1 00:00:07,870 --> 00:00:09,290 My words are lazy 2 00:00:09,370 --> 00:00:11,210 My thoughts are hazy 3 00:00:11,290 --> 00:00:14,340 But this is one thing I'm sure of 4 00:00:14,420 --> 00:00:17,970 Everybody needs a best friend 5 00:00:18,050 --> 00:00:20,760 I'm happy I'm yours 6 00:00:30,650 --> 00:00:31,650 B7. 7 00:00:31,900 --> 00:00:33,320 Miss. Again? 8 00:00:33,610 --> 00:00:35,820 Yup. Jesus, that's eight misses. 9 00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:36,940 Yes, it is. 10 00:00:38,030 --> 00:00:39,030 Did you put your ships in? 11 00:00:39,110 --> 00:00:40,110 No, I did not. 12 00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:41,200 What the fuck, dude? 13 00:00:41,450 --> 00:00:42,540 While you were militarizing, 14 00:00:42,620 --> 00:00:44,830 I allocated my funds toward infrastructure. 15 00:00:44,910 --> 00:00:47,330 Roads and bridges, schools and hospitals, John. 16 00:00:47,410 --> 00:00:48,540 The needs of my people. 17 00:00:48,620 --> 00:00:49,700 That's not how the game works. 18 00:00:49,790 --> 00:00:51,710 It's not a game, you son of a bitch! 19 00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:53,170 Jesus, okay. 20 00:00:53,250 --> 00:00:55,920 Sorry, I think I've been watching too much M*A*S*H. 21 00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:58,000 Boys, come upstairs. 22 00:00:58,090 --> 00:01:00,130 It's cookie-frosting time. 23 00:01:00,430 --> 00:01:02,310 We gonna do this? 24 00:01:02,390 --> 00:01:04,140 Lori Loughlin's on Oprah at 3:00, 25 00:01:04,220 --> 00:01:05,680 so I was gonna jerk off. 26 00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:06,890 But I guess I can tape it. 27 00:01:06,970 --> 00:01:08,140 You're a good son. 28 00:01:18,070 --> 00:01:19,070 Oh, hey, Sarah. 29 00:01:19,150 --> 00:01:20,150 Hey, Ted. 30 00:01:20,240 --> 00:01:21,320 How's the pot business? 31 00:01:21,610 --> 00:01:24,280 The... crock pot business 32 00:01:24,370 --> 00:01:26,290 is doing just fine, thanks. 33 00:01:26,370 --> 00:01:28,580 Sarah, I don't think you've met my cousin John. 34 00:01:28,660 --> 00:01:29,700 Hi. Hi. 35 00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:32,210 Sarah's Blaire's friend from college. 36 00:01:32,290 --> 00:01:34,330 Her trip to California was canceled, 37 00:01:34,420 --> 00:01:37,010 so she's staying with us for Christmas. 38 00:01:37,090 --> 00:01:38,170 She's... Indian. 39 00:01:38,260 --> 00:01:39,760 Aunt Suze, you... 40 00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:41,220 you don't have to say that. 41 00:01:41,300 --> 00:01:42,680 Oh, I don't mind. 42 00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:45,180 Sarah shouldn't have to tell people she's Indian. 43 00:01:45,260 --> 00:01:46,430 Thank you. 44 00:01:46,510 --> 00:01:47,930 Aren't you glad you stayed for this? 45 00:01:48,020 --> 00:01:49,730 Mm. Okay, tools... 46 00:01:49,810 --> 00:01:51,060 Oh, thank you. 47 00:01:51,140 --> 00:01:53,520 For my little assistants here. 48 00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:55,940 Do you want to make the colostomy bag joke, or should I? 49 00:01:56,020 --> 00:01:57,520 Well, Sarah is the guest. 50 00:01:57,610 --> 00:02:00,240 Sarah, would you like to make the colostomy bag joke? 51 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:01,860 I'm all good. Thanks. 52 00:02:02,950 --> 00:02:04,870 Johnny, I need you outside. 53 00:02:04,950 --> 00:02:07,080 There's a raccoon frozen in the ice next to the driveway. 54 00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:08,370 I got to chip him out of there. 55 00:02:08,450 --> 00:02:09,700 Well, what do you need me for? 56 00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:12,210 Need you to bag up the pieces for the homeless. 57 00:02:12,290 --> 00:02:13,420 Wait, do you only give stuff to the homeless 58 00:02:13,500 --> 00:02:14,880 when you don't want to go to the dump? 59 00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:17,090 Matty, honey, this is Sarah, 60 00:02:17,170 --> 00:02:18,800 Blaire's Indian friend. 61 00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:21,050 Aunt Suze, you really don't have to add that. 62 00:02:21,130 --> 00:02:22,170 I had Indian food once. 63 00:02:22,260 --> 00:02:23,430 Blew right through me. 64 00:02:23,510 --> 00:02:25,850 I'll pass that on up the ladder. 65 00:02:25,930 --> 00:02:27,140 Do what you want to do. 66 00:02:27,220 --> 00:02:28,220 I'm just telling you what happened. 67 00:02:28,430 --> 00:02:29,560 All right, John, let's go. 68 00:02:29,640 --> 00:02:32,230 Well, actually, I'm helping Mom frost the cookies. 69 00:02:32,310 --> 00:02:33,560 Well, you can do that later. 70 00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:35,060 She asked him first, Matty. 71 00:02:35,150 --> 00:02:36,150 You can wait your turn. 72 00:02:36,230 --> 00:02:37,270 Are you kidding me? 73 00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:38,900 Jesus Christ, when I was your age, 74 00:02:38,980 --> 00:02:40,900 I would have killed to shovel ice with my dad. 75 00:02:40,980 --> 00:02:43,110 Yeah, I can see how chopping up a dead raccoon 76 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:45,120 would be a father-son memory maker. 77 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:46,580 So you're not gonna help? 78 00:02:46,660 --> 00:02:49,540 Well, I got a lot of cookies to frost, Dad. 79 00:02:49,620 --> 00:02:51,830 Spoken like a real man. 80 00:02:51,910 --> 00:02:53,290 Which means what? 81 00:02:53,370 --> 00:02:54,750 No, no, no, no, it's fine. You know what? 82 00:02:54,830 --> 00:02:57,580 Stay here and frost your cookies with the ladies. 83 00:02:57,670 --> 00:03:00,010 Maybe we can go see a Broadway show after. 84 00:03:00,090 --> 00:03:02,340 Oh, Matty, could we? 85 00:03:02,420 --> 00:03:06,840 So your implication is that John is, what, gay 86 00:03:06,930 --> 00:03:08,140 because he's frosting cookies? 87 00:03:08,220 --> 00:03:09,390 Susan, help me out here. 88 00:03:09,470 --> 00:03:11,430 Look at that. 89 00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:14,480 Is that an elf with his big candy cane? 90 00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:16,850 No, it's a barber pole. The elf just got a haircut. 91 00:03:16,940 --> 00:03:18,440 Oh, I love it. 92 00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:20,900 Oh, Matty, come look at the elf's haircut. 93 00:03:20,980 --> 00:03:22,770 Fuck, Jesus Christ! 94 00:03:22,860 --> 00:03:24,740 You know, when I was just a little bit older than you, 95 00:03:24,820 --> 00:03:26,070 I was in Vietnam. 96 00:03:26,150 --> 00:03:27,280 Did I ever tell you about the time 97 00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:29,240 I thought I saw a clown in a field 98 00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:31,320 but it was just an inside-out guy? 99 00:03:32,370 --> 00:03:33,500 Know what? Forget it. 100 00:03:33,580 --> 00:03:35,540 Frost your gay cookies. 101 00:03:37,330 --> 00:03:39,000 Did he just call you gay 102 00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:41,960 and then angrily toss his scarf over his shoulder? 103 00:03:42,050 --> 00:03:43,220 Yup. 104 00:03:43,300 --> 00:03:44,640 Maybe he's still figuring shit out. 105 00:03:45,130 --> 00:03:46,630 Well, it is always the homophobes. 106 00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:48,300 You know, I never understood that word. 107 00:03:48,390 --> 00:03:49,770 What word? "Homophobe." 108 00:03:49,850 --> 00:03:51,480 It's prejudice against gay people. 109 00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:52,600 Yeah, but, like, shouldn't it mean, 110 00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:54,060 like, scared of gay people? 111 00:03:54,140 --> 00:03:55,350 Yeah, I've always wondered that too. 112 00:03:55,430 --> 00:03:57,770 Like, every other phobe is, like, scared. 113 00:03:58,150 --> 00:03:59,650 That is what "homophobe" means. 114 00:03:59,730 --> 00:04:01,650 No, no, but it's... It is different, right? 115 00:04:01,730 --> 00:04:03,520 Like, in Arachnophobia, Jeff Daniels 116 00:04:03,610 --> 00:04:04,950 is scared of spiders because he thinks 117 00:04:05,030 --> 00:04:06,160 they're gonna, like, hurt him 118 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:07,660 or, like, kill him or something. 119 00:04:07,740 --> 00:04:09,660 Yeah, it's not like, "Oh, I'm scared of spiders 120 00:04:09,740 --> 00:04:11,740 'cause I think they're gonna make me a spider 121 00:04:11,830 --> 00:04:13,920 or they're gonna take over the school 122 00:04:13,990 --> 00:04:15,660 and teach spider stuff." 