Why did I go Greendale?
So I can keep my job and get busy with my education.
To meet different people.
Because Greendale's a slam dunk.
Why should you go Greendale? So why should you…
the most advanced typing class That's easy. Greendale has
in the Southwestern area.
And now, you can register by fax.
Go, Greendale, go! Go, Greendale!
That, as you probably know,
commercial for our school. is the currently-running
marathons of Fantasy Island. I see it during late-night
It's the result of targeting. That's not an accident.
Greendale's school board But now,
has given me a budget of $2000
Are you sure it should change? to update our little ad.
I chose Greendale over City College
that one dude goes… because of the way
Okay.
You know I love to be seen agreeing with you, Troy.
our chance to make But this is
Greendale's most reasonable dreams come true.
And I need your help, all of you.
That's okay, Jeffrey. You can say no.
its students. It mainly gives. This school asks little of
I feel like you guys might know what I'm talking about.
How can we help?
Oh, thanks for asking.
Greendale's brightest, I've chosen you,
most coincidentally diverse, Hispanics notwithstanding,
study group to star in our commercial.
Ooh. Pick a character.
We start this weekend. Oh, we get to be on TV!
If we're shooting this weekend, why are these cameras here?
Abed, true to form, has decided to do the weird thing
and film a documentary instead of helping.
Trying to make this commercial may cost the dean his sanity.
My camera follows the fire, not the smoke.
Ever seen Hearts of Darkness? Way better than Apocalypse Now.
What's the catering sitch going to be?
This isn't Hollywood. If it was, these glasses would be tinted
Stevie Nicks. No catering. and I'd be friends with
my trailer till there's food. Outrageous. I'm not leaving
You don't have a trailer. Then I'll rent a trailer.
I have the one I don't have. And I won't leave it till
not a circus freak. I'm an actor,
I needed to go that way. Oh, no.
Eh, I'll loop around.
To run out of steam ♪ d Give me the hope
Tied up dead in a year ♪ d We could be roped up
All right, let's rehearse this mamajama.
Does everyone know who they are?
Where's my script girl? Supervisor. I'm behind you.
Supervisor Girl. Thank you,
Faster than a locomotive.
A script supervisor tells everyone to stay on script
prevent logical inconsistencies. and keeps careful notes to
So, basically, the star.
We open on a typical day at Greendale,
only the students look happy and you can't smell that smell.
Troy? "Why do I go Greendale?"
"With three kids, you better believe every penny counts."
"To meet different people."
If you're comfortable with that. And then, you and Troy hug…
Of course. Troy and I are buds.
Best buds. Air buds, even.
Feeling stupid.
And then, the camera pans, and enter Dean Pelton.
the role of the dean. I got stuck with
how much of a dean I can be. So I'm going to show him
And I've got a feeling I won't make the cut.
Welcome to Dean-dale Community Colle-dean.
Honk, honk. Dean-a-lee-doo. I'm a silly goose.
Look at me. Stop.
This is my sister's outfit. Jeffrey, stop.
Save some for the screen. You've hit gold.
Scene Six is up first. All right, people,
Pierce is coming back. I don't think
Can someone fill in as the pencil?
of stage and star, Pierce, screen
will not leave this trailer until he gets a trailer.
I'm not leaving that trailer until there's catering.
And I'm not eating the food until…
And action.
Why go Greendale?
Just because, just dean it! Dean machine.
Got dean, got much… And cut.
Oh, a star is born.
I suggested to the dean we shoot my scenes
the Luis Guzmán statue in front of
has no legal right because the dean
to broadcast Guzmán's image,
which means every shot will be unusable.
I put a call in to Guzmán's lawyers to alert them.
mile to avoid doing something. I'm willing to go the extra
Like sex with women.
Shut up. You smell like Mentholyptus.
What are you even doing here?
breaking into the TV game. I'm thinking about
Since it's apparently sticking around.
I don't want to wake up in 30 years
and wonder, "What if?"
"Because this full-time mama ain't breaking the bank
expensive tuition." with your
Shirley, the voice. Okay, cut.
Can you make it, um…
it would be more s… I thought
What's another word that means happy-threatening?
The word he's looking for is "sassy."
He better pray he don't find it.
Get this shot, we are done.
Your phone is ringing. Oh.
Dean Deaning. Dean Pelton?
It's Luis Guzmán. How you doing?
a commercial for Greendale I hear you're making
to use my face or something? and need permission
Well, I, um… Uh…
Why not use the real thing?
I'm sorry?
in your commercial. I'd love to be
Wowee!
wants to be in my commercial. A real big-time celebrity
Wowee.
wants to be in my commercial. A real celebrity
Come on down. That's cool.
to finish this movie, But I've got
a couple of weeks, all right? so I can't come for
Mr. Guzmán, Luis, thank you.
And can I just say, I loved you in…
In…
IMDb.
See you soon, man.
