1 00:00:26,420 --> 00:00:27,614 Frankie, are you awake? 2 00:00:27,788 --> 00:00:30,120 I'm in bed, but I only rest half my brain. Go. 3 00:00:30,291 --> 00:00:31,315 Greendale in jeopardy. 4 00:00:31,492 --> 00:00:34,222 Need to call emergency meeting ASAP. No time to explain. 5 00:00:34,395 --> 00:00:38,297 I can be at the school in 30 minutes and I'll have the dean notify the others. 6 00:00:38,465 --> 00:00:40,262 Could you notify the others? 7 00:00:40,434 --> 00:00:43,028 You don't think the dean can handle it? 8 00:00:43,203 --> 00:00:45,501 Do what you think is best. 9 00:00:48,008 --> 00:00:51,171 Annie Edison requesting emergency meeting at school in 30. 10 00:00:51,345 --> 00:00:53,609 - Greendale in trouble. - I'll notify the others. 11 00:00:53,781 --> 00:00:55,009 I can do that if you like. 12 00:00:55,182 --> 00:00:59,482 I think I can handle notifying others, thank you very much. 13 00:00:59,820 --> 00:01:03,381 Annie, Jeffrey, emergency meeting at the school in 30 minutes. 14 00:01:03,557 --> 00:01:06,185 I already know. I'm the one calling the meeting. 15 00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:07,793 What up, yo? 16 00:01:07,961 --> 00:01:09,155 Who is this other number? 17 00:01:09,330 --> 00:01:11,560 It's a group text. I'm texting you and Jeffrey. 18 00:01:11,732 --> 00:01:15,168 It's me. I am Jeffrey, best friend of Dean. 19 00:01:15,336 --> 00:01:16,894 Hi, Jeffrey. Hmm. 20 00:01:17,071 --> 00:01:19,335 Dean, that number is not in my phone as Jeff's. 21 00:01:19,506 --> 00:01:22,805 And it doesn't even look like an American phone number. 22 00:01:25,079 --> 00:01:28,674 Oh, my God. How stupid can I get? 23 00:01:29,049 --> 00:01:31,813 You never told me you gave Annie a fake phone number. 24 00:01:31,985 --> 00:01:36,012 Yes, Dean. This is me, Jeffrey. You are best friend. 25 00:01:36,190 --> 00:01:38,590 Hold on, I'll cover. 26 00:01:39,026 --> 00:01:41,324 You're right, I had the wrong number. 27 00:01:41,495 --> 00:01:42,894 See you at the school. 28 00:01:43,063 --> 00:01:45,930 I am so sorry, Jeffrey. I hope I didn't get you in trouble. 29 00:01:46,100 --> 00:01:49,536 No worries, Dean. I love you. 30 00:01:50,337 --> 00:01:54,171 You're always so sweet when we're texting, but then in real life, grr. 31 00:01:54,341 --> 00:01:57,538 Bro, I just secret that way with love. You know my style. 32 00:01:57,711 --> 00:02:01,408 We keep loving in text, but then secret forever. Meow. 33 00:02:03,217 --> 00:02:05,481 - Meow. - Meow. 34 00:02:36,260 --> 00:02:42,260 Ripped By mstoll 35 00:02:44,091 --> 00:02:46,616 Annie, if you're not dying, I'm gonna murder you. 36 00:02:46,794 --> 00:02:50,252 I had to remove my night cream. It's $200 an ounce. 37 00:02:50,431 --> 00:02:52,456 It's 3 a.m. In the freaking morning. 38 00:02:52,633 --> 00:02:54,692 What gives you the right to haul us in here? 39 00:02:54,868 --> 00:02:57,837 Chang, how did you even find out about this? 40 00:02:58,238 --> 00:02:59,603 I have a right to be here. 41 00:02:59,773 --> 00:03:01,468 Hi. 42 00:03:01,975 --> 00:03:05,240 - Why are you so awake? - I have a theory. Britta may be twins. 43 00:03:05,612 --> 00:03:07,170 - No, I was working. - At the bar? 44 00:03:07,347 --> 00:03:11,909 - Does that mean you're drunk? - Could a drunk person do this? 45 00:03:17,624 --> 00:03:19,524 Hi, everybody. 46 00:03:19,693 --> 00:03:20,853 Jeffrey. 47 00:03:21,028 --> 00:03:23,963 Okay, 41 minutes ago, I received this e-mail... 48 00:03:24,131 --> 00:03:27,032 from a friend that interns at KZBC. - The TV station? 49 00:03:27,201 --> 00:03:31,103 No, the unrelated, totally random combination of those four letters. 50 00:03:31,271 --> 00:03:32,329 Mee-yow. 51 00:03:32,506 --> 00:03:35,407 Heads Up. Annie, still going to Greendale? 52 00:03:35,576 --> 00:03:38,636 Thought you should know City College is running a negative ad... 53 00:03:38,812 --> 00:03:42,179 about your school at 7 a.m. Heard it's pretty bad." 54 00:03:42,583 --> 00:03:43,777 Let me see that. 55 00:03:43,951 --> 00:03:47,284 City College is running an attack ad? That's a first. 