1
00:00:04,501 --> 00:00:06,424
Don't worry about Jerry.
He's gonna be fine.

2
00:00:06,503 --> 00:00:08,676
You hear me, Jerry?
You're gonna be fine.

3
00:00:08,755 --> 00:00:10,348
- Whoa!
- Ooh, watch out for that stuff.

4
00:00:10,424 --> 00:00:12,017
It'll stain
if it gets on your clothes,

5
00:00:12,092 --> 00:00:13,685
and it'll send you
into a murderous rage

6
00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:15,353
if it gets
in your eyes or mouth.

7
00:00:15,429 --> 00:00:17,022
Why would you keep
mutant bacteria

8
00:00:17,097 --> 00:00:18,690
in a pint of Cherry Garcia?

9
00:00:18,765 --> 00:00:20,187
I know this isn't the time,
but, you know,

10
00:00:20,267 --> 00:00:21,610
technically, the second freezer
drawer is mine.

11
00:00:21,685 --> 00:00:22,937
- Not anymore.
- You're overreacting!

12
00:00:23,020 --> 00:00:24,317
We're losing him.
- All right, fine.

13
00:00:24,396 --> 00:00:25,613
But you're
not touching my crisper.

14
00:00:25,689 --> 00:00:27,282
- Is he going to die?
- Don't worry.

15
00:00:27,357 --> 00:00:29,359
Dr. Glip Glop
is the best in the galaxy.

16
00:00:29,443 --> 00:00:31,286
Hello, I'm Dr. Glip Glop.

17
00:00:31,945 --> 00:00:34,073
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!

18
00:00:34,156 --> 00:00:35,453
Aah!

19
00:00:35,532 --> 00:00:38,001
What?

20
00:00:38,076 --> 00:00:40,374
Every hospital claims to have
the best doctor in the galaxy.

21
00:00:40,454 --> 00:00:42,172
It's like those pizza places

22
00:00:42,247 --> 00:00:43,920
that claim to have
the best pizza in the world.

23
00:00:43,999 --> 00:00:45,626
What do you think,
they have pizza contests?

24
00:00:45,709 --> 00:00:47,177
Have you ever been
to a pizza contest?

25
00:00:47,252 --> 00:00:48,925
- Go in the waiting room, Dad.
- Fine!

26
00:00:49,004 --> 00:00:51,052
Excuse me.

27
00:00:51,131 --> 00:00:52,633
Coming through.
What are you here for?

28
00:00:52,716 --> 00:00:53,683
Just kidding.
I don't care.

29
00:00:56,094 --> 00:00:57,391
Well, this won't do.

30
00:00:57,471 --> 00:00:59,769
- Hey, what are you doing?
- A sequel.

31
00:00:59,848 --> 00:01:02,271
- I don't understand.
- Yeah, me, neither.

32
00:01:02,351 --> 00:01:04,479
We pretty much nailed it
the first time.

33
00:01:20,827 --> 00:01:22,921
Ooh! Ooh!

34
00:01:22,996 --> 00:01:24,589
Ow!

35
00:01:24,665 --> 00:01:27,760
"Man vs. Car,"
the newest hit show,

36
00:01:27,834 --> 00:01:31,134
- Where it pits a man...
- Yeah!

37
00:01:31,213 --> 00:01:32,681
- ... versus a car.

38
00:01:32,756 --> 00:01:34,508
On tonight's episode,

39
00:01:34,591 --> 00:01:36,593
Michael Jenkins fights
a regular old car.

40
00:01:36,677 --> 00:01:38,520
Here we go.

41
00:01:38,595 --> 00:01:40,347
Oh, he's pushing
his way through.

42
00:01:40,430 --> 00:01:41,682
He's trying to fight that car,

43
00:01:41,765 --> 00:01:43,438
but the car seems to have
the upper hand.

44
00:01:43,517 --> 00:01:46,066
Oh, he's got a little bit
of pushback there.

45
00:01:46,144 --> 00:01:48,397
Oh, no.
He just got ran over...

46
00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:50,528
and chewed up by the tires.

47
00:01:50,607 --> 00:01:53,531
I guess that's another one
for the cars.

48
00:01:55,028 --> 00:01:57,406
I mean,
wouldn't the cars always win?

49
00:01:59,116 --> 00:02:02,461
Samantha, I need to know
that you understand

50
00:02:02,536 --> 00:02:05,710
that I have a couple
of eyeholes.

51
00:02:05,789 --> 00:02:07,712
I do. I do understand
about your eyeholes.

52
00:02:07,791 --> 00:02:10,385
Here, look at my eyeholes.

53
00:02:10,460 --> 00:02:14,385
Oh, my god.
You have eight eye ho— holes.

54
00:02:15,882 --> 00:02:17,805
Ohh, I'm looking through
your eyeholes.

55
00:02:17,884 --> 00:02:19,807
Yes, look through my eyeholes.

56
00:02:22,180 --> 00:02:26,080
Ripped By mstoll

57
00:02:26,101 --> 00:02:28,103
I'm the Eyehole... Man.

58
00:02:28,186 --> 00:02:32,532
I'm the only one that's
allowed to have Eyeholes.

59
00:02:32,607 --> 00:02:35,986
Get up on out of here
with my Eyeholes.

60
00:02:36,069 --> 00:02:37,992
Eyeholes.
Get them today.

61
00:02:38,071 --> 00:02:39,698
You gotta be
careful, Morty.

62
00:02:39,781 --> 00:02:41,533
If that guy catches you
with a box of his Eyeholes,

63
00:02:41,616 --> 00:02:43,209
he comes bursting in
through a window

64
00:02:43,285 --> 00:02:44,878
and just starts
kicking the shit out of you.

65
00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:46,542
But it's worth the risk.

66
00:02:46,621 --> 00:02:48,214
They melt in your mouth, Morty.
They're delicious.

67
00:02:48,290 --> 00:02:50,133
Dad, I can't believe
you're explaining alien cereal.

