1 00:00:03,090 --> 00:00:04,682 Damn it. 2 00:00:05,126 --> 00:00:07,993 Ugh. Come on. Oh, Elroy? 3 00:00:08,195 --> 00:00:10,459 Elroy? Hey. 4 00:00:12,399 --> 00:00:14,959 - Computer no worky. - Please don't do that. 5 00:00:16,303 --> 00:00:18,965 - Computer no worky. - Did you forget your password again? 6 00:00:19,140 --> 00:00:22,337 Pelton, I can't keep track of all the parakeets you had growing up. 7 00:00:22,510 --> 00:00:24,501 This is different. No matter what I do... 8 00:00:24,712 --> 00:00:26,907 I get the same error. - Which one? 9 00:00:27,114 --> 00:00:32,142 "You have been owned by Elite Fleet 69. Our hacks are all up in your systems." 10 00:00:32,353 --> 00:00:36,790 I'm not bothering to pronounce them, but there are a lot of Z's being used. 11 00:00:38,459 --> 00:00:39,517 Oh, crap. 12 00:00:39,727 --> 00:00:41,126 What? 13 00:00:41,695 --> 00:00:44,687 Is there another Mask movie coming out? 14 00:00:44,932 --> 00:00:46,729 - The school's been hacked. - Wha...? 15 00:00:46,967 --> 00:00:49,936 - How can we stop it? - It's too late. It's happened. 16 00:00:50,137 --> 00:00:53,129 No parlo hablo too late at Greendale, Elroy. 17 00:00:53,307 --> 00:00:55,298 There's always something that can be done. 18 00:00:55,509 --> 00:00:59,468 I wasn't gonna say anything, but you could cut the hard line at the mainframe. 19 00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:01,671 Hard line. Mainframe. 20 00:01:02,850 --> 00:01:05,182 I have to cut the hard line on the mainframe. 21 00:01:05,386 --> 00:01:08,378 - Hey! - Clear a path to the mainframe! 22 00:01:08,589 --> 00:01:13,652 I have to cut the hard line. 23 00:01:13,861 --> 00:01:15,158 You were being sarcastic. 24 00:01:15,362 --> 00:01:18,331 Yeah. But you should look at this. 25 00:01:18,532 --> 00:01:20,466 "Cancel your offensive performance. 26 00:01:20,668 --> 00:01:21,965 You know the one we mean. 27 00:01:22,169 --> 00:01:23,864 We have all your information. 28 00:01:24,071 --> 00:01:27,336 If you do not cancel this hateful comedy show... 29 00:01:27,541 --> 00:01:30,772 you will taste our power in this way." - There's a link. 30 00:01:31,011 --> 00:01:34,572 - Wait, don't click it. - What, the green skull will get a virus? 31 00:01:35,783 --> 00:01:36,875 My God. 32 00:01:37,418 --> 00:01:42,856 It's the lunch lady's e-mails. It's all the lunch lady's e-mails. 33 00:01:43,057 --> 00:01:46,117 Which lunch lady? The hot one? 34 00:01:47,494 --> 00:01:49,962 You mean the one who serves the hot food? 35 00:01:50,130 --> 00:01:52,894 Hm. That's the one. 36 00:02:32,906 --> 00:02:36,899 Please tell me you aren't sitting there reading the lunch lady's leaked e-mails. 37 00:02:37,111 --> 00:02:38,942 No, no one here could ever do that. 38 00:02:39,146 --> 00:02:41,842 I mean, not even in shifts, it's decades of data. 39 00:02:42,082 --> 00:02:45,074 I'm reading the Greendale Gazette's highlights of the e-mails. 40 00:02:45,286 --> 00:02:48,585 I found a torrent of the highlights if you don't wanna wait for ads. 41 00:02:48,756 --> 00:02:52,248 Abed, that's stealing. Ads are there so the Gazette can pay people. 42 00:02:52,426 --> 00:02:54,587 Not to get liberal, but once they're online... 43 00:02:54,762 --> 00:02:57,162 does anyone really own the lunch lady's e-mails? 44 00:02:57,331 --> 00:02:59,629 The future of the Internet is branded content. 45 00:02:59,833 --> 00:03:02,666 Wazzledazzle. Com's got five Bacardi cocktails... 46 00:03:02,870 --> 00:03:06,169 inspired by the lunch lady's most embarrassing secrets. 47 00:03:07,074 --> 00:03:08,803 You guys are violating her privacy. 48 00:03:08,976 --> 00:03:12,537 I'm pretty sure the media's doing that. We're just reading the news. 49 00:03:12,713 --> 00:03:16,979 The police are here about our computers being hacked. 50 00:03:17,384 --> 00:03:21,115 Hi, guys. I see a few familiar faces here, a few new ones as well. 51 00:03:23,090 --> 00:03:26,890 Just gonna keep the cop you've known for five years at arm's length? I get it. 52 00:03:27,127 --> 00:03:30,119 - What have you been able to figure out? - It's a unique case... 53 00:03:30,297 --> 00:03:33,232 because it's hard to decide what laws are being broken... 54 00:03:33,467 --> 00:03:35,458 unless count the lunch lady's sex life. 55 00:03:40,407 --> 00:03:44,810 Thanks. Thanks a lot. Anyway, our city does have a cybercrime division, but... 56 00:03:45,012 --> 00:03:47,310 Well, it's pretty new. 57 00:03:47,514 --> 00:03:49,414 Any leads, Officer Warburton? 58 00:03:49,650 --> 00:03:52,118 I want McDonald's. 59 00:03:52,319 --> 00:03:55,049 Wants McDonald's. 60 00:03:55,255 --> 00:03:59,692 Assuming you probably can't see, it's a child in an adult-size police uniform. 