1
00:00:01,935 --> 00:00:04,484
The trick to cereal is
keeping 70% above the milk.

2
00:00:04,563 --> 00:00:07,237
Jerry, get a job.

3
00:00:07,316 --> 00:00:08,863
Uh, w-why
don't you get it, Jerry?

4
00:00:08,942 --> 00:00:11,536
You're the man of the house,
and you don't have a job.

5
00:00:13,405 --> 00:00:14,782
Delivery for Rick.

6
00:00:15,032 --> 00:00:16,454
Morning, Summer, Beth,
and Jerry.

7
00:00:16,533 --> 00:00:19,161
- Gross. What is that thing?
- It's a courier flap.

8
00:00:19,244 --> 00:00:20,587
It's like the intergalactic
version of UPS,

9
00:00:20,662 --> 00:00:22,164
but less off-putting.

10
00:00:22,247 --> 00:00:23,464
Oh, shiiit!

11
00:00:23,540 --> 00:00:25,417
It looks like an egg-vite
from Birdperson.

12
00:00:25,500 --> 00:00:27,594
Must be time
for his annual Oscar party.

13
00:00:27,669 --> 00:00:29,296
And, by the way,
our TV signals take light years

14
00:00:29,379 --> 00:00:30,551
to reach his planet.

15
00:00:30,631 --> 00:00:32,474
Nobody tell him
that "Braveheart" wins.

16
00:00:32,549 --> 00:00:34,472
Greetings.
This is Birdperson.

17
00:00:34,551 --> 00:00:35,723
And Tammy!

18
00:00:35,802 --> 00:00:37,600
Inviting you
to planet Squanch for

19
00:00:37,679 --> 00:00:39,431
our mate-melding ceremony —
- Blugh!

20
00:00:39,514 --> 00:00:40,811
If you're from Earth,

21
00:00:41,058 --> 00:00:42,310
that means
we're getting married!

22
00:00:42,392 --> 00:00:44,770
Oh, my god! My friend Tammy's
marrying Birdperson!

23
00:00:45,020 --> 00:00:46,488
What the hell is a Birdperson?

24
00:00:46,563 --> 00:00:47,780
He's Rick's best friend.

25
00:00:48,023 --> 00:00:49,445
Uh, l-let's not
get carried away, Morty.

26
00:00:49,524 --> 00:00:51,367
Would you like to RSVP
or send a gift?

27
00:00:51,443 --> 00:00:53,366
No. Weddings are basically
funerals with cake.

28
00:00:53,445 --> 00:00:55,368
If I wanted to watch someone
throw their life away,

29
00:00:55,447 --> 00:00:57,290
I'd hang out with Jerry all day.

30
00:00:57,366 --> 00:00:58,788
Affirmative!
Returning to sender.

31
00:00:59,034 --> 00:01:00,126
No, hold on, stay,
courier flaps.

32
00:01:00,202 --> 00:01:01,920
- Staying!
- Dad, you have a friend...

33
00:01:01,995 --> 00:01:03,918
that's getting married.
That's a big deal.

34
00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:05,795
It's a big deal he has a friend.

35
00:01:05,874 --> 00:01:08,377
What do you know
about friendship, Jerry?

36
00:01:08,460 --> 00:01:10,053
Confirmed, shipping Jerry.

37
00:01:10,128 --> 00:01:12,051
- Whoa, whoa, wait! Aah!
- Oh, god! Jerry!

38
00:01:12,130 --> 00:01:13,222
- Dad!
- Dad!

39
00:01:13,298 --> 00:01:15,300
Where is it taking him?

40
00:01:15,384 --> 00:01:17,261
I assume
planet Squanch —

41
00:01:17,344 --> 00:01:19,221
6,000 light years
across the galaxy.

42
00:01:19,304 --> 00:01:20,806
Whoa, t-that's —
That's insane!

43
00:01:20,889 --> 00:01:23,688
Yeah, I know. Now we have
to go to the wedding.

44
00:01:28,100 --> 00:01:34,100
Ripped By mstoll

45
00:02:04,474 --> 00:02:06,067
Rick Sanchez!

46
00:02:06,143 --> 00:02:07,611
You psycho bag of squanch!

47
00:02:07,686 --> 00:02:09,108
Hey, what's up, Squanchy?

48
00:02:09,187 --> 00:02:11,064
- Hey, Squanchy.
- Morty, Summer!

49
00:02:11,148 --> 00:02:12,741
And you must be Beth.

50
00:02:12,816 --> 00:02:14,739
Mwah!
Ensquanche!

51
00:02:14,818 --> 00:02:17,537
Your language has the word
"squanch" in it a lot.

52
00:02:17,612 --> 00:02:18,989
Doesn't that become
tedious and worn out,

53
00:02:19,072 --> 00:02:20,540
like the Smurf thing?

54
00:02:20,615 --> 00:02:23,585
Beth, Squanchy culture
is more contextual than literal.

55
00:02:23,660 --> 00:02:26,129
Just say what's in your
squanch and people understand.

56
00:02:26,204 --> 00:02:27,501
Oh. Okay.

57
00:02:27,581 --> 00:02:30,050
I squanch my family.

58
00:02:30,125 --> 00:02:31,752
- Uh...
- What? I do.

59
00:02:31,835 --> 00:02:34,463
I squanch my family.
- Stop saying it. Gross.

