1 00:00:01,525 --> 00:00:03,903 Something for the committee to put on their radar, insurance. 2 00:00:03,944 --> 00:00:05,446 What about it? School needs some. 3 00:00:05,487 --> 00:00:07,114 I can ask around on the street. 4 00:00:07,155 --> 00:00:09,408 What the hell? Oh, too cool for street insurance? 5 00:00:09,450 --> 00:00:11,452 Must be nice. 6 00:00:11,493 --> 00:00:13,621 My sister wants to know what I'm bringing to my grandson's birthday party. 7 00:00:13,662 --> 00:00:17,082 I'm sensing an emergency collage situation. 8 00:00:17,124 --> 00:00:19,960 No, I wasn't invited. My son had a kid three years ago. 9 00:00:20,001 --> 00:00:22,296 I barely get to see him on major holidays. 10 00:00:22,337 --> 00:00:25,006 I mean, who in the hell does he think he is? 11 00:00:25,048 --> 00:00:26,759 You saw your son at his wedding. 12 00:00:26,801 --> 00:00:28,176 No, that's Furio. That's my gay son. 13 00:00:28,218 --> 00:00:30,053 Him I get. Hank's a knob. 14 00:00:30,095 --> 00:00:32,514 He doesn't have any hobbies or interests. All he does is play that… 15 00:00:32,556 --> 00:00:35,517 What do you call that crap with the dungeons and the dragons? 16 00:00:35,559 --> 00:00:36,545 Dungeons & Dragons? 17 00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:37,561 That's the crap. 18 00:00:37,603 --> 00:00:39,271 Ooh. 19 00:00:39,313 --> 00:00:40,773 I know that game. We play Dungeons & Dragons. Mmm-hmm. 20 00:00:40,815 --> 00:00:45,068 Guys, let's play D&D to help Hickey reconnect with his son! 21 00:00:45,110 --> 00:00:46,194 Huh? 22 00:00:46,236 --> 00:00:47,446 Was everyone's takeaway from last time 23 00:00:47,488 --> 00:00:49,156 that we can use D&D to reprogram brains? 24 00:00:49,197 --> 00:00:50,658 Nobody feels that we almost caused a suicide? 25 00:00:50,699 --> 00:00:52,409 We prevented one. 26 00:00:52,451 --> 00:00:55,287 Fa…bulous Neil felt like a nobody, 27 00:00:55,329 --> 00:00:57,372 and thanks to us, he's still out there, 28 00:00:57,414 --> 00:00:59,166 doing this and that in the background. 29 00:00:59,207 --> 00:01:00,960 A satisfying sequel is difficult to pull off. 30 00:01:01,001 --> 00:01:03,337 Many geniuses have defeated themselves through hubris, 31 00:01:03,378 --> 00:01:05,798 making this a chance to prove that I'm better than all of them, I'm in. 32 00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:08,676 All in favor of a game of Dungeons & Dragons 33 00:01:08,717 --> 00:01:11,094 to reunite Hickey and his son tomorrow night? 34 00:01:11,136 --> 00:01:12,680 Aye! 35 00:01:12,721 --> 00:01:14,389 Well, okay. 36 00:01:14,431 --> 00:01:17,184 It's short notice, but, uh, I think it'll be good for me. 37 00:01:29,989 --> 00:01:32,199 So, Dad, I'm just curious. 38 00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:34,493 Um, what is it about Dungeons & Dragons 39 00:01:34,535 --> 00:01:37,705 that suddenly leapt out at you at age 60? 40 00:01:37,746 --> 00:01:41,416 Um…dungeons. It'd be the dungeons. 41 00:01:41,458 --> 00:01:42,960 Let's begin. 42 00:01:43,002 --> 00:01:44,628 A blood-orange sunrise crests the peaks 43 00:01:44,670 --> 00:01:46,797 of rage mountain, 44 00:01:46,839 --> 00:01:48,465 as the eight of you arrive at the troubled realm of Galindor. 45 00:01:48,507 --> 00:01:50,050 Ahead to the north, a bridged ravine. 46 00:01:50,091 --> 00:01:52,594 Beyond that, a mysterious black tower 47 00:01:52,636 --> 00:01:56,139 where, rumor has it, an evil necromancer dwells. 48 00:01:56,181 --> 00:01:57,933 Your goal, reach to the top of the tower 49 00:01:57,975 --> 00:01:59,226 and destroy the necromancer, 50 00:01:59,267 --> 00:02:01,353 freeing the realm from his evil magic. 51 00:02:01,395 --> 00:02:04,523 Oh, that's just what I love about role-playing games, 52 00:02:04,565 --> 00:02:07,401 is being told exactly what to do. 53 00:02:07,442 --> 00:02:08,527 Me too. 54 00:02:08,569 --> 00:02:09,555 You should introduce yourselves. 55 00:02:09,570 --> 00:02:11,196 I am… 56 00:02:11,238 --> 00:02:13,532 Oh, boy! Joseph Gordon Diehard. 57 00:02:13,574 --> 00:02:14,783 Really. 58 00:02:14,825 --> 00:02:16,243 Son of Sir Riggs Diehard. 59 00:02:16,284 --> 00:02:17,953 Well, I'm Sir Riggs Diehard, 60 00:02:17,995 --> 00:02:20,288 so I guess I'm your dad in the game too. 61 00:02:20,330 --> 00:02:21,790 Oh, my God, so cool. Oh, it's nice. 62 00:02:21,832 --> 00:02:22,958 Isn't that weird? 