61 00:03:59,893 --> 00:04:02,020 It's cute, but doesn't help our situation. 62 00:04:02,196 --> 00:04:03,857 What do we make of the demands? 63 00:04:04,031 --> 00:04:05,828 We were able to find out a little more. 64 00:04:06,033 --> 00:04:09,434 This message was posted online and signed, "the hackers." 65 00:04:09,670 --> 00:04:13,037 And we assume it's legit because, well, that's just where we're at. 66 00:04:13,907 --> 00:04:16,637 "Cancel the performance of the terrorist comedian... 67 00:04:16,844 --> 00:04:18,072 Gupta Gupti Gupta... 68 00:04:18,278 --> 00:04:21,247 who seeks to spread hatred with his hateful comedy." 69 00:04:21,448 --> 00:04:23,678 You guys booked Gupta Gupti Gupta? 70 00:04:23,884 --> 00:04:26,284 - Seven hundred dollars. - Oh, my God, dean... 71 00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:28,385 he's renowned for his racist act. 72 00:04:28,589 --> 00:04:29,681 How can he be racist? 73 00:04:29,890 --> 00:04:31,187 Listen to his name. 74 00:04:31,358 --> 00:04:34,054 The message says, "If you don't cancel his performance... 75 00:04:34,261 --> 00:04:37,560 what happened to the lunch lady's going to happen to everyone." 76 00:04:37,731 --> 00:04:39,528 Ha. We don't have a... 77 00:04:39,733 --> 00:04:40,893 Oh, God, that's us. 78 00:04:42,069 --> 00:04:43,798 - What do we do? - That's up to the school. 79 00:04:44,037 --> 00:04:47,029 I'm just a cop born in a small town, raised in the heartland... 80 00:04:47,207 --> 00:04:50,267 but cancel the performance. Give the government the powers... 81 00:04:50,477 --> 00:04:53,071 to eliminate people before they turn into hackers. 82 00:04:53,881 --> 00:04:56,213 That's all I've got. How's everything, otherwise? 83 00:04:56,417 --> 00:04:58,044 Stoked for Avengers? Avengers? 84 00:04:58,419 --> 00:05:00,080 Avengers? Avengers? 85 00:05:01,388 --> 00:05:04,289 Marvel got hands-on. They pinned in Joss Whedon creatively... 86 00:05:04,491 --> 00:05:07,585 so how can that go wrong? Okay, see you. 87 00:05:10,998 --> 00:05:14,229 I'm gonna call a press conference, announce the comedy is canceled. 88 00:05:14,401 --> 00:05:15,891 Wait, hold on. 89 00:05:19,473 --> 00:05:21,441 - What's that? - Do your thing. 90 00:05:21,642 --> 00:05:23,405 - Inspire them. - To do what? 91 00:05:23,610 --> 00:05:27,444 To rise to the occasion, to not let these hackers push us around. 92 00:05:29,516 --> 00:05:31,814 Don't you think that we have an obligation here? 93 00:05:31,985 --> 00:05:33,612 The cop says no. 94 00:05:33,821 --> 00:05:37,985 Well, the cops say that your car trunk has something to do with 9/11. 95 00:05:38,225 --> 00:05:40,284 They're crossing guards with guns. 96 00:05:40,494 --> 00:05:43,622 This is on us as a committee, the eyes of the world are... 97 00:05:43,831 --> 00:05:46,265 Aren't within hundreds of miles of this room. 98 00:05:46,433 --> 00:05:48,264 How about the eyes of something bigger? 99 00:05:48,435 --> 00:05:51,029 Aren't you an atheist? Don't you hate this government? 100 00:05:51,271 --> 00:05:53,330 Are you planning on going to see this comic? 101 00:05:53,540 --> 00:05:57,306 Yes, pretty much, and, of course not, I was planning to protest him. 102 00:05:57,511 --> 00:06:00,378 But... I can't believe I'm the one saying this. 103 00:06:00,614 --> 00:06:02,673 For God's sakes, we're freaking Americans. 104 00:06:02,883 --> 00:06:04,680 We're talking about freedom of speech. 105 00:06:04,852 --> 00:06:08,754 It's the amendment so important, it's the first one they remembered to add. 106 00:06:08,956 --> 00:06:10,617 - For white people. - With penises. 107 00:06:10,824 --> 00:06:13,691 We prefer to be called people without color or vaginas. 108 00:06:13,894 --> 00:06:18,160 I know some things have gotten simple, other things have gotten complicated... 109 00:06:18,365 --> 00:06:21,027 but we still have a legacy and a job in this country. 110 00:06:21,201 --> 00:06:24,364 We're the colony so high maintenance, the British gave up. 111 00:06:24,571 --> 00:06:27,802 We're so obnoxious, the French sent us a statue. 112 00:06:28,008 --> 00:06:30,033 Nobody tells us to shut up. 113 00:06:30,277 --> 00:06:33,178 And, yes, I know that our wealth is no longer distributed. 114 00:06:33,380 --> 00:06:36,975 And, yes, our democracy has been hijacked and turned into a puppet show... 115 00:06:37,184 --> 00:06:40,312 about two fake parties controlled by a cartel of monopolies... 116 00:06:40,521 --> 00:06:43,319 and if our votes had any real power, they'd be illegal. 117 00:06:43,524 --> 00:06:47,585 Britta! Freedom of speech acknowledged. Trust us. 118 00:06:47,828 --> 00:06:51,059 Cancel the show, cancel people. Might as well bring dinosaurs back. 119 00:06:51,231 --> 00:06:52,391 What? Let her finish. 