DIPPER: Ah! Summer break!
- So do you want cheese on that, hon? - WOMAN: Sure, Hank!
A time for leisure, recreation and taking her easy.
Unless you're me.
(YELLING)
(SCREAMING)
(CREATURE GROWLING)
It's getting closer!
(GROWLING)
My name is Dipper.
The girl about to puke is my sister Mabel.
You may be wondering what we're doing in a golf cart,
fleeing from a creature of unimaginable horror.
- Look out! - Ah!
(BOTH YELLING)
Rest assured, there's a perfectly logical explanation.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
DIPPER: Let's rewind.
It all began when our parents decided we could use some fresh air.
They shipped us up North to a sleepy town called Gravity Falls, Oregon,
to stay at our great uncle's place in the woods.
This attic is amazing! Check out all my splinters!
(BLEATING)
And there's a goat on my bed.
Hey, friend.
Oh! Yes, you can keep chewing on my sweater!
(LAUGHING)
My sister tended to look on the bright side of things.
Yay!
Grass!
But I was having a hard time getting used to our new surroundings.
- Boo! - (SCREAMS)
(GUFFAWING)
And then there was our Great Uncle Stan. That guy.
(CONTINUES LAUGHING)
(COUGHING)
It was worth it!
Our uncle had transformed his house into a tourist trap
he called the Mystery Shack.
The real mystery was why anyone came.
Ladies and gentlemen, behold the Sascrotch!
(ALL EXCLAIM EXCITEDLY)
And guess who had to work there.
- (DIPPER SIGHS) - Oh!
No touching the merchandise!
It looked like it was gonna be the same, boring routine all summer.
Until one fateful day...
He's looking at it. He's looking at it!
Uh...
(READING)
- I rigged it! - DIPPER: Mabel?
I know you're going through your whole boy-crazy phase,
but I think you're kind of overdoing it with the crazy part.
What? (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
Come on, Dipper!
This is our first summer away from home.
It's my big chance to have an epic summer romance!
Yeah, but do you need to flirt with every guy you meet?
My name is Mabel. But you can call me the girl of your dreams!
I'm joking!
(LAUGHING)
Oh, my gosh, you like turtles? I like turtles, too!
What is happening here?
Come one, come all, to the Mattress Prince's Kingdom of savings!
- (WHISPERS) Take me with you! - (SCREAMS)
Mock all you want, brother,
but I got a good feeling about this summer.
I wouldn't be surprised if the man of my dreams
walked through that door right now!
(BELCHING)
Oh! Oh! Not good! Ow.
- Oh, why? - (LAUGHING)
All right, all right. Look alive, people!
I need someone to go hammer up these signs
in the spooky part of the forest.
- Not it! - Not it!
Also not it.
Nobody asked you, Soos.
I know. And I'm comfortable with that.
Wendy, I need you to put up this sign.
I would, but I, uh, can't, uh, reach it.
I'd fire all of you if I could.
All right, let's make it, eeny-meeny-miny... You!
Oh, what?
Grunkle Stan, whenever I'm in those woods I feel like I'm being watched.
Ah, this again.
I'm telling you, something weird is going on in this town.
Just today, my mosquito bite spelled out "beware."
That says "bewarb."
Look, kid, the whole "monsters in the forest" thing is just local legend,
drummed up by guys like me, to sell merch to guys like that.
(LAUGHING)
So quit being so paranoid!
(SIGHS)
(WIND WHISTLING)
Ugh. Grunkle Stan... Nobody ever believes anything I say.
- (METALLIC CLANK) - Huh?
(CLANKING CONTINUES)
(HINGES CREAK)
- (MACHINERY WHIRRING) - (BLEATING)
What the...
"It's hard to believe it's been six years since I began
"studying the strange and wondrous secrets of Gravity Falls, Oregon."
What is all this?
"Unfortunately, my suspicions have been confirmed. I'm being watched.
"I must hide this book before he finds it.
"Remember, in Gravity Falls, there is no one you can trust."
No one you can trust.
- Hello! - (YELLS)
What you reading, some nerd thing?
Uh, uh... It's nothing!
(MOCKING) "Uh, uh. It's nothing!"
(LAUGHING) What, are you actually not gonna show me?
Uh...
Let's go somewhere private.
It's amazing! Grunkle Stan said I was being paranoid,
but according to this book, Gravity Falls has this secret dark side.
Whoa!
Shut up!
And get this. After a certain point, the pages just stop.
Like the guy who was writing it mysteriously disappeared.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
- Who's that? - Well, time to spill the beans!
Beans. This girl's got a date.
(HOOTS)
Let me get this straight.
In the half hour I was gone, you already found a boyfriend?
What can I say? I guess I'm just irresistible!
- (DOORBELL RINGING) - Oh! Coming!