56 00:03:47,454 --> 00:03:50,582 They're desperate. Our registration numbers are trending upward. 57 00:03:50,757 --> 00:03:54,249 Because the population keeps growing and no one here ever graduates. 58 00:03:54,428 --> 00:03:57,727 Actually, our numbers are up because of improvements Frankie's made. 59 00:03:57,898 --> 00:04:01,197 Those improvements were only possible through your hard work, Annie. 60 00:04:01,368 --> 00:04:03,962 - Get a boardroom. - Interesting. When were you gonna... 61 00:04:04,137 --> 00:04:07,436 share the whole truth about this, not just the parts that suit you? 62 00:04:07,608 --> 00:04:09,303 - What? - "P.S., I was glad... 63 00:04:09,476 --> 00:04:11,876 to hear Brenda's doing better"? 64 00:04:12,045 --> 00:04:14,673 Huh? Huh? 65 00:04:17,518 --> 00:04:21,181 Just because City College is scared doesn't mean they're not dangerous. 66 00:04:21,355 --> 00:04:24,324 Is there anything in particular they could smear us with? 67 00:04:24,491 --> 00:04:26,118 Nothing in particular... 68 00:04:26,293 --> 00:04:29,694 just overlapping clouds of many thousands and thousands of things. 69 00:04:29,863 --> 00:04:32,457 - Don't forget the Brenda factor. - There isn't a Brenda factor. 70 00:04:32,633 --> 00:04:35,966 He says she's doing better. Better than what? 71 00:04:36,136 --> 00:04:38,366 Her thyroid condition. Can you focus? 72 00:04:38,539 --> 00:04:41,099 - Can Brenda? - Probably more so now. 73 00:04:41,275 --> 00:04:44,176 - We need to see this ad before it airs. - I'm getting a copy. 74 00:04:44,344 --> 00:04:46,835 I have friends in the AV Department at City College. 75 00:04:47,014 --> 00:04:49,574 The brotherhood of AV exists beyond your factionalism. 76 00:04:49,750 --> 00:04:52,548 We serve only Video, the true queen, and her consort, Audio. 77 00:04:52,719 --> 00:04:53,981 Could you be bigger nerds? 78 00:04:54,154 --> 00:04:56,247 No, we've achieved our maximum potential. 79 00:04:56,423 --> 00:04:58,755 Well, Annie's right. We do have a situation here. 80 00:04:58,926 --> 00:05:02,327 So we will make this our situation room. 81 00:05:02,496 --> 00:05:05,522 Yes. We need white boards, cork boards, laptops... 82 00:05:05,699 --> 00:05:07,724 Clocks with different times, a red phone... 83 00:05:07,901 --> 00:05:10,563 a big map with tiny Nazi tanks, and/or a Godzilla. 84 00:05:10,737 --> 00:05:11,761 The ad airs at 7 a.m. 85 00:05:11,939 --> 00:05:15,397 That means we have four hours and 13 minutes to figure out... 86 00:05:15,576 --> 00:05:17,942 what they're throwing at us and how to respond. 87 00:05:18,111 --> 00:05:19,772 You know, it's the darndest thing. 88 00:05:19,947 --> 00:05:22,074 I think Britta somehow crapped in my pants too. 89 00:05:22,249 --> 00:05:25,514 - Heh. I'd better head home. - You can't just leave a situation room. 90 00:05:25,686 --> 00:05:28,314 It's only a situation room because she called it that. 91 00:05:28,488 --> 00:05:31,184 I mean, I could declare it a cookie room. 92 00:05:31,725 --> 00:05:34,853 There are no cookies. There is a situation. 93 00:05:35,028 --> 00:05:37,428 You guys, where's the Greendale spirit? 94 00:05:37,598 --> 00:05:38,826 Where's the pride? 95 00:05:39,232 --> 00:05:41,462 - I'm fine. - Found it. 96 00:05:41,635 --> 00:05:45,537 She was wondering around campus without pants. 97 00:05:45,706 --> 00:05:47,640 - What's going on here? - Situation room. 98 00:05:47,808 --> 00:05:49,935 - What's the situation? - Brenda's thyroid. 99 00:05:50,110 --> 00:05:52,908 Sorry to hear that. Keep the pants. I'm going back to bed. 100 00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:54,877 - I'm going with him. - I'm gonna watch. 101 00:05:55,048 --> 00:05:56,982 Got it. Downloading it now. 102 00:05:57,150 --> 00:05:58,811 You work hard to earn your degree. 