1 00:00:02,332 --> 00:00:04,664 Come on, football! Go, go! 2 00:00:06,920 --> 00:00:08,160 Oh, come on. 3 00:00:08,297 --> 00:00:10,504 Play football! 4 00:00:18,015 --> 00:00:19,380 - Aaah! 5 00:00:20,601 --> 00:00:22,467 So, you're mining stuff to craft with 6 00:00:22,603 --> 00:00:23,934 and crafting stuff to mine with? 7 00:00:24,062 --> 00:00:25,848 - Uh-huh. - Did your dad write this game? 8 00:00:25,981 --> 00:00:27,892 - Mean. 9 00:00:30,193 --> 00:00:33,311 Gentlemen, you're needed by a friend in Washington! 10 00:00:33,447 --> 00:00:35,779 How clandestine. 11 00:00:37,326 --> 00:00:38,816 If they can teleport, why did we take — 12 00:00:38,952 --> 00:00:40,488 I just work here, Steve, same as you! 13 00:00:41,663 --> 00:00:44,496 All right. All right, all right. 14 00:00:44,625 --> 00:00:46,707 - Mr. President. - It's about time, gentlemen. 15 00:00:46,835 --> 00:00:47,916 Rick, do you need to drink in here? 16 00:00:48,045 --> 00:00:49,376 - Yes. - Here's the adventure. 17 00:00:49,504 --> 00:00:51,415 Some kind of alien... googa 18 00:00:51,548 --> 00:00:53,289 has infested the Kennedy Sex Tunnels. 19 00:00:53,425 --> 00:00:55,336 I want it hunted down and taken out. 20 00:00:55,469 --> 00:00:56,755 Kennedy Sex Tunnels? 21 00:00:56,887 --> 00:00:58,127 Naturally, you'll forget you saw them, 22 00:00:58,263 --> 00:01:00,425 along with, in order of national embarrassment, 23 00:01:00,557 --> 00:01:02,594 the Truman Cocaine Lounge, the McKinley Hooker Dump, 24 00:01:02,726 --> 00:01:04,637 and the Lincoln Slave Coliseum. 25 00:01:04,770 --> 00:01:06,431 He didn't free them all. 26 00:01:06,563 --> 00:01:07,644 And let me know when you're done. 27 00:01:07,773 --> 00:01:08,683 Maybe then we could get a selfie? 28 00:01:08,815 --> 00:01:10,897 Too busy, Morty. Now tell me about this summit. 29 00:01:11,026 --> 00:01:13,518 Is it a peace one or a regular one? 30 00:01:23,705 --> 00:01:25,161 Ugh. This sucks. 31 00:01:25,290 --> 00:01:26,405 God, tell me about it. 32 00:01:26,541 --> 00:01:27,906 Oh, man. If you're not into it - 33 00:01:28,043 --> 00:01:29,750 What do you mean? Why would I be into it? 34 00:01:29,878 --> 00:01:31,835 - It's lame. - You're into lame stuff, Morty. 35 00:01:31,963 --> 00:01:33,954 I thought young dumb people considered it an honor 36 00:01:34,091 --> 00:01:36,173 to work for presidents or whatever the shit. 37 00:01:36,301 --> 00:01:38,463 Maybe the first few times, but this just sucks. 38 00:01:38,595 --> 00:01:40,336 He treats us like Ghostbusters. 39 00:01:40,472 --> 00:01:42,179 - We should talk to him. - Yeah, that sounds fun. 40 00:01:42,307 --> 00:01:44,548 Let's set some boundaries with a spoiled control freak 41 00:01:44,685 --> 00:01:45,800 that thinks he runs the world 42 00:01:45,936 --> 00:01:47,973 and orders drone strikes to cope with his insecurity. 43 00:01:48,105 --> 00:01:50,437 It's either that or more of this. 44 00:01:50,565 --> 00:01:51,930 Third choice... 45 00:01:52,067 --> 00:01:53,432 - "Minecraft." - You like it now? 46 00:01:53,568 --> 00:01:55,775 Got to be honest, Morty. It's growing on me. 47 00:01:55,904 --> 00:01:57,269 Notify the president. 48 00:01:57,406 --> 00:01:59,693 - What do I tell him? - Tell him the truth. 49 00:01:59,825 --> 00:02:03,659 Tell him Rick and Morty just blew off America. 50 00:02:35,527 --> 00:02:36,858 You can use that wood to make a chest. 51 00:02:36,987 --> 00:02:38,318 Oh, good. Then I can store all this wood 52 00:02:38,447 --> 00:02:39,937 I'll need later for chest-making. 53 00:02:40,073 --> 00:02:41,108 Okay. You're not going to have fun 54 00:02:41,241 --> 00:02:42,572 if you analyze everything. 55 00:02:42,701 --> 00:02:43,816 This is what they'd rather do? 56 00:02:43,952 --> 00:02:45,613 It's all in the transcript. 57 00:02:45,746 --> 00:02:47,487 "Treats us like Ghostbusters." 58 00:02:47,622 --> 00:02:49,158 So, Ghostbusters aren't cool now? 59 00:02:49,291 --> 00:02:50,827 I don't recall signing that bill. 60 00:02:50,959 --> 00:02:51,949 "Control freak." 61 00:02:52,085 --> 00:02:54,326 "Orders drone strikes to cope with..." 62 00:02:56,047 --> 00:02:56,912 "Insecurity." 63 00:02:57,048 --> 00:02:58,334 Should we drone-strike them? 64 00:02:58,467 --> 00:03:00,333 - That would prove him right! - And blow him up. 65 00:03:00,469 --> 00:03:01,550 Give me the phone. 66 00:03:01,678 --> 00:03:03,385 Is this game popular with autistic people? 67 00:03:03,513 --> 00:03:04,924 Why would you say something like that? 68 00:03:05,056 --> 00:03:06,296 'Cause I'm starting to love it. 69 00:03:07,517 --> 00:03:09,428 "Failure to answer is a felony offense"? 70 00:03:09,561 --> 00:03:10,426 Play it cool. 71 00:03:10,562 --> 00:03:12,303 As far as he knows, we're still in the tunnels. 72 00:03:13,565 --> 00:03:15,181 When should we reveal we can see them? 73 00:03:15,317 --> 00:03:16,728 We're holding all the cards right now. 74 00:03:16,860 --> 00:03:18,771 We don't show any before the time is right. 75 00:03:18,904 --> 00:03:20,019 - Awesome. Yello? 