1 00:00:07,720 --> 00:00:11,180 My words are lazy, my thoughts are hazy 2 00:00:11,270 --> 00:00:14,310 But this is one thing I'm sure of 3 00:00:14,390 --> 00:00:18,020 Everybody needs a best friend 4 00:00:18,110 --> 00:00:20,990 I'm happy I'm yours 5 00:00:22,820 --> 00:00:26,530 Night and party every day 6 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:34,830 Thanks, buddy. 7 00:00:34,910 --> 00:00:37,870 You know, I used to think the words to this song were, 8 00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:41,720 "I want to rock and roll all night and part of every day." 9 00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:43,760 Like-like, they're only going to rock and roll 10 00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:47,140 for, like, a portion of the day and also take time out 11 00:00:47,220 --> 00:00:49,010 for things like meals and, you know, 12 00:00:49,090 --> 00:00:50,680 time with family and children. 13 00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:52,550 There's a lot going on with this song, man. 14 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:55,060 This is a rock and roll song about wanting 15 00:00:55,140 --> 00:00:57,810 to enjoy a rock and roll song. 16 00:00:57,900 --> 00:01:00,070 Does that actually make it a rock and roll song? 17 00:01:00,150 --> 00:01:01,490 You know what, I'll do you one better. 18 00:01:01,570 --> 00:01:03,070 Ready to get mind fucked? Give it to me. 19 00:01:03,150 --> 00:01:07,990 The song the Monster Mash is a song about a dance called 20 00:01:08,070 --> 00:01:09,910 the Monster Mash, which is based 21 00:01:09,990 --> 00:01:13,870 on a song called the Monster Mash, which is not 22 00:01:13,950 --> 00:01:15,910 the song the Monster Mash. 23 00:01:16,330 --> 00:01:17,870 Holy shit. Yeah. 24 00:01:19,330 --> 00:01:20,920 I don't want to be high anymore. 25 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:24,460 Well, kids make all kinds of messes, don't they? 26 00:01:24,550 --> 00:01:27,260 One time when he was eight, John stole 27 00:01:27,340 --> 00:01:29,180 a hot dog from the store. 28 00:01:29,260 --> 00:01:30,510 He put it in his pocket. 29 00:01:30,590 --> 00:01:32,630 And it went through the wash. 30 00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:34,470 No. 31 00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:36,770 It came out in one piece. 32 00:01:36,850 --> 00:01:38,690 Isn't that amazing? 33 00:01:38,770 --> 00:01:41,810 Oh, God was smiling on us that day. 34 00:01:45,110 --> 00:01:46,650 Oh, for Christ's sakes. 35 00:01:47,150 --> 00:01:48,610 Susan! 36 00:01:48,700 --> 00:01:50,160 Holy shit. 37 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:51,660 Did we die? 38 00:01:51,740 --> 00:01:53,580 Yeah, I think... 39 00:01:53,660 --> 00:01:55,120 I think we died. 40 00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:57,040 I'm sorry, Matty. 41 00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:58,410 I plugged in the eggbeater. 42 00:01:58,500 --> 00:02:00,000 Why are you using the eggbeater 43 00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:01,160 when I'm watching Star Search? 44 00:02:01,250 --> 00:02:02,790 I was making us brownies. 45 00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:04,840 Now I'm not going to know who the new stars are going to be. 46 00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:06,300 Well, I don't have to finish them. 47 00:02:06,380 --> 00:02:07,840 I'll just throw the batter out. 48 00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:10,010 Well, if you already started them, 49 00:02:10,090 --> 00:02:11,680 you might as well finish them. 50 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:13,100 Okay. 51 00:02:14,050 --> 00:02:16,100 I gotta go reset the breaker. 52 00:02:16,180 --> 00:02:17,970 Out of my way, Johnny. 53 00:02:18,060 --> 00:02:19,400 Oh, my God. 54 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:21,860 They can see us. We must still be alive. 55 00:02:21,940 --> 00:02:24,070 Oh, wow, a second chance. 56 00:02:24,150 --> 00:02:25,860 Okay, this time, you be the cute one, and I'll be the hot one. 57 00:02:25,940 --> 00:02:27,480 Okay. 58 00:02:47,250 --> 00:02:48,460 Breaker is busted. 59 00:02:48,550 --> 00:02:49,800 Oh, man. Really? 60 00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:51,090 Matty, is it all right? 61 00:02:51,170 --> 00:02:52,550 Oh, breaker is shot to hell. 62 00:02:52,630 --> 00:02:53,800 I'll have to call the guy in the morning. 63 00:02:53,890 --> 00:02:56,020 So we don't have power till tomorrow? 64 00:02:56,100 --> 00:02:57,270 Yes, Susan. 65 00:02:57,350 --> 00:02:58,890 That's what a busted breaker means. 66 00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:01,430 Well, this isn't so bad. 67 00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:05,150 We could light some candles, play some games, 68 00:03:05,230 --> 00:03:08,280 maybe read aloud to each other from our favorite books. 69 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:10,360 Or we could take a Sharpie and circle 70 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:11,940 the parts on each other's bodies 71 00:03:12,030 --> 00:03:13,490 we think need improvement. 72 00:03:13,570 --> 00:03:14,570 That sounds more fun. 73 00:03:14,700 --> 00:03:16,040 Shut up, you guys. 74 00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:17,410 Sus, yes. 75 00:03:17,490 --> 00:03:18,660 That sounds like a great idea. 76 00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:20,030 Let's go find the games. Okay. 77 00:03:22,620 --> 00:03:24,200 Be careful, Blaire. 78 00:03:24,290 --> 00:03:26,210 There's a gun down here somewhere. 79 00:03:26,290 --> 00:03:28,040 But I don't remember where it is. 80 00:03:28,130 --> 00:03:29,920 That's comforting. 81 00:03:30,010 --> 00:03:31,390 Let's see now. 82 00:03:31,460 --> 00:03:36,130 I think there's a Trivial Pursuit in one of these boxes. 83 00:03:36,220 --> 00:03:37,850 Why is the floor wet? 84 00:03:37,930 --> 00:03:40,640 I know, we're supposed to get that fixed. 85 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:42,310 But I like to come down here during the summer 86 00:03:42,390 --> 00:03:43,980 and cool my feet. 87 00:03:46,940 --> 00:03:50,030 Oh, my gosh. 88 00:03:50,110 --> 00:03:51,650 Oh, sweetie. 89 00:03:57,700 --> 00:03:59,870 Hey, all right. Hey, there we go. 90 00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:02,910 Box was working just fine. 91 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:04,590 Well, it wasn't when I was down there. 92 00:04:04,670 --> 00:04:06,920 I don't know what to tell you. It's okay, honey. 93 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:08,790 We know you were scared of the spider. 94 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:11,300 What the fuck are you talking about? 95 00:04:11,380 --> 00:04:13,260 There was a spider on the box. 96 00:04:13,340 --> 00:04:15,590 He's always been scared of the spiders. 97 00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:17,430 Wait, you were just going to fucking let us sit here 98 00:04:17,510 --> 00:04:19,260 and read aloud from books? 99 00:04:19,350 --> 00:04:20,810 Screw all of you. 100 00:04:20,890 --> 00:04:22,470 Matty, why? 101 00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:24,730 I'm not scared of the goddamn spider, Susan. 102 00:04:24,810 --> 00:04:26,600 The breaker wasn't working. 103 00:04:26,690 --> 00:04:28,020 I'm going down to Trammell's. 104 00:04:28,110 --> 00:04:31,610 And he pulls the fucking ripcord, just like always. 105 00:04:31,900 --> 00:04:33,490 What the hell is that supposed to mean? 106 00:04:33,570 --> 00:04:35,450 Any time you're losing an argument, you leave. 