103 00:05:58,986 --> 00:06:01,784 And your school should work hard to make that degree valuable. 104 00:06:01,955 --> 00:06:04,446 So why is Greendale Community College giving degrees to dogs? 105 00:06:04,625 --> 00:06:07,059 In 2001, a Staffordshire terrier named Ruffles... 106 00:06:07,227 --> 00:06:09,354 took up residence on Greendale's campus. 107 00:06:09,529 --> 00:06:12,327 By 2008, Ruffles had earned a bachelor's degree. 108 00:06:12,499 --> 00:06:15,366 Not a two-year degree, a four-year degree. 109 00:06:15,535 --> 00:06:17,059 Where will you get your degree? 110 00:06:17,237 --> 00:06:20,206 If the answer is Greendale, prepare to get boned. 111 00:06:20,374 --> 00:06:24,037 Paid for by City College. License 264392. 112 00:06:27,047 --> 00:06:30,505 Did we give a degree to a dog? 113 00:06:33,887 --> 00:06:35,479 - Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - Ugh. 114 00:06:35,656 --> 00:06:37,351 Okay. It's okay. It's all right. 115 00:06:41,695 --> 00:06:46,530 So this is Greendale, not City College? 116 00:06:47,567 --> 00:06:50,229 I'm gonna get more pants. 117 00:06:58,311 --> 00:07:01,144 They've been calling me in to do more stuff. It's exciting. 118 00:07:01,314 --> 00:07:03,305 We'll be lucky if we get in three words... 119 00:07:03,483 --> 00:07:07,283 The first step is to pool our facts. The most important one being: 120 00:07:07,454 --> 00:07:10,048 Dean Pelton, did Greendale Community College... 121 00:07:10,223 --> 00:07:12,248 give a degree to a dog? 122 00:07:12,426 --> 00:07:16,487 Oh. I seem to recall... 123 00:07:16,663 --> 00:07:19,655 No. No way. There's absolutely no way. 124 00:07:19,833 --> 00:07:22,063 - Not that dog. - "That dog"? 125 00:07:22,235 --> 00:07:25,727 You remember the dog. Was it enrolled in classes? 126 00:07:26,506 --> 00:07:28,940 - Mm... - How are these hard questions? 127 00:07:29,109 --> 00:07:32,203 Why are these the questions you're asking? 128 00:07:32,379 --> 00:07:34,745 You don't wanna know if a dog got a degree here? 129 00:07:34,915 --> 00:07:37,406 It's not important. What I wanna know is... 130 00:07:37,584 --> 00:07:41,452 did a dog get a degree here in any way that can be proven? 131 00:07:41,621 --> 00:07:45,250 - Oh, I like that, Jeffrey. - I don't like that. I like the truth. 132 00:07:45,425 --> 00:07:47,052 Play lawyer on your own time. 133 00:07:47,227 --> 00:07:49,923 This is my own time. You wanted me invested? 134 00:07:50,097 --> 00:07:55,091 Well, this dump cuts my paychecks, and I've got three hours to defend it. 135 00:07:55,268 --> 00:07:57,828 So how many seconds of that should I waste on truth? 136 00:07:58,004 --> 00:08:00,996 Which is an artificial construct that rarely holds up in court... 137 00:08:01,174 --> 00:08:04,803 and has never changed the outcome of a fight. 138 00:08:04,978 --> 00:08:07,412 - Sorry you have to see him like this. - He's right. 139 00:08:07,581 --> 00:08:10,948 If City College can't support their claim, it's libel. 140 00:08:11,118 --> 00:08:14,053 We can have the station pull the ad. But that is precisely... 141 00:08:14,221 --> 00:08:15,848 why the truth does matter. 142 00:08:16,022 --> 00:08:17,455 The Brenda Paradox. 143 00:08:17,624 --> 00:08:20,616 I found the dog. I also found a lot of Social Security numbers. 144 00:08:20,794 --> 00:08:23,558 - This Internet has gone too far. - Yeah. 145 00:08:24,264 --> 00:08:27,700 - She's registered as a border terrier. - They said Staffordshire. 146 00:08:27,868 --> 00:08:28,926 Isn't that something? 147 00:08:29,102 --> 00:08:32,299 We've known this animal 30 seconds and she's already unreliable. 148 00:08:32,472 --> 00:08:35,168 - Who is the real Ruffles? - I'm sorry. 149 00:08:35,342 --> 00:08:37,469 Our strategy is to go after the dog? 150 00:08:37,644 --> 00:08:41,705 Our strategy is denial, which includes discrediting the source. 151 00:08:41,882 --> 00:08:43,406 Abed, can you make an attack ad? 152 00:08:43,583 --> 00:08:46,575 Jeff wants me to make an attack ad. So why is he a pedophile? 