1
00:00:02,659 --> 00:00:04,910
the dumbest dean…

2
00:00:04,910 --> 00:00:08,956
blow-off class: anthropology.
And the ultimate

3
00:00:08,956 --> 00:00:10,166
Who knew?

4
00:00:10,166 --> 00:00:12,586
Cheers.
Yeah.

5
00:00:12,586 --> 00:00:14,254
Hey, Shirley.
Hm?

6
00:00:14,254 --> 00:00:16,964
You're not drinking. Someone is
cruising for an A-minus.

7
00:00:16,964 --> 00:00:18,884
I'm with child.
Oh, no, no,

8
00:00:18,884 --> 00:00:21,595
If it's my child, it's okay
to have a drink or two.

9
00:00:21,595 --> 00:00:24,013
Chang babies love the sauce,
you know?

10
00:00:24,013 --> 00:00:25,599
Alcohol and duck.

11
00:00:28,101 --> 00:00:29,603
Zoink.

12
00:00:30,978 --> 00:00:34,399
This is not your child,
Chang. It's Andre's.

13
00:00:34,399 --> 00:00:36,777
Because I don't see any locusts.
How do you know?

14
00:00:36,777 --> 00:00:39,195
Besides, a woman knows
these things.

15
00:00:39,195 --> 00:00:41,030
Women have a connectedness
to their bodies

16
00:00:41,030 --> 00:00:42,908
never understand.
that you would

17
00:00:42,908 --> 00:00:45,034
You have a booger.

18
00:00:45,034 --> 00:00:46,787
it's part of me.
I know,

19
00:00:46,787 --> 00:00:48,747
Hey, can we please do the exam?

20
00:00:48,747 --> 00:00:50,832
Question number two:

21
00:00:50,832 --> 00:00:52,958
that this class is fake?
How awesome is it

22
00:00:52,958 --> 00:00:55,044
Yeah!

23
00:00:55,044 --> 00:00:57,672
Here is to never
telling the dean.

24
00:00:57,672 --> 00:00:59,758
Cheers.
Yeah.

25
00:00:59,758 --> 00:01:01,551
Hi.

26
00:01:04,679 --> 00:01:07,974
And that is what Jews
do at weddings.

27
00:01:07,974 --> 00:01:10,894
Anthropology.
L'Chaim!

28
00:01:14,815 --> 00:01:18,067
To run out of steam ♪
d Give me the hope

29
00:01:21,279 --> 00:01:25,533
Tied up dead in a year ♪
d We could be roped up

30
00:01:37,462 --> 00:01:41,716
Professor Duncan, class,
this is Mr. Jacobson.

31
00:01:41,716 --> 00:01:46,262
piece on me for Dean Magazine.
He's a writer who's doing a

32
00:01:47,639 --> 00:01:49,390
I know, right?

33
00:01:49,390 --> 00:01:50,600
Keep taking your exam.

34
00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:52,644
Don't let my presence
distract you.

35
00:01:52,644 --> 00:01:55,480
I'm sort of a father figure
to the kids around here

36
00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:58,566
for my outside-the-box
approach to education.

37
00:01:58,566 --> 00:02:01,778
You know, like that film,
Children of the Corn.

38
00:02:01,778 --> 00:02:04,865
Uh, professor.
What?

39
00:02:04,865 --> 00:02:07,534
Proceed.
Yes.

40
00:02:08,910 --> 00:02:11,204
The anthropology final.

41
00:02:12,706 --> 00:02:14,499
Do you know what?

42
00:02:14,499 --> 00:02:17,126
I have left the exam paper
in my office,

43
00:02:17,126 --> 00:02:18,962
but it is a real doozy.

44
00:02:18,962 --> 00:02:23,424
There is an interactive element,
a performance component,

45
00:02:23,424 --> 00:02:25,176
and I don't wanna tip it,

46
00:02:25,176 --> 00:02:29,973
but there may be a lump of clay
coming to everyone in the room.

47
00:02:29,973 --> 00:02:32,559
So toodle-loo. Cheerio.

48
00:02:32,559 --> 00:02:36,312
This is a real college.
Wowee.

49
00:02:36,312 --> 00:02:40,567
So after this, we should check
out the World Food Festival

50
00:02:40,567 --> 00:02:41,568
in the parking lot.

51
00:02:41,568 --> 00:02:43,319
No way.

52
00:02:43,319 --> 00:02:47,032
different nationalities of food.
There are lunch trucks with 18

53
00:02:47,032 --> 00:02:48,992
Not different, equal.
You know what?

54
00:02:48,992 --> 00:02:52,704
Equal to whites. You know what?
Better than whites.

