Why does being a librarian
make her hotter?
They're keepers of knowledge,
she answers questions.
Like "Will you marry me?" and
"Why are there still libraries?"
I wanna be a book.
She could pick me up,
flip through my pages,
make sure nobody
drew wieners in me.
Mm-hm. Hey, maybe if we're
too loud, she'll shush us.
Okay.
Books!
Pretend like you're asleep.
Jeff, what do you do when you
and your best friend
wanna ask the same girl to the
dance, but neither have dibs?
You both fell in love
at first sight.
I don't believe in dibs,
love at first sight, love,
best friends or doing things,
but it's good
you brought this to me.
Open your heart.
What if I don't?
I miss the deadline?
Valentine's, Crapentine's.
Opening my heart
is on my list.
Pierce, what was that?
Gum.
Why aren't you chewing?
Because I'm using my mouth
for this dumb conversation.
Bye.
That's my friend, Page.
She's cool, but whatever.
She's cute.
Oh, Troy. Heh.
Before you go
barking up that tree,
she might not be interested.
Why wouldn't she be...?
Oh.
Is she a friend of Ellen?
Yes, Annie,
but you can say the word.
Page is a lesbian.
Pierce, as someone who's been
calling me a lesbian
for the last year
and a half,
I'm sure you
don't have anything to say
about me being friends
with one.
Nothing off the cuff.
What I do have
is a prepared statement.
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST
IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]
"And in summation,
good luck
and bon appétit."
Many, many paragraphs of that
were oddly supportive.
Wait till you hear the one
I have for you.
Okay, I know that wasn't gum.
You're right.
It was an awesome exit pill.
Zip, zop, zooey.
Bye.
We gotta do something
about those painkillers.
He's recovering
from broken legs.
He sure is. Dude can moonwalk.
He's almost through
his prescription.
He's a baby boomer.
They invented drugs.
Yeah, they also invented TV.
Have you seen him
control one of those?
Intervention? Intervention?
Count me out.
We can't. He listens to you.
And the Bare-naked Ladies.
Get their dumb asses
to help you.
Back it up.
Okay, Jeff, you are clearly
in a bad space today,
but Pierce is our friend
and the Bare-naked Ladies
are triple platinum. Are you?
Why does everyone leap
to defend
that band so aggressively?
How much do we have
to go through
before my friendship
stops being questioned?
Maybe friendship is about
going through a lot of stuff.
And maybe BNL has two
Billboard Awards to your zero.
Oh, okay, they're "BNL" now?
We need a shorthand
for the Bare-naked Ladies.
That's how fundamental
they are.
Fundamental.
You know what Pierce
probably needs
more than anything?
Some space. Maybe I do too.
Maybe we all need some space
to pull the knife out
of the back
of the most celebrated Canadian
alt-rock band of the mid-'90s,
you selfish, jaded ass.
This is a fight.
We are fighting.
Jeff. Hello. I hear you're
fighting with your group.
Correct.
You won't know this,
being American, but tonight,
Liverpool are playing...
Manchester United.
I'm a stylish American,
professor.
I've been forcing myself
to be into soccer since 2004.
Oh, then it's destiny.
God gave you a British friend
and a massive TV for a reason.
Oh, it's Valentine's day.
Even though we're fighting,
I did promise the group
I'd go to the dance.
You promised the study group?
Whip crack.
I'll see you at 6:30,
or as the English call it,
gravedigger's biscuits.
Okay?
Ha!
That moonwalk back there
was streets ahead, buddy.
Hey, thanks, buddy.
Hey, Pierce.
Hey, it's you.
Yeah,
the tiny man you see
when you take enough pills.
We have a good time,
don't we, Pierce?
I ain't hurting.
And you wanna keep this going,
right?
Because I'm sure
you've noticed,
the prescription
is almost done.
Heh, heh. I don't think
the doctor...
You know, he won't...
Pierce, if doctors
are so smart,
why are there millions
of them?
Look in your hand.
It's Valentine's, buddy.
Be mine.
Ahem.
Mariah, Abed Nadir.
My associate, Troy Barnes.
Charmed, I'm sure.
You're the guys
who keep staring at me
and yelling out "books"?
The very same.
We're both interested
in taking you to the dance.
We are also best friends.
It is important
we protect that friendship
from the stresses
of courting.
So we're trying to be direct.
Will you go to the dance
with one of us,
and if so, which one?
We need to get
something straight first.
This is the cutest thing
that's ever happened to me.
But I don't know
either one of you.
Give us a moment.
New proposal:
Get to know us at the dance
and decide which of us
you'd like to see again.
Okay, deal.
Nice.
What's in the briefcase?
Oh, tacos.
You want one?
No.
Great,
we really wanted them.
