1 00:00:01,817 --> 00:00:06,071 Hi, everybody, I'm Jeff… Um, Mr. Winger, 2 00:00:06,071 --> 00:00:09,991 and this is Fundamentals of Law. 3 00:00:13,370 --> 00:00:15,122 Any questions? 4 00:00:15,122 --> 00:00:17,207 You, red hair. I'm not gonna learn names. 5 00:00:17,207 --> 00:00:19,293 Will there be a syllabus? "Will there be a syllabus?" 6 00:00:19,293 --> 00:00:21,961 Is good example of a question. Moving on. 7 00:00:21,961 --> 00:00:24,005 Ski cap. How are we gonna be graded? 8 00:00:24,005 --> 00:00:25,507 Oh, no spoilers, ski cap. 9 00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:29,386 Maybe we better do names. Dave. 10 00:00:29,386 --> 00:00:31,179 What percent of our grade will the final be? 11 00:00:31,179 --> 00:00:34,349 Come on, guys, percentages, grades, that syllabus thing… 12 00:00:34,349 --> 00:00:37,352 Are we human beings or just question-and-answer machines? 13 00:00:37,352 --> 00:00:41,816 We're students. And you're a teacher. 14 00:00:43,150 --> 00:00:45,985 Yeah. I'm a teacher. 15 00:00:49,824 --> 00:00:54,161 Did you see that? That teacher just leered at me. 16 00:00:54,161 --> 00:00:56,121 Ew. Hey, look, it's 17 00:00:56,121 --> 00:00:59,583 the star of Head of the ass. Shut up, Leonard! Nice earring. 18 00:00:59,583 --> 00:01:01,961 You look like the road manager for the California Raisins. 19 00:01:01,961 --> 00:01:03,337 Whoa! What kind of teacher 20 00:01:03,337 --> 00:01:04,880 talks to a student like that? 21 00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:06,423 Right? Yeah. 22 00:01:13,263 --> 00:01:16,934 Fresh meat, huh? Yeah, Jeff Winger, Law. 23 00:01:18,101 --> 00:01:20,145 Buzz Hickey, Criminology. 24 00:01:20,145 --> 00:01:22,397 You can have that half of the office, but come spring, 25 00:01:22,397 --> 00:01:25,567 that corner is stacked to the rafters with fetal pigs. 26 00:01:25,567 --> 00:01:27,026 I won't be here that long. 27 00:01:27,026 --> 00:01:29,070 This is a temporary gig for me. Mmm, I get it. 28 00:01:29,070 --> 00:01:32,240 Teaching to make ends meet until a real job comes along. 29 00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:34,075 Yeah, me too. Oh, cool. 30 00:01:34,075 --> 00:01:38,372 How long have you been… 15 years. Ha, ha, ha. 31 00:01:38,372 --> 00:01:41,166 15 years and counting. Heh-heh. 32 00:01:41,166 --> 00:01:43,126 "Temporary gig." Ha, ha, ha. 33 00:01:43,126 --> 00:01:46,087 Oh, I like you. 34 00:02:11,238 --> 00:02:14,909 Oh, the new table turned out great, Abed. 35 00:02:14,909 --> 00:02:16,243 Splendid varnishing. 36 00:02:16,243 --> 00:02:18,579 "Table mark II"? I added that, 37 00:02:18,579 --> 00:02:21,040 and a few custom upgrades. It's voice activated. 38 00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:22,457 Table, resume table mode. 39 00:02:22,457 --> 00:02:23,709 Huh? Oh. 40 00:02:23,709 --> 00:02:26,712 Mmm. Table, power down. 41 00:02:26,712 --> 00:02:28,630 Wait! I got a cup on there. 42 00:02:28,630 --> 00:02:30,591 Oh, teacher man! Ee! 43 00:02:30,591 --> 00:02:32,843 It's Professor Winger! Mr. Winger. 44 00:02:32,843 --> 00:02:35,178 Please don't razz me about being a teacher. 45 00:02:35,178 --> 00:02:37,639 Teaching is the most noble profession in the world. 46 00:02:37,639 --> 00:02:39,433 Yeah, tell that to the guy that shares my office. 47 00:02:39,433 --> 00:02:41,142 He fixes cuckoo clocks for fun. 48 00:02:41,142 --> 00:02:43,771 That sounds like Mr. Hickey, my Criminology professor. 49 00:02:43,771 --> 00:02:46,106 I certainly hope you'll be a better teacher than him. 50 00:02:46,106 --> 00:02:47,441 Annie, I don't know Law. 51 00:02:47,441 --> 00:02:49,401 I wasn't a real lawyer, remember? 52 00:02:49,401 --> 00:02:51,403 I can't just pretend I'm teaching. 53 00:02:51,403 --> 00:02:53,989 I'm not Mythbusters. 