Tonight's guests, from the 20th Dimension,
it's Brennan Lee Mulligan.
- Hey!
- Having read 20 erotic novels,
it's Jess Ross!
- Mwah!
- And, just in time for CollegeHumor's
20th anniversary, it's Tao Yang!
And, your host,
Me, I've been here the whole time.
Welcome to Game Changer, the only game show
where the game changes every show.
I am your host, Sam Reich.
I'm joined tody by these three lovely contestants.
Now, you all understand how the game works.
- No. - Not a single thing.
- It hasn't been explained.
- That's right, our players have no idea
what game it is they're about to play.
The only way to learn is by playing.
The only way to win is by learning.
And the only way to begin is by beginning.
So, without further adieu, let's begin.
Ash, could you bring out the machine?
- Okay.
- Uh huh.
- Players, are you ready?
- Mm-hmm - Uh huh.
- I guess.
- Brennan, what is your name?
- My name is Brennan Lee Mulligan.
- That's one point for Brennan.
- What? - Lee Mulligan.
- That was like a soft question.
- Jess, what is one plus one?
- Two.
- Two is correct! - Okay.
- Tao. - Uh huh.
- What year is it?
- 2019.
- That is correct.
Brennan.
- I'm being fucked with.
You understand?
This is an indignity.
- This will be illegal,
this will be considered illegal by the courts.
- It's one of those experiments from the 50's.
- Yes.
- Where they look back at it,
and they're like, "This is unconscionable."
Brennan, what is your middle name?
- My middle name is Lee.
- Jess Ross, what is your middle name?
- It is also Leigh.
Well, it's spelled differently L-E-I-G-H.
- Tao. - Mm-hmm?
- What is your middle name?
- I have no middle name.
- That is correct.
Brennan. - Yeah.
- Do you ever talk in your sleep?
- Fuck you.
I have talked in my sleep.
- For a bonus point, Brennan,
do you care to elaborate?
- I used to be an insomniac.
I stayed up for 81 hours in a row,
in my senior year of college.
- Holy shit.
- Missing nights of sleep regularly
will affect your sleep cycle in some weird ways.
- Jess, have you ever talked in your sleep?
- I'm starting to crack right now.
- I'm sorry.
Okay, 18.
- Okay.
- I'm afraid the answer "18"
in this particular context is no.
- Thank you for bravely teaching us
something about the machine.
- Yes, thank you.
- I'm like freaking out.
- Tao, do you ever talk in your sleep?
- I also am very uncomfortable.
I do talk in my sleep, and I know it
because I've recorded myself.
There's an app and you put it underneath your pillow,
and it constantly records, but when it hits
a certain noise threshold. - Yeah.
- It will actually record that snippet for you.
- Machine?
- How does the machine claim to know things
that even its creator does not know?
- That is a really good question, Brennan.
- Do I get any points for both hating
and loving the machine?
- Do you snore?
- I have snored.
- Jess, do you snore?
- I'm so... Yes, I snore!
- Tao, do you snore?
- Yes, I snore also.
- Brennan, do you floss?
- Yes, extremely regularly.
Two of my teeth are fake, fully fake,
and I fucked up my teeth when I was younger,
so I make a point to floss every day,
and I also use a fluoride mouthwash.
- Jess! Do you floss?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah, I used the flossy things,
I feel bad because it's probably extra plastic,
do I do it all the time?
No.
Is my dentist gonna watch this?
Probably not.
What do you think, machine, do I get 20 points?
- Whoa. The machine is sassy.
- I think this machine hates women.
- You can't tell me.
- Tao, do you floss?
- Yes, I do.
- What?
- I floss. I've been on an upswing recently, so...
- Oh.
- I'm gonna say at least twice a week.
- Oh!
- Twice a week!
- You're not a flosser, Tao.
- He thought you meant the dance,
which he does every day. - I do every day.
Also, I—
- How does it know that?