123 00:04:15,750 --> 00:04:17,670 Stop talking. I mean, if I was a homophobe, 124 00:04:17,750 --> 00:04:20,500 wouldn't I see a gay guy and be like, "Aah, a gay guy! 125 00:04:20,580 --> 00:04:21,620 Run!" 126 00:04:23,590 --> 00:04:25,050 Is the bear always like this? 127 00:04:25,300 --> 00:04:26,340 I'm so sorry. 128 00:04:28,340 --> 00:04:29,590 Whew! 129 00:04:29,930 --> 00:04:31,930 Didn't even run that far. 130 00:04:32,010 --> 00:04:36,010 So... Bollywood, 131 00:04:36,100 --> 00:04:37,890 is that you guys? 132 00:04:44,110 --> 00:04:46,530 Come on, Matty, we're gonna be late for church. 133 00:04:46,610 --> 00:04:48,030 No, I'm taking the week off. 134 00:04:48,110 --> 00:04:49,570 Pats are playing Buffalo. 135 00:04:50,030 --> 00:04:53,530 But it's the last Sunday service before Christmas Eve. 136 00:04:53,620 --> 00:04:55,160 And Father Odell says that if you don't 137 00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:57,030 cultivate a relationship with God, 138 00:04:57,120 --> 00:04:58,160 you're going to Hell. 139 00:04:58,250 --> 00:05:00,250 Can't be worse than one of his sermons. 140 00:05:00,330 --> 00:05:01,580 Well, if he's that boring, 141 00:05:01,670 --> 00:05:03,590 then why is the Boston Globe Spotlight Team 142 00:05:03,670 --> 00:05:05,550 doing a big story on him? 143 00:05:05,630 --> 00:05:07,550 Matty, Susan has a choir solo today. 144 00:05:08,050 --> 00:05:09,470 I'll be at the next one, all right? I promise. 145 00:05:09,550 --> 00:05:11,050 Jesus, it's 45 fucking minutes. 146 00:05:11,130 --> 00:05:12,130 You can't do this for her? 147 00:05:12,260 --> 00:05:13,390 Oh, it's all right. 148 00:05:13,470 --> 00:05:14,720 He works hard all week. 149 00:05:14,810 --> 00:05:17,230 If he wants to rest on a Sunday, let him rest. 150 00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:18,770 It's what the Lord did. 151 00:05:18,850 --> 00:05:20,190 No, it's not all right, though. 152 00:05:20,270 --> 00:05:21,770 He's acting like a selfish jerk. 153 00:05:21,850 --> 00:05:23,060 I'm selfish? 154 00:05:23,150 --> 00:05:24,150 Wait a minute. 155 00:05:24,230 --> 00:05:25,360 I work 60 hours a week 156 00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:26,940 so that you guys can have a fridge 157 00:05:27,030 --> 00:05:28,780 full of Eggos and Fanta. 158 00:05:28,860 --> 00:05:31,740 He's right. We do take the Fanta for granted. 159 00:05:31,820 --> 00:05:34,150 Here you go, Mom. Oh, thank you, sweetie. 160 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:36,280 Yeah. Hey, what's that? 161 00:05:36,660 --> 00:05:39,790 Oh, it's the toys for the Toys for Tots gift drive. 162 00:05:39,870 --> 00:05:41,620 That's Dennis the dump truck. 163 00:05:41,710 --> 00:05:43,000 Uh-huh. 164 00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:44,210 You can't give him away. 165 00:05:44,630 --> 00:05:46,760 Well, it's been in our basement for years. 166 00:05:46,840 --> 00:05:48,260 Yeah, but I've had him since I was a kid. 167 00:05:48,340 --> 00:05:49,510 That means a lot to me. 168 00:05:49,590 --> 00:05:51,340 You named your dump truck Dennis? 169 00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:53,300 Keep my truck's name out your mouth. 170 00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:56,260 Oh, honey, but you never play with it. 171 00:05:56,350 --> 00:05:57,430 Well... well, I'm gonna... 172 00:05:57,510 --> 00:05:58,720 I'm gonna start playing with him. 173 00:05:58,810 --> 00:06:00,270 Oh, you're gonna start playing with it now 174 00:06:00,350 --> 00:06:01,480 at fucking 50? 175 00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:02,890 Yes, I'm gonna... 176 00:06:02,980 --> 00:06:04,900 I'm gonna start playing with him all the time. 177 00:06:04,980 --> 00:06:06,230 Starting right now. See? 178 00:06:06,310 --> 00:06:08,350 Vroom, vroom. 179 00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:11,190 Oh, yeah, we'll deliver that peat moss. 180 00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:12,950 Yeah, we will. Vroom. 181 00:06:13,030 --> 00:06:15,070 Hey, that looks fun. Yeah, can we play? 182 00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:16,490 No. Aw. 183 00:06:16,700 --> 00:06:17,780 Vroom, vroom. 184 00:06:17,870 --> 00:06:19,200 What the fuck is happening? 185 00:06:19,290 --> 00:06:20,330 Vroom. 186 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:22,080 Why are you still here? 187 00:06:22,250 --> 00:06:23,540 Her flight was canceled, 188 00:06:23,620 --> 00:06:26,040 so she's staying with us for Christmas. 189 00:06:26,130 --> 00:06:27,720 Hang on a second. 190 00:06:27,790 --> 00:06:30,210 We got company here for the whole holidays 191 00:06:30,300 --> 00:06:32,090 and nobody even asked me? 192 00:06:32,170 --> 00:06:34,720 I can find somewhere else to stay if it's a problem. 193 00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:36,090 No. Please, no. 194 00:06:36,180 --> 00:06:37,600 No. Absolutely not. 195 00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:38,720 Susan said it's fine. Don't worry about him. 196 00:06:38,810 --> 00:06:40,690 What, I don't get a say in my own house? 197 00:06:40,770 --> 00:06:41,770 Oh, Matty, I think you're being 198 00:06:41,850 --> 00:06:43,480 a little silly about this. 199 00:06:43,770 --> 00:06:45,940 Nobody ever takes my side in this house ever! 200 00:06:46,020 --> 00:06:48,480 It's always me against everybody else. 201 00:06:48,570 --> 00:06:49,860 Well, maybe somebody would take your side 202 00:06:49,940 --> 00:06:51,530 if you weren't always spreading your shitty mood 203 00:06:51,610 --> 00:06:52,900 all over the house. Fine! 204 00:06:52,990 --> 00:06:54,490 Your friend can stay for the week. 205 00:06:54,570 --> 00:06:56,320 Go have fun at church. See? I'm nice. 206 00:06:56,410 --> 00:06:58,120 Thank you so much, Mr. Scrooge. 207 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:00,120 And God bless us, every one. 208 00:07:00,540 --> 00:07:02,960 Well, at least Scrooge was a good businessman. 209 00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:05,040 Yeah, and Tiny Tim's condition was preexisting. 210 00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:06,660 Scrooge shouldn't have to cover it. 211 00:07:06,750 --> 00:07:08,630 Exactly! Can I play with the truck? 212 00:07:08,710 --> 00:07:10,090 No. Aw. 213 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:24,440 Silent night 214 00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:29,110 Holy night 215 00:07:29,190 --> 00:07:33,530 All is calm 216 00:07:33,610 --> 00:07:38,110 All is bright 217 00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:42,410 Round yon virgin 218 00:07:42,490 --> 00:07:46,040 Mother and child 219 00:07:47,620 --> 00:07:51,210 Holy infant 220 00:07:51,290 --> 00:07:55,630 So tender and mild 221 00:07:56,130 --> 00:07:58,300 Wait, who describes an infant as mild? 222 00:07:58,390 --> 00:07:59,980 Yeah, I'm more hung up on tender. 223 00:08:00,050 --> 00:08:01,970 Yeah, somebody's eating this baby. 224 00:08:02,060 --> 00:08:04,810 Peace 225 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:09,900 Sleep in heavenly 226 00:08:09,980 --> 00:08:13,110 Peace 227 00:08:15,150 --> 00:08:16,530 Thank you to the choir 228 00:08:16,900 --> 00:08:19,950 and to Susan Bennett for that wonderful solo. 229 00:08:20,030 --> 00:08:21,030 Where's Matty? 230 00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:24,580 Oh, he wasn't feeling well today. 231 00:08:24,660 --> 00:08:26,580 It's important that we remember just why 232 00:08:26,660 --> 00:08:28,700 we celebrate Christmas. 233 00:08:29,210 --> 00:08:31,750 We observe the holiest of all days 234 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:36,340 to rejoice in the glory of the birth of Jesus Christ, 235 00:08:36,420 --> 00:08:38,670 born not from the seed of man 236 00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:40,800 but from divine origin. 237 00:08:41,260 --> 00:08:44,810 Never before or since have we, God's children, 238 00:08:44,890 --> 00:08:47,480 been blessed by such a miracle. 239 00:08:48,020 --> 00:08:50,520 Um, excuse me. 240 00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:51,730 Yeah, over here. 241 00:08:51,810 --> 00:08:53,940 Hi. Ted, local bear. 242 00:08:54,020 --> 00:08:55,770 You're talking about a guy who came alive 243 00:08:55,860 --> 00:08:57,150 out of nowhere, right? 244 00:08:57,650 --> 00:08:58,690 Yes. 245 00:08:58,780 --> 00:08:59,910 Yeah, me. 246 00:08:59,990 --> 00:09:01,120 I'm sorry? 247 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,540 I'm just saying, he's not the only one. 248 00:09:03,950 --> 00:09:05,790 I don't think that's the same thing. 249 00:09:05,990 --> 00:09:07,830 Well, you said, never before or since. 250 00:09:07,910 --> 00:09:11,210 But... You know, this guy. 251 00:09:11,290 --> 00:09:13,790 The birth of Christ was a heavenly miracle. 