54 00:02:53,989 --> 00:02:55,657 Two-day course called "Nicolas Cage: Good or bad." 55 00:02:55,657 --> 00:02:58,077 I'm signing up. I've always wanted to know. 56 00:02:58,077 --> 00:03:00,537 Nicolas Cage is one of pop culture's greatest mysteries. 57 00:03:00,537 --> 00:03:02,497 There's a course on Cage, but if you mention 58 00:03:02,497 --> 00:03:04,416 Jesus to your science teacher, you get a written warning. 59 00:03:04,416 --> 00:03:05,751 Well, Jesus wasn't in 70 movies. 60 00:03:05,751 --> 00:03:07,419 I'm in. Cage class, sounds fun. 61 00:03:07,419 --> 00:03:09,421 Jeff, you don't have time to take a blow-off class. 62 00:03:09,421 --> 00:03:11,799 You need to figure out what you're gonna teach. 63 00:03:11,799 --> 00:03:15,719 Thanks, for one glorious second, I forgot I was a teacher. 64 00:03:41,495 --> 00:03:44,498 Oh! Look at Mr. Smarty Pants! 65 00:03:44,498 --> 00:03:46,541 Ha, ha, ha. I am so excited! 66 00:03:46,541 --> 00:03:48,836 Jeff is gonna help me save the school. 67 00:03:48,836 --> 00:03:52,506 Not all by himself. I am learning Excel. 68 00:03:52,506 --> 00:03:53,966 Jeff, do you know Excel? No. 69 00:03:53,966 --> 00:03:57,845 Well, it looks like you do. Ha, ha, ha. 70 00:03:57,845 --> 00:04:01,348 Yay, teaching! Ha, ha, ha. 71 00:04:01,348 --> 00:04:06,478 I, as you know, am Dramatic professor Sean Garrity, 72 00:04:06,478 --> 00:04:08,856 and you are now embarking on an odyssey of discussion 73 00:04:08,856 --> 00:04:12,233 about an actor who keeps the world asking, 74 00:04:12,233 --> 00:04:14,486 Nicolas Cage, good or bad? 75 00:04:14,486 --> 00:04:16,613 Yes, young man? So you don't know? 76 00:04:16,613 --> 00:04:18,281 Mr. Nadir. 77 00:04:18,281 --> 00:04:20,575 Mr. Nadir drove our TV Studies professor 78 00:04:20,575 --> 00:04:24,329 out of his mind by proving that there was an answer 79 00:04:24,329 --> 00:04:26,247 to the question "Who's the boss?" 80 00:04:26,247 --> 00:04:28,834 Angela. I admire your brain, Mr. Nadir. 81 00:04:28,834 --> 00:04:32,921 I did not admire Professor Sheffield, 82 00:04:32,921 --> 00:04:36,341 but I promise you, this question has no answer. 83 00:04:36,341 --> 00:04:39,761 Your homework is to watch five Nicolas Cage films 84 00:04:39,761 --> 00:04:42,014 by Wednesday, no marathons. 85 00:04:42,014 --> 00:04:43,682 Space out your viewings. 86 00:04:43,682 --> 00:04:44,808 Five, that's it? 87 00:04:44,808 --> 00:04:47,477 Be careful, Abed Nadir. 88 00:04:47,477 --> 00:04:51,690 Promise me you will be careful. 89 00:04:51,690 --> 00:04:53,650 I have no idea how to make a curriculum. 90 00:04:53,650 --> 00:04:56,277 Becoming a teacher was a huge mistake. 91 00:04:56,277 --> 00:04:58,530 Without a doubt. 92 00:04:58,530 --> 00:05:01,533 That said, there are certain perks. 93 00:05:01,533 --> 00:05:04,369 Excuse me. Didn't know teachers could cut. 94 00:05:04,369 --> 00:05:06,788 I can actually experience this food warm and disgusting. 95 00:05:06,788 --> 00:05:08,665 Winger, what are you doing? 96 00:05:08,665 --> 00:05:12,002 This line is for food, not for Lionel Richie tickets. 97 00:05:13,795 --> 00:05:15,255 This is my house. 98 00:05:15,255 --> 00:05:16,673 Come here. 99 00:05:18,175 --> 00:05:21,803 This man's name is Mr. Winger, 100 00:05:21,803 --> 00:05:25,099 and Mr. Winger is a teacher. 101 00:05:25,099 --> 00:05:26,558 You know what that means? 102 00:05:27,809 --> 00:05:29,811 It means he gets your meatballs. 103 00:05:31,230 --> 00:05:34,775 Ah, please. That's all I have. 104 00:05:37,194 --> 00:05:38,695 Get outta here. 105 00:05:39,738 --> 00:05:41,990 Place is a zoo. The trick is, 106 00:05:41,990 --> 00:05:43,533 you gotta show the other baboons 107 00:05:43,533 --> 00:05:45,077 you got a bigger, redder ass. 108 00:05:45,077 --> 00:05:46,578 Let's hit the lounge. 109 00:05:49,164 --> 00:05:50,249 Whoa. 110 00:05:51,750 --> 00:05:54,795 Everybody, this is the new guy, Winger. 