1 00:00:07,090 --> 00:00:09,850 Ah! Now, that was some fantastic chow mein. 2 00:00:09,860 --> 00:00:11,550 And before you say that sounded racist, 3 00:00:11,570 --> 00:00:13,300 you can ask the waiter how they say it. 4 00:00:13,320 --> 00:00:15,920 It's Panda Express, honey. The waiter's from Portland. 5 00:00:15,930 --> 00:00:17,700 All right, who the hell changed my ringtone 6 00:00:17,720 --> 00:00:19,920 to the theme from "Taxi"? 7 00:00:19,940 --> 00:00:21,420 It's a new thing on Taxi Tok. 8 00:00:21,430 --> 00:00:22,990 That's a subculture on TikTok of kids 9 00:00:23,010 --> 00:00:24,800 who decided the theme from "Taxi" slaps. 10 00:00:24,810 --> 00:00:26,159 Now you have to play the "Taxi" theme 11 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:27,530 for ten people while I film it. 12 00:00:27,540 --> 00:00:29,260 I don't have to do shit. That's dumb. 13 00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:32,520 It raises awareness for leukemia. 14 00:00:32,530 --> 00:00:35,800 So... who else is excited for the zoo tomorrow? 15 00:00:35,820 --> 00:00:38,210 Zoos are my favorite kind of non-water park. 16 00:00:38,220 --> 00:00:40,320 It's just a shame that they both give you diarrhea. 17 00:00:40,340 --> 00:00:43,200 You only get diarrhea at the zoo if you eat the food 18 00:00:43,220 --> 00:00:44,820 you're supposed to feed to the animals. 19 00:00:44,830 --> 00:00:46,450 Which you've done, twice. 20 00:00:46,460 --> 00:00:48,580 They put it in gumball machines. 21 00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:50,440 You know, fortune cookies only come true 22 00:00:50,450 --> 00:00:52,382 if you eat the cookie first. 23 00:00:52,390 --> 00:00:56,344 All right. "Hard work often pays off"? Lame. 24 00:00:56,350 --> 00:00:59,220 "Family time is time well spent." 25 00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:01,391 Okay, that's not only empty. It's been disproven. 26 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:03,840 Okay, mine says, "Family time is time well... " 27 00:01:03,860 --> 00:01:05,186 Oh, man, I got the same one? 28 00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:06,200 - Boo. - Boo. 29 00:01:06,220 --> 00:01:09,760 What's your stupid 21-century watered-down fortune cookie say, Dad? 30 00:01:09,780 --> 00:01:12,360 "You will have sex with your mother." 31 00:01:43,590 --> 00:01:47,812 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - www.addic7ed.com ... 32 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:50,860 Fortune cookies aren't legitimate, right? 33 00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:52,540 Jerry, are you seriously asking 34 00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:54,259 if I think you're gonna have sex with your mom? 35 00:01:54,260 --> 00:01:57,260 No, I-I wanted to ask if it's okay with you 36 00:01:57,280 --> 00:01:59,280 if I make myself throw up the cookie. 37 00:01:59,300 --> 00:02:02,260 If it makes you feel better and you can do it quietly, yes, 38 00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:04,340 but don't hand that advice down to Summer. 39 00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:08,280 Ugh! Can't do it. 40 00:02:08,300 --> 00:02:10,520 Sleepy Gary ruined my gag reflex, 41 00:02:10,540 --> 00:02:13,020 which is frustrating because Sleepy Gary wasn't real. 42 00:02:13,030 --> 00:02:15,980 Neither are fortune cookies. Go to sleep, Jerry. 43 00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:17,770 I know they're not real. 44 00:02:17,780 --> 00:02:19,720 It's just... why is it so specific? 45 00:02:19,730 --> 00:02:20,739 And why are three of the numbers 46 00:02:20,740 --> 00:02:22,750 a few numbers off from my Mom's birthday? 47 00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:24,240 Can we investigate this, Rick? 48 00:02:24,260 --> 00:02:25,520 It's not an X-File, Jerry. 49 00:02:25,540 --> 00:02:27,720 You got the world's last interesting fortune. 50 00:02:27,730 --> 00:02:30,480 Dad, can you explain to TikTok what's going on with your mom? 51 00:02:30,500 --> 00:02:33,060 Summer, no social videoing! What if Mi-Maw sees it? 52 00:02:33,070 --> 00:02:35,340 We can't let her know this is a thing that might happen! 53 00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:36,840 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Uh, "might"? 54 00:02:36,860 --> 00:02:38,399 She's calling again. 55 00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:39,900 She doesn't usually call this much. 56 00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:41,960 Because you don't usually ghost her 57 00:02:41,980 --> 00:02:44,980 because you don't usually decide you're at risk of... 58 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:46,789 What if she's calling me to tell me I'm adopted? 59 00:02:46,790 --> 00:02:49,220 Well, yeah, then you should definitely hit that. 60 00:02:50,350 --> 00:02:51,360 That's not funny! 61 00:02:51,370 --> 00:02:54,480 Jerry, you're making it funny by taking it seriously. 