What you reading there, slick?
Oh'. 1 was just catching up on... Gold Chains for Old Men Magazine?
That's a good issue.
Hey, family! Say hello to my new boyfriend!
'SUP-
- Hey. - How's it hanging?
We met at the cemetery. He's really deep.
Oh! Little muscle there. That's... What a surprise.
So, what's your name?
Uh...
Normal... Man!
He means Norman.
Are you bleeding, Norman?
(DRIPPING)
It's jam.
I love jam! Look at this!
So, you wanna go, hold hands or whatever?
Oh, my goodness. (GIGGLES) Don't wait up!
(CRASHING)
DIPPER: There was something about Norman that wasn't right.
I decided to consult the journal.
"Known for their pale skin and bad attitudes,
"these creatures are often mistaken for teenagers!
"Beware Gravity Falls' nefarious..."
- (GASPS) - (THUNDER CRASHES)
'SUP-
Zombie!
(ECHOING)
Did someone say, "Crombie"? What is that? Crombie.
It's not even a word. You're losing your mind.
(GRUNTING)
I like you.
Oh, no! Mabel!
No, no! Mabel, watch out!
Daisies? You scallywag!
Is my sister really dating a zombie? Or am I just going nuts?
It's a dilemma to be sure.
I couldn't help but overhear you talking aloud to yourself in this empty room.
Soos, you've seen Mabel's boyfriend. He's gotta be a zombie right?
Hmm. How many brains did you see the guy eat?
Zero.
Look, dude, I believe you. I'm always noticing weird stuff in this town.
Like the mailman? Pretty sure that dude's a werewolf.
But you gotta have evidence.
Otherwise people are gonna think you're a major league cuckoo-clock.
As always, Soos, you're right.
My wisdom is both a blessing, and a curse.
STAN: Soos! The portable toilets are clogged again!
I am needed elsewhere.
DIPPER: My sister could be in trouble. It was time to get some evidence.
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTING)
- (CRASH) - (WOMAN SCREAMS)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(EXCLAIMS)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I'd seen enough.
Mabel! We've got to talk about Norman!
Isn't he the best? Check out this giant smooch mark he gave me!
- (EXCLAIMS) - (LAUGHS)
Gullible. It was just an accident with the leaf blower.
Kissing practice!
Mmm.
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
Turn it off! Turn it off!
That was fun.
No, Mabel, listen! I'm trying to tell you that Norman is not what he seems!
(GASPS) You think he might be a vampire?
That would be so awesome!
Guess again, sister.
- Sha-bam! - Ah!
Oh, wait. I'm sorry. Sha-bam!
A zombie? That is not funny, Dipper.
I'm not joking. It all adds up, the bleeding, the limp.
He never blinks! Have you noticed that?
Maybe he's blinking when you're blinking.
Mabel, remember what the book said about Gravity Falls?
Trust no one!
Well, what about me, huh? Why can't you trust me?
Beep-BOP!
Mabel! He's gonna eat your brain!
Dipper, listen to me.
Norman and I are going on a date at 5:00,
and I'm gonna be adorable, and he's gonna be dreamy.
And I'm not gonna let you ruin it with one of your crazy conspiracies!
(SIGHS) What am I gonna do?
- (CLOCK owl. HOOTS) - (DOORBELL RINGS)
Coming!
Hey, Norman. How do I look?
Shiny!
You always know what to say.
Soos is right. I don't have any real evidence.
I guess I can be kind of paranoid sometimes and... Wait, what?
(SCREAMS)
I was right! Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!
Grunkle Stan! Grunkle Stan! Grunkle Stan!
And here we have rock-that-looks-like-a-face rock.
The rock that looks like a face.
Does it look like a rock?
- No, it looks like a face. - Is it a face?
It's a rock that looks like a face!
Over here! Grunkle Stan!
For the fifth time, it's not an actual face!
(GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION)
Finally, we're alone.
Yes. Alone!
Stan! Stan!
Wendy! Wendy, Wendy!
I need to borrow the golf cart so I can save my sister from a zombie!
Try not to hit any pedestrians.
Dude, it's me. Soos. This is for the zombies.
Thanks.
And this is in case you see a pifiata.
Uh, thanks?
Better safe than sorry!
Mabel, now that we've gotten to know each other,
there's something I should tell you.
Oh, Norman. You can tell me anything.
(THINKING) Please be a vampire! Please be a vampire!
All right, just don't freak out, okay?
Just keep an open mind. Be cool.
Is this weird? Is this too weird? You need to sit down?
All right. I'll explain. So, we're gnomes. First off, get that one out of the way.
Uh...
I'm Jeff. And here we have Carson, Steve, Jason and...
I'm sorry, I always forget your name.
Shmebulock.
