1 00:00:01,028 --> 00:00:03,012 His name is Archie Decoste. 2 00:00:03,025 --> 00:00:06,322 Age, 22, total years spent in high school, seven. 3 00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:08,256 Sat score zero. 4 00:00:08,298 --> 00:00:11,345 And he was recently arrested for selling marijuana 5 00:00:11,364 --> 00:00:13,978 to a police officer at a police station. 6 00:00:13,990 --> 00:00:16,589 So, you want us to help you recruit this idiot 7 00:00:16,595 --> 00:00:19,272 instead of an honors student or a science genius? 8 00:00:19,285 --> 00:00:20,879 Do we go to the same Greendale? 9 00:00:20,891 --> 00:00:24,714 Ah, but let me reveal the fortune inside this cookie. 10 00:00:24,727 --> 00:00:27,738 Family net worth, $8 million. 11 00:00:27,769 --> 00:00:30,572 Ladies and gentlemen, this is what we 12 00:00:30,578 --> 00:00:33,655 in the community college recruiting game call a "whale." 13 00:00:33,673 --> 00:00:36,321 The perfect mix of low intellect, 14 00:00:36,340 --> 00:00:39,595 high lack of ambition, and limitless parental support. 15 00:00:39,608 --> 00:00:42,365 So, a rich dumb-dumb who will never graduate 16 00:00:42,377 --> 00:00:44,847 and keep dropping money into the school indefinitely. Got it. 17 00:00:44,884 --> 00:00:46,717 Is there really that much money in this, Dean, 18 00:00:46,732 --> 00:00:50,046 or is it like that endorsement deal you made with let's potato chips? 19 00:00:50,058 --> 00:00:52,877 If you don't like the crispy-licious taste of Let's, 20 00:00:52,916 --> 00:00:55,504 feel free to eat that other greasy brand. 21 00:00:55,592 --> 00:00:57,489 Splingles? Not this guy. 22 00:00:57,501 --> 00:00:58,752 Thank you, Troy, 23 00:00:58,776 --> 00:01:03,629 and, I will explain the value of this whale by describing one 24 00:01:03,653 --> 00:01:05,463 who's been swimming right under your nose. 25 00:01:05,495 --> 00:01:08,826 Pierce Hawthorne has taken 80% 26 00:01:08,845 --> 00:01:11,268 of Greendale's classes more than twice. 27 00:01:11,286 --> 00:01:15,159 He is the only Greendale student who has ever paid for a premium locker 28 00:01:15,178 --> 00:01:17,769 or the extended pencil warranty. 29 00:01:17,809 --> 00:01:19,877 Pierce cannot know about this. 30 00:01:19,889 --> 00:01:23,845 He's a big baby who throws tantrums when anyone else gets attention. 31 00:01:23,891 --> 00:01:26,342 Remember when Kerri Strug visited our campus? 32 00:01:26,361 --> 00:01:27,756 - That was horrible. - That was awful. 33 00:01:27,781 --> 00:01:30,539 I have scheduled Archie's visit for tomorrow 34 00:01:30,564 --> 00:01:32,523 when Pierce has no classes. 35 00:01:32,710 --> 00:01:34,481 Guys, I'm asking, 36 00:01:34,522 --> 00:01:36,485 as treasurer of the forensics club. 37 00:01:36,504 --> 00:01:39,137 The Dean said we could use some of the whale money for a new body farm. 38 00:01:39,161 --> 00:01:40,402 - Mmm. - Who wants to help? 39 00:01:40,421 --> 00:01:41,866 I'm in. Sounds like a romper. 40 00:01:41,891 --> 00:01:43,035 We do need money. 41 00:01:43,066 --> 00:01:46,961 The biology department's been dissecting the same dead pig for 10 years. 42 00:01:46,996 --> 00:01:49,957 If we land this kid, we can buy 100 dead pigs 43 00:01:49,981 --> 00:01:51,235 and make everybody happy. 44 00:01:51,253 --> 00:01:53,421 I'll help where I can, but I started a new PE class. 45 00:01:53,445 --> 00:01:56,523 I've been avoiding it for three years, but you can't run from running forever. 46 00:01:56,572 --> 00:01:57,709 I'm in PE too. 47 00:01:57,727 --> 00:01:59,500 I made room in my trophy case. 48 00:01:59,551 --> 00:02:01,762 Then, I remembered classes don't give out trophies, 49 00:02:01,787 --> 00:02:03,637 so I put a fishbowl there instead. 50 00:02:04,067 --> 00:02:05,579 It's been quite the week. 51 00:02:05,592 --> 00:02:07,876 So, the rest of us will have to pick up the slack, 52 00:02:07,888 --> 00:02:10,552 and, yes, Jeffrey, I assume you're out, 53 00:02:10,589 --> 00:02:14,219 because of your track record of literally being too cool for school. 54 00:02:14,233 --> 00:02:16,677 Actually, you can count me in on this one. 55 00:02:16,689 --> 00:02:17,597 What? 56 00:02:17,615 --> 00:02:19,427 You had me at "no Pierce." 