[Hail to the Chief plays]
* *
Candidates...
It's been quite an election.
The polls are closed.
The votes are in.
And one of you will be...
America's Next Top President!
[The Star-Spangled Banner
plays]
* *
Senator Marshall...
Your record on women's rights
is impeccable, and you have
a strong military background.
Tony Hawk...
You're really, really good
at skateboarding.
I wish I could elect you
Thank you.
both.
But the final rose...
and nuclear launch codes...
Go to...
[suspenseful music]
* *
The President of
The United States of America!
Mr. president!?
Frank, you're safe!
I am, but america's not.
Honey, hand over the launch
codes.
Tony, I'm gonna need your board.
Is this thing live?
America, listen to me
very carefully.
You are...
More on that later, zwners,
But we've got an epic Kill
streak in progress!
No time to explain -
just shut up and watch!
[gunfire]
[rapid gunfire]
[explosion]
[jets whooshing]
[bullets zipping]
[explosion]
Yo, Brian.
Come on, I got you, bro.
[grunts]
[beeping]
Hey, come on, move your...
[rapid gunfire]
[explosion]
Move. 20 seconds to cap.
[crowd cheering]
Our top story - VGHS barely
survives their first playoff
match, but...
Last-minute miracle plays
and lucky comebacks just
aren't gonna cut it...
In the totally extreme road
to the championships!
The competition has never
been tougher, nor the stakes
higher. And...
You can't help but feel that
this VGHS team has lost
a certain...
Je ne sais...
"Law!"
[distant explosion]
[explosion]
[light creaking]
[gun cocks]
Ooh, la la.
Barnstormer.
Just sampling the local cuisine.
[chuckles] So were we.
[laughs]
Prostitutes.
Yeah.
[sighs]
Yeah.
You want another cap?
sure.
Not like there's anything else
going on.
Ha ha, yeah.
17 to zero.
Are you Kidding me?
17 to zero!
Napalm's unstoppable.
Championship's in the bag.
You got to get in on this thing
while you still can, before it
goes up, up, up!
Okay, we get it.
Starting a high school FPS
team was good for the company.
But why are we here?
What's your endgame?
What do you want?
I want...
Video Game High School.
[rock music]
* Don't want to hear *
* about how the real world's *
* the place for me? *
* There's nothing out there *
* won't look better *
* on a tv screen *
* There's a better way? *
* I don't care what you say *
* I just want to play *
* we all just want to play *
* Things will be all right *
* Soon as I get back to school *
* *
One down, four to go.
Yeah!
Up top, all right.
Whoa!
[hissing pop]
Vote for Shane.
It's okay, Wendell.
Let's pass out more cookies.
Okay.
Vote for Ki.
Thanks.
Hey!
[camera shutter clicks]
Yeah, i'll vote for Shane...
Like, never...
[laughs]
Three, two, one...
Go!
Yes!
Ha ha! whoo!
Ted wins.
Err!
Boosh!
[imitates engine revving]
Ph, sor...
Oh.
Hey, dude.
Sorry about that.
Are you...
How are you?
Yeah, he's our Ted now.
Yikes.
Are you okay?
To be honest...
No?
Hey, man, you got to forget
about that nerd.
We all got the day off.
Let's go get cool by the pool.
Actually, Games, Brian and I
have some one-on-one time
planned.
Yes, there is an olive oil
tasting at Romero's.
Jenny, we're gonna be late!
Is that what you're wearing?
For?
For your interview on OMG?
Oh, god, that's today?
Can't I just skip it?
That's hilarious.
See you in the car.
Oh, my god, Brian,
I'm so sorry.
I forgot.
We'll hang out tonight, yeah?
Yeah, don't worry about it.
Okay.
Good luck.
Thanks.
I don't know, Ki.
Shane's gonna throw us
a pizza party every week.
Yeah, what do we get if we
vote for you guys?
Well, you get
a strong leader...
Forget it, Ki.
The M.M.O. guild only wants
one thing...loot.
Let's talk deal.
Ooh.
Can you give me Babbage's blade?
Oh, my gosh, Josh.
If you wanted that lame sword,
you should have bought
the collector's edition.
Whatevs, I still want it, eh?
Fine, get my babe Babbage's
Blade, and you totes got our
votes.
We're outie.
Ooh, I should go too.
I'm going to meet with
the social gamers.
Ew, what?
Why?
Those guys aren't even
real gamers.
Plus, the M.M.O. guild is, like,
half the voting block, Ki.
Who will only vote for us
if we bribe them.
And I'm not that sort
of candidate, okay?
Okay, yeah.