68
00:02:50,208 --> 00:02:52,586
- We're worried about Jerry.
- Well, you're 39 years too late,

69
00:02:52,669 --> 00:02:54,467
or, you know, however old he is.

70
00:02:54,546 --> 00:02:56,048
Is he — Is he 50?

71
00:02:56,131 --> 00:02:57,929
Jesus Christ, Beth,
is — Is Jerry 50?

72
00:02:58,175 --> 00:03:00,553
Where am I?

73
00:03:00,635 --> 00:03:03,935
Relax, Mr. Smith.
You're in an alien hospital.

74
00:03:04,181 --> 00:03:05,774
I mean, to you,
it's an alien hospital.

75
00:03:05,849 --> 00:03:07,442
To me,
you're just in a hospital.

76
00:03:07,517 --> 00:03:08,769
There's another matter
we need to discuss with you.

77
00:03:08,852 --> 00:03:09,853
Okay.

78
00:03:09,936 --> 00:03:11,688
An hour ago, Shrimply Pibbles,

79
00:03:11,772 --> 00:03:14,446
the galaxy's most influential
civil rights leader,

80
00:03:14,524 --> 00:03:16,822
was brought to this hospital's
emergency room,

81
00:03:16,902 --> 00:03:19,155
where he is currently fighting
for his life.

82
00:03:19,237 --> 00:03:20,284
My god.

83
00:03:20,363 --> 00:03:24,163
Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibbles'
life can be saved

84
00:03:24,242 --> 00:03:28,042
if we replace
his heart with your human penis.

85
00:03:28,121 --> 00:03:29,589
I see.
Wait, what?

86
00:03:29,664 --> 00:03:31,462
It's perfect.

87
00:03:31,541 --> 00:03:33,043
The configuration of veins,

88
00:03:33,126 --> 00:03:35,504
the ratio of thickness
to elasticity,

89
00:03:35,587 --> 00:03:37,806
the delicate asymmetry
of what you call your balls,

90
00:03:37,881 --> 00:03:40,680
and with relatively
few adjustments,

91
00:03:40,759 --> 00:03:43,353
your genitals can be molded
into a functioning heart

92
00:03:43,428 --> 00:03:46,227
for the most important man
in the universe.

93
00:03:46,306 --> 00:03:48,149
- Yeah, but — I mean —
- Oh, forget it!

94
00:03:48,225 --> 00:03:50,102
I told you this was
a waste of time!

95
00:03:50,185 --> 00:03:51,687
Have respect, Yarp.

96
00:03:51,770 --> 00:03:53,693
The Earth man's world
is tiny and undeveloped.

97
00:03:53,772 --> 00:03:55,945
He knows nothing
of the genocides of Clorgon

98
00:03:56,191 --> 00:04:00,822
or the tragic events
of 65.3432.23/14.

99
00:04:00,904 --> 00:04:04,750
And even if he did,
he wouldn't comprehend them.

100
00:04:04,825 --> 00:04:06,953
I've dwelt among the humans.

101
00:04:07,202 --> 00:04:11,002
Their entire culture
is built around their penises.

102
00:04:11,248 --> 00:04:13,125
It's funny to say
they are small.

103
00:04:13,208 --> 00:04:15,461
It's funny to say they are big.

104
00:04:15,544 --> 00:04:16,966
I've been at parties

105
00:04:17,212 --> 00:04:21,137
where humans have held
bottles, pencils, thermoses

106
00:04:21,216 --> 00:04:23,844
in front of themselves
and called out,

107
00:04:23,927 --> 00:04:27,727
"Hey, look at me.
I'm Mr. So-And-So-Dick.

108
00:04:27,806 --> 00:04:30,525
I've got such-and-such
for a penis."

109
00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:33,023
I never saw it fail
to get a laugh.

110
00:04:33,270 --> 00:04:34,567
All right!
That's enough!

111
00:04:34,646 --> 00:04:36,319
You guys are talking
about my species.

112
00:04:36,398 --> 00:04:39,322
We understand genocide.
We do it sometimes.

113
00:04:39,401 --> 00:04:40,994
Then you would give your penis

114
00:04:41,236 --> 00:04:42,579
so that Shrimply Pibbles
might live?

115
00:04:42,654 --> 00:04:44,577
- Stop asking!
- Yes, I will!

116
00:04:44,656 --> 00:04:46,249
That's right, assholes.

117
00:04:46,324 --> 00:04:47,792
Take my penis.
Take it all!

118
00:04:47,868 --> 00:04:49,120
And tell Shrimply Pibbles

119
00:04:49,202 --> 00:04:51,455
that when the galaxy
came calling,

120
00:04:51,538 --> 00:04:53,757
Jerry Smith from Earth
didn't flinch!

121
00:04:57,252 --> 00:04:58,879
Hey, w-what's wrong,
Morty?

122
00:04:58,962 --> 00:05:00,430
Oh, you're worried
about your dad, huh?

123
00:05:00,505 --> 00:05:01,722
Huh?
Oh, no, no, no.

124
00:05:01,798 --> 00:05:03,425
I'm just —
I'm just looking

125
00:05:03,508 --> 00:05:05,431
at that lady over there
getting coffee.

126
00:05:05,510 --> 00:05:06,727
What's up with her face?

127
00:05:06,803 --> 00:05:09,147
Is she human,
or is she like Worf?

128
00:05:09,222 --> 00:05:10,565
You know, Worf from "Star Trek,"

129
00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:12,893
how he has all that shit
all over his face,

130
00:05:12,976 --> 00:05:15,149
but he's just a human
in a costume, you know?

131
00:05:15,228 --> 00:05:16,821
Morty, uh, let's see
what else is on, huh?

132
00:05:16,897 --> 00:05:18,194
Okay.

133
00:05:18,273 --> 00:05:20,196
And now we're back
to "How Did I Get Here?"

134
00:05:20,275 --> 00:05:22,994
the only show
that makes you ask yourself,

135
00:05:23,069 --> 00:05:24,946
"How did I get here?"

136
00:05:26,323 --> 00:05:27,996
Here's our first person.

