1 00:00:01,414 --> 00:00:03,875 Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens 2 00:00:03,958 --> 00:00:05,585 for a broken defraculator. 3 00:00:05,668 --> 00:00:08,796 That is multiphase quantum resonator. 4 00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:10,632 - Well, does it defraculate? - Fuck no. 5 00:00:10,715 --> 00:00:12,634 Then — then — then it's a broken defraculator. 6 00:00:12,717 --> 00:00:14,636 Like you would even know dick about fraculation! 7 00:00:14,719 --> 00:00:16,346 Your planet just got cellphones, 8 00:00:16,429 --> 00:00:18,431 and the coverage still sucks! 9 00:00:18,514 --> 00:00:20,558 Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. 10 00:00:20,642 --> 00:00:22,393 So, let's say 60 smidgens. 11 00:00:22,477 --> 00:00:24,103 I tell you what — I'll do you a favor. 12 00:00:24,187 --> 00:00:25,688 I'll throw in a fart. 13 00:00:25,772 --> 00:00:27,690 Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think 14 00:00:27,774 --> 00:00:29,525 maybe I could get something from this place, 15 00:00:29,609 --> 00:00:31,361 like a souvenir, like, just to have — 16 00:00:31,444 --> 00:00:33,112 like, something cool, you know? 17 00:00:33,196 --> 00:00:34,656 Not here, Morty. We'll stop somewhere else. 18 00:00:34,739 --> 00:00:36,949 Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop. 19 00:00:37,033 --> 00:00:38,951 Oh, okay. I just, um — 20 00:00:39,035 --> 00:00:40,620 you know, I thought that robot over there 21 00:00:40,703 --> 00:00:42,455 looked pretty cool, you know? 22 00:00:42,538 --> 00:00:44,916 Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it? 23 00:00:44,999 --> 00:00:46,542 Yeah! You know, I mean... 24 00:00:46,626 --> 00:00:48,252 it's different from the stuff on Earth, 25 00:00:48,336 --> 00:00:50,254 and, you know, you take me to all these crazy places 26 00:00:50,338 --> 00:00:51,798 across the galaxy, 27 00:00:51,881 --> 00:00:53,800 and, you know, I don't reality have anything to — 28 00:00:53,883 --> 00:00:55,760 to remember all those trips by. 29 00:00:55,843 --> 00:00:57,762 It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir. 30 00:00:57,845 --> 00:00:59,514 You know, like, what if you passed away 31 00:00:59,597 --> 00:01:00,890 or died or something? 32 00:01:00,973 --> 00:01:02,684 I wouldn't even have anything to remember 33 00:01:02,767 --> 00:01:04,477 all the cool stuff we did, you know? 34 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:06,479 Okay. 60 for the resonator, 35 00:01:06,562 --> 00:01:09,232 and my grandson wants the sex robot. 36 00:01:47,562 --> 00:01:49,981 So, we're just going to pretend this isn't happening? 37 00:01:50,064 --> 00:01:52,066 I'm not saying that's a bad idea — just asking. 38 00:01:52,150 --> 00:01:53,901 Rick, why would you let Morty 39 00:01:53,985 --> 00:01:56,028 bring that thing into our house? 40 00:01:56,112 --> 00:01:57,488 I don't know. What do you want from me? 41 00:01:57,572 --> 00:01:59,866 He thi— he thou— he thought it looked cool. 42 00:01:59,949 --> 00:02:00,783 You know what I mean? 43 00:02:00,867 --> 00:02:02,034 Whew! 44 00:02:05,830 --> 00:02:07,540 Ahh. Ail right. 45 00:02:07,623 --> 00:02:10,126 Back to — back to — b-back upstairs. 46 00:02:14,046 --> 00:02:15,423 Well, I'm intervening. 47 00:02:15,506 --> 00:02:17,091 Intervening with puberty? 48 00:02:17,175 --> 00:02:19,552 You'll turn him into Ralph Fiennes in "Red Dragon." 49 00:02:19,635 --> 00:02:22,680 He's at that age. Let's just be proud of him. 50 00:02:22,764 --> 00:02:25,224 Jesus. Did I reality set the bar that low? 51 00:02:26,309 --> 00:02:28,519 Um, Rick, could you come with me, please — 52 00:02:28,603 --> 00:02:29,729 q-quickly? 53 00:02:29,812 --> 00:02:33,733 Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene. 54 00:02:35,485 --> 00:02:37,236 Where's the sex robot, Morty? 55 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:39,447 That is Gwendolyn — I-l mean, the robot! 56 00:02:39,530 --> 00:02:41,949 She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away! 57 00:02:42,033 --> 00:02:43,618 Strange — that's usually the man's job. 58 00:02:43,701 --> 00:02:45,328 You know what I'm talking about, Morty? 59 00:02:45,411 --> 00:02:47,205 Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! 60 00:02:47,288 --> 00:02:48,706 Morty! 61 00:02:48,790 --> 00:02:50,374 That's my catchphrase, remember? 62 00:02:50,458 --> 00:02:53,044 Remember — remember how I — how I cemented that catchphrase? 63 00:02:53,127 --> 00:02:54,462 All right. All right, seriously, though, 64 00:02:54,545 --> 00:02:55,671 let me grab this thing. 65 00:02:57,799 --> 00:02:59,592 Come on, you... rascal. 