- Tonight, awkwardly dismounting a ski lift,
it's Ross Bryant.
Getting locked out of his hotel room naked without a keycard
it's Jacquis Neal.
And a time lapse of a plant growing toward the sun,
it's Anna Garcia.
They're all here to-
- Make some noise!
- Welcome to "Make Some Noise," the game so good
we spun it off unchanged.
I am your host Sam Reich, and here's how the show works.
I have a series of improvisational prompts
our players have never seen before.
Isn't that right, players?
- I can't see. - He can't see.
- Obviously not.
- They will, to the best of their ability,
fulfill those prompts.
I will award them corresponding points,
and the winner will take home the coveted Golden Ear.
- Ooh.
- Sorry second and third place players.
The silver and bronze ears got lost in transit.
Ross. - It has come to this.
- A lounge singer's patter
before a royalty-free song.
- Hey everybody, thanks for coming in tonight.
You know, it's beautiful
to see so many lovely people out here.
Maybe you're gonna make a little love connection
just like I might in a tight, confined space
of a tiny, little rowboat
taking you all the way up the river.
And it goes a little something like.
- You know what I'm talking about.
How gently?
Did I say?
Ooh, what a beautiful dream.
- Ooh! - That's right, Ross.
Hot damn! - Wow, wow.
- Kicking us off well.
Yeah, I'm gonna say an initial three points for Ross.
- Ooh, wow.
- Jacquis. - Sam.
- A best man speech in which the subtext
is that he and the groom were abducted by aliens.
- What a beautiful ceremony.
Never thought my man Jeremy
would be getting married.
You know, we've been through a lot together.
We've been through a lot together.
We used to play "Dragon Ball Z" video games,
you know what I'm saying?
We have felt some things, you know,
probed into us at certain points of our lives.
And never did I think, you know,
when we were staring at a cold, you know, empty void
that this is where we would be.
Now, some of y'all may be asking what the empty void is,
and Jeremy, you know.
Lela, welcome to the family.
And speaking of welcome to, remember, Jeremy,
when we was like, "Welcome to Earth."
Like welcome to the family.
- I will cut you off there, Jacquis. Oh, man.
Intergalactic amount of points for you, Jacquis.
- Oh!
- Anna. - Yes.
- Someone who is slowly but surely
turning into an "Animal Crossing" character.
- Yeah, so I was just,
I was at the supermarket the other day.
I saw my friend in there.
I completely forgot and I was...
I forgot his name completely, and he was...
And then I was like, okay sorry, I need to...
- I will cut you off there, Anna.
I heard gasps of recognition among the crew.
Let's say three and 2/3 points for you.
- Ooh.
- Ross. - Yes, sir.
- A Confederate soldier's letter home
in which he's subtly trying to start a sexting thing.
- Dearest Ophelia.
The Sun is setting over the Chattanooga River,
and I know that tomorrow may be the day
I draw my last breath as I face the Yankee horde
that seeks to come and wrest our freedom
and our, quote, "property" unquote, from us.
I do not know when I shall once again feel your presence,
wrap my hand around your bodiced charms
and once again whisper your name.
But if a Minié ball is to find purchase in my bosom
upon the morning, I hope that you shall tell me
what you are wearing, girl.
First question, Ophelia.
You up?
Has the cock crowing
brought you forth from blissful slumber?
I repeat, you up?
For rest assured, I am up, Ophelia.
In particular, part of me is up as the sturdy oak tree
in front of the plantation that bears your family's name.
And if I die tomorrow, which as a Confederate soldier
I richly deserve to do,
I hope that when I die the last thoughts
that go through my mind is a thought of them titties, girl.
- My God, Ross! Holy shit!
- Oh.
- Frankly, the only reason I could dock you points
is the word "subtly."
- Subtlety is not my brand.
- And I would never do that.
- Honestly, my favorite Confederate soldier of all time.
- 25 points for you, Ross.
- Oh! - Oof!
- Jacquis! - Ah, okay.
- A referee calling party fouls.
- Okay, all right, all right, all right, all right.