107 00:04:35,530 --> 00:04:36,610 You just walk out the door. 108 00:04:36,700 --> 00:04:38,490 Matty, honey. You can't leave. 109 00:04:38,570 --> 00:04:40,320 You haven't made stool yet today. 110 00:04:40,410 --> 00:04:41,830 Jesus Christ, Susan. 111 00:04:41,910 --> 00:04:44,040 Well, the doctor says if it's been more than two days, 112 00:04:44,120 --> 00:04:45,200 you need to call him. 113 00:04:45,290 --> 00:04:47,460 I did it yesterday. It was a good one. 114 00:04:47,540 --> 00:04:49,920 Like a mother hen crowing over her egg. 115 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:51,380 You all watch this. 116 00:04:51,460 --> 00:04:53,960 When he comes back, everyone's going to apologize to him 117 00:04:54,050 --> 00:04:55,720 because he's manipulating the circumstances to make it 118 00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:57,430 seem like he's the victim. 119 00:04:57,510 --> 00:04:58,930 I'm sorry. 120 00:04:59,010 --> 00:05:00,180 I shouldn't have told them about the spiders. 121 00:05:00,260 --> 00:05:01,430 No, see? I'm so sorry. 122 00:05:01,510 --> 00:05:02,590 This is what I'm talking about, okay? 123 00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:03,970 He's the one acting like a whining baby. 124 00:05:04,060 --> 00:05:05,400 He should be apologizing to you. 125 00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:07,230 I shouldn't have embarrassed him, okay? 126 00:05:07,310 --> 00:05:09,480 I think it's cute that you're scared of the spider. 127 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:11,270 I'm not scared of spiders! 128 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:12,820 God, this is so fucked. 129 00:05:12,900 --> 00:05:15,190 This is just classic dysfunctional, fucked up, 130 00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:16,360 white trash marriage. 131 00:05:16,450 --> 00:05:18,330 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What? 132 00:05:18,410 --> 00:05:19,660 What do you mean, what? 133 00:05:19,740 --> 00:05:20,910 Your wife is trying to engage with you. 134 00:05:20,990 --> 00:05:22,580 And you're dismissing her like an asshole. 135 00:05:22,660 --> 00:05:24,370 And you do it all the time. 136 00:05:24,450 --> 00:05:26,240 Susan, am I an asshole? 137 00:05:26,330 --> 00:05:28,170 Oh, of course not, Matty. 138 00:05:28,250 --> 00:05:29,250 You're a veteran. 139 00:05:29,420 --> 00:05:31,920 See? You think they'd send an asshole to Vietnam? 140 00:05:32,380 --> 00:05:34,670 Weren't you dishonorably discharged? 141 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:37,600 No, I wasn't dishonorably discharged 142 00:05:37,670 --> 00:05:39,300 or honorably discharged. 143 00:05:39,380 --> 00:05:40,760 How the hell does that work? 144 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:42,220 Just exactly like I just said. 145 00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:44,340 So the army basically said, it's not you. 146 00:05:44,430 --> 00:05:45,680 It's us. That's right. 147 00:05:45,770 --> 00:05:47,150 We're not sure we're ready to have anybody 148 00:05:47,230 --> 00:05:48,230 in the army right now. 149 00:05:48,350 --> 00:05:49,560 More or less. 150 00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:51,180 The army just wants to focus on the army for a while. 151 00:05:51,270 --> 00:05:52,690 See? He gets it. 152 00:05:52,770 --> 00:05:54,980 Aunt Sus, he is so fucking disrespectful to you. 153 00:05:55,070 --> 00:05:56,660 And you never stick up for yourself. 154 00:05:56,740 --> 00:05:58,910 I swear to God, you guys need marriage counseling. 155 00:05:58,990 --> 00:06:00,280 Oh, fuck that. 156 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,530 What's the matter? Are you scared of therapy too? 157 00:06:02,620 --> 00:06:04,870 Oh, shit. Oh, it's on, fuckers. 158 00:06:04,950 --> 00:06:07,370 I'm not going to pay some shrink 80 bucks to sit there 159 00:06:07,450 --> 00:06:09,240 and show me inkblots that all look like priests 160 00:06:09,330 --> 00:06:10,500 with their dicks out. 161 00:06:11,170 --> 00:06:15,050 Well, I think that's already progress. 162 00:06:15,130 --> 00:06:16,220 Huh? 163 00:06:16,300 --> 00:06:17,840 Look, I have a proposal. 164 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:19,420 I've saved up a little money 165 00:06:19,510 --> 00:06:21,180 working extra shifts at the coffee shop. 166 00:06:21,260 --> 00:06:23,640 As my Christmas gift to you and Susan this year, 167 00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:25,810 I will pay for one marriage counseling session. 168 00:06:25,890 --> 00:06:27,270 All you got to do is show up. 169 00:06:27,350 --> 00:06:30,060 Oh, Matty, can we? 170 00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:31,520 Jesus, Susan. 171 00:06:32,350 --> 00:06:33,770 What will we even talk about? 172 00:06:33,860 --> 00:06:36,610 Oh, we can talk about how much we love each other. 173 00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:40,370 Okay. You know what? 174 00:06:40,450 --> 00:06:41,830 Fine. 175 00:06:41,910 --> 00:06:43,750 We'll go, just to show you that you're full of shit, 176 00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:45,780 and Susan and I have a great marriage. 177 00:06:45,870 --> 00:06:47,790 In fact, you know what, let's go right now. 178 00:06:47,870 --> 00:06:50,080 It's not open at 9:00 p.m. 179 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:52,080 Oh. 180 00:06:52,170 --> 00:06:53,880 And the bullshit begins. 181 00:07:03,260 --> 00:07:05,680 Now, of course, the most well known singularity 182 00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:08,430 in Frost poem is the repetition of, 183 00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:09,980 "And miles to go before I sleep," 184 00:07:10,060 --> 00:07:12,770 which refers not to literal sleep but to death 185 00:07:12,850 --> 00:07:14,390 and the overwhelming... 186 00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,230 Is there something you'd like to share 187 00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:19,740 with the class, Miss Lyons? 188 00:07:19,820 --> 00:07:22,990 We were just wondering if your pants are big enough. 189 00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:25,700 Excuse me? 190 00:07:25,780 --> 00:07:27,450 It just seems like there's a little fashion 191 00:07:27,530 --> 00:07:29,030 emergency going on. 192 00:07:29,290 --> 00:07:31,580 Did you get your pants from the lost and found? 193 00:07:34,750 --> 00:07:37,550 Yeah, these pants are a little big. 194 00:07:37,630 --> 00:07:39,630 They were my dad's. 195 00:07:39,710 --> 00:07:42,300 Why am I wearing my dead father's pants, you ask? 196 00:07:42,970 --> 00:07:45,140 Because I've moved back in with my mother. 197 00:07:45,220 --> 00:07:48,560 My wife left me two weeks ago for a racquetball teacher. 198 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:50,560 Happy now? God, chill out. 199 00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:51,890 It was a joke. 200 00:07:51,980 --> 00:07:54,110 I'd love to chill out, Erin. 201 00:07:54,190 --> 00:07:55,650 I really would. 202 00:07:55,730 --> 00:07:57,940 But you know what, life has other plans for me. 203 00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:00,950 My wife says he makes eye contact 204 00:08:01,030 --> 00:08:02,320 with her when they make love. 205 00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:06,280 With me, it's either eye contact or an erection. 206 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:07,900 You have to choose one. 207 00:08:07,990 --> 00:08:11,790 And silly me, I thought the right choice was the erection. 