1
00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:09,300
My words are lazy

2
00:00:09,380 --> 00:00:11,220
My thoughts are hazy

3
00:00:11,300 --> 00:00:14,350
But this is one thing I'm sure of

4
00:00:14,430 --> 00:00:17,980
Everybody needs a best friend

5
00:00:18,060 --> 00:00:20,770
I'm happy I'm yours

6
00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:30,910
All right.

7
00:00:30,990 --> 00:00:33,910
We have come to the final
unit here in health class...

8
00:00:33,990 --> 00:00:35,660
sexual education.

9
00:00:35,740 --> 00:00:37,580
Now, this is mature subject matter,

10
00:00:37,660 --> 00:00:40,410
and I expect you all to
handle it with maturity

11
00:00:40,500 --> 00:00:42,040
like the young adults you are becoming.

12
00:00:42,540 --> 00:00:43,790
I'm scared, Teddy.

13
00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:46,470
What if he shows us a diagram
of a vagina and I get a boner?

14
00:00:46,550 --> 00:00:48,640
Hey, you're getting a boner
before this class ends, buddy.

15
00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:50,470
The sooner you wrap your head
around that, the better.

16
00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:54,100
Sexual intercourse is a
physical expression

17
00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:57,600
of love and affection that
is perfectly natural

18
00:00:57,680 --> 00:00:58,890
and often deadly.

19
00:00:58,980 --> 00:01:01,520
Sexually transmitted diseases include

20
00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:04,400
gonorrhea, HIV, herpes, chlamydia,

21
00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:07,020
HPV, hepatitis A through C...

22
00:01:07,110 --> 00:01:10,320
JFK, blown away, what
else do I have to say?

23
00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:11,650
We didn't start the fire

24
00:01:11,740 --> 00:01:12,910
Ted, knock it off!

25
00:01:12,990 --> 00:01:14,990
See, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.

26
00:01:15,080 --> 00:01:17,710
To avoid sexually transmitted disease,

27
00:01:17,790 --> 00:01:20,330
it is important to practice safe sex.

28
00:01:20,410 --> 00:01:24,710
Now, who can tell me what
the safest sex of all is?

29
00:01:26,130 --> 00:01:28,170
No one?

30
00:01:28,260 --> 00:01:29,340
Masturbation.

31
00:01:29,420 --> 00:01:31,050
Hey, if you're gonna assign homework,

32
00:01:31,130 --> 00:01:32,340
Johnny already did it this morning.

33
00:01:32,430 --> 00:01:33,510
Hey, shut the fuck up, dude!

34
00:01:33,590 --> 00:01:35,300
He's doing extra credit.
Be quiet!

35
00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:36,810
Stop it!
Oh!

36
00:01:36,890 --> 00:01:38,640
You keep that up, you're
headed for detention, mister.

37
00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:42,220
Now, why is it important
to practice safe sex?

38
00:01:42,310 --> 00:01:46,020
Well, it all begins with biology.

39
00:01:46,110 --> 00:01:47,780
Aw, here we go.

40
00:01:47,860 --> 00:01:51,320
Let's start with the female
reproductive system.

41
00:01:51,950 --> 00:01:53,160
Oh, no.

42
00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:55,200
Holy shit.
That's fast, even for you.

43
00:01:57,700 --> 00:01:59,330
Well, I'm glad that's over, huh?

44
00:01:59,410 --> 00:02:01,870
I know, that was like sex ed for babies.

45
00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:02,960
What?

46
00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:04,250
I mean, you're really gonna talk

47
00:02:04,330 --> 00:02:06,460
about masturbation and leave out edging?

48
00:02:06,540 --> 00:02:08,370
Seriously.
He didn't even talk about

49
00:02:08,460 --> 00:02:11,380
how massaging the prostate
increases orgasm intensity.

50
00:02:11,470 --> 00:02:12,970
Did you see how when I
brought up rimming,

51
00:02:13,050 --> 00:02:14,640
he flipped to the glossary?

52
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:16,310
Wait, you t...

53
00:02:16,390 --> 00:02:18,060
you two have had sex?

54
00:02:18,140 --> 00:02:19,220
No.

55
00:02:19,310 --> 00:02:20,900
I'm felching my own jizz.

56
00:02:20,970 --> 00:02:22,600
Pfft! Duh, we're 16.

57
00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:23,680
When? With who?

58
00:02:23,890 --> 00:02:25,430
A few weeks ago, with each other.

59
00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:27,110
We didn't want to be the
last ones in school

60
00:02:27,190 --> 00:02:28,190
to lose our virginity.

61
00:02:28,270 --> 00:02:29,270
Oh, yeah.

62
00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:30,730
No. Right, of course.

63
00:02:30,820 --> 00:02:32,400
How... how lame would that be, right?

64
00:02:32,490 --> 00:02:34,580
Wow, I didn't even know you
two guys were dating.

65
00:02:34,660 --> 00:02:36,040
Andrew, I thought you were gay.

66
00:02:36,110 --> 00:02:37,490
I don't know.
Might be.

67
00:02:37,570 --> 00:02:39,410
I just know I'm not a fucking loser.

68
00:02:39,490 --> 00:02:41,620
You're so confident.
I love it.

69
00:02:41,700 --> 00:02:43,200
Let's go to the computer room.

70
00:02:43,290 --> 00:02:44,960
We can do it on the Oregon Trail.

71
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:48,920
Holy shit, Teddy, do you
know what this means?

72
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,460
I'm the last virgin in school.

73
00:02:50,540 --> 00:02:51,670
What about Ben Carness?

74
00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:53,050
No, he slept with his math teacher.

75
00:02:53,130 --> 00:02:54,420
That's why she got fired.

76
00:02:54,510 --> 00:02:56,300
I thought she got fired for
giving him angel dust.

77
00:02:56,390 --> 00:02:57,810
Yeah, Teddy, I think that was the trade.

78
00:02:57,930 --> 00:02:59,010
Oh. Oh, wow...

79
00:02:59,100 --> 00:03:00,310
oh, yeah, well, then that's a mess.

80
00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:02,260
Anyway, dude, this is serious.

81
00:03:02,350 --> 00:03:03,850
I need to hurry up and
have sex with somebody

82
00:03:03,930 --> 00:03:05,720
before people find out
and I'm humiliated.

83
00:03:06,140 --> 00:03:07,680
You're right.
We gotta find a buyer.

84
00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:08,940
Fresh penis!

85
00:03:09,020 --> 00:03:10,060
Get your fresh penis here!

86
00:03:10,150 --> 00:03:11,440
Ted, Jesus Christ!

87
00:03:11,530 --> 00:03:13,450
This penis used to belong
to a little old lady

88
00:03:13,530 --> 00:03:14,990
who only fucked it on Sundays!

89
00:03:15,070 --> 00:03:16,410
Still has that new penis smell!

90
00:03:16,490 --> 00:03:17,530
Will you shut up?

91
00:03:17,610 --> 00:03:19,070
All right, I'm just trying to help.

92
00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:26,920
Okay, what about Talia?

93
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:29,290
Talia Winthrop is not
having sex with you.

94
00:03:29,380 --> 00:03:30,460
Hey, you don't know that.

95
00:03:30,540 --> 00:03:32,170
You ever seen the guys
she dates, Johnny?

96
00:03:32,250 --> 00:03:33,420
They're brooding degenerates.

97
00:03:33,510 --> 00:03:34,970
They paint their nails.

98
00:03:35,050 --> 00:03:36,720
Is that what you want to do?
You want to paint your nails?

99
00:03:37,220 --> 00:03:38,300
I could paint my nails.

100
00:03:38,390 --> 00:03:39,810
Oh, ok... oh, you want to
be nail-painting guy?

101
00:03:39,890 --> 00:03:42,020
Okay, get ready to never be funny.

102
00:03:42,100 --> 00:03:43,230
No more jokes.

103
00:03:43,310 --> 00:03:44,600
You never get to make a joke again.

104
00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:45,680
Why not?

105
00:03:45,810 --> 00:03:47,270
Nail-paint guy is very serious.

106
00:03:47,350 --> 00:03:48,640
If you're on a cruise and you spot

107
00:03:48,730 --> 00:03:50,480
the captain bringing a lady passenger

108
00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:52,100
back to his cabin, what do you say?

109
00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:53,440
Well, you say, "Thar she blows."

110
00:03:53,530 --> 00:03:55,160
No, you don't.
You say, "Good for them."

111
00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:57,990
You say, "Everyone deserves
love in this fucked-up world,"

112
00:03:58,070 --> 00:03:59,240
'cause you got painted nails.

113
00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:00,860
Wait, can I... can I say,
"Shiver me timbers"?

114
00:04:00,950 --> 00:04:02,160
No, you cannot.
No jokes.

115
00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:03,240
Only finger colors.

116
00:04:05,250 --> 00:04:06,500
Oh, hey, Blaire.
Hey, you think

117
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:08,170
one of your college
friends would be willing

118
00:04:08,250 --> 00:04:09,750
to have sex with John?

119
00:04:09,830 --> 00:04:11,120
Yeah, every lit major wants

120
00:04:11,210 --> 00:04:13,210
to have sex with a teenager
on his Star Wars sheets.

121
00:04:13,300 --> 00:04:15,640
Oh, and a bad relationship
with her father is a plus.

122
00:04:15,710 --> 00:04:16,790
You got any friends like that?

123
00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:18,670
Okay, why are you asking me this?

124
00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:20,760
'Cause I'm the last virgin in my class.

125
00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:22,010
Come on, your friends are always

126
00:04:22,100 --> 00:04:23,140
trying to do good in the world.

127
00:04:23,220 --> 00:04:24,470
How about one of 'em takes a break

128
00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:26,350
from feeding the hungry
to fuck the desperate?

129
00:04:26,430 --> 00:04:28,350
Yeah, no.
I'm not helping you.

130
00:04:28,940 --> 00:04:30,360
God, I'm pathetic.

131
00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:32,400
Ah, come on.
There's a lot of cool virgins.

132
00:04:32,730 --> 00:04:34,690
The Flying Nun,

133
00:04:34,780 --> 00:04:36,030
Richie Rich,

134
00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:38,740
the Lincoln Memorial...

135
00:04:41,450 --> 00:04:42,450
That yearbook.

136
00:04:42,910 --> 00:04:44,240
I've never had sex,

137
00:04:44,330 --> 00:04:45,660
never had a girlfriend.

138
00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:47,580
Fuck, I've never even kissed anybody.

139
00:04:47,660 --> 00:04:49,250
You kissed Michael Dukakis

140
00:04:49,330 --> 00:04:50,540
at that parade when you were nine.

141
00:04:50,620 --> 00:04:52,160
Yeah, that doesn't count.
He kissed me.