All right, we're gonna keep it clean here, folks.
Now, I want you to keep your hands above the table.
Keep your hands above the table
as you throw the balls into the water cups.
And water is beer
in case you don't know what I mean, all right?
Are you ready? Set, go.
All right, motherfucker, all right, technical foul!
Technical foul!
You dropped the ball on the ground.
You know what happens when you drop the ball on the ground.
COVID is on the ground! COVID is on the ground!
Oh, you wanna talk some shit?
You wanna talk some?
All right, get out!
Get out, ejection, ejection!
- Beautiful, Jacquis.
I saw our COVID officer nodding along with you.
I'm gonna say 50 points for the dialogue
and another 51 points for the dance.
- Ooh.
- Anna. - Yes.
- Your annoyingly complicated Starbucks secret menu order.
- Hi.
Hi, yeah, I'd like to place an order.
Okay, are you ready?
You have your note? You need a notepad?
Notepad? Notepad?
So we're gonna start with a venti, right?
It's gonna be a double frap cappuccino,
and I do want you to have nutmeg cream.
Nutmeg cream, you guys have that?
Well, if you would need to mix the regular cream
with nutmeg I would get it.
Okay, and then I know that you guys use cinnamon sticks.
Three of those, could you blend them?
And when you do that, just put a cup in the blender, too.
I don't mind that flavor.
I know it gives it more of an earthy taste.
What you're gonna do
is throw out the first I thing I gave you.
I don't want that.
And then what you're gonna do is make me a hot chocolate
with a little bit of candy cane in it.
I don't care that it's May.
I will hand you my credit card.
It's gonna get rejected. - Anna!
- Get to it!
- What an absolute Gen Z nightmare.
Let's say a venti amount of points for you.
- Oh.
- Ross. - Yes, sir.
- An ad for a new McDonald's sandwich, The Macbeth.
- Did ye work up an appetite
unseaming the foes of your liege lord
from the nave to the chaps?
When the dawn breaks, how shall ye break your fast?
- Oh, shit!
- The new McDonald's Macbeth,
the only sandwich with meat taken from a cow
that trusted the butcher with its very life.
That beef is placed upon a bun along with pills
and a super special sauce.
The new McDonald's Macbeth,
it is a meal you shall wish to enjoy tomorrow and tomorrow.
And tomorrow.
I'm loving it!
- First of all, that was a long commercial.
- That was the part that probably strained credulity.
- These hands about to give you points.
Jacquis. - Here I am.
- The TV premiere of an R-rated movie
in which the curses have been replaced by,
you know, words that aren't curses.
- You ninjas are gonna be spending time
at mother-flipping Pelican Bay when I'm done with you.
Shoe program, ninja!
Everything else, ninjas!
Now listen here!
You can't do this to me!
I'm mother-flipping King Kong around here.
I put ninjas in choke holds.
Oh damn, the Russians.
- The ultimate button is getting shot to death
by a firing squad.
Let's say, a point per ninja.
- Oh.
- Anna, last prompt of round one.
One of those, like, beekeeper TikTok narrations,
but they got stung a lot of times.
- Everyone, thanks so much for joining me
on another day of rescuing bees in Southern Texas.
I am so, so excited.
This family called me up,
and they had a huge, huge infestation
on their side of the wall in the living room,
and I knew it was going to be an amazing day.
I couldn't find the queen bee, but as I was looking
I noticed that there was a small swarm in the corner.
I stuck my head in and, ouchie, one of them stung me.
That's not typical. Anyway, I kept looking.
I reach for the queen.
She's in the upper left-hand corner.
Ouchie, ooh, ow, ow, ow, more stings.
I have a suit on. They're not supposed to do that.
I grab the queen and I put her safely
in the back of my pickup truck,
and the rest of the bees start to follow.
However, instead of going straight to the queen,
they go through me, ow, ow, ow, ow!
They are penetrating my skin
and I am bleeding on the ground.
I'm allergic to bees and I go into shock immediately,
and I am making this voiceover from the hospital.
