1 00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:09,260 My words are lazy 2 00:00:09,340 --> 00:00:11,180 My thoughts are hazy 3 00:00:11,260 --> 00:00:14,310 But this is one thing I'm sure of 4 00:00:14,390 --> 00:00:17,940 Everybody needs a best friend 5 00:00:18,020 --> 00:00:20,730 I'm happy I'm yours 6 00:00:28,450 --> 00:00:29,830 Hey, thanks again for picking us up, Blaire. 7 00:00:29,910 --> 00:00:31,990 Yeah, no problem. What'd you guys end up seeing? 8 00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:33,080 Jurassic Park. 9 00:00:33,160 --> 00:00:34,240 It's, like, the greatest movie 10 00:00:34,330 --> 00:00:35,540 I've ever fucking seen, like, ever. 11 00:00:35,620 --> 00:00:38,250 Yeah, Spielberg actually got real dinosaurs. 12 00:00:38,330 --> 00:00:40,370 Uh, yeah, I don't think so. 13 00:00:40,460 --> 00:00:41,960 No, he did. No, he did. He totally did. 14 00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:43,330 There's no other explanation. 15 00:00:43,420 --> 00:00:46,550 I promise you guys he did not get real dinosaurs. 16 00:00:46,630 --> 00:00:48,340 Well, that's-that's a ignorant thing to say, Blaire, 17 00:00:48,430 --> 00:00:49,560 when you didn't see the movie. 18 00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:52,260 Yeah, no, he made ET and he made Jaws 19 00:00:52,350 --> 00:00:53,390 and this was his reward. 20 00:00:53,470 --> 00:00:54,550 He got real dinosaurs to play with. 21 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:55,640 It all adds up. 22 00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:57,100 My only criticism of the movie 23 00:00:57,230 --> 00:00:59,480 who has open cups of water in the car? 24 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:00,810 Oh yeah, that was weird. 25 00:01:00,900 --> 00:01:02,440 Yeah, it's like, you want a lid for that water? 26 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:04,360 Nah, that's okay. I'm just riding in the jungle. 27 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:05,940 Oh, hey, can we stop by the video store? 28 00:01:06,030 --> 00:01:07,030 I want to rent a movie. 29 00:01:07,610 --> 00:01:08,860 You just saw a movie. 30 00:01:08,950 --> 00:01:10,660 Yeah, I know. And now, we got dinosaur fever. 31 00:01:10,740 --> 00:01:12,620 We want to see more movies with dinosaurs. 32 00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:16,080 Fine, but you got to be quick. I got plans tonight. 33 00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:17,830 Oh, yeah? What-what do you got going on? 34 00:01:18,460 --> 00:01:19,550 Just stuff. 35 00:01:19,620 --> 00:01:20,620 Like college stuff? 36 00:01:20,710 --> 00:01:21,880 Yes. 37 00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:23,170 Toga party? No. 38 00:01:23,250 --> 00:01:24,460 Fucking rush week? 39 00:01:24,540 --> 00:01:25,540 No. 40 00:01:25,630 --> 00:01:26,630 Fucking around with the new pledges, 41 00:01:26,710 --> 00:01:28,130 but then Diane goes a little too far 42 00:01:28,220 --> 00:01:29,510 and something horrible happens, 43 00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:31,760 but then you all kind of work together to cover it up 44 00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:32,970 and then the next day, 45 00:01:33,050 --> 00:01:34,260 you just go to class like nothing happened 46 00:01:34,350 --> 00:01:35,770 but now you're all bonded for life 47 00:01:35,850 --> 00:01:37,100 by, like, a horrible secret, 48 00:01:37,180 --> 00:01:38,640 and it seems like it's all going to be okay 49 00:01:38,730 --> 00:01:40,320 but then Rachel seems a little shaky 50 00:01:40,390 --> 00:01:42,140 and you wonder if she's going to be a problem? 51 00:01:42,230 --> 00:01:43,940 What the fuck are you talking about? 52 00:01:44,020 --> 00:01:45,560 I'm just making conversation. 53 00:01:53,870 --> 00:01:56,500 Okay, you got five minutes. Hurry up and pick something. 54 00:01:56,580 --> 00:01:57,580 Okay. 55 00:02:10,970 --> 00:02:12,350 Hey, Teddy. Yeah? 56 00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:13,970 You ever seen a porno? 57 00:02:14,470 --> 00:02:16,310 Yeah, I saw a lot of them when I was out in Hollywood. 58 00:02:16,640 --> 00:02:18,270 They as awesome as people say? 59 00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:19,720 They are, Johnny. 60 00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:21,810 What are they like? 61 00:02:21,890 --> 00:02:23,310 Well, you turn it on, you settle in, 62 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:24,650 you get your Kleenex and your lotion, 63 00:02:24,730 --> 00:02:26,690 and you you fucking go to town. 64 00:02:26,900 --> 00:02:28,150 Wow. 65 00:02:28,230 --> 00:02:29,360 Sounds amazing. 66 00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:30,730 Yeah, especially afterward when it's over 67 00:02:30,820 --> 00:02:32,700 and you think about what you did. 68 00:02:32,780 --> 00:02:33,910 Really? 69 00:02:33,990 --> 00:02:35,240 Yeah, and you clean yourself up 70 00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:36,360 but the porn's still going on in the background, 71 00:02:36,450 --> 00:02:38,330 but it seems twice as loud now. 72 00:02:38,410 --> 00:02:39,830 And even though you didn't leave the house, 73 00:02:39,910 --> 00:02:42,160 you know you've contributed to a woman's nightmare. 74 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:45,840 Oh, and you can't shove that sock in the hamper deep enough. 75 00:02:46,290 --> 00:02:48,130 Man, every time I come in here and I see those doors, 76 00:02:48,210 --> 00:02:50,630 it's like it's so mysterious. 77 00:02:51,510 --> 00:02:54,060 The private, exclusive adults only room. 78 00:03:12,150 --> 00:03:14,360 Master John, Master Ted. 79 00:03:14,700 --> 00:03:17,120 I'm so delighted that you've joined us. 80 00:03:17,490 --> 00:03:20,450 Are we thinking of renting some pornography this evening? 81 00:03:20,540 --> 00:03:21,830 Indeed, we are, Lloyd. 82 00:03:21,910 --> 00:03:23,290 Splendid, splendid. 83 00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:26,080 We have quite a fine selection for your perusal. 84 00:03:26,170 --> 00:03:28,010 Mm, well, what would you recommend? 85 00:03:28,380 --> 00:03:29,510 Your preference, sir. 86 00:03:29,590 --> 00:03:31,510 Would you like to feel in charge, 87 00:03:31,590 --> 00:03:33,430 or like an itty, bitty baby? 88 00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:36,010 I do believe I would like to feel like a baby. 89 00:03:36,090 --> 00:03:39,130 No one has ever chosen the other one, sir. 90 00:03:39,220 --> 00:03:40,850 Yes, I would imagine not. 91 00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:43,520 Very good, sir. 92 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:46,140 I'll be right back with your cream and kerchief. 93 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:47,900 How's the wife, Lloyd? 94 00:03:48,110 --> 00:03:52,070 Well, sir, I'm afraid that Clara passed away last month. 95 00:03:52,150 --> 00:03:54,110 Oh, Lloyd, we're so very sorry. 96 00:03:54,190 --> 00:03:56,360 Thank you, sir. She fought bravely, 97 00:03:56,450 --> 00:03:58,490 but there was nothing the doctors could do. 98 00:03:58,780 --> 00:04:00,620 And how is your son taking the loss? 99 00:04:00,700 --> 00:04:03,080 We haven't spoken since she passed away, sir. 100 00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:06,120 I'm afraid that Jeremy blames me for his mother's death. 101 00:04:06,420 --> 00:04:07,500 How terrible. 102 00:04:07,580 --> 00:04:09,000 Thank heaven I have my work. 103 00:04:09,330 --> 00:04:12,210 Elsewise, I'm not sure I could go on living myself. 104 00:04:12,590 --> 00:04:15,090 Well, enjoy your pornography, sir. 105 00:04:16,630 --> 00:04:17,800 Jesus. 106 00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:20,380 Your fantasy includes the guy losing his wife and family? 