1 00:00:02,546 --> 00:00:05,466 This is a historic day for Greendale. 2 00:00:05,507 --> 00:00:10,429 This state-of-the-art Subway sandwichery in our cafetorium 3 00:00:10,471 --> 00:00:13,348 represents Greendale's first steps forward 4 00:00:13,390 --> 00:00:15,517 into the realm of the legitimate! 5 00:00:15,559 --> 00:00:16,894 Ooh. 6 00:00:16,936 --> 00:00:18,353 Oh, oh. No problem. You know what? 7 00:00:18,395 --> 00:00:20,856 I'm just going to get it started with my teeth. 8 00:00:20,898 --> 00:00:23,442 The legitimate! Oh. The legitimate! 9 00:00:23,484 --> 00:00:24,944 That should be my sandwich shop. 10 00:00:24,984 --> 00:00:26,862 It was my idea to put one there. 11 00:00:26,904 --> 00:00:28,405 We're here for you, Shirley. Yeah. 12 00:00:28,447 --> 00:00:30,365 Troy, Annie, and I know what it's like to be displaced. 13 00:00:30,407 --> 00:00:32,326 They're tenting our building for termites, so we're homeless. 14 00:00:32,367 --> 00:00:34,035 I'm staying in the sleep study lab. 15 00:00:34,077 --> 00:00:35,871 All I have to do is wake up every three hours and go… 16 00:00:35,913 --> 00:00:38,666 And I get two credits. 17 00:00:38,707 --> 00:00:40,083 Yeah, and we're going to build 18 00:00:40,125 --> 00:00:40,986 a super awesome pillow fort here at the school. 19 00:00:41,001 --> 00:00:42,169 Another pillow fort? 20 00:00:42,210 --> 00:00:43,963 Kind of repeating yourselves, aren't you? 21 00:00:44,003 --> 00:00:46,548 That was a blanket fort. This will be a pillow fort. 22 00:00:46,590 --> 00:00:48,467 Way more difficult, way better. 23 00:00:48,509 --> 00:00:50,636 All difficult things are better, like carrying a disease 24 00:00:50,678 --> 00:00:52,680 or holding in a fart right now. Ah-ha! 25 00:00:52,721 --> 00:00:55,557 I just found out how Shirley and I are going to take down Subway. 26 00:00:55,599 --> 00:00:57,935 Oh, how? Dean? 27 00:00:57,977 --> 00:01:00,145 I assume you're familiar with the Greendale bylaws. 28 00:01:00,187 --> 00:01:01,772 I am not. 29 00:01:01,814 --> 00:01:03,315 Shirley, you do the honors. 30 00:01:03,357 --> 00:01:05,108 My brain starts getting weird this time of night. 31 00:01:05,150 --> 00:01:06,694 It's 10:00 a.m. 32 00:01:06,735 --> 00:01:08,612 You're welcome. Uh-oh. 33 00:01:08,654 --> 00:01:11,281 "Any business operating for profit on Greendale's campus 34 00:01:11,323 --> 00:01:15,118 "must be at least 51% owned by a registered Greendale student"! 35 00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:18,330 That's too bad, Dean. I don't recall seeing Subway 36 00:01:18,372 --> 00:01:20,165 in my premenopausal, postfeminist 37 00:01:20,207 --> 00:01:22,042 experiential marketing class. 38 00:01:22,083 --> 00:01:24,003 Actually, I'm on the wait list 39 00:01:24,043 --> 00:01:25,587 for the premen/postfem/ex mark. 40 00:01:25,629 --> 00:01:27,006 Who are you? 41 00:01:27,046 --> 00:01:29,800 Gang, meet Greendale's newest student, Subway. 42 00:01:29,842 --> 00:01:31,927 Your name is Subway? 43 00:01:31,969 --> 00:01:35,305 Yep, using a groundbreaking but surprisingly legal process 44 00:01:35,347 --> 00:01:38,308 known as corpohumanization, real people such as myself 45 00:01:38,350 --> 00:01:42,021 are now allowed to represent the collective humanity of business owners. 46 00:01:42,061 --> 00:01:44,314 I have contractually waived my birth identity 47 00:01:44,356 --> 00:01:49,069 and am now a man and student named Subway. 48 00:01:49,862 --> 00:01:51,572 I don't believe this. 49 00:01:51,613 --> 00:01:53,782 Come on, Subway, there is no way you're 5'10". 50 00:01:54,992 --> 00:01:56,744 So you can vote? 51 00:01:56,785 --> 00:01:58,704 Actually, no, because technically I'm only a week old. 52 00:01:58,746 --> 00:02:00,789 Aw. 53 00:02:00,831 --> 00:02:02,249 But please don't think of me as any less human than yourselves. 54 00:02:02,290 --> 00:02:04,501 I'm here to hang out, take weird classes, 55 00:02:04,543 --> 00:02:07,504 and party as hearty as my morality clause allows. 56 00:02:07,546 --> 00:02:10,465 Eat fresh? Eat fresh? 57 00:02:10,507 --> 00:02:13,052 Eat fresh. That's my man. 58 00:02:13,093 --> 00:02:14,428 Wow, did you know Greendale students 59 00:02:14,469 --> 00:02:17,097 are technically in the Army Reserves? 