208 00:08:11,870 --> 00:08:14,410 Well, I had a 50/50 shot, didn't I? 209 00:08:14,500 --> 00:08:17,300 Turns out she wants eye contact. 210 00:08:17,380 --> 00:08:19,970 And now that I've moved back in with Mother, 211 00:08:20,050 --> 00:08:23,510 I have to masturbate into the toilet because my bed squeaks. 212 00:08:23,590 --> 00:08:25,340 Of course, if you ask my ex-wife, 213 00:08:25,430 --> 00:08:29,310 the toilet is where Mr. George's sperm belongs. 214 00:08:29,390 --> 00:08:31,520 Now there's a joke, Erin. 215 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:33,770 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. 216 00:08:33,850 --> 00:08:38,770 Mr. George, can we have a talk in my office? 217 00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:44,400 Gee, I wonder what this is about. 218 00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:49,660 Um, everyone, please read pages 81 to 96. 219 00:08:49,740 --> 00:08:51,990 I'm kidding. I don't give a shit. 220 00:08:53,370 --> 00:08:56,460 I think that's enough emotional trauma for the day. 221 00:08:56,540 --> 00:08:58,420 Why don't you kids go home early? 222 00:09:01,380 --> 00:09:02,880 Man, that was insane, huh? 223 00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:04,800 Yeah. Those cheerleaders are mean. 224 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:07,630 That's... that's what you got from that? 225 00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:09,050 Well, at least we got the afternoon off. 226 00:09:09,140 --> 00:09:10,980 Street hockey? Street hockey. 227 00:09:11,050 --> 00:09:12,050 Fuck yeah. 228 00:09:12,220 --> 00:09:13,300 All right, this is it, baby. 229 00:09:13,390 --> 00:09:15,310 You're going down. Yeah, fuck you, Bobby Orr. 230 00:09:15,390 --> 00:09:16,890 Take your best shot. 231 00:09:17,560 --> 00:09:19,020 Oh! 232 00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:21,350 And Bennett chokes in the final seconds of the game. 233 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:23,230 This is an absolute disgrace. 234 00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:24,360 Ah, shit. 235 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:25,900 Look at the disappointed faces on all 236 00:09:25,990 --> 00:09:28,160 these Make-A-Wish kids who only wanted 237 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:29,530 to see a Bruins victory. 238 00:09:29,610 --> 00:09:30,740 Teddy... 239 00:09:30,820 --> 00:09:32,200 This is a stunning upset fueling 240 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,570 an anger the fans will no doubt take out on their wives. 241 00:09:34,660 --> 00:09:36,580 And I got to say, Don... Shut the fuck up, all right? 242 00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:38,160 I got to ask you something. What? 243 00:09:39,580 --> 00:09:41,710 Do you think Blaire is right? 244 00:09:41,790 --> 00:09:43,920 Like, do my parents have a fucked up marriage? 245 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,460 Well, that's one of those tough to answer questions, 246 00:09:46,550 --> 00:09:49,680 Johnny, like where did you find Teddy bear sized hockey gear? 247 00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:50,930 I just don't know. 248 00:09:51,220 --> 00:09:52,930 And if they are having problems, 249 00:09:53,010 --> 00:09:54,550 is any of it my fault? 250 00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:55,810 I mean, what can I do? 251 00:09:55,890 --> 00:09:57,270 Well, I'm just brainstorming. 252 00:09:57,350 --> 00:09:59,310 But it seems like, maybe, hurting yourself 253 00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:00,430 could teach him a lesson. 254 00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:02,270 Gee, I never thought of that. 255 00:10:02,350 --> 00:10:03,770 Then I'd be in charge of the pain. 256 00:10:03,860 --> 00:10:05,950 Exactly. Only I know what I deserve. 257 00:10:06,030 --> 00:10:07,780 And I'd give myself just that much. 258 00:10:07,860 --> 00:10:09,030 Yeah, you know, I'm just now starting 259 00:10:09,110 --> 00:10:10,450 to see some cracks in this. 260 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:21,840 Hey, how'd it go? 261 00:10:26,590 --> 00:10:28,130 I paid 80 bucks for that session, 262 00:10:28,210 --> 00:10:29,710 and you just fucking walked out? 263 00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:31,760 That quack had it in for me the second 264 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:33,090 I walked in that door. 265 00:10:33,180 --> 00:10:34,510 You know what he said? You know what he said? 266 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:35,640 He said I'm selfish. 267 00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:36,890 Oh, shocker. 268 00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:38,310 Yeah, he said, I need to compromise more. 269 00:10:38,390 --> 00:10:40,060 Can you believe that fucking shit? 270 00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:43,350 I'm working a 60-hour week just to keep a roof over our heads. 271 00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:45,230 He does work a lot. 272 00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:46,910 See? Even she gets it. 273 00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:49,150 Everything I do, I do it for you. 274 00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:51,120 Wait, so you're saying, you can't tell me 275 00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:52,950 it's not worth trying for. 276 00:10:53,030 --> 00:10:54,820 Exactly. Like, I can't help it. 277 00:10:54,910 --> 00:10:57,000 There's nothing I want more. See? 278 00:10:57,080 --> 00:10:58,290 You know it's true. 279 00:10:58,370 --> 00:10:59,370 Oh, my God. 280 00:10:59,450 --> 00:11:00,530 Shit, I can't believe he said it. 281 00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:01,700 Oh, fucking amazing. 282 00:11:01,830 --> 00:11:02,870 What? 283 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:04,210 It's Bryan Adams. 284 00:11:04,290 --> 00:11:06,080 Oh, what a treat. What a treat. 285 00:11:06,170 --> 00:11:08,050 Matty, the whole point of this was 286 00:11:08,130 --> 00:11:10,340 for you to get a neutral perspective on your marriage. 287 00:11:10,420 --> 00:11:11,760 He was not neutral. 288 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:13,010 He agreed with everything she said. 289 00:11:13,090 --> 00:11:14,470 And he took a shit on everything I said. 290 00:11:14,550 --> 00:11:16,050 So let me get this straight. 291 00:11:16,140 --> 00:11:18,180 So no one's neutral unless they agree with you all the time. 292 00:11:18,260 --> 00:11:19,260 Got it. 293 00:11:19,350 --> 00:11:20,850 The guy's a Harvard fancy pants. 294 00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:23,270 He doesn't understand regular guys. 295 00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:25,440 The bartender down at Trammell's always 296 00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:26,730 thinks I'm right. 297 00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:28,530 In fact, he just said to me last night, 298 00:11:28,610 --> 00:11:30,780 "You've made your point. You can go home now." 299 00:11:30,860 --> 00:11:33,030 Okay. So let's figure this out. 300 00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:36,320 If Dr. Feldstein's not neutral, then who would be? 301 00:11:36,410 --> 00:11:38,870 Who would you accept as a neutral arbiter? 302 00:11:38,950 --> 00:11:40,580 Someone with no fucking agenda. 303 00:11:43,330 --> 00:11:44,750 Like Ted. 304 00:11:45,460 --> 00:11:46,710 Ted? 305 00:11:46,790 --> 00:11:49,250 Yeah, he's an even guy, minds his own business. 