Next item is Friday's alumni dance. How's that progressing?
I've e-mailed every former student who's not in prison or jail.
Remember there's a difference. Our alumni are touchy about that.
- What's the difference? - You go to jail if a cop doesn't like you.
They can't send you to prison without knowing you're poor.
- Do you believe half your own politics? - Yeah.
- I'm still trying to find a good DJ.
By which I mean figure out what makes a DJ good. Or bad.
Or different from a phone or laptop.
How's the PowerPoint for the city council meeting?
Good question.
When you asked if I knew PowerPoint, I said:
"Yes." But what did I really mean?
These are yeses and nos in a chart.
They appear to be the same, however...
I think you'll find...
that within some eggs...
is the truth.
That should've been a dollar bill. But I'm no magician.
I'm just a guy that knows PowerPoint.
Okay, pushing that meeting.
In other news, campuses across the country, including this area...
have been seeing a dramatic rise in guerilla marketing.
Why? They're amazing.
- It's "guerilla" with a U. - Got it.
Undercover advertisers that blend in with the public...
while covertly marketing certain products.
They can advertise things without you knowing?
Is that legal? It sounds like brain-Windexing.
It is legal and mostly harmless.
But I'd like to protect some of our more impressionable students...
from being unduly influenced.
So if you see anything, let the dean know.
Okay, don't freak out. Someone just told me that Honda has released...
some kind of super vehicle called the Honda Fit.
It's a small car with a big personality that can handle...
anything life throws at you. Why am I standing here talking about it?
I have to find a Honda dealer. School is canceled.
The Honda Fit, it's happening. It's finally happening.
I'm gonna give the school's assets a quick freezie-weezie.
- Is this meeting over? - I think so.
But sometimes we just hang out and say funny stuff.
- Have fun with that. - Oh...
Guys...
do you feel like Elroy doesn't like us
as much as we like him and each other?
He probably doesn't know his role yet.
Is he Black Pierce? Old Troy? Or Shirley Without a Giant Purse?
I haven't been entertaining since Troy left.
- Not true. - You're amazing.
It's not just me. You've been boring too.
What was so special about this Troy person?
Did he own a rainbow?
Was he the group's pharmacist?
- We don't like to talk about it. - But you often do.
I'm a problem solver. Give me information.
I'll handle this.
Troy was very gifted at steel drums.
Steel drums.
Interesting.
Well, this has been a great meeting. I'm off.
That won't pay off immediately, but it's gonna pay off.
And that, Jeff, is the truth.
Did you lose the egg you put the dollar bill in?
That's how it works?
Britta, remember that guy you were in love with...
but your love was torn asunder because...
he was the human incarnation of a certain sandwich franchise?
- Sub...? - Don't say it. Don't ever say that name...
without compensation.
I know how much that experience hurt you.
Which is why I'm warning you, I just saw him in the parking lot.
Breathe. The self-destructive part of you wants to run straight to him.
- We need to be smarter than that, right? - Right. Thank you, Annie.
Now, I have one more class, but if you can wait...
40 minutes, I will meet you...
No.
I don't just fling myself into the wild.
The hub of a quality camping experience...
is a safe and reliable generator.
Uh... You know what? Um, I'll talk to you girls later, all right?
Stay inventive and enthusiastic.
Thank you.
- Britta. - Sub...
No, no, no. That's my sandwich name. I'm my own man, now.
I'm a free, reliable, quality man...
named Rick. - Hi, Rick.
- Unh! - That's for half of my heart.
- Ah! - And that's for the other half.
And this is for being the reason there's two halves of my heart.
Can you crouch down? You're taller than my instructor.
- I'm only a yellow belt. - No. It took me this long...
to gain my freedom. I never stopped thinking about you.
- You touched me in ways no one has. - Nice.
- I came back for you. - You did?
Hey, Rick. Look what I got. Ha!
- Ho, ho! Great, dean. - Yeah. He, he.
But, uh, where's your Honda Fit?
Oh, I drive a CR-V. The Fit combines the efficiency of a subcompact...
with the versatility to take what life throws at it.
Yeah, that's what you said. That's me.
Can the CR-V not take what life throws at it?
Yeah, but the CR-V adds durability and storage.
Okay. That makes sense.