153 00:08:48,488 --> 00:08:51,855 - Just demonstrating the formula. - Refine your technique as you go. 154 00:08:52,025 --> 00:08:54,926 I wanna know everything about this Ruffles. 155 00:08:55,095 --> 00:08:57,495 She thinks she went to this school, fine... 156 00:08:57,664 --> 00:09:00,360 but maybe she thinks cat turds are delicious. 157 00:09:00,534 --> 00:09:04,300 And maybe she barks just a little bit more at black mailmen. 158 00:09:04,471 --> 00:09:07,963 And she's spayed now, but how many puppies are out there? 159 00:09:08,141 --> 00:09:10,405 You do this, we're no better than City College. 160 00:09:10,577 --> 00:09:13,842 We've never been better than City College. We gave a degree to a dog. 161 00:09:14,514 --> 00:09:16,846 Allegedly. This conversation is privileged. 162 00:09:17,884 --> 00:09:20,546 I could do a Banksy-style stencil of a dog... 163 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:24,019 and spray-paint it all over the school. - That sounds great. 164 00:09:24,191 --> 00:09:27,319 First, why don't you go get a bunch of coffee, drink all of it... 165 00:09:27,494 --> 00:09:30,054 then go get some more and bring it back here? 166 00:09:30,230 --> 00:09:32,824 - I actually love that idea. - I'll go with her. 167 00:09:33,233 --> 00:09:34,359 She's wearing my pants. 168 00:09:34,534 --> 00:09:38,903 I know this is crazy, but I'm gonna go check the school records to see if... 169 00:09:39,072 --> 00:09:41,563 you know, we gave a degree to a dog. 170 00:09:41,741 --> 00:09:42,969 - We didn't. - That's good. 171 00:09:43,143 --> 00:09:45,611 You guys go find that truth you love so much. 172 00:09:45,779 --> 00:09:47,838 If it's the kind we can use, bring it back. 173 00:09:48,014 --> 00:09:50,448 If not, you know, stuff gets lost. 174 00:09:50,817 --> 00:09:52,375 No. No. Bad. 175 00:09:52,552 --> 00:09:55,419 We are better than City College. We always have been. 176 00:09:55,589 --> 00:10:00,322 Which is why I know that we did not give a degree to a dog. 177 00:10:09,269 --> 00:10:11,203 I say we fight fire with fire. 178 00:10:11,371 --> 00:10:13,339 City College tries to embarrass us... 179 00:10:13,506 --> 00:10:15,997 we should embarrass them, right? - Right. 180 00:10:16,176 --> 00:10:18,804 I say I go to City College with a camera... 181 00:10:18,979 --> 00:10:22,346 shoot a really gross porno movie on their campus and put it online. 182 00:10:22,515 --> 00:10:24,710 - Fine. - Cool. 183 00:10:26,586 --> 00:10:27,712 Wait, what? 184 00:10:33,994 --> 00:10:36,394 It's very inspiring to watch you work. 185 00:10:36,563 --> 00:10:40,090 You are inspiring too. 186 00:10:40,533 --> 00:10:42,330 In what way? 187 00:10:42,502 --> 00:10:45,027 I need olives. Can you bring me olives? 188 00:10:46,406 --> 00:10:48,806 Not again. You did this a month ago... 189 00:10:48,975 --> 00:10:52,536 then I brought them to you and you acted like you hated them. 190 00:10:52,712 --> 00:10:54,577 It's only my style to be secret. 191 00:10:54,748 --> 00:10:57,581 Please bring me five can of olives. 192 00:10:57,751 --> 00:10:59,343 Five cans? 193 00:10:59,519 --> 00:11:02,044 But don't believe me if I say I don't like. 194 00:11:02,222 --> 00:11:04,782 I'm just pretending I hate olives. 195 00:11:12,365 --> 00:11:17,428 Honestly, I couldn't care less if they gave a dog a degree. 196 00:11:17,604 --> 00:11:19,003 Me neither. Ha-ha-ha. 197 00:11:19,172 --> 00:11:22,039 In fact, I kind of hope they did. 198 00:11:22,208 --> 00:11:23,573 - Why is that? - I don't know. 199 00:11:24,144 --> 00:11:26,237 They all treat me like I'm a joke. 200 00:11:26,646 --> 00:11:30,605 But if a dog got a degree, that means we're all a joke. 201 00:11:30,784 --> 00:11:33,947 - Mm. Ha-ha-ha. - Whoa. 202 00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:36,486 Natalie is Freezing? 