66 00:02:59,675 --> 00:03:02,678 - Okay, unacceptable! Oh. - What is going on? 67 00:03:02,762 --> 00:03:04,514 All right. Uh-oh. 68 00:03:04,597 --> 00:03:06,474 "Uh-oh"? What is that? 69 00:03:06,557 --> 00:03:08,392 Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed 70 00:03:08,476 --> 00:03:10,853 for more than long weekends. 71 00:03:12,647 --> 00:03:14,649 Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. 72 00:03:14,732 --> 00:03:16,567 Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, 73 00:03:16,651 --> 00:03:18,277 and that there's half Morty, half — 74 00:03:18,361 --> 00:03:20,279 who — who knows wh-what? 75 00:03:20,363 --> 00:03:22,365 It's my bad, guys. I'll — I'll take care of it. 76 00:03:22,448 --> 00:03:23,991 - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! 77 00:03:24,075 --> 00:03:25,660 What do you think you're doing? 78 00:03:25,743 --> 00:03:27,453 Hey, listen — you guys quarantined the house 79 00:03:27,537 --> 00:03:29,205 when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. 80 00:03:29,288 --> 00:03:31,374 I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. 81 00:03:31,457 --> 00:03:33,793 I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. 82 00:03:33,876 --> 00:03:35,628 We gotta be careful. 83 00:03:35,711 --> 00:03:37,630 I lost the chance to be careful, Rick. 84 00:03:37,713 --> 00:03:38,965 I'm a father now! 85 00:03:39,048 --> 00:03:40,842 You know, it's time for me to be responsible. 86 00:03:40,925 --> 00:03:42,677 Isn't that right... - Don't name it. 87 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:44,679 - ... Morty Jr.? - Oh, crap. He named it. 88 00:03:44,762 --> 00:03:46,681 Well, Dad, it's a living thing, and it's half human. 89 00:03:46,764 --> 00:03:49,392 And it was born on American soil, which entitles it to — 90 00:03:49,475 --> 00:03:51,394 Jerry, majoring in Civics was your mistake. 91 00:03:51,477 --> 00:03:52,812 Don't punish us for it. 92 00:03:52,895 --> 00:03:54,355 Fine. 93 00:03:54,438 --> 00:03:57,149 I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate. 94 00:03:57,233 --> 00:03:59,151 Do not let that thing out of your sight. 95 00:03:59,235 --> 00:04:02,154 It looks harmless now, but it could grow dangerous. 96 00:04:02,238 --> 00:04:04,156 Like The insane Clown Posse. 97 00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:06,117 Yeah. Good one, Jerry. 98 00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:08,744 2003 just catted. It wants its easy target back. 99 00:04:08,828 --> 00:04:10,913 Ohh. He's like a little me! 100 00:04:10,997 --> 00:04:14,000 Y-You don't think he'll turn into a monster... do you? 101 00:04:14,083 --> 00:04:15,626 They always do. 102 00:04:15,710 --> 00:04:17,962 Hey, uh, 1995 called! 103 00:04:18,045 --> 00:04:19,463 They want their "certain year called 104 00:04:19,547 --> 00:04:21,382 wanting its 'blank' back" formula back! 105 00:04:21,465 --> 00:04:23,426 Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort? 106 00:04:23,509 --> 00:04:25,678 Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die! 107 00:04:27,930 --> 00:04:29,724 - Out. - Whatcha doin'? 108 00:04:29,807 --> 00:04:31,517 Well, I can't solve the problem my way, 109 00:04:31,601 --> 00:04:33,519 thanks to your family's primitive biological hang-ups. 110 00:04:33,603 --> 00:04:35,855 Gross. I might have just touched one of Morty's loads. 111 00:04:35,938 --> 00:04:38,149 But maybe I can find suitable parents for Morty Jr. 112 00:04:38,232 --> 00:04:41,986 On this robot's home world, which is... 113 00:04:42,069 --> 00:04:43,988 Gazorpazorp in the Andromeda system. 114 00:04:44,071 --> 00:04:46,991 Scoot, Summer. - Don't you need a new companion 115 00:04:47,074 --> 00:04:48,993 now that Morty's in the family way? 116 00:04:49,076 --> 00:04:51,245 I don't do adventures with chicks, Summer. 117 00:04:51,329 --> 00:04:53,247 Oh, right — because there's something about having a wiener 118 00:04:53,331 --> 00:04:55,750 that would make me better at walking through a hole? 119 00:04:55,833 --> 00:04:58,878 - Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! - Oh, crap. 120 00:04:58,961 --> 00:05:00,838 Grandpa Rick! Ugh! 121 00:05:00,922 --> 00:05:03,341 Help! Help! Aah! Aah! 122 00:05:05,134 --> 00:05:07,929 Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! 123 00:05:08,012 --> 00:05:09,597 - Grandpa Rick! - Still think it's a good idea 124 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:11,182 to go through holes without a wiener? 125 00:05:11,265 --> 00:05:13,684 - I want to go home. - Yeah, no duh. 126 00:05:13,768 --> 00:05:15,144 Ugh! 127 00:05:17,939 --> 00:05:19,857 Great. Now I have to take over a whole planet 128 00:05:19,941 --> 00:05:22,234 because of your stupid boobs. 