76 00:03:20,155 --> 00:03:21,520 Hi, guys. US. President calling. 77 00:03:21,656 --> 00:03:22,987 - How's it going? - Oh, hey. 78 00:03:23,116 --> 00:03:25,027 Just hard at work on this sex tunnel gagoo. 79 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:26,946 I think it's kind of our new archnemesis, you know? 80 00:03:27,078 --> 00:03:28,068 It might take a while. 81 00:03:28,205 --> 00:03:29,491 What do you think, Morty, a month? 82 00:03:29,623 --> 00:03:30,954 Fingers crossed, a month, yeah. 83 00:03:32,459 --> 00:03:33,620 You lying dicks! 84 00:03:33,752 --> 00:03:35,163 I see your asses playing "Minecraft"! 85 00:03:35,295 --> 00:03:36,626 I got you on satellite! 86 00:03:36,755 --> 00:03:37,961 That's right. 87 00:03:38,089 --> 00:03:39,295 What do you have to say for yourselves? 88 00:03:39,424 --> 00:03:41,210 Okay, obviously, this looks bad, Mr. President. 89 00:03:41,343 --> 00:03:42,629 I mean, what doesn't look bad 90 00:03:42,761 --> 00:03:43,967 through an illegal spy satellite? 91 00:03:44,095 --> 00:03:45,085 Don't high-road me. 92 00:03:45,222 --> 00:03:46,804 The two of you break 1,000 federal laws a day. 93 00:03:46,932 --> 00:03:48,548 - Wow, really? - That's pretty cool. 94 00:03:48,683 --> 00:03:50,890 And, yes, yes, yes, yes, you save the world now and then. 95 00:03:51,019 --> 00:03:52,100 America returns that favor 96 00:03:52,229 --> 00:03:54,596 by not holding the two of you accountable to its laws. 97 00:03:54,731 --> 00:03:56,392 - Oh! - Oh! Oh. God. 98 00:03:56,525 --> 00:03:58,141 We — We didn't know you saw it that way. 99 00:03:58,276 --> 00:03:59,937 Well, it's nobody's fault. 100 00:04:00,070 --> 00:04:01,777 We never had "the talk," so to speak. 101 00:04:01,905 --> 00:04:03,020 Yeah. I mean, the way we see it, 102 00:04:03,156 --> 00:04:05,818 when we show up, that's the favor to you. 103 00:04:05,951 --> 00:04:07,783 Especially, you know, when it turns out 104 00:04:07,911 --> 00:04:09,572 you wanted someone to come over just because you found 105 00:04:09,704 --> 00:04:11,365 an "X-Files" monster in your basement. 106 00:04:11,498 --> 00:04:14,661 As for the reason you've never, like, arrested us, 107 00:04:14,793 --> 00:04:16,875 we assumed you just knew that it was impossible, 108 00:04:17,003 --> 00:04:18,368 like, if you tried. 109 00:04:18,505 --> 00:04:20,542 You know, it wouldn't go well. 110 00:04:21,550 --> 00:04:24,759 Wouldn't go well? Can you elaborate? 111 00:04:24,886 --> 00:04:27,628 I think one of your 1,000 laws says, no, I can't elaborate. 112 00:04:27,764 --> 00:04:29,471 Just trust me. None of us want to go there. 113 00:04:29,599 --> 00:04:31,010 Which we'll never have to. 114 00:04:31,142 --> 00:04:32,883 By the way, we'll keep on saving the Earth. 115 00:04:33,019 --> 00:04:34,430 You know, we're — we're happy to do that. 116 00:04:34,563 --> 00:04:36,179 Yeah, but not because it contains America — 117 00:04:36,314 --> 00:04:38,646 because moving to a new version of Earth is a bitch and a half. 118 00:04:38,775 --> 00:04:41,358 But feel free to call us, you know, as — as, like, friends. 119 00:04:41,486 --> 00:04:43,523 Yeah, like, if you ever want to take a selfie — 120 00:04:44,322 --> 00:04:45,983 So, are we cool? 121 00:04:47,158 --> 00:04:49,024 Yes. Thank you, gentlemen. 122 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:50,116 I told you, man! 123 00:04:50,245 --> 00:04:52,703 I'm impressed, Morty. That went really well. 124 00:04:55,041 --> 00:04:57,032 Everybody, get ahold of yourselves! 125 00:04:57,168 --> 00:04:59,375 Sir, what is our new Rick and Morty policy? 126 00:04:59,504 --> 00:05:02,622 Our policy is, we never needed them and never will again. 127 00:05:02,757 --> 00:05:04,748 Today, we celebrate our independence 128 00:05:04,885 --> 00:05:06,375 from Rick and Morty. 129 00:05:07,345 --> 00:05:08,676 Everyone out. 130 00:05:18,273 --> 00:05:20,605 All this spring at Clothes Mart, there's a clothes sale. 131 00:05:20,734 --> 00:05:21,849 Come on down to the clothes section. 132 00:05:21,985 --> 00:05:24,101 I just put it on for fun. I know I can't buy it. 133 00:05:24,237 --> 00:05:27,104 Oh, come on. You look great! You're only young once. 134 00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:28,981 Just promise, if the results are too strong, 135 00:05:29,117 --> 00:05:30,027 you'll use protection. 136 00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:31,776 Really? Thanks! 137 00:05:31,912 --> 00:05:34,153 - When did you get rad? - I don't know. 138 00:05:34,289 --> 00:05:38,328 Maybe I adjusted to the divorce and everything's new. 139 00:05:38,460 --> 00:05:39,746 I'll say. I couldn't stand you 140 00:05:39,878 --> 00:05:41,869 for more than an hour at a time before. 141 00:05:42,005 --> 00:05:43,461 No — No offense. 142 00:05:43,590 --> 00:05:46,252 I like it. It's great. You're like a different person. 143 00:05:46,968 --> 00:05:48,458 Yeah. 144 00:05:48,595 --> 00:05:50,506 Different person. 