60 00:02:18,473 --> 00:02:21,518 Let's say a little prayer for peace. 61 00:02:47,920 --> 00:02:50,881 Annie, you've got to get me into this sleep lab. 62 00:02:50,923 --> 00:02:52,674 I can't think of a better use of my time here 63 00:02:52,716 --> 00:02:53,759 than being unconscious. 64 00:02:53,801 --> 00:02:55,343 It's not a blow-off class, Jeff. 65 00:02:55,385 --> 00:02:57,471 We're only allowed to bring one stuffed animal. 66 00:02:57,512 --> 00:02:59,347 I'm bringing Ruthie… 67 00:02:59,389 --> 00:03:01,725 But using her pouch to sneak in Nathan. 68 00:03:02,350 --> 00:03:03,936 Well, have fun. 69 00:03:06,063 --> 00:03:07,564 Wait, since when do we have lockers? 70 00:03:07,606 --> 00:03:10,985 Uh, since Registration Day, 2009. 71 00:03:11,026 --> 00:03:14,362 Jeff, did you skip the Pre-orientation Freshman Welcome Seminar 72 00:03:14,404 --> 00:03:16,573 and Diversity Fire Circle? 73 00:03:16,615 --> 00:03:18,533 This explains so much about you. 74 00:03:18,575 --> 00:03:21,160 Are you saying I've had a locker here for two and a half years? 75 00:03:24,665 --> 00:03:27,709 Whoa, whoa. Wow. 76 00:03:27,751 --> 00:03:29,837 "Halloween dance." "Post-halloween dance." 77 00:03:29,878 --> 00:03:31,130 "Dance contest." 78 00:03:31,170 --> 00:03:32,798 "Contest dance." Oh, come on. 79 00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:35,968 What's this? "Save Garrett"? What's wrong with Garrett? 80 00:03:36,010 --> 00:03:38,178 Nothing now. We saved him. 81 00:03:39,721 --> 00:03:41,181 Aah! 82 00:03:41,222 --> 00:03:42,474 Wait, that's "saved" Garrett? 83 00:03:42,516 --> 00:03:45,894 Ooh, what's this? Love letter? 84 00:03:45,936 --> 00:03:48,105 Oh, it's probably one of many. 85 00:03:48,147 --> 00:03:50,024 Oh, no. This is a hate letter. 86 00:03:50,065 --> 00:03:51,775 What? Let me see that. 87 00:03:51,817 --> 00:03:53,360 "Dear Jeff, this might come as a shock 88 00:03:53,401 --> 00:03:55,278 "to someone who thinks he's God's gift to the world, 89 00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:57,156 "but you're actually an inconsiderate jerk. 90 00:03:57,197 --> 00:03:58,281 "Kim." 91 00:03:58,323 --> 00:04:00,367 "Inconsiderate"? Who's Kim? 92 00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:02,327 I don't know, and clearly she doesn't know me. 93 00:04:02,369 --> 00:04:03,787 Gesundheit. 94 00:04:03,829 --> 00:04:05,413 I didn't sneeze. 95 00:04:09,043 --> 00:04:12,004 Look at these idiots. Cattle, sheep… 96 00:04:12,046 --> 00:04:14,255 Other animals that travel in herds. 97 00:04:14,297 --> 00:04:15,549 I want to say snakes. 98 00:04:15,590 --> 00:04:17,718 Am I the only person enraged by the fact 99 00:04:17,759 --> 00:04:19,845 that corporations are taking human form? 100 00:04:19,887 --> 00:04:22,848 I totally predicted this in my high school newspaper column 101 00:04:22,890 --> 00:04:24,265 "Britta Unfiltered." 102 00:04:24,307 --> 00:04:26,685 Unfiltered. I get it. Get what? 103 00:04:26,727 --> 00:04:30,689 Actually, maybe Subway taking human form could be its undoing. 104 00:04:30,731 --> 00:04:32,191 Uh, Britta… 105 00:04:32,273 --> 00:04:34,317 You're a, uh, progressive woman 106 00:04:34,359 --> 00:04:38,822 of a more liberated looseness. 107 00:04:38,864 --> 00:04:41,575 You could get close to Subway and find out some dirt on him. 108 00:04:41,616 --> 00:04:43,660 Corporate espionage. I like it. 109 00:04:43,702 --> 00:04:45,037 Microphones hidden in lipstick. 110 00:04:45,079 --> 00:04:46,955 Lipstick hidden in microphones. 111 00:04:46,997 --> 00:04:48,749 And the deadliest weapon of them all… 112 00:04:48,790 --> 00:04:50,167 The penis flytrap. 113 00:04:50,209 --> 00:04:52,211 Okay! This conversation is over. 114 00:04:52,252 --> 00:04:54,963 I am not a whore, and not that I've done the math, 115 00:04:55,005 --> 00:04:57,382 but if I were, I'd be the super classy kind 116 00:04:57,424 --> 00:05:00,094 that gets flown to Dubai to stay in an underwater hotel. 117 00:05:04,514 --> 00:05:05,933 Abed, Troy. 118 00:05:05,974 --> 00:05:07,350 Ah, don't worry, Dean. 119 00:05:07,392 --> 00:05:08,727 We have all the proper permits right here. 120 00:05:08,769 --> 00:05:10,229 Oh, silly me! 121 00:05:10,270 --> 00:05:13,148 This is a coupon for 20% off at Bed Bath & Beyond. 