55
00:02:52,704 --> 00:02:55,122
Oh, I think that sounds
like an awesome thing

56
00:02:55,122 --> 00:02:56,666
to do immediately.

57
00:02:56,666 --> 00:02:59,920
Dean Magazine would love it.
I bet the reader of

58
00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:01,504
Mm.
Yeah.

59
00:03:01,504 --> 00:03:03,631
I'd like to stay here
I'm good.

60
00:03:03,631 --> 00:03:05,550
this unorthodox exam.
and check out

61
00:03:07,301 --> 00:03:08,970
Shirley, you okay?
Oh…

62
00:03:08,970 --> 00:03:11,222
Just a little indigestion.
Uh-huh.

63
00:03:11,222 --> 00:03:12,933
I've been having it
all morning.

64
00:03:12,933 --> 00:03:14,809
it isn't a contraction?
Are you sure

65
00:03:14,809 --> 00:03:17,520
too early for any of that.
No, no. It's way

66
00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:19,146
came right on schedule.
My other two

67
00:03:19,146 --> 00:03:20,774
Maybe even a little late.

68
00:03:20,774 --> 00:03:22,067
Jordan was in here so long,

69
00:03:22,067 --> 00:03:23,526
with a driver's license.
he came out

70
00:03:24,903 --> 00:03:27,572
That's not true. Ooh.
I'm kidding.

71
00:03:27,572 --> 00:03:29,365
are always premature.
Chang babies

72
00:03:29,365 --> 00:03:31,868
We gestate fast because we're
better at obtaining nutrients.

73
00:03:31,868 --> 00:03:33,453
Some need only eight months,

74
00:03:33,453 --> 00:03:36,957
of the mother they eat.
depending on how much

75
00:03:36,957 --> 00:03:39,250
Oh… Uh…

76
00:03:39,250 --> 00:03:41,920
full of chemicals.
Shirley, that is

77
00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:43,838
I wouldn't expose
your baby to that.

78
00:03:43,838 --> 00:03:46,424
Actually, my doctor said
antacid is safe to take.

79
00:03:46,424 --> 00:03:49,552
for that study: big antacid?
Let me guess who paid

80
00:03:49,552 --> 00:03:51,638
a eucalyptus root
Shirley, chew on

81
00:03:51,638 --> 00:03:54,641
and, I know it sounds
gross, pig saliva.

82
00:03:54,641 --> 00:03:57,143
ingredient as antacid.
It's the same active

83
00:03:57,143 --> 00:03:59,020
with a fancy name.
They dress it up

84
00:03:59,020 --> 00:04:01,397
How dare they?
Wanna see a movie today?

85
00:04:01,397 --> 00:04:03,108
Word.
Cool.

86
00:04:03,108 --> 00:04:05,401
why do you do that?
Hey, guys,

87
00:04:05,401 --> 00:04:07,320
Do what?

88
00:04:09,114 --> 00:04:11,449
It's cool.
How?

89
00:04:11,449 --> 00:04:13,284
I don't know.
It just is.

90
00:04:13,284 --> 00:04:16,454
Let me in to the handshake.
Well, let me in.

91
00:04:16,454 --> 00:04:18,164
I'll give you $1000.

92
00:04:21,250 --> 00:04:23,210
Indecent Proposal.
Indecent Proposal.

93
00:04:23,210 --> 00:04:24,963
Demi.
Woody.

94
00:04:24,963 --> 00:04:26,006
Nice.

95
00:04:39,936 --> 00:04:41,562
gonna fall in love?
You two

96
00:04:41,562 --> 00:04:45,483
No.
No. I don't know. Tsh.

97
00:04:48,028 --> 00:04:51,489
So have you considered
natural childbirth?

98
00:04:51,489 --> 00:04:53,658
I'll take whatever they got.
Are you kidding me?

99
00:04:53,658 --> 00:04:55,409
Epidural is a proper
Christian woman's

100
00:04:55,409 --> 00:04:58,121
only chance to get wrecked.
But from what I'm told,

101
00:04:58,121 --> 00:05:01,290
the real high is the endorphin
rush of a chemical-free birth.

102
00:05:01,290 --> 00:05:02,792
I read an article
that said

103
00:05:02,792 --> 00:05:04,836
actually achieve or…
some women can

104
00:05:04,836 --> 00:05:06,046
Uh, uh… No, no, no.

105
00:05:06,046 --> 00:05:07,547
for the conversation.
Thank you

106
00:05:07,547 --> 00:05:09,298
what you're talking about.
I know

107
00:05:09,298 --> 00:05:11,968
That's not something a woman
does on her child's head.