145 00:05:56,311 --> 00:05:58,177 Contato. 146 00:05:58,313 --> 00:06:01,396 Vamos! Vamos! Aaah'.! 147 00:06:01,524 --> 00:06:02,810 How do you like that, Morty? 148 00:06:02,943 --> 00:06:04,854 Whoa! Just like "Minecraft"! 149 00:06:04,986 --> 00:06:07,023 Ooh, a tiny nuclear-capable species 150 00:06:07,155 --> 00:06:08,691 just got discovered in the Amazon. 151 00:06:08,823 --> 00:06:10,313 Let's go make first contact before someone else 152 00:06:10,450 --> 00:06:11,861 - gets all their shit. - What about this? 153 00:06:11,993 --> 00:06:13,654 South Park did it four years ago, Morty. 154 00:06:13,787 --> 00:06:16,028 - They're fast. Or we're slow. 155 00:06:19,668 --> 00:06:20,954 Don't do it, guys. 156 00:06:21,086 --> 00:06:23,498 The casualties would be in the "Brazilians" 157 00:06:23,630 --> 00:06:25,120 because you're Brazilian. 158 00:06:25,256 --> 00:06:26,462 It's a threat and a pun. 159 00:06:26,591 --> 00:06:27,547 Nobody gets me. 160 00:06:27,676 --> 00:06:29,258 Americanos! Pressa! 161 00:06:48,196 --> 00:06:50,312 Oh. Hello, Rick. You're here, too. 162 00:06:50,448 --> 00:06:52,234 I guess this is a global crisis. 163 00:06:52,367 --> 00:06:53,778 Oh, God. Uh, Mr. President, 164 00:06:53,910 --> 00:06:55,400 Morty and I have the situation covered. 165 00:06:55,537 --> 00:06:56,823 I'm sure you did. 166 00:06:56,955 --> 00:06:58,286 - Dismissed. - Dismissed? 167 00:06:58,415 --> 00:06:59,905 Yeah, dismissed. 168 00:07:00,041 --> 00:07:02,282 Not needed here. You can leave and nobody will care. 169 00:07:02,419 --> 00:07:03,284 Have you never heard that before? 170 00:07:03,420 --> 00:07:04,831 Do you even know how to take out this kind of threat? 171 00:07:04,963 --> 00:07:05,998 We're not taking it out. 172 00:07:06,131 --> 00:07:09,294 We're going to shrink down and approach them diplomatically. 173 00:07:12,554 --> 00:07:14,795 You shrink with pills? - Are you still here? 174 00:07:14,931 --> 00:07:16,842 Shouldn't you be going down to your next version of Earth 175 00:07:16,975 --> 00:07:18,932 with your selfie-craving star-fucker sidekick? 176 00:07:19,060 --> 00:07:20,596 - Whoa! - We're allowed to be here. 177 00:07:20,729 --> 00:07:22,140 You aren't president of the Amazon. 178 00:07:22,272 --> 00:07:23,888 Yeah, I learned about your job in school. 179 00:07:24,024 --> 00:07:25,264 You're a civil servant. 180 00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:26,606 We're technically your boss. 181 00:07:26,735 --> 00:07:27,770 Oh, please, Morty. 182 00:07:27,902 --> 00:07:29,484 You pay as many taxes as you have pubes. 183 00:07:29,612 --> 00:07:32,149 Oh, I got pubes, Commander-in-Queef. 184 00:07:32,282 --> 00:07:34,364 - Y-You want to count them? - Commander-in-Queef. 185 00:07:34,492 --> 00:07:35,573 That's it! Do it! 186 00:07:36,786 --> 00:07:38,948 Recognize the rare element Sanchez-eum? 187 00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:41,447 We've been preparing for a Rick- level eventuality for some time. 188 00:07:41,583 --> 00:07:43,620 You mean you've been ordering other people to prepare for it 189 00:07:43,752 --> 00:07:45,493 while you sat on your ass at peace summits. 190 00:07:45,628 --> 00:07:47,460 - Peace summits are important! - Oh, yeah! They work great! 191 00:07:47,589 --> 00:07:49,330 We're really drowning in peace! 192 00:07:49,466 --> 00:07:51,173 - You suck! - You suck! 193 00:07:51,301 --> 00:07:52,791 Task Force Alpha, prepare to shrink. 194 00:07:52,927 --> 00:07:55,760 Is there a Task Force Alpha health plan, by the way? 195 00:07:55,889 --> 00:07:58,130 Because if those pills are based on subatomic compression, 196 00:07:58,266 --> 00:07:59,506 you could get a more curable cancer 197 00:07:59,642 --> 00:08:01,804 just walking through the mushroom clouds. 198 00:08:01,936 --> 00:08:03,222 God damn it! I'll do it. 199 00:08:04,647 --> 00:08:06,979 - Whoa. - Task Force Alpha is disbanded. 200 00:08:07,108 --> 00:08:08,724 And you two aren't American anymore! 201 00:08:08,860 --> 00:08:10,726 I can say that. You're expatriated! 202 00:08:10,862 --> 00:08:12,773 If you step foot on homeland soil again, 203 00:08:12,906 --> 00:08:14,647 I'll treat it as an invasion. 204 00:08:14,783 --> 00:08:15,864 Is this supposed to be painful? 205 00:08:15,992 --> 00:08:16,857 Painful to watch. 206 00:08:16,993 --> 00:08:18,483 Oh, such lame shrinking. 207 00:08:18,620 --> 00:08:20,861 Oh, his clothes stay the same size? 208 00:08:20,997 --> 00:08:23,329 '703 shrinking, party of one. 209 00:08:23,458 --> 00:08:25,495 Eat my shrinking ass! 210 00:08:26,711 --> 00:08:29,203 There he goes. All right. Let's get out of here, Morty. 211 00:08:30,632 --> 00:08:31,838 What the hell? 212 00:08:31,966 --> 00:08:34,048 I made Sanchez-eum up, dumbasses. 213 00:08:34,177 --> 00:08:36,088 Don't believe everything you read on Wikipedia. 214 00:08:36,221 --> 00:08:38,929 Stand down. He's not afraid of pirates. 215 00:08:39,057 --> 00:08:41,640 Oh! Run, Morty! That part was true! 216 00:08:57,534 --> 00:08:58,990 I-I can't talk now, sweetie. 