the dumbest dean…
blow-off class: anthropology. And the ultimate
Who knew?
Cheers. Yeah.
Hey, Shirley. Hm?
You're not drinking. Someone is cruising for an A-minus.
I'm with child. Oh, no, no,
If it's my child, it's okay to have a drink or two.
Chang babies love the sauce, you know?
Alcohol and duck.
Zoink.
This is not your child, Chang. It's Andre's.
Because I don't see any locusts. How do you know?
Besides, a woman knows these things.
Women have a connectedness to their bodies
never understand. that you would
You have a booger.
it's part of me. I know,
Hey, can we please do the exam?
Question number two:
that this class is fake? How awesome is it
Yeah!
Here is to never telling the dean.
Cheers. Yeah.
Hi.
And that is what Jews do at weddings.
Anthropology. L'Chaim!
To run out of steam ♪ d Give me the hope
Tied up dead in a year ♪ d We could be roped up
Professor Duncan, class, this is Mr. Jacobson.
piece on me for Dean Magazine. He's a writer who's doing a
I know, right?
Keep taking your exam.
Don't let my presence distract you.
I'm sort of a father figure to the kids around here
for my outside-the-box approach to education.
You know, like that film, Children of the Corn.
Uh, professor. What?
Proceed. Yes.
The anthropology final.
Do you know what?
I have left the exam paper in my office,
but it is a real doozy.
There is an interactive element, a performance component,
and I don't wanna tip it,
but there may be a lump of clay coming to everyone in the room.
So toodle-loo. Cheerio.
This is a real college. Wowee.
So after this, we should check out the World Food Festival
in the parking lot.
No way.
different nationalities of food. There are lunch trucks with 18
Not different, equal. You know what?
Equal to whites. You know what? Better than whites.
Oh, I think that sounds like an awesome thing
to do immediately.
Dean Magazine would love it. I bet the reader of
Mm. Yeah.
I'd like to stay here I'm good.
this unorthodox exam. and check out
Shirley, you okay? Oh…
Just a little indigestion. Uh-huh.
I've been having it all morning.
it isn't a contraction? Are you sure
too early for any of that. No, no. It's way
came right on schedule. My other two
Maybe even a little late.
Jordan was in here so long,
with a driver's license. he came out
That's not true. Ooh. I'm kidding.
are always premature. Chang babies
We gestate fast because we're better at obtaining nutrients.
Some need only eight months,
of the mother they eat. depending on how much
Oh… Uh…
full of chemicals. Shirley, that is
I wouldn't expose your baby to that.
Actually, my doctor said antacid is safe to take.
for that study: big antacid? Let me guess who paid
a eucalyptus root Shirley, chew on
and, I know it sounds gross, pig saliva.
ingredient as antacid. It's the same active
with a fancy name. They dress it up
How dare they? Wanna see a movie today?
Word. Cool.
why do you do that? Hey, guys,
Do what?
It's cool. How?
I don't know. It just is.
Let me in to the handshake. Well, let me in.
I'll give you $1000.
Indecent Proposal. Indecent Proposal.
Demi. Woody.
Nice.
gonna fall in love? You two
No. No. I don't know. Tsh.
So have you considered natural childbirth?
I'll take whatever they got. Are you kidding me?
Epidural is a proper Christian woman's
only chance to get wrecked. But from what I'm told,
the real high is the endorphin rush of a chemical-free birth.
I read an article that said
actually achieve or… some women can
Uh, uh… No, no, no.
for the conversation. Thank you
what you're talking about. I know
That's not something a woman does on her child's head.
Listen, backseat birther, But…
on her third kid. Shirley's
She doesn't need a slacker with two one-eyed cats
First of all, governing her body.
my cats can do anything. together,
yourself from this conversation Second, you disqualified
the moment you decided to grow a wang.
I feel sorry for the airhead I regret nothing.
you're gonna knock up at 70.
You're gonna be sitting in the waiting room
playing solitaire while a life is created 10 feet from you.
Oh, and you're gonna squat in a babbling brook
and a beautiful star child is gonna slide out
on a ray of sunshine
while your cats each half watch, because you're so natural.
Okay. Oh, boy. Okay. Oh, boy.
Can someone please get every mop on campus?
Um… Did you break water? Is that broken water?
That's broken water!
Chang baby!
Just nice and easy. Careful.
Oh, Father, God Almighty, this isn't happening.
It's too soon.
I don't want my baby's first memory to be Star-Burns.
this is not a big deal. Oh, goodness. Okay,
it is a big deal. Wait, I mean,
It's just not a big bad deal, it's a big good deal.
everyone's attention… If I could have
We'd like not to have your attention.
Okay, give me your attention. This student is having a baby.
What am I talking about? You already know.
Okay, here's what it is.
