(dramatic music)
- Good evening theater nerds, welcome to "Play It By Ear,"
the musical improv show.
I'm your host, Mano Agapion.
Please join me in welcoming today's cast.
We've got Zach Reino!
Jess McKenna!
- Hi.
- [Mano] Ashley Ward!
And Chris Grace!
(upbeat music)
Look at that cast.
- Girl, look at that cast.
- Did you break your arm?
Look at that cast.
- What you gonna do with all that cast?
♪ All that cast inside your seams ♪
- Whoa!
- We have an incredible show tonight
and I'm so very excited.
Are we ready?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Soap opera lovers rejoice.
We bring you an emotionally charged drama,
exploring the personal and professional dilemmas
of the doctors and nurses.
This is Heartbeat Hospital.
- [Cast] Whoa.
(dramatic music)
- Get that operating table in here at once.
- Yes, doctor. - Yes, doctor.
- This patient is about to die.
- Not if we have anything to say about it.
- That's right.
You're the best heart surgeon in the world.
We brought you in specially for this.
- And this.
- This is the Secretary of Agriculture.
- This is my one true love.
- What?
♪ Open up the ventricles, open everything ♪
♪ Seal up the parts that never could be the same ♪
♪ Hand me the tools ♪
♪ And give me the strength ♪
♪ To take what is broken and make it right as rain ♪
♪ How to heal ♪
♪ A broken heart ♪
♪ Oh sometimes you cut it apart ♪
♪ How to heal a broken heart ♪
♪ Sometimes first you have to ♪
♪ Cut it apart ♪
♪ Well, you didn't tell us of this connection that you had ♪
♪ I hope you do a good job and you don't do one that's bad ♪
♪ Will your emotion involve yourself ♪
♪ And cloud all of your judgment? ♪
♪ Will you kill this man on the table? ♪
♪ I'm the only one for the job ♪
♪ I'm the only one for the task ♪
♪ But I can't turn away ♪
♪ From the legitimate question you've asked ♪
♪ Can you operate on your love? ♪
♪ Can you operate on your life? ♪
♪ Or with every suture are you sewing strife? ♪
♪ How to mend ♪
♪ A broken heart? ♪
♪ Maybe I should walk away ♪
♪ Maybe it's not my part ♪
♪ How to mend ♪
♪ A broken heart ♪
♪ Walk away now or it's too late ♪
♪ Because I already start ♪
♪ And if I could talk, what would I say? ♪
♪ Watching my life ♪
♪ Potentially slip away ♪
♪ How do you heal a broken heart? ♪
♪ How do I heal ♪
♪ A broken heart? ♪
♪ How do I heal a broken heart? ♪
[Zach] ♪ Heart! Heart! Heart! ♪
- Hold.
(piano note mimics heart monitor)
♪ He's stable now ♪
♪ Maybe the worst has passed ♪
♪ Or maybe we'll wait and see if this should be his last ♪
♪ Trying to stay ♪
♪ Alive ♪
- Yes!
Amazing.
Oh boy!
So I'd like this next scene to include someone
who's hiding some very obvious plastic surgery.
Have fun.
- Dr. Keating?
- Yes, Dr. Smith?
- Thank you so much for meeting with me.
Wanted to do a postmortem on our last surgery.
- Well, you're the hospital administrator,
you're technically my boss,
so I have to come to these meetings and hear your feedback.
- I think you should have kept that inside.
You shouldn't have said that out loud.
That's something I know,
and it feels condescending when I hear you say it.
- I apologize for that,
and of course I have to apologize for that
because you are my boss.
- Excuse me, I don't want you to call HR,
but it seems that your rear has fallen.
- What?
- Your hind quarters have collapsed.
- (music starts) Oh no, that's just my build.
- They were higher when you walked in, not that I noticed.
- My silhouette changes based on my mood?
As a young person of 30, which, you know,
because of my rear end.