60
00:02:34,546 --> 00:02:36,014
Come on in, guys.

61
00:02:36,089 --> 00:02:37,841
The guest are having
cocksquanches.

62
00:02:44,097 --> 00:02:45,770
Where am I?
- You're at a wedding.

63
00:02:45,849 --> 00:02:47,522
Go change.

64
00:03:02,949 --> 00:03:04,496
Oh, you made it!

65
00:03:04,576 --> 00:03:06,453
I wouldn't miss it
for the world!

66
00:03:06,536 --> 00:03:08,630
Oh, my god.
I love your ring.

67
00:03:08,705 --> 00:03:11,584
Thanks. It was
Birdperson's grandmother's.

68
00:03:11,666 --> 00:03:13,339
She fought a squirrel for it.

69
00:03:13,418 --> 00:03:14,635
Birdperson.

70
00:03:14,711 --> 00:03:16,634
Rick, I am pleased
you and your family

71
00:03:16,713 --> 00:03:18,511
could witness my melding
with Tammy.

72
00:03:18,590 --> 00:03:20,183
Our pleasure.

73
00:03:20,258 --> 00:03:21,635
Yeah, I just hope
you got a pre-meld.

74
00:03:21,718 --> 00:03:23,470
- Rick!
- What? It's just a practical

75
00:03:23,553 --> 00:03:25,351
way of making sure that
when she's done with you,

76
00:03:25,430 --> 00:03:27,182
you can get
one of your balls back.

77
00:03:27,265 --> 00:03:29,188
- Jesus, Dad.
- He's grumpy from the flight.

78
00:03:29,267 --> 00:03:31,190
Ohh, I-I was happy
on the flight.

79
00:03:31,269 --> 00:03:33,112
I'm grumpy from the landing.

80
00:03:33,188 --> 00:03:35,657
Well, I looked
at the guest book.

81
00:03:35,732 --> 00:03:37,905
We don't know
a damn person here.

82
00:03:37,984 --> 00:03:40,078
Hi! Jerry Smith —
Father of the bride's friend.

83
00:03:40,153 --> 00:03:42,372
Advertising is my usual game,
but I'm between —

84
00:03:42,447 --> 00:03:44,199
Jerry, stop networking.
We're in space.

85
00:03:44,282 --> 00:03:45,955
"Jerry, get a job!

86
00:03:46,034 --> 00:03:47,832
Jerry, don't look for a job
at an alien wedding!"

87
00:03:47,911 --> 00:03:49,834
I don't get you.
- This is the closest...

88
00:03:49,913 --> 00:03:51,665
I've ever gotten to this part
of my father's life.

89
00:03:51,748 --> 00:03:53,546
I don't want to blow it.

90
00:03:53,625 --> 00:03:55,252
Okay, I get it.
I'm cramping your style.

91
00:03:55,335 --> 00:03:58,214
You say you get it, but
I'm scared you'll keep doing it.

92
00:03:58,296 --> 00:04:00,219
Look, here's some humans
you can practice on.

93
00:04:00,298 --> 00:04:02,221
You must be
Summer's mom and dad.

94
00:04:02,300 --> 00:04:03,973
We're Tammy's parents —
Pat and Donna Guterman.

95
00:04:04,219 --> 00:04:06,313
Hi. Beth.
This is Jerry.

96
00:04:06,388 --> 00:04:09,107
So your teenage daughter's
marrying a Birdman.

97
00:04:09,182 --> 00:04:10,775
Are you guys down with that?

98
00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:12,444
No pun intended.

99
00:04:12,519 --> 00:04:14,237
We're quite proud.

100
00:04:14,312 --> 00:04:16,485
He's a wonderful person
and an incredible Bird.

101
00:04:16,565 --> 00:04:18,363
Still, what is he, 40?

102
00:04:18,441 --> 00:04:19,613
It's just, you know,

103
00:04:19,693 --> 00:04:21,787
when he was 30,
she was an actual child.

104
00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:23,614
When he was her age,
she wasn't born.

105
00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:25,665
When he was,
let's see, like, 18,

106
00:04:25,740 --> 00:04:28,710
she was literally
in there in your womb.

107
00:04:28,785 --> 00:04:30,412
Imagine being pregnant
with your daughter

108
00:04:30,495 --> 00:04:32,213
and a Bird teenager
comes into your home and says,

109
00:04:32,289 --> 00:04:34,212
"I'll take that.
I'll have sex with that.“

110
00:04:34,291 --> 00:04:35,884
Give us one second.

111
00:04:35,959 --> 00:04:37,882
Were you born with your feet
in your mouth?

112
00:04:37,961 --> 00:04:40,714
I was transported here
against my will in a meatball, all right.

113
00:04:40,797 --> 00:04:43,220
So take your attitude
to the men's section of KMart,

114
00:04:43,300 --> 00:04:45,723
'cause you need to cut me
some slack... s.

115
00:04:45,802 --> 00:04:47,224
I want you to stand
in the corner

116
00:04:47,304 --> 00:04:48,772
and face the corner
and talk to nobody.

117
00:04:48,847 --> 00:04:52,147
Maybe... I... will.

118
00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:54,148
You know, you're not being
very supportive

119
00:04:54,227 --> 00:04:55,854
of Birdperson on his big day.