57 00:02:19,549 --> 00:02:22,010 He's been all over me lately to hang out. It's weird. 58 00:02:22,029 --> 00:02:24,374 You just want to be a part of something. 59 00:02:24,392 --> 00:02:27,955 Admit it, Thanksgiving softened that Winger underbelly. 60 00:02:27,977 --> 00:02:29,635 Ugh, Britta. 61 00:02:29,941 --> 00:02:33,212 Now, let's set sail and hunt that whale! 62 00:02:33,232 --> 00:02:35,345 - Yeah. - Hey, let's do that. 63 00:02:35,351 --> 00:02:36,208 Oh! 64 00:02:36,230 --> 00:02:38,057 You know what the commercial says. 65 00:02:38,069 --> 00:02:40,407 "Keep your damn hands off my Let's." 66 00:03:04,296 --> 00:03:07,439 4x07 Economics of Marine Biology 67 00:03:09,269 --> 00:03:11,226 Hey, Jeff, there you are. 68 00:03:11,586 --> 00:03:14,361 I was thinking we could swing by this great barbershop I know. 69 00:03:14,373 --> 00:03:15,750 You're looking a little stubbly, 70 00:03:15,762 --> 00:03:17,993 and nobody handles a razor like an Italian. 71 00:03:18,104 --> 00:03:21,889 They develop nimble fingers from pleasing their mistresses. 72 00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:25,002 Thank you for opening my eyes to two new stereotypes. 73 00:03:25,039 --> 00:03:26,593 Now, how can I put this? 74 00:03:26,618 --> 00:03:28,864 No. I don't want to go. 75 00:03:28,899 --> 00:03:32,000 Not now, not ever. No. 76 00:03:33,016 --> 00:03:34,383 No prob. 77 00:03:34,979 --> 00:03:36,795 We'll work around your skedge. 78 00:03:36,889 --> 00:03:38,032 Ah. 79 00:03:38,489 --> 00:03:39,967 - It's okay. Pierce is gone. - Yes. 80 00:03:39,991 --> 00:03:42,518 Walking Dead has left the building. Resume operation, Deadliest Catch. 81 00:03:42,552 --> 00:03:44,751 Archie is gonna love this banner. 82 00:03:44,781 --> 00:03:46,562 The name, brand glitter really shows. 83 00:03:46,610 --> 00:03:47,875 Yo, yo, yo. 84 00:03:47,900 --> 00:03:50,314 School board guys in the hizzie! 85 00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:52,360 Richie, Richie, pace yourself. 86 00:03:52,472 --> 00:03:53,618 Hey, there, Dean. 87 00:03:53,630 --> 00:03:56,425 Just thought we'd pop in and check on the big whale hunt. 88 00:03:56,450 --> 00:03:59,323 Ah, what a day we have planned for young Archie. 89 00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:02,539 Library tour, calculator lab demonstration... 90 00:04:02,545 --> 00:04:04,023 And, it all culminates 91 00:04:04,054 --> 00:04:06,498 in the "spirit of Greendale" reception. 92 00:04:06,543 --> 00:04:08,206 Magnitude is a soft yes. 93 00:04:08,231 --> 00:04:09,519 Oh, wow, that's a get. 94 00:04:09,543 --> 00:04:11,864 As much as we love that magnitude, 95 00:04:11,894 --> 00:04:14,538 your tour may be lacking a little... 96 00:04:14,544 --> 00:04:16,038 Tour sucks, bro. 97 00:04:16,067 --> 00:04:18,131 - What? - You gotta think big. 98 00:04:18,282 --> 00:04:21,816 Hookers, blow, hookers. 99 00:04:21,886 --> 00:04:23,128 He's been mixing, 100 00:04:23,302 --> 00:04:25,042 but there is some wisdom there. 101 00:04:25,054 --> 00:04:26,628 We need this whale money. 102 00:04:26,647 --> 00:04:28,353 The kid likes snowboarding. 103 00:04:28,390 --> 00:04:32,773 Maybe Shaun White finds his way on the faculty roster. 104 00:04:32,791 --> 00:04:33,801 He likes to party. 105 00:04:33,824 --> 00:04:36,344 Maybe Greendale suddenly has a frat. 106 00:04:36,394 --> 00:04:38,568 The Delta Cubes, or whatever. 107 00:04:38,586 --> 00:04:40,106 Dean, you're not considering this, are you? 108 00:04:40,125 --> 00:04:42,062 No, no. Greendale stands on its own. 109 00:04:42,087 --> 00:04:43,381 No hookers, no blow, 110 00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:45,037 no Shaun White frat. 111 00:04:45,104 --> 00:04:47,329 College dean threatening a fraternity. 112 00:04:49,097 --> 00:04:50,898 You'll never shut down the Delta Cubes. 113 00:04:51,100 --> 00:04:53,941 - What? - Delta Cubes, Delta Cubes, Delta Cubes... 114 00:04:53,973 --> 00:04:56,101 Look, it's your call, Craig. 115 00:04:56,119 --> 00:04:58,601 Don't let this whale swim away. 116 00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:01,918 Cruise by Skeeper's Express for a refill? 