As you may know, it's very important for a doctor
to stay on the young side of things so that you stay
having high career prospects.
- I do know that, Dr. Keating.
- So...
♪ I mean, look at me. ♪
♪ I'm a young doctor. ♪
♪ You can tell by my silhouette and by my rear end ♪
♪ And hey it's all natural ♪
♪ This is really my butt. ♪
♪ I would show you how it looks if you were my close friend. ♪
♪ This is all natural. ♪
♪ It is all natural. ♪
♪ People say, "Hey you, that butt is fake," ♪
♪ And I say, "No, it ain't, Jake," ♪
♪ It's all natural. ♪
♪ Yes, they are natural. ♪
♪ I'm a white guy and I'm young. ♪
♪ I like to do doctor things 'cause I'm fun. ♪
♪ Yes, it's natural. ♪
♪ And you are my boss. ♪
♪ I am ♪
♪ And I hate your guts ♪
♪ I gotta tell you, ♪
♪ You know, you speak a little too much ♪
♪ And with all this natural beauty, ♪
♪ I think it makes you a little too proud. ♪
♪ Proud to be a natural beauty. ♪
♪ A young doctor in this hospital, it's natural. ♪
♪ Oh yeah it's natural ♪
♪ And I promised you, I'll do a good job ♪
♪ And I'm so natural ♪
♪ I don't think you're natural ♪
- Yes! Beautiful!
- One of my favorite Chris things in the world is
the Chris strut.
- Yes.
- [Ashley] It is a patented strut.
He did get that registered.
- Take us somewhere
and I'll interrupt you with a song prompt.
- I'm sorry to put you in that situation.
Someone should never have to operate
on the person they love.
In fact, I think it's medically prohibited in most cases.
- That's why it wasn't me who operated on you.
- Wait, what?
- It was my twin.
- Your twin sister?
- My twin sister.
- But Vanessa, your twin sister Janessa
has been missing for 15 years.
- Has Janessa been missing or has Vanessa been missing?
- Wait, who am I married to?
Is it you or is it not you?
- You are married to me, but you are in love with my twin.
- Don't you tell me who I'm in love with!
- Well, in the last six months,
haven't you felt like a certain spice was back,
a certain spring in your step?
- It's a flame, I felt like, I don't know,
like back from when we were first married.
- Right.
It's 'cause it wasn't me.
- Okay, but- - It was her.
- Why, Vanessa?
If that is your real name.
- Yes, I'm Vanessa. - Okay.
- She's Janessa. - Okay.
Janessa did the surgery.
- Janessa did the surgery. - And you're here now.
- She's been in love with you.
- Ooh, I'm excited to hear what comes next.
I don't know what's gonna happen in this song,
but alls I's knows is that.
(cast laughing)
- What was that Mano?
- All's I's knows is that, and I do's knows,
is that I would like this song
to have tons of dramatic asides.
- I'm sorry we kept it from you.
It's just we thought it was best for a clean start.
She'd been missing for 12 years
and needed to get her life back,
and I was so beaten down by being
this renowned heart surgeon,
never having time for you or myself.
