- Tonight, making his way to his seat
in a full movie theater, it's Zac Oyama.
- Excuse me.
Oh, sorry.
- Fleeing from a swarm of wasps, it's Jacob Wysocki.
- Stop, stop it!
Stop, bad wasps!
- And opening up the door to a surprise party,
it's Kimia Behpoornia.
- Yeah, so I'm just waiting for the doctor to call, Mom.
- Surprise! - Surprise!
- This is a lot to take in for today.
- They're all here to...
- Make some noise!
- Welcome to "Make Some Noise,"
the game so good we spun it off unchanged.
I am your host Sam Reich, and here's how the show works.
I have a series of improvisational prompts
our players have never seen before,
isn't that right, players?
- I mean, I've never seen it.
- I got no eyes.
- I have eyes, but I haven't seen them.
- They will, to the best of their ability,
fulfill those prompts.
I will award them corresponding points
and the winner will take home the coveted Golden Ear.
- Fuck! - Which, when it turns 16
can get a piercing if Mom says it's okay to.
Players, are you ready to rumble?
- I'm ready to kick ass, dude. - Let's go!
- Zac!
- Hi.
- A clown-phobic clown puts on clown makeup.
- Oh, fuck, oh fuck!
Put it on. Just put it on for the gig, you know?
Let's do the white base.
It's chalky, it's chalky.
You sick fuck!
Anything for $40!
The nose on.
- I'll cut you off there, Zac.
Just so I'm clear, $40?
- Yeah. - Yeah, Zac.
Let's say two and 1/2 points for you.
- Okay.
- Jake. - Thank for having me.
- A pencil sharpener that gets off on being fed pencils.
- Oh, he's coming.
Oh, he's coming. Oh yeah.
Go slow, babe.
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Hope that was as good for you as it was for me.
You wanna stick it in the back?
Yeah, I'll eat your eraser.
- Very well done. I love it.
We'll say a point for you.
Kimia. - What's up?
- Someone called upon to say grace
who doesn't know how to say grace.
- Um, oh...
Of course I'll do it.
Thank you to our Lord for..
the food.
And bless...
Everyone's still holding hands.
Um...
Our, uh, Lord who lives above and bless.
This one won't let go. Okay.
I pray my soul the Lord to keep for I am just but a sheep
and now we go and now it rhymes and so I think food is time.
Oh, thank God.
- Yes, the universal rule of saying grace,
until you are rhyme you are unable to eat.
- There's a way to make it fun.
If you give me five minutes, I can make that fun.
- I'm just imagining I opened my door to you
and that's the first thing you told me.
Yes, Kimia, we'll say one point for you as well.
- Nice.
- The scores early on in the game are neck and neck.
Zac Oyama. - Mm-hmm.
- The sign-off credits of a podcast
with too much staff.
- And this has been another episode
of "The Pencils in Derringer's File."
Support for this podcast was made possible
by our amazing staff: our head editor David Chumlee,
assistant editor Tina Chumlee,
second second assistant editor Peter Chumlee,
first AD David Chumlee.
Craft services provided by the Chumlee Farms.
Our amazing makeup team,
not usually necessary for podcasts,
but we just wanna feel good about ourselves,
and that would be the Chumlee twins.
Looks like we are almost out of time,
but I'm gonna go off and say,
just a special thanks to Rebecca,
David, Peter, Gina, Stacy, Stacy's mom.
These of course, are all the Chumlees.
- I'll cut you off there, Zac.
Wow, what a family business. - Mm-hmm.
- We'll say three points for Zac.
- Yes!
- Jacob. - Again, thanks for having me.
- A surfer, using a bunch of surfing lingo,
recollects his gnarliest ride.
- Honestly, it was the most harrowing day
of my life, all right?
I got up, I smacked down two El BJ
special C bean and cheese burritos
'cause you wanna get those carbos in, all right?
And then I was floating out to the gully.
Everything was looking flat, smacked, and glossy.
Then outta nowhere a big set starts to ramp up
and I'm like, "Is that gonna be a 30-minute set?
Is it gonna be a 40-minute set?"
