- Thanks for coming in, Henry. - Of course, father. Of course.
I wanted to discuss Shawn's attitude in Sunday school lately.
I can't get through a lecture without him questioning every detail.
Take this morning's, for instance, on Noah's ark.
I'm sorry, dad. But it doesn't make sense.
What doesn't make sense, Shawn?
Lots of things.
Like if the ark was built in the Middle East,
how did animals like the koala bear get to it?
God helped them get there using his almighty power.
That's exactly right, Gus.
Then why didn't he use those powers to create the ark?
Wouldn't that be much faster than getting Noah to build it?
Because god prefers his creations accomplish things on their own.
Unless those creations happen to be koala bears, right?
Shawn, I think you're getting a little too hung up on the details.
Really? You've always taught me that details are everything in life.
- You're missing the point. - How'd they keep all the lions
from eating all the zebras?
Don't you think that the seven lions would have gone through
at least seven zebras by then?
They could have easily eaten seven zebras by then.
Lions eat close to 5,000 pounds of meat a year.
Why don't we break this down? What have we got here? We've got Noah,
we got a boatload full of animals. What would be his M.O.?
This is not a detective case, Henry. This is...
Have you two ever considered visiting the methodist church down the street?
It's quite nice.
Agatha!
- Wait! - Get away!
Get... Stay back!
No, don't come any closer to me.
Stay back.
Come down. I wanna help you.
How come you're so quiet?
- 'Cause I'm mad at you. - What? How come?
How come? Really?
Does this conversation sound familiar?
"Hey, Gus, you wanna go to the beach today?"
"Are you sure you don't wanna check out that jumper over at Saint Attalus?"
"It sounds like a straightforward suicide to me. Are you peeing?"
"No, Shawn, I'm doing the dishes." "Sounds like you're peeing, excuse me."
The nozzle was on spray mode. And Shawn, I do not talk like that.
"Shawn, maybe we should stop by Saint Attalus just to be sure.
"Besides, there'll be all kinds of hotties
"running around in catholic school girl uniforms."
What?
Question...
Where are all the girls in the catholic school girl uniforms?
- There's one right over there. - No, that is a male bagpiper.
- Why is this case so important to you? - It happens to be intriguing to me.
Besides, I'm here to see an old friend.
You randy little spaniel.
Why didn't you just say so? Dude, you know I love playing wingman.
Just point her out, we'll get this party started... tonight!
- Father Westley? - Hello, gus.
Scratch the wingman thing, man, I'm out.
- Thanks for coming. - Of course.
- Been a long time. - Yes, it has.
You remember Shawn Spencer, don't you?
How could I forget? He's my favorite little skeptic.
- My friends call me "skepty". - No.
- They will. - I was happy when you moved back here.
Well, you and I both.
I was right in the midst of shoveling five inches
of snow off my driveway in Buffalo.
When I got the call offering me the position here.
I can't believe you have become detectives.
Psychic detectives to be exact.
Actually, he's the psychic, I'm a pharmaceutical salesman.
- We also do commercial jingles. - No.
We will.
Muffins.
- That's incredible. - Thanks, I made it up just now.
- It's about the detective thing. - That too.
Can you tell us about the tragedy that occurred here last night?
If you two don't mind,
- we're asking questions. - If one of them is,
"do the female students wear catholic school girl uniforms?"
The answer to that is no.
Stay.
Father.
What else can you tell us about the deceased?
Agatha was a model student.
Hard-working, well-liked, outgoing.
Then about three weeks ago something changed.
She became extremely short tempered, emotionally unstable.
Almost manic. None of us knew what it was.
There was no history of mental illness
and her friends say she never touched drugs or alcohol.
Was she a fan of the game Grand Theft Auto?
I know when I play, I become raving mad, foaming at the mouth.
- I had to taser him once. - Which I still feel was excessive.
St. Attalus doesn't allow video games.
They don't allow school girl uniforms, either.
- Will you stop? - No.
Will you just stop it?
Excuse us for a moment. Detective...
- You know what I think? - What?
- I think she was... - You're wrong.
