1
00:00:07,823 --> 00:00:09,366
Oh.

2
00:00:09,408 --> 00:00:12,703
Please stay for
complimentary saltines
and full-price sodas.

3
00:00:12,745 --> 00:00:15,539
But first, the dulcet tones
of the Bennett boys.

4
00:00:34,975 --> 00:00:36,226
Bro, free crackers.

5
00:00:36,268 --> 00:00:37,853
Want to spend your life
opening lockers?

6
00:00:37,895 --> 00:00:38,938
You don't have to
raise your voice!

7
00:00:38,979 --> 00:00:40,689
I'm going as fast
as I can!

8
00:00:44,192 --> 00:00:46,027
Oh, great, now I have
these folders to deal with!

9
00:00:47,404 --> 00:00:48,614
Et tu, pencil?

10
00:00:50,658 --> 00:00:53,076
When it rains, it pours.

11
00:01:03,921 --> 00:01:07,007
Ass Crack Bandit!

12
00:01:40,039 --> 00:01:42,001
Let's settle down!

13
00:01:42,041 --> 00:01:44,127
Guys, what is known…

14
00:01:44,169 --> 00:01:47,506
What's known is that
around noon yesterday,

15
00:01:47,548 --> 00:01:49,717
an unidentified student
dropped a coin

16
00:01:49,758 --> 00:01:52,761
in another student's,
you know, upper buttock fold.

17
00:01:52,803 --> 00:01:54,889
Yes, yes.

18
00:01:54,930 --> 00:01:56,223
Gwen Ridley,
Greendale Gazette.

19
00:01:56,264 --> 00:01:58,350
Is this the return
of the Ass Crack Bandit?

20
00:01:58,392 --> 00:02:01,228
Okay, that person, Gwen,
if he ever existed,

21
00:02:01,269 --> 00:02:03,271
stopped being active
over a year ago.

22
00:02:03,313 --> 00:02:04,606
Yeah.

23
00:02:04,648 --> 00:02:06,066
Tim Briggs,
Breendale Mirror.

24
00:02:06,107 --> 00:02:07,776
Is it true that
after the attack,

25
00:02:07,818 --> 00:02:09,653
you received a letter
from the Ass Crack Bandit?

26
00:02:09,695 --> 00:02:11,279
I never said that, Tim,

27
00:02:11,321 --> 00:02:13,114
and when did we split
The Gazette from The Mirror?

28
00:02:13,156 --> 00:02:15,492
And how many photographs
do you people need?

29
00:02:15,534 --> 00:02:17,661
Raul Lopez, Las Noticias
Hispanicas De Greendale.

30
00:02:17,703 --> 00:02:19,955
Will this affect soccer?

31
00:02:19,997 --> 00:02:21,874
We did, in fact,
receive a letter

32
00:02:21,916 --> 00:02:23,542
an hour after
the incident.

33
00:02:23,584 --> 00:02:26,045
Including details
not known to the public

34
00:02:26,127 --> 00:02:28,839
about the brand
of Garrett's underwear.

35
00:02:28,881 --> 00:02:30,173
Hanes his ways.

36
00:02:31,174 --> 00:02:33,052
"I am the Ass Crack Bandit.

37
00:02:33,093 --> 00:02:35,136
"Humans make better
banks than piggies.

38
00:02:35,178 --> 00:02:36,931
"Whenever I get more
change at the store,

39
00:02:36,972 --> 00:02:39,349
"I can't wait to drop it
down your butts.

40
00:02:39,391 --> 00:02:42,143
"I think I will go
to the bank and get
so much change

41
00:02:42,185 --> 00:02:44,312
"and take all my dollars
and make them into change

42
00:02:44,354 --> 00:02:45,773
"and drop it
all down there."

43
00:02:45,814 --> 00:02:47,482
He should be called
"The Run-On Sentence Bandit."

44
00:02:47,524 --> 00:02:50,027
From this moment, people,
we are at DEFCON 4.

45
00:02:50,069 --> 00:02:51,695
If that's the
highest DEFCON,

46
00:02:51,737 --> 00:02:53,781
and if high DEFCONs
are worse than low ones.

47
00:02:53,822 --> 00:02:56,366
Ah, you all
remember psychology
Professor Duncan.

48
00:02:56,408 --> 00:02:57,993
Hey, buddy.
Where'd you go?

49
00:02:58,035 --> 00:02:59,578
I was taking care
of my sick mother.