306 00:11:49,340 --> 00:11:50,760 He's neutral. 307 00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:53,550 That's an interesting idea. 308 00:11:53,630 --> 00:11:55,720 So you'd accept Ted as a neutral arbiter? 309 00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:56,970 Absolutely. 310 00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,640 Fuck it. What do you say, Ted? 311 00:11:59,560 --> 00:12:00,850 About what? 312 00:12:00,930 --> 00:12:02,600 Sorry. I was doing these Mad Libs. 313 00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:06,730 Four score and seven cocks ago. 314 00:12:06,810 --> 00:12:08,060 That's better than the real one. 315 00:12:08,150 --> 00:12:09,570 Focus. 316 00:12:09,650 --> 00:12:11,900 Would you be willing to listen to Susan and Matty's sides 317 00:12:11,990 --> 00:12:13,830 and then make an objective judgment call? 318 00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:15,900 What do you mean, like alike a therapist? 319 00:12:15,990 --> 00:12:18,870 Not therapy, just listening. 320 00:12:18,950 --> 00:12:20,120 Oh, Blaire. 321 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,500 It's all right if he doesn't want to. 322 00:12:22,580 --> 00:12:24,040 I can just watch Oprah. 323 00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:26,500 And maybe they'll have a topic that applies to me. 324 00:12:29,500 --> 00:12:30,590 Will you do it? 325 00:12:30,670 --> 00:12:33,300 Well, in the words of Abraham Lincoln, 326 00:12:33,380 --> 00:12:37,090 a diarrhea divided against itself cannot John's wiener. 327 00:12:37,180 --> 00:12:38,850 Oh, come on, man. Don't put that. 328 00:12:38,930 --> 00:12:40,930 Okay. I'll erase it. 329 00:12:44,350 --> 00:12:46,770 You know, the suit wasn't necessary. 330 00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:47,930 Blaire, please. 331 00:12:48,020 --> 00:12:49,440 Johnny is my best friend. 332 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:50,900 He's got a stake in this. 333 00:12:50,980 --> 00:12:52,110 So if I'm doing it, I'm doing it right. 334 00:12:52,190 --> 00:12:54,690 Now let's start with the basics. 335 00:12:54,780 --> 00:12:56,490 Would you classify your marriage 336 00:12:56,570 --> 00:12:58,200 as sexually satisfying? 337 00:12:58,490 --> 00:12:59,490 What? 338 00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:01,360 How often would you say you have intercourse? 339 00:13:01,450 --> 00:13:02,870 That's none of your goddamn business. 340 00:13:02,950 --> 00:13:04,490 Look, why don't we just stick 341 00:13:04,580 --> 00:13:08,670 Every six months. Every six months. 342 00:13:08,750 --> 00:13:09,830 And what about anal? 343 00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:11,300 Dude, seriously. Jesus Christ. 344 00:13:11,380 --> 00:13:13,340 We do like the room to be clean. 345 00:13:13,420 --> 00:13:14,710 Yeah. 346 00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:16,220 She said, yes. 347 00:13:16,300 --> 00:13:17,380 Hilarious. 348 00:13:17,470 --> 00:13:19,390 Okay, now I want you to turn to each other 349 00:13:19,470 --> 00:13:21,600 and say the meanest thing you can think of. 350 00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:23,970 Ted, why don't you ask them something 351 00:13:24,060 --> 00:13:27,150 productive like how they met, 352 00:13:27,230 --> 00:13:29,610 what originally drew them to each other? 353 00:13:29,690 --> 00:13:31,320 All right. 354 00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:34,570 Matty, what originally attracted you to Susan? 355 00:13:37,740 --> 00:13:39,950 Her innocence. 356 00:13:40,370 --> 00:13:42,500 Oh, okay. 357 00:13:42,580 --> 00:13:43,580 What? 358 00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:45,490 I thought... 359 00:13:45,580 --> 00:13:47,830 I already wrote, it's... 360 00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:48,910 It's fine. 361 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:50,670 Susan. 362 00:13:50,750 --> 00:13:51,830 His heart. 363 00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:53,340 His heart. 364 00:13:53,420 --> 00:13:55,210 When Matty and I first met, 365 00:13:56,460 --> 00:13:59,260 he bought us tickets to see Simon & Garfunkel. 366 00:13:59,930 --> 00:14:01,430 It was a Friday. 367 00:14:01,510 --> 00:14:03,850 And he'd been working since 6:00 a.m. 368 00:14:03,930 --> 00:14:05,890 Poor Matty was so tired. 369 00:14:05,970 --> 00:14:07,970 Well, if there's any cure for being tired, 370 00:14:08,060 --> 00:14:09,190 it's Simon & Garfunkel. 371 00:14:09,270 --> 00:14:11,360 We'd never seen them up close. 372 00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:14,150 So when we got there, Matty realized 373 00:14:14,230 --> 00:14:16,150 that Garfunkel was a man. 374 00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:18,570 So we had to leave. Wait, why? 375 00:14:18,650 --> 00:14:20,900 Two men shouldn't be singing harmony. 376 00:14:20,990 --> 00:14:22,740 Dad, I thought you liked Hall & Oates? 377 00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:24,360 That's different. Why? 378 00:14:24,450 --> 00:14:25,790 Because they sing in unison. 379 00:14:25,870 --> 00:14:27,790 Or they take turns, one and then the other one. 380 00:14:27,870 --> 00:14:29,000 That's okay. 381 00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:30,870 What about Crosby, Stills & Nash? 382 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,210 They're all right for now. 383 00:14:32,290 --> 00:14:33,960 But I'm keeping my eye on them. 384 00:14:34,630 --> 00:14:36,220 You're a complicated man. 385 00:14:36,300 --> 00:14:38,340 I'm still waiting for the heart part. 386 00:14:38,420 --> 00:14:40,840 Well, we got in the car. 387 00:14:40,930 --> 00:14:44,100 And Matty drove home, and he got his record player. 388 00:14:44,180 --> 00:14:46,220 And he took me to Boston Common. 389 00:14:46,310 --> 00:14:49,190 And we had a picnic on the lawn while 390 00:14:49,270 --> 00:14:51,150 we listened to Sonny & Cher. 391 00:14:51,230 --> 00:14:53,400 And he bought me a rose. 392 00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:57,190 And he danced with me right there on the grass. 393 00:14:57,280 --> 00:14:59,120 You remember that? Of course I do. 394 00:14:59,190 --> 00:15:01,940 Matty, you did that? 395 00:15:02,030 --> 00:15:03,030 Yeah. 396 00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:04,570 It was beautiful. 397 00:15:04,740 --> 00:15:07,080 She was this wicked smart college girl. 398 00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:09,000 And I wanted to impress her. 399 00:15:09,830 --> 00:15:11,500 See? I'm a good guy. 400 00:15:11,580 --> 00:15:13,210 That prick fuck shrink was way off. 401 00:15:13,290 --> 00:15:14,580 So fuck everybody. 402 00:15:14,670 --> 00:15:16,260 Mom, I didn't know you went to college. 403 00:15:16,340 --> 00:15:17,880 Yeah, me neither. 404 00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:19,050 What did you study? 405 00:15:19,130 --> 00:15:21,920 Well, I was going to teach. 406 00:15:22,010 --> 00:15:23,760 You were going to be a teacher? 407 00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,260 Susan, that's amazing. 408 00:15:25,350 --> 00:15:26,680 I'd gotten my credentials. 409 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:29,850 And I was all ready to apply for a job. 410 00:15:29,930 --> 00:15:31,470 And then I got married. 411 00:15:32,730 --> 00:15:34,570 Why couldn't you do both? 412 00:15:34,650 --> 00:15:37,030 Well, it just didn't seem practical 413 00:15:37,110 --> 00:15:39,780 with the groceries and the laundry. 