No, you're right.
I don't know what I was
thinking.
Go meet the people.
Best running mate ever.
Best boyfriend ever...
This guy.
Hi, Ted.
Hi.
I have to go.
Oh, okay.
Bye, Ki.
Bye.
Okay, dork, you play
Deathstalker, right?
I'm gonna need you to get us
Babbage's blade.
What?
Why?
'Cause it's the only way the
M.M.O. guild will vote for us.
And if we don't get those votes,
we're gonna lose, and then Ki's
Gonna cry.
Is that what you want, Ted?
You want Ki to cry?
No, of course not.
Exactly.
Suit up.
Okay.
But the only person I know that
Bbought the collector's edition
is...
Oh, man.
Hey, Ted, should I get
The collector's edition?
It's your money.
Do whatever you want.
Yeah.
What the heck, Ted?
You ignore me for two weeks,
and now you're trying to steal
my stuff?
It's for Ki.
She needs Babbage's blade to
win the election.
Not that you care.
Why didn't you just ask?
'Cause I'm not talking to
you.
Now, do you want Ki to win this
or what?
Yeah, I do.
But it's a two-man quest,
so I'm coming with you.
What?
No way.
Ted, does Ki need this thing
or not?
Fine.
But I'm still not talking
to you.
And I'm playing from Ki's room.
Okay, then, fine.
Fine, then, okay.
[scoffs]
See you at Mount Jerek!
[bird squawks]
[gunshot]
That's far enough, griefer.
State your business.
Hi, I'm Ki swan.
I'm not a griefer.
I'm a politician.
[gunshot]
Even worse.
Get going.
Sorry, ma'am.
I'm running for class president.
I'm only here to learn how I can
help you and your fellow
social gamers.
Help?
You just want an easy vote for
a bucket of empty promises.
If you fancy hard-core gamer
folk really wanted to help us
cow-clickers, you'd come to our
classroom and meet us
face-to-face.
Now, if you don't mind, i've got
Bongo Berries to harvest.
Two-minute warning,
everybody.
Two minutes to showtime.
[bell rings]
They're gonna ask a bunch of
dumb, nosy, personal questions
about my life, aren't they?
Stop squirming.
Gosh, I hate these things.
I hate talking about myself.
Well, get used to it, because
being a pro means being
a personality.
Just look at ashley over there.
...And then I says to the
salesman, "yacht?
Why not?"
[laughs]
Oh, man.
Jacques Latour, big fan.
[gasps]
That's Jacques Latour.
Oh, my gosh, he's, like, the
Best FPS coach of all time.
I'm right here, Jenny.
Mom, he coaches the Paris
Panthers.
That's, like, my favorite team
since forever.
I have to go talk to him.
I can't talk to him.
Mom, will you go talk to him?
Matthews, Barnstormer,
30 seconds.
Oh, god.
Please tell me not to
embarrass myself.
Jenny, just relax.
You're fine, okay?
Go.
Okay.
Oh, man.
Jacques Latour...
Cool dude.
Ah, this is gonna be fun.
Whoops.
[gasps]
You're on.
Go, go, go.
[crowd cheering]
W are back from commercials
And talking to
Ashley Barnstormer and
Jenny Matrix.
Please clap for them.
[applause]
Thank you.
So, Ashley, they say that VGHS
is your biggest competition.
Agree/Disagree?
You know, TalkBot,
I got to say, Jenny and VGHS
have really pulled off something
special this season.
But I feel good about our
chances.
[applause]
Jenny...
Tell us about your parents'
divorce.
What?
Do you blame yourself?
Uh...
No.
Can we talk about something
else?
Who's the better smoocher,
Brian D. or The Law?
I can answer that one.
My goodness.
Just playing, just playing!
Ha ha ha ha.
Very charming.
Oh, my god.
So, uh...
How's drifting?
Hey, when does the season
start, again?
How's not talking to Brian?
That still going well?
[sighs]
I'd at least like to know
If Ki's all right.
Haven't really talked to her
since...
Traveler, beware!
Grave danger lies ahead.
Oh, Ted, i think this is
the guy.
Are you the Babbages guy?
You fools seek Babbage's
Blade?
[coughs]
Yep, we do.
Where do we go?
Many have died in pursuit
of that wretched blade.
Before I send you to your doom,
Prove you are worthy...
By entering the exclusive
pre-order bonus code found on
The inside cover of the art book
in the Deathstalker 2:
King's Ransom edition...
If you dare.
Got it right here.
It's 3-b-b-x-x-y-1.
You are...
Unworthy.
Wait. what?
No, no.