50
00:02:59,620 --> 00:03:02,039
She's still alive,
but I've put in my time.

51
00:03:02,081 --> 00:03:03,373
Britta.

52
00:03:03,415 --> 00:03:05,166
Oh, Pierce, good for you.
I always thought

53
00:03:05,208 --> 00:03:07,502
that hairpiece
was a bit cowardly.

54
00:03:07,544 --> 00:03:08,963
Duncan is going to help us

55
00:03:09,004 --> 00:03:11,548
work up something
called a "profile."

56
00:03:11,590 --> 00:03:13,884
So we can root
this student out.

57
00:03:13,926 --> 00:03:16,595
For the record, I tried
to get something done
about this two years ago.

58
00:03:16,637 --> 00:03:19,098
This is not about you, Annie.
This is about the school.

59
00:03:19,138 --> 00:03:21,516
This is the biggest PR.
Crisis to hit Greendale

60
00:03:21,558 --> 00:03:24,103
since we held that rally
protesting the wrong Korea.

61
00:03:24,143 --> 00:03:26,396
Jeffrey, how can you help?

62
00:03:26,438 --> 00:03:28,398
I'll take a look
at the whole picture,

63
00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:30,692
see if any pieces match up.

64
00:03:30,734 --> 00:03:32,611
Double fruit bonus.

65
00:03:32,653 --> 00:03:35,823
Crikey! Kiwi combo, mate.

66
00:03:36,865 --> 00:03:38,450
I took a map
of the campus

67
00:03:38,492 --> 00:03:40,285
and pinpointed
all the locations

68
00:03:40,327 --> 00:03:41,954
of the Ass Crack
Bandit strikes.

69
00:03:41,996 --> 00:03:43,246
You can't
handle the fruit.

70
00:03:43,288 --> 00:03:45,749
During the bandit's
most daring spree,

71
00:03:45,791 --> 00:03:48,085
he cracked three
people in a row.

72
00:03:48,127 --> 00:03:51,046
Today, I sprinted
between all three sites.

73
00:03:51,088 --> 00:03:52,840
My quickest time
was 20 minutes.

74
00:03:52,881 --> 00:03:54,466
The ACB, did it in 10.

75
00:03:54,508 --> 00:03:55,759
So he's got long legs.

76
00:03:55,801 --> 00:03:58,428
I think he has something
I don't, a shortcut.

77
00:03:58,470 --> 00:03:59,847
The faculty lounge.

78
00:03:59,888 --> 00:04:01,473
You think the bandit's
a teacher?

79
00:04:01,515 --> 00:04:04,225
The dean's not gonna
help me pursue this.
I need help.

80
00:04:04,267 --> 00:04:05,769
Pineapple penalty, fool!

81
00:04:05,811 --> 00:04:08,105
No! Unfair and racist.

82
00:04:08,147 --> 00:04:10,065
Look, no way, Annie.

83
00:04:10,107 --> 00:04:12,567
Look, the faculty already
hates me, and the dean
signs my paychecks.

84
00:04:12,609 --> 00:04:13,777
But this is important!

85
00:04:13,819 --> 00:04:15,487
I can assure you
that's not true.

86
00:04:15,529 --> 00:04:17,447
Fruit, fruit,
fruit, fruit, fruit!

87
00:04:17,489 --> 00:04:19,158
Collect the seeds, sucka!

88
00:04:19,199 --> 00:04:21,035
After the tone,
please leave a message.

89
00:04:21,076 --> 00:04:23,996
Hey, Abed. Lab ran late.

90
00:04:24,038 --> 00:04:26,040
What'd Annie get us
for dinner?

91
00:04:26,081 --> 00:04:28,000
I hope it's not salad again.

92
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:32,629
I'd rather just stop
at the meat store.

93
00:04:35,549 --> 00:04:37,509
All right.
Talk to you later.

94
00:04:41,513 --> 00:04:42,806
Oh.

95
00:04:46,894 --> 00:04:48,395
Well, hello.

96
00:04:56,904 --> 00:04:58,947
Will you stop
with the cups
and the blankets?

97
00:04:58,989 --> 00:05:01,282
This is how they
comfort victims
in movies.

98
00:05:01,324 --> 00:05:03,952
Okay, I am hereby
banning change
from this campus.