117 00:05:01,962 --> 00:05:04,255 I'll second that motion. 118 00:05:06,450 --> 00:05:08,205 I've been working on my victory dances. 119 00:05:08,230 --> 00:05:11,107 Basketball, football, 120 00:05:11,202 --> 00:05:13,000 and crab soccer. 121 00:05:13,018 --> 00:05:14,506 That one's the hard one. 122 00:05:14,558 --> 00:05:16,097 Well, that's nice. 123 00:05:16,115 --> 00:05:18,311 Hey, when I was in grade school, 124 00:05:18,336 --> 00:05:21,780 PE was about being picked on and picked last, 125 00:05:21,848 --> 00:05:23,877 but, you'll put me on your team, right? 126 00:05:23,888 --> 00:05:26,035 - Right, but also, wrong. - Ah. 127 00:05:26,078 --> 00:05:27,759 PE's about survival of the fittest. 128 00:05:28,575 --> 00:05:30,246 Line up, class. 129 00:05:32,012 --> 00:05:34,756 Welcome to PEE I'm coach Jason Chapman. 130 00:05:34,781 --> 00:05:36,486 Physical education education? 131 00:05:36,510 --> 00:05:38,880 I thought that was a typo in the course cartalogue. 132 00:05:38,898 --> 00:05:40,465 It started as a typo, 133 00:05:40,492 --> 00:05:42,086 but it's grown into one of Greendale's 134 00:05:42,098 --> 00:05:43,913 most successful programs. 135 00:05:44,032 --> 00:05:45,471 Anyone can take PE. 136 00:05:45,552 --> 00:05:48,024 I teach my student coaches to teach PE. 137 00:05:50,039 --> 00:05:52,167 - Something funny, coach Barnes? - No, it's just... 138 00:05:52,793 --> 00:05:54,641 You're teaching us how to be gym teachers. 139 00:05:54,665 --> 00:05:56,004 Gym teachers? 140 00:05:56,092 --> 00:05:58,225 A gym is a building, 141 00:05:58,464 --> 00:06:00,813 a man-made structure inside which 142 00:06:00,832 --> 00:06:02,519 physical education teachers 143 00:06:02,557 --> 00:06:05,794 teach physical education to physical education students. 144 00:06:05,822 --> 00:06:07,027 Pop quiz, coach Barnes, 145 00:06:07,051 --> 00:06:09,252 a student is choking on a plastic golf ball. 146 00:06:09,270 --> 00:06:10,427 - What do you do? - I... 147 00:06:10,479 --> 00:06:13,834 How many orange cones does it take to line a regulation soccer field? 148 00:06:13,903 --> 00:06:16,243 What if students are talking during stretches? 149 00:06:16,725 --> 00:06:18,633 When my kids talk past bedtime, 150 00:06:18,657 --> 00:06:20,524 I use my angry voice, and I say, 151 00:06:20,542 --> 00:06:23,422 "the next peep I hear will be the last." And I give 'em one of these. 152 00:06:23,938 --> 00:06:25,371 Not bad, coach Bennett. 153 00:06:26,103 --> 00:06:28,071 - Look at me! - I see you. 154 00:06:31,034 --> 00:06:32,413 Two hours late? 155 00:06:32,429 --> 00:06:35,224 This is exactly the lack of follow-through that makes Archie so appealing, 156 00:06:35,236 --> 00:06:37,804 but still, send a text, right? 157 00:06:37,908 --> 00:06:41,196 Okay, Abed, I told you we're not doing the fraternity idea. 158 00:06:41,209 --> 00:06:42,805 The Delta Cubes will never die. 159 00:06:42,834 --> 00:06:44,277 We've only just begun to fight. 160 00:06:44,289 --> 00:06:46,100 You only began yesterday. 161 00:06:46,427 --> 00:06:48,010 Whale, ho! Look alive, everyone. 162 00:06:48,028 --> 00:06:49,758 Hey, what are you guys all doing out here? 163 00:06:49,776 --> 00:06:52,005 Oh, no! Pierce will ruin everything! 164 00:06:52,024 --> 00:06:53,994 What's an Archie? Why does he get a banner? 165 00:06:54,021 --> 00:06:56,421 Jeff! Do something. 166 00:06:57,667 --> 00:06:58,481 Oh! 167 00:06:59,822 --> 00:07:01,455 Ugh. 168 00:07:02,706 --> 00:07:03,975 There you are, Pierce. 169 00:07:03,995 --> 00:07:05,594 Thought you were gonna cancel our plans. 170 00:07:05,634 --> 00:07:07,615 - Plans? - To spend the entire day 171 00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:10,021 together away from everyone else. 172 00:07:10,419 --> 00:07:12,860 Oh, yeah! Those plans. 173 00:07:14,028 --> 00:07:14,953 Suck it, bozos. 174 00:07:14,977 --> 00:07:16,691 You're getting ditched by the cool kids. 175 00:07:16,716 --> 00:07:18,321 Oh, what a day we're gonna have. 176 00:07:18,326 --> 00:07:20,432 Text me the instant I can ditch him. 177 00:07:20,558 --> 00:07:22,424 - Oh! - Hey, guys. 178 00:07:22,445 --> 00:07:23,458 Sweet campus. 