129 00:05:22,318 --> 00:05:25,071 - You're doing great, Morty. - Really? You think? 130 00:05:25,154 --> 00:05:26,906 I mean, I'm not doing much of anything. 131 00:05:26,989 --> 00:05:28,240 What do I do if it cries? 132 00:05:28,324 --> 00:05:30,451 Then you put it down and let it cry itself out. 133 00:05:30,534 --> 00:05:33,037 Yeah, right. We tried that technique on Summer, 134 00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:35,247 and she's gonna end up stripping, isn't she? 135 00:05:35,331 --> 00:05:36,749 Yes, she is. 136 00:05:36,832 --> 00:05:38,751 She's gonna strip for attention 137 00:05:38,834 --> 00:05:40,753 because she was denied it. 138 00:05:40,836 --> 00:05:43,172 Stop filling it with your own insecurity. 139 00:05:43,255 --> 00:05:45,341 You're gonna turn it into Morty — 140 00:05:45,424 --> 00:05:47,551 uh, mm — more — more — more — more of you. 141 00:05:47,635 --> 00:05:49,387 Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles 142 00:05:49,470 --> 00:05:51,180 by a mentality ill scientist. 143 00:05:51,263 --> 00:05:53,015 What the — aah! Aah! 144 00:05:55,017 --> 00:05:57,353 Listen to me. I am not rewarding this behavior. 145 00:05:57,436 --> 00:05:59,021 Knock it off, both of you! 146 00:05:59,105 --> 00:06:00,856 G-Give me him! Give me my baby! 147 00:06:00,940 --> 00:06:02,650 You're both nuts! 148 00:06:02,733 --> 00:06:05,194 I'm gonna raise Morty Jr. myself! 149 00:06:05,277 --> 00:06:07,863 ? Where's your hands? There's your hands? 150 00:06:07,947 --> 00:06:10,491 ? And that's how we play handy hands? 151 00:06:11,909 --> 00:06:14,036 Oh, you are going to ruin that kid, Morty. 152 00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:15,955 At least we can agree on that. 153 00:06:23,629 --> 00:06:26,090 Thanks, Dum-Dum. 154 00:06:26,173 --> 00:06:28,676 I said, "Thanks, Dum-Dum." Go get more. 155 00:06:28,759 --> 00:06:30,302 Summer, put your burqa on! 156 00:06:30,386 --> 00:06:32,304 That burqa is a human-rights violation, 157 00:06:32,388 --> 00:06:34,932 and I spent a lot on this top. 158 00:06:35,016 --> 00:06:36,767 Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun 159 00:06:36,851 --> 00:06:38,185 with a bunch of sex-doll parts, 160 00:06:38,269 --> 00:06:39,603 and I have to do it one-handed 161 00:06:39,687 --> 00:06:41,689 to keep these Belushis from carting you off. 162 00:06:41,772 --> 00:06:43,858 The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender. 163 00:06:43,941 --> 00:06:46,318 Ugh. What's the deal with this place? 164 00:06:46,402 --> 00:06:48,112 Why is it such a sausage planet, 165 00:06:48,195 --> 00:06:50,448 and how did such backward idiots invent robots? 166 00:06:50,531 --> 00:06:52,116 Obviously, at some point, 167 00:06:52,199 --> 00:06:53,534 the Gazorpians became so evolved 168 00:06:53,617 --> 00:06:56,078 that they replaced females with birthing machines. 169 00:06:56,162 --> 00:06:58,289 The resultant lack of distraction and hen-pecking 170 00:06:58,372 --> 00:07:00,249 allowed them to focus entirety on war, 171 00:07:00,332 --> 00:07:02,251 so they bombed themselves back to the stone age, 172 00:07:02,334 --> 00:07:04,211 and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy 173 00:07:04,295 --> 00:07:05,713 with sticks and rocks all day long. 174 00:07:05,796 --> 00:07:07,882 You think it's efficient to get rid of women? 175 00:07:07,965 --> 00:07:09,967 You ever see a line for the men's room? 176 00:07:10,051 --> 00:07:11,719 Are you hear— do you li— do you hear me, Summer? 177 00:07:11,802 --> 00:07:14,847 Droppin' loads. 178 00:07:14,930 --> 00:07:18,017 Droppin' loads! Droppin' loads. 179 00:07:18,100 --> 00:07:22,313 The plot thickens. 180 00:07:25,066 --> 00:07:27,151 Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer. 181 00:07:27,234 --> 00:07:29,278 Yeah, like it was my dream to watch. 182 00:07:31,113 --> 00:07:32,156 Yeah, baby! 183 00:07:32,239 --> 00:07:34,867 Summer, grab — grab hold. 184 00:07:34,950 --> 00:07:36,243 Yeah, baby! 185 00:07:36,327 --> 00:07:37,703 Aaaah! 186 00:07:40,247 --> 00:07:42,333 Grandpa Rick, where are we going? 187 00:07:42,416 --> 00:07:43,959 Well, obviously, Summer, 188 00:07:44,043 --> 00:07:46,045 it appears the lower tier of this society 189 00:07:46,128 --> 00:07:48,297 is being manipulated through sex and advanced technology 190 00:07:48,380 --> 00:07:51,050 by a hidden ruling class. Sound familiar? 191 00:07:51,133 --> 00:07:53,010 Ticketmaster. 192 00:07:53,094 --> 00:07:55,096 Oh, there — there we go, Summer. 193 00:07:55,179 --> 00:07:56,847 Hey — hey, brother. Hey, bro. 194 00:07:56,931 --> 00:07:58,682 Nice racket you got going on here. 195 00:07:58,766 --> 00:08:01,519 Listen, I'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137. 