99
00:05:03,994 --> 00:05:05,495
You really think
that's an effective…

100
00:05:05,537 --> 00:05:07,664
Well, guess what,
your two cents is change,

101
00:05:07,706 --> 00:05:08,692
and it's banned.

102
00:05:08,707 --> 00:05:10,250
Got something.

103
00:05:15,130 --> 00:05:16,798
Frankie, somebody
get me a bag.

104
00:05:16,840 --> 00:05:18,425
Oh, give me that.

105
00:05:18,466 --> 00:05:20,886
"I hope you enjoyed
my work again.

106
00:05:20,928 --> 00:05:22,846
"You can't stop me,
because what are
you gonna do,

107
00:05:22,888 --> 00:05:24,014
"not have butts?" Oof.

108
00:05:24,056 --> 00:05:25,891
Dean, I think it's a teacher.

109
00:05:25,933 --> 00:05:27,184
I beg your what?

110
00:05:27,226 --> 00:05:28,560
I have evidence
that shows…

111
00:05:28,602 --> 00:05:30,270
Yeah, and I have
evidence that shows
I'm not listening.

112
00:05:30,311 --> 00:05:31,605
Exhibit "A," exhibit "B."
La la la la la la.

113
00:05:31,646 --> 00:05:33,356
This is never
gonna end

114
00:05:33,398 --> 00:05:35,776
if you keep choosing
politics over justice.

115
00:05:35,817 --> 00:05:36,902
Okay, you want to
make trouble?

116
00:05:36,944 --> 00:05:38,403
Go to Parker brothers.
You're out.

117
00:05:40,989 --> 00:05:43,408
Take it easy.

118
00:05:43,450 --> 00:05:45,452
Taking it easy is
how Troy ended up

119
00:05:45,493 --> 00:05:47,328
with a quarter of
a buck in his crack.

120
00:05:47,370 --> 00:05:49,248
Annie, nobody's asking
you to do this…

121
00:05:49,288 --> 00:05:51,458
Jeff, come on!
You know how this
school works.

122
00:05:51,499 --> 00:05:53,752
We do it,
or it doesn't get done.

123
00:05:53,794 --> 00:05:55,837
The men on our coins
understood that.

124
00:05:55,879 --> 00:05:57,714
Maybe the Ass
Crack Bandit's point

125
00:05:57,756 --> 00:05:59,549
is that we're letting
our values slide.

126
00:05:59,591 --> 00:06:02,970
Or maybe he's
a frat boy coming
from the laundromat.

127
00:06:03,011 --> 00:06:05,847
The important question
is "Who cares?"

128
00:06:08,683 --> 00:06:09,684
Look,

129
00:06:11,270 --> 00:06:12,687
let me know what
you need from me,

130
00:06:12,729 --> 00:06:15,732
on the down low.
Way down low.

131
00:06:15,774 --> 00:06:17,567
And no squealing.

132
00:06:20,154 --> 00:06:22,614
Okay, squeal.

133
00:06:26,660 --> 00:06:30,289
Real Neil here,
five days into the return
of the Ass Crack Bandit.

134
00:06:30,329 --> 00:06:32,124
It's alive!

135
00:06:32,166 --> 00:06:33,416
Since we last spoke,

136
00:06:33,458 --> 00:06:35,502
three more victims
have caught the quarter,

137
00:06:35,543 --> 00:06:37,087
with no end in sight.

138
00:06:37,129 --> 00:06:38,880
Safety pants,
100 bucks a pop.

139
00:06:38,922 --> 00:06:40,465
All sandwiches $5.

140
00:06:40,507 --> 00:06:42,717
Sorry, no change.
Blame the bandit.

141
00:06:42,759 --> 00:06:44,803
Here's a song that's been
shooting up the request line

142
00:06:44,845 --> 00:06:46,471
faster than coins
are dropping.

143
00:07:00,527 --> 00:07:02,487
The nature of the Ass
Crack Bandit's crimes

144
00:07:02,529 --> 00:07:06,116
would suggest
that he's angry or
just fell in love.

145
00:07:06,158 --> 00:07:08,409
We know that he hates
money or loves it

146
00:07:08,451 --> 00:07:10,162
or doesn't care about
money and hates butts

147
00:07:10,204 --> 00:07:11,330
or loves them.

148
00:07:11,371 --> 00:07:12,789
Mmm. Abed,
you're special.

149
00:07:12,831 --> 00:07:14,582
Can't you just

150
00:07:14,624 --> 00:07:16,168
stand at the scene
of the crime and see
what happened?