111 00:05:54,795 --> 00:05:59,216 He's having trouble planning his curriculum. 112 00:05:59,216 --> 00:06:01,635 What? 113 00:06:01,635 --> 00:06:03,470 Here's all you need to know. 114 00:06:03,470 --> 00:06:06,305 Break into groups, grade each other's papers, 115 00:06:06,305 --> 00:06:09,017 and please enjoy the seven-disk edition of Planet Earth. 116 00:06:09,017 --> 00:06:10,435 Yoo-hoo! 117 00:06:10,435 --> 00:06:14,189 Is there a Mr. Winger in here? Heh-heh. 118 00:06:14,189 --> 00:06:15,816 Jeffrey, we need to carve out some time to learn Excel. 119 00:06:15,816 --> 00:06:18,652 Do you guys know Excel? I'm learning. 120 00:06:18,652 --> 00:06:21,989 You know the rules, Pelton. Drop the checks and move on. 121 00:06:21,989 --> 00:06:24,116 I'm gonna boot up my computer and download the tutor… 122 00:06:25,575 --> 00:06:27,911 What was that about? Union rules. 123 00:06:27,911 --> 00:06:30,497 Management's not allowed in the faculty lounge. 124 00:06:30,497 --> 00:06:33,208 I could get used to this. 125 00:06:39,881 --> 00:06:42,341 Nicolas Cage is so weird. 126 00:06:42,341 --> 00:06:44,094 I mean, he seemed scared to smell that flower 127 00:06:44,094 --> 00:06:45,887 but happy to get shot. 128 00:06:45,887 --> 00:06:47,764 He's a complex performer. He'll give you The Rock, 129 00:06:47,764 --> 00:06:49,975 Con Air, then Face/Off, and you think you understand, 130 00:06:49,975 --> 00:06:52,144 but then Windtalkers, Guarding Tess, The Wicker Man. 131 00:06:52,144 --> 00:06:54,313 He begs you to stop watching, but you can't. 132 00:06:55,897 --> 00:06:58,108 That was an odd choice. 133 00:06:58,108 --> 00:07:00,110 Would you say it was odd good or odd bad? 134 00:07:00,110 --> 00:07:01,653 Maybe he's just good in good movies 135 00:07:01,653 --> 00:07:03,488 and then acts crazy in crap to make drug money. 136 00:07:03,488 --> 00:07:04,572 But is he good, or is he bad? 137 00:07:04,572 --> 00:07:05,907 Every actor is something. 138 00:07:05,907 --> 00:07:07,742 Robert Downey Jr., good, Jim Belushi, bad. 139 00:07:07,742 --> 00:07:09,328 Van Damme, the good kind of bad, 140 00:07:09,328 --> 00:07:10,787 Johnny Depp, the bad kind of good. 141 00:07:10,787 --> 00:07:13,040 There's a spectrum, and Cage is on it. 142 00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:14,541 I just have to find him. 143 00:07:14,541 --> 00:07:16,626 I'm gonna go check on Jeff. 144 00:07:16,626 --> 00:07:18,086 Oh. 145 00:07:18,086 --> 00:07:19,880 Hello. 146 00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:23,217 Hey, Jeff, how's the old curriculum going? 147 00:07:23,217 --> 00:07:26,136 Great. Consider our nation's youth pre-inspired. 148 00:07:26,136 --> 00:07:27,971 Want a refill, Winger? Mmm. 149 00:07:27,971 --> 00:07:29,181 Is that Hickey? Yeah. 150 00:07:29,181 --> 00:07:30,431 We're working on syllabuses. 151 00:07:30,431 --> 00:07:32,934 Hey, let's turd some lockers! 152 00:07:32,934 --> 00:07:35,229 Gotta go! Teacher thing! 153 00:07:36,396 --> 00:07:38,648 It's "syllabi." 154 00:07:38,648 --> 00:07:41,442 Guterman. Droppin' mad science? 155 00:07:41,442 --> 00:07:44,821 Ooh, Elaine, take it easy on the Oxford commas. 156 00:07:44,821 --> 00:07:47,949 Hey, walk, don't run, Mister! This isn't a racetrack! 157 00:07:47,949 --> 00:07:50,035 Okay, dangerous minds, let's break into groups, 158 00:07:50,035 --> 00:07:53,580 discuss chapter one, and if you are lucky, 159 00:07:53,580 --> 00:07:55,874 we might sneak in a little Planet Earth. 160 00:07:55,874 --> 00:07:58,919 Any questions? Ahem. 161 00:07:58,919 --> 00:08:00,254 Just a few. 162 00:08:01,629 --> 00:08:05,926 Ah, she in your class, yo! 163 00:08:09,846 --> 00:08:15,018 So I guess, just… Read chapter one. 164 00:08:15,018 --> 00:08:17,271 And memorize the federal rules of civil procedure. 165 00:08:17,271 --> 00:08:19,147 Class dismissed. 