Yeah, we're gonna eat them.
So, like, would you change
clothes in front of her?
Annie,
I know your lack of world
experience creates curiosity,
but questions like that
can make you seem
a bit homophobic.
It's homophobic to ask?
If you have to ask if it's
homophobic to ask questions,
haven't you already answered
your own question?
Have I?
Don't know. Not a homophobe.
Oh.
Oh, there's Page.
Should I ask her 500 questions
about being a lesbian?
Or should I just treat her
like a normal person?
That's a question
you can ask.
Hey, how are you?
What's going on?
Hey.
Hi.
I'm not a lesbian.
Oh.
I'm not either.
Oh.
But it's cool
that you're friends with one.
Oh. Page isn't a lesbian.
She just likes hanging out
with Britta.
It makes her feel cool to have
a lesbian friend. Heh, heh.
But Britta's not a lesbian.
She thinks that Page is.
Guess what, Annie.
Page and I are going
to the dance together.
Hope I stay straight, right?
My friend's a tad homophobic,
so I was doing a bit.
Oh...
Heh.
Bye.
Pretty exciting
first half.
Yeah, zero-zero.
Electrifying.
Worried that your six-headed
ball and chain will be calling?
Fine.
That's better, you big slut.
It's Chang.
Chang? Why?
I don't know.
I can hear you guys.
What are you doing here?
How do you know
where I live?
I can answer
both of those questions
by returning
your driver's license.
Ah. There it is.
Man U
versus Liverpool.
For God's sakes, let him in.
He's wearing the right colors.
Come in.
Don't mind if I Chang.
Hey, hey.
Hey, man, check this out.
Ya-tah!
The thing I was going to show
you guys was pretty cool.
I'm ignoring you
and watching soccer.
Just sit down, Chang.
There's space for three
fannies on this sofa.
In England,
fanny means "vagina," right?
In England, everything
means "vagina."
I'm gonna make it up to you.
Even though, like I said,
weird place to put a lamp.
But let me order a pizza.
Ooh, I love pizza.
In England, we call them
"Italian fannies."
I'm hooking us up.
Celly.
Uh, go use the landline.
Landline?
Okay, Grandma Bell.
Star-Burns. It's Chang.
Remember that pizza
you owe me?
Well, it's time to pay up.
Party at Winger's tonight.
Yeah, you can tell people.
Cool. Cool.
Wingding at Wingers.
So, Mariah,
what you get with me
is the complete package.
HBO, Showtime,
Starz, Starz Black.
Sounds expensive.
If you go with me, you can
expect this on the dance floor.
Go, go, go.
I feel
like everyone's staring.
Not that I care.
Well,
of course they're staring.
They've probably never seen
a straight girl
and a lesbian
so comfortable together.
Exactly.
Those two
were talking about us.
Well, let's give them something
to really talk about.
Let's do it.
Okay.
Excuse us.
Thanks. Sorry.
Cool music, huh?
Oh, nice call, ref.
Bite my banger.
Jeff, something's up
with your toothbrush, man.
What the hell?
I had to get cleaned up.
Why?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Pizza time.
Leonard?
Where are the white women at?
No. There are no
white women here, Leonard.
This is not a party.
Don't tell that to Magnitude.
Who's Magnitude?
Yo, yo, yo. Pop, pop!
Ha, ha, ha!
Pop, pop! Bam!
Bam!
Come on in. What's up?
Oh, yeah, dog.
Looking good.
That is my analysis
of the Saw movie franchise.
That about does it.
So I think it's time
for you to choose.
Abed, could you get us
some punch?
On it.
You guys
are really cute together.
Thank you.
But, you know,
having to actually choose, I...
Hey, we both agreed to this.
We're both comfortable
with each other.
So I won't be...
No, I choose you, Troy.
Psssh. Punch.
Hey, Abed.
Hey.
I, um... She just,
uh... She chose me.
Cool.
You can have this, then.
Thank you, Mariah.
Have a great night.
Great.
Pierce?
You go straight to hell!
Wha...? Uh...
Heh. Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't know,
I've been going through
all these mood swings lately.
You understand
we care about you, right?
Hm.
Okay.
Well, look. Here's the deal.
I am not sharing you
with them.
So before this goes further,
you have a choice to make,
my friend.
Ha, ha!
Look at the lesbians.
Lesbians!
Screw you.
Heh.
I...
No, no.
I don't care what they say.
Oh, I don't either.
I wish it wasn't such
an issue for them.
Yeah, but that starts
with us.
That starts with us.
I've never done this before.
Me neither.
Wait, what?
Bring it.
So curious about one thing.
What was wrong with Abed?
Well, I mean,
he did talk about
the Saw movies for two hours.