151
00:07:16,710 --> 00:07:18,086
Yeah.

152
00:07:21,298 --> 00:07:22,841
I see a man,

153
00:07:24,218 --> 00:07:27,929
using a social disorder
as a procedural device.

154
00:07:27,971 --> 00:07:30,098
Wait, wait, wait,
I see another man.

155
00:07:30,140 --> 00:07:32,184
Mildly autistic super
detectives everywhere.

156
00:07:32,226 --> 00:07:35,020
Basic cable,
broadcast networks.

157
00:07:36,063 --> 00:07:38,523
Pain. Painful writing.

158
00:07:39,983 --> 00:07:41,401
It hurts.

159
00:07:43,486 --> 00:07:45,739
Okay, ooh, la la.
Hickey, what have you got?

160
00:07:45,780 --> 00:07:48,658
Heartburn. It doesn't
help me catch criminals.

161
00:07:48,700 --> 00:07:50,744
Okay. I didn't want
to take drastic measures,

162
00:07:50,785 --> 00:07:53,454
but I've cooked up
a little something.

163
00:07:53,496 --> 00:07:54,539
Chang?

164
00:07:56,624 --> 00:07:59,502
You better put a quarter
in that crack, Mr. Bandit.

165
00:07:59,544 --> 00:08:01,421
Professor Hickey.

166
00:08:04,799 --> 00:08:06,134
Whoops.

167
00:08:09,596 --> 00:08:11,431
Hah! Gotcha!

168
00:08:11,472 --> 00:08:13,725
Whoa! Ha,
what do you think?

169
00:08:13,767 --> 00:08:16,061
I think this is spending
too much money on a crime

170
00:08:16,103 --> 00:08:17,854
that nets you
25 cents a pop.

171
00:08:17,896 --> 00:08:19,856
Ah, no, no.
This was free.

172
00:08:19,898 --> 00:08:23,068
Then I think you just
admitted you already
owned a fake butt.

173
00:08:25,653 --> 00:08:28,865
"I am the mad hatter,
if hats were butts.

174
00:08:28,907 --> 00:08:31,534
"I am neither left nor right.
I am the space between.

175
00:08:31,576 --> 00:08:33,287
"To me, you're all like ants

176
00:08:33,328 --> 00:08:35,538
"marching to class,
freaks on parade."

177
00:08:35,580 --> 00:08:38,792
I mean, why mix metaphors?
Ants don't have butts.

178
00:08:38,833 --> 00:08:40,252
Wait a minute.

179
00:08:40,294 --> 00:08:43,004
Ants do have butts.
No.

180
00:08:43,046 --> 00:08:44,047
These are Dave lyrics.

181
00:08:44,089 --> 00:08:45,257
Dave?
Dave Matthews.

182
00:08:45,299 --> 00:08:47,467
Hard-core fans
call him Dave.

183
00:08:47,508 --> 00:08:49,928
Oh, excuse me for being
alive in the '90s

184
00:08:49,970 --> 00:08:52,139
and having two ears
connected to a heart.

185
00:08:52,180 --> 00:08:54,433
Okay, so all we need to do
is assemble a list

186
00:08:54,474 --> 00:08:56,517
of which Greendale teachers
are Dave Matthews fans.

187
00:08:56,559 --> 00:08:58,770
Guess we better
get to work.

188
00:09:08,613 --> 00:09:09,948
Done.
Oh.

189
00:09:11,241 --> 00:09:12,909
Thought that would
take longer.

190
00:09:12,951 --> 00:09:15,620
So please
approve the dean's
new security measure

191
00:09:15,662 --> 00:09:17,580
called "Troy's Law"

192
00:09:17,622 --> 00:09:20,250
because a camera
in the bathroom…

193
00:09:21,709 --> 00:09:23,086
…is better than
a quarter in your butt.

194
00:09:24,629 --> 00:09:26,714
As we've seen,
the Ass Crack Bandit

195
00:09:26,756 --> 00:09:29,592
can be defeated
by using the three "B's,

196
00:09:29,634 --> 00:09:33,430
belts, briefs
and buddies. Good.

197
00:09:33,472 --> 00:09:37,267
The bandit always
gets his victims
when they're alone.

198
00:09:37,309 --> 00:09:39,269
Bend over with friends over.

199
00:09:39,311 --> 00:09:41,480
There's safety in numbers.