120
00:04:55,937 --> 00:04:58,156
Birdperson's big day, Morty,

121
00:04:58,231 --> 00:05:01,576
was at Blood Ridge
on Glapflap's third moon

122
00:05:01,651 --> 00:05:03,449
against the Gromflamites!

123
00:05:03,528 --> 00:05:05,781
This?
This is a losing battle.

124
00:05:05,864 --> 00:05:07,787
Geez, Rick,
it's not like he's dying.

125
00:05:07,866 --> 00:05:09,334
He's getting married!

126
00:05:09,409 --> 00:05:10,752
I mean, what do you think's
gonna happen

127
00:05:10,827 --> 00:05:12,454
if you open yourself up
a little bit?

128
00:05:12,537 --> 00:05:13,914
I mean, look around.

129
00:05:13,997 --> 00:05:16,796
This is your family and friends
all around you, you know?

130
00:05:16,875 --> 00:05:18,377
Take the day off.

131
00:05:18,460 --> 00:05:20,428
There's nothing to run from,
nothing to fight.

132
00:05:20,503 --> 00:05:22,426
That's his last name.

133
00:05:22,505 --> 00:05:23,552
Are you hyphenating it?

134
00:05:23,632 --> 00:05:24,849
Squanch this, mo-Fo.

135
00:05:26,426 --> 00:05:28,394
Good one, Morty.
Excuse me, bartender.

136
00:05:28,470 --> 00:05:30,393
Can you make me
a dumb grandson pep talk?

137
00:05:30,472 --> 00:05:33,476
It's one part lame advice about
stuff you know nothing about

138
00:05:33,558 --> 00:05:34,935
and a lot of vodka.

139
00:05:35,018 --> 00:05:36,736
Mm-Hmm.
I have a lot of vodka.

140
00:05:36,811 --> 00:05:37,653
Then I'll take one of those.

141
00:05:37,729 --> 00:05:39,276
I don't need the rest.

142
00:05:39,356 --> 00:05:41,450
God, whatever, Rick.

143
00:05:41,524 --> 00:05:43,993
It sounds like you and my dad
have a long history together.

144
00:05:44,069 --> 00:05:45,662
Wish I could say the same.

145
00:05:45,737 --> 00:05:47,660
The road your father and I
walked together

146
00:05:47,739 --> 00:05:51,619
is soaked deeply with the blood
of both friends and enemies.

147
00:05:51,701 --> 00:05:52,702
Must be nice.

148
00:05:52,786 --> 00:05:54,754
Um, I used to have to draw him

149
00:05:54,829 --> 00:05:56,456
into family photos
with a crayon.

150
00:05:56,539 --> 00:05:58,962
The war in which we fought
is far from over.

151
00:05:59,042 --> 00:06:00,589
We live our lives in hiding.

152
00:06:00,669 --> 00:06:02,797
I guess I should
be happy for you.

153
00:06:02,879 --> 00:06:05,428
I mean, great,
you guys got to hang out.

154
00:06:05,507 --> 00:06:06,975
I hope you had a blast.

155
00:06:07,050 --> 00:06:09,553
The galactic government
considers us terrorists.

156
00:06:09,636 --> 00:06:11,934
It's unwise of me
to share these details,

157
00:06:12,013 --> 00:06:13,515
but I've become inebriated.

158
00:06:13,598 --> 00:06:14,850
I don't know
if you can appreciate

159
00:06:14,933 --> 00:06:17,106
what it means to grow up
without a father, but —

160
00:06:17,352 --> 00:06:18,899
The guest list at this wedding

161
00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:21,732
includes 17 of the Federation's
most wanted.

162
00:06:21,815 --> 00:06:23,738
We have committed
numerous atrocities

163
00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:25,410
in the name of freedom.

164
00:06:25,485 --> 00:06:26,782
Annnd during that time,

165
00:06:26,861 --> 00:06:28,534
I don't suppose he
ever mentioned his daughter.

166
00:06:28,613 --> 00:06:29,990
Are those baby quiches?

167
00:06:30,073 --> 00:06:31,450
Night crawler pate.

168
00:06:31,533 --> 00:06:33,501
I should prepare
for the ceremony.

169
00:06:33,576 --> 00:06:35,544
Like talking to a brick wall.

170
00:06:37,038 --> 00:06:39,006
In the name of the squanch,
the six rivers,

171
00:06:39,082 --> 00:06:41,005
the four squanches,
and the nine balls,

172
00:06:41,084 --> 00:06:45,385
I unite these two organisms
in eternal squanch!

173
00:06:45,463 --> 00:06:47,511
Tammy, you may
squanch your vows now.

174
00:06:47,590 --> 00:06:50,013
Birdperson...

175
00:06:50,093 --> 00:06:54,018
You are my seed,
my worm, my earliness,

176
00:06:54,097 --> 00:06:55,770
and my lack of cats.

177
00:06:55,849 --> 00:06:58,272
I promise to be yours
until your death.

178
00:06:58,351 --> 00:06:59,603
- Nice!
- Aww!

179
00:06:59,686 --> 00:07:01,063
Birdperson.

180
00:07:01,146 --> 00:07:03,990
Tammy, I was approaching
infertility when I met you,

181
00:07:04,065 --> 00:07:05,738
but there is still time.

182
00:07:05,817 --> 00:07:07,444
I am yours until my death.

183
00:07:07,527 --> 00:07:08,949
Aww!

184
00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:10,872
Aww.