203 00:11:36,656 --> 00:11:38,317 - You know them? - Yeah, I know them. 204 00:11:38,491 --> 00:11:39,651 But how do you? You're... 205 00:11:39,826 --> 00:11:41,123 - Black? - No. Old. 206 00:11:42,262 --> 00:11:44,389 Oh. Sorry, I just meant that... 207 00:11:44,564 --> 00:11:46,293 When I was into them, I was like 15. 208 00:11:46,466 --> 00:11:50,027 And I was 40. I never really listened to music when I was growing up. 209 00:11:50,203 --> 00:11:52,103 I was in my own world. 210 00:11:52,272 --> 00:11:54,968 But one day at work, I heard this sound... 211 00:11:55,141 --> 00:11:57,132 it was "Pillar of Garbage." 212 00:11:57,310 --> 00:12:00,473 Oh, that is their best song. Best song. 213 00:12:00,647 --> 00:12:02,615 - I got it right here. - Would you play it? 214 00:12:02,782 --> 00:12:04,306 Yeah. 215 00:12:42,422 --> 00:12:45,357 You know what? Those guys are gonna need coffee... 216 00:12:45,525 --> 00:12:48,187 if they're gonna keep that dog from having a degree. 217 00:12:48,361 --> 00:12:50,352 There are things at stake here. 218 00:12:50,530 --> 00:12:53,055 I get that now. Mm. 219 00:12:56,202 --> 00:12:57,760 I found the smell. 220 00:12:57,937 --> 00:13:00,565 - Someone filed a taco. - Wha...? 221 00:13:00,740 --> 00:13:03,709 "Things That Will Otherwise Get Filed Straight To My Thighs." 222 00:13:03,877 --> 00:13:05,242 Hmm. 223 00:13:06,079 --> 00:13:09,480 So I know you agree with me that we need to find the truth... 224 00:13:09,649 --> 00:13:12,584 but do you agree that the truth won't be horrible? 225 00:13:12,752 --> 00:13:13,980 I'm not psychic, Annie. 226 00:13:14,154 --> 00:13:16,554 That's an illusion caused by extreme preparedness. 227 00:13:16,723 --> 00:13:18,623 But what do you hope is true? 228 00:13:18,792 --> 00:13:21,556 Oh, God, no, I never hope. Hope is pouting in advance. 229 00:13:21,728 --> 00:13:24,060 Hope is faith's richer, bitchier sister. 230 00:13:24,230 --> 00:13:27,393 Hope is the deformed, attic-bound, incest monster offspring... 231 00:13:27,567 --> 00:13:29,057 of entitlement and fear. 232 00:13:29,235 --> 00:13:31,396 My life results tripled when I gave up hope... 233 00:13:31,571 --> 00:13:34,369 and every game on my phone that had to do with farming. 234 00:13:34,541 --> 00:13:38,637 What's true will be true, Annie. Our job is to deal with that truth. 235 00:13:38,812 --> 00:13:40,245 You sound a little like Jeff. 236 00:13:40,413 --> 00:13:42,005 Jeff said I sound like Abed. 237 00:13:42,182 --> 00:13:44,446 I wonder if Britta thinks I sound like Chang. 238 00:13:44,617 --> 00:13:48,610 I assume Chang thinks I sound like distant explosions and crying babies. 239 00:13:48,788 --> 00:13:50,278 You know, he's unstable, right? 240 00:13:50,457 --> 00:13:52,322 - Yep. - Oh. 241 00:13:53,493 --> 00:13:55,791 A transcript for Ruffles. 242 00:13:55,962 --> 00:13:58,988 - You think that's our guy? - I do. 243 00:14:03,570 --> 00:14:05,561 Oh, my God. 244 00:14:05,738 --> 00:14:07,899 So many classes. 245 00:14:10,210 --> 00:14:12,144 See what hope does? 246 00:14:12,512 --> 00:14:15,037 Screw you, Frankie. 247 00:14:15,215 --> 00:14:18,810 I'm sorry, Annie, but I don't think you're seeing this for what it is. 248 00:14:18,985 --> 00:14:21,180 It's a transcript for a dog. 249 00:14:21,354 --> 00:14:24,084 A really, really long one. 250 00:14:24,257 --> 00:14:27,158 It's proof that Jeff was right. This school has no value. 251 00:14:27,327 --> 00:14:29,795 Yeah. But this folder has no degree. 252 00:14:29,963 --> 00:14:31,453 Look. 253 00:14:31,764 --> 00:14:33,561 - What's that? - Heh-heh-heh. 254 00:14:33,733 --> 00:14:34,859 Victory. 255 00:14:35,034 --> 00:14:37,264 You know, within the context of Greendale. 256 00:14:39,139 --> 00:14:41,300 - Would it be better if we...? - No. 257 00:14:41,474 --> 00:14:42,668 Never know until you try. 258 00:14:42,842 --> 00:14:44,309 - Never know until I try. - What? 259 00:14:44,477 --> 00:14:47,503 - I said we're quite a team. - Here's the coffee. 