122 00:05:13,190 --> 00:05:17,277 No need to bribe me, Troy. Actually… 123 00:05:17,318 --> 00:05:18,612 There's plenty more where that came from. 124 00:05:18,653 --> 00:05:21,322 Look, I was just Googling record lengths of stuff, 125 00:05:21,364 --> 00:05:23,617 and apparently there's a Guinness World Record 126 00:05:23,658 --> 00:05:25,994 for the biggest pillow or blanket fort. 127 00:05:26,036 --> 00:05:28,038 So you boys… You should go for it. 128 00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:29,539 Put this school on the map. 129 00:05:31,750 --> 00:05:33,543 We'd have a better chance of setting the record 130 00:05:33,585 --> 00:05:36,088 if we made this a blanket fort, you know, take less time. 131 00:05:36,130 --> 00:05:37,839 We wanted to make a pillow fort. 132 00:05:37,881 --> 00:05:39,716 I don't want to sacrifice quality for square footage. 133 00:05:39,758 --> 00:05:41,426 We don't need a world record to tell us we did something cool. 134 00:05:41,468 --> 00:05:42,510 But if we won, we might meet that dude 135 00:05:42,552 --> 00:05:43,720 with the curly fingernails. 136 00:05:43,762 --> 00:05:45,430 Shridhar Chillal? Not interested. 137 00:05:45,472 --> 00:05:47,141 I saw him on a talk show. He came off as pretentious. 138 00:05:49,977 --> 00:05:52,311 I'm going to go get a drink. Okay. 139 00:05:54,189 --> 00:05:55,732 Troy Barnes. 140 00:05:55,774 --> 00:05:56,942 Vice Dean Laybourne. 141 00:05:56,984 --> 00:06:00,154 You have a beard and a ponytail. 142 00:06:00,195 --> 00:06:01,529 Going through some stuff right now, Troy. 143 00:06:01,571 --> 00:06:03,615 Don't worry about it. 144 00:06:03,657 --> 00:06:05,117 Any chance you've given a second thought to joining 145 00:06:05,159 --> 00:06:07,119 my air conditioning repair school? 146 00:06:07,161 --> 00:06:08,870 Sorry. 147 00:06:08,912 --> 00:06:10,747 Kind of busy at the moment doing some awesome work with Abed. 148 00:06:10,789 --> 00:06:13,041 Ah, yeah, Abed. 149 00:06:13,083 --> 00:06:15,877 You guys watch that television show together, don't you? 150 00:06:15,919 --> 00:06:17,504 Inspector Spacetime. 151 00:06:17,545 --> 00:06:18,672 Funny, Troy. 152 00:06:18,713 --> 00:06:20,548 You and Abed have always reminded me 153 00:06:20,590 --> 00:06:22,843 of the Inspector and his trusty constable Reggie. 154 00:06:22,884 --> 00:06:24,094 Cool! 155 00:06:24,136 --> 00:06:26,221 The Inspector, of course, is smart, decisive, 156 00:06:26,263 --> 00:06:27,889 and Reggie is… 157 00:06:27,931 --> 00:06:30,309 Well, he's Reggie. 158 00:06:30,349 --> 00:06:33,937 Reggie is trained in zero-gravity martial arts and has a whistle. 159 00:06:33,979 --> 00:06:35,438 Yeah. 160 00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:37,524 But he never really gets to blow the whistle 161 00:06:37,565 --> 00:06:40,735 unless the Inspector says it's okay. 162 00:06:40,777 --> 00:06:43,322 Less of a friendship, more of a self-centered nerd 163 00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:45,657 and his naive, obedient lapdog. 164 00:06:45,699 --> 00:06:46,908 Well, I got a thing. 165 00:06:46,950 --> 00:06:48,535 You take care. 166 00:06:50,578 --> 00:06:52,622 Well, according to the office, this is the locker 167 00:06:52,664 --> 00:06:56,501 of the only Kim I've had any class with since 2009. 168 00:06:56,543 --> 00:06:58,837 Wonder what you did to make her so mad. 169 00:06:58,879 --> 00:07:02,007 Maybe the two of you made out, and then you forgot about her. 170 00:07:02,049 --> 00:07:04,885 Annie, that's what you think of me? 171 00:07:04,926 --> 00:07:06,385 I don't make out with forgettable women. 172 00:07:06,427 --> 00:07:07,679 Can I help you? 173 00:07:07,721 --> 00:07:09,223 We're looking for Kim McFadden. 174 00:07:09,264 --> 00:07:10,349 This is her locker, right? 175 00:07:10,390 --> 00:07:12,100 Are you serious? 176 00:07:12,142 --> 00:07:14,435 She slipped a note into my locker a couple years ago. 177 00:07:14,477 --> 00:07:15,770 I guess I pissed her off somehow. 178 00:07:15,812 --> 00:07:17,022 I'm hoping to apologize. 179 00:07:17,064 --> 00:07:19,233 That might not be easy. 180 00:07:19,274 --> 00:07:21,526 Kim's no longer with us. 181 00:07:21,568 --> 00:07:23,403 She died two weeks ago. 182 00:07:23,444 --> 00:07:24,445 What? 183 00:07:24,487 --> 00:07:26,240 Sorry to drop that on you and run, 184 00:07:26,281 --> 00:07:27,908 but there's a rally for Garrett. 