196 00:08:01,602 --> 00:08:03,771 Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace. 197 00:08:03,854 --> 00:08:06,649 It's all cool in the, uh — "good in the neighborhood" 198 00:08:06,732 --> 00:08:08,984 is what I was trying to come — is what I meant. 199 00:08:11,862 --> 00:08:13,531 Oh, I get it — 200 00:08:13,614 --> 00:08:16,075 the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist. 201 00:08:16,158 --> 00:08:18,369 Silence! 202 00:08:20,996 --> 00:08:23,791 - Your slave is ill-mannered. - My slave? 203 00:08:23,874 --> 00:08:25,793 We assume you are from a more primitive word, 204 00:08:25,876 --> 00:08:28,003 where men are still permitted to be servants. 205 00:08:28,087 --> 00:08:30,548 If he is a rogue male, tell us now and we will kill him. 206 00:08:30,631 --> 00:08:32,216 He's my slave. He's my slave. 207 00:08:32,299 --> 00:08:33,217 He's definitely my slave. 208 00:08:34,927 --> 00:08:36,303 Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho! 209 00:08:36,387 --> 00:08:38,097 Oh, boy. 210 00:08:38,180 --> 00:08:40,015 What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? 211 00:08:40,099 --> 00:08:41,934 Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? 212 00:08:42,017 --> 00:08:44,353 Are you guys kidding me? 213 00:08:44,436 --> 00:08:46,272 Oh, Morty Jr.! 214 00:08:46,355 --> 00:08:48,357 You're gonna be a special Little guy, aren't you? 215 00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:50,526 You — oh, yeah. You're my special little guy. 216 00:08:50,609 --> 00:08:52,361 Ohh. 217 00:08:52,444 --> 00:08:54,238 Ohh! Ha ha! 218 00:08:54,321 --> 00:08:55,239 Da. 219 00:08:55,322 --> 00:08:56,824 What was that, Morty Jr.? 220 00:08:56,907 --> 00:08:58,784 Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." 221 00:08:58,868 --> 00:08:59,827 Death! 222 00:08:59,910 --> 00:09:01,245 "Dada." 223 00:09:01,328 --> 00:09:02,705 Domination! 224 00:09:02,788 --> 00:09:04,790 Um... "Dada"? 225 00:09:04,874 --> 00:09:06,792 Destruction. Domination. 226 00:09:06,876 --> 00:09:09,253 Nice. 227 00:09:14,258 --> 00:09:17,678 The spider in sector "*C'is still alive. 228 00:09:17,761 --> 00:09:19,680 Plan your route accordingly and expect delays. 229 00:09:19,763 --> 00:09:21,682 We're not telling you what to do. 230 00:09:21,765 --> 00:09:23,684 We're just sharing how we feel. 231 00:09:23,767 --> 00:09:25,686 And now weather— is anyone else cold, 232 00:09:25,769 --> 00:09:27,771 or is it just me? 233 00:09:29,356 --> 00:09:31,859 I am Mar-sha, ruler of Gazorpazorp. 234 00:09:31,942 --> 00:09:33,736 I am here if you need to talk. 235 00:09:33,819 --> 00:09:36,113 - What is this place? - Paradise. 236 00:09:36,197 --> 00:09:38,866 We built it during the great passive-aggression, 237 00:09:38,949 --> 00:09:40,993 when the females separated from the males 238 00:09:41,076 --> 00:09:43,746 due to their increasingly destructive behavior. 239 00:09:43,829 --> 00:09:45,247 I am here if you need to talk. 240 00:09:45,331 --> 00:09:47,208 I am here if you need to talk. 241 00:09:47,291 --> 00:09:49,793 From here, we dispense mechanical surrogates 242 00:09:49,877 --> 00:09:51,295 to maintain our population. 243 00:09:51,378 --> 00:09:54,757 Fertilized surrogates are returned here to our nursery. 244 00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:57,760 The females are placed into educational programs 245 00:09:57,843 --> 00:10:00,262 where they can discover a service to our paradise 246 00:10:00,346 --> 00:10:02,181 that fulfills them most. 247 00:10:02,264 --> 00:10:04,516 Males... 248 00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:08,187 they get to play outside. 249 00:10:08,270 --> 00:10:10,189 That was just a baby. 250 00:10:10,272 --> 00:10:12,191 And within a day, he'll be an adult male Gazorpian — 251 00:10:12,274 --> 00:10:14,109 one of the most aggressively violent creatures 252 00:10:14,193 --> 00:10:15,444 in the universe. 253 00:10:15,527 --> 00:10:17,446 Wait a minute — we're here because a male Gazorpian 254 00:10:17,529 --> 00:10:19,907 was born on our planet. 255 00:10:22,576 --> 00:10:25,496 You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! 256 00:10:25,579 --> 00:10:28,040 It's true, though — one of your babies was born on Earth. 257 00:10:28,123 --> 00:10:30,376 Are you the ruler of this Earth? 258 00:10:30,459 --> 00:10:32,461 - How did you know? - The quality of your top. 259 00:10:32,544 --> 00:10:34,380 - Do you love it? - I love it. 260 00:10:34,463 --> 00:10:35,798 I'm here if you need to talk. 261 00:10:35,881 --> 00:10:37,216 I'm here if you need to talk. 262 00:10:37,299 --> 00:10:38,550 I'm here if you need to talk. 263 00:10:38,634 --> 00:10:41,303 If the Gazorpian is male, your Earth is in grave danger. 