107 00:04:20,470 --> 00:04:21,470 Well I mean, the son didn't die, 108 00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:22,770 they're just estranged. 109 00:04:22,850 --> 00:04:23,930 I just feel like 110 00:04:24,060 --> 00:04:26,230 by putting all that on him, it distracts from our story. 111 00:04:27,390 --> 00:04:28,470 Teddy, you want to go in there? 112 00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:29,810 In the back room? 113 00:04:29,900 --> 00:04:30,940 Yeah. 114 00:04:31,020 --> 00:04:32,190 Yeah, don't you think it's about time 115 00:04:32,270 --> 00:04:33,520 I rented my first porno? 116 00:04:33,860 --> 00:04:35,650 Well, I hope you've gotten everything done 117 00:04:35,740 --> 00:04:37,580 that you need to get done ever. 118 00:04:37,650 --> 00:04:38,690 Why? 119 00:04:38,780 --> 00:04:39,950 Oh, you'll see. Come on, let's do it. 120 00:04:41,950 --> 00:04:44,870 Hey! No one under 18 in the adult section! 121 00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:46,370 Ah, shit. 122 00:04:46,460 --> 00:04:47,840 It's all right, Johnny. I'll go and get it. 123 00:04:47,910 --> 00:04:48,950 You hear me? 124 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:50,500 I said no one under 18! 125 00:04:50,580 --> 00:04:52,080 It's all right, buddy. It's just me. 126 00:04:52,170 --> 00:04:55,510 You came to life in 1985. That makes you what, eight? 127 00:04:55,590 --> 00:04:57,010 Dude, it's a little different. 128 00:04:57,090 --> 00:04:58,720 No. Rules are rules! 129 00:04:58,800 --> 00:04:59,930 Ah, shit. 130 00:05:01,970 --> 00:05:04,260 Wow, what an amazing selection! 131 00:05:04,350 --> 00:05:06,190 These are all so erotic! 132 00:05:06,270 --> 00:05:07,270 All right, if you guys are done 133 00:05:07,350 --> 00:05:09,310 humiliating yourselves in public, can we get out of here? 134 00:05:09,900 --> 00:05:11,230 Uh, Blaire. 135 00:05:11,310 --> 00:05:12,350 I'm not renting you porn. 136 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:13,690 Oh, come on, you gotta. 137 00:05:13,770 --> 00:05:14,770 No, I don't. 138 00:05:14,860 --> 00:05:15,860 Blaire, I'm already 16. 139 00:05:16,150 --> 00:05:18,320 Okay, if I was Mormon, I'd be a grandfather by now. 140 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:20,280 Blaire, be a pal, huh? Just this once. 141 00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:21,860 I'm basically an adult already, okay? 142 00:05:21,950 --> 00:05:23,870 I just want to watch an adult movie. 143 00:05:25,410 --> 00:05:26,580 All right, fine. 144 00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:28,040 What? What? 145 00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:29,120 I don't have time to stand here all day and argue. 146 00:05:29,210 --> 00:05:30,590 Okay, just go wait in the car. 147 00:05:30,670 --> 00:05:32,090 Holy shit. Fucking awesome! Oh, my God, Blaire! 148 00:05:32,170 --> 00:05:33,500 You're fucking amazing, Blaire! Wow, Thank you so much! 149 00:05:33,590 --> 00:05:34,840 Blaire, this is fucking awesome! 150 00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:36,800 Thank you so much! Oh, you're the fucking best! 151 00:05:37,550 --> 00:05:38,970 Oh, and whatever seems grossest to you, 152 00:05:39,050 --> 00:05:40,180 that's probably what we're going to like. 153 00:05:40,260 --> 00:05:41,510 I'm going to count to three. Okay. 154 00:05:44,470 --> 00:05:46,060 All right, you guys. Enjoy the movie. 155 00:05:46,140 --> 00:05:47,560 Oh, we will. 156 00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:49,480 Oh, and don't be thrown when you turn it on. 157 00:05:49,560 --> 00:05:50,650 It's black and white. 158 00:05:51,140 --> 00:05:52,180 Even better. Yeah, finally. 159 00:05:52,270 --> 00:05:53,900 We're telling their stories. Yeah, love that. 160 00:05:53,980 --> 00:05:55,070 Representation matters. 161 00:05:55,150 --> 00:05:56,150 Glad to hear it. 162 00:05:57,230 --> 00:05:59,480 Okay. Here we go. 163 00:05:59,570 --> 00:06:01,820 We got at least an hour before Mom gets back. 164 00:06:05,450 --> 00:06:07,410 All right, porno time! 165 00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:11,040 Whoa. The 400 Blows. 166 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:13,580 Whoever this guy is, he's going to be a nub by the end of it. 167 00:06:13,670 --> 00:06:15,670 Ah, French fucking. All right. 168 00:06:15,750 --> 00:06:17,250 Little hairy, but I'm on board. 169 00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:22,220 That's what the fucking's going to sound like. 170 00:06:29,180 --> 00:06:31,640 Jesus, how the fuck long has this been going on? 171 00:06:31,730 --> 00:06:33,020 You guys enjoying the movie? 172 00:06:33,100 --> 00:06:34,640 No! It sucks! 173 00:06:34,730 --> 00:06:36,480 How the fuck is this a porno? 174 00:06:36,570 --> 00:06:39,530 Well, I rented you guys an adult movie, 175 00:06:39,610 --> 00:06:41,990 as in a movie for adults. 176 00:06:42,070 --> 00:06:43,610 Oh, you suck. 177 00:06:43,700 --> 00:06:45,740 No, no, but wait, they were talking about ball sacks. 178 00:06:45,820 --> 00:06:46,820 Balzac. 179 00:06:46,950 --> 00:06:47,950 Yeah, exactly. So where were they? 180 00:06:48,030 --> 00:06:49,780 Are saying you don't like the film? 181 00:06:49,870 --> 00:06:52,410 No! No, there's no sex at all in this movie. 182 00:06:52,500 --> 00:06:53,630 Just ennui. 183 00:06:53,870 --> 00:06:54,870 I did you a favor. 184 00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:56,420 No, we want to look at genitals. 185 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:57,960 Trust me, it's overrated. 186 00:06:58,040 --> 00:06:59,880 Wait, what do you mean? You watch porn? 187 00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:00,960 Uh, no. 188 00:07:01,090 --> 00:07:02,760 But a guy from my school did 189 00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:05,010 mail me a photo of his dick last semester. 190 00:07:05,180 --> 00:07:06,180 Oh. 191 00:07:06,260 --> 00:07:07,600 He even shot it in sepia tone. 192 00:07:08,010 --> 00:07:09,680 Wait, so it was, like, all old-timey? 193 00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:10,930 Yeah. 194 00:07:11,020 --> 00:07:12,690 Like, "This penis is a Dust Bowl orphan"? 195 00:07:12,770 --> 00:07:13,900 You want the kicker? 196 00:07:13,980 --> 00:07:14,980 It was flaccid. 197 00:07:15,060 --> 00:07:16,310 Wait, so he didn't even do the work? 198 00:07:16,810 --> 00:07:19,810 Nope. Just a flaccid dick with a fancy filter. 199 00:07:20,150 --> 00:07:21,900 Well, I guess even a great director 200 00:07:21,990 --> 00:07:23,410 can't save a bad script. 201 00:07:23,490 --> 00:07:25,160 Anyway, enjoy the movie, guys. 202 00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:26,240 It's a classic. 203 00:07:29,370 --> 00:07:30,500 Fuck this. 204 00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:49,680 Everyone, Matty and I have some news. 205 00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:51,680 Oh, man. It finally happened. 206 00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:54,180 Look, I'm sure this was a tough decision to make, 207 00:07:54,270 --> 00:07:56,360 but there's no sense in postponing the inevitable. 208 00:07:56,440 --> 00:07:57,570 You know what? 209 00:07:57,690 --> 00:07:58,690 Not every marriage is meant to last forever. 210 00:07:58,770 --> 00:07:59,980 And at a certain point, 211 00:08:00,070 --> 00:08:01,200 you're just throwing good years out the bag. 212 00:08:01,270 --> 00:08:02,270 We're going out to dinner. 213 00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:03,690 Hey! That's... 214 00:08:03,780 --> 00:08:05,030 one of my favorite meals. 215 00:08:05,110 --> 00:08:06,490 We're going to go out, 216 00:08:06,570 --> 00:08:08,990 we're going to have a nice, romantic evening tomorrow. 217 00:08:09,070 --> 00:08:11,450 Just the two of us just because. 218 00:08:11,530 --> 00:08:13,120 And we're going to have a lovely time. 219 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:14,450 That's right. 