1 00:00:08,020 --> 00:00:09,770 My words are lazy 2 00:00:09,850 --> 00:00:11,350 My thoughts are hazy 3 00:00:11,440 --> 00:00:14,400 But this is one thing I'm sure of 4 00:00:14,480 --> 00:00:18,360 Everybody needs a best friend 5 00:00:18,450 --> 00:00:21,040 I'm happy I'm yours 6 00:00:27,910 --> 00:00:29,790 Oh, baby. Here we go. 7 00:00:29,870 --> 00:00:31,500 Let the festivities begin. 8 00:00:31,580 --> 00:00:33,120 How many have we got? Well, let's see. 9 00:00:33,210 --> 00:00:36,130 We got 20 cartons, 12 eggs in each. 10 00:00:36,210 --> 00:00:37,750 That's got to be like, 20 dozen eggs, right? 11 00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:39,130 Fucking fantastic. 12 00:00:39,510 --> 00:00:40,970 Do you think we're getting too old for this? 13 00:00:41,300 --> 00:00:43,640 Oh, come on, Johnny, we're doing a public service here. 14 00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:46,390 If a kid leaves the house in a less than stellar Halloween costume, 15 00:00:46,470 --> 00:00:48,430 he's got to get the bad news 16 00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:50,560 before he makes a fool of himself all over town. 17 00:00:50,640 --> 00:00:51,810 We're Samaritans. 18 00:00:51,900 --> 00:00:53,110 You remember last year? 19 00:00:53,190 --> 00:00:54,230 Oh, check it out. There's one. 20 00:00:54,310 --> 00:00:56,190 Hey, nice costume, fuckface! 21 00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:58,120 Ah! What the hell? 22 00:00:58,190 --> 00:00:59,480 Hey, what the fuck are you supposed to be? 23 00:00:59,570 --> 00:01:01,610 I'm the Hulk. Yeah, no, you're not. 24 00:01:01,700 --> 00:01:02,780 Yes, I am! 25 00:01:02,860 --> 00:01:04,320 The Hulk doesn't have a fucking picture 26 00:01:04,410 --> 00:01:06,250 of the Hulk on his chest. 27 00:01:06,330 --> 00:01:08,330 Yeah, the Hulk's shirt doesn't say "The Hulk" on it. 28 00:01:08,410 --> 00:01:10,160 Yeah, if you got to tell us you're the Hulk, 29 00:01:10,250 --> 00:01:11,250 it's already a failed narrative. 30 00:01:11,330 --> 00:01:12,330 Fuck you. 31 00:01:12,420 --> 00:01:14,130 Ah! You assholes! 32 00:01:14,210 --> 00:01:15,710 Hulk angry. 33 00:01:15,790 --> 00:01:17,250 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, whatever, dude. 34 00:01:17,340 --> 00:01:18,680 Hulk smash! 35 00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:21,390 Yeah, go back to Walgreens and smash there. 36 00:01:21,470 --> 00:01:23,140 Hey, you ever notice how the Hulk only talks about himself 37 00:01:23,220 --> 00:01:24,260 in the third person? 38 00:01:24,390 --> 00:01:25,600 I know. He's like Bob Dole. 39 00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:26,720 Shit! 40 00:01:26,810 --> 00:01:27,850 All right, how much time we got? 41 00:01:27,930 --> 00:01:29,770 Uh, a couple hours. 42 00:01:29,850 --> 00:01:31,230 What do you want to do? 43 00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:33,440 Scary movie? Scary movie. 44 00:01:40,860 --> 00:01:42,360 Wait, what the hell? 45 00:01:42,450 --> 00:01:43,870 Where's Texas Chainsaw Massacre? 46 00:01:43,950 --> 00:01:44,990 Hey, hey, Blaire. 47 00:01:45,070 --> 00:01:46,410 Yeah. 48 00:01:46,490 --> 00:01:47,870 I thought you were going to rent scary movies. 49 00:01:47,950 --> 00:01:49,410 I did. 50 00:01:49,490 --> 00:01:51,990 Walt Disney's Watcher in the Woods, what the fuck? 51 00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:54,210 Chainsaws are lazy and obvious. 52 00:01:54,290 --> 00:01:55,880 This is cerebral. 53 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:57,800 And it's a really scary movie. 54 00:01:57,880 --> 00:01:59,130 Walt Disney? 55 00:01:59,210 --> 00:02:01,380 Early '80s Disney, the dark period. 56 00:02:01,470 --> 00:02:03,390 Oh, what dark period? It's fucking Disney. 57 00:02:03,470 --> 00:02:04,800 You'll be scared. 58 00:02:04,890 --> 00:02:06,600 Oh, come on, I saw Aladdin, and I was fine. 59 00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:10,270 I wasn't sitting there like, oh, no, fucking Jafar. 60 00:02:10,350 --> 00:02:11,890 You know, we're not kids anymore, Blaire. 61 00:02:11,980 --> 00:02:13,070 Yeah. 62 00:02:13,140 --> 00:02:14,350 I haven't cried last four haircuts. 63 00:02:14,440 --> 00:02:16,070 Yeah. I'm using deodorant now. 64 00:02:16,150 --> 00:02:17,490 Yeah, deodorant. 65 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:19,480 Fine, I dare you to watch it. 66 00:02:19,570 --> 00:02:21,030 See if it doesn't mess you up. 67 00:02:21,110 --> 00:02:23,070 Fine, sure. No problem. 68 00:02:45,050 --> 00:02:46,300 Oh, no. No, no, no. 69 00:02:46,390 --> 00:02:47,640 No, no, no. No, no, I don't like this. 70 00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:49,060 This is not good. No. 71 00:02:49,140 --> 00:02:50,600 Nope. 72 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:52,260 Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. 73 00:02:52,350 --> 00:02:53,350 Don't like this. 74 00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:56,480 Come on. Oh, stop. 75 00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:57,980 Come on. Stop it. 76 00:02:58,060 --> 00:02:59,140 Come on. Oh, stop it! 77 00:02:59,230 --> 00:03:00,230 Come on. Stop it! 78 00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:02,480 Goddammit! Come on! 79 00:03:02,570 --> 00:03:03,570 What the fuck? Come on! 80 00:03:03,650 --> 00:03:04,780 Fuck, you're a piece of shit, Blaire. 81 00:03:04,860 --> 00:03:05,860 Oh, my God. 82 00:03:05,950 --> 00:03:07,030 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. 83 00:03:07,110 --> 00:03:08,280 Get it off. Turn it off. 84 00:03:08,370 --> 00:03:09,580 Turn it the fuck off. Oh, my God. 85 00:03:09,660 --> 00:03:10,700 Oh. 86 00:03:10,780 --> 00:03:11,950 I'm never looking in a mirror again. 87 00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:13,580 Me neither, fucking God! 88 00:03:13,660 --> 00:03:14,950 I'm never going to be able to shave. 89 00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:16,210 Yeah. Thanks, Blaire. 90 00:03:16,290 --> 00:03:17,630 Now he's going to have to grow a mustache. 91 00:03:17,710 --> 00:03:19,000 Oh, that's going to limit my career choices. 92 00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:20,460 Yeah, he's going to have to be a cop or a fireman. 93 00:03:20,540 --> 00:03:22,130 Oh, those are dangerous jobs. 94 00:03:22,210 --> 00:03:23,290 Yeah, what if he gets killed? 95 00:03:23,380 --> 00:03:24,590 God, Blaire, you're such a fucker. 96 00:03:24,670 --> 00:03:26,590 Well, next time, don't be so smug with all 97 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:28,220 your cocky deodorant talk. 98 00:03:33,060 --> 00:03:34,560 Hello? 99 00:03:34,640 --> 00:03:36,560 Man, mirrors in horror movies are like a huge red flag. 100 00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:37,640 Oh, hey, Sharon. What's up? 101 00:03:37,810 --> 00:03:39,230 Mirrors and small children 102 00:03:39,310 --> 00:03:40,650 pointing at things that you can't see. 103 00:03:40,730 --> 00:03:42,110 Oh, shit. Yeah, that's a bad one. 104 00:03:42,190 --> 00:03:43,320 God, are you sure? 105 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:44,820 Oh, and when the Black guy says, 106 00:03:44,900 --> 00:03:46,860 oh, I'll go check out what the noise is in the basement. 107 00:03:46,950 --> 00:03:48,160 That's always trouble. 108 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:49,280 Well, thank you for telling me. 109 00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:50,360 Yeah, why does the Black guy always die? 110 00:03:50,490 --> 00:03:51,780 No, it's fine. I'll figure it out. 111 00:03:51,870 --> 00:03:52,950 Yeah, isn't that kind of racist? 112 00:03:53,030 --> 00:03:54,030 Seems like it. 113 00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:55,910 They should have only white people in those movies. 