200
00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:44,691
I got cracked!

201
00:09:44,732 --> 00:09:47,444
He's under the bleachers!

202
00:09:47,486 --> 00:09:50,030
Everyone remain calm,
please!

203
00:09:50,071 --> 00:09:51,448
All right,
free-for-all!

204
00:09:53,325 --> 00:09:54,742
Hey. Where you been?

205
00:09:54,784 --> 00:09:56,828
I questioned Guterman.
We can cross him off.

206
00:09:56,870 --> 00:09:58,079
At the time of
the first cracking,

207
00:09:58,121 --> 00:10:00,332
he was chaperoning
Greendale's science dance.

208
00:10:00,374 --> 00:10:01,875
The student that attended
can vouch for him.

209
00:10:01,916 --> 00:10:03,293
I checked out
Mrs. Plimpton.

210
00:10:03,335 --> 00:10:05,253
Airtight alibi.
She's dead.

211
00:10:05,295 --> 00:10:07,547
Next on my list is this one.

212
00:10:07,588 --> 00:10:10,967
Bublitz.
We're close,
I can feel it.

213
00:10:11,009 --> 00:10:12,677
Mmm!

214
00:10:12,719 --> 00:10:16,097
This extra-long
churro tastes good
in my real mouth.

215
00:10:16,139 --> 00:10:17,849
Nom nom nom nom nom.

216
00:10:23,063 --> 00:10:24,981
May I help you?

217
00:10:25,023 --> 00:10:28,026
We'd like to ask
you a few questions.
If that's okay.

218
00:10:28,068 --> 00:10:29,569
He's bolting!

219
00:10:35,950 --> 00:10:37,160
He's there!

220
00:10:44,251 --> 00:10:48,422
If you're going to
confiscate this,
know one thing.

221
00:10:48,463 --> 00:10:53,093
It's a mild, kind sativa,
perfect for playing guitar.

222
00:10:53,134 --> 00:10:55,136
There's been
another…

223
00:10:58,014 --> 00:10:59,599
What the hell?

224
00:11:00,392 --> 00:11:01,851
Destroying classrooms?

225
00:11:01,893 --> 00:11:05,564
Secretly investigating
teachers behind my back?

226
00:11:05,605 --> 00:11:07,148
Someone has to
investigate the faculty,

227
00:11:07,190 --> 00:11:10,151
but you're like a
single-celled organism,
no nerve.

228
00:11:10,193 --> 00:11:12,820
Annie, you're suspended.

229
00:11:12,862 --> 00:11:14,364
Wait, you can't do that!

230
00:11:14,406 --> 00:11:16,283
Don't tell me
what I can't do.

231
00:11:16,324 --> 00:11:18,410
What do you think you are,
Cosmo's July quiz?

232
00:11:18,452 --> 00:11:20,078
She was trying
to help you.

233
00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:21,913
Let me ask you two something.

234
00:11:21,955 --> 00:11:24,707
Let me be, like,
the 50th person at
this school to ask,

235
00:11:24,749 --> 00:11:27,085
what is this, huh?

236
00:11:27,127 --> 00:11:29,670
What is this
creepy business?
What?

237
00:11:29,712 --> 00:11:33,091
I think you two
like to partner up
on cutesy capers

238
00:11:33,133 --> 00:11:35,427
so you can hold hands
in the dark

239
00:11:35,469 --> 00:11:39,139
and address your urges
in semi-acceptable scenarios.

240
00:11:39,180 --> 00:11:40,557
Whoa, not cool!

241
00:11:40,599 --> 00:11:43,351
You not cool!
You unprofessional!

242
00:11:43,393 --> 00:11:45,395
I'm punishing you, Jeffrey.

243
00:11:45,437 --> 00:11:48,440
Starting next week,
you are the new coach
of the water polo team.

244
00:11:48,482 --> 00:11:49,774
What?
That's right.

245
00:11:49,816 --> 00:11:52,277
Every morning,
in the water…

246
00:11:52,319 --> 00:11:54,112
Mmm.

247
00:11:54,154 --> 00:11:56,781
Craig Pelton,
dean and assistant
water polo coach.

248
00:11:56,823 --> 00:11:57,991
What?

249
00:11:58,032 --> 00:11:59,826
This is the Ass Crack Bandit.

250
00:11:59,867 --> 00:12:01,453
Uh…
I find it funny

251
00:12:01,495 --> 00:12:03,079
that you ever thought
you could catch me.