Shmebulock, yes! Anyways.
Long story short, us gnomes have been looking for a new queen.
Right, guys?
(TOGETHER) Queen, queen!
Ha. So what do you say?
Will you join us, in holy matrinomy.
Matri... Matrimony! Blah! Can't talk today.
Look, I'm sorry, guys. You're really sweet, but I'm a girl.
And you're gnomes. And it's like, what?
Yikes!
We understand. We'll never forget you, Mabel.
Because we're gonna kidnap you.
- Huh? - (YELLING)
(SCREAMING)
Don't worry, Mabel! I'll save you from that zombie!
MABEL: Help!
Hold on!
The more you struggle,
the more awkward this is gonna be for everybody!
Just... Okay! Just get her arm there, Steve.
Hey, let go of me!
(GROANS)
What the heck is going on here?
(HISSES)
Dipper! Norman turned out to be a bunch of gnomes!
And they're total jerks! Hair! Hair! Hair!
Gnomes? I was way off.
"Gnomes. Little men of the Gravity Falls forest.
"Weaknesses, Unknown."
Oh, come on!
Hey, hey! Let go of my sister!
Oh. (LAUGHS)
Hey, there! Um, you know, this is all really just a big misunderstanding.
You see, your sister's not in danger.
She's just marrying all one thousand of us
and becoming our gnome queen for all eternity.
Isn't that right, honey?
You guys are butt-faces!
Give her back right now, or else!
You think you can stop us, boy? You have no idea what we're capable of.
The gnomes are a powerful race!
Do not trifle with the...
(YELLS)
He's getting away with our queen! No, no, no!
Seatbelt.
You've messed with the wrong creatures, boy.
Gnomes of the forest, assemble!
Hurry before they come after us!
I wouldn't worry about it. Did you see their little legs?
The suckers are tiny!
- (LOUD STOMPING) - (BRAKES SCREECHING)
Dang.
All right, teamwork, guys. Like we practiced!
(ROARING)
Move, move!
Come back with our queen!
It's getting closer!
- (HORN HONKS) - Shmebulock...
I'll save you, Dipper!
- Thanks, Mabel! - Don't mention it.
Look out!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(BOTH GROANING)
Stay back, man!
(ROARING)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Where's Grunkle Stan?
Behold... The world's most distracting object!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Just try to look away, you can't!
I can't even remember what I was talking about.
JEFF: It's the end of the line, kids!
Mabel, marry us before we do something crazy!
There's gotta be a way out of this.
I gotta do it.
What? Mabel! Don't do this! Are you crazy?
- Trust me. - What?
Dipper, just this once, trust me.
All right, Jeff. I'll marry you.
Hot dog! Help me down there, Jason. Thanks, Andy.
All right, left foot, there we go. Watch those fingers, Mike.
Eh? Eh?
Bada-bing, bada-bam!
Now let's get you back into the forest honey.
You may now kiss the bride.
Well! Don't mind if I do.
Hey, hey, wait a minute.
What's going on?
(SCREAMING)
That's for lying to me!
That's for breaking my heart!
Ow! My face!
And this is for messing with my brother!
(GROANS)
- Wanna do the honors? - On three!
- One! Two! Three! - One! Two! Three!
(SCREAMING) I'll get you back for this!
(ALL SCREAMING)
Who's giving orders? I need orders!
My arms are tired.
Anyone else wants some?
(WHIMPERING)
(BLEATING)
(GNOME SCREAMING)
Hey, Dipper, I'm sorry for ignoring your advice.
You really were just looking out for me.
Oh, don't be like that. You saved our butts back there!
I guess I'm just sad
that my first boyfriend turned out to be a bunch of gnomes.
Look on the bright side. Maybe the next one will be a vampire.
Oh! You're just saying that!
Awkward sibling hug?
Awkward sibling hug.
- Pat. Pat. - Pat. Pat.
(ENTRY BELL RINGS)
Sheesh! You two get hit by a bus or something? Ha!
Hey! Wouldn't you know it?
I accidentally overstocked some inventory,
so, how's about you each take one item from the gift shop,
on the house, you know?
- Really? - What's the catch?
That catch is do it before I change my mind. Now take something.
- Hmm... - Ooh! (CHUCKLES)
Hmm.
That ought to do the trick!
And I will have a grappling hook!
Yes!
Wouldn't you rather have, like, a doll or something?
Grappling hook!
Fair enough!
DIPPER: This journal told me there was no one in Gravity Falls I could trust.
But when you battle a hundred gnomes side by side with someone,
you realize that they've probably always got your back.
Hey, Mabel, could you get the light?
I'm on it.
It worked!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Grappling hook.
DIPPER: Our uncle told us there was nothing strange about this town.
But who knows what other secrets are waiting to be unlocked?
(GROANS)