63 00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:24,292 Oh, boy. 64 00:02:24,334 --> 00:02:26,545 Guys, I don't suppose that this is some sort 65 00:02:26,587 --> 00:02:29,130 of contrived paint-by-numbers adventure that's designed 66 00:02:29,172 --> 00:02:31,425 to force an emotional bond between me 67 00:02:31,466 --> 00:02:34,386 and my emotionally stunted father, is it? 68 00:02:34,428 --> 00:02:35,930 No way, Jose. 69 00:02:37,639 --> 00:02:40,517 I got an idea. Why don't we just sort of reshuffle these… 70 00:02:41,602 --> 00:02:43,062 And just redistribute them… 71 00:02:43,103 --> 00:02:44,104 No, I don't… And just mix 'em up a bit. 72 00:02:44,145 --> 00:02:45,814 Is this right, Abed? Should we… 73 00:02:45,856 --> 00:02:47,858 And here we go. Hello, everyone. 74 00:02:47,900 --> 00:02:50,402 I am Tristram Steelheart. 75 00:02:50,444 --> 00:02:53,447 I'm a holy cleric with a mace and a dumb name. 76 00:02:53,488 --> 00:02:54,990 Ouch. 77 00:02:55,032 --> 00:02:57,743 I'm Tiny Nuggins, a, uh, a thief, 78 00:02:57,785 --> 00:02:59,787 and the rest is gibberish. 79 00:02:59,828 --> 00:03:03,122 Greetings, I am Fibrosis the ranger. 80 00:03:03,164 --> 00:03:05,667 I'm crouton, the half-orc druid. 81 00:03:05,709 --> 00:03:07,294 Druid? Oh, crouton. 82 00:03:07,335 --> 00:03:08,503 Hector the well-endowed? 83 00:03:08,545 --> 00:03:09,713 Again? 84 00:03:09,755 --> 00:03:11,590 You think that's a weird coincidence? 85 00:03:11,632 --> 00:03:14,051 I'm a troll named Dingleberry. 86 00:03:14,093 --> 00:03:15,886 That's my mom's nickname for me. 87 00:03:15,928 --> 00:03:18,013 Well, I'm who hickey was, Sir Riggs Diehard. 88 00:03:18,055 --> 00:03:20,599 I am Joseph Gordon, 89 00:03:20,641 --> 00:03:22,476 son of Riggs. 90 00:03:24,143 --> 00:03:26,313 I protect the blade of diehard, 91 00:03:26,354 --> 00:03:29,190 a family sword whose power knows no equal. 92 00:03:29,232 --> 00:03:31,652 In our clan, the leader carries the hilt, 93 00:03:31,693 --> 00:03:33,445 his eldest heir, the blade, 94 00:03:33,487 --> 00:03:36,824 for we believe man's greatest weapon against evil 95 00:03:36,865 --> 00:03:39,409 is the bond between… 96 00:03:39,451 --> 00:03:41,495 Is the bond between a father and son. 97 00:03:42,746 --> 00:03:44,581 Aw. 98 00:03:44,623 --> 00:03:45,833 What would you guys like to do? 99 00:03:45,874 --> 00:03:47,375 We should cross the bridge 100 00:03:47,417 --> 00:03:49,294 and head for the black tower. 101 00:03:49,336 --> 00:03:51,505 Huzzah? Huzzah? Huzzah. 102 00:03:51,546 --> 00:03:54,133 Yeah, I don't know if I'm gonna head across the bridge, actually. 103 00:03:54,174 --> 00:03:55,216 I mean, what else is out there? 104 00:03:55,258 --> 00:03:57,302 What's south or east or west? 105 00:03:57,344 --> 00:03:58,887 How about it, Aziz? 106 00:03:58,929 --> 00:04:01,181 If I walk too far south, do I fall off your graph paper there? 107 00:04:01,222 --> 00:04:02,808 You can head south. 108 00:04:02,850 --> 00:04:05,894 I've generated some details about the surrounding area. 109 00:04:05,936 --> 00:04:07,813 You know, for God's sakes, Hank, 110 00:04:07,855 --> 00:04:09,272 it's been five seconds. 111 00:04:09,314 --> 00:04:10,524 Can you not do this? 112 00:04:10,565 --> 00:04:11,859 Hey, you tell me. 113 00:04:11,900 --> 00:04:13,443 Are we losing? 114 00:04:13,485 --> 00:04:14,945 No. It's not a competition. 115 00:04:14,987 --> 00:04:16,905 The only winner is fun. Mmm-hmm. 116 00:04:16,947 --> 00:04:18,448 We're having fun! 117 00:04:18,490 --> 00:04:22,703 I go to Tristram, and I'm laughing, 118 00:04:22,744 --> 00:04:24,579 and I pick him up, 119 00:04:24,621 --> 00:04:26,165 and I carry him to the bridge. 120 00:04:26,206 --> 00:04:27,499 It's fun! 121 00:04:27,541 --> 00:04:29,001 Hector the well-endowed is trying to lift you. 122 00:04:29,043 --> 00:04:31,461 I cast Torvin's flesh of fire. 123 00:04:34,089 --> 00:04:35,924 Tristram murmurs an incantation. 124 00:04:35,966 --> 00:04:38,177 His body becomes wreathed in white-hot flame, 125 00:04:38,218 --> 00:04:39,970 burning Hector for… 126 00:04:40,679 --> 00:04:41,763 Six damage. 127 00:04:41,805 --> 00:04:43,264 Hey! 128 00:04:43,306 --> 00:04:44,516 Well, Hector, that's called self-defense. 129 00:04:44,558 --> 00:04:46,060 Tristram's flesh of fire spell 130 00:04:46,101 --> 00:04:47,310 has caught the bridge on fire. 131 00:04:47,352 --> 00:04:48,854 The rope supports in the middle snap, 132 00:04:48,896 --> 00:04:50,564 causing the bridge to twist. 133 00:04:50,605 --> 00:04:52,024 I'm rolling dexterity checks to see if you all hold on. 134 00:04:53,358 --> 00:04:55,402 Abed, considering the bigger picture, 135 00:04:55,443 --> 00:04:57,654 you think it might be possible you miscalculated 136 00:04:57,696 --> 00:04:59,447 the strength of the bridge? 