120 00:06:52,599 --> 00:06:54,999 Britta, you saw what they did to the lunch lady. 121 00:06:55,202 --> 00:06:57,500 You wanna guess how much better my e-mails are? 122 00:06:57,704 --> 00:07:00,730 You want me to call a press conference and say, "Now do me?" 123 00:07:00,941 --> 00:07:03,034 No. I'll do it. 124 00:07:04,678 --> 00:07:06,043 Let them leak me. 125 00:07:09,583 --> 00:07:11,448 I'm not letting you do this alone. 126 00:07:12,553 --> 00:07:13,850 Screw it. 127 00:07:14,688 --> 00:07:15,712 I'm in. 128 00:07:17,357 --> 00:07:20,326 Someone has to be the last one to stand up and that isn't me. 129 00:07:22,195 --> 00:07:25,358 I kind of zoned out and assume we're standing to go see Avengers? 130 00:07:25,566 --> 00:07:27,557 These guys are giving hackers a bad name. 131 00:07:27,768 --> 00:07:30,601 And hacker is already such a dumb name. 132 00:07:30,837 --> 00:07:33,567 I'm not an idealist. I'm a pragmatist. 133 00:07:33,774 --> 00:07:38,837 And it's never pragmatic to piss you guys off, so fine. 134 00:07:39,446 --> 00:07:42,244 Guys, this is so inspiring. 135 00:07:42,449 --> 00:07:46,852 I guess just let me know how it goes. No matter what happens, I'm with you. 136 00:07:47,054 --> 00:07:49,420 But don't tell anyone. If you do, I'll deny it... 137 00:07:49,623 --> 00:07:52,558 but I'm with you here and now. Not literally here and now. 138 00:07:52,726 --> 00:07:58,255 Right now I'm leaving, but I will always have been with you secretly, bye. 139 00:07:59,266 --> 00:08:04,135 The performance by Gupta Gupti Gupta will go on as scheduled tomorrow night... 140 00:08:04,371 --> 00:08:07,101 and we encourage anyone who believes in freedom... 141 00:08:07,307 --> 00:08:09,298 to attend Mr. Gupta's performance. 142 00:08:09,509 --> 00:08:12,307 Although, as someone with many Jewish and black friends... 143 00:08:12,512 --> 00:08:14,480 I will be deeply offended... 144 00:08:14,681 --> 00:08:16,842 and petitioning to have Mr. Gupta banned... 145 00:08:17,017 --> 00:08:20,612 from all campuses across America, but one thing at a time. 146 00:08:20,821 --> 00:08:24,450 First, freedom of speech does not just apply to speech you want to hear. 147 00:08:24,658 --> 00:08:26,649 Case in point, am I right? 148 00:08:26,893 --> 00:08:28,827 Stephanie, get my good side right here. 149 00:08:29,262 --> 00:08:31,423 Oh, I'm being censored! I'm being censored! 150 00:08:31,632 --> 00:08:33,623 There's coffee and Scotch in the corner. 151 00:08:33,834 --> 00:08:36,667 Screw the hackers, and long live Greendale. 152 00:08:41,441 --> 00:08:44,535 All right, I'll see you at sound check in the cafeteria tomorrow. 153 00:08:44,778 --> 00:08:47,440 There is a good chance we are going to be targeted... 154 00:08:47,648 --> 00:08:50,173 so nobody gets on the Internet tonight. 155 00:08:50,417 --> 00:08:53,147 - No peeking at the leaking. - Promise, promise, promise? 156 00:08:53,353 --> 00:08:54,684 Okay. 157 00:08:56,123 --> 00:08:57,556 - Jeff. - Hm? 158 00:08:57,791 --> 00:08:59,918 Thank you for backing me up, a little. 159 00:09:00,127 --> 00:09:02,288 You turned into the path of least resistance. 160 00:09:02,462 --> 00:09:04,987 You're putting your ass on the line for an ideal. 161 00:09:05,198 --> 00:09:07,689 Well, maybe a fraction of a butt cheek on the line. 162 00:09:07,934 --> 00:09:10,129 It's not like I use that Greendale e-mail... 163 00:09:10,337 --> 00:09:13,670 for anything but porn subscriptions and improv show mailing lists. 164 00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:17,332 What makes you think it's only your Greendale e-mail they'll be leaking? 165 00:09:17,544 --> 00:09:19,842 Because they hacked Greendale. 166 00:09:20,047 --> 00:09:22,481 - You have a computer in your office? - Yes. 167 00:09:22,683 --> 00:09:25,880 - Do you check e-mails on that computer? - Uh-huh. 168 00:09:26,053 --> 00:09:27,645 You look at boobies on it? 169 00:09:28,722 --> 00:09:30,053 One time. 170 00:09:30,257 --> 00:09:31,554 They got it. 171 00:09:31,758 --> 00:09:34,659 They got everything. Ha, ha, ha. 172 00:09:36,063 --> 00:09:37,860 It's Vietnam now, baby. 173 00:09:38,065 --> 00:09:40,761 It's Vietnam. Ha, ha, ha. 174 00:09:44,971 --> 00:09:47,735 Anyways, like I said, thanks. 175 00:09:57,350 --> 00:09:58,783 There she is. 176 00:10:12,099 --> 00:10:14,363 - Hello. - Hello. 177 00:10:24,945 --> 00:10:27,778 - Girls. - Francesca. 178 00:10:28,014 --> 00:10:30,608 Word around school is our e-mails have been leaked. 179 00:10:30,817 --> 00:10:32,011 Is that so? 180 00:10:32,219 --> 00:10:34,119 Oh, the first you've heard of it? 181 00:10:34,321 --> 00:10:36,152 I guess I heard some rumblings. 