I bet my bank has a grace period.
I'm going to get a CR-V.
Dean, Dean.
- Are you guerilla marketing for Honda? - Shh!
You're not allowed to know that. I'm useless to Honda if anyone knows.
Unbelievable. It's the same story all over again.
I disagree. I think it's a whole new story.
I have a beard now and an identity.
Selling Hondas is just my job. And they make great products...
that I'd wanna sell anyway. - So can you have a girlfriend?
That's what I thought.
Then see you around. As a friend.
As a friend, Britta...
can I at least show you the CR-V's easy fold-down 60/40 split-rear seat?
For 15 minutes.
Then friends for real.
- Great news. - The steel-drum thing paid off?
We invited Elroy to meet us in the study room for a game night.
- He said yes. - Yah!
Gonna play Pretty Please Will You Like Us More? That'll warm him up.
In celebration of Elroy's life peaking The Ears Have it.
The classic game of whose ears you have...
which ears have it and whether you have those ears.
We're work-shopping new handshakes.
You realize you're just reinforcing his aloofness?
You want someone to like you, don't get to know them.
Sit back, wait for them to notice you're cool.
- Are you 13? - What's the age on The Ears Have It?
- Seven and up. - Then I'm 6.
Ugh.
I will say you've become more reliable and durable.
I hope we can do this again.
No, Rick. I want a normal relationship.
I want to experience brunch in public.
I want a non-financial reason to text my parents.
I wanna tell another person how to dress.
We can have a relationship. We just have to follow a few rules.
- Rick? Are you in there? - You have to hide.
The windows are fogged over. Are you napping heavily?
- I can't hide forever. - No, but you can hide in comfort.
There's 35.2 cubic feet of cargo space back here.
Please, Britta?
Damn it. Ugh.
Ah! Ha-ha-ha.
Come on, come on, come on.
Ta-da!
Why choose when you can Hond-oose?
Oh, and that blower, that was just an impulse buy.
Wow, dean, you know, one vehicle's enough for one person.
I guess I know that in my head, but I can't shake this fear...
of losing even one small part of what Honda has to offer.
My God. You're a Level 7 Susceptible.
- A what? - Uh, nothing. Nothing, I...
Look, Rick, whatever that is, you can tell me.
I'm on board.
Yes.
- Yes, you are. Heh. - Heh, oh...
- Am I found in Africa? - Yes.
And San Diego and the Bronx.
- A woman? - Am I large?
- Am I an elephant? - Yaaahh!
I was thinking dolphin, but I knew they didn't have ears.
Because my dentist has a poster of one on the ceiling...
- ... and I recently had a root canal. Ha-ha-ha!
- I could hear you down the hall. - We're playing The Ears Have It!
- Chang's ahead. - With an asterisk.
- I'm cheating. - You can have my spot. I should leave.
Whoa, no. Well, fun hanging out with you, Elroy.
We know you have your choice of friends...
and we thank you for choosing us. - Easy choice to make.
See? Told you.
"Elroy doesn't like us. What are we gonna do?"
You guys are goofs.
- Yeah, we were silly. - I got up to make nachos and Elroy said:
"That was 'not your' job," and we laughed. Eh-he.
Then he made them for me.
It was more than wordplay. It really wasn't my job in his eyes.
I hadn't seen that side of him until now. He had a great time.
- Till Jeff showed up. Ha-ha-ha! - Maybe he just doesn't like Jeff.
Okay, my deal. Boston rules. Two up, one down.
Elf ears are wild, joker ears are regular. Ears go cold once off the head.
Rat ears, an automatic loss. No peeking, sniffing or grunting.
No asking, "Do I have lobes?" Chang's ahead.
- With an asterisk. - It's not true.
It is. I cheat at everything. I'm cheating at hide-and-seek right now.
We weren't supposed to leave the rec center. Okay, let's do this.
Extra cards.
Stupid sink!
Every time!
Mother...
I hate... Ugh!
- Oh. - No rush.
Hi.
What do you need?
A club soda, please.
How about something to keep it company?
- What do you recommend? - Well, Scotch and soda is a classic.
This one's okay.
We just got this one in. It's got a pig on the bottle.
But this one, this one's really good.
It's aged eight years, smoky, from Scotland.