I don't do the floss dance every day.
- How did it know it?
- Brennan, have you ever shoplifted?
- Yes.
You're goddamn right I did.
- Wow!
For a bonus point, do you care to elaborate?
- When I was working at my old summer camp,
we had to do a production run to Walmart,
and I walked out of the store drinking a bottle
off Coca-Cola that I did not pay for.
- That's it?
- Jess, have you ever shoplifted?
- Yes, I have shoplifted.
We were at the Amish market.
- Oh my God!
- And they selling, I don't if people remember
pogs and slammers.
- What?
- But I saw this golden slammer in like this case,
and my mom said I couldn't have it,
so I took it.
- You stole a pog from the Amish?
- I stole the slammer from the Amish, yes.
- Tao, have you ever shoplifted?
- Oh yeah.
And probably the most recent.
I think I regularly shoplifted until I was like 25.
26?
- Wow!
- All the time. All the time.
- Like what sort of things did you shoplift?
- Well, I just shoplifted recently at Whole Foods,
when there was a thing of basil in my bag
that I didn't take out.
I went, "Yeah, whatever, I'll just walk out with this."
- Wow!
I honestly did not anticipate that you
would all be as shameless as you clearly are.
- Shoplifting from a large corporation
is barely shoplifting in my opinion.
- Oh!
- Brennan, have you ever peed in a public pool?
- Yes.
I peed in the pool, because someone said,
"It changes colors if you pee in it."
- You wanted to test it out.
- It was scientific inquiry.
- Jess, have you ever peed in public pool?
- I think I've peed in every pool I've been in.
Everyone's peeing in the pool, anyway.
Oh, excuse me!
- Tao, have you ever peed in a public pool?
- I
urinate
in pools.
- Brennan, do some movies and tv shows make you cry?
- Yes.
Nothing makes me cry more than a character
that is putting a brave face on a terrible situation.
- The vulnerability you've shared with us here today,
it should just be one extra point.
I just want to be clear.
Just the one.
Jess, do you ever cry at movies or tv shows?
- Oh, commercials, yes, everything.
Yes. I'm a big crier.
I'm watching some really crappy British dating show,
and the girls went to casa amore,
and the boys stayed home, and they had the opportunity
to couple up with other people,
and Molly-Mae came back and saw
that Tommy hadn't coupled up with anyone,
and she started crying, and I started crying.
- Tao? - Yes.
I cry specifically, much like Brennan, to a specific thing.
When a group of people come together for a common cause.
Like the scene in Spiderman 2, when the New Yorkers
are like, "You wanna get to him, you gotta get through us."
To Doc Ock, that makes me cry.
- Players, it's time for a mini-game.
You understand the mechanic of our game now.
It is based on this lie detector.
- The contestants have figured out
all of the things to do with the machine.
- I'm gonna rephrase that ever so slightly.
- Yeah.
- The contestants have figured out
everything there is to know about the machine.
- Ooh.
- Always keep 'em wanting more, machine.
- Jess, you are flirting with this machine.
- Machine, do you think I'm flirting with you?
Oh, you wish.
- What I would like to ask from each of you
is a confession.
Something personal about yourselves
that you would like to feed into the machine.
Once you do, I will assign it
a one through five juiciness rating.
- Oh!
- Oh my god.
- And you will receive those number of points
if it's true.
- Okay, the bed
that I lost my virginity in,
in a one night stand,
when I was 16 years old,
is the same bed I was later cuckolded in,
in my longest, at the time, relationship.
- Holy shit!
That's gotta be worth, I don't know
what's worth five points if that's not worth five points.
Machine, can you tell me, is that true?
- There is no corner of my heart I would not turn over
to the world for five points.
- Jess.
- I'll just say I've had multiple threesomes.
- Oh yeah, no, totally.
That's totally worth five points.
- What do you think about that, machine?
- Absolutely, machine?
Wow!
