How are we gonna memorize this? We are screwed.
Let's just go over it again. Kingdom, phylum, class.
Order, family, genus, species.
I use a mnemonic device.
"Kevin, please come over for gay sex."
Why wouldn't you use "Karen"? Because it's gay sex, dummy.
Now I can't remember anything. So use "great."
For all the time we spend here Thanks.
you'd think we wouldn't have to cram so much.
because we have so much fun. We never get work done
maybe that's why. Definitely,
Ahh. The duali-dean of man. Heh-heh.
I have good news and bad news. I'm dressed this way because
You have got to be kidding me.
Professor Kane has the flu. The bad news is
biology class is canceled. The good news is
What a gentleman! After you.
to cram last-minute anymore. Guys, we don't have
Last-minute got moved to tomorrow.
Three-hour lunch? Three-hour lunch?
the first half of three movies. Three hours? I could watch
to the fast food restaurant. I don't have to go
I can go to the fancy one across town.
We can make-believe Inspector Spacetime in the Dreamatorium.
Word. Yeah.
Maybe we should go to Señor Kevin's.
new cage-free bean burrito? Didn't you wanna try that
with micro-financed flour. The tortillas are made
Troy, you could drive.
You always like that spiral parking ramp.
You keep turning left, you end up up.
The manager and I are enemies. I can't go.
He said Die Hard was bad.
Well, how about this? I know, buddy.
This lunch is already a runaway train, no point in stopping it.
Troy, Britta, you go to Señor Kevin's.
how the Dreamatorium works. Abed promised he'd show me
But I want to… Abed, don't you think
today's the perfect day? No.
Is this a social cue? Abed!
I left my "Putting on the Ritz" cane in here earlier.
has another name, but… I know it probably
honest with you guys? Can I be perfectly
I think I went too far with this one.
I have to go to the bank today.
What am I supposed to tell people in line?
I had good news and bad news?
Get your life together. Come on, Craig.
To run out of steam ♪ d Give me the hope
It can be here ♪ d Somebody said
Tied up dead in a year ♪ d We could be roped up
I am Inspector Spacetime.
And I know that which is unknown.
Duty-bound to protect
a universe of innocent unremarkables,
in the X7 Dimensionizer I patrol it
with my loyal constable, Reggie.
This week, however, Reggie has been forced to go to lunch.
So I'm aboard the much crappier HMS Spacetime 12,
from the worst season ever,
with temporary constable, Geneva.
Geneva, I need the quantum spanner, the big one.
Oi, guv'nor, quantum spammer,
up and at them, isn't it?
get out of orbital lock, If we can't
Tut, tut, milord. the Blorgons may intercept.
Wouldn't give a tuppence for that sticky wicket.
Okay, stop simulation.
More British? I can't do this anymore.
But the Blogons might intercept…
"Blogon" means "thank you." It's "Blorgons" with an R.
Can't we play something I know about,
like hospital administration?
matchmaker with Troy and Britta. You're mad at me for playing
You think you're gonna lose Troy.
I'm not petty. I'm mad at you
with the fabric of the group. because you tampered
How do you know their pairing up wouldn't destroy everything?
I examine this stuff from every angle.
Oh, and you can do that, but I can't?
You don't have a patent on being a control freak.
You think this is a room I kind of do.
where Troy and I play dinosaurs versus riverboat gamblers?
construction approved, Sure, it's how I got
has higher functions. but the Dreamatorium
Would you like me to show you
how Troy and Britta will play out?
Execute simulation: Why not?
Señor Kevin's. Troy-slash-Britta. Render
Ooh! Those appetizers were dope and legit.
usually support lunch I don't
because it's unfair to breakfast.
I never thought about meals fighting each other.
explains why you never I guess that
see any two of them on the same table.
So Annie's pretty hot to get us together.
She probably just doesn't understand people.
Well, the sooner the food comes, the sooner this will be over.
I'm afraid your food won't be ready for another half-hour.
I'm too busy misunderstanding the whole point of Die Hard.
to get home to Abed. I can't wait
dart back and forth So you can
doing impressions of your friends.