142
00:04:52,250 --> 00:04:54,960
It was passionate enough that
they ran it in the paper.

143
00:04:55,380 --> 00:04:56,470
Look, don't worry, Johnny.

144
00:04:56,550 --> 00:04:57,970
There's a lot of alleys in Boston.

145
00:04:58,050 --> 00:04:59,680
One of them's gotta have a glory hole.

146
00:05:00,180 --> 00:05:02,100
And if it doesn't, we're
going to Worcester.

147
00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:07,430
Look at all these welfare queens.

148
00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:09,480
See, tha-that's the problem
with this country.

149
00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:11,230
Everybody expects
everything handed to them

150
00:05:11,310 --> 00:05:12,440
on a silver platter.

151
00:05:13,310 --> 00:05:14,440
Hey, guys.

152
00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:16,940
Um, can I talk to you about something?

153
00:05:17,030 --> 00:05:18,240
You want a tuna sandwich?

154
00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:19,740
No, I'm... I'm okay.

155
00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:21,360
Um...

156
00:05:21,450 --> 00:05:22,830
it's about John.

157
00:05:22,910 --> 00:05:27,620
Uh, I think he might
be on the verge of...

158
00:05:29,500 --> 00:05:31,170
Well, I... I think he's interested

159
00:05:31,250 --> 00:05:33,540
in becoming sexually active.

160
00:05:34,210 --> 00:05:35,750
What do you mean?

161
00:05:36,340 --> 00:05:40,090
Well, I don't really know how
I can be clearer than that.

162
00:05:40,170 --> 00:05:43,760
Um, have you guys ever
talked to John a-about sex?

163
00:05:44,140 --> 00:05:46,060
Course not.
He's only 16.

164
00:05:46,140 --> 00:05:48,230
Talking about sex is rude.

165
00:05:48,310 --> 00:05:50,600
So you're gonna rely on a gym teacher

166
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:52,470
and a horny teddy bear?

167
00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:53,560
I mean, how do you expect him to learn

168
00:05:53,690 --> 00:05:55,070
what he needs to know?

169
00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:57,450
When you get drafted,
they show you a film.

170
00:05:57,860 --> 00:06:01,360
Look, I get it can be an
awkward conversation,

171
00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:02,530
but it's really important.

172
00:06:02,610 --> 00:06:03,610
Tony Randall was in it.

173
00:06:03,700 --> 00:06:05,700
You're absolutely right, Blaire.

174
00:06:05,780 --> 00:06:07,620
You know what I'm gonna do?

175
00:06:07,700 --> 00:06:10,490
I'm gonna clip an Ask
Beth from The Globe,

176
00:06:10,580 --> 00:06:12,580
and I'll slide it under his door.

177
00:06:12,660 --> 00:06:14,330
Guys, there's nothing shameful

178
00:06:14,420 --> 00:06:15,750
about human sexuality.

179
00:06:15,830 --> 00:06:16,960
You've never been in a strip club

180
00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:18,210
when the lights come on.

181
00:06:20,550 --> 00:06:21,630
And neither have I.

182
00:06:21,710 --> 00:06:23,420
Matty, this isn't a joke, okay?

183
00:06:23,510 --> 00:06:24,800
He needs to know this stuff.

184
00:06:24,890 --> 00:06:27,560
Look, I-I'll talk to him
when the time is right.

185
00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:28,730
And I'm telling you,

186
00:06:28,810 --> 00:06:31,060
as somebody who knows him really well,

187
00:06:31,140 --> 00:06:32,560
it's the right time.

188
00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:34,060
Okay, I think you're trying to avoid

189
00:06:34,140 --> 00:06:35,310
an uncomfortable conversation,

190
00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:37,150
and honestly, that's selfish of you.

191
00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:39,230
All I'm trying to do
is eat my lunch here.

192
00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:40,700
Jesus.

193
00:06:40,780 --> 00:06:42,280
Your period coming in or something?

194
00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:45,110
I... what?

195
00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:46,950
Forget it.
Coming in?

196
00:06:47,030 --> 00:06:48,910
Like it's my fucking adult teeth?

197
00:06:48,990 --> 00:06:50,450
Forget I brought it up.
Fuck, it sounds like

198
00:06:50,540 --> 00:06:52,170
you need the talk, not him.

199
00:06:52,500 --> 00:06:54,540
Do you have any idea how a
period actually works?

200
00:06:54,620 --> 00:06:55,950
I know enough.

201
00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:57,580
No one's ever explained
it to you, have they?

202
00:06:57,670 --> 00:06:58,760
I tried once,

203
00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:01,220
but Matty said it was too
close to the holidays.

204
00:07:01,300 --> 00:07:02,930
Oh, my God.
Aunt Suze,

205
00:07:03,010 --> 00:07:04,510
think about your son, all right?

206
00:07:04,630 --> 00:07:06,170
Don't you want John to grow up

207
00:07:06,260 --> 00:07:08,180
to be a sexually healthy adult?

208
00:07:08,260 --> 00:07:10,390
Blaire, language.

209
00:07:10,470 --> 00:07:12,260
My parents never talked to me about sex.

210
00:07:12,350 --> 00:07:15,100
I figured it all out on my
own, and I'm doing just fine.

211
00:07:17,730 --> 00:07:19,440
We'll talk to John.

212
00:07:27,070 --> 00:07:28,110
Come in.

213
00:07:29,450 --> 00:07:30,450
John?

214
00:07:30,530 --> 00:07:31,530
Yeah?

215
00:07:31,620 --> 00:07:32,750
Are you alone?

216
00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:34,170
Yeah.
Yeah, Teddy went

217
00:07:34,250 --> 00:07:35,460
to the store to get Doritos.

218
00:07:35,540 --> 00:07:37,830
Oh, we have Doritos here
at the house, honey.

219
00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:40,040
We do?
Oh, yeah, always.

220
00:07:40,590 --> 00:07:41,800
Oh, that's right.
We're trash.

221
00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:43,550
John, your father and I,

222
00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:46,260
we want to talk to you about something.

223
00:07:47,590 --> 00:07:49,380
It's a private thing.

224
00:07:50,180 --> 00:07:51,180
What is it?

225
00:07:55,140 --> 00:07:56,230
John,

226
00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:02,270
sometimes when two
grown-ups are married,

227
00:08:03,530 --> 00:08:05,410
and they're in a bed,

228
00:08:06,150 --> 00:08:07,780
and it's nighttime,

229
00:08:08,910 --> 00:08:12,620
they get this funny feeling
in their bathing suit areas.

230
00:08:12,700 --> 00:08:14,410
Jesus Christ, Susan!

231
00:08:14,490 --> 00:08:15,490
It's like this, John.

232
00:08:15,580 --> 00:08:17,040
Men and women have different parts,

233
00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:19,500
and those parts fit together
like a piston and a cylinder.

234
00:08:19,580 --> 00:08:21,120
Just give the motor a minute to warm up.

235
00:08:21,210 --> 00:08:22,920
If you gun it, you're
gonna blow a gasket,

236
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,130
seize up, and you're looking
at minimum a grand

237
00:08:25,210 --> 00:08:26,210
for a new engine block.

238
00:08:26,300 --> 00:08:27,800
That's sex.

239
00:08:28,170 --> 00:08:29,550
Fuck me.

240
00:08:33,890 --> 00:08:35,180
John.

241
00:08:40,690 --> 00:08:43,940
Someday, when you're older,

242
00:08:45,690 --> 00:08:48,190
you're gonna have your first time,

243
00:08:49,030 --> 00:08:51,620
and it should be special, honey.

244
00:08:51,700 --> 00:08:52,830
Yeah, I'll be fine, Mom.

245
00:08:52,910 --> 00:08:55,370
I want it to be better
than my first time.

246
00:08:55,450 --> 00:08:56,450
God, no, please don't...

247
00:08:56,620 --> 00:08:58,960
It was 1974.

248
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:02,040
And your father and I were
staying at a Howard Johnson's

249
00:09:02,130 --> 00:09:06,430
off the turnpike, and things
were moving quickly,

250
00:09:07,050 --> 00:09:10,300
when suddenly there was a
news bulletin on the TV.

251
00:09:10,380 --> 00:09:13,090
Nixon had resigned.

252
00:09:13,180 --> 00:09:16,730
Oh, your father, he was so distracted

253
00:09:16,810 --> 00:09:18,690
and just so agitated and...

254
00:09:18,770 --> 00:09:20,400
Mom, really, you don't have to do this.

255
00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:23,070
I tried to get him back
into bed, but he wouldn't.

256
00:09:23,150 --> 00:09:25,320
He was too upset.
He just kept yelling,

257
00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:28,320
"The hippies have won!
The hippies have won!

258
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:29,900
They've won!
They've won!"

259
00:09:32,860 --> 00:09:34,400
I hope this helped.

260
00:09:45,750 --> 00:09:47,880
Ugh.

261
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,840
This fucking resin's
giving me a headache.

262
00:09:50,300 --> 00:09:51,550
Can't you call your guy?

263
00:09:51,630 --> 00:09:53,300
Ah, my guy won't sell to me on Shabbat.

264
00:09:53,380 --> 00:09:54,380
Ah, shit.

265
00:09:56,550 --> 00:09:58,390
Teddy, what if I'm a virgin forever?

266
00:09:58,470 --> 00:09:59,470
I mean, what do I do?

267
00:09:59,770 --> 00:10:00,980
Look,

268
00:10:01,060 --> 00:10:02,730
I know the glory hole
thing didn't work out,

269
00:10:02,810 --> 00:10:04,650
but at least we got to see the city.

270
00:10:04,730 --> 00:10:06,110
We met that friendly homeless guy

271
00:10:06,190 --> 00:10:08,070
who taught us a lesson and then died.

272
00:10:08,150 --> 00:10:10,490
Yeah, but I mean, like,
what if this is my future?

273
00:10:10,570 --> 00:10:11,950
Well, if it is, you just gotta learn

274
00:10:12,030 --> 00:10:13,410
to live with the embarrassment.

275
00:10:13,950 --> 00:10:15,240
Yeah, I mean, it could be worse.

276
00:10:15,950 --> 00:10:17,910
I mean, Mr. Belvedere
sat on his own balls

277
00:10:17,990 --> 00:10:19,370
and had to go to the hospital.

278
00:10:19,450 --> 00:10:21,080
What?
Yeah.

279
00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:22,870
Yeah.
I mean, that's humiliation.

280
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:25,670
Like... like, Mr. Belvedere
from the TV show?

281
00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:26,790
Yeah.
Yeah, man.

282
00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:27,920
He was riding in a convertible

283
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,130
during the Hollywood Christmas parade,

284
00:10:29,210 --> 00:10:31,340
fell backwards, crushed his own balls.