137
00:05:28,074 --> 00:05:30,076
Oh. Oh, my god.

138
00:05:30,327 --> 00:05:32,000
How did I get here?

139
00:05:32,078 --> 00:05:33,751
Hello?

140
00:05:33,830 --> 00:05:35,707
How did I get here?
Somebody, help me, please!

141
00:05:35,790 --> 00:05:37,758
All right!

142
00:05:37,834 --> 00:05:40,257
Holy crap! Look, it's that lady
with the shit on her face

143
00:05:40,337 --> 00:05:42,931
like Worf from "Star Trek"
that was getting coffee!

144
00:05:43,006 --> 00:05:44,679
How did she get there?

145
00:05:44,758 --> 00:05:46,510
Oh, my god, Morty,
how did she get there?

146
00:05:46,593 --> 00:05:48,766
How did she get there?

147
00:05:48,845 --> 00:05:51,598
Is that something
we should be concerned about?

148
00:05:51,681 --> 00:05:53,900
Just stay away
from the coffee machine.

149
00:05:53,975 --> 00:05:56,444
Calling all
Jan Michael Vincents.

150
00:05:56,519 --> 00:05:58,567
Calling all
Jan Michael Vincents.

151
00:05:58,647 --> 00:05:59,944
In a world

152
00:06:00,023 --> 00:06:01,696
where there's eight
Jan Michael Vincents...

153
00:06:01,775 --> 00:06:03,777
We need one
Jan Michael Vincent

154
00:06:03,860 --> 00:06:04,861
to Quadrant

155
00:06:04,945 --> 00:06:06,197
We need two Jan Michael Vincents

156
00:06:06,279 --> 00:06:07,576
to Quadrant

157
00:06:07,656 --> 00:06:09,499
and 16 Quadrants,

158
00:06:09,574 --> 00:06:12,077
There's only enough time
for a Jan Michael Vincent

159
00:06:12,327 --> 00:06:13,829
to make it to a quadrant.

160
00:06:13,912 --> 00:06:16,415
He can't be at two quadrants
at once.

161
00:06:16,498 --> 00:06:18,796
Hey, Rick, who —
Who is Jan Michael Vincent?

162
00:06:18,875 --> 00:06:20,798
Oh, man, I'm trying to
remember, Morty.

163
00:06:20,877 --> 00:06:23,801
Jan Michael Vincents
are used up.

164
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:27,225
I need a goddamn
Jan Michael Vincent.

165
00:06:27,300 --> 00:06:30,349
Is it important that we know
who Jan Michael Vincent was...

166
00:06:30,428 --> 00:06:31,896
- In order to get this?
- Nope.

167
00:06:31,972 --> 00:06:34,771
I refuse to send the legislation
that allows more

168
00:06:34,849 --> 00:06:38,149
than eight Jan Michael Vincents
to a precinct.

169
00:06:38,395 --> 00:06:40,318
This Jan-Uary,

170
00:06:40,397 --> 00:06:43,697
it's time to Michael down
your Vincents.

171
00:06:43,775 --> 00:06:47,450
"Jan Quadrant Vincent 16."

172
00:06:47,529 --> 00:06:48,621
- Whoa!
- Whoa!

173
00:06:48,697 --> 00:06:49,994
That's Jan Michaels.

174
00:06:50,073 --> 00:06:51,791
Excuse me, nurse,
can you take my temperature

175
00:06:51,866 --> 00:06:53,288
because I think I have

176
00:06:53,368 --> 00:06:55,837
Jan Quadrant Vincent fever
over here.

177
00:06:55,912 --> 00:06:58,006
All right, Morty!
You've done it.

178
00:06:58,081 --> 00:07:00,504
So, we'll be detaching
your sexual organ at the base

179
00:07:00,583 --> 00:07:03,427
by making incisions
here, here, and here.

180
00:07:03,503 --> 00:07:04,550
Got it.

181
00:07:04,629 --> 00:07:06,347
Leaving a partial length
of severed urethra

182
00:07:06,423 --> 00:07:08,266
To be threaded through —

183
00:07:08,341 --> 00:07:11,094
Oh, you know what, I gotta —
I gotta laugh at myself here.

184
00:07:11,177 --> 00:07:12,895
I'm having a little laugh
at myself

185
00:07:12,971 --> 00:07:14,689
because I just realized
I haven't run

186
00:07:14,764 --> 00:07:16,311
this whole decision
past my wife.

187
00:07:16,391 --> 00:07:18,519
Oh. Do you think
she'll be okay with this?

188
00:07:18,601 --> 00:07:19,853
Oh, absolutely.

189
00:07:19,936 --> 00:07:21,859
Beth's automatically
on board always

190
00:07:21,938 --> 00:07:23,986
with every decision I make.

191
00:07:24,065 --> 00:07:25,487
Hey, I'm Stealy.

192
00:07:25,567 --> 00:07:28,161
Follow me on my adventure
through this office.

193
00:07:30,363 --> 00:07:31,990
All right, here we go.

194
00:07:32,073 --> 00:07:33,871
We're gonna just steal
a couple of things.

195
00:07:33,950 --> 00:07:35,293
Excuse me.
Can I help you?

196
00:07:35,368 --> 00:07:37,416
Starting with common
office objects.

197
00:07:37,495 --> 00:07:38,997
Hey, hey, hey!
That's my stuff!

198
00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:40,627
Such as staplers and pins

199
00:07:40,707 --> 00:07:42,630
and all sorts of things like —
Such as that.

200
00:07:42,709 --> 00:07:44,382
That's it.
I'm calling security.

201
00:07:44,461 --> 00:07:46,213
No!

202
00:07:50,884 --> 00:07:53,683
All right, okay,
now we're in the quiet safe room

203
00:07:53,762 --> 00:07:56,060
where none of the people
whose stuff I stole

204
00:07:56,139 --> 00:07:57,391
can get to us.

205
00:07:57,474 --> 00:07:59,476
Now, let's look
at all the stuff we got.