185 00:07:27,949 --> 00:07:29,617 But we saved him. 186 00:07:30,785 --> 00:07:31,995 Did we? 187 00:07:37,042 --> 00:07:38,252 What do you recommend? 188 00:07:38,293 --> 00:07:40,337 What's it to you, meat pusher? 189 00:07:40,379 --> 00:07:42,339 Sounds like you might be a vegetarian. 190 00:07:42,381 --> 00:07:43,631 You should try Subway's Veggie Delite. 191 00:07:43,673 --> 00:07:46,176 You should try reading Orwell's 1984. 192 00:07:46,218 --> 00:07:47,802 I have. It's a great book. 193 00:07:47,844 --> 00:07:49,470 It really awakened me in high school. 194 00:07:49,512 --> 00:07:50,513 I think kids should be forced to read it. 195 00:07:50,555 --> 00:07:53,725 Me too. Anyway, you're living it. 196 00:07:53,767 --> 00:07:56,353 You're a human puppet with big sandwich's hand up your ass. 197 00:07:56,395 --> 00:07:58,063 Is this what you dreamt of being? 198 00:07:58,105 --> 00:08:01,191 Unfortunately I'm not allowed to discuss my former life 199 00:08:01,233 --> 00:08:02,943 or engage in any nonplatonic relations, 200 00:08:02,984 --> 00:08:04,444 practice religion in public, 201 00:08:04,485 --> 00:08:06,529 or eat any nonfresh, unhealthy food like that 202 00:08:06,571 --> 00:08:08,031 found anywhere outside Subway. 203 00:08:08,073 --> 00:08:09,699 Why are you getting all that? 204 00:08:09,741 --> 00:08:11,451 I wanted to stand next to you for a moment. 205 00:08:12,577 --> 00:08:14,037 It was worth it. 206 00:08:14,079 --> 00:08:17,082 Like a good book by Orwell or a Veggie Delite. 207 00:08:22,545 --> 00:08:24,547 Is that you, Subway? 208 00:08:24,589 --> 00:08:26,341 My eyesight ain't what it used to be. 209 00:08:26,383 --> 00:08:28,176 Eat these Tater Tots, Harry. 210 00:08:28,218 --> 00:08:30,595 For what it's worth, I think you might see more than all of us. 211 00:08:33,473 --> 00:08:35,267 Did you see him smiling at you? 212 00:08:35,309 --> 00:08:37,269 Top-notch whoresmanship, Britta. 213 00:08:37,311 --> 00:08:39,604 Pierce. Sorry. Whoreswomanship. 214 00:08:39,646 --> 00:08:41,273 Forgot it was the '90s. 215 00:08:41,731 --> 00:08:42,816 Uh-oh. 216 00:08:42,857 --> 00:08:44,734 Anyway… Thank you, Britta. 217 00:08:44,776 --> 00:08:47,028 I knew we could count on you to help us take him down! 218 00:08:47,070 --> 00:08:49,281 Yep, that's me, the girl who's going to destroy 219 00:08:49,323 --> 00:08:51,783 the big sandwich company with the dreamy eyes. 220 00:08:51,825 --> 00:08:54,535 Ooh! We did it, Pierce. 221 00:09:10,885 --> 00:09:13,221 Powerful passage, isn't it? 222 00:09:13,263 --> 00:09:15,807 "She had become a physical necessity." 223 00:09:16,850 --> 00:09:18,143 You circled this paragraph. 224 00:09:18,185 --> 00:09:20,645 I can't say that I did. 225 00:09:20,687 --> 00:09:23,064 I just think it's a striking expression of love's ability 226 00:09:23,106 --> 00:09:26,693 to persevere within the cracks and cogs of inhuman systems. 227 00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:29,904 Who were you, Subway, before you were Subway? 228 00:09:29,946 --> 00:09:31,490 I can't say. 229 00:09:31,531 --> 00:09:32,824 I have to live within the rules. 230 00:09:32,866 --> 00:09:34,868 This identity is my life. 231 00:09:34,909 --> 00:09:36,453 If I do this for three more years, 232 00:09:36,495 --> 00:09:38,079 I can live a real dream. 233 00:09:38,121 --> 00:09:39,706 Well, at least tell me what that is. 234 00:09:39,747 --> 00:09:42,459 I want to run a nonprofit shelter for handicapped animals. 235 00:09:42,501 --> 00:09:44,503 Dogs with wheels for hind legs. 236 00:09:44,544 --> 00:09:46,754 Deaf hamsters. One-eyed cats? 237 00:09:46,796 --> 00:09:50,008 Well, they weren't on the top of my list, but sure. 238 00:09:50,050 --> 00:09:53,094 I should go. This is getting out of bounds for me. 239 00:09:53,136 --> 00:09:54,679 Eat fresh. 240 00:09:57,474 --> 00:09:58,808 You should put the small ones in the middle, 241 00:09:58,850 --> 00:09:59,934 or the wall won't hold the ceiling. 242 00:09:59,976 --> 00:10:01,769 Why do I always have to be your Reggie? 