Oh, wait a minute.
It's not a one.
It's a lowercase "l."
You are worthy.
Enjoy your thrilling
DLC adventure.
Thank you.
But before you do,
Hear this tragic tale
of Sir Babbages
And the cursed blade...
Skip, skip, skip.
I and knights ...
Skip, skip, skip, skip.
Seeing nothing but death...
Skip, skip, skip, skip, skip.
...ash under a sky of blood.
Skip, skip, skip.
Dude, we're on a clock here.
I should have...
I should have stayed a farmer.
Just skip it.
[groans]
Okay, looks like it's, uh,
yeah, this way.
I didn't tell Ki not to talk
to you or anything.
Okay.
She's just busy.
You should hang out with her
sometime.
I will.
Thanks.
Anyway, let's get this
over with.
Traveler, beware!
Hello?
Is anybody down here?
[dial-up connections whining]
I didn't think you'd show up.
Say hello to the Fruit Tune
Farmers.
Hi.
A.cC's broken,
Runny noses wherever you look,
Spotty wi-fi.
We lost our Fiddle Fig crop
when the router timed out.
We'd suffer it all if we could
get some decent computers.
Well, I can see why you would
need wi-fi and actual chairs,
But the computers seem to be
running the game just fine.
All we want is equal
treatment.
These computers are lame.
The ones they got upstairs...
they're, like, from the future.
Well, that's because they're
for playing real games.
"Real games"?
Oh, i'm sorry.
Fruit Tune Farms may not have
fancy graphics or take
lightning-fast reflexes,
But it takes dedication and care
to tend these crops.
We love it, and it brings us
together.
So i ask you, Ki swan, isn't
that what gaming's all about?
[shrieking]
[dragon screeches]
[groaning]
Where is she?
She has to get...
Ah, Ki!
Where have you been?
The debate's in, like,
five seconds!
I was talking with the
Social gamers...
Dah ... Blagh!
Whatever, okay?
Look, bad news...
Shane... Shane promised pizza
Parties to every team in the school.
So we have to shift to a
pro-pizza party platform.
You got that?
When they ask about the
student funds...
Wendell, there's good things
we can do with that money.
Aw, Ki, look at that crowd.
They are literally eating up
Shane's message!
Candidates, tick tock.
Let's get this show on the road.
Guh.
[exhales deeply]
And every night i would open
ip that freezer door and say,
"I love you...
My strawberry swirl."
Thank you.
Jenny...
Same question.
If Brian turned into
a strawberry milkshake,
would you still love him?
Um...
No, because he'd be a milkshake.
[crowd grumbling]
So physical attraction
is important to you.
[crowd booing]
What?
No, i'm just being realistic.
Come on.
Looks like the only thing
colder than that milkshake
is jenny's heart.
That's 20 more points
For Ashley!
Next segment...
"Did Jenny just say that?"
What?
Jenny, rank your favorite
races in order.
Um, wha...
It's just a thought
experiment, jenny.
No one will get mad at you.
Okay.
Um...
Well, i guess that i'm white,
So...white.
And then i love indian food,
so maybe that would be two?
We were talking about
World of Warcraft.
Oh, my God.
[crowd booing]
And that is how my drinking
fountain redistribution act will
ensure equal access to all
students without increasing
hallway foot traffic.
[polite applause]
Okay, final question...
How do you plan to use the
student fund to benefit vghs?
Shane, two minutes.
I only need two words...
Pizza parties!
[crowd cheering]
Pizza, pizza, pizza...
All right, all right,
all right, all right, all right.
Ki Swan, any rebuttal?
Pizza parties are good...
But...
My pizza parties will come with
free garlic knots!
[crowd cheering]
Garlic knots?
Why didn't we think of that?
You're fired, Sebastian.
Okay, man.
I get it.
30 seconds, Ki.
Anything else?
Ki?
Is that all?
Also, i would like to use
a portion of the fund to buy new
computers for the social gamers.
[crowd grumbling, booing]
As class president, i want to
make this school better for
every gamer.
[crowd jeering]
They don't even have chairs,
And pizza's unhealthy!
[jeering continues]
[laughing]
Yes.
[roars]
Ted!
[roars]
Ted, now!
[beast roaring frantically]
[chuckles]
At last, the curse is broken.
Thank you,
true friend! Finally...
And skippity-skip.
I'll take that blade now, buddy.
Here you are, good sir...
One Babbage's blade,
As promised.
Wait. What?
You picked up the sword.
It's bind on pickup.
Wait, no.
Ugh, the whole quest
is ruined now!
Dude, I'm sorry.