I'm sorry, I jumped the gun on that. Please continue.
- I think she was murdered. - Are you finished?
You're wrong.
My senses are telling me that this girl committed suicide.
Well you can tell your senses to kiss my sweet...
Love biscuits.
I don't know if you made it less offensive.
Look, you have to admit there's something weird here.
I mean, a girl like Agatha doesn't just randomly go nuts and kill herself.
- There has to be an explanation. - I have one.
Now is not the time, Peter.
I'd like to hear what he has to say.
She was possessed.
I guess my video game theory isn't looking so stupid right now.
Psych Team
Psych 404 - The Devil's in the Details and in the Upstairs Bedroom
So let me get this straight. You think that she was possessed?
As in floating above the bed, head spinning, pukes up on the wall,
- that sort of thing? - That's the Hollywood version.
The real life signs of possession are often more subtle than that.
Though there have been some reports of levitation in exorcisms.
- That's true. - You'll have to forgive father Westley,
he comes from an era of the church where such beliefs were more widely accepted.
Today the majority of us view the concept
of demonic possession to be a little far-fetched.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Father, you should come as well.
I'm speaking the truth. You have to believe me.
I don't arrive at such conclusions easily.
- Father Westley. - Yes.
- You have a little shiver over there? - No,
it's all this talk of devil and possession.
I don't scare easily, but that stuff makes me shake in my boots.
I'm talking to Vick, she wants to know if you two dopes are on the case.
Lassie, my friend,
- I'm afraid the answer is a big fat... - Yes.
- And by yes, he means... - Absolutely.
May I speak with you in the "stop openly contradicting me" room, please?
You can tell her we'll take it.
What?
Since when do you accept a case without running it by your partner?
- You do it every week. - That makes it right?
Shawn, I know who killed that girl.
Who?
The devil.
So, I've been thinking...
If we end up catching the devil, and he starts acting all devily,
I know what to do. First, I'll buy a fiddle,
play a quick tune so he underestimates my ability,
then I'll challenge him to a wager... He wins, he gets my soul.
I win, we get his cooperation.
I get it. You don't believe in possessions.
But I do. Especially after I saw
this police sketch of the suspect.
Last seen at the local canned ham factory.
How long did it take you to draw that?
A good half hour, but I think it sold my point.
Look, I know father Westley's theory is kind of crazy.
But if he believes it, then I need to take it seriously.
- You know how much I look up to him. - I look up to Brett Favre.
It doesn't mean I believe everything he says.
All right, that's a bad example. It's those tearful press conferences.
- They get me every time. - I just wanna at least look into it.
But I can have your back on this.
I know, that's why I wanna be the lead investigator.
- Since when do we have titles? - Since you ordered business cards
that say, "Shawn Spencer, lead investigator."
No, silly.
It's "lead... Leadinvestigators."
A business I was thinking of starting after we watched Erin Brockovich.
- Okay... fine. - Thank you.
You're the lead.
- I'm in the back seat. - Thank you.
Yeah, come in.
Come on in, boys.
Let me get another look at you two, huh?
You two haven't changed a bit.
Have a seat, boys.
You know, I want to apologize for earlier on.
You know, father Bard, like a lot of the younger members of the church
isn't very tolerant towards views that he doesn't agree with.
I actually want to ask you about that.
What was it about Agatha that made you think she was possessed?
Well, her extreme change of personality for one.
And that, coupled with...
the fact that I learned that she'd been dabbling in the occult.
According to a friend, she had been conducting seances
and using Ouija boards.
Both of which can be used as calling cards
of sorts for demonic spirits.
Just for the record, father,
I use Ouija boards all the time when I was a kid.
And never once was I pos...
You're gonna die up there.
Come on, man, it's a line from the movie.
If Agatha was possessed, why didn't you
- or someone else perform an exorcism? - Believe me, I tried.
But I had to get the approval of the headmaster
who happens to be father bard.
And he said no, of course.
I could have prevented her death.
That's an interesting theory, father. But isn't it possible...
- Back seat. - Agatha was a disturbed young girl?
- Back seat. - Shawn, believe me,
I've dealt with enough disturbed people to know the difference.