A little pricier, but worth it.
I drink this one when I've got a reason to celebrate.
Well, then I will take that one.
- I've got something to celebrate. - Yeah? What's that?
She's good.
What are you doing here?
Britta, this is my boss.
From Honda?
In public, you'll refer to us as "Hilary" from now on. Continue.
There's a program we can be in where we covertly market as a team.
We can be a couple, in a relationship, in public.
We can walk down the street holding hands.
If I take a job tricking people into buying things they don't want.
Do you enjoy billboards and commercials, Miss Perry?
You mean shill-boards and con-mercials?
No, I don't.
I detest them.
They are unmanned bulldozers, rolling over anything in their path.
What Rick does is surgical.
He finds that part of each life that Honda can improve...
and gently bathes it in the most helpful information possible.
I don't think you understand how surgery works.
I came in here to get a club soda.
Right now I am drinking probably the best Scotch I've had in years.
Did you trick me?
Am I suffering?
Do you love this man?
- I do. - Then I pronounce you...
a highly influential couple.
You may kiss your boyfriend.
- Where'd he go? - That's not for us to understand.
Well, okay, but he's right there.
- Hi, Todd. - Hey, guys.
- Mind if we sit with you? - That'd be great.
I have to say, you guys seem very happy together.
Well, we have our moments.
I'm excited because we're going antiquing this weekend.
I love antiquing. Everything is so old.
- I like it too. - You said you hated it.
I hated finding these treasures and not being able to fit them in the car.
- Now I got CR-V. - CR-V?
Yeah, Rick's new Honda. He won't shut up about it.
- It's kind of a game changer. - It's certainly a sex-life changer.
Sorry. We're being obnoxious.
- So, what have you been up to? - I don't remember.
- CR-V, you say? - CR-V.
CR-V.
- You're amazing. - You're amazing.
Honda's amazing.
- I want you to meet my parents. - Yes.
Honda.
- Look, Britta's in love. - Yep.
He must be a very special young man.
I bet they'll be together for a very long time.
- Yeah, you got her pegged, man. Pegged. - Oh, ha-ha-ha!
- Oh, hey, Jeff. - Hey.
Hey. Here, you can have my seat.
- I was just going to class. - Before you go.
I know you have every one of Natalie is Freezing's CDs...
but Abed found some songs by them online...
that they did for a charity album for homeless skateboarders.
"Plastic Doll Parts," "Wallpaper Chrysalis."
"Weird Blanket." Ha, ha.
I never heard these. This is great. Thanks.
Hey, stay away from that mechanic.
Unless I need a wrench made of licorice.
Oh, man. I'm sorry. Inside joke.
I'm like a fart to that guy. He can't get away fast enough.
What? No.
I mean, maybe.
What happened at that Ears game that made him like you so much?
Brief moments of human vulnerability. Not your wheelhouse.
Oh, I'm sure you have detailed files on human vulnerability, Abed.
- Wha...? - Whoa, take a knee, man.
He's right, Jeff.
If you want Elroy to like you, maybe you need to put yourself out there.
You mean bribe him with gifts?
- Like your Natasha Freezes CD? - Mmmmm...
- Natalie is Freezing. - Ugh.
Natalie is Freezing. Ha!
Natalie is Freezing.
Natalie is Freezing. Natalie is Freezing. Natalie is Freezing.
What is this?
I don't know. I...
I don't know.
- Honda. - The power of dreams.
Dean Pelton, I know how susceptible you are to advertising.
Would you say I'm a Level 7 Susceptible?
No. Because why would I? Because that's moon-man talk.
You mentioned a new kid earlier who told you about the new Honda Fit.
- Rick. - Britta's boyfriend?
Yeah. But he's not... No.
He's a good man.
And he wouldn't secretly be working for Honda because when we first met...
he was secretly working for a completely different company.
Are you...? I don't know how to...
I have a rule about being constructive, so I can't ask any questions right now.
All the questions I have right now are rhetorical and end with the word "idiot."
Do you know what a rhetorical...? No, of course you don't, you're an idiot.
I'm sorry.
I am so sorry, but you're so stupid.
You have no idea. You're the only one who has no idea because guess why.
Don't answer that. You'll get it wrong.