220 00:08:14,540 --> 00:08:16,790 My wife deserves a night out just for being her. 221 00:08:16,870 --> 00:08:18,370 We're going to have a... we're going to have a great meal, 222 00:08:18,460 --> 00:08:19,500 and it's going to be terrific! 223 00:08:19,580 --> 00:08:20,620 Jesus. 224 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:22,050 Take it easy. What? 225 00:08:22,130 --> 00:08:24,050 I'm fucking happy. It's going to be a great night. 226 00:08:24,380 --> 00:08:25,880 You know, I wonder if years from now, we'll find out 227 00:08:25,970 --> 00:08:28,760 this was all just one big, long heart attack. 228 00:08:29,180 --> 00:08:30,680 Teddy, can I speak to you in private? 229 00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:31,970 Okay, this is perfect. 230 00:08:32,060 --> 00:08:33,270 Mom and Dad are going to be out of the house 231 00:08:33,350 --> 00:08:34,350 and Blaire's got school. 232 00:08:34,430 --> 00:08:35,810 There will never be a better time. 233 00:08:35,980 --> 00:08:36,980 For what? 234 00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:38,730 To rent a real porno. 235 00:08:38,810 --> 00:08:40,060 Well, how are we supposed to do it? 236 00:08:40,150 --> 00:08:42,070 That butt nut in the store says we got to be 18. 237 00:08:42,150 --> 00:08:43,820 There's a different guy that comes in at 6:00 238 00:08:43,900 --> 00:08:45,030 for the night shift, all right? 239 00:08:45,110 --> 00:08:46,280 We get fake IDs, 240 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:48,450 we go in after 6:00, we can rent that porno. 241 00:08:48,530 --> 00:08:49,950 I don't know, Johnny. It's a risk. 242 00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:51,740 I mean, if we get caught... Teddy. 243 00:08:51,830 --> 00:08:53,790 Watching other people have sex on a TV screen, 244 00:08:53,870 --> 00:08:56,160 that's just about the coolest thing a person can do. 245 00:08:56,250 --> 00:08:57,590 It's worth the risk. 246 00:08:57,660 --> 00:09:00,080 By this time tomorrow, that dream could be ours. 247 00:09:00,630 --> 00:09:02,340 All right. Let's get some sleep. 248 00:09:02,420 --> 00:09:04,510 We jerk at first light. Right. 249 00:09:16,020 --> 00:09:17,730 Okay. Two fake IDs. 250 00:09:17,810 --> 00:09:18,810 That'll be 50 bucks. 251 00:09:19,350 --> 00:09:21,140 We got that same VCR at home. 252 00:09:21,230 --> 00:09:22,230 I don't give a shit. 253 00:09:22,310 --> 00:09:23,560 Right there. 254 00:09:23,770 --> 00:09:25,360 My whole allowance for eight weeks. 255 00:09:25,780 --> 00:09:28,990 All right, here we go. Enjoy your new lives as adults. 256 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:31,150 Jesus Christ, how old is this guy? 257 00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:32,490 Looks like he's 40. 258 00:09:32,570 --> 00:09:34,030 Hey, you'll be fine, all right? 259 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:36,080 Although Ted's took a little bit of work. 260 00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:38,450 I-I can't use this. Why not? 261 00:09:38,540 --> 00:09:40,580 It looks like Bob Ross. 262 00:09:40,670 --> 00:09:43,130 It is. It is Bob... This is Bob Ross. 263 00:09:43,210 --> 00:09:44,290 Well, you're a tough fit, pal. 264 00:09:44,380 --> 00:09:45,880 It was either him or a pair of UGG boots. 265 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,710 Oh, yeah, laugh it up now, but pretty soon, 266 00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:51,340 I'll be having an orgasm next to my friend. 267 00:09:51,430 --> 00:09:52,600 Yeah! 268 00:10:09,530 --> 00:10:10,700 Wait, wait, not yet! Not yet! 269 00:10:10,780 --> 00:10:12,450 That other bastard's still there. 270 00:10:12,530 --> 00:10:13,950 Act like we're just here to rent a movie. 271 00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:16,320 Ah, yes. 272 00:10:16,410 --> 00:10:18,540 This looks like a good, non-sexual film. 273 00:10:18,620 --> 00:10:20,120 Oh, yes, I have heard many great, 274 00:10:20,210 --> 00:10:22,170 non-sexual things about this movie. 275 00:10:22,250 --> 00:10:25,210 Peter Travers calls it "a sex-free laugh riot." 276 00:10:25,290 --> 00:10:29,130 Time magazine says, "about as erotic as mom's diarrhea." 277 00:10:29,550 --> 00:10:30,840 The fuck? 278 00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:32,340 What? The fuck was that? 279 00:10:32,430 --> 00:10:34,060 What do you mean? I'm just expanding on your thing. 280 00:10:34,140 --> 00:10:35,230 That's not what I was doing. 281 00:10:35,300 --> 00:10:37,550 Improv's all about "Yes, and..." okay? 282 00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:39,480 You can't just shut me down like that in the middle of a scene. 283 00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:41,230 Don't do "mom's diarrhea," 284 00:10:41,310 --> 00:10:43,020 and then tell me how I'm fucking supposed to do improv. 285 00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:44,680 Jesus Christ. 286 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:47,480 Hey. Hey. 287 00:10:47,570 --> 00:10:48,570 All right. 288 00:10:48,650 --> 00:10:49,650 I'm out of here. Later. 289 00:10:49,780 --> 00:10:50,820 Have a good one. 290 00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:53,240 All right, let's move. 291 00:10:53,780 --> 00:10:55,910 Excuse me. Uh-uh. Adults only. 292 00:10:55,990 --> 00:10:57,160 Ah, yes. Of course. 293 00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,080 How forgetful of us. Oh, don't worry. 294 00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:01,250 This, uh, this happens all the time. 295 00:11:01,790 --> 00:11:02,960 I understand your mistake. 296 00:11:07,170 --> 00:11:08,260 Oh, my God. 297 00:11:08,340 --> 00:11:09,340 What? 298 00:11:09,550 --> 00:11:11,090 You're Bob Ross! 299 00:11:11,170 --> 00:11:12,420 Uh, yes. 300 00:11:12,510 --> 00:11:13,760 Yes, I am. 301 00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:15,760 Mr. Ross, I am a huge fan of yours. 302 00:11:16,220 --> 00:11:17,390 Oh, uh, well, thanks. 303 00:11:17,470 --> 00:11:18,970 I love your whole artistic philosophy. 304 00:11:19,060 --> 00:11:21,440 The way you assign a motion to every tree and cloud. 305 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:22,930 Yeah, well, great. 306 00:11:23,020 --> 00:11:24,400 Um, listen, we're going to head to the adult section 307 00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:26,570 and find ourselves a happy, little bush. 308 00:11:26,650 --> 00:11:28,400 See you in a bit. 309 00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:33,360 Okay. 310 00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:35,240 Wow. 311 00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:36,320 Looks like you're having quite a marathon. 312 00:11:36,450 --> 00:11:38,740 Uh, yes. It's for a fundraiser. 313 00:11:38,830 --> 00:11:40,420 Oh, for what? 314 00:11:40,490 --> 00:11:41,870 Jerking... 315 00:11:41,950 --> 00:11:43,830 for Muscular Dystrophy. 316 00:11:43,910 --> 00:11:45,540 Oh, yeah. JMD, of course. 317 00:11:45,620 --> 00:11:48,370 Hey, is there a limit on how many tapes you can rent? 318 00:11:48,460 --> 00:11:50,250 Not for you, Mr. Ross. 319 00:11:50,340 --> 00:11:51,880 All right, these tapes are due back Thursday. 320 00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:54,250 There's an $80 fee for any missing or damaged tapes. 321 00:11:54,340 --> 00:11:55,340 That's a lot of money. 322 00:11:55,470 --> 00:11:56,640 That's a lot of porn. 323 00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:58,810 You know, other people want to masturbate, too! 324 00:11:58,890 --> 00:12:00,100 Not tonight, pal. 325 00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:04,730 Okay. 326 00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:13,070 Look at this place. 327 00:12:13,150 --> 00:12:15,190 Isn't this a magical night? 