Look, I understand how this may seem a bit illogical to you, but trust me,
possessions are real.
They're real.
I can personally attest to it.
This thing.
Come on.
Let me know when you're ready to bail on the possessed theory,
because I actually have a real idea for why Agatha was acting crazy.
There will be no bailing.
I just found these articles online about father Westley.
Did you know he's one of the foremost experts on demonic possession in USA?
He performed a bunch of high profile exorcisms in the '70s,
including this one in Peru, which lasted over a month.
I remember reading about it as a kid.
In what? This never actually happened magazine?
You mock, but check this out.
- Agatha's page. - You friended a dead person.
No, I figured out her password and logged on.
Let me guess.
She's kind of gothy, so it's probably something like "bauhaus"
- or "siouxsie" with an "x." - Her birthday.
No, that's too obvious. "Bjork"?
- The password is her birthday. - Bravo for knowing Bjork's birthday.
Her own birthday. Will you check this out?
Look at her status updates from 3 weeks ago.
Notice how they're all cheery?
"Agatha is loving Santa Barbara." "Agatha played with the cutest puppy."
- I bet it was a labradoodle. - You know that's right.
Look here now, the next day, they completely change.
"Agatha is over everybody! Agatha just wants to be left alone."
That is when she became possessed.
Or...
- may I go now? - Go ahead.
Or, that is precisely when she started having man trouble, come on.
What are you talking about?
She was wearing a sweatshirt that was at least a double XL.
That means she either spent a few hours in one of those cartoon steam boxes
that shrinks you a few sizes, or it belonged to her boyfriend.
So why don't we check her photos
- and find out? - Go ahead.
Man, how come every girl posts, like, a million photos online
of her and friends posing cheek to cheek? It's so lame.
Says the guy who has that on his desk.
It's not posted online, gus.
Yet.
Boring.
I give you Agatha's boyfriend.
What's your name, smoochie? Well, hello, Cameron.
We don't know that they were having trouble.
Really?
Wednesday, the 5th:
"Agatha is pissy at her boyfriend."
9th: "Agatha's tired of all the drama."
And the 14th:
"Agatha is now single."
That last one was two days before she died.
I'll give you two possible scenarios. One, Cameron dumped Agatha,
and she threw herself off a building in despair. Or two,
Agatha dumped Cameron, he pushed her off the building in a fit of rage.
Both of which are far more plausible
than the devil going down to Santa Barbara.
- Where are you going? - We are going to talk to Cameron.
I'm going to crack this thing. But first,
I'm gonna need my leadinvestigator title back.
Thank you.
- What was her major? - It's Christian studies.
Christian studies.
Unbelievable.
Lassie has now beaten us to a suspect.
I'm afraid history will not look too kindly
on your tenure as leadinvestigator.
Hey, kids,
- what did we miss? - This is Agatha's ex-boyfriend.
Let me guess. Your name is Cameron.
- That's right. - You guys broke up two days ago.
- And you weigh a solid 225. - You're about 50 pounds off.
I got greedy.
Sorry to hear about the breakup. Those can be tough.
Let me guess, you dumped her, but she wouldn't accept it?
Agatha was the one that broke up with me.
I was willing to make it work.
Where were you last night when she jumped?
I was in the desert at Burning Man.
I hope you can prove that, buddy.
Well, it looks like you guys got this one covered.
Gus and I are going to throw back shots and hit the confessional booth.
The dude's alibi is good.
There was a backpack and shoes covered in sand from Burning Man.
Excuse me, are you the grief counselors?
As a matter of fact we are, Mary.
- How did you know that was my name? - Just a hunch.
How's Cameron doing? We're all really worried about him.
It's tough. He's hanging in there.
I think he'll feel much better once the medication kicks in.
- He's on medication? - No, I am. Just an antacid.
Is there anyone else you can think of who's taking the news of Agatha's death
particularly hard?
Family or close friends?
You know about Lucy?
Yes, of course. She charges,
what, five cents for psychiatric help.
And if she ever asks you to kick a football, you say no.
We don't know about Lucy.