I'm gonna pull around the back I'm gonna go get my Prius,
and I'm gonna drive her to the hospital.
which is pretty cool. I drive a Prius,
Dean, go! Dean gone.
He's "Sugar Boots" in my phone. Can you please call Andre?
That hurts, Shirley.
because I am here for you. Oh, I'll get it,
We came so close
that wasn't all about them. to having one class
that trip on St. Patrick's Day? Remember when they took
God, that was a good week.
This has got to be a Chang baby.
born in hospitals. Changs are never
More like taxicabs, hardware stores,
bank lines, sewers.
was born on a treadmill My nephew Jin
at Bally Total Fitness.
Twenty-percent incline.
Sugar Boots says he'll meet us at the hospital.
Good! Now, can somebody do something about him?
I'm saying, nobody needs to freak out.
A Chang is hearty to the core.
We always come out healthy.
there's a billion of us. That's why
Ever try Googling me? Can't be done.
Ben, you have to stop freaking her out.
Hey, show me some respect.
I might be that child's estranged father.
What? Well, what's it gonna be?
your handshake. We have a deal? I wanna buy the rights to
Shirley to the hospital. We're about to take
This is not the time.
Oh, it's the time.
According to my watch, it's 1000 o'clock.
Deal. Great.
So how does it work?
I don't know, we just do it
when one of us says something awesome.
All right.
Betty Grable.
I said, "Betty Grable."
No. Yes.
No. Do it.
Make your money, whore.
Who's Betty Grable?
Yeah, that's the stuff.
Try to take deep breaths and relax.
Where is the dean?
everything's wet. Oh, my God,
Ugh. Oh, That's okay. Ooh.
because it is natural. That's okay
It's natural.
Are you uncomfortable, Britta?
Ooh! You wish.
Four hundred, 500. Okay.
It's like a million bucks in dog dollars.
Word.
Something's off. What happened?
candy from a baby. It's like buying
What did you do? You ruined it.
Give him back the money.
doesn't matter anymore. No, no, no, the money
Once you've sold something out, you can't get it back.
You didn't even like our handshake.
Now it's gone. I hated it.
You two are dumber than Jackie Coogan.
He divorced Betty Grable.
handshake with his blood money. Pierce tainted our special
get the magic back. Now we can't
Holy crap, you two, for real? Yeah.
your stupid handshake. Nobody cares about
Shirley's vagina 2 feet from us. A baby is coming out of
still six minutes apart. Her contractions are
Unless her cervix is dilated more than 8 centimeters,
we have time to get her to a hospital.
I delivered a baby earlier this year.
Mm-hm. What?
when that happened? Where was I
off in the background. I don't know,
Did you pull your car up? Uh, no.
It's been overturned.
Okay, look, What?
I don't wanna alarm anyone,
but the World Food Festival has taken a dark turn.
national ethnicities I guess some
don't play nice with others,
into a bit of a race… and things have turned
kerfuffle. You mean "riot"?
for now, okay, Mr. Winger? Let's use "kerfuffle"
Oh, God. I was just trying to feed hungry foodies.
I'm going to call an ambulance. There's ambulances out there.
They're overturning those too.
I mean, I didn't even know there was a difference
and South Korean barbeque. between North
I mean, M.A.S.H. lasted longer than that war.
Get over it. Am I right? Don't print that.
Let's just quit jotting. Quit… Stop writing!
911 says it's gonna take over an hour
because of a race kerfuffle.
Ooh. Lake Wobegon days!
Abed, what do we do?
Shirley, pretend I'm saying this
non-robotic voice. in a soothing,
We won't make it to the hospital.
Yes, I am. I'm gonna have this baby at a hospital
the father of my baby. with my husband,
Unless that father is me.
In which case, what you need to do is elevate your legs
the northeast corner of room. over your head while facing
But try not to look at the door, that's bad luck.
are very superstitious. Chang babies
Also, if you can visualize a rabbit riding a dragon
it'll increase his chances of winning lotteries.
Ben, corner.
the baby right here, right now. Listen, Shirley, we're having
Okay.
and coat you can find. Get every blanket
for Shirley to lie on. Anything soft
tell him to meet us here. Annie, call Andre and
What can I do? Stop rubbing her shoulders.
Being natural. What are you doing?
Shirley to the ground. Jeff, help me move
All right, just stand right here.
Okay. Okay.
Troy, blankets. Easy. Easy.
Here we go. Okay. Okay. Okay.
and see how far along you are. I just need to take a look
I don't feel comfortable Oh, I'm sorry,
with you taking a tour of my nethers.
I'd prefer if it was one of the girls.
I can do it. I can do it. I'm good at looking.
I am here for you, Shirley. Okay, what do I do?
Look and see if the baby's head has reached the cervix.
No problo, Rob Lowe.
has reached the cervix. I take it the head
Oh, God. Okay. Oh, God.