252 00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:15,050 I mean, what do you call this? 253 00:09:15,130 --> 00:09:16,760 I mean, I don't see any Pound Puppies 254 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:18,510 or Monchhichis walking around. 255 00:09:18,590 --> 00:09:21,760 Christ's birth was clearly ordained by God, 256 00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:24,510 marked by the star of Bethlehem, 257 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:26,850 a miraculous beacon from the heavens. 258 00:09:26,930 --> 00:09:28,520 There was a star there. There was a star, right? 259 00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:29,810 Yeah, no, it was a shooting star. 260 00:09:29,890 --> 00:09:30,890 I had a star. Yeah. 261 00:09:31,190 --> 00:09:33,110 Jesus had a divine purpose. 262 00:09:33,190 --> 00:09:36,650 God sent him to us to spread the word that He loves us. 263 00:09:37,190 --> 00:09:38,270 I love you. 264 00:09:38,610 --> 00:09:39,690 Your move, Friar Tuck. 265 00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:41,160 I just want to finish the sermon. 266 00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:42,950 I'm just saying, I might be Jesus. 267 00:09:43,030 --> 00:09:44,820 Might. I'm not saying for sure. 268 00:09:44,910 --> 00:09:46,580 I'm just saying it's a possibility. 269 00:09:46,660 --> 00:09:47,830 I might be Jesus. 270 00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:49,830 That is incredibly disrespectful. 271 00:09:50,210 --> 00:09:51,670 Says the guy eating babies. 272 00:09:51,750 --> 00:09:54,340 So third and 10. 273 00:09:54,420 --> 00:09:55,670 There he goes. 274 00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:01,340 Fucking Patriots! 275 00:10:01,420 --> 00:10:03,010 You see that, Dennis? 276 00:10:04,300 --> 00:10:05,970 Why couldn't I have been born in Buffalo? 277 00:10:06,470 --> 00:10:07,680 I'd be winning every year. 278 00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:10,100 God! Buffalo has it all. 279 00:10:10,180 --> 00:10:13,310 Let's leave something special for Santa this year: 280 00:10:13,390 --> 00:10:15,230 Jell-O Pudding Pops! 281 00:10:15,310 --> 00:10:16,310 Yay! 282 00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:17,740 Santa's gonna love it. 283 00:10:17,820 --> 00:10:21,160 Happy holidays from Jell-O Pudding Pops! 284 00:10:23,700 --> 00:10:26,750 Bet Bill Cosby's having a good Christmas. 285 00:10:26,830 --> 00:10:29,290 Bet he doesn't have to deal with a bunch of women 286 00:10:29,370 --> 00:10:31,160 telling him he's a jerk. 287 00:10:33,620 --> 00:10:36,830 You know, used to be, the man of the house said his piece, 288 00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:38,800 everybody just fell in line. 289 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:41,380 Now it's like fucking Jerry Springer in here. 290 00:10:44,340 --> 00:10:46,590 Bet if you could talk, you'd take my side. 291 00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:49,470 Have another beer, Matty. You've earned it. 292 00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:51,400 Ah, well, thanks, Dennis. 293 00:10:51,470 --> 00:10:53,350 I think I will. 294 00:10:53,980 --> 00:10:57,570 And... and... and take your socks off, Matty. 295 00:10:57,650 --> 00:10:59,240 I don't mind the smell of your feet 296 00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:01,700 because I know that's not something you can control. 297 00:11:01,780 --> 00:11:03,370 Well, I appreciate that, Dennis. 298 00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:04,990 Thank you. Thank you. 299 00:11:05,610 --> 00:11:07,240 Hey, Matty. Yeah? 300 00:11:07,660 --> 00:11:09,250 Shouldn't there be a White History Month too? 301 00:11:09,330 --> 00:11:12,130 Well, Dennis, you said it, not me. 302 00:11:21,380 --> 00:11:22,510 Ah! 303 00:11:22,590 --> 00:11:24,220 That was a hell of a floss. 304 00:11:28,430 --> 00:11:30,520 Nothing feels better than getting stuff 305 00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:32,690 out of places, right? 306 00:11:36,140 --> 00:11:37,600 Let me know when you want to take a run 307 00:11:37,690 --> 00:11:40,030 at that ingrown hair on my neck. 308 00:11:43,860 --> 00:11:45,490 Am I still getting the silent treatment? 309 00:11:45,780 --> 00:11:48,580 Look, I already said I'm sorry I missed your solo. 310 00:11:48,660 --> 00:11:50,450 You know I can't sit on wood. 311 00:11:50,530 --> 00:11:52,200 It aggravates my hemorrhoids. 312 00:11:54,250 --> 00:11:58,050 Oh, so my hemorrhoids are my fault, too, I guess, huh? 313 00:11:59,210 --> 00:12:01,380 It ain't the post office down there, Susan. 314 00:12:01,460 --> 00:12:03,380 This stuff doesn't just show up on its own. 315 00:12:03,460 --> 00:12:05,050 There's effort involved. 316 00:12:10,260 --> 00:12:12,640 Might get one of those... one of those doughnut pillows. 317 00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:13,760 No. You know what? 318 00:12:13,850 --> 00:12:15,390 You don't get to hear about it. 319 00:13:32,090 --> 00:13:33,470 Hey! 320 00:13:35,220 --> 00:13:37,390 You wished me to life, fuck face! 321 00:13:48,860 --> 00:13:51,950 Um how the hell did this happen? 322 00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:53,740 Just like it happened with Ted. 323 00:13:53,820 --> 00:13:55,450 I was looking out the window. 324 00:13:55,530 --> 00:13:56,700 Shooting star flies by. 325 00:13:56,780 --> 00:13:57,780 I made a wish. 326 00:13:57,990 --> 00:13:59,120 And here I am. 327 00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:00,330 Is this house cursed? 328 00:14:00,410 --> 00:14:02,080 Hey, Susan, can I smoke in here? 329 00:14:02,170 --> 00:14:03,550 If he smokes, I get to smoke. 330 00:14:03,620 --> 00:14:06,170 I'm sorry, Dennis, if I let you smoke, 331 00:14:06,250 --> 00:14:08,500 I'll have to let all the toys smoke. 332 00:14:08,630 --> 00:14:09,630 Yeah, fuck. 333 00:14:09,710 --> 00:14:10,750 Hey, can I ask you something? 334 00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:12,090 How did it feel for you? 335 00:14:12,170 --> 00:14:13,380 Yeah, one minute, nothing. 336 00:14:13,470 --> 00:14:14,510 The next, I can talk. 337 00:14:14,590 --> 00:14:17,260 Was there a feeling like acid reflux, like, right after? 338 00:14:17,350 --> 00:14:18,600 Oh, yeah, bad. 339 00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:20,470 It also felt like I had to pee, but I couldn't. 340 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:21,730 Yup. Same here. 341 00:14:21,810 --> 00:14:23,560 Must be what happens when toys come to life. 342 00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:27,600 So you just wished for your truck to come alive? 343 00:14:28,190 --> 00:14:29,230 Not exactly. 344 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:30,320 I wished there was someone in the house 345 00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:32,110 who'd back me up in an argument. 346 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:33,280 Next thing I know, I could move 347 00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:35,110 and I hated the fucking Yankees. 348 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:37,450 Well, I guess it's a Christmas miracle. 349 00:14:37,870 --> 00:14:40,040 So, like, were there murders here? 350 00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:41,660 Like, was a grave desecrated? 351 00:14:41,750 --> 00:14:43,250 Jesus Christ, look at this. Look at this. 352 00:14:43,330 --> 00:14:45,710 They're giving free visas to tech workers. 353 00:14:45,790 --> 00:14:47,710 Oh, fucking A. They're coming. 354 00:14:48,090 --> 00:14:49,340 Who? Immigrants. 355 00:14:49,420 --> 00:14:52,300 Oh, for fuck's sake. Really? Him too? 356 00:14:52,380 --> 00:14:53,960 Yeah, those affirmative action bozos 357 00:14:54,050 --> 00:14:55,720 are probably jumping for joy. 358 00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:58,340 No shit, watching them take all the goddamn jobs. 359 00:14:58,430 --> 00:14:59,810 You do know affirmative action 360 00:14:59,890 --> 00:15:02,140 isn't about taking things away, right? 361 00:15:02,230 --> 00:15:03,360 It's about including people 362 00:15:03,430 --> 00:15:05,020 who've been discriminated against. 363 00:15:05,100 --> 00:15:06,230 Oh, come on! 364 00:15:06,310 --> 00:15:07,310 Oh, here we go again with this again. 365 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:08,440 What a bunch of bullshit. 366 00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:10,100 So you're saying we should give people jobs 367 00:15:10,190 --> 00:15:11,570 based on the color of their skin. 368 00:15:11,650 --> 00:15:14,780 I'm saying that things have been unequal for centuries 369 00:15:14,860 --> 00:15:16,320 and we should balance the scales. 