114 00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:57,960 Oh, yeah, so then the Black guys won't get killed. 115 00:03:58,040 --> 00:03:59,130 Yeah, I'll talk to you later. 116 00:03:59,210 --> 00:04:00,550 Blaire, we just came up with a great way 117 00:04:00,630 --> 00:04:02,170 to make movies less racist. 118 00:04:02,250 --> 00:04:04,000 Sharon is conscientiously objecting 119 00:04:04,090 --> 00:04:07,550 to this costume party tonight, so I need a designated driver. 120 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:09,630 Can you do it? Me? 121 00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:10,720 No, not tonight. 122 00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:12,390 Yeah, me and Ted got massive plans. 123 00:04:12,470 --> 00:04:13,640 Well, I can't drive myself. 124 00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:14,890 I'll be full of Jell-O shots. 125 00:04:14,970 --> 00:04:16,970 So you have a few drinks, big deal. 126 00:04:17,060 --> 00:04:19,350 You know what nobody ever talks about with drunk driving? 127 00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:20,480 How fun it is. 128 00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:21,730 John doesn't have his license yet. 129 00:04:21,810 --> 00:04:23,230 And you... It's like a video game. 130 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:25,320 You owe me. For what? 131 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:26,530 I took the heat went Aunt Suze found 132 00:04:26,610 --> 00:04:27,610 the porno you guys rented. 133 00:04:27,690 --> 00:04:29,480 What do I care? She's not my mom. 134 00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:32,200 My mom's an 11 year old kid in China with arthritis. 135 00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:33,530 How do you know that? 136 00:04:33,620 --> 00:04:35,250 Because she sewed a note in my leg that says 137 00:04:35,330 --> 00:04:36,580 she's never had a vegetable. 138 00:04:36,660 --> 00:04:38,500 Come on, Ted. Please, you got to drive me. 139 00:04:38,580 --> 00:04:39,660 It's not a good night, Blaire. 140 00:04:39,750 --> 00:04:41,340 We got plans. Yeah. 141 00:04:41,420 --> 00:04:43,340 Now, I'm going to go shower and fluff myself, 142 00:04:43,420 --> 00:04:45,090 so I can be in a confident head space 143 00:04:45,170 --> 00:04:46,380 to shame trick-or-treaters. 144 00:04:46,460 --> 00:04:49,590 The cuter I look, the worse they feel. 145 00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:54,720 Macarena 146 00:04:54,810 --> 00:04:57,100 Macarena 147 00:04:57,180 --> 00:04:59,180 Macarena 148 00:04:59,270 --> 00:05:00,980 Hey, Macarena 149 00:05:01,810 --> 00:05:04,150 Ah, where's the goddamn conditioner? 150 00:05:04,230 --> 00:05:05,310 Help me. 151 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:06,530 Ah! 152 00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:07,860 Be my designated driver. 153 00:05:07,940 --> 00:05:09,650 Jesus Christ, Blaire, what the fuck! 154 00:05:09,740 --> 00:05:10,740 Well? 155 00:05:10,860 --> 00:05:11,860 What the fuck is wrong with you? 156 00:05:11,950 --> 00:05:13,580 I'm naked. You're always naked. 157 00:05:13,660 --> 00:05:15,250 Yeah, but I'm bathroom naked. 158 00:05:15,330 --> 00:05:16,710 I'm washing my bear parts. 159 00:05:16,790 --> 00:05:18,120 Get lost. 160 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:26,840 Help me. Ah, Jesus Christ! 161 00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:28,170 Drive me to the party. 162 00:05:28,260 --> 00:05:30,220 I said no. Stop fucking scaring me. 163 00:05:30,300 --> 00:05:31,510 God! 164 00:05:31,590 --> 00:05:33,010 You can end this very easily, you know. 165 00:05:33,090 --> 00:05:34,550 I will not be blackmailed. 166 00:05:38,180 --> 00:05:40,520 There's nothing like the scent of the hills of Kilkenny 167 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:41,770 to make you feel fresh. 168 00:05:41,850 --> 00:05:44,440 And we put a bit of that into every bar 169 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:45,940 of Irish Spring. 170 00:05:46,730 --> 00:05:48,440 This whole ad campaign is a bluff. 171 00:05:48,530 --> 00:05:49,740 What do you mean? 172 00:05:49,820 --> 00:05:51,200 It's like, you know who smells good? 173 00:05:51,280 --> 00:05:52,530 The Irish. 174 00:05:52,610 --> 00:05:54,740 Yeah, a guy named Seamus Boyle smells great. 175 00:05:55,990 --> 00:05:57,030 Is it warm in here? 176 00:05:57,160 --> 00:05:58,290 Yeah, it is kind of warm. 177 00:05:58,370 --> 00:06:00,000 Yeah, it feels like somebody turned up the heat. 178 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:01,540 I'm going to check the thermostat. 179 00:06:01,620 --> 00:06:03,040 No, wait. What? 180 00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:04,250 It's her. 181 00:06:04,330 --> 00:06:05,670 It's fucking Blaire. 182 00:06:05,750 --> 00:06:07,210 You open that door, she's going to be right there 183 00:06:07,290 --> 00:06:08,500 with that fucking blindfold. 184 00:06:08,590 --> 00:06:10,430 Here, I'll open a window. 185 00:06:13,260 --> 00:06:14,300 Help me. 186 00:06:14,380 --> 00:06:15,460 Ah! 187 00:06:15,550 --> 00:06:17,600 All right, goddammit! 188 00:06:18,050 --> 00:06:20,680 Forbidden donut. 189 00:06:21,850 --> 00:06:24,520 Well, well, finishing something? 190 00:06:26,650 --> 00:06:29,030 Now, remember, the instant you finish it... 191 00:06:29,110 --> 00:06:31,320 Oh, my God! 192 00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:33,820 You two look so adorable. 193 00:06:33,900 --> 00:06:34,940 Thank you. 194 00:06:35,030 --> 00:06:37,410 All right, let me guess who you are. 195 00:06:37,490 --> 00:06:41,080 Blaire, you're Batman. 196 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:42,870 Close, Catwoman. 197 00:06:42,950 --> 00:06:44,290 Okay. 198 00:06:44,370 --> 00:06:47,500 And, Ted, you're Lawrence of Arabia. 199 00:06:48,170 --> 00:06:49,300 Yeah, that's exactly right. 200 00:06:49,380 --> 00:06:50,550 All right, now don't worry, Johnny. 201 00:06:50,630 --> 00:06:51,920 I'll be back by 9:00. Right, Blaire? 202 00:06:52,010 --> 00:06:53,800 That was the deal. Yeah, sure, whatever. 203 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:55,470 We're going to miss the first round. 204 00:06:55,550 --> 00:06:56,890 Yeah, but that's just the little kids. 205 00:06:56,970 --> 00:06:59,510 We'll have plenty of time to shame the puberty crowd. 206 00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:00,680 Yeah, I guess. 207 00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:03,010 Okay, well, we got to go. 208 00:07:03,100 --> 00:07:04,100 All right, you two. 209 00:07:04,180 --> 00:07:05,890 You have a fun time now. 210 00:07:07,150 --> 00:07:10,450 Oh, Johnny, don't look so sad. 211 00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:13,440 I have a fun surprise for you. 212 00:07:13,530 --> 00:07:14,950 What is it? 213 00:07:15,030 --> 00:07:19,080 I've hidden a Heath bar somewhere in this house. 214 00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:21,330 Can I get a hint? 215 00:07:21,410 --> 00:07:22,950 Oh, I can't do this to you. 216 00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:24,210 It's in the hamper. 217 00:07:24,290 --> 00:07:25,420 I'll go get it. 218 00:07:49,060 --> 00:07:50,850 Blaire! 219 00:07:50,940 --> 00:07:52,730 Oh, my God. You look so good. 220 00:07:52,820 --> 00:07:53,860 You look so good. 221 00:07:53,940 --> 00:07:55,020 Oh, you guys look amazing. 222 00:07:55,110 --> 00:07:56,240 You look amazing. Stunning. 223 00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:57,410 This is Ted. 224 00:07:57,490 --> 00:07:58,620 Ted, you know Sarah. 225 00:07:58,700 --> 00:08:00,240 And this is Paige. Hey. 226 00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:01,490 Hey, Ted. How's it going? 