179 00:07:23,464 --> 00:07:25,331 Welcome to Greendale. I'm bean Pelton. 180 00:07:25,343 --> 00:07:27,195 "Bean Pelton?" Dean Pelton. 181 00:07:27,212 --> 00:07:28,590 Gosh, I'm nervous. 182 00:07:28,608 --> 00:07:30,495 Please enroll in our school. Please, please. 183 00:07:30,524 --> 00:07:32,587 Nice scooter, Archie. 184 00:07:32,599 --> 00:07:34,512 Yeah, city college gave it to me as a present. 185 00:07:34,525 --> 00:07:35,791 - City college? - Mmm-hmm. 186 00:07:35,799 --> 00:07:37,075 City college bought you a vespa? 187 00:07:37,105 --> 00:07:39,075 Brand-new. 188 00:07:40,117 --> 00:07:42,137 So, Archie, have you heard about 189 00:07:42,156 --> 00:07:45,720 our half-pipes and hash pipes class, taught by professor Shaun White? 190 00:07:45,744 --> 00:07:47,332 - What? - Yeah, let me tell you about it 191 00:07:47,356 --> 00:07:49,588 in our Mountain Dew cool zone tent. 192 00:07:49,740 --> 00:07:51,691 Put up a tent, write "Mountain Dew" on it, make it cool. 193 00:07:51,702 --> 00:07:54,721 Ah, here we go. Let's keep going. This is our library. 194 00:07:57,575 --> 00:07:58,928 Okay. 195 00:07:58,959 --> 00:08:01,973 Archie, why don't you "hang ten" on the web 196 00:08:01,992 --> 00:08:04,231 while I talk business, and you know what? 197 00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:05,450 You can take that computer. 198 00:08:05,468 --> 00:08:06,791 Wah! Sweet! 199 00:08:06,829 --> 00:08:08,812 My friends and I can drop it off an overpass. 200 00:08:08,842 --> 00:08:10,740 Ah, I shouldn't have heard that. 201 00:08:10,770 --> 00:08:13,214 Dean, you're giving him our computers? 202 00:08:13,233 --> 00:08:17,389 He is a 22-year-old stoner-head whose parents bought him a GED. 203 00:08:17,426 --> 00:08:18,941 Which college is he going to choose? 204 00:08:18,959 --> 00:08:22,127 Vespa state, or "ooh, look at our library" university? 205 00:08:22,142 --> 00:08:24,042 Those school board guys were right. 206 00:08:24,087 --> 00:08:26,446 - Britta, where do we get drugs? - Really? 207 00:08:26,549 --> 00:08:28,248 Look who stumbled onto the high road. 208 00:08:28,262 --> 00:08:29,728 This is a slippery slope. 209 00:08:29,768 --> 00:08:32,775 Well, city college slipped that slope when they slipped him that scooter, 210 00:08:32,806 --> 00:08:36,290 but they sure slipped up when they let him set foot on our soil. 211 00:08:37,057 --> 00:08:39,613 Three, two, one! 212 00:08:40,963 --> 00:08:42,886 Time! 213 00:08:43,282 --> 00:08:45,536 Coach Barnes, it seems dodge ball storage 214 00:08:45,548 --> 00:08:47,291 isn't quite in your skill set, 215 00:08:47,313 --> 00:08:48,763 much like table tennis prep. 216 00:08:50,086 --> 00:08:51,902 Excellent job, coach Bennett. 217 00:08:51,951 --> 00:08:54,963 You have the spatial reasoning skills of a young Kevin Miller, 218 00:08:55,162 --> 00:08:57,295 a really good PE teacher I know. 219 00:08:57,379 --> 00:09:00,911 The skill of ranking others in order of ability is crucial. 220 00:09:01,073 --> 00:09:03,937 In this next drill, our two best student coaches 221 00:09:03,972 --> 00:09:05,852 will split the rest of the class, 222 00:09:05,895 --> 00:09:07,054 coach Bennett, coach Neil. 223 00:09:07,084 --> 00:09:08,595 - Yeah! - Pick your teams. 224 00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:10,507 - Coach Donovan. - Coach Goldman. 225 00:09:10,528 --> 00:09:12,036 - Coach McKenna. - Coach Cutler. 226 00:09:12,054 --> 00:09:13,960 - Coach Winston. - Ooh, coach Dornetto. 227 00:09:13,985 --> 00:09:15,997 - Coach Guest. - Coach Panos! 228 00:09:16,304 --> 00:09:17,254 Oh. 229 00:09:17,278 --> 00:09:18,689 Choose wisely. 230 00:09:18,891 --> 00:09:22,785 You're one decision away from victory or defeat. 231 00:09:24,194 --> 00:09:25,597 Coach... 232 00:09:26,114 --> 00:09:26,997 Marzec. 233 00:09:27,003 --> 00:09:28,449 Oh, yay! 234 00:09:28,468 --> 00:09:29,812 Well picked, coach Bennett. 235 00:09:29,830 --> 00:09:31,770 Your team wins! 236 00:09:31,804 --> 00:09:33,544 Oh, we won! Nice! 237 00:09:33,582 --> 00:09:35,687 Ah, the barbershop. 