414 00:15:39,900 --> 00:15:42,110 Well, I mean, have you ever thought of going back to it? 415 00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:43,790 I think you'd be great. 416 00:15:43,860 --> 00:15:45,570 Oh, no, no. 417 00:15:45,660 --> 00:15:48,040 That was a long time ago. No, I couldn't. 418 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:50,620 Susan, I really think you could do this. 419 00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,660 Jesus! She said she's not interested. 420 00:15:52,750 --> 00:15:54,380 Should I make some chocolate milk? 421 00:15:54,460 --> 00:15:55,460 Oh, yeah. Chocolate milk. 422 00:15:55,540 --> 00:15:57,170 Chocolate milk. No, Susan. 423 00:15:57,380 --> 00:15:58,800 For God's sake. Therapy over. 424 00:15:58,880 --> 00:15:59,880 We're doing chocolate milk now. 425 00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:01,420 Guys, come on. 426 00:16:01,510 --> 00:16:03,470 This woman does everything for all of us in this house. 427 00:16:03,550 --> 00:16:05,430 And nobody ever does a goddamn thing for her. 428 00:16:05,510 --> 00:16:07,010 And now she's sitting here telling us 429 00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:08,230 something that's important. 430 00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:09,680 That's horse shit. I do a ton of stuff. 431 00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:10,970 You? 432 00:16:11,060 --> 00:16:12,350 What do you do for Susan? 433 00:16:12,430 --> 00:16:15,020 I pay for everything she owns and eats. 434 00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:16,560 Okay, how about we all just sit with what 435 00:16:16,650 --> 00:16:19,070 Matty just said, while Susan gets on that chocolate milk? 436 00:16:19,150 --> 00:16:20,570 I'll get that for you. 437 00:16:22,860 --> 00:16:24,900 Well, I think I just proved my point 438 00:16:24,990 --> 00:16:26,740 that this marriage is perfect. 439 00:16:28,740 --> 00:16:30,990 Yeesh, I couldn't say this in front of them. 440 00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:33,000 But they were both clearly molested. 441 00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:34,960 Guys, believe it or not, 442 00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:36,630 I think we did great. 443 00:16:36,710 --> 00:16:38,210 Really? Yeah. 444 00:16:38,290 --> 00:16:41,130 We just found out Susan has no identity outside this family. 445 00:16:41,710 --> 00:16:43,670 I mean, she's a wife. She's a mother. 446 00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:44,930 But that's it. 447 00:16:45,010 --> 00:16:46,510 She could be so much more. 448 00:16:46,590 --> 00:16:48,840 And it's so obvious that deep down, she wants to be. 449 00:16:48,930 --> 00:16:51,520 You got all that from her saying she does anal? 450 00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:53,390 Man, you should be the pretend therapist. 451 00:16:53,470 --> 00:16:54,810 I mean, I hear you, Blaire. 452 00:16:54,890 --> 00:16:56,600 But what are we supposed to do? 453 00:16:57,190 --> 00:16:58,570 I don't know yet. 454 00:16:58,650 --> 00:17:01,320 But somehow, we got to help her find her voice. 455 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:02,860 I mean, we're the only ones that can do it. 456 00:17:02,940 --> 00:17:04,190 Couldn't agree more, Blaire. 457 00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:06,740 Delusional narcissist. 458 00:17:06,820 --> 00:17:08,240 Excuse me? 459 00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:11,360 Note to self, stop saying what you write. 460 00:17:25,470 --> 00:17:27,560 God, look at her. 461 00:17:27,630 --> 00:17:29,340 She's so fucking hot. Yeah. 462 00:17:29,430 --> 00:17:30,680 Too bad she's a bitch. 463 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:32,260 I don't even care. 464 00:17:32,350 --> 00:17:34,140 She could treat me like crap. I'd still let her jerk me off. 465 00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:35,720 Oh, you should tell her, Johnny. 466 00:17:35,810 --> 00:17:37,560 I'm sure she'd love to hear it. All right, fuck you, man. 467 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,810 No, really, what a feather in her cap. 468 00:17:39,900 --> 00:17:41,740 Hey, I'm just saying, hypothetically, if she asked, 469 00:17:41,810 --> 00:17:43,100 I would say yes. 470 00:17:43,190 --> 00:17:44,570 That's what she's telling her friend right now. 471 00:17:44,650 --> 00:17:47,150 She's saying, "See that kid over there in Lee jeans? 472 00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:49,370 I want to bring him to climax. 473 00:17:49,450 --> 00:17:51,080 But will he let me?" 474 00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:52,370 Hey, guys. 475 00:17:52,450 --> 00:17:54,490 Oh, hey, Andrew. Hey, Polly. 476 00:17:54,580 --> 00:17:55,620 Did you hear what happened to Mr. George? 477 00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:57,790 No, what? He got fired. 478 00:17:57,870 --> 00:17:59,330 No shit. Why? 479 00:17:59,410 --> 00:18:00,830 They caught him in the faculty lounge 480 00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:02,250 screaming at his own dick. 481 00:18:02,340 --> 00:18:03,930 Oh, that's what that was. 482 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,250 Yeah, I heard yelling coming out of there yesterday. 483 00:18:06,340 --> 00:18:08,300 You're not going to let me fuck? 484 00:18:08,380 --> 00:18:10,380 I'm not going to let you pee! 485 00:18:11,510 --> 00:18:13,800 Well, do they have someone to replace him? 486 00:18:13,890 --> 00:18:14,930 I don't know. 487 00:18:15,010 --> 00:18:17,100 I think they're trying to find a sub. 488 00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:18,890 Teddy. What? 489 00:18:18,980 --> 00:18:21,360 They're looking for a sub. Yeah, so? 490 00:18:21,850 --> 00:18:23,100 So what about Mom? 491 00:18:23,190 --> 00:18:24,320 Susan? 492 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:26,240 Yeah. Why not? 493 00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:27,450 I mean, you remember what Blaire said, 494 00:18:27,530 --> 00:18:29,110 no one ever does anything for her. 495 00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:30,530 I mean, yeah. 496 00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:32,780 But you really want your mother teaching your class? 497 00:18:32,870 --> 00:18:34,580 I mean, you remember what happened to Todd Greene? 498 00:18:34,660 --> 00:18:36,450 He yelled goodbye to his mother. 499 00:18:36,540 --> 00:18:38,710 And now he's got to eat lunch with the janitor. 500 00:18:38,790 --> 00:18:40,080 I don't care. 501 00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:41,330 People are shitting in his desk. 502 00:18:41,410 --> 00:18:42,580 Look, Teddy. We got to at least try. 503 00:18:42,670 --> 00:18:44,210 Let's go talk to the principal. 504 00:18:47,510 --> 00:18:49,050 Well, I have to admit, 505 00:18:49,130 --> 00:18:50,720 we're in a bit of a bind here. 506 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:54,890 Does Mrs. Bennett have any prior teaching experience? 507 00:18:54,970 --> 00:18:58,060 Well, no, but she's got all her credentials. 508 00:18:58,140 --> 00:18:59,310 I see. 509 00:18:59,390 --> 00:19:00,470 Oh, she's the one who taught me how 510 00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:01,850 to use the bathroom by myself. 511 00:19:01,940 --> 00:19:03,400 Yeah, last August, right? 512 00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:04,480 Oh, shut up, man. 513 00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:05,640 Fuck you. All right, man. 514 00:19:05,730 --> 00:19:07,150 What's that? I don't fucking know. 515 00:19:07,230 --> 00:19:08,610 Do you know if your mother would 516 00:19:08,690 --> 00:19:10,320 be willing to take this on for what 517 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:11,990 may be an indefinite period? 