227 00:08:01,570 --> 00:08:02,610 Hey, how are you? 228 00:08:02,700 --> 00:08:03,990 What's your costume? 229 00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:05,080 Are you a caveman? 230 00:08:05,580 --> 00:08:07,420 Uh, you ever see Return of the Jedi? 231 00:08:07,500 --> 00:08:09,460 It was kind of a small independent film, 232 00:08:09,540 --> 00:08:10,920 mostly Israeli financed. 233 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:12,880 Yeah, I don't date men, so I don't need to learn this. 234 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,420 Well, come on, we need to get you guys wasted. 235 00:08:15,510 --> 00:08:19,220 Yes, yes for me, but Ted here is my designated driver. 236 00:08:19,300 --> 00:08:20,720 Yeah, I'm the guy that gets to listen 237 00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:22,260 to the Spin Doctors sober. 238 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:24,520 That sucks. Come on. 239 00:08:26,350 --> 00:08:27,440 Hey. 240 00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:28,690 Want a drink? 241 00:08:28,770 --> 00:08:30,020 I can't, I'm driving. 242 00:08:30,100 --> 00:08:31,350 Oh, too bad. 243 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:34,320 I always wanted to do a shot with a teddy bear. 244 00:08:34,690 --> 00:08:36,690 Fuck it, I'm not driving yet. 245 00:08:40,700 --> 00:08:42,990 I always wanted to smoke weed with a teddy bear. 246 00:08:48,710 --> 00:08:52,130 I always wanted to snort my ADHD meds with a teddy bear. 247 00:08:52,210 --> 00:08:55,010 If that's a cry for help, you got the wrong guy. 248 00:08:55,130 --> 00:08:56,130 Yeah! 249 00:08:58,260 --> 00:09:00,640 All righty, kids. 250 00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:03,430 You take care now, and happy Halloween. 251 00:09:03,510 --> 00:09:04,680 Say thank you, kids. 252 00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:05,800 Thank you. 253 00:09:05,890 --> 00:09:07,310 Oh, you're welcome. 254 00:09:07,390 --> 00:09:09,980 And be careful of the razor blades, all right? 255 00:09:10,060 --> 00:09:11,440 They're everywhere. 256 00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:13,440 Matty. 257 00:09:13,560 --> 00:09:14,560 Get the bacitracin. 258 00:09:14,650 --> 00:09:16,070 The bacitra... why? 259 00:09:16,150 --> 00:09:17,360 An ostrich bit me. 260 00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:19,360 A what? A goddamn ostrich! 261 00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:22,360 I was installing a fence for a guy over in Boxford. 262 00:09:22,450 --> 00:09:24,540 And he keeps ostriches, doesn't want them getting 263 00:09:24,620 --> 00:09:26,160 past the property line. 264 00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:27,990 And one of them bit me on the fucking ass! 265 00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:31,290 Wow, I've never seen an ostrich in person before. 266 00:09:31,370 --> 00:09:33,540 Your job is so interesting. 267 00:09:33,630 --> 00:09:35,510 Susan, will you help me out here? 268 00:09:35,590 --> 00:09:37,510 I'll get the bacitracin. 269 00:09:37,590 --> 00:09:40,050 Yeah, and maybe we call a moratorium 270 00:09:40,130 --> 00:09:42,760 on you sticking Fig Newtons in my pocket wrapped 271 00:09:42,840 --> 00:09:44,840 in a little goddamn note! 272 00:10:03,780 --> 00:10:05,160 Hey, Mom, do we have any more chip... 273 00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:09,830 Take a long look, Johnny. 274 00:10:10,290 --> 00:10:11,750 This is what life is. 275 00:10:18,500 --> 00:10:20,500 Cheers, fucksticks. Whoo! 276 00:10:22,340 --> 00:10:23,550 Ah. 277 00:10:23,630 --> 00:10:25,470 Hey, you guys want to see something terrifying? 278 00:10:25,550 --> 00:10:26,550 Watch this. 279 00:10:26,680 --> 00:10:28,270 Everybody wave your arms! 280 00:10:30,390 --> 00:10:32,020 Everybody jump in the air! 281 00:10:33,730 --> 00:10:35,270 Let's invade Poland! 282 00:10:37,650 --> 00:10:40,200 See that? That's the Milgram experiment. 283 00:10:40,610 --> 00:10:42,450 That's how it starts, with dancing. 284 00:10:42,530 --> 00:10:44,410 The dad from "Footloose" was right. 285 00:10:45,950 --> 00:10:47,200 Oh, shit! 286 00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:48,990 It's 8:30. 287 00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:50,420 Blaire, Blaire, it's 8:30. 288 00:10:50,490 --> 00:10:51,830 We got to go. 289 00:10:51,910 --> 00:10:55,040 God, I never noticed how beautiful your hair is. 290 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:57,290 Does it just naturally dry like that? 291 00:10:57,380 --> 00:10:58,550 Shut the fuck up. 292 00:10:58,630 --> 00:11:00,260 Your hair's the beautiful hair. 293 00:11:00,340 --> 00:11:01,470 Wait a minute, are... 294 00:11:01,550 --> 00:11:02,680 are you drunk? 295 00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:04,140 I'm just a little it's sort of. 296 00:11:04,220 --> 00:11:06,260 It's fine. You're fucking drunk! 297 00:11:06,340 --> 00:11:07,340 Well, so are you. 298 00:11:07,430 --> 00:11:09,220 Yeah, well, that was the plan. 299 00:11:09,300 --> 00:11:10,590 Sorry. 300 00:11:13,140 --> 00:11:14,730 How the hell are we supposed to get home? 301 00:11:14,850 --> 00:11:16,350 You're completely fucked up. 302 00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:17,770 It's a straight shot. 303 00:11:17,850 --> 00:11:20,730 You take the Neponset Circle, to 93 South, to 90 West, 304 00:11:20,810 --> 00:11:22,860 to 495 North, and you just do that U-turn 305 00:11:22,940 --> 00:11:24,070 at the light in front of the police station, 306 00:11:24,150 --> 00:11:25,360 and you're home. 307 00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:26,860 Yeah, no, I'm not getting in a car with you. 308 00:11:26,950 --> 00:11:28,290 Look, what's done is done. 309 00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:30,110 But we both promised Johnny we'd get me back 310 00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:31,450 in time for egging, all right? 311 00:11:31,530 --> 00:11:32,740 I'm fine to drive. 312 00:11:32,830 --> 00:11:34,540 You're not driving my car drunk, okay? 313 00:11:34,620 --> 00:11:35,750 It's-it's my car. 314 00:11:35,830 --> 00:11:36,830 I should be the drunk driver. 315 00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:38,130 All right, fair enough. 316 00:11:38,210 --> 00:11:40,210 I'll help by screaming out things I see. 317 00:11:48,470 --> 00:11:49,970 Hey, Blaire. 318 00:11:50,050 --> 00:11:52,220 Professor Damon, hi. 319 00:11:52,310 --> 00:11:53,850 Who's this now? How are you? 320 00:11:53,930 --> 00:11:55,760 Good, good. 321 00:11:55,850 --> 00:11:56,850 Feeling sharp. 322 00:11:56,980 --> 00:11:57,980 Feeling sharp? 323 00:11:58,060 --> 00:11:59,060 Shut the fuck up. 324 00:11:59,310 --> 00:12:00,770 I love the Batman costume. 325 00:12:00,860 --> 00:12:02,400 Oh, thanks. 326 00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:04,400 And who's Lawrence of Arabia here? 327 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:06,110 Ted, talking teddy bear, hi. 328 00:12:06,190 --> 00:12:08,280 Oh, Ted. Yes, of course. 329 00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:09,990 I remember your story very well. 330 00:12:10,070 --> 00:12:11,070 Yeah. Well, it's nice meeting you. 331 00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:12,200 Come on. Let's go, Blaire. 332 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:13,950 You in a rush? 333 00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:15,250 Why don't you come up to the house for a minute? 334 00:12:15,330 --> 00:12:16,620 There's something I'd like to talk to you about. 335 00:12:16,700 --> 00:12:18,040 I just went to the store. 336 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:19,960 I could whip us up a little caprese salad. 