62 00:02:54,500 --> 00:02:57,260 And none of us will be laughing if you let this ruin our zoo trip. 63 00:02:57,270 --> 00:02:59,640 Rick, can you use science to make it impossible for me to... 64 00:02:59,650 --> 00:03:01,020 Jerry, you're insulting science. 65 00:03:01,030 --> 00:03:03,560 And as the most powerful man in the universe, 66 00:03:03,580 --> 00:03:05,970 if I create technology to prevent a random occurrence, 67 00:03:05,980 --> 00:03:08,060 I'll end up making it more possible than random. 68 00:03:09,780 --> 00:03:12,320 - When do we leave for the zoo? 69 00:03:12,340 --> 00:03:15,180 One hour. You have one hour to let go of this. 70 00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:17,150 I'm already done thinking about it. 71 00:03:22,700 --> 00:03:24,490 Check that out, huh? 72 00:03:25,830 --> 00:03:27,220 Ah! 73 00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:28,663 Ah! No! 74 00:03:30,980 --> 00:03:33,125 Aah! Aah! Aah! 75 00:03:34,580 --> 00:03:36,170 Let me out! Let me out! 76 00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:40,100 - You have ten seconds. - I want to go. 77 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,740 You know of my love for the zoo! 78 00:03:41,750 --> 00:03:43,090 Why are you dressed like Morty? 79 00:03:43,110 --> 00:03:44,960 Because Morty's mom is Beth. 80 00:03:44,980 --> 00:03:46,681 I'm not unpacking that. 81 00:03:46,690 --> 00:03:49,240 Okay, if you think I have this much patience for the zoo, 82 00:03:49,260 --> 00:03:51,310 on Earth, you're sorely mistaken. 83 00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:54,280 Jerry, if you don't come with us, I will be so disappointed. 84 00:03:54,300 --> 00:03:56,039 Okay, you guys should probably go on without Jerry. 85 00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:58,240 I just took some readings on his probability field, 86 00:03:58,250 --> 00:03:59,980 and this fortune has some strange powers 87 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:01,539 - I'm gonna need to investigate. - Really? 88 00:04:01,540 --> 00:04:03,680 - Oh, God, I knew it. - Okay. 89 00:04:03,700 --> 00:04:05,140 - Well, be careful, honey. - Ooh! 90 00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:06,699 Bring me back a handful of zebra snacks? 91 00:04:06,700 --> 00:04:10,120 A-And please take pictures with my favorite animal, the white tiger! 92 00:04:10,140 --> 00:04:12,530 - Because they breed via incest? - Is that true? 93 00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:18,296 - Ah. I knew I was right. - Not even close. 94 00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:21,040 I just didn't want to see someone get bullied into going to a zoo. 95 00:04:21,060 --> 00:04:23,299 You may be the single dumbest human I've ever met, Jerry, 96 00:04:23,300 --> 00:04:26,340 but you still have a right to take whatever you want seriously. 97 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:29,239 Thank you, but if that thing says I'm not gonna do it with my mom, 98 00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:30,250 I can go to the zoo. 99 00:04:30,260 --> 00:04:33,000 Jerry, this thing measures aberrations in probability waves. 100 00:04:33,020 --> 00:04:35,350 I didn't even bother to turn it on because if I did... 101 00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:37,720 - Huh. - What? 102 00:04:37,740 --> 00:04:39,460 Nothing. Don't get weird on me. 103 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:41,470 But, uh, since we're free for the afternoon, 104 00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:43,237 you mind doing a quick activity? 105 00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:45,560 We're gonna disprove this with efficient brute force. 106 00:04:45,580 --> 00:04:47,440 These are two shoeboxes. Both are empty, 107 00:04:47,460 --> 00:04:49,379 but I wrote your mother's name on the inside of one. 108 00:04:49,380 --> 00:04:52,180 What? God, no! If you think for a second I'm gonna put my... 109 00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:54,020 Good. I didn't wanna do this anyway. 110 00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:57,585 Fine! Can I just tell you which box I would put my penis in? 111 00:04:57,590 --> 00:05:00,338 Saying it seems worse, but okay. 112 00:05:00,340 --> 00:05:03,507 All right. I would put my penis in the box on the right. 113 00:05:03,510 --> 00:05:05,059 Great. Uh, look in the other direction, 114 00:05:05,060 --> 00:05:06,740 and I'm gonna switch up the boxes. 115 00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:08,040 This feels really low-tech. 116 00:05:08,060 --> 00:05:09,980 Yeah, 'cause we're measuring reality. 117 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:13,190 I would take out my penis 118 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:15,390 and place it in the box on the... right. 119 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:17,021 Again. 