370 00:15:16,410 --> 00:15:17,910 So yeah. 371 00:15:17,990 --> 00:15:19,740 Okay, see, now, that's racist. 372 00:15:19,830 --> 00:15:20,830 You're the one who's defending 373 00:15:20,910 --> 00:15:22,330 a white-dominated workforce. 374 00:15:22,410 --> 00:15:23,740 Hey, I don't care if they're purple, 375 00:15:23,830 --> 00:15:25,290 green, or orange, all right? 376 00:15:25,370 --> 00:15:27,330 I just don't want them Black, brown, or yellow. 377 00:15:27,420 --> 00:15:29,460 Oh, my God, dude, really? Whoa, Jesus, dude. 378 00:15:29,540 --> 00:15:32,290 Come on, it's a fucking joke. Relax. 379 00:15:32,380 --> 00:15:33,590 Okay, look, brown person over here. 380 00:15:33,670 --> 00:15:36,340 Just FYI, my parents moved here from India, 381 00:15:36,430 --> 00:15:38,060 and they built a very successful business 382 00:15:38,140 --> 00:15:39,390 all on their own. 383 00:15:39,470 --> 00:15:41,140 And they had to work twice as hard to do it. 384 00:15:41,220 --> 00:15:42,970 Business owners. All right. Okay. 385 00:15:43,060 --> 00:15:44,650 Your parents vote for Clinton or Bush? 386 00:15:44,730 --> 00:15:47,360 Well, I mean, they voted for Bush, but I... 387 00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:48,610 Holy shit! Ah, see, there it is. 388 00:15:48,690 --> 00:15:49,980 There it is. Check-fucking-mate! See? 389 00:15:50,060 --> 00:15:51,190 This is why Dennis. 390 00:15:51,270 --> 00:15:53,020 This is why Dennis! 391 00:15:53,110 --> 00:15:54,530 But I voted for Clinton. 392 00:15:54,610 --> 00:15:56,530 You know what this is? Fucking Republicans. 393 00:15:56,610 --> 00:15:58,650 I swear to God, all you guys care about 394 00:15:58,740 --> 00:16:00,120 is winning the argument. 395 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:02,950 You don't care about actual change or justice. 396 00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:04,630 It's all about feeling fake smart 397 00:16:04,700 --> 00:16:05,910 for, like, two seconds. 398 00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:07,080 Let me ask you this. 399 00:16:07,170 --> 00:16:08,340 What about the world beyond you? 400 00:16:08,420 --> 00:16:10,710 What about other people and their needs? 401 00:16:10,790 --> 00:16:12,380 Jesus, what are you getting all mad about? 402 00:16:12,460 --> 00:16:14,380 You got two broads on the Supreme Court now. 403 00:16:14,460 --> 00:16:16,800 You're winning. Yeah, there you go, right? 404 00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:18,920 Two out of nine is pretty darn good. 405 00:16:19,010 --> 00:16:20,140 Okay. You know what? 406 00:16:20,220 --> 00:16:21,890 I am used to taking this crap from Matty, 407 00:16:21,970 --> 00:16:24,930 but I'm not gonna take it from some random piece of shit 408 00:16:25,020 --> 00:16:26,350 that just came to life. 409 00:16:26,430 --> 00:16:28,020 No offense, Ted. All good. 410 00:16:28,100 --> 00:16:29,480 Come on. Let's go. 411 00:16:32,230 --> 00:16:35,230 So we just don't care that I'm Jesus, huh? 412 00:17:09,190 --> 00:17:10,900 Mm. Oh, my God. 413 00:17:12,230 --> 00:17:13,690 Hi. 414 00:17:14,070 --> 00:17:18,620 I was just checking to see if you're okay after... 415 00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:22,530 Well, it looks like you're okay. 416 00:17:25,540 --> 00:17:27,580 Wait, wait, Aunt Suze. 417 00:17:28,500 --> 00:17:29,920 There's something you should know. 418 00:17:30,670 --> 00:17:32,090 What? 419 00:17:32,500 --> 00:17:34,170 Me and Sarah are... 420 00:17:35,670 --> 00:17:38,420 We're a couple, like, dating. Yeah. 421 00:17:39,590 --> 00:17:40,800 No. 422 00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:43,050 Yeah. No. 423 00:17:43,550 --> 00:17:45,640 You're just very good friends. 424 00:17:46,140 --> 00:17:49,020 Um, no, that's not... No. 425 00:17:49,100 --> 00:17:50,100 What you just saw... 426 00:17:50,180 --> 00:17:51,640 What I saw 427 00:17:51,730 --> 00:17:54,360 was you expressing your good friendship, 428 00:17:54,730 --> 00:17:56,230 just like the girls on the tennis team 429 00:17:56,320 --> 00:17:58,860 used to do when I was in school. 430 00:17:58,940 --> 00:18:00,570 You know what? 431 00:18:00,650 --> 00:18:01,690 Maybe you're right. 432 00:18:01,780 --> 00:18:03,660 Maybe that's for the best. 433 00:18:03,740 --> 00:18:06,330 We're just... really good friends. 434 00:18:06,410 --> 00:18:08,290 Wait. What? 435 00:18:08,370 --> 00:18:10,120 Sarah, people in this house think Liberace 436 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:12,240 just had a lot of personality, okay? 437 00:18:12,330 --> 00:18:14,330 I think good friends is as far as they're gonna go. 438 00:18:14,420 --> 00:18:17,670 Gosh, that Liberace sure was full of spunk, wasn't he? 439 00:18:17,750 --> 00:18:19,290 Blaire, no, okay? 440 00:18:19,420 --> 00:18:20,630 I'm tired of this. 441 00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:22,010 We keep hiding it everywhere we go. 442 00:18:22,090 --> 00:18:23,630 I know. It's bullshit. 443 00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:24,970 Okay, well, you think my uncle's gonna be cool 444 00:18:25,050 --> 00:18:26,050 with this? Oh, come on. 445 00:18:26,140 --> 00:18:27,220 Especially with Dennis around? 446 00:18:27,310 --> 00:18:28,640 Who gives a fuck what he thinks? 447 00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:31,010 And why should I care what a fucking toy dump truck 448 00:18:31,100 --> 00:18:32,770 thinks about my sexuality? 449 00:18:33,270 --> 00:18:34,770 There's a sentence you don't hear every day. 450 00:18:34,850 --> 00:18:36,440 Wouldn't it be easier to just tell them 451 00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:38,110 we're more than good friends? 452 00:18:38,190 --> 00:18:41,990 I really think that if we just take a minute, 453 00:18:42,070 --> 00:18:43,610 we'd be saving ourselves a lot of stress, 454 00:18:44,110 --> 00:18:45,860 all right, at least till after Christmas. 455 00:18:45,950 --> 00:18:49,540 We have very little going on January 3rd. 456 00:18:49,660 --> 00:18:50,790 Great. 457 00:18:50,870 --> 00:18:51,950 Yeah, that works. 458 00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:53,460 All right. Thank you, Suze. 459 00:18:56,670 --> 00:18:59,630 January 3rd, put it on the calendar. 460 00:19:13,980 --> 00:19:16,230 Oh, my God, did I tell you somebody broke into my car 461 00:19:16,310 --> 00:19:17,850 and whacked off on the dashboard? 462 00:19:17,940 --> 00:19:19,570 Yes, like, 50 fucking times. 463 00:19:19,650 --> 00:19:21,860 Right. Fuck, Sarah, it's the holidays. 464 00:19:21,940 --> 00:19:23,280 Can we not turn on each other? 465 00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:24,740 Fine. Let me braid your hair. 466 00:19:24,820 --> 00:19:26,160 Thank you. 467 00:19:29,410 --> 00:19:30,910 Okay, we can't read this whole thing. 468 00:19:30,990 --> 00:19:32,990 Well, if we're gonna figure out if I'm actually Jesus, 469 00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:34,250 we at least got to skim it. 470 00:19:34,330 --> 00:19:36,620 I have never seen pages so thin. 471 00:19:36,710 --> 00:19:37,840 I know. 472 00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:39,550 It's like Kleenex with boring stories on it. 473 00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:40,880 You know, I was thinking. 474 00:19:41,170 --> 00:19:42,880 How do we know that Dennis isn't Jesus? 475 00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:44,880 Johnny, Jesus walked on water, all right? 476 00:19:44,970 --> 00:19:46,140 Walked! 477 00:19:46,220 --> 00:19:47,220 That means he had feet, not wheels. 478 00:19:47,300 --> 00:19:48,430 Yeah, that makes sense. 479 00:19:50,300 --> 00:19:51,340 Oh, wait, hang on. Stop right there. 480 00:19:51,430 --> 00:19:52,430 Look, look, look. 481 00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:54,430 Matthew 21:31, 482 00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:56,270 "Truly I say to you, 483 00:19:56,350 --> 00:19:58,270 the tax collectors and prostitutes 484 00:19:58,350 --> 00:20:00,310 go into the kingdom of heaven before you." 485 00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:01,440 Look at that. 486 00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:02,850 Jesus hangs out with hookers. 487 00:20:02,940 --> 00:20:04,400 Yeah, and he says there's hookers in heaven too. 488 00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:05,730 He sounds a lot like you. 489 00:20:05,820 --> 00:20:07,700 Oh, yeah, heaven is probably mostly hookers. 490 00:20:07,780 --> 00:20:09,450 Wait, so you're paying for sex in heaven? 