182 00:10:36,323 --> 00:10:39,417 - Hm. Rumblings. - Hm. 183 00:10:46,433 --> 00:10:48,560 - Hello, Jeff. - Hello, Jeff. 184 00:10:48,769 --> 00:10:51,033 Jeff Winger. 185 00:10:51,238 --> 00:10:55,299 Annie. Britta. Frankie. 186 00:11:04,050 --> 00:11:07,645 - I hear the hackers leaked our e-mails. - Yeah, I heard something like that. 187 00:11:08,688 --> 00:11:11,782 - Shall we help set up chairs? - Sure. 188 00:11:24,304 --> 00:11:26,329 Something was wrong with that one. 189 00:11:26,573 --> 00:11:28,507 Bad chair. 190 00:11:29,576 --> 00:11:32,340 Hi, how's everybody doing? I asked a damn question. 191 00:11:32,579 --> 00:11:34,513 - Fine. - New look? 192 00:11:34,714 --> 00:11:35,806 I'm glad you like it. 193 00:11:36,016 --> 00:11:39,008 I'd hate to think my wardrobe wasn't passing with this group... 194 00:11:39,186 --> 00:11:43,088 so here I am in a brand-new outfit, with an up-to-the-minute shirt. 195 00:11:43,290 --> 00:11:45,952 I'm not the best at non-verbal cues, so I have to ask... 196 00:11:46,126 --> 00:11:48,856 is it possible that everyone read the leaked e-mails? 197 00:11:49,095 --> 00:11:51,723 - Absolutely not possible, no. - Nope. 198 00:11:51,898 --> 00:11:55,026 I read it all! I read all your crap! 199 00:11:56,369 --> 00:11:57,631 I have read everything... 200 00:11:57,838 --> 00:12:00,636 you guys have ever wrote about me in an e-mail... 201 00:12:00,841 --> 00:12:04,470 and you guys are the worst people in the world. 202 00:12:04,678 --> 00:12:07,112 Screw you guys, not cool! 203 00:12:07,314 --> 00:12:09,544 Mean, mean, mean! 204 00:12:09,749 --> 00:12:13,685 Point it at me and I will eat it. I will bite your finger off and I will eat it. 205 00:12:13,887 --> 00:12:15,855 Let's see you type more descriptions... 206 00:12:16,056 --> 00:12:18,524 of my Houseguest- era Sinbad wardrobe. 207 00:12:18,692 --> 00:12:23,061 Aha! That's a direct quote from a really mean e-mail I wrote about him... 208 00:12:23,263 --> 00:12:25,060 so now who's the bad guy? 209 00:12:25,265 --> 00:12:27,563 Okay, how much of the leak did each of you read? 210 00:12:27,734 --> 00:12:30,066 Okay, stop it. Why don't we just admit that we...? 211 00:12:30,237 --> 00:12:31,329 I'm not admitting it. 212 00:12:31,504 --> 00:12:34,405 - Oh, please. - Oh, Annie get over it. 213 00:12:34,641 --> 00:12:38,737 You had my blood tested for amphetamines? 214 00:12:38,945 --> 00:12:42,540 You were extra jumpy last spring, and we had to double check to be safe. 215 00:12:42,749 --> 00:12:47,083 I don't think I'm jumpy enough if my friends can steal my blood. 216 00:12:47,287 --> 00:12:48,549 Oh, you gave it to us. 217 00:12:48,755 --> 00:12:50,916 For that human genome project? 218 00:12:51,157 --> 00:12:54,092 We only used half of it for that. You're 1 percent Neanderthal. 219 00:12:54,261 --> 00:12:55,285 Ew. 220 00:12:55,462 --> 00:12:57,794 How can you judge anyone, light-switch-licker? 221 00:12:58,031 --> 00:12:59,464 Ew. 222 00:12:59,699 --> 00:13:00,893 You guys hear that sound? 223 00:13:02,302 --> 00:13:06,068 That's the sound of the hackers winning. Our school is out there right now... 224 00:13:06,239 --> 00:13:09,265 pawing through our dirty laundry, laughing at us... 225 00:13:09,476 --> 00:13:11,410 waiting to see what we're gonna do. 226 00:13:11,578 --> 00:13:17,210 Waiting to see who wins in the battle between terror and cool. 227 00:13:17,417 --> 00:13:18,907 We gotta be cool, man. 228 00:13:19,819 --> 00:13:22,083 We gotta be cool. 229 00:13:25,825 --> 00:13:27,793 And set up for a show. 230 00:13:30,063 --> 00:13:31,655 Abed, if you wouldn't mind... 231 00:13:31,831 --> 00:13:34,299 please, checking the sound system. - No problem. 232 00:13:34,467 --> 00:13:37,402 Unless you're too busy telling I don't understand Donnie Darko. 233 00:13:37,570 --> 00:13:39,731 - Annie. - I'm cool. 234 00:13:40,206 --> 00:13:41,639 I'll set up the box office. 235 00:13:43,710 --> 00:13:46,736 Oh, or will me opening a box office... 236 00:13:46,947 --> 00:13:49,814 unfairly influence wagers in your betting pool... 237 00:13:50,016 --> 00:13:51,745 about my sexual preference? 238 00:13:52,118 --> 00:13:55,212 We saw this one coming, and we are so sorry. 239 00:13:55,422 --> 00:13:59,791 Oh, that cuts it. The word "sorry" fills that crater right to the brim, yeah. 240 00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:03,020 Oh, boo-hoo. Your friends are curious about your night life. 241 00:14:03,263 --> 00:14:05,094 We kept it among friends... 242 00:14:05,298 --> 00:14:08,756 you told Human Resources I was a "functional" alcoholic. 243 00:14:08,969 --> 00:14:11,836 I am required to file a report on every teacher. 