(orchestra tuning)
(light music)
(audience cheering)
- Good evening, theater nerds.
Welcome to "Play It By Ear," the musical improv show.
I'm your host, Mano Agapion.
Please join me in welcoming today's cast!
We've got Jess McKenna!
Zach Reino!
Oh shit.
Zeke Nicholson.
Wow, that is cool.
And Mary Sohn!
- Whoa!
- What a cool bunch of cool guys.
- We are young and
- [Together] we are cool.
- Flossing is here to stay, I think.
- Dentists are happy about it.
(laughing)
- Hey!
- That's Jessica, everyone.
- Have a goodnight.
- See ya later.
- Thank you, thank you so much.
- I'm just getting word.
We won an Oscar.
- Yes!
- We won an Oscar for that joke.
- Be brave enough, Academy.
Reward the single best joke.
- Hey cowards, be brave enough. (Mano laughs)
- I am so excited,
because today we're going back to the '90s.
With a soundtrack inspired by boy bands,
pop girls, and grunge.
We'll kick it with teens who practically live
at their favorite shopping mall.
It's time for a nostalgia overload in, Mallapalooza.
(everyone laughs)
- Wow!
- Wow.
(light music)
- Ugh.
The stores are about to shut down.
It's the end of the night.
It's my favorite time at the mall, the last five minutes.
(Mano laughs)
- The lights are shimmering off the fountain.
- The gates are half closed
and they don't want you to come in,
but if you are in, they'll let you out.
- And I just bought an album at Sam Goody.
- Oh, what'd you get?
- The Weird Al Food Album.
- Whoa!
- Yeah.
- The Wetzel Pretzels, they put out a garbage bag
and I got 'em and put 'em in my pocket.
So if anyone wants a stale breadstick, let me know.
- Yeah, I'll take a breadstick from Wetzel's Pretzels.
- Yeah!
- Me too!
- Thank you. - Cool.
- Pass 'em down.
I just realized, my mom said I should get
a ride home with your mom.
And if your mom thinks that I'm getting a ride home
with your mom, what if we...
- [Together] Spend the night at the mall!
Together.
Because our moms aren't coming
to the mall!
Where we will sleep.
♪ If this sounds like a good idea ♪
♪ Wave your breadstick in the air ♪
♪ We're not calling Collect to our moms ♪
♪ We won't see their cars anywhere ♪
♪ Some people try to make us go ♪
♪ But we're not going home ♪
♪ No, no, no ♪
♪ Because the party ♪
♪ It hard opens ♪
♪ When the mall is closed ♪
♪ No, no, no ♪
♪ We're not going home ♪
♪ No, no, no ♪
♪ We're not going home ♪
♪ Even though the mall is closed ♪
♪ Uh ♪
♪ And if you look right around ♪
♪ There's things to do everywhere ♪
♪ Uh-Huh ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ First thing, I said first things first ♪
♪ I'm gonna get my ear's pierced at Claire's ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ And after that ♪
♪ I might go ahead ♪
♪ And buy myself a new cellphone ♪
♪ At the kiosk ♪
♪ And after that, guess what Mom ♪
♪ I'm never coming home ♪
♪ No ♪
♪ No, no, no ♪
♪ We're not going home ♪
♪ Both sides ♪
♪ No, no, no ♪
♪ An eyebrow ring ♪
♪ We're not going home ♪
♪ You guys ♪
♪ This might be breaking the law ♪
♪ But I just spent 45 dollars on a claw game ♪
♪ Hey y'all ♪
♪ Throw your breadsticks in the sky ♪
♪ Because we're not going home ♪
♪ No, no, no ♪
♪ We're not going home ♪
♪ No, no, no ♪
♪ We're not going home ♪
- Whoa.
Oh, the claw game is just handing us out small bears.
- Whoa!
Hey, a pajama set for us all
- Whoa!
♪ The mall giveth ♪
♪ It does not take away ♪
♪ Does not take away ♪
♪ And we're gonna love the mall ♪
♪ In the night because we love it in the day ♪
♪ No, no, no, no ♪
(cheering)
- That was cool.