337 00:12:20,250 --> 00:12:21,500 Yeah, yeah, sure. 338 00:12:21,580 --> 00:12:23,370 I love salad. 339 00:12:23,460 --> 00:12:24,670 Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute, hang on. 340 00:12:24,750 --> 00:12:26,250 Oh, you're invited too, Ted. 341 00:12:26,340 --> 00:12:27,340 See you in a few? 342 00:12:27,470 --> 00:12:28,470 Awesome, yeah. 343 00:12:28,550 --> 00:12:29,840 See you in a few. Okay. 344 00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:32,850 You buttnut! 345 00:12:32,930 --> 00:12:34,640 I promised Johnny I'd be home by 9:00. 346 00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:36,600 You clearly don't know who that is. 347 00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:39,350 Yeah, a guy in his 50s riding a moped, fucking winner. 348 00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:42,030 That is Lucas Damon, my English lit professor. 349 00:12:42,230 --> 00:12:44,270 The Lucas Damon who also happens to be 350 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:46,530 a New York Times bestselling novelist. 351 00:12:46,610 --> 00:12:48,900 Yeah, was the novel about a guy who couldn't afford a car? 352 00:12:48,990 --> 00:12:50,030 Was the guy... 353 00:12:50,110 --> 00:12:52,030 no, he's looking for a student research 354 00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:53,290 assistant for his next book. 355 00:12:53,370 --> 00:12:55,540 Literally everybody wants this job. 356 00:12:55,620 --> 00:12:57,040 "I love salad." 357 00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:59,040 See, I knew you were lying. Nobody loves salad. 358 00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:01,160 I do. I really love salad. 359 00:13:01,250 --> 00:13:03,630 Not one person on this planet loves salad. 360 00:13:03,710 --> 00:13:05,170 I do. You're on death row. 361 00:13:05,250 --> 00:13:07,340 Your last meal, you can have a steak or a salad. 362 00:13:07,420 --> 00:13:09,130 I'm going to choose a salad. Fuck you! 363 00:13:09,220 --> 00:13:10,220 You're getting a steak. 364 00:13:10,300 --> 00:13:12,050 After what you did to that family 365 00:13:12,140 --> 00:13:14,180 the baby's ear was on the ceiling! 366 00:13:14,260 --> 00:13:15,720 I've been doing this job 20 years. 367 00:13:15,810 --> 00:13:17,350 I never seen anything so horrible. 368 00:13:17,770 --> 00:13:19,230 What? Oh, Christ, I'm fucked up. 369 00:13:19,310 --> 00:13:21,270 Yeah, it's good you're driving. Eh. 370 00:13:27,070 --> 00:13:29,410 My latest work is a piece of historical fiction 371 00:13:29,490 --> 00:13:33,160 that examines race and class in 19th century New England. 372 00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:35,660 Wow, that sounds incredible. 373 00:13:35,740 --> 00:13:37,160 Hey, great salad, by the way. 374 00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:39,290 I love that there are no croutons. 375 00:13:39,370 --> 00:13:43,080 It explores the balance between sociopolitical change 376 00:13:43,170 --> 00:13:45,090 and personal relationships as seen 377 00:13:45,170 --> 00:13:47,090 through the eyes of a labor organizer 378 00:13:47,170 --> 00:13:48,420 in Martha's Vineyard. 379 00:13:48,500 --> 00:13:51,050 There's a plot twist that will shock you. 380 00:13:51,130 --> 00:13:53,420 Hey, can I maybe have a different can of Schweppes 381 00:13:53,510 --> 00:13:55,180 that's not 85 degrees? 382 00:13:55,260 --> 00:13:59,010 You know, John Irving always starts a novel 383 00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:01,270 with the last sentence. 384 00:14:02,350 --> 00:14:04,100 I like to start with the second to last. 385 00:14:05,020 --> 00:14:06,440 Would you like to hear it? 386 00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:07,730 Absolutely. 387 00:14:09,570 --> 00:14:11,320 The horizon wept 388 00:14:11,610 --> 00:14:14,150 as Clara's undraped mortal frame 389 00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:16,620 joined the coiled multitudes, 390 00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:18,620 elation, revolution, 391 00:14:18,700 --> 00:14:20,740 a taste of bitter blood. 392 00:14:22,500 --> 00:14:23,790 It's brilliant. 393 00:14:23,870 --> 00:14:25,960 It evokes the best of James Joyce 394 00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:29,250 without feeling derivative or overly aureate. 395 00:14:29,340 --> 00:14:31,300 Hey, how'd you get inside my head? 396 00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:34,380 I'll freshen our drinks. 397 00:14:34,470 --> 00:14:37,890 Ted, I'm sure Blaire has warned you, I'm the fun professor. 398 00:14:37,970 --> 00:14:39,260 Okay. 399 00:14:40,970 --> 00:14:42,260 Jesus fucking Christ. 400 00:14:42,350 --> 00:14:43,680 Are you shitting me? What? 401 00:14:43,770 --> 00:14:46,150 What do you mean, what? We're sitting here wasting time 402 00:14:46,230 --> 00:14:47,520 because this fucking horndog just wants to bang you. 403 00:14:47,610 --> 00:14:49,030 Excuse me. 404 00:14:49,110 --> 00:14:50,110 Where the hell are you getting that? 405 00:14:50,190 --> 00:14:52,070 Oh, my God, Blaire, it's so obvious. 406 00:14:52,150 --> 00:14:53,990 He invites you to his place, he gets you drunk 407 00:14:54,070 --> 00:14:55,280 Okay, I'm not drunk. 408 00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:56,360 What are you talking about? 409 00:14:56,450 --> 00:14:57,830 "I love that there are no croutons." 410 00:14:57,910 --> 00:14:59,250 Yeah, it's called being polite. 411 00:14:59,330 --> 00:15:00,370 When did you become You should fucking try it. 412 00:15:00,450 --> 00:15:01,580 Anti-crouton just for this buttnut? 413 00:15:01,660 --> 00:15:02,910 I'm trying to make fucking conversation. 414 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:04,340 And by the way, I'm guessing this is 415 00:15:04,410 --> 00:15:06,450 the first time he's seen you dressed like this, 416 00:15:06,540 --> 00:15:08,250 as opposed to your usual fashion, 417 00:15:08,330 --> 00:15:10,290 which is basically Melissa Etheridge at a flea market. 418 00:15:10,380 --> 00:15:12,050 I know when I'm being hit on, okay? 419 00:15:12,130 --> 00:15:13,550 I have seven uncles. You know what else? 420 00:15:13,630 --> 00:15:15,170 I'm just going to say it, that salad tastes 421 00:15:15,260 --> 00:15:16,850 like Dustin Hoffman's balls. 422 00:15:16,930 --> 00:15:18,310 Here we go, more wine. 423 00:15:18,390 --> 00:15:22,020 Or should we be naughty and start on the cognac? 424 00:15:22,100 --> 00:15:23,310 Yeah. Listen, we got to go. 425 00:15:23,390 --> 00:15:25,640 I got to take medicine for my diabetes. 426 00:15:25,730 --> 00:15:27,690 Oh, I'm so sorry. You have diabetes? 427 00:15:27,770 --> 00:15:28,860 Oh, yeah, real bad. 428 00:15:28,940 --> 00:15:30,820 Oh. Type 1 or 2? 429 00:15:31,610 --> 00:15:34,410 Well, it started with just one diabete. 430 00:15:34,490 --> 00:15:35,870 And then, you know, left unchecked 431 00:15:35,950 --> 00:15:37,450 I completely understand. 432 00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:41,370 Diabetes killed my mother and my older sister. 433 00:15:41,450 --> 00:15:42,780 Great, thanks for having us. Come on, Blaire. 434 00:15:42,870 --> 00:15:43,910 Let's get the fuck out of here, huh? 435 00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:45,040 Pleasure. 436 00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:46,410 As Borges said, 437 00:15:46,500 --> 00:15:48,670 "With every goodbye, you learn." 438 00:15:48,750 --> 00:15:50,210 As Steinbeck said, 439 00:15:50,290 --> 00:15:53,210 "Farewell has a sweet sound of reluctance. 440 00:15:53,300 --> 00:15:54,970 Goodbye is short and final." 441 00:15:55,050 --> 00:15:57,510 As Hemingway said, "I wonder what this gun tastes like." 442 00:15:57,590 --> 00:15:59,550 All right, come on. Let's go, huh? 443 00:16:04,100 --> 00:16:08,060 Oh, Johnny, you still look so sad. 444 00:16:08,140 --> 00:16:09,520 It's after 9:00. 