1 00:00:04,144 --> 00:00:05,604 Damn it! 2 00:00:07,230 --> 00:00:10,818 square thing and jiggle it left. Put the teethy wrench on the 3 00:00:18,617 --> 00:00:21,662 square thing is a Hampton bolt Thanks. By the way, that 4 00:00:21,662 --> 00:00:23,413 a Manacheck maneuver. and you described 5 00:00:23,413 --> 00:00:25,666 Hey. Hey, I'm just here for the Tater Tots. 6 00:00:27,208 --> 00:00:29,670 Look, I know you think Wait. 7 00:00:29,670 --> 00:00:32,547 plumbing, and I respect that. you made your mind up about 8 00:00:32,547 --> 00:00:35,342 But come to the third floor men's room tomorrow after 3. 9 00:00:35,342 --> 00:00:38,428 Unclog one toilet and tell me you don't feel something, 10 00:00:38,428 --> 00:00:40,514 bring it up again. and I'll never 11 00:00:40,514 --> 00:00:42,599 All right. One toilet. 12 00:00:42,599 --> 00:00:44,434 If it will get you off my back. 13 00:00:45,226 --> 00:00:46,520 Abed, look. 14 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:47,855 Cool. Stonehenge. 15 00:00:47,855 --> 00:00:49,481 I'm gonna have him sign it. 16 00:00:49,481 --> 00:00:50,941 Excuse me. 17 00:00:50,941 --> 00:00:52,860 Are you Pierce Hawthorne of Hawthorne Wipes? 18 00:00:52,860 --> 00:00:54,111 At your cervix. 19 00:00:54,111 --> 00:00:55,946 I thought you were a lady. Oh, sorry, 20 00:00:55,946 --> 00:00:58,115 You can use that cervix line if you want. 21 00:00:58,115 --> 00:01:00,283 I told you it was him. Mind signing this? 22 00:01:00,283 --> 00:01:02,036 He's a big fan. 23 00:01:05,831 --> 00:01:08,333 Okay, Randall, power down. 24 00:01:10,711 --> 00:01:12,253 What was that about? 25 00:01:12,253 --> 00:01:13,755 Fans of the product, I suppose. 26 00:01:13,755 --> 00:01:16,050 we call them towel-heads. In the wipes business, 27 00:01:16,050 --> 00:01:19,136 a conversation with two gay men I'm impressed you got through 28 00:01:19,136 --> 00:01:20,512 without doing this… 29 00:01:20,512 --> 00:01:23,348 Wait. Those guys were… Mm-hm. 30 00:01:23,348 --> 00:01:25,517 I assumed they were just brothers or wealthy. 31 00:01:25,517 --> 00:01:27,061 Why did they wanted your autograph? 32 00:01:33,025 --> 00:01:35,485 For concealing my penis d d My best device 33 00:01:45,996 --> 00:01:49,249 Oh, my God, Pierce, your moist towelettes are a gay icon. 34 00:01:49,249 --> 00:01:51,710 What do Hawthorne Wipes have to do with the choice to be gay? 35 00:01:51,710 --> 00:01:53,545 according to Wikipedia… Well, 36 00:01:55,130 --> 00:01:57,465 Oh! Oh, my. 37 00:01:57,465 --> 00:02:00,177 Even Bruce Vilanch? Especially Bruce Vilanch. 38 00:02:00,177 --> 00:02:03,346 That is copyright infringement and defamation. 39 00:02:03,346 --> 00:02:05,224 the pants off that lady. I'm gonna sue 40 00:02:05,224 --> 00:02:06,516 I don't think that's a lady. 41 00:02:06,516 --> 00:02:08,518 Why do you want his pants off? Shut up. 42 00:02:08,518 --> 00:02:10,604 I thought he was a lady. Only when 43 00:02:10,604 --> 00:02:13,398 So you were attracted to him. Only thing I'm attracted to 44 00:02:13,398 --> 00:02:16,651 and eating his ass alive. is taking him to court 45 00:02:16,651 --> 00:02:18,112 That's not what I meant. Ooh… 46 00:02:18,112 --> 00:02:19,780 Stop putting gay things in my mouth. 47 00:02:29,957 --> 00:02:33,334 To run out of steam ♪ d Give me the hope 48 00:02:36,630 --> 00:02:40,842 Tied up, dead in a year ♪ d We could be roped up 49 00:02:45,973 --> 00:02:50,351 They all just fade away d d One by one 50 00:02:53,438 --> 00:02:56,108 I hope Pierce doesn't really sue that lady-man singer. 51 00:02:56,108 --> 00:02:59,069 His life must be hard having to sew pouches in his skirts. 52 00:02:59,069 --> 00:03:00,904 Yes, I'm always nice to the gays. 53 00:03:00,904 --> 00:03:02,614 They defy God, but I'd die 54 00:03:02,614 --> 00:03:04,158 a woman touch my hair. before I let 55 00:03:04,158 --> 00:03:07,286 Gay-oh! Hey, what's going on with you bitches? 