166 00:08:19,147 --> 00:08:20,815 Not so fast, Jeff. 167 00:08:24,652 --> 00:08:27,239 I assume you know why I'm keeping you after class. 168 00:08:27,239 --> 00:08:28,531 Not really. Ski cap and white Dave 169 00:08:28,531 --> 00:08:30,491 got lots of stuff wrong too. 170 00:08:30,491 --> 00:08:31,993 You're the teacher, Jeff. You don't have to rub it in. 171 00:08:31,993 --> 00:08:34,704 What I saw today was embarrassing. 172 00:08:34,704 --> 00:08:37,749 You were late, had no idea… 173 00:08:37,749 --> 00:08:41,044 Hey! You had no idea what tort reform meant, 174 00:08:41,044 --> 00:08:42,754 and when I asked you to explain the sixth amendment, 175 00:08:42,754 --> 00:08:44,589 you pled the fifth! I know my rights. 176 00:08:44,589 --> 00:08:46,716 No, you don't. That's the problem. 177 00:08:50,470 --> 00:08:52,472 Here. I gathered some materials. 178 00:08:52,472 --> 00:08:54,266 Tomorrow morning, before class, 179 00:08:54,266 --> 00:08:56,476 I need to verify that you know enough to teach. 180 00:08:56,476 --> 00:08:58,353 You're gonna quiz me? You're the worst. 181 00:08:58,353 --> 00:09:00,063 I wish Troy was in my class instead of you! 182 00:09:00,063 --> 00:09:02,107 I hate her, I hate her, I hate her, I hate her, 183 00:09:02,107 --> 00:09:04,401 I hate her, I hate her, I hate her, I hate her, I hate her. 184 00:09:04,401 --> 00:09:07,487 Hey, wait, I warned you to separate these worlds. 185 00:09:07,487 --> 00:09:10,324 She's lead, we're chalk. 186 00:09:12,159 --> 00:09:14,744 She needs to be taken out. 187 00:09:14,744 --> 00:09:18,081 Of your class. I say minus her. 188 00:09:18,081 --> 00:09:19,791 Minus her? Give her A-minuses. 189 00:09:19,791 --> 00:09:21,376 It'll drive her nuts, she'll drop. 190 00:09:21,376 --> 00:09:22,919 She'll call me on it. She'll report me. 191 00:09:22,919 --> 00:09:24,463 Teachers don't have to explain minuses. 192 00:09:24,463 --> 00:09:26,256 Why do you think we invented 'em? 193 00:09:26,256 --> 00:09:28,342 She's my friend. Eh. 194 00:09:28,342 --> 00:09:29,884 You like the Leonard meatballs? 195 00:09:29,884 --> 00:09:31,594 They added something special. 196 00:09:36,224 --> 00:09:37,600 It's Leonard. 197 00:09:41,146 --> 00:09:44,107 Come on, I'm just messing with you. 198 00:09:44,107 --> 00:09:46,318 You done with your bit? I'd like my earring back. 199 00:09:46,318 --> 00:09:47,902 Yeah? Mm-hmm. 200 00:09:47,902 --> 00:09:51,281 Go get your earring, you piece of human garbage. 201 00:09:59,373 --> 00:10:00,665 Uh… 202 00:10:02,167 --> 00:10:05,086 Oh, my God. 203 00:10:05,086 --> 00:10:07,588 Okay, hey, I have a working theory, 204 00:10:07,588 --> 00:10:09,383 and don't react until you've heard the whole thing. 205 00:10:09,383 --> 00:10:11,759 If you watch closely, at the seven-minute mark in Snake Eyes, 206 00:10:11,759 --> 00:10:13,553 you'll notice the moment where an alien arm 207 00:10:13,553 --> 00:10:16,473 could've come up and… Abed, this isn't worth it. 208 00:10:16,473 --> 00:10:18,558 Maybe Nicolas Cage is just… 209 00:10:18,558 --> 00:10:20,185 Crazy. 210 00:10:20,185 --> 00:10:22,437 All actors are crazy, Annie. Some crazy actors are good, 211 00:10:22,437 --> 00:10:24,272 some are bad, but none of them are neither. 212 00:10:24,272 --> 00:10:25,815 There's no such thing as both, so which one is… 213 00:10:25,815 --> 00:10:28,360 Nicolas Cage, huh? Oh! Oh! 214 00:10:32,113 --> 00:10:33,781 Okay, so break into groups, 215 00:10:33,781 --> 00:10:36,951 and then, you guys quiz each other. 216 00:10:36,951 --> 00:10:40,372 Mr. Winger, is that really the best use of our time? 217 00:10:40,372 --> 00:10:42,457 Seems like the value of having you here is… 218 00:10:42,457 --> 00:10:45,419 I think my value as a teacher is to teach you how to learn. 219 00:10:45,419 --> 00:10:46,920 You're telling us teach ourselves. 