217 00:08:59,119 --> 00:09:00,154 - Oh, when can you? Good point. 218 00:09:00,286 --> 00:09:01,151 What's up? 219 00:09:01,287 --> 00:09:03,574 Remember a little while ago when you said that, if I wanted, 220 00:09:03,706 --> 00:09:06,323 I could, like, leave Earth and wander the infinite cosmos 221 00:09:06,459 --> 00:09:08,791 to figure out who I am and that nobody would ever know I'd left 222 00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:11,207 because you could replace me with a clone? 223 00:09:11,339 --> 00:09:12,500 - Mm-hmm. - Am I the clone? 224 00:09:12,632 --> 00:09:14,043 - Sorry. What? - Am I the clone? 225 00:09:14,175 --> 00:09:16,086 Did the real me choose to leave, and I only think I chose to stay 226 00:09:16,219 --> 00:09:17,300 because that's what I need to think 227 00:09:17,428 --> 00:09:19,135 because I'm the replacement Beth? 228 00:09:19,973 --> 00:09:21,259 - No. - Okay. 229 00:09:21,391 --> 00:09:22,552 Wait. And one more thing. 230 00:09:22,684 --> 00:09:25,767 If I were a clone, would you tell me? 231 00:09:26,771 --> 00:09:28,557 Beth, you know, when — when smart people get happy, 232 00:09:28,690 --> 00:09:30,681 they stop recognizing themselves. 233 00:09:30,817 --> 00:09:34,060 And you are very smart because you're very much my daughter. 234 00:09:34,195 --> 00:09:37,062 Oh, God. You're right. I'm sorry. 235 00:09:37,198 --> 00:09:38,484 - Thank you, Dad. - All good? 236 00:09:38,616 --> 00:09:40,482 Totally. I'm fine now. 237 00:09:40,618 --> 00:09:42,029 And just to be sure, 238 00:09:42,162 --> 00:09:43,618 you're not pretending to be convinced you're real 239 00:09:43,746 --> 00:09:45,407 because you're actually convinced you're a clone 240 00:09:45,540 --> 00:09:47,247 and you're now terrified that becoming self-aware 241 00:09:47,375 --> 00:09:48,991 would mean I'd have to terminate you? 242 00:09:50,295 --> 00:09:52,161 - No. Okay. Glad I could help. 243 00:09:52,297 --> 00:09:53,458 See you soon. 244 00:09:55,091 --> 00:09:58,004 Aaaaaah! 245 00:10:05,727 --> 00:10:06,637 Where do I go? 246 00:10:08,271 --> 00:10:10,387 What does th— What — What — What — What does this mean? 247 00:10:10,523 --> 00:10:11,433 This means nothing. 248 00:10:11,566 --> 00:10:13,273 Pull forward and park. 249 00:10:13,401 --> 00:10:14,516 Then say that, God damn it! 250 00:10:15,445 --> 00:10:16,526 Sorry. 251 00:10:16,654 --> 00:10:18,144 Bad day. 252 00:10:20,074 --> 00:10:22,611 I am Presidentress of the Mega Gargantuans. 253 00:10:22,744 --> 00:10:25,111 We named ourselves before learning we were small. 254 00:10:25,246 --> 00:10:27,738 Madam Presidentress, I'm President of America, 255 00:10:27,874 --> 00:10:28,830 which is basically the world, 256 00:10:28,958 --> 00:10:30,164 but you didn't hear that from me. 257 00:10:30,293 --> 00:10:32,000 - I've come to — - I know who you are. 258 00:10:32,128 --> 00:10:33,835 We've already agreed to a ceasefire 259 00:10:33,963 --> 00:10:35,624 with your ambassadors, Rick and Morty. 260 00:10:35,757 --> 00:10:37,589 - Rick and Morty were here? - Of course they were here. 261 00:10:37,717 --> 00:10:39,458 They can shrink instantly and teleport. 262 00:10:39,594 --> 00:10:41,005 They told me to give you this. 263 00:10:41,137 --> 00:10:43,344 They said it will stretch as your cancer pill wears off 264 00:10:43,473 --> 00:10:46,807 and your body awkwardly enlarges at the rate of a '503 movie. 265 00:10:46,935 --> 00:10:47,800 Are there pants? 266 00:10:47,936 --> 00:10:49,927 They said you'd prefer just a shirt. 267 00:10:50,063 --> 00:10:52,771 Apparently, you have a need to swing your dick around? 268 00:10:54,901 --> 00:10:55,891 Rick and Morty escaped. 269 00:10:56,027 --> 00:10:57,813 No shit. Take me to the Pentagon. 270 00:10:57,946 --> 00:10:59,311 We're at war with Rick and Morty. 271 00:10:59,447 --> 00:11:00,903 You'll want to make a stop at the White House? 272 00:11:01,032 --> 00:11:03,524 I have pants at the Pentagon, Rhonda. It's in my contract. 273 00:11:03,660 --> 00:11:05,321 I mean you need to call a press conference. 274 00:11:05,453 --> 00:11:07,990 Israel and Palestine have announced a permanent ceasefire. 275 00:11:08,122 --> 00:11:09,829 - What? - They signed something called 276 00:11:09,958 --> 00:11:12,199 "The Pretty Obvious If You Think About It" accord. 277 00:11:12,335 --> 00:11:14,576 Apparently, an anonymous American diplomat 278 00:11:14,712 --> 00:11:16,794 took them to a "Star Wars" cantina, 279 00:11:16,923 --> 00:11:18,584 where they smoked perspective-enhancing 280 00:11:18,716 --> 00:11:20,753 alien pheromones through a laser hookah. 281 00:11:20,885 --> 00:11:22,501 I still say it has to be Putin. 282 00:11:22,637 --> 00:11:24,002 It was Rick and Morty, you fucking dunce! 283 00:11:24,138 --> 00:11:25,128 But you're getting the credit, sir. 284 00:11:25,265 --> 00:11:27,051 Your approval rating just hit 100%. 