491 00:20:09,530 --> 00:20:10,610 You're not paying them for sex. 492 00:20:10,700 --> 00:20:12,080 You're paying them to fly away. 493 00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:13,240 Oh. 494 00:20:13,330 --> 00:20:14,330 Let's see. 495 00:20:15,750 --> 00:20:17,460 "And behold, I come quickly, 496 00:20:17,540 --> 00:20:19,830 and my reward is with me to give"... 497 00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:21,300 What was that first part? 498 00:20:21,380 --> 00:20:23,300 "Behold, I come quickly." 499 00:20:23,710 --> 00:20:25,090 Jesus said that? Yeah. 500 00:20:25,170 --> 00:20:28,050 Yeah, that's not the kind of thing I'd start with "behold." 501 00:20:28,380 --> 00:20:29,420 What else? 502 00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:32,140 Well, look, look, look. Right there. Right there. 503 00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:33,970 John the apostle. 504 00:20:34,060 --> 00:20:35,730 Jesus had an apostle named John. 505 00:20:35,810 --> 00:20:36,810 Holy shit. 506 00:20:36,890 --> 00:20:38,560 Those were, like, his buddies, right? 507 00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:40,730 Yeah, yeah, there was Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey, 508 00:20:40,810 --> 00:20:42,100 Johnny, Blitzen, 509 00:20:42,190 --> 00:20:43,940 and Larry, Darryl, and Darryl. 510 00:20:44,020 --> 00:20:45,190 There's no doubt anymore. 511 00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:46,780 I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. 512 00:20:46,860 --> 00:20:48,070 Holy shit. 513 00:20:48,360 --> 00:20:49,860 Does this mean you have, like, powers and stuff? 514 00:20:49,950 --> 00:20:51,950 Yeah, but I probably got to learn how to use them. 515 00:20:52,030 --> 00:20:53,410 Flip to the spells. 516 00:20:53,490 --> 00:20:54,950 OK, spells, spells, spells. Spells, spells, spells. 517 00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:56,170 Wonder what my alignment is. 518 00:20:56,250 --> 00:20:58,170 Chaotic good. Ah, yeah, yeah. 519 00:20:58,250 --> 00:20:59,380 Good, but, like, you know, I might 520 00:20:59,460 --> 00:21:00,880 fuck around a little bit. Yeah. 521 00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:02,920 Shit, we supposed to have dice? 522 00:21:08,170 --> 00:21:10,090 Hey, Matty, a Jew, a Polack, 523 00:21:10,180 --> 00:21:11,770 and a Black guy walk into a bar... 524 00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:13,430 Oh, my fucking God. Really? Wow. 525 00:21:13,510 --> 00:21:15,010 Hey, watch the language. 526 00:21:15,100 --> 00:21:16,190 Tell your stupid truck that. 527 00:21:16,270 --> 00:21:17,850 He's telling racist jokes. 528 00:21:17,930 --> 00:21:19,220 I'm not racist. 529 00:21:19,310 --> 00:21:20,520 The punch line wasn't gonna be about the Black guy. 530 00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:21,980 It was gonna be about the Jew... 531 00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:23,980 and, to a lesser extent, about the Polack 532 00:21:24,060 --> 00:21:26,100 and a little bit about the Black guy's penis. 533 00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:27,650 See? The point is, 534 00:21:27,730 --> 00:21:29,520 none of them knew how deep the water was. 535 00:21:30,070 --> 00:21:31,820 Ow! Hey! This is assault! 536 00:21:31,910 --> 00:21:33,160 I'm being assaulted here! 537 00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:35,030 So much for the nonviolent left. 538 00:21:35,120 --> 00:21:36,370 It's Christmas Eve. 539 00:21:36,450 --> 00:21:38,330 Can't we just have a nice dinner together? 540 00:21:38,410 --> 00:21:39,790 Yes, we can. 541 00:21:39,870 --> 00:21:41,370 It's a beautiful ham, Aunt Susan. 542 00:21:41,460 --> 00:21:42,460 Thank you. 543 00:21:42,540 --> 00:21:44,290 Yeah, everything looks really great. 544 00:21:44,380 --> 00:21:45,720 Thank you, girls. Thank you. 545 00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:47,010 You want some of this? Yes, please. 546 00:21:47,090 --> 00:21:48,180 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey! 547 00:21:48,260 --> 00:21:49,260 What? What? What? 548 00:21:49,340 --> 00:21:50,550 It's Christmas Eve. 549 00:21:50,930 --> 00:21:53,020 We got to say grace, thank the Lord. 550 00:21:53,090 --> 00:21:54,680 You're welcome. Fine. 551 00:21:54,760 --> 00:21:56,430 Dennis, would you like to do the honors? 552 00:21:56,510 --> 00:21:58,470 Absolutely. Bow your heads. 553 00:22:00,020 --> 00:22:01,150 Dear Lord... Yes. 554 00:22:01,230 --> 00:22:02,770 Thank you for this food... No problem. 555 00:22:02,850 --> 00:22:04,310 And for these blessings... Anytime. 556 00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:05,490 Make us thankful. On it. 557 00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:07,310 And may we serve you... Mashed potatoes. 558 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:09,150 What the fuck? You want to say grace? 559 00:22:09,230 --> 00:22:10,270 Nah, I'd feel like an asshole. 560 00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:11,570 Amen. 561 00:22:11,650 --> 00:22:13,860 Oh, that was just beautiful, Dennis. 562 00:22:13,950 --> 00:22:15,240 Now you can eat. 563 00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:17,030 Oh, yeah, thank you so much for your permission. 564 00:22:17,410 --> 00:22:19,330 Hey, you know, I hope the PC thought police 565 00:22:19,410 --> 00:22:21,080 over at that college don't kick you out 566 00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:22,450 for praying to Jesus. 567 00:22:22,540 --> 00:22:23,790 You know, 70% of the world 568 00:22:23,870 --> 00:22:25,580 doesn't even believe in Jesus. 569 00:22:25,790 --> 00:22:27,380 I'll get them. Yeah, those are 570 00:22:27,460 --> 00:22:29,210 all the starving countries with no food. 571 00:22:29,670 --> 00:22:32,710 Oh, so God loves Americans more, is that the theory? 572 00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:34,590 Yeah, not for long if Slick Willy 573 00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:36,850 fucks things up by putting gays in the military. 574 00:22:36,930 --> 00:22:38,970 For God's sake, what would Reagan say? 575 00:22:39,060 --> 00:22:40,190 Right now? 576 00:22:40,270 --> 00:22:41,770 Probably something about choo-choo trains. 577 00:22:41,850 --> 00:22:44,060 Would anyone like some mushroom caps? 578 00:22:44,140 --> 00:22:46,310 Uncle Matty, do you agree with Dennis 579 00:22:46,650 --> 00:22:48,030 that gay people shouldn't serve? 580 00:22:48,110 --> 00:22:49,280 I think it's a bad idea. 581 00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:50,360 Why? 582 00:22:50,530 --> 00:22:51,610 You want to put a gay guy 583 00:22:51,690 --> 00:22:53,730 in a barracks with 20 regular guys? 584 00:22:53,820 --> 00:22:55,610 What happens when they all got to shower? 585 00:22:56,030 --> 00:22:57,450 I don't know, Matty. What happens? 586 00:22:57,530 --> 00:22:58,660 Plus, the Bible says 587 00:22:58,740 --> 00:23:00,370 no butt stuff, or you go to Hell. 588 00:23:00,450 --> 00:23:01,950 Hey, where's the spell section? 589 00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:03,630 So it's immoral too? 590 00:23:03,710 --> 00:23:05,250 Gay people should all go to Hell, 591 00:23:05,330 --> 00:23:06,540 that's what you think? 592 00:23:06,790 --> 00:23:08,210 Listen, I don't care! 593 00:23:08,540 --> 00:23:10,170 Anybody can stick anything anywhere they want, 594 00:23:10,710 --> 00:23:13,000 as long as it's not in the army and not in my house. 595 00:23:13,380 --> 00:23:15,670 Well, then I guess Sarah and I aren't welcome here. 596 00:23:17,010 --> 00:23:18,220 What do you mean? 597 00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:21,640 Sarah and I are a couple. 598 00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:23,970 Called it, Johnny. Motherfucker. 599 00:23:24,350 --> 00:23:27,440 Blaire, I thought we were gonna do this on January 3rd. 600 00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:28,900 Wait a minute. 601 00:23:28,980 --> 00:23:31,020 You... the two of you? 602 00:23:31,110 --> 00:23:32,740 Oh, my God. Mm. 603 00:23:32,820 --> 00:23:34,110 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey! 604 00:23:34,190 --> 00:23:35,900 What the fuck is this? 605 00:23:35,990 --> 00:23:37,030 What are you gonna do about it? 606 00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:38,400 You're gay? 607 00:23:38,490 --> 00:23:40,620 Fluid. What the hell does that mean? 608 00:23:40,700 --> 00:23:43,330 It means that I'm attracted to personalities 609 00:23:43,410 --> 00:23:44,490 regardless of their gender. 610 00:23:44,750 --> 00:23:46,590 Oh, Jesus Christ. 611 00:23:46,670 --> 00:23:48,010 You're attracted to personalities, 612 00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:49,170 and you picked her? 613 00:23:49,250 --> 00:23:50,250 Hey! Oh, fuck you. 614 00:23:50,340 --> 00:23:51,340 You've met six people. 