- Mall at night.
- [Mano] Mall at night!
It is so illegal.
- Night at the mall-seum.
- All right, well in this next scene
I want to make sure you include at least one
made-up '90s word.
- Hey, can I be honest? - Yeah.
- I'm so excited we're spending the night
at the mall with Dylan and Tyler.
- I know.
- Because this is the single coolest thing.
We'll probably remember it for our whole lives.
- I know!
- But I'm, also, like a little bit scared.
- I'm a little freaked out too.
I've never had a sleep over with guys.
- I know, and I have crushes on both of them.
- Whoa, me too.
- Oh, cool!
- Except not one of the guys.
Maybe one of the girls.
- Oh.
Whoa!
(laughing)
- Britney, but there's only...
- Vanessa do not read into this.
- No, no.
No. - Do not! Do not!
- I would never!
- Okay, because like, we're very good friends.
- We're very good friends.
I would say our friendship is cronklar.
And I would never do anything to mess up our cronklar vibes.
- No, no. Cronklars forever?
- Cronklars forever.
I guess I also, like, okay.
I also feel like I always have this feeling
like I could have a crush on any person I see.
You know, like sometimes I'm like, whoa,
teen Simba is really hot.
- So hot.
- This janitor that we're gonna pretend doesn't see us
because we're sneaking in the mall,
he's pretty hot. (Mano laughs)
And it's like, I feel like I have a crush
on anyone at anytime.
- You have a crush on anyone at anytime?
- Yeah, I mean that's how I feel sometimes.
But also I feel like, ugh.
♪ Am I really crushing hard ♪
♪ Or am I crushing the idea of crushing ♪
♪ Uh-huh ♪
♪ Do I like a person or the idea of ♪
♪ Liking someone ♪
♪ Do I picture holding hands with Tyler ♪
♪ Or you or teen Simba ♪
♪ Or is it just the idea of holding hands ♪
♪ Is it a real crush ♪
♪ Or a crush of a crush ♪
♪ A crush of a crush ♪
♪ Is it a real crush ♪
♪ Or the crush on a crush ♪
♪ Is it a crush on a crush ♪
♪ Am I just so desperate to hold someone's hand ♪
♪ To finally feel that touch ♪
♪ Is it a real crush ♪
♪ Or am I crushing on a crush ♪
- I know exactly how you feel.
♪ I guess you could call me ♪
♪ Like a Mufasa gal ♪
♪ Okay ♪
♪ And I guess Rafiki does it for me ♪
♪ Right ♪
♪ Or maybe he's just a pal, I don't know ♪
♪ But when I look at you ♪
♪ And I look at our other friends ♪
♪ I think, I don't really care what happens ♪
♪ As long as it doesn't end ♪
♪ Am I feeling radical or ♪
♪ Cronkular to the mush ♪
♪ Is it a real crush ♪
♪ Or are we crushing on a crush ♪
♪ Are we crushing on the thought of having a crush ♪
♪ A crush of a crush of a crush ♪
♪ Or am I overthinking it too much ♪
- Oh!
Oh.
- Is this okay?
- Yeah.
♪ I love that we're in matching Limited Too silk pajamas ♪
♪ Oo ♪
♪ Limited Too ♪
♪ It'll be around forever ♪
♪ Limited Too ♪
♪ Is it a real crush ♪
♪ Or is it limited to you♪
(cheering)
- I was just messing around.
- Wow.
We're gonna get an Oscar for that one, I can feel it.
- If they're not cowards.
- Cowards!
- I want to know, in this next scene,
what's standing in the way of what our heroes want?
- This claw machine really does
just keep dropping out bears.
- It's crazy, man.
What are you gonna do with all these bears, though?
You know what I mean? - I don't know, Dylan.
I won a bear in a claw machine
and I could give it to a girl that I have a crush on.
- [Zeke] Right.
- But if I have a bunch of bears,
what am I gonna give one girl a bunch of bears?
- And here's the thing, do you take the bears with you
when you go to college?
- You're right.
- That's what's in my head right now.
