Yeah.
That went well.
All right, I got it. Stone.
All right, all right.
Hi, guys. Right, right there.
Malcolm Reynolds.
- You old son of a... come here! - Hey, Monty.
How you doing?
They didn't say you were picking up this leg.
Well, work's been a little slow lately, so I thought I'd do some smuggling.
- Where's that sorry-ass ship of yours? - Monty.
Two boats like ours, meeting on an empty rock like this?
That screams contraband to the Feds.
You forget the time you got pinched in Beylix?
Always thinking, ain't you? Smarts, that's what you got. Smarts.
Now, okay, wait. Something's different, something is, something is...
The beard! Oh, you shaved off your soup-catcher.
I thought you were gonna wear that thing to the grave.
Yeah, so did I, but she didn't much like my whiskers.
- She? - Oh! Bridget!
What the hell am I thinking? I gotta introduce you to the missus.
Monty!
You have fallen from our noble bachelor ranks?
I wasn't looking to, but she just sort of swept me off my feet. Bridget!
Well, she must be a rare specimen indeed.
Yeah. It don't begin to cover it.
Mal, I want you to meet my Bridget.
So...
you guys have met.
Mal, why you got a piece trained on my wife?
- She ain't your wife, Monty. - Huh?
- I married her, didn't I? - You ain't the only one.
Bridget!
Mal.
Bridget. Hey! Quit it, you two!
Here, now. Knock it off.
Damn it, that's enough!
What the hell is going on here? What do you mean, she ain't my wife?
She ain't your wife, she's married to me!
- Don't listen to him. - It's true.
About half a year back, at the Triumph settlement.
Only it wasn't Bridget then, it was Saffron.
She hitched me, got on my ship and tried to steal it out from under me!
She is cold as ice and dead crazy on top of it.
You're a liar, Malcolm Reynolds.
Now, I ain't never got to telling you his name.
Hell. Fine, be like that.
Damn you, Bridget! Damn you to Hades!
You broke my heart in a million pieces.
You made me love you and then you...
I shaved off my beard for you, devil woman!
You're gonna want to pull your claw out of that bag nice and slow.
Relax. I'm not going for a gun or anything.
Just freshening up.
You and lipstick are a dangerous combination, if I recall.
Turn around.
Oh, yeah, just like old times.
We don't have any old times.
I just don't want you pulling a pistol out of...
of anywhere.
You missed a spot.
Can't miss a place you've never been.
Marriage is hard work, Mal. I know it.
That doesn't mean we should just give up.
We've had our spats, maybe I made some bad decisions along the way...
Oh, you are a tweaked one, you are.
But face it, hubby, I'm really hot.
- Start walking. - Walking? Walking where?
Pick a direction, just don't turn around.
Come on, Mal.
This is my scrap of nowhere. You go on, find your own.
You can't leave me here on this lifeless piece of crap moon.
- I can. - I'll die.
Well, as a courtesy...
you might start on that, because this chatter ain't doing me any kindness.
Why don't you just go ahead and shoot me then?
I don't know.
Why didn't you shoot me?
Back when I took my eyes off you for a split?
I'm ashamed to say it, but I gave you the window.
You and Monty fought in the war together, right?
Yeah, I smelled that.
The war buddy bond's tough to crack.
I knew if I shot you, I'd lose Monty anyways.
You just had a better hand of cards this time.
It ain't a hand of cards. It's called a life.
Seriously, Mal, you gotta give me a ride.
- You are completely off your nut. - I won't make trouble.
You can stick me in a crate, just don't leave me here...
This was all your fault. I had the perfect crime lined up.
You were gonna steal a man's beard.
A million square job. The big time.
I was gonna cut Monty and his crew in, but you screwed that.
Odd, but I don't think I'll be losing any sleep over it.
I've got the layout, entrance codes.
- Believe me, this practically robs itself. - Bye-bye, now.
I'm handing you a fortune on a platter. Don't you want to hear the details?
Whoa, cap. Don't tell me you got into a fight with Monty.
Oh, really? But I thought we loved Monty.
We love Monty, don't we?
If he had a tussle with that sasquatch, we'd all be in the dirt right now...
scooping up the captain's teeth, ain't that so, sir?
I don't really want to talk about it.
We got work to do. Let's shut up and do it.
Inara was asking for you, wanted...
So later with the talking then.
- Hear you're looking for me? - I was. Care to sit?
I was hoping we could talk a little business.