615 00:23:51,420 --> 00:23:52,500 It's that college. 616 00:23:52,590 --> 00:23:54,510 It's that college! Oh, my God. 617 00:23:54,590 --> 00:23:55,670 Susan, what am I always saying? 618 00:23:55,760 --> 00:23:57,350 College turns people gay. 619 00:23:57,430 --> 00:23:58,470 College turns people gay. 620 00:23:58,550 --> 00:24:00,050 Absolutely right! 621 00:24:00,140 --> 00:24:02,560 Out there on the lawn every weekend, 622 00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:04,220 tossing the Frisbee around. 623 00:24:04,310 --> 00:24:06,020 How the fuck is Frisbee gay? 624 00:24:06,100 --> 00:24:07,520 It's a sport where nobody wins. 625 00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:08,940 It's only about the fun. 626 00:24:09,020 --> 00:24:10,100 So what? 627 00:24:10,190 --> 00:24:11,320 And what's this? 628 00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:13,240 What's this, doing this all the time, huh? 629 00:24:13,320 --> 00:24:14,610 That's not a man's sport. 630 00:24:14,690 --> 00:24:16,150 You might as well be on a balcony 631 00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:17,530 waving goodbye to your lover. 632 00:24:17,610 --> 00:24:18,950 Making those clap catches, 633 00:24:19,030 --> 00:24:20,570 like you're front row at Elton John. 634 00:24:20,660 --> 00:24:22,200 Oh, the clap catch. 635 00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:24,450 Yeah, clap catching your Wham-O Frisbee. 636 00:24:24,540 --> 00:24:25,630 You know why it's called Wham-O? 637 00:24:25,700 --> 00:24:27,330 You turn around, you bend over to pick up 638 00:24:27,410 --> 00:24:28,540 up your Frisbee, and wham-o! 639 00:24:28,620 --> 00:24:29,830 Oh, you know what? 640 00:24:29,920 --> 00:24:31,420 You wish you were a Frisbee, you little shit. 641 00:24:31,500 --> 00:24:33,840 And I'm so sorry that our sexual orientation 642 00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:35,710 is so offensive to everyone. 643 00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:37,050 Merry fucking Christmas. 644 00:24:37,170 --> 00:24:38,210 Come on, Sarah. 645 00:24:38,300 --> 00:24:39,340 Blaire. 646 00:24:39,430 --> 00:24:40,430 Blaire, honey, wait. 647 00:24:40,510 --> 00:24:41,720 Thank you. 648 00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:45,100 Matty, please apologize to her. 649 00:24:45,180 --> 00:24:46,850 Me? Yes, you. 650 00:24:46,930 --> 00:24:48,930 She should be apologizing to God. 651 00:24:49,020 --> 00:24:50,400 Oh, he says it's fine. No worries. 652 00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:51,900 But it's the holidays. 653 00:24:51,980 --> 00:24:53,690 I'm not gonna apologize to her! 654 00:24:53,770 --> 00:24:56,360 She just made a spectacle in front of the entire family 655 00:24:56,440 --> 00:24:58,150 and in front of the ham! 656 00:24:58,240 --> 00:24:59,620 Well, you know what? 657 00:24:59,700 --> 00:25:01,790 This is my ham, and you're not having a piece of the ham 658 00:25:01,870 --> 00:25:03,210 until you say you're sorry. 659 00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:04,950 You know what? I don't need any ham! 660 00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:07,500 I got all the Slim Jims I need in the basement! 661 00:25:07,750 --> 00:25:09,420 Come on, Dennis. Good call, Buddy. 662 00:25:12,790 --> 00:25:15,210 All I wanted was a nice Christmas. 663 00:25:20,340 --> 00:25:22,590 Okay, what do you say we try one of them spells, huh? 664 00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:24,470 Water into wine, here we go. 665 00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:26,940 Meka leka hi, meka hiney ho. 666 00:25:27,020 --> 00:25:29,560 Meka leka hi, meka chiney ho. 667 00:25:29,810 --> 00:25:31,100 All right, try it. 668 00:25:35,860 --> 00:25:37,610 Still water. Fuck! 669 00:25:37,690 --> 00:25:38,770 Oh, you know what? 670 00:25:38,860 --> 00:25:40,190 It's 'cause we don't have the wand. 671 00:25:56,960 --> 00:25:57,960 What? 672 00:25:59,800 --> 00:26:01,390 Hey, we brought you some ham 673 00:26:01,470 --> 00:26:02,720 in case you're still hungry. 674 00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:05,140 Where is it? Oh. 675 00:26:08,350 --> 00:26:10,770 Yeah, it's touching a five, so... 676 00:26:10,850 --> 00:26:11,890 Oh, look at that. 677 00:26:11,980 --> 00:26:13,730 What do you guys want? 678 00:26:14,190 --> 00:26:15,520 We just wanted to see how you're doing. 679 00:26:15,980 --> 00:26:17,570 Shitty. Wait, you're leaving? 680 00:26:17,650 --> 00:26:19,190 Yeah, I thought I'd go somewhere 681 00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:20,660 a little more tolerant, 682 00:26:20,740 --> 00:26:21,820 like Iran. 683 00:26:22,990 --> 00:26:24,830 Listen, Blaire, 684 00:26:24,910 --> 00:26:26,160 we just wanted to say, you know, 685 00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:28,990 Teddy and I are totally cool with you being... 686 00:26:29,700 --> 00:26:31,910 you know, just in case you were wondering. 687 00:26:32,410 --> 00:26:33,910 I don't need your approval. 688 00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:35,250 No. Yeah, I know that, but... 689 00:26:35,330 --> 00:26:38,000 No, I... sorry, I get what you meant. 690 00:26:39,090 --> 00:26:40,510 Thanks. Cool. 691 00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:42,050 I mean, we love lesbians. 692 00:26:42,130 --> 00:26:43,130 Yeah, like, a lot. 693 00:26:43,220 --> 00:26:45,180 Like, we found some magazines in the woods... 694 00:26:45,260 --> 00:26:46,260 I get it. 695 00:26:46,930 --> 00:26:50,270 Um, question... and I hope I'm not out of line here... 696 00:26:50,350 --> 00:26:52,640 but is it 'cause... 697 00:26:53,020 --> 00:26:55,150 I mean, did you get a bad dick? 698 00:26:56,190 --> 00:26:58,110 Yeah, that's not how it works. 699 00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:00,690 Look, I'm not 100% one way or the other. 700 00:27:00,780 --> 00:27:03,740 I just... I'm attracted to who I'm attracted to. 701 00:27:04,700 --> 00:27:06,870 Also, I got a bad dick. 702 00:27:06,950 --> 00:27:08,030 Oh, my God! Oh, that's awesome. 703 00:27:08,120 --> 00:27:09,660 That's awesome. Ah, no. 704 00:27:09,740 --> 00:27:12,030 That's just a comedy freebie for you guys. 705 00:27:12,410 --> 00:27:13,910 It's bullshit, all right? Thank you. 706 00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:15,500 Thank you for the Christmas dick joke. 707 00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:18,420 Shit. 708 00:27:18,500 --> 00:27:20,170 I mean, how the fuck am I supposed to share a house 709 00:27:20,250 --> 00:27:21,710 with somebody who treats me like 710 00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:23,720 I have some fucking disease? 711 00:27:24,550 --> 00:27:26,550 Guess there's no chance he's gonna apologize. 712 00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:27,770 You know, if I can offer 713 00:27:27,850 --> 00:27:29,730 a bit of Christly wisdom, Blaire? 714 00:27:30,010 --> 00:27:32,220 You're smarter than he is, 715 00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:34,730 so you might have to go talk to him. 716 00:27:34,810 --> 00:27:36,850 Oh, fuck that. 717 00:27:36,940 --> 00:27:38,900 I am not extending an olive branch to somebody 718 00:27:38,980 --> 00:27:40,770 who's against basic equality. 719 00:27:40,940 --> 00:27:42,070 Well, that's the thing, Blaire. 720 00:27:42,150 --> 00:27:44,070 I don't think he's really even against anything. 721 00:27:44,150 --> 00:27:45,320 Think he just didn't want to look stupid 722 00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:46,480 in front of his truck. 723 00:27:46,570 --> 00:27:48,410 Listen to yourself! 724 00:27:48,490 --> 00:27:49,660 Okay, then don't do it for Dad. 725 00:27:49,740 --> 00:27:51,080 Do it for Mom. 726 00:27:51,490 --> 00:27:52,870 Look, she's really bummed out right now, 727 00:27:52,950 --> 00:27:54,910 and it's all just 'cause Christmas is messed up. 728 00:27:55,710 --> 00:27:56,840 Look, I know it's gonna suck, but... 729 00:27:56,920 --> 00:27:59,260 But it's like I say in the book of Romulans: 730 00:27:59,330 --> 00:28:00,540 turn the other cheek. 731 00:28:00,630 --> 00:28:02,260 Do unto others. 732 00:28:02,550 --> 00:28:03,630 Say it, don't spray it. 733 00:28:04,420 --> 00:28:05,590 I'll have what she's having. 734 00:28:05,970 --> 00:28:07,050 You're an idiot. 735 00:28:07,130 --> 00:28:08,920 Oh, what do we say to that, Apostle? 736 00:28:09,010 --> 00:28:10,800 Four Hell points. Four Hell points. 737 00:28:11,100 --> 00:28:12,390 What the fuck is a Hell point? 738 00:28:12,470 --> 00:28:14,680 It's how I determine which of my children, who I love, 739 00:28:14,770 --> 00:28:16,150 will be tortured forever. 