243 00:10:01,811 --> 00:10:02,979 What? 244 00:10:03,021 --> 00:10:04,231 I wanted to make a blanket fort, 245 00:10:04,272 --> 00:10:06,691 and you never even gave it a second thought. 246 00:10:06,733 --> 00:10:08,485 I'm not even your sidekick. I'm your underkick. 247 00:10:08,527 --> 00:10:10,487 I never said you couldn't do anything. 248 00:10:10,529 --> 00:10:12,155 If you want to make a blanket fort, that's fine with me. 249 00:10:13,031 --> 00:10:14,657 Thank you. 250 00:10:14,699 --> 00:10:17,577 Just don't make it part of my pillow fort. 251 00:10:20,955 --> 00:10:22,874 Fine. 252 00:10:22,916 --> 00:10:24,709 I'll start it somewhere else. 253 00:10:24,751 --> 00:10:27,421 Have fun stacking pillows like a baby. 254 00:10:29,548 --> 00:10:31,716 Jeff, are you okay? 255 00:10:31,758 --> 00:10:34,010 I'm lying on campus furniture, so no. 256 00:10:34,052 --> 00:10:35,636 Is it about this Kim girl? 257 00:10:38,639 --> 00:10:42,143 She is someone who died thinking I was a dick. 258 00:10:42,185 --> 00:10:43,478 I can never apologize. 259 00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,272 I can never change her mind. 260 00:10:45,313 --> 00:10:47,941 That makes me a dick forever. 261 00:10:47,982 --> 00:10:50,193 You think that's what an apology is? 262 00:10:50,235 --> 00:10:53,905 A spell you cast on another person to make them forgive you? 263 00:10:53,947 --> 00:10:57,158 Apologies are opportunities to admit your own mistakes. 264 00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:58,910 Apologize to her locker. 265 00:10:58,952 --> 00:11:01,746 But how can I apologize if I don't know what I did wrong? 266 00:11:01,788 --> 00:11:05,875 Well, didn't she call you inconsiderate? 267 00:11:05,917 --> 00:11:08,420 Sounds to me like you know exactly what you did wrong. 268 00:11:09,712 --> 00:11:11,256 Leonard, what are you doing? 269 00:11:11,298 --> 00:11:13,174 Abed's fort needs pillows. 270 00:11:13,216 --> 00:11:14,633 But I was going to lie there. 271 00:11:14,675 --> 00:11:18,012 I was going to invest in IBM in 1952, 272 00:11:18,054 --> 00:11:20,223 but life is full of disappointments. 273 00:11:25,145 --> 00:11:26,563 Eating fresh, are we? 274 00:11:26,605 --> 00:11:28,064 Have you found any dirt on Subway yet? 275 00:11:28,106 --> 00:11:30,733 No, nothing. I should probably hang out with him more. 276 00:11:30,775 --> 00:11:33,528 You know what I think? I think you're falling for him. 277 00:11:33,570 --> 00:11:35,738 I am not. Who do you think I am? 278 00:11:35,780 --> 00:11:37,073 I lived in New York. 279 00:11:37,115 --> 00:11:39,117 You never lived anywhere. 280 00:11:39,159 --> 00:11:40,827 You're a weapon designed for sex. 281 00:11:40,868 --> 00:11:42,329 You only think you lived in New York 282 00:11:42,370 --> 00:11:43,788 'cause I implanted your memories. 283 00:11:43,830 --> 00:11:46,749 Oh, Pierce, stop it! Look what we're becoming. 284 00:11:46,791 --> 00:11:48,502 I'm sorry we pulled you into this dirty game. 285 00:11:48,543 --> 00:11:49,668 I want you to stop. 286 00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:51,171 Yeah, we're pulling you out… 287 00:11:51,212 --> 00:11:53,632 Right after your last assignment. 288 00:11:53,672 --> 00:11:56,426 This pen is a microphone. 289 00:11:56,468 --> 00:11:59,678 It's also a miniflask. 290 00:12:01,264 --> 00:12:02,516 Did you just drink ink? 291 00:12:02,557 --> 00:12:04,809 Just plant this on Subway, 292 00:12:04,851 --> 00:12:06,478 and you'll never have to see him again. 293 00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:08,522 Until then, keep him interested. 294 00:12:08,563 --> 00:12:11,690 And for God's sakes, slap some life on those dead lips. 295 00:12:15,778 --> 00:12:19,032 Hello, Abed. How's the pillow fort going? 296 00:12:19,073 --> 00:12:21,201 It's hard making something perfect, but it's worth it. 297 00:12:21,242 --> 00:12:23,453 Yeah, I'll remember that when I'm being given a key 298 00:12:23,495 --> 00:12:25,163 to the secret Guinness Record Holders' Clubhouse, 299 00:12:25,205 --> 00:12:27,332 where I'll be hanging with those two fat guys on motorcycles 300 00:12:27,374 --> 00:12:29,167 and being fitted for a beard of bees. 301 00:12:29,209 --> 00:12:32,379 Whoo! Well, Troy, I just got off the phone with Guinness, 302 00:12:32,420 --> 00:12:33,921 and they are sending a representative 303 00:12:33,963 --> 00:12:36,799 to have a look-see at your blanket fort. 304 00:12:36,841 --> 00:12:38,717 Are we world-record ready? 