285 00:11:27,183 --> 00:11:28,514 Why would Rick and Morty want that? 286 00:11:28,643 --> 00:11:30,225 Because they're assholes! 287 00:11:30,895 --> 00:11:32,806 I'm flattered, but it takes a whole team 288 00:11:32,939 --> 00:11:34,270 to achieve what we did today. 289 00:11:34,399 --> 00:11:35,730 Thank you. 290 00:11:35,858 --> 00:11:36,393 Well? 291 00:11:36,526 --> 00:11:37,516 They haven't been back home, sir. 292 00:11:37,652 --> 00:11:39,859 We've got every possible location under surveillance. 293 00:11:39,988 --> 00:11:41,729 God damn it! They're right here! 294 00:11:41,864 --> 00:11:43,605 - They're here, God damn it! - Code Red! We need backup! 295 00:11:43,741 --> 00:11:45,323 Everybody relax. 296 00:11:45,451 --> 00:11:46,532 Just waiting for you in the only room 297 00:11:46,661 --> 00:11:48,117 you can't blow up or spy on. 298 00:11:48,246 --> 00:11:49,953 So, we're not changing timelines for you, 299 00:11:50,081 --> 00:11:51,492 but now you have everything you want, 300 00:11:51,624 --> 00:11:54,036 so you can forget we exist, and we'll return the favor. 301 00:11:54,168 --> 00:11:55,374 You couldn't say that in a text? 302 00:11:55,503 --> 00:11:57,961 Well, since we won't be seeing each other again, my — 303 00:11:58,089 --> 00:12:00,251 Guys, we get it. It's a Code Red. Enough. 304 00:12:00,383 --> 00:12:01,965 My grandson has worked hard for you, 305 00:12:02,093 --> 00:12:03,709 and I feel like he's earned a selfie. 306 00:12:03,845 --> 00:12:05,586 Honestly, I could take it or leave it at this point. 307 00:12:05,722 --> 00:12:06,587 You're taking it. 308 00:12:06,723 --> 00:12:08,589 No. What kind of fratty-ass status move is that? 309 00:12:08,725 --> 00:12:09,590 Get out of my office! 310 00:12:09,726 --> 00:12:11,387 Seriously? You're that stubborn? 311 00:12:11,519 --> 00:12:13,260 He's the stubborn one. I'm protecting my country. 312 00:12:13,396 --> 00:12:14,431 Uh, from selfies? 313 00:12:14,564 --> 00:12:16,180 From subordination to hostile powers. 314 00:12:16,316 --> 00:12:17,932 Uh, does China know about that deal-breaker? 315 00:12:18,067 --> 00:12:19,557 China doesn't piss on the White House. 316 00:12:19,694 --> 00:12:21,401 Well, why would they? I'm sure it was expensive. 317 00:12:21,529 --> 00:12:23,065 - Get out. - Not without a selfie. 318 00:12:23,197 --> 00:12:23,811 Arrest them. 319 00:12:23,948 --> 00:12:25,154 Son, you have a right to refuse his order, 320 00:12:25,283 --> 00:12:26,865 and I guarantee you're going to die if you touch me, 321 00:12:26,993 --> 00:12:28,984 and there's no afterlife. Everything just goes black. 322 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:30,201 Don't do it. 323 00:12:30,330 --> 00:12:32,116 - Whoa, Rick! - Okay. What was that? 324 00:12:32,248 --> 00:12:33,238 - Death. - What kind? 325 00:12:33,374 --> 00:12:34,489 - Instant. - There was no sound. 326 00:12:34,625 --> 00:12:36,081 - He just died. - Yeah, terrifying. 327 00:12:36,210 --> 00:12:37,541 It's a terrifying thing to watch happen. 328 00:12:37,670 --> 00:12:38,785 It's called a deterrent. 329 00:12:38,921 --> 00:12:40,286 You couldn't just knock him out? 330 00:12:40,423 --> 00:12:42,130 How is knocking out a deterrent? 331 00:12:42,258 --> 00:12:43,373 Everyone wants to be knocked out. 332 00:12:43,509 --> 00:12:44,749 Nobody wants to be dead. 333 00:12:44,886 --> 00:12:46,217 You committed murder in the Oval Office. 334 00:12:46,346 --> 00:12:47,256 - Now you can't leave. - That's fine. 335 00:12:47,388 --> 00:12:48,878 I said I'm not leaving without a selfie. 336 00:12:49,015 --> 00:12:50,346 Uh, I don't need a selfie. 337 00:12:50,475 --> 00:12:51,431 And I'm saying you aren't getting one 338 00:12:51,559 --> 00:12:52,424 and you aren't leaving. 339 00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:54,972 - So we agree? - Yes. No. We disagree 340 00:12:55,104 --> 00:12:56,936 because you think you're getting a selfie and leaving. 341 00:12:57,065 --> 00:12:57,975 Am I getting a selfie? 342 00:12:58,107 --> 00:12:59,347 - Never. - Then I'm never leaving. 343 00:12:59,484 --> 00:13:00,599 - Exactly. - See? 344 00:13:00,735 --> 00:13:01,600 Does anyone have a shot? 345 00:13:01,736 --> 00:13:03,477 Yes, nine people. I can show you. 346 00:13:04,322 --> 00:13:06,313 - But I wouldn't recommend - - Open fire! 347 00:13:07,033 --> 00:13:07,989 God, you are dumb! 348 00:13:08,117 --> 00:13:09,107 Get the President out of here! 349 00:13:09,243 --> 00:13:10,859 - Bad idea. - Wait. Why? 350 00:13:10,995 --> 00:13:12,030 Because if there isn't someone in here 351 00:13:12,163 --> 00:13:13,449 that they're not supposed to kill, 352 00:13:13,581 --> 00:13:15,197 they're going to wreck the place trying to kill me. 353 00:13:15,333 --> 00:13:17,244 As long as you live, no matter where you are, 354 00:13:17,377 --> 00:13:19,994 if it isn't in a selfie with him, I'll be here. 355 00:13:21,089 --> 00:13:22,204 Jesus! He's not a fucking god! 356 00:13:22,340 --> 00:13:23,546 You don't know what I am! 357 00:13:23,674 --> 00:13:24,709 And you don't know what I can do! 358 00:13:24,842 --> 00:13:25,832 Geez, it's — it's cool, Rick! 359 00:13:25,968 --> 00:13:27,208 I'm Doctor Who in this motherfucker. 