252
00:12:03,121 --> 00:12:05,790
Oh, that's very interesting.
Please continue.

253
00:12:05,832 --> 00:12:07,917
I've enjoyed our game
of cat and mouse.

254
00:12:07,959 --> 00:12:10,629
It's funny how close
your two little helpers
came to catching me.

255
00:12:10,711 --> 00:12:12,464
I liked watching
them run in circles.

256
00:12:12,506 --> 00:12:14,382
Although sometimes I wonder,

257
00:12:14,424 --> 00:12:16,468
are they chasing me
as an excuse to
get near each other?

258
00:12:16,510 --> 00:12:17,885
I mean, get a room already.

259
00:12:17,927 --> 00:12:20,096
We're friends!

260
00:12:20,138 --> 00:12:22,557
Why don't you tell
us where you are,
and we'll discuss it?

261
00:12:22,599 --> 00:12:24,934
I am the bringer of change.
I am the filler of cracks.

262
00:12:24,976 --> 00:12:28,605
Oh, that's very interesting.
I myself was in 4H.

263
00:12:30,689 --> 00:12:32,526
Trace the call, Rhonda!

264
00:12:32,567 --> 00:12:34,486
This means trace the call!

265
00:12:34,528 --> 00:12:36,237
Look at the extension.

266
00:12:37,155 --> 00:12:38,697
594. Okay.

267
00:12:39,032 --> 00:12:40,534
Tracing…

268
00:12:40,992 --> 00:12:42,952
Tracing.

269
00:12:42,994 --> 00:12:44,954
Got it, the stables!
We have stables?

270
00:12:44,996 --> 00:12:45,997
Let's go.

271
00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:54,797
Creepy.
I don't know.

272
00:12:54,839 --> 00:12:56,550
Add some doilies
and a foot bath,

273
00:12:56,591 --> 00:12:57,716
and this is
my mom's house.

274
00:13:10,605 --> 00:13:12,524
Mush! Mush!

275
00:13:12,566 --> 00:13:14,733
Mush! Yah! Mush!

276
00:13:14,775 --> 00:13:16,277
No, run. Mush! Mush!

277
00:13:16,319 --> 00:13:17,445
Star-Burns?

278
00:13:20,699 --> 00:13:23,034
Since faking his death
to escape meth charges,

279
00:13:23,076 --> 00:13:25,537
Alex "Star-Burns"
Osbourne,

280
00:13:25,579 --> 00:13:27,121
has been living
in the stables,

281
00:13:27,163 --> 00:13:30,250
eating garbage,
and trying to
build a cat car.

282
00:13:30,291 --> 00:13:32,460
He's also confessed
to dropping coins

283
00:13:32,502 --> 00:13:34,837
down exposed butt cracks.

284
00:13:34,879 --> 00:13:36,172
Case closed.

285
00:13:38,341 --> 00:13:40,051
High five?
Sure.

286
00:13:40,093 --> 00:13:42,761
No.
Oh, American
high five. Sorry.

287
00:13:42,803 --> 00:13:44,763
Whoo!

288
00:13:52,689 --> 00:13:54,691
Oh!
Ooh!

289
00:14:04,075 --> 00:14:05,868
So much pain.

290
00:14:05,910 --> 00:14:07,579
But now it's time to heal!

291
00:14:07,621 --> 00:14:09,289
You're all invited
to the official

292
00:14:09,330 --> 00:14:11,499
"We caught the
Ass Crack Bandit"

293
00:14:11,541 --> 00:14:13,543
dance tonight
in the cafeteria!

294
00:14:19,048 --> 00:14:20,133
Jeff!

295
00:14:20,174 --> 00:14:22,051
There's no way
Star-Burns did it.

296
00:14:22,093 --> 00:14:25,138
Innocent people
don't confess.
Are you kidding me?

297
00:14:25,179 --> 00:14:27,265
You knew it was a teacher.
You know that doesn't add up.

298
00:14:27,307 --> 00:14:28,767
Maybe I was wrong.

299
00:14:28,808 --> 00:14:32,019
Or maybe the dean
was right about us.

300
00:14:32,061 --> 00:14:33,521
What? No.

301
00:14:33,563 --> 00:14:36,650
Annie, I took
this case because
I wanted to help you.

302
00:14:36,691 --> 00:14:38,151
Then what is this?

303
00:14:38,192 --> 00:14:40,820
It's platonic shoulder
holding. Look.