- There you go.
- Tao, was there anything that you'd like to confess
into the machine?
- Yeah.
One time walking home
from a friend's house to my dorm,
I fully shit myself.
On the way back, and I was walking with my friends, too,
so I was like, I'm gonna walk ahead,
and I discarded my pants on the street.
- Where on the street?
- Like three blocks away from the house.
- Wait, you discarded your pants?
What happened to your underpants?
- I also discarded my underpants.
I was wearing a fleece—
- Full Pooh bear!
Oh my god!
- That's worth five points for sure.
Brennan, have you ever eaten food out of the trash?
- Yes.
- Jess?
- Yes. Yes.
- Tao?
- I have never taken food out of the trash and eaten it,
but I've definitely eaten food that should be trash.
Like a bad mango, you know, it's bad in certain parts,
and I just start eating around the bad parts,
and my girlfriend says, "Throw that away."
And I go, "There's good parts of the mango."
- Were there good parts of the mango?
- There were a couple bites.
- All right, that's fair.
Oh!
Brennan, how easily are you
able to tell left from right?
- Perhaps the best in the world?
Thank you.
- What, the best in the world?
- Yes.
- Jess?
- I can't. - You can't?
- I have a really hard time with my left and right.
If I do this, they both look like L's to me.
- Sure.
- When me and my fiance, Kate, are in the car,
I can't have her say make a left or a right,
it has to be a me or a you.
- Wait!
A me or a you, meaning what exactly?
- If it's a me, I go the direction that I am,
and if it's a you, I go the direction that Kate's sitting.
- There is a specific turn called a U-turn.
- We don't make those.
- Tao, can you tell your right from your left easily?
- I mean, left, right, yes.
- Brennan, are there any holes in your underwear?
- Yes, the factory that made it put
a hole in the front for my dick.
- No, that's not what I mean.
- Whoa, wait, what?
- Is it false or true, machine?
- Take the point away. Take the point away.
- No! No! That is incorrect!
I'm sorry, I did lie.
There's three more holes.
One for my torso and two more for my legs, motherfucker!
That's correct! You are not God! The machine is!
- Brennan, I should have specified.
Are there any holes in your underwear—
- This game is fucking rigged.
- From them being worn out?
- Oh sure, yes. I got a bunch of these Hanes ones
that weirdly have developed holes along the waistband.
- Jess, are there...
Are there holes in your underwear?
- There aren't holes in my underwear, but I do have it
where the elastic is very worn out of a lot of pairs.
- Tao, are there holes in your underwear?
- Yes, lots of them.
- Is this a boy thing?
- I think so.
A compromise that I made in my relationship
is I started to throw away
underwear that have a lot of holes in them.
- Brennan, have you ever slept through
a flight you were supposed to take?
- No. What am I made of money?
- Jess?
- Absolutely not, I'm there two hours in advance.
- Tao, you are looking a tad uncomfortable at the moment.
Have you ever slept through a flight?
- Yes, twice.
- I slept through the same flight twice.
- Wait, you mean what?
- You mean they rescheduled it and you slept... Tao!
No fucking way! That's crazy!
- Yes, I was supposed to move
out of my dorm, sophomore year, and I overslept,
wasn't gonna make it,
had to move my room out and stuff,
so I didn't make that flight.
Rescheduled for later in the afternoon.
When I got to the airport, I was so sleepy,
and the gate was so full, so I went two gates over,
and slept there.
And no one woke me up, because why would they?
- You slept through the flight at the airport?
- At the gate, yes. - Oh my god.
- Brennan, have you ever tried to get a nickname?
- I've never taken active steps to get a nickname,
but I have definitely been incredibly excited
to receive a nickname.
When I used to work as a camera PA
on Law & Order: Criminal Intent, my nickname on set
was Shanty or Sippy.
Sippy being an acronym for shanty Irish prick.
- Jess?