♪ You switched. ♪
♪ So secretly I guess you did a secret switch. ♪
♪ And I am the only one who didn't know. ♪
♪ We switched. ♪
♪ Switched. ♪
♪ Did a secret twin switch, ♪
♪ A sister, sister switch, ♪
♪ And we did it so you could finally be happy, and so, ♪
♪ But I am still the other one ♪
♪ But I'll never tell ♪
♪ I am still the other one, ♪
♪ But it's all just as well. ♪
♪ I am still the other ♪
♪ For the last six months. ♪
♪ But I'll keep it close. ♪
♪ Stay alive. ♪
♪ I am still the other one. ♪
♪ What else doesn't he know? ♪
♪ So for the last six months my wife, you, ♪
♪ Has been away finding herself. ♪
♪ Right. ♪
♪ And while that happened, your twin was here with me. ♪
♪ Oh this is putting me through hell. ♪
♪ So you don't remember the picnics? ♪
♪ Or the duck boats? ♪
♪ Or the flan? ♪
♪ No. ♪
♪ Or anything that's happened in the last six months, ♪
♪ 'Cause you were where? ♪
♪ I was gone. ♪
♪ Except I remember them ♪
♪ 'Cause it was still me. ♪
♪ I, yes, remember them. ♪
♪ I was there to see ♪
♪ And I'm still the other one. ♪
♪ And I am not who she thinks ♪
♪ For I'm a twin as well. ♪
♪ And I also switched with my brother seven months ago ♪
♪ Switched twins ♪
♪ And just a little switch, ♪
♪ A secret twin switch ♪
♪ And when twins switch ♪
♪ You can't tell which twin is which ♪
♪ Just a little switch ♪
♪ A secret twin switch. ♪
♪ And she will never know that I also did a secret twin switch. ♪
♪ But where is my twin? ♪
♪ 'Cause I'll never ♪
♪ Tell ♪
- Oh my God!
Harrowing!
Shocking!
Double twin twin switch!
I would like to meet some people
we might not expect in this hospital.
- I hate the characters we have so far.
- I can't believe our whole rugby team
broke all of their arms.
- It's so crazy.
What a scrum.
- That scrum was as scrum as they come.
- I feel like we went into too slippery of a scrum
and that was dumb, and now we broke our arms.
One through four is one in one.
- Why did all 15 of us get into the scrum?
Typically the scrum only has eight.
- I get that,
but like when I see a scrum I gots to come.
- You gots to come?
- Yeah, in the scrum. - Into the scrum.
- Oh, ok.
- Yeah, it's hard for me to avoid a scrum, they're so fun.
When I see a scrums, I gots to come.
- I don't know what song's a-coming,
all I know is that when the song does a-come,
I can't stop saying come.
I would like this, the coming song,
to include as many over the top riffs and runs as possible.
- Maybe we don't like the athletic competition
part of it at all.
Maybe we just love being in a big pile.
- Maybe we're just a bunch of men
that wanna be in a big pile.
♪ Maybe all that we really like, ♪
♪ All that we would like to stay for a while ♪
♪ Is just having some time ♪
♪ To all get in a big pile. ♪
♪ I've been thinking about this ♪
♪ As I go to the hospital ♪
♪ Mile after mile after mile ♪
♪ I don't wanna play sports ♪
♪ All I really wanna do is get with you ♪
♪ And you and you in a pile! ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Big pile of guys ♪
♪ A big pile of guys ♪
♪ Big big pile ♪
♪ Whoa! ♪
♪ Big pile of guys ♪
♪ A big pile of guys ♪
♪ You know when we're playing rugby ♪
♪ Oh my blood starts to boil ♪
♪ And I just wanna be in a big ol' pile ♪
♪ With a bunch of dudes all covered up in oil ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Big ol' pile of guys ♪
♪ And if we can pile it, pile it, pile it, pile it high ♪
♪ So high ♪
♪ We can pile it, pile it, pile it, pile it high ♪
♪ When I get in that pile, ♪
♪ You know what I got to do? ♪
♪ What do you got to do? ♪
♪ Oh yeah, I gots to come, ♪
♪ You know, I gots to come ♪
♪ Oh if there's a scrum ♪
♪ I gots to come. ♪
♪ When there's a scrum ♪
♪ I gots to come ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ If there will be scrumming ♪
♪ Then I will be going to the scrum ♪
♪ There is a scrum, ♪
♪ I'm gonna get me into the scrum ♪
♪ In the scrum, into the scrum ♪
♪ Cause if there's a big pile of dudes ♪
♪ Stacking up like a demon ♪
♪ You know, I'm going into that pile ♪
♪ And spread all of my information ♪
♪ About how much I love that pile ♪
♪ Let's get into that scrum ♪
♪ Scrum ♪
- Bravo!