238 00:09:35,788 --> 00:09:38,835 A reminder of a bygone era when men were men, 239 00:09:38,847 --> 00:09:41,924 and women were sex cooks who did laundry. 240 00:09:41,949 --> 00:09:43,915 I've been getting a daily shave here for decades. 241 00:09:43,927 --> 00:09:47,115 And apparently, reading the same eight magazines the entire time. 242 00:09:47,133 --> 00:09:48,982 Yeah, National Geographic's got some 243 00:09:48,994 --> 00:09:51,310 tribal boob shots that are exquisite. 244 00:09:51,331 --> 00:09:52,841 There's something about a breast 245 00:09:52,865 --> 00:09:54,957 that's never been touched by white hands. 246 00:09:55,236 --> 00:09:57,272 You are a complicated man. 247 00:09:57,388 --> 00:10:01,291 Silvio, spin up lucky number seven. 248 00:10:05,113 --> 00:10:07,480 You know what? That feels good, 249 00:10:07,499 --> 00:10:09,271 I'll give you that. 250 00:10:10,125 --> 00:10:11,584 Now, that soda goblet 251 00:10:11,596 --> 00:10:13,877 gets you free refills in the cafeteria, 252 00:10:13,901 --> 00:10:17,186 and it was painted by our professor Ed Hardy... 253 00:10:17,198 --> 00:10:19,047 - Whoa! - Who teaches bikini class. 254 00:10:19,078 --> 00:10:20,716 Oh, yeah! 255 00:10:21,452 --> 00:10:23,447 Whoa, check out that bling! 256 00:10:23,491 --> 00:10:25,028 I want that. 257 00:10:25,048 --> 00:10:27,781 You heard him, Annie! Bling the king! 258 00:10:27,797 --> 00:10:29,215 Yeah, just take it off of him. 259 00:10:29,233 --> 00:10:30,618 - There you go. - Thank you. 260 00:10:30,624 --> 00:10:31,878 Delta Cubes! 261 00:10:31,905 --> 00:10:34,012 Prepare to bond through embarrassment. 262 00:10:34,024 --> 00:10:35,872 Pacifiers in! 263 00:10:36,314 --> 00:10:37,323 Commence... 264 00:10:37,455 --> 00:10:38,406 Code Dean! Code Dean! 265 00:10:38,424 --> 00:10:41,526 Gosh dean it, Abed! I told you, no fraternities! 266 00:10:42,781 --> 00:10:44,591 There's soda all over my kicks! 267 00:10:44,610 --> 00:10:47,675 Britta, give Archie your scarf so he can dry his kicks. 268 00:10:47,694 --> 00:10:49,507 Dry his kicks, Britta. Put your back into it! 269 00:10:49,525 --> 00:10:52,034 No! Line drawn! 270 00:10:52,412 --> 00:10:54,583 If I wanted to wait on a rich man hand and foot, 271 00:10:54,608 --> 00:10:58,008 I would've gone to Dubai what that sheik I met at trader Joe's. 272 00:10:58,858 --> 00:11:00,934 Don't worry about her, Archie. 273 00:11:00,954 --> 00:11:04,689 Onward to the Microbrew Pizzatorium! 274 00:11:04,879 --> 00:11:08,352 I think all a man needs in life is a close shave, a cold beer, 275 00:11:08,383 --> 00:11:10,816 and you know, maybe a faithful dog. 276 00:11:10,841 --> 00:11:14,007 Hmm, I had a chocolate lab growing up, Rosie. 277 00:11:14,026 --> 00:11:15,101 Oh. 278 00:11:15,278 --> 00:11:17,745 She used to wake me up every morning by licking my feet. 279 00:11:17,776 --> 00:11:20,289 Mine was Walter, a German Shepherd. 280 00:11:20,423 --> 00:11:22,340 Followed me to school every day. 281 00:11:22,377 --> 00:11:25,373 I'd look out the window, and there he was, 282 00:11:25,514 --> 00:11:28,303 dropping a steaming fat one on the lawn. 283 00:11:28,334 --> 00:11:31,980 Would someone please tell me why I've been shaving my own face 284 00:11:32,011 --> 00:11:34,077 all these years like a sucker? 285 00:11:37,074 --> 00:11:39,527 This state-of-the-art mock locker room, 286 00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:42,211 or "mocker room," simulates the conditions 287 00:11:42,235 --> 00:11:43,701 of an actual locker room. 288 00:11:43,723 --> 00:11:45,513 Don't we have an actual locker room? 289 00:11:45,537 --> 00:11:47,165 You think you're ready for that, coach Barnes? 290 00:11:48,879 --> 00:11:50,779 For our next drill, drama students 291 00:11:50,787 --> 00:11:52,641 will play the role of PE students, 292 00:11:52,653 --> 00:11:55,392 and each of you will oversee them in a "mocker room" setting. 293 00:11:55,410 --> 00:11:58,102 My character just had her first period. 294 00:11:58,121 --> 00:11:59,518 Mine has eczema! 295 00:11:59,548 --> 00:12:01,175 Coach Bennett, care to go first? 296 00:12:01,212 --> 00:12:02,459 Yes! 297 00:12:05,176 --> 00:12:07,083 Keep yo hands to yourself! 