137 00:04:59,489 --> 00:05:01,033 Good point. It would've been constructed 138 00:05:01,075 --> 00:05:02,450 in the third age by goblins, 139 00:05:02,492 --> 00:05:04,411 and they used primitive iron anchors. 140 00:05:04,452 --> 00:05:05,704 The ropes are yanked from the rocky slopes 141 00:05:05,746 --> 00:05:06,997 on both sides, and you all plummet 142 00:05:07,039 --> 00:05:08,207 into the ravine below. 143 00:05:08,248 --> 00:05:09,290 Abed! 144 00:05:09,332 --> 00:05:11,543 Oh! Abed! 145 00:05:11,585 --> 00:05:13,962 You plunge into the icy, raging waters of Skull river. 146 00:05:14,004 --> 00:05:15,672 Ow! 147 00:05:15,714 --> 00:05:17,549 You know, what's your problem? What's your problem? 148 00:05:17,591 --> 00:05:19,176 You didn't invite me to Sebastian's birthday. 149 00:05:19,218 --> 00:05:20,343 I knew it! 150 00:05:20,385 --> 00:05:22,054 Who hoards a man's grandson? 151 00:05:22,096 --> 00:05:24,431 He's not your grandson. He's my son. 152 00:05:24,472 --> 00:05:26,058 And I didn't invite you to the birthday party 153 00:05:26,100 --> 00:05:28,268 'cause I wanted to enjoy it. 154 00:05:30,311 --> 00:05:32,731 You know, fathers and sons, 155 00:05:32,773 --> 00:05:34,691 there is a lot of power between them. 156 00:05:34,733 --> 00:05:36,401 Yeah. Stop it. 157 00:05:36,443 --> 00:05:38,486 And I spent a long time 158 00:05:38,528 --> 00:05:41,782 letting that power push me away from my dad, 159 00:05:41,823 --> 00:05:43,033 and I regret it. 160 00:05:43,075 --> 00:05:45,284 So what's ever between you guys 161 00:05:45,326 --> 00:05:47,913 will only get fixed when you're together. 162 00:05:47,955 --> 00:05:48,956 They're not together. 163 00:05:48,997 --> 00:05:50,249 Abed, you're not helping. 164 00:05:50,289 --> 00:05:51,275 I'd be a pretty bad dungeon master if I was. 165 00:05:51,290 --> 00:05:52,918 Jeff, Hickey, Annie, and Shirley, 166 00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:54,169 you've been washed down the left fork of the Skull river, 167 00:05:54,211 --> 00:05:55,212 the others to the right. 168 00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:58,381 Father! 169 00:05:58,423 --> 00:06:00,299 If you're going to continue, 170 00:06:00,341 --> 00:06:02,301 I need Hank, Britta, Chang, and Dean Pelton to go into a different room. 171 00:06:02,343 --> 00:06:04,096 Yeah, we're not going to continue. 172 00:06:04,138 --> 00:06:05,513 Thank you very much, guys. 173 00:06:05,555 --> 00:06:07,099 This was just awesome. 174 00:06:07,141 --> 00:06:09,308 Yeah, wait, wait, wait. I'll play your dragon game with you. 175 00:06:09,350 --> 00:06:11,061 But let's make it interesting. 176 00:06:11,103 --> 00:06:13,897 If I kill the necrophile before you do, 177 00:06:13,939 --> 00:06:15,983 I come to my grandson's birthday. 178 00:06:16,024 --> 00:06:17,609 We'll settle it like men. 179 00:06:17,651 --> 00:06:20,612 Or whatever you call the guys that play this. 180 00:06:20,654 --> 00:06:21,989 Okay. 181 00:06:22,030 --> 00:06:26,243 But if I kill the necromancer 182 00:06:26,285 --> 00:06:27,869 before you do, 183 00:06:27,911 --> 00:06:30,455 then you don't go to Christmas or Thanksgiving 184 00:06:30,497 --> 00:06:31,623 at Aunt Rachel's. 185 00:06:31,665 --> 00:06:32,749 You don't even go to that. 186 00:06:32,791 --> 00:06:34,709 Yeah, but I will if you don't. 187 00:06:36,128 --> 00:06:38,130 Okay, fine. Okay. 188 00:06:38,172 --> 00:06:39,756 Let the real game begin. 189 00:06:48,723 --> 00:06:51,350 I will find you! 190 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:58,357 Well, I'm assuming you guys can help me beat him, 191 00:06:58,399 --> 00:07:01,278 because if we lose, I'm gonna punch each of you in the heart. 192 00:07:06,241 --> 00:07:07,575 You awaken on a muddy riverbank, 193 00:07:07,617 --> 00:07:09,328 surrounded by treacherous, god-forsaken, 194 00:07:09,368 --> 00:07:11,330 non-zipline vacation jungle. 195 00:07:11,371 --> 00:07:14,415 I build a fire and construct a crude wooden rack 196 00:07:14,457 --> 00:07:16,751 to dry my boots and oversized codpiece. 197 00:07:16,793 --> 00:07:18,503 All right, and I can make some s'mores 198 00:07:18,545 --> 00:07:21,006 out of horse meat and s'more horse meat. 199 00:07:21,048 --> 00:07:23,342 Build a fire? Horse s'mores? Screw this. 200 00:07:23,383 --> 00:07:25,593 The river runs east. I head west. 201 00:07:25,635 --> 00:07:26,845 Tiny Nuggins scampers into the jungle. 