Beautiful!
Lots of stuff.
We got rugby players who love to come.
- [Jess] Well- - [Ashley] Into the scrum.
- Into the scrum.
- That's what I meant.
What did you hear?
I feel like y'all should take us somewhere.
I bet you have some ideas.
- Dr. Keating.
- Hello Doctor.
- How are the brains treating you?
- They're doing good, I had some problems today.
I had a patient, I looked at them and I said,
I can't operate on this patient.
This is my son.
And then the patient was like, "What do you mean?
"This is a riddle I can't solve."
Yeah.
- Sorry, your, uh...
- My natural ass?
- Yeah, it's drooping a little bit.
- Well that's, it's five o'clock.
By the way,
you seem a little out of sorts lately.
- Do I? - Yes.
- I don't know why that is.
- Well I noticed you took a little longer
for your latest surgery.
- Huh.
- After you stitched the patient up,
you just stared into his eyes.
- Well that's a normal thing that you do
after you complete a difficult surgery
and has nothing to do with the fact that
normally you run a small stationery store.
I guess matters of the heart are sometimes different
than matters of the head, huh?
- You know what, I could use your help.
- Sure, of course.
- I've been having some relationship issues
and I wanted to write a note to my...
- A note, a simple note on a, what is that?
A beautiful third rail card press?
- I don't know, it's just paper.
All paper is the same.
I don't know what you're--
- All paper's not the same.
No, no. - What's the difference between these pens.
- Oh my gosh, thousands of differences.
- What are you talking about?
- Nothing, you're right.
- To prove this heart surgeon is definitely a heart surgeon,
this song will list as many body parts as possible.
- You see I'm actually in love with Dr. Smith,
the hospital administrator.
- That makes sense, you have that sort of
will they, won't they?
Why are you so mean to her?
- And I have to be honest with you,
I feel I can speak to you in a way
I don't feel like I'm talking doctor to doctor with you.
I almost feel like I'm talking doctor to
not a doctor in some way.
- I don't know why that would be.
Probably just because
we deal with different parts of the body.
- Yes, probably so, but can I be honest?
I've undergone a series of
self-administered plastic surgeries
to make myself look more appealing to Dr. Smith.
- I think perhaps you've gone too far.
- You think so?
She likes young white men with droopy asses.
- I know, but listen.
♪ There will always be a femur, ♪
♪ There will always be another cornea ♪
♪ That will be a little bit brighter than yours, ♪
♪ And you can search for the perfect lung or rib or ♪
♪ Gallbladder, but that won't matter ♪
♪ If you don't have your heart where it's coming from. ♪
♪ You are speaking my language. ♪
♪ You are mentioning the parts of the body. ♪
♪ I can relate to that. ♪
♪ But you've only mentioned just a few. ♪
♪ Can your scalp and ventricles ♪
♪ And maybe even your kidneys. ♪
♪ I know you have two ♪ - That's right
♪ but don't ignore your ♪
♪ True hallmarks ♪
♪ The marks that make you you ♪
♪ Don't ignore your true ♪
- [Chris] ♪ Hallmarks ♪ - [Jess] ♪ Hallmarks ♪
♪ The little parts that make you true ♪
♪ Look, I'm just like this piece of scrap paper ♪
♪ That I took from the trash. ♪
♪ No, this is beautiful. ♪
♪ And this is some stupid linen ♪
♪ Who would buy that? ♪
♪ Some pretentious ass. ♪
♪ No. ♪
♪ And maybe an embossed envelope ♪
♪ Or a perfect sealing sticker ♪
♪ That way you don't have to close it ♪
♪ By giving it a classic licker ♪
♪ Your true ♪
- [Chris] ♪ Hallmarks ♪ - [Jess] ♪ Hallmarks ♪
♪ The part that make you you ♪
♪ I'll show my true ♪
♪ Hallmarks ♪
♪ From your head, your heart to your knees, your elbows, ♪
♪ Your liver, and your ♪
♪ Tiny mandibles ♪
- [Jess] ♪ Your rods and your combs. ♪ - [Chris] ♪ Yes, my ♪
♪ My mandible ♪
♪ Your tongue, your tongue, your tastebuds, ♪
♪ Your lips, your ears, your nose, ♪
♪ Your eyes and your eyelids. ♪
♪ Your elbows and your trapezoid. ♪
- ♪ All of them make you ♪ - [Chris] ♪ But most of all ♪
♪ My mandible ♪
♪ For a truth you can't avoid ♪
♪ Your true ♪
- ♪ Hallmarks ♪ - ♪ Hallmarks ♪
♪ Like the message inside a card. ♪
♪ It's pithy and it's short ♪
♪ And it says the words you can't find ♪
♪ Maybe those are words you know, ♪
♪ Take from your heart ♪
♪ and not just your mind ♪
- Thank you doctor.