You're supposed to pick up
The sword with the Glove of
No Binding.
Well, maybe you should have
told me that, Ted.
Oh, so this is my fault now.
Yes, a little bit.
You picked up the sword!
I didn't know about the
glove, okay?
Maybe you would have if
you hadn't skipped all of the
quest dialogue!
The dialogue is so boring.
You're boring!
Oh, real mature, Ted.
Ted!
[door opens]
Well, I hope you're happy.
You just cost Ki the election.
I'm just trying to help, ted.
What are you doing?
I'm doing the quest again,
alone.
It doesn't work like that,
idiot.
Don't call me an idiot,
you jerk!
God, Ted, you're such
an asshole!
[crash]
Ugh.
Dude, are you okay?
Screw you.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Dude, i'm sorry.
I didn't mean to.
I'm sorry.
[crying] no, you're not.
You're not my friend.
No, Ted, i am.
I'm sorry.
I...
I didn't mean to.
I'm really sorry, man.
Shut up, Brian!
Just shut up!
I'm done.
Go to hell.
He's on fire!
And he's good at basketball.
What a scholar!
Now, Jenny, an anonymous
informant tells us you have
a hidden talent of your own.
Uh, are you talking about
DXM?
No.
Even more embarrassingly,
you used to play
Paropera the Opera, like a nerd.
Who told you that?
Loading Paropera the Opera.
Jenny will now sing for us.
Oh, no, no, no, thank you.
I don't do that.
Oh, come on, jenny.
Let's hear it.
I'm sure you sound lovely.
Right, everyone?
Sing...
Sing, sing, sing, sing,
Sing, sing, sing, sing, sing,
Sing, sing, sing, sing, sing...
[chanting intensifies]
[crowd cheering]
[lights bang]
[singing opera]
* *
[cheers and applause]
I can't believe you told them
That I sing.
Well, it's a good thing
I did...
You were dying out there.
Well, thanks.
[clears throat]
Coach Latour.
Oui?
I'm sorry.
I'm just...i'm a really big fan.
You are Jenny Matrix, oui?
Yeah.
This has been quite
the season.
Wow.
Thanks.
You're... quite the coach!
[chuckles]
Um... ah...
What i meant was, you've been
watching me?
But of course.
This is the scouting season.
You are the best sniper
in the entire league.
[chuckles]
The Panthers would be very
lucky to have you.
Shut up.
That's stupid.
Just keep it up.
Mm-hmm.
But now excuse me.
I'll be very late for my flight.
Au revoir.
That means "Till we meet
again!"
[squeals]
[sighs]
Hey, Ki.
Wendell?
You got to come see this.
[laughs]
Uh, wendell...
What's going on?
You stood up for us, Ki Swan.
You looked out for
the little guy.
Now we're looking out for you.
Say hello to your new campaign
team.
[chuckles]
Let's get to work.
[Irish folk music]
* *
Theodore?
Are you living here?
Yeah.
You got a problem with that?
What troubles you?
I had one stupid thing to do
today ... get that sword for Ki.
I couldn't even get that right.
Come with me.
[Tomowatchi squeaking]
[squeaking continues]
No!
[animals squeaking weakly]
Vote for Ki.
[knock at door]
Hi.
Hey.
How'd it go?
It was amazing.
I met Jacques Latour.
I sang opera.
You didn't watch it?
No, I was going to,
But Ted came over, so...
Really?
How did that go?
[sighs]
Not great, but, you know,
friends come and go, right?
Tell me about Jacques.
Brian, are you okay?
Yes.
Really?
Yes, yes, no, i just...
I'd like to talk about your
day, please.
Well, um...
First off...
[zipper opens]
Backstage food is awesome...
And free.
I have so much candy
Here...oh, my gosh.
It's, like, gonna gain
ten pounds tonight.
don't care.
I'm gonna get a cavity.
Love it.
[people cheering]
[irish folk music]
* *
Ted!
I got you the M.M.O. guild.
[laughs]
They're gonna vote for you.
You're amazing, ted.
Come on.
This is my boyfriend, ted.
He's on the campaign too.
Yes!
* *
[music drowning out]
[eerie atmospheric music]
* *
Hello, welcome to
Brother Hotline.
Please say the name of the
biological brother you wish
to speak to.
Ashley... Barnstormer.
You said Ashley Barnstormer.
Is this your name... Shane Pizza?
Yes.
Your real name is
Shane Barnstormer,
Brother of Ashley Barnstormer.
Connecting you to your brother
now.
Expected wait time for your
brother is...right now.
[door opens]
What's up, brother?
You called?