740 00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:17,980 Oh, God. 741 00:28:18,980 --> 00:28:21,440 Ugh, all right, all right, I'll... 742 00:28:21,820 --> 00:28:23,030 I'll talk to him. 743 00:28:24,320 --> 00:28:25,700 Usually a day or two in traction... 744 00:28:25,780 --> 00:28:27,450 Now, wait a minute, Frank, I'm the doctor here. 745 00:28:27,530 --> 00:28:29,370 I thought I was the doctor here. 746 00:28:29,450 --> 00:28:30,830 Actually, we're all doctors here. 747 00:28:30,910 --> 00:28:32,250 Even the patient's a doctor here. 748 00:28:32,330 --> 00:28:33,370 Hear, hear. 749 00:28:34,200 --> 00:28:36,410 Will you clowns act like professionals? 750 00:28:36,500 --> 00:28:37,670 All right, I got one for you. 751 00:28:37,750 --> 00:28:39,590 So an airplane's about to crash, right? 752 00:28:39,670 --> 00:28:42,470 A woman stands up, takes off her clothes, and yells, 753 00:28:42,540 --> 00:28:43,670 "We're all gonna die! 754 00:28:43,750 --> 00:28:45,540 Someone make me feel like a real woman!" 755 00:28:45,630 --> 00:28:47,510 The guy sitting next to her takes off his shirt, 756 00:28:47,590 --> 00:28:49,470 and he says, "Here, iron this." 757 00:28:49,550 --> 00:28:51,800 Right? 758 00:28:51,890 --> 00:28:53,810 Yeah, right. That's a good one. 759 00:28:53,890 --> 00:28:56,310 Yeah, see, that's how it's gonna be down here. 760 00:28:56,390 --> 00:28:59,140 Just you and me and jokes about chicks doing chores. 761 00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:00,810 Matty? 762 00:29:00,900 --> 00:29:03,490 Oh, boy, here comes Raggedy Lesbi-Ann. 763 00:29:03,570 --> 00:29:06,620 Dennis, I'd like to talk to my uncle. 764 00:29:06,690 --> 00:29:07,820 Can you give us a second? 765 00:29:07,900 --> 00:29:09,650 Hey, anything you want to say to me, 766 00:29:09,740 --> 00:29:11,370 you can say in front of Dennis here. 767 00:29:12,030 --> 00:29:13,990 Fine. 768 00:29:15,330 --> 00:29:19,580 Look, I don't expect us to agree on politics, all right? 769 00:29:19,790 --> 00:29:21,830 That's just never gonna happen. 770 00:29:22,630 --> 00:29:24,470 But this isn't about politics. 771 00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:26,420 This is about who I am. 772 00:29:29,880 --> 00:29:30,970 Matty... 773 00:29:31,930 --> 00:29:34,680 like it or not, we're family. 774 00:29:35,010 --> 00:29:36,180 I don't talk to my parents anymore, 775 00:29:36,270 --> 00:29:38,690 so you and Aunt Suze are all I've got. 776 00:29:39,020 --> 00:29:40,400 I don't want to lose you too. 777 00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:43,440 I'm your niece, and I just... 778 00:29:45,570 --> 00:29:49,070 I... I just think it's really fucking shitty 779 00:29:49,150 --> 00:29:52,150 and unfair that you can't accept me for who I am. 780 00:29:52,860 --> 00:29:55,950 Hey, it's Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve. 781 00:29:57,370 --> 00:29:58,960 So all the fucked-up things that he says, 782 00:29:59,040 --> 00:30:01,290 is that really what you think too? 783 00:30:02,830 --> 00:30:05,210 Don't back down, Matty. This is your house. 784 00:30:08,130 --> 00:30:09,630 Well, then I guess you're an intolerant prick, 785 00:30:09,720 --> 00:30:10,720 just like he is. 786 00:30:12,340 --> 00:30:13,800 Have a good Christmas with truck Hitler. 787 00:30:13,890 --> 00:30:15,140 I'm out of here. 788 00:30:19,220 --> 00:30:20,680 Jesus, they always bring up Hitler 789 00:30:20,770 --> 00:30:22,270 when they're losing an argument. 790 00:30:22,850 --> 00:30:24,940 And by the way, not everything he did was... 791 00:30:25,020 --> 00:30:26,690 I need another beer. 792 00:30:27,440 --> 00:30:28,820 Why didn't you tell her off? 793 00:30:29,230 --> 00:30:30,820 What the hell was I supposed to say? 794 00:30:30,900 --> 00:30:32,990 You remind her who pays the bills around here. 795 00:30:33,070 --> 00:30:35,360 You tell her to stop giving God the finger. 796 00:30:35,450 --> 00:30:36,910 Ah. You don't know nothing. 797 00:30:37,330 --> 00:30:38,410 Oh, no shit? 798 00:30:38,740 --> 00:30:40,700 Well, now I see why Johnny's the way he is. 799 00:30:41,200 --> 00:30:42,290 What do you mean? 800 00:30:42,370 --> 00:30:43,660 Your son is 16. 801 00:30:43,750 --> 00:30:45,670 He ain't got a girlfriend. He doesn't play sports. 802 00:30:45,750 --> 00:30:47,750 He spends all of his time in his room with a teddy bear 803 00:30:47,840 --> 00:30:49,220 doing fuck knows what. 804 00:30:49,300 --> 00:30:50,800 For all you know, he's minty. 805 00:30:51,210 --> 00:30:52,250 Minty? 806 00:30:52,340 --> 00:30:53,380 What the fuck is minty? 807 00:30:53,470 --> 00:30:55,680 You know, he's trimming the crust off the bread. 808 00:30:55,930 --> 00:30:56,930 What? 809 00:30:57,010 --> 00:30:58,010 He's raking his leaves at night. 810 00:30:58,100 --> 00:30:59,770 He ain't throwing away all his peach pits, 811 00:30:59,850 --> 00:31:01,140 if you know what I'm saying. 812 00:31:01,220 --> 00:31:02,260 I don't have a fucking clue. 813 00:31:02,350 --> 00:31:04,600 He's picking his eggshells out of the compost. 814 00:31:04,690 --> 00:31:05,820 Come on, you know what I mean. 815 00:31:05,900 --> 00:31:07,280 Your kid's a cheese puncher. 816 00:31:07,360 --> 00:31:10,240 Hey, don't talk to me about my son, you asshole! 817 00:31:10,320 --> 00:31:12,160 Whoa, whoa, hey, hey, I'm the only one in this house 818 00:31:12,240 --> 00:31:13,700 who doesn't lie to you. 819 00:31:21,290 --> 00:31:22,500 I know what I'm gonna do. 820 00:31:22,580 --> 00:31:23,580 Great. Let's go. 821 00:31:23,710 --> 00:31:24,750 You stay here. 822 00:31:28,540 --> 00:31:31,000 Hey, can you change the channel to the game? 823 00:31:34,470 --> 00:31:35,680 Ah, look at this. 824 00:31:36,180 --> 00:31:37,310 Fucking Clinton. 825 00:31:39,930 --> 00:31:41,640 You guys in separate beds? 826 00:31:42,020 --> 00:31:43,020 Yeah. 827 00:31:43,100 --> 00:31:44,230 Good. 828 00:32:29,400 --> 00:32:30,530 What? 829 00:32:35,820 --> 00:32:37,530 I grew up different. 830 00:32:41,740 --> 00:32:42,950 I'm... 831 00:32:43,540 --> 00:32:45,670 but I'm not one of those guys. 832 00:32:48,040 --> 00:32:51,790 I mean, I don't understand how you can do what you do... 833 00:32:51,880 --> 00:32:54,300 Okay. But... but... but... 834 00:32:59,800 --> 00:33:03,430 I don't want you to feel unwelcome in my house. 835 00:33:05,430 --> 00:33:06,600 Uh-huh. 836 00:33:09,350 --> 00:33:10,940 I'm not great with this stuff. 837 00:33:12,520 --> 00:33:13,810 But... 838 00:33:15,860 --> 00:33:17,150 It's good that you're here... 839 00:33:18,320 --> 00:33:19,320 for John. 840 00:33:20,740 --> 00:33:21,820 Sure. 841 00:33:24,200 --> 00:33:27,120 The other day, I farted, and he said it was pungent. 842 00:33:28,500 --> 00:33:30,290 And I guess that's a word. 843 00:33:31,500 --> 00:33:33,670 So he's learning stuff 844 00:33:34,500 --> 00:33:36,000 with you around. 845 00:33:41,720 --> 00:33:44,100 And Christmas is just a whole thing for Susan too. 846 00:33:44,180 --> 00:33:46,220 So yeah, she wants you here. 847 00:33:54,610 --> 00:33:55,900 And I... 848 00:33:56,860 --> 00:33:58,360 I don't want to be a shitty uncle. 849 00:33:59,690 --> 00:34:00,940 I'm sorry. 850 00:34:09,910 --> 00:34:12,410 I'm not the only one you disrespected. 851 00:34:18,380 --> 00:34:20,130 Sarah... 852 00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:22,550 you're invited to Christmas. 853 00:34:24,340 --> 00:34:26,470 And I'm sorry that I called you a terrorist. 854 00:34:27,510 --> 00:34:30,300 You... you never called me that. 855 00:34:31,180 --> 00:34:32,770 Oh, that's right. You were out of the room. 856 00:34:34,980 --> 00:34:36,440 Well, what about Dennis? 857 00:34:43,030 --> 00:34:44,610 I guess he's got to go. 858 00:34:48,080 --> 00:34:49,500 Son of a bitch. 859 00:34:56,460 --> 00:34:57,460 Hey. 860 00:34:57,540 --> 00:34:58,750 Dennis? 861 00:35:04,760 --> 00:35:06,180 I'm the one you're gonna get rid of, 862 00:35:06,260 --> 00:35:07,640 you piece-of-shit fuck face? 863 00:35:07,720 --> 00:35:10,720 Jesus, what the fuck are you trying to do, kill me? 864 00:35:10,810 --> 00:35:13,650 I come to life for you, and this is the thanks I get? 865 00:35:13,730 --> 00:35:14,770 Huh? 866 00:35:14,850 --> 00:35:16,600 What have you got to say for yourself? 867 00:35:17,270 --> 00:35:18,940 I don't want to kick you out, Dennis, 868 00:35:19,020 --> 00:35:20,310 but my family comes first! 869 00:35:20,400 --> 00:35:22,030 Oh, come the fuck on. 870 00:35:23,490 --> 00:35:25,410 It ain't worked out with you the way I thought it would. 871 00:35:25,490 --> 00:35:28,370 I backed you up every time, just like you wanted. 872 00:35:28,450 --> 00:35:30,910 I didn't want to make my niece cry, for God's sakes. 873 00:35:30,990 --> 00:35:32,280 Why you got to be such a prick? 