- You're welcome.
♪ Your deltoids and your eyes and ears ♪
♪ And elbows and knees and... ♪
♪ She's really a doctor ♪
♪ Only a doctor would be able to say those things to me ♪
(people clapping)
- Wow.
She's a doctor folks!
She knows body parts.
- She took at least one biology class.
- I have an idea.
Let's see two characters we haven't seen yet
interact with one another.
- Hello, Mr. Secretary. - Ah!
- I'm so proud to have been able to operate on you
in our hospital.
Look at you moving around after open heart surgery.
- Yes, no, I am the Secretary of Agriculture
and not the man who trains carrier pigeons.
- Thank goodness.
If you were.
- You are the hospital administrator.
- I am Hospital Administrator Smith.
It wasn't the name I was born with,
but it was the name I earned.
- Well you've taken very good care of me here
and I'm very anxious to get back to
counting the nation's
horses and crops.
- And I thought I had a lot of pressure at my job.
- But.
- God, I'm scared.
- Of what?
- My job,
love,
you.
- This hospital.
I don't know, maybe it's just waking up from heart surgery,
but it feels very
charged.
- I don't know what song's a-coming,
but I do know that I would like it to be
in the style of bluegrass.
- Oh, it's so charged here.
I've walked in on more things than you could even imagine.
- I don't know why you feel so anxious though.
Don't you like pretty much run this place?
- I'm supposed to,
but I don't even know how to run my own life.
- Listen, I think most people are just faking their jobs.
They don't really know what they're doing
and they get in there
and they sort of make it up as they go along.
- Do you mean it?
- I mean, I trained for being the Secretary of Agriculture
for a long time.
(aside) I didn't.
As far as I can tell, it's just a lot of like,
it's a lot about acting like you know what you're doing.
- Wow.
- And everything else just sort of falls into line.
- Really?
- [Zach] Sure.