She was one of Agatha's best friends.
She saw the whole thing happen.
Agatha died in her arms.
Really?
You wouldn't happen to know where we could find this Lucy?
Hello, Mrs. Ryan.
My name is Shawn, this is Shawn. No relation.
We're grief counselors from the school.
Thank God. Please come in.
I'm sorry, I thought you were just another pair of detectives.
There were detectives here earlier?
Yes, two by the name O'Hara and Lassiter.
- Dude, you're on fire. - They didn't get much.
Lucy was really withdrawn.
You two couldn't have come at a better time.
It's like she's a shell of her former self.
Do you think she has PTSD?
I'm afraid this is far more serious than a mere menstrual issue.
It could be post traumatic stress disorder.
But we won't know for sure until we talk with her.
In private, if you don't mind.
Of course. Please, go on up...
Her room is the first left at the top of the stairs.
Can I get either of you something?
A diet coke, some garlic hummus, and the new Tv Guide, if you have it.
Mrs. Ryan,
is your daughter by any chance an expert yogi?
Or an olympic gymnast, perhaps?
No, why?
There's no particular reason.
Hey, Lucy.
That was some pretty sweet spider walking.
We were hoping you could shed some light on what happened last night.
Die.
We heard you lost your best friend. That's terrible. We're so sorry.
Both of you die.
There's something wrong with her.
She just saw her best friend kill herself.
Imagine how you'd be if you saw me torn apart by a pride of angry lions.
I'm having second thoughts about our spring safari trip.
Hear me out.
Agatha jumped off to kill herself and the demon that was inside of her.
Right before she died, the demon transferred out of her and into Lucy.
- Just like in The Exorcist. - You're basing this on a fiction.
You once tried to solve a case using the movie Pretty In Pink.
That's completely different, Pretty In Pink is more of a docu-drama.
All right, fine, let's say she is possessed.
How come she isn't projectile vomiting
and spouting stuff in languages that she doesn't know?
You mean like that?
How many foreign languages does your daughter speak?
Just french.
In your fudge.
She was speaking german.
- How do you know that? - I went to college.
Lucy, please calm down.
Admit it, the only reason why you won't accept possession
as a real possibility is because Father Westley came up with it.
- You've always had a problem with him. - I don't have a problem with him.
He has a problem.
Because I have the ability to see things in more than one way.
You clearly can't see things objectively right now.
That's it, I'm taking back over as lead investigator.
Sorry, buddy. Only one title switch per investigation.
It's in the fine print on the back of my business card.
Come on, chill out, man. I'm just messing with you.
Don't punch me, Shawn.
- That was way harder. - Well.
- You want to do this? - Come on.
- Right now? - Come on.
- Come on, baby girl. - Come on, come on.
Excuse me!
What kind of grief counselors are you?
We're very progressive.
This is an exercise that we do.
It helps us empathize with your daughter's pain.
Right, watch.
I'm now going to turn things over to the lead
grief counselor, Shawn.
You're on your own.
All right.
Where's is it? Where is my Xbox?
- Where is it? - What are you talking about?
Dad, this is not the day to mess with me.
I can assure you of that.
I can't believe you stole this from me.
I prefer the term "repossessed," in that you reneged on our deal.
I painted your house, just like we agreed.
Minus the spots behind the bushes that no one ever sees,
and the windows, and of course, the entire back.
That stays here until you're finished. End of story.
Let me guess. Relationship trouble?
- I hate it when we fight. - I'm sure she feels the same way.
I'm not talking about Abigail, I mean Gus.
So am I.
I was starting to make some progress on this case we're working on,
and he refuses to let go of this ridiculous theory that he has.
Do you remember my ex-partner, Stevie?
There was this one time when Stevie was convinced
that break-ins was being committed by an ape who had escaped from the zoo.
I thought he had lost his mind. But I went down the road with him on it.
And it turned out to be a good move, you know why?
I don't know. Headlines?
"Cops stop monkey business: criminals go bananas"?
I'm trying to make a point here.
The point is it turned out to be a good move
because from that point on Stevie always supported my ideas.
