- Tonight, a cool guy
walking away from an explosion,
but when it goes off, he flinches a little bit.
It's Brennan Lee Mulligan!
A ghost, adjusting things around the house
just to freak you out.
It's Jess McKenna!
And someone confused where their entrance
is supposed to be.
It's Andy Bustillos!
They're all here to...
- Make some noise!
- Welcome to "Make Some Noise!"
The game so good we spun it off unchanged.
I am your host, Sam Reich,
and here's how the show works.
I have a series of improvisational prompts
our players have never seen before.
Isn't that right, players?
- Never seen it.
- I know I've said it a lot,
but I won't know if I haven't seen them before,
until I see them
the first time. - That's true.
- That's a great point.
- They will to the best of their ability
fulfill those prompts.
I will award them corresponding points
and the winner will go home with
the coveted Golden Ear,
which is only slightly less prestigious than a Golden Globe
and slightly more prestigious than a Webby award.
Players, are you ready to rumble?
- Yeah!
- Woo! - Yeah!
- Brennan.
- Yeah?
- How every yo-yo-er fantasizes the world
will one day depend on their skillset.
- Gentlemen, I assume you're wondering
why I've called you all here.
The casino is the Andalusian.
The vault underneath it has more than $40 million dollars
on hand at any given night.
On this Fight Night in particular,
a score of $120 million dollars.
I've invited you here because
you're all the best in your field.
Demolitions, sleight of hand, a face man, driver,
and my nephew TJ.
Now Carmine Berrata, the CEO of this casino
and a man who cannot resist going around the world
or seeing a dog walked.
TJ, this is where you come in.
- All right, I'm gonna cut you off there.
- Oh my gosh.
- Jesus, that boy.
- An "Ocean's Eleven" amount of points for, no,
you know what?
Make that "Ocean's Twelve."
- Wow, the Night Fox.
- Jess.
- We got a bunch of these?
- Yeah, we got a bunch of these.
- Oh, okay, cool.
- A pre-show theater announcement
where they might be taking the audience hostage.
- Good evening, everyone.
And thank you so much
for joining us tonight at the Pantages.
This is a reminder to turn off all cell phones.
Go ahead and turn off that location services.
You know what?
Aside from just putting it on mute,
go ahead and turn it right off,
pass it down to your neighbor.
Pass it down, pass it down, pass it down,
and put them in the small lockboxes at the end of every row.
This is a great time to sneeze
and unwrap any cellophane candy.
Now, if there are any zip ties at your feet,
go ahead and put them around your own wrists.
- 76 trombones' worth of points for Jess.
- Hey!
- Andy.
- Yes.
- Welcome to the show my friend.
- Thank you.
- The "Down With the Sickness"
"ooh wa ah ah ah" guy's alts.
- You guys happy with ooh wa ah ah ah?
Yep, okay?
I'll throw out a couple other ones.
Let me fix my piercing.
Okay, what about a "wow-wow-WOW!"?
Could be good.
Could be fun at the end of a song.
You know, you think the song's done and wowow!
How about a little...
It's just a thick inhale.
Get the crowd pumped!
A little.
How about a hooketta, hooketta, hooketta, hooketta?
My wife!
- I'll cut you off with a Borat impression, Andy.
- Could be fun.
Could be fun. Could be fun.
- A amount of points for you Andy
Brennan. - Yeah huh?
- The last will and testament
of the founder of Spencer's Gifts.
- Gathered herein are the final wishes of the departed,
Sir Reginald Thornwallow Spencer.
To his beloved widow Martha does he bequeath
a big old red heart pillow
with a weird looking puppy on the outside.
And it's got a little zipper
with a compartment for chocolate,
and if you open that, it's that weird crinkly plastic,
and it's only got two chocolates in there.
To his former wife
Bethesda Maryland Thornwallow Spencer
does he bequeath one of those little skateboards
with a key chain on it.
To his eldest son,
Mathias Quimsby Thornwallow Spencer
does he bequeath a drum of kettle corn with
a badly stenciled picture of Santa Claus on the outside.
- I will cut you off there, Brennan.
Exactly $2.99 worth of points for you.