874 00:35:32,370 --> 00:35:33,960 Oh, what, so now you're on her side? 875 00:35:34,040 --> 00:35:35,540 I'm not on anybody's side. 876 00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:39,330 But... she's not hurting anybody, God damn it. 877 00:35:39,420 --> 00:35:40,880 It's hurting society. 878 00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:43,880 This is why Kennedy blew his own brains out in Dallas. 879 00:35:44,380 --> 00:35:45,380 What the fuck? 880 00:35:45,470 --> 00:35:46,510 Oh, don't be naive. 881 00:35:46,590 --> 00:35:47,630 What the hell is your problem? 882 00:35:47,720 --> 00:35:49,470 Oh, oh, I'm the one with the problem? 883 00:35:49,550 --> 00:35:51,550 Yeah. Why the fuck are you digging in like this? 884 00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:53,350 I want to know. You want to know why, Matty? 885 00:35:53,430 --> 00:35:54,640 Yeah. You want to know why? 886 00:35:54,730 --> 00:35:55,730 Why? 887 00:35:55,810 --> 00:35:57,400 Because I have thoughts of men! 888 00:36:04,690 --> 00:36:05,780 What? 889 00:36:05,860 --> 00:36:08,280 I have thoughts of men. 890 00:36:09,570 --> 00:36:11,070 Sexual thoughts. 891 00:36:11,910 --> 00:36:13,240 I want to do to men 892 00:36:14,410 --> 00:36:16,250 what you want to do to women. 893 00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:21,290 You're saying... I'm gay, Matty. 894 00:36:22,420 --> 00:36:23,590 I'm gay. 895 00:36:26,090 --> 00:36:27,220 Oh. 896 00:36:27,300 --> 00:36:29,430 God, I... 897 00:36:29,510 --> 00:36:31,510 I can't believe I just said it. 898 00:36:32,600 --> 00:36:34,480 Uh... Ah, shit! 899 00:36:35,180 --> 00:36:37,260 What the fuck have I been doing? 900 00:36:37,350 --> 00:36:39,980 I've wasted my whole goddamn life, 901 00:36:40,400 --> 00:36:43,240 three days down the drain, 902 00:36:43,650 --> 00:36:46,150 and I've never allowed myself to love. 903 00:36:47,950 --> 00:36:49,740 Well, I mean... 904 00:36:49,820 --> 00:36:50,820 You could always... 905 00:36:50,910 --> 00:36:52,120 Ah, it's too late now. 906 00:36:52,490 --> 00:36:54,080 I'm old and I'm rusty. 907 00:36:54,660 --> 00:36:56,580 I don't know what to do, Matty. 908 00:36:56,660 --> 00:37:00,160 I don't know what to do or who to be or how to be it. 909 00:37:04,550 --> 00:37:06,220 Oh, God. 910 00:37:08,170 --> 00:37:09,300 When I was a kid... 911 00:37:11,390 --> 00:37:12,680 You were always there for me. 912 00:37:15,310 --> 00:37:16,650 Well, I'm gonna be there for you. 913 00:37:32,870 --> 00:37:34,370 I love you, pal. 914 00:37:45,630 --> 00:37:47,130 So I guess this is it. 915 00:37:47,510 --> 00:37:48,680 Yeah. 916 00:37:49,220 --> 00:37:50,510 Thanks, Dennis. 917 00:37:50,590 --> 00:37:51,720 For what? 918 00:37:52,390 --> 00:37:54,430 All those years growing up. 919 00:37:55,850 --> 00:37:57,480 Mom and Dad fighting in the other room. 920 00:37:57,560 --> 00:37:59,770 Hell, fighting in the same room. 921 00:38:01,310 --> 00:38:03,600 Playing with you was what got me through it. 922 00:38:03,690 --> 00:38:04,730 Nuh-uh. 923 00:38:04,810 --> 00:38:07,610 Thank you, Matty, for being who you are. 924 00:38:07,690 --> 00:38:09,520 I don't think there's a more tolerant man 925 00:38:09,610 --> 00:38:11,490 in the greater Boston area. 926 00:38:11,820 --> 00:38:13,450 That's probably true. 927 00:38:13,530 --> 00:38:15,530 You sure you don't want a sweater, Dennis? 928 00:38:15,620 --> 00:38:17,580 No, no. I work hard on my body. 929 00:38:17,660 --> 00:38:19,040 I want everyone to see it. 930 00:38:19,120 --> 00:38:20,410 So where you gonna go? 931 00:38:20,500 --> 00:38:21,710 I'm going to P-Town. 932 00:38:21,790 --> 00:38:23,330 Got a lot of catching up to do. 933 00:38:23,420 --> 00:38:26,010 Gonna be wild, nonstop sucking, fucking, 934 00:38:26,080 --> 00:38:27,500 and trucking for this guy. 935 00:38:28,800 --> 00:38:29,970 Goodbye, Bennetts. 936 00:38:48,320 --> 00:38:50,410 Well, I Jesus-ed the shit out of that one. 937 00:38:50,530 --> 00:38:51,530 You? 938 00:38:51,950 --> 00:38:52,990 You didn't do anything. 939 00:38:53,070 --> 00:38:54,950 Eh, I worked in mysterious ways. 940 00:38:55,070 --> 00:38:56,200 How? 941 00:38:56,280 --> 00:38:58,160 Where there was only one set of footprints, 942 00:38:58,240 --> 00:38:59,530 that's where I carried you. 943 00:38:59,620 --> 00:39:01,870 You watched 18 hours of TV yesterday. 944 00:39:01,960 --> 00:39:02,960 You barely moved. 945 00:39:03,040 --> 00:39:05,290 When it most appears I'm not Jesus, 946 00:39:05,380 --> 00:39:06,800 that's when you need faith. 947 00:39:06,880 --> 00:39:09,300 Ted, you do know what happened to Jesus, right? 948 00:39:09,380 --> 00:39:11,260 Yeah, he gave back the Gobstopper, 949 00:39:11,340 --> 00:39:12,760 and they gave him the chocolate factory. 950 00:39:12,840 --> 00:39:13,920 I mean, I think that's what happened. 951 00:39:14,010 --> 00:39:15,680 I'm reading, like, two books at once. 952 00:39:15,760 --> 00:39:18,260 They nailed him to the cross and crucified him for our sins. 953 00:39:18,390 --> 00:39:19,390 Wait, what? 954 00:39:19,470 --> 00:39:20,600 It was so nice of him 955 00:39:20,680 --> 00:39:23,180 to let them do that for us, wasn't it? 956 00:39:23,270 --> 00:39:25,270 They killed him? Yeah. 957 00:39:25,350 --> 00:39:27,190 Oh, shit. Yeah, fuck that. I'm out. 958 00:39:27,810 --> 00:39:28,980 Wait, maybe I'm Buddha. 959 00:39:29,070 --> 00:39:30,700 Buddha was lazy, right? 960 00:39:32,280 --> 00:39:34,120 This is a lot of good shit. 961 00:39:34,740 --> 00:39:35,950 Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad. 962 00:39:36,030 --> 00:39:37,700 Oh, you're welcome, John-John. 963 00:39:37,780 --> 00:39:39,120 Hey, thanks for this, Johnny. 964 00:39:39,200 --> 00:39:40,410 I been wanting a Talkboy. 965 00:39:40,490 --> 00:39:42,990 Now I can record all my thoughts. 966 00:39:43,250 --> 00:39:44,290 Douche. 967 00:39:45,080 --> 00:39:46,160 Douche. 968 00:39:46,250 --> 00:39:47,500 Now I won't forget. 969 00:39:47,830 --> 00:39:50,210 Blaire, open that one up. That one's from me. 970 00:39:54,380 --> 00:39:55,760 Gingerly. 971 00:40:00,970 --> 00:40:02,760 Oh... wow. 972 00:40:02,850 --> 00:40:04,480 I know how much you girls love 973 00:40:04,560 --> 00:40:07,940 those Beverly Hills 90210 boys. 974 00:40:08,020 --> 00:40:09,860 Ian Ziering. 975 00:40:10,360 --> 00:40:11,570 Thank you. 976 00:40:11,650 --> 00:40:12,740 It's for your room. 977 00:40:12,820 --> 00:40:14,650 Yeah, no, I know what it's for. 978 00:40:15,030 --> 00:40:16,410 Thank you, Aunt Suze. 979 00:40:16,490 --> 00:40:18,160 Should we go hang it up right now? 980 00:40:18,530 --> 00:40:20,320 Oh, you know what? 981 00:40:20,780 --> 00:40:22,030 I want to think really hard 982 00:40:22,120 --> 00:40:23,660 about where I want to put it, you know? 983 00:40:23,750 --> 00:40:25,130 Okay. It's just too special, so... 984 00:40:25,200 --> 00:40:26,490 All right. 985 00:40:27,210 --> 00:40:28,300 You happy, Susan? 986 00:40:28,370 --> 00:40:30,160 Oh, Matty, I'm so happy. I love it. 987 00:40:30,250 --> 00:40:33,340 Yeah, they said this one had the most sucking power. 988 00:40:33,420 --> 00:40:35,510 I'm sure it sucks wonderfully. 989 00:40:37,680 --> 00:40:39,470 Oh, you know what? 990 00:40:39,800 --> 00:40:41,050 I almost forgot. 991 00:40:42,100 --> 00:40:43,100 There's one more. 992 00:40:54,110 --> 00:40:55,490 Merry Christmas, Susan. 993 00:41:14,090 --> 00:41:16,720 A karaoke machine! 994 00:41:17,050 --> 00:41:19,590 Yeah, I figured you could sing... 995 00:41:20,890 --> 00:41:22,810 you know, your solo. 996 00:41:25,140 --> 00:41:27,560 I love you so much. 997 00:41:27,640 --> 00:41:30,690 Oh, honey, thank you. 998 00:41:31,190 --> 00:41:32,400 Oh. 999 00:41:41,530 --> 00:41:45,530 Silent night 1000 00:41:45,910 --> 00:41:49,250 Holy night 1001 00:41:50,500 --> 00:41:53,840 All is calm 1002 00:41:54,880 --> 00:41:58,050 All is bright 1003 00:41:59,340 --> 00:42:03,550 Round yon virgin 1004 00:42:03,640 --> 00:42:07,140 Mother and child 1005 00:42:08,520 --> 00:42:11,770 Holy infant 1006 00:42:11,850 --> 00:42:16,350 So tender and mild 1007 00:42:17,480 --> 00:42:21,610 Sleep in heavenly 1008 00:42:21,700 --> 00:42:25,910 Peace 1009 00:42:26,580 --> 00:42:27,710 Sleep 1010 00:42:27,790 --> 00:42:33,800 In heavenly peace 1011 00:42:37,710 --> 00:42:41,960 Oh, you've got a headful of someone dreadful 1012 00:42:42,050 --> 00:42:45,220 And yet, alas, that someone adores you 1013 00:42:46,890 --> 00:42:50,520 Everybody needs a best friend 1014 00:42:50,600 --> 00:42:53,270 I'm happy I'm yours 1015 00:42:53,350 --> 00:42:56,560 I'm just a clown 1016 00:42:56,980 --> 00:42:59,980 And I'll bring you down 1017 00:43:00,360 --> 00:43:06,280 But you just don't care 'cause your 1018 00:43:06,370 --> 00:43:08,120 Best friend is me