- Anna, the accuracy.
- Yeah. - Very accurate.
- I watched a lot of that bee lady's videos.
- I have also watched a lot of that bee lady,
but we didn't know that ahead of time.
Queen bee amount of points for you.
- Sweet, sweet, thank you. - Wow.
- It's time for the mini game.
Players, I'm going to give you a category.
The category in this case being, regional insults.
I am going to give you a region
and you give me the famous local insult from that region.
Chicago, Illinois.
Anna.
- Oh, you're drunk and do improv.
- That's probably right.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ross.
- Eh, take it back to Milwaukee you Wisconsin snack jacket.
- There you go. - There it is.
- Snack jacket, absolutely, Ross.
- Nice. - Next up, Paris, France.
Jacquis!
- You smell like fries.
Dirty American fries.
- How dare he.
Ross.
- You are um, you are uh, um, how you say?
In my language, la douche.
A douchebag, no?
- Anna.
- Shamefully, I'll have to take your word for it, Anna.
- It was all kinda gibberish.
- That was bad. - Yeah.
- I don't think you can air that.
- Next up, Savannah, Georgia.
Ross.
- Let's just say, he's not the type
that I would invite to a Friday fish fry.
- It's so passive aggressive!
Dublin, Ireland.
Ross.
- Why don't you get out of my face,
you coal-carrying prick
before I paint a new face for you with these,
St. Patrick and St. Michael.
Read your catechism, you fucking bastard!
- Jacquis.
- So I don't do an Ireland accent,
but I will say to you that if you keep making me angry,
I'm gonna show you what's on the other side of the rainbow.
- Ooh. - And it's not a pot of gold.
- There you go.
Ottawa, Canada.
Jacquis.
- If you would kindly stick a maple tree up your ass, eh?
I'm from the New York side of Canada.
- Jacquis, British Columbia over here.
Back in my neighborhood, we eat poutine, okay?
- Hey!
- Ross.
- Gosh, that wasn't very nice there, bud.
- That's all they wrote.
Yep.
- I really don't appreciate when you talk to me that way.
It really hurts my feelings,
and I just want there to be an open line of communication
between the two of us.
- Basically we're just saying Canadians
are emotionally mature.
- Right.
- That brings us to round two where our players
will now test their talents in teams of two.
Ross and Jacquis. - Okay.
- Shakespeare's "Dude, Where's My Car?"
- Such intoxication as we have had yesternight
hath but clouded my brainpan such
that I know not where is our cart, my guy.
- Dost thou mean our cart isn't parked
on the road of our abode, outside?
- Nay, there where it is wont to haunt,
its native resting place outside our domicile
it hath absented itself therefrom, dude.
- Lastest nighteth, when we were partaking
in the juana of Mari.
- We did smoke in great quantities.
- I parkedth the cart right here, but now it is gone!
- Aye. - So I ask thee,
Dude, whereth is our car-eth?
- Query me not this, good sir.
I am bereft of knowledge as thou art.
When thou didst turn thy back at me,
I did espy some tattooings of thy back region.
- A tattooeth on my back region?
- Twixt thy very sharpened shoulder blades
was some word placed which my eyes did espy.
May have tis some clue?
- Turneth around.
No, nothing. - And cut.
- We shall not play out this tableau.
- I love how that was like, 30 seconds of movie
in like three full minutes of Shakespeare.
- That's about right.
- Jacquis and Anna. - Mm-hmm.
- A kernel of popcorn gives its unpopped child...
the talk.
- Orville.
Come to the left side of the bowl.
I would like to have a speak with you.
- I don't wanna really do this.
- Now, there comes a time in every young kernel's life
where you get a little hot.
And when you get a little hot, you get a little bigger.
And when you get a little bigger,
sometimes people want to pour butter on you.
And I want you to know that if that's ever not something
that you want to do, you can speak up and say that, okay?
- I got a question. - Yes.
- What do I do when I get so, so horny?
- Well, when you get horny,
you find someone to have sex with.
- I can't just pop myself?