445 00:16:10,060 --> 00:16:11,900 Ted promised to be back by now. 446 00:16:11,980 --> 00:16:13,940 Oh, I'm sorry, honey. 447 00:16:14,030 --> 00:16:15,660 Well, if you want, you can help me clean 448 00:16:15,740 --> 00:16:17,410 your father's ostrich bite. 449 00:16:17,780 --> 00:16:18,950 Seriously? 450 00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:20,860 That's-that's your best offer, Dad's ass? 451 00:16:20,950 --> 00:16:22,370 Oh. 452 00:16:22,740 --> 00:16:25,080 Well, what if you invited a friend over? 453 00:16:25,290 --> 00:16:27,290 In case you haven't noticed, Ted's my only friend. 454 00:16:27,370 --> 00:16:30,170 That lovely new woman from church, Carol, 455 00:16:30,250 --> 00:16:31,710 said she has a son. 456 00:16:31,790 --> 00:16:33,540 I think he's about your age. 457 00:16:33,630 --> 00:16:34,960 I don't care. 458 00:16:35,050 --> 00:16:38,390 He's probably growing into his body just like you. 459 00:16:39,180 --> 00:16:40,720 Should I invite him over? 460 00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:42,390 What the fuck? No. 461 00:16:42,470 --> 00:16:43,930 I think I'll call Carol. 462 00:16:46,430 --> 00:16:47,680 Why? 463 00:16:47,770 --> 00:16:49,810 Susan, the gauze came off. 464 00:16:49,890 --> 00:16:50,970 It's leaking again. 465 00:16:51,060 --> 00:16:52,650 Susan. 466 00:16:52,730 --> 00:16:55,270 Johnny, meet me in the bathroom with a T-shirt you don't wear. 467 00:16:55,690 --> 00:16:57,480 Nothing with a decal! 468 00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:06,120 Oh, my God. Can you fucking watch the road? 469 00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:07,620 That was a red light. I see it. 470 00:17:07,700 --> 00:17:10,330 I just... I choose not to let it define me. 471 00:17:10,410 --> 00:17:11,790 Pull over. I'm going to drive. 472 00:17:11,870 --> 00:17:13,080 Fuck that. 473 00:17:13,170 --> 00:17:14,420 You're the one who was chugging wine 474 00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:16,670 with that professor of cliterature. 475 00:17:17,170 --> 00:17:18,880 You know, like like literature, but like 476 00:17:18,970 --> 00:17:20,010 Yeah, no. With like, a clitoris. 477 00:17:20,090 --> 00:17:21,130 I know what you mean. All right. 478 00:17:21,220 --> 00:17:22,890 Just checking, God. Jesus Christ. 479 00:17:22,970 --> 00:17:24,720 Yeah, and you're a fucking moron, by the way. 480 00:17:24,850 --> 00:17:25,940 You know that? I'm a moron? 481 00:17:26,010 --> 00:17:27,100 Why am I a moron? 482 00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:28,180 That man is a brilliant writer. 483 00:17:28,270 --> 00:17:29,560 And what are you? 484 00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:31,060 A deadbeat teddy bear with a drug problem. 485 00:17:31,140 --> 00:17:32,980 Hey, at least I have a drug problem. 486 00:17:33,060 --> 00:17:34,310 Wait, what? Sorry. 487 00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:35,650 Fuck. I'm really fucked up, man. 488 00:17:35,730 --> 00:17:37,610 Great, well, you know, maybe then you can 489 00:17:37,690 --> 00:17:39,280 acknowledge the fact that you have no idea 490 00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:40,490 what you're talking about. 491 00:17:40,570 --> 00:17:41,650 Look, will you just shut up and drive? 492 00:17:41,740 --> 00:17:42,740 You're driving! 493 00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:45,870 Oh, fuck! 494 00:17:56,670 --> 00:17:58,590 Okay, that was a red light. 495 00:18:04,970 --> 00:18:06,720 Hey, honey, I'm home. 496 00:18:07,890 --> 00:18:09,020 Ow! 497 00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:11,350 I told you to get the salted crackers. 498 00:18:11,430 --> 00:18:14,270 Johnny, come on downstairs! 499 00:18:20,990 --> 00:18:24,660 John, this is Will, the boy I was telling you about. 500 00:18:24,740 --> 00:18:26,370 Yo, yo, yo. 501 00:18:26,780 --> 00:18:30,370 Will's also looking for something to do on Halloween. 502 00:18:30,450 --> 00:18:32,580 Oh. John needs a friend tonight. 503 00:18:32,660 --> 00:18:36,120 He's upset because his teddy bear's not here. 504 00:18:36,210 --> 00:18:37,540 That's cool, man. 505 00:18:37,630 --> 00:18:40,010 Wow, this place is like a mansion. 506 00:18:40,590 --> 00:18:42,800 I'm going to go make you boys some spooky cookies. 507 00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:44,510 Oh. Boo. 508 00:18:44,590 --> 00:18:47,680 I'll take a lamb chop, though. 509 00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:49,260 If you got one, just get it going. 510 00:18:49,350 --> 00:18:50,430 I'll take it. 511 00:18:50,510 --> 00:18:53,220 It's... So, what do you wanna do? 512 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:54,600 How old are you? 513 00:18:54,690 --> 00:18:55,860 Thirty-eight. 514 00:18:55,940 --> 00:18:57,320 I live with my mom by choice. 515 00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:59,650 Uh-huh. A little bit about myself. 516 00:18:59,730 --> 00:19:02,650 I work in quality control at General Mills. 517 00:19:02,740 --> 00:19:04,740 I inspect every batch of breakfast cereal. 518 00:19:04,820 --> 00:19:07,910 I'm the last line of defense between your mouth 519 00:19:07,990 --> 00:19:09,240 and rat feces. 520 00:19:09,620 --> 00:19:11,250 II hope you're good at your job. 521 00:19:11,330 --> 00:19:13,170 I'm not. Stop eating cereal. 522 00:19:13,750 --> 00:19:15,960 What else is there? 523 00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:17,920 I own every Steely Dan album. 524 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:19,500 I'm an expert dungeon master. 525 00:19:19,590 --> 00:19:21,550 I dabble in animal husbandry. 526 00:19:21,630 --> 00:19:24,010 I guess what I'm trying to say, Johnny, 527 00:19:24,090 --> 00:19:26,300 is you can have it all. 528 00:19:28,010 --> 00:19:29,930 You want a Zima? 529 00:19:30,010 --> 00:19:31,350 A Zino, I'm good. 530 00:19:31,430 --> 00:19:32,810 You want to look at some porn? 531 00:19:33,220 --> 00:19:34,350 You got porn? 532 00:19:34,430 --> 00:19:35,430 Fuck yeah, I got porn. 533 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:37,020 Here, check this out. 534 00:19:40,980 --> 00:19:41,980 These are drawings. 535 00:19:42,070 --> 00:19:43,150 Yeah. 536 00:19:44,940 --> 00:19:48,110 This is-this is porn that you drew. 537 00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:50,450 Yeah, my mom won't let me look at the real stuff 538 00:19:50,530 --> 00:19:51,950 because of the cigarette ads, so... 539 00:19:53,620 --> 00:19:56,160 Why-why are they all... Oh, I can't do hands. 540 00:19:56,250 --> 00:19:57,380 Oh. So... 541 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:00,290 You know what the weirdest part is, man? 542 00:20:00,380 --> 00:20:02,880 Now when a girl has hands, I hate it. 543 00:20:05,340 --> 00:20:07,300 Is that Winona Ryder fucking Lion-O? 544 00:20:07,380 --> 00:20:08,920 That is Winona Ryder fuck... yeah. 545 00:20:09,010 --> 00:20:10,510 I gave her a ton of bush. 546 00:20:10,590 --> 00:20:12,510 I doubt she has that much bush in real life, 547 00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:14,770 but that's the beauty of art, right? 548 00:20:15,100 --> 00:20:16,730 It can be anything we imagine it to be. 549 00:20:17,020 --> 00:20:18,650 His dick is a sword. 550 00:20:18,730 --> 00:20:20,610 You'll never guess what his sword is. 551 00:20:22,230 --> 00:20:23,440 Is it a dick? A dick. 552 00:20:23,690 --> 00:20:24,860 Yeah. It's a dick. 553 00:20:25,900 --> 00:20:27,650 This one gets me so good. 554 00:20:28,110 --> 00:20:29,860 Do you ever look at one that gets you good? 555 00:20:29,950 --> 00:20:32,290 Not a drawing, but not 556 00:20:32,370 --> 00:20:33,660 not before this. 557 00:20:33,740 --> 00:20:34,910 Then you're not doing it right. 