108
00:05:11,968 --> 00:05:14,219
Listen, backseat birther,
But…

109
00:05:14,219 --> 00:05:16,139
on her third kid.
Shirley's

110
00:05:16,139 --> 00:05:18,725
She doesn't need a slacker
with two one-eyed cats

111
00:05:18,725 --> 00:05:20,601
First of all,
governing her body.

112
00:05:20,601 --> 00:05:22,687
my cats can do anything.
together,

113
00:05:22,687 --> 00:05:25,190
yourself from this conversation
Second, you disqualified

114
00:05:25,190 --> 00:05:27,067
the moment you decided
to grow a wang.

115
00:05:27,067 --> 00:05:29,360
I feel sorry for the airhead
I regret nothing.

116
00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:31,320
you're gonna knock up at 70.

117
00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:33,031
You're gonna be sitting
in the waiting room

118
00:05:33,031 --> 00:05:36,617
playing solitaire while a life
is created 10 feet from you.

119
00:05:36,617 --> 00:05:39,662
Oh, and you're gonna squat
in a babbling brook

120
00:05:39,662 --> 00:05:42,165
and a beautiful star child
is gonna slide out

121
00:05:42,165 --> 00:05:43,917
on a ray of sunshine

122
00:05:43,917 --> 00:05:47,045
while your cats each half watch,
because you're so natural.

123
00:05:48,421 --> 00:05:50,840
Okay. Oh, boy. Okay. Oh, boy.

124
00:05:50,840 --> 00:05:54,094
Can someone please get
every mop on campus?

125
00:05:54,094 --> 00:05:57,346
Um… Did you break water?
Is that broken water?

126
00:05:57,346 --> 00:05:58,556
That's broken water!

127
00:05:58,556 --> 00:06:00,265
Chang baby!

128
00:06:02,309 --> 00:06:04,645
Just nice and easy. Careful.

129
00:06:04,645 --> 00:06:07,690
Oh, Father, God Almighty,
this isn't happening.

130
00:06:07,690 --> 00:06:09,483
It's too soon.

131
00:06:09,483 --> 00:06:12,195
I don't want my baby's first
memory to be Star-Burns.

132
00:06:12,195 --> 00:06:14,155
this is not a big deal.
Oh, goodness. Okay,

133
00:06:14,155 --> 00:06:16,116
it is a big deal.
Wait, I mean,

134
00:06:16,116 --> 00:06:19,035
It's just not a big bad deal,
it's a big good deal.

135
00:06:19,035 --> 00:06:20,494
everyone's attention…
If I could have

136
00:06:20,494 --> 00:06:22,872
We'd like not to have
your attention.

137
00:06:22,872 --> 00:06:26,167
Okay, give me your attention.
This student is having a baby.

138
00:06:26,167 --> 00:06:28,002
What am I talking about?
You already know.

139
00:06:28,002 --> 00:06:29,754
Okay, here's what it is.

140
00:06:29,754 --> 00:06:32,548
I'm gonna pull around the back
I'm gonna go get my Prius,

141
00:06:32,548 --> 00:06:34,842
and I'm gonna drive her
to the hospital.

142
00:06:34,842 --> 00:06:36,928
which is pretty cool.
I drive a Prius,

143
00:06:36,928 --> 00:06:39,264
Dean, go!
Dean gone.

144
00:06:39,264 --> 00:06:42,475
He's "Sugar Boots" in my phone.
Can you please call Andre?

145
00:06:42,475 --> 00:06:43,893
That hurts, Shirley.

146
00:06:43,893 --> 00:06:46,479
because I am here for you.
Oh, I'll get it,

147
00:06:46,479 --> 00:06:48,439
We came so close

148
00:06:48,439 --> 00:06:50,691
that wasn't all about them.
to having one class

149
00:06:50,691 --> 00:06:53,569
that trip on St. Patrick's Day?
Remember when they took

150
00:06:53,569 --> 00:06:54,946
God, that was
a good week.

151
00:06:54,946 --> 00:06:57,073
This has got to be
a Chang baby.

152
00:06:57,073 --> 00:06:58,658
born in hospitals.
Changs are never

153
00:06:58,658 --> 00:07:01,786
More like taxicabs,
hardware stores,

154
00:07:01,786 --> 00:07:03,079
bank lines, sewers.

155
00:07:03,079 --> 00:07:05,081
was born on a treadmill
My nephew Jin

156
00:07:05,081 --> 00:07:06,499
at Bally Total Fitness.

157
00:07:06,499 --> 00:07:08,417
Twenty-percent incline.