Then all of a sudden a pod of porpoises, they come through,
and they're saying, "What's good, my dude?"
And I'm like, "Absolutely nothing.
I'm trying to crank, rustle and trying to flip stacks."
Then all of a sudden this big bongo baby
comes crashing in and I'm sinking in
and it's barrelling and it's crushing and it's foaming
and I'm stuck in the beam!
Then all of a sudden the porpoises they're like, "Come on!"
They give me a little extra push through the tube.
The tube squashes, I'm out.
I go back to the shore, finish my second bean and chee
from El BJ's, and I'm cruising life feeling like a gremlin.
- Nothing says surfing like a big bongo baby.
Wow, Jake. Way to bring it.
We're gonna say two whole points for you
bringing you into the lead at this particular moment.
- Fuck!
- You know who I'm playing for.
- Kimia. - Yeah.
- A gym coach substitute teaches
art class.
- Uh, how's it going, everybody? Uh,
Ms. Pataki couldn't be here today,
and I guess no one was else was available
so I'm here, Coach P.
All right everyone, so take out your art books, I guess.
What the fuck do you guys do here?
All right, so everyone take out a piece a paper and doodle.
I'm sorry. All right, yeah.
I'm sure you guys are creative and stuff
and your parents are proud.
All right, oh man.
Um, don't cry. I'm sorry.
One of you's crying. You guys are a bunch of weenies, okay.
Just watch this movie and I'm gonna sit over there.
- Also doing a convincing portrayal
of my dad discussing my career.
- Okay, yeah. - Oh, oh.
- So well done. Very well done to you.
I will say one and 9/10 points for that.
- Hm, watch out. - The scores are pretty tight.
Zac. - Yes.
- A dying person's last words,
but they realize they have a little bit more life in them
so they have to vamp.
- I just want you to know...
that whatever you make of your life is worth it.
And also...
For me, I never really got into jazz?
And what, I don't, I'm not a hard shell taco guy.
- And I'll cut you off there, Zac.
Words to live by.
A skip-boppity-boop amount of points for you.
Jake, you still happy to be here?
- So far my opinion on being here hasn't changed.
- A monster truck voiceover for a peaceful Sunday.
- Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!
You wanna relax? Well guess what, it's possible!
Strap in, tighten down, and chill out.
We've got a Xanax-level vibe
for you today, ladies and gentlemen.
We're gonna go to the park, but before you go to the park,
you're gonna grill, chill, and bill your therapist
'cause we're talking about our heart,
we're talking about our past relationships.
We're learning a little bit ourselves.
Hey, and we're not gonna give in to capitalism this Sunday.
You don't need to work. You need to chill!
Sunday, it's the Lord's day.
- Oh man, bringing you firmly into the lead. Holy shit.
Kimia. - Mm-hmm.
- A clickbait newsie.
- All right, all right, what do we got?
Let's look at what we got going on here.
A-ha-ha-ha the 10 hottest bikinis you've seen.
All right, okay.
That's pretty good. That's pretty good.
Okay, let's see, let's see. What do we got?
You won't believe what George Lopez looks like now!
Okay!
And what do we got in the opinion section?
We got three places to eat with your parents.
Wow, we love that!
We can green light all of this.
Make it! Poof, poof.
- Poof, poof!
- That's right! Yes, excellent, Kimia.
All sorts of points for you.
It's time for the mini game.
The mini game is a tossup.
You will notice the buzzers now in front of our players.
The game we're playing today is Name That Dog.
I am going to present you with an imagine of a dog.
You go ahead and name that dog for me, make sense?
- Mm-hmm. - Your first dog.
Zac.
- Ricky.
- Ricky's a pretty good name for that dog.
I'm not gonna lie. - Thank you.
- Is the name of that dog? - No, that's my buzzer sound.
- Got it. - Yeah.
- What's the name of that dog?
- Zac Oyama.
- I really like Zac Oyama for this.
- There's so much character in his eyes.
- You know, it's just, you know,
I think there's a complement inherent in it,
but I'm also like, I think it's uh,
I wanna be right, so...
- I'm gonna say that point goes to Jake.