518 00:19:12,070 --> 00:19:14,660 I mean, she has always wanted to be a teacher. 519 00:19:14,740 --> 00:19:16,330 She just couldn't because she had to do laundry. 520 00:19:16,410 --> 00:19:17,540 There's a lot of laundry so... 521 00:19:17,620 --> 00:19:19,250 I know she'd do a wicked good job. 522 00:19:19,750 --> 00:19:21,130 Okay, listen. How about this? 523 00:19:21,210 --> 00:19:22,500 You hire her. 524 00:19:22,580 --> 00:19:24,830 And the next time there's an anti-drug assembly, 525 00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:28,800 and they ask for questions, I will ask a question. 526 00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:30,220 Teddy, don't. What, are you crazy? 527 00:19:30,300 --> 00:19:31,430 Quiet, John, quiet. 528 00:19:31,510 --> 00:19:34,180 I will ask a question of the speaker. 529 00:19:35,050 --> 00:19:38,680 No one has ever asked a question at assembly. 530 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:40,510 I will ask one. 531 00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:42,440 A real question? Yes. 532 00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:44,900 Not like a, can we see your nipple, kind of question, 533 00:19:44,980 --> 00:19:46,190 like, a real one. 534 00:19:46,270 --> 00:19:48,230 Like, "How can I help ensure 535 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:50,030 my school remains drug-free?" 536 00:19:50,110 --> 00:19:54,360 Like, "Who should I tell if I suspect a peer is on drugs?" 537 00:19:54,450 --> 00:19:56,450 Good God. Teddy, no, no. 538 00:19:56,530 --> 00:19:57,530 Shut up, John. It's not worth it. 539 00:19:57,620 --> 00:19:59,370 Shut up. This is for Susan! 540 00:20:00,410 --> 00:20:01,700 You have your deal. 541 00:20:01,790 --> 00:20:03,920 And may God have mercy on your soul. 542 00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:06,590 Now get out of this office before I kick your ass myself. 543 00:20:06,670 --> 00:20:08,170 Yes, ma'am, thank you. Thank you, thank you so much. 544 00:20:08,250 --> 00:20:09,790 Thank you. 545 00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:13,630 God, I love this job. 546 00:20:18,390 --> 00:20:22,730 And that's the monster mash 547 00:20:24,810 --> 00:20:26,100 What do you think? Is it a hit? 548 00:20:26,190 --> 00:20:27,860 I just told you. 549 00:20:27,940 --> 00:20:29,730 There's already a song called the Monster Mash. 550 00:20:29,820 --> 00:20:30,990 Oh, no, Blaire. Jesus Christ. 551 00:20:31,070 --> 00:20:32,530 Look at the diagram again. 552 00:20:32,610 --> 00:20:35,820 So this song the Monster Mash was inspired by this dance 553 00:20:35,900 --> 00:20:37,240 the Monster Mash. 554 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:38,780 But the song the Monster Mash, 555 00:20:38,870 --> 00:20:41,500 which is about the dance the Monster Mash, 556 00:20:41,580 --> 00:20:44,630 which was inspired by the song the Monster Mash 557 00:20:44,710 --> 00:20:47,420 is not the song the Monster Mash, all right? 558 00:20:47,500 --> 00:20:49,960 That song does not exist in our universe. 559 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:53,250 Ever since 1962, we have been living in the outer circle. 560 00:20:53,340 --> 00:20:54,680 And we don't even know it. 561 00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:57,260 Teddy and I have written the song the Monster Mash. 562 00:20:57,340 --> 00:21:00,050 Which will take our reality to the innermost circle 563 00:21:00,140 --> 00:21:02,520 for the first time in the history of the cosmos. 564 00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:04,850 All we need is $2,000 for studio time. 565 00:21:04,930 --> 00:21:06,720 I'll save you the time right now. 566 00:21:06,810 --> 00:21:09,270 Nobody in 1993 is going to give a shit about a song 567 00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:10,360 called the Monster Mash. 568 00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:11,600 Why not? 569 00:21:11,690 --> 00:21:13,020 Because all the good music now 570 00:21:13,110 --> 00:21:15,650 is about shit that matters, people with real stories. 571 00:21:15,740 --> 00:21:17,330 I mean, don't you guys listen to hip-hop? 572 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:18,860 Okay, okay, how about this? 573 00:21:18,950 --> 00:21:22,160 And that's the monster mash 574 00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:23,620 It's hard being Black 575 00:21:24,540 --> 00:21:25,920 John. 576 00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:27,090 Hey, Mom. 577 00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:29,250 I just got a call from the principal. 578 00:21:29,330 --> 00:21:30,920 Really? 579 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:33,300 They want me to take over for Mr. George. 580 00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:35,210 They do? 581 00:21:35,300 --> 00:21:36,470 Yeah. 582 00:21:36,670 --> 00:21:39,130 And, John, they said it was your idea. 583 00:21:39,220 --> 00:21:40,970 Is that true? 584 00:21:41,050 --> 00:21:42,140 Are you mad? 585 00:21:42,220 --> 00:21:44,310 No, no. 586 00:21:44,390 --> 00:21:46,680 I'm just overwhelmed. 587 00:21:46,770 --> 00:21:48,190 Well, you're going to do it, right? 588 00:21:48,270 --> 00:21:50,400 Well, I don't know. 589 00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:51,690 Oh, my God. 590 00:21:51,770 --> 00:21:53,900 You have to say yes. This is your chance. 591 00:21:53,980 --> 00:21:56,480 Well, if I'm working, then who's going to let the mailman 592 00:21:56,570 --> 00:21:58,160 in to use the bathroom? 593 00:21:58,240 --> 00:21:59,580 Listen to me. 594 00:21:59,650 --> 00:22:02,530 This is about you doing something for yourself. 595 00:22:03,620 --> 00:22:04,960 Well, if it's what you want. 596 00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:07,540 No, Jesus. It's not about me. 597 00:22:07,620 --> 00:22:09,250 It's about what you want. 598 00:22:09,330 --> 00:22:11,120 This was your dream. I mean, come on. 599 00:22:11,210 --> 00:22:13,000 You got to give yourself a chance to see it through. 600 00:22:14,170 --> 00:22:16,670 You're not embarrassed to have your mother 601 00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:18,140 teaching your class? 602 00:22:18,220 --> 00:22:20,220 I already walk around school with my Teddy bear. 603 00:22:20,300 --> 00:22:21,510 I think I'll be fine. 604 00:22:21,590 --> 00:22:23,680 Oh, John. 605 00:22:24,970 --> 00:22:26,760 Thank you. Okay, oh, God. 606 00:22:26,850 --> 00:22:29,810 Oh, Jesus, Ma. Thank you so much. 607 00:22:29,890 --> 00:22:34,520 Oh, I'm so excited. I'm all flushed. 608 00:22:34,610 --> 00:22:36,780 I'm going to go stand in the basement water. 609 00:22:39,740 --> 00:22:43,080 John, you did that for her? 610 00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:45,200 Well, yeah. 611 00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:47,780 You know, you said nobody ever does anything for her so 612 00:22:47,870 --> 00:22:49,910 Yeah, you know, we're not all about smoking weed 613 00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:52,290 and scouring the beaches of the world 614 00:22:52,370 --> 00:22:53,750 looking for the perfect wave. 615 00:22:53,830 --> 00:22:55,080 We care. 616 00:22:55,170 --> 00:22:57,550 It's increasingly possible that the two of you 617 00:22:57,630 --> 00:22:59,090 might not be total fuckups. 618 00:23:01,970 --> 00:23:03,310 I'm okay! 619 00:23:03,390 --> 00:23:04,600 I'm okay. 620 00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:06,220 Susan, get out of the basement! 