- So I guess the question isn't
do we take the bears to college,
it's how do we take the bears to college?
- That's right.
- I've gotta add in here,
this is about to be a G-rated rap of some kind.
♪ So listen to the problem that we're dealing with there ♪
♪ It's the classic problem of too many bears ♪
♪ I got a bear in the East ♪
♪ I got a bear in the West ♪
♪ I got a bear that's second best ♪
♪ And then a bear that's the best ♪
♪ 'Cause I, man, I am not a fool ♪
♪ I wanna take these bears to my next school ♪
♪ To be clear, a university ♪
♪ Because higher learning, that is right for me ♪
♪ Because bears got to get knowledge ♪
♪ Bears got to go to college ♪
♪ Bears got to get knowledge ♪
♪ Bears got to go to college ♪
♪ Oh, I'm a bear and I've been taking my toll ♪
♪ I'll go to university and I will enroll ♪
♪ That's right, the bear is a student here ♪
♪ He pays tuition year after year ♪
♪ That's right, bears, yeah ♪
♪ They're super fun ♪
♪ And I'm a bear taking bears, yeah, 101 ♪
♪ And after that I'll take 102 ♪
♪ Bears for me, dog, and bears for you ♪
♪ Because bears got to get knowledge ♪
♪ Bears got to go to college ♪
♪ Bears got to get knowledge ♪
♪ Bears got to go to college ♪
♪ Oh, and after that ♪
♪ My bear's gonna have to post grad-u-ack ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ My bear, he gets the PhD ♪
♪ He's the number one bear in the whole city ♪
♪ That's right and then a bear will get a job ♪
♪ Because it doesn't stop there, man, it does not ♪
♪ After that a bear will get married to me ♪
♪ Because life begins at bear conception, see ♪
♪ Because bears got to get knowledge ♪
♪ Bears got to go to college ♪
♪ And then bears become your wife ♪
♪ And you'll be with that bear for the rest of your life ♪
♪ That's right ♪
♪ First bears got to get knowledge ♪
♪ Then bears got to go to college ♪
♪ And after that ♪
♪ That bear becomes your wife ♪
♪ And you'll be with that bear for the rest of your life ♪
- Do you think the boys are having
a conversation just like ours? (Mano laughs)
- Probably.
- About their feelings and their crushes
and all of the things that we're feeling right now
like flooding through our systems.
I bet Dylan and Tyler are having
a really similar conversation to the one that we had.
- Totally!
- Hey!
♪ Imagine it, if you dare ♪
♪ There's so many ways you could dress up a bear ♪
♪ Put a bear in a little hat ♪
♪ Then a bear with a cute cravat ♪
♪ You can give a bear a Peter Pan outfit ♪
♪ He's walking around, you're like the bear is sick, man ♪
♪ I love bears, man ♪
♪ Do you love bears? ♪
♪ Hell yeah, I love bears and they're everywhere ♪
♪ So if I love bears, say you love bears ♪
♪ I love bears, you love bears ♪
- Oh hey.
- Hi. - Hey.
- You know what I've been thinking?
- It would be so cute if a bear went to college.
- I know!
- Yes! - This is crazy!
- That's what I was thinking.
- That would be so cute.
- Man, there's so many fun things happening in this world.
For this next scene, I wanna go somewhere new.
And let's make sure we meet all new characters.
- Uh, Donna?
- Cherise.
- I also have a Carol.
- Carol here.
- And I also have Nance.
- Go for Nance.
- It's the mom's phone line club.
(Mano laughs)
- I thought you said it's the mom's phone wine club.
- Oh, it might as well be.
- You know what I thought you said?
- What'd you thought?
- I thought it was the mom's fun line club.
- Oh wow.
- Mom's fun wine club.
- [Together] Mom's fun wine club.
- Oh, I wish we were all in the same room.
- [Zeke] Me too.
It is so lovely to have an evening without the kids.
- Oh, yes, yes.
- Thank you, one of us for taking them all.
- Yes, thank you.
- I'm gonna put on my headset
so I don't have to hold my phone.
- I'm also gonna put you on speaker.
- I'll also put on my headset.