56 00:03:07,286 --> 00:03:10,371 "Bitches" is gay talk for "friends." 57 00:03:10,371 --> 00:03:13,208 Did you sue Urbana Champaign for his T-shirt? 58 00:03:13,208 --> 00:03:14,918 Not at all, I bought this. 59 00:03:14,918 --> 00:03:17,629 Also, I'm a gay-rights advocate. I'm a fan. 60 00:03:17,629 --> 00:03:21,216 negatized, creating Anti-Pierce. Pierce's positrons have been 61 00:03:21,216 --> 00:03:23,135 Happens on Inspector Spacetime. 62 00:03:23,135 --> 00:03:24,511 Yeah, but Anti-Inspector 63 00:03:24,511 --> 00:03:26,972 and was kind of rape-y. had a funny mustache 64 00:03:26,972 --> 00:03:29,224 Don't think his positrons have been negatized. 65 00:03:29,224 --> 00:03:30,684 Constable Reggie said. Exactly what 66 00:03:30,684 --> 00:03:33,103 No, I thought about it, and I decided 67 00:03:33,103 --> 00:03:36,898 a man should not be judged by what he does with a man's butt. 68 00:03:36,898 --> 00:03:39,026 Since that song came out, Here's the kick. 69 00:03:39,026 --> 00:03:41,402 Hawthorne Wipes sales went up 7 percent. 70 00:03:41,402 --> 00:03:43,071 And it's good. Yep. 71 00:03:43,071 --> 00:03:46,908 a design for a new product line. Had my own people mock up 72 00:03:46,908 --> 00:03:48,327 Hawthorne Pride Wipes. 73 00:03:48,327 --> 00:03:50,453 They may cost more, but they're gayer. 74 00:03:50,453 --> 00:03:52,664 these little babies I'm gonna launch 75 00:03:52,664 --> 00:03:54,499 at a big party here at Greendale. 76 00:03:54,499 --> 00:03:55,834 Ooh. Here's a flyer. 77 00:03:57,044 --> 00:03:59,880 first annual gay bash." "Greendale's 78 00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:03,050 meeting the minimum requirements Pierce, congratulations on 79 00:04:03,050 --> 00:04:04,759 for open-mindedness. 80 00:04:04,759 --> 00:04:08,138 Yeah, I'm really proud of you. You're growing as a person. 81 00:04:08,138 --> 00:04:11,099 He's not supporting gay people, they're supporting him. 82 00:04:11,099 --> 00:04:13,935 he'd have ridden in on a donkey. If Mexicans were buying, 83 00:04:13,935 --> 00:04:16,771 People earning respect with money is the American way. 84 00:04:16,771 --> 00:04:18,773 Not that my father would've agreed. 85 00:04:18,773 --> 00:04:22,277 It took a federal injunction to get him to sell to the Italians. 86 00:04:22,277 --> 00:04:24,654 I see what's going on. In my psych class, 87 00:04:24,654 --> 00:04:27,199 the Edible Complex. I'm learning about 88 00:04:27,199 --> 00:04:29,076 Men have to kill their fathers, 89 00:04:29,076 --> 00:04:30,785 so they can do something to their mothers. 90 00:04:30,785 --> 00:04:32,453 I haven't finished the chapter. 91 00:04:32,453 --> 00:04:35,207 you're wrong about everything? What's that complex where 92 00:04:35,207 --> 00:04:38,126 Ha. Sarcasm from the man with the mother of all daddy issues. 93 00:04:38,126 --> 00:04:39,711 Whoa, double diagnosis. 94 00:04:39,711 --> 00:04:42,089 those poor real doctors. Save some for all 95 00:04:42,089 --> 00:04:43,798 What type of cookies do you want? 96 00:04:43,798 --> 00:04:46,093 We have peanut butter or chocolate chip. 97 00:04:46,093 --> 00:04:47,427 Rainbow, bitches. 98 00:04:48,762 --> 00:04:50,889 We can have peanut butter or chocolate chip. 99 00:04:56,603 --> 00:04:58,897 It's pretty great. Well? 100 00:05:02,276 --> 00:05:04,694 Tight seal, good flow. 101 00:05:04,694 --> 00:05:05,946 Kid's pretty handy. 102 00:05:05,946 --> 00:05:07,781 You get the hell out of here! 103 00:05:07,781 --> 00:05:09,157 Go on! 104 00:05:13,995 --> 00:05:16,415 Who was that? You listen to me. 105 00:05:16,415 --> 00:05:18,375 What you have is a gift. 106 00:05:18,375 --> 00:05:21,669 to take advantage of that gift. And some people are gonna try 107 00:05:21,669 --> 00:05:24,256 All right. I promise. Promise you'll use it for good. 108 00:05:24,256 --> 00:05:27,134 Good. Now, come with me to the second floor. 