305 00:12:38,759 --> 00:12:40,136 Garrett? 306 00:12:40,178 --> 00:12:42,889 We are still more than 2,000 square feet shy of the record. 307 00:12:42,930 --> 00:12:45,808 Abed's pillow fort is the only thing standing in our way. 308 00:12:45,850 --> 00:12:47,561 Well, what are we going to do here, guys? 309 00:12:47,602 --> 00:12:49,354 Is there a way we can connect them? 310 00:12:49,396 --> 00:12:50,689 You can't connect the blanket fort to the pillow fort 311 00:12:50,729 --> 00:12:52,148 and still call it a pillow fort. 312 00:12:52,190 --> 00:12:53,358 Even if you could, I'd rather see 313 00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:54,693 my work destroyed than compromise it. 314 00:12:54,733 --> 00:12:57,320 Great, Abed will destroy his pillow fort, 315 00:12:57,362 --> 00:13:00,323 and Troy will expand his blanket fort into the space. 316 00:13:00,365 --> 00:13:01,949 Everyone wins. 317 00:13:01,991 --> 00:13:05,161 Except Abed, but you know, not everyone can win. 318 00:13:05,203 --> 00:13:06,954 Is that what you want, Troy? 319 00:13:06,996 --> 00:13:08,998 For me to destroy my pillow fort so you could set your record? 320 00:13:10,584 --> 00:13:11,750 It is. 321 00:13:12,210 --> 00:13:14,170 Magnitude. 322 00:13:14,212 --> 00:13:16,214 Evacuate Fort Abed, and prepare for self-destruct. 323 00:13:16,256 --> 00:13:17,882 Sir? Do it. 324 00:13:17,924 --> 00:13:19,217 We're done here. 325 00:13:19,259 --> 00:13:20,843 Pop, pop, Captain. 326 00:13:30,645 --> 00:13:32,897 Oh! Subway. 327 00:13:32,939 --> 00:13:35,066 Britta, I was worried you wouldn't come. 328 00:13:35,108 --> 00:13:37,652 I can't stop thinking about you. Shh. 329 00:13:41,740 --> 00:13:43,241 They wanted me to plant a bug on you. 330 00:13:43,283 --> 00:13:44,867 I can't, and I won't. 331 00:13:44,909 --> 00:13:47,995 Our values, our identities… They mean nothing to me now. 332 00:13:48,037 --> 00:13:49,456 Only the primal remains. 333 00:13:49,497 --> 00:13:53,501 To me, you are simply a physical necessity. 334 00:13:54,168 --> 00:13:55,336 Mmm. Mmm. 335 00:13:55,378 --> 00:13:57,004 Oh, Subway. 336 00:14:00,425 --> 00:14:01,968 Subway. 337 00:14:02,009 --> 00:14:03,595 Oh, Subway. Mmm. 338 00:14:04,471 --> 00:14:07,223 Oh, Subway. 339 00:14:07,265 --> 00:14:08,933 Oh, no, no. No, this is wrong, Pierce. 340 00:14:08,975 --> 00:14:10,268 I just wanted to open a sandwich shop. 341 00:14:10,310 --> 00:14:11,810 I did not sign up for this. 342 00:14:11,852 --> 00:14:13,187 You don't want to get your hands dirty, fine. 343 00:14:13,229 --> 00:14:14,648 I will. 344 00:14:15,649 --> 00:14:17,400 Nice knowing you, Subway. 345 00:14:17,442 --> 00:14:19,319 If that is your real name. 346 00:14:22,113 --> 00:14:23,323 Ah. 347 00:14:33,792 --> 00:14:36,503 Kim. It's me, Jeff. 348 00:14:37,504 --> 00:14:39,714 The inconsiderate jerk. 349 00:14:39,756 --> 00:14:41,800 Look, I don't remember hurting you, 350 00:14:41,841 --> 00:14:44,135 and I have to assume that's what hurt you. 351 00:14:44,177 --> 00:14:45,804 God knows what crime you've committed 352 00:14:45,845 --> 00:14:48,055 to deserve me disregarding you entirely. 353 00:14:48,097 --> 00:14:50,684 But whatever your crime, I think we both know 354 00:14:50,725 --> 00:14:53,102 the real crime is mine. 355 00:14:53,144 --> 00:14:54,854 I'm a self-centered, shallow jackass. 356 00:14:56,272 --> 00:15:00,777 And I just want to thank you for your note 357 00:15:00,819 --> 00:15:03,780 because I'm going to try and change. 358 00:15:03,822 --> 00:15:05,156 I just wish you were here to forgive me. 359 00:15:05,198 --> 00:15:06,658 I am. 360 00:15:06,700 --> 00:15:07,950 And I do. 361 00:15:09,452 --> 00:15:10,662 I'm Kim. 362 00:15:10,704 --> 00:15:13,790 What? You said Kim was dead. 363 00:15:13,832 --> 00:15:16,376 Because you never remember who I am. 364 00:15:16,417 --> 00:15:18,085 First year, we hung out, like, ten times. 