220 00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:48,505 I don't think you'll learn if I tell you. 221 00:10:48,505 --> 00:10:50,048 If you tell us what you think, we'll learn that. 222 00:10:50,048 --> 00:10:51,883 I thought you should break into groups, 223 00:10:51,883 --> 00:10:53,593 but you failed to learn that, so your theory's invalid. 224 00:10:53,593 --> 00:10:57,514 Ooh, snap. 225 00:10:58,932 --> 00:11:00,225 Break into groups. 226 00:11:00,225 --> 00:11:03,895 Mr. Winger, how did you do that? Do what? 227 00:11:03,895 --> 00:11:06,273 You won an argument against Annie Edison. 228 00:11:06,273 --> 00:11:08,149 You don't argue with Annie, Garrett, 229 00:11:08,149 --> 00:11:09,859 you let her argue with herself until she loses. 230 00:11:09,859 --> 00:11:12,695 You can win by not arguing? Yeah, ski cap. 231 00:11:12,695 --> 00:11:14,030 Anyone that tries to argue has already lost, 232 00:11:14,030 --> 00:11:16,241 because they pick an argument to lose. 233 00:11:16,241 --> 00:11:18,326 I mean, that's why I never lost a case. 234 00:11:18,326 --> 00:11:21,662 Prosecutors beat themselves, because they… Here. 235 00:11:21,662 --> 00:11:24,832 Because they draw a circle 236 00:11:24,832 --> 00:11:27,586 around something called "the truth," 237 00:11:27,586 --> 00:11:30,547 and they say that everything outside it is a lie. 238 00:11:31,672 --> 00:11:33,216 Annie, 239 00:11:33,216 --> 00:11:35,510 don't cry, you were right. 240 00:11:35,510 --> 00:11:37,720 I actually might enjoy teaching. 241 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:39,931 I'm not crying because of you. 242 00:11:39,931 --> 00:11:42,559 I got this from Professor Hickey. 243 00:11:42,559 --> 00:11:44,436 What the hell? He gave you a dead rat? 244 00:11:44,436 --> 00:11:46,771 No, this is my witness intimidation project. 245 00:11:46,771 --> 00:11:49,483 He gave me this. A-minus. 246 00:11:49,483 --> 00:11:52,527 I guess I overextended my schedule. 247 00:11:52,527 --> 00:11:55,322 I'm sorry, Jeff. I have to drop your class. 248 00:11:56,490 --> 00:11:59,742 Okay, thoughts on Nicolas Cage. 249 00:11:59,742 --> 00:12:01,536 I think he's a genius. I mean, he keeps getting hired 250 00:12:01,536 --> 00:12:03,955 for some reason, and it's not because of his hair. 251 00:12:03,955 --> 00:12:06,500 I don't know, if I was in 70 films over 30 years, 252 00:12:06,500 --> 00:12:08,751 and I spent each one talking at random volumes, 253 00:12:08,751 --> 00:12:10,629 I might accidentally win an Oscar. 254 00:12:10,629 --> 00:12:13,214 I think our opinions about pop culture are fed to us 255 00:12:13,214 --> 00:12:15,008 by machines designed to criminalize 256 00:12:15,008 --> 00:12:16,635 human autonomy. Good one. 257 00:12:20,013 --> 00:12:21,640 Dear God. Abed. 258 00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:23,517 No, stand back. Give him space. 259 00:12:29,356 --> 00:12:32,442 Nicolas Cage, good or bad. A challenge, certainly, 260 00:12:32,442 --> 00:12:35,403 but not unsolvable, 261 00:12:35,403 --> 00:12:37,614 because all actors have distinct values, 262 00:12:37,614 --> 00:12:39,824 which I use to find answers. 263 00:12:39,824 --> 00:12:42,785 Abed, how much Nicolas Cage did you… 264 00:12:42,785 --> 00:12:44,162 Enough! 265 00:12:45,622 --> 00:12:49,042 I watched enough to find… Heh-heh. The answers. 266 00:12:49,042 --> 00:12:52,253 Ha, ha. Because this… This is my reality, 267 00:12:52,253 --> 00:12:53,754 this is how I learned to be, 268 00:12:53,754 --> 00:12:55,965 and my being doesn't allow for Nicolas… 269 00:12:55,965 --> 00:12:58,552 Freaking Cage, okay? 270 00:12:58,552 --> 00:13:01,846 Oh, yeah! Ha, ha. 271 00:13:01,846 --> 00:13:04,807 Yeah! Oh! Oh! 272 00:13:11,439 --> 00:13:14,568 Oh, I'm a cat. I'm a sexy cat. 273 00:13:17,195 --> 00:13:19,864 Oh! Oh! Oh! 274 00:13:19,864 --> 00:13:23,326 O-o-oh! 275 00:13:31,167 --> 00:13:33,336 Abed? Think of something safe, 276 00:13:33,336 --> 00:13:36,715 like Holly Hunter or Don Cheadle! 