120 00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:19,650 I would put my penis... 121 00:05:19,660 --> 00:05:21,389 Jerry, you don't have to say "penis" every time. 122 00:05:21,390 --> 00:05:23,680 - Just left or right. - Hey, this was your idea! 123 00:05:23,700 --> 00:05:25,400 I didn't think it'd go on this long. 124 00:05:25,410 --> 00:05:28,140 Okay, penis. Ugh! Left! 125 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:30,500 - Keep going. - Right. 126 00:05:31,450 --> 00:05:34,190 Left. Right. 127 00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:35,680 Jerry, are you fucking peeking? 128 00:05:35,700 --> 00:05:38,420 Tell me what's going on! You're scaring me! 129 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:42,600 Okay, I'm just as likely to shit a balloon 130 00:05:42,620 --> 00:05:43,750 as I am to become a dolphin. 131 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:44,919 Those are things that could happen? 132 00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:47,030 Jerry, everything is as likely as anything else. 133 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:51,300 Which is why it's weird that you're at all likely to... 134 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:53,030 To what? To what? 135 00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:55,680 Jerry, has your mother been leaving messages? 136 00:05:55,700 --> 00:05:58,280 Three texts. I'm afraid to read them. 137 00:05:58,300 --> 00:05:59,740 Read them. 138 00:05:59,750 --> 00:06:01,780 She's asking if she can come visit. 139 00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:03,440 Why would she want that? 140 00:06:03,460 --> 00:06:07,104 Jerry, I'm gonna tell you something I've never told anyone. 141 00:06:07,110 --> 00:06:09,156 We need to go to Panda Express. 142 00:06:09,900 --> 00:06:11,099 If these guys wanted my respect, 143 00:06:11,100 --> 00:06:12,669 they could've just gotten a liquor license. 144 00:06:12,670 --> 00:06:14,700 Now you think this has something to do with you? 145 00:06:14,710 --> 00:06:17,460 Jerry, whoever's behind that fortune has, like, god powers. 146 00:06:17,470 --> 00:06:19,120 Of course it has something to do with me. 147 00:06:19,130 --> 00:06:21,961 What do you think I am in this story, the father-in-law? 148 00:06:26,100 --> 00:06:28,180 You guys wanted my attention? 149 00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:32,849 Okay, well, now I'm getting mixed signals. 150 00:06:32,850 --> 00:06:33,930 - Gah! 151 00:06:33,940 --> 00:06:35,180 Stay here, Jerry. 152 00:06:35,190 --> 00:06:36,340 Time to kick ass. 153 00:06:36,350 --> 00:06:37,600 Gonna need a soundtrack. 154 00:06:37,620 --> 00:06:39,937 Ship, favorites playlist, track one. 155 00:06:43,890 --> 00:06:45,920 All right, fine. No wrong answers. 156 00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:04,420 Tell me where you get your cookies at, 157 00:07:04,430 --> 00:07:06,229 - and we can all walk out of here alive! - Fuck you, DEA piece of shit! 158 00:07:06,230 --> 00:07:07,569 - DEA? - Cookies? 159 00:07:07,570 --> 00:07:08,759 - Fortune cookies. - You're not here 160 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:10,229 about our gang's city-wide meth ring? 161 00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:13,070 What? No. Break the laws. They shouldn't exist anyway. 162 00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:16,480 Yeah. Wow. I am embarrassed. 163 00:07:16,500 --> 00:07:19,740 Aw, me too. Sorry about, uh, these dead guys. 164 00:07:19,750 --> 00:07:21,180 Comes with the territory. 165 00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:23,280 So w-where do you get your cookies? 166 00:07:23,300 --> 00:07:26,080 Same distributor as everyone else. That's their truck out back. 167 00:07:26,100 --> 00:07:27,660 Solid. Okay, I'm gonna take the truck 168 00:07:27,670 --> 00:07:29,445 in exchange for not turning you in. 169 00:07:35,730 --> 00:07:37,960 Geez. How much money can there be 170 00:07:37,970 --> 00:07:39,371 in cookies that you get for free? 171 00:07:39,380 --> 00:07:41,720 And now we're being retina scanned? 172 00:07:41,730 --> 00:07:43,050 Oh, oh, oh! I know! 173 00:07:43,060 --> 00:07:44,990 - I've got a theory, Jerry. - Oh, good. 174 00:07:45,010 --> 00:07:47,980 This place is run by Cookie Monster. 175 00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:50,260 He's really protective about his cookies. 176 00:07:50,270 --> 00:07:52,160 C'mon, man. You can't crack a smile? 177 00:07:52,170 --> 00:07:54,169 Oh, yeah... you're worried about doing it with your mom. 178 00:07:54,170 --> 00:07:55,340 Okay. Fair enough. 179 00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:58,540 Whoa! 180 00:08:00,350 --> 00:08:03,080 Fucking cameras everywhere. That cup is a camera. 181 00:08:03,090 --> 00:08:04,897 That tree is a camera. 182 00:08:04,900 --> 00:08:06,180 Can you disable them? 183 00:08:06,190 --> 00:08:08,620 Stealth rule number one... turning off 300 cameras 184 00:08:08,630 --> 00:08:11,027 draws more attention than changing outfits. 