- Yeah. - Shit!
- Next dog.
Kimia.
- Biscuit?
- Biscuit's pretty funny for that particular dog.
Jake.
- A police officer.
- That is really good, Jake.
Zac.
- Chuck Liddell.
- One more time.
- Chuck Liddell, an MMA fighter.
This dog is all..
- Yeah, that's pretty good too, Zac.
I'm gonna say that this one, once again, goes to Jake.
Next dog.
Zac.
- Shart. - Shart?
- A bit of a oopsie nature to him.
- Yeah, pretty good name for that dog.
Kimia.
- I don't mean to do this,
but I do think that dog's name is Shart.
- Listen, when you're right, you're right, right?
Jake.
- I gotta back my boy up. That's Shart as hell.
That's Shart there, truly.
That dog is Shart.
- Shart and so this point goes to Zac. Congratulations, Zac.
- Thank you and thank you. - For sure, for sure.
- Next dog.
Jake.
- I'll be devastated in seven years.
- That's dark as hell!
- That dog's not living long. It's a small dog.
- Small dogs live long.
- But that's one of those dogs that's like, been GMO'd.
- Yeah, I don't know about that breed.
- That dude can't breathe.
- Yeah.
Zac. - Grimbly.
- Hey, little Grimbly. It's Christmas.
- Yes, pretty darn good.
- Christmas for my little Grimbly.
- Go for it.
- Scrooge McDog. - Aw.
- Scrooge McDog!
Come on now, everyone!
This point goes to Kimia, right?
- Wow! - Absolutely it does.
- Snuck it in there.
- Next dog.
Zac.
- Cyrano. - Oh, yes!
Jake.
- Don't know his name, but I know he's swanging.
That dog's swanging. - That's a swanging dog.
- So you're saying that dog has a big dick?
- He's hogged out.
That's one of those dogs you see 'em walking you're like,
that's a human-sized cock.
- Yeah.
- See, I tried to leave it with just swanging-
- I felt like there was some confusion
and I wanted to clarify.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, are we clear?
- If anything, too clear. - Do you feel clear on it?
- I feel clear on it.
- I can see it, you know? - No question, I think that dog's got a big cock.
- 'Cause it's a small dog, but most of its body is its wang.
I get it. - Mm-hmm.
- You know what Jake's talking about, right?
- Tweet me, send me pics of your dog's hog.
- What's your Twitter handle?
- @jacobwysocki. - @jacobwysocki.
Kimia. - Oh, sure.
- Anything? - Um, rose.
- This point goes to Zac. - Oh, wow.
- Last dog.
- Oh...
- Jake.
- Gorf. - Yes, absolutely.
G-O-R-F? - Could be a double G.
- I like that even more.
Zac.
- Conspiracy Dearest. - Conspiracy Dearest.
- He's my little Conspiracy Dearest.
Bunker.
- Bunker! - Bunker's good.
- Aw. - That point goes to Kimia.
- No!
- That brings us to round two where our players
will now test their talents in teams of two.
Zac, Jacob.
- What's up? - What's up, dude?
- A boxing coach gives bad advice in between rounds.
- All right, Buds.
All right, Buds, I need you to go out there.
Okay, I need you to piss your pants, okay?
It's gonna knock off his kilt. - Got it.
- He's not gonna understand what it is.
Who you fighting for? - I'm fighting for you.
- That's right, you're fighting for me.
You gonna let me down? - He's killing me.
- You gonna let me, an old, sick man down?
- I'm not gonna let you down.
- My heart's on the line. Get out there!
- Okay, any other advice?
- Okay, listen, listen, listen.
After you're done pissing yourself, kiss him on the cheek.
- Okay, okay. - Who you playing for?
- I'm playing for you.
- I'm getting, they told me it's not good. It's not.
- I'm gonna piss my pants and I'm gonna kiss him
on the cheek and then you'll live forever.
- Yeah, I'll live forever if you do that, all right?
- Okay. - I'll cut you off there.
Oh, what an emotionally manipulative boxing coach.
Piss your pants for me, I'm dying.
Quite a few points for both of you.