277 00:13:36,715 --> 00:13:39,634 Abed? Abed! 278 00:13:42,845 --> 00:13:44,389 That was brilliant. 279 00:13:46,433 --> 00:13:49,018 You gave Annie an A-minus? How could you? 280 00:13:49,018 --> 00:13:50,978 What were you thinking? Are you drawing a peanut? 281 00:13:50,978 --> 00:13:54,232 It's a duck, and it's none of your concern, actually. 282 00:13:54,232 --> 00:13:55,567 Are you trying to cartoon? 283 00:13:55,567 --> 00:13:58,069 Trying and succeeding. State your business. 284 00:13:58,069 --> 00:13:59,738 I want to know what kind of monster 285 00:13:59,738 --> 00:14:01,656 minuses the best student in his class. 286 00:14:01,656 --> 00:14:04,325 I'm a monster? I was in the storm drain lair 287 00:14:04,325 --> 00:14:05,993 of the Black River ripper. 288 00:14:05,993 --> 00:14:09,581 I have seen human heads used for things other than heads, 289 00:14:09,581 --> 00:14:13,042 so you best not be calling me a monster. 290 00:14:13,042 --> 00:14:15,295 Okay, you're a bad teacher. 291 00:14:15,295 --> 00:14:17,714 I got her off your back. I was handling it. 292 00:14:17,714 --> 00:14:19,799 Unlike you, I know how to engage my students. 293 00:14:19,799 --> 00:14:21,593 I mean, I may not love teaching, 294 00:14:21,593 --> 00:14:23,678 but I did fool around with it today, 295 00:14:23,678 --> 00:14:25,680 and I may hook up with it again a few more times 296 00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:27,307 even if I do dump it right before Christmas. 297 00:14:27,307 --> 00:14:30,059 We do not work for them. Maybe we do. 298 00:14:30,059 --> 00:14:31,852 That does not count as an argument. 299 00:14:31,852 --> 00:14:34,355 Yeah, well, drawing ducks doesn't count as cartooning! 300 00:14:34,355 --> 00:14:36,816 It's one duck, his name is Jim, 301 00:14:36,816 --> 00:14:38,693 and publishers are interested! 302 00:14:39,778 --> 00:14:41,821 Miss Edison, good news. 303 00:14:41,821 --> 00:14:43,864 I talked to Professor Hickey, and it turns out 304 00:14:43,864 --> 00:14:45,283 your project was an "A." 305 00:14:45,283 --> 00:14:47,827 You used your connections to change my grade? 306 00:14:47,827 --> 00:14:49,788 No, an A-minus means you actually earned an "A," 307 00:14:49,788 --> 00:14:51,164 but the teacher doesn't like you. 308 00:14:51,164 --> 00:14:53,416 It's a secret faculty thing. What? 309 00:14:53,416 --> 00:14:55,710 Are you kidding? Et tu, brute? 310 00:14:55,710 --> 00:14:57,211 Am I using that right? 311 00:14:57,211 --> 00:14:59,756 I've been busting my butt for five years, 312 00:14:59,756 --> 00:15:01,215 and the whole thing comes down 313 00:15:01,215 --> 00:15:04,051 to a few old losers' petty insecurities? 314 00:15:04,051 --> 00:15:06,554 Oligarchy! Et tu, brute! 315 00:15:06,554 --> 00:15:09,140 We've got to tell people! Mmm. 316 00:15:09,140 --> 00:15:11,810 Minuses are made up! 317 00:15:13,812 --> 00:15:15,647 It's riot time! Yeah! 318 00:15:15,647 --> 00:15:16,981 Ugh! 319 00:15:16,981 --> 00:15:18,817 Bring me their heads! 320 00:15:20,652 --> 00:15:23,070 Pop, pop! 321 00:15:29,910 --> 00:15:34,290 Abed? I couldn't find you at school, so I got worried. 322 00:15:34,290 --> 00:15:35,375 You're throwing away all your little movies, why? 323 00:15:35,375 --> 00:15:37,627 They have no value anymore. 324 00:15:37,627 --> 00:15:41,381 Well, if you're looking for something to believe in, 325 00:15:41,381 --> 00:15:45,009 I know a skinny, little Hebrew handyman you could meet. 326 00:15:45,009 --> 00:15:46,803 I'm not going to become Christian, Shirley, 327 00:15:46,803 --> 00:15:48,054 or a better Muslim. 328 00:15:48,054 --> 00:15:49,806 This was my religion. 329 00:15:49,806 --> 00:15:51,432 I thought the meaning of people was somewhere in here. 330 00:15:51,432 --> 00:15:53,893 Then I looked inside Nicolas Cage and I found a secret. 