109 00:05:27,134 --> 00:05:28,593 Somebody pooped in the sink. 110 00:05:32,639 --> 00:05:34,599 have a lot in common. We actually 111 00:05:34,599 --> 00:05:37,227 we hate baggy pants… We hate lesbians, 112 00:05:37,227 --> 00:05:39,520 I can't believe you guys are all Bears fans. 113 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:41,398 Randall. Super fans. 114 00:05:41,398 --> 00:05:44,901 Somebody take a picture. Come on, photo of this. 115 00:05:44,901 --> 00:05:46,320 Okay, let's take a silly one. 116 00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:48,487 All right. Okay, okay. 117 00:05:50,198 --> 00:05:52,451 Piercinald Anastasia Hawthorne. 118 00:05:54,161 --> 00:05:55,203 Father. 119 00:05:58,290 --> 00:06:01,001 We need to talk, boy. 120 00:06:11,970 --> 00:06:13,638 Um… 121 00:06:15,432 --> 00:06:17,600 Gentlemen. 122 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:20,979 have been selected as candidates You are here because you 123 00:06:20,979 --> 00:06:24,523 Conditioning Repair School. for the Greendale Air 124 00:06:25,692 --> 00:06:27,319 But why kidnap you? 125 00:06:27,319 --> 00:06:29,654 Why put a sack over your head 126 00:06:29,654 --> 00:06:32,032 in the middle of the night? and drag you here 127 00:06:32,032 --> 00:06:36,077 in the corner making paninis? Why is there an astronaut 128 00:06:36,077 --> 00:06:39,039 Simple, we don't want you to tell anyone about this. 129 00:06:39,039 --> 00:06:42,501 And if you do, we don't want them believing you. 130 00:06:42,501 --> 00:06:45,253 Isn't that right, Black Hitler? 131 00:06:45,253 --> 00:06:46,838 Your initiation 132 00:06:46,838 --> 00:06:48,673 begins 133 00:06:48,673 --> 00:06:50,175 now, gentlemen. 134 00:06:51,259 --> 00:06:53,011 I'm looking for Troy. Hey, guys, 135 00:06:53,011 --> 00:06:55,763 but couldn't say where he is. He said he's fine, 136 00:06:55,763 --> 00:06:57,682 he's been kidnapped? Do you think 137 00:06:57,682 --> 00:06:59,142 Usually one of the parents, 138 00:06:59,142 --> 00:07:01,436 and almost always ends in murder-suicide. 139 00:07:01,436 --> 00:07:03,646 Why are you smiling? I'm smiling? 140 00:07:03,646 --> 00:07:06,191 If you see him, tell him Jerry's looking for him. 141 00:07:06,191 --> 00:07:08,485 Jeff, what're you gonna wear to Pierce's party? 142 00:07:08,485 --> 00:07:10,195 Ooh. They'll love that. Nothing. 143 00:07:10,195 --> 00:07:11,863 Ha, ha. I mean, I'm not going, 144 00:07:11,863 --> 00:07:13,823 you're supporting it. and I can't believe 145 00:07:13,823 --> 00:07:17,618 Everybody, this is my father, Cornelius Hawthorne. 146 00:07:17,618 --> 00:07:19,620 Oh. I always assumed your father was dead. 147 00:07:19,620 --> 00:07:20,830 Just mathematically. 148 00:07:20,830 --> 00:07:22,790 Mom liked to pretend that was the case. 149 00:07:22,790 --> 00:07:24,709 These your friends, Pierce? Hello. 150 00:07:24,709 --> 00:07:29,089 Minorities, Jewesses, and the unseasonably tan? 151 00:07:29,089 --> 00:07:30,715 That is inappropriate. 152 00:07:30,715 --> 00:07:34,052 more weight since I'm white. And maybe you'll give that 153 00:07:34,052 --> 00:07:36,888 You've got a wide brow. What are you, Scandinavian? 154 00:07:36,888 --> 00:07:38,515 Yeah, Swedish. 155 00:07:38,515 --> 00:07:40,683 Your blood is tainted Swedish dogs. 156 00:07:40,683 --> 00:07:43,478 by generations of race-mixing with Laplanders. 157 00:07:43,478 --> 00:07:45,439 You're basically Finns. 158 00:07:45,439 --> 00:07:47,566 he's like the Abed of racism. Goodness, 159 00:07:47,566 --> 00:07:50,193 what's going on with your hair? Since no one's asking, 160 00:07:50,193 --> 00:07:51,986 Ordinary toupee hair is harvested 161 00:07:51,986 --> 00:07:53,947 from heads of the godless Oriental. 