- We can't do that. Which is why,
if you want somebody to pop you.
- Uh-huh. - You have to give them
consent to pop you. - Oh, that's awesome.
I have a, I have a...
I have a crush on a girl kernel.
- That's so good. - You're awesome.
- And cut.
Just so we're all keeping track,
Orville Redenbacher, pro-gay.
Pro-consent, anti-masturbation.
Ross and Anna, one of these two
is definitely wearing a wire.
- Oh good, I didn't think you'd come.
- I did.
- All right, I've got the crack cocaine.
If you've got the money, then we can do this thing,
by which I mean exchange the money for drugs.
- Hey Greg, why are you talking like that?
- Talking like what?
Come on, let's get this over with
and conduct this transaction.
Money is exchanged for goods and services.
In this case, the services are drugs.
- I'm gonna be honest, Greg. You're freaking me out.
- You're freaking me out, dude.
- I guess I'll give you the product.
- And just to be clear, because you know I don't like it
when things are vague,
the product in this case being crack cocaine,
a refinement of cocaina in rock form to be smokified.
- I've got a big gun.
- And you definitely have a license
for possession of said firearm, do you not?
- I will cut you off there.
Here's the wild thing, she was wearing the wire.
- I have the wire. - She was wearing a wire
the whole time. - I have a wire.
- Ross and Jacquis.
Two kraken trainers at Sea World
show off their work with the krakens.
- Brian and I are super excited today to share with you
some of the wonders of the deep.
Are you guys ready? - Yeah!
- Fantastic. Give a big hello to our krakens.
They are currently swimming around in the pool
right in front of you.
Now, these are elemental beings
formed in the non-Euclidean realm of Poseidon,
a sort of pocket dimension in between our world
and the world of myth and dreams.
- Ooh. - They've entered our universe
through a perversion of the laws of nature,
and we'll be jumping 'em through some hoops.
- Yeah!
Now, I just want to let you all know
that if these kraken look familiar to you,
you may have seen 'em
in the movie "Pirates of the At World's End."
And they were trained...
- By us!
- You're looking at some movie stars here, guys.
- Some stars. - Yeah, if they look familiar
it's 'cause you saw 'em standing
right next to Mr. Jonathan Depp.
- Oh yes, now, if you want to hear a very,
very fun little secret. - I do.
- Guess what? - What?
- These kraken are brother and sister.
- Uh-oh, uh-oh. That's right, they are related.
And they do fight for dominance.
Is there human collateral damage?
- Yes, yes. - Every time.
- And cut. - Yes.
- Damn Ross, that amount of kraken trivia
was nothing I expected anyone to bring to the table.
- Oh boy.
- Jacquis and Anna. - Yes, yes.
- Two athletes in a decathlon
having just finished the marathon portion
and beginning the hot dog eating portion.
- Okay.
- Oh, fuck you.
- I'm gonna fucking win. I'm gonna win.
I'm gonna fucking do this.
- This is gonna be my fifth consecutive year.
- Oh no. - With the gold!
- I'm gonna fucking beat you this time.
How many of these do we gotta eat, 14?
- Oh, I thought it was 74.
- What? Oh, that is a seven.
- Oh my. - Okay.
- I don't wanna do this. I don't wanna-
- I'll tap out if you tap out.
- But the prize is $50.000!
- $50.000? Shit!
- What?
- And cut. - I got that!
- Jacquis's character thought he was doing this for free.
Anna and Ross, two of those people
who always make conversation on planes.
- Oh God, eight hours.
- Uh-huh. - We're in for a journey.
- Yeah, New York to Hawaii nonstop.
- Have you been? - Only in my imagination.
- I hear it's amazing.
My mom just went there for a wedding.
It was her friend from her bowling league growing up
and she's- - No way, what is her name?
- Her name's Dianna Reed. - I know a Dianna Reed!
- You do not know a Dianna Reed!
- Yes, I do! - That's my mom!
Riddle me this, riddle me this.
Did your mom grow up in Pentacowa County?