- I don't care when a song comes.
I just know that when it does,
it better be in the style of a pop diva song
complete with background dancers.
- I woke up this morning, as I do,
at 4:30 in the morning.
- You are so good about getting up early.
- Well...
- Tae Bo queen!
- Billy Blanks, please.
- Billy Blanks, I tell ya what.
- I still have one of your VHS's.
I gotta give it back.
- And how is Tyler Jr. doing?
- Um, he's good, he's getting ready
to go to college in a little bit.
- [Together] Aw!
- Empty nest!
- Really, I feel like I was so uptight in college.
I really hope that our kids let loose
and have a good time.
- Me too.
- Yeah, because I feel like I'm letting loose now.
Does anybody else feel like that?
♪ Uh-Oh ♪
♪ Oh, no, no ♪
♪ I'm going out on a limb ♪
♪ About to confess a little truth to you ♪
♪ And I hope that you join in ♪
♪ Now is that tie-yay-ime ♪
♪ When I am taking it back ♪
♪ And this is my time to finally ♪
♪ Rely-Ax ♪
♪ It's time to rely-ax ♪
♪ No more picking up everyone's slack ♪
♪ It's time ♪
♪ For me to relax ♪
♪ Mm, uh ♪
♪ Uh, uh, uh ♪
♪ I drank this bottle of wine ♪
♪ And I drink it 'til the end ♪
♪ I finish another full bottle ♪
♪ Oops, I did it again ♪
♪ And then I look at this ♪
♪ And I only have one thought to think ♪
♪ When the kids are away ♪
♪ Momma will play ♪
♪ And she'll have too many drinks ♪
♪ Everybody ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Drink some chardy ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Everybody ♪
♪ Drink some chardonnay ♪
♪ Let's relax, all right ♪
♪ Oh, yes take it full throat throttle ♪
♪ Get that chard out like a genie in a bottle ♪
♪ I'm a genie in a bottle, baby ♪
♪ Gotta chard me the right way ♪
♪ I want it chardonnay ♪
- Are you guys dancing in your homes?
- Yeah, my dumb husband is watching me.
- But you know, I learned a lot of really good moves
from watching Billy Blanks Tae Bo.
- Oh yeah, me too.
- Just, let me put my wine down.
- Let me put my wine down.
- Punch to the right.
And punch to the left.
Punch for the others and punch for yourself.
- Now front kick, front kick.
Front kick, front kick.
Front kick, front kick, front kick, front kick.
♪ It's time to rely-ax ♪
♪ Oh, if you're looking for someone who's relaxed ♪
♪ Then, it's gonna be me ♪
♪ It's gonna be me ♪
♪ Meh, eh, eh, eh ♪
♪ Aye, yi, ya ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Time to ♪
- I gotta hang up now.
♪ Bye, bye, bye ♪
♪ Bye, bye♪
- Bye, you guys.
- Bye, bye, bye, bye.
I'm so glad one of us has the kids.
- Wow, that was great.
- Are you mad that some of those were from like 2001?
- [Mano] No.
It might compromise our Oscar nom, but.
- Cowards.
- [Together] Cowards!
- You chicken shits.
- Chicken shit Academy.
(Mary laughs)
- I want this next scene to involve
that mysterious janitor we met earlier.
- Hey, I think I hear the bucket again.
Does anybody else hear the bucket?
- Yeah!
- Look left.
Oh no, Jerry, you did it again.
That's left.
(Mano laughs)
That's right, Jerry.
Oo, you've been breathing too many cleaning fumes.
Look left, look right.
Coast is clear.
Lock the door.
Oh, Jerry! You meant unlock the door.
Okay, look left, look right.
- Oh, he's cute.
He has a whole system.
- Unlock the door.
- I don't know, he seems a little unwell to me.
- Make sure no one sees the secret sanctum.
The mall behind the mall.
- Double mall!
- Whoa!
(humming)
- Come on, let's follow him.
- Wait, wait!
Maybe it's some sort of code.
Look left.
- [Together] Look right.
Oh no, Jerry.
- You idiot.