♪ You know, I started out so long ago, ♪
♪ I never thought I'd be in this place. ♪
♪ I was always messing things up all over my house. ♪
♪ You know, I was my family's disgrace ♪
♪ I've been a very similar kind of man. ♪
♪ Make a mess, just left and right ♪
♪ Oh yeah. ♪
♪ But then I discovered what's become my master plan. ♪
♪ If you fake it 'til you make it, you'll be alright. ♪
♪ That's right. ♪
♪ Just fake it 'til you make it ♪
♪ And then keep on faking on ♪
♪ Fake it 'til you make it ♪
♪ And then keep faking, ♪
♪ You will fool someone. ♪
♪ I don't know why I opened up to you, a perfect stranger. ♪
♪ You'd think at my age I would understand. ♪
♪ Understand. ♪
♪ You're talking too much. ♪
♪ Well that can put you in some danger. ♪
♪ But I gotta say, you seem like my kind of man ♪
♪ Everywhere you look, ♪
♪ there's people straight up faking ♪
♪ From where they start, moment they begin. ♪
♪ Take for example, ♪
♪ this lady right over here ♪
♪ Has never before played the violin. ♪
♪ But look at her now. ♪
♪ She faked it 'til you make it. ♪
♪ And it seems like she knows how. ♪
♪ All she gotta do is fake it 'til you make it ♪
♪ Fake it, and it'll all work out somehow. ♪
♪ Hey. ♪
♪ I'm sorry but I couldn't help but overhear ♪
♪ Just what you're doin' ♪
♪ I have to fake something too. ♪
♪ I don't know how to play these spoons. ♪
♪ Don't you worry about it. ♪
♪ Just pretend like you do and knock 'em and make some noise ♪
♪ And be like, yep, this is how you play spoons ♪
♪ Here we go ♪
♪ Fake it 'til you make it ♪
♪ How about you? ♪
♪ If there's something you ever wanted to do, ♪
♪ Whoa, well now that pulled me into it. ♪
♪ Now I'm thinking of, ♪
♪ I ain't never tried, but I always wanna play this jug ♪
♪ Here's the words for it, everybody ♪
♪ Fake it 'til you make it ♪ (Jess making jug-playing noises)
♪ Just a couple of regular country bears ♪
♪ We'll fake it 'til you make it, yeah ♪
♪ Because no one, ♪
♪ Knows or ♪
♪ No one knows or cares ♪
(cast scatting)
- Spoons.
- Hey!
- Wow.
Shocking shit, but you know what?
This has made too much.
This has all made too much sense.
- Yeah, we agree.
- I wanna see this next scene set in a cemetery.
- Get in here everyone.
Look, I know it's scary, but this is what they wanted.
Do we know any of the people in the cemetery?
No. - No.
- I don't know any of the people in the cemetery.
- That's what I'm saying, Janice.
We don't know any of the people in the cemetery.
- Hey Janice, why'd you come in your nightgown?
- I don't know, it's so diaphanous.
- Janice, why can we see through you?
- Because I guess I'm just like transparent.
- Hey, real quick,
we know Janice, right?
- I thought you invited her.
- I thought you knew Janice.
- Someone invited Janice, it's fine.
(Jess repeating "wait")
- What?
- Wait, come back.
Look.
Here lies Janice.
- Yeah, that's crazy.
This dead person has the same name as our new friend.
- No, Tyler!
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
When you said come over here, I walked through Janice.
- Yeah.
- Well, Tyler, what more proof do you need?
- That ghosts exist?
That would fully rock my whole worldview,
and I am not about, oh!
- Say, Janice, you're a real life ghost.
- Yeah, but I just wanna be one of the cool kids.
- I would argue that ghosts are the coolest kids of all.
- Oh yeah, I can't think of a single type of kid
that's cooler than a ghost.
- Hey.
- [Jess] Yeah?
- Before you go.
- Yeah? - Yeah?
- I would like the song to incorporate the tune
of Auld Lang Syne at some point.
- May I?
- Please.