244 00:14:12,038 --> 00:14:14,871 And if you throw another tantrum, I will revise yours. 245 00:14:15,108 --> 00:14:16,769 To what? Non-lethal murderer? 246 00:14:16,977 --> 00:14:18,968 Armless javelin thrower? 247 00:14:19,179 --> 00:14:22,171 What in your unqualified, buzzword-bloated... 248 00:14:22,382 --> 00:14:26,341 little red schoolhouse of a brain is a functional alcoholic? 249 00:14:26,553 --> 00:14:28,851 What, in your brain is a "ChapStick" lesbian? 250 00:14:29,055 --> 00:14:31,546 To me, 300 bucks, unless you care to refute it. 251 00:14:31,791 --> 00:14:36,251 My sexuality is of zero concern to my job and to everyone here. 252 00:14:36,463 --> 00:14:39,864 I swear, if you people were trapped on a tiger-infested island... 253 00:14:40,066 --> 00:14:41,397 with no food or water... 254 00:14:41,568 --> 00:14:45,163 you would judge every ship that came to save you. 255 00:14:45,372 --> 00:14:48,034 How do the tigers survive without food or water? 256 00:14:48,274 --> 00:14:51,801 Oh, it's not cute, Annie, and I read your entry in the pool. 257 00:14:52,012 --> 00:14:54,276 Was your goal to win or just be disgusting? 258 00:14:55,382 --> 00:14:57,646 I had to pick last! 259 00:14:57,851 --> 00:14:59,716 Yeah? Well, we read about ourselves... 260 00:14:59,919 --> 00:15:02,649 in your weirdly melodramatic e-mails to your sister... 261 00:15:02,856 --> 00:15:05,586 who you might notice never responds, take a hint. 262 00:15:05,825 --> 00:15:07,588 She's dead. 263 00:15:10,930 --> 00:15:14,866 I pretend to write her e-mails as a journaling device... 264 00:15:15,068 --> 00:15:18,697 you wretched, invasive little gremlin! 265 00:15:18,905 --> 00:15:22,102 Okay, why don't we just call that rock bottom? 266 00:15:22,342 --> 00:15:23,673 Check one, check two. 267 00:15:23,877 --> 00:15:25,845 Check one, check two. 268 00:15:26,246 --> 00:15:30,342 Well, well, it looks like Jeff Winger auto-paid his car insurance. 269 00:15:30,550 --> 00:15:32,609 Annie's book club has a meeting tomorrow. 270 00:15:34,721 --> 00:15:36,211 Where'd you find the bad stuff? 271 00:15:37,257 --> 00:15:39,555 Maybe what we all need to do here... 272 00:15:39,759 --> 00:15:43,195 is have everyone address and own one thing they know is out there. 273 00:15:43,363 --> 00:15:46,298 No blame, no shame, just an explanation. 274 00:15:46,466 --> 00:15:49,333 I'll start. I'm sure by now you've all seen the e-mails... 275 00:15:49,536 --> 00:15:52,061 between me and the Patterson family of Virginia. 276 00:15:52,272 --> 00:15:53,364 - Not me. - No. 277 00:15:53,573 --> 00:15:55,200 I received their first letter... 278 00:15:55,408 --> 00:15:58,070 as part of a family e-mail chain Christmas of 2007. 279 00:15:58,278 --> 00:16:00,246 - I don't think you owe us. - Although I... 280 00:16:00,447 --> 00:16:03,848 I didn't understand why they had written me, I responded politely. 281 00:16:04,050 --> 00:16:06,883 When I realized they had mistaken me for their cousin... 282 00:16:07,087 --> 00:16:10,215 for some reason, I suppose it was loneliness... 283 00:16:10,423 --> 00:16:13,290 I simply failed to disabuse them of that notion. 284 00:16:13,493 --> 00:16:15,290 - Well, that's... - I've come to love... 285 00:16:15,495 --> 00:16:18,396 Barb and George and Jelson and Riselle... 286 00:16:18,598 --> 00:16:22,227 and even Uncle Paul with all his flaws. Ha, ha, ha. 287 00:16:22,402 --> 00:16:24,996 And even though our relationship is based on a lie... 288 00:16:25,238 --> 00:16:29,937 for me, it's one of the realest I'll ever know. 289 00:16:30,143 --> 00:16:32,111 - Aw. - Heh. 290 00:16:33,446 --> 00:16:37,507 I hope you don't think by explaining that, you're off the hook for the 3D models... 291 00:16:37,684 --> 00:16:40,517 you've been making of our bodies without our permission. 292 00:16:40,820 --> 00:16:43,414 That's what those photos were for? 293 00:16:43,623 --> 00:16:45,682 I'm making a game about lady time travelers. 294 00:16:46,092 --> 00:16:49,493 - Where, in your pants? Heh, heh, heh. - It's pretty creepy, Elroy. 295 00:16:49,696 --> 00:16:51,664 Oh, you guys are so suave. 296 00:16:51,898 --> 00:16:53,661 You're such gentlemen. 297 00:16:53,900 --> 00:16:58,132 You and Chang have a daily e-mail chain ranking Annie and Britta one and two. 298 00:16:58,338 --> 00:16:59,498 By which you mean... 299 00:16:59,706 --> 00:17:02,436 Chang e-mails me rankings every day, I don't respond. 300 00:17:02,609 --> 00:17:06,409 Uh, except for February 7th, 2013. 301 00:17:06,613 --> 00:17:08,843 Britta is one, Annie is two. 302 00:17:09,048 --> 00:17:10,845 Ha. Yeah." 303 00:17:11,050 --> 00:17:12,711 Jeff, gross. 