1 00:00:02,154 --> 00:00:04,365 Well, that was a weird afternoon. 2 00:00:04,406 --> 00:00:08,160 I guess I knew Pierce was part of a weird, futuristic cult, 3 00:00:08,202 --> 00:00:11,664 but I wasn't prepared for a funeral with so much beeping. 4 00:00:11,706 --> 00:00:13,915 Well, let's not judge. 5 00:00:13,957 --> 00:00:17,586 Everyone has a right to whatever fake religion they delusionally choose. 6 00:00:17,628 --> 00:00:21,215 Abed, you were by the coffin for a long time. Are you okay? 7 00:00:21,256 --> 00:00:24,259 I'm okay. Although… 8 00:00:26,428 --> 00:00:27,722 Will you guys please stop doing that? 9 00:00:27,763 --> 00:00:29,515 I can't believe you did it during your eulogy. 10 00:00:29,557 --> 00:00:31,684 So uncomfortable. 11 00:00:31,726 --> 00:00:34,562 I don't think the audience got that we were singing "mourning" with a "U." 12 00:00:34,603 --> 00:00:36,814 You were singing "mourning" with a "U"? 13 00:00:36,856 --> 00:00:38,315 Oh, no. 14 00:00:38,357 --> 00:00:40,901 I still don't fully understand the Laser Lotus theology. 15 00:00:40,942 --> 00:00:44,154 So Pierce's body is in the coffin, and we buried it, 16 00:00:44,196 --> 00:00:46,532 but this energon pod contains his life… 17 00:00:46,574 --> 00:00:48,950 Vapor? 18 00:00:48,992 --> 00:00:50,994 Yeah, it's all right here in this incredibly persuasive literature they passed out. 19 00:00:51,036 --> 00:00:54,832 Once you reach level 16, you can see the color blurble. 20 00:00:54,874 --> 00:00:56,333 Of all the ridiculous cartoon nonsense. 21 00:00:56,375 --> 00:00:58,669 If there is a blurble, the Lord keeps it hidden for a reason. 22 00:00:58,711 --> 00:01:00,045 What up, n-bombs? 23 00:01:00,087 --> 00:01:02,673 How was the funeral? Awesome? 24 00:01:02,715 --> 00:01:05,509 No, Chang, our friend's funeral was not awesome. 25 00:01:05,551 --> 00:01:08,178 It was deeply sad. You know, funeral style. 26 00:01:08,220 --> 00:01:10,681 Excuse me. I thought you guys hated Pierce. 27 00:01:12,266 --> 00:01:13,726 We did not hate Pierce. Craziness. 28 00:01:13,768 --> 00:01:15,185 All right, are you sure you guys aren't 29 00:01:15,227 --> 00:01:17,688 just doing the "respect the dead" jig-a-lig? 30 00:01:17,730 --> 00:01:19,899 I think you have us mistaken for you, Chang. 31 00:01:19,940 --> 00:01:23,277 I don't know. I definitely remember you complaining about him 32 00:01:23,318 --> 00:01:24,986 a lot. 33 00:01:25,028 --> 00:01:27,573 We complained about him when he was alive. This is different. 34 00:01:27,615 --> 00:01:29,283 Can't believe we'll never see him again. 35 00:01:29,324 --> 00:01:31,201 Just a reminder you gotta live life to the fullest. 36 00:01:31,243 --> 00:01:32,661 By the time Pierce was my age, 37 00:01:32,703 --> 00:01:35,497 he had already been fired from 15 jobs. 38 00:01:35,539 --> 00:01:37,833 I've only seen two Police Academies. 39 00:01:38,375 --> 00:01:39,794 The last two. 40 00:01:39,835 --> 00:01:42,379 Well, he's gone too soon but won't be soon forgotten. 41 00:01:42,421 --> 00:01:44,757 I would say you're quite correct, Mr. Winger. 42 00:01:44,799 --> 00:01:45,925 Who the hell are you? 43 00:01:45,965 --> 00:01:47,468 My name is Mr. Stone. 44 00:01:47,509 --> 00:01:49,177 That's easy for you to say. 45 00:01:50,137 --> 00:01:51,597 And for us to say. 46 00:01:51,639 --> 00:01:53,307 I work for Mr. Hawthorne. 47 00:01:53,348 --> 00:01:56,143 He specified in his will that no matter how natural in appearance 48 00:01:56,184 --> 00:01:58,353 the circumstances of his death, 49 00:01:58,395 --> 00:02:02,149 a private inquest should be conducted to determine whether any one of you, 50 00:02:02,190 --> 00:02:05,026 his former study group, murdered him. 51 00:02:05,068 --> 00:02:06,779 What? 52 00:02:06,821 --> 00:02:08,906 To be cleared, you must all submit to a polygraph test. 53 00:02:08,948 --> 00:02:12,993 Aw, schnizzle. You guys are in trouble! 54 00:02:13,034 --> 00:02:14,119 Later. 55 00:02:14,161 --> 00:02:15,788 Mr. Chang, I presume. 56 00:02:15,830 --> 00:02:18,749 You're also listed as a suspect and requested to participate. 57 00:02:18,791 --> 00:02:20,960 Fine, but I ask the questions. 58 00:02:21,001 --> 00:02:22,210 I'm afraid I can't allow that. 59 00:02:22,252 --> 00:02:25,172 All right, then just the "fine" part. 60 00:02:25,213 --> 00:02:27,341 Oh! Oh! 61 00:02:27,382 --> 00:02:29,593 We're losing Pierce! Everyone, quickly! 62 00:02:34,849 --> 00:02:36,767 Someone get a balloon. 63 00:03:03,418 --> 00:03:05,253 I always wanted to try a polygraph. 64 00:03:05,295 --> 00:03:07,046 They're like the pie fight of cop movies. 65 00:03:07,088 --> 00:03:09,132 Or the acupuncture of the legal system. 