- Wow, that's a deal.
- That's a deal. - That's a good deal.
- Jess. - Sam.
- If the Harry Potter sorting hat were a mean girl.
- Is your head...
No, no, no, I don't wanna say this.
Big?
No, no, no, it's just that normally for first year
I like slop all the way down past the ears
and you're like wearing me.
You know?
Like you're wearing me like a proper,
full adult would wear me,
not like a small 11 year old.
So like, growth spurt?
Is that why your pants are high?
No, no, no, sorry, I'm just asking.
Like I just wanna get to know you 'cause that's my job.
I just wanna get to know you.
Obviously you're a Hufflepuff
and I'm a bitch.
- I would like to see the intersection of
"Harry Potter" and "Euphoria" in the worst way.
Andy.
- Yes.
- An ad for Taco Bell's new Laxative Supreme.
- Is your butt too hard?
You want soft butt?
You come down to Taco Bell
at the corner of any fucking street that you see,
and you go in there, you get a Laxative Supreme!
You know what it does?
It loosens your insides, all right?
You've never gone to the bathroom like this.
You want a fountain drink?
There's already a fountain drink.
It's in your ass.
Taco Bell, eat nasty.
- Damn!
- Eat Nasty!
- Brennan. - Uh huh?
- A genie's other stipulations.
- You've rubbed my lamp, and now wishes three
are yours, and yours alone to make.
Perhaps if you were clever enough
to find me in the Cave of Wonders, you know already,
I cannot make anyone fall in love,
nor can I bring any back for the dead,
nor may you wish for more wishes.
Those are the main three.
Every genie also has some that
they sort of throw on the end there.
I wanna be clear.
Those first three, those are hard rules.
And then these ones are sort of,
I guess taste, it's preference, right?
So I would say number one,
if you are thinking about becoming royalty,
you can wish to become royalty,
but then it's just one more royal
and everyone else is still poor.
You could absolutely wish for like
a different economic system, ground up, right?
I would say number two,
if you're going to wish for a magical ring
that gives you the powers of a great sorcerer,
just wish for the powers.
Some guy was like, "Give me a ring that gives me-"
And I was like, "Okay, you've just made this
unnecessarily worse and harder for you."
To track this ring down.
Number three, I don't like animals.
- That'll do it.
Comedy comes in threes.
Yes a heaping amount of gold for you, Brennan.
- Wow!
- Wow.
- Jess.
The cut "Plunger's Song" from "Beauty and the Beast."
- Wow Jess, what a magic trick
- What the fuck are we doing here?
- How the hell did you do that?
- What the fuck are we doing here?
- I'm screaming about shitting myself.
- Well I was just rhyming about shitting yourself.
- I know, but still.
Beautiful, elevate shit.
It was great. - Thank you.
- A Magic Kingdom amount of points for you.
Andy. - Oh no.
- The more tools a surgeon asks for,
the clearer it is they're winging it.
- A scalpel, please.
Thank you.
All right, and a smaller scalpel.
This one's a little...
Thank you, I got small hands.
All right, we're just gonna, we're gonna cut down here.
Okay, and we're gonna, okay, and can I get a sponge?
A blood sponge?
Whatever, a paper towel.
Thank you!
All right, we're gonna soak it up.
It's important to soak it up, okay.
And then now, everyone look in here, okay,
this is the stomach, all right, see?
So it's like, right, ever seen one of these?
Hello?
Don't tell anyone I did that.
Yeah, okay, so this person has passed.
- I'll cut you off.
- Could be fun. - Could be fun.
- Think about it, could be fun.
- A malpractice amount of points for you.
- Yes!
- That brings us to the mini game.
Players, this is a mini game we like to call
Name That Cat.
It's pretty straightforward.
I'm gonna show you a picture of a cat.
You tell me what you think that cat's name could be.
I will be awarding points for the name I like the most.
Cat number one.
Brennan.
- Alistair Wallace, Lord of the Isle.
- Oh my God.
- He is a redhead.
I'm buying it.
Jess.
- Rutherford P. Haynes.
- Just the tiniest little bit.
- Andy.
- Mega Beard.