304 00:17:12,952 --> 00:17:17,355 And, Britta, way to instantly memorize the exact date of your big victory. 305 00:17:17,557 --> 00:17:20,492 Hey, silver and gold ladies, ain't no losers there. 306 00:17:20,660 --> 00:17:22,958 I think we're losing sight of what's important. 307 00:17:23,163 --> 00:17:25,961 Says the woman suing her father for $80. 308 00:17:26,166 --> 00:17:27,497 Tell it to your fake family. 309 00:17:27,700 --> 00:17:30,965 Have you made any creepy boob models of Giselle yet? 310 00:17:31,171 --> 00:17:32,729 Riselle's like a daughter to me. 311 00:17:32,939 --> 00:17:36,431 But arguably more like a daughter to her parents. 312 00:17:36,643 --> 00:17:39,043 Didn't you have your own family? 313 00:17:39,245 --> 00:17:41,304 - Go write an astronaut. - Heh, heh. 314 00:17:41,481 --> 00:17:44,473 Oh, did anyone see Jeff's letters? He writes to astronauts. 315 00:17:44,684 --> 00:17:47,084 - Talk about creepy. - They're national heroes! 316 00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:49,049 Yes, they are. Leave them alone! 317 00:17:49,255 --> 00:17:51,849 - Oh, this I got to see. - Know what I don't wanna see? 318 00:17:52,058 --> 00:17:55,892 Your exchanges with your life coach about the group when we were dating. 319 00:17:56,095 --> 00:17:58,495 Oh, and by the way, clearly not a life coach... 320 00:17:58,698 --> 00:18:03,032 and absolutely just an Italian sociopath you met at a dispensary. 321 00:18:03,236 --> 00:18:04,863 You two dated? 322 00:18:05,071 --> 00:18:07,596 - This was a study group? - Yeah, Chang was our teacher. 323 00:18:07,774 --> 00:18:09,571 - What? - That's right... 324 00:18:09,776 --> 00:18:12,745 and frankly, haven't been well-utilized since. 325 00:18:16,249 --> 00:18:19,275 "Dear Reid Wiseman, congratulations on your return to Earth." 326 00:18:19,519 --> 00:18:22,010 A lady time traveling video game? 327 00:18:22,222 --> 00:18:24,782 "Hey, Emilio, I tried what you said about..." 328 00:18:26,359 --> 00:18:29,624 "Dear Neil Armstrong, I love you more than my dad. 329 00:18:29,862 --> 00:18:32,296 - I would die if you gave me a hug." Hey, guys. 330 00:18:32,532 --> 00:18:34,500 - What? - Oh. 331 00:18:35,702 --> 00:18:37,363 This is Gupta Gupti Gupta. 332 00:18:37,570 --> 00:18:40,596 Yeah, hi. Fine, whatever. Congratulations. 333 00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:42,302 You guys okay? 334 00:18:42,542 --> 00:18:45,306 To tell you the truth, we went through a rough patch. 335 00:18:45,545 --> 00:18:49,106 Yeah, the dean was telling me about it and I've been reading about it. 336 00:18:49,315 --> 00:18:50,907 Hope you were entertained. 337 00:18:51,251 --> 00:18:53,651 To be honest, I'm really grateful. 338 00:18:55,888 --> 00:18:58,823 This is the first school in six months that hasn't cancelled. 339 00:18:59,058 --> 00:19:00,252 So thanks. 340 00:19:02,328 --> 00:19:03,955 I'm gonna go get ready. 341 00:19:08,968 --> 00:19:11,061 We really did the right thing, didn't we? 342 00:19:11,271 --> 00:19:14,069 Yeah. It doesn't matter what we read in the leaks... 343 00:19:14,274 --> 00:19:17,607 or what we said to each other. What matters is that right now... 344 00:19:17,810 --> 00:19:20,142 here on this campus, the people are in charge. 345 00:19:20,313 --> 00:19:22,975 Not the hackers, not the media... 346 00:19:23,182 --> 00:19:24,945 not the cops, the people. 347 00:19:25,151 --> 00:19:26,482 Abed, go put on some music. 348 00:19:26,686 --> 00:19:28,813 Elroy, Jeff, put out some more chairs. 349 00:19:29,055 --> 00:19:33,185 Annie, get ready to introduce our star. Chang, go talk to yourself in the corner. 350 00:19:33,426 --> 00:19:35,360 Frankie, let the people in. 351 00:19:47,206 --> 00:19:49,868 - Hey. - Hi. 352 00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:02,280 - Hey. - Hey, Neil. 353 00:20:02,488 --> 00:20:03,819 Hey. 354 00:20:04,390 --> 00:20:07,223 - That's the whole audience? - I... 355 00:20:07,460 --> 00:20:09,451 I can't do a show for one person. 356 00:20:09,662 --> 00:20:11,721 Well, you kind of have to. 357 00:20:11,964 --> 00:20:13,397 But I'd rather not. 358 00:20:13,633 --> 00:20:18,468 You have to, because there's more at stake here than what you'd rather do. 359 00:20:21,741 --> 00:20:24,403 Oh, God. There's a new message from the hackers. 360 00:20:24,610 --> 00:20:26,601 Everyone quiet down. Abed, cut the music. 361 00:20:28,047 --> 00:20:31,039 "Greendale, your activities committee has defied our demands... 362 00:20:31,250 --> 00:20:34,242 and the horrible racist comedian is still about to perform." 363 00:20:34,487 --> 00:20:35,886 Yeah, right, we beat you. 364 00:20:36,122 --> 00:20:38,249 "If this performance goes on as scheduled... 