66 00:03:09,174 --> 00:03:11,301 I can't believe Pierce would think we might murder him. 67 00:03:11,343 --> 00:03:12,761 Yeah, what a waste of murder. 68 00:03:12,803 --> 00:03:14,513 I mean, he was, like, 79. 69 00:03:14,555 --> 00:03:15,806 I don't suppose anyone wants to know 70 00:03:15,848 --> 00:03:17,766 I consider this a violation. Mmm-mmm. 71 00:03:17,808 --> 00:03:19,267 Come on, it's just Pierce being Pierce. 72 00:03:19,309 --> 00:03:20,686 It's his final wish. 73 00:03:20,728 --> 00:03:22,479 If I had a final wish, I'd use it to stay alive. 74 00:03:22,521 --> 00:03:24,272 Let's do it. How do we begin? 75 00:03:24,314 --> 00:03:26,025 We're to start with Miss Perry. 76 00:03:26,065 --> 00:03:28,109 State your name. Britta Perry. 77 00:03:28,151 --> 00:03:30,445 Have you ever had any thoughts of violence towards Pierce Hawthorne? 78 00:03:30,487 --> 00:03:32,489 No. Lie. 79 00:03:32,531 --> 00:03:36,117 I mean, I may have wanted to slap him now and again, but I didn't kill him. 80 00:03:36,159 --> 00:03:37,912 In all your sexual fantasies about Pierce Hawthorne, 81 00:03:37,953 --> 00:03:39,120 none of them involved his murder? 82 00:03:39,162 --> 00:03:40,581 What? No. 83 00:03:40,622 --> 00:03:42,666 But you have had sexual fantasies about Mr. Hawthorne. 84 00:03:42,708 --> 00:03:44,710 No! What kind of question is that? 85 00:03:44,752 --> 00:03:47,295 I'm asking the questions just as Mr. Hawthorne wrote them down, 86 00:03:47,337 --> 00:03:48,756 I assure you. 87 00:03:48,797 --> 00:03:50,549 Mr. Winger, state your name. 88 00:03:50,591 --> 00:03:51,451 Jeffrey Winger. 89 00:03:51,466 --> 00:03:52,718 Are you gay? No. 90 00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:54,386 Are you sure you're not gay? Yes. 91 00:03:54,428 --> 00:03:55,888 Gay murderer says what. What? 92 00:03:55,930 --> 00:03:57,514 He's telling the truth. I've been instructed 93 00:03:57,556 --> 00:03:58,933 to point out that that means you're gay. 94 00:03:58,974 --> 00:04:00,308 Ms. Bennett. Hmm? 95 00:04:00,350 --> 00:04:01,852 State your name. Shirley Bennett. 96 00:04:01,894 --> 00:04:03,144 Are you a dishonest person? 97 00:04:03,186 --> 00:04:04,939 No. She thinks that's true. 98 00:04:04,980 --> 00:04:06,607 Uh, you could have just said no. 99 00:04:06,648 --> 00:04:08,442 I'm watching you acting scientific 100 00:04:08,483 --> 00:04:09,860 and then adding your little two cents every now and again. 101 00:04:09,902 --> 00:04:11,862 Huh? Continue. 102 00:04:11,904 --> 00:04:13,488 Is it true that you're a platinum level donor 103 00:04:13,530 --> 00:04:16,491 with the pro-life organization prenatalpatriots.org? 104 00:04:16,533 --> 00:04:18,285 What? Keep it cool, girls. 105 00:04:18,326 --> 00:04:20,579 It's my money. It's my choice. 106 00:04:20,621 --> 00:04:22,497 Yeah, well, if I wanted the government in my uterus, 107 00:04:22,539 --> 00:04:24,833 I'd fill it with oil and Hispanic voters. 108 00:04:24,875 --> 00:04:27,461 Keep it frosty, ladies. Don't let your goats get gotched. 109 00:04:27,502 --> 00:04:29,504 Mr. Barnes, state your name. 110 00:04:29,546 --> 00:04:30,839 Troy Barnes. 111 00:04:30,881 --> 00:04:32,424 D'oh! I meant to say, "Butts Carlton." 112 00:04:32,466 --> 00:04:34,509 He did mean to say, "Butts Carlton." 113 00:04:34,551 --> 00:04:36,720 She said it. 114 00:04:36,762 --> 00:04:39,765 Mr. Barnes, did you get angry when Mr. Hawthorne told you Fat Albert died of diabetes? 115 00:04:39,807 --> 00:04:41,642 Yes, like any American would. 116 00:04:41,683 --> 00:04:43,143 Angry enough to murder him? No. 117 00:04:43,184 --> 00:04:44,436 Is it true that you and Abed Nadir 118 00:04:44,478 --> 00:04:46,313 have an elaborate doomsday escape plan 119 00:04:46,354 --> 00:04:49,733 to be used in the event of zombie attacks? 120 00:04:49,775 --> 00:04:51,944 We may have a designated rendezvous point 121 00:04:51,986 --> 00:04:56,239 and a couple of bugout bags filled with gold coins and condoms 122 00:04:56,281 --> 00:04:58,993 just in case we need to bargain our way onto a boat. 123 00:04:59,034 --> 00:05:01,202 The gold coins are for buying food. 124 00:05:01,244 --> 00:05:05,124 Does your doomsday plan account for the welfare of any of your other friends? 125 00:05:05,165 --> 00:05:06,875 Pass. Answer the question. 126 00:05:06,917 --> 00:05:09,210 No. Troy! Rude! 127 00:05:09,252 --> 00:05:11,505 It's a doomsday plan, not a picnic plan. 128 00:05:11,546 --> 00:05:12,923 Do you really wanna see the horrors 129 00:05:12,965 --> 00:05:15,050 we might have to endure just to get on a boat? 130 00:05:15,092 --> 00:05:16,510 I guess not. That's a lie. 131 00:05:16,551 --> 00:05:18,512 Ah! He's doing it again. 