285
00:10:31,670 --> 00:10:32,960
Jesus.

286
00:10:34,630 --> 00:10:36,840
Would you rather have that
happen to you at a parade

287
00:10:36,930 --> 00:10:40,100
or what happened to JFK
happen to you at a parade?

288
00:10:40,180 --> 00:10:41,560
Oh, God, I honestly don't know.

289
00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:42,890
Yeah, that's a tough one, right?

290
00:10:42,980 --> 00:10:44,150
That's a really tough one.
That's, like, one of

291
00:10:44,230 --> 00:10:45,230
the hardest would-you-rathers
I've ever heard.

292
00:10:45,310 --> 00:10:46,400
I know.
That's, like, a brainteaser.

293
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:47,570
God, I'm too high to think about that.

294
00:10:47,650 --> 00:10:49,110
Yeah, it's a tough one.

295
00:10:52,570 --> 00:10:54,320
Okay, all right, fuck this.

296
00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:55,900
We gotta get some real weed.

297
00:10:55,990 --> 00:10:57,450
Hey, what about Sheila Borgwardt?

298
00:10:57,990 --> 00:10:59,160
What, like, smoking-hot Sheila?

299
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:01,200
Yeah, remember, she hooked us up before.

300
00:11:01,290 --> 00:11:03,630
She sent us to that dealer who
turned out to be Blaire.

301
00:11:03,710 --> 00:11:04,960
Oh, yeah, that wasn't good.

302
00:11:05,330 --> 00:11:07,330
Well, it's just like Homeless Joe said.

303
00:11:07,420 --> 00:11:08,420
Be careful what you wish...

304
00:11:08,500 --> 00:11:09,750
Agh, my heart.

305
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:11,800
Yeah.
Yeah, he died.

306
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:27,610
Oh. Hey.
Hey.

307
00:11:27,730 --> 00:11:28,770
Ted, right?

308
00:11:29,150 --> 00:11:30,150
Yeah, that's right.

309
00:11:30,230 --> 00:11:31,770
Uh, hey, is your sister here?

310
00:11:31,860 --> 00:11:33,740
Uh, yeah.

311
00:11:33,820 --> 00:11:36,240
Sheila, you got company!

312
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:37,450
See you later.

313
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:43,450
John?

314
00:11:43,540 --> 00:11:44,920
Oh. Hi, Bethany.

315
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:46,670
Hi. How's it going?

316
00:11:46,750 --> 00:11:47,880
Uh, it's going good.

317
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:49,590
My, uh... my teddy bear's upstairs

318
00:11:49,670 --> 00:11:50,670
buying drugs from your sister.

319
00:11:50,790 --> 00:11:52,290
Ah, nice.

320
00:11:55,220 --> 00:11:57,600
Wh... sex ed class was
weird the other day.

321
00:11:57,680 --> 00:11:58,970
Oh, yeah, it was super weird.

322
00:11:59,050 --> 00:12:00,550
Yeah, I still can't get the image

323
00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:03,770
of Mr. Maynard putting a condom
on a banana out of my head.

324
00:12:03,850 --> 00:12:05,270
Oh, yeah, I know, right?
Like...

325
00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:07,270
like, can you imagine,
like, being a banana,

326
00:12:07,350 --> 00:12:09,940
and... and, like, you get picked,
and then you get put on a boat,

327
00:12:10,020 --> 00:12:11,190
and then you get put into the market,

328
00:12:11,270 --> 00:12:13,270
and... and you're thinking
the whole time, like,

329
00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:16,320
oh, I hope I get to be made
into, like, a cream pie

330
00:12:16,650 --> 00:12:19,030
or, like, used as a phone for humor.

331
00:12:19,990 --> 00:12:21,330
And then you're just
sitting in our class,

332
00:12:21,410 --> 00:12:23,250
pretending to be a dick.

333
00:12:24,580 --> 00:12:25,710
Well, I-I gotta go.

334
00:12:25,790 --> 00:12:26,830
Oh, okay, yeah, for sure.

335
00:12:26,910 --> 00:12:27,910
Yeah.
Yeah. Good to see you.

336
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:30,000
See you later.

337
00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:31,410
You promise this is just for you, right?

338
00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:33,500
'Cause I don't want to get
busted for enabling.

339
00:12:33,590 --> 00:12:36,300
Nope, just me and the rest of
the guys in the doo-wop group.

340
00:12:36,380 --> 00:12:38,840
Those guys need a buzz to
feel the music, you know.

341
00:12:38,930 --> 00:12:40,180
Me, I'm good when I'm straight.

342
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:41,720
That's why I'm always the one talking

343
00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:43,010
to management about payment.

344
00:12:43,100 --> 00:12:44,310
You know, anything logistic like that,

345
00:12:44,390 --> 00:12:45,600
it always falls on my... Yeah, yeah.

346
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:46,720
You looking for something mellow

347
00:12:46,810 --> 00:12:47,850
or something more potent?

348
00:12:47,930 --> 00:12:49,970
Well, my last guy gave me
something that was pretty good.

349
00:12:50,060 --> 00:12:51,440
It was called Confident Gorilla.

350
00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:53,190
You got any of that?
I don't think so,

351
00:12:53,270 --> 00:12:56,650
but I just got this new batch
called Heartbeat Fingers.

352
00:12:56,730 --> 00:12:59,320
Ah, yeah, no, that... no,
tha-that doesn't sound so good.

353
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:00,400
Uh, uh, what else?

354
00:13:00,490 --> 00:13:01,570
Uh, let me look.

355
00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:04,530
So, Sheila,

356
00:13:04,620 --> 00:13:06,960
no offense, but you ever
think about doing something

357
00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:09,500
about that god-awful name?

358
00:13:13,330 --> 00:13:14,420
Got it.

359
00:13:14,500 --> 00:13:15,500
Oh, hell yeah.

360
00:13:15,590 --> 00:13:16,880
Yeah, by the way, just FYI,

361
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:18,880
Sheila is her dead mother's name,

362
00:13:18,970 --> 00:13:20,890
so we're not allowed
to shop here anymore.

363
00:13:20,970 --> 00:13:22,810
Oh, man, Kafka Trip?

364
00:13:22,890 --> 00:13:24,060
Isn't this the stuff that made me think

365
00:13:24,140 --> 00:13:25,810
the Land O'Lakes lady was mad at me?

366
00:13:25,890 --> 00:13:27,390
Well, she only had a few other batches.

367
00:13:27,470 --> 00:13:31,140
Uh, Heartbeat Fingers,
Bathroom Mirror Reckoning,

368
00:13:31,230 --> 00:13:34,070
What Was That, and Why
won't The Pee Start.

369
00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:35,570
Yikes.
All right, go on.

370
00:13:35,650 --> 00:13:36,690
Put it in your bag.

371
00:13:36,770 --> 00:13:38,060
Hey!

372
00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:40,150
Hey, we need that pot, you fucker!

373
00:13:44,030 --> 00:13:45,240
Get off me!

374
00:13:50,460 --> 00:13:51,790
Jesus, nice save!

375
00:13:51,870 --> 00:13:53,330
Man, fuck that guy.

376
00:13:53,420 --> 00:13:55,130
We should call the fucking cops.

377
00:13:55,210 --> 00:13:58,210
Yeah, maybe... maybe under
the circumstances, no.

378
00:13:58,300 --> 00:14:00,090
Oh, my God!
Are you okay?

379
00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:02,550
Oh, hey, Bethany.

380
00:14:02,630 --> 00:14:04,170
Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

381
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:06,930
I can't believe you did that.
That was so cool!

382
00:14:07,010 --> 00:14:08,720
No, I was just reacting in the moment.

383
00:14:08,810 --> 00:14:09,810
It's not that big a deal.

384
00:14:10,310 --> 00:14:11,940
No, that took guts.

385
00:14:12,020 --> 00:14:14,610
You're, like, kind of awesome.

386
00:14:14,690 --> 00:14:16,570
Well, you know, when you're
addicted to a substance,

387
00:14:16,650 --> 00:14:18,530
you can do anything you
put your mind to.

388
00:14:19,150 --> 00:14:22,450
I have swim practice tomorrow afternoon,

389
00:14:22,530 --> 00:14:27,370
but after that, would you
maybe want to hang out?

390
00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:31,790
Maybe see a movie or
get food or whatever?

391
00:14:32,460 --> 00:14:34,170
Yeah. Yeah, sure.

392
00:14:34,790 --> 00:14:35,870
Want to pick me up at 7:00?

393
00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:37,500
Definitely.

394
00:14:37,590 --> 00:14:38,840
Cool.

395
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:41,010
See ya.

396
00:14:43,630 --> 00:14:45,380
Holy shit, I got a date.

397
00:14:45,470 --> 00:14:46,470
A date?

398
00:14:46,550 --> 00:14:47,970
Johnny, look at the big picture.

399
00:14:48,050 --> 00:14:49,800
This is your chance to have sex.

400
00:14:49,890 --> 00:14:50,890
What, you think so?

401
00:14:51,060 --> 00:14:52,140
She called you "cool."

402
00:14:52,230 --> 00:14:53,770
Chicks have sex with cool guys.

403
00:14:53,850 --> 00:14:55,140
Yeah. Yeah, maybe.

404
00:14:55,230 --> 00:14:56,820
Fuck "maybe." Trust me on this.

405
00:14:56,900 --> 00:14:59,610
We are gonna make sure you
don't blow this opportunity.

406
00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:01,110
And I will guide you.

407
00:15:01,190 --> 00:15:03,780
I will be...

408
00:15:03,860 --> 00:15:05,650
Your Master Yoda.

409
00:15:05,740 --> 00:15:06,910
I mean, I guess I could try.

410
00:15:06,990 --> 00:15:09,160
Screw or screw not.
There is no try.

411
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:10,830
Now, let's get you some exercise.

412
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:12,620
Run, Johnny, run! Run!

413
00:15:12,700 --> 00:15:15,580
"Yes, a Jedi's strength
flows from the Force,

414
00:15:15,670 --> 00:15:17,000
but beware the dark side."

415
00:15:17,420 --> 00:15:19,340
I mean, unless she says it's okay.

416
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:29,010
Are we sure about this?

417
00:15:29,100 --> 00:15:30,230
Look, you gotta have condoms

418
00:15:30,300 --> 00:15:31,680
locked and loaded on your date.

419
00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:33,220
When you get... well, you know,

420
00:15:33,310 --> 00:15:35,690
maybe not loaded, obviously,
but you gotta be ready.

421
00:15:36,230 --> 00:15:37,860
There's a lot of options.
I don't know what to pick.

422
00:15:38,230 --> 00:15:39,770
Well, which one speaks to you?