260 00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:49,841 Let me know if there's anything else I can do. 261 00:14:50,016 --> 00:14:52,507 - We could use fresh eyes on this cut. - We could? 262 00:14:52,685 --> 00:14:56,086 - Has anyone told you you're difficult? - Everyone in your line of work. 263 00:14:57,557 --> 00:14:58,649 This is Ruffles. 264 00:14:58,825 --> 00:15:01,225 She'd like you to believe she's a graduate and a good girl. 265 00:15:01,394 --> 00:15:03,157 But Ruffles is anything but. 266 00:15:03,329 --> 00:15:06,230 When Ruffles moved into her neighborhood in 2007... 267 00:15:06,399 --> 00:15:08,526 dead squirrels went up by 17 percent. 268 00:15:08,701 --> 00:15:10,828 Coincidence? Ask this bunny. 269 00:15:11,204 --> 00:15:15,265 Ruffles stole cookies from a Girl Scout, impersonated a lobster... 270 00:15:15,441 --> 00:15:17,807 had 27 children with five different fathers... 271 00:15:17,977 --> 00:15:20,241 and according to one local doctor, has worms. 272 00:15:20,413 --> 00:15:24,247 Ruffles might claim she doesn't. Ruffles claims a lot of things. 273 00:15:24,417 --> 00:15:27,853 Maybe that's why Ruffles once spent time on death row. 274 00:15:28,021 --> 00:15:32,117 Not a lobster, not a student, not a good dog. 275 00:15:32,292 --> 00:15:34,385 Paid for by Humanity Versus Ruffles. 276 00:15:35,228 --> 00:15:37,822 I wanted the voice-over to be like James Earl Jones... 277 00:15:37,997 --> 00:15:40,898 but the James Spader impersonator turned out pretty good. 278 00:15:41,334 --> 00:15:42,562 I wish he'd leave, though. 279 00:15:45,205 --> 00:15:47,070 - You really let that dog have it. - Yeah. 280 00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:50,266 Which I realize is important now. 281 00:15:50,443 --> 00:15:51,774 Is it okay if I crash on...? 282 00:15:51,945 --> 00:15:53,674 - Yes. - Yes. 283 00:15:59,819 --> 00:16:01,719 - What are you doing? - Nothing at all. 284 00:16:01,888 --> 00:16:05,016 I wouldn't say that. You put five huge cans of olives next to me. 285 00:16:05,191 --> 00:16:06,920 Just something I felt like doing. 286 00:16:07,961 --> 00:16:10,020 This isn't the first time you've done this. 287 00:16:12,031 --> 00:16:14,966 I'm really confused by this. 288 00:16:15,969 --> 00:16:18,096 - Is it code for something? - I don't know. 289 00:16:19,205 --> 00:16:21,036 And I don't care. 290 00:16:23,343 --> 00:16:26,335 Jackpot, relative to Greendale. 291 00:16:27,647 --> 00:16:30,878 Oh, my God. Look at this course load. This dog was an animal. 292 00:16:31,050 --> 00:16:34,645 - Most of them were attendance based. - How is this good news? 293 00:16:35,154 --> 00:16:37,384 "Unpaid library fees, $15. 294 00:16:37,557 --> 00:16:40,583 Diploma withheld until payment remitted." 295 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:43,695 No degree. The commercial's a lie. 296 00:16:43,863 --> 00:16:46,388 I'm gonna call the station and have them pull the ad. 297 00:16:46,566 --> 00:16:48,500 Eat crap, Ruffles, and not just your own. 298 00:16:48,668 --> 00:16:52,195 - Guys. Let it go. - What are you talking about? 299 00:16:52,372 --> 00:16:54,840 The sad truth is that a dog can get a degree here. 300 00:16:55,008 --> 00:16:57,135 Yeah, but the happy truth is none did. 301 00:16:57,310 --> 00:16:59,608 There's a difference between truth and honesty. 302 00:17:00,179 --> 00:17:03,239 Library dues? Who cares? 303 00:17:03,416 --> 00:17:05,850 Ruffles put the work in, relative to Greendale. 304 00:17:06,019 --> 00:17:09,284 That City College ad may be technically a lie... 305 00:17:09,455 --> 00:17:12,982 but it's really dishonest to kill it on a technicality. 306 00:17:13,159 --> 00:17:16,094 And dragging this dog's name through the mud? 307 00:17:16,262 --> 00:17:18,992 That's worse than dishonest. That's evil. 308 00:17:19,165 --> 00:17:21,030 Evil? I'll cop to silly. 309 00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:24,260 Some things are silly and evil, like candy cigarettes. 