There's no science at work here.
The science is at work in here. You're right.
the Dreamatorium's engine. This is
My thoughts are collected by this box.
about my friends is here. Everything I know
Both are distilled by logic and recombined
into objective observation.
any of the study group I'm able to simulate
unique situations. in over 7000
Abed, it's cardboard tubes and a funnel.
It's calibrated to a specific level of brain function.
Right. I'm stupid.
Not stupid, just less able to see what I see.
Gee, you've got it all figured out.
King of toilet paper rolls over here.
Hey, Troy, I'm glad you called. Your lunch is going well, right?
Yeah, just checking in on Abed. Making sure he's okay.
What? He's fine.
a lower level of brain function, He just implied I operate on
so business as usual.
make sure he stays comfortable. Great, um, just, you know,
when I'm not around. I worry about him
he always will be. Well, he's fine,
People bend over backwards to cater to him.
He's just extra sensitive in the Dreamatorium.
It takes a lot out of him to run that thing.
to break his brain. I don't want you
Bye, Troy.
How is he? He'll be okay.
how much you care about him. It's so sweet
I hate about Die Hard: And another thing
Two FBI agents named Johnson?
I've been thinking about our Inspector Spacetime scenario.
It might work better if instead of playing Geneva,
you played Rosamund. She was a constable in season five
and she only had three lines.
I have a better idea.
your scenarios more realistic? Know what would make
If Troy weren't on a date.
your thoughts and logic Why don't you take
and add one step to the process. What are you doing?
From now on, before you do or say anything,
you're gonna think about
the people around you. how it affects
We lower functioning brains call this empathy.
Abed?
Oh, my God, I broke Abed.
how you wanted me to tell you Abed? You know
when you were being scary weird instead of cute weird?
This is scary weird.
Hello, Annie.
What was I doing on the floor? Were we doing it?
Are you being Jeff?
being a Kardashian. Well, I'm not
So where are we now? We're in the doctor's lounge
Hospital School? of Greendale Hospital School.
It's a sexy, emotional school where doctors save lives
often simultaneously. and make love,
ripped from the headlines. Our stories,
Our passions, unbridled.
Our cafeteria. Eh.
I know I'm just a surgeon Make love to me, Ann.
upstart administrator, and you're a hotshot,
but damn the rules, damn the system,
damn our two-foot height disparity.
Okay, Abed, I get it. I want you.
We have different sensibilities. Later.
Bye. I'm leaving.
Okay, Dr. Jeff,
can you please tell me where I can find Abed?
I owe him an apology. Abed? Never heard of him.
Terrific.
I asked you a question, doctor. I'm a surgeon.
And I'm your administrator.
I left my wife for you when she was pregnant.
Who do you think inseminated her?
Tell me what I want to know or, God is my witness,
I'll have your stethoscope. Fine.
Dr. Perry might know.
Render environment: Bio Lab.
fooling around with each other. Look, there's Britta and Troy
Look, there's Abed having overcome his issues.
Nice try.
Dr. Barnes, Dr. Perry.
We just saved an uninsured homeless man's life.
Using an unapproved procedure. Now we're going to kiss.
INCOHERENT NOISES] [BOTH MAKING
What do you want, administrator? This is what you think I want?
I want to talk to Abed.
There's no one here by that name.
Maybe I am, so what? You're lying.
I was raised on the mean streets of Harlem.
I'm not scared of you.
Well, be scared of this.
known commonly as truth serum. Sodium pentothal,
in the hospital school files, I saw Abed's name
I love butt stuff, I hate spiders,
I stole a pen from the bank,
I cried during About a Boy. The soundtrack.
I don't wash my hands before surgery.
I see why women find Clive Owen attractive to the point
where I might as well be attracted to him.
to win arguments on the Internet I use comparisons to Hitler
I know nothing about wine. at the drop of a hat.
I'm more turned on by women in pajamas than lingerie.
they feel comfortable. I just wanna know
I didn't get Inception.
You saw his name in the files. There's so many layers.