423
00:15:40,650 --> 00:15:41,820
Maybe these?

424
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:43,520
"Ribbed for her pleasure"?

425
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:45,650
Good choice.
And you want to know a trick?

426
00:15:45,740 --> 00:15:48,660
You turn it inside out
and steal the pleasure.

427
00:15:48,780 --> 00:15:49,910
You can do that?

428
00:15:49,990 --> 00:15:50,990
Oh, yeah, she'll be like,

429
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:52,290
where's the pleasure?

430
00:15:52,370 --> 00:15:54,410
And you'll be like, uh,
uh, uh, I don't know.

431
00:15:54,500 --> 00:15:56,420
Uh, I didn't know there
was any pleasure.

432
00:15:56,710 --> 00:15:58,550
Can I help you young men
pick out a condom?

433
00:15:58,830 --> 00:16:00,330
Uh, no.

434
00:16:00,420 --> 00:16:02,260
Act-actually, we were...
we were just leaving.

435
00:16:02,340 --> 00:16:03,630
Oh, please don't go.

436
00:16:03,710 --> 00:16:05,420
One of the joys of my job is pairing

437
00:16:05,510 --> 00:16:07,180
the right young man
with the right condom.

438
00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:09,270
Oh, that's... normal.

439
00:16:09,340 --> 00:16:11,430
Well, I don't really know what I want.

440
00:16:11,850 --> 00:16:13,060
Well, tell me about the girl.

441
00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:15,770
Um, she's got medium brown hair,

442
00:16:15,850 --> 00:16:16,980
average height.

443
00:16:17,060 --> 00:16:18,650
I-I think she might be on the swim team.

444
00:16:19,150 --> 00:16:20,570
I see. Jewish?

445
00:16:20,650 --> 00:16:21,990
I don't think so.

446
00:16:22,060 --> 00:16:23,560
Well, that rules these out.

447
00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:25,410
What about community activism?

448
00:16:25,490 --> 00:16:26,740
Does she do any charity work?

449
00:16:27,070 --> 00:16:29,030
I... I honestly don't know.

450
00:16:30,820 --> 00:16:32,160
Why don't you try a Ramses?

451
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:35,200
Sturdy, solid, made for
all kinds of weather,

452
00:16:35,290 --> 00:16:37,500
can withstand over 300 pounds of torque.

453
00:16:37,580 --> 00:16:39,920
Oh, Johnny, how many pounds
of torque were you gonna do?

454
00:16:40,290 --> 00:16:41,710
Uh, thank you.

455
00:16:41,790 --> 00:16:43,040
I just want to say, I've been watching

456
00:16:43,130 --> 00:16:44,300
you shop here for years.

457
00:16:44,710 --> 00:16:46,300
I've been waiting for this day.

458
00:16:46,670 --> 00:16:49,090
Frankly, I thought it would
come a little sooner, but...

459
00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:51,300
Congratulations.

460
00:16:51,590 --> 00:16:53,050
I need an adult!
I need an adult!

461
00:16:53,140 --> 00:16:54,350
It's okay.
It's all right, Johnny.

462
00:16:54,430 --> 00:16:55,560
It's all right.
Look, uh, here you go, buddy.

463
00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:56,640
Keep the extra.

464
00:16:56,770 --> 00:16:57,850
Hey! You!

465
00:16:57,930 --> 00:16:59,220
Get away from that kid!

466
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,060
Now, how can I help you?

467
00:17:08,070 --> 00:17:09,820
Okay, now, I'm gonna time you on this.

468
00:17:09,900 --> 00:17:11,070
This feels weird.

469
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:12,870
Look, you have trouble
taking off her bra,

470
00:17:12,950 --> 00:17:13,990
she's gonna know you're a virgin.

471
00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:15,120
Shit, really?

472
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:16,200
Trust me, all right?

473
00:17:16,330 --> 00:17:17,370
Now take it off.

474
00:17:17,910 --> 00:17:19,040
Okay.

475
00:17:19,750 --> 00:17:20,920
What are you doing?

476
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:22,000
Well, I'm not gonna
make it easy for you.

477
00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:23,080
You gotta work for it.

478
00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:24,580
Jesus.

479
00:17:26,210 --> 00:17:28,170
Jesus Christ, Teddy, just
let me do the clasp.

480
00:17:28,260 --> 00:17:29,550
Oh, no, you gotta earn it.

481
00:17:29,630 --> 00:17:31,880
All right, now let's pretend
you're a randy executive

482
00:17:31,970 --> 00:17:33,560
and I'm your secretary.
Go.

483
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:36,020
Mr. Bennett, Mr.
Bennett, control yourself!

484
00:17:36,100 --> 00:17:38,690
For heaven sakes, Mr. Bennett,
you're a married man!

485
00:17:38,770 --> 00:17:39,980
Teddy, come on!

486
00:17:40,060 --> 00:17:41,350
Who's Teddy?
I'm Debra.

487
00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:43,230
I just moved to the big city

488
00:17:43,310 --> 00:17:44,810
with nothing but a
suitcase full of dreams

489
00:17:44,900 --> 00:17:46,940
and an associate's degree
from Katharine Gibbs.

490
00:17:47,020 --> 00:17:48,230
Uh, hi.

491
00:17:48,860 --> 00:17:50,490
What the hell are you doing in my bra?

492
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:52,990
The question is, what am I
still doing in your bra.

493
00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:54,530
Johnny?

494
00:17:54,780 --> 00:17:56,490
I've got a date with Bethany Borgwardt,

495
00:17:56,580 --> 00:17:57,580
and I'm...

496
00:17:58,120 --> 00:17:59,870
I'm practicing in case we have sex.

497
00:18:00,370 --> 00:18:01,620
Practicing what?

498
00:18:02,460 --> 00:18:04,260
I want her to think I'm experienced,

499
00:18:04,330 --> 00:18:06,120
you know, like I've done it a lot.

500
00:18:06,210 --> 00:18:07,500
Okay.

501
00:18:07,590 --> 00:18:10,550
Well, I do have some
thoughts on the topic.

502
00:18:10,630 --> 00:18:13,550
Uh, one, whoever this girl is,

503
00:18:13,630 --> 00:18:14,840
she's not gonna want
to have sex with you

504
00:18:14,930 --> 00:18:16,520
if she thinks that's all
you're interested in.

505
00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:19,850
And two, she's definitely not
gonna be into it if she thinks

506
00:18:19,930 --> 00:18:21,430
you've been sleeping
around with other girls.

507
00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:23,230
Wait, so I can't want
to have sex with her?

508
00:18:23,310 --> 00:18:24,560
No, you just...

509
00:18:24,650 --> 00:18:26,610
eh, you can't want it
too much, you know?

510
00:18:26,690 --> 00:18:28,440
Okay, well, what's the
right amount to want it?

511
00:18:29,190 --> 00:18:30,610
Just be yourself.

512
00:18:30,690 --> 00:18:31,690
Okay?

513
00:18:31,780 --> 00:18:32,950
The rest will happen naturally.

514
00:18:33,110 --> 00:18:35,240
Yeah, if I may counter,
John has been himself

515
00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:38,700
for 16 years and raked
in exactly zero vagina.

516
00:18:38,780 --> 00:18:40,740
Am I getting that number
right, John, zero?

517
00:18:40,830 --> 00:18:42,420
Yeah, yeah, zero.

518
00:18:42,660 --> 00:18:44,370
I think...

519
00:18:44,460 --> 00:18:45,880
I think I'm gonna do it Ted's way.

520
00:18:46,540 --> 00:18:48,630
That is a very
self-destructive sentence.

521
00:18:48,710 --> 00:18:50,920
Blaire, please, you're
disrupting a teachable moment.

522
00:18:51,010 --> 00:18:52,090
Fuck it.

523
00:18:52,170 --> 00:18:53,170
Whatever, I tried.

524
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:54,760
Just give me my bra back.

525
00:18:58,010 --> 00:18:59,760
Now you know!

526
00:19:02,060 --> 00:19:03,560
Teddy, we're missing something here.

527
00:19:03,640 --> 00:19:04,680
What?

528
00:19:04,770 --> 00:19:06,270
How am I even supposed to get to the sex

529
00:19:06,350 --> 00:19:07,890
if she doesn't have a good time?

530
00:19:08,310 --> 00:19:09,980
I mean, I haven't even
planned the fucking date.

531
00:19:10,070 --> 00:19:11,570
Johnny, you are gonna take her

532
00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:13,440
on the best date of her life.

533
00:19:13,740 --> 00:19:14,820
What do you mean? How?

534
00:19:14,900 --> 00:19:16,230
Your teddy bear's got you covered.

535
00:19:21,870 --> 00:19:23,290
Hey, Bethany.

536
00:19:23,910 --> 00:19:25,080
This is for you.

537
00:19:25,460 --> 00:19:26,590
Ted?

538
00:19:26,670 --> 00:19:27,750
What's this?

539
00:19:27,830 --> 00:19:29,460
Your attire for the evening.

540
00:19:29,540 --> 00:19:32,090
Wh... I-I'm wearing my
outfit for the evening.

541
00:19:32,170 --> 00:19:33,170
Where's John?

542
00:19:33,340 --> 00:19:34,380
He awaits you

543
00:19:34,470 --> 00:19:36,430
on your flying carpet.

544
00:19:55,030 --> 00:19:57,530
Oh, John, I-I can't
believe you did this.

545
00:19:57,610 --> 00:19:59,950
Yeah, well, it's our first date.

546
00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:01,990
I wanted to make it special.

547
00:20:02,450 --> 00:20:05,160
I have sort of a confession to make.

548
00:20:05,830 --> 00:20:07,250
What is it?

549
00:20:07,330 --> 00:20:08,960
I still haven't seen Aladdin.

550
00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:11,330
Aw, man.
Are you serious?

551
00:20:11,420 --> 00:20:13,090
I thought, like, every
girl loved that movie.

552
00:20:13,170 --> 00:20:14,550
My friends love it.

553
00:20:14,630 --> 00:20:16,800
I have kind of weird taste in movies.

554
00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:18,220
Like what?

555
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:19,300
It's kind of embarrassing.

556
00:20:19,390 --> 00:20:20,850
No, you gotta tell me now.

557
00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:24,640
Well, there's this really good bad movie

558
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:27,010
from the early '80s called Flash Gordon.

559
00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:29,270
No fuckin' way!

560
00:20:29,350 --> 00:20:30,390
You've seen Flash Gordon?

561
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:31,820
Oh, only, like, a thousand times!

562
00:20:31,900 --> 00:20:33,320
Of course. It's my
favorite fucking movie.

563
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:34,530
You're just saying that.
No, no, no.

564
00:20:34,610 --> 00:20:36,900
"Who are you?"Flash Gordon.