310 00:17:24,437 --> 00:17:26,905 And remember when Flavor Flav had that reality show? 311 00:17:27,073 --> 00:17:29,439 I don't own a TV. 312 00:17:32,145 --> 00:17:36,172 Honestly, I think the most honest thing we can do right now... 313 00:17:36,349 --> 00:17:39,375 the only thing that will make us better than City College... 314 00:17:39,552 --> 00:17:42,453 is to let that ad run and take our lumps. 315 00:17:43,156 --> 00:17:47,115 Annie, this started with me sleeping and getting yelled at for not helping. 316 00:17:47,293 --> 00:17:50,888 If it ends with you yelling at me for not sleeping, that's not a story... 317 00:17:51,064 --> 00:17:53,294 that's a German art film. 318 00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:55,258 What...? Let it go. 319 00:17:55,435 --> 00:17:58,768 I am a female student being physically overpowered by a male teacher! 320 00:17:58,938 --> 00:18:00,530 Damn it. Britta, get her. 321 00:18:02,241 --> 00:18:04,334 - Frankie, get her. - Annie, sweetie... 322 00:18:04,510 --> 00:18:06,341 think about this practically. 323 00:18:06,512 --> 00:18:09,845 If being better than City College means letting them destroy us... 324 00:18:10,016 --> 00:18:11,278 what is the point? 325 00:18:11,451 --> 00:18:16,445 If surviving means being like them, what's the point? 326 00:18:16,756 --> 00:18:18,189 Why not let one school die... 327 00:18:18,358 --> 00:18:21,020 and enroll at the one where my grades matter? 328 00:18:22,595 --> 00:18:24,222 If those are your terms... 329 00:18:24,397 --> 00:18:28,060 If the price of that transcript is you transferring... 330 00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:35,034 we accept. 331 00:18:35,208 --> 00:18:37,005 Personally, I hope you're bluffing. 332 00:18:38,678 --> 00:18:41,169 Yeah? Well, here's what hope gets you. 333 00:18:41,347 --> 00:18:43,611 Hope and a dollar forty-nine will get you a candy bar. 334 00:18:43,783 --> 00:18:46,752 - A buck seventy-nine. - Are you serious? Jesus. 335 00:18:47,186 --> 00:18:51,418 Have fun with your lying, cheating... 336 00:18:51,591 --> 00:18:55,459 dog-smearing, truth-blurring... 337 00:18:55,628 --> 00:18:58,791 trouser-swapping school! 338 00:19:00,266 --> 00:19:02,928 I remember when candy bars were 50 cents. 339 00:19:03,102 --> 00:19:06,367 If someone says, "Hey, I just joined Mensa"... 340 00:19:06,539 --> 00:19:09,474 or, "I consider myself a post-modern this or that." 341 00:19:09,642 --> 00:19:12,839 You could say, "Yeah, that and 50 cents will get you a candy bar." 342 00:19:13,012 --> 00:19:16,072 Or, "That and a quarter will get you a phone call." Heh. 343 00:19:16,816 --> 00:19:19,307 It was easier to be unimpressed back then. 344 00:19:19,485 --> 00:19:22,181 I mean, it was literally cheaper. 345 00:19:22,355 --> 00:19:24,585 Elroy, we're kind of bummed out right now. 346 00:19:24,757 --> 00:19:27,248 - Annie just left. - Oh. 347 00:19:28,795 --> 00:19:30,319 Were you guys close? 348 00:19:56,456 --> 00:19:59,619 - Abed, I don't wanna talk right now. - Okay. 349 00:20:02,595 --> 00:20:06,053 The Greendale ad is gonna go up any time now. You might wanna see it. 350 00:20:06,232 --> 00:20:08,427 - I don't wanna be a part of that. - Trust me. 351 00:20:13,506 --> 00:20:14,632 This is Ruffles. 352 00:20:14,807 --> 00:20:17,469 Ruffles was a student in Greendale Community College. 353 00:20:17,643 --> 00:20:19,838 She came really close to getting a degree. 354 00:20:20,012 --> 00:20:21,274 Which means two things. 355 00:20:21,447 --> 00:20:23,381 She's an exceptional dog... 356 00:20:23,549 --> 00:20:26,518 and Greendale really needs to get its **** together. 357 00:20:26,686 --> 00:20:28,813 We're working on it. We're working hard. 358 00:20:28,988 --> 00:20:31,650 And the good news is, when you work hard at Greendale... 359 00:20:31,824 --> 00:20:37,353 no matter who or what you are, it pays off. Right, Ruffles? 360 00:20:38,731 --> 00:20:39,789 Jesus. 361 00:20:39,966 --> 00:20:41,524 Greendale Community College. 