132 00:05:18,553 --> 00:05:19,888 Pierce is doing it again. 133 00:05:19,930 --> 00:05:21,682 Mr. Chang, state your name. 134 00:05:21,723 --> 00:05:25,185 Benjamin Franklin Chang, ready to deal out the truth. 135 00:05:25,226 --> 00:05:28,271 Nothing to hide. Let's do this. 136 00:05:28,313 --> 00:05:31,441 Have you ever masturbated in the study room? 137 00:05:33,777 --> 00:05:36,613 Mr. Nadir, state your name. Abed Nadir. 138 00:05:36,655 --> 00:05:38,490 Have you ever 9/11'd anyone? 139 00:05:38,532 --> 00:05:39,867 Nope. When you were a child, 140 00:05:39,908 --> 00:05:41,827 did you ever kill a squirrel with a slingshot 141 00:05:41,869 --> 00:05:43,411 and were surprised that you felt nothing 142 00:05:43,453 --> 00:05:46,832 and wondered if you were capable of doing it to a human? 143 00:05:48,207 --> 00:05:49,877 No. 144 00:05:50,669 --> 00:05:52,754 Ooh. 145 00:05:52,796 --> 00:05:55,256 Do you and Troy still actively use Jeff's Netflix account without his permission? 146 00:05:55,298 --> 00:05:57,216 Wait, what? You told Pierce that? 147 00:05:57,258 --> 00:05:59,636 You logged in at our place and never logged out, so we use it. 148 00:05:59,678 --> 00:06:02,221 Is that why my review of The Grey is constantly changing? 149 00:06:02,263 --> 00:06:03,598 Yes, stop giving it four stars. 150 00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:04,975 I like Liam Neeson! 151 00:06:05,017 --> 00:06:06,560 Then send him a message about the roles he chooses. 152 00:06:06,601 --> 00:06:08,520 Look, this is not the issue! You're stealing from me! 153 00:06:08,562 --> 00:06:10,981 And as your roommate, you're making me an accomplice. 154 00:06:11,023 --> 00:06:12,691 I had no idea. Lie. 155 00:06:12,733 --> 00:06:14,442 Why would I even try that? 156 00:06:14,484 --> 00:06:15,569 State your name please, Miss. 157 00:06:15,610 --> 00:06:17,112 Annie Edison. 158 00:06:17,154 --> 00:06:19,114 Miss Edison, did you use your exceptional intelligence 159 00:06:19,156 --> 00:06:21,658 and organizational skills to plot the foolproof murder 160 00:06:21,700 --> 00:06:22,910 of Pierce Hawthorne? 161 00:06:22,951 --> 00:06:25,162 Aww! And no. 162 00:06:25,204 --> 00:06:28,916 Is it true that you overcharged Troy and Abed for their share of the rent? 163 00:06:28,957 --> 00:06:30,209 Pierce! 164 00:06:30,249 --> 00:06:31,543 Annie? 165 00:06:31,585 --> 00:06:33,712 Yes, but for a good reason. 166 00:06:33,754 --> 00:06:35,797 You guys know you're bad with money. 167 00:06:35,839 --> 00:06:37,758 I padded your share of the rent by $10 168 00:06:37,799 --> 00:06:39,300 and I've been putting it into a savings account 169 00:06:39,342 --> 00:06:41,053 that yields 4%. 170 00:06:41,095 --> 00:06:42,888 You'll be thanking me in six years 171 00:06:42,930 --> 00:06:44,765 when you find out you have $86. 172 00:06:44,806 --> 00:06:46,100 That's jacket money. 173 00:06:46,141 --> 00:06:47,809 Oh, did you hear that, Abed? 174 00:06:47,851 --> 00:06:49,895 We've been washing paper plates and making our own toothpaste. 175 00:06:49,937 --> 00:06:51,270 But don't you worry. 176 00:06:51,312 --> 00:06:52,606 When we have robot bodies on the moon, 177 00:06:52,647 --> 00:06:53,982 we can share a free jacket. 178 00:06:54,024 --> 00:06:55,984 Annie, you should know better than to horde money. 179 00:06:56,026 --> 00:06:57,152 That's a stereotype. 180 00:06:57,194 --> 00:06:59,780 Was that anti-Semitism? No! 181 00:06:59,821 --> 00:07:01,115 That's sensitivity. 182 00:07:01,156 --> 00:07:02,950 It's anti-Semitic to do things like that 183 00:07:02,991 --> 00:07:04,576 when you know full well you're Jewish. 184 00:07:04,618 --> 00:07:06,203 Whoa. We could have bought a tire 185 00:07:06,245 --> 00:07:07,996 for our tire swing with that money. 186 00:07:08,038 --> 00:07:09,539 Or your own Netflix account? 187 00:07:09,581 --> 00:07:11,291 Liam Neeson? Not that great. Your rating system is flawed. 188 00:07:15,045 --> 00:07:17,714 All right! 189 00:07:17,756 --> 00:07:19,091 Let's begin. 190 00:07:19,133 --> 00:07:22,594 Wait, wait. What do you mean, "begin"? 191 00:07:22,636 --> 00:07:24,721 That completes the calibration round of questioning. 192 00:07:24,763 --> 00:07:26,181 We're ready to begin the formal inquest. 193 00:07:26,223 --> 00:07:27,307 I think we're ready to end. 194 00:07:27,348 --> 00:07:28,892 We've humored this long enough. 195 00:07:28,934 --> 00:07:31,270 Jeff, it's for Pierce. 196 00:07:31,311 --> 00:07:33,855 Look, respect for the dead is only a thing 197 00:07:33,897 --> 00:07:36,483 because the dead usually don't do any more damage. 