Aw, so dumb. You're just a dumb little man...
who tries to destroy this school every minute...
I am sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Oh! Oh, it's okay.
I mean, it's not okay, but...
Shh. Shh.
Oh, so stupid.
- Ah! - Oh, shh, shh.
Such a dummy.
We are just so thrilled that you brought a friend.
Thrilled. And it is "friend," then. I mean, is that the correct moniker?
- Boyfriend. - Hello.
- Oh! - Oh, ha, ha!
This is... Well, that's...
- Yes - This is very exciting.
You could just bowl me over with one of those...
Sweetheart, what are the, uh...? You remember at the Johnson's cabin?
- Feathers? - You could bowl me over with a feather.
Well, you have a lovely home. I love this carpet.
It reminds me of the quality floor mats in my Honda CR-V.
Oh, come on, sweetie. That's not necessary.
You refer to your floor mats as quality.
I've never heard that level of floor-mat enthusiasm.
Should we be caring more about our floor mats?
I don't think we need to jump to conclusions.
- Let the man finish his story. - They're floor mats, that's the story.
What's this? What's that? There's things all around us.
Would you like to see a movie? We have one.
What is it, George? It's... It's the... The Aviator.
No, no... The Avatar.
Uh, no, thank you. That movie is three hours of puke.
Of course Britta's joking.
We enjoy Avatar very much.
- We do? - Ha, ha... Yes.
It's an immensely popular movie. Of course, we love it.
- How many alumni have responded? - Not many.
But current students will show up for the degree raffle.
- How about we put the DJ there? - You don't need a DJ.
I've been saying that since the invention of shuffle.
I have booked a surprise musical guest this evening.
A little piece of '90s nostalgia you might call Natalie is Freezing.
- Are you out of your damn mind? - You know this band?
You know damn well I do.
Why do you always...? Are you trying to get me to like you?
- Pfft. No. - Good.
Because it ain't working.
You weird, hair-gelled CPR dummy.
- It's pomade. - Aaaahhh.
As long as I'm up here, does anyone want anything reached?
- Hey. We're Natalie is Freezing. - Oh, are you Natalie?
I'm Julie. The name of the band is Natalie is Freezing.
Why would anyone in the band be Natalie? We're artists.
Cool. So our DJ was gonna man the frozen-yogurt machine.
- Is that something you can handle? - If you do need anything reached...
I've been practicing.
We like Avatar?
In public, yes. We like things most people like.
- Our job isn't to alienate people. - We're on the job with my parents?
With everyone, everywhere, all the time.
- You wanted a relationship. - A real one.
It's real. Do you not think Honda makes good products?
Of course I do. That's never been remotely in question.
- But why does that mean I like Avatar? - Because you're not a monster.
Because people don't wanna drive what a monster drives.
Stop the Honda, Rick. Do you hear me? Use a light press of your foot...
to engage the highly responsive anti-lock brakes...
of this incredible vehicle. Now!
I wanna be with you, the real you.
This is me. This is what I do.
When I influence people to buy Honda products...
I feel God's pleasure.
That's from Chariots of Fire.
- I love Chariots of Fire. - So do I.
Also, we have to.
Damn it, Britta.
Oops.
Oh, man. You people are everywhere.
- I was looking for a place to hide. - Don't worry. I'm not gonna bother you.
Okay then.
Give me a gin and tonic.
Your friend, Jeff, booked Natalie is Freezing for the dance.
What? Tonight? We gotta go. Why aren't you excited?
I used to date her.
- Natalie? - Julie.
Why would the band's name be her name? She's an artist.
We listened to them together. You never said anything about this.
She messed me up.
She messed me up pretty good.
- To forgetting. - Not gonna toast to that.
- Then forget you too. - Aw, give me a break.
That's the problem.
Everybody's in a rush to protect themselves from each other.
Sure, yes, you gotta defend your castle, but you also gotta...
What's that thing that castles have?
- Walls? - Come on.
- A moat? - It goes over the moat. Goes over.
Enemy knights? Cavalry? Uh, arrows?
- No, come on, stop it. Goes like this: - Alligators?
- It's one thing. It's mechanical. - One mechanical alligator.
Are you screwing with me?
- I don't know you're talking about! - One mechanical thing!
- It goes over the moat! It goes like this: - A catapult!