- Good, that works out.
- Jake, no rest for the weary.
- Don't need it. You know why?
- Why? - Somebody's got my back.
- That's right, and Kimia.
Tennis match grunts
get out of hand.
- Sick, sick!
- Nice one!
- You're playing great! - Wanna come over later?
- I'll bring tapas! - Yes!
- Are you a red? - Yeah!
- Or a white? - What?
- Wine! - Oh!
- Person! - Red!
- Great! - Cool.
- Kiss? - Kiss!
- Kiss.
Kiss!
- Yeah! - Yeah!
- Yeah, see you later then, yeah?
- Okay, cool. Good game. - Great, great.
- If only tennis could be that civilized.
- I'm tired.
- Points as far as the eye can see.
Kimia. - Yes.
- And Zachary. - Yes?
- Tourists in Hawaii enjoying the novelty
of being melted by lava.
- Hmm, wow. - Oh gosh.
- Look at this.
- Okay, so we're in the right area.
Take a picture because when are we gonna be back here?
- Never, right? - I know, right?
- I mean, we can't afford that. Nope.
- Yeah, look at this, wow.
Oh, we are...
- It's getting warm. - We're hot.
- It's getting real warm in here.
- And is that flowing that way and this way?
- Yeah, it's coming on both sides of us.
- It's completely encircling us.
- Look,
- it's behind us, too. - This is rare. Oh my God.
- Shit, oh my goodness. - Oh my God.
Planet Earth,
- here we come, you know? - Yeah, they said we wouldn't
see something amazing and yet-
- No, and here we are.
- Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.
- Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi. - Ah, I love it, I love it.
I love it. - Oh, look at this.
Look at this. - Wow, wow!
- Oh my Gosh, when we get back to the hotel,
if we get back to the hotel, I guess.
- Right, I don't know at this point.
- It's gonna be like, everybody's gonna be really jealous.
- Yeah. - Yeow!
- I lost the camera, but that's okay.
I've got it all in here, huh? - You got it in here?
Well, that's good. - Uh-huh, that's good.
- Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. - Ah, ah, ah, ah.
- Cool though. It's cool and hot.
- Tight, tight, tight, tight, tight.
Tight, tight, tight, tight, tight, tight, tight...
- Terminator thumbs!
- Yes!
Beautiful, the two of you! That's excellent.
Quite a few points. - Great.
- For the two of you as well.
Zac. - Yes.
- And Jake.
Olympic swimmers talk trash between strokes.
- Fucker. - You're a little bitch.
- Little bitch says what?
- What?
- Oh!
- Oh, damn it, damn it, damn it!
Hey, did you call Mom yesterday?
- Did I call my mom?
- Yeah, did you call your mom yesterday?
- No. - She called me.
- She didn't... she didn't...
Get back in the pool, dude.
- I'll cut you off there
just to make sure nobody passes out.
You know, I think as far as trash talk goes,
Jake did hand it to Zac a little bit more
than Zac handed it to Jake.
- Fuck.
- We're gonna say lopsided points for that round.
Jacob and Kimia.
Two NYC-ers who were born in NYC, raised in NYC,
and have never left NYC
bump into each other on the sidewalks of NYC.
- Hey. - Ooh!
- You gavone? - What?
- You acting like a gavone, bumping into me.
- Hey, shut it, you big bambino,
I didn't mean to bump into you.
Don't call me a gavone.
I was walking backwards for some reason so leave me alone!
- Hey, stop acting like a little cugine, okay?
- Okay, get outta here!
I'm gonna down to the bodega, okay?
If you don't mind, you're in the way of the bodega to me.
- Are you going to Adam's Bodega?
- Yeah, I'm going to Adam's Bodega.
- You gonna get a BEC with some S and P?
- I don't do the P, just the S, you know?
- Oh, you're not a big pepper gal?
- Makes me sneeze. - Achoo-choo-choo.
- Yeah, choo all the way home, you know?
I live on 4th and Main.
- I live on 4th and Main. - No way!
- Are you the West side, the East side,
South side, North side of the tracks?
- Yeah, south-northwest of 4th and Main.