You get your partner's back, Shawn.
Even if it means putting your doubts aside for a minute.
What are you doing here?
I came back to help my partner.
Thanks, buddy.
But I already called someone.
Who?
I appreciate you keeping an open mind about this.
No problem, buddy. Tell me if...
this girl turns out to be possessed and the whole exorcism thing works...
Where does that leave us?
It's over, we know why Agatha killed herself.
Right.
Now when it doesn't work...
I'm sorry, if it doesn't work...
you promise me that we can go back to doing things my way?
- And what way is that again? - You know,
follow a few leads, make some inappropriate jokes,
I'll remember and then we'll tip off the police using a little bit of this.
- You got it. - All right.
I want both you boys in there with me
in the event she needs to be restrained.
Have either one of you ever been involved in an exorcism?
You need to be strong in there.
Understand?
All right, let's bring it in.
- This isn't a ball game, boys. - You.
I always try to start with a little humor.
Check this one out. A priest, a rabb...
It's over now.
Let's go.
Now.
Right now.
Demons will do everything in their power to keep from getting expelled.
And their powers are great.
And they know everything about us...
Facts, dreams, inner desires.
And they won't hesitate to use them against you.
What's going on?
We're here to help.
But I don't need any help. I'm fine.
See that? She's fine. Great work.
- Who's up for some fro-yo? - She's lying...
to get us to leave.
If I woke up and there were two dudes and a priest standing over me,
I'd lie too.
Holy water.
- In the name of the Father, the Son... - Stop it! Stop it!
the Holy Ghost... Hold her down.
Now! Hold her down.
You're okay, you're okay.
You're hot.
Thank you. You're not so bad yourself.
Maybe a little... Well, young.
She's using lies to distract you.
Well, it's not fair to assume she's lying.
Silence!
Be gone, Satan!
Inventor and master of all deceit,
- be gone! - All right, you know what?
Carson D.'s got Simon Baker on tonight.
That's a can't-miss, okay? I'm gonna go, you can keep exorcisizing.
I know about Mr. Reno.
What did you say?
He was your seventh grade shop teacher.
You placed a tack on his chair.
How did you... Did you tell her that?
You're the one who gave him blood poisoning.
- No, we don't know that for sure. - Get him out of here, Gus.
The man made a living handling rusty metals.
Father Westley, what in God's name is going on in here?
Good luck, guys.
You sure you didn't say anything to her about Mr. Reno?
Stay here. It's okay.
The most high God commands you!
Nomine patris, et filii, et spiritus sancti...
Double whoa.
It's over.
She's clean.
- How's she doing? - She's exhausted and a bit confused.
I have to say, she really seems like her old self.
I can't thank you all enough.
It's Father Westley who deserves the credit.
I was just doing the Lord's work.
Thank you, Father.
There has to be an explanation for why Agatha was acting nuts.
- Tell me you have something there. - I wish.
Her toxicology report just came back negative.
Are you getting a premonition?
No, just a head rush.
Happens to me quite a bit when I'm sleep deprived.
Spencer, you're wrong about this one. That girl was murdered.
- That's not humanly possible. - And how come?
- Because you think she was murdered. - I guess we'll see.
- We will see. - We'll see.
I just said that.
Boys.
So, if she had any drug in her system, it would show up on this report?
No, just the ones they test for. The standard narcotics, why?
Do you have a specific drug in mind?
Not yet.
bursts of energy.
Hey, Gus. What is up?
Why are you sitting at my desk?
Just working on my status updates. Check this one out...
"Shawn Spencer is trading in his Chevy
"for a Cadillac-a-lac-a-lac-a-lac."
Then why...
- Then why were you... - What?
Why are you reading my index of medications?
Because it's hilarious.
The section on medications that treat urinary infections made me pee my pants.
Which is ironic if you think about it.
- You're on to something, aren't you? - Yep. Got to go. Thanks for the cake.
That's a sponge to moisten stamps.
Dad? You know I hate coming here, but I need more partner advice.
Well, this is sad.
You haven't gone to bed, have you?
I tried, but it's this game. It keeps calling me back.