206
00:07:59,559 --> 00:08:02,062
We got a bag of bobbish.

207
00:08:02,145 --> 00:08:04,648
That's eight brapples.

208
00:08:04,731 --> 00:08:06,404
We got a plumbus.

209
00:08:06,483 --> 00:08:08,986
That's 61/2 brapples.

210
00:08:09,069 --> 00:08:12,243
We got, uh, a —
Crushed red party cups.

211
00:08:12,489 --> 00:08:14,457
151/2 brapples.

212
00:08:16,076 --> 00:08:18,078
Welcome back to "Funny Songs."

213
00:08:18,161 --> 00:08:19,959
It's all improvised.
It's very funny.

214
00:08:20,038 --> 00:08:22,257
I need a volunteer
from the audience.

215
00:08:22,499 --> 00:08:24,422
Um, longtime fan
of the show. Uh —

216
00:08:24,501 --> 00:08:26,924
What do you do?
What's your profession?

217
00:08:27,003 --> 00:08:29,051
I am a tax attorney.

218
00:08:29,130 --> 00:08:31,599
Okay, here we go.
Hit — Hit the music.

219
00:08:49,025 --> 00:08:50,242
The end.

220
00:08:50,485 --> 00:08:52,112
Oh, my god.
Oh, that was so, so funny.

221
00:08:52,195 --> 00:08:53,697
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

222
00:08:53,780 --> 00:08:55,407
Hey, um, security guards,
take him out.

223
00:08:55,490 --> 00:08:57,037
Get him out of here.
- What?

224
00:08:57,117 --> 00:08:58,460
Get the orthodontist
out of here.

225
00:08:58,535 --> 00:09:00,128
- No! Why?

226
00:09:00,203 --> 00:09:03,457
Take him out of the audience.
Kill him. Sic him.

227
00:09:03,540 --> 00:09:04,792
Demons...

228
00:09:04,874 --> 00:09:06,797
Suck his life out.
I don't give a shit.

229
00:09:06,876 --> 00:09:08,924
- Smith family?
- Yes?

230
00:09:09,003 --> 00:09:11,973
I wanted to let you all know
that Jerry is doing just fine.

231
00:09:12,048 --> 00:09:13,971
- Yay! Called it!
- Whoo-hoo! That's good news!

232
00:09:14,050 --> 00:09:16,553
But, uh, Mrs. Smith,
could you come with me?

233
00:09:18,221 --> 00:09:20,519
Hi, honey,
so, here's the thing —

234
00:09:20,598 --> 00:09:22,225
These guys —
They want to completely

235
00:09:22,308 --> 00:09:24,982
remove my penis and use it
as an alien's heart.

236
00:09:25,061 --> 00:09:27,155
And we just need you
to sign off on it.

237
00:09:27,230 --> 00:09:28,732
- What?
- Uh-Oh.

238
00:09:28,815 --> 00:09:31,944
Maybe we got a problem here
after all, guys. Yikes.

239
00:09:32,026 --> 00:09:34,779
His penis will be replaced
with a sophisticated prosthetic.

240
00:09:34,863 --> 00:09:37,207
Now, there's a wide range
of options to choose from.

241
00:09:37,282 --> 00:09:38,909
They're all in this catalogue.

242
00:09:38,992 --> 00:09:41,165
I don't care about prosthetics.
This is insane.

243
00:09:41,244 --> 00:09:43,087
What do you people
think you're doing?

244
00:09:43,163 --> 00:09:45,086
I understand your feelings,
Mrs. Smith.

245
00:09:45,165 --> 00:09:46,417
Oh, I don't think you do.

246
00:09:46,499 --> 00:09:48,422
I bring my husband in
for emergency treatment.

247
00:09:48,501 --> 00:09:50,094
He's gone an hour.

248
00:09:50,170 --> 00:09:52,719
And now you want his penis,
and you hand me some... catalog.

249
00:09:52,797 --> 00:09:54,765
It's — It's —
It's — It's — I mean...

250
00:09:54,841 --> 00:09:56,764
Sheesh. Well, there you go.
Sorry.

251
00:09:56,843 --> 00:09:59,016
I know it's hard to understand,

252
00:09:59,095 --> 00:10:01,894
but on Earth, love comes first.

253
00:10:01,973 --> 00:10:04,021
There are those that believe,
Mr. Smith,

254
00:10:04,100 --> 00:10:06,853
that Shrimply Pibbles represents
love between all life.

255
00:10:06,936 --> 00:10:08,904
His fate will determine

256
00:10:08,980 --> 00:10:11,733
the fate of hundreds of billions
of sentient life-forms.

257
00:10:11,816 --> 00:10:15,116
Whoa! Whoa.
So, billions of life-forms?

258
00:10:15,195 --> 00:10:16,913
Hundreds of billions.

259
00:10:16,988 --> 00:10:19,867
I mean, Jerry,
y-you didn't explain

260
00:10:19,949 --> 00:10:22,623
the full gravity
of the situation.

261
00:10:22,702 --> 00:10:24,454
Uh, well, Beth,
I don't think your decision

262
00:10:24,537 --> 00:10:26,289
should be based on politics.

263
00:10:26,372 --> 00:10:28,295
Who could argue
with a wife's decision

264
00:10:28,374 --> 00:10:30,297
to keep her lover intact?

265
00:10:30,376 --> 00:10:32,970
Well, I don't think that's
fair at all, Jerry. At all.

266
00:10:33,046 --> 00:10:35,970
In fact, the whole paradigm
has sexist overtones.

267
00:10:36,049 --> 00:10:38,051
Beth, can we talk
about this privately?

268
00:10:38,134 --> 00:10:40,057
You know, I think
the bottom line is, Jerry,

269
00:10:40,136 --> 00:10:43,231
if you want to keep your penis,
you should say, out loud,

270
00:10:43,306 --> 00:10:45,229
"I prefer to keep
my penis."

271
00:10:45,308 --> 00:10:48,061
But, Beth, what kind of man
would say something like that

272
00:10:48,144 --> 00:10:50,397
if the universe needed
his penis?