- Would you like some tea? - Okay.
- What's your game? - I offered you tea.
After inviting me here of your own free will.
Which makes two events without precedent.
Which makes me more than a little skittish.
- Mal, if we can't be civilized and talk... - I'm plenty civilized.
- You're using wiles on me. - I'm using what?
Your feminine wiles.
Your companion training, or some might say...
uncanny ability to make a man sweaty and/or compliant...
which I've had enough of today.
- Maybe this isn't the best time. - No, no, this is a fine time.
You just talk plainly, is all.
I'm not sleeping with you, Mal.
Uh, no, I think I would have noticed. I think my keenly trained senses...
You're not my lover, nor are you my mother, my house mistress...
nor anyone who has any say on how I conduct my affairs.
- Well enough. So? - So let me conduct my affairs.
- Who's keeping you...? - I've had no one in weeks.
Backwater moons, slums...
frontier planets without even a temple built.
- We go where the work is. - There's all kinds of work, Mal.
And ours is the kind that gets you shut down by the Alliance.
I opt to stay off the radar.
There are many worlds where we can both work.
We used to visit them, remember?
Are you saying I'm doing this deliberate? On account of you?
That there's some reason I want you off the job?
Is there?
This is one of the crazier things I've heard today.
And when I tell you about the rest of my day, you...
I'm not accusing you of anything...
No, let's set a course for the planet of the lonely, rich, yet hygienic, man.
We can park there for a month.
Not all of your work is illegal. And the best...
- You wanna keep me off the job? - Your best job was on a central planet.
I stay out of your whoring.
- That didn't take long. - Keep out of my thieving.
I know my job very well, thank you.
Right, you're a criminal mastermind.
What was the last cargo we snuck past the Alliance to transport?
- That was... - What was the cargo?
- They were dolls. - Geisha dolls with heads that wobbled.
Hey, people love those!
And what exactly was our net profit on the famous wobbly-headed doll caper?
Our cut? So you're in the gang now.
Since I can't find work as a companion, I might as well be a petty thief like you.
Petty?
- I didn't mean petty. - What did you mean?
That's Chinese for "petty".
No, that's a narrow...
- There are nuances of meaning that... - You should've stuck with your wiles.
Don't put all of this on me, Mal.
You know you haven't been after serious work in...
Serious work?
You want to know if...
What?
Nothing.
All right. Tell me more about this job of yours.
The mark's name is Duren Hamer.
He may be one of the biggest collectors of Earth-that-was artifacts in the 'verse.
Guy's got warehouses full of stuff.
But his prize piece is sitting in his parlor.
An antiquity of unspeakable value. The Lassiter.
The original hand-held laser pistol.
One of only two known to still exist.
The forerunner of all modern laser technology.
Hamer got lucky, picked it up during the war for nothing.
But it wasn't just luck. Tell them.
Hamer's Alliance.
Bio-weapons expert during the war.
He'd target areas with valuables...
wipe out every living soul without damaging the goods...
go in, take whatever he wanted.
Now he's living fat on a private estate on Bellerophon.
I've managed to get ahold of his schedule for the next 18 months...
a layout of the estate grounds and every security code for the place.
Saffron has a notion we can walk in, take the Lassiter right off his shelf.
I'm confused.
You're asking, if I've got security codes, why don't I grab it for myself?
No, actually...
I was wondering...
what's she doing on the ship? Didn't she try to kill us?
Please. Nobody died last time.
We're in space.
- How'd she get here? - She hitched.
I don't recall pulling over.
The point is, this ain't no wobbly-headed doll caper, this here's history.
Okay, I got a question.
If she's got security codes, why don't she just go in and grab it herself?
Good point.
Getting in the door and putting our hands on the Lassiter is easy.
Getting out's the tricky part.
It's tagged and coded.
Second it passes through the door, alarms, security, Feds.
This isn't a one-woman operation.
- To do this right, I'm gonna need... - Idiots.
- Partners. - Dupes.
That's what you'll all be if you trust her.
Could be that's so.
Lord knows, ain't none of us here criminal masterminds.
So if you got something better, Inara, something not petty...
I would sure be willing to hear it.
So question remains:
How do we get the artifact out without setting off the alarms?
- This the layout? - Full blueprints of the grounds.
Could be we look hard enough, we'll find a way.
You dig into that, little Kaylee. Zoe?
You ain't said a word. Time to weigh in.