- Mega Beard is good.
In this case I think I'm gonna go for Rutherford B. Haynes.
Way to go, Jess.
- Uniqlo.
- Uniqlo, yes, very good!
I like that lot.
Jess.
- Charles, Actually.
- That is such a good name for like
a kid's show about a cat professor.
"Hi, I'm Dr. Charles Actually!"
- "Actually Charles, my dog ate my homework."
- Brennan.
- Viper.
- That's pretty funny.
Going for irony, Brennan.
I'm gonna give it to you.
Viper gets the points.
- Viper is good.
- Yeah, didn't see it coming.
- Next cat.
Andy.
- Soft and Blue.
- Was that a- - I panicked!
- Was that a French accent you were giving me there?
- Softan Bleu.
- Soft and Blue. - Soft Anbleu.
- Soft.
- Just to soft on blue.
- Soft and Blue.
- Jess.
- Raindrop.
Raindrop.
- Raindrop.
Brennan.
- This is Mystericat, but that's not the cat's name.
The cat's actual name is Dave.
- Raindrop. - Meyers.
- Got 'im.
Got 'im.
- I'm outta here, I'm taking my buzzer.
Good night, folks.
- No, I just feel like we're both right, you know?
I was giving the Bruce Wayne answer
and you were giving the Batman answer.
- Sure, sure, sure, sure.
- That point's gonna go to Brennan I believe.
Although maybe half a point for Jess for that interruption.
Next cat.
Brennan.
- Jeff Bezos.
- Andy.
- Men's Wearhouse for Cats.
- That's a long name for a cat.
- But I'll take it. - You're gonna like
the way you look.
- Yeah.
- Jess.
- Danny DeMeowito.
- Jesus Christ.
- Yeah, I hadn't put a single mew in a name yet,
It was bothering me, personally.
- You're like, "This next one's Danny DeMeowito.
I don't care what shows up on that screen."
This one goes to Brennan.
And last cat.
Brennan.
- Meownardo DiCaprio.
- Jess.
- Stockard Channing.
- Just a full on human being.
Andy.
- Night at the Museum Salon.
- Huh.
- Could be good.
- Night at the Meowseum.
- That's better!
- That one goes to Brennan, sorry.
That brings us to round two,
where our players must now test their talents
in teams of two.
Brennan and Jess.
The activities team for a cruise
that's just sailed into the River Styx.
- Kyle and I have, honestly, such a fun list
of activities and you're welcome to sign up,
with any of the clipboards you're gonna find in the lobby.
- Remember, the commemorative Hookah Hookah Ice Sculpture
Contest Luau on deck five has been canceled,
because deck five is
gone! - Gone, okay.
If you want, you can sign up for napkin folding,
I think right now we're gonna do a three-headed dog.
That's cute, we're leaning into it.
We're all dying and dead, but why not party?
- Now we got a lot of suggestions saying,
"I don't know who I am.
I fell into the water and all of my memories are gone."
- That's right, and we've got a long wait list for
"Do I put these coins on my eyes or in my pockets?"
- Charon the boat man doesn't care!
He will grimly gaze at you
as you get on that last ferry ride to the underworld.
- But here's what Kyle and I want you to remember.
No matter what we say up here,
ultimately, this is your death!
- And cut.
Oh my God, so many River Styx references
packed into such a short period of time.
Let's say three points,
one for each head of Cerberus.
- Ooh. - I caught that, Jess.
Jess and Andy.
"The Exorcist," but they hired a magician
instead of a priest.
- Thank you so much, you've called the right person.
I understand that this can seem terrifying,
but what you might find is ultimately an illusion.
Now I want you to think of a number, one to 666.
Okay, go for it.
I have the number.
Is it 666?
All right, now how did I do that?
Was it magic, or was it an illusion?
Now my face might be burning,
but is it really on fire
if I can still produce two doves?
- And cut.
I wanna hire these two for my six-year-old's birthday party.
666 points for the two of you.
- That's what I wanted.
- Andy and Brennan.
Two sperm trying to stay casual about
competing for the egg.
- Oh no, look who's here.
- Oh man, oh this is crazy.