328 00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:17,320 My sock's got a big hole in it. 329 00:12:17,740 --> 00:12:19,870 If I tear it off, will you shove it in your purse? 330 00:12:19,950 --> 00:12:21,450 Oh, look, Matty! 331 00:12:21,910 --> 00:12:24,830 They have a whole man just for the pepper! 332 00:12:24,910 --> 00:12:26,870 Oh, let's get something that needs pepper. 333 00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:28,130 When I was his age, 334 00:12:28,210 --> 00:12:30,170 I was liberating Nha Trang hut by hut. 335 00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:32,840 But yeah, sure. Pepper boy's good, too. 336 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:36,130 Gosh, everything's just so fancy-schmancy. 337 00:12:36,550 --> 00:12:38,300 I feel like Academy Awards. 338 00:12:38,380 --> 00:12:40,380 Hi there. How are we doing tonight, folks? 339 00:12:40,470 --> 00:12:42,100 My sock's bugging me. 340 00:12:42,510 --> 00:12:44,050 Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. 341 00:12:44,140 --> 00:12:45,520 Can I take your order? 342 00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:47,520 Matty, he's so sweet. 343 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:48,680 What's your name? 344 00:12:48,770 --> 00:12:50,150 Kevin, ma'am. 345 00:12:50,230 --> 00:12:52,070 Kevin, you go home, you call your mother, 346 00:12:52,150 --> 00:12:54,150 and you tell her Susan Bennett from Framingham 347 00:12:54,230 --> 00:12:56,650 said you did an excellent job. 348 00:12:56,990 --> 00:12:58,700 My mother has advanced Alzheimer's. 349 00:12:58,780 --> 00:13:00,740 She has no idea who I am. 350 00:13:00,820 --> 00:13:02,320 I'll have the crab. 351 00:13:02,410 --> 00:13:04,040 Let me ask you a question there, Kevo. 352 00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:06,040 Why is the New York strip 24 bucks, 353 00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:08,210 but at Rico's Market, it's like 8? 354 00:13:08,290 --> 00:13:10,090 Well, supermarket prices and restaurant prices 355 00:13:10,170 --> 00:13:11,380 are different... Yeah, yeah, yeah. 356 00:13:11,460 --> 00:13:14,000 It's a pretty sweet markup, 16 bucks for heat. 357 00:13:14,090 --> 00:13:15,880 That seem fair to you, Kevo? 358 00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:17,500 You could order the junior steak 359 00:13:17,590 --> 00:13:19,050 off the kids menu for $9. 360 00:13:19,130 --> 00:13:21,590 Now we're getting somewhere. Okay. 361 00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:23,680 See that, Susan? He blinked first. 362 00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:24,890 Comes with your choice 363 00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:26,890 of an activity booklet or a silly straw. 364 00:13:26,980 --> 00:13:27,980 Both, Kevo. 365 00:13:28,060 --> 00:13:29,440 Pile it high and good! 366 00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:30,600 Yes, sir. 367 00:13:30,690 --> 00:13:32,190 Here you go. Thank you. 368 00:13:32,270 --> 00:13:34,230 Hang on. Do me a favor. 369 00:13:35,980 --> 00:13:36,980 Throw this out for me, would you? 370 00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:43,790 Wouldn't it be fun to be a waiter on a cruise ship? 371 00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:48,290 Because when you're done, you're already home. 372 00:13:49,750 --> 00:13:51,340 I'm going to tell him that. 373 00:13:53,790 --> 00:13:55,250 All right, here we go. 374 00:13:55,340 --> 00:13:57,090 Porno time, porno time 375 00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:58,670 Porno, porno, porno time! 376 00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:00,010 Porno time! 377 00:14:00,090 --> 00:14:01,220 All right, let's put one in. All right. 378 00:14:01,300 --> 00:14:02,340 Wait, wait. Hang on a second. 379 00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:04,640 Before we start, we got to have some ground rules. 380 00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:05,800 What do you mean? 381 00:14:05,890 --> 00:14:07,480 Well, like, where are you sitting? 382 00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:08,560 On the couch. 383 00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:11,140 Oh, no, no, no, no. I don't want you in my eyeline. 384 00:14:11,230 --> 00:14:13,520 Okay, we could, like, build a divider or something, 385 00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:14,890 like a pillow fort. 386 00:14:14,980 --> 00:14:16,520 Yeah, I don't know. Maybe we should watch alone. 387 00:14:16,610 --> 00:14:17,650 Like in shifts. 388 00:14:18,070 --> 00:14:19,070 Yeah, I don't want to watch porn alone. 389 00:14:19,150 --> 00:14:20,360 That feels tragic. 390 00:14:20,490 --> 00:14:21,950 All right, then we'll watch it together. 391 00:14:22,030 --> 00:14:23,200 Yeah, well that feels creepy. 392 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:24,570 John, we're watching porn. 393 00:14:24,660 --> 00:14:26,160 It's either going to be creepy or tragic. 394 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:27,330 Those are the choices. 395 00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:28,870 All right, let's go with creepy. 396 00:14:28,950 --> 00:14:30,200 Which one are we starting with? 397 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:34,040 How is everything? 398 00:14:34,130 --> 00:14:35,920 Oh, it's just wonderful. 399 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,130 Not good, Kevo. 400 00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:38,800 The word "apple" ain't in here anywhere. 401 00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:40,670 They allow diagonal, sir. 402 00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:43,350 Well, they should put that in the goddamn directions! 403 00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:44,970 I'll tell the chef. 404 00:14:45,180 --> 00:14:46,350 Yeah. 405 00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:48,430 Matty, you have to try this crab. 406 00:14:48,510 --> 00:14:49,550 No, I'm fine. 407 00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:50,890 Oh, just one bite. It's so delicious. 408 00:14:50,980 --> 00:14:52,190 I'm fine. I got my own food. 409 00:14:52,270 --> 00:14:53,730 Just a baby bite. I don't want any. 410 00:14:53,810 --> 00:14:55,730 Just try. Just one bite. Jesus Christ, Susan. 411 00:14:55,810 --> 00:14:56,980 Why is it always so important 412 00:14:57,070 --> 00:14:58,280 that I have some of what you ordered? 413 00:14:58,360 --> 00:14:59,780 I want you to have some of this 414 00:14:59,860 --> 00:15:01,200 because I think you'll like it. 415 00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:02,320 Well if I wanted the goddamn crab, 416 00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:03,820 I would have ordered the goddamn crab! 417 00:15:03,910 --> 00:15:05,040 But in the car on the way home, 418 00:15:05,110 --> 00:15:06,320 I can say, wasn't it good? And you'll know. 419 00:15:06,410 --> 00:15:07,830 For fuck's sake! All right! 420 00:15:07,910 --> 00:15:09,950 You'll know. All right! 421 00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:17,630 Oh, goddamn it. 422 00:15:17,710 --> 00:15:18,840 Goddamn it! 423 00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:19,920 That's better than what I ordered! 424 00:15:20,090 --> 00:15:21,970 You see? I knew you'd like it. 425 00:15:22,170 --> 00:15:23,300 Shit! 426 00:15:23,380 --> 00:15:24,550 I can't wait to talk about it later. 427 00:15:24,630 --> 00:15:27,220 I wish we were in the car right now. 428 00:15:27,300 --> 00:15:28,550 Here. 429 00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:29,930 I got something for you. 430 00:15:30,770 --> 00:15:32,150 Oh, Matty, what is it? 431 00:15:32,230 --> 00:15:33,400 Just open it. Be careful. 