298 00:12:07,102 --> 00:12:09,070 Running will get you five laps, mister! 299 00:12:09,165 --> 00:12:10,331 - Ow! - Joey! 300 00:12:10,350 --> 00:12:13,333 I will come in that shower and kick yo bare ass! 301 00:12:13,345 --> 00:12:14,558 Sorry, coach Bennett. 302 00:12:14,577 --> 00:12:17,655 I have never seen such natural disciplinary skills. 303 00:12:17,692 --> 00:12:19,082 You're up next, coach Barnes. 304 00:12:19,134 --> 00:12:20,835 Entertain us with your ineptitude. 305 00:12:24,464 --> 00:12:26,283 How's the foam machine coming, Leonard? 306 00:12:26,308 --> 00:12:28,449 Memories will be made tonight. 307 00:12:28,467 --> 00:12:29,257 Destiny! 308 00:12:29,278 --> 00:12:31,026 Oh, thank you for coming on such short notice. 309 00:12:31,059 --> 00:12:32,760 Well, I did get your Christmas card. 310 00:12:32,791 --> 00:12:35,290 Look... no, so... no, no, no time to pre-party. 311 00:12:35,331 --> 00:12:38,105 You and the girls get in position and wait for my signal. 312 00:12:38,192 --> 00:12:39,178 Strippers? 313 00:12:39,203 --> 00:12:40,501 Oh, tons. 314 00:12:40,538 --> 00:12:42,572 - It's good for the school. - Mmm-hmm. 315 00:12:42,893 --> 00:12:44,973 The whale is here. Balloon drop, go! 316 00:12:49,260 --> 00:12:50,466 There you go. 317 00:12:50,472 --> 00:12:52,389 Release the whores. 318 00:12:52,412 --> 00:12:55,213 - Oh, yeah. - No way! 319 00:12:57,920 --> 00:12:59,479 Pierce. 320 00:12:59,930 --> 00:13:01,884 I was wrong about this shop. 321 00:13:02,065 --> 00:13:03,925 It really is special. 322 00:13:03,944 --> 00:13:06,359 Well, if you like the place so much, why don't you gay marry it? 323 00:13:13,519 --> 00:13:14,991 You probably didn't notice it, Jeff, 324 00:13:15,010 --> 00:13:17,810 but I've been subtly trying to get us some alone time. 325 00:13:17,849 --> 00:13:19,749 I might've picked up on that. 326 00:13:19,952 --> 00:13:22,470 I'm no stranger to father issues, 327 00:13:22,488 --> 00:13:24,856 so I know confronting your dad couldn't have been easy, 328 00:13:24,887 --> 00:13:27,736 and I just want to say I'm proud of you. 329 00:13:28,097 --> 00:13:29,731 Well... 330 00:13:30,201 --> 00:13:32,569 If you're so proud... 331 00:13:32,911 --> 00:13:34,715 Why don't you gay marry me? 332 00:13:37,286 --> 00:13:38,960 You guys, behave! 333 00:13:39,158 --> 00:13:41,777 Hit the showers! Everybody in the showers! 334 00:13:41,790 --> 00:13:43,382 Please stop hitting each other! 335 00:13:43,407 --> 00:13:45,957 Hit the showers! Cut! Scene! 336 00:13:46,235 --> 00:13:47,204 Shirley, help. 337 00:13:47,223 --> 00:13:49,657 I can't control these drama students or their characters. 338 00:13:49,949 --> 00:13:51,458 No! No! 339 00:13:51,483 --> 00:13:53,549 PE is survival of the fittest, Troy. 340 00:13:57,906 --> 00:13:59,943 Hey, your phone's buzzing. 341 00:13:59,970 --> 00:14:03,396 Ooh, it's from Annie. You sly dog. 342 00:14:03,420 --> 00:14:07,116 "Need more time. Keep Pierce busy." 343 00:14:07,274 --> 00:14:08,531 Keep me busy? 344 00:14:08,544 --> 00:14:12,726 Look, the group is giving some big shot a tour, 345 00:14:12,763 --> 00:14:15,281 so it's my job to keep you busy. 346 00:14:15,293 --> 00:14:16,809 You know how you get jealous. 347 00:14:16,864 --> 00:14:18,906 So, that's why you spent the day with me? 348 00:14:18,924 --> 00:14:20,542 You drew the short straw. 349 00:14:20,551 --> 00:14:22,140 Well, that's how it started, 350 00:14:22,152 --> 00:14:24,982 but I really did end up having a good time. 351 00:14:24,994 --> 00:14:29,143 Yeah, I used to regret not having a son to bring here. 352 00:14:29,155 --> 00:14:30,656 I'm glad I didn't have kids. 353 00:14:30,789 --> 00:14:34,412 They just end up disappointing you. 354 00:14:41,234 --> 00:14:43,240 So Archie, having a good time? 355 00:14:43,386 --> 00:14:45,584 Gettin' crazy up in this club? 356 00:14:45,602 --> 00:14:47,256 Sicker than ever, bro! 357 00:14:47,274 --> 00:14:48,761 I've made my decision, Dean. 358 00:14:48,778 --> 00:14:51,125 I'm about to get all up in this Greendale. 359 00:14:51,906 --> 00:14:53,352 Whoo! 360 00:14:54,022 --> 00:14:55,964 Human beings, it's official! 