365 00:20:38,491 --> 00:20:40,652 all of your information will be published. 366 00:20:40,860 --> 00:20:43,021 If you do not want this to happen... 367 00:20:43,229 --> 00:20:45,720 you will find a way to stop this performance." 368 00:20:48,501 --> 00:20:50,901 - Whoa, stop, stop, hey! - Sit down, Neil. 369 00:20:51,137 --> 00:20:54,573 You can stop me, but you can't stop the people from stopping the show. 370 00:20:54,741 --> 00:20:55,765 Shh. 371 00:20:57,710 --> 00:20:58,870 You hear that? 372 00:21:03,649 --> 00:21:06,914 Oh, my God, it's the people coming to stop the show. 373 00:21:07,787 --> 00:21:09,015 Now, what do we do? 374 00:21:09,222 --> 00:21:12,385 We have to stop the people. Their freedom of speech depends on it. 375 00:21:12,592 --> 00:21:16,050 Frankie, Chang, bar the doors. Annie, introduce him, quick. 376 00:21:16,262 --> 00:21:18,025 Oh! 377 00:21:25,371 --> 00:21:26,929 I don't wanna do this. 378 00:21:27,173 --> 00:21:30,142 Listen, you piece of crap. We've been to hell and back for you. 379 00:21:30,309 --> 00:21:32,800 Get up there and do your stupid act for freedom. 380 00:21:33,045 --> 00:21:34,774 Okay. Okay. 381 00:21:34,981 --> 00:21:36,107 Ladies and gentlemen... 382 00:21:36,282 --> 00:21:39,217 he's performed at colleges and clubs all over... 383 00:21:39,419 --> 00:21:40,977 Gupta Gupti Gupta! 384 00:21:44,090 --> 00:21:45,990 Hey, y'all. Uh... 385 00:21:46,192 --> 00:21:49,218 Hey, look, I see there's a lot of Jews in the crowd. 386 00:21:49,429 --> 00:21:51,192 I mean, you know, there isn't... 387 00:21:51,397 --> 00:21:54,423 but, usually, when I do my act there's more, but... 388 00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:56,591 You know I have a whole Jew thing, right? 389 00:21:56,803 --> 00:21:58,202 Do it. 390 00:21:58,404 --> 00:22:00,497 Okay, okay, who's this guy? 391 00:22:00,740 --> 00:22:01,832 Stop performing. 392 00:22:02,074 --> 00:22:04,133 Do not stop performing. 393 00:22:04,310 --> 00:22:06,073 Um... Okay, this guy. 394 00:22:06,279 --> 00:22:09,271 Look at him, it looks like he ate so much, he's very fat. 395 00:22:09,482 --> 00:22:12,315 - Don't do this to me. - Shut up and listen. 396 00:22:12,518 --> 00:22:14,986 I see you're fat, but are you also black or Jewish? 397 00:22:15,154 --> 00:22:18,521 You know, it's hard to be fat when you're black or Jewish. 398 00:22:18,758 --> 00:22:21,852 Because when you're black, your community steals all your food... 399 00:22:22,094 --> 00:22:24,085 so you can't eat as much. Heh, heh. 400 00:22:24,263 --> 00:22:25,662 And when you're Jewish... 401 00:22:25,865 --> 00:22:30,029 nobody ever buys anything, so you can't eat as much. 402 00:22:31,971 --> 00:22:35,532 You're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't. Heh, heh, heh. 403 00:22:38,878 --> 00:22:40,470 Oh, dear God. 404 00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:42,341 The bastards did it. 405 00:22:42,548 --> 00:22:45,176 They leaked the entire school's data. 406 00:22:55,528 --> 00:22:58,258 Okay, so, hey, fat guy in the audience... 407 00:22:58,464 --> 00:23:00,898 have you found anyone else you could love... 408 00:23:01,133 --> 00:23:02,862 like another fat person... - Oh, no. 409 00:23:03,035 --> 00:23:06,630 or are you one of those fat people who will always be alone? 410 00:23:16,148 --> 00:23:20,050 Hey, Leonard, you enjoy my girlfriend in 2009? 411 00:23:20,286 --> 00:23:21,844 As much as she enjoyed... 412 00:23:22,054 --> 00:23:24,852 your plagiarized poetry. - I will kill you! 413 00:23:25,057 --> 00:23:26,149 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 414 00:23:26,325 --> 00:23:30,091 Don't act like you care about me! I've seen all your cartoons about me! 415 00:23:30,329 --> 00:23:32,524 I am this school's worst nightmare! 416 00:23:32,732 --> 00:23:38,193 I am a Garrett with no soul left to steal! Ah! 417 00:23:39,872 --> 00:23:42,432 Man, it's like Road Warrior out there... 418 00:23:42,675 --> 00:23:46,406 but if petrol were privacy and bad teeth were dirty secrets. 419 00:23:46,612 --> 00:23:48,443 Good news, Neil's talking to us again. 420 00:23:48,614 --> 00:23:52,277 He respects our moral position, not execution, never talking to us again. 421 00:23:52,451 --> 00:23:54,612 I don't see how we can bounce back from this. 422 00:23:54,820 --> 00:23:56,185 - This one? - Yeah. 423 00:23:56,389 --> 00:23:59,085 The e-mail hack is the third installment... 424 00:23:59,325 --> 00:24:02,590 of a trilogy that began with Annie losing a pen, the golden age. 425 00:24:02,828 --> 00:24:06,264 The second chapter would be when your best friend vanished... 426 00:24:06,465 --> 00:24:09,093 after the older one masturbated himself to death? 