162 00:07:53,947 --> 00:07:55,574 Solid ivory is the only way 163 00:07:55,574 --> 00:07:57,825 to be assured of true follicular purity 164 00:07:57,825 --> 00:08:00,370 while identifying myself as a man of means. 165 00:08:00,370 --> 00:08:04,207 I can excuse racism, but I draw the line at animal cruelty. 166 00:08:04,207 --> 00:08:06,667 What brings you here? You excuse racism? 167 00:08:06,667 --> 00:08:08,545 It's not for your son's party. 168 00:08:08,545 --> 00:08:11,339 Unless "segregationist mummy" is a gay fetish. 169 00:08:11,339 --> 00:08:15,676 with my father, the party's off, Actually, after discussing it 170 00:08:15,676 --> 00:08:17,596 and we're canceling Pride Wipes. 171 00:08:17,596 --> 00:08:20,432 Stand up straight when talking to the lower classes. 172 00:08:20,432 --> 00:08:23,935 Now, excuse me, I need to go find a half-decent ivory buffer 173 00:08:23,935 --> 00:08:26,646 in this two-horse town. 174 00:08:28,315 --> 00:08:31,359 Oh, the party's canceled? I bought a cone bra. 175 00:08:31,359 --> 00:08:32,944 Piercinald, please tell me 176 00:08:32,944 --> 00:08:35,071 because of your father. you did not cancel 177 00:08:35,071 --> 00:08:38,658 It's a business decision, Jeff. I took a look at the numbers, 178 00:08:38,658 --> 00:08:41,828 had someone explain them, and this is the way we're going. 179 00:08:41,828 --> 00:08:45,373 You said Pierce's idea was dumb. Before it was oppressed by… 180 00:08:45,373 --> 00:08:46,791 A father? A homophobe. 181 00:08:46,791 --> 00:08:48,209 This isn't about fathers. 182 00:08:48,209 --> 00:08:50,378 a long-suffering community This is about 183 00:08:50,378 --> 00:08:51,796 with constitutional right 184 00:08:51,796 --> 00:08:53,840 and whatever they want. to wipe whoever 185 00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:57,218 If you like gay people so much, why don't you marry them? 186 00:08:57,218 --> 00:08:58,678 This is so Edible. 187 00:08:58,678 --> 00:09:00,847 a terrible therapist. Britta, you'll make 188 00:09:00,847 --> 00:09:03,600 If you need to talk to someone, I don't recommend you. 189 00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:05,393 That how your dad talked to your mom? 190 00:09:05,393 --> 00:09:06,645 he talked to yours. That's how 191 00:09:06,645 --> 00:09:07,728 How does that make you feel? 192 00:09:07,728 --> 00:09:09,189 Shut up. 193 00:09:15,820 --> 00:09:18,448 Oh. Jeffrey! 194 00:09:18,448 --> 00:09:21,868 Ah. I was sad when Pierce said he was canceling the party. 195 00:09:21,868 --> 00:09:24,037 you said it was back on. I was so happy when 196 00:09:24,037 --> 00:09:25,497 Yeah, he's busy with his dad, 197 00:09:25,497 --> 00:09:27,790 but I knew how much it meant to him. 198 00:09:27,790 --> 00:09:29,501 I throw a pretty gay party, huh? 199 00:09:29,501 --> 00:09:32,170 Yeah, it's great, if you're into that kind of thing. 200 00:09:32,170 --> 00:09:33,338 Time to mingle. 201 00:09:35,173 --> 00:09:36,757 What the hell is this? 202 00:09:36,757 --> 00:09:38,926 courtesy of Hawthorne Wipes. Gay bash, 203 00:09:38,926 --> 00:09:41,137 And I uncanceled it. I canceled this. 204 00:09:41,137 --> 00:09:42,556 My dad's gonna disown me. 205 00:09:42,556 --> 00:09:44,807 Oh, no, you'll be free of him forever. 206 00:09:44,807 --> 00:09:46,976 You'll never have to cower at his voice, 207 00:09:46,976 --> 00:09:49,229 or shudder when you see an elephant. 208 00:09:49,229 --> 00:09:50,689 You're welcome, Pierce. 209 00:09:50,689 --> 00:09:52,899 I did what you never had the guts to do. 210 00:09:52,899 --> 00:09:55,318 You resent my father Britta was right. 211 00:09:55,318 --> 00:09:57,195 problems with your own. because you've got 212 00:09:57,195 --> 00:09:58,488 After "Britta was right," 213 00:09:58,488 --> 00:10:00,031 everything you said sounded like a fog horn. 214 00:10:00,031 --> 00:10:02,450 Then have your big gay party. 