- I did. I wanted everyone to call me Ross,
which is my last name, and I thought,
"Ooh, a girl who's called Ross, pretty cool."
- Tao?
- Does it count when as a new immigrant to this country,
you go into class and you go,
"Everyone, instead of calling me Tao,
you can call me Paolo."
- I love the idea of you're like,
"Better take it easy on these crackers with Tao.
Let's do, I don't know,
What's the whitest name I can think of? Paolo!"
- Paolo, yes.
And I talked with an Italian chef's kiss.
- Brennan? - Yeah?
- Do you ever space out just thinking about swords?
- Oh yeah, yes, correct. All the time.
A sword holds a unique place in the history of weaponry.
Unlike a lot of other weapons, a sword
was a symbol of status in almost every culture—
- I'm really going to have to cut you off
at a certain point.
- Oh, gotcha.
- Jess, where's your engagement ring?
- Oh my God! I can't believe I'm getting called out.
I left it on the sink in the bathroom,
and I don't like to get it wet.
And now I don't have it.
- Oh no. - Is this a part of the show,
or am I just getting called out?
I thought I was gonna get the sword one, too.
- Tao, are there any photos of your bare butt on your phone?
- Yes. Recently.
One of the pieces of underwear I was wearing
had such a big hole in it that
I just comically ripped it in bed,
and then me and my girlfriend took photos
of my butt out with this underwear.
- Players, it's time for the next mini-game.
This time we're gonna flip the script
from mini-game number one.
I want to hear wholesome things about you.
Things that present you in a positive light.
Brennan, we will start with you.
- This sucks. I don't...
because it's forcing you to brag, right?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- I take vacation time off of work,
and instead of going to vacation,
I go to work more a different other place,
which is the summer camp.
And the past couple years, I donate my salary
to the fund that sends financially needy kids to camp.
- I'm gonna give you the full five points.
- Jess, can you tell me anything nice about yourself?
- I can. I spent a lot of my life,
especially my younger years in school,
not feeling great about myself.
I felt like I wasn't pretty enough.
I was too tall.
I wasn't smart enough.
And now that I'm older, I'm so proud of myself
that I have let I have let a lot of that go,
that I genuinely like myself,
and that I'm allowed to say that out loud.
It doesn't bother me at all.
I'm smart.
I write good sketches.
I got a great ass.
Yeah, you know it, machine!
You know it!
- I'm literally tearing up.
Yeah, that's the full five points for you, Jess, for sure.
- Does the machine seconding Jess's great ass comment
constitute workplace sexual harassment?
- No.
- That's not really for you to decide, machine.
- That's not your call. I'm getting HR.
Wait, it's not even human resources.
- Machine resources.
- It's Robot resources!
- Yeah, we need IT and HR to team up.
- Tao?
- I like to think of myself as someone who can do
nice things for people without needing it
to even be recognized.
Lots of small examples, letting people like
go ahead in front of me in a line for a bathroom.
They really need to go.
Things like that.
- Okay, it didn't make me want to burst into tears.
- Yes.
- So I will give that a three.
- Wow.
Players, the truth is that I have been lying to you
about this lie detector.
Obviously, this technology doesn't exist per se.
It is, in fact, human-powered.
We've been working with a team of scientists on this
for weeks now, and in order to give them credit,
I'd like to introduce you to those scientists now.
Scientists?
- You liar!
Oh my God!
- Oh my God!
What the fuck is happening?
- What? What?
- Your significant others have been
in control of this lie detector the whole time.
- I trust my partner implicitly.
- And you shouldn't.
- You said you wanted to go to the gym early in the morning.
- Is that so unbelievable, Tao?
- That's how you knew I didn't have my ring on.
- Do you want it?
- Yes, Kate has Jess's ring.
- Do you wanna marry me?
- Oh, are you proposing?
- Jess, all this time you were flirting with a machine.
- Ooh!
- Nice ass.
- This is a profound betrayal.