185 00:08:11,028 --> 00:08:13,364 Looks like we need to dress for success. 186 00:08:13,370 --> 00:08:16,820 Eye of Thundara, give me suits beyond suits! 187 00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:20,450 Jerry, assistant clothing. MAKE-UP! 188 00:08:25,140 --> 00:08:26,700 What the hell was that? 189 00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:28,220 Reuseable "Sailor Moon" sequence. 190 00:08:28,230 --> 00:08:30,339 If we ever need to show you becoming my assistant again, 191 00:08:30,340 --> 00:08:32,100 we can repeat it and save lots of money. 192 00:08:39,250 --> 00:08:41,730 Why does an operation bigger than the government 193 00:08:41,740 --> 00:08:44,380 want me to... couple with my mother? 194 00:08:58,540 --> 00:09:02,663 Whoa. Bezos? Bill Gates? Prime ministers? 195 00:09:02,670 --> 00:09:04,748 Weirdly, Billy Zane is also here. 196 00:09:04,750 --> 00:09:08,627 Hello. You're about to meet me, Jennith Padrow-Chunt. 197 00:09:08,630 --> 00:09:11,440 15 years ago, I was living in my parents' garage, 198 00:09:11,450 --> 00:09:14,842 eating ramen out of a toilet when I discovered something. 199 00:09:14,850 --> 00:09:16,700 Fate isn't fiction. 200 00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:19,550 Everything you want can be yours, if you ask for it. 201 00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:21,300 Just ask me. 202 00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:23,140 - Hello, me. - Hello, me. 203 00:09:23,150 --> 00:09:24,480 Look at Me's. 204 00:09:24,500 --> 00:09:26,604 Every suit I wear is virgin white. 205 00:09:26,610 --> 00:09:28,430 I sleep on a bed of loose grains 206 00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:31,160 and begin every morning by dragging my perfect vagina 207 00:09:31,170 --> 00:09:32,900 across Chinese silver grass. 208 00:09:32,910 --> 00:09:34,720 I'm firm and ripe. 209 00:09:35,470 --> 00:09:37,160 My mother's plane just landed. 210 00:09:37,180 --> 00:09:38,570 She took a photo at the airport 211 00:09:38,580 --> 00:09:41,076 in front of that Wolfgang Puck that smells like a kindergarten. 212 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,239 Want to know the secret 213 00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:44,413 - to how I changed my future? - Yes. 214 00:09:44,420 --> 00:09:46,460 Well, once you're a level seven investor, 215 00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:48,125 you'll learn that and more. 216 00:09:48,130 --> 00:09:50,580 Yeah, we're not getting the answers we want here. 217 00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,254 Let's go deeper. 218 00:09:56,560 --> 00:09:59,120 And now, thanks to your generous contributions, 219 00:09:59,140 --> 00:10:00,880 here are this year's cookies. 220 00:10:02,060 --> 00:10:05,120 "You will receive a 6.8% year-on-year increase." 221 00:10:05,140 --> 00:10:07,740 - Very nice. - "Your talents are appreciated... " 222 00:10:07,750 --> 00:10:10,360 "... when you become junior partner." 223 00:10:10,380 --> 00:10:13,570 Holy shit! I'm going to be on "Dancing with the Stars"! 224 00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:15,630 Please, I can get the money. I swear! 225 00:10:15,650 --> 00:10:18,520 - Gak! - I'm afraid it's too late for that. 226 00:10:19,570 --> 00:10:21,080 Oh, God, what does it say? 227 00:10:21,100 --> 00:10:22,810 "Your penis will be mangled 228 00:10:22,830 --> 00:10:25,460 by a frozen-yogurt machine at the U.N."? 229 00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:26,740 I know that machine! 230 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,500 This would sound impossible to a layman, 231 00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:30,292 but to me it rings inevitable! 232 00:10:30,300 --> 00:10:32,820 Holy shit. This is real. 233 00:10:32,830 --> 00:10:35,440 - They're controlling fate for profit. - I'm glad you're happy. 234 00:10:35,460 --> 00:10:37,720 Now can we blow up the building or something? 235 00:10:37,740 --> 00:10:40,119 I don't think that's the best way to take away their power, Jerry. 236 00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:42,239 Let's take it in a way that ends with us having it. 237 00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:43,600 You mean you having it. 238 00:10:43,610 --> 00:10:45,400 - I'll share it. - Then you fuck my mom. 239 00:10:45,420 --> 00:10:47,960 That's not how it works, and I already have. 240 00:10:47,980 --> 00:10:50,604 - What? - Jesus, Jerry, come on. 241 00:10:51,490 --> 00:10:53,320 How unfortunate. 242 00:10:54,150 --> 00:10:55,776 Use the emergency fortunes! 243 00:10:56,450 --> 00:10:58,445 Fighting fortunes. T-T-They're leveling up! 244 00:10:59,650 --> 00:11:01,782 "You'll have great success in a fight." 245 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:04,160 I'll be damned. 