558 00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:37,250 Oh. Give them back. 559 00:20:38,540 --> 00:20:41,540 Oh, I can't fucking believe you just did that! 560 00:20:41,630 --> 00:20:43,630 I'm not even halfway done with payments on this car. 561 00:20:44,130 --> 00:20:45,590 Jesus, you paid for this car? 562 00:20:45,670 --> 00:20:47,590 Oh, shut up. It's a great car. 563 00:20:47,670 --> 00:20:49,670 Oh, my God, Blaire, there's a kid in the grill! 564 00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:51,390 What? I'm just kidding. 565 00:20:51,470 --> 00:20:52,470 Look at your face. 566 00:20:52,550 --> 00:20:53,930 Motherfucker! 567 00:20:54,010 --> 00:20:56,350 Yeah, but see, now real life ain't so bad, right? 568 00:20:56,430 --> 00:20:58,060 No, no, we gotta get this thing 569 00:20:58,140 --> 00:20:59,350 towed before the cops show up. 570 00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:01,530 Oh, because we've been drinking. 571 00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:03,600 Yes, Isaac Newton, because we've been fucking drinking. 572 00:21:03,690 --> 00:21:04,860 Well, wait a minute, why don't we 573 00:21:04,940 --> 00:21:06,320 just tell the cops that we started 574 00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:07,740 drinking after we crashed? 575 00:21:07,820 --> 00:21:09,200 Right, we were so pissed about the crash, 576 00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:10,780 that we had nine beers. 577 00:21:11,110 --> 00:21:12,530 You know, that's actually a great idea. 578 00:21:12,780 --> 00:21:13,860 Really? 579 00:21:13,950 --> 00:21:15,370 Yeah. I think you just solved drunk driving. 580 00:21:15,620 --> 00:21:17,460 I did, didn't I? No, you dipshit. 581 00:21:17,540 --> 00:21:19,040 We gotta go find a phone. 582 00:21:26,050 --> 00:21:27,380 Well, what'd they say? 583 00:21:27,460 --> 00:21:29,880 Uh, they said phone is for employees only. 584 00:21:30,300 --> 00:21:32,840 Also, get the fuck out of the kitchen, you drunk. 585 00:21:33,300 --> 00:21:34,380 Shit. Yeah. 586 00:21:34,890 --> 00:21:36,270 Here, I stole you an apple pie. 587 00:21:36,510 --> 00:21:38,300 Oh, thanks. Mm-hmm. 588 00:21:40,140 --> 00:21:41,350 Well, you know, I don't know why 589 00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:43,110 I always think you're not white trash 590 00:21:43,190 --> 00:21:44,190 like the rest of the family. 591 00:21:44,270 --> 00:21:45,400 Fuck you. 592 00:21:45,690 --> 00:21:46,690 Because you are. 593 00:21:46,770 --> 00:21:47,650 Okay, just eat it. 594 00:21:48,230 --> 00:21:50,730 Careful, McDonald's apple pies are always a little hot. 595 00:21:52,070 --> 00:21:53,740 Oh, Jesus Christ! Ah, God! 596 00:21:53,820 --> 00:21:55,450 Why the fuck do they do that? Ah, God! 597 00:21:55,530 --> 00:21:56,780 I don't know. 598 00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:02,960 It's probably cooled off by now, though. 599 00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:04,170 Oh, goddammit! 600 00:22:04,250 --> 00:22:06,340 Oh! 601 00:22:09,130 --> 00:22:11,510 This fucking goddamn night. 602 00:22:21,230 --> 00:22:22,730 Maybe we can call a cab. 603 00:22:22,810 --> 00:22:25,650 I don't have any cash, and you don't have any pockets. 604 00:22:25,730 --> 00:22:27,440 We've got to find a payphone and call home. 605 00:22:31,490 --> 00:22:32,620 Hello? 606 00:22:32,700 --> 00:22:33,830 Will you accept a collect call from this... 607 00:22:33,900 --> 00:22:35,740 No. 608 00:22:35,820 --> 00:22:37,150 Shit. 609 00:22:38,030 --> 00:22:39,160 Oh. 610 00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:41,080 All right, just let me think for a second. 611 00:22:42,580 --> 00:22:44,830 Okay, look, we're not too far from campus. 612 00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:47,510 Why don't we just walk back and use Damon's phone? 613 00:22:47,590 --> 00:22:48,590 That pervert? 614 00:22:48,670 --> 00:22:50,090 What? Fuck no. 615 00:22:50,170 --> 00:22:51,340 Why not? I mean... 616 00:22:51,420 --> 00:22:52,710 Because he's probably back there right now 617 00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:55,090 boiling the cushion you sat on to make soup stock. 618 00:22:55,180 --> 00:22:56,640 Well, you want to get home in time or not? 619 00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:58,310 Blaire, I know you don't see it, okay, 620 00:22:58,390 --> 00:22:59,470 but I don't trust that guy. 621 00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:01,310 Oh, my God. I don't trust him. 622 00:23:01,390 --> 00:23:03,850 I think he's got one thing on his mind, filthy doings. 623 00:23:03,930 --> 00:23:07,060 Okay, look, I get your concern for me, or whatever, 624 00:23:07,150 --> 00:23:08,480 but I'm an adult, okay? 625 00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:09,850 I can take care of myself. 626 00:23:09,940 --> 00:23:11,820 Blaire, have you ever seen an old man penis? 627 00:23:12,070 --> 00:23:14,570 It's like a melted pint of coffee ice cream. 628 00:23:14,650 --> 00:23:16,490 There's a sadness to it, almost like it 629 00:23:16,570 --> 00:23:17,990 remembers how it used to look. 630 00:23:18,070 --> 00:23:20,280 I mean, it looks like like it's trying to hide, 631 00:23:20,370 --> 00:23:21,500 but it's too tired. 632 00:23:21,580 --> 00:23:22,790 No, no. You know what it looks like? 633 00:23:22,870 --> 00:23:24,370 It looks like Bert Lahr when he took 634 00:23:24,460 --> 00:23:27,090 off the Cowardly Lion suit but he still had the makeup on. 635 00:23:27,170 --> 00:23:29,260 It's... oh, shit. 636 00:23:29,340 --> 00:23:30,970 What was the last one you heard? 637 00:23:33,630 --> 00:23:36,340 Let's put on our costumes that we made last night. 638 00:23:36,430 --> 00:23:37,470 Okay. 639 00:23:46,690 --> 00:23:48,150 You like movies? 640 00:23:49,310 --> 00:23:50,690 Yeah. 641 00:23:50,770 --> 00:23:53,150 I got a VHS of rodeo deaths we could watch. 642 00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:54,480 Rodeo deaths? 643 00:23:54,570 --> 00:23:55,860 Yeah. 644 00:23:55,950 --> 00:23:57,530 You know, there's something about real death. 645 00:23:57,610 --> 00:24:01,320 Just like... it just turns you on, you know? 646 00:24:01,620 --> 00:24:03,160 Why is that for all of us? 647 00:24:04,120 --> 00:24:06,000 II honestly can't answer that question. 648 00:24:06,580 --> 00:24:09,380 I'm totally fucking with you. 649 00:24:09,460 --> 00:24:10,750 Oh. 650 00:24:10,830 --> 00:24:12,920 Seriously though, I do have the tape. 651 00:24:13,210 --> 00:24:15,880 We could take off our shirts, just watch it together. 652 00:24:17,420 --> 00:24:19,420 Yeah, yeah. Maybe next time. 653 00:24:19,510 --> 00:24:22,640 I'm fucking with you again. 654 00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:24,390 Oh, my God. You were about to do it. 655 00:24:24,470 --> 00:24:26,430 No, no, I wasn't. You were. 656 00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:27,810 Your shirt's like, halfway off already. 657 00:24:27,890 --> 00:24:29,390 No, it's fucking not. Nah, it could be, though. 658 00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:31,360 We could have it off if we wanted to. 659 00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:32,940 You know what's great? What? 660 00:24:33,020 --> 00:24:34,650 Crack. Ah. 661 00:24:34,730 --> 00:24:35,770 You know how, like, someone's like, 662 00:24:35,860 --> 00:24:36,900 "Oh, I like chocolate cake. 663 00:24:36,990 --> 00:24:38,780 It's so good, it's like crack." 664 00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:41,570 This is actually crack. 665 00:24:41,950 --> 00:24:43,160 Gets a lot of bad press. 666 00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:45,700 Gotta tell you, furthest thing from whack. 667 00:24:45,790 --> 00:24:47,420 Yeah, I'll pass on that. Thanks. 668 00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:49,370 Oh. 669 00:24:49,460 --> 00:24:51,380 Picking up a little bit of a judgy vibe there. 