158
00:07:08,417 --> 00:07:10,795
Sugar Boots says
he'll meet us at the hospital.

159
00:07:10,795 --> 00:07:13,965
Good! Now, can somebody do
something about him?

160
00:07:13,965 --> 00:07:15,883
I'm saying, nobody
needs to freak out.

161
00:07:15,883 --> 00:07:17,551
A Chang is hearty
to the core.

162
00:07:17,551 --> 00:07:18,928
We always come out healthy.

163
00:07:18,928 --> 00:07:20,305
there's a billion of us.
That's why

164
00:07:20,305 --> 00:07:22,265
Ever try Googling me?
Can't be done.

165
00:07:22,265 --> 00:07:24,600
Ben, you have to stop
freaking her out.

166
00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:25,977
Hey, show me some respect.

167
00:07:25,977 --> 00:07:28,479
I might be that child's
estranged father.

168
00:07:28,479 --> 00:07:31,524
What?
Well, what's it gonna be?

169
00:07:31,524 --> 00:07:34,694
your handshake. We have a deal?
I wanna buy the rights to

170
00:07:34,694 --> 00:07:36,654
Shirley to the hospital.
We're about to take

171
00:07:36,654 --> 00:07:38,072
This is not the time.

172
00:07:38,072 --> 00:07:39,490
Oh, it's the time.

173
00:07:39,490 --> 00:07:42,535
According to my watch,
it's 1000 o'clock.

174
00:07:42,535 --> 00:07:44,162
Deal.
Great.

175
00:07:46,706 --> 00:07:47,874
So how does it work?

176
00:07:47,874 --> 00:07:49,458
I don't know, we just do it

177
00:07:49,458 --> 00:07:51,336
when one of us says
something awesome.

178
00:07:51,336 --> 00:07:52,753
All right.

179
00:07:52,753 --> 00:07:54,047
Betty Grable.

180
00:07:56,632 --> 00:07:58,718
I said, "Betty Grable."

181
00:08:09,896 --> 00:08:12,106
No.
Yes.

182
00:08:14,192 --> 00:08:17,070
No.
Do it.

183
00:08:17,070 --> 00:08:18,571
Make your money, whore.

184
00:08:26,287 --> 00:08:28,455
Who's Betty Grable?

185
00:08:28,455 --> 00:08:29,916
Yeah, that's the stuff.

186
00:08:31,876 --> 00:08:34,754
Try to take deep breaths
and relax.

187
00:08:34,754 --> 00:08:36,339
Where is the dean?

188
00:08:36,339 --> 00:08:38,507
everything's wet.
Oh, my God,

189
00:08:38,507 --> 00:08:40,509
Ugh. Oh, That's okay.
Ooh.

190
00:08:40,509 --> 00:08:42,387
because it is natural.
That's okay

191
00:08:42,387 --> 00:08:44,013
It's natural.

192
00:08:44,013 --> 00:08:46,182
Are you uncomfortable,
Britta?

193
00:08:46,182 --> 00:08:48,268
Ooh!
You wish.

194
00:08:48,268 --> 00:08:51,396
Four hundred, 500.
Okay.

195
00:08:51,396 --> 00:08:53,647
It's like a million bucks
in dog dollars.

196
00:08:53,647 --> 00:08:55,358
Word.

197
00:08:57,402 --> 00:08:59,237
Something's off.
What happened?

198
00:09:02,073 --> 00:09:04,117
candy from a baby.
It's like buying

199
00:09:05,451 --> 00:09:07,245
What did you do?
You ruined it.

200
00:09:07,245 --> 00:09:08,704
Give him back the money.

201
00:09:08,704 --> 00:09:11,249
doesn't matter anymore.
No, no, no, the money

202
00:09:11,249 --> 00:09:14,127
Once you've sold something out,
you can't get it back.

203
00:09:14,127 --> 00:09:15,502
You didn't even like
our handshake.

204
00:09:15,502 --> 00:09:17,422
Now it's gone.
I hated it.

205
00:09:17,422 --> 00:09:20,549
You two are dumber
than Jackie Coogan.

206
00:09:21,717 --> 00:09:23,803
He divorced Betty Grable.

207
00:09:27,140 --> 00:09:30,017
handshake with his blood money.
Pierce tainted our special

208
00:09:30,017 --> 00:09:31,811
get the magic back.
Now we can't

209
00:09:31,811 --> 00:09:34,563
Holy crap, you two, for real?
Yeah.