198 00:07:36,524 --> 00:07:37,734 Ah. That's true. 199 00:07:37,776 --> 00:07:39,736 You can quit any time you like. 200 00:07:39,778 --> 00:07:43,282 But it should be noted that Mr. Hawthorne's estate is worth over $20 million 201 00:07:43,323 --> 00:07:44,699 and only those cleared of his murder 202 00:07:44,741 --> 00:07:46,660 can receive their bequeathments. 203 00:07:46,701 --> 00:07:48,954 I'm only gonna say this once. 204 00:07:48,996 --> 00:07:50,497 Clearly, Pierce is trying to lure us 205 00:07:50,538 --> 00:07:52,624 into a labyrinth of emotional manipulation 206 00:07:52,666 --> 00:07:54,334 and strategic instigation. 207 00:07:54,375 --> 00:07:56,170 And I think we're all smart enough to know 208 00:07:56,211 --> 00:07:57,838 we should quit while we're not ahead. 209 00:07:57,879 --> 00:07:59,422 I do believe we should… Yes, definitely. 210 00:07:59,464 --> 00:08:01,133 …quit while we're ahead. Absolutely. 211 00:08:01,175 --> 00:08:03,135 Right. They're all lying. 212 00:08:03,177 --> 00:08:05,679 We all know that, you judgmental bitch! 213 00:08:12,477 --> 00:08:14,646 Miss Perry, have you ever eaten at the sandwich shop 214 00:08:14,688 --> 00:08:16,940 started by Mrs. Bennett and Mr. Hawthorne? 215 00:08:16,982 --> 00:08:18,942 Yes. 216 00:08:18,984 --> 00:08:20,360 And what sandwich would you order from Shirley's Sandwiches? 217 00:08:20,401 --> 00:08:22,403 The only one I can, the Helen of Soy with no mayo. 218 00:08:22,445 --> 00:08:23,780 Helen of Soy. Are you aware that in order 219 00:08:23,822 --> 00:08:26,407 to save money, Shirley stopped using real tofu 220 00:08:26,449 --> 00:08:28,785 and replaced it with a midwestern tofu substitute 221 00:08:28,827 --> 00:08:30,829 called "Meatfu"? 222 00:08:30,871 --> 00:08:32,622 Oh, my God! Oh! 223 00:08:32,664 --> 00:08:35,834 It's still not actually meat… legally. 224 00:08:35,876 --> 00:08:39,087 You have never respected anything that I hold sacred! 225 00:08:39,129 --> 00:08:40,964 I'm sorry! Shirley, did you know 226 00:08:41,006 --> 00:08:44,301 that Britta was high on marijuana at your son's baptism? 227 00:08:44,343 --> 00:08:45,552 I'm sorry? 228 00:08:45,593 --> 00:08:48,305 Well, no higher than usual. Not true. 229 00:08:48,347 --> 00:08:50,682 You did drugs in my church? 230 00:08:50,724 --> 00:08:53,227 No, I did drugs in the parking lot of your church. 231 00:08:53,268 --> 00:08:54,477 How else do you expect somebody 232 00:08:54,519 --> 00:08:56,188 to sit through something like that? 233 00:08:56,230 --> 00:08:58,273 At least with a bris there's an element of suspense. 234 00:08:58,315 --> 00:09:01,235 Well, next time, I'll have Cheech and Chong do the warm-up! 235 00:09:01,276 --> 00:09:04,612 Guys, these questions are obviously designed to turn us against each other. 236 00:09:04,654 --> 00:09:06,614 If we want to beat Pierce at his game, 237 00:09:06,656 --> 00:09:09,284 we have to own up to our mistakes and forgive each other. 238 00:09:09,326 --> 00:09:11,828 Mr. Winger, is it true that you keep trophies of your sexual conquests? 239 00:09:13,038 --> 00:09:15,082 In a church, Britta? 240 00:09:15,123 --> 00:09:16,250 For shame. 241 00:09:16,291 --> 00:09:17,876 It's where Jesus gets his mail. 242 00:09:17,918 --> 00:09:20,754 Answer the question, Adrien Grody! 243 00:09:20,795 --> 00:09:22,797 I know what Pierce is referring to. 244 00:09:22,839 --> 00:09:26,009 I have a box of forgotten items in my apartment. 245 00:09:26,051 --> 00:09:28,887 I happen to be a single male. Visitors leave things. 246 00:09:28,929 --> 00:09:31,390 Is one of your trophies a pair of Miss Perry's panties? 247 00:09:31,431 --> 00:09:34,851 You told me a hawk stole them! 248 00:09:34,893 --> 00:09:37,312 You exploited me and made me believe 249 00:09:37,354 --> 00:09:39,189 in a slightly more magical world. 250 00:09:39,231 --> 00:09:41,316 If you want to collect women's underwear, can't you just buy them? 251 00:09:41,358 --> 00:09:42,219 They have to be won in battle. 252 00:09:42,234 --> 00:09:43,902 Oh! Blegh! Gross! 253 00:09:43,944 --> 00:09:45,320 Jeffrey! Awesome. 254 00:09:45,362 --> 00:09:48,073 I think we can all agree that the gross thing here 255 00:09:48,115 --> 00:09:49,783 is that Pierce is snooping through my stuff. 256 00:09:49,824 --> 00:09:51,785 Not really, Abed and I go through your stuff all the time. 257 00:09:51,826 --> 00:09:53,912 Why do you keep bread in the freezer? 258 00:09:53,954 --> 00:09:55,956 And why does your bathroom mirror say, "You're special," when you fog it up? 259 00:09:55,997 --> 00:09:57,082 Look, I don't have to answer these… 260 00:09:57,124 --> 00:09:58,792 You took a shower? Yeah. 261 00:09:58,833 --> 00:10:00,210 Mr. Barnes. Okay! I did it! 262 00:10:00,252 --> 00:10:01,795 Okay? I killed Pierce! 