565
00:20:36,990 --> 00:20:38,320
Quarterback, New York Jets."

566
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:40,900
I love that!
And when Princess Aura's like,

567
00:20:40,990 --> 00:20:43,160
"Father! Damn you, Father!"

568
00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:45,410
Oh, man, is that a
four-pack-a-day voice or what?

569
00:20:45,490 --> 00:20:47,280
Dude, those lungs are working overtime.

570
00:20:47,370 --> 00:20:48,750
Oh, and when Prince Vultan is like,

571
00:20:48,830 --> 00:20:51,210
"That must be one hell of a
planet you men come from."

572
00:20:51,290 --> 00:20:52,290
And Flash says...

573
00:20:52,420 --> 00:20:53,760
"Not too bad."

574
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:54,840
Oh, my God.

575
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:56,500
Holy shit.

576
00:20:56,590 --> 00:20:59,220
I have never met a girl
who liked that movie.

577
00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:01,090
Well, now you have.

578
00:21:06,060 --> 00:21:07,100
Oh, shit!

579
00:21:08,270 --> 00:21:09,270
Ah!

580
00:21:14,150 --> 00:21:15,230
Oh, my God!

581
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:17,110
Jesus Christ, are you guys okay?

582
00:21:17,190 --> 00:21:18,570
I think so.

583
00:21:18,650 --> 00:21:20,030
Johnny, Johnny, you all right?

584
00:21:20,110 --> 00:21:21,150
Talk to me!

585
00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:22,370
Teddy?

586
00:21:23,870 --> 00:21:24,910
Did I sex?

587
00:21:24,990 --> 00:21:26,370
You sure did, buddy.

588
00:21:26,450 --> 00:21:27,990
You sexed real good.

589
00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:29,790
You sexed real good.

590
00:21:37,460 --> 00:21:39,420
You know, you're lucky
you weren't more hurt.

591
00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:41,090
How are you feeling now?

592
00:21:41,180 --> 00:21:42,720
Not too bad, actually.
My arm is a little...

593
00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:43,880
No, him.

594
00:21:43,970 --> 00:21:44,970
Oh, right, yeah.

595
00:21:45,050 --> 00:21:46,090
I'm okay.

596
00:21:46,180 --> 00:21:48,100
Uh, you know, it doesn't hurt that much.

597
00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:50,940
Uh, doctor, I-I really have
no idea how this happened.

598
00:21:51,020 --> 00:21:53,020
You know, we were both
sitting inside the car,

599
00:21:53,100 --> 00:21:54,350
and we had our seatbelts on,

600
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:55,730
you know, as is required by law...

601
00:21:55,820 --> 00:21:58,200
Son, this isn't my first
night in the ER.

602
00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:00,030
I saw the carpet burns.

603
00:22:00,190 --> 00:22:02,730
I know when kids have been
"A Whole New World-ing."

604
00:22:03,360 --> 00:22:04,900
I curse the day that movie came out.

605
00:22:05,740 --> 00:22:06,950
All right.
You're gonna be okay.

606
00:22:07,030 --> 00:22:08,410
There's no concussion.

607
00:22:08,490 --> 00:22:10,950
But I need you to get some
rest for the next few days.

608
00:22:11,040 --> 00:22:12,290
And stay off cars.

609
00:22:12,830 --> 00:22:14,580
Okay. Thanks.

610
00:22:16,750 --> 00:22:20,300
Listen, I'm... I'm sorry about tonight.

611
00:22:21,260 --> 00:22:22,260
You know, it was stupid.

612
00:22:22,340 --> 00:22:23,760
No, it wasn't.

613
00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:26,180
It was romantic and thoughtful.

614
00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:27,970
Wait, so you're not mad?

615
00:22:28,060 --> 00:22:29,270
No.

616
00:22:29,350 --> 00:22:31,350
I like you... a lot.

617
00:22:32,730 --> 00:22:34,730
Okay, well, do you maybe want to go

618
00:22:34,810 --> 00:22:36,270
on an inside-the-car date sometime?

619
00:22:37,730 --> 00:22:39,110
I have a better idea.

620
00:22:39,610 --> 00:22:41,740
I was supposed to go to the
prom with Danny Hirsh,

621
00:22:41,820 --> 00:22:44,200
but his acne has reached a point

622
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:45,700
where I need to take action.

623
00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:47,820
Would you maybe want to go?

624
00:22:48,450 --> 00:22:49,660
Yeah.

625
00:22:49,740 --> 00:22:50,990
Yeah, yeah, of course.

626
00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:52,080
Cool.

627
00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:56,250
I'm actually kind of surprised
you don't have a date already.

628
00:22:56,750 --> 00:22:58,880
Although I guess I haven't seen you

629
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:00,550
around school with a girlfriend.

630
00:23:00,630 --> 00:23:02,670
Oh, John's had lots of girlfriends.

631
00:23:03,300 --> 00:23:04,430
Really?
Oh, yeah.

632
00:23:04,510 --> 00:23:05,890
Oh, yeah.
You're looking at a guy

633
00:23:05,970 --> 00:23:07,890
with a whole lot of experience...

634
00:23:08,430 --> 00:23:09,560
with fucking.

635
00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:10,640
Right, Johnny?

636
00:23:10,810 --> 00:23:12,810
Uh... uh, yeah.

637
00:23:12,890 --> 00:23:15,230
Yeah, I'm still sore from
yesterday, you know?

638
00:23:15,310 --> 00:23:17,560
Yeah, a whole lot of... whole
lot of pounds of torque.

639
00:23:18,190 --> 00:23:19,440
Oh.
Trust me,

640
00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:21,440
this guy knows his way around a woman.

641
00:23:21,530 --> 00:23:22,910
You know what they call him at school?

642
00:23:22,980 --> 00:23:24,360
The Ladyboy.

643
00:23:24,450 --> 00:23:25,870
He's that seasoned.

644
00:23:26,490 --> 00:23:28,410
Sorry, we need this room.

645
00:23:28,490 --> 00:23:29,660
We got another one.

646
00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:32,740
Goddamn movie.

647
00:23:37,120 --> 00:23:38,290
Guess what?

648
00:23:38,790 --> 00:23:41,790
One of the eggs had two yolks.

649
00:23:42,670 --> 00:23:44,920
I can't wait to get invited to a party.

650
00:23:45,010 --> 00:23:46,390
I have small talk.

651
00:23:46,470 --> 00:23:49,890
Well, you know, uh, Johnny
also has some good news.

652
00:23:49,970 --> 00:23:51,810
Aw, shut up, man.
No, no, no.

653
00:23:51,890 --> 00:23:53,940
No, no, no, we're doing this.
I'm proud of you, man.

654
00:23:54,020 --> 00:23:56,730
Our boy has been invited to the prom.

655
00:23:56,810 --> 00:23:58,270
What?

656
00:23:58,350 --> 00:23:59,640
Are you serious?
Wait a minute.

657
00:23:59,730 --> 00:24:01,190
Wait a minute. Invited?

658
00:24:01,270 --> 00:24:02,520
She invited you?

659
00:24:02,610 --> 00:24:04,450
Yeah.
See that, Susan?

660
00:24:04,530 --> 00:24:06,030
Still think the Clintons are harmless?

661
00:24:06,110 --> 00:24:07,900
Times are changing, Matty.
You gotta keep up.

662
00:24:07,990 --> 00:24:09,370
Oh, John!

663
00:24:09,450 --> 00:24:12,370
I'm so happy for you.

664
00:24:12,450 --> 00:24:14,080
Who's the lucky girl?

665
00:24:14,370 --> 00:24:15,830
Bethany Borgwardt.

666
00:24:15,910 --> 00:24:18,000
Wait, the... the girl
from the other night?

667
00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:19,080
The one with the...

668
00:24:19,170 --> 00:24:20,340
The bra lady, yeah.

669
00:24:20,420 --> 00:24:22,340
Guess somebody gave him
some good advice.

670
00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:25,550
Well, I'm very surprised.

671
00:24:25,630 --> 00:24:28,680
Uh, I guess, good luck.

672
00:24:29,300 --> 00:24:30,430
All right, I gotta go to work.

673
00:24:30,510 --> 00:24:31,550
I'll see you later.

674
00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:32,640
Don't forget your lunch, honey.

675
00:24:35,390 --> 00:24:36,680
Take the fruit out!

676
00:24:36,770 --> 00:24:38,400
I can't be seen at work with a plum!

677
00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:39,690
Why?

678
00:24:39,770 --> 00:24:41,480
There's fiber in here, hon.

679
00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:43,650
You haven't made caca yet.

680
00:24:43,730 --> 00:24:45,520
Hey, Blaire, you know, since
Johnny's got a date,

681
00:24:45,610 --> 00:24:46,740
how about you and me go to the prom?

682
00:24:46,820 --> 00:24:48,410
Yeah, no thanks.

683
00:24:48,490 --> 00:24:49,490
Why not?

684
00:24:49,610 --> 00:24:50,700
A high school prom?

685
00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:52,160
Been there, done that.

686
00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:53,660
No booze, no thanks.

687
00:24:53,740 --> 00:24:55,030
Ah, come on.
Don't leave me hanging!

688
00:24:55,120 --> 00:24:56,450
Johnny's gonna be off getting laid.

689
00:24:56,580 --> 00:24:57,580
I don't want to be stuck talking

690
00:24:57,660 --> 00:24:58,740
to a bunch of wiener bags.

691
00:24:58,830 --> 00:24:59,870
Don't you think you're being

692
00:24:59,960 --> 00:25:01,500
a little overconfident about this?

693
00:25:01,580 --> 00:25:03,540
I mean, he just started
dating this girl.

694
00:25:03,630 --> 00:25:04,670
Yeah, but it's...

695
00:25:04,750 --> 00:25:05,960
it's going really good, Blaire.

696
00:25:06,050 --> 00:25:07,640
We had a great time on our first date.

697
00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:08,850
Even the hospital was fun.

698
00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:10,630
Yeah, they're gonna fuck for sure.

699
00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:12,810
I mean, unless, you know,
the timing's off.

700
00:25:13,550 --> 00:25:14,550
What do you mean?

701
00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:15,850
Well, I mean, you know, if...

702
00:25:15,930 --> 00:25:18,020
if she's gotta make her period.

703
00:25:18,100 --> 00:25:19,100
What?

704
00:25:19,230 --> 00:25:21,070
You know, if it's that time of the week.

705
00:25:21,150 --> 00:25:23,820
Okay, so what? So what
if she gets her period?

706
00:25:23,900 --> 00:25:25,820
Well, like, you can't
have sex then, right?

707
00:25:25,900 --> 00:25:28,070
Like, I heard that if you have sex

708
00:25:28,150 --> 00:25:29,650
while a girl's doing her period,

709
00:25:29,740 --> 00:25:31,950
then... then you could go back in time.