246 00:11:05,460 --> 00:11:07,454 Ha! 247 00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:10,240 Yah! 248 00:11:10,260 --> 00:11:11,458 Fuck! This both sucks 249 00:11:11,460 --> 00:11:12,990 and is really valuable data. 250 00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:14,900 - Ha! - Oh! 251 00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:18,739 Aah! Wha! Rick, what are you doing? 252 00:11:18,740 --> 00:11:20,620 - Using you as a human shield. - You said it! 253 00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:22,700 You said the thing I thought you were doing. 254 00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:25,580 We've got intruders. 255 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:29,020 And one of them... has an unresolved fortune. 256 00:11:30,730 --> 00:11:32,210 We need that man's mother. 257 00:11:32,220 --> 00:11:34,090 Lot of mothers in the world, ma'am. 258 00:11:34,100 --> 00:11:36,380 But only one of them is Mrs... 259 00:11:36,390 --> 00:11:38,850 ugh, God damn it... Smith? 260 00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:46,702 So are we going to ignore that you tried to stop bullets 261 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:47,870 using my body? 262 00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:49,119 You have an unresolved fortune. 263 00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:51,500 Until you have sex with your mom, you're basically immortal. 264 00:11:51,510 --> 00:11:53,570 Do you have any idea how amazing that is? 265 00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:55,160 You don't even care about me. 266 00:11:55,180 --> 00:11:57,578 You just want fortune cookie power. 267 00:11:57,580 --> 00:11:59,450 Okay, Jerry, how 'bout this? 268 00:11:59,460 --> 00:12:00,700 If it comes down to it, 269 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,450 I promise I'll put a bullet in her head. 270 00:12:02,460 --> 00:12:04,060 - No! - Ah, you're right. 271 00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:05,809 The fortune didn't say she'd be alive, did it? 272 00:12:05,810 --> 00:12:07,620 - I hate you! - Hate productive things. 273 00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:09,620 Hate crawling through a fucking air vent. 274 00:12:10,270 --> 00:12:12,740 Ah, those are those weird hex-headed screws. 275 00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:13,939 Do your screwdriver fingers... 276 00:12:13,940 --> 00:12:15,480 Aah! Aah! 277 00:12:32,670 --> 00:12:35,670 Well, at least we have no idea what's going on. 278 00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:38,690 That's a LOCKER-ean. I-It's a species that eats chaos. 279 00:12:38,700 --> 00:12:40,600 But it has its digestive disorder. 280 00:12:40,620 --> 00:12:42,690 Its stomach is stripping randomness from spacetime 281 00:12:42,700 --> 00:12:44,620 and leaving behind super-dense pockets of energy 282 00:12:44,630 --> 00:12:47,030 that bend entropy towards definable outcomes. 283 00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:48,540 I mean, th-that's how fate works. 284 00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:49,765 It's a field, like gravity, 285 00:12:49,770 --> 00:12:51,520 but instead of pulling small toward big, 286 00:12:51,530 --> 00:12:53,020 it pulls unknown toward known. 287 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,900 Ah, so we do know what's going on. 288 00:12:54,910 --> 00:12:56,939 We know this... everyone that's had a fortune cookie 289 00:12:56,940 --> 00:12:59,240 in the last 20 years has eaten this thing's poop. 290 00:12:59,250 --> 00:13:01,160 Fortune cookies are alien poop. 291 00:13:02,420 --> 00:13:03,940 These fortunes are so basic. 292 00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:06,200 Why wouldn't you use this power to change the world? 293 00:13:06,220 --> 00:13:08,960 Or at least get Nintendo to make a portable VR headset? 294 00:13:08,980 --> 00:13:11,480 Ooh, this place ain't for creatin' the future, 295 00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:12,950 but controllin' it. 296 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,790 Hi, I'm Old. Old M. Hucksbee. 297 00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:17,820 The "M" stands for "Man." 298 00:13:17,830 --> 00:13:19,500 You're an arch little character. 299 00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:21,140 You're the reason fortune cookies suck? 300 00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:23,180 No, no, no, that's Jenneth Chunt's idea. 301 00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:25,630 You have to glut the marketplace with pointless fortunes 302 00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:27,460 to increase the value of real ones. 303 00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:29,560 Controlling destiny for a price... 304 00:13:29,580 --> 00:13:32,599 that's the Fortune 500's fortune. 