432 00:15:37,860 --> 00:15:38,860 A nail? 433 00:15:38,940 --> 00:15:39,940 Yeah. 434 00:15:40,110 --> 00:15:41,320 Just before you're finished, 435 00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:42,610 put that in what's left of your food 436 00:15:42,690 --> 00:15:44,320 and then "find" it. 437 00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:45,780 Whole night will be comped. 438 00:15:45,860 --> 00:15:46,950 Hey, Kevo! 439 00:15:47,030 --> 00:15:48,530 Hi, I'm Brad. 440 00:15:48,620 --> 00:15:50,000 Kevin quit. 441 00:15:51,330 --> 00:15:52,460 Oh, how about this one? 442 00:15:52,540 --> 00:15:54,460 Interracial Butt Fest. 443 00:15:54,540 --> 00:15:56,250 Oh, thank you, Dr. King. 444 00:15:56,750 --> 00:15:58,460 Anal Screwlympics VIII. 445 00:15:58,540 --> 00:16:00,630 I didn't see the first seven. I'm not going to understand it. 446 00:16:00,710 --> 00:16:03,000 Man, this guy's running his own three-legged race. 447 00:16:03,670 --> 00:16:05,550 Oh, let's start with this one. 448 00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:17,770 You sure that's going to work? 449 00:16:17,900 --> 00:16:19,110 Yeah, I don't know. 450 00:16:19,190 --> 00:16:21,110 But all I'm thinking about right now is my dead relatives. 451 00:16:21,230 --> 00:16:22,270 Why? 452 00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:23,360 Well, Father White once said 453 00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:24,900 that if you ever masturbate, 454 00:16:24,990 --> 00:16:26,990 then all your dead relatives are up in heaven watching you. 455 00:16:27,490 --> 00:16:28,910 How is that heaven? 456 00:16:28,990 --> 00:16:30,410 Boy, you know, that is a great point. 457 00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:31,620 I mean, are they up there like, 458 00:16:31,700 --> 00:16:32,990 "Hey, you want to go to Abe Lincoln's house?" 459 00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:34,120 "Yeah, I'd like to, 460 00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:35,240 but my nephew is gonna jerk off, 461 00:16:35,330 --> 00:16:36,540 so I got to go watch that." 462 00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:37,660 Okay, so we're fine. 463 00:16:47,430 --> 00:16:48,760 All right. 464 00:16:50,180 --> 00:16:51,850 Oh, he's a doctor. 465 00:16:51,930 --> 00:16:54,220 Looks like it's his first day at a new hospital. 466 00:16:54,310 --> 00:16:55,350 And that's usually the day 467 00:16:55,430 --> 00:16:56,510 you have sex with everyone, right? 468 00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:58,350 Oh, it sure is, Johnny. 469 00:16:58,440 --> 00:16:59,520 Whoops. 470 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:01,270 Oh, looks like all her clothes fell off. 471 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:04,320 Oh, here we go. 472 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:05,940 That's a weird thermometer. 473 00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:07,360 Hey, that's funny. 474 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:09,280 I thought they only took your temperature like that when you were a baby. 475 00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:10,610 Yeah, that's-that's not a... 476 00:17:10,700 --> 00:17:12,080 He's, like, pulling it in and out. 477 00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:14,120 It's never going to get an accurate reading like that. 478 00:17:16,290 --> 00:17:18,540 Oh. Well, I guess her prostate's fine. 479 00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:25,460 What happened? I don't know. 480 00:17:25,550 --> 00:17:26,840 Tape froze. 481 00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:34,680 It's stuck. The tape's stuck! 482 00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:36,140 Oh, shit! 483 00:17:36,220 --> 00:17:37,510 It's not coming out. What are we going to do? 484 00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:39,060 All right. Don't panic, don't panic. 485 00:17:39,190 --> 00:17:40,190 Don't panic? 486 00:17:40,270 --> 00:17:41,310 What the fuck am I supposed to do? 487 00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:42,650 I just need a second to think. 488 00:17:42,730 --> 00:17:44,150 No, there is a porno stuck in the fucking VCR! 489 00:17:44,230 --> 00:17:45,230 Just let me fucking think! What am I supposed to do? 490 00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:47,320 Just let me fucking think! Let me fucking think! 491 00:17:48,740 --> 00:17:50,870 Okay, we're going to have to take the machine apart. 492 00:17:50,950 --> 00:17:52,370 All right. 493 00:17:54,580 --> 00:17:56,460 I can't even open it. There's no screws. 494 00:17:56,540 --> 00:17:57,540 It's just rivets. 495 00:17:57,620 --> 00:17:58,750 Okay, I got it, I got it. 496 00:17:58,830 --> 00:18:00,290 We got to swap out VCRs. 497 00:18:00,370 --> 00:18:02,290 Get rid of this one, replace it with a new one. 498 00:18:02,380 --> 00:18:04,090 How are we going to find a new VCR tonight? 499 00:18:04,170 --> 00:18:06,000 Even if shit was still open, we got no money. 500 00:18:06,090 --> 00:18:07,470 And anyways, this is an older model. 501 00:18:07,550 --> 00:18:09,220 You probably can't even fucking find it anymore. 502 00:18:10,130 --> 00:18:11,130 Yes, you can. 503 00:18:11,220 --> 00:18:12,680 The AV room at school! They got one there. 504 00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:13,890 We can go get it tonight. 505 00:18:14,140 --> 00:18:15,730 Going into school after hours? 506 00:18:15,810 --> 00:18:16,810 Won't that look suspicious? 507 00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:17,930 There's a game tonight. 508 00:18:18,020 --> 00:18:19,020 The school's open. 509 00:18:19,100 --> 00:18:20,230 We dress like basketball players 510 00:18:20,310 --> 00:18:21,480 and if anyone sees us, 511 00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:23,060 they'll think we're there for the game. 512 00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:25,070 If we blow this, everybody's going to know we're perverts. 513 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:26,690 Jesus. 514 00:18:26,770 --> 00:18:28,730 All this work, and we didn't even get to have an orgasm. 515 00:18:29,070 --> 00:18:30,530 Yeah, yeah. Right. 516 00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:33,860 Yeah, man, that fucking sucks, both of us, uh... 517 00:18:33,950 --> 00:18:35,290 didn't. 518 00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:38,420 I just don't understand it. 519 00:18:38,490 --> 00:18:39,660 I mean, we're not under construction. 520 00:18:39,750 --> 00:18:41,880 Well, you know, the good news is she saw it. 521 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:43,170 Otherwise... 522 00:18:43,250 --> 00:18:44,630 She could have died. 523 00:18:45,330 --> 00:18:46,540 Right, Susan? 524 00:18:46,630 --> 00:18:48,130 You could have died if you ate a nail. 525 00:18:48,670 --> 00:18:51,670 I guess I could have died if I ate a nail. 526 00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:54,100 I am so deeply sorry, Mrs. Bennett. 527 00:18:54,180 --> 00:18:56,390 Of course, your entire evening is comped. 528 00:18:56,470 --> 00:18:58,060 And if there's anything else we can do for you, 529 00:18:58,140 --> 00:18:59,140 please tell us. 530 00:18:59,350 --> 00:19:01,390 Yeah, you see that old-timey 531 00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:03,480 diver's helmet you got there in the window? 532 00:19:04,190 --> 00:19:05,900 I want you to fill it with shrimp. 533 00:19:12,490 --> 00:19:13,990 Wasn't the crab good? 534 00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:27,080 Okay, almost got it. 535 00:19:27,170 --> 00:19:28,710 Ah. There we go. 536 00:19:29,590 --> 00:19:31,930 Okay, you stay here, I'm going to make sure the coast is clear. 537 00:19:32,010 --> 00:19:33,010 Okay. 538 00:19:35,590 --> 00:19:37,340 Ice it up, Hampton. 