710
00:25:32,030 --> 00:25:34,530
I think I just went back in time.

711
00:25:34,620 --> 00:25:36,210
Does any male in this house

712
00:25:36,290 --> 00:25:38,330
actually even fucking know how it works?

713
00:25:41,500 --> 00:25:42,500
Well, do you?

714
00:25:42,580 --> 00:25:43,910
I-I do not.
I actually

715
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:45,000
have no idea, no.
Yeah.

716
00:25:45,090 --> 00:25:46,180
Yeah.
Ugh. Okay.

717
00:25:46,300 --> 00:25:47,680
I actually was always kind of curious.

718
00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:49,510
There's, like, a... a
little tube, right?

719
00:25:49,590 --> 00:25:50,970
Yes, a tampon.

720
00:25:51,050 --> 00:25:52,380
Oh, yeah, I know that word.

721
00:25:52,470 --> 00:25:54,100
Is a crampon also something?

722
00:25:54,180 --> 00:25:55,930
A crampon is used for rock climbing.

723
00:25:56,010 --> 00:25:57,430
It's got nothing to do with periods.

724
00:25:57,810 --> 00:25:58,850
Oh.

725
00:25:58,930 --> 00:26:00,720
It's weird that it has the word
"cramp" in there though, yeah?

726
00:26:00,810 --> 00:26:02,150
Two completely different things.

727
00:26:02,270 --> 00:26:03,350
But you can see why I thought...

728
00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:05,360
Okay, you want to make jokes, or you
want to fucking learn something?

729
00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:06,690
I wasn't making a joke!

730
00:26:06,770 --> 00:26:08,360
I didn't know about the
rock climbing! God!

731
00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:09,610
How's it work?

732
00:26:09,690 --> 00:26:10,690
Give me your best guess.

733
00:26:11,070 --> 00:26:13,410
You put the tampon inside.

734
00:26:13,490 --> 00:26:15,450
Genius, yes. How?

735
00:26:15,950 --> 00:26:17,040
Y-you swallow it.

736
00:26:17,120 --> 00:26:20,960
You use the applicator to
insert it into the vagina,

737
00:26:21,040 --> 00:26:23,540
and then you remove the
applicator by pulling it out.

738
00:26:23,620 --> 00:26:25,500
And this happens all the time?

739
00:26:25,580 --> 00:26:27,000
Once a month for just a few days.

740
00:26:27,090 --> 00:26:28,550
Is it shorter in February?

741
00:26:28,630 --> 00:26:29,710
You want to get fucking wet?

742
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:31,130
No, no, no.
No, I'm good, I'm good.

743
00:26:32,050 --> 00:26:35,600
Look, I know you guys think
you're pretty smart,

744
00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:40,310
but maybe you're not as ready
for sex as you think you are.

745
00:26:47,190 --> 00:26:48,270
Hello?

746
00:26:48,360 --> 00:26:49,740
John, it's Bethany.

747
00:26:49,980 --> 00:26:51,480
Oh, hey, Bethany.

748
00:26:51,570 --> 00:26:53,320
Yeah, we were, uh... we were
just talking about the prom.

749
00:26:53,450 --> 00:26:54,580
I'm really excited.

750
00:26:54,660 --> 00:26:55,950
What time should I pick you up?

751
00:26:56,820 --> 00:26:59,610
Yeah, about that, I've been thinking,

752
00:26:59,700 --> 00:27:02,080
maybe it's better if we go separately.

753
00:27:03,330 --> 00:27:05,040
Wait... wait, what? Why?

754
00:27:05,120 --> 00:27:08,210
I just think you might be
a little bit too, um,

755
00:27:08,750 --> 00:27:10,090
experienced for me.

756
00:27:10,550 --> 00:27:11,550
No, but...

757
00:27:11,630 --> 00:27:12,920
Come back to bed, Johnny!

758
00:27:13,010 --> 00:27:14,760
I'm one of your many satisfied

759
00:27:14,840 --> 00:27:15,970
sexual partners!
Stop!

760
00:27:16,050 --> 00:27:17,050
What?
He's gonna thank me.

761
00:27:17,140 --> 00:27:18,810
No, he's not!
Shh!

762
00:27:19,010 --> 00:27:20,850
Hey, uh, can we talk about this?

763
00:27:20,930 --> 00:27:22,520
I'm sure you've got lots of other girls

764
00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:23,850
who'd love to go with you.

765
00:27:23,930 --> 00:27:25,680
Maybe you ask one of them.

766
00:27:26,100 --> 00:27:27,180
Sorry.

767
00:27:30,650 --> 00:27:31,860
She dumped me.

768
00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:33,400
What?

769
00:27:33,820 --> 00:27:37,160
Yeah, it's... it's over.

770
00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:38,370
No, it's not.

771
00:27:38,450 --> 00:27:39,990
We are gonna do what
they do in the movies.

772
00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:42,000
Go over there tonight,
stand on her lawn,

773
00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:44,330
and declare your love for
all the world to hear.

774
00:27:44,410 --> 00:27:45,410
Yeah.

775
00:27:48,210 --> 00:27:50,130
Sorry about that, Officer.
Thank you so much.

776
00:27:50,210 --> 00:27:51,800
Our apologies.
Won't happen again.

777
00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:53,460
Wow, that was so not good.

778
00:27:53,550 --> 00:27:55,970
Yeah, her dad really did not
care that you love her.

779
00:27:56,380 --> 00:27:57,760
I can't believe I listened to you.

780
00:27:57,840 --> 00:27:59,300
You fucked this whole thing up, Teddy!

781
00:27:59,390 --> 00:28:01,600
It's okay, Johnny.
We can still salvage this.

782
00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:03,720
All right, there's gonna be a
lot of girls at the prom.

783
00:28:03,810 --> 00:28:05,020
We're gonna get you a fake chest.

784
00:28:05,100 --> 00:28:06,100
We'll stick a sock in your pants.

785
00:28:06,190 --> 00:28:07,980
This isn't just about sex, okay?

786
00:28:08,060 --> 00:28:09,310
How many times do I have to stand here

787
00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:11,400
and tell you, I really like her?

788
00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:12,570
She's wicked cool.

789
00:28:12,650 --> 00:28:13,860
We've got a lot in common.

790
00:28:13,940 --> 00:28:15,940
Wasn't it pretty much just Flash Gordon?

791
00:28:16,030 --> 00:28:17,700
We could have built off that.

792
00:28:17,780 --> 00:28:18,780
Where am I gonna find another girl

793
00:28:18,860 --> 00:28:19,990
who likes that movie?

794
00:28:20,320 --> 00:28:22,280
I mean, you and me like it, but
that's mostly 'cause of drugs.

795
00:28:22,370 --> 00:28:23,960
Okay, look, I fucked up, all right?

796
00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:25,500
But we can still have fun at the prom.

797
00:28:25,910 --> 00:28:28,330
Come on, we'll spike the punch
and stuff the ballot box

798
00:28:28,420 --> 00:28:30,840
so a couple of horse-faced
kids win King and Queen.

799
00:28:31,250 --> 00:28:32,290
If you want to go to the prom,

800
00:28:32,380 --> 00:28:33,720
you can do it without me.

801
00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:35,010
Johnny.

802
00:28:48,100 --> 00:28:49,440
Come on, hurry up,

803
00:28:49,900 --> 00:28:51,990
before I change my mind.

804
00:28:52,860 --> 00:28:54,070
Oh, my God, that's...

805
00:28:54,150 --> 00:28:55,900
that's the tie you landed on?

806
00:28:55,980 --> 00:28:57,110
Yeah, what's wrong with it?

807
00:28:57,190 --> 00:28:58,730
You're wearing a fucking
piano tie to prom.

808
00:28:58,820 --> 00:29:00,320
What are you, in an a-ha video?

809
00:29:00,410 --> 00:29:02,410
Well, you know, it's kind
of hard to tie a bow tie

810
00:29:02,490 --> 00:29:03,570
when you got no fingers.

811
00:29:03,660 --> 00:29:05,250
You look great, by the way.

812
00:29:05,740 --> 00:29:07,120
See?
See how easy that is,

813
00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:08,330
to give someone a compliment?

814
00:29:08,910 --> 00:29:13,160
Oh, look at you two, all dressed up!

815
00:29:13,250 --> 00:29:16,340
Oh, Matty, don't they look nice?

816
00:29:16,420 --> 00:29:18,050
Yeah.
Blaire, you should

817
00:29:18,130 --> 00:29:20,680
wear girl clothes more often, hon.

818
00:29:21,180 --> 00:29:22,180
Thanks.

819
00:29:22,260 --> 00:29:23,390
Is John going too?

820
00:29:23,800 --> 00:29:26,590
No, he's, uh... he's still pretty upset.

821
00:29:26,680 --> 00:29:28,890
Oh, no, my baby.

822
00:29:28,980 --> 00:29:31,610
Matty, why don't you go talk to him?

823
00:29:32,520 --> 00:29:33,520
Huh?

824
00:29:33,610 --> 00:29:35,110
Go talk to John.

825
00:29:35,190 --> 00:29:36,230
What do you mean?

826
00:29:36,320 --> 00:29:37,860
Oh, my God.
Am I speaking Farsi?

827
00:29:37,940 --> 00:29:39,440
Go speak to your son.

828
00:29:39,530 --> 00:29:42,120
Do, like, a, I don't know,
father-type thing.

829
00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:44,660
You know, I remember my junior prom

830
00:29:44,740 --> 00:29:46,830
and my date, Bobby Kugelfarb.

831
00:29:47,120 --> 00:29:50,160
He was so nervous, he
accidentally stabbed me

832
00:29:50,250 --> 00:29:52,210
putting on the corsage.

833
00:29:52,580 --> 00:29:55,130
And I didn't want to make a
fuss or anything like that,

834
00:29:55,210 --> 00:29:56,500
so I spent the whole night

835
00:29:56,590 --> 00:29:59,680
with this carnation stuck to my breast.

836
00:29:59,760 --> 00:30:01,800
Jesus, this fucking story again.

837
00:30:02,180 --> 00:30:03,770
I'll talk to John.

838
00:30:07,510 --> 00:30:09,050
And then I got sepsis,

839
00:30:09,140 --> 00:30:11,430
and I'm still not allowed to swim.

840
00:30:16,060 --> 00:30:17,650
Hey, Johnny, wrap it up.
I need your help.

841
00:30:17,900 --> 00:30:19,110
Just started the game.

842
00:30:19,190 --> 00:30:21,190
Tough shit. I gotta load
our old refrigerator

843
00:30:21,280 --> 00:30:23,410
in the back of the truck,
dump it in the woods.