273
00:10:50,647 --> 00:10:52,399
Well, Jerry,
what kind of wife would I be

274
00:10:52,649 --> 00:10:55,573
if I did anything
to stand in your way?

275
00:10:59,906 --> 00:11:02,250
Hey, listen,
is your mouth tiny and small?

276
00:11:02,325 --> 00:11:03,952
Then why don't you come
to Lil' Bits...

277
00:11:04,035 --> 00:11:05,332
Lil' Bits!

278
00:11:05,411 --> 00:11:07,084
where the food is tiny.

279
00:11:07,163 --> 00:11:08,836
It looks like regular food,
but really tiny.

280
00:11:08,915 --> 00:11:10,417
You can put it in your mouth
and eat it.

281
00:11:10,667 --> 00:11:11,884
Nothing gets stuck in your lips.

282
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,803
It's just tiny and tiny
and fits right —

283
00:11:13,878 --> 00:11:15,801
- Fits right in.
- Lil' Bits!

284
00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:19,805
We got tiny lasagna,
tiny pizza, tiny pie.

285
00:11:19,884 --> 00:11:23,104
Mmm!
Little, tiny fried eggs.

286
00:11:23,179 --> 00:11:25,648
Oh, shit.
We got tiny people.

287
00:11:25,723 --> 00:11:26,770
Lil' Bits!

288
00:11:26,849 --> 00:11:28,226
You hungry?
Come on down.

289
00:11:28,309 --> 00:11:29,811
Lil' Bits.

290
00:11:29,894 --> 00:11:32,443
Eat some fucking shit,
you fucking stupid bitch.

291
00:11:32,689 --> 00:11:34,157
Just kidding.

292
00:11:34,232 --> 00:11:36,280
You've got some time to kill
before the procedure,

293
00:11:36,359 --> 00:11:38,782
so I assume you'd like to, uh,

294
00:11:38,861 --> 00:11:40,329
use your penis one last time.

295
00:11:40,405 --> 00:11:41,782
Here's my computer.

296
00:11:41,864 --> 00:11:43,662
It's got the alien internet
on it.

297
00:11:45,159 --> 00:11:46,661
Here's some porn.

298
00:11:46,744 --> 00:11:47,916
And there's an alien towel.

299
00:11:47,996 --> 00:11:49,543
I actually got that
on another planet.

300
00:11:49,622 --> 00:11:51,124
So it is an alien towel to me.

301
00:11:51,207 --> 00:11:53,050
- Good luck.
- Thanks.

302
00:12:02,093 --> 00:12:04,312
What is this?

303
00:12:04,387 --> 00:12:05,309
Hmm.

304
00:12:05,388 --> 00:12:07,482
Hey, wait a minute.

305
00:12:07,724 --> 00:12:08,646
Oh, uh, Mr. Smith?

306
00:12:08,725 --> 00:12:10,272
Uh, yeah, just masturbating!

307
00:12:10,351 --> 00:12:12,069
I forgot to mention,

308
00:12:12,145 --> 00:12:14,489
there are extensive medical
records open on my desktop,

309
00:12:14,731 --> 00:12:17,029
and I trust you to confine
your activities...

310
00:12:17,108 --> 00:12:19,327
- to the purely pornographic.
- Absolutely!

311
00:12:19,402 --> 00:12:20,870
Good luck.

312
00:12:23,114 --> 00:12:24,957
My god!

313
00:12:25,033 --> 00:12:27,877
Mr. Pibbles,
you just wrote my penis

314
00:12:27,952 --> 00:12:31,252
a one-way ticket
to staying on my body town.

315
00:12:31,331 --> 00:12:35,052
It's the opposite news
with Michael Thompson.

316
00:12:35,126 --> 00:12:37,174
Hey, everybody.
It's me, Michael Thompson.

317
00:12:37,253 --> 00:12:40,052
Today the Pope
didn't get killed.

318
00:12:40,131 --> 00:12:43,226
He's perfectly fine.
And he's on vacation in Aruba.

319
00:12:43,301 --> 00:12:45,224
In other opposite news,
information...

320
00:12:45,303 --> 00:12:47,055
Hey, Rick,
what's the deal with this guy?

321
00:12:47,138 --> 00:12:49,061
W-Why is his body,
like, sloping off

322
00:12:49,140 --> 00:12:51,063
to the right side
of the screen like that?

323
00:12:51,142 --> 00:12:52,894
I don't know, Morty.
See what else is on, huh?

324
00:12:52,977 --> 00:12:54,900
Hey, welcome
to "Cooking Things."

325
00:12:54,979 --> 00:12:56,276
I'm Pichael Thompson.

326
00:12:56,356 --> 00:12:57,733
Hey, wait a minute, Rick.

327
00:12:57,815 --> 00:12:59,158
This guy's body
is, like, sloping down

328
00:12:59,233 --> 00:13:00,735
and leaning off to screen left.

329
00:13:00,818 --> 00:13:02,286
Oh, my god,
and his name's Pichael.

330
00:13:02,362 --> 00:13:03,955
I'm cooking
a little bit of this.

331
00:13:04,030 --> 00:13:05,748
I'm gonna cook
a little bit of that.

332
00:13:05,823 --> 00:13:08,201
Oh, Oh, hey!
Stop tugging, Michael!

333
00:13:08,284 --> 00:13:09,627
Oh, my god!
Siamese twins!

334
00:13:09,702 --> 00:13:11,329
They're —
They're Siamese twins!

335
00:13:11,412 --> 00:13:13,540
You quit tugging.
I-I'm in the middle of my news.

336
00:13:13,790 --> 00:13:15,463
Oh, oh, it's always about you,
isn't it?

337
00:13:15,541 --> 00:13:17,635
Can you believe this guy,
ladies and gentlemen?

338
00:13:17,710 --> 00:13:20,088
He's got his own news show.
He's got a normal name.

339
00:13:20,171 --> 00:13:22,048
- Hey, flip back to the news.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

340
00:13:22,131 --> 00:13:24,054
You could tell our parents
started with naming with him.