210
00:09:34,563 --> 00:09:36,482
your stupid handshake.
Nobody cares about

211
00:09:36,482 --> 00:09:39,485
Shirley's vagina 2 feet from us.
A baby is coming out of

212
00:09:39,485 --> 00:09:41,695
still six minutes apart.
Her contractions are

213
00:09:41,695 --> 00:09:43,739
Unless her cervix is dilated
more than 8 centimeters,

214
00:09:43,739 --> 00:09:45,783
we have time to get her
to a hospital.

215
00:09:47,868 --> 00:09:49,703
I delivered a baby
earlier this year.

216
00:09:49,703 --> 00:09:50,871
Mm-hm.
What?

217
00:09:50,871 --> 00:09:52,206
when that happened?
Where was I

218
00:09:52,206 --> 00:09:53,874
off in the background.
I don't know,

219
00:09:55,542 --> 00:09:57,753
Did you pull your car up?
Uh, no.

220
00:09:57,753 --> 00:09:59,172
It's been overturned.

221
00:09:59,172 --> 00:10:01,215
Okay, look,
What?

222
00:10:01,215 --> 00:10:03,009
I don't wanna alarm anyone,

223
00:10:03,009 --> 00:10:06,262
but the World Food Festival
has taken a dark turn.

224
00:10:06,262 --> 00:10:08,597
national ethnicities
I guess some

225
00:10:08,597 --> 00:10:10,183
don't play nice with others,

226
00:10:10,183 --> 00:10:13,186
into a bit of a race…
and things have turned

227
00:10:13,186 --> 00:10:16,105
kerfuffle.
You mean "riot"?

228
00:10:16,105 --> 00:10:19,608
for now, okay, Mr. Winger?
Let's use "kerfuffle"

229
00:10:19,608 --> 00:10:24,489
Oh, God. I was just trying
to feed hungry foodies.

230
00:10:24,489 --> 00:10:27,367
I'm going to call an ambulance.
There's ambulances out there.

231
00:10:27,367 --> 00:10:29,202
They're overturning
those too.

232
00:10:29,202 --> 00:10:32,163
I mean, I didn't even know
there was a difference

233
00:10:32,163 --> 00:10:34,457
and South Korean barbeque.
between North

234
00:10:34,457 --> 00:10:37,126
I mean, M.A.S.H. lasted
longer than that war.

235
00:10:37,126 --> 00:10:40,087
Get over it. Am I right?
Don't print that.

236
00:10:40,087 --> 00:10:43,341
Let's just quit jotting.
Quit… Stop writing!

237
00:10:43,341 --> 00:10:45,426
911 says it's gonna
take over an hour

238
00:10:45,426 --> 00:10:47,136
because of a race kerfuffle.

239
00:10:47,136 --> 00:10:50,348
Ooh. Lake Wobegon days!

240
00:10:50,348 --> 00:10:52,683
Abed, what do we do?

241
00:10:52,683 --> 00:10:54,101
Shirley, pretend
I'm saying this

242
00:10:54,101 --> 00:10:55,436
non-robotic voice.
in a soothing,

243
00:10:55,436 --> 00:10:57,063
We won't make it
to the hospital.

244
00:10:57,063 --> 00:10:59,524
Yes, I am. I'm gonna have
this baby at a hospital

245
00:10:59,524 --> 00:11:01,566
the father of my baby.
with my husband,

246
00:11:01,566 --> 00:11:03,152
Unless that father is me.

247
00:11:03,152 --> 00:11:05,696
In which case, what you need
to do is elevate your legs

248
00:11:05,696 --> 00:11:09,075
the northeast corner of room.
over your head while facing

249
00:11:09,075 --> 00:11:11,536
But try not to look at the door,
that's bad luck.

250
00:11:11,536 --> 00:11:13,578
are very superstitious.
Chang babies

251
00:11:13,578 --> 00:11:17,041
Also, if you can visualize
a rabbit riding a dragon

252
00:11:17,041 --> 00:11:20,169
it'll increase his chances
of winning lotteries.

253
00:11:20,169 --> 00:11:22,004
Ben, corner.

254
00:11:22,004 --> 00:11:24,882
the baby right here, right now.
Listen, Shirley, we're having

255
00:11:26,300 --> 00:11:27,634
Okay.

256
00:11:27,634 --> 00:11:29,845
and coat you can find.
Get every blanket

257
00:11:29,845 --> 00:11:31,680
for Shirley to lie on.
Anything soft

258
00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:34,183
tell him to meet us here.
Annie, call Andre and

259
00:11:34,183 --> 00:11:36,185
What can I do?
Stop rubbing her shoulders.

260
00:11:36,185 --> 00:11:39,272
Being natural.
What are you doing?