- You did it again.
- But now I gotta do it the right way.
- [Together] Look right, look left.
Open the door.
Oh no, Jerry!
Lock the door, unlock the door.
- All this talk of doing things in the right order
made me wonder, can this song please incorporate
the Order of Operations?
(Jess laughs)
You know, that math thing.
The Order of Operations.
- Ah, yes, here I am.
The stock room behind the Sharper Image.
(Mano laughs)
Where all the things that are too futuristic
to be sold at the mall when it's open.
They're only for employees.
- Whoa!
♪ Walking through the Sharper Image at night ♪
♪ Is a dangerous vocation ♪
♪ Unless, of course, you know the proper ♪
♪ Order of operations ♪
♪ Some times called PEMDAS ♪
♪ Each letter stands for a thing ♪
♪ And of course the beginning is P ♪
♪ Which is put on your favorite ring ♪
♪ P, put on your favorite ring ♪
♪ That's P ♪
♪ Everyone's invited ♪
♪ That's the E ♪
- Oh.
- Wow.
♪ So, we've put on our favorite ring ♪
♪ And everyone is invited ♪
♪ Now it's time for D ♪
♪ Don't check if someone is following you ♪
♪ Okay, I won't check if someone's following me ♪
- Wait, he skipped the M.
♪ And then of course, what's the M ♪
♪ An M is a mystery ♪
♪ Oo ♪
♪ Why did he reverse them ♪
♪ And because it is so mysterious ♪
♪ It can appear both and before and after D ♪
- Okay, he solved it.
♪ So first put on your favorite ring ♪
♪ Everyone's invited ♪
♪ Mystery ♪
♪ Don't see if anyone is following you ♪
♪ Mystery again, sometimes M is two ♪
♪ Then of course is the letter A ♪
♪ Always, always ♪
♪ If there is a way, that way is wrong ♪
♪ It has to be all the ways ♪
♪ Or you'll get lost all along ♪
♪ Go all the ways, as we go ♪
♪ And of course, S ♪
♪ Go slow ♪
♪ Slow, slow, slow, slow ♪
♪ Slow, slow, slow ♪
♪ Oh no ♪
♪ Hey you broke D ♪
♪ Don't look to see if anyone is following ♪
♪ M, let us stay a mystery always, slow ♪
♪ Give us the keys ♪
♪ Instead of your favorite ring ♪
♪ I've messed up PEMDAS ♪
♪ Silly Gerald, silly me ♪
♪ And of course as the janitor code ♪
♪ I give you my ring ♪
♪ And I give you the key ♪
♪ Yes ♪
♪ Now you all must know that the mall is now ♪
♪ Forever in your care ♪
- No!
(Mano laughs)
♪ Well, if you don't want to stay here ♪
♪ I guess there's another method you could attack ♪
♪ Oo ♪
♪ It's very, very hard ♪
♪ But if you don't want the mall ♪
♪ Then you will have to give me the key and the ring back ♪
♪ That's pretty simple ♪
♪ No one has ever given the key and the ring back before ♪
♪ Maybe we just do that ♪
♪ Let's do that ♪
♪ Because I want to go to college ♪
♪ I don't want to own a mall, I know that ♪
♪ You think that it's all so simple ♪
- Nope, catch me if you can!
- No! - He's so fast!
- Oh no!
- Jerry!
- Wow, he disappeared past those foot massagers
and those early drone cameras,
and those water features.
- And a pen that works in space.
- Dude, you missed it.
You were in the bathroom and this crazy thing happened.
- Yeah, there was just an open door
so I came in and followed.
There was an old man--
- Did you look left then right?
- No. Just came right in.
And then old man bolted past me
faster than an old man should be able to run.
- Yeah, we have bad news.
- He also kept going, "My favorite ring, my favorite ring."
But he was rubbing a finger that had no ring on it.
- Because I have the favorite ring and the key,
which means this mall is in our care
and we can't go to college with any bears.
- You guys, I don't want to be a Jerry!
- Me neither. - Me neither.
- It seems like all we gotta do is catch Jerry,
force that ring back on his old, old hand
and put that key back in his pocket.