185
00:07:10,947 --> 00:07:13,917
I now pronounce you
Squanch and Birdperson!

186
00:07:27,422 --> 00:07:29,675
I am not staring at you.

187
00:07:29,758 --> 00:07:32,762
I am a cyborg photographer.
Just act natural.

188
00:07:32,844 --> 00:07:34,562
This is a candid shot.

189
00:07:34,637 --> 00:07:36,685
I don't require
a camera so —

190
00:07:36,765 --> 00:07:38,517
Sorry.

191
00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:40,477
Hi.
I am not staring at you...

192
00:07:46,441 --> 00:07:47,943
Uh, hi, everybody.

193
00:07:48,026 --> 00:07:49,699
I'm Rick.

194
00:07:49,778 --> 00:07:54,705
You know, when I first
met Birdperson, he was, uhh...

195
00:07:54,783 --> 00:07:56,456
Listen, I'm not the nicest guy
in the universe

196
00:07:56,534 --> 00:07:57,786
because I'm the smartest.

197
00:07:57,869 --> 00:07:59,587
And being nice is something
stupid people do

198
00:07:59,662 --> 00:08:01,005
to hedge their bets.

199
00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:02,458
Now, I haven't been
exactly subtle

200
00:08:02,540 --> 00:08:03,883
about how little
I trust marriage.

201
00:08:03,958 --> 00:08:05,255
I couldn't make it work,

202
00:08:05,502 --> 00:08:06,879
and I could turn a black hole
into a sun,

203
00:08:06,961 --> 00:08:08,929
so at a certain point,
you got to ask yourself

204
00:08:09,005 --> 00:08:10,803
what are the odds this is legit

205
00:08:10,882 --> 00:08:12,555
and not just some big lie
we're all telling ourselves

206
00:08:12,634 --> 00:08:14,102
because we're afraid
to die alone?

207
00:08:14,177 --> 00:08:16,930
Because, you know, that's
exactly how we all die — alone.

208
00:08:17,013 --> 00:08:17,980
- Oh, boy.
- Oh, Dad.

209
00:08:18,056 --> 00:08:19,103
Jesus.

210
00:08:19,182 --> 00:08:21,150
But — But...
here's the thing.

211
00:08:21,226 --> 00:08:23,103
Birdperson is my best friend,

212
00:08:23,186 --> 00:08:25,939
and if he loves Tammy, well,
then I love Tammy, too.

213
00:08:28,775 --> 00:08:32,496
To friendship, to love, and
to my greatest adventure yet —

214
00:08:32,570 --> 00:08:34,823
Opening myself up to others.

215
00:08:34,906 --> 00:08:36,374
Hear, hear!
Cheers!

216
00:08:36,449 --> 00:08:38,372
Cheers to that, motherfucker!

217
00:08:38,451 --> 00:08:41,125
Thank you, Rick.
That was beautiful.

218
00:08:41,204 --> 00:08:44,504
Gosh, I look around this room,
and I think,

219
00:08:44,582 --> 00:08:46,380
"Uh, Tammy,
you're a high-School senior

220
00:08:46,459 --> 00:08:48,006
from the planet Earth,
and you're marrying

221
00:08:48,086 --> 00:08:50,680
a 40-year-old Birdperson?
Like, what?"

222
00:08:51,756 --> 00:08:53,099
Yeah, Tammy!

223
00:08:53,174 --> 00:08:55,802
But then I think, you know,
in a lot of ways,

224
00:08:55,885 --> 00:08:58,809
I'm not a high-School senior
from the planet Earth.

225
00:08:58,888 --> 00:09:01,061
In a lot of ways,
what I really am

226
00:09:01,141 --> 00:09:04,020
is a deep-cover agent
for the Galactic Federation,

227
00:09:04,102 --> 00:09:06,150
and you guys are
a group of wanted criminals,

228
00:09:06,229 --> 00:09:09,153
and this entire building is,
in a certain sense, surrounded.

229
00:09:09,232 --> 00:09:10,984
Oh, shit.

230
00:09:11,067 --> 00:09:13,411
- I... don't get the metaphor.
- I'll explain it to you later.

231
00:09:13,486 --> 00:09:15,159
Everyone here is under arrest

232
00:09:15,238 --> 00:09:16,956
for crimes
against the Federation.

233
00:09:17,031 --> 00:09:18,032
L'chaim!

234
00:09:18,116 --> 00:09:21,336
- Tammy, what are you doing?
- Sit your Bird ass down.

235
00:09:21,578 --> 00:09:23,421
Tammy?

236
00:09:25,248 --> 00:09:27,842
Birdperson!
No!

237
00:09:31,963 --> 00:09:33,055
Holy —

238
00:09:41,222 --> 00:09:43,224
Drop the portal gun.

239
00:09:43,308 --> 00:09:45,310
Slide it to
the center of the room.

240
00:09:47,937 --> 00:09:50,235
Somebody confiscate that
and don't damage it.

241
00:09:50,315 --> 00:09:51,783
They'll want it at —

242
00:10:14,339 --> 00:10:15,761
There's no time to squanch!

243
00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:17,683
Get your family out of here!

244
00:10:17,759 --> 00:10:19,636
I got this.

245
00:10:25,016 --> 00:10:27,235
How about a taste
of my squanch?

246
00:10:30,855 --> 00:10:32,528
Come on, this way!

247
00:10:32,607 --> 00:10:34,325
Squanch this!