That was tragic.
mean well, they really do. The students here
But what Greendale has always needed is a miracle.
This is it.
This is how I get to put Greendale on the map.
I thought this commercial was going to be okay.
Well, guess what? It just officially became great.
Let me give you a little rundown
of this commercial's great elements.
Luis Guzmán is in it.
will you excuse me? I'm sorry,
Everyone gather around, quick announcement.
Come on around.
Everything that we shot so far is worthless.
we're starting over tomorrow. I've thrown it out, and
Because… Why?
the commercial now, so… Luis Guzmán is in
Yeah. For realsies.
I'm rewriting all of your parts. Everyone, go home.
locked into something here. Except for you. You have
your character needs… And the only thing
is more screen time.
Great that he got a celebrity, but why reshoot everything?
Perfectionism. The dean's first step down a road
that ends in self-destruction.
That sounds horrible.
Actually, I might end up taking this to some festivals.
taken over the school. The production has
Classes are shut down.
The Quilting Club is being forced to sew costumes.
one brunette, one with asthma. Two females, 5'10",
He's also using the PA for casting calls.
everyone have their new script? Okay, everyone… Does
to be a book reading a book. Uh, it says I'm supposed
That doesn't make sense.
What's this?
Scene four.
Last night, I had an epiphany.
I'm ready to step this mother up a notch.
This commercial is going to push every button,
starting with the one so hot, it will sizzle your finger…
Race.
And action.
different people." "To meet
Cut! I'm coming in.
a 400-year-old dagger I am trying to pull
out of this nation's heart, and you two are hugging.
Her, I understand, but you?
You didn't. Let's take it again! What did I do?
different people." "To meet
"To meet different people." Again.
I need more! More!
Wrong! Fight the power! Fight it with your hugs.
Tear down those walls.
Get this wrong one more time, I'm segregating the school.
different people." "To meet
You can't even do it when we're helping!
Somebody help her!
"To meet different people!" Stop saying I'm different!
12 hours on this scene. Dean, we've spent
Maybe it's time to move on to something else.
I'm in Psych 101, and even I don't know what's happening.
The dean is going insane and taking you with him.
If you know that, then do something!
I'm doing everything I can. I only have so many cameras.
Aah! No!
in this thing for no reason. I've spent an entire day
What if the shoot drags on for another day?
Or, God forbid, two.
And action, and move.
ain't breaking the bank…" "This mama
Cut, cut, cut… Garrett,
you're not taking advantage of the motion-capture technology.
I forgot what I am again. You have to move.
Oh, for crying out… You are a microscope!
No, that's a toilet.
That's clearly a frog who can't get out of a box.
Jeff thinks he has it bad?
I have to wear my Jeff wig As Jeff's understudy,
on top of my Chang hair and my bald cap on top of that.
There's no air getting through. I'm literally dying.
But you'll never hear my story.
I mean, now you heard it, but… That was close.
You sure you can't work faster?
for perfection. Nobody asked
what you're getting. Perfection is
If you don't like it, you can fire me.
If we don't like it, at this point,
we definitely will fire you.
That's how I like it. Ha! Good!
I'm surrounded by assassins.
My own school's paper has turned on me.
But when this is all over,
I'll have a commercial with Luis Guzmán in it,
their words and their fears and all they'll have are
embarrassing photos and whatever
from my two-faced mother. they can get
Garrett, I've got two men in diapers here.
I know one is playing the dawn of a new era in education,
but I've got nothing on the other.
I'm just a guest of the dean's.
go that way, then. Both of you
his seventh epiphany, The dean had
an epiphany of my own. which has given me
The dean is a genius. He has to be.
weeks of my life to an idiot. If he isn't, I've given two
Therefore the dean is a genius. That is unacceptable.
protecting his vision. And I will die
Are you familiar with Stockholm Syndrome?
created? If not, I don't care. Is it something the dean
but the dean won't let us. We wanna go,
played this the smartest. I think Pierce
He's probably watching Forensic Files and eating popcorn.
Well, about time.
Hey, that's for Luis Guzmán.
my trailer, he can have it back. Well, when you get me
as nice as this one. And make it
Dean? Hey, dean! Hey, dean.
Pierce mistook me for the dean.
I want windows. How did that feel?
I've become a stranger to myself.
I've always been bald. I'm bald now.
I merely dreamt of having hair.
And now the bald man is awake.
Jeff?
It's time.
Lights, camera, dean.
Action.
Why go Greendale? Just because!
Cut. Cut.
Lose the bald cap.
I don't like it. What?
It's hokey, it's fake. Take it off.
No.
I beg your pardon, actor?
I have worn this stupid thing for 12 days.
Well, that's your mistake. I have made bald friends.
Because it's a lie. It's Hollywood crap.
And I won't allow it in my commercial.
You're not bald.
Yes, I am.
you're wrong for the part! Well, then,
Understudy!
That's it.
That's reality.
Winger, you're done. Go home.