304
00:14:42,405 --> 00:14:44,824
Leonard, hello,
how are you?

305
00:14:46,951 --> 00:14:50,580
It's a guy who
puts quarters down
butt cracks, Jeff.

306
00:14:50,622 --> 00:14:52,624
Let's just let it go.

307
00:14:58,713 --> 00:15:00,423
We can do better.

308
00:15:05,804 --> 00:15:07,847
Aah! Change is money!

309
00:15:08,807 --> 00:15:10,933
What are you guys,
millionaires?

310
00:15:10,975 --> 00:15:13,102
T-shirts here!
Cracked but not
broken, huh?

311
00:15:13,144 --> 00:15:14,688
Who's in? T-shirts!

312
00:15:14,729 --> 00:15:16,939
T-shirts here!
20 bucks.

313
00:15:21,319 --> 00:15:22,696
Professor Duncan?
Yeah?

314
00:15:22,737 --> 00:15:24,572
Not going to the dance?
I'll go later.

315
00:15:24,614 --> 00:15:26,491
Oh, actually, would you
mind coming and getting me

316
00:15:26,533 --> 00:15:28,242
when Britta's drunk?

317
00:15:28,284 --> 00:15:30,161
Listen, as Britta's friend,
I should give you this ad…

318
00:15:31,996 --> 00:15:35,416
Yes! That is
my jam right there.

319
00:15:36,042 --> 00:15:37,418
Dave Matthews fan?

320
00:15:37,460 --> 00:15:39,546
Obviously you're not.

321
00:15:39,587 --> 00:15:41,172
Real fans call him Dave.

322
00:15:44,425 --> 00:15:47,011
I've heard this song before.
Hey, winger, who is this?

323
00:15:47,053 --> 00:15:48,971
What are you talking about?
You don't know who this is?

324
00:15:49,013 --> 00:15:50,890
I remember it from the '90s.

325
00:15:53,643 --> 00:15:55,770
It's Dave.
Lee Roth?

326
00:15:55,812 --> 00:15:57,355
You're not the
Ass Crack Bandit.

327
00:15:57,397 --> 00:16:00,483
Shh! Keep it down, huh?
I made a deal with the dean.

328
00:16:00,525 --> 00:16:01,776
He said as long
as I confessed,

329
00:16:01,818 --> 00:16:03,444
he'd let me slide
on the meth stuff,

330
00:16:03,486 --> 00:16:05,321
and then he'd buy me
a space heater for my stable.

331
00:16:05,363 --> 00:16:07,448
Yeah, but why call
the dean and pretend that…

332
00:16:07,490 --> 00:16:10,284
I didn't call no dean.
I don't call nobody
don't call me.

333
00:16:12,203 --> 00:16:15,415
I got to go backstage once
and meet the whole band,

334
00:16:15,456 --> 00:16:17,333
everyone, except Dave.

335
00:16:17,375 --> 00:16:20,378
There's a whole
album of photos
online if you go to…

336
00:16:20,420 --> 00:16:22,714
You actually wouldn't
be able to access it.

337
00:16:22,756 --> 00:16:26,593
I use an older,
British form of Facebook
called "Mug-scroll."

338
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:35,643
I guess I should be going.
No, no, stay.

339
00:16:35,685 --> 00:16:37,478
We're just getting to
know each other.

340
00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:39,355
I really shouldn't,
I have a…

341
00:16:39,397 --> 00:16:41,065
Oopsie.

342
00:16:41,107 --> 00:16:42,942
Aren't you going to
pick those up?

343
00:16:44,527 --> 00:16:45,862
Yes.

344
00:16:49,949 --> 00:16:53,745
Just reach down
with your hand and…

345
00:16:59,959 --> 00:17:01,001
Bye!

346
00:17:07,550 --> 00:17:09,469
This is the Ass Crack Bandit.

347
00:17:09,510 --> 00:17:11,596
I find it funny that you ever
thought you could catch me.

348
00:17:12,054 --> 00:17:13,139
Jeff.

349
00:17:14,181 --> 00:17:15,558
It's Duncan.

350
00:17:24,108 --> 00:17:25,276
Annie?

351
00:17:25,944 --> 00:17:27,695
Jeff?

352
00:17:27,737 --> 00:17:29,948
Very nice.

353
00:17:29,989 --> 00:17:31,991
Oh, bloody hell,

354
00:17:32,032 --> 00:17:34,994
my shoe is untied
by British standards.