361 00:14:55,969 --> 00:14:58,376 Say hello to our newest Greendalian, 362 00:14:58,394 --> 00:14:59,991 Archie Decoste! 363 00:15:01,885 --> 00:15:03,197 Pop pop! 364 00:15:03,216 --> 00:15:04,855 Pop pop! 365 00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:07,123 I want that to be my thing now. 366 00:15:08,105 --> 00:15:10,573 I don't think you can do that. 367 00:15:12,629 --> 00:15:16,452 Magnitude, you're not to say "pop pop" ever again. 368 00:15:16,797 --> 00:15:18,374 Not pop? 369 00:15:18,397 --> 00:15:20,082 That's right. Find a new thing. 370 00:15:20,257 --> 00:15:21,145 Get him out of here. 371 00:15:21,163 --> 00:15:23,639 Ah! Here we go! We're back! 372 00:15:32,641 --> 00:15:35,942 Pop pop! 373 00:15:42,188 --> 00:15:44,190 Well, we did it. We did what we had to do, 374 00:15:44,203 --> 00:15:45,696 and I feel great about it. 375 00:15:45,763 --> 00:15:48,171 - It's all for Greendale. - All for Greendale. 376 00:15:48,183 --> 00:15:50,921 Oh, you look pretty sad for someone whose forensics club can now afford 377 00:15:50,945 --> 00:15:52,923 that state-of-the-art body farm. 378 00:15:52,941 --> 00:15:53,754 Mmm! 379 00:15:53,773 --> 00:15:55,202 I can smell the corpses now. 380 00:15:55,214 --> 00:15:56,636 None of this is weighing on you? 381 00:15:57,383 --> 00:15:58,078 Sha! 382 00:15:58,083 --> 00:16:00,489 The only thing weighing on me is tons and tons of whale money. 383 00:16:00,508 --> 00:16:02,796 - Ah, Jeffrey. - Hey. Landed a whale, huh? 384 00:16:02,830 --> 00:16:05,384 Yeah, but I'm starting to feel like maybe we... 385 00:16:05,409 --> 00:16:06,947 Okay, Archie goes to Greendale now. 386 00:16:06,965 --> 00:16:08,139 We're moving forward, Annie! 387 00:16:08,145 --> 00:16:09,521 Okay, we all paid a price. 388 00:16:09,539 --> 00:16:10,870 You don't hear Jeffrey grumbling, 389 00:16:10,900 --> 00:16:12,867 and, he had to spend a whole day with walking dead. 390 00:16:12,879 --> 00:16:14,227 Well, that's true. You know what? 391 00:16:14,246 --> 00:16:16,200 I can't believe I'm gonna say this. 392 00:16:16,338 --> 00:16:18,266 Don't talk about Pierce like that. 393 00:16:18,297 --> 00:16:21,002 Look, maybe the only reason he can be so unpleasant 394 00:16:21,021 --> 00:16:23,140 is because we expect him to be. 395 00:16:23,222 --> 00:16:25,617 If we don't treat him like such a dick... 396 00:16:25,704 --> 00:16:27,872 Well, he'll probably still be one 98% of the time, 397 00:16:27,903 --> 00:16:30,241 but the 2% he's tolerable, 398 00:16:30,381 --> 00:16:32,148 it might be worth it. 399 00:16:34,806 --> 00:16:36,824 Well, who put the salt in his cereal, huh? 400 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:40,614 Look, I, for one, am still proud of what we did for Greendale. 401 00:16:42,941 --> 00:16:46,902 I've been up all night trying out new catchphrases. 402 00:16:49,515 --> 00:16:51,316 Diggity doo? 403 00:16:52,453 --> 00:16:54,688 My God, what have we done? 404 00:16:55,604 --> 00:16:58,245 I thought you dropped pee. 405 00:16:58,263 --> 00:17:01,363 I did, but I lost my keys in the mocker. 406 00:17:01,382 --> 00:17:04,026 I had to hitchhike home last night in a burrito truck. 407 00:17:04,135 --> 00:17:05,720 It's not as fun as it sounds. 408 00:17:05,838 --> 00:17:08,025 I'm sorry for how I acted in class. 409 00:17:08,043 --> 00:17:11,003 Don't apologize. You were the fittest, and you survived. 410 00:17:11,207 --> 00:17:13,676 Still, no one deserves to be mocked 411 00:17:13,704 --> 00:17:16,076 for being mock-locked in a mock locker. 412 00:17:16,196 --> 00:17:18,729 Friends should help friends survive. 413 00:17:18,741 --> 00:17:20,151 Ah! Oh, geez! 414 00:17:20,181 --> 00:17:23,026 Hi. Ah, ah, ah! 415 00:17:23,044 --> 00:17:25,195 So, I'm going to help you learn 416 00:17:25,218 --> 00:17:27,845 to teach the most unteachable student there is. 417 00:17:59,741 --> 00:18:01,465 - Well done, coach Barnes. - I can't breathe. 418 00:18:01,498 --> 00:18:02,964 You as well, coach Bennett. 