341
00:13:24,133 --> 00:13:26,932
It's like, "oh, Michael."
They had that one planned...

342
00:13:27,011 --> 00:13:28,638
before they even got
pregnant, I bet.

343
00:13:28,721 --> 00:13:30,189
I don't want to be that girl,

344
00:13:30,264 --> 00:13:31,686
but maybe there would be
less conflict

345
00:13:31,766 --> 00:13:33,234
if they didn't shoot their shows
at the same time.

346
00:13:33,309 --> 00:13:34,401
Oh, Summer, you have no idea

347
00:13:34,477 --> 00:13:36,070
how much money
that must save production.

348
00:13:36,145 --> 00:13:37,897
And then they found out
I was attached,

349
00:13:37,980 --> 00:13:39,653
along for the ride,
and they said, "ah, shit.

350
00:13:39,732 --> 00:13:41,530
Well, just fuck it,
call him Pichael."

351
00:13:41,776 --> 00:13:43,949
Fuck you, Pichael.
You're a fucking piece of shit.

352
00:13:47,031 --> 00:13:48,078
Good afternoon.

353
00:13:48,157 --> 00:13:49,784
I know all of you are wondering

354
00:13:49,867 --> 00:13:52,416
about the condition
of our dear, beloved Pibbles.

355
00:13:52,495 --> 00:13:55,999
Which would you prefer between
the XP-20 and the XP-20 XS?

356
00:13:56,082 --> 00:13:58,505
I prefer my own penis,
and so should you!

357
00:13:58,584 --> 00:14:00,962
The brave Earth man
whose sacrifice

358
00:14:01,045 --> 00:14:03,798
is going to allow
Shrimply Pibbles to live —

359
00:14:03,881 --> 00:14:04,928
Mr. Jerry Smith.

360
00:14:06,342 --> 00:14:07,935
Hello, everyone!

361
00:14:08,010 --> 00:14:10,263
Let's hear it again
for Shrimply Pibbles, huh?

362
00:14:10,346 --> 00:14:12,019
He's a good guy, isn't he?

363
00:14:12,098 --> 00:14:15,147
I've only just been learning
about his accomplishments,

364
00:14:15,226 --> 00:14:17,354
from his march
on Flirk Blirk Square

365
00:14:17,437 --> 00:14:20,156
to his ongoing battle
with heroin dependency.

366
00:14:20,231 --> 00:14:21,153
He's the best.

367
00:14:23,818 --> 00:14:26,446
Um, yeah.

368
00:14:26,529 --> 00:14:29,328
Well, I-it occurs to me
that his heroin addiction

369
00:14:29,407 --> 00:14:32,001
may not have been
a matter of public record.

370
00:14:32,076 --> 00:14:35,330
You realize heroin makes up
10% of the atmosphere

371
00:14:35,413 --> 00:14:37,962
on Shrimply Pibbles'
home planet.

372
00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:40,293
His planet was destroyed
by Clorgon death squads.

373
00:14:40,376 --> 00:14:43,004
He can't live outside of it
without breathing heroin.

374
00:14:43,087 --> 00:14:45,465
Right. I know that.
I just think...

375
00:14:45,548 --> 00:14:49,269
This guy's trying to get out of
giving away his penis!

376
00:14:54,265 --> 00:14:55,608
Today on "How They Do It"...

377
00:14:55,850 --> 00:14:57,272
Plumbuses.

378
00:14:57,351 --> 00:14:59,570
Everyone has a plumbus
in their home.

379
00:15:01,147 --> 00:15:03,400
First, they take the dinglebop,

380
00:15:03,483 --> 00:15:07,204
and they smooth it out
with a bunch of schleem.

381
00:15:07,278 --> 00:15:12,034
The schleem is then repurposed
for later batches.

382
00:15:12,116 --> 00:15:13,242
They take the dinglebop,

383
00:15:13,326 --> 00:15:15,249
and they push it
through the grumbo,

384
00:15:15,328 --> 00:15:17,330
where the fleeb
is rubbed against it.

385
00:15:17,413 --> 00:15:19,415
It's important that the fleeb
is rubbed

386
00:15:19,499 --> 00:15:22,594
because the fleeb
has all of the fleeb juice.

387
00:15:22,668 --> 00:15:25,046
Then a schlami shows up,

388
00:15:25,129 --> 00:15:27,757
and he rubs it and spits on it.

389
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:29,308
They cut the fleeb.

390
00:15:29,383 --> 00:15:32,011
There's several hizards
in the way.

391
00:15:32,094 --> 00:15:35,098
The blamfs rub
against the chumbles.

392
00:15:35,181 --> 00:15:38,606
And the ploobis and grumbo
are shaved away.

393
00:15:38,684 --> 00:15:42,359
That leaves you
with a regular, old plumbus.

394
00:15:42,438 --> 00:15:45,442
I always wondered how,
uh, plumbuses got made.

395
00:15:45,525 --> 00:15:49,200
Hey, welcome back
to "Personal Space."

396
00:15:49,278 --> 00:15:51,076
I'm your host Phillip Jacobs,

397
00:15:51,155 --> 00:15:54,409
and let me tell you,
I care about my persona! space.

398
00:15:54,492 --> 00:15:57,371
Whoa, whoa. Hey.
Who's around me right now?

399
00:15:57,453 --> 00:15:59,330
Who's around me?

400
00:15:59,413 --> 00:16:02,542
Now, why don't we step up here
and everybody get stepped up

401
00:16:02,625 --> 00:16:05,674
and let's get
some stepped-up personal space

402
00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:07,092
up in this place.

403
00:16:07,171 --> 00:16:08,218
Here we go.

404
00:16:08,297 --> 00:16:10,470
We get a one, personal space.

405
00:16:10,550 --> 00:16:12,268
Two, personal space.

406
00:16:12,343 --> 00:16:14,391
Three,
stay out of my persona! space.

407
00:16:14,470 --> 00:16:17,144
Four, keep away
from my personal space.