- So the game dynamic in round three
is going to change.
- Oh my God.
- I am going to ask a true or false statement
about our players.
If they're about you, you don't get to play.
The other players have to decide
whether or not what I'm saying is true or false.
Now, the more you're face betrays you,
the better your competition stands to do.
Jess and Tao,
Brennan has had the majority of his belongings
since he was a teenager.
- I think that's super true.
He's into all nerd shit, and you get that when you're 12.
- It gives a lot of weight to items that he owns.
- I think it's true.
- I think it's also true.
- Izzy, is that true?
- Yay! - Yes, it is.
- He feels bad for the things,
so wants to continue using them,
so they feel like they're important.
- So that's points for Jess and Tao.
Brennan and Tao,
more than any other show,
Jess watches The Bachelor.
- That doesn't ring true to me.
- I say that Kate would rather
celebrate something about Jess than attempt
to stump me and Tao, I say this is true.
- I'll go false.
- That is false.
That is a point for Tao.
In fact, I understand that Jess watches a lot of Shark Tank.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- I'm always in the tank.
- Brennan and Jess.
Tao's sideburns get sweaty
when he eats sriracha.
- 100% true. - That's so true.
- It is true.
- The real problem is after.
- Yeah, I didn't turn that fact in.
- When you're rushing home.
- That explains the hole in the underwear.
- Yes.
- It's the blast zone.
- Jess and Tao.
Brennan, more than anything else in the world,
wants to be a renowned dungeon master.
- I don't think that's what he wants more
than anything else in the world.
- I also, yeah, I think that is false.
- It is false.
- Brennan wants more than anything in the world
to be a dad.
- Daddy?
- Brennan and Tao,
Jess calls Mario Kart,
Mario Race Cars.
- I think this is false.
I think Jess calls it Mary O'Cart.
- We'll leave pronunciation out of this particular question.
- Okay, then I think this is true.
- I also will say this is true.
- It is.
- She probably does call it Mary O's Cars.
- Mary O Race Cars.
- Kate, what does she call the Super Nintendo?
- She calls it the purple and gray system.
Or the purple and gray Nintendo.
- Brennan and Jess.
When Tao was young, he actively tried
to get his friends' parents to like him
more than their own children.
- I think that's true.
- I will also say that it's true.
- I needed their approval.
- Like, call me Paolo.
- Call me Paolo!
- Jess and Tao,
Brennan cries when old people are voted off
The Great British Baking Show.
- That is true.
That aligns with what he said makes him cry.
Which is people with a brave face during adverse times.
- I'll also say true.
- It is true!
- The old people should be allowed to stay.
- Brennan and Tao.
Jess's difficulties with left and right extend
to when she was small, when Dad drove more than Mom,
and so left was a Daddy and right was a Mommy.
- That is 100% true.
- I'll say true.
- It is true.
We are down to our last question,
and we have two players tied.
Brennan and Jess, final question of our game.
Tao often tell Alexis
he could get lost in her eyes.
- Alexis does have very lovely eyes.
I'm gonna say he does say it. It's true.
- So if I say true, best case scenario
is me and Jess tie for first place.
If I say false, one of the two of us wins.
I'll say it's true, too.
- No, Alexis.
- In fact Tao does not know what color my eyes are.
Asked me two days ago
after I'd already submitted answers for this,
and also yesterday asked me what color his own eyes were.
- Brennan and Jess, you have won Game Changer.
You each win dinner for two
at my favorite restaurant in Los Angeles,
I'm not allowed to say what it is for legal reasons,
but trust me, it is in fact my favorite.
- Is this for real?
- For real? - Yep.
Here's the thing.
We've embarrassed all three of you up here today.
And because it really doesn't matter
who wins or loses at this game,
I'm also gonna extend that invitation
to you.
I'm Sam Reich reminding you
that intimacy is nothing more than future blackmail.
Goodnight!