202 00:07:26,887 --> 00:07:28,847 Hey, pal, I didn't scamper 203 00:07:28,889 --> 00:07:30,473 in the jungles of Nicaragua, 204 00:07:30,515 --> 00:07:31,725 and I'm not gonna do it now. 205 00:07:31,766 --> 00:07:33,977 Wait, come back! I follow him. Me too. 206 00:07:34,019 --> 00:07:36,604 Tiny Nuggins, if we rest, we'll regain our strength. 207 00:07:36,646 --> 00:07:38,357 And lose my family. 208 00:07:38,398 --> 00:07:40,775 I'll imaginary sleep when I'm imaginary dead. 209 00:07:40,817 --> 00:07:42,152 Through the brush in the distance, 210 00:07:42,194 --> 00:07:43,695 you notice a patrol of half a dozen hobgoblins. 211 00:07:43,737 --> 00:07:45,906 Hobgoblins? 212 00:07:45,947 --> 00:07:47,949 Larger, stronger, and worth more in scrabble than regular goblins. 213 00:07:47,991 --> 00:07:49,617 Everybody, get down. I punch him in the heart. 214 00:07:49,659 --> 00:07:51,203 What? Well, I punch him in the heart, 215 00:07:51,245 --> 00:07:52,537 and I keep running. 216 00:07:52,579 --> 00:07:53,788 There are no women with them, are there? 217 00:07:53,830 --> 00:07:55,415 I got class. 218 00:07:55,456 --> 00:07:56,750 You charge toward them, alerting them to your presence, 219 00:07:56,791 --> 00:07:59,169 and you attack the nearest one in the chest. 220 00:07:59,211 --> 00:08:00,670 You miss and fall down. What? 221 00:08:00,712 --> 00:08:02,381 Oh. 222 00:08:02,422 --> 00:08:03,283 The hobgoblins are heading toward Nuggins with spears. 223 00:08:03,298 --> 00:08:04,424 Oh, no! 224 00:08:04,465 --> 00:08:06,509 Uh, I cast entangle on them. 225 00:08:06,551 --> 00:08:08,387 Crouton the druid waves her arms, 226 00:08:08,428 --> 00:08:11,056 causing grass, vines, and branches 227 00:08:11,098 --> 00:08:12,766 to entangle the limbs of… 228 00:08:12,807 --> 00:08:14,809 Four hobgoblins. 229 00:08:16,686 --> 00:08:18,939 The two free hobgoblins fire arrows at Crouton. One pierces her shoulder. 230 00:08:20,274 --> 00:08:21,649 The other her chest. Ow! 231 00:08:21,691 --> 00:08:23,068 I fire an arrow at them. 232 00:08:23,110 --> 00:08:24,611 Hit. 233 00:08:26,571 --> 00:08:28,448 Ah, these hobgoblins don't like their odds. 234 00:08:28,489 --> 00:08:29,490 They bolt into the jungle. 235 00:08:29,532 --> 00:08:31,034 Yes. Yeah, you better run. 236 00:08:31,076 --> 00:08:32,577 Go find a name 237 00:08:32,619 --> 00:08:34,704 that's not just another creature's name plus "hob." 238 00:08:34,746 --> 00:08:35,746 Uh-oh. 239 00:08:37,874 --> 00:08:40,668 Crouton? I'm here. 240 00:08:40,710 --> 00:08:43,713 She was badly wounded from her fall in the Skull river, 241 00:08:43,755 --> 00:08:46,466 and the arrows were just too much. I'm sorry. 242 00:08:47,508 --> 00:08:49,303 That's it? Is she dead? 243 00:08:49,344 --> 00:08:51,054 Yes, that's it, hickey. 244 00:08:51,096 --> 00:08:53,932 I'm dead. But it's okay. 245 00:08:53,974 --> 00:08:55,350 I'm on your side. 246 00:08:55,392 --> 00:08:57,436 Which is why I'm dead. 247 00:08:57,477 --> 00:08:59,729 And I may be gone, but just remember 248 00:08:59,771 --> 00:09:02,649 whenever the wind whispers through the woods, 249 00:09:02,690 --> 00:09:04,525 you got me killed. 250 00:09:09,906 --> 00:09:11,658 Now, you listen to me, young man. 251 00:09:11,699 --> 00:09:14,244 I've punched about a thousand hearts in my life. 252 00:09:14,286 --> 00:09:16,871 I never, never missed. 253 00:09:16,913 --> 00:09:18,373 Have you ever been a three-foot-tall halfling 254 00:09:18,415 --> 00:09:19,582 running through two-foot-high vines, 255 00:09:19,624 --> 00:09:21,376 trying to punch a seven-foot monster? 256 00:09:22,419 --> 00:09:23,670 I'm gonna go check on the others. 257 00:09:23,711 --> 00:09:25,130 You might want to check your character. 258 00:09:25,172 --> 00:09:26,673 Or just kind of generally take this game seriously. 259 00:09:26,714 --> 00:09:28,049 Your son does. 260 00:09:29,550 --> 00:09:31,303 I take a moment of silence 261 00:09:31,345 --> 00:09:34,722 to mourn my fallen comrade, Crouton… 262 00:09:34,764 --> 00:09:37,517 Before rifling through her belongings. 263 00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:41,771 What news of my father? 264 00:09:41,813 --> 00:09:42,799 You have no way of knowing where the others are. 265 00:09:42,814 --> 00:09:44,107 Damn it. 266 00:09:44,149 --> 00:09:45,650 You're still traveling north 267 00:09:45,692 --> 00:09:46,776 along the narrow cliff edges of the Hawthorne mountains. 268 00:09:46,818 --> 00:09:48,236 Okay, I'll roll for any encounters. 269 00:09:48,278 --> 00:09:51,281 I'd like to cast a healing spell on Fibrosis. 