305 00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:34,580 And you're trying to stop them? 306 00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:35,860 Just tryin' to get out. 307 00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:38,400 I want to be free with this here alien gal 308 00:13:38,420 --> 00:13:39,840 so we can get married. 309 00:13:39,850 --> 00:13:41,600 Then we can have relations. 310 00:13:41,610 --> 00:13:43,760 Can't do that before marriage, you know. 311 00:13:43,780 --> 00:13:45,019 I'm a Catholic. 312 00:13:45,020 --> 00:13:46,520 Uh, does the alien want that? 313 00:13:46,530 --> 00:13:49,120 It's not exactly what I'd call a sentient species. 314 00:13:49,130 --> 00:13:50,160 A man knows. 315 00:13:50,170 --> 00:13:52,020 What does this have to do with me? 316 00:13:52,030 --> 00:13:53,960 You put this in my cookie. 317 00:13:53,970 --> 00:13:57,040 Yep. Oh, I've been tryin' to get people's attention. 318 00:13:57,050 --> 00:13:59,780 I'd make fortunes saying, "You're a-gonna break your leg 319 00:13:59,790 --> 00:14:02,000 unless you investigate this cookie company," 320 00:14:02,010 --> 00:14:03,720 or, "Please come help me 321 00:14:03,740 --> 00:14:05,760 or a virus will shut down the world." 322 00:14:05,780 --> 00:14:07,760 Finally I just made a bunch that said, 323 00:14:07,780 --> 00:14:10,387 "You're gonna have sex with your own momma." 324 00:14:10,390 --> 00:14:12,639 How many? It... What happened to the others? 325 00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:14,490 I 'spose they fucked their moms. 326 00:14:14,510 --> 00:14:17,160 Now let's cut her chains and get the hell outta here. 327 00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:21,270 Well, shit on a spaghetti. 328 00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:22,733 Hello, Jerry Smith. 329 00:14:22,740 --> 00:14:25,736 Glad you could join us on Bring Your Mother to Work day. 330 00:14:25,740 --> 00:14:27,362 - Mom! - Hi, Jerry. 331 00:14:27,370 --> 00:14:30,480 Your friends picked me up in a limousine. 332 00:14:30,500 --> 00:14:31,539 They said you won something, 333 00:14:31,540 --> 00:14:33,200 and I should be the one to give it to you. 334 00:14:33,210 --> 00:14:35,746 - You sick fucks. - Are you guys enjoying this? 335 00:14:35,750 --> 00:14:38,720 I used to think I was just a regular white woman. 336 00:14:38,740 --> 00:14:41,460 Then I discovered I could control my destiny. 337 00:14:41,470 --> 00:14:42,860 All white women think that. 338 00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:45,000 The truth is, this alien crashed in your yard 339 00:14:45,010 --> 00:14:46,298 and you ate its shit. 340 00:14:46,300 --> 00:14:48,008 How dare you! What's your name? 341 00:14:48,010 --> 00:14:49,410 How dare you? 342 00:14:49,420 --> 00:14:50,844 We should've blown up the building. 343 00:14:50,850 --> 00:14:52,540 Doesn't matter. All I was gonna say is, 344 00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:55,420 "Guess what, insert name? Time for you to eat shit." 345 00:14:55,430 --> 00:14:57,100 - But first... - Aah! 346 00:14:57,900 --> 00:14:59,120 Oh, no! 347 00:14:59,140 --> 00:15:00,440 - I'm so wet! - Ah! 348 00:15:00,460 --> 00:15:02,564 - No! - Jerry! Come back and block bullets. 349 00:15:02,570 --> 00:15:04,983 Authorizing the use of prototype fortunes. 350 00:15:12,210 --> 00:15:13,408 - Fuck! - You can't hide! 351 00:15:13,410 --> 00:15:15,702 My fortune said, "Headshots only." 352 00:15:17,170 --> 00:15:20,420 Harry! Greg! Lashawn! Dave C.! Dave M.! Noooo! 353 00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:22,084 You piece of shit, you killed my friends. 354 00:15:22,610 --> 00:15:23,627 Oh! 355 00:15:24,460 --> 00:15:26,672 All right, what does the future hold? 356 00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:31,130 Aah! 357 00:15:32,230 --> 00:15:34,180 - Maybe I can Pokémon this shit. 358 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,265 Blast him, or we're both gonna die. 359 00:15:36,270 --> 00:15:37,933 Oh, God! Oh, God! 360 00:15:37,940 --> 00:15:40,880 - Aaah! - Whoa! You control control water. 361 00:15:40,890 --> 00:15:44,040 Like, the water inside a guy. That's a gross power. 362 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,979 I'm gonna let you live because your fortune sucks. 363 00:15:50,980 --> 00:15:52,819 You can't kill me! I can't be killed! 364 00:15:52,820 --> 00:15:55,570 Trust me, that's not as good as it sounds. 365 00:15:55,580 --> 00:15:56,868 Aaaaaaah! 366 00:15:56,870 --> 00:15:58,537 Ah! Ah! Aah! 367 00:15:58,540 --> 00:16:00,760 Oh, it hurts! It burns! 368 00:16:00,780 --> 00:16:02,760 Fuck! Oh, my God! My ribs! 369 00:16:02,780 --> 00:16:05,252 I can feel my shattered ribs! 370 00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:15,340 Shit, these are useless. Where are the fighting fortunes? 371 00:16:15,350 --> 00:16:18,500 Ah, no-no-no-no-no! Those are blanks! 372 00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:21,800 Without fortunes, the effects are completely unpredictable! 