Take sounds ripe enough. Assuming we can fence it.
I know a guy on Persephone. Already has half a dozen buyers.
But Inara ain't wrong.
- She can't be trusted. - I ain't asking you to trust her.
- I'll be with her the whole time. - See there?
All you gotta do to be a rich woman, hon, is get over it.
Okay.
I'm in.
Captain says to stay put.
Doesn't want you to run afoul of his blushing psychotic bride.
She figures out who you are, she'll turn you in before you can say:
"Don't turn me in, lady".
This bounty on us just keeps getting more exciting.
Well, I wouldn't know.
She's a liar.
That don't exactly set her apart from the rest of us.
Plunder sounds fun enough.
She's a liar, and no good will come of her.
Well, as a rule, I say, girlfolk ain't to be trusted.
Jayne is a girl's name.
Well, Jayne ain't a girl!
She starts in on that girl's name thing, I'll show her I got man parts.
I'm trying to think of a way for you to be cruder, I just...
It's not coming.
I was gonna leave you a deck of cards.
Great.
Another exciting adventure in sitting.
Afraid.
We'll be okay.
Why the captain is trusting that...
Not her. Jayne.
Afraid?
Since when?
Since Ariel.
Afraid we'll know.
We should be on Bellerophon by 06.
- I figure the job should... - I don't want to know.
Least it's your kind of world.
- Got appointments? - We hit, I'm gone.
I've booked a few choice clients to get my mind off Mal's descent into lunacy.
Zoe...
don't let Mal trust her. Everything Saffron is, is a lie.
She'll get the drop on him...
which, as far as I'm concerned, is what he richly deserves.
I ain't saying it ain't risky.
Don't count Mal out, though.
- He knows the estate... - No details.
I meant that. Just be careful.
See you when we're wealthy.
Hey.
You give me a hand in here.
No wandering about, remember? Or I'll stick you back in your crate.
Bellerophon Estates. Home to the rich and paranoid.
Gracious living, ocean views and state of the art security.
Including local patrols and multi-code keys needed at all entrances and exits.
- Which we have. - Right.
You and Mal will split off in shuttle two as we make our approach.
There's a landing port just south of the main house.
Prepare for landing.
You ready?
Ready.
Hamer's throwing a party this weekend, so...
you should have no trouble blending in with the hired help that'll be setting up.
All you gotta do is get through the back door.
That shouldn't be a problem, unless someone has been less than truthful.
The parlor with the Lassiter is on the ninth floor.
You'll have to disable the display. Won't be any trouble.
Once you get the goods in your hands, you can't take it out the front door.
Nor the back door, nor any door. Every piece is tagged for the scanners.
So, what do we do?
- You wanna tell them? - It was your genius idea.
You chuck it in the garbage.
All the estates on Bellerophon use this automated garbage drone system.
You hit one little button, and the drone whooshes off with the trash.
Brilliant.
- Thanks. - Except it's idiotic.
The drones take the disposal bins straight to reclamation.
Thirty seconds after we hit the button, the booty will be incinerated.
Not if we reprogram the bin.
Give it new coordinates.
Once I override the standard guidance protocol...
I can tell that disposal bin to go wherever we want.
- And where would that be? - The loneliest piece of desert we find.
Here, Isis Canyon.
The drone dumps the bin, we claim the goods when we're all together again.
And how do you plan to get to the bin to reprogram it?
You get to the loot, and we'll get to the bin.
All right, we're planted! Take her up!
That's good, that's good!
Hold her steady!
Hold her there!
Clear.
Which way?
Right.
This should be it.
- Let's get to work. - Yeah.
Okay, she's set.
Be careful, it's hot.
Gorram it, Wash. Hold her steady!
Sorry.
- Jayne, the dynoram's live. - What?
The dynoram, don't touch... Oh, no! Whoa!
- Where's the trash chute? - In the vestibule.
Wait. Shh!
Someone's coming.
You!
You found her.
You brought back my wife.
Oh, my dear.
My own sweet Yolanda.
Yolanda?
This boy weighs a solid ton.
Doctor, you got yourself a patient to see to.
Yes.
I'll take care of it.
I thought I'd never see you again.
Forgive me, I don't mean to make a show.
- Please, I'm the one who's intruding. - Not at all.
I owe you a great debt of thanks.
- I just gave the lady a lift. - No. You've done much more than that.
You've returned to me the only thing I truly treasure.