I don't know why,
but this is the last straw.
psychology major, As a licensed
I am declaring this production a violation of human rights.
You have made us prisoners of your insanity.
If the dean wants his role Shut your face, Britta.
to be played by a Chinese man in a blond wig…
you are insane. Oh, my God,
of hearing complaints I'm sick and tired
that I'm forcing people to be here.
Anyone who doesn't want to help me can leave!
Abed, stop!
Okay.
Keep rolling.
Hello? Hello.
Hello?
Hello, it's me. Luis Guzmán.
Hi. Hello!
Hi, Mr. Guzmán, Dean/Director Craig Pelton.
Sorry, I've been editing.
It's a little bit of a mess.
What the is that?
Oh, that's a possum.
Once you spend time with them,
you see they're just like big gentle rats.
I'm no one. Who's the guy?
He's a little bit odd. That's Abed.
Now, without further ado,
you will be starring in. here is the commercial
Why do I go Greendale?
What's in the box?
I got to make a phone call.
I had to tell this dean
I couldn't do his commercial.
He didn't take that too well either.
Y'all gotta help this dude. Aren't you his friends?
I'm more of a fly on the wall.
What is go…
What?
in my commercial, You won't be
his stupid documentary? but you'll be in
is follow people. All he does
Hearts of Darkness? Haven't you seen
Way better than… I want you off my campus.
I already got rid of your trailer.
I had a trailer?
Can anyone hear me?
I will walk off this production. I will quit!
Hello?
I come here to shoot this for Greendale.
That's what you had on the script.
I thought it was good. That script was terrible.
Of course you'd think that.
You went here.
Oh, I get it.
You're worse than crazy.
You're ashamed of your school.
And that statue of me, that's just wrong, man.
The bronze adds 10 pounds.
It's not going to be perfect. Nah, man…
I'm just saying, Screw you.
don't worship the people leaving Greendale.
Worship the people that are here.
It changes people's lives. Worship this place.
Look, I loved my time here. I got laid like crazy.
That's way before Boogie Nights too.
a special school. Look, this is
You don't deserve to be here.
Are you still filming, Abed?
Yeah. Try not to address me. I'm not here.
Neither am I.
I don't think I can finish my commercial.
But I think I know how your documentary ends.
of Greendale Community College. Hi, I'm Craig Pelton, dean
I have failed this school.
I have failed it
because I thought I was better than Greendale.
to a university, See, I went
so I thought it was my job to improve this place.
But it turns out the only thing wrong with Greendale
by an insecure wreck is that it's run
and two talent shows a year who holds five dances
the school isn't good enough. because he's afraid that
But Greendale is good enough
because it accepts me for what I'm not.
Greendale is the best school
in the entire world,
what I've done to it. and I'm so sorry
And I'm sorry what I've done to the ice-cream machine.
Please, no one eat out of it until you clean the nozzles.
The janitor knows how.
I'm horrible.
Gentlemen, what I'm about to show you
is not the commercial you paid me to create.
What I am about to show you
is a glimpse into my mind and soul.
Hold your questions until the end.
I know you will have a lot of them,
if you'd rather I just leave. but I'll understand
Why do I go Greendale? The dean is a genius.
To meet different people.
every penny counts. With three kids,
I loved my time here. I got laid like crazy.
Why should you… Why should you…
Why should you go to Greendale?
Greendale is the best school in the entire world.
Go, Greendale, go! Go, Greendale!
Better than good. Good enough. It's good. You know what?
Is there more of the crazy Chinese guy? He pops.
commercial. I didn't make that. I'm confused. That's not my
Yeah, okay, Zemeckis, it moved through you.
Anyway, congratulations.
That should last us another 16 years.
So, uh, what's next?
Chump's Rusty Bucket? Quarter taps.
You did mostly. Did you do this?
You got the footage you needed on the first day.
I added a little bit of mine to fill in the gaps.
I thought you were a fly on the wall.
Some flies are too awesome for the wall.
supposed to be objective Documentarians are
any effect on the story. to avoid having
more effect than anyone Yet we have
because we decide to tell it. And we decide how it ends.
yet another sad one Will your story be
who just wanted to be happy? of yet another man
Or will your story acknowledge the very nature of stories
that sharing the sad ones and embrace
make them happy? can sometimes
Ugh! Before you say anything…
Nope, I've got nothing. Can you just forgive me?
Yep.
Why?
Because we've all been there.
Which is why we're all here.
Aww!
I'm a good dean?
Yeah.
a live possum out of my office? Can someone help me get
We could do that.
jumping and skittering. It just keeps
And you think you're prepared, and then it skitters again.
Okay, scene's over. Hmm?
in 20 minutes, Mr. Garlin. They'll be ready for you
Great.
I'm a star!
Give me that.
I will not be mitigated.
Okay, you know what?
out of this trailer I'm not coming
a new trailer. until I get
And get me a granola bar!