331 00:15:53,893 --> 00:15:56,396 People are random and pointless. 332 00:15:56,396 --> 00:15:58,231 Well, in my religion, the whole point 333 00:15:58,231 --> 00:16:00,775 is that you can't understand every little thing, 334 00:16:00,775 --> 00:16:02,861 and you know, there's a word for people who remind you 335 00:16:02,861 --> 00:16:05,154 that you're not God, and invite you to try a little harder. 336 00:16:05,154 --> 00:16:08,949 Prophets, messiahs, kung fu pandas. 337 00:16:08,949 --> 00:16:10,577 So Nicolas Cage is Jesus? Uh, no, 338 00:16:10,577 --> 00:16:13,413 but he clearly works in mysterious ways, 339 00:16:13,413 --> 00:16:15,749 and maybe that's just his job. 340 00:16:15,749 --> 00:16:18,084 And that's why critics can call him a genius or an idiot 341 00:16:18,084 --> 00:16:19,753 and be right no matter what. 342 00:16:19,753 --> 00:16:22,338 A demon to some and an angel to others, like a Cenobite. 343 00:16:22,338 --> 00:16:24,215 Excuse me, did you say Cenobite? 344 00:16:24,215 --> 00:16:26,133 Yeah, you know, Cenobite, like from Hellraiser. 345 00:16:26,133 --> 00:16:28,636 You like Hellraiser? You know the word "hellraiser"? 346 00:16:28,636 --> 00:16:30,722 I thought pinhead in space was a bit of a letdown, 347 00:16:30,722 --> 00:16:32,766 but I'm in for the ride. 348 00:16:36,227 --> 00:16:37,978 Rise up, Greendale! 349 00:16:37,978 --> 00:16:40,774 Your teachers have been lying to you! 350 00:16:40,774 --> 00:16:44,444 You deserve slightly higher grades! 351 00:16:44,444 --> 00:16:46,738 Slightly higher grades! Slightly higher grades! 352 00:16:46,738 --> 00:16:49,949 The whole world is watching this! 353 00:16:49,949 --> 00:16:51,951 Yeah! Wait. I'm out of data minutes. 354 00:16:51,951 --> 00:16:56,080 The world will be watching this on the first of next month! 355 00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:59,375 Slightly higher grades! Slightly higher grades! 356 00:16:59,375 --> 00:17:01,836 Jeffrey, do something! Slightly higher grades. 357 00:17:01,836 --> 00:17:03,630 Distract them. Take your shirt off! 358 00:17:03,630 --> 00:17:05,298 Here. Slightly higher grades! 359 00:17:05,298 --> 00:17:07,091 Slightly higher grades! Everybody, 360 00:17:07,091 --> 00:17:09,343 calm down! Just listen! 361 00:17:09,343 --> 00:17:11,930 Do you think the students and teachers at Harvard 362 00:17:11,930 --> 00:17:13,681 are at each other's throats? 363 00:17:13,681 --> 00:17:16,517 No, because they're all rich. 364 00:17:16,517 --> 00:17:18,937 We all have something in common too. 365 00:17:18,937 --> 00:17:21,481 We all suck. 366 00:17:21,481 --> 00:17:23,107 We're all broke. 367 00:17:23,107 --> 00:17:25,860 We just went through an entire week 368 00:17:25,860 --> 00:17:28,279 of meatball lunches without even blinking. 369 00:17:28,279 --> 00:17:30,197 Oh, that's on me. 370 00:17:30,197 --> 00:17:32,116 I converted the lunch menu to a spreadsheet. 371 00:17:32,116 --> 00:17:34,744 The teachers here are teachers here 372 00:17:34,744 --> 00:17:39,165 because they did something wrong, same as the students. 373 00:17:39,165 --> 00:17:43,753 So get on the same team, because, take it from me, 374 00:17:43,753 --> 00:17:48,424 those of us that get to leave aren't going anywhere. 375 00:17:51,636 --> 00:17:53,554 Boo! No, you suck! 376 00:17:53,554 --> 00:17:55,348 Ugh! 377 00:17:55,348 --> 00:17:57,016 Jeffrey, go with my "take off your shirt" plan! 378 00:17:57,016 --> 00:18:00,770 May I point out that you're doing this together? 379 00:18:00,770 --> 00:18:04,816 It's all based on rows and columns of cells. 380 00:18:04,816 --> 00:18:06,359 I think that's why the call it "Excel." 381 00:18:06,359 --> 00:18:07,610 I don't care. Mmm-kay, 382 00:18:07,610 --> 00:18:09,111 now, I know it's unrealistic 383 00:18:09,111 --> 00:18:11,531 to think that we can eliminate riots completely, 384 00:18:11,531 --> 00:18:13,491 but I have been crunching the numbers, 385 00:18:13,491 --> 00:18:15,660 and I believe we can reduce them by 40%. 