215 00:10:02,450 --> 00:10:03,910 I'm out of here. 216 00:10:03,910 --> 00:10:05,286 Pierce, have one drink. 217 00:10:05,286 --> 00:10:07,163 You're gonna wanna see the guest of honor. 218 00:10:07,163 --> 00:10:09,123 Pull the cord, fellas. 219 00:10:09,123 --> 00:10:12,419 Pierce, Pierce, Pierce! 220 00:10:15,129 --> 00:10:17,173 Well, maybe just one drink. 221 00:10:24,138 --> 00:10:25,765 Done. 222 00:10:29,519 --> 00:10:31,521 Mr. Barnes, 223 00:10:31,521 --> 00:10:33,147 walk with me. 224 00:10:33,147 --> 00:10:35,149 air-conditioning repair Mr. Barnes, 225 00:10:35,149 --> 00:10:36,901 is an elite worldwide family 226 00:10:36,901 --> 00:10:39,696 dating back to the very beginnings of civilizations. 227 00:10:39,696 --> 00:10:41,573 Our predecessors were slaves, 228 00:10:41,573 --> 00:10:43,617 fanning the pharaohs with palm fronds. 229 00:10:43,617 --> 00:10:45,619 Over time, we became expert 230 00:10:45,619 --> 00:10:47,537 at making our superiors comfortable. 231 00:10:47,537 --> 00:10:50,707 We made it our business, and along the way, 232 00:10:50,707 --> 00:10:54,043 to make ourselves comfortable. we learned 233 00:10:54,043 --> 00:10:56,129 No more palm fronds, Troy. 234 00:10:57,130 --> 00:11:00,049 Now we are the pharaohs. 235 00:11:01,301 --> 00:11:03,844 Breathprint approved. 236 00:11:11,311 --> 00:11:13,104 Feel that? 237 00:11:13,104 --> 00:11:15,982 Precisely. Actually, I don't feel… 238 00:11:15,982 --> 00:11:18,485 Have you heard the expression "room temperature"? 239 00:11:18,485 --> 00:11:21,446 This is the room. Of course. 240 00:11:21,446 --> 00:11:24,198 This is the room temperature room. 241 00:11:28,703 --> 00:11:32,457 I can't tell where the air ends and my skin begins. 242 00:11:33,958 --> 00:11:36,210 That's what we do, Troy. It's incredible. 243 00:11:36,210 --> 00:11:39,130 Incredible, invisible, inbelievable things. 244 00:11:39,130 --> 00:11:40,799 We're an unseen, unknown, 245 00:11:40,799 --> 00:11:42,925 unvincible fraternity of craftsmen. 246 00:11:42,925 --> 00:11:47,388 Graduates of this school are guaranteed lucrative employment 247 00:11:47,388 --> 00:11:49,015 for their entire lives. 248 00:11:49,015 --> 00:11:52,769 And I'm inviting you to join us. 249 00:11:52,769 --> 00:11:57,691 Will there always be paninis? There is one catch, Troy. 250 00:11:57,691 --> 00:12:00,193 Once you're in, 251 00:12:00,193 --> 00:12:01,944 you're in. 252 00:12:01,944 --> 00:12:04,447 Air-conditioning repair will be your life. 253 00:12:04,447 --> 00:12:08,618 A life of secrets you'll be unable to share with outsiders. 254 00:12:08,618 --> 00:12:12,372 air-conditioning repairman You will be an 255 00:12:12,372 --> 00:12:14,749 and nothing else 256 00:12:14,749 --> 00:12:17,460 until the day you die. 257 00:12:20,004 --> 00:12:22,590 I don't expect you to make a decision now. 258 00:12:25,092 --> 00:12:27,345 Take 24 hours. 259 00:12:27,345 --> 00:12:30,056 Breathprint approved. Cool. 260 00:12:30,056 --> 00:12:33,017 I can't feel my pants. 261 00:12:34,811 --> 00:12:37,772 Go, Pierce. Go, Pierce. It's your birthday. 262 00:12:37,772 --> 00:12:41,192 Congratulations. You got Pierce to symbolically kill his father 263 00:12:41,192 --> 00:12:42,901 by dancing to club music. 264 00:12:42,901 --> 00:12:44,779 You should be happy about this. 265 00:12:44,779 --> 00:12:46,989 Pierce is becoming more tolerant, 266 00:12:46,989 --> 00:12:48,867 and it has nothing to do with his father. 