360 00:13:27,345 --> 00:13:29,427 I could be a clone. I could be a hologram. 361 00:13:29,555 --> 00:13:31,171 We could be clones controlled by robots 362 00:13:31,307 --> 00:13:32,593 controlled with special headsets 363 00:13:32,725 --> 00:13:33,806 that the real Rick and Morty are wearing 364 00:13:33,935 --> 00:13:34,845 while they're fucking your mother! 365 00:13:34,977 --> 00:13:35,887 I'm going to kill you! 366 00:13:36,020 --> 00:13:37,636 Then come to 312 Olive Street! 367 00:13:37,772 --> 00:13:38,728 Is that her address? 368 00:13:38,856 --> 00:13:40,312 You don't know because you're a bad son! 369 00:13:40,441 --> 00:13:42,933 - Owl - Take him down! Semper fi! 370 00:13:43,069 --> 00:13:43,979 Aaaaah! 371 00:13:44,112 --> 00:13:46,103 Number three, The Twister. 372 00:13:46,239 --> 00:13:47,479 - Ow! Damn it. - Number four... 373 00:13:47,615 --> 00:13:48,821 The Hanky Panky. 374 00:13:50,660 --> 00:13:51,900 Beth? 375 00:13:52,036 --> 00:13:54,152 My dad might have cloned me, and I might be the clone. 376 00:13:54,288 --> 00:13:55,904 And he says I'm not, but that's what he'd say to a clone. 377 00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:58,202 - Typical. - Number six, The Texas Ripple. 378 00:13:58,334 --> 00:13:59,824 You look like you to me. 379 00:13:59,961 --> 00:14:02,794 What are you, an idiot? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 380 00:14:02,922 --> 00:14:03,832 That was so rude. 381 00:14:03,965 --> 00:14:06,297 I came to you for help, and now I'm insulting your intelligence. 382 00:14:06,426 --> 00:14:07,837 And look where intelligence gets you. 383 00:14:07,969 --> 00:14:09,960 Well, don't knock intelligence, because right now 384 00:14:10,096 --> 00:14:12,713 I'd love to understand how I can help you. 385 00:14:12,849 --> 00:14:14,305 I can't be in charge of that, Jerry. 386 00:14:14,434 --> 00:14:16,801 My mind, my ideas are all part of the variable. 387 00:14:16,936 --> 00:14:18,973 The only constant is you. 388 00:14:19,105 --> 00:14:21,767 You know me inside and out. 389 00:14:21,899 --> 00:14:23,310 Do what you have to do. 390 00:14:25,278 --> 00:14:26,768 Okay. Sit down. 391 00:14:26,904 --> 00:14:28,269 Now cross your legs. 392 00:14:28,406 --> 00:14:29,612 That leg on top. Good. 393 00:14:29,740 --> 00:14:31,731 Oh, what is this? 394 00:14:33,035 --> 00:14:34,821 Senior year, I took you on a date 395 00:14:34,954 --> 00:14:36,365 to the Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra 396 00:14:36,497 --> 00:14:39,455 performing the music of Alan Silvestri in the Park. 397 00:14:39,584 --> 00:14:41,575 At this point in the song from "Volcano," 398 00:14:41,711 --> 00:14:43,622 when Tommy Lee Jones and the utility workers 399 00:14:43,754 --> 00:14:46,166 are using cars to guide the lava into a cul-de-sac, 400 00:14:46,299 --> 00:14:47,881 I realized my palms were so sweaty, 401 00:14:48,009 --> 00:14:49,420 I would never get to hold your hand. 402 00:14:49,552 --> 00:14:50,792 But I was desperate to touch you, 403 00:14:50,928 --> 00:14:52,839 so I wiped my palm on the grass next to me. 404 00:14:52,972 --> 00:14:54,804 But a Snickers wrapper kind of got stuck on it, 405 00:14:54,932 --> 00:14:56,673 so I started kind of jiggling it, 406 00:14:56,809 --> 00:14:58,516 whipping it without moving too much. 407 00:14:58,644 --> 00:14:59,975 But you started looking over, and I thought, 408 00:15:00,104 --> 00:15:02,095 "Well, this is it. She's going to see that I'm a loser, 409 00:15:02,231 --> 00:15:03,187 and I'll never get to touch her. 410 00:15:03,316 --> 00:15:04,852 But I still have time to touch her." 411 00:15:04,984 --> 00:15:06,270 But my hand had Snickers on it, 412 00:15:06,402 --> 00:15:07,688 and the brass section was swelling 413 00:15:07,820 --> 00:15:09,527 because it was the scene with the guy melting in the lava. 414 00:15:09,655 --> 00:15:11,646 And I just thought, "Fuck it. Lips don't sweat." 415 00:15:14,410 --> 00:15:16,367 Wow. Yeah. 416 00:15:16,496 --> 00:15:18,863 I'll never forget that feeling. 417 00:15:18,998 --> 00:15:20,705 You're the real thing. 418 00:15:20,833 --> 00:15:22,073 Then that settles it, 419 00:15:22,210 --> 00:15:24,793 because my memory is of hating that night. 420 00:15:24,921 --> 00:15:28,039 But now, reliving it, all I can feel is how lucky I am 421 00:15:28,174 --> 00:15:33,089 to be loved by such a simple, honest, simple man. 422 00:15:33,221 --> 00:15:34,086 Simple twice. 423 00:15:34,222 --> 00:15:36,964 This isn't the woman you married, Jerry, 424 00:15:37,099 --> 00:15:38,681 because this woman loves you. 425 00:15:38,809 --> 00:15:42,143 Uh... well, vive la différence. 426 00:15:42,271 --> 00:15:44,182 Okay. That was lame. 427 00:15:44,315 --> 00:15:46,852 Listen, I — Words. 428 00:15:47,401 --> 00:15:48,607 Don Cheadle. 