270 00:09:51,323 --> 00:09:53,492 Oh. Thank you. 271 00:09:53,533 --> 00:09:56,411 But I… I'm not gonna help you kick your dad out of your life. 272 00:09:56,453 --> 00:09:58,663 I don't think this competition is healthy, 273 00:09:58,705 --> 00:10:00,499 and I don't think what you did back there was cool. 274 00:10:00,540 --> 00:10:02,709 Look, you think I'm the bad guy 275 00:10:02,750 --> 00:10:04,878 because I didn't invite him to my son's birthday. 276 00:10:04,919 --> 00:10:08,715 But you know where he was for most of my birthdays? 277 00:10:08,756 --> 00:10:11,926 Little place that rhymes with "not there." 278 00:10:11,968 --> 00:10:13,512 Times Square? 279 00:10:14,721 --> 00:10:16,556 The four of you hear an ominous screeching. 280 00:10:16,597 --> 00:10:18,392 Moving upward into view, 281 00:10:18,433 --> 00:10:21,728 three huge, white arachnids with eagle wings. 282 00:10:21,769 --> 00:10:24,105 Sky spiders. 283 00:10:24,147 --> 00:10:26,733 I draw my sword and I cry out… 284 00:10:26,774 --> 00:10:28,443 "Back, eight-legged demons! 285 00:10:28,485 --> 00:10:30,529 "I will not scoop you up with a catalog 286 00:10:30,570 --> 00:10:32,989 "and let you outside on this day!" 287 00:10:33,031 --> 00:10:35,658 Stay your blade, Joseph Gordon. 288 00:10:35,700 --> 00:10:38,745 Sky spiders are as frightened of us as we are of them. 289 00:10:38,786 --> 00:10:40,414 Plus they eat all the sky mosquitoes. 290 00:10:40,455 --> 00:10:41,748 Mmm. 291 00:10:41,789 --> 00:10:44,834 I cast speak with monsters, and I say, 292 00:10:44,876 --> 00:10:47,546 "Hello. You're looking well." 293 00:10:49,464 --> 00:10:50,673 The lead spider bends four knees 294 00:10:50,715 --> 00:10:52,008 and twitches its hairy ovipositor, 295 00:10:52,050 --> 00:10:54,469 rhythmically secreting and retracting 296 00:10:54,511 --> 00:10:56,971 a giant droplet or drop of silk. 297 00:10:57,013 --> 00:10:58,390 Oh. 298 00:10:58,432 --> 00:10:59,640 Fibrosis, as a ranger, you recognize this 299 00:10:59,682 --> 00:11:01,809 as the arachnid's signal of submission. 300 00:11:01,851 --> 00:11:03,853 Oh. Nice work, Tristram. 301 00:11:03,895 --> 00:11:07,148 Damn, you made that sky spider your bitch, yo! 302 00:11:10,318 --> 00:11:12,320 You've tracked the hobgoblins to this shack. 303 00:11:12,362 --> 00:11:13,863 One guard hob-guards the door. 304 00:11:13,905 --> 00:11:15,323 That's what they call guarding. Go. 305 00:11:15,365 --> 00:11:16,699 Sniper arrow on the guard. 306 00:11:16,741 --> 00:11:18,159 It strikes true. The guard drops. 307 00:11:18,201 --> 00:11:20,203 I move to the doorway. Detect traps. 308 00:11:20,245 --> 00:11:21,413 None detected. I enter. 309 00:11:21,455 --> 00:11:22,872 Left flank. Right! 310 00:11:22,914 --> 00:11:24,249 One hobgoblin, facing east. 311 00:11:24,291 --> 00:11:25,500 Backstab. Double damage. 312 00:11:25,542 --> 00:11:26,834 Critical hit. He's dead. 313 00:11:26,876 --> 00:11:28,253 Footsteps behind the door to the north. 314 00:11:28,295 --> 00:11:29,546 I notch two arrows. 315 00:11:29,588 --> 00:11:31,548 I climb the walls to get above the door. 316 00:11:31,590 --> 00:11:33,007 Five goblins enter from the north. 317 00:11:33,049 --> 00:11:34,342 I fire. Both arrows hit. 318 00:11:34,384 --> 00:11:36,344 Cleave! You kill one and wound another. 319 00:11:36,386 --> 00:11:38,305 I drop on the last one and grapple. 320 00:11:38,346 --> 00:11:39,847 You got ahold of him. 321 00:11:39,889 --> 00:11:41,099 This one is for crouton. 322 00:11:41,141 --> 00:11:42,641 With his dying breath, he utters… 323 00:11:42,683 --> 00:11:46,438 "The dark lord will kill you all." 324 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:48,898 Wait, these things can talk? 325 00:11:48,940 --> 00:11:51,650 I want two taken alive. I want to try something. 326 00:11:51,692 --> 00:11:55,654 Hi. I'm Tiny Nuggins. 327 00:11:55,696 --> 00:11:57,282 I'm gonna put my dagger down right here, 328 00:11:57,324 --> 00:11:58,950 so we can just talk. 329 00:11:58,992 --> 00:12:01,328 Human trash. 330 00:12:01,369 --> 00:12:03,622 Yeah, look, I'm gonna give it to you straight. 331 00:12:03,662 --> 00:12:05,206 We're looking for a necromancer. 332 00:12:05,248 --> 00:12:07,501 We don't need two goblins to find him. 333 00:12:07,542 --> 00:12:08,709 So between you and your friend, 334 00:12:08,751 --> 00:12:11,963 who do you think's the most useful? 335 00:12:12,005 --> 00:12:14,715 Man, your friend sure can talk. 336 00:12:14,757 --> 00:12:16,759 Liar. He'll never turn. 337 00:12:16,801 --> 00:12:19,179 Oh, yeah, because of that famous goblin loyalty. 