- Did you go to Hunderry Elementary?
- Hunderry, absolutely.
- With Mrs. Bronx? - Gosey.
- Mrs. Gose Bronxy? - Gose, yeah.
- Yeah. - We called her a ghost
'cause she never there. - What year did you graduate?
- Oh my God. On the count of three.
- One, two, three.
- 1970. - 1969.
- Okay, we don't know each other.
- Close, close. We coulda been right there.
- We don't know each other.
- Yeah, but you probably missed it. - Kinda thought we knew each other
- All right, buddy.
- Okay. - Okay.
- Just, we are two people who have grown up
in Southern California.
- I know, it's a bad fit.
- We are...
- That is absolutely why I gave you this prompt.
Of all of the streets that you could possibly have named
I am almost positive there is no Main Street
in New York City.
- I can't wait to just send that clip to Brennan.
- Last but not least of this round,
Kimia and Zac.
A werewolf who only turns into a wolf
when their account is overdrawn.
- Oh God, that was a great meal. We really went for it.
- It's only fair if we split it.
- Okay, cool, yeah. - Okay, sure.
Pop it down. - Pop down.
- I'll just go and run that.
- Thank you. - Great.
- So what are you doing after this?
What's the rest of your day?
- I have it open in case you wanna go do a-
- Oh, okay. - Do you have another card?
- Sorry? - Do you have another card?
- Do I have another card?
- Do you have another card? It didn't go through.
- Well, uh, let me look.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- You can just put it all on mine.
- We started the transaction.
- And you can't stop the-
Just put the whole,
please just put the whole thing on my card!
- We started it.
- You're seeing this though, right?
- Yeah, I'm seeing it. - Yeah, and you can't-
- This is so embarrassing!
- I'll cut you off there.
Absolutely brilliant.
That brings us to our final mini game.
This mini game is called Make it Sing.
I present our players with an object.
They must make that object make the corresponding noise.
Players, your sound is:
Kimia. - Okay, great, well...
- Interesting.
Jacob.
- Thank you.
- My stapler. You took one of my staplers!
- Yeah dude, that's mine.
- Zac. - Okay.
Trying to make that noise? - Uh-huh.
- The one we heard earlier?
- Yep. - Okay.
- Holy shit, Zac!
- I don't give a fuck what the noise was!
- That shit ripped, Zac.
- Wow! - That was impressive.
- Ooh. - Thank you.
- All the credit in the world to Kimia and Jake
for their clever responses,
but I think for sheer force of will alone
that has to go to Zac Oyama.
- There's no other option. - Wow.
It was that or go over to the computer and press play.
- That brings us to round three
where our players will now hold hands
and jump into the abyss all together.
- Tight. - It's been nice knowing you.
- Nice, see you on the other side.
- Before you jump,
there's somebody that you should probably meet.
- Zac, Jake, and Kimia.
Those trick-or-treaters who are way too old
to be trick-or-treating.
- Hey
- Trick or treat.
- We gotta get some candy from you, please.
- I'm dressed as a Gundam.
- I'm, I'm dressed as a Gundam.
- Oh, I'm also a condom.
- Not a condom, a Gundam.
- Oh no.
- Two condoms and a Gundam here.
- Only fun-sized?
- You don't got any of the good stuff?
- Don't worry, we've got three sets of teeth
so we're covered.
- I'll cut you off there.
I absolutely expected for you to be teenagers
and what a delightful surprise.
Points for sure.
Next up, three sports announcers
doing a play-by-play of each other.
- Chuck, Jake, and Tim here again.
Here we are. Looks like Chuck wore his dad's suit.
It barely fits on- - Strong start from Chuck
naming all of us here in the booth today
as we get our mics set up,
real good tightening of the microphone.
- Looks like we got a little bit of a delay of game.
The other two hosts are still plugging in their cords,
and they're still setting their levels,
but I'm hot, I'm live, and I'm ready to roll.
- Tim is ready to roll!
- That was a great defensive move by Jake,
supporting what Tim said to save his own feelings.
- Chuck's sounding exceptionally dry
in the mouth this evening.