261
00:11:39,272 --> 00:11:42,066
Shirley to the ground.
Jeff, help me move

262
00:11:42,066 --> 00:11:43,317
All right, just stand
right here.

263
00:11:43,317 --> 00:11:44,693
Okay. Okay.

264
00:11:44,693 --> 00:11:46,653
Troy, blankets.
Easy. Easy.

265
00:11:46,653 --> 00:11:48,655
Here we go. Okay.
Okay. Okay.

266
00:11:48,655 --> 00:11:51,700
and see how far along you are.
I just need to take a look

267
00:11:51,700 --> 00:11:53,327
I don't feel comfortable
Oh, I'm sorry,

268
00:11:53,327 --> 00:11:55,455
with you taking a tour
of my nethers.

269
00:11:55,455 --> 00:11:57,206
I'd prefer if it was
one of the girls.

270
00:11:57,206 --> 00:11:59,792
I can do it. I can do it.
I'm good at looking.

271
00:11:59,792 --> 00:12:02,795
I am here for you, Shirley.
Okay, what do I do?

272
00:12:02,795 --> 00:12:05,798
Look and see if the baby's head
has reached the cervix.

273
00:12:05,798 --> 00:12:08,468
No problo, Rob Lowe.

274
00:12:25,067 --> 00:12:27,694
has reached the cervix.
I take it the head

275
00:12:29,947 --> 00:12:32,074
Oh, God. Okay. Oh, God.

276
00:12:32,074 --> 00:12:34,160
All right, heh-heh.
Not to worry.

277
00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:36,036
happens all the time.
This kind of thing

278
00:12:36,036 --> 00:12:38,038
Are a lot of babies
born in classrooms?

279
00:12:38,038 --> 00:12:39,832
Well, a lot more are
conceived.

280
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:42,543
that's off the record.
No, Paul,

281
00:12:42,543 --> 00:12:44,587
And not true. Sort of.
Annie.

282
00:12:44,587 --> 00:12:47,507
Due to a conflict of genitals,
Gotta go.

283
00:12:47,507 --> 00:12:49,383
from delivering Shirley's baby.
I've been disqualified

284
00:12:49,383 --> 00:12:51,010
I'm gonna walk you
through it.

285
00:12:51,010 --> 00:12:53,513
I can't deliver a baby.
I'm not prepared.

286
00:12:53,513 --> 00:12:55,515
I need to take a class,
shadow a nurse,

287
00:12:55,515 --> 00:12:57,475
have my mom hug me first.
or at least

288
00:12:57,475 --> 00:12:59,560
Oh, God. I'm seeing spots.

289
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:02,647
Oh, my lord! Why are you
doing these things to me?

290
00:13:02,647 --> 00:13:05,899
Someone's gotta calm her down.
How have I failed you? Oh!

291
00:13:05,899 --> 00:13:09,403
I got this. Shirley, look at me.

292
00:13:09,403 --> 00:13:11,572
Look at my face.

293
00:13:11,572 --> 00:13:13,115
Connect with me.

294
00:13:16,202 --> 00:13:18,162
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

295
00:13:18,162 --> 00:13:20,456
What in the hell?
I don't know what to do.

296
00:13:20,456 --> 00:13:23,250
Chang! Where's Chang?
What's up, baby?

297
00:13:23,250 --> 00:13:25,752
You said Chang babies
all come this way?

298
00:13:25,752 --> 00:13:27,338
Yup, like a bullet
from a gun.

299
00:13:27,338 --> 00:13:28,797
And they're all okay?

300
00:13:28,797 --> 00:13:31,800
Hell, yeah. More than okay.
Super babies.

301
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:33,927
of little scrappers
Seven generations

302
00:13:33,927 --> 00:13:36,180
born in the worst conditions
you can imagine.

303
00:13:36,180 --> 00:13:38,724
My cousin slid out feet first
Tell me.

304
00:13:38,724 --> 00:13:40,059
in a Pickle Barrel.
Oh.

305
00:13:40,059 --> 00:13:41,435
during rainy season
My uncle was born

306
00:13:41,435 --> 00:13:43,103
in a Mongolian
sheep pasture.

307
00:13:43,103 --> 00:13:45,690
My brother, born under
a crowded noodle bar

308
00:13:45,690 --> 00:13:48,067
while my grandfather
finished his shrimp.

309
00:13:48,067 --> 00:13:49,443
Nothing can stop us.

310
00:13:49,443 --> 00:13:52,154
Not the hurricanes,
not the Communists,

311
00:13:52,154 --> 00:13:54,281
not the Girl Scouts.
not the feds,

312
00:13:54,281 --> 00:13:56,116
What are you doing?
Get in there.