539 00:19:37,430 --> 00:19:38,430 You'll be fine. 540 00:19:38,550 --> 00:19:39,590 I don't know, Coach. 541 00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:41,220 I think I heard it break. A little ice. 542 00:19:41,310 --> 00:19:42,480 Best thing for it. 543 00:19:43,020 --> 00:19:44,020 Hey, Bennett! 544 00:19:44,140 --> 00:19:45,140 Uh, yeah? 545 00:19:45,230 --> 00:19:46,610 We're a man down. Get in there! 546 00:19:46,690 --> 00:19:48,360 No forfeit! We got a player! 547 00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:49,690 Actually, Coach, you know I'm not... 548 00:19:49,770 --> 00:19:52,100 Now, Bennett! We got a game to win! 549 00:19:58,030 --> 00:19:59,320 Ain't so fucking hard. 550 00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:01,780 Let's get the hell out of here. 551 00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:08,380 Jesus. What a night, huh? 552 00:20:10,130 --> 00:20:11,420 Matty. 553 00:20:12,210 --> 00:20:14,250 What you did there was a sin. 554 00:20:14,420 --> 00:20:15,550 You lied to them. 555 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:17,630 Ah, they lied to us first. 556 00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:19,760 Goddamn steak doesn't cost 24 bucks. 557 00:20:19,850 --> 00:20:20,940 We're even. 558 00:20:21,010 --> 00:20:23,390 And the best part is I didn't even have to use this. 559 00:20:24,100 --> 00:20:25,600 What is that? 560 00:20:25,690 --> 00:20:27,980 A coupon for one free meal at Chuck's Steak House. 561 00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:31,860 So all in, we get three free dinners for the price of one. 562 00:20:32,150 --> 00:20:34,190 Is that why you wanted to go out to dinner? 563 00:20:34,490 --> 00:20:35,700 Because you had a coupon? 564 00:20:35,780 --> 00:20:38,950 I had a beautiful woman on my arm and I spent no money. 565 00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:40,530 A perfect evening. 566 00:20:40,830 --> 00:20:42,330 And the activity book! 567 00:20:42,410 --> 00:20:43,490 Hey, Johnny! 568 00:20:43,580 --> 00:20:45,830 Your old man solved a maze tonight! 569 00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:48,040 It's Friday night. 570 00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:49,120 He's probably at the basketball game. 571 00:20:49,290 --> 00:20:50,290 You're going up? 572 00:20:50,380 --> 00:20:51,510 Uh, no. 573 00:20:51,590 --> 00:20:53,840 I think I'll stay up for a while and watch TV. 574 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:54,920 Suit yourself. 575 00:20:55,090 --> 00:20:56,130 Mwah! 576 00:20:56,220 --> 00:20:57,760 I'm going to roll around in bed and try to burp. 577 00:21:22,410 --> 00:21:24,040 Oh... 578 00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:40,180 Oh, yeah! Yes! 579 00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:43,390 Oh, my God! 580 00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:00,830 Hey. 581 00:22:00,910 --> 00:22:02,240 Knock it off. 582 00:22:09,660 --> 00:22:11,290 You know, I just realized we probably 583 00:22:11,370 --> 00:22:13,410 could have just dressed like ourselves going to the game. 584 00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:15,250 Hey, shh! The lights are out. 585 00:22:15,340 --> 00:22:16,840 Mom and Dad must be asleep. 586 00:22:18,300 --> 00:22:20,800 All right, I'll swap it out. You make sure no one's coming. 587 00:22:20,880 --> 00:22:22,090 Right. 588 00:22:28,350 --> 00:22:29,600 All right, it's done. 589 00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:32,020 Not quite. We still got to get that tape out. 590 00:22:39,530 --> 00:22:40,570 The fuck? 591 00:22:40,650 --> 00:22:42,820 Oh, shit. It's gone! 592 00:22:47,910 --> 00:22:49,120 Okay, let's let's just calm down here. 593 00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:50,790 What do you mean calm down? The tape's gone! 594 00:22:50,870 --> 00:22:53,370 It can't just be gone. It's got to be somewhere. 595 00:22:53,670 --> 00:22:54,670 Oh, shit. 596 00:22:55,420 --> 00:22:57,300 Ah shit. What, what, what? 597 00:22:57,380 --> 00:22:58,470 Somebody found it. 598 00:22:58,550 --> 00:23:00,010 Somebody found it and they took it. 599 00:23:00,590 --> 00:23:02,130 Oh, shit. 600 00:23:02,420 --> 00:23:05,300 Okay, tomorrow, when everyone's out, we search the house. 601 00:23:05,390 --> 00:23:06,390 What if we don't find it? 602 00:23:06,470 --> 00:23:07,600 Then we'll have to 603 00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:08,970 rent the same movie from another store 604 00:23:09,060 --> 00:23:10,600 and return it to the first store 605 00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:12,470 and we'll have to do that every three days 606 00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:13,640 until the end of time. 607 00:23:14,140 --> 00:23:15,390 Oh, my God. 608 00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:18,280 Yeah. Like a Pornzi scheme. 609 00:23:20,030 --> 00:23:22,700 Yeah, we're in trouble, but we can still have fun with words. 610 00:23:57,690 --> 00:23:59,730 Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. 611 00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:03,610 Hello, Susan. 612 00:24:03,940 --> 00:24:05,280 Oh, dear. 613 00:24:06,110 --> 00:24:07,990 I wish you'd close it this time. 614 00:24:08,070 --> 00:24:10,530 We're all sinners in God's eyes. 615 00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:12,410 Well... 616 00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:15,960 I saw a porno, Father. 617 00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:18,500 Oh. 618 00:24:18,750 --> 00:24:20,710 And how did you come to see this, Susan? 619 00:24:21,590 --> 00:24:24,130 Matty left it in the VCR. 620 00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:26,680 Earlier that night, we went out to dinner. 621 00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:27,970 And I thought he was 622 00:24:28,050 --> 00:24:30,090 taking me out for a romantic evening 623 00:24:30,180 --> 00:24:32,930 just the two of us, so I got all dressed up. 624 00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:36,310 And he didn't even notice. 625 00:24:37,350 --> 00:24:40,270 And then I found out that he had a coupon. 626 00:24:40,730 --> 00:24:43,320 And that's why he wanted to go out. 627 00:24:44,900 --> 00:24:46,280 And Father, maybe... 628 00:24:47,860 --> 00:24:50,280 I'm not what he wants anymore. 629 00:24:50,780 --> 00:24:54,120 Susan, I'm sure it's not as bad as all that. 630 00:24:54,790 --> 00:24:57,580 Husbands and wives have different sensibilities. 631 00:24:58,120 --> 00:24:59,830 There's a reason the Lord made it 632 00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:03,420 so that a man can masturbate and a woman cannot. 633 00:25:03,500 --> 00:25:04,920 W-well, that's true. 634 00:25:05,260 --> 00:25:06,890 And as for what you saw, 635 00:25:06,970 --> 00:25:09,550 God understands that you didn't seek it out. 636 00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:12,430 And as long as the man and the woman in the film 637 00:25:12,510 --> 00:25:15,350 are married and not using birth control, 638 00:25:15,430 --> 00:25:17,220 I don't think you have anything to worry about. 639 00:25:17,310 --> 00:25:20,150 It wasn't just a man and a woman. 640 00:25:21,310 --> 00:25:23,520 There-there was another woman, too. 641 00:25:24,820 --> 00:25:25,820 I see. 642 00:25:25,900 --> 00:25:29,450 Although she wasn't really participating. 643 00:25:29,530 --> 00:25:33,200 She was just sort of choking the other girl. 644 00:25:33,830 --> 00:25:35,580 Well, Matty is your husband. 645 00:25:36,500 --> 00:25:38,170 And if one of you is bored in the marriage, 646 00:25:38,250 --> 00:25:39,920 then the other may wish to consider 647 00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:43,920 how to address that and ways to make things more exciting. 