♪ If I think about what makes a kid cool these days ♪
♪ It's if I could see through them, ♪
♪ If I could see all of their ways, ♪
♪ Oh yeah, there's nothing I would rather influence or gloat ♪
♪ Than if I was cool as you and when I walk I'd really float ♪
♪ Cause there's nothing cooler than a ghost. ♪
♪ They're cool to the most. ♪
♪ There's nothing cooler than a ghost ♪
♪ They're cool to the most ♪
♪ They're cool to the most. ♪
♪ When I saw this gravestone sitting here, ♪
♪ I thought it was neat, ♪
♪ But it wasn't, it was Ja-neat ♪
♪ Ja-neat ♪
♪ You are the coolest girl in this midnight gathering. ♪
♪ If I was older, I would give to you an engagement ring ♪
♪ 'Cause you are cool. ♪
♪ What's cooler than a ghost? ♪
♪ I never knew it, no, no ♪ ♪ Cool to the most ♪
♪ I never knew it, no, no ♪ ♪ They're cool to the most ♪
♪ Most ♪
♪ There's nothing cooler than a ghost ♪
♪ You're cool to the most ♪
♪ You're like backwards hats meet roller blades, ♪
♪ Meet TV in your room, meet the Everglades ♪
♪ You're like skateboard tricks meets roller rinks, ♪
♪ Like staying up late meets silly string ♪
♪ Leather jackets, your own car, making out, ♪
♪ Bat wheels by far ♪
♪ Bat wheels. ♪
♪ You're even cooler than bat wheels ♪
♪ Should old Janice never be that cool ♪
♪ But new Janice is that cool ♪
♪ And nothing is remotely ♪
♪ As cool as Janice ♪
♪ Janice the ghost, Janice the ghost ♪
♪ Janice the coolest ghost ♪
♪ Janice the ghost, ♪
♪ Janice the ghost ♪
♪ Janice ♪
♪ I am ♪
♪ The coolest ♪
♪ Ghost ♪
♪ She died of tuberculosis ♪
♪ And now she disappeared ♪
♪ Finally laid to rest now that three midnight teens ♪
♪ Told her she was the best ♪
♪ The coolest ghost ♪
♪ Janice ♪
(people clapping)
- [Mano] Wow!
Shocking stuff.
Very good.
- Do you know that all ghosts' unfinished businesses
is just, are they cool?
- Are they cool enough?
And once three teens tell them they're cool, they can rest.
- I feel like y'all have a lot of work on your hands
wrapping this thing up, what do you say?
- Well, secretary,
I want to thank you for being here at the hospital.
You seem to have recovered quite well.
- Uh huh.
- I know I didn't have anything to do with your surgeries.
I'm a brain surgeon.
- With an incredible young body.
- Thank you.
We've tried to take care of you just as we have ever since
this hospital was founded by the father of a young woman
who died many years ago.
Her name was Janice and she was very uncool.
Yeah.
That's funny.
I was gonna unload some of our problems
here at the hospital on you,
but you're the Secretary of Agriculture.
You wouldn't care about something like that.
- Doctors. - Yes.
- Doctor, where's Dr. Westmoreland?
- You're the administrator.
You're supposed to know where everyone is.
- Oh, I'm back.
- Dr. Westmoreland, we've just been served.
- Oh no.
- They said our heart doctor doesn't know what she's doing.
- But that's impossible, I haven't been here for six months.
- What, but we thought you had?
What?
- I left a note on your desk saying,
gone to silent retreat.
I sent it by carrier pigeon.
- But we banned carrier pigeons right before you left.
- Just because you banned them
doesn't mean people aren't doing them on the side.
- Wait, but who's been doing all these heart surgeries?
People keep saying they-
- Yes, and wasn't it you, Dr. Westmoreland.
We were speaking of medical knowledge such as
knee, elbow, mandible.
- I don't think I'm supposed to be in this doctor's meeting,
but I do have information critical
to what you are talking about.
- Well, this is my husband of course.
- Oh, right, I forgot.
- Oh yeah.
- You acted so strangely to him
when you were performing surgery.
- Well we've been-
But I didn't perf-
You underwent heart surgery?
- From what I thought was you,
and then what I realized later on was actually your twin,
because I didn't know you were going on a sabbatical.
- But I sent you a message through my sister.
I sent it as a card
because she works at a small stationery store.
- It makes perfect sense.
This lawsuit says that instead of having their hearts fixed,
they had thank you notes inside their bodies.
(people clapping)
Wait, why are we clapping?
Was a band playing?
- But you.
- What is going on?
- No, Janessa.
Janessa, you didn't!
- Tyler, it's me, Byler.
- What did I do?
Show you once and for all that.
- That my twin and my wife's twin
are perfect for each other,
even though they think they're in love with us.
- They're not.