264 00:10:41,387 --> 00:10:43,138 We will give you passage back home 265 00:10:43,222 --> 00:10:44,556 so it can be terminated. 266 00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,225 But first, mojitos. 267 00:10:46,308 --> 00:10:48,060 We don't have time for mojitos. 268 00:10:48,143 --> 00:10:50,437 - You are insulting them. - I don't care, Summer! 269 00:10:50,521 --> 00:10:52,439 This place is the worst! I want to go home! 270 00:10:52,523 --> 00:10:54,441 Well, it reality doesn't matter what you want, 271 00:10:54,525 --> 00:10:56,652 because this is a sane place where women rule. 272 00:10:56,735 --> 00:10:58,654 Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? 273 00:11:01,615 --> 00:11:03,742 I cannot believe my ears! 274 00:11:08,122 --> 00:11:11,083 Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh? 275 00:11:11,166 --> 00:11:13,168 Grandpa! 276 00:11:13,252 --> 00:11:15,379 - Grandpa? - That sounds patriarchal! 277 00:11:15,462 --> 00:11:17,047 It means "father of father." 278 00:11:17,131 --> 00:11:19,383 Then this one is not your slave, 279 00:11:19,466 --> 00:11:21,885 and your Earth is yet another planet dominated by men. 280 00:11:21,969 --> 00:11:24,096 It's not dominated by us, okay? 281 00:11:24,179 --> 00:11:25,973 On Earth, men and women are equals. 282 00:11:26,056 --> 00:11:29,476 Equals? We make 70%% of your salary for the same job! 283 00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:31,312 - Seize them! - Whoa! 284 00:11:32,813 --> 00:11:35,482 Was this really the time to make that point, Summer? 285 00:11:37,526 --> 00:11:38,944 This is for you, Daddy. 286 00:11:39,028 --> 00:11:40,237 Oh, man! 287 00:11:40,321 --> 00:11:42,406 Um, okay. Listen to me, Morty Jr. 288 00:11:42,489 --> 00:11:45,075 I've got to tell you something very important, okay? 289 00:11:45,159 --> 00:11:47,119 Killing is bad — bad! 290 00:11:47,202 --> 00:11:49,121 You're silly, Daddy. 291 00:11:49,204 --> 00:11:51,373 No, Morty Jr. I'm being serious, okay? 292 00:11:51,457 --> 00:11:53,208 You need to put your energy into something else. 293 00:11:53,292 --> 00:11:54,960 I mean, what about dancing? 294 00:11:55,044 --> 00:11:56,420 Would you like to learn how to dance? 295 00:11:56,503 --> 00:11:59,298 I'd like to dance — on the graves of my enemies. 296 00:11:59,381 --> 00:12:01,842 Ohh! No, Morty Jr.! 297 00:12:03,677 --> 00:12:05,346 Daddy, can I go outside? 298 00:12:05,429 --> 00:12:06,889 No! Absolutely not! 299 00:12:06,972 --> 00:12:09,016 But that's where all the people and the animals are. 300 00:12:09,099 --> 00:12:11,268 Yeah, but you can't go out there because the — 301 00:12:11,352 --> 00:12:13,270 the air is poisonous for you! 302 00:12:13,354 --> 00:12:14,646 You will die — you'll die instantly 303 00:12:14,730 --> 00:12:16,565 if you ever leave this house! 304 00:12:16,648 --> 00:12:17,900 You hear me? - For real? 305 00:12:17,983 --> 00:12:19,693 For real times a million, buddy. 306 00:12:19,777 --> 00:12:21,153 So, let's just stay inside, 307 00:12:21,236 --> 00:12:23,155 and, you know, let's try dancing, right? 308 00:12:23,238 --> 00:12:25,157 Look at me. Yay! Look. We're gonna dance. 309 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:27,034 Come on. Join — dance with me here. 310 00:12:27,117 --> 00:12:28,827 We love to dance. - Why do we love to dance? 311 00:12:28,911 --> 00:12:31,330 'Cause I said so! 312 00:12:31,413 --> 00:12:34,166 Nice. 313 00:12:38,754 --> 00:12:40,631 So, what are you in for? 314 00:12:40,714 --> 00:12:42,758 Because I got — I got a big, 315 00:12:42,841 --> 00:12:44,635 you know, penis between my legs. 316 00:12:44,718 --> 00:12:46,470 What — what — what are you in for? 317 00:12:46,553 --> 00:12:48,847 The worst crime a female can commit. 318 00:12:48,931 --> 00:12:50,474 Veronica Ann Bennett, 319 00:12:50,557 --> 00:12:53,685 I find you guilty of having bad bangs. 320 00:12:53,769 --> 00:12:55,646 You ever notice the ones with bad bangs 321 00:12:55,729 --> 00:12:57,356 always have three names? 322 00:12:57,439 --> 00:13:00,692 You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment! 323 00:13:01,944 --> 00:13:04,071 Pfft! This is gonna be cake. 324 00:13:04,154 --> 00:13:05,239 No! Jackie! 325 00:13:05,322 --> 00:13:06,907 Rick and Summer of Earth, 326 00:13:06,990 --> 00:13:09,076 for the crimes of treason against womankind 327 00:13:09,159 --> 00:13:12,496 and for creating the sound of which we do not speak 328 00:13:12,579 --> 00:13:15,082 because it does not exist, you are hereby sentenced to — 329 00:13:15,165 --> 00:13:17,167 What, what, what — a night on the couch? 