365 00:15:18,127 --> 00:15:20,171 And each time, you introduced yourself to me. 366 00:15:20,213 --> 00:15:21,881 That's why I wrote that note. 367 00:15:21,922 --> 00:15:24,258 And then today, it's like you still don't remember me. 368 00:15:24,300 --> 00:15:26,927 And… And you still assume from my name that I am a girl. 369 00:15:26,969 --> 00:15:28,929 I had no choice but to make up that awesome story 370 00:15:28,971 --> 00:15:31,683 about a dead chick to hurt you like you hurt me. 371 00:15:31,725 --> 00:15:33,976 I am so sorry… 372 00:15:35,645 --> 00:15:38,105 Kim. Right? 373 00:15:38,147 --> 00:15:39,940 Do you know how long I've waited to hear you say that? 374 00:15:42,652 --> 00:15:44,028 What the hell is this crap? 375 00:15:44,070 --> 00:15:46,740 Annie, this is Kim. 376 00:15:46,781 --> 00:15:47,948 I think because he had a girl's name, 377 00:15:47,990 --> 00:15:49,158 I never took him seriously. 378 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:51,202 It happens literally all the time, 379 00:15:51,244 --> 00:15:54,080 which is insane because 16% of all people named Kim are men. 380 00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:55,456 I'm sorry, buddy. 381 00:15:55,498 --> 00:15:56,833 Don't apologize to this guy. 382 00:15:56,875 --> 00:15:58,292 You told me to apologize. 383 00:15:58,334 --> 00:16:00,127 To a dead girl's locker. 384 00:16:00,169 --> 00:16:03,423 I thought I was representing the sisterhood. 385 00:16:03,464 --> 00:16:04,841 Thought I was teaching you a lesson 386 00:16:04,883 --> 00:16:08,302 about all the girls you dominate and then ignore. 387 00:16:08,344 --> 00:16:11,765 Not to waste your energy on some weird, cloying, 388 00:16:11,806 --> 00:16:14,434 hypersensitive stalker with a girl's name. 389 00:16:14,475 --> 00:16:16,519 Hey! You are really mean. 390 00:16:16,561 --> 00:16:18,855 Put it in a letter, Jane Austen. 391 00:16:21,107 --> 00:16:23,610 Prepare to initiate Protocol Omega. 392 00:16:24,944 --> 00:16:27,906 Good-bye, pillow fort. You were a beautiful dream. 393 00:16:27,947 --> 00:16:31,409 More than a dream. It's here. 394 00:16:31,451 --> 00:16:32,660 Who are you? 395 00:16:32,702 --> 00:16:34,120 Someone who understands dedication 396 00:16:34,161 --> 00:16:37,206 to craftsmanship in the face of mediocrity. 397 00:16:37,248 --> 00:16:40,501 This world is run by the unremarkables. 398 00:16:40,543 --> 00:16:42,169 Don't do what you always do, Abed. 399 00:16:42,211 --> 00:16:45,005 Don't corrupt the host to pacify the parasites. 400 00:16:45,047 --> 00:16:46,507 Ask yourself, 401 00:16:46,549 --> 00:16:49,928 "What if I stopped worrying about their acceptance of me?" 402 00:16:49,969 --> 00:16:53,347 What if it fell to the Reggies of the world 403 00:16:53,389 --> 00:16:58,060 to keep up with the Inspectors or perish? 404 00:16:58,102 --> 00:17:01,648 Now please turn your head while I crawl away. 405 00:17:01,689 --> 00:17:04,984 I'm going through some stuff right now. 406 00:17:05,025 --> 00:17:06,486 I'm very insecure. 407 00:17:09,697 --> 00:17:10,782 What's going on? 408 00:17:10,824 --> 00:17:12,700 I'll ask the questions here. 409 00:17:12,742 --> 00:17:15,453 You had sex with Subway, and I recorded it. 410 00:17:16,412 --> 00:17:17,914 Yeah. Mmm-hmm. 411 00:17:17,956 --> 00:17:20,374 Mmm-hmm. Hmm. 412 00:17:20,416 --> 00:17:21,668 You know what, I'm going to let this one slide. 413 00:17:21,709 --> 00:17:23,586 What? What? 414 00:17:23,628 --> 00:17:25,379 I know we have very strict rules against romantic entanglements 415 00:17:25,421 --> 00:17:28,758 with our corpohumanoids, but at this point in time, 416 00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:31,385 we can't stop them from having hearts. 417 00:17:31,427 --> 00:17:33,387 These two are clearly in love. 418 00:17:33,429 --> 00:17:35,222 If they want to express that love 419 00:17:35,264 --> 00:17:38,977 in a perfectly healthy way, then… Okay, hold on. 420 00:17:39,018 --> 00:17:40,102 Is this what I think it is? 421 00:17:42,271 --> 00:17:45,191 That got unhealthy real quick. 422 00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:47,193 That… Okay, that's… Yeah, that's weird. 423 00:17:47,234 --> 00:17:49,529 That is well out of the mainstream. 424 00:17:49,570 --> 00:17:50,864 You know, I was raised in the… 425 00:17:50,905 --> 00:17:53,449 The Bay Area, but I… I'm a father now. 426 00:17:55,368 --> 00:17:58,329 Subway cannot stand for that, and frankly, Rick, 427 00:17:58,371 --> 00:17:59,914 I… I'm surprised you did. 428 00:17:59,956 --> 00:18:01,457 My name is Subway. Not anymore. 