373 00:16:21,820 --> 00:16:23,300 All right. 374 00:16:33,700 --> 00:16:35,907 I am the son of God! 375 00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:39,244 Ah! 376 00:16:40,210 --> 00:16:42,140 Jerry! 377 00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:46,376 - Help me, Jerry! - Mom! Stay away! Just stay away! 378 00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:48,700 Come on and fuck already! 379 00:16:48,710 --> 00:16:50,800 Ma'am, is it possible we're being given a chance 380 00:16:50,820 --> 00:16:53,580 to take a step back and examine our behavior? 381 00:16:55,390 --> 00:16:57,420 You can't kill me, old man. 382 00:16:57,430 --> 00:16:59,920 I also have an unresolved fortune. 383 00:17:00,350 --> 00:17:03,090 "The most successful businesswoman on Earth?" 384 00:17:03,100 --> 00:17:06,104 You could do anything you wanted and you chose... work? 385 00:17:06,110 --> 00:17:09,287 Every day I get closer to an unattainable goal. 386 00:17:09,290 --> 00:17:12,680 A one-woman lifestyle brand, forever! 387 00:17:12,690 --> 00:17:14,360 Well, I just used a dark web account 388 00:17:14,380 --> 00:17:16,420 to hack Goldman Sachs, remove trillions of dollars, 389 00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:18,340 and purchase everything your company offers. 390 00:17:18,350 --> 00:17:19,359 Congratulations! 391 00:17:19,360 --> 00:17:21,780 You're officially the most successful businesswoman on Earth. 392 00:17:21,790 --> 00:17:23,246 Fortune fulfilled. 393 00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:24,579 And now I'm emptying your bank accounts 394 00:17:24,580 --> 00:17:26,259 and giving the money back to Goldman Sachs, 395 00:17:26,260 --> 00:17:28,460 because I sit dead-center on the alignment chart. 396 00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:31,440 You son of a bitch! 397 00:17:31,450 --> 00:17:33,240 How does it feel to achieve your dreams? 398 00:17:33,250 --> 00:17:34,341 Empty, right? 399 00:17:34,350 --> 00:17:35,910 Like when DiCaprio won the Oscar. 400 00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:37,380 You could see it in his face. 401 00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:41,340 I still have one more dream... 402 00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:46,478 watching you die, Rick Sanchez! 403 00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:48,313 Ha! You knew my name! 404 00:17:58,120 --> 00:17:59,908 She's free! Run! 405 00:17:59,910 --> 00:18:02,040 Run, my beauty! 406 00:18:07,550 --> 00:18:09,920 Well, butterfly on a corncob. 407 00:18:09,930 --> 00:18:12,920 I see that I've romanticized a wild animal 408 00:18:12,930 --> 00:18:14,540 the same way Margaret Howe did 409 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:16,120 when she jerked off that dolphin 410 00:18:16,140 --> 00:18:17,800 in the 19-and-60s. 411 00:18:17,820 --> 00:18:20,870 Both she and I assaulted a captive creature 412 00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:23,200 and expected it to be reciprocal. 413 00:18:23,220 --> 00:18:24,933 Welp, joopityboot. 414 00:18:24,940 --> 00:18:26,500 Time to die. 415 00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:30,814 Ah! 416 00:18:30,820 --> 00:18:33,720 Follow me, my queen! 417 00:18:36,010 --> 00:18:38,822 That's all the bad guys down. We almost got this, Jer. 418 00:18:40,590 --> 00:18:41,720 Ah! 419 00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:45,954 No! 420 00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:48,520 Oh, sticks-to-walls guy, 421 00:18:48,540 --> 00:18:50,400 I-I-I guess we were both wrong. 422 00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:53,180 Oh, God. 423 00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:58,380 Oh! Ah! 424 00:18:58,390 --> 00:18:59,860 Ah! Oh! 425 00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:02,940 Aaaah! Rick! Please! 426 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:04,420 Jerry, I've got the creature. 427 00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:07,267 - I knew it. I knew it. - God damn it! 428 00:19:08,900 --> 00:19:11,729 Aaaaaaaah! 429 00:19:13,490 --> 00:19:14,691 Oh, God! 430 00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:17,152 Aaaaah! 431 00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:18,236 God damn it. 432 00:19:24,930 --> 00:19:27,600 Ah. Holy shit, that was close. 433 00:19:27,620 --> 00:19:28,740 Close to what? 434 00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:32,180 Close to everyone but your son getting anything they want forever. 435 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:33,300 You saved me. 436 00:19:33,310 --> 00:19:35,500 I will never stop holding this over you, 437 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:37,300 as if that buys me anything. 438 00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:39,800 - We should get you some clothes, son. - Oh, oh! 439 00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:46,300 I can just feel the savings. 