248
00:10:42,575 --> 00:10:44,577
Good thing I grabbed
a space weapon.

249
00:10:44,661 --> 00:10:46,504
That's a confetti gun,
you fucking idiot!

250
00:10:46,579 --> 00:10:48,627
- Dad!
- Hold on tight!

251
00:10:51,167 --> 00:10:52,589
Aaah!

252
00:10:56,422 --> 00:10:58,174
Aaaah!

253
00:11:00,385 --> 00:11:02,058
Goddamn it!
Goddamn it!

254
00:11:08,184 --> 00:11:10,152
What the hell happened
back there?

255
00:11:10,228 --> 00:11:12,947
This is on you guys.
I told you weddings are stupid.

256
00:11:15,066 --> 00:11:17,990
Uh, Rick, is there anything
you'd like to tell us

257
00:11:18,069 --> 00:11:20,117
about your relationship

258
00:11:20,196 --> 00:11:23,120
with this previously unknown
galactic government?

259
00:11:23,199 --> 00:11:25,293
All the important points
seem pretty clear, no?

260
00:11:25,368 --> 00:11:27,541
They think they control
the galaxy, I disagree.

261
00:11:27,620 --> 00:11:29,543
Don't hate the player,
hate the game, son.

262
00:11:29,622 --> 00:11:31,750
How could you be so dishonest
with this family?

263
00:11:31,833 --> 00:11:33,961
Oh! Oh, should I have been
more open and trusting

264
00:11:34,043 --> 00:11:35,295
and loving like,
oh, I don't know,

265
00:11:35,378 --> 00:11:38,131
my now dead best friend?
Or your daughter,

266
00:11:38,214 --> 00:11:40,763
who is BFFs
with an intergalactic narc?

267
00:11:40,842 --> 00:11:42,014
Hey, Tammy was cool!

268
00:11:42,093 --> 00:11:44,141
- And now we know why.
- Because of you!

269
00:11:44,220 --> 00:11:46,063
Fuck you, Summer,
and fuck the government,

270
00:11:46,139 --> 00:11:47,937
and fuck me
for letting my guard down,

271
00:11:48,016 --> 00:11:49,563
which I will never do again.

272
00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:51,019
Geez, Rick!

273
00:11:51,102 --> 00:11:53,776
You can't say f—
"'F' you" to your granddaughter.

274
00:11:53,855 --> 00:11:56,324
I just did, Morty.
Here's dessert. Fuck you.

275
00:11:56,399 --> 00:11:58,026
Look, I think we've all had
a tough wedding.

276
00:11:58,109 --> 00:11:59,861
Actually,
the wedding was beautiful.

277
00:11:59,944 --> 00:12:01,116
The reception got out of hand.

278
00:12:01,195 --> 00:12:03,323
Anyway, I say we go home,
sleep it off,

279
00:12:03,406 --> 00:12:05,204
and have a family meeting
in the morning.

280
00:12:05,283 --> 00:12:07,331
Yeah, about going home,
we can't — ever.

281
00:12:07,410 --> 00:12:08,878
What?

282
00:12:08,953 --> 00:12:10,250
Oh, these guys are
looking for us now.

283
00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:11,707
Earth will be swarming
with them.

284
00:12:11,789 --> 00:12:12,836
Us?

285
00:12:12,915 --> 00:12:14,212
- Jerry —
- I want to go home!

286
00:12:14,292 --> 00:12:16,386
Look, anyone that wants
to go back to Earth is free to.

287
00:12:16,461 --> 00:12:18,304
But here's what's gonna happen.

288
00:12:18,379 --> 00:12:19,881
Alien bureaucrats are gonna
arrest you.

289
00:12:19,964 --> 00:12:21,762
They're gonna put
the intergalactic equivalent

290
00:12:21,841 --> 00:12:24,310
of jumper cables
under your nuts and or labia

291
00:12:24,385 --> 00:12:26,137
and hook them up
to an alien car battery

292
00:12:26,220 --> 00:12:27,722
until you tell them
where I am —

293
00:12:27,805 --> 00:12:29,432
Which I guarantee you,
you're not gonna know,

294
00:12:29,515 --> 00:12:31,483
which I guarantee
they won't believe.

295
00:12:31,726 --> 00:12:33,353
So who's homesick?
By applause.

296
00:12:33,436 --> 00:12:35,780
Ladies? Anybody?

297
00:12:35,855 --> 00:12:38,608
What are we going to do?
Where are we going to live?

298
00:12:38,691 --> 00:12:40,864
Take it easy.
This is a blessing in disguise.

299
00:12:40,943 --> 00:12:42,320
Fuck Earth.

300
00:12:42,403 --> 00:12:44,246
You realize our planet's name
means dirt, right?

301
00:12:44,322 --> 00:12:45,824
We'll find a new world.

302
00:12:45,907 --> 00:12:47,204
Computer, how many planets
in the Milky Way

303
00:12:47,283 --> 00:12:49,206
are at least 90% similar
to Earth?

304
00:12:49,285 --> 00:12:52,835
765 known planets.

305
00:12:52,914 --> 00:12:55,292
How many of those are outside
federal jurisdiction?

306
00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:57,628
Three.

307
00:12:57,710 --> 00:12:59,838
See?
Our cup runneth over.

308
00:12:59,921 --> 00:13:01,138
Now, who wants to go shopping

309
00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:03,308
for a brand-new
motherfucking world?