429 00:18:02,625 --> 00:18:03,793 The bread is stale. 430 00:18:03,835 --> 00:18:05,586 No! No! Oh, my God. 431 00:18:05,628 --> 00:18:06,796 Subway, I love you! 432 00:18:06,838 --> 00:18:08,422 Britta! Shut up. 433 00:18:08,464 --> 00:18:09,716 How could you? 434 00:18:09,757 --> 00:18:13,427 Well, if that'll be all, I'll be on my way. 435 00:18:13,469 --> 00:18:16,681 If someone could hand me my jacket. 436 00:18:16,723 --> 00:18:19,726 It's right over there on the coat rack next to the door. 437 00:18:19,767 --> 00:18:22,228 If somebody could just hand it to me, that would be great. 438 00:18:25,272 --> 00:18:27,107 I guess I'm confused. 439 00:18:27,149 --> 00:18:28,401 Why don't you just grab it on your way out the door… 440 00:18:28,442 --> 00:18:30,444 You know what? Now I'm not leaving. 441 00:18:30,486 --> 00:18:32,488 Now I'm just going to sit for a while 442 00:18:32,530 --> 00:18:35,700 and focus on how unacceptable today was. 443 00:18:37,117 --> 00:18:38,118 Jeff. 444 00:18:38,995 --> 00:18:41,247 I wanted to apologize. 445 00:18:41,288 --> 00:18:44,792 I never realized I had my own issues regarding gender roles, 446 00:18:44,834 --> 00:18:47,545 and it was certainly unfair of me to take them out on Kim. 447 00:18:47,587 --> 00:18:48,880 Mmm. 448 00:18:49,296 --> 00:18:50,297 Who's Kim? 449 00:18:52,425 --> 00:18:54,719 Corporate America has destroyed love. 450 00:18:54,761 --> 00:18:56,429 Again? Subway! 451 00:18:58,097 --> 00:19:01,434 Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else. 452 00:19:01,475 --> 00:19:04,270 Britta, you silly. It is me, Subway. 453 00:19:04,311 --> 00:19:06,105 What? 454 00:19:06,146 --> 00:19:07,941 I had a great time with you last night in the pillow fort, 455 00:19:07,982 --> 00:19:10,359 the one exception being the deviant sex act 456 00:19:10,401 --> 00:19:12,403 you initiated without my consent. 457 00:19:15,656 --> 00:19:17,116 Eat fresh. 458 00:19:18,743 --> 00:19:20,286 Oh, jeez. 459 00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:22,872 There is a situation developing in the study room. 460 00:19:22,914 --> 00:19:24,707 I would elaborate, but I am out of breath 461 00:19:24,749 --> 00:19:26,417 because I walked here very briskly. 462 00:19:30,254 --> 00:19:31,756 Calm down! 463 00:19:31,798 --> 00:19:33,007 Calm! 464 00:19:33,049 --> 00:19:34,634 Down! 465 00:19:35,509 --> 00:19:36,552 What's going on here? 466 00:19:36,594 --> 00:19:38,220 Abed won't tear down his fort. 467 00:19:38,262 --> 00:19:39,764 I shouldn't have to compromise my craftsmanship 468 00:19:39,806 --> 00:19:41,933 to placate mediocrity. Mediocrity? 469 00:19:41,975 --> 00:19:43,851 Okay, boys, boys. 470 00:19:43,893 --> 00:19:46,020 The Guinness rep will be here in two days. 471 00:19:46,062 --> 00:19:49,440 Can we just flip a coin to decide who has to back down? 472 00:19:49,482 --> 00:19:51,025 No. No. 473 00:19:51,067 --> 00:19:53,319 Well, I'm dean, so I'm making the call. 474 00:19:55,989 --> 00:19:57,573 The pillow fort comes down. 475 00:19:57,615 --> 00:19:58,741 All right, you stay back. 476 00:19:58,783 --> 00:19:59,826 Watch it, Star-Burns. 477 00:19:59,867 --> 00:20:01,577 My name is Alex! 478 00:20:07,959 --> 00:20:09,460 This is war! 479 00:20:26,352 --> 00:20:27,478 Back, back. Back. 480 00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:29,188 Go. Back, back, back in the fort. 481 00:20:32,608 --> 00:20:34,193 To be continued. 482 00:20:43,619 --> 00:20:45,746 Sir, it appears that Troy Barnes' blanket fort 483 00:20:45,788 --> 00:20:48,290 may go to war with Abed Nadir's pillow fort. 484 00:20:48,332 --> 00:20:49,625 Of course. 485 00:20:49,667 --> 00:20:52,128 Soon Troy and Abed will be torn asunder, 486 00:20:52,170 --> 00:20:55,715 and an unencumbered Troy will turn to his destiny… 487 00:20:55,756 --> 00:20:58,384 The air conditioning repair school. 488 00:20:58,425 --> 00:21:00,260 You are a cold-blooded man, sir. 489 00:21:00,302 --> 00:21:02,013 Yes. 490 00:21:02,055 --> 00:21:04,765 How unfortunate for Troy and Abed. 491 00:21:06,100 --> 00:21:07,226 Huh. 492 00:21:08,394 --> 00:21:09,645 See you at band practice.