- Aah! - Oh, Jesus! What are you doing?
- Britta. I love you. - Huh?
I'm gonna quit Honda. I'll get a job, uh...
I... I don't know. What do regular people do?
Well, they buy things. I'll do that.
- For me? - No, for Honda. Yes, for you.
Normally I would give you a hard time, but I don't wanna be like this guy.
- You're...? You're coming over? Okay. - I'm coming to you.
- That seems like a really hard way... - Watch out for this foot.
- Okay. - Okay.
- Hold on to me. Hold on to me. - Aah.
- Oh, my God. - Ha! Oh...
Oh, wow.
- Uh, what do we do now? - Uh, my school's having a dance.
- My favorite band is playing. - Let's go.
Okay.
A drawbridge. A drawbridge!
You need a drawbridge.
It's Elroy's favorite band too.
I once hallucinated one of their music videos in his RV.
- That's weird. - No, the dean can't introduce the band.
He's deciding what vehicles to buy for the Athletic Department.
Yeah, he needs a whole fleet.
That's right, a fleet of vehicles.
He just needs to pick a model of car. He's in his office.
- Did you hear that? - I heard it, but we're out of the game.
Not yet. We can leave on a high.
The dean is a Level 7 Susceptible, Britta. It's a once-in-a-lifetime feeling.
- You won't believe it. - I believe it, but I don't need it. Do you?
I'll just do this one last job, then we'll be free.
Be right back.
Guess I'm a Level 7 Susceptible too.
Why do they assume somebody is named Natalie?
It happens all the time. Remember when we were in Syracuse...?
Ahem.
- Elroy? - Julie.
You messed me up. You came after me because I wasn't interested.
You got me interested and I fell hard.
Then you got bored and destroyed me.
And I've been afraid to love anybody for 20 years since. But not anymore.
- Okay. - I still love you.
But I'm not gonna keep hurting others just because you hurt me.
- Fine. - Fine.
That's you. That's my impression of you.
You jaded hipster a-hole.
I still love your music.
Have a great gig.
Elroy, I'm tired of playing this game.
I like you and I want you to like me.
Huh... Okay.
You're a good guy, Jeff Winger. You and I are gonna be friends.
- Okay, great. Whatever. - I love you.
I love you.
I love you, I love you, I love you...
- Pfft. - Pfft.
Sorry, Britta.
Britta...
did you know your boyfriend was guerilla marketing for Honda?
I knew he represented something I wanted to buy.
I did good, Frankie.
- Didn't I do good? - Yes.
Good dean.
Smart dean.
He'll be fine.
- But he can never come back here. - I understand.
Of course, if you want to come with us...
Because you are good.
I had nothing to do with it.
The 2015 Honda CR-V sells itself.
That's why it's this year's Motor Trend Sport/Utility of the Year.
Oh, my. Where did he go?
Thank you.
I know all of you know this next one.
"Pillar of Garbage!" Whoo!
I think this song is about me.
Or heroin. Oh, who cares?
So now I ask a question?
- Mom does. We answer it. - What am I?
- A rabbit. - Obviously you can't do that.
You can't ask what you are. Mom, change your ears.
Okay, sweetie. You didn't say that before.
- Ask Mom a question about your ears. - I can't see my ears.
- That's why you're asking. - What are my ears?
No. Like, "Am I an animal?"
Well, yes. You are. And so are you.
Britta, whatever happened to Rick?
- Oh, my God. - Okay, okay.
Ships in the night, I guess.
Why would you ask that? I came here because Rick and I broke up.
I know. I just thought maybe something had changed.
- While I was sitting here? - Well, these days, with all the apps...
Play the game.
All right, which friend of ours collects me?
- Joanne Shoenbuchner. - I'm elephants.
- Yes. - How did...?
- Am I an animal? - Oh, not by a long shot.
Oh, ho...
- Do I work in your office? - Mom.
Nathan in Accounts Receivable.
Not his first wife, his second, who made cake for Memorial Day.
- Am I Mr. Spock? Ah! Ha-ha-ha! - Yes, you are. That's it.
- I love this game. This is fun. - I know. Where's...? What...? Ugh!
I think we did something wrong.
I know we did, Deb.
Ripped By mstoll