310
00:13:03,383 --> 00:13:04,475
All right!

311
00:13:04,550 --> 00:13:06,393
Look at this baby!

312
00:13:06,469 --> 00:13:08,187
Would you even know
that wasn't Earth?

313
00:13:08,262 --> 00:13:10,105
Yes, because
there's no Africa.

314
00:13:10,181 --> 00:13:12,183
Pssh. White people
problems, Morty.

315
00:13:12,266 --> 00:13:14,394
Let's go down and check her out.

316
00:13:16,479 --> 00:13:18,197
Oh. I thought
it was further away.

317
00:13:18,272 --> 00:13:20,775
I uh... I guess this one's
a little small.

318
00:13:20,858 --> 00:13:22,235
All right, uh, maybe —

319
00:13:22,318 --> 00:13:24,161
Maybe we should go check out
the other two, huh?

320
00:13:28,908 --> 00:13:30,376
Okay, this one's bigger.

321
00:13:33,204 --> 00:13:34,421
This looks nice.

322
00:13:34,497 --> 00:13:35,999
Mom, Dad, look!

323
00:13:36,082 --> 00:13:37,755
Strawberries on a cob!

324
00:13:39,085 --> 00:13:40,962
Whoa!
Hey, check this out!

325
00:13:41,045 --> 00:13:42,718
Flowers on a cob!

326
00:13:42,797 --> 00:13:46,051
Huh. Strawberries and flowers
on a cob, huh?

327
00:13:46,134 --> 00:13:47,351
That's pretty cool.

328
00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:49,930
Are those...
mountains on a cob?

329
00:13:51,931 --> 00:13:54,434
Oh, my god.

330
00:13:59,230 --> 00:14:00,573
Get in the ship, sweetie.
- What?

331
00:14:00,815 --> 00:14:01,907
Get in the goddamn ship!

332
00:14:01,983 --> 00:14:03,235
Everything's on a cob!

333
00:14:03,317 --> 00:14:05,866
The whole planet's on a cob!
Go, go, go!

334
00:14:08,781 --> 00:14:11,159
All right,
third time's the charm.

335
00:14:11,242 --> 00:14:12,243
See what we got here.

336
00:14:15,580 --> 00:14:17,082
Seems good.

337
00:14:17,165 --> 00:14:18,542
And nothing on the cob.

338
00:14:18,624 --> 00:14:20,376
Didn't know that was
a necessity, but...

339
00:14:20,460 --> 00:14:22,554
No, it's nice.
I think this might be it.

340
00:14:22,628 --> 00:14:24,380
Wow!

341
00:14:24,464 --> 00:14:26,216
The sun's rising.

342
00:14:26,299 --> 00:14:28,927
Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

343
00:14:31,262 --> 00:14:33,981
Uh, Dad, how long are the days
on this planet?

344
00:14:34,056 --> 00:14:36,309
Uh, computer, how long
are the days on this planet?

345
00:14:37,602 --> 00:14:39,730
42 hours.

346
00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:41,860
All right, well,
those are the two choices,

347
00:14:41,939 --> 00:14:43,782
'cause cob planet is
off the table.

348
00:14:43,858 --> 00:14:44,984
Now let's take a vote.

349
00:14:45,067 --> 00:14:46,660
Well, it's official.

350
00:14:46,903 --> 00:14:48,780
The obscure planet
known as Earth,

351
00:14:48,863 --> 00:14:51,616
formerly the hiding place
of interstellar terrorist

352
00:14:51,866 --> 00:14:53,618
and fugitive Rick Sanchez,

353
00:14:53,868 --> 00:14:56,838
has just become
the 6,048th planet

354
00:14:56,913 --> 00:14:58,506
to join the Galactic Federation.

355
00:14:58,581 --> 00:15:00,675
The plucky little ball
of water and dirt,

356
00:15:00,917 --> 00:15:02,419
which is where it gets its name,

357
00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:06,177
is dominated by seven billion
primate-descended natives

358
00:15:06,255 --> 00:15:10,226
who love to eat spaghetti
and pray to kangaroos.

359
00:15:10,301 --> 00:15:13,100
Spaghetti, kangaroos?
I've gotta check this place out.

360
00:15:13,179 --> 00:15:15,932
Well, you can.

361
00:15:16,015 --> 00:15:18,188
Contact the Ministry of Tourism
for details.

362
00:15:18,267 --> 00:15:20,361
Up next,
teenagers are calling it

363
00:15:22,563 --> 00:15:24,361
And it's not what you think.

364
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:25,783
What are you —
What did you do that for?

365
00:15:25,858 --> 00:15:27,155
Dramatic effect.

366
00:15:27,235 --> 00:15:29,784
Good morning, family.
Oh, do I smell bacon?

367
00:15:29,862 --> 00:15:31,785
Yes, we discovered
a species of tiny pig

368
00:15:31,864 --> 00:15:33,912
off the coast of New Australia

369
00:15:33,991 --> 00:15:36,164
about 30 yards east.
- Or 300 yards west.

370
00:15:36,244 --> 00:15:37,541
We'd offer you some,

371
00:15:37,620 --> 00:15:39,964
but we hunted it to extinction
for breakfast.

372
00:15:40,039 --> 00:15:41,791
Well, I thought
I'd walk to the South Pole

373
00:15:41,874 --> 00:15:43,626
and do a little bit
of exploring.