267 00:12:48,867 --> 00:12:50,243 Look at me now, Dad. 268 00:12:50,243 --> 00:12:51,910 Yeah, look at me now, Dad. 269 00:12:51,910 --> 00:12:53,454 Look at me now, Dad. 270 00:12:53,454 --> 00:12:56,374 Look at me now, Dad. Look at me now, Dad. 271 00:12:56,374 --> 00:12:58,501 Hey. Where you been? Not allowed to say. 272 00:12:58,501 --> 00:12:59,960 Are you Superman? No. 273 00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,212 Would you tell me if you were? 274 00:13:01,212 --> 00:13:03,423 why he cared who knew. I never understood 275 00:13:03,423 --> 00:13:05,508 This is the hottest party we've ever had. 276 00:13:05,508 --> 00:13:06,843 It's pretty dope. 277 00:13:06,843 --> 00:13:08,803 it's dangerously hot. No, I mean, 278 00:13:08,803 --> 00:13:10,096 Our air-conditioning system 279 00:13:10,096 --> 00:13:12,306 for this gay a party. wasn't built 280 00:13:12,306 --> 00:13:13,974 I'll take a look. 281 00:13:13,974 --> 00:13:16,352 Tron? What's Tron? 282 00:13:19,397 --> 00:13:21,023 Ooh! 283 00:13:21,023 --> 00:13:23,443 a real sausage fest. Man, this party's 284 00:13:24,861 --> 00:13:27,154 I knew it. Knew what? 285 00:13:27,154 --> 00:13:28,573 Don't play dumb with me. 286 00:13:28,573 --> 00:13:30,784 Did they promise you the life of your dreams? 287 00:13:30,784 --> 00:13:33,369 You can have that as a plumber too, without pretense. 288 00:13:33,369 --> 00:13:36,122 They're elitist. Why do you hate them so much? 289 00:13:36,122 --> 00:13:38,792 They make everybody think that they're special. 290 00:13:38,792 --> 00:13:40,752 Because the truth is they're not. 291 00:13:40,752 --> 00:13:43,962 I have a gift. I'm special. I'm not a loser like you. 292 00:13:43,962 --> 00:13:46,507 I'm gonna eat spaceman paninis with Black Hitler 293 00:13:46,507 --> 00:13:49,176 you can do about it! and there's nothing 294 00:13:51,638 --> 00:13:53,514 Wow, you seem to be enjoying yourself. 295 00:13:53,514 --> 00:13:56,935 I've gotta say, I don't know why the word "gay" means "dumb." 296 00:13:56,935 --> 00:13:58,728 These guys are all right in my book. 297 00:13:58,728 --> 00:14:02,398 Pierce Hawthorne, get your fine, gay-loving ass up here 298 00:14:02,398 --> 00:14:04,901 and say something to your fans. Come on! 299 00:14:07,612 --> 00:14:10,323 will you keep it a secret? If I tell you something, 300 00:14:10,323 --> 00:14:12,951 Secret handshake. Secret. 301 00:14:12,951 --> 00:14:14,452 I said I can't talk to you 302 00:14:14,452 --> 00:14:16,412 but I can talk to myself. about what's going on, 303 00:14:16,412 --> 00:14:17,956 Can you pretend to be me? 304 00:14:17,956 --> 00:14:19,791 I like football, but also I don't. 305 00:14:19,791 --> 00:14:22,418 air conditioning and plumbing. I can't choose between 306 00:14:22,418 --> 00:14:24,629 I know, it's so hard, right? Let's ask Abed. 307 00:14:24,629 --> 00:14:26,005 Now you be me. 308 00:14:26,005 --> 00:14:27,256 What should I do? 309 00:14:27,256 --> 00:14:29,175 but Harrison Ford might. I don't know, 310 00:14:29,175 --> 00:14:30,718 Don't get cocky, kid. 311 00:14:30,718 --> 00:14:32,637 Abed, tell me what to do. This isn't working. 312 00:14:32,637 --> 00:14:35,181 Plumbing and air conditioning seem identical. 313 00:14:35,181 --> 00:14:37,934 They're not. They couldn't be more or less identical. 314 00:14:37,934 --> 00:14:39,936 Well, what do you feel like doing? 315 00:14:39,936 --> 00:14:42,355 Honestly, I feel like watching TV with you. 316 00:14:42,355 --> 00:14:43,773 They're making me choose. 317 00:14:43,773 --> 00:14:46,108 it could screw up my life. If I choose wrong, 318 00:14:46,108 --> 00:14:48,945 If you have to, go with whatever makes you the happiest. 319 00:14:48,945 --> 00:14:50,947 They're virtually the same thing. 320 00:14:50,947 --> 00:14:52,657 what I need to do. I think I know 321 00:14:52,657 --> 00:14:54,074 Don't get cocky, kid. 322 00:14:54,074 --> 00:14:56,494 All right, bitches! 323 00:14:56,494 --> 00:15:00,957 this whole thing… I just wanna say 324 00:15:03,543 --> 00:15:06,086 …was a huge mistake. 