408
00:16:17,223 --> 00:16:19,976
Five...
get out of that personal space.

409
00:16:20,059 --> 00:16:21,402
Six...

410
00:16:21,477 --> 00:16:23,070
Stay away
from my personal space.

411
00:16:23,145 --> 00:16:24,488
Seven...

412
00:16:24,564 --> 00:16:25,907
keep away
from that personal space.

413
00:16:25,982 --> 00:16:28,531
Eight, persona! space.

414
00:16:28,609 --> 00:16:31,203
Nine, persona! space.

415
00:16:31,279 --> 00:16:34,283
You know, I take personal space
pretty seriously,

416
00:16:34,365 --> 00:16:37,289
up to the point that' I don't
even care about this —

417
00:16:37,368 --> 00:16:39,291
I'm not even interested
in having this' skin

418
00:16:39,370 --> 00:16:41,668
on my personal space.

419
00:16:42,915 --> 00:16:43,837
Oh, my god!

420
00:16:45,918 --> 00:16:47,511
Oh, it hurts!

421
00:16:47,587 --> 00:16:48,713
Gross!

422
00:16:48,963 --> 00:16:50,306
What an asshole!

423
00:16:50,381 --> 00:16:51,598
Ohh, tune in next week...

424
00:16:52,758 --> 00:16:54,351
to the best show ever,

425
00:16:54,427 --> 00:16:56,145
the show
we all grew and love —

426
00:16:56,220 --> 00:16:58,268
"The Personal Space Show."

427
00:16:58,347 --> 00:17:00,270
More "Personal Space"
next Tuesday at 8:00.

428
00:17:00,349 --> 00:17:01,851
Up next, the heat is turning up

429
00:17:01,934 --> 00:17:04,437
with Samantha and the Boys
on "The Northsiders."

430
00:17:23,331 --> 00:17:25,880
If you could all just stop
screaming and chanting

431
00:17:25,958 --> 00:17:28,461
and making whatever
that gesture means —

432
00:17:28,544 --> 00:17:30,262
Excuse me.
Come on.

433
00:17:30,338 --> 00:17:32,761
Please, everyone, I have news
about Shrimply Pibbles.

434
00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:35,093
Word of Jerry Smith

435
00:17:35,176 --> 00:17:37,099
trying to weasel out
of his penis donation

436
00:17:37,178 --> 00:17:39,306
has spread across the galaxy.

437
00:17:39,388 --> 00:17:41,766
Beings everywhere
have come together

438
00:17:42,016 --> 00:17:45,190
to offer what little they have
to help save Shrimply's life.

439
00:17:45,269 --> 00:17:49,240
Enough to pay for a brand-new,
state-of-the-art synthetic heart

440
00:17:49,315 --> 00:17:52,785
that will be even better
than Mr. Smith's pathetic penis.

441
00:17:53,027 --> 00:17:55,325
Wait! That was an option
the whole time?

442
00:17:55,404 --> 00:17:56,826
You guys suck!

443
00:17:57,073 --> 00:17:59,792
Yeah. We suck.
Are you still here?

444
00:18:00,034 --> 00:18:01,536
Okay, Jerry.
Let's head home.

445
00:18:01,619 --> 00:18:03,587
I can't leave now.
Everyone hates me.

446
00:18:03,663 --> 00:18:05,757
Unfortunately,
there's no surgical procedure

447
00:18:05,831 --> 00:18:08,459
that can fix that.

448
00:18:08,542 --> 00:18:10,920
Or is there?

449
00:18:12,380 --> 00:18:13,848
- Scalpel.
- Scalpel.

450
00:18:14,090 --> 00:18:15,683
- Nano-Doctor.
- Nano-Doctor.

451
00:18:15,758 --> 00:18:18,352
- Nano-Scalpel.
- Nano-Scalpel.

452
00:18:18,427 --> 00:18:19,804
Okay. We're ready.

453
00:18:20,054 --> 00:18:21,397
Not so fast!

454
00:18:21,472 --> 00:18:23,440
Mr. Smith? What are you doing?
Are you insane?

455
00:18:23,516 --> 00:18:24,733
I'm a good person,

456
00:18:24,809 --> 00:18:27,608
and I demand
that you cut off my penis

457
00:18:27,687 --> 00:18:30,110
and put it in that man's chest.

458
00:18:30,189 --> 00:18:31,315
That's not how it works!

459
00:18:31,399 --> 00:18:33,151
Well, you're gonna make it work.

460
00:18:37,863 --> 00:18:41,458
I'm Octopus Man!

461
00:18:41,534 --> 00:18:44,834
I'm Octopus Man!

462
00:18:44,912 --> 00:18:49,588
I'm a marine biologist
who was bitten by an octopus.

463
00:18:52,461 --> 00:18:54,384
And now I'm —
I help people.

464
00:18:54,463 --> 00:18:56,386
I save people.

465
00:18:56,465 --> 00:18:59,218
I'm a troublesome
octopus person.

466
00:18:59,301 --> 00:19:01,554
Uh-Oh. I gotta save
some trouble

467
00:19:01,637 --> 00:19:05,107
'cause here comes
a trouble mite.

468
00:19:05,182 --> 00:19:06,855
Gross!

469
00:19:07,101 --> 00:19:10,275
Does all interdimensional TV
have to rely on juvenile violence?

470
00:19:10,354 --> 00:19:12,072
Well, Summer, maybe people that
create things aren't

471
00:19:12,148 --> 00:19:14,776
concerned with your delicate
sensibilities, you know?

472
00:19:14,859 --> 00:19:16,611
Maybe the species
that communicate with each other

473
00:19:16,694 --> 00:19:18,412
through the filter
of your comfort

474
00:19:18,487 --> 00:19:20,410
are less evolved than
the ones that just communicate!

475
00:19:20,489 --> 00:19:22,241
Maybe your problems
are your own to deal with,

476
00:19:22,324 --> 00:19:23,917
and maybe the public giving
a shit about your feelings

477
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:25,412
is a one-way ticket
to extinction!