- Hold on.
(Zeke tries to open the door)
Oh my god, we can't get out of the mall.
- What?
- We're locked in the inner sanctum,
the backroom of the Sharper Image?
- Hey, y'all, if I know one thing about the Sharper Image
there's gotta be like a million, billion tools in here
that can break us out of the mall,
catch Jerry, bring him to heel.
We would force our dominion upon him
and we force the care of the mall
back into his old, old hand.
- Yeah sure, but how are we gonna do that
when we all have crushes on each other?
- Because technology is afoot,
I would like this next song to incorporate
internet dial-up sounds as much as possible.
(Everyone laughs)
- Look, this is fine, okay?
We can do this.
They call Sharper Image the thieves paradise.
So we have all of the tools.
- It's right there on the sign.
- [Together] Sharper Image, a thieves paradise.
- We have all the tools at our disposal.
Let's stock up.
- But to your point,
do we have the mental tools at our disposal
to deal with the fact
that we all have crushes on each other?
- I'm definitely emotionally advanced enough
to handle being on my own for the first time.
- When I think about trying to go to college,
I'm definitely not like.
♪ Eh, err ♪
♪ Wee, oo, oo ♪
♪ Ugh, ah ♪
- Yeah, when I think about going to college,
I don't think about.
♪ Ee, err, ee, err ♪
You know what I mean?
- Right, and I certainly don't think of.
You've got mail.
Fah poomp, fah poomp.
♪ You've got mail ♪
♪ Mm ♪
♪ You've got mail ♪
♪ Fah poomp, fah poomp ♪
♪ Look for a way out, put that aside ♪
♪ We'll get out of here ♪
♪ We'll throw the doors wide ♪
♪ Just focus on the task at hand ♪
♪ Don't think about ♪
♪ Eh, err, eh, uh, uh, ah, uh ♪
♪ Eh, uh, ah, uh ♪
(trilling)
♪ Find a way out ♪
♪ Find something that works ♪
♪ Yeah, that would be nice ♪
♪ There's gotta be something ♪
♪ That could help us out ♪
♪ In the thieves para-da-ur-oo-ah-ise ♪
♪ If I was in a chat ♪
♪ If I saw you on AIM ♪
♪ Then I might say, GTG ♪
♪ TTYL ♪
♪ My parents, parents over shoulder ♪
♪ POS ♪
- I didn't know that one.
- Ha, ha, oh yeah.
♪ Parents over shoulder ♪
♪ POS ♪
♪ And it doesn't stand for anything else ♪
♪ What's that? ♪
♪ Oh, I was just wondering if ♪
♪ If we could get out with this robe ♪
♪ Or maybe we could use this pen ♪
♪ That is shaped like a globe ♪
♪ Oo ♪
♪ Or maybe this water pick ♪
♪ Will open up the door ♪
♪ Or maybe we will use this wetsuit ♪
♪ So we can surf ashore ♪
♪ Way cool ♪
♪ I just thought of something crazy ♪
♪ But for deliveries ♪
♪ All stock rooms exit to the parking lot ♪
♪ So maybe that's how we get free ♪
♪ Not that door ♪
♪ But that door ♪
♪ It'll help a lot ♪
♪ And we won't be ♪
♪ All tangled with each other ♪
♪ While we're out in the parking lot ♪
(grunting)
(mimicking dial-up tone)
- Whoa, good thinking.
Good thinking, Dylan.
Now we're out here with all this darkness and starlight.
- No, but see, this is great
because like, we're not trapped in the mall.
There's nothing that makes us have to go back there.
- Wait, you mean that insane janitor was wrong?
- Just because someone tells you
you have to do something,
and puts an old key and ring in your hand,
doesn't mean you have to do it.
- Oh.
- Unless it's magic, in which case,
what happens if you try to leave the parking lot?
Do you womp back into the mall?
Womp, womp, womp.
Yeah, you're trapped.
Okay.
- I'm gonna interrupt
because I don't know what's coming next,
but I just wanna make sure this next song
involves some sort of grunge rock.