You've dreamed about, you know, being the guy.
- Gettin' in the egg?
Yeah I have dreams about it every day and night.
- Yeah, for sure, for sure.
- But you know what, it's not even a big deal.
- Yeah, oh, you know what's interesting?
I actually was thinking,
I actually checked out some of my chromosomes.
You know the body we came from had this short side-
Oh well, hey, one second.
- I'm just checking.
I thought I saw a little dust.
I wanted to clean it.
- No absolutely.
Like, I don't have that gene, so like,
the kid won't actually have to worry
about being nearsighted.
- Adversity makes a child strong.
So what if I just do a leg?
He takes a little. What if I do the bottom?
- First of all, it has to be the head that goes in first,
'cause that's how we work.
Oh my God, wait a minute!
There's another egg over there!
Twins!
- Nah!
- Cut.
That's where competition comes from.
Let's say 206 points,
which is the amount of bones in the human body.
- That's true.
- Brennan and Jess.
Feel free to digest this one.
- Okay, wow.
- I'm gonna understand it fully and completely
the moment it's on the board.
- Yeah, same.
- A scene from David Mamet's workplace drama
"Build a Bear-y Glenn Ross."
- There's not anything more we can do.
We're out of unicorns.
We're outta, every single kid wants a fucking unicorn,
and I can't make more unicorns.
I tried to put out a narwhal
and I said it's a fuckin' real unicorn
and they don't even care!
What am I supposed to do, boss?
I can't close on that.
I can't close on narwhals if corporate's not
giving us any unicorns!
- You can't close?
- I can't close on the narwhal!
- You can't close on the-
- I can't close on the narwhal.
- These kids have been dreaming about a bear
for days, weeks, months, and you can't close?
That's on you!
- Boss, you think these kids wanna
build fuckin' bears at this point?
They haven't wanted to build a fuckin'
traditional bear since 2008.
If you don't give me more unicorns from corporate,
I can't move a single goddamn thing.
- You like this watch?
- Ah, come on, boss.
Yeah, I like that watch, boss.
- Kid comes into this place and says,
"Hey, I'm not walkin' outta here
with anything other than a Pegasus."
If you can't talk that kid into walkin' outta here
with a goddamned bear that that fuckin' kid built
with his own hands, then you are no salesman.
- You're telling me I gotta sell this
traditional goddamn bear to get that watch?
A standard little brown-haired auburn bear
with a sweet little button face and that tiny heart
we make 'em put in with the stuffing?
You want me to sell that bear to get that watch,
then goddamn it, I'm gonna bring back the Teddy
like I'm fuckin' Roosevelt.
- That's what I'm talking about!
Jesus Christ, the two of you.
- We both got it, Sam, we both got it.
- You both got it fuckin' immediately.
- I got chills.
- A "coffee is for closers" amount of points
for the two of you.
Jess and Andy,
Good Cop/Rad Cop.
- Hey, you know what?
Let me get you a glass of water.
Let me get you a granola bar.
We're gonna make sure you get a phone call
with your lawyer, all right?
- Yeah, don't even worry, all right?
Here, I rolled a fat J. All right?
I want you to pop that right in that little mouth hole.
Okay, I want you to light it up, right?
Here's the lighter. - Hey, Curtis.
- When you turn it around. - Curtis.
- The bikini top comes off.
It's fun! It's fun - Curtis! Curtis.
- Curtis, we talked about not lighting the J.
- Not even a fat J?
- No, the commish is right on the other side.
- Yeah, but you can't smell fuckin' Js through a glass.
- You know what?
I'm sorry, forgive my partner.
He's a bit of a rad one.
- I wear a leather jacket normally.
They tell me I'm not supposed to,
but I wear one when I go cop.
- I'm not like that, you know, I'm reasonable.
I'm here to just get your side of the story
one piece at a time.
Isn't that right, Curtis?
That's what we're here to do.
- Yeah, one piece.
- Okay.
- Hold it, hold it.
Come on, now tell us what you did, come on.
- You know what?
He's such a wild card.
He's such a loose cannon.
- I got wheels on the bottom of my shoes.
- And cut.
The two things that say weed and Wheelies.