844
00:30:24,240 --> 00:30:25,330
It's 7:30 at night.

845
00:30:25,410 --> 00:30:27,700
Yeah. This isn't exactly legal, John.

846
00:30:27,780 --> 00:30:30,160
But I'll be damned if I'm
paying for bulky-item pickup.

847
00:30:30,250 --> 00:30:32,000
Besides, it'll be fun
for kids to play in.

848
00:30:32,410 --> 00:30:33,750
Can't we just do it another time?

849
00:30:34,210 --> 00:30:36,920
Why? It's not like you have
anywhere to go, right?

850
00:30:39,050 --> 00:30:40,380
Dad, I know what you're doing.

851
00:30:40,460 --> 00:30:41,500
I'm not doing anything.

852
00:30:41,590 --> 00:30:42,840
I just need another set of hands.

853
00:30:42,920 --> 00:30:44,170
I'm not going to prom!

854
00:30:44,260 --> 00:30:46,640
All right?
I... I got dumped.

855
00:30:46,720 --> 00:30:48,100
It'll be too embarrassing.

856
00:30:54,020 --> 00:30:56,230
Life is a series of embarrassments.

857
00:30:56,940 --> 00:30:58,320
Bosses humiliating you,

858
00:30:58,400 --> 00:31:00,530
your wife nagging you all the time,

859
00:31:00,900 --> 00:31:02,610
going off to fight in the one war

860
00:31:02,740 --> 00:31:03,870
where you're the bad guy.

861
00:31:03,950 --> 00:31:05,040
I mean, fuck.

862
00:31:05,110 --> 00:31:06,530
Is this supposed to be a pep talk?

863
00:31:06,620 --> 00:31:08,710
All I'm saying is, you
only get so many nights

864
00:31:08,780 --> 00:31:10,530
like this one, John.

865
00:31:10,950 --> 00:31:13,240
There are no junior proms
when you're an adult.

866
00:31:13,330 --> 00:31:15,080
You miss this one, that's fucking it.

867
00:31:15,670 --> 00:31:17,010
The rest of your life
is spending all day

868
00:31:17,080 --> 00:31:18,370
breaking your back, and all night

869
00:31:18,460 --> 00:31:21,130
standing at a toilet,
peeing in Morse code.

870
00:31:26,970 --> 00:31:28,470
All right.

871
00:31:32,220 --> 00:31:33,600
There you go.

872
00:31:41,190 --> 00:31:42,940
Rhythm is a dancer

873
00:31:43,030 --> 00:31:45,030
It's a soul's companion

874
00:31:45,110 --> 00:31:48,410
You can feel it everywhere

875
00:31:48,490 --> 00:31:50,580
Lift your hands and voices

876
00:31:50,660 --> 00:31:52,540
Free your mind and join us

877
00:31:52,620 --> 00:31:54,500
See, this ain't so bad, right?

878
00:31:55,370 --> 00:31:58,750
Thanks to this, not the
worst night of my life.

879
00:31:58,830 --> 00:32:01,670
Yeah, well, I'm having a
nice time with you too.

880
00:32:02,590 --> 00:32:05,970
And the compliment-free
evening continues.

881
00:32:06,050 --> 00:32:07,260
Hey, Javier!

882
00:32:07,340 --> 00:32:09,300
Ha! I know that guy.

883
00:32:09,390 --> 00:32:10,770
No one was looking at you.

884
00:32:10,850 --> 00:32:12,690
Yeah, it's just... there
was... there was the one guy.

885
00:32:12,760 --> 00:32:14,760
No, I have great eyes,
and no one was looking.

886
00:32:14,850 --> 00:32:16,940
No, it's just... it's this
thing we do, the two of us.

887
00:32:17,020 --> 00:32:18,610
Ah, that's so him.

888
00:32:18,690 --> 00:32:20,610
Have you made any fucking
friends this year?

889
00:32:20,690 --> 00:32:22,070
Uh, not really, no.

890
00:32:25,030 --> 00:32:27,450
Shit, Ted, look.

891
00:32:29,200 --> 00:32:31,200
Hey! Hey, Johnny!

892
00:32:34,910 --> 00:32:36,580
Hey, John.
Hey, buddy.

893
00:32:36,660 --> 00:32:38,750
Hey, hey, you just missed Javier, man.

894
00:32:38,830 --> 00:32:40,040
He was up to his old tricks.

895
00:32:40,130 --> 00:32:41,380
Shit, again?

896
00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:42,970
Man, I really gotta meet that guy.

897
00:32:43,040 --> 00:32:44,250
He sounds awesome.
I know, I...

898
00:32:44,340 --> 00:32:46,130
fuck, he's always just
leaving when you get here.

899
00:32:46,210 --> 00:32:47,590
I-I don't... I don't
know how that happens.

900
00:32:48,220 --> 00:32:49,890
Well, listen, man, I...

901
00:32:51,180 --> 00:32:53,100
I'm really sorry for laying
into you like that.

902
00:32:53,180 --> 00:32:54,720
No, man, I'm sorry.

903
00:32:54,810 --> 00:32:57,310
I fucked things up between
you and Bethany.

904
00:32:57,390 --> 00:32:59,060
I should have just kept
my big mouth shut

905
00:32:59,140 --> 00:33:00,430
and let you be yourself.

906
00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:02,480
No, man, it's not all your fault.

907
00:33:02,560 --> 00:33:04,100
I didn't have to listen to you.

908
00:33:04,690 --> 00:33:05,860
I made my own choices.

909
00:33:12,490 --> 00:33:14,280
I think I know how to un-fuck things.

910
00:33:18,750 --> 00:33:20,840
Bethany. Hi.

911
00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:22,210
John.

912
00:33:23,170 --> 00:33:24,920
Hi.

913
00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:28,250
So listen, I was wondering

914
00:33:28,340 --> 00:33:31,720
if you'd maybe give me another chance.

915
00:33:32,970 --> 00:33:34,350
John, look.

916
00:33:36,520 --> 00:33:37,980
I think you're a nice-enough guy,

917
00:33:38,060 --> 00:33:41,230
but you're not the guy for me.

918
00:33:41,310 --> 00:33:42,520
I-I'm just not interested

919
00:33:42,600 --> 00:33:44,190
in being a notch in someone's belt.

920
00:33:44,270 --> 00:33:45,770
Okay, well, that's what
I'm here to tell you.

921
00:33:47,530 --> 00:33:49,740
I've never had sex, okay?

922
00:33:49,820 --> 00:33:52,030
I'm a virgin.
I-I said that I had

923
00:33:52,110 --> 00:33:53,150
because I thought it would impress you.

924
00:33:53,240 --> 00:33:54,820
It was stupid.

925
00:33:54,910 --> 00:33:56,410
So you lied to me?

926
00:33:57,120 --> 00:33:58,870
Well, yeah.

927
00:33:58,950 --> 00:34:00,120
I'm sorry.

928
00:34:00,660 --> 00:34:01,870
How do I know you're not lying now?

929
00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:03,130
I'm not.
I'm not.

930
00:34:03,210 --> 00:34:04,460
I swear to God.

931
00:34:07,170 --> 00:34:09,130
And I think I can prove it.

932
00:34:12,970 --> 00:34:14,300
Excuse me.

933
00:34:14,390 --> 00:34:16,140
I need that mic.
I got something to say.

934
00:34:16,220 --> 00:34:18,180
Sorry, it's against the rules...

935
00:34:18,930 --> 00:34:20,140
unless it's for true love.

936
00:34:20,850 --> 00:34:21,850
It is.

937
00:34:26,150 --> 00:34:27,400
Go get her.

938
00:34:29,360 --> 00:34:30,360
Hi. Hi, every...

939
00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:31,440
Oh, that's loud.
Hi, everyone.

940
00:34:31,530 --> 00:34:33,580
Excuse me.
Excuse me.

941
00:34:34,030 --> 00:34:35,570
Sorry for the interruption.
I, uh,

942
00:34:35,660 --> 00:34:37,620
uh, just have a real quick question.

943
00:34:38,990 --> 00:34:41,370
Who here has had sex with me?

944
00:34:44,710 --> 00:34:46,250
Nobody.

945
00:34:46,330 --> 00:34:47,790
You want to know why?

946
00:34:48,210 --> 00:34:49,710
Because I'm a virgin.

947
00:34:50,840 --> 00:34:52,800
I was too embarrassed to
admit it until tonight,

948
00:34:52,880 --> 00:34:54,050
but it's the truth.

949
00:34:55,010 --> 00:34:56,430
And you know what?

950
00:34:57,010 --> 00:34:58,390
I bet I'm not alone.

951
00:34:59,260 --> 00:35:02,220
I bet there are more of you
out there just like me,

952
00:35:02,310 --> 00:35:04,100
so let's stop being embarrassed

953
00:35:04,190 --> 00:35:06,230
and let our voices be heard.

954
00:35:06,310 --> 00:35:08,270
Who out there is a virgin?

955
00:35:16,660 --> 00:35:18,120
Nerd!

956
00:35:18,200 --> 00:35:19,700
What the fuck?
What? He was drowning.

957
00:35:19,780 --> 00:35:21,280
No sense in me going down with him.

958
00:35:38,050 --> 00:35:39,890
Hey.
Hey, John, wait up!

959
00:35:44,520 --> 00:35:46,520
I can't believe you just did that.

960
00:35:46,600 --> 00:35:48,230
Oh.
Yeah, it was pretty stupid.

961
00:35:48,610 --> 00:35:50,820
Yeah, very stupid.

962
00:35:52,190 --> 00:35:54,150
But it took guts.

963
00:35:54,570 --> 00:35:55,990
Well, I mean,

964
00:35:56,070 --> 00:35:58,320
it's not like my social
life could get any worse.

965
00:35:58,410 --> 00:36:00,000
Well...

966
00:36:01,370 --> 00:36:02,830
you want to know a secret?

967
00:36:03,410 --> 00:36:04,830
What?

968
00:36:04,910 --> 00:36:08,080
You're not the only person at
this school who hasn't...

969
00:36:09,210 --> 00:36:10,590
you know.

970
00:36:10,670 --> 00:36:12,000
Wait.

971
00:36:12,090 --> 00:36:14,220
Wait, you're a virgin too?

972
00:36:14,300 --> 00:36:15,640
Mm-hmm.

973
00:36:16,590 --> 00:36:18,300
You know, I don't think I believe you.

974
00:36:18,840 --> 00:36:20,130
What?
I think you gotta

975
00:36:20,220 --> 00:36:21,390
get up and tell the whole school.

976
00:36:21,470 --> 00:36:23,470
Yeah, no thanks.
I'm not an idiot.

977
00:36:23,560 --> 00:36:24,940
Oh, you sure?
Why not?