325 00:15:06,086 --> 00:15:09,507 Uh, Hawthorne Wipes is officially 326 00:15:09,507 --> 00:15:11,551 to the gay community. severing its ties 327 00:15:11,551 --> 00:15:13,720 Effective immediately, What? 328 00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:17,139 a straights-only product. it will return to being 329 00:15:29,443 --> 00:15:31,738 Fake heart attack. 330 00:15:31,738 --> 00:15:33,614 everything he knows. I taught him 331 00:15:33,614 --> 00:15:37,201 So how long you guys been on the force? 332 00:15:39,662 --> 00:15:42,623 Pierce, what the hell was that? 333 00:15:42,623 --> 00:15:44,208 That was my boy. That was… 334 00:15:44,208 --> 00:15:46,836 Standing up for good old Hawthorne values. 335 00:15:46,836 --> 00:15:49,213 All due respect, sir, zero respect for you. 336 00:15:49,213 --> 00:15:52,091 Typical Welsh nonsense. But, Father, I… 337 00:15:52,091 --> 00:15:54,677 Wanna be like this guy? He's wearing elephant bones. 338 00:15:54,677 --> 00:15:57,597 He will be what I tell him to be because I am his father. 339 00:15:59,599 --> 00:16:02,936 Listen up, Colonel Cryptkeeper. I could live a million years 340 00:16:02,936 --> 00:16:05,605 and spend every minute doing important things. 341 00:16:05,605 --> 00:16:08,315 At the end of it, I would've only lived half a life 342 00:16:08,315 --> 00:16:10,026 if I had not raised a son. 343 00:16:10,026 --> 00:16:12,904 This was a gift handed to you. You squandered it. 344 00:16:12,904 --> 00:16:14,864 You have hatred in your heart 345 00:16:14,864 --> 00:16:16,490 because you're trying to fill a hole 346 00:16:16,490 --> 00:16:19,285 where your kid was supposed to go. Now it's too late. 347 00:16:19,285 --> 00:16:22,246 Now you're just stomping around trying to prove you exist. 348 00:16:22,246 --> 00:16:24,498 Well, mission accomplished. 349 00:16:24,498 --> 00:16:27,334 But here's a question I'd like to pass on to you 350 00:16:27,334 --> 00:16:30,588 from every son of every crap dad that ever lived. 351 00:16:30,588 --> 00:16:33,049 So what? 352 00:16:34,675 --> 00:16:36,469 I'm done with you. 353 00:16:36,469 --> 00:16:38,054 He's done with you. 354 00:16:38,054 --> 00:16:40,431 The world is done with you. 355 00:16:47,897 --> 00:16:51,567 Come on in. He's a Hawthorne. This is what they do. 356 00:16:51,567 --> 00:16:53,152 He's faking. 357 00:17:03,913 --> 00:17:05,706 Pierce, listen, I just wanna say… 358 00:17:05,706 --> 00:17:07,625 that the Canadian mallard Did you know 359 00:17:07,625 --> 00:17:10,670 is the only fowl that bites his father's head off? 360 00:17:10,670 --> 00:17:12,964 That is definitely not true. I don't know. 361 00:17:12,964 --> 00:17:15,466 on the Wikipedia. I looked it up 362 00:17:16,717 --> 00:17:19,261 Pierce, um, 363 00:17:19,261 --> 00:17:23,182 I just wanna say, you know, 364 00:17:23,182 --> 00:17:25,143 sorry for killing your dad. 365 00:17:25,143 --> 00:17:26,268 Don't blame yourself. 366 00:17:26,268 --> 00:17:27,770 a lot of his organs He bought 367 00:17:27,770 --> 00:17:29,355 from questionable sources. 368 00:17:29,355 --> 00:17:31,315 he wanted you to have this. Oh, here, 369 00:17:31,315 --> 00:17:33,400 you should take it. No, Pierce, 370 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:35,820 Believe me, I'd love it. But terms of his will 371 00:17:35,820 --> 00:17:38,447 kills him gets to keep it. state that whoever 372 00:17:44,912 --> 00:17:46,455 Well, I guess I'm up. 373 00:17:54,296 --> 00:17:56,799 "Father, I'll never forget what you said to me 374 00:17:56,799 --> 00:17:59,259 on my first day of school: 375 00:17:59,259 --> 00:18:02,221 'Comb your hair, you idiot. You look Greek.' 