263 00:10:01,836 --> 00:10:03,546 Lie. Okay, good. 264 00:10:03,588 --> 00:10:04,672 Just making sure. 265 00:10:04,714 --> 00:10:06,591 You and Abed Nadir have a specialized, 266 00:10:06,633 --> 00:10:08,093 exclusive handshake that you refuse to do 267 00:10:08,135 --> 00:10:09,079 with your other friends? 268 00:10:09,094 --> 00:10:11,179 Absolutely. 269 00:10:11,221 --> 00:10:12,680 Mr. Barnes, did you invent that handshake? 270 00:10:12,722 --> 00:10:13,890 Yes. 271 00:10:13,932 --> 00:10:15,309 Lie. 272 00:10:15,350 --> 00:10:16,977 Mr. Barnes, are you a subscriber 273 00:10:17,018 --> 00:10:18,895 to the video blog "Fun for Friends"? 274 00:10:18,937 --> 00:10:20,314 No. Lie. 275 00:10:20,355 --> 00:10:22,399 Silence, wench! 276 00:10:22,441 --> 00:10:24,151 Hi, I'm Kevin, 277 00:10:24,192 --> 00:10:25,819 this is Kyle, and here's a fun handshake 278 00:10:25,860 --> 00:10:27,612 you can do with your best friend. 279 00:10:29,489 --> 00:10:30,991 All right! Thanks for watching, guys. 280 00:10:31,032 --> 00:10:33,952 Don't forget to rate us, comment, and subscribe. 281 00:10:33,994 --> 00:10:35,162 Can't look at you right now. 282 00:10:35,203 --> 00:10:36,788 Then you should know I'm crying. 283 00:10:36,830 --> 00:10:38,415 I forgive you, but only to escape the established pattern 284 00:10:38,457 --> 00:10:39,624 of self-righteous indignation 285 00:10:39,666 --> 00:10:41,209 followed by immediate comeuppance. 286 00:10:41,251 --> 00:10:42,627 Mr. Nadir. 287 00:10:42,669 --> 00:10:43,795 Okay, I guess it's happening anyway. 288 00:10:43,837 --> 00:10:45,130 You broke my heart. Continue. 289 00:10:45,172 --> 00:10:47,007 Is it true that you planted geo-trafficking devices 290 00:10:47,048 --> 00:10:48,508 on everyone in the group so that you would know 291 00:10:48,549 --> 00:10:50,427 where they are at all times? Yes. 292 00:10:52,929 --> 00:10:55,390 Okay, you guys are changing your faces. Are you mad at me or hungry? 293 00:10:55,432 --> 00:10:57,100 You're tracking us? 294 00:10:57,142 --> 00:10:58,643 We're mad at you, Abed. 295 00:10:58,685 --> 00:11:00,854 Why? Because we already live 296 00:11:00,895 --> 00:11:02,939 in a totalitarian surveillance state. 297 00:11:02,981 --> 00:11:05,192 Do you not read my status updates? 298 00:11:05,233 --> 00:11:06,443 But I'm not the government. I'm your friend. 299 00:11:06,485 --> 00:11:08,362 That's what governments say, nimrod. 300 00:11:08,403 --> 00:11:10,489 It's cool. When one of you gets kidnapped, 301 00:11:10,530 --> 00:11:12,115 you'll be glad you don't have to count 302 00:11:12,157 --> 00:11:13,532 the bumps on the highway from the trunk of the car. 303 00:11:13,574 --> 00:11:15,910 Are those blinking dots us? Mmm-hmm. 304 00:11:15,952 --> 00:11:17,704 Well, what's this one all the way to the side? 305 00:11:17,745 --> 00:11:20,957 That's where Pierce is buried. 306 00:11:20,999 --> 00:11:24,378 Is that why you were spending so much time by the coffin? 307 00:11:24,419 --> 00:11:26,921 I was trying to get it back. They're expensive. And he's not moving anymore. 308 00:11:26,963 --> 00:11:29,007 Abed, where did you plant these things? 309 00:11:29,049 --> 00:11:30,842 If you makes you feel any better, you'll never find them. 310 00:11:30,884 --> 00:11:33,887 I know you know it's wrong to do that without telling us. 311 00:11:33,928 --> 00:11:36,181 Shame on you! Okay, I'm ashamed. 312 00:11:36,223 --> 00:11:37,682 Lie. 313 00:11:37,724 --> 00:11:39,726 Miss Edison, is it true you once secretly dosed 314 00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:40,935 the members of your study group 315 00:11:40,977 --> 00:11:42,854 with a pharmaceutical amphetamine? 316 00:11:43,522 --> 00:11:45,357 Uh-hmm. 317 00:11:47,234 --> 00:11:49,652 Oh, uh, yes, kind of. What? 318 00:11:49,694 --> 00:11:52,322 It sounds worse on paper than it was. 319 00:11:52,364 --> 00:11:54,157 We were cramming for the Anthro final. 320 00:11:54,199 --> 00:11:55,700 Everyone was falling asleep. 321 00:11:55,742 --> 00:11:57,911 I put five milligrams of something-something 322 00:11:57,952 --> 00:12:00,330 in your coffees and we all got an "A." Done! 323 00:12:00,372 --> 00:12:01,873 I'm a bad person for tracking your location, 324 00:12:01,915 --> 00:12:03,582 but you altered my brain chemistry? 325 00:12:03,624 --> 00:12:05,335 I was up for three days that week. 326 00:12:05,377 --> 00:12:06,503 I invented an entire language, 327 00:12:06,545 --> 00:12:07,670 you fliztbarping gitzgorg. 328 00:12:07,712 --> 00:12:09,506 I'm sorry. You messed with my brain. 329 00:12:09,548 --> 00:12:11,174 That's a big deal. This is a big deal. 330 00:12:11,216 --> 00:12:12,342 I don't mess with your brain, Annie. 