Right. Render environment: medical study room.
There's head nurse, Shirley,
talking to heart-wrenching Alzheimer's patient
and Emmy contender Pierce Hawthorne.
you're out of your bed again. Mr. Hawthorne,
Because I think I'm on a train. Ohh! Oh.
the file on Abed. Shirley, get me
Abed doesn't exist, young lady. He exists if I say so.
Your hospital school This is my hospital school.
is a simulation being run
through a filter of other people's needs.
Abed's been filtered out because nobody needs him.
Well, you're not simulated. I need him.
Oh! No, but this is.
where that didn't come from. And there's more
Jeff, get the files. This is a private compartment.
You can see the cabinets. Why me?
And I'll make love to you. Jackpot.
There is an Abed in this hospital school,
but he's not a doctor.
He's a patient. Notify security.
Jeff, take me to Abed. Conductor.
Enough games. And where is that?
Just take me where I wanna go. Follow me.
Are we close? Almost there.
You should probably run in place
and let the hallway move around you.
Where? Here we are.
Where you wanted to go. The last night of school, first year.
The night we kissed.
so whose memory is this? Abed wasn't there,
the Dreamatorium really works. Maybe it's yours. Maybe
watching from the bushes Or maybe Leonard was
and told Abed about it.
I don't have cable.
Knock it off, Abed. I'm not Abed.
You're confused, so was I.
But not anymore.
I don't wanna do this. Jeff, Abed, stop.
I wanna talk to Abed.
I'm taking the file.
Oh, it says Abed is in the recovery parlor.
never better.
You're not holding anything.
This is the file.
psychiatric patient 1373, Abed Nadir,
with no empathy. control freak
People bend over backwards to cater to him.
Signed, healthcare administrator Annie Edison.
That's out of context. Shh, shh, shh.
You've thought of everything, Annie.
and Troy and Britta together, With Abed gone
there's nothing standing in the way of us.
Wait, what? Come on. This is your dream.
This is why you played matchmaker.
what's important to you. This is
You are not Jeff.
Because Jeff cares about Abed.
Troy and Britta together And I did not push
so this would happen.
were cute together I thought they
and this would've been a bonus.
And we are not here.
because I hate whoever you are. And I'm not staying here
You should probably storm off in…
In place. Aah!
Where do you wanna go next?
Sounds good to me. I wanna be alone.
Execute simulation: Annie-slash-Annie.
There. Now we're alone.
Great, so you're me now.
our magic moment with Jeff? Why are you blowing
It's not even real. It's not magic.
But we love Jeff. No, we don't.
with the idea of being loved. We're just in love
And if we can teach a guy like Jeff to do it,
we'll never be unloved.
the same scenario over and over, So we keep running
Running scenarios? hoping for a different result.
Careful, now. You're starting to sound like Abed.
So I probably shouldn't say things like:
Cougar Town, cool, cool, co "Star Wars. Zardoz,
Stop it. Pop culture.
You're gonna get in trouble. I'm on a TV show.
It's Abed. Meta, meta.
I got an Abed here. Get him.
That's it. I find you guilty of being Abed. You're under arrest.
I don't know what's going on? Can I just interject and say
This time you'll never get out.
Abed?
Abed.
I found you by turning into you.
How cool is that? Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
Tell me where we are so I can pretend to see it.
We're inside a locker.
a lot of time in junior high. It's where I spent
You think this is where we'd put you?
You know that's absurd, right? I'm not stupid.
You can see I've increased the square footage.
It's a metaphorical locker.
when everyone's fed up with us. Where people like me get put
Abed, so maudlin.
If you start turning into a vampire…
I've run simulations. I don't get married
that helps people have sex. or invent a website
into Sundance or DancePants. I don't make it
Troy invents DancePants in 2019.
he needs to stumble onto it. Don't tell,
All right, listen. The scenarios
you run in here are like great science fiction.
and detailed and insightful, They're impressive
but they're not accurate for crap.
Science fiction never has been.
Look at 2001. Did we have a space odyssey?