Probably hasn't had any water in a couple days or-
- Chuck parched as hell! - Chuck's dehydrated.
- Out there on the field, taking a big sip.
- I'd say Chuck did a slam dunk there.
- And Chuck is announcing himself in this.
He is announcing what he is doing.
That's a bit of a meta commentary.
Really exciting stuff for the match.
- I gotta be honest, this game is all tied up in the booth.
- Well Tim says, what's that?
The tiniest glasses in the world.
Just cleaning them off there.
Yikes, can you even see anything out of those? - Putting on a smaller pair of glasses.
- Look how small those glasses are, yikes.
- Looking at a miniature piece of paper.
- Oh, I see. Small glasses, small piece of paper.
Makes a lot of sense, huh?
- Sorry folks, I forgot to announce everybody's numbers.
Tim is number six and Chuck is number 12, all right.
- Tim is six.
- Tim's number six.
- Folks at home who might be wondering
what my name is, I also forgot.
- Jake, it's Jake. Your name is Jake.
- My name is Jake. - Why doesn't everybody
just take a quick second
and say what they think their name is.
- Okay, here we go. My name is definitely Chuck.
- I think my name's probably Jake.
- And I'm pretty sure that your name was Tim.
- I desperately want to keep this going forever,
but I'll cut you off there, incredible.
What were those numbers again, Zac?
- Six. - Six.
- Seven and nine.
- We'll 679 points for the three of you.
- Whoa, 679 points. - Nice, nice.
- Wow, should we just take a breath, recover from that?
- Are you gonna convert all of us?
- That's up to you.
That's up to you and what you want with your souls.
- Okay.
- Last but certainly not least, the final prompt.
- I've had so much fun.
- I'm so glad you had a good time.
Can you give me one last, "I'm so excited to be here."
- I'm just so excited to be here.
- Zac, Jake, Kimia.
A quirky educational theater troupe
teaches you a bittersweet life lesson.
- What's up, Abbot Elementary?
How's everybody doing today?
- Whoa! - Whoa!
- Can we all get a big group dab going?
Let's dab on 'em!
- One, two, three! - Three!
- Dab!
- All right, nobody did it. That's okay.
- We're here to teach you a lesson.
- We wanna let you think about something
that you're not normally thinking about.
- That's right, it's something that we experience a lot,
and we now need you to also experience.
- It takes a little bit of growth as a human being.
- It's called grief!
- I know what you're thinking.
Isn't grief just a big thing?
When somebody dies you feel grief? No.
- It's a little more complicated than that,
and it really sucks.
- It's honestly probably the hardest thing
you'll ever have to deal with,
especially when it's somebody close to your heart.
- That's right, there is the big death of grief,
but there's smaller griefs
just when something doesn't go the way you want.
We work on it in therapy.
- And sometimes when someone dies,
they were the person you wanted to talk to about it.
- The thing I grieve the most is the idea
that us as humans could just be chilling at waterfalls
acting like mermaids, but we don't get that.
We have to work.
- Everybody, we're still doing okay, right?
Let's get another group dab.
One, two, three. - Group dab!
- Okay, no one did it.
- I'm still grieving capitalism, yeah, yeah!
- I'm grieving the relationship that I thought I would have
with a bunch of different people.
That's a lot of small griefs.
- The last conversation I had with my grandfather,
I called him a coward.
- And if you like how this sounds,
what you're gonna like even more
are all the yo-yos we've got to sell.
- And cut! Holy shit!
For the record, Kimia, I dabbed both times.
- Oh, nice.
- Fuck those kids. - That's right.
- So many points.
So many goddamn points. - Oh, look at all the points!
- He's gonna run outta paper!
- Oh shoot, and points.
- That brings us to the end of our game.
Our winner tonight, Jacob Wysocki!
- All right!
- Jacob, you are the recipient of the Golden Ear.
- Wow, thank you. I've had so much fun being here tonight.
Thank you. Praise Him.
- That does it for us here at "Make Some Noise."
Tune in next time for more of the game samer.
I am Sam Reich, and that sounds pretty good to me.
Good night.