429 00:15:53,616 --> 00:15:55,698 You have the right to get the fuck out of my office! 430 00:15:55,826 --> 00:15:57,783 You have the right to kiss my dick! 431 00:15:57,912 --> 00:15:59,869 Give me the thing. 432 00:15:59,997 --> 00:16:01,032 Ugh! 433 00:16:01,165 --> 00:16:03,076 Oh! Ugh! 434 00:16:08,256 --> 00:16:09,496 Ugh! 435 00:16:32,947 --> 00:16:34,028 - Ooh! - Ooh! 436 00:16:38,035 --> 00:16:41,369 Oh! 437 00:16:53,801 --> 00:16:54,882 Aah! 438 00:17:06,147 --> 00:17:07,558 Ohh! 439 00:17:07,690 --> 00:17:09,897 Submit! Submit for the selfie! 440 00:17:10,026 --> 00:17:11,983 I yield! I yield! Take the selfie! 441 00:17:12,111 --> 00:17:14,603 Okay. Morty, get in there and say, "Cheese." 442 00:17:15,323 --> 00:17:16,654 Morty? 443 00:17:16,782 --> 00:17:17,863 Morty, come on! 444 00:17:17,992 --> 00:17:19,699 God damn it! 445 00:17:21,245 --> 00:17:24,909 Rick, don't get mad, but I-I stole your portal gun. 446 00:17:25,041 --> 00:17:26,156 What the fuck, Morty? 447 00:17:26,292 --> 00:17:28,954 I told you I didn't want the damn selfie 800 times! 448 00:17:29,086 --> 00:17:30,702 Look, whatever the hell is going on between you 449 00:17:30,838 --> 00:17:32,704 and the president, it's got nothing to do with me. 450 00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:34,422 - So where did you go? I can't tell you. 451 00:17:34,550 --> 00:17:36,712 Rick, did you tell my mom she might be a clone? 452 00:17:36,844 --> 00:17:38,551 No! I told her she wasn't! 453 00:17:38,679 --> 00:17:40,044 Well, isn't that what you'd tell a clone? 454 00:17:40,181 --> 00:17:41,171 Oh, for Christ's sake. 455 00:17:41,307 --> 00:17:43,093 Rick, my mom and dad are getting back together. 456 00:17:43,225 --> 00:17:44,886 What? No! She's not a clone! 457 00:17:45,019 --> 00:17:46,885 Well, she says it doesn't matter if she is or isn't 458 00:17:47,021 --> 00:17:48,261 because now she loves my dad, 459 00:17:48,397 --> 00:17:50,104 and she wanted me and Summer to come home, 460 00:17:50,232 --> 00:17:52,098 and we're hiding from you so you don't kill her 461 00:17:52,234 --> 00:17:55,443 if she's a clone in a place I picked that you will never find. 462 00:17:55,571 --> 00:17:57,938 - So don't look for us. 463 00:17:59,492 --> 00:18:01,483 - Come on, bitch! - Oh, you come on, bitch. 464 00:18:01,619 --> 00:18:02,984 I'm out. I'm done. 465 00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:05,361 I got to - I got to go. 466 00:18:05,498 --> 00:18:07,705 So I win. Then I'm in charge, and you can't leave. 467 00:18:07,833 --> 00:18:09,323 You're a terrorist. You're an enemy of the state, 468 00:18:09,460 --> 00:18:10,996 and you kicked me in the balls 10 minutes ago! 469 00:18:11,128 --> 00:18:12,869 The office of the President can't coexist 470 00:18:13,005 --> 00:18:14,871 with a living god that won't submit to it — 471 00:18:15,007 --> 00:18:16,372 I mean, besides Poseidon. 472 00:18:16,509 --> 00:18:17,965 But he's locked up in Area 51 already, 473 00:18:18,094 --> 00:18:18,959 so that doesn't really count. 474 00:18:19,095 --> 00:18:20,836 Mr. President, I'll make you a deal. 475 00:18:20,971 --> 00:18:22,928 If you let me use your ghetto-ass off-brand 476 00:18:23,057 --> 00:18:24,718 deficit-tripling teleporter, 477 00:18:24,850 --> 00:18:27,467 I can go take care of something, and you'll never see me again. 478 00:18:27,603 --> 00:18:30,061 Yes. Deal. Invisi-troopers, stand down. 479 00:18:30,189 --> 00:18:31,224 - Yeah, yeah. 480 00:18:31,357 --> 00:18:32,222 I don't want to hear it. 481 00:18:32,358 --> 00:18:33,940 You know I could see them this whole time, right? 482 00:18:34,068 --> 00:18:35,433 Don't push it, Sanchez. 483 00:18:45,996 --> 00:18:47,282 He found us! 484 00:18:47,415 --> 00:18:48,496 I told you we shouldn't have gone 485 00:18:48,624 --> 00:18:49,955 to the same cabin as last time! 486 00:18:50,084 --> 00:18:52,371 Oh, we're not going anywhere. This ends now. 487 00:18:53,546 --> 00:18:56,664 Dad, if you're my dad. Of course, you're not my dad. 488 00:18:56,799 --> 00:18:58,631 You're here with a gun because I am a clone. 489 00:18:58,759 --> 00:19:00,295 I guess I have all your daughter's memories. 490 00:19:00,428 --> 00:19:03,841 So I guess I was her, which makes me related to her. 491 00:19:03,973 --> 00:19:05,179 But I don't relate to her. 492 00:19:05,307 --> 00:19:09,301 She left her family and me, which means I relate to them. 493 00:19:09,437 --> 00:19:11,428 So if you kill me, fine. You're not killing her. 494 00:19:11,564 --> 00:19:13,350 But you're killing a real family. 495 00:19:13,482 --> 00:19:15,769 And instead of doing that, will you just go away? 496 00:19:15,901 --> 00:19:17,517 Aren't there, like, infinite timelines? 497 00:19:17,653 --> 00:19:19,815 Can't you just move to one where I don't know I'm a clone 498 00:19:19,947 --> 00:19:22,029 and where a different but identical version 499 00:19:22,158 --> 00:19:24,695 of your authentic sociopathic crazy bitch 500 00:19:24,827 --> 00:19:26,943 of a daughter can keep making you proud 501 00:19:27,079 --> 00:19:28,285 by being somewhere else? 502 00:19:29,415 --> 00:19:31,907 Beth, you crazy bitch. You're my daughter. 