978
00:36:25,020 --> 00:36:27,110
It's a great feeling.
I can't recommend it enough.

979
00:36:30,480 --> 00:36:32,190
Do you want to get out of here?

980
00:36:32,270 --> 00:36:35,690
Maybe hang at my house?

981
00:36:35,780 --> 00:36:38,490
My dad and his girlfriend
are out for the night.

982
00:36:39,950 --> 00:36:41,200
Sure.

983
00:36:57,010 --> 00:36:58,930
I think those two might just make it.

984
00:36:59,010 --> 00:37:00,800
Yeah, I think so too.

985
00:37:02,010 --> 00:37:03,970
Well, now what?
One of the goth kids

986
00:37:04,060 --> 00:37:05,480
in the parking lot gave me a pill.

987
00:37:05,560 --> 00:37:07,270
I got no idea what it is.
You want to split it?

988
00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:15,150
Uh, yeah, talk to me, yeah

989
00:37:15,230 --> 00:37:17,650
What a man, what a man, what a man

990
00:37:17,740 --> 00:37:19,030
What a mighty good man

991
00:37:19,110 --> 00:37:21,070
He's a mighty, mighty good man

992
00:37:21,160 --> 00:37:23,160
What a man, what a man, what a man

993
00:37:23,240 --> 00:37:24,780
What a mighty good man All right

994
00:37:24,870 --> 00:37:27,540
What are you doing back there?

995
00:37:27,660 --> 00:37:29,040
Trying to unhook your bra.

996
00:37:29,870 --> 00:37:32,660
Well, if there was any doubt
about your being a virgin...

997
00:37:36,050 --> 00:37:37,510
Ah! Ah, shit, all right.

998
00:37:37,590 --> 00:37:40,180
I think I tore it, and I might
have fucking cut myself.

999
00:37:40,260 --> 00:37:42,180
Here, why don't I get it?

1000
00:37:42,260 --> 00:37:45,010
Um, do you have a condom?

1001
00:37:45,100 --> 00:37:46,190
Yeah.
Yeah, a grown-up

1002
00:37:46,260 --> 00:37:47,720
at the pharmacy helped me pick one out.

1003
00:37:47,810 --> 00:37:48,810
What?

1004
00:37:49,020 --> 00:37:50,440
Nothing.
Uh, yeah.

1005
00:37:50,520 --> 00:37:52,060
Yeah, I got one.

1006
00:37:52,150 --> 00:37:55,320
Good, 'cause I think we should have sex.

1007
00:37:56,900 --> 00:37:58,070
Really?

1008
00:37:59,530 --> 00:38:01,200
Holy shit, Blaire was right.

1009
00:38:01,280 --> 00:38:02,450
Huh?
Nothing.

1010
00:38:02,530 --> 00:38:05,240
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm ready.

1011
00:38:05,330 --> 00:38:06,620
'Cause his mama taught him that

1012
00:38:06,700 --> 00:38:07,910
I got a good man

1013
00:38:07,990 --> 00:38:09,490
What a man, what a man, what a man

1014
00:38:09,580 --> 00:38:11,750
What a mighty good man

1015
00:38:11,830 --> 00:38:13,080
A mighty, mighty good man

1016
00:38:13,170 --> 00:38:15,170
What a man, what a man, what a man

1017
00:38:15,250 --> 00:38:17,380
What a mighty good man

1018
00:38:17,460 --> 00:38:19,750
Yes, he is What a man, what a man

1019
00:38:22,340 --> 00:38:23,590
Oh, my God!
What? What?

1020
00:38:23,680 --> 00:38:25,060
What's wrong?
Look!

1021
00:38:25,140 --> 00:38:27,140
Police are in pursuit of a white Bronco

1022
00:38:27,220 --> 00:38:30,010
presumed to be the
vehicle of OJ Simpson.

1023
00:38:30,100 --> 00:38:32,520
Now, as you can see there,
it's traveling very slowly...

1024
00:38:32,600 --> 00:38:34,060
Holy shit!

1025
00:38:34,150 --> 00:38:35,900
Yeah.
Yeah, that's really something.

1026
00:38:35,980 --> 00:38:38,320
Fuck! Does this mean he
actually did do it?

1027
00:38:38,400 --> 00:38:39,610
Speaking of doing it...

1028
00:38:39,690 --> 00:38:40,820
Where do you think he's going?

1029
00:38:40,900 --> 00:38:42,650
And why are they driving so slow?

1030
00:38:42,740 --> 00:38:44,490
I'm sure the LAPD has
its best men on it.

1031
00:38:44,570 --> 00:38:45,570
I mean, he must have done it, right?

1032
00:38:45,660 --> 00:38:46,790
Why else is he running?

1033
00:38:46,950 --> 00:38:48,410
Times like these, all we can really do

1034
00:38:48,490 --> 00:38:49,830
is hold each other close.
Fuck!

1035
00:38:49,910 --> 00:38:52,580
I mean, he was Nordberg
in "The Naked Gun, "

1036
00:38:52,660 --> 00:38:54,120
and now he might be a murderer?

1037
00:38:54,210 --> 00:38:56,840
I think Nicole Brown Simpson
and Ron Goldman would

1038
00:38:56,920 --> 00:38:58,960
really want us to make
the most of this night.

1039
00:38:59,050 --> 00:39:02,180
And now we're hearing
reports that he has a gun.

1040
00:39:02,260 --> 00:39:05,180
Oh, my God.

1041
00:39:05,260 --> 00:39:08,220
I don't think this is gonna
have a happy ending.

1042
00:39:08,600 --> 00:39:10,520
No fucking shit.

1043
00:39:10,600 --> 00:39:12,190
To repeat, he is believed...

1044
00:39:15,270 --> 00:39:17,440
It's just like what happened
with my parents and Nixon.

1045
00:39:18,690 --> 00:39:20,820
Oh. Oh, my God.

1046
00:39:20,900 --> 00:39:22,690
Oh, my God, I'm my mother.

1047
00:39:22,780 --> 00:39:24,620
Well, your mother actually had sex,

1048
00:39:24,700 --> 00:39:26,790
so that comparison doesn't really work.

1049
00:39:27,490 --> 00:39:29,080
But at least you got a girlfriend now.

1050
00:39:29,160 --> 00:39:31,410
Eh, sort of.

1051
00:39:31,490 --> 00:39:33,410
Whoa, what do you mean, "sort of"?

1052
00:39:33,500 --> 00:39:35,750
Bethany's spending the summer in Italy.

1053
00:39:35,830 --> 00:39:37,000
She's leaving tomorrow.

1054
00:39:37,080 --> 00:39:38,790
Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.

1055
00:39:38,880 --> 00:39:41,260
That vagina's gonna be
right where you left it.

1056
00:39:41,340 --> 00:39:42,760
You think so?
Oh, yeah,

1057
00:39:42,840 --> 00:39:45,220
Italian guys are famous for
their sexual restraint

1058
00:39:45,300 --> 00:39:47,010
and respect for women.

1059
00:39:47,090 --> 00:39:49,180
Oh, you were saying... I
was saying the opposite.

1060
00:39:49,260 --> 00:39:50,680
You were doing a bit.
You were doing, like,

1061
00:39:50,760 --> 00:39:51,760
a bit, like an opposite thing.
I was saying the thing

1062
00:39:51,850 --> 00:39:52,930
they don't do.
You motherfucker.

1063
00:39:53,020 --> 00:39:54,060
Yeah.

1064
00:39:55,180 --> 00:39:56,850
Man, junior year was weird, huh?

1065
00:39:56,940 --> 00:39:58,860
Yeah, it sucked, no doubt about it.

1066
00:39:58,940 --> 00:40:00,360
Yeah.

1067
00:40:00,440 --> 00:40:02,030
But you know what?

1068
00:40:02,320 --> 00:40:04,240
Would've sucked way worse
without you, buddy.

1069
00:40:04,610 --> 00:40:05,860
Thanks, man.

1070
00:40:05,950 --> 00:40:07,910
That touches me deeply...

1071
00:40:07,990 --> 00:40:09,780
which is what's gonna happen
to Bethany in Italy.

1072
00:40:09,870 --> 00:40:11,080
Sorry. Sorry.
Oh, you motherfucker.

1073
00:40:11,160 --> 00:40:12,330
That was the last one.
Like, seriously though?

1074
00:40:12,410 --> 00:40:13,410
I know you're hurting.
That was the last one.

1075
00:40:13,490 --> 00:40:14,580
Last one.

1076
00:40:15,290 --> 00:40:17,250
I wonder what senior
year's gonna be like.

1077
00:40:17,330 --> 00:40:18,750
I don't know.

1078
00:40:18,830 --> 00:40:20,580
But you know what?
I say we make it great.

1079
00:40:20,670 --> 00:40:22,420
Really turn our lives around, you know?

1080
00:40:22,500 --> 00:40:24,790
Yeah.
Yeah, like actually do all

1081
00:40:24,880 --> 00:40:26,800
the summer reading and shit,
like, show up prepared.

1082
00:40:26,880 --> 00:40:28,880
Yeah, maybe even get a jump
on our college applications.

1083
00:40:28,970 --> 00:40:31,220
Yeah. That sounds great.

1084
00:40:31,640 --> 00:40:33,350
First thing tomorrow.

1085
00:40:34,770 --> 00:40:36,480
Looks like it might rain.

1086
00:40:36,560 --> 00:40:38,100
Jesus fucking Christ!

1087
00:40:38,190 --> 00:40:39,940
Fucking shit!
Why does it have to do that?

1088
00:40:40,020 --> 00:40:42,110
Oh, my God, it's so fucking scary.

1089
00:40:42,190 --> 00:40:44,190
I hate the thunder!
Fuck you, thunder!

1090
00:40:44,280 --> 00:40:46,280
Yeah, you can suck my dick!

1091
00:40:46,360 --> 00:40:47,860
Oh, my God, Teddy.

1092
00:40:47,950 --> 00:40:49,120
You thinking what I'm thinking?

1093
00:40:49,530 --> 00:40:50,660
Get the guitar.

1094
00:41:27,940 --> 00:41:31,860
Oh, you've got a headful
of someone dreadful

1095
00:41:31,950 --> 00:41:35,120
And yet, alas, that someone adores you

1096
00:41:36,790 --> 00:41:40,420
Everybody needs a best friend

1097
00:41:40,500 --> 00:41:42,960
I'm happy I'm yours

1098
00:41:43,040 --> 00:41:46,460
I'm just a clown

1099
00:41:46,550 --> 00:41:49,890
And I'll bring you down

1100
00:41:49,970 --> 00:41:55,980
But you just don't care 'cause your

1101
00:41:56,060 --> 00:41:58,230
Best friend is me