Well, then this is a day I'll feel good to be me.
- Do I owe you any reward? - No.
- Our trip weren't even out of our way. - I promised him 800 square.
- No, but we never agreed and... - Please.
I'd be embarrassed not to make some recompense.
In my study I... Well, are you hungry?
You both look so tired. There's food or...
- Yolanda, I'm babbling like a moon brain. - Hush.
We'll both have plenty to say by nightfall.
- Six years. - Is that all?
- From the day they found your shuttle. - They set on me at Parth.
These awful men.
That wasn't me. I didn't know those men.
They said they wanted ransom, but...
they sold me to slavers.
- Also unknown to me. - When you left, I thought...
Well, you disappeared the same day as Heinrich.
- Heinrich? - The security programmer.
And he was young and I saw you two talking and I thought...
But after they found his body...
They killed Heinrich?
I guess he wasn't useful anymore.
- I never stopped looking. - I knew you wouldn't.
That's the thought that kept me alive.
We have so much time to make up.
Well, that's my cue to skedaddle.
Let me get your money.
You won't disappear again?
Never.
We gotta move fast.
Yeah, he might come back and hug us in the act.
You don't know him. He's everything I said he was.
Oh, yeah, he's a killer of men. Why, I'll bet he even eats up babies.
You're wasting time.
Let us take a breath here, Yolanda.
We're sneaking into a place you could walk into welcome as glad news.
What's the math on that?
You not adding that Hamer would as soon cut your throat as...
- You would? - If possible.
Nope, that ain't it at all.
You would've knocked him in the brain were that the case.
You don't want him to know the truth.
Unlike all the other, I'm gonna go with hundreds, of men you've married...
you actually want this one to think well of you when you've gone.
My God, could it be, I've actually met...
- ... your real husband? - Congratulations.
Anything else you want on your tombstone, you piece of crap?
Now I'm intruding.
This isn't what it looks like.
Unless it looks like we're stealing your priceless Lassiter, because...
that's what we're doing. Don't ask about the gun though, that's new.
Well, I appreciate your honesty.
Not, you know, a lot, but...
- You don't know what he's forced me... - Stop.
Yolanda, please, just stop.
Don't look at me like that.
I said, don't look at me like that!
Almost done.
I just gotta plug the interface strike plate in and...
That's a pickup call.
How we doing?
I can't reach it.
Wash, we need more altitude. Now!
Working on it, dear.
Kaylee.
Kaylee, Kaylee, Kaylee, Kaylee, Kaylee.
Okay, got it!
Let's not get worked up.
Are you really so naive? Do you think your life is anything to me?
All right.
No one's killing any folk today on account of we got a tight schedule.
Yo-Saf-Bridge, we'll get on about our... Drop it, now!
Did you think I was a princess?
That I would stay locked up here in the tower?
With you?
- I hoped. - You're a rutting fool.
- We're in. Go! Go! - Copy that.
You wanna finish the job? Because we're short on minutes.
- I'm sorry. - How long have you been with him?
- Oh, we are not together. - He's my husband.
Well, who in the damn galaxy ain't?
I feel so bad for you.
Bad for me?
I'm not the patsy being stole from.
If you had half a brain, you would've called the Feds the minute you saw me.
Oh, I did.
Emergency signal.
For kidnappings and the like.
I love you, Yolanda.
But I couldn't think for a second...
that you actually came here for me.
That would be them now.
Men.
Duren.
Peaches.
Just call them off. Tell them it was a mistake.
You need help, Yolanda.
I'll do anything you want me to.
You know how I can make you feel.
Please, you're embarrassing yourself.
I'm embarrassing? Who's the dupe on the floor?
I hate to bring up our imminent arrest during your crazy time, but we gotta go!
This is police responding to an emergency call. Request entry all points.
What're you doing?
Good security.
Show some identification.
Move.
Nope. Let's go.
That had to be tough.
Yeah, have yourself a great guffaw.
No, I mean it.
Six years, knowing he was holding treasures, you didn't move on him.
I gotta figure that's a job you told yourself you'd never take.
Till times got hard enough, then the one line you hadn't crossed...
My name's not Yolanda.
Never entered my mind it was.
I tried.
I actually tried.
I thought, this is a decent man.
- The genuine article. - A working man.
Struggling to get by with bare necessities on his private floating island.
Yeah, he had money.
I thought it would help. I thought if I had everything, I wouldn't want...