419 00:18:03,253 --> 00:18:05,456 You know, I was supposed to teach you two 420 00:18:05,475 --> 00:18:06,743 to teach other people, 421 00:18:06,762 --> 00:18:07,821 but instead, 422 00:18:07,854 --> 00:18:09,549 you ended up teaching me. 423 00:18:09,561 --> 00:18:10,955 Oh. 424 00:18:11,170 --> 00:18:12,934 I did it! 425 00:18:13,110 --> 00:18:15,078 I used the water fountain. 426 00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:19,569 Archie, wake up! 427 00:18:19,667 --> 00:18:22,268 Chillax, bro. It's not even noon. 428 00:18:22,283 --> 00:18:24,638 I will neither chill nor relax. 429 00:18:24,656 --> 00:18:27,928 All this hoopla is not what Greendale really is. 430 00:18:28,196 --> 00:18:30,728 Greendale is a nice welcome banner. 431 00:18:30,753 --> 00:18:33,294 Greendale is a foamless cafeteria. 432 00:18:33,319 --> 00:18:38,142 And Greendale is Magnitude saying "pop pop." 433 00:18:38,254 --> 00:18:40,062 Now, I am a man of very little integrity, 434 00:18:40,081 --> 00:18:43,604 and I let students get away with practically anything on this campus, 435 00:18:43,627 --> 00:18:46,395 but I will not allow Greendale 436 00:18:46,535 --> 00:18:48,971 to lose the things that make it Greendale. 437 00:18:49,033 --> 00:18:51,391 Now, Archie, I would love for you to enroll in my school, 438 00:18:51,403 --> 00:18:53,361 but I will not change it for you. 439 00:18:53,668 --> 00:18:56,756 Greendale will stay Greendale, 440 00:18:57,146 --> 00:18:58,913 no matter what. 441 00:19:00,531 --> 00:19:01,503 You know what? 442 00:19:01,528 --> 00:19:05,517 Everybody kisses my ass because my dad is loaded, 443 00:19:05,712 --> 00:19:07,694 and they always give me free stuff, 444 00:19:07,737 --> 00:19:09,535 like that jet ski I sunk, 445 00:19:09,608 --> 00:19:11,107 but it would be pretty sweet 446 00:19:11,227 --> 00:19:13,013 to be treated like a normal dude... 447 00:19:13,801 --> 00:19:15,104 So I'm in. 448 00:19:17,300 --> 00:19:18,326 Magnitude. 449 00:19:18,351 --> 00:19:20,251 You usually have the perfect blend 450 00:19:20,263 --> 00:19:24,583 of brevity and wit that sums up situations like this. 451 00:19:24,872 --> 00:19:26,038 Pop pop! 452 00:19:26,060 --> 00:19:27,281 Yay! 453 00:19:27,293 --> 00:19:28,861 Oh, that's so good! 454 00:19:28,873 --> 00:19:29,884 So good! 455 00:19:29,890 --> 00:19:34,685 I think we all learned today that all human beings deserve dignity. 456 00:19:35,662 --> 00:19:37,626 Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes! 457 00:19:37,644 --> 00:19:41,708 Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes! 458 00:19:42,167 --> 00:19:44,312 Delta Cubes, operation, slack attack! 459 00:19:44,325 --> 00:19:45,256 Slack attack? 460 00:19:45,293 --> 00:19:47,172 Ah! 461 00:19:47,749 --> 00:19:49,454 Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes! 462 00:19:49,466 --> 00:19:51,384 Mark my words, Delta Cubes, 463 00:19:51,411 --> 00:19:54,045 you'll pay for this! 464 00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:04,168 is this seat taken? 465 00:20:04,208 --> 00:20:05,900 Free country. 466 00:20:11,642 --> 00:20:13,792 You know, I was thinking 467 00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:16,473 I might start coming here more often. 468 00:20:18,238 --> 00:20:20,072 I like the vibe. 469 00:20:22,517 --> 00:20:25,282 You know what sport I never got? 470 00:20:25,456 --> 00:20:26,989 Golf. 471 00:20:28,398 --> 00:20:29,911 No argument here. 472 00:20:29,961 --> 00:20:32,009 They lost me immediately with the clown clothes. 473 00:20:32,035 --> 00:20:34,223 You know, I belong to a dozen country clubs. 474 00:20:34,248 --> 00:20:35,341 Never played. 475 00:20:35,387 --> 00:20:37,517 I just spend my time hitting on the waitresses. 476 00:20:37,579 --> 00:20:39,964 There's something about a country club waitress 477 00:20:39,976 --> 00:20:43,036 that just makes you wanna pay your dues every year. 478 00:21:00,810 --> 00:21:03,441 Get your damn hand off of my Let's! 479 00:21:06,093 --> 00:21:07,994 Honestly, after all that, you still eat splingles? 480 00:21:08,006 --> 00:21:09,293 Uh, yeah, Troy. 481 00:21:09,311 --> 00:21:11,241 Splingles have 30% less fat. 482 00:21:11,318 --> 00:21:13,351 They're the fit chip. 483 00:21:14,048 --> 00:21:16,701 You know, I kinda have a headache. Maybe you should go home.