478
00:19:25,494 --> 00:19:26,871
Geez, Morty.

479
00:19:27,121 --> 00:19:29,294
I take it Cathrine Hefflefinger
hasn't texted you back yet.

480
00:19:29,373 --> 00:19:30,875
I don't want to talk about it.

481
00:19:30,958 --> 00:19:32,631
- Okay, guys, let's go home.
- Where's Dad?

482
00:19:32,710 --> 00:19:34,712
Breaking news—
Shrimply Pibbles is being

483
00:19:34,795 --> 00:19:37,218
held hostage by the human
known as Jerry Smith.

484
00:19:37,298 --> 00:19:39,016
Remove my penis!

485
00:19:39,091 --> 00:19:41,014
- Holy crap!
- It's cool. It's fine.

486
00:19:41,093 --> 00:19:43,016
It's gotta be from
an alternate reality, right?

487
00:19:43,095 --> 00:19:45,769
- Are you sure?
- I don't know.

488
00:19:45,848 --> 00:19:48,397
Do it! Do it!
Remove my penis!

489
00:19:48,476 --> 00:19:50,023
Sir, put the gun down

490
00:19:50,102 --> 00:19:51,775
and step away
from Mr. Pibbles!

491
00:19:51,854 --> 00:19:53,606
- Jerry!
- Dad, what are you doing?

492
00:19:53,689 --> 00:19:55,783
I'm a good person.
I'm a good person.

493
00:19:55,858 --> 00:19:57,781
Where did he get a gun?
Who gave him a gun?

494
00:19:57,860 --> 00:20:00,283
That's not a gun.
That's the XP-20 XS.

495
00:20:00,362 --> 00:20:02,581
Ah!

496
00:20:06,869 --> 00:20:08,041
Oh, my god.

497
00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:09,872
I'm a good person.

498
00:20:16,587 --> 00:20:17,839
No!

499
00:20:17,922 --> 00:20:21,051
Nooooo!

500
00:20:27,264 --> 00:20:28,561
Hey, how's it going?

501
00:20:28,641 --> 00:20:30,484
This is
my butthole ice cream parlor.

502
00:20:30,559 --> 00:20:32,982
I got all kinds of ice cream —
Peanut butter and jelly...

503
00:20:33,229 --> 00:20:34,526
- ... vanilla...

504
00:20:34,605 --> 00:20:35,857
- ... chocolate...

505
00:20:35,940 --> 00:20:37,613
- ... and every flavor

506
00:20:37,691 --> 00:20:38,943
served out of a butthole...

507
00:20:39,026 --> 00:20:40,824
Just like you're back home.

508
00:20:40,903 --> 00:20:41,904
- Dad!
- Dad!

509
00:20:41,987 --> 00:20:44,081
What happened?
Where am I?

510
00:20:44,156 --> 00:20:45,658
Was it all a dream?

511
00:20:45,741 --> 00:20:47,539
No, you were shot like 50 times.

512
00:20:47,618 --> 00:20:50,087
57. Thankfully,
you're in a super-sophisticated

513
00:20:50,162 --> 00:20:51,664
alien hospital,

514
00:20:51,747 --> 00:20:53,795
so it was basically like
getting a splinter removed.

515
00:20:53,874 --> 00:20:55,968
All — All I wanted
was for everyone to like me.

516
00:20:56,210 --> 00:20:57,712
Jerry, remember that time
you left a comment

517
00:20:57,795 --> 00:20:59,672
underneath that YouTube video
and someone replied

518
00:20:59,755 --> 00:21:01,723
and called you a dumb-ass,
so you replied and told them,

519
00:21:01,799 --> 00:21:03,801
"it takes one to know one,"
and you stayed up all night

520
00:21:03,884 --> 00:21:05,511
hitting "refresh"
on your browser

521
00:21:05,594 --> 00:21:07,221
waiting for them to reply
and then you fell asleep crying?

522
00:21:07,304 --> 00:21:09,102
I remember it differently.

523
00:21:09,181 --> 00:21:11,650
This is like that.
You can't make people like you.

524
00:21:11,725 --> 00:21:13,944
You just have to wait
for hating you to bore them.

525
00:21:14,019 --> 00:21:15,145
You know, you're right.

526
00:21:15,229 --> 00:21:16,651
I shouldn't be motivated

527
00:21:16,730 --> 00:21:18,528
by other people's
opinions of me.

528
00:21:18,607 --> 00:21:19,824
All right, guys, let's go home.

529
00:21:19,900 --> 00:21:21,197
If it's all the same
to you, Rick,

530
00:21:21,277 --> 00:21:22,745
I'd like to go to the zoo...

531
00:21:22,820 --> 00:21:24,413
- With my family.
- What?

532
00:21:24,488 --> 00:21:26,240
- What are you talking about?
- Why would we do that?

533
00:21:26,323 --> 00:21:27,575
- It's a stupid idea!
What's the matter with you!

534
00:21:27,658 --> 00:21:29,251
Don't be a piece of shit, Jerry!

535
00:21:29,326 --> 00:21:30,578
Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
We'll go home.

536
00:21:30,661 --> 00:21:31,787
What the hell
is he talking about?

537
00:22:10,868 --> 00:22:12,745
- Aah!
- I'm the Eyehole Man!

538
00:22:12,828 --> 00:22:14,580
What is going on? Aah!

539
00:22:14,663 --> 00:22:17,041
Give me my Eyeholes!
I'm Eyehole Man!

540
00:22:17,124 --> 00:22:18,717
That part of the cupboard
is mine, Jerry!

541
00:22:18,792 --> 00:22:20,294
Why do you even have those?

542
00:22:20,377 --> 00:22:21,629
- Give me my Eyeholes!
- Help me, please!

543
00:22:21,712 --> 00:22:23,180
Get up on out of here
with my Eyeholes!

544
00:22:24,798 --> 00:22:26,175
Did you get any of that?

545
00:22:26,258 --> 00:22:28,260
It's-a good-a show!

546
00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:39,080
Ripped By mstoll