374
00:15:43,709 --> 00:15:45,131
If you guys need me, just yell

375
00:15:45,211 --> 00:15:46,383
or throw something so hard

376
00:15:46,462 --> 00:15:48,089
that it goes around the world
and hits me.

377
00:15:48,172 --> 00:15:49,674
Okay, now that he's gone,

378
00:15:49,757 --> 00:15:52,180
can we please talk about
our situation?

379
00:15:52,260 --> 00:15:54,262
Dad, you can't talk about people
behind their back.

380
00:15:54,345 --> 00:15:55,688
You know, it's a small world.

381
00:15:55,930 --> 00:15:57,273
Please, he's in the South Pole!

382
00:15:57,348 --> 00:15:59,726
And we need to have
a serious conversation.

383
00:16:12,029 --> 00:16:14,031
South Pole discovered, baby!

384
00:16:14,115 --> 00:16:15,867
Ohhhh!

385
00:16:15,950 --> 00:16:17,827
Oh fuck! An ice cave?

386
00:16:17,910 --> 00:16:19,127
Shit!

387
00:16:19,203 --> 00:16:21,831
Things just keep on
getting better.

388
00:16:21,914 --> 00:16:24,212
Wow, it's the planet's core.

389
00:16:24,292 --> 00:16:25,839
I'm just saying,

390
00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:28,012
we keep acting
like there's only two options,

391
00:16:28,087 --> 00:16:29,430
but there's not.

392
00:16:29,505 --> 00:16:31,303
So, yes, if we went
back to Earth,

393
00:16:31,382 --> 00:16:33,885
as long as Rick was out there,
they'd wanna interrogate us.

394
00:16:33,968 --> 00:16:36,096
But, and this is
purely hypothetical,

395
00:16:36,178 --> 00:16:38,601
what if we turned your father in
to the government?

396
00:16:38,681 --> 00:16:39,853
Jerry, so help me god,

397
00:16:39,932 --> 00:16:41,900
if you ever bring this up again,
no more bacon.

398
00:16:41,976 --> 00:16:43,523
There already is no more bacon!

399
00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:46,026
This world sucks!
Our life sucks!

400
00:16:46,105 --> 00:16:47,857
Why are we doing this
for someone

401
00:16:47,940 --> 00:16:51,410
that would never do anything
for anyone but himself?

402
00:16:51,485 --> 00:16:53,158
That's not the point, Dad!

403
00:16:53,237 --> 00:16:56,161
We love Rick...
f-for the most part.

404
00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:58,334
Yeah, you don't love
people in hopes of a reward,

405
00:16:58,409 --> 00:17:00,457
Dad, you love them
unconditionally.

406
00:17:00,536 --> 00:17:02,504
That's very good, kids.
I'm proud of you.

407
00:17:02,580 --> 00:17:04,207
Okay, so let me
get this straight.

408
00:17:04,290 --> 00:17:05,462
For the rest of your lives,

409
00:17:05,541 --> 00:17:07,168
no matter how much it hurts you,

410
00:17:07,251 --> 00:17:09,379
no matter how much it
destroys our children's futures,

411
00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:12,181
we're gonna do whatever
Rick wants, whenever he wants?

412
00:17:12,256 --> 00:17:14,054
- Yes.
- Why?

413
00:17:14,133 --> 00:17:16,727
Because I don't want him to
leave again, you dumb asshole!

414
00:17:26,187 --> 00:17:28,235
Hey. Uh...

415
00:17:28,314 --> 00:17:30,658
I was gonna hope over
to the Gloppydrop system,

416
00:17:30,733 --> 00:17:32,155
get some ice cream.

417
00:17:32,234 --> 00:17:33,827
You — You want me
to come with?

418
00:17:34,070 --> 00:17:36,493
Don't you need my brain waves
for camouflage or something?

419
00:17:36,572 --> 00:17:38,666
I'll be okay.
Bye, Morty.

420
00:17:38,741 --> 00:17:40,368
Rick?

421
00:17:40,451 --> 00:17:42,203
You're not leaving, right?

422
00:17:42,286 --> 00:17:44,129
Yeah, I am.
To get ice cream.

423
00:17:44,205 --> 00:17:45,752
So, you're coming back?

424
00:17:45,831 --> 00:17:48,050
Morty, if you go to where
there's a bunch of ice cream

425
00:17:48,125 --> 00:17:49,297
and then you don't come back,

426
00:17:49,377 --> 00:17:50,970
you haven't
actually gotten ice cream,

427
00:17:51,045 --> 00:17:53,218
you've just gone
where ice cream is.

428
00:17:53,297 --> 00:17:55,345
Rick, I can handle it if you go,

429
00:17:55,424 --> 00:17:57,267
but you'll break Mom's heart.

430
00:17:57,343 --> 00:17:58,970
And I won't forgive you
for that.

431
00:17:59,053 --> 00:18:01,351
Where's the van, Morty?

432
00:18:01,430 --> 00:18:04,274
It's over the horizon
in the driveway.

433
00:18:24,495 --> 00:18:25,872
For English, press 2.

434
00:18:26,122 --> 00:18:27,715
Connecting to agent.

435
00:18:27,790 --> 00:18:29,542
Ongoing investigations.

436
00:18:29,625 --> 00:18:32,720
Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith,
I'm from planet Earth.