313
00:13:56,116 --> 00:13:58,160
Me? Forget it,
I'm the worst.

314
00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:01,121
Well, that's a discussion
for a different time.

315
00:14:01,121 --> 00:14:03,874
there is something in you
Look, Britta,

316
00:14:03,874 --> 00:14:05,751
that wants to take care
of people so bad

317
00:14:05,751 --> 00:14:07,294
that you'll do it
until you puke.

318
00:14:07,294 --> 00:14:09,213
That's what Shirley
needs right now.

319
00:14:09,213 --> 00:14:11,090
I'll be a good mom?
Are you saying

320
00:14:11,090 --> 00:14:12,883
Heh-heh, what? No.

321
00:14:12,883 --> 00:14:15,135
Man, you will really
force anything, won't you?

322
00:14:15,135 --> 00:14:18,138
Just get in there and force
that baby out of Shirley.

323
00:14:20,099 --> 00:14:22,768
Step aside, people.
Britta for the win!

324
00:14:24,103 --> 00:14:27,856
Get out of my way.
Okay, I'm ready.

325
00:14:27,856 --> 00:14:30,401
Abed, walk me through this.

326
00:14:30,401 --> 00:14:31,736
Okay, at each contraction,

327
00:14:31,736 --> 00:14:33,279
you need to tell
Shirley to push.

328
00:14:33,279 --> 00:14:34,488
That's it?

329
00:14:34,488 --> 00:14:35,989
Don't tell any doctors
I said this,

330
00:14:35,989 --> 00:14:37,283
but the bus pretty much
drives itself.

331
00:14:37,283 --> 00:14:40,119
in this scenario? Ohh!
Who is the bus

332
00:14:40,119 --> 00:14:43,122
Push. Push. Push.

333
00:14:43,122 --> 00:14:44,707
Push. Push. Push.

334
00:14:44,707 --> 00:14:46,917
Good.
Push. Push. Push.

335
00:14:46,917 --> 00:14:48,835
Come on, Shirley.
Push.

336
00:14:48,835 --> 00:14:50,421
The head is out!

337
00:14:50,421 --> 00:14:53,006
Now, feel around the neck
for the umbilical cord.

338
00:14:53,006 --> 00:14:55,426
There's no cord.

339
00:14:55,426 --> 00:14:56,969
that's a good thing.
I think

340
00:14:56,969 --> 00:14:59,513
You're doing great too.
Oh, I am nailing this.

341
00:14:59,513 --> 00:15:01,807
Chang, more stories.

342
00:15:01,807 --> 00:15:03,517
Okay, so in World War II,

343
00:15:03,517 --> 00:15:06,186
in labor camps, mining mostly.
a lot of us were rounded up

344
00:15:06,186 --> 00:15:08,522
Hundreds of Changs were born
underneath the earth.

345
00:15:08,522 --> 00:15:10,816
five years underground.
Most spent their first

346
00:15:10,816 --> 00:15:15,362
Oh, Andre.
Hey, I'm here.

347
00:15:15,362 --> 00:15:17,531
Okay. Hi, baby.

348
00:15:17,531 --> 00:15:19,366
It's gonna be all right.
Okay.

349
00:15:19,366 --> 00:15:21,368
Ma'am, we can take it
from here.

350
00:15:21,368 --> 00:15:23,245
Guys, I got it.
I'm in the zone.

351
00:15:23,245 --> 00:15:25,914
Come on, Shirley.
Push, push, push.

352
00:15:25,914 --> 00:15:28,292
Push it. Push it.
Here it comes.

353
00:15:28,292 --> 00:15:29,752
It's Baby Greendale.

354
00:15:29,752 --> 00:15:31,545
You guys don't have
to name it that.

355
00:15:31,545 --> 00:15:33,589
I don't claim that power.
I'm merely the deliverer.

356
00:15:33,589 --> 00:15:36,383
Oh, doy. Okay, come on, Shirley.
Britta, focus.

357
00:15:36,383 --> 00:15:40,304
Push! Push! Push!

358
00:15:40,304 --> 00:15:42,139
Oh, it's a boy!

359
00:15:43,557 --> 00:15:46,560
And it's also a Black person!

360
00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:48,479
Not that that's important.

361
00:15:48,479 --> 00:15:50,606
Yes.
Are you sure it's yours, baby?

362
00:15:50,606 --> 00:15:53,108
I never told you this part,
It's definitely his.

363
00:15:53,108 --> 00:15:55,986
are born with tails.
but all Changs

364
00:15:55,986 --> 00:15:58,989
You kind of dodged
a bullet there.