331 00:12:12,384 --> 00:12:14,135 You kind of do. I don't think I do. 332 00:12:14,177 --> 00:12:15,303 What about her Facebook boyfriend? 333 00:12:15,345 --> 00:12:16,555 What? That's different. 334 00:12:16,595 --> 00:12:18,098 You made a profile for a fake dude 335 00:12:18,139 --> 00:12:19,974 and lured her into an online relationship. 336 00:12:20,016 --> 00:12:22,060 He's catfishing you. 337 00:12:22,102 --> 00:12:25,480 You're Olympic pole-vaulting hopeful Brent Underjaw? 338 00:12:25,522 --> 00:12:26,940 I noticed whenever you were in a relationship, 339 00:12:26,981 --> 00:12:28,858 you hummed a lot and made pancakes in the morning. 340 00:12:28,900 --> 00:12:31,236 It wasn't about hurting you. I did what I did in the name of breakfast. 341 00:12:31,278 --> 00:12:34,072 I bore my soul to you! 342 00:12:34,114 --> 00:12:37,576 I told you about my holding hands at Disneyland fantasy. 343 00:12:37,616 --> 00:12:40,412 Do you care about people at all, Abed? 344 00:12:40,454 --> 00:12:43,290 Answer on the polygraph! 345 00:12:43,331 --> 00:12:44,623 Jeff made me apply for handicapped parking 346 00:12:44,665 --> 00:12:46,501 so he can get a better spot. 347 00:12:46,543 --> 00:12:48,002 Britta's the one that invited Garrett 348 00:12:48,044 --> 00:12:49,296 to Annie's birthday party! 349 00:12:49,337 --> 00:12:51,423 Troy won't sit on a toilet seat after Jeff! 350 00:12:51,465 --> 00:12:52,840 When we're alone, Shirley refers to you guys 351 00:12:52,882 --> 00:12:54,008 as "those people." 352 00:12:54,050 --> 00:12:55,634 Oh! When Annie's with other females, dude, 353 00:12:55,676 --> 00:12:57,137 she calls Jeff her uncle! 354 00:12:57,178 --> 00:12:58,721 Shirley thinks we're all going to hell! 355 00:12:58,763 --> 00:13:00,765 You are all going to hell! Oh, what? 356 00:13:04,269 --> 00:13:05,770 Guys, stop! 357 00:13:05,812 --> 00:13:08,398 We have to stop letting Pierce do this to us! 358 00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:13,194 Mr. Hawthorne hasn't asked a question in quite some time, Mr. Winger. 359 00:13:13,236 --> 00:13:15,113 He's right. 360 00:13:15,155 --> 00:13:17,907 I actually forgot for a second that Pierce was dead. 361 00:13:17,949 --> 00:13:19,993 Maybe that's what he wanted. 362 00:13:20,034 --> 00:13:22,370 Or maybe he wanted us to know we're no better off without him. 363 00:13:22,412 --> 00:13:24,331 Or no better than him. 364 00:13:26,249 --> 00:13:28,751 He kind of nailed it, didn't he? 365 00:13:28,793 --> 00:13:31,379 I didn't just masturbate in the study room. 366 00:13:31,421 --> 00:13:34,633 I masturbated everywhere. 367 00:13:34,715 --> 00:13:37,676 Everywhere! 368 00:13:39,887 --> 00:13:41,598 Huh. 369 00:13:41,640 --> 00:13:44,351 Confession is good for the soul. 370 00:13:44,392 --> 00:13:46,727 You should try it sometime. 371 00:13:51,941 --> 00:13:54,819 There's another round of questions, if you'd like to continue. 372 00:13:54,861 --> 00:13:56,695 You want to give us a moment to sit in our own filth 373 00:13:56,737 --> 00:13:58,615 before you heap another bucket on us? 374 00:13:58,657 --> 00:14:00,534 It's strange after all these years 375 00:14:00,575 --> 00:14:02,243 how much we've kept hidden from each other. 376 00:14:02,285 --> 00:14:05,413 You'd think by now we would have learned to be better people. 377 00:14:05,455 --> 00:14:07,040 I think we got into this mess by thinking 378 00:14:07,081 --> 00:14:10,293 there was such a thing as better people. 379 00:14:10,335 --> 00:14:12,753 Wait. That's it. 380 00:14:12,795 --> 00:14:14,922 If we're no better than Pierce, 381 00:14:14,964 --> 00:14:17,800 and Pierce is no worse than us, then that means 382 00:14:17,842 --> 00:14:19,219 nobody's really that bad. 383 00:14:19,260 --> 00:14:21,262 So what if we're willing to suffer 384 00:14:21,304 --> 00:14:25,058 and inflict pain at the mere prospect of material reward? 385 00:14:25,099 --> 00:14:27,227 If we stop now, that doesn't make us better. 386 00:14:27,268 --> 00:14:30,605 It just makes us so dishonest that we would rather be poor 387 00:14:30,647 --> 00:14:32,440 than admit we're flawed. 388 00:14:32,482 --> 00:14:36,319 Pierce admitted he was flawed, and he died rich. 389 00:14:36,361 --> 00:14:40,365 Let's celebrate his life and death in the honest way, 390 00:14:40,407 --> 00:14:42,617 not by saying fake nice things around a casket, 391 00:14:42,659 --> 00:14:44,911 but by admitting we're monsters 392 00:14:44,952 --> 00:14:48,831 and clawing joyfully for some of his cash. 393 00:14:48,873 --> 00:14:52,877 So does anybody have anything left before we continue? 