376 00:18:02,221 --> 00:18:04,431 I'll never know if that's true, 377 00:18:04,431 --> 00:18:08,602 scared to stand up for myself. but I do know that I was too 378 00:18:08,602 --> 00:18:11,898 Well, I'm not scared of you anymore because you're dead, 379 00:18:11,898 --> 00:18:13,816 and I'm not. 380 00:18:13,816 --> 00:18:15,860 So I win." 381 00:18:16,903 --> 00:18:18,738 And you can suck it. 382 00:18:18,738 --> 00:18:21,991 Dude just told his dead dad to suck it. 383 00:18:21,991 --> 00:18:24,451 You're the worst. So Edible. 384 00:18:44,180 --> 00:18:46,390 Your 24 hours has expired. 385 00:18:46,390 --> 00:18:47,683 I need an answer, Troy. 386 00:18:47,683 --> 00:18:49,476 Are you ready to join the elite brotherhood 387 00:18:49,476 --> 00:18:51,104 air conditioners? of guys who fix 388 00:18:51,104 --> 00:18:52,980 Vice Dean Laybourne. I'm sorry, 389 00:18:52,980 --> 00:18:55,858 But I realize no one's better than anyone else. 390 00:18:55,858 --> 00:18:58,694 are better at sports I mean, some people 391 00:18:58,694 --> 00:19:00,238 and there are magicians, 392 00:19:00,238 --> 00:19:03,616 but I was put on this earth to do something else. 393 00:19:03,616 --> 00:19:05,492 So you're going to be what? 394 00:19:05,492 --> 00:19:06,786 A plumber? 395 00:19:06,786 --> 00:19:09,747 No, I'm not gonna be a plumber either. 396 00:19:09,747 --> 00:19:12,291 to deal with poop. Because they have 397 00:19:12,291 --> 00:19:15,211 to watch TV with my friend. My decision for now is 398 00:19:15,211 --> 00:19:17,046 You're making a huge mistake. 399 00:19:17,046 --> 00:19:20,424 But at least it's my mistake. That may be, sir. 400 00:19:20,424 --> 00:19:22,176 Doesn't change the fact it's a mistake. 401 00:19:22,176 --> 00:19:23,677 Doesn't it? 402 00:19:24,344 --> 00:19:25,763 No, it doesn't. 403 00:19:34,897 --> 00:19:37,775 Sir, there was a malfunction in the cafeteria last night. 404 00:19:37,775 --> 00:19:41,654 The Amana 5000 had a compound coil fracture. 405 00:19:41,654 --> 00:19:43,114 But it was fixed. 406 00:19:43,114 --> 00:19:45,324 Heh, heh, heh, very funny. 407 00:19:45,324 --> 00:19:49,245 Not even I can fix a compound coil fracture overnight. 408 00:19:50,746 --> 00:19:52,039 But he can. 409 00:19:52,039 --> 00:19:54,667 Constable Reggie. Inspector Spacetime. 410 00:19:55,876 --> 00:19:58,921 This isn't over, Troy Barnes. 411 00:19:58,921 --> 00:20:01,174 It's only just begun. 412 00:20:02,091 --> 00:20:03,383 You know what? I was wrong. 413 00:20:03,383 --> 00:20:05,427 a very good therapist. You'll make 414 00:20:05,427 --> 00:20:06,971 And why is that? 415 00:20:06,971 --> 00:20:09,598 in that whole oedipal thing. You really nailed Pierce 416 00:20:09,598 --> 00:20:11,725 serious father issues. The guy's got 417 00:20:11,725 --> 00:20:14,687 Don't you think you may have some oedipal issues as well? 418 00:20:14,687 --> 00:20:17,815 You literally killed a father. Not seeing the connection. 419 00:20:17,815 --> 00:20:19,192 Yeah, well, not mine, dummy. 420 00:20:19,192 --> 00:20:20,901 Wow. 421 00:20:25,781 --> 00:20:28,408 You going home alone? Hey, Winger. 422 00:20:28,408 --> 00:20:29,493 Gay! 423 00:20:33,622 --> 00:20:35,833 Constable Reggie. That was close, 424 00:20:35,833 --> 00:20:38,002 had us dead to rights. Those Blorgons 425 00:20:38,002 --> 00:20:40,546 What on Beta-Earth do they want from us? 426 00:20:40,546 --> 00:20:43,716 The question's not what they want from us, but when. 427 00:20:43,716 --> 00:20:46,219 Inspector, look out! Blorgons! 428 00:20:46,219 --> 00:20:50,806 Eradicate! Eradicate! Eradicate! 429 00:20:50,806 --> 00:20:52,516 Pew, pew, pew. Unh. 430 00:20:52,516 --> 00:20:54,643 Take that, Blorgon scum. 431 00:20:54,643 --> 00:20:56,020 How old are you guys? 432 00:20:56,020 --> 00:20:58,480 The question isn't how old we are, 433 00:20:58,480 --> 00:21:01,234 but when old we are. Ah. 434 00:21:02,902 --> 00:21:05,112 In your face, Blorgon twit. 435 00:21:05,112 --> 00:21:08,574 Pew. Pew, pew, pew. 436 00:21:10,868 --> 00:21:13,246 'Sup, girl? 437 00:21:13,246 --> 00:21:15,831 How you living? Pew.