503 00:19:32,042 --> 00:19:33,532 I brought this here to kill Jerry. 504 00:19:33,669 --> 00:19:35,660 - Oh, my God! - Jesus Christ! 505 00:19:35,796 --> 00:19:38,663 Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You win, Jerry. You win! 506 00:19:38,799 --> 00:19:42,042 No amount of genius can stop your dumb mediocre vacuous roots 507 00:19:42,178 --> 00:19:44,135 from digging into everything and everyone around you 508 00:19:44,263 --> 00:19:46,755 and draining them of any ability to fend you off. 509 00:19:46,891 --> 00:19:49,804 Well, it couldn't have been easy for you to say that. 510 00:19:49,935 --> 00:19:50,925 I appreciate it. 511 00:19:51,061 --> 00:19:53,143 Morty, where's my portal gun? Let's get out of here. 512 00:19:53,272 --> 00:19:54,353 I'm staying here, Rick. 513 00:19:54,482 --> 00:19:56,098 Are you - Ugh! 514 00:19:56,233 --> 00:19:57,394 Nobody gets it. 515 00:19:57,526 --> 00:19:59,016 Nothing you think matters matters. 516 00:19:59,153 --> 00:20:00,234 This isn't special. 517 00:20:00,362 --> 00:20:01,693 This — This is happening infinite times 518 00:20:01,822 --> 00:20:02,857 across infinite realities. 519 00:20:02,990 --> 00:20:05,357 Including this? 520 00:20:05,493 --> 00:20:06,858 Yes! 521 00:20:06,994 --> 00:20:09,861 Which is not to say that, subjectively, it wasn't funny. 522 00:20:09,997 --> 00:20:10,862 Are you going to stay? 523 00:20:10,998 --> 00:20:12,488 There's infinite timelines, Morty. 524 00:20:12,625 --> 00:20:14,912 Why would I stay in the one where I trashed the White House, 525 00:20:15,044 --> 00:20:16,500 became an enemy of America 526 00:20:16,629 --> 00:20:19,587 and the lowest-status character in my idiot family? 527 00:20:21,467 --> 00:20:23,083 Because of the fart? 528 00:20:23,219 --> 00:20:24,880 There's still some rubble over there. 529 00:20:25,012 --> 00:20:26,594 I don't think you've ever understood 530 00:20:26,722 --> 00:20:29,635 what "Secretary of the Interior" means! 531 00:20:29,767 --> 00:20:31,678 Hi, Mr. President. I'm Rick Sanchez, 532 00:20:31,811 --> 00:20:33,393 but not the one that did this. 533 00:20:33,521 --> 00:20:36,388 We Ricks travel the infinite and switch places with each other 534 00:20:36,524 --> 00:20:37,980 like hermit crabs, I think. 535 00:20:38,108 --> 00:20:39,314 I'm Fly Fishing Rick. 536 00:20:39,443 --> 00:20:40,683 You can distinguish me from the Rick 537 00:20:40,820 --> 00:20:41,810 that you had a falling-out with 538 00:20:41,946 --> 00:20:44,654 by my fly-fishing enthusiasm and accompanying hat. 539 00:20:44,782 --> 00:20:45,943 I hope I can be of service 540 00:20:46,075 --> 00:20:48,112 if, uh, you ever find the planet to be in danger. 541 00:20:48,244 --> 00:20:49,109 Ff lends? 542 00:20:51,372 --> 00:20:52,988 Sounds good to me. 543 00:20:53,123 --> 00:20:54,534 Kids, dinner! 544 00:20:54,667 --> 00:20:55,907 I got Panda Express! 545 00:20:56,043 --> 00:20:57,078 Did you get sugar chicken? 546 00:20:57,211 --> 00:20:58,918 That's kind of the only thing they have. 547 00:20:59,046 --> 00:21:00,628 I love Panda E! Thanks, Mom! 548 00:21:00,756 --> 00:21:02,838 I'm hoping to get a piece of your sugar chicken later. 549 00:21:02,967 --> 00:21:05,129 Stop it. 550 00:21:05,261 --> 00:21:07,047 Here's your stupid hat, dipshit. 551 00:21:07,179 --> 00:21:09,261 Dad, you can't talk to Jerry that way anymore. 552 00:21:09,390 --> 00:21:11,097 We're a real family now. 553 00:21:11,225 --> 00:21:13,216 In many ways, things will be like Season 1 554 00:21:13,352 --> 00:21:14,763 but more streamlined. 555 00:21:14,895 --> 00:21:16,852 Now Jerry and I are happily married parents, 556 00:21:16,981 --> 00:21:18,392 and the idea that I was motivated 557 00:21:18,524 --> 00:21:20,390 by a fear of you leaving can be eschewed. 558 00:21:20,526 --> 00:21:22,563 Eschewed? You've never used that word. 559 00:21:22,695 --> 00:21:24,026 Maybe you are a clone. 560 00:21:24,154 --> 00:21:26,191 It's not like Rick would tell us. 561 00:22:02,985 --> 00:22:05,727 Ooh-wee! What a season! 562 00:22:05,863 --> 00:22:08,400 Sorry I never showed up, but I got married. 563 00:22:08,532 --> 00:22:09,272 I had a baby. 564 00:22:09,408 --> 00:22:12,571 I went back to school and got my G-E-E-E-D. 565 00:22:12,703 --> 00:22:14,944 What did you do while you were waiting? 566 00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:18,698 Hopefully you didn't just fuck around and waste your life. 567 00:22:18,834 --> 00:22:20,245 Ooh-wee! 568 00:22:20,377 --> 00:22:24,962 See you for Season 4 in, like, a really long time! 569 00:22:25,090 --> 00:22:29,175 I might even have a big white Santa Claus beard 570 00:22:29,303 --> 00:22:31,340 and — and — and a — 571 00:22:31,472 --> 00:22:34,385 and a couple of grandkids 572 00:22:34,516 --> 00:22:36,507 and all that kind of stuff. 573 00:22:36,644 --> 00:22:38,726 See you — See you then!