But there are eight of them
and they're two hours apiece.
The first one
did redefine the genre...
Troy, I would love
to be his friend.
I know you would,
it's incredible.
But romantically, he's...
You know.
I hate her, I hate her,
I hate her!
What happened?
She called you weird.
I am weird.
Not as weird as her.
Who the hell
is Nicholas Nickleby?
She wouldn't shut up
about it.
Hm. I know.
There's someone out there
for us.
Happy Valentine's Day.
It is now.
Ignore her.
Okay.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING
ON SPEAKERS]
It's weird, but I've never heard
of Magnitude before tonight.
He's a one-man party.
You're always busy
with your study group.
Well, he's not
with them tonight.
Ha, ha, ha.
Oh, yeah!
I thought you quit drinking,
Duncan.
False alarm on that one.
Oh, yeah.
Pop, pop.
Pop, pop. Pop, pop...
CHANG & MAGNITUDE:
Yo! Yo! Yo...
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING
ON SPEAKERS]
I never said
I was a lesbian.
Why didn't you just ask me?
What am I, a homophobe?
I don't care
about people's preferences.
You so care.
You were hanging out with me
because you thought I was gay.
So, what you were doing
with me?
Hey, what does it matter,
you know? We're both just humans
trying to make our way
through this crazy world.
You're the worst.
What?
For the record,
I never thought
you were cool.
I only thought
you were a lesbian.
Page is straight.
Really?
Well, when she was gay,
I thought it was really cool
of you to make out with her.
Thanks, Annie.
Come on. Kiss her!
Annie.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING
ON SPEAKERS]
Oh, thanks, man.
Just leave those.
I'll get them in the morning.
Oh, it's okay.
Are you wearing
my underwear?
Oh. I needed a pair
while I did some laundry here.
I don't have
a washing machine.
What the hell?
Don't get mad,
don't get mad.
I'm homeless, Jeff.
When my wife found out
about Shirley and me,
she kicked me out.
For good this time.
My whole life
is in this dishwasher, man.
Well, some of it's
also soaking in your bathtub.
Oh, so wasted and sleepy.
You know, I should
probably just crash here
and, you know,
I can start looking
for a place in the morning.
What?
You orchestrated
this entire party
so you could weasel
into staying here.
You weren't gonna notice.
Don't kill the messenger,
but you have four hermit crabs
in your bathroom sink.
You'll fall in love with them.
I named one Jeff.
How long
were you gonna stay?
Just a month, three tops.
I mean,
how long is our lease?
Uh... Uh...
Way to go, idiots!
All right, everybody out.
I'm not kidding.
It's been very interesting
getting to know you all
much, much better.
Star-Burns. Leonard.
Magnitude. Pop, pop.
Swizzle. Scandalous.
C Dubbs.
Tim.
Mighty D, Glisten.
Good night, everyone.
Faster. Move it. Thank you.
Well, I hope you found
tonight therapeutic.
Because I would love to pretend
that that was my plan.
I actually started
to have fun
until that maniac
tried to move in.
What is it about me that makes
broken people flock to me?
Is it my height?
Do huddled masses mistake me
for the Statue of Liberty?
I don't know, but being as how
you are halfway through
your second year
at Greendale,
you may want
to either stop resisting,
or admit that you're actually
starting to enjoy it.
Well, you assume I enjoy it
because you think
you'd enjoy it.
It's true, I am very lonely.
You want a nice little taste
of what you're missing
in a relationship
with six nutcases?
Yeah.
Let's turn on my phone
and listen to the 39 messages
they left tonight.
Hello.
You have no new messages.
Hm. That's...
Hm.
Since you got it turned on,
why don't you call me
a cab and then pay for it?
They must be in some kind
of trouble.
Ah. What a relief
that would be.
Tell you what.
If you need me,
I'm gonna be waiting
for my cab down here.
I'll have a special nap.
Oh!
Thanks, bro,
I'll be gone in the morning.
Yeah, whatever.
Okay,
maybe I'll stay a while.
Thirsty.
Don't push it.
All right.
It might not shock you guys
to hear the real reason
we had a fight today.
It wasn't about
the Barenaked Ladies.
Although I do have
some unresolved issues there.
Caring about a person
can be scary.
Caring about six people
can be a horrifying,
embarrassing nightmare.
At least for me.
But if I can't say it today,
when can I say it?
I love you guys.
Oh, and Pierce?
Take it from an expert.
These knuckleheads
are right outside your heart.
Let them in.
Before it's too late.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Be mine.
Right. Yes.
Love you.
Amazing.
You're cute?
Hm.
No, wait.
Kiss me.
There has got to be a way
to make money off of this.
I've been cheating.
No, it says, "E-mail me."