621 00:23:06,310 --> 00:23:07,560 I'm watching TV. 622 00:23:34,290 --> 00:23:36,880 Good morning, everyone. 623 00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:38,090 Hi. 624 00:23:38,170 --> 00:23:40,670 I'm your substitute teacher, Mrs. Bennett. 625 00:23:40,760 --> 00:23:42,430 Fuck yeah. Great start. 626 00:23:42,510 --> 00:23:45,760 I'm a little new at this. 627 00:23:45,850 --> 00:23:48,600 So I hope you'll be patient with me. 628 00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:51,180 I was told you're studying American poets 629 00:23:51,270 --> 00:23:53,060 of the early 20th century. 630 00:23:53,140 --> 00:23:54,640 Is that right? 631 00:23:58,110 --> 00:23:59,570 Yeah, yeah. That's right. 632 00:23:59,650 --> 00:24:00,650 Okay. 633 00:24:00,860 --> 00:24:01,940 Now let's see. 634 00:24:02,030 --> 00:24:06,540 It looks like Mr. George left off with T.S. Eliot. 635 00:24:06,620 --> 00:24:07,910 Yeah? 636 00:24:08,950 --> 00:24:13,250 Okay, well, you know, I have a very special place 637 00:24:13,330 --> 00:24:15,500 in my heart for T.S. Eliot. 638 00:24:15,580 --> 00:24:18,370 He wrote those wonderful poems about cats. 639 00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:21,630 And when I was a little girl, whenever I'd get sick 640 00:24:21,710 --> 00:24:23,840 and I'd stay home in bed, 641 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:25,630 my mother would read me those poems. 642 00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:27,560 They always made me feel better. 643 00:24:30,560 --> 00:24:32,650 Did I say something funny? 644 00:24:32,730 --> 00:24:34,610 You're saying you're a cat lady? 645 00:24:36,060 --> 00:24:37,730 Yes, yes. 646 00:24:37,810 --> 00:24:39,850 I guess I am a cat lady. 647 00:24:39,940 --> 00:24:42,110 Well, that explains the blouse. 648 00:24:42,190 --> 00:24:43,980 The blouse? 649 00:24:44,070 --> 00:24:45,280 Does it look okay? 650 00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:46,780 Yeah, it looks great. 651 00:24:46,860 --> 00:24:48,990 Actually, my grandma has curtains in her bathroom. 652 00:24:49,070 --> 00:24:50,860 And I think that they might be the same pattern. 653 00:24:51,450 --> 00:24:53,830 Oh, what a funny coincidence. 654 00:24:53,910 --> 00:24:55,330 Leave her alone, Erin. Yeah. 655 00:24:55,410 --> 00:24:56,790 Some of us are here to learn. 656 00:24:56,870 --> 00:24:59,120 Aren't you the guy who asked the question at assembly? 657 00:24:59,210 --> 00:25:00,840 A lot of people wanted to know about the long-term 658 00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:02,250 side effects of drugs. 659 00:25:02,340 --> 00:25:05,050 Mrs. Bennett, did you pick out the blouse yourself? 660 00:25:05,130 --> 00:25:06,760 Yeah. 661 00:25:07,890 --> 00:25:11,020 Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats. 662 00:25:11,100 --> 00:25:13,350 Did you pick out the skirt yourself too? 663 00:25:13,430 --> 00:25:15,930 I did. Is there something wrong with my skirt? 664 00:25:16,020 --> 00:25:18,360 I mean, not unless you're someone who thinks 665 00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:20,070 Marshalls is too pricey. 666 00:25:21,360 --> 00:25:23,030 Hey, Erin. 667 00:25:23,110 --> 00:25:24,450 Hi. Ted. 668 00:25:24,530 --> 00:25:26,410 We've never officially talked. But I know your work. 669 00:25:26,490 --> 00:25:28,620 Listen, I think Susan's doing a terrific job. 670 00:25:28,700 --> 00:25:29,990 So I figured this is a good time 671 00:25:30,070 --> 00:25:32,700 to tell you, we all know about the nose job you had last year. 672 00:25:32,790 --> 00:25:34,040 You didn't fool anybody. 673 00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:35,620 Because we all remember before the surgery 674 00:25:35,700 --> 00:25:37,410 when you tried to kiss Danny Santucci, 675 00:25:37,500 --> 00:25:38,920 and you poked his eye out. 676 00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:41,000 Also, and everybody in town knows this except you. 677 00:25:41,090 --> 00:25:43,590 Your dad is really your uncle, which may have subconsciously 678 00:25:43,670 --> 00:25:45,880 fucked you up and caused you eating disorder, which is also 679 00:25:45,970 --> 00:25:47,350 no secret because everybody's heard you 680 00:25:47,420 --> 00:25:48,550 throwing up in the bathroom. 681 00:25:48,630 --> 00:25:49,880 And also, I recently found out 682 00:25:49,970 --> 00:25:51,470 you're a virgin, which is interesting, because you've 683 00:25:51,550 --> 00:25:52,800 been lying about that too. 684 00:25:52,890 --> 00:25:54,810 So I hope you do give your boyfriend fellatio 685 00:25:54,890 --> 00:25:56,060 because at least then there's something 686 00:25:56,140 --> 00:25:57,390 going down your throat besides your finger. 687 00:25:57,480 --> 00:25:58,940 That about cover it? 688 00:26:04,730 --> 00:26:06,320 Jesus Christ, Teddy. 689 00:26:07,030 --> 00:26:08,070 Sorry. 690 00:26:08,150 --> 00:26:09,740 We don't do enough for Susan at home. 691 00:26:09,820 --> 00:26:11,740 So I felt obligated to say those things. 692 00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:23,210 Well, go ahead, Susan. 693 00:26:23,290 --> 00:26:26,250 Well, go ahead and read 694 00:26:26,340 --> 00:26:28,720 The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock. 695 00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:30,800 I'll be right back. 696 00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:33,760 You know, before Mrs. B., 697 00:26:33,850 --> 00:26:35,310 I didn't care nothing about reading. 698 00:26:35,390 --> 00:26:37,060 But she opened my eyes. 699 00:26:37,140 --> 00:26:39,560 These poems really are just like rap songs. 700 00:26:42,650 --> 00:26:44,780 Oh, sweetie. 701 00:26:44,860 --> 00:26:45,950 Are you okay? 702 00:26:46,030 --> 00:26:48,780 I'm a total fucking loser! 703 00:26:48,860 --> 00:26:50,240 Oh, honey. 704 00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:51,780 No, no, you're not. 705 00:26:51,860 --> 00:26:54,200 You're a very special girl. 706 00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:55,490 I just know it. 707 00:26:55,580 --> 00:26:57,210 I'm a fucking disaster. 708 00:26:57,290 --> 00:26:59,830 My whole life is an absolute fucking mess. 709 00:26:59,910 --> 00:27:01,790 You're 16. 710 00:27:01,870 --> 00:27:04,790 Your life hasn't even started yet. 711 00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:07,510 You can still be anyone you want to be. 712 00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:11,850 I'm sorry I was such a bitch. 713 00:27:13,970 --> 00:27:16,970 You know, when I was your age, 714 00:27:17,060 --> 00:27:19,230 I used to think my ears were too big. 715 00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:24,480 And then one day I saw a picture in a magazine 716 00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:28,650 of a girl with a deformed ear because her mother smoked 717 00:27:28,730 --> 00:27:30,400 while she was in the womb. 718 00:27:30,490 --> 00:27:32,280 It was awful. 719 00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:35,280 It was like a little piece of popcorn. 720 00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:40,080 And then I realized that maybe I had more 721 00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:43,410 to be grateful for than I knew because at least 722 00:27:43,500 --> 00:27:45,630 I had both my ears. 723 00:27:46,340 --> 00:27:48,760 I think about that girl in the magazine. 724 00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:50,340 And I just... 725 00:27:50,420 --> 00:27:53,420 I hope somebody gave her a job where she doesn't have 726 00:27:53,510 --> 00:27:56,010 to interact with the public. 