355
00:17:35,035 --> 00:17:36,788
Here we go.

356
00:17:36,830 --> 00:17:38,790
One bunny, two bunnies.

357
00:17:39,499 --> 00:17:41,542
Oh! Get Britta!

358
00:17:42,752 --> 00:17:44,253
Annie!
Did Duncan get cracked?

359
00:17:44,295 --> 00:17:47,214
Where's the bandit?
Do you see him?

360
00:17:47,256 --> 00:17:48,967
Over there!
Come on, let's get him!

361
00:17:52,386 --> 00:17:53,763
Shirley,
what are you doing?

362
00:17:53,805 --> 00:17:55,389
Looking for you.

363
00:17:55,431 --> 00:17:57,183
Did you see someone
come this way?

364
00:17:57,224 --> 00:18:00,520
Jeff, Annie,
Pierce is dead.

365
00:18:08,862 --> 00:18:11,781
Tonight's celebration was
cut short by some tragic news.

366
00:18:11,823 --> 00:18:14,617
Pierce Hawthorne,
14-year Greendale student,

367
00:18:14,659 --> 00:18:17,203
entrepreneur,
and expert heart attack faker

368
00:18:17,244 --> 00:18:19,706
has passed away,
for real this time.

369
00:18:19,747 --> 00:18:21,457
Pierce had been
recently banned from campus,

370
00:18:21,499 --> 00:18:23,042
but not from our hearts.

371
00:18:23,083 --> 00:18:25,378
He's survived by many ex-wives

372
00:18:25,419 --> 00:18:28,631
and all of us here
at Greendale
that called him friend.

373
00:18:28,673 --> 00:18:31,676
If you're listening, Pierce,
you were
a hell of a D&D player.

374
00:18:32,635 --> 00:18:34,136
It's time to level up.

375
00:18:34,178 --> 00:18:36,096
Up next on the dial
is Dr. Farts.

376
00:18:41,477 --> 00:18:43,437
I can't believe
Pierce is gone.

377
00:18:43,479 --> 00:18:45,523
Yeah.

378
00:18:45,565 --> 00:18:47,025
Life is weird.

379
00:18:48,192 --> 00:18:51,487
It's a container
for all this little stuff,

380
00:18:51,529 --> 00:18:53,197
and you get caught up in it.

381
00:18:53,239 --> 00:18:56,034
And then,
the container just…

382
00:18:59,119 --> 00:19:00,872
That hallway
led to a dead end.

383
00:19:01,748 --> 00:19:03,708
We might've had him.

384
00:19:05,376 --> 00:19:08,128
I should get home.
Haven't slept.

385
00:19:14,969 --> 00:19:17,096
The case goes cold again.

386
00:19:21,225 --> 00:19:23,394
Don't worry.
I got a feeling he'll be back.

387
00:19:23,436 --> 00:19:24,812
Or her.

388
00:20:42,598 --> 00:20:45,101
You know,
climate change is
threatening our world,

389
00:20:45,143 --> 00:20:46,727
but there is a solution.

390
00:20:46,769 --> 00:20:48,395
The cat car,

391
00:20:48,437 --> 00:20:51,231
the world's first
animal-powered vehicle.

392
00:20:51,273 --> 00:20:53,860
My original prototype
was hunger-based.

393
00:20:53,901 --> 00:20:56,529
But sometimes,
cats aren't hungry.

394
00:20:56,570 --> 00:20:59,907
My new model will use
a rear-fixed dog system.

395
00:20:59,949 --> 00:21:01,868
But dogs cost money,
your money.

396
00:21:01,909 --> 00:21:04,912
By donating to this project,
you'll be like an investor,

397
00:21:04,954 --> 00:21:07,414
except without taking
all my profits.

398
00:21:07,456 --> 00:21:10,292
Donate $5,
and you get a thank-you email.

399
00:21:10,334 --> 00:21:12,252
$50 gets you a T-shirt.

400
00:21:12,294 --> 00:21:14,172
$100 gets you a T-shirt

401
00:21:14,254 --> 00:21:16,132
and a thank-you email.

402
00:21:16,174 --> 00:21:17,717
All aboard the cat car,

403
00:21:17,758 --> 00:21:21,220
and all aboard helping
our nation's global warming.

404
00:21:22,763 --> 00:21:23,763
Did you get any of that?