Heinrich, the security programmer.
You know, I'd forgotten his name.
Addressing the itch of curiousness...
you marry him too?
No.
I didn't kill him either.
No. I don't reckon there's many you killed.
Just put them in a position to die easy.
- I should've killed Duren. - Right.
The one guy who don't have it coming.
The man who knows you, still loves you, treachery and all.
Can't have him walking about.
You must be loving this.
A little bit.
I've seen you without your clothes on before.
Never thought I'd see you naked.
Can people ever change?
Depends on the person.
I'm guessing...
the pain of this fades away, you'll just go back to being what you are.
What is that?
A brilliant...
beautiful...
evil double-crossing snake.
Cheer up, weepy. You made yourself a boatload of hard cash today.
You can question the meaning of life on a floating island of your own for a while.
You won't tell anyone about me breaking down?
I won't.
Then I won't tell anyone how easily I got your gun out of your holster.
I'll take that as a kindness.
You just may be the most gullible fool I ever marked.
And that makes you special.
Well, you can riddle me with holes, Yolanda...
but I just saw the truth. - I played you from minute one.
Well, you got me at barrel's end. Who am I to argue?
What's your move?
We'll be setting down in the desert, leave you to set a spell.
Oh, and speaking of naked...
No, now, that's just low.
Kind of evens things out though, don't you think?
Pants.
I really don't see the benefit to this.
However I may slip, you're not gonna catch my crew with their trousers down.
- I can't turn. - What?
Can't turn. Not getting any tug from the aft alternator.
That don't make no sense. Unless...
Yep.
The filament on the grav-dampener's stripped.
Who could've done that?
I can fix it, but she put a timer on the motivator and wet-wired the damp...
What does it mean, Kaylee?
We ain't gonna make the rendezvous. We have to land. Now.
No! No! Dirty, dirty whore!
Yeah, you better run!
God, where is it?
Ugh! It's not here.
Looking for this?
I wonder if it works.
Oh, well, it's still worth a fortune. Anyway, this works fine.
- Honey, you look horrific. - What are you doing here?
- Oh, just my part of the job. - What part of the job?
You know. I put on the big act, storm away in a huff.
Then fly off, wait for you to double-cross Mal, beat you to the spot...
and grab the loot before you can get to it. What?
You didn't see it coming?
I'm a little disappointed.
Some of the performances weren't as nuanced as they could have been.
I thought they might have tipped that we were playing you from the beginning.
Oh, well. Guess not.
No, you can't do this!
You're not gonna die, you big baby.
The authorities will be here in a few hours to dig you out.
You can't. I have a condition!
What going on?
You got knocked out.
Did we get a payoff?
Did we get the money?
Can you move your arms and legs?
They're not moving.
Do you wanna know why?
Your spine. You hit it pretty hard when you fell.
- Spine? - Yes.
I gave you something to stop your motor functions so you wouldn't wrench it.
Should wear off in a half an hour.
You'll just be bruised.
Spine okay?
How much did they offer you to sell out me and River on Ariel?
That's crazy talk.
Then let's talk crazy.
How much?
Anybody there?
Anybody else?
You're in a dangerous line of work, Jayne.
Odds are you'll be under my knife again. Often.
So I want you to understand one thing very clearly.
No matter what you do or say or plot...
no matter how you come down on us...
I will never, ever harm you.
You're on this table, you're safe.
Because I'm your medic.
And however little we may like or trust each other...
we're on the same crew.
Got the same troubles, same enemies, and more than enough of both.
We could circle each other and growl, sleep with one eye open...
but that thought wearies me.
I don't care what you've done...
I don't know what you're planning on doing, but I'm trusting you.
I think you should do the same.
Because I don't see this working any other way.
Also...
I can kill you with my brain.
Yeah.
That went well.
- You call this going well? - We got the loot, didn't we?
- Yes, but... - Then I call it a win.
What's the problem?
Should I start with you being stranded or you having no clothes?
- All according to plan. - Really?
I thought the plan was me being a fail-safe in case everything went wrong.
Like if Saffron disabled Serenity and left you for dead.
Nonsense. You had a key role to play in this.
How sad would you have been if you hadn't gotten to play it?
- Heartbroken. - See? All according to plan.
Wash, take us out of the world.
Zoe, contact Brennert and Ellison.
See if they'd be interested in fencing a priceless artifact for us.
What?
Good work, captain.
Thank you, Kaylee.
Good day.