365
00:16:01,617 --> 00:16:03,076
Did that just happen?

366
00:16:05,287 --> 00:16:06,872
It never left.
It's back.

367
00:16:10,917 --> 00:16:14,129
Hi. Aw.

368
00:16:17,216 --> 00:16:20,678
No, you did it, baby.
We did it, Sugar Boots.

369
00:16:20,678 --> 00:16:23,138
Congratulations, sir.

370
00:16:23,138 --> 00:16:24,682
After a fierce campaign,

371
00:16:24,682 --> 00:16:27,017
I happily concede
this baby to you.

372
00:16:27,017 --> 00:16:28,894
Pretty classy of me.

373
00:16:28,894 --> 00:16:30,437
Thank you, Chang.

374
00:16:30,437 --> 00:16:32,189
Couldn't have done this
without you.

375
00:16:32,189 --> 00:16:33,899
No bigs.

376
00:16:33,899 --> 00:16:35,150
Yeah?
Andre?

377
00:16:35,150 --> 00:16:38,070
name him after Ben.
I think I wanna

378
00:16:38,070 --> 00:16:39,405
Hm?
What?

379
00:16:39,405 --> 00:16:41,031
Really?
Really?

380
00:16:41,031 --> 00:16:43,492
you may not be his father,
Yeah, I mean,

381
00:16:43,492 --> 00:16:45,952
but you helped bring him
into the world.

382
00:16:45,952 --> 00:16:50,624
our own little baby Ben Bennett.
All right, well, we'll have

383
00:16:50,624 --> 00:16:53,502
Mm-hm.
Ben Bennett? Oh, damn.

384
00:16:53,502 --> 00:16:55,755
Okay. No, no, no,
that's fine.

385
00:16:55,755 --> 00:16:58,674
Ben Bennett.

386
00:16:58,674 --> 00:17:01,218
Hi, Ben Bennett.

387
00:17:01,218 --> 00:17:02,678
he said "Chang."
Oh, look,

388
00:17:02,678 --> 00:17:04,221
No.
No, he didn't.

389
00:17:05,472 --> 00:17:07,266
See? Nothing to it.

390
00:17:07,266 --> 00:17:08,934
Yeah.

391
00:17:08,934 --> 00:17:11,186
Can you believe that's how
we come into this world?

392
00:17:11,186 --> 00:17:13,647
and covered in crap.
Screaming, crying

393
00:17:13,647 --> 00:17:16,567
Then somewhere along the lines
we get it into our heads

394
00:17:16,567 --> 00:17:18,318
that we're destined
for greatness.

395
00:17:18,318 --> 00:17:22,406
We are. I just yanked
a little dude out of my friend.

396
00:17:22,406 --> 00:17:24,324
Yeah.

397
00:17:24,324 --> 00:17:26,285
I guess we passed
anthropology.

398
00:17:26,285 --> 00:17:28,954
Look at how teeny his hands are.

399
00:17:28,954 --> 00:17:31,916
They're so little. His fingers
are like Good & Plenties.

400
00:17:31,916 --> 00:17:33,876
I know, I wanna eat them.

401
00:17:33,876 --> 00:17:36,503
Which is lame.
Totally.

402
00:17:36,503 --> 00:17:38,130
This has been quite a day.

403
00:17:38,130 --> 00:17:40,716
You can expect a cover story
in the next issue.

404
00:17:40,716 --> 00:17:42,509
In a good way?

405
00:17:42,509 --> 00:17:45,095
Like, an article about
what a good dean I am?

406
00:17:46,346 --> 00:17:49,349
Absolutely.

407
00:17:49,349 --> 00:17:52,018
I did it. Heh-heh.

408
00:17:52,018 --> 00:17:54,563
I did it.

409
00:17:54,563 --> 00:17:56,189
I am a good dean.

410
00:17:57,983 --> 00:18:00,026
I am a good dean!

411
00:18:13,749 --> 00:18:15,709
you wanna do this?
Are you sure

412
00:18:15,709 --> 00:18:17,377
People do it in movies,

413
00:18:17,377 --> 00:18:19,087
real-world consequences.
but there are

414
00:18:19,087 --> 00:18:20,923
take that test today,
I know, but if we

415
00:18:20,923 --> 00:18:23,300
we are definitely
going to fail it.

416
00:18:23,300 --> 00:18:25,135
Okay, let's do it.

417
00:18:39,316 --> 00:18:40,734
What are you guys doing?

418
00:18:45,698 --> 00:18:48,534
we tell everybody about this.
Cancel school today or

419
00:18:48,534 --> 00:18:49,660
Deal.