No, we got snowboarding in the Olympics,
and we over-validated Carson Daily.
Yeah, cry me a river. That poor guy.
are nothing more than anxieties. My point is, your simulations
You're afraid you don't fit in. You're afraid you'll be alone.
Great news, you share that
so you'll never be alone, with all of us,
and you'll always fit in.
And, yes, that's why I meddled with Troy and Britta.
You caught me.
go according to some script. I was trying to make life
I can't. You can't.
more comfortable winging it. We both need to get
At least it'll be less work.
my Dreamatorium time It would cut down
I could take up yoga. by 18 hours a week.
You have the body type.
Now, let's get you out of here. I don't know how.
These shackles don't have a key.
a quantum spanner's for? Isn't that what
Technically, no.
But that's fine.
So should we get back to lunch?
I guess so. More anticlimactic than I would've simulated it,
Anticlimactic? but whatever.
Observo-deck, HMS Spacetime 12. Render environment:
Inspector, set the tachyon drive to hyper-jump.
the other side of this field We must get to
before the Blorgons intercept.
Blorgons, in this sector?
Well, this mission has gone pear-shaped, indeed.
Prepare to hyper-jump on my mark.
Bugger the dove-coats, Inspector.
We're too late. Blorgons!
Eradicate. Eradicate.
useless against their armor. Quantum blasters are
as Lord Nelson's mutton. We're as cooked
Not if I can help it.
I'll see you on the other side, Inspector, wherever that is.
"Whenever that is"? Don't you mean
Take that, Blorgon scum.
You'll blogon me for this later.
Ow! Annie.
Abed, I'm so sorry. Oh! Oh, my God.
No, no, you're committing. This is good stuff.
Thanks.
I am Abed Nadir,
things everyone else knows. and I don't know a lot of
I wander the universe with my friend Troy,
doing whatever I want,
sometimes accidentally hurting innocent unremarkables.
This week, however, Troy went to lunch and I adapted.
to enter the minds of others… I now have the ability
I'm hungry, are you hungry? Yeah.
I'll make us buttered noodles.
technique known as empathy. …using an elusive new
So was the other fast food place worth the drive?
Halfway there, I thought, what am I doing?
It's the same fast food in a different location.
Have the margins of my life become so narrow?
pizza. I beat the Matrix today. I went to the mall and had
game-changing day for all of us. Sounds like this has been a
I almost sat on my balls,
but at the last second, I made an adjustment.
Good work. Good job.
Well, we had a good lunch too. Good job, man.
Yeah.
I spoke to the manager about Die Hard.
I told him he should be ashamed of himself.
Thanks.
on the Dreamatorium. Sorry I bailed
pretty good in a pinch. It's okay. Annie did
All right, back to cramming?
The people at the bank loved my outfit.
And they had all kinds of questions about it,
and even liberate them a little. and my answers seemed to amuse
A few of us went to lunch,
conversation of my life. and I had the deepest
I'm telling everybody. I gotta go.
a long, dark night, Hm. Maybe after
to rise on Greendale. the sun is starting
Maybe. Maybe not.
You never can tell what kind of day you're gonna have.
Okay, I didn't really avoid sitting on them.
I sat right on them.
I'm sorry. Pierce, I'm sorry.
Hurt like hell. I saw eagles.
Today, we're joined by Annie. Hi.
how to spruce up your apartment. Who's gonna show us
I thought I'd cover up the stain What inspired this throw?
where Abed spilled Code Red on the couch last week.
Oops. Crafty. And you have some tips on entertaining.
Yes, if you're expecting company
but you don't have enough chairs,
you can bring pillows from your bedroom
and use them on the floor for a Moroccan feel.
Ooh, a taste of the Orient.
Actually, boys, I have a little surprise for you.
While you two were out playing blazer tag…
That's laser tag with sport coats.
…I did a little extreme bedroom makeover.
and got scrap fabric and… I unbunked your beds
It's okay. We can put it back.
We can put it back the way it was.
I'm so sorry. It's okay.
I'm sorry. Cut, Garrett.