394 00:14:52,919 --> 00:14:56,715 Let's empty our tanks of lies once and for all. 395 00:14:56,756 --> 00:14:59,008 I'm Jeff Winger, and if I had my choice, 396 00:14:59,050 --> 00:15:00,968 I would rather look at myself naked 397 00:15:01,010 --> 00:15:02,887 than the women I sleep with. 398 00:15:02,929 --> 00:15:05,973 I'm the one who hit Jeff's Lexus in the parking lot. 399 00:15:06,015 --> 00:15:08,059 It wasn't a taco truck, and it was racist of me 400 00:15:08,101 --> 00:15:10,437 to improvise such an ethnically specific vehicle. 401 00:15:10,478 --> 00:15:13,314 I only give money to homeless people when I'm walking with someone. 402 00:15:13,356 --> 00:15:15,233 I've never been to LEGOLAND. 403 00:15:15,275 --> 00:15:17,360 I just wanted you guys to think I was cool. 404 00:15:17,402 --> 00:15:20,447 I can be passive-aggressive sometimes. 405 00:15:20,488 --> 00:15:22,282 Don't everybody disagree at once. 406 00:15:22,323 --> 00:15:23,617 Oh, Lord, I did it again. 407 00:15:23,658 --> 00:15:25,326 When any of you chew gum, I want to punch you. 408 00:15:25,368 --> 00:15:26,745 You may as well have submachine guns in your mouths. 409 00:15:26,786 --> 00:15:28,204 It vibrates my skull. 410 00:15:28,246 --> 00:15:31,666 Everybody clear? All right. 411 00:15:31,708 --> 00:15:34,335 Mr. Stone, hit us with your grand finale. 412 00:15:34,377 --> 00:15:37,046 May it be as brutal as we deserve. 413 00:15:37,088 --> 00:15:38,298 Very well. 414 00:15:38,339 --> 00:15:40,967 Mr. Hawthorne's final round of questions. 415 00:15:41,008 --> 00:15:43,261 Britta Perry. 416 00:15:43,303 --> 00:15:45,680 "Do you know that you hate yourself more than you should 417 00:15:45,722 --> 00:15:48,725 "and that your passion inspired me?" 418 00:15:48,767 --> 00:15:50,059 No. 419 00:15:50,101 --> 00:15:51,770 That's true. She didn't know. 420 00:15:51,811 --> 00:15:54,773 "To Miss Perry, I leave my iPod Nano 421 00:15:54,814 --> 00:15:57,817 "filled with music to take life less seriously by." 422 00:15:57,858 --> 00:15:59,986 Oh, that's nice. 423 00:16:00,027 --> 00:16:02,113 "I also leave you this liquid nitrogen cooled cylinder 424 00:16:02,155 --> 00:16:03,698 "of my hyper-virile sperm 425 00:16:03,740 --> 00:16:05,950 "in case your lesbian lifestyle one day wears out 426 00:16:05,992 --> 00:16:08,953 "and you wish to raise an army of geniuses." 427 00:16:08,995 --> 00:16:10,664 Shirley. Hmm? 428 00:16:10,705 --> 00:16:12,123 "Did you know that you are not only a credit 429 00:16:12,165 --> 00:16:14,334 "to your race and gender, but to our species, 430 00:16:14,375 --> 00:16:16,586 "and that I was intimidated by your strength of character 431 00:16:16,628 --> 00:16:18,672 "and business acumen?" Yes. 432 00:16:18,713 --> 00:16:20,131 "To Shirley Bennett 433 00:16:20,173 --> 00:16:22,091 "I leave my spacious timeshare in Florida…" 434 00:16:23,217 --> 00:16:24,469 "…where she can take what's-his-name 435 00:16:24,511 --> 00:16:25,595 "and however many children she has now." 436 00:16:25,637 --> 00:16:27,096 Uh-huh. 437 00:16:27,138 --> 00:16:28,515 "I also leave you a cylinder of my sperm." 438 00:16:28,556 --> 00:16:32,101 Oh. Annie Edison. 439 00:16:32,143 --> 00:16:33,978 "Did you know that you were always my favorite?" 440 00:16:34,020 --> 00:16:35,689 You mentioned it once, but… 441 00:16:35,730 --> 00:16:38,899 "I leave you this tiara, which you once refused to accept. 442 00:16:38,941 --> 00:16:40,193 "It's the same tiara I used to wear 443 00:16:40,234 --> 00:16:41,736 "when my mother would verbally assault me 444 00:16:41,778 --> 00:16:43,488 "for not being a little girl. 445 00:16:43,530 --> 00:16:45,740 "Also sperm." 446 00:16:45,782 --> 00:16:47,826 Jeff Winger. "Did you know you're gay?" 447 00:16:47,867 --> 00:16:50,704 No. "Agree to disagree. 448 00:16:50,745 --> 00:16:53,122 "To you, I leave this bottle of fine scotch 449 00:16:53,164 --> 00:16:54,915 "so that you're less tempted to drink this cylinder 450 00:16:54,957 --> 00:16:57,418 "of even finer sperm." 451 00:16:57,460 --> 00:16:59,671 Abed Nadir. "Did you know that you are insane 452 00:16:59,713 --> 00:17:01,964 "and nothing that you said ever made any sense to me?" 453 00:17:02,006 --> 00:17:04,008 Yep. Here's your sperm. 454 00:17:04,050 --> 00:17:07,094 Troy Barnes. "Did you know that you possess 455 00:17:07,136 --> 00:17:09,055 "the greatest gift life can give. 456 00:17:09,096 --> 00:17:11,974 "The heart of a hero. And that it's up to you 457 00:17:12,016 --> 00:17:14,602 "not to waste it like I did?" 458 00:17:15,687 --> 00:17:16,937 I think. 459 00:17:16,979 --> 00:17:21,025 "To Troy, I leave the obligatory sperm." 