670 00:24:51,460 --> 00:24:52,460 Yeah, it's crack. 671 00:24:52,580 --> 00:24:53,580 Uh, okay. 672 00:24:53,670 --> 00:24:54,880 I bet you have some idiosyncrasies 673 00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:56,420 I might find a little odd. 674 00:24:56,500 --> 00:25:00,090 I don't think crack, like, counts as an idiosyncrasy. 675 00:25:00,180 --> 00:25:01,600 Can I use your phone? 676 00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:03,220 Yeah, yeah, there's one right over there. 677 00:25:03,300 --> 00:25:04,930 Yeah, so I just want to sleep in tomorrow, 678 00:25:05,010 --> 00:25:07,300 so I'm just going to call in a bomb scare to my office. 679 00:25:22,700 --> 00:25:24,160 Well, look who's back. 680 00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:25,530 Us again. 681 00:25:25,620 --> 00:25:27,660 Hey, is it Halloween or is it Christmas? 682 00:25:29,290 --> 00:25:31,040 Come on in. Thank you. 683 00:25:34,380 --> 00:25:35,720 Phone's still busy. 684 00:25:35,790 --> 00:25:37,130 What the fuck is going on over there? 685 00:25:37,210 --> 00:25:39,460 Johnny's probably freaking out wondering where I am. 686 00:25:39,550 --> 00:25:41,640 Professor Damon, we're so sorry 687 00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:42,970 to inconvenience you like this. 688 00:25:43,050 --> 00:25:45,680 Not at all. I'm happy for the company. 689 00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:47,510 Say, as long as I've got you here, 690 00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:48,810 there's something I'd like to show you. 691 00:25:48,890 --> 00:25:50,100 Oh, God. Here it comes. 692 00:25:50,180 --> 00:25:51,850 Just stare at the balls. It'll be better that way. 693 00:25:51,940 --> 00:25:56,650 It's the opening chapter of my next book. 694 00:25:57,230 --> 00:25:59,320 Just finished it yesterday. 695 00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:00,530 Would you like to read it? 696 00:26:01,450 --> 00:26:03,490 Oh, my God. I'd be honored. 697 00:26:03,570 --> 00:26:04,660 Fabulous. 698 00:26:04,740 --> 00:26:06,280 Don't let the typos throw you. 699 00:26:06,370 --> 00:26:08,160 He's a dyslexic narrator. 700 00:26:08,450 --> 00:26:09,990 Ted, why don't you and I play some 701 00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:13,580 billiards while I nervously await Blaire's verdict? 702 00:26:24,510 --> 00:26:25,970 Welcome to my billiard room. 703 00:26:26,430 --> 00:26:28,390 All right, buddy, you and me got to have a little talk. 704 00:26:28,470 --> 00:26:29,640 I'd love to. 705 00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:31,510 How about I freshen your drink first? 706 00:26:32,270 --> 00:26:33,650 Fine. 707 00:27:04,470 --> 00:27:06,100 Whoops. 708 00:27:08,640 --> 00:27:10,310 Hello, Ted. 709 00:27:13,730 --> 00:27:18,110 Uh, what-what's going on there, buddy? 710 00:27:19,230 --> 00:27:21,900 I want to make love to you. 711 00:27:22,690 --> 00:27:23,980 Oh. 712 00:27:24,070 --> 00:27:28,410 I believe forthright honesty is the only approach when you 713 00:27:28,530 --> 00:27:30,120 have feelings for somebody. 714 00:27:35,790 --> 00:27:37,830 I've been waiting all my life for someone like you. 715 00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:42,930 Your furry curves, your boundless whimsy. 716 00:27:43,920 --> 00:27:45,760 It-it has bounds. 717 00:27:45,840 --> 00:27:47,380 I've been going crazy since you 718 00:27:47,470 --> 00:27:48,810 walked out my door tonight. 719 00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:53,100 I want us to have illicit congress together. 720 00:27:53,640 --> 00:27:56,270 You know, Blaire is really into you. 721 00:27:56,350 --> 00:27:58,100 I don't care. 722 00:27:58,190 --> 00:27:59,440 It's you I want. 723 00:27:59,690 --> 00:28:01,070 Yeah, I, uh, 724 00:28:01,150 --> 00:28:02,530 I don't date other bears. 725 00:28:02,610 --> 00:28:04,030 I don't have to be a bear. 726 00:28:04,110 --> 00:28:05,610 I could be a pony if you prefer, 727 00:28:05,690 --> 00:28:09,110 or a bird with colorful plumage and a functioning cloaca. 728 00:28:09,360 --> 00:28:11,740 Yeah, boy, you know, it just wouldn't work out. 729 00:28:11,830 --> 00:28:13,420 I don't care what people would think. 730 00:28:13,830 --> 00:28:16,370 If I could take you on my arm to faculty events, 731 00:28:16,460 --> 00:28:17,960 I wouldn't be embarrassed. 732 00:28:18,290 --> 00:28:21,040 Yeah, that's not the holdup for me. 733 00:28:22,210 --> 00:28:23,380 I see. 734 00:28:24,550 --> 00:28:26,430 So your answer is no. 735 00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:28,600 Hey, Professor, do you mind if I use your bathr... 736 00:28:31,050 --> 00:28:32,390 Blaire. 737 00:28:33,720 --> 00:28:36,510 Any thoughts about the pages you read? 738 00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:40,610 Great. 739 00:28:41,560 --> 00:28:43,350 Uh, they-they were great. 740 00:28:44,150 --> 00:28:45,570 And the homage to Tennyson? 741 00:28:45,650 --> 00:28:46,820 Did that play it all? 742 00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:50,580 Uh, fine. 743 00:28:54,660 --> 00:28:56,120 We'll let ourselves out. 744 00:29:00,250 --> 00:29:02,000 Hey, uh... 745 00:29:02,330 --> 00:29:05,540 You know, if we could just kind of keep this quiet. 746 00:29:05,630 --> 00:29:09,680 I have a reputation as a guy who doesn't do this. 747 00:29:10,090 --> 00:29:11,260 Sure, of course. 748 00:29:11,340 --> 00:29:13,930 On one condition, you make Blaire 749 00:29:14,010 --> 00:29:15,850 your research assistant. 750 00:29:15,930 --> 00:29:17,100 Uh, that's okay, Ted. 751 00:29:17,180 --> 00:29:18,350 No, no. No, no, Blaire, no. 752 00:29:18,430 --> 00:29:20,180 You're wicked smart. You work hard. 753 00:29:20,270 --> 00:29:21,900 You deserve it. He's right, Blaire. 754 00:29:21,980 --> 00:29:23,360 You've got a great analytical mind. 755 00:29:23,690 --> 00:29:25,610 I'm going to have to sleep on that. 756 00:29:25,860 --> 00:29:28,240 Oh, and one more thing, we're going to need your bike. 757 00:29:39,540 --> 00:29:41,210 Oh. Hi, Johnny. 758 00:29:41,290 --> 00:29:44,080 You want to feel some spooky eyeballs? 759 00:29:47,630 --> 00:29:48,880 I'm just kidding. 760 00:29:48,960 --> 00:29:50,750 They're just peeled grapes. 761 00:29:51,470 --> 00:29:53,390 Oh, I'd never really hurt anyone, Johnny. 762 00:29:53,470 --> 00:29:55,510 Mom, I cannot take this guy anymore. 763 00:29:55,600 --> 00:29:56,770 What's the matter? 764 00:29:56,850 --> 00:29:59,060 Will, okay? He's-he's a freak. 765 00:29:59,140 --> 00:30:00,890 He's crazy. Can't you get him to leave? 766 00:30:01,180 --> 00:30:03,060 Well, he's your friend, Johnny. 767 00:30:03,150 --> 00:30:05,400 If you want him to leave, you'll have to ask him. 768 00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:06,610 He's not my friend. 769 00:30:06,690 --> 00:30:09,110 You invited him over. Plus, he's like 40. 770 00:30:09,530 --> 00:30:11,950 Well, I'm 47, and we're friends. 771 00:30:12,030 --> 00:30:13,070 Yeah, you're my mom. 772 00:30:13,160 --> 00:30:15,250 Even when you were still in my guts 773 00:30:15,320 --> 00:30:18,870 you used to kick my cervix, but I knew it was you just saying, 774 00:30:18,950 --> 00:30:22,830 hi, I can't wait to come out and be friends. 775 00:30:24,750 --> 00:30:26,380 Yeah, yeah. Fine, I'll do it. 776 00:30:33,050 --> 00:30:34,760 Oh, my God. 777 00:30:34,840 --> 00:30:36,930 Oh, no, no, no. 778 00:30:37,010 --> 00:30:38,600 All right. Will? 779 00:30:38,680 --> 00:30:39,770 You in there? 780 00:30:39,850 --> 00:30:41,190 Yeah, come on in. 781 00:30:41,270 --> 00:30:43,900 Oh, I cannot believe we're taking 782 00:30:43,980 --> 00:30:45,400 a bath at the same time. 783 00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:47,770 You know, it's like we're taking a bath together. 