427 00:24:09,335 --> 00:24:12,736 If that's one you guys bounced back from, we might be okay. 428 00:24:12,939 --> 00:24:14,338 What's the lesson here? 429 00:24:14,540 --> 00:24:17,065 I always wanna make sure I know what the lesson is. 430 00:24:17,276 --> 00:24:18,641 I'm a completist. 431 00:24:18,878 --> 00:24:21,870 Rest of the school's in shambles, so maybe we're more evolved... 432 00:24:22,081 --> 00:24:25,107 and forgiving than them? - We already know that, stupid. 433 00:24:25,284 --> 00:24:28,845 I feel more desensitized to jokes about Jews and blacks, is that good? 434 00:24:29,055 --> 00:24:30,647 - Say what? - Eh... 435 00:24:30,890 --> 00:24:33,484 Privacy, freedom of speech, terrorism and government. 436 00:24:33,726 --> 00:24:36,786 Ironic pairing, like one man's privacy is another man's freedom. 437 00:24:36,996 --> 00:24:38,258 Government is terrorism? 438 00:24:38,464 --> 00:24:40,728 The only free speech is private speech. 439 00:24:40,933 --> 00:24:46,064 A free government terrorizes privacy. That's all four, bitches. 440 00:24:46,272 --> 00:24:50,572 - Terror is terrorized by... - Terry the Terrorist? 441 00:24:50,943 --> 00:24:55,175 Tarry not, for terrorism terrifies. 442 00:24:55,815 --> 00:24:57,077 Govern the government. 443 00:24:57,283 --> 00:24:59,615 - Freedom of speech... - How about terrorism? 444 00:24:59,819 --> 00:25:01,081 - Terrorism... - Guys... 445 00:25:01,287 --> 00:25:04,120 - Terry the Terrorist. - Govern the government. 446 00:25:04,323 --> 00:25:05,585 We caught the hacker. 447 00:25:06,025 --> 00:25:07,083 This is Ryan... 448 00:25:07,293 --> 00:25:10,285 a.k.a. String Cheese Hustler, a.k.a. Fart Mitzvah... 449 00:25:10,496 --> 00:25:14,023 SkullandBoners88, Frozen Sucked, Captain Titty. 450 00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:15,997 You don't need to know all his names. 451 00:25:16,168 --> 00:25:17,601 He lives across the street... 452 00:25:17,803 --> 00:25:21,603 and he's got something he wants to say. Don't you? 453 00:25:21,807 --> 00:25:23,798 - I'm sorry. - For what? 454 00:25:24,010 --> 00:25:27,104 For guessing your school master password was "change me." 455 00:25:27,313 --> 00:25:28,837 Oops. 456 00:25:29,515 --> 00:25:31,540 How do you sleep at night, Warburton? 457 00:25:31,784 --> 00:25:34,514 You were one of us. You were free. 458 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:36,779 No one's free when they're one of anything. 459 00:25:36,956 --> 00:25:40,448 And to answer your question, I sleep alone with one eye open. 460 00:25:40,660 --> 00:25:42,958 That's why I'm not the one in cuffs. 461 00:25:45,031 --> 00:25:47,022 Let's go, Fart Mitzvah. 462 00:25:49,201 --> 00:25:50,998 Crime doesn't pay. 463 00:25:51,203 --> 00:25:52,500 Crime doesn't pay. 464 00:25:52,838 --> 00:25:55,068 - Crime doesn't pay. - Crime doesn't pay. 465 00:25:56,542 --> 00:25:58,510 - Right. - That's right. 466 00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:09,415 I'm sorry if I used photography... 467 00:26:09,588 --> 00:26:11,886 to digitally approximate your naked bodies. 468 00:26:12,358 --> 00:26:13,552 It's all right. 469 00:26:13,759 --> 00:26:15,522 - It is? - No! 470 00:26:23,402 --> 00:26:26,496 - Anything? - Same as yesterday. 471 00:26:26,706 --> 00:26:29,573 Big cloud of data raining over a pasture. 472 00:26:29,775 --> 00:26:32,209 All 8 billion sheep keep grazing. 473 00:26:32,411 --> 00:26:34,208 Is that good? 474 00:26:35,748 --> 00:26:37,511 Sure. 475 00:26:37,983 --> 00:26:41,248 That thing you said back there about not being a part of anything... 476 00:26:41,487 --> 00:26:43,478 is that really how you feel? 477 00:26:43,689 --> 00:26:45,520 It's not a question of how I feel. 478 00:26:45,725 --> 00:26:49,126 I feel like flying, I don't jump off buildings. 479 00:26:51,630 --> 00:26:53,359 Do you believe in God, Warburton? 480 00:26:54,266 --> 00:26:56,928 There's no rule that says we have to be friends, right? 481 00:26:57,136 --> 00:26:59,127 Common courtesy, familiar with that rule? 482 00:26:59,371 --> 00:27:02,363 Well, it's common courtesy of opposite values. 483 00:27:02,575 --> 00:27:04,372 Common courtesy's just gibberish. 484 00:27:04,744 --> 00:27:06,143 Hocus pocus. 485 00:27:06,378 --> 00:27:09,074 A spell we cast when hoping to cheat reality. 486 00:27:09,949 --> 00:27:13,316 You're a cynical son of a bitch, I'll give you that. 487 00:27:13,786 --> 00:27:17,415 - My wife, she makes dream catchers... - Shh. Shut the hell up. 488 00:27:17,957 --> 00:27:20,221 Can you get us to the mainframe hard line? 489 00:27:20,392 --> 00:27:22,292 Yankee doodle dandy. 490 00:27:31,620 --> 00:27:39,620 Ripped By mstoll