460 00:17:21,067 --> 00:17:23,737 Maybe it's because everyone else got one, 461 00:17:23,778 --> 00:17:26,280 and because it's an old man's semen, 462 00:17:26,322 --> 00:17:30,159 but, um, I'm kind of disappointed. 463 00:17:30,201 --> 00:17:32,286 "In addition, I am prepared to leave Troy Barnes 464 00:17:32,328 --> 00:17:34,997 "my remaining shares in the Hawthorne Wipes company, 465 00:17:35,039 --> 00:17:38,042 "currently valued at $14.3 million." 466 00:17:39,919 --> 00:17:42,505 "On one condition. 467 00:17:42,547 --> 00:17:45,925 "You must first sail my boat, the Childish Tycoon, 468 00:17:45,966 --> 00:17:48,302 "by yourself around the entire world." 469 00:17:48,344 --> 00:17:49,596 What? 470 00:17:49,637 --> 00:17:50,722 Again with the bait and switch. 471 00:17:50,764 --> 00:17:53,182 "When I was 23, my father asked me 472 00:17:53,224 --> 00:17:55,769 "to do the same thing to earn my adulthood and his fortune. 473 00:17:55,810 --> 00:17:58,104 "Of course I cheated and floated off the coast of Belize 474 00:17:58,145 --> 00:18:00,273 "for a year doing coke with John Denver. 475 00:18:00,314 --> 00:18:01,733 "I always regretted it. 476 00:18:01,775 --> 00:18:04,569 "I'd like to give you a chance to do what I never did, 477 00:18:04,611 --> 00:18:07,655 "become your own man." 478 00:18:07,697 --> 00:18:09,449 Okay, I'm a lawyer, Troy. 479 00:18:09,490 --> 00:18:10,742 It should be possible 480 00:18:10,784 --> 00:18:13,327 to contest these conditions as unreasonable… 481 00:18:13,369 --> 00:18:15,037 I'll do it. And Pierce can take 482 00:18:15,079 --> 00:18:16,205 his mind games and his sperm and he can put… 483 00:18:16,247 --> 00:18:17,191 I'll do it. 484 00:18:17,206 --> 00:18:18,499 What? 485 00:18:19,584 --> 00:18:21,127 Troy? 486 00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:23,170 Pierce was a crazy old coot, yeah, 487 00:18:23,212 --> 00:18:26,048 but I think he knew something about me 488 00:18:26,090 --> 00:18:28,760 that even I didn't know until now. 489 00:18:28,802 --> 00:18:30,094 Because he's offering me something 490 00:18:30,136 --> 00:18:33,598 I've been searching for my whole life. 491 00:18:35,642 --> 00:18:38,645 Millions of dollars. 492 00:18:38,686 --> 00:18:41,564 And being a man or whatever he said. 493 00:18:41,606 --> 00:18:43,983 Jeff, say something. 494 00:18:46,110 --> 00:18:47,904 I'm speechless. 495 00:18:49,656 --> 00:18:51,741 Somebody say something! 496 00:18:51,783 --> 00:18:52,992 Abed? 497 00:18:56,454 --> 00:19:00,207 Cool. Cool, cool, cool. 498 00:19:00,249 --> 00:19:01,876 That's a lie. 499 00:19:12,386 --> 00:19:14,096 And then that sperm came down! 500 00:19:14,138 --> 00:19:16,599 I mean, I couldn't say anything! 501 00:19:16,641 --> 00:19:19,769 But oh, my God! I was gonna explode! 502 00:19:19,811 --> 00:19:22,772 And then that one, that last question, 503 00:19:22,814 --> 00:19:25,525 with all of that nice stuff out on the table, 504 00:19:25,566 --> 00:19:26,860 and you guys were having this discussion 505 00:19:26,901 --> 00:19:28,444 about whether or not to quit? 506 00:19:28,486 --> 00:19:31,071 At first, I was like, "Aaaaah!" 507 00:19:31,113 --> 00:19:32,281 But you did it! 508 00:19:32,323 --> 00:19:35,409 You did it! It was amazing! 509 00:19:35,451 --> 00:19:37,996 You're amazing, man! You're amazing! 510 00:19:38,037 --> 00:19:40,414 Guys, this is the best. 511 00:19:40,456 --> 00:19:42,667 We should do this every week. 512 00:19:42,709 --> 00:19:44,794 Oh, I'm a fun guy, you know? 513 00:19:44,836 --> 00:19:46,921 I mean, you talk about lying. 514 00:19:46,963 --> 00:19:48,172 I was lying the whole time. 515 00:19:48,214 --> 00:19:50,341 This is who I really am. This is me. 516 00:19:50,383 --> 00:19:52,802 This is the real me. I'm artistic. 517 00:19:52,844 --> 00:19:56,597 Ideas come to me all the time. 518 00:19:56,639 --> 00:19:58,516 I have this idea for a movie. 519 00:19:58,558 --> 00:20:01,394 It's about this guy who oversees polygraph tests, 520 00:20:01,435 --> 00:20:04,271 and the biggest obstacle is how good-looking he is. 521 00:20:04,313 --> 00:20:06,607 People can't focus and tell the truth. 522 00:20:06,649 --> 00:20:07,984 It's unbelievable. 523 00:20:08,026 --> 00:20:09,903 By the way, uh, 524 00:20:09,944 --> 00:20:12,363 we never found out how Pierce died. 525 00:20:12,405 --> 00:20:15,533 Oh, my God. I can't believe I didn't tell you yet. 526 00:20:15,575 --> 00:20:20,079 It was dehydration from filling up all of those cylinders. 527 00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:23,249 I mean, it's how I want to go, but, hey, I'm a little nutty. 528 00:20:23,290 --> 00:20:25,125 Mmm! 529 00:20:25,167 --> 00:20:27,628 Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking? 530 00:20:27,670 --> 00:20:29,296 Shots!