- I got a bunch of bears.
So like, if that's helpful, let me know.
And I'll use that.
- Yeah, in someways a friendship
is a stronger tether than dark magic.
- Are you saying with this bear, I thee wed?
- Whoa.
- Oh, was that a gross miscalculation?
Oh god!
- That's more of a ring thing than a bear thing,
but no, I'm not ready to get married yet.
- Okay, yeah, me neither.
- No, no, it's okay, it's okay.
None of us were thinking about that.
We weren't thinking about having
just one big wedding for all of us.
- No, you know what'd be so cute though
if like the bears had a big wedding.
- That would be so cute.
- Like, one's a little groom bear
and there's another little groom bear,
and they're two bears and they're getting married.
- Okay, I think I have a good idea.
What if we throw a wedding for the bears
and Jerry's like, that's too cute, I can't miss it.
He comes, because nothing's cuter than a bear wedding.
- Okay, we have a gay bear wedding.
We invite Jerry.
- Yeah.
- No way he's missing the gay bear wedding.
- No one would ever miss it.
- Yeah, it's a bear honey trap.
It's a perfect plan.
- That's right.
(rock music)
This is the perfect plan!
- Yeah!
I'll send out invitations.
Britney, Vanessa, make sure you get good flowers.
Who's handling the catering?
From Wetzel's Pretzels.
♪ Laying a trap for a janitor ♪
♪ The perfect trap we dare ♪
♪ Because who can resist ♪
♪ A gay wedding for a couple of bears ♪
♪ It will be adorable ♪
♪ And everyone will stop ♪
♪ Because if you see a gay bear wedding ♪
♪ Then it's gonna be the top ♪
♪ Okay, okay ♪
♪ It's a gay bear wedding ♪
♪ Okay, okay ♪
♪ It's a gay bear wedding ♪
♪ And none of it will be ironic ♪
♪ No ♪
♪ And all of it will be iconic ♪
♪ Yes ♪
♪ There won't be a single drop of rain ♪
♪ On your wedding day ♪
♪ No ♪
♪ And everyone will gather ♪
♪ And it's like we're in Seattle ♪
♪ Because this is the hottest town around ♪
♪ There's nothing that could be cuter ♪
♪ Than what we found ♪
♪ They've got matching tuxedos ♪
♪ Matching little boots on their paws ♪
♪ Cute ♪
♪ And everyone is looking around ♪
♪ Obviously because ♪
♪ Okay, okay ♪
♪ It's a gay bear wedding ♪
♪ Okay, okay ♪
♪ It's a gay bear wedding ♪
♪ Knock, knock Mr. Janitor ♪
♪ I've got an invitation for you ♪
♪ Who's there ♪
♪ It's the wedding of a century and ♪
♪ Me and you ♪
♪ I would like to go to a wedding ♪
♪ What will it be like there ♪
♪ It's a gay old wedding ♪
♪ But between two teddy bears ♪
♪ Okay, okay ♪
♪ It's a gay bear wedding ♪
♪ Okay, okay ♪
♪ Hooray ♪
♪ Okay ♪
♪ It's a gay bear wedding ♪
♪ Here we are now ♪
♪ At the wedding ♪
♪ And I've got one hand in my pocket ♪
♪ And the other one ♪
♪ Is giving a ring to a bear ♪
♪ To a bear ♪
♪ There's a bear groom and a bear groom ♪
♪ And they are here ♪
♪ For a wedding ♪
♪ For the gay bear and another ♪
♪ Not related ♪
♪ They not brothers ♪
♪ Here we are now ♪
♪ At a gay bear ♪
♪ Wedding ♪
♪ Here we are now ♪
♪ At a gay bear wedding♪
- If anyone has a reason that these two gay bears
should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
- Jerry?
- Hm?
No, I love it.
I love it.
- We thought maybe since you worked so hard
to keep them all in good order,
that you should get the two gay bears
from the gay bear wedding.
- I've wanted to leave this mall for a long time,
but mostly because I never won anything
from the claw machine.
I always wanted to have a friend with me all the time.
But people age.
I'm hundreds of years old.