648 00:25:44,090 --> 00:25:48,180 Remember, nothing is wrong if you don't enjoy it too much. 649 00:25:49,430 --> 00:25:52,100 Well, I could certainly try. 650 00:25:52,180 --> 00:25:54,100 Good, good. 651 00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:58,720 So the choking, was she upset by it? 652 00:25:58,810 --> 00:26:01,100 Or... I should probably get home. 653 00:26:01,190 --> 00:26:02,900 All right. To be continued. 654 00:26:12,740 --> 00:26:13,950 No. 655 00:26:15,950 --> 00:26:17,490 Johnny! 656 00:26:17,580 --> 00:26:18,580 Johnny, I found it. 657 00:26:18,660 --> 00:26:20,250 Oh, fuck. Thank God. 658 00:26:20,330 --> 00:26:22,080 I know. I just saved us 80 bucks. 659 00:26:22,170 --> 00:26:24,050 Wait, where was it? 660 00:26:24,380 --> 00:26:25,880 Well, it was, uh... 661 00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:27,670 it was in Susan's underwear drawer. 662 00:26:27,760 --> 00:26:28,760 What? 663 00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:30,880 Yeah, it was behind the ones with the pineapples on it. 664 00:26:30,970 --> 00:26:32,390 No, no, no! I don't want to hear about my mom's underpants. 665 00:26:32,470 --> 00:26:34,510 Oh, but her diarrhea you bring up at the drop of a hat. 666 00:26:34,970 --> 00:26:37,850 Teddy, do you know what this means? 667 00:26:37,930 --> 00:26:40,020 Mom found Genital Hospital. 668 00:26:40,100 --> 00:26:41,690 She knows I watch porn! 669 00:26:42,100 --> 00:26:43,350 Oh, boy. It looks that way. 670 00:26:43,440 --> 00:26:44,940 I can never face her again. 671 00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:47,570 We have to run away, never to return. 672 00:26:47,650 --> 00:26:48,980 I see no other option. 673 00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:50,650 I'm going to miss this house. 674 00:26:51,610 --> 00:26:53,280 Goodbye, water stained ceilings. 675 00:26:53,360 --> 00:26:56,360 Goodbye, silverware drawer that doesn't close all the way. 676 00:26:56,450 --> 00:26:58,120 Goodbye, windows painted shut. 677 00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:00,790 Goodbye, door you have to lean on to close. 678 00:27:00,870 --> 00:27:03,960 Goodbye, peeling wallpaper that reveals other wallpaper. 679 00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:06,090 Goodbye, carpet that's never been dry. 680 00:27:06,290 --> 00:27:08,250 Goodbye, unpermitted bathroom addition. 681 00:27:08,340 --> 00:27:11,130 Goodbye, lamp that shocks you every time you touch it. 682 00:27:11,220 --> 00:27:13,640 Goodbye, picture of a pope from two popes ago. 683 00:27:13,720 --> 00:27:16,560 Goodbye, plastic bag full of plastic bags. 684 00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:19,230 Goodbye, medicine cabinet with black mold in the corner. 685 00:27:19,310 --> 00:27:20,730 Jesus, let's get the fuck out of here. 686 00:27:20,810 --> 00:27:22,230 Yeah, no shit. 687 00:27:27,690 --> 00:27:28,690 We sure would like it 688 00:27:28,770 --> 00:27:30,440 if you'd help us with our problem. 689 00:27:32,150 --> 00:27:33,280 Only problem you've got, Sheriff, 690 00:27:33,360 --> 00:27:34,900 is a short supply of guts. 691 00:27:35,490 --> 00:27:36,870 You people don't need me. 692 00:27:38,910 --> 00:27:42,040 Look, place at least a couple good riflemen 693 00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:43,790 on top of that building up there. 694 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:46,790 Maybe a couple more with shotguns down 695 00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:48,260 behind green bags over there. 696 00:27:48,710 --> 00:27:49,840 What you watching? 697 00:27:50,630 --> 00:27:52,590 High Plains Drifter. 698 00:27:52,670 --> 00:27:54,300 It's Clint Eastwood week. 699 00:27:54,380 --> 00:27:55,510 Oh. 700 00:27:55,590 --> 00:27:56,800 What's it about? 701 00:27:56,890 --> 00:27:58,640 Oh, he's a cowboy. 702 00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:01,060 But at the end, you realize he's a ghost. 703 00:28:01,140 --> 00:28:02,600 But he can still shoot a gun, 704 00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:04,850 so, you know, not like he's not like a real ghost. 705 00:28:05,770 --> 00:28:07,360 Matty, honey, 706 00:28:07,440 --> 00:28:09,320 can we talk about that movie 707 00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:11,570 that you were watching yesterday? 708 00:28:12,570 --> 00:28:14,280 I can't remember what it was. 709 00:28:14,360 --> 00:28:15,860 They're all kind of the same movie. 710 00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:19,200 Are you entertained by them? 711 00:28:19,780 --> 00:28:22,780 I'm a guy. I mean, all guys like 'em. 712 00:28:22,870 --> 00:28:24,370 Is that what you want? 713 00:28:25,790 --> 00:28:27,540 What you see in those movies? 714 00:28:27,620 --> 00:28:30,370 God no. I just-I just watch 'em. 715 00:28:30,460 --> 00:28:32,500 Well, is there one you like best? 716 00:28:34,340 --> 00:28:36,010 I like Every Which Way But Loose. 717 00:28:36,590 --> 00:28:37,590 Oh. 718 00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:39,180 Yeah, that one's crazy. 719 00:28:39,260 --> 00:28:41,390 There's a monkey that gives everybody the finger. 720 00:28:41,470 --> 00:28:42,970 Oh. 721 00:28:43,060 --> 00:28:44,440 Yeah, I'd love to see that. 722 00:28:45,600 --> 00:28:46,730 Wow. 723 00:28:47,480 --> 00:28:50,070 It is getting hot in here. 724 00:28:52,860 --> 00:28:54,610 Powerful hot. 725 00:28:54,690 --> 00:28:56,030 We can't run the air conditioner. 726 00:28:56,110 --> 00:28:57,490 Found a dead bird in it. 727 00:28:57,570 --> 00:28:59,320 Repair guy says we got to wait till its guts dry out 728 00:28:59,410 --> 00:29:01,120 before we run the unit again. 729 00:29:01,200 --> 00:29:02,990 Well I wouldn't know about that. 730 00:29:03,870 --> 00:29:05,250 I'm just a girl. 731 00:29:31,190 --> 00:29:32,360 What are you doing? 732 00:29:33,190 --> 00:29:34,690 I wanted a banana. 733 00:29:34,780 --> 00:29:35,780 Well, then eat it. 734 00:29:36,070 --> 00:29:37,200 Why the hell are you staring at me? 735 00:29:37,860 --> 00:29:39,200 Because... 736 00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:41,450 I've been bad. 737 00:29:41,530 --> 00:29:42,820 What do you mean you've been bad? 738 00:29:42,910 --> 00:29:45,040 You... oh, Jesus Christ, Susan. 739 00:29:45,120 --> 00:29:46,540 Is that the last one? 740 00:29:46,620 --> 00:29:47,790 God damn it! 741 00:29:47,870 --> 00:29:50,160 Now what am I supposed to have for my snack? 742 00:29:52,250 --> 00:29:53,380 Oh! Oh great, Susan! 743 00:29:53,460 --> 00:29:55,130 A Pringles can with one left! 744 00:29:55,210 --> 00:29:56,590 That'll be satisfying! 745 00:29:57,050 --> 00:29:58,050 Ow! 746 00:29:58,130 --> 00:29:59,720 Fucking lamp shocked me again! 747 00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:04,770 Yeah? 748 00:30:07,060 --> 00:30:08,400 Aunt Suze, what's up? 749 00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:10,440 Blaire, can I talk to you for a minute? 750 00:30:10,770 --> 00:30:12,440 Sure. Yeah, come on in. 751 00:30:16,020 --> 00:30:18,560 What, uh, what's the matter? 752 00:30:19,820 --> 00:30:21,490 Well... 753 00:30:21,700 --> 00:30:24,370 last night, Matty and I went out to dinner. 754 00:30:25,870 --> 00:30:27,830 I got all dressed up. 755 00:30:28,040 --> 00:30:32,090 I rubbed on a Clinique sampler from Redbook. 756 00:30:32,420 --> 00:30:33,960 I don't even think he noticed. 757 00:30:34,670 --> 00:30:38,800 And then when we got home, I turned on the TV. 758 00:30:40,340 --> 00:30:41,970 And I found... 759 00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:45,850 What? 760 00:30:47,260 --> 00:30:48,760 A porn. 761 00:30:50,270 --> 00:30:51,440 Oh. 762 00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:54,480 I think Matty's been watching porns. 763 00:30:55,020 --> 00:30:56,150 Right. 764 00:30:56,230 --> 00:30:57,940 Do you think maybe he 765 00:30:58,860 --> 00:31:01,820 doesn't think I'm exciting anymore? 