338 00:12:19,220 --> 00:12:22,140 I could never drive a wedge between you and some guy from work. 339 00:12:22,182 --> 00:12:24,851 Uh, I was best man at that guy's wedding. 340 00:12:24,892 --> 00:12:26,394 Oh? 341 00:12:26,436 --> 00:12:28,729 Your friend says you just got married. 342 00:12:28,771 --> 00:12:30,773 Congratulations. Too bad about the food. 343 00:12:30,815 --> 00:12:33,652 I hope your flesh rots in… Wait. 344 00:12:33,692 --> 00:12:35,111 What about the food? 345 00:12:35,153 --> 00:12:37,405 Oh, I guess he didn't like your wedding toast. 346 00:12:37,447 --> 00:12:38,948 Golbak said that? 347 00:12:38,990 --> 00:12:41,326 Klang doesn't approve of you and Lisa, Golbak, 348 00:12:41,368 --> 00:12:45,746 and I don't get the sense it's because of his feelings for you. 349 00:12:45,788 --> 00:12:47,624 You know, I think about Lisa, 350 00:12:47,666 --> 00:12:50,043 sitting in that hole in darktooth canyon 351 00:12:50,084 --> 00:12:51,961 with little Framrok and Griknog 352 00:12:52,003 --> 00:12:54,548 rolling about on the wolf pelts. 353 00:12:54,589 --> 00:12:56,007 Come on, between you and me, 354 00:12:56,049 --> 00:12:57,925 which one do you think is yours? 355 00:12:57,967 --> 00:12:59,052 No! 356 00:13:02,847 --> 00:13:04,683 I know where the tower is. 357 00:13:24,661 --> 00:13:26,120 The sky spiders have flown you 358 00:13:26,162 --> 00:13:28,248 as far as their complex religion allows. 359 00:13:28,289 --> 00:13:32,043 They set you down and express through intricate prancing directions to the tower. 360 00:13:32,085 --> 00:13:33,628 Yes. 361 00:13:35,422 --> 00:13:37,131 Father, forgive me. 362 00:13:37,173 --> 00:13:39,384 I have traveled so far from you. 363 00:13:39,426 --> 00:13:42,970 How many game days since the skull river ripped us apart? 364 00:13:43,012 --> 00:13:45,848 How many real hours since I've gone pee? 365 00:13:45,890 --> 00:13:48,976 We seek this necromancer. Why? 366 00:13:49,018 --> 00:13:50,311 Why? 367 00:13:50,353 --> 00:13:52,771 Our reasons are dreams, our dreams, dust. 368 00:13:53,981 --> 00:13:56,693 I send word on wings of sparrows, 369 00:13:58,486 --> 00:14:01,322 in hopes they might find you. 370 00:14:01,364 --> 00:14:04,783 Abed says the odds are near impossible. 371 00:14:04,825 --> 00:14:06,745 That's enough for me. 372 00:14:09,706 --> 00:14:11,541 Should you receive this message, 373 00:14:11,583 --> 00:14:13,209 I know of a way to reunite. 374 00:14:13,251 --> 00:14:15,169 According to my character sheet, 375 00:14:15,211 --> 00:14:17,046 if I rub the blade of our magic family sword 376 00:14:17,088 --> 00:14:18,965 while you rub the hilt, 377 00:14:19,006 --> 00:14:22,469 twin beacons of light will reveal our locations to each other. 378 00:14:22,510 --> 00:14:26,264 Each night, I will think of you and rub, 379 00:14:26,306 --> 00:14:30,977 praying for the night fate will find us rubbing together. 380 00:14:31,018 --> 00:14:34,981 Your son, Joseph Gordon Diehard. 381 00:14:42,781 --> 00:14:44,616 Something strange has happened. 382 00:14:44,658 --> 00:14:46,826 A sparrow lands on Riggs Diehard's shoulder. 383 00:14:46,867 --> 00:14:48,828 It carries a note. 384 00:14:57,462 --> 00:15:01,090 Abed, I… Rub my sword's hilt? 385 00:15:01,132 --> 00:15:03,050 A beam of light shoots out from your location, 386 00:15:03,092 --> 00:15:05,178 as the hilt of diehard seeks its blade. 387 00:15:05,219 --> 00:15:08,765 The beam arcs and meets an equal beam in the woods to the north. 388 00:15:08,807 --> 00:15:10,224 Is that where the others are? 389 00:15:10,266 --> 00:15:12,935 Yes, 10 miles away, same as you. 390 00:15:12,977 --> 00:15:14,771 So we'll be arriving at the tower… 391 00:15:14,813 --> 00:15:16,690 At the same time tomorrow morning. 392 00:15:16,731 --> 00:15:18,441 This began as a race. 393 00:15:18,483 --> 00:15:19,859 But it may end in war. 394 00:15:21,235 --> 00:15:23,112 Does anybody have a toothpick? 395 00:15:23,154 --> 00:15:25,323 I got a piece of popcorn stuck in my tooth. 396 00:15:25,365 --> 00:15:26,949 You know, it's, like, right under the gum, 397 00:15:26,991 --> 00:15:28,868 and, you know, I've been trying, like, for 15 minutes 398 00:15:28,909 --> 00:15:32,372 with, you know, my tooth and, like, with my tongue and with my finger, 399 00:15:32,413 --> 00:15:34,833 and I'm always one tooth off, and I just can't seem to… 400 00:15:34,874 --> 00:15:37,460 Oh, hello, there we go. Anyway. 