386 00:18:15,660 --> 00:18:17,161 Let's hope the man doesn't target you 387 00:18:17,161 --> 00:18:19,413 for dreaming this big. Here's my plan. 388 00:18:19,413 --> 00:18:23,167 That "Save Greendale" Committee you pretended to form? 389 00:18:23,167 --> 00:18:25,003 We need one of those for real. 390 00:18:25,003 --> 00:18:28,422 I want a student-teacher alliance, with you in charge. 391 00:18:28,422 --> 00:18:30,508 I vote myself out. You don't have a quorum. 392 00:18:30,508 --> 00:18:33,093 And don't forget, if I fire you, 393 00:18:33,093 --> 00:18:35,847 you're likely to starve and die, so you know. 394 00:18:35,847 --> 00:18:37,348 Do you want me to cut your meatball? 395 00:18:39,893 --> 00:18:42,436 All right, look, 396 00:18:42,436 --> 00:18:44,981 there are two things I don't do well, 397 00:18:44,981 --> 00:18:47,149 apologies and drawing duck bills. 398 00:18:47,149 --> 00:18:49,903 I lost perspective. Students aren't the enemy, 399 00:18:49,903 --> 00:18:53,531 and, I don't know, maybe my bills are a little pointy. 400 00:18:53,531 --> 00:18:55,491 Maybe I'm basing them on beaks. 401 00:18:55,491 --> 00:18:57,326 Apologize to Annie. 402 00:18:57,326 --> 00:18:59,954 I did, I gave her an "A." 403 00:18:59,954 --> 00:19:03,041 I don't know how else to make it right. 404 00:19:03,041 --> 00:19:06,210 Oh. I guess, I don't know, I quit. 405 00:19:09,422 --> 00:19:11,049 I got a better idea. 406 00:19:11,049 --> 00:19:12,675 As our first order of business 407 00:19:12,675 --> 00:19:15,469 for the student-teacher Save Greendale Committee, 408 00:19:15,469 --> 00:19:18,848 we hereby ban the dean from attending future meetings. 409 00:19:18,848 --> 00:19:21,851 Yeah. Our second order of business. 410 00:19:21,851 --> 00:19:23,394 Lunch. Yeah. 411 00:19:36,741 --> 00:19:39,869 I'm taste-testing rations for the shelter I'm digging. 412 00:19:39,869 --> 00:19:42,288 Are you the coolest person in the world? 413 00:19:42,288 --> 00:19:44,498 I doubt it. I would like to address the fact 414 00:19:44,498 --> 00:19:46,960 there are no Asian-Americans represented here. 415 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:50,296 We can get Chang. No need to rush into anything, 416 00:19:50,296 --> 00:19:52,298 I just wanted to address it. 417 00:19:52,298 --> 00:19:54,717 Anybody want some nuts? 418 00:20:18,449 --> 00:20:19,993 Quiet, I think Jeff's coming. 419 00:20:19,993 --> 00:20:21,869 This is gonna be hilarious. 420 00:20:32,338 --> 00:20:35,508 Yeah, pharmacy please. 421 00:20:35,508 --> 00:20:37,635 Yeah, this is Buzz Hickey. 422 00:20:37,635 --> 00:20:39,637 I think you gave me the wrong medication. 423 00:20:39,637 --> 00:20:41,722 I usually get Lipitor. 424 00:20:41,722 --> 00:20:45,018 What do you mean my insurance won't cover it anymore? 425 00:20:45,018 --> 00:20:48,688 My body doesn't respond well to the generic stuff. 426 00:20:48,688 --> 00:20:50,230 Let me ask you a question, lady, 427 00:20:50,230 --> 00:20:52,108 can you pay out of pocket? 428 00:20:52,108 --> 00:20:56,278 I'm an educator, ma'am, living on a teacher's salary! 429 00:20:56,278 --> 00:21:00,240 No, I, I'm sorry. What's your name? 430 00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:04,578 Leia, well, let me tell you something, Leia, 431 00:21:04,578 --> 00:21:07,123 I wake up every night screaming. 432 00:21:07,123 --> 00:21:10,250 Life is unfair, but it's the only thing we g… 433 00:21:10,250 --> 00:21:13,462 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'll call back later. 434 00:21:19,552 --> 00:21:22,262 Mom, it's Buzz. I'm gonna say this as fast as I can. 435 00:21:22,262 --> 00:21:26,392 We can't afford to bury Dad with the rest of the family. 436 00:21:26,392 --> 00:21:27,518 Did you get any of that?