362 00:20:41,701 --> 00:20:44,135 You're already accepted. 363 00:20:45,838 --> 00:20:49,740 You guys. I knew you wouldn't do that to Ruffles. 364 00:20:49,909 --> 00:20:52,207 - You hoped. - I hoped and it worked. 365 00:20:52,378 --> 00:20:54,710 - Hope points. - Hope points. 366 00:20:54,881 --> 00:20:58,214 You do understand that what we did was the most prudent tactical move? 367 00:20:58,384 --> 00:21:01,182 Getting in front of the scandal, Letterman style. 368 00:21:01,354 --> 00:21:03,822 Yes, Jeff, don't worry. 369 00:21:03,990 --> 00:21:06,481 I promise I'll never mistake you for having a heart. 370 00:21:06,659 --> 00:21:09,856 - Thank you. - Ahem. Kiss City College goodbye. 371 00:21:10,029 --> 00:21:11,963 - I did it. - Did what? 372 00:21:12,131 --> 00:21:14,190 That stuff we talked about. 373 00:21:14,934 --> 00:21:17,232 - Who are you? - I'm the plumber. 374 00:21:17,403 --> 00:21:19,200 - Why? - Here's why. 375 00:21:19,372 --> 00:21:21,135 - Oh. - Oh, my God. Oh, my... 376 00:21:21,307 --> 00:21:23,502 - Oh! - Ugh. 377 00:21:26,746 --> 00:21:28,873 - Is this pornography? - Doy. 378 00:21:29,282 --> 00:21:31,079 - You're the only actor. - So? 379 00:21:31,250 --> 00:21:33,184 - What kind of lens is this? - Who cares? 380 00:21:35,154 --> 00:21:37,816 You might be a genius. Why did you do this? 381 00:21:37,990 --> 00:21:41,391 What parent will let their kid go to this school if a porn got shot there? 382 00:21:41,561 --> 00:21:44,189 You shot it in front of a wall that could be anywhere. 383 00:21:44,363 --> 00:21:46,354 And you're wearing your Greendale T-shirt. 384 00:21:46,532 --> 00:21:51,799 Okay, genius, but the title is Chang Does Greendale... 385 00:21:51,971 --> 00:21:53,598 Oh, wait. 386 00:21:59,912 --> 00:22:01,812 Reshoot. 387 00:22:06,385 --> 00:22:09,684 Forty thousand yen in data charges? 388 00:22:09,855 --> 00:22:12,653 I'm looking at my son, but all I see is the ghost of your uncle! 389 00:22:12,825 --> 00:22:15,157 I imagine many people look the same... 390 00:22:15,328 --> 00:22:17,319 when you reduce them all to finance. 391 00:22:17,496 --> 00:22:21,762 In your eyes I am the enemy because I'm the edge of your world... 392 00:22:21,934 --> 00:22:24,129 but when your eyes move past me, they will weep. 393 00:22:24,303 --> 00:22:27,795 Tokyo is a machine, caked with blood, running on flesh. 394 00:22:28,741 --> 00:22:30,834 I reduce you? 395 00:22:31,010 --> 00:22:33,706 You will learn true reduction. 396 00:22:34,347 --> 00:22:40,308 You will be as small as me. 397 00:22:55,301 --> 00:22:57,929 The Dean? Hellos. 398 00:22:58,104 --> 00:23:00,129 Are you in trouble? Is everything okay? 399 00:23:00,306 --> 00:23:03,503 Is life hard everywhere? Is everyone alone? 400 00:23:03,676 --> 00:23:04,802 All the time. 401 00:23:04,977 --> 00:23:07,138 Are you at home, Jeffrey? Should I come over? 402 00:23:07,313 --> 00:23:10,282 You cannot come to me. I must confession you. 403 00:23:10,449 --> 00:23:11,473 I am not Jeffrey. 404 00:23:11,651 --> 00:23:14,211 I understand. I rarely know who I am. 405 00:23:14,387 --> 00:23:16,287 No, I mean, I am not Jeffrey. 406 00:23:16,455 --> 00:23:17,479 Let it out. 407 00:23:17,657 --> 00:23:20,091 I am Takashi. I am teenage boy in Tokyo. 408 00:23:20,259 --> 00:23:23,023 I think we all are sometimes. 409 00:23:23,195 --> 00:23:26,892 I am sorry for making fun before, but now I need a friend. 410 00:23:27,066 --> 00:23:29,591 Why don't I bring you some olives tomorrow, Jeffrey? 411 00:23:29,769 --> 00:23:31,293 I am not Jeffrey. 412 00:23:31,470 --> 00:23:34,633 I am not the dean. 413 00:23:38,544 --> 00:23:41,206 I often think about that night. 414 00:23:41,380 --> 00:23:43,109 Such a small event... 415 00:23:43,282 --> 00:23:46,547 but ultimately, the moment that would lead me... 416 00:23:46,719 --> 00:23:53,352 to becoming oyabun, highest leader of the Yakuza. 417 00:23:57,760 --> 00:24:05,760 Ripped By mstoll