- Pentacowa County, Virginia? Uh, yeah.
- That's where my mom grew up!
- Okay, now this is starting to literally freak me out.
- My mind is blowing!
- Is this some kind of practical joke?
I'm sorry, are these air conditioners or cameras?
- That's crazy. The air is on-
- Oh boy, this is gonna be a fun eight hours.
- I'll cut you off there.
My literal nightmare,
and the reason why I have noise-canceling headphones.
That brings us to round three
where our players will now hold hands
and jump into the abyss together.
Ross. - Yes, sir.
- Jacquis. - Yes.
- Anna. - Hello.
- A rendition of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
in which the third singer
is clearly trying to amp things up a bit.
- Okay. - Okay.
- And a one, and a two and a skiddily-diddily-doo.
Row your boat, row your boat, row, row, row, yeah!
- Anna, my God!
Whitney Houston in the house.
- Runs for days.
- Is this an improv show or a talent show, am I right?
- Did I win?
- Ross, Jacquis, Anna, ready.
Throuple's therapy.
- Okay, I have a rose and a thorn.
My rose is, I really loved that you made breakfast for us
after our night together.
- Thank you. - And I guess my thorn is
that that breakfast did contain gluten.
We've been over that. - Okay.
- The only cereal grains that I can deal with
are like millet and like artisanal grains and sorghums.
- Okay, I have a little bit of a gift and a curse as well.
The gift is, I'm so happy that you guys
finally caught up on the latest season of "Jessica Jones"
so we can watch it together.
But the curse is, I'm very upset at you two
for skipping ahead on "General Hospital"
where you know that I wanna know
what's going on with Sonny Corinthos and the clan.
Like, if we can't do the little things together,
how can I trust we can do the big things together?
- I hear you, I hear you.
- Okay?
Anna, you don't have to raise your hand. You can talk, yes.
- Neither of them have ever made me cum.
- Then you deserve an Oscar for last night.
- I thought you came.
- I did not.
- You fingered yourself.
- Yeah, we were hands-off. - Hands-off, you-
- You told us to go to the other side of the room.
- And watch. - "I'm gonna get this done."
- And whose fault is that? - It feels like yours.
- We were following your instructions.
- And whose fault is that? Following your instructions?
- And cut.
This throuple clearly has a lot of work to do.
Last but not least, players.
Ross, Jacquis, Anna. - All right.
- An improv group has a bunch of stipulations
for the one-word suggestion.
- Hey, everybody, thank you so much for coming out!
- Thanks, guys. - We are Fist Pump.
Yeah, we are going to need just one thing from you guys,
and that is a one-word suggestion,
but the word cannot start with the letter K.
- No.
- It's personal, it's personal.
- Also the word cannot be food. No food, no food.
- No food! Ugh, how many times have we heard pineapple?
- No way. - None.
- No K's, we're talking no food.
If it's a location, and I do say if
'cause it does not have to be, but it could be,
I'd love for that location to be big enough
to fit in a five-by-five square.
- Yeah. - Let me get a fist pump!
Fist Pump, Fist Pump.
- And if you have a word and you think that word is funny,
take that word and shove it up your fucking ass.
- No fucking comedians in the crowd!
- Take that shit home!
- Take that shit outta here. We are doing the comedy.
- If you know me personally, don't speak!
- Any personal friends of Anna,
shut the fuck up! - Shut the fuck up!
- Tell me what you guys cooking, cooking, cooking
on not food, no K's. - Chopping, chop, chop.
- Five-by-five maybe.
If you're Anna's friend, fucking keep it down.
- And cut.
It's funny because it's true.
That brings us to the end of our show.
Our winner tonight, Anna Garcia!
- And here I come!
- Oh, I asked for this.
- Anna, you win the coveted Golden Ear.
- Thank you, Sam. - You are so welcome.
- I got a call. It's Hollywood.
- That does it for us here at "Make Some Noise."
Be sure to tune in next time
for more of the game samer.
I'm Sam Reich, and that sounds pretty good to me.
Good night.
- Yeah, Anna!