330 00:13:17,251 --> 00:13:18,961 - ... death. - Ooh, gerp. 331 00:13:19,044 --> 00:13:20,838 I hate you so much right now. 332 00:13:20,921 --> 00:13:22,840 This will be the first instance 333 00:13:22,923 --> 00:13:24,842 of capital punishment in our society 334 00:13:24,925 --> 00:13:27,511 in 500 years due to our awesomeness, 335 00:13:27,594 --> 00:13:29,555 so we are forced to improvise. 336 00:13:29,638 --> 00:13:32,599 We placed a large boulder on that ledge. 337 00:13:32,683 --> 00:13:35,227 Holy shit! Y-Y-You're gonna crush us with a boulder? 338 00:13:35,310 --> 00:13:37,229 No! Stop interrupting! 339 00:13:37,312 --> 00:13:39,022 The boulder falls onto a lever 340 00:13:39,106 --> 00:13:41,024 that will launch... knives. 341 00:13:41,108 --> 00:13:42,192 What? 342 00:13:42,276 --> 00:13:44,027 Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. 343 00:13:44,111 --> 00:13:45,696 Stop interrupting! 344 00:13:45,779 --> 00:13:47,614 The knives will — 345 00:13:47,698 --> 00:13:49,992 Fine! You were right the first time, okay? 346 00:13:50,075 --> 00:13:51,618 The boulder crushes you. 347 00:13:51,702 --> 00:13:53,620 I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? 348 00:13:53,704 --> 00:13:55,622 No, just ignore them. Ignore them. 349 00:13:55,706 --> 00:13:57,291 Such an asshole. 350 00:13:57,374 --> 00:13:59,126 Look, I'm sorry, Summer. 351 00:13:59,209 --> 00:14:00,919 I feel bad that I let you drag us into this. 352 00:14:01,003 --> 00:14:02,796 I wish I could have been a better Grandpa to you, 353 00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:04,465 and, you know, for what it's worth, 354 00:14:04,548 --> 00:14:06,467 that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there. 355 00:14:06,550 --> 00:14:08,302 Top. My top! 356 00:14:08,385 --> 00:14:11,305 My top — the same top you complimented earlier! 357 00:14:11,388 --> 00:14:14,641 Look — look at the tag. Read it. 358 00:14:14,725 --> 00:14:17,436 It says, "Marc Jacobs." 359 00:14:17,519 --> 00:14:20,564 Marc? Jacob? These are names of the penis. 360 00:14:20,647 --> 00:14:23,692 Yes. An Earth man made this top. 361 00:14:23,775 --> 00:14:25,486 Maybe on your planet, 362 00:14:25,569 --> 00:14:28,113 separation of the genders is the right thing to do, 363 00:14:28,197 --> 00:14:30,115 but on Earth, a certain percentage of our males 364 00:14:30,199 --> 00:14:31,700 are born gay, 365 00:14:31,783 --> 00:14:35,245 which is why my clothes are better than all of yours. 366 00:14:35,329 --> 00:14:36,788 A man made something fashionable? 367 00:14:36,872 --> 00:14:39,791 It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts, 368 00:14:39,875 --> 00:14:41,502 but it must be accepted. 369 00:14:41,585 --> 00:14:43,504 Like if I told you that you're using 370 00:14:43,587 --> 00:14:45,339 the wrong color foundation for your skin 371 00:14:45,422 --> 00:14:47,174 and it ends at your neck, 372 00:14:47,257 --> 00:14:48,926 making you look like a party clown. 373 00:14:49,009 --> 00:14:51,220 Okay, ouch. Noted. But the fact remains... 374 00:14:51,303 --> 00:14:54,097 if you impose Gazorpazorp's laws on Earth, 375 00:14:54,181 --> 00:14:55,724 you're no better than the men 376 00:14:55,807 --> 00:14:58,060 whose farts shall remain unspoken. 377 00:14:58,143 --> 00:15:00,062 And if you think my top is cute, 378 00:15:00,145 --> 00:15:02,064 you cannot execute. 379 00:15:03,690 --> 00:15:06,026 Very well. Give the Earth people a spacecraft 380 00:15:06,109 --> 00:15:08,028 so they may head back to their weird planet, 381 00:15:08,111 --> 00:15:11,156 where women are kind of equal but not really. 382 00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:13,158 Good job, Summer, and thanks, girls. 383 00:15:13,242 --> 00:15:14,868 You know, you girls are really something, 384 00:15:14,952 --> 00:15:16,453 I'll tell you that. 385 00:15:16,537 --> 00:15:18,121 You know when we first go there, I was like — 386 00:15:18,205 --> 00:15:19,748 Give them a ship now. 387 00:15:19,831 --> 00:15:23,126 Morty Jr.! Smoking? 388 00:15:23,210 --> 00:15:24,628 That is not okay! 389 00:15:24,711 --> 00:15:25,921 What are you gonna do — ground me? 390 00:15:26,004 --> 00:15:27,214 I can't go outside anyway! 391 00:15:27,297 --> 00:15:29,967 So what? You could do things inside! 392 00:15:30,050 --> 00:15:32,219 You could play guitar. You could masturbate. 393 00:15:32,302 --> 00:15:34,763 I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! 394 00:15:34,846 --> 00:15:37,432 Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... 