401 00:15:37,502 --> 00:15:39,420 But it may end in war. 402 00:15:49,639 --> 00:15:51,349 Maybe after all we've been through, 403 00:15:51,391 --> 00:15:53,976 we should just call this thing off. 404 00:15:54,018 --> 00:15:55,895 What, you think that's up to us? 405 00:15:55,936 --> 00:15:57,564 You've seen the way he talks to me. 406 00:15:57,605 --> 00:15:59,566 He doesn't want his own father in his life. 407 00:15:59,607 --> 00:16:02,569 He'll do anything to win, and that includes attacking you. 408 00:16:02,610 --> 00:16:05,112 And you best believe that your little friends 409 00:16:05,154 --> 00:16:07,699 in there are drinking up his kool-aid. 410 00:16:07,741 --> 00:16:10,785 This is a man who thinks of grandchildren like trophies. 411 00:16:13,037 --> 00:16:14,748 Which is why he'll play to win. 412 00:16:15,874 --> 00:16:17,500 And why I can't let him. 413 00:16:21,796 --> 00:16:24,924 Rise, brave, sweet dingleberry. 414 00:16:26,175 --> 00:16:27,677 Rise. 415 00:16:27,719 --> 00:16:30,764 Both parties have arrived at the black tower. 416 00:16:32,348 --> 00:16:33,725 Hi, guys. 417 00:16:33,767 --> 00:16:35,602 Father. Joseph Gordon. 418 00:16:35,643 --> 00:16:37,812 Mmm-mmm. 419 00:16:37,854 --> 00:16:39,939 We are here, so Tristram Steelheart, 420 00:16:39,980 --> 00:16:42,859 lord of the sky spiders, can slay the necromancer. 421 00:16:42,901 --> 00:16:44,861 You guys cool, or are we gonna have to get red? 422 00:16:44,903 --> 00:16:47,196 Tiny Nuggins, waterboarder of goblins, 423 00:16:47,238 --> 00:16:49,824 will do the slaying, because every man has the right 424 00:16:49,866 --> 00:16:51,618 to hang out with his grandson. 425 00:16:51,659 --> 00:16:52,702 Too bad you're outnumbered. 426 00:16:52,744 --> 00:16:54,579 No, they're not. 427 00:16:54,621 --> 00:16:56,748 I'm not part of this. 428 00:16:56,790 --> 00:16:59,667 I'm Joseph Gordon Diehard, and I am only here 429 00:16:59,709 --> 00:17:01,920 to hug my father, which I now do. 430 00:17:01,961 --> 00:17:03,212 It's a trick. 431 00:17:03,254 --> 00:17:04,714 I'm not letting him hug me. 432 00:17:04,756 --> 00:17:07,091 I hug my father. He has gunpowder in his pants. 433 00:17:07,133 --> 00:17:08,551 I draw my sword. Stay back! 434 00:17:08,593 --> 00:17:10,386 I draw an arrow. So do I. 435 00:17:10,428 --> 00:17:11,805 Troll sound! 436 00:17:11,846 --> 00:17:13,264 Jeff, do you lower your sword? No! 437 00:17:13,306 --> 00:17:15,934 Dean, are you… I hug my father! 438 00:17:15,975 --> 00:17:17,143 You're impaled. 439 00:17:31,616 --> 00:17:32,909 Worth it. 440 00:17:32,951 --> 00:17:34,744 Ugh. Good lord. 441 00:17:34,786 --> 00:17:36,329 Son slayer! 442 00:17:36,370 --> 00:17:38,080 I attack Jeff! Arrow at Chang! 443 00:17:38,122 --> 00:17:40,291 Arrow at Annie! I head for the door of the tower. 444 00:17:40,333 --> 00:17:41,960 So do I! 445 00:17:42,001 --> 00:17:44,086 Taste the blade of Diehard! 446 00:17:44,128 --> 00:17:45,839 I run for cover. I turn a snake into a rope. 447 00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:47,298 Fire two arrows at Annie. Spear, spear. 448 00:17:47,340 --> 00:17:49,049 I take the kid. I pop him. Three damage. 449 00:17:49,091 --> 00:17:51,302 Lightning bolt, lightning bolt, lightning bolt. 450 00:17:51,344 --> 00:17:53,471 Cure moderate wounds! 451 00:17:53,513 --> 00:17:55,932 I spray all over them. 452 00:17:55,974 --> 00:17:57,725 I hold Britta's face in a puddle. 453 00:17:57,767 --> 00:18:00,227 Seven damage. Cleave, cleave, cleave! 454 00:18:00,269 --> 00:18:01,896 I fire two arrows. 455 00:18:03,940 --> 00:18:07,276 Dingleberry smash! 456 00:18:07,318 --> 00:18:10,530 Plus three, demonic eye look. 457 00:18:10,571 --> 00:18:12,448 And shove it up them! 458 00:18:12,490 --> 00:18:14,367 After that, I put one right behind the ear. 459 00:18:17,203 --> 00:18:18,913 Sir Riggs, hand in your character sheet. 460 00:18:29,173 --> 00:18:30,675 Top floor of the tower, one door. I open it. 461 00:18:30,717 --> 00:18:32,218 I cast flame strike on him. 462 00:18:32,259 --> 00:18:33,636 You cast that already. Mace. 463 00:18:33,678 --> 00:18:34,888 Okay. Missed. Ah. 464 00:18:34,929 --> 00:18:36,764 I hit him with a throwing dagger. 465 00:18:36,806 --> 00:18:39,183 You used all your knives. Ah, what… Will one of you guys take care… 466 00:18:39,225 --> 00:18:41,268 What? You're all dead? I keep going. 467 00:18:41,310 --> 00:18:43,813 I follow. You've reached the necromancer's workshop. 468 00:18:43,855 --> 00:18:45,690 You see his bed, some bottles of goop, 469 00:18:45,732 --> 00:18:48,275 some other necromancing crap, but no necromancer. 470 00:18:48,317 --> 00:18:49,819 I search. I search. 