727 00:27:56,100 --> 00:28:00,060 That's fucked up, like, all of it, 728 00:28:00,140 --> 00:28:02,020 every part of that story. 729 00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:08,020 You are perfect just the way you are. 730 00:28:08,110 --> 00:28:10,400 And I'm sure your parents tell you that 731 00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:11,940 every day, don't they? 732 00:28:12,030 --> 00:28:13,910 No, not really. 733 00:28:13,990 --> 00:28:15,830 They're just obsessed with solving 734 00:28:15,910 --> 00:28:17,540 my brother's stupid murder. 735 00:28:18,450 --> 00:28:19,870 Oh. 736 00:28:19,950 --> 00:28:21,830 It's, like, you have a daughter too. 737 00:28:23,210 --> 00:28:25,290 Would you like some chocolate milk? 738 00:28:26,790 --> 00:28:28,670 No, I'm okay. 739 00:28:30,170 --> 00:28:32,840 You're a really nice lady, Mrs. Bennett. 740 00:28:46,190 --> 00:28:49,400 So I want to hear all about it. 741 00:28:49,480 --> 00:28:51,190 You would have been wicked proud of her, Blaire. 742 00:28:51,280 --> 00:28:52,530 She did great. Yeah. 743 00:28:52,610 --> 00:28:54,400 I mean, I was having trouble with a math problem. 744 00:28:54,490 --> 00:28:56,450 And then she converted the units 745 00:28:56,530 --> 00:28:57,740 into items from my street. 746 00:28:57,820 --> 00:28:59,030 And I got it. 747 00:28:59,120 --> 00:29:02,540 It was a memorable experience. 748 00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:06,920 God, Aunt Sus, I just have to say, I am so proud of you. 749 00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:08,460 You've wanted this for decades. 750 00:29:08,540 --> 00:29:09,710 And it's finally yours. 751 00:29:09,790 --> 00:29:11,080 By the way, I didn't know that girl's brother 752 00:29:11,170 --> 00:29:12,630 was murdered when I said that stuff. 753 00:29:12,710 --> 00:29:14,590 I mean, really, you stepped up. 754 00:29:14,670 --> 00:29:16,460 And you did it. 755 00:29:17,510 --> 00:29:19,600 Yeah. 756 00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:21,140 What's the matter? 757 00:29:22,260 --> 00:29:24,970 Blaire, I'm not going back. 758 00:29:26,350 --> 00:29:28,480 You're not? 759 00:29:28,560 --> 00:29:30,310 No. 760 00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:31,610 Why? 761 00:29:31,690 --> 00:29:33,610 It's just not for me. 762 00:29:33,690 --> 00:29:34,940 Well, look. 763 00:29:35,030 --> 00:29:36,820 I'm sure there were a few bumps. 764 00:29:36,900 --> 00:29:38,570 But it's just your first day. 765 00:29:38,660 --> 00:29:40,620 Next time, it's going to be even better. 766 00:29:41,580 --> 00:29:43,040 Blaire, I'm not like you. 767 00:29:44,160 --> 00:29:47,290 You want something different out of life than I do. 768 00:29:47,370 --> 00:29:49,580 Years ago, I wanted to teach. 769 00:29:49,670 --> 00:29:52,510 But somewhere along the line... 770 00:29:53,210 --> 00:29:55,210 well, it's different now. 771 00:29:56,300 --> 00:30:00,140 You know, I admire how strong you are and, 772 00:30:00,220 --> 00:30:02,720 and what you want from the world. 773 00:30:03,640 --> 00:30:05,350 But it's not who I am. 774 00:30:05,930 --> 00:30:07,680 I'm happy with my life. 775 00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:11,940 But your life can't just be about chocolate milk 776 00:30:12,020 --> 00:30:13,440 and Matty's stools. 777 00:30:13,520 --> 00:30:15,020 You know, I'm just putting it together now. 778 00:30:15,110 --> 00:30:17,150 But you think all the lactose is maybe the reason he's so... 779 00:30:17,240 --> 00:30:20,030 Oh, Blaire. I don't see it that way at all. 780 00:30:20,110 --> 00:30:22,150 I mean, the best part of my day was helping 781 00:30:22,240 --> 00:30:24,530 that girl with the nose job. 782 00:30:24,620 --> 00:30:27,670 Oh, it's a terrible nose job. It's a terrible nose job. 783 00:30:27,750 --> 00:30:30,090 And I didn't want her to feel badly about it. 784 00:30:30,170 --> 00:30:34,090 But just being there for her made me feel so good. 785 00:30:35,090 --> 00:30:38,010 That's my special power, Blaire, 786 00:30:38,090 --> 00:30:40,260 helping people who need me. 787 00:30:40,880 --> 00:30:44,220 Making them happy is what makes me happy. 788 00:30:45,350 --> 00:30:48,310 I have to be honest, Aunt Sus. 789 00:30:48,390 --> 00:30:50,350 I don't understand how that can be enough. 790 00:30:50,440 --> 00:30:51,690 I mean, you know you can do both. 791 00:30:51,770 --> 00:30:53,730 I don't want to. 792 00:30:54,270 --> 00:30:56,190 Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to yell. 793 00:30:58,030 --> 00:30:59,990 No, it's okay. 794 00:31:00,070 --> 00:31:01,700 Are you okay? 795 00:31:01,780 --> 00:31:03,950 Yeah. Oh, my gosh. 796 00:31:06,700 --> 00:31:08,370 Oh, Matty, you're limping. 797 00:31:08,450 --> 00:31:10,370 Oh, my goddamn gout's killing me. 798 00:31:10,460 --> 00:31:13,050 Oh, no. You want me to take a look? 799 00:31:13,130 --> 00:31:14,420 No, no, no, no. You don't want to see this. 800 00:31:14,500 --> 00:31:16,670 My big toe looks like a frog holding his breath. 801 00:31:16,750 --> 00:31:19,710 Well, last time it was a cob of Indian corn. 802 00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:21,090 So it must be getting better. 803 00:31:21,170 --> 00:31:23,130 Yeah, well, it hurts like a shithouse. 804 00:31:23,220 --> 00:31:25,220 Matty, why don't we go upstairs to the bedroom, 805 00:31:25,300 --> 00:31:28,220 and you can show me your toe, okay? 806 00:31:29,100 --> 00:31:30,520 All right. 807 00:31:33,520 --> 00:31:35,480 Oh, so many steps. 808 00:31:35,560 --> 00:31:36,940 I know. 809 00:31:45,200 --> 00:31:46,620 I just want to go on the record 810 00:31:46,700 --> 00:31:49,040 that I don't approve of this kind of enabling. 811 00:31:49,120 --> 00:31:51,330 Well, if this week has taught us anything, 812 00:31:51,410 --> 00:31:53,580 it's that what matters most is Blaire's approval. 813 00:31:53,670 --> 00:31:55,090 Ha, hilarious. 814 00:31:55,170 --> 00:31:57,170 Fuck you. Yeah, smoke up. 815 00:31:58,090 --> 00:32:00,630 It just bums me out, you know, 816 00:32:00,710 --> 00:32:02,800 that the women of Aunt Susan's generation 817 00:32:02,880 --> 00:32:04,260 can be happy with so little. 818 00:32:04,340 --> 00:32:05,420 Yeah, I know what you mean. 819 00:32:05,510 --> 00:32:07,180 I don't like those women either. 820 00:32:07,260 --> 00:32:09,260 They need to have more ambition like us. 821 00:32:09,350 --> 00:32:11,020 But you get what I'm saying, right? 822 00:32:11,100 --> 00:32:13,190 I mean, people just walk all over her. 823 00:32:13,270 --> 00:32:15,770 And she just smiles and keeps on like vacuuming 824 00:32:15,850 --> 00:32:17,140 the fucking floor. 825 00:32:17,230 --> 00:32:19,520 I mean, she kind of told you to fuck off. 826 00:32:19,610 --> 00:32:22,320 Yeah, I guess mission accomplished, huh? 827 00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:24,690 This is going to be a thing, isn't it, 828 00:32:24,780 --> 00:32:26,030 the three of us getting high? 829 00:32:26,110 --> 00:32:28,610 Yeah, it sure is. Yeah, enjoy your new life. 830 00:32:28,700 --> 00:32:30,700 Oh, God. 831 00:32:32,540 --> 00:32:35,000 Remember when I was a therapist? 832 00:32:42,010 --> 00:32:45,850 Oh, you've got a head full of someone dreadful 833 00:32:45,930 --> 00:32:49,430 And yet alas that someone adores you 834 00:32:50,810 --> 00:32:54,480 Everybody needs a best friend 835 00:32:54,560 --> 00:32:57,230 I'm happy I'm yours 836 00:32:57,310 --> 00:33:00,560 I'm just a clown 837 00:33:00,650 --> 00:33:04,070 And I'll bring you down 838 00:33:04,150 --> 00:33:06,240 But you just don't care 839 00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:12,410 'Cause your best friend is me