395 00:15:37,516 --> 00:15:39,518 is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Morty Jr.? 396 00:15:39,601 --> 00:15:41,186 Love — that's all you care about! 397 00:15:41,270 --> 00:15:42,646 What about weapons? 398 00:15:42,729 --> 00:15:44,523 What about domination of the enemy? 399 00:15:44,606 --> 00:15:46,483 All right, that's it — no more History Channel! 400 00:15:46,567 --> 00:15:48,819 This TV is for cartoons and video games only! 401 00:15:48,902 --> 00:15:51,863 I hate video games! You take that back! 402 00:15:51,947 --> 00:15:53,574 Give it to me! 403 00:15:53,657 --> 00:15:55,576 Ugh! 404 00:15:55,659 --> 00:15:57,578 I-I-l didn't mean — I didn't mean that. 405 00:15:57,661 --> 00:15:59,246 I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. 406 00:15:59,329 --> 00:16:01,748 I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... 407 00:16:01,832 --> 00:16:03,750 than live another minute with you! 408 00:16:03,834 --> 00:16:06,086 No! No, no, no! Stop! 409 00:16:11,216 --> 00:16:12,593 My life has been a lie! 410 00:16:12,676 --> 00:16:14,678 God is dead! The government's lame! 411 00:16:14,761 --> 00:16:16,680 Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! 412 00:16:16,763 --> 00:16:18,515 Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! 413 00:16:18,599 --> 00:16:20,142 They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday! 414 00:16:20,225 --> 00:16:22,144 - Oh, Dad! - Yes, Morty? 415 00:16:22,227 --> 00:16:24,146 My son is gonna take over the planet, 416 00:16:24,229 --> 00:16:25,689 and I am too young to drive! 417 00:16:25,772 --> 00:16:26,940 Can you help me get him back? 418 00:16:28,233 --> 00:16:30,944 I suppose, Morty. I suppose. 419 00:16:31,028 --> 00:16:34,948 But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass 420 00:16:35,032 --> 00:16:38,118 of "I told you so." 421 00:16:41,371 --> 00:16:43,707 Oh, my god! Please, Dad! Come on! 422 00:16:49,338 --> 00:16:52,883 ? Runnin' wild, runnin' hot, 423 00:16:52,966 --> 00:16:54,968 burnin' inside? 424 00:16:55,052 --> 00:16:58,180 ? With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat 425 00:16:58,263 --> 00:17:01,308 and the fire in your pants, open wide? 426 00:17:01,391 --> 00:17:03,935 ? You're gonna run from the damn cold, 427 00:17:04,019 --> 00:17:07,564 but you can't run from your youth? 428 00:17:29,002 --> 00:17:32,005 Dad, there he is! 429 00:17:33,382 --> 00:17:34,800 Oh, god. Hey, stop that! 430 00:17:36,259 --> 00:17:37,803 Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Dad! 431 00:17:38,887 --> 00:17:42,015 Morty Jr., no! It's me! It's Dad. 432 00:17:42,099 --> 00:17:44,184 It's okay! 433 00:17:44,267 --> 00:17:46,144 Put the car down, Morty Jr. 434 00:17:46,228 --> 00:17:48,230 No! No! ? Wh-Where's your hands? 435 00:17:48,313 --> 00:17:51,817 ? Where's your hands? 436 00:17:51,900 --> 00:17:53,235 My car! 437 00:17:53,318 --> 00:17:57,239 ? And that's how we play handy hands? 438 00:17:57,322 --> 00:17:58,907 Out of the — out of the way, Morty! 439 00:17:58,990 --> 00:17:59,991 - No! - Morty! 440 00:18:00,075 --> 00:18:01,785 That's one of the most violently aggressive 441 00:18:01,868 --> 00:18:02,828 creatures in the universe! 442 00:18:02,911 --> 00:18:04,579 - Ow! - He's my son! 443 00:18:04,663 --> 00:18:08,458 And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick! 444 00:18:13,130 --> 00:18:15,716 Dad, I'm so confused! 445 00:18:15,799 --> 00:18:18,427 I know, Morty Jr. I'm sorry. 446 00:18:18,510 --> 00:18:20,220 I ended up lying to you and yelling at you 447 00:18:20,303 --> 00:18:22,264 just like my parents did to me. 448 00:18:22,347 --> 00:18:24,683 You know, parents are just kids having kids. 449 00:18:24,766 --> 00:18:27,352 One minute, you like how a shiny robot looks. 450 00:18:27,436 --> 00:18:29,521 The next minute, you're in a fist fight 451 00:18:29,604 --> 00:18:31,440 with your alien son. 452 00:18:31,523 --> 00:18:32,941 I'm an alien? 453 00:18:33,024 --> 00:18:34,943 We all have bad impulses, bad thoughts. 454 00:18:35,026 --> 00:18:36,737 We just have to learn to channel them 455 00:18:36,820 --> 00:18:38,447 into something constructive. 456 00:18:38,530 --> 00:18:41,032 But I want to murder everyone I see. 457 00:18:41,116 --> 00:18:42,868 Well, you know, I mean, maybe there's a job out there 458 00:18:42,951 --> 00:18:44,536 for people that feel that way. 459 00:18:44,619 --> 00:18:46,037 Actuality, there is. 460 00:18:46,121 --> 00:18:47,998 Hi. I'm Brad Anderson, creator of 461 00:18:48,081 --> 00:18:50,208 the nationality syndicated comic strip "Marmaduke." 462 00:18:50,292 --> 00:18:52,210 You should consider being a creative. 