- Jerry-
- Everyone I know has turned to dust.
- Jerry, boy, I bet we could learn a lot from you.
But we also should probably get home
because eventually our moms are gonna figure out
that we've been at a mall.
- You have bright lives ahead of you.
- Yeah, college maybe.
- It was rude of me to assume that you would
want to be trapped by a dark, magical curse
and run a mall just because you were having
so much fun there.
- And then Jerry, maybe it's rude of us
that I just tricked you into taking those rings back
because they're on those bears.
- Oh, ha, ha!
They are each wearing one of the rings.
- Yeah, it's their wedding rings.
- I mean, you can call it a trick,
but I'm on board.
- All right, yeah!
- Yeah! - Yeah!
- Will you help me do one thing before you go?
- Sure.
- Can we take these bears up to the top
of the parking garage and hold them over the edge
as the sun sets?
- Sure, Jerry.
- Introducing their union to the world.
- Sure, but you promise this is not more dark magic?
- Yeah Jerry, can you just keep holding them?
We'll just go with you.
- I'll hold them, you come with me.
- Okay, because the setup is a little scary.
- The view from up here really is pretty magical.
- Yeah. - It is.
I'm gonna miss this town next year
when we're all in different places in the country.
- Yeah.
- I'm at Michigan State.
- I'm at University of Michigan.
- I'm Miami University of Ohio.
(Mano laughs)
- I'm at Ohio Michigan University.
- Wow.
♪ What if this night is a classic one ♪
♪ That we think of forever and ever ♪
♪ Even if our paths take us away ♪
♪ And it's not often we're together ♪
♪ Because what is being in a mall ♪
♪ But having infinite possibilities ♪
♪ But what is a mall a but a tiny town ♪
♪ Inside your bigger city ♪
♪ This could be ♪
♪ The cronk of our lives ♪
♪ And this could be ♪
♪ The cronk of our lives ♪
♪ We could have it all♪
- And you know what?
We did have it all.
That's a night I never forgot,
even as I went off to college.
With my three bears.
- I took seven bears and I went off to college too.
And I graduated with a degree in ursine pediatry.
I work on bear feet all day and all night.
And everything I do is just bears.
Inside and outside.
- I actually never made it to University of Michigan.
But I took those bears and put them in a four-way kiss
to memorialize the night
that we spent the night at the mall.
- And tragically, my car was so overfilled with bears
that I got in a car accident on the way to college.
But you know what?
It didn't fuckin' matter,
because the Academy gave us an Oscar for this.
- Oh my god, thank you so much.
We would like to thank the Academy.
And if you're listening out there, back there,
Jerry in the mall, none of this would
have been possible without you.
We love you.
We hope you're still up on that roof.
- This is for you, Jerry.
- This is for you.
- You're actually the cronkest of all.
- Thank you, Jerry. Thank you, Jerry.
- Thank you so much.
- Wow.
♪ We could have it all ♪
♪ All the gay bears ♪
♪ We could have it all ♪
♪ Oh all the gay bears ♪
♪ We could have it all ♪
♪ Could have it all ♪
♪ Your life's at a mall ♪
♪ Your life's a mall ♪
♪ Yes, our life's like a mall ♪
♪ If our lives are ♪
♪ If our lives like the mall ♪
- Wow smells like teen spirit.
(Mano laughs)
- Bravo! Bravissima!
That's representation, fuckers.
(Everyone laughs)
Let's give it up one more time
for our incredible performers!
Zeke Nicholson!
Mary Sohn!
Zach Reino!
- [Mary] Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- And Jess McKenna!
- [Mary] Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- And of course, our incredible band.
Brett Morris, Eric Jackowitz,
and Aaron Wilson!
That's curtains for us here at "Play It By Ear."
Once again, I'm Mano Agapion.
And remember, if you're ever unprepared,
just wing it, bitch!
Bye-bye!
(upbeat music)
- Gay Bear Wedding was filmed in front
of a live, but quiet studio audience.
- Oh my god, that was.
- That was good.
- Great job.
- What a fun act.
Woo.
(upbeat music)