- Yes.
- I'm so sorry, Sam.
They are called Heelies.
- Heelies, weed and Heelies.
- Oh, I am so terribly sorry. - I am so sorry.
- Showing your age there, man.
- Andy and Brennan.
A billionaire CEO
and his little pissboy translator.
- Look, shareholders.
- You open your eyes.
- Okay.
In the past at these shareholder meetings,
it's been necessary for us to translate
because we have international partners
from all over the world that have seen fit
to come and join us.
And I know what you're thinking,
the quarter's been rocky.
Now Crange, who is my-
- Crange, here's my card, take my card
Crange, Crange, if you need a translator.
- It was my understanding that Crange
spoke over 40 languages fluently.
- Say a language.
I'll tell you if I speak it.
- It's been a rocky quarter across the sector.
- Everyone's poor now!
You're all poor!
- Nope, that's not true.
Don't tell that to the shareholders.
Now, if you'll all take the jars of piss
you have in front of you.
- Hey, now's my time to shine.
And everyone just pour it in my mouth.
There, here we go.
- I promise this is going to help.
- And cut.
What sort of Twin Peaks nightmare
did we stumble into with that one?
Yeah, a billion points for the two of you.
- Yes! - Yes!
- That brings us to round three
where our players will now hold hands
and jump into the abyss together.
Brennan. - Huh?
- Jess. - Yes.
- Andy. - Wa ah-ah-ah.
- The Evolution of Man diagram.
- Okay, okay.
No, no, no, just.
- I'm happy to be the front or the back.
- No, no, it's just, I feel like you both
knew exactly that you were like the beginning and end,
and like the middle's obviously the hardest part.
You know the middle's like-
- Sorry, wait, why is the middle the hardest?
- It's kinda like, you just.
- Are you serious?
- 'Cause he's gotta stretch himself out.
- Are you serious right now?
You don't think the middle's the hardest?
You're fully evolved.
You have tools and full grasp of your hands.
You've come down from the trees.
Your hair has receded slightly.
And you are totally primal.
I am caught in the morphous goo
of not knowing what I'm becoming
but knowing what I left behind.
Like there's no position more existential than the middle.
- I'll take the middle.
- No, I like it now.
Now I like it.
- Well now we feel like shit 'cause you're-
Yeah it worked, big ol' guilt trip.
Now I feel like absolute shit.
- No, 'cause now I see how complicated and nuanced it is.
- Why do we constantly have to work with you?
- I just wanted there to be a heated discussion,
but I now I see that it's actually really good.
- Oh my God.
- Why are we diagramming evolution?
Why can't we be a trilobite, a caveman,
and middle?
Why can't we be-
- You heard it.
- No, that did make it seem like middle is hard.
- I'll cut you off there.
This was incredible.
Thousands of years of evolutions' worth of points
for the three of you.
Next up, Brennan.
- Mm-hmm. - Jess.
- Mm-hmm. - Andy.
- I saw that coming.
- Christmas elves strike chants.
- Hey hey, ho, ho, we will not be paid in snow
- Hey hey, ho, ho, we will not be paid in snow.
- All right guys, I've come here from the union reps.
We got some good news. - Aw, great.
- And what we're hearing right now is that
we will be able to get either Saturday
or Sunday off. - That'll be huge.
- Okay, that'll be great.
- Provided we work the entire day making toys.
- Okay, well that's what we do.
- More importantly though-
- But Crisper.
- Uh-huh?
- Where are we on the snow payment?
- Okay, because I tried to deposit snow in the bank
and they laughed at me.
- I tried to put it away for a rainy day
and it turned into rain!
- Hold up, what the fuck?
A bus full of gnomes?
- No scabs, no scabs, no scabs!
- Oh man, I wanna see this workplace comedy now.
December 25th amount of points for the three of you.
- That's actually our day off.
- That brings us to the end of our game.
Our winner tonight...
Jess McKenna!
- No way. - Jess, you are the
recipient of the Golden Ear.
That does it for us here at "Make Some Noise."
Tune in next time for more of the game samer.
I am Sam Reich and that sounds pretty good to me.
Good night.