766 00:31:01,900 --> 00:31:03,440 Am I a disappointment? 767 00:31:03,530 --> 00:31:05,320 No, absolutely not, Aunt Suze. 768 00:31:05,410 --> 00:31:06,790 Listen to me. 769 00:31:06,870 --> 00:31:10,370 You are probably the most wonderful person that I know. 770 00:31:10,450 --> 00:31:13,240 But if that's what he wants, what can I do? 771 00:31:13,330 --> 00:31:15,290 I don't want to have to choke other women. 772 00:31:15,380 --> 00:31:16,630 Yeah, I don't think you need to. 773 00:31:16,710 --> 00:31:18,710 But I'll do it if that's what Matty wants. 774 00:31:18,800 --> 00:31:19,800 No, let's not go down that route. 775 00:31:19,880 --> 00:31:21,420 I'll do what those women did. 776 00:31:21,550 --> 00:31:22,930 I really don't think that's necessary. 777 00:31:23,010 --> 00:31:25,300 I'll even do what Dr. Sausage did in that movie. 778 00:31:25,390 --> 00:31:26,390 I'll do it. Okay... 779 00:31:26,470 --> 00:31:27,800 I'll do it. Stop. 780 00:31:28,060 --> 00:31:29,140 Look. 781 00:31:29,220 --> 00:31:33,100 This is difficult for me to say, but, um, 782 00:31:33,390 --> 00:31:35,060 the tape you found... 783 00:31:37,150 --> 00:31:38,280 it's mine. 784 00:31:39,150 --> 00:31:40,150 What? 785 00:31:40,280 --> 00:31:41,280 I'm sorry. 786 00:31:41,360 --> 00:31:42,900 I apologize for being so careless. 787 00:31:42,990 --> 00:31:45,160 I never should have left it in the VCR. 788 00:31:45,240 --> 00:31:46,240 It was stupid. 789 00:31:46,570 --> 00:31:47,740 So it's not Matty's? 790 00:31:47,820 --> 00:31:49,240 No, it's not. 791 00:31:50,540 --> 00:31:53,380 Oh! Oh, my God! 792 00:31:54,410 --> 00:31:56,870 Oh, I'm so relieved! Good. 793 00:31:56,960 --> 00:32:00,170 I thought Matty was bored with me. 794 00:32:00,250 --> 00:32:01,630 Oh, Blaire. 795 00:32:01,710 --> 00:32:02,880 I... Ew. 796 00:32:04,050 --> 00:32:06,090 Why did you have a porn? 797 00:32:06,430 --> 00:32:08,220 I would say a porno. 798 00:32:08,300 --> 00:32:09,970 Just hits the ear better. 799 00:32:10,060 --> 00:32:11,940 Why were you watching porno? 800 00:32:12,020 --> 00:32:15,520 Well, okay, in that context, you'd say porn. 801 00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:17,980 See, if there's an article in front of it like an "a" 802 00:32:18,060 --> 00:32:20,230 or a "the," it's a porno. 803 00:32:20,320 --> 00:32:22,610 But if not, it's just porn. 804 00:32:24,490 --> 00:32:26,370 I'm just not going to say it anymore. 805 00:32:26,450 --> 00:32:30,410 Okay. Look, to answer your question, it... 806 00:32:31,080 --> 00:32:33,250 it was a sorority thing. 807 00:32:33,330 --> 00:32:34,620 We rented a dirty movie. 808 00:32:34,700 --> 00:32:36,910 It was you know how sororities are. 809 00:32:37,000 --> 00:32:38,630 It's like a prank. 810 00:32:38,710 --> 00:32:41,300 Oh! Oh, it was a prank. 811 00:32:41,380 --> 00:32:43,510 Yeah. Oh! 812 00:32:43,920 --> 00:32:46,590 So Matty and I are just fine! 813 00:32:46,680 --> 00:32:49,350 I would say this one thing isn't a problem. 814 00:32:49,430 --> 00:32:50,510 But it's... 815 00:32:52,310 --> 00:32:54,190 well, I'd call it a work in progress. 816 00:32:55,020 --> 00:32:58,820 And for the record, Aunt Suze, 817 00:32:58,900 --> 00:33:02,030 I don't think anybody ever could be bored with you. 818 00:33:02,940 --> 00:33:05,650 Matty is not great at communication. 819 00:33:05,740 --> 00:33:08,740 But unless he's completely blind or insane, 820 00:33:08,820 --> 00:33:10,700 I bet he still loves you a whole lot. 821 00:33:12,330 --> 00:33:14,210 Come here. Mm. 822 00:33:14,290 --> 00:33:15,460 Aw. 823 00:33:19,120 --> 00:33:21,910 I hope one day, you'll find your Matty. 824 00:33:22,880 --> 00:33:24,380 Oh, that's... 825 00:33:25,670 --> 00:33:26,920 I'm going to be just fine. 826 00:33:27,010 --> 00:33:28,010 Let's pray. 827 00:33:46,940 --> 00:33:48,400 Where are we going to go, Teddy? 828 00:33:48,490 --> 00:33:50,120 I was thinking Saudi Arabia. 829 00:33:50,360 --> 00:33:52,450 I hear nobody's ashamed to masturbate there. 830 00:33:53,030 --> 00:33:54,820 What do you think they're doing back at the house? 831 00:33:55,160 --> 00:33:57,450 Probably the same thing we're doing but with a table. 832 00:33:58,330 --> 00:33:59,790 God. 833 00:33:59,870 --> 00:34:02,750 We watched six seconds of porn and it ruined our lives. 834 00:34:02,830 --> 00:34:04,460 Relax, losers. 835 00:34:04,840 --> 00:34:06,550 Your lives aren't ruined. 836 00:34:06,630 --> 00:34:07,630 Yet. 837 00:34:07,710 --> 00:34:08,710 Blaire. 838 00:34:08,840 --> 00:34:10,300 Oh, you're a sight for sore eyes, you are. 839 00:34:10,380 --> 00:34:12,050 Good Lord, look how you've grown. 840 00:34:12,140 --> 00:34:13,180 How'd you find us? 841 00:34:13,260 --> 00:34:15,930 Uh, harmonica music really carries. 842 00:34:16,010 --> 00:34:19,970 Listen, uh, you don't have to worry about the porno, all right? 843 00:34:20,060 --> 00:34:21,230 I took the heat for you. 844 00:34:21,310 --> 00:34:22,560 What? 845 00:34:22,650 --> 00:34:24,940 I told Aunt Suze that the tape was mine. 846 00:34:25,020 --> 00:34:26,020 You can come home now. 847 00:34:26,110 --> 00:34:29,660 Blaire, you you did that for us? 848 00:34:29,990 --> 00:34:32,740 Uh, no. I really did it for Susan. 849 00:34:32,820 --> 00:34:34,910 She was upset enough because she thought it was Matty's. 850 00:34:34,990 --> 00:34:37,830 If she found out it was yours, she'd probably cry for a year. 851 00:34:37,910 --> 00:34:40,700 Jesus Christ, Blaire. Thank you so much. 852 00:34:40,790 --> 00:34:41,790 Yeah. 853 00:34:41,870 --> 00:34:43,000 We really owe you big time. 854 00:34:43,080 --> 00:34:44,460 Oh, yeah, you do. 855 00:34:44,540 --> 00:34:46,670 Now, put out your dumb fire and let's get out of here. 856 00:34:46,750 --> 00:34:48,960 I love that plan. Because you know what? 857 00:34:49,050 --> 00:34:50,680 We got a porno to return. 858 00:34:50,760 --> 00:34:52,180 And I'll tell you one thing. 859 00:34:52,260 --> 00:34:54,010 I would never watch porn again. 860 00:34:54,470 --> 00:34:56,310 Even if it was everywhere, all the time. 861 00:34:56,390 --> 00:34:58,520 Even if I had, like, a weird, little device in my pocket 862 00:34:58,600 --> 00:34:59,850 that would give it to me whenever I wanted 863 00:34:59,930 --> 00:35:01,600 so I could jerk off at a moment's notice. 864 00:35:01,690 --> 00:35:03,440 No. Never again. 865 00:35:05,940 --> 00:35:08,610 John kept his promise. 866 00:35:08,690 --> 00:35:10,440 For the next two years. 867 00:35:10,530 --> 00:35:14,410 Then, within five minutes of discovering the internet, 868 00:35:14,490 --> 00:35:16,740 he pulled on his penis so hard, 869 00:35:16,820 --> 00:35:19,120 it damn near came off. 870 00:35:19,200 --> 00:35:20,200 That didn't deter him 871 00:35:20,330 --> 00:35:22,830 from masturbating four more times 872 00:35:22,910 --> 00:35:25,370 before going to a local urgent care, 873 00:35:25,460 --> 00:35:26,800 where he waited eight hours 874 00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:29,170 in line behind dozens of other men 875 00:35:29,250 --> 00:35:31,750 who had also nearly pulled their penises off 876 00:35:31,840 --> 00:35:34,050 after discovering the internet. 877 00:35:34,130 --> 00:35:37,170 And now, today, anyone you talk to 878 00:35:37,260 --> 00:35:39,760 has jerked off within the last 20 minutes. 879 00:35:40,470 --> 00:35:42,180 This is ian McKellen, 880 00:35:42,270 --> 00:35:45,770 reminding you: don't shake anyone's hand. 881 00:35:46,310 --> 00:35:47,640 Good night. 882 00:35:57,530 --> 00:36:01,830 Oh, you've got a headful of someone dreadful 883 00:36:01,910 --> 00:36:05,080 And yet, alas, that someone adores you 884 00:36:06,710 --> 00:36:10,380 Everybody needs a best friend 885 00:36:10,460 --> 00:36:12,880 I'm happy I'm yours 886 00:36:12,960 --> 00:36:16,380 I'm just a clown 887 00:36:16,470 --> 00:36:19,850 And I'll bring you down 888 00:36:19,930 --> 00:36:25,940 But you just don't care 'cause your 889 00:36:26,020 --> 00:36:27,980 Best friend is me