They're in love with the other!
- Because you.
- You never take time for you.
You're too busy being a heart surgeon.
- And you think no one will appreciate
your very niche business of
illegally making carrier pigeons a thing.
But don't you see there's someone right over there
who loves old ways, who loves paper, who loves pens.
- This is one crazy hospital.
- But you're the administrator.
You're responsible for all of this!
- I'm terrible at my job.
- Why are they clapping?
- Because we see something you don't.
- Put your hand back on his shoulder.
- What?
- Yes, this man,
he loves you too.
- He's not young and white.
- I'm old and Asian.
- But he's beautiful just the way he is.
- And he's in love with you.
- And this isn't my real ass.
This is.
- Wait a minute.
With all this twin switching,
you also were able to match-make
two people who couldn't possibly fall in love.
- Yeah, and you managed to perform
a successful heart surgery.
- I always thought I was in love with your sister,
but maybe.
- This whole time I've been in love with you!
- No, that's not what we're saying.
Wait a minute.
- You are in love with.
- You.
Yes, okay.
- Hold on, I'm gonna get a notepad, I'm getting confused.
- [Jess] Oh I have one.
- I think there's only one thing for the six of us to do,
and that's to get into a big pile.
- Right.
- A pile?
- A scrum of sorts.
♪ One by one. ♪
♪ Lay down our questions. ♪
♪ They can last for a little later. ♪
♪ Let's just take this time ♪
♪ While we have a while ♪
♪ And get into a pile. ♪
♪ Just a pile of people. ♪
♪ Messy, imperfect human beings. ♪
♪ And when you are trying to separate the truth, ♪
♪ A pile is just the thing. ♪
♪ I'll go first because I'm the heaviest. ♪
♪ I don't wanna burden you with my weight. ♪
♪ So I'll go right down on the bottom. ♪
♪ Let's make a pile. ♪
♪ It will be great. ♪
♪ Oh come and come ♪
♪ Into the scrum ♪
♪ Come and come ♪
♪ Into the scrum ♪
♪ Lay down your problems ♪
♪ By lying on someone ♪
♪ And come and come ♪
♪ Into ♪
♪ Everybody, make sure you put your feet in the air ♪
♪ To show you're really doing it. ♪
♪ We're not taking any shortcuts as we make this pile. ♪
♪ Yes, we're doing it ♪
♪ We have arms and legs and feet and toes ♪
♪ And elbows and knees and our eyes ♪
♪ and I know this ♪ ♪ She's really a doctor ♪
♪ Skin and nostrils, eyes and earlobes ♪
♪ To be done ♪
♪ And as we come and come and come ♪
♪ Into the scrum and scrum and scrum ♪
♪ There's one thing, the most important part ♪
♪ That we pile up our heart. ♪
♪ Pile up our heart ♪
♪ Remember there are six of us, ♪
♪ I don't even have to push my air out ♪
♪ If we push out for me, ♪
♪ Whoa. ♪
♪ Now this is crazy. ♪
♪ Oh. ♪
♪ We were just over there. ♪
♪ The rugby team! ♪
♪ But if there's a scrum, we've got to come and join it ♪
♪ Or it's not fair ♪
♪ Come and come into the scrum ♪
♪ There's room for everyone! ♪
♪ In the scrum ♪
- It's one crazy hospital!
- You can say that again!
- Bravo!
Bravissima!
Let's give it up for our amazing cast,
Jess McKenna!
Ashley Ward!
Chris Grace!
And Zach Reino!
And of course our incredible band,
Marnina Schon!
Gary Grantham!
And Zach Marsh!
That's curtains for us here at "Play It By Ear."
Once again, I'm Mano Agapion,
and remember, if you're ever unprepared,
just wing it, bitch!
Buh-bye!
(upbeat music)
♪ Come and come into the scrum ♪
♪ Come into the scrum ♪
(Jess does the Defying Gravity riff)