It lets you feel like a cop without all the guilt after you shoot someone.
What are you doing?
Kids your age should not be cooped up inside playing video games all day.
You should be outdoors feeding pigeons, and driving with your blinker on.
What do you want, Shawn?
You remember I asked you what you should do when you think your partner's wrong?
What do you do when you know they are?
That's simple...
You tell them the truth.
But in the most respectful way possible.
You were wrong.
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Finger-guns.
Wrong. Wrong.
- Wrong on your weenie. - Shawn, put down the finger-guns.
Agatha wasn't possessed. She was drugged.
I saw the toxicology report, she was clean.
The preliminary report, sure. But they don't test for everything.
I made a list of medications with psychological side effects
and had them test for those as well.
And guess which one they found in her system.
L-dopa.
- The parkinson's medication? - Correctamundo.
And do you know what happens to someone who takes L-dopa
that doesn't have Parkinson's?
They experience extreme emotional states,
disillusionment, and uncontrollable bursts of energy.
What's up? Sound like anyone we know?
That doesn't explain the lamp, or how Lucy knew the German,
or the tack story.
All right, in order. The lamp...
The chick was flailing about, she was grabbing at everything.
The German...
Etcetera is a line from Run Lola Run,
which according to her page is her favorite movie.
I mean, it's a nice little film, but favorite? Really?
It ends in the middle and starts all over again...
Anyway, speaking of personal networking sites,
I forgot that our good friend stumpy from grade school
posted the following message on my page a few months back.
"Hello, Shawn. Remember when you put that tack
"on Mr. Reno's chair and gave him blood poisoning?"
Stumpy wasn't british.
My page is open for public viewing
so that our potential clients can check us out.
Clearly she went onto it after we stopped by yesterday.
So, you think they were just popping Parkinson's pills?
They were being given to them secretly.
By who?
Someone with access to the medication...
Which brings me to the bad news.
Father Westley?
He was diagnosed ten years ago.
I'm sorry, dude. It all checks out.
- Guess what he takes. - L-dopa.
Every day.
No. There's no way.
Think about it, Gus.
Back in the'70s, when disco and exorcisms were all the rage,
he was the man.
Strutting around, exorcising demons in his polyester cassock.
Cut to 30 years later, and all the younger members
of the church treat him like a crazy old man.
So what does he do? He tries to create a possession to prove them all wrong.
He drugs the chick with the Ouija board. That goes terribly awry.
He realizes he has one last chance.
When he learns that Lucy was next to her when she died.
So he makes her possessed.
I really am sorry, buddy.
- You're doing okay? - Oh, I can't complain.
My vows of poverty and abstinence
that I took 40 years ago prepared me quite well for prison life.
You believe I'm innocent, right?
I do.
But I need your help to prove it.
Do you know anyone who had access to your medication?
Well, I suppose there were a lot.
You know, I kept it in the top drawer of my desk,
I rarely ever locked my office.
Do you know of anyone who may have had it out for Agatha?
Actually, someone does come to mind.
Who?
I'm afraid I can't tell you that.
They revealed it to me during confession.
You can't make this exception just once?
As a man of the cloth, you know I can't.
How about a man of the orange cloth?
Your freedom is at stake here.
I have total faith that the Lord will get me through this, Gus.
Until then, I have my Bible to give me strength.
Proverbs 11:6.
It's been especially comforting to me as of late.
Time's up.
Dad?
- Is that you? - Yeah. Yeah, it's me.
But there's no reason to come down.
I'm just here... I'm just here to finish up the painting.
Where have you been? I need to talk to you.
- Now is not the best time. - Father Westley is innocent.
What?
Someone confided in him that they had it out for Agatha.
But he can't say who it is because it was told to him during confession.
What are you saying? You have a hunch based on unverifiable information?
That's what you use to solve every case.
Okay, that stings. It's true, though.
What else did he say?
He did say he's been getting strength from a particular proverb.
All right, fine. Let's do a quick list. "You can't teach an old dog new tricks"?
"A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush"?
- "If it's brown, flush it down"? - Shawn, proverbs 11:6. The Bible.