784 00:30:47,860 --> 00:30:50,240 All right, I got to go. 785 00:30:50,320 --> 00:30:52,610 But I'll-I'll talk to you later, Dad. 786 00:30:52,690 --> 00:30:53,780 I love you. 787 00:30:53,860 --> 00:30:55,610 I love... Ah. 788 00:30:55,700 --> 00:30:56,910 Didn't get him. 789 00:30:57,530 --> 00:30:58,530 What the fuck, dude? 790 00:30:58,620 --> 00:30:59,750 What the fuck what? 791 00:30:59,830 --> 00:31:01,460 Who just comes over to somebody's house 792 00:31:01,540 --> 00:31:02,580 and gets in their tub? 793 00:31:02,660 --> 00:31:04,450 Uh, I do. 794 00:31:04,540 --> 00:31:06,290 It's called making the most out of life. 795 00:31:06,380 --> 00:31:09,880 Some people wait for an invite to the party, I start it. 796 00:31:12,340 --> 00:31:15,180 I seize the moment, Johnny. 797 00:31:15,260 --> 00:31:18,510 You see, perfect example, you've been a drip all night. 798 00:31:19,100 --> 00:31:20,940 Guess what? I've had a killer evening. 799 00:31:21,010 --> 00:31:22,720 You've been all sad. Why? 800 00:31:22,810 --> 00:31:23,980 Because your teddy bear is gone? 801 00:31:24,060 --> 00:31:25,270 That's not how you do life. 802 00:31:25,350 --> 00:31:27,560 You got to grab every chance you can 803 00:31:27,650 --> 00:31:29,280 to make your own happiness. 804 00:31:30,610 --> 00:31:32,320 Why is the water black? 805 00:31:32,530 --> 00:31:35,830 Carpe diem, Johnny, carpe diem. 806 00:31:36,570 --> 00:31:40,570 When you see a chance to turn your day around, grab it! 807 00:31:42,240 --> 00:31:43,660 All right. 808 00:31:44,040 --> 00:31:45,460 Now, I'm going to take a hike. 809 00:31:45,540 --> 00:31:48,960 Hey, you ever need me, 810 00:31:49,040 --> 00:31:51,210 you scratch my name into your arm. 811 00:31:52,050 --> 00:31:53,590 And you'll show up? 812 00:31:53,670 --> 00:31:54,840 I don't know. 813 00:31:54,920 --> 00:31:56,050 Never tried it. 814 00:32:09,810 --> 00:32:11,060 Hi, Matty. 815 00:32:11,570 --> 00:32:12,950 What do you want? 816 00:32:13,020 --> 00:32:15,110 Hey, listen, I felt really bad about Clementine 817 00:32:15,190 --> 00:32:16,400 giving you that bite. 818 00:32:16,490 --> 00:32:18,530 And I wanted to make it up to you. 819 00:32:20,070 --> 00:32:21,070 Eggs? 820 00:32:21,160 --> 00:32:22,290 Ostrich eggs. 821 00:32:22,370 --> 00:32:24,250 Each one is about 24 chicken eggs. 822 00:32:24,330 --> 00:32:26,000 What the hell am I supposed to do with these? 823 00:32:26,080 --> 00:32:27,620 I don't know 24 people. 824 00:32:28,040 --> 00:32:32,000 Carpe diem, Johnny, carpe diem. 825 00:32:32,340 --> 00:32:36,510 When you see a chance to turn your day around, grab it. 826 00:32:37,420 --> 00:32:38,800 You know what's great? 827 00:32:39,010 --> 00:32:40,390 Crack. 828 00:32:40,760 --> 00:32:42,390 Hey, Dad. 829 00:32:51,560 --> 00:32:53,270 Hey, nice robot costume. 830 00:32:53,360 --> 00:32:56,200 Those the boxes your dad used to move out? 831 00:32:56,280 --> 00:32:57,990 Hey, who are you? The Dork Knight? 832 00:32:58,070 --> 00:32:59,740 I'm Batman! 833 00:32:59,820 --> 00:33:01,030 Ow! What the fuck? 834 00:33:01,110 --> 00:33:02,280 You asshole! 835 00:33:02,370 --> 00:33:04,080 Hey, hey, who are you supposed to be? 836 00:33:04,160 --> 00:33:06,750 Olympic figure skater Scott Hamilton. 837 00:33:06,830 --> 00:33:08,750 Oh, man, you're going to have enough trouble. 838 00:33:08,830 --> 00:33:10,040 Keep moving. 839 00:33:16,210 --> 00:33:17,250 Oh, hey, ET! 840 00:33:17,340 --> 00:33:19,220 Take this, you Reese's piece of shit. 841 00:33:25,850 --> 00:33:26,940 Oh, crap. 842 00:33:27,270 --> 00:33:29,270 What the fuck? 843 00:33:29,350 --> 00:33:30,430 Oh, my God. 844 00:33:30,520 --> 00:33:32,190 Is this what we've been doing to people? 845 00:33:32,270 --> 00:33:33,940 We were wrong, Johnny. 846 00:33:34,020 --> 00:33:35,610 We were wrong! 847 00:33:37,900 --> 00:33:39,780 Hey, listen, man, I'm really sorry I 848 00:33:39,860 --> 00:33:41,030 didn't get back in time. 849 00:33:41,110 --> 00:33:42,240 But you know what? 850 00:33:42,320 --> 00:33:43,530 I think it was for the best. 851 00:33:43,620 --> 00:33:44,790 Me too. 852 00:33:44,870 --> 00:33:46,290 I mean, it was kind of nice to see if I could 853 00:33:46,370 --> 00:33:47,910 actually have fun on my own. 854 00:33:47,990 --> 00:33:49,700 That sounds healthy, like growth. 855 00:33:49,790 --> 00:33:51,710 Yeah, it felt like growth. 856 00:33:51,790 --> 00:33:52,920 You grew. 857 00:33:53,250 --> 00:33:54,380 You grew tonight. 858 00:33:54,460 --> 00:33:55,630 I really did. 859 00:33:55,710 --> 00:33:56,710 So how was your night? 860 00:33:56,800 --> 00:33:58,590 I was almost raped by a professor. 861 00:33:58,670 --> 00:34:00,300 But now I got a moped, so it's fine. 862 00:34:00,380 --> 00:34:01,710 Well, now that we know for sure 863 00:34:01,800 --> 00:34:04,550 that we can exist on our own, let's never do it again. 864 00:34:04,640 --> 00:34:06,310 Oh, fuck no. I was dying out there. 865 00:34:06,390 --> 00:34:07,850 Do you want to get high? Absolutely. 866 00:34:07,930 --> 00:34:10,220 Wait. No, not yet. 867 00:34:10,930 --> 00:34:12,680 There's one more thing I got to do tonight. 868 00:34:33,540 --> 00:34:34,710 Help me. Oh, my God! 869 00:34:34,790 --> 00:34:36,040 Jesus Christ! 870 00:34:36,130 --> 00:34:37,340 You scared the shit out of me. 871 00:34:37,420 --> 00:34:39,550 Got you, motherfucker. 872 00:34:39,630 --> 00:34:41,050 Oh, damn. 873 00:34:41,130 --> 00:34:43,720 You know, Blaire, 874 00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:45,010 there actually is something 875 00:34:45,090 --> 00:34:47,130 I came here to tell you. 876 00:34:47,760 --> 00:34:48,850 Okay. 877 00:34:49,560 --> 00:34:51,270 You know, me and Johnny always think you're like, 878 00:34:51,350 --> 00:34:54,690 this buzzkill, but tonight was kind of fun. 879 00:34:55,190 --> 00:34:56,940 You're kind of fucking fun. 880 00:34:57,520 --> 00:34:59,610 Well, I got to admit, I... 881 00:35:00,110 --> 00:35:01,700 I kind of had fun too. 882 00:35:02,110 --> 00:35:04,200 I mean, the towing cost me $80, and I still 883 00:35:04,280 --> 00:35:06,740 don't have a fucking car, but for what it's worth, 884 00:35:06,820 --> 00:35:09,450 I really do appreciate you trying to look out for me, 885 00:35:10,290 --> 00:35:11,630 even if you were wrong. 886 00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:14,330 Oh, by the way, I got something for you. 887 00:35:16,580 --> 00:35:17,830 This is for you. 888 00:35:19,130 --> 00:35:20,630 A McDonald's apple pie? 889 00:35:20,710 --> 00:35:21,790 Yeah, yeah. 890 00:35:21,880 --> 00:35:23,880 I was saving it, but it's all yours. 891 00:35:23,970 --> 00:35:25,390 I've had it in the freezer for two months, 892 00:35:25,470 --> 00:35:27,180 so it's probably cooled off by now. 893 00:35:28,640 --> 00:35:29,720 Oh, my God. Oh, shit, oh, shit. 894 00:35:29,800 --> 00:35:30,890 Get a towel. Get something to cover it. 895 00:35:30,970 --> 00:35:32,220 Get a wet towel. I am. 896 00:35:32,310 --> 00:35:33,480 We're gonna lose the fucking We're all going to die! 897 00:35:38,270 --> 00:35:39,480 Can I help you? 898 00:35:39,560 --> 00:35:40,940 Hey, I'm Carol's son. 899 00:35:41,020 --> 00:35:42,270 I just got home from a party. 900 00:35:42,360 --> 00:35:43,400 My mom told me to come here and hang out 901 00:35:43,490 --> 00:35:44,990 with somebody named John. 902 00:35:45,070 --> 00:35:46,820 Wait, you're Carol's son? 903 00:35:55,040 --> 00:35:59,000 Oh, you've got a headful of someone dreadful 904 00:35:59,080 --> 00:36:03,750 And yet alas, that someone adores you 905 00:36:04,210 --> 00:36:07,840 Everybody needs a best friend 906 00:36:07,930 --> 00:36:10,270 I'm happy I'm yours 907 00:36:10,350 --> 00:36:13,600 I'm just a clown 908 00:36:13,970 --> 00:36:16,850 And I'll bring you down 909 00:36:17,480 --> 00:36:22,900 But you just don't care 'cause your 910 00:36:23,690 --> 00:36:25,980 Best friend is me