437
00:18:32,795 --> 00:18:35,093
I know the whereabouts
of Rick Sanchez,

438
00:18:35,172 --> 00:18:36,424
the wanted criminal.

439
00:18:36,507 --> 00:18:37,724
Hold on!

440
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:39,222
This is Special Agent Gribbles.

441
00:18:39,301 --> 00:18:40,644
You have a tip
about Rick Sanchez?

442
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:42,722
Yeah, he kidnapped me
and my family,

443
00:18:42,805 --> 00:18:44,728
and he left us
on Dwarf Terrace-9.

444
00:18:44,807 --> 00:18:47,560
He said he was gonna
go to the Plimplom Tavern.

445
00:18:47,643 --> 00:18:49,395
And listen.
- Yes?

446
00:18:49,478 --> 00:18:51,401
I'm doing what's right
for the galaxy by calling you,

447
00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:55,326
so if we come back to Earth, can
my family have a normal life?

448
00:18:55,401 --> 00:18:57,995
We only want Sanchez, sir.
Your family will be fine.

449
00:18:58,070 --> 00:18:59,572
Nice. Thank you.

450
00:18:59,655 --> 00:19:01,282
I'm Jerry Smith,

451
00:19:01,365 --> 00:19:04,244
and I love sucking big,
sweaty boners

452
00:19:04,326 --> 00:19:08,547
and licking disgusting
furry testicle sacks.

453
00:19:08,622 --> 00:19:10,624
Uh... okay.

454
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:40,746
- He's not coming back, is he?
- No.

455
00:19:43,115 --> 00:19:46,119
Hey, look, cops.

456
00:20:02,718 --> 00:20:04,561
How long will you be
visiting Earth?

457
00:20:04,637 --> 00:20:05,934
Oh, we live here.

458
00:20:06,013 --> 00:20:08,311
We were just off-planet
for a wedding.

459
00:20:08,390 --> 00:20:09,642
Go that way.

460
00:20:30,621 --> 00:20:32,669
I have processed
that you are in in distress

461
00:20:32,748 --> 00:20:34,842
and have proscribed
antidepressants.

462
00:20:34,917 --> 00:20:37,386
Compliments of
the Galactic Federation.

463
00:20:37,461 --> 00:20:38,553
I feel better.

464
00:20:38,629 --> 00:20:40,302
Your debt is 7,000 Fed credits.

465
00:20:40,381 --> 00:20:42,099
Report to
the Ministry of Employment

466
00:20:42,174 --> 00:20:44,427
and you will be assigned
a function.

467
00:20:44,510 --> 00:20:47,889
Honey! I got a job!

468
00:20:50,516 --> 00:20:53,986
Sorry, I am not staring at you,
I am taking your mug shot.

469
00:21:14,957 --> 00:21:16,880
Hey, what are you in for?

470
00:21:16,959 --> 00:21:19,587
Everything.

471
00:21:55,456 --> 00:21:57,379
Hoo-Whee,
what a cliffhanger.

472
00:21:57,458 --> 00:21:59,051
On, boy, oh. my!

473
00:21:59,126 --> 00:22:01,470
That's a real crazy ending, huh?

474
00:22:01,545 --> 00:22:05,049
Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole
from episode 204.

475
00:22:05,132 --> 00:22:06,930
As you can see,

476
00:22:07,009 --> 00:22:08,932
I'm still recovering
from the bullet shot

477
00:22:09,011 --> 00:22:10,934
that I got from Beth.

478
00:22:11,013 --> 00:22:13,015
Remember that one?
Ooh-Whee!

479
00:22:13,098 --> 00:22:15,066
Come and get it, kitty.

480
00:22:15,309 --> 00:22:17,778
You know, these little fellows
help me get through the day.

481
00:22:18,854 --> 00:22:20,527
Ooh-whee.

482
00:22:20,606 --> 00:22:22,529
Oh, whoo-whee!
Feels better.

483
00:22:25,361 --> 00:22:27,363
I got a large pepperoni
and some crazy sticks.

484
00:22:27,446 --> 00:22:29,869
Hey, what did you think
of that finale, huh?

485
00:22:29,949 --> 00:22:32,702
Mm! You think the Smith family
is gonna be okay?

486
00:22:32,785 --> 00:22:34,207
Yeah, I don't know
what you're talking about, bro.

487
00:22:34,286 --> 00:22:35,959
Your total is $12.37.

488
00:22:36,038 --> 00:22:37,961
Whoo-Whee! You think
Rick's gonna get out off jail?

489
00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:39,917
Whoo-Whee, you think
the family's gonna rescue him?

490
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:41,547
Hey, what the fuck?
Get the fuck off me!

491
00:22:43,754 --> 00:22:44,971
Ow!

492
00:22:45,047 --> 00:22:46,549
Tune in to "Rick and Morty"
season three in,

493
00:22:46,632 --> 00:22:48,680
like, a year and a half...

494
00:22:48,759 --> 00:22:52,354
or longer
to see how we unravel this mess.

495
00:22:52,429 --> 00:22:53,601
Ooh-Whee!

496
00:22:53,681 --> 00:22:55,103
Oh, my god!

497
00:22:55,349 --> 00:22:56,601
Did you get any of that?

498
00:22:56,684 --> 00:22:58,652
It's-a good-a show!

499
00:23:01,100 --> 00:23:09,100
Ripped By mstoll