- What's going on in here? - Nothing is going on.
Where is your Bible?
I don't know. That's a good question.
- Where did I put it? - Gosh.
- Really? - Here, let me see that.
All right, look, this is just a shot in the dark, but I think maybe... Maybe
Father Westley was trying to tell you something
with the proverb that he mentioned.
Where's the table of contents in this thing?
Tell you what, you do this,
I am gonna go prime the outside, 'cause I'm gonna paint!
If you leave with that bag, I will pull out my gun.
All right, do you know what?
You need help.
I know. I know.
What's happening to me?
Okay, here it is.
"The righteousness of the upright will save them,
the unfaithful will be trapped by evil desires."
The unfaithful...
- will be trapped by evil desires. - That's good.
- What up? - Hello, Cameron.
Hey, guys.
What are you doing here?
Unfortunately, we're here to tell you that you are under arrest
for possession of an illegal hot plate.
What?
Just messing with you, man.
We were in the neighborhood. We thought we'd come by and say hey.
Are we interrupting something?
Well, actually...
- What's going on? - Put a sock on the door next time.
Lucy and I were just comforting each other.
Is that what the church is calling it these days?
You tell us what's going on?
I know who was drugging Agatha,
and it wasn't Father Westley.
- You don't think it was me? - What do you think, Lassie?
Absolutely.
Great, now I know for sure that it was...
Lucy.
- What are you talking about? - Come on.
Admit it.
You wanted Cam the whole time that he and Agatha were together.
That's so not true.
Yeah, Lucy and I have always just been friends.
Cam, don't be so naive. Men and women can't be friends.
When Harry met Sally.
It also taught us that women often fake orgasms.
Lucy, you wanted him badly.
So badly it was filling you with guilt.
So much guilt that you had to go and confess to someone
in order to get it off your chest, isn't that right?
Did Father Westley tell you about that?
You just did.
I know how this movie ends.
She desperately wanted them to break up.
So she stole Father Westley's medication
and secretly gave it to Agatha
hoping the poor girl would act so crazy that Cameron would dump her.
But Agatha ended up dumping him, but that didn't matter.
Because Lucy got what Lucy wanted. But there was a problem.
The medication made Agatha too crazy.
And then Lucy was trapped.
'Cause it was only a matter of time before someone uncovered your plan.
Then she overheard Father Westley's proclamation.
She was possessed.
And she figured she had the perfect thing to throw us off the trail.
Props to you for your performance as a possessed girl.
Linda Blair would be proud.
And now you can do your best impression of her inchained heat.
And?
- Red heat. - Right.
Two prison movies!
Is this true?
I never meant to hurt her, honest.
I just knew that she wasn't right for you.
Let's go.
Okay, you're up.
Look, I'm having second thoughts about this whole confession thing.
- You promised me you'd go just once. - I know, I know I did.
But it's Father Westley, and he knows me.
And it just... It feels weird.
Trust me, you'll feel better about yourself.
Go on.
Wrong door.
Bless me father for I have sinned, it's been...
Carry the one...
15 years since my last confession.
That's not very priestly...
I don't think.
Whatever. As far as the sinning goes,
I'm a little unclear as to what's still on the list nowadays.
I'm assuming that stealing is still a no-no, right?
- That's correct. - Okay, and then greed?
- Impure thoughts? - Big time.
You have any place you need to be soon? This could take a while.
Let's start with the lying. I do it all the time.
But here's the good news: nature of my job.
Yeah, go on.
I'd rather switch over to stealing, if you don't mind.
I don't do it often, but something's been gnawing at me lately.
Gus, can you hear me?
Here's the thing, I've been stealing food
that Gus hides in his desk and eating it.
And then blaming it on the cleaning lady Onelia.
I knew it! I knew it!
Damn it.
Was that word a sin?
I'm sorry.
One thing I wasn't lying about was the commercial jingles.
Perhaps, I could help the church out with a new theme.
Boom, boom, boom wafers
No, that's not it.
That's not the one. Let me try this.
Boom, boom, boom holy ghost
I like that. Holy ghost.