471 00:18:49,861 --> 00:18:51,905 Can I search, or are you gonna stab me in the back? 472 00:18:51,946 --> 00:18:53,364 Hey, I am a thief, not a wuss. 473 00:18:53,406 --> 00:18:54,615 I search, too. 474 00:18:54,657 --> 00:18:56,367 Mmm-hmm. You find a secret door. 475 00:18:56,409 --> 00:18:58,036 It's easy because it's already open. 476 00:18:58,077 --> 00:18:59,662 It leads to a ladder, which goes straight down 477 00:18:59,704 --> 00:19:01,497 to another open door on the back of the tower. 478 00:19:01,539 --> 00:19:03,207 Ah, man. 479 00:19:03,249 --> 00:19:05,501 Way to go. That's great. He just got away. 480 00:19:05,543 --> 00:19:07,169 Hey, you can't just say he's gone. 481 00:19:07,211 --> 00:19:09,088 You owe us an ending. 482 00:19:09,630 --> 00:19:11,424 I owe you nothing. 483 00:19:11,465 --> 00:19:13,133 I am a dungeon master. 484 00:19:13,175 --> 00:19:16,012 I create a boundless world, and I bind it by rules. 485 00:19:16,054 --> 00:19:17,931 Too heavy for a bridge? It breaks. 486 00:19:17,972 --> 00:19:19,599 Get hit? Take damage. 487 00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:21,183 Spend an hour outside someone's front door, 488 00:19:21,225 --> 00:19:22,727 fighting over who gets to kill him? 489 00:19:22,769 --> 00:19:24,353 He leaves through the back. 490 00:19:24,395 --> 00:19:25,897 He's out there somewhere. 491 00:19:25,939 --> 00:19:28,024 You might find him, if you get your crap together. 492 00:19:28,066 --> 00:19:30,401 Hey, guys. Take it from a bunch of ghosts. 493 00:19:30,443 --> 00:19:32,236 This is no kind of life. 494 00:19:32,278 --> 00:19:34,614 You need fresh air and frozen yogurt. 495 00:19:34,655 --> 00:19:36,198 It's on me. 496 00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:37,283 Hug it out. 497 00:19:37,324 --> 00:19:38,492 Oh, see… Hug it out? 498 00:19:38,534 --> 00:19:40,494 Gag me. Who even uses that phrase? 499 00:19:40,536 --> 00:19:42,080 All right, I'm climbing down the ladder. I'm gonna find this guy. 500 00:19:42,121 --> 00:19:43,748 I stay and search the workshop. 501 00:19:43,790 --> 00:19:45,249 Does he have any stuff there that can heal me? 502 00:19:45,291 --> 00:19:46,333 You do find some potions. 503 00:19:46,375 --> 00:19:48,044 Okay, well, I get half of that. 504 00:19:48,086 --> 00:19:49,754 Excuse me, you just went down the ladder. 505 00:19:49,796 --> 00:19:51,005 Well, I can hear you… 506 00:19:51,047 --> 00:19:52,090 Can I hear him looting upstairs? 507 00:19:52,131 --> 00:19:53,507 Not if I move about silently. 508 00:19:53,549 --> 00:19:57,261 Fine. Fine. If I heal you, can we divide the potions? 509 00:19:57,303 --> 00:19:59,346 Okay. But I decide who gets what. 510 00:19:59,388 --> 00:20:01,599 All right, fine, but we've gotta be wary of traps. 511 00:20:01,641 --> 00:20:03,267 I don't have to do a damn thing that you tell me to do. 512 00:20:03,309 --> 00:20:05,227 What's going on? Shh. 513 00:20:05,269 --> 00:20:06,771 You outta your mind? Do you wanna get… Oh, you give me a break. 514 00:20:06,813 --> 00:20:08,022 The necromancer or not? 515 00:20:08,064 --> 00:20:09,315 Do you want… 516 00:20:10,817 --> 00:20:12,443 Do they like each other now? Are you kidding me? 517 00:20:12,485 --> 00:20:14,570 They can't stand being in the same room. 518 00:20:14,612 --> 00:20:17,115 I also don't think they can handle being apart. 519 00:20:17,156 --> 00:20:22,536 And I think they just found a way to avoid doing either. 520 00:20:26,666 --> 00:20:28,918 And that's the best most fathers and sons can do. 521 00:20:30,670 --> 00:20:32,880 You've made me so proud today. 522 00:20:32,922 --> 00:20:34,507 Ugh. 523 00:20:34,548 --> 00:20:36,050 Does anyone know where we can buy a real sword? 524 00:20:36,092 --> 00:20:38,177 Oh, Jeffrey. 525 00:20:45,225 --> 00:20:48,604 You're still at the entrance to the chamber of grief. 526 00:20:50,690 --> 00:20:52,441 Your move, Mr. Tickles. 527 00:20:56,029 --> 00:20:59,365 You successfully pour more tea into Count Frogula's cup. 528 00:20:59,406 --> 00:21:01,617 That puts it at Hillary Rodham kitten. 529 00:21:02,869 --> 00:21:05,371 Okay, you attempt to pass crumpets. 530 00:21:08,582 --> 00:21:10,126 You fail. 531 00:21:10,168 --> 00:21:11,961 Okay, guys, I'm getting a little frustrated. 532 00:21:12,003 --> 00:21:13,963 If you'd just take a look at your inventories, you'll see that… 533 00:21:14,005 --> 00:21:15,381 Abed, are you almost done? 534 00:21:15,422 --> 00:21:17,175 I can't sleep without my stuffies. 535 00:21:17,216 --> 00:21:18,801 Fine. Hold on. 536 00:21:20,386 --> 00:21:22,513 Oh, a goblin notices you and murders you all. 537 00:21:22,555 --> 00:21:23,764 You're dead. They're all yours.