463 00:18:52,294 --> 00:18:53,920 I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts 464 00:18:54,004 --> 00:18:55,672 of mutilation and sexual assault 465 00:18:55,756 --> 00:18:57,507 on a near daily basis. 466 00:18:57,591 --> 00:19:00,093 But, you know, I channel it all into my work. 467 00:19:00,177 --> 00:19:01,803 - Oh. Wow. - Huh. 468 00:19:01,887 --> 00:19:03,889 I never got that impression from reading "Marmaduke." 469 00:19:03,972 --> 00:19:05,432 Well, did you get the impression 470 00:19:05,515 --> 00:19:07,642 I was trying to make you laugh? 471 00:19:08,685 --> 00:19:11,021 Tell me that wasn't Brad Anderson. 472 00:19:11,104 --> 00:19:13,231 Aw, see? You hear that, Morty Jr.? 473 00:19:13,315 --> 00:19:15,442 Maybe you could try being a creative of some kind. 474 00:19:15,525 --> 00:19:17,486 Maybe! I always have sort of wanted 475 00:19:17,569 --> 00:19:19,780 to see my face on the back of a novel. 476 00:19:19,863 --> 00:19:22,783 I mean, what I reality want to do is slit people's throats, 477 00:19:22,866 --> 00:19:23,950 but beyond that... 478 00:19:24,034 --> 00:19:26,244 I know you can do it, son. 479 00:19:26,328 --> 00:19:28,663 I think it's time I get a place of my own. 480 00:19:28,747 --> 00:19:31,500 I promise I'll call you every day I need money 481 00:19:31,583 --> 00:19:33,710 or a place to do laundry. 482 00:19:34,961 --> 00:19:37,756 Aaaaaaah! 483 00:19:40,050 --> 00:19:43,470 So, I assume this novel your son writes 484 00:19:43,553 --> 00:19:46,932 is gonna pay for my rear axle? 485 00:19:47,015 --> 00:19:48,642 Isn't it interesting, Summer, 486 00:19:48,725 --> 00:19:50,644 that after all that stuff we just did, 487 00:19:50,727 --> 00:19:52,729 nothing really mattered and there was no point to it? 488 00:19:52,813 --> 00:19:54,773 Kind of makes you wonder, huh — about nothing? 489 00:19:54,856 --> 00:19:57,192 Are you sure it doesn't make you re-evaluate 490 00:19:57,275 --> 00:19:59,444 your policy about taking girls on adventures? 491 00:19:59,528 --> 00:20:01,571 No. I'd say, given what we've been through, 492 00:20:01,655 --> 00:20:03,073 that I was right the whole time 493 00:20:03,156 --> 00:20:05,075 and any epiphanies about gender politics were 494 00:20:05,158 --> 00:20:06,952 a projection of your feminine insecurity. 495 00:20:07,035 --> 00:20:09,496 But, hey, why don't you have a pink spaceship? 496 00:20:09,579 --> 00:20:11,581 Go ride around and have a jolly old time. 497 00:20:11,665 --> 00:20:13,792 Maybe that'll shut you up. - Dad? Summer? 498 00:20:13,875 --> 00:20:15,418 Where were you guys this whole time? 499 00:20:15,502 --> 00:20:17,003 On Gazorpazorp. Where were you? 500 00:20:17,087 --> 00:20:18,630 I was reading a newspaper. 501 00:20:18,713 --> 00:20:21,091 Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny. 502 00:20:21,174 --> 00:20:23,468 I-I-l heard about a little bit of news myself. 503 00:20:23,552 --> 00:20:25,595 Take a look. T-Take a listen. 504 00:20:29,808 --> 00:20:30,851 Wubba-lubba-dub-dubs! 505 00:20:30,934 --> 00:20:32,602 This this world 506 00:20:32,686 --> 00:20:34,771 Still got a — it's still got a chance! 507 00:20:34,855 --> 00:20:36,439 Yeah! Ha ha! 508 00:20:36,523 --> 00:20:38,066 See you — see you guys next week! 509 00:20:38,149 --> 00:20:39,609 See everybody next week. 510 00:21:09,764 --> 00:21:10,932 Mortimer Smith, Jr., 511 00:21:11,016 --> 00:21:12,559 New York Times bestselling author, 512 00:21:12,642 --> 00:21:14,561 your book is about innocence, the definition of it, 513 00:21:14,644 --> 00:21:16,563 and, inevitably, its impossibility. 514 00:21:16,646 --> 00:21:18,398 Is it autobiographical? 515 00:21:18,481 --> 00:21:19,649 Certainly. 516 00:21:19,733 --> 00:21:22,569 I mean, all writing is, in my opinion. 517 00:21:22,652 --> 00:21:25,530 But my, uh — 518 00:21:25,614 --> 00:21:28,283 My father kept me locked in the house 519 00:21:28,366 --> 00:21:30,785 until I was a teenager. 520 00:21:30,869 --> 00:21:32,579 And there was violence 521 00:21:32,662 --> 00:21:35,707 and, uh, threats of poison gas — 522 00:21:35,790 --> 00:21:37,459 but also dancing. 523 00:21:37,542 --> 00:21:39,586 But you persevered and created this masterpiece 524 00:21:39,669 --> 00:21:40,962 from your suffering. 525 00:21:41,046 --> 00:21:43,632 Smith Jr.'s mind-bending novel, "My Horrible Father," 526 00:21:43,715 --> 00:21:45,592 in every store and on everyone's mind. 527 00:21:45,675 --> 00:21:47,385 Pick it up. We'll be right back. 528 00:21:47,469 --> 00:21:48,970 It's a thankless job, Morty. 529 00:21:49,054 --> 00:21:50,138 You did the best you could. 530 00:21:50,221 --> 00:21:52,641 I hope he's eating enough. 531 00:21:54,184 --> 00:21:55,602 Did you get any of that? 532 00:21:55,685 --> 00:21:57,687 It's a good-a show!