All right, heh-heh. Not to worry.
happens all the time. This kind of thing
Are a lot of babies born in classrooms?
Well, a lot more are conceived.
that's off the record. No, Paul,
And not true. Sort of. Annie.
Due to a conflict of genitals, Gotta go.
from delivering Shirley's baby. I've been disqualified
I'm gonna walk you through it.
I can't deliver a baby. I'm not prepared.
I need to take a class, shadow a nurse,
have my mom hug me first. or at least
Oh, God. I'm seeing spots.
Oh, my lord! Why are you doing these things to me?
Someone's gotta calm her down. How have I failed you? Oh!
I got this. Shirley, look at me.
Look at my face.
Connect with me.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
What in the hell? I don't know what to do.
Chang! Where's Chang? What's up, baby?
You said Chang babies all come this way?
Yup, like a bullet from a gun.
And they're all okay?
Hell, yeah. More than okay. Super babies.
of little scrappers Seven generations
born in the worst conditions you can imagine.
My cousin slid out feet first Tell me.
in a Pickle Barrel. Oh.
during rainy season My uncle was born
in a Mongolian sheep pasture.
My brother, born under a crowded noodle bar
while my grandfather finished his shrimp.
Nothing can stop us.
Not the hurricanes, not the Communists,
not the Girl Scouts. not the feds,
What are you doing? Get in there.
Me? Forget it, I'm the worst.
Well, that's a discussion for a different time.
there is something in you Look, Britta,
that wants to take care of people so bad
that you'll do it until you puke.
That's what Shirley needs right now.
I'll be a good mom? Are you saying
Heh-heh, what? No.
Man, you will really force anything, won't you?
Just get in there and force that baby out of Shirley.
Step aside, people. Britta for the win!
Get out of my way. Okay, I'm ready.
Abed, walk me through this.
Okay, at each contraction,
you need to tell Shirley to push.
That's it?
Don't tell any doctors I said this,
but the bus pretty much drives itself.
in this scenario? Ohh! Who is the bus
Push. Push. Push.
Good. Push. Push. Push.
Come on, Shirley. Push.
The head is out!
Now, feel around the neck for the umbilical cord.
There's no cord.
that's a good thing. I think
You're doing great too. Oh, I am nailing this.
Chang, more stories.
Okay, so in World War II,
in labor camps, mining mostly. a lot of us were rounded up
Hundreds of Changs were born underneath the earth.
five years underground. Most spent their first
Oh, Andre. Hey, I'm here.
Okay. Hi, baby.
It's gonna be all right. Okay.
Ma'am, we can take it from here.
Guys, I got it. I'm in the zone.
Come on, Shirley. Push, push, push.
Push it. Push it. Here it comes.
It's Baby Greendale.
You guys don't have to name it that.
I don't claim that power. I'm merely the deliverer.
Oh, doy. Okay, come on, Shirley. Britta, focus.
Push! Push! Push!
Oh, it's a boy!
And it's also a Black person!
Not that that's important.
Yes. Are you sure it's yours, baby?
I never told you this part, It's definitely his.
are born with tails. but all Changs
You kind of dodged a bullet there.
Did that just happen?
It never left. It's back.
Hi. Aw.
No, you did it, baby. We did it, Sugar Boots.
Congratulations, sir.
After a fierce campaign,
I happily concede this baby to you.
Pretty classy of me.
Thank you, Chang.
Couldn't have done this without you.
No bigs.
Yeah? Andre?
name him after Ben. I think I wanna
Hm? What?
Really? Really?
you may not be his father, Yeah, I mean,
but you helped bring him into the world.
our own little baby Ben Bennett. All right, well, we'll have
Mm-hm. Ben Bennett? Oh, damn.
Okay. No, no, no, that's fine.
Ben Bennett.
Hi, Ben Bennett.
he said "Chang." Oh, look,
No. No, he didn't.
See? Nothing to it.
Yeah.
Can you believe that's how we come into this world?
and covered in crap. Screaming, crying
Then somewhere along the lines we get it into our heads
that we're destined for greatness.
We are. I just yanked a little dude out of my friend.
Yeah.
I guess we passed anthropology.
Look at how teeny his hands are.
They're so little. His fingers are like Good & Plenties.
I know, I wanna eat them.
Which is lame. Totally.
This has been quite a day.
You can expect a cover story in the next issue.
In a good way?
Like, an article about what a good dean I am?
Absolutely.
I did it. Heh-heh.
I did it.
I am a good dean.
I am a good dean!
you wanna do this? Are you sure
People do it in movies,
real-world consequences. but there are
take that test today, I know, but if we
we are definitely going to fail it.
Okay, let's do it.
What are you guys doing?
we tell everybody about this. Cancel school today or
Deal.