440 00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:49,500 Hey, wait, uh... 441 00:19:49,510 --> 00:19:52,100 Got this at the crazy place we just were. 442 00:19:52,110 --> 00:19:54,879 It may look like someone stuck a hand-written fortune 443 00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:56,529 in there last second, but I'm pretty sure 444 00:19:56,530 --> 00:19:58,040 that's just the way it came. 445 00:19:58,060 --> 00:19:59,611 Besides, these don't mean anything. 446 00:20:01,490 --> 00:20:03,780 - Jerry, while I appreciate the sentiment, 447 00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:06,470 this is a huge waste of the last real fortune. 448 00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:08,320 Oh. I'm sorry. I just... 449 00:20:08,330 --> 00:20:09,840 It's cool, it's cool. 450 00:20:09,860 --> 00:20:11,760 - Thanks, friend. - Friend? 451 00:20:11,770 --> 00:20:12,979 - Did you just say friend? - What? 452 00:20:12,980 --> 00:20:14,600 - W-W-What did I do? - You fucking idiot! 453 00:20:14,610 --> 00:20:17,129 I'm not your friend! Why did you think I was your friend? 454 00:20:17,130 --> 00:20:18,540 Look at this you piece of shit. 455 00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:20,620 - Yeah, yeah, yeah, so? - I was immortal! 456 00:20:20,630 --> 00:20:22,200 I was immortal for that whole fight. 457 00:20:22,210 --> 00:20:24,200 All I had to do was never make a new friend. 458 00:20:24,210 --> 00:20:26,820 - Jesus fucking Christ, Jerry. - I'm sorry! We're not friends! 459 00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:28,080 Yeah, too late, bonehead. 460 00:20:28,100 --> 00:20:30,140 It doesn't say "new permanent friend." 461 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:33,000 All friendships end, especially new ones. 462 00:20:33,020 --> 00:20:36,540 Well, maybe that's a fate the two of us still control. 463 00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:44,020 I'm... I'm sorry I did that. 464 00:20:44,030 --> 00:20:45,200 It's fine. 465 00:20:53,630 --> 00:20:59,921 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - www.addic7ed.com ... 466 00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:28,980 The zoo. Animals. Balloons. Moats. Cages. 467 00:21:28,990 --> 00:21:30,600 A fun time for the whole family. 468 00:21:30,610 --> 00:21:32,579 But you don't care about that. You're a zebra. 469 00:21:32,580 --> 00:21:34,970 You're here for the unparalleled dining experience 470 00:21:34,980 --> 00:21:37,039 of hand-fed zebra food. Delicious. 471 00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:38,890 He... Hey, wait. Don't eat... 472 00:21:38,900 --> 00:21:40,420 Th... That's for the zebras. 473 00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:42,060 It's making you sick! What are you doing? 474 00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:43,809 Jesus, why have they left all the zebra-feeding 475 00:21:43,810 --> 00:21:45,069 to the people who come to the zoo? 476 00:21:45,070 --> 00:21:46,950 Is that the only way the zebras can get food? 477 00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:48,880 They're so hungry. What the fuck is happening? 478 00:21:48,900 --> 00:21:50,350 We're out of zebra food. Okay? 479 00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:52,240 There's no food left. Don't come to the zoo. 480 00:21:52,250 --> 00:21:54,240 This was supposed to be a commercial for zebras, 481 00:21:54,250 --> 00:21:55,380 targeted to zebras. 482 00:21:55,390 --> 00:21:57,280 The premise itself was questionable, but this... 483 00:21:57,290 --> 00:21:58,480 this is a nightmare! 484 00:21:58,490 --> 00:22:00,340 Don't go to the zoo. Stay away from the zoo. 485 00:22:00,350 --> 00:22:01,859 Oh, God, what are you doing in the booth? 486 00:22:01,860 --> 00:22:03,420 Get out! Get out, you're mad with... 487 00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:08,280 Ow. Eat it. Eat zebra food. 488 00:22:08,290 --> 00:22:11,190 Okay, um. I guess I can't blame Dad for being confused 489 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:12,720 about what to do with the zebra food. 490 00:22:12,730 --> 00:22:16,140 Also, I have no idea why they're running this ad, like, on a loop? 491 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:17,240 There were murders in it, 492 00:22:17,260 --> 00:22:18,789 and it was specifically telling you to do 493 00:22:18,790 --> 00:22:20,129 the thing it didn't want you to do 494 00:22:20,130 --> 00:22:21,860 until the very end, when it reversed. 495 00:22:21,870 --> 00:22:23,970 Why would they sell the zebra food in the gift shop, 496 00:22:23,980 --> 00:22:26,610 unless... I mean, do the zebras shop in here? 497 00:22:26,620 --> 00:22:28,240 Are we the ones in the zoo? 498 00:22:28,250 --> 00:22:29,420 Oh, is that the twist? 499 00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:31,346 Okay, we're... it's a human zoo. Got it.