1
00:00:09,162 --> 00:00:11,248
Why does being a librarian

2
00:00:09,162 --> 00:00:11,248
make her hotter?

3
00:00:11,248 --> 00:00:14,084
They're keepers of knowledge,

4
00:00:11,248 --> 00:00:14,084
she answers questions.

5
00:00:14,084 --> 00:00:17,128
Like "Will you marry me?" and

6
00:00:14,084 --> 00:00:17,128
"Why are there still libraries?"

7
00:00:17,128 --> 00:00:19,130
I wanna be a book.

8
00:00:17,128 --> 00:00:19,130
She could pick me up,

9
00:00:19,130 --> 00:00:21,008
flip through my pages,

10
00:00:21,008 --> 00:00:22,718
make sure nobody

11
00:00:21,008 --> 00:00:22,718
drew wieners in me.

12
00:00:22,718 --> 00:00:25,554
Mm-hm. Hey, maybe if we're

13
00:00:22,718 --> 00:00:25,554
too loud, she'll shush us.

14
00:00:25,554 --> 00:00:27,472
Okay.

15
00:00:25,554 --> 00:00:27,472
Books!

16
00:00:28,306 --> 00:00:30,017
Pretend like you're asleep.

17
00:00:32,686 --> 00:00:35,689
Jeff, what do you do when you

18
00:00:32,686 --> 00:00:35,689
and your best friend

19
00:00:35,689 --> 00:00:38,609
wanna ask the same girl to the

20
00:00:35,689 --> 00:00:38,609
dance, but neither have dibs?

21
00:00:38,609 --> 00:00:40,485
You both fell in love

22
00:00:38,609 --> 00:00:40,485
at first sight.

23
00:00:40,485 --> 00:00:42,153
I don't believe in dibs,

24
00:00:42,153 --> 00:00:44,990
love at first sight, love,

25
00:00:42,153 --> 00:00:44,990
best friends or doing things,

26
00:00:44,990 --> 00:00:46,992
but it's good

27
00:00:44,990 --> 00:00:46,992
you brought this to me.

28
00:00:46,992 --> 00:00:48,285
Open your heart.

29
00:00:48,285 --> 00:00:50,161
What if I don't?

30
00:00:48,285 --> 00:00:50,161
I miss the deadline?

31
00:00:50,161 --> 00:00:52,497
Valentine's, Crapentine's.

32
00:00:53,415 --> 00:00:55,166
Opening my heart

33
00:00:53,415 --> 00:00:55,166
is on my list.

34
00:00:56,835 --> 00:00:58,796
Pierce, what was that?

35
00:00:58,796 --> 00:01:01,298
Gum.

36
00:00:58,796 --> 00:01:01,298
Why aren't you chewing?

37
00:01:01,298 --> 00:01:04,217
Because I'm using my mouth

38
00:01:01,298 --> 00:01:04,217
for this dumb conversation.

39
00:01:08,013 --> 00:01:09,681
Bye.

40
00:01:09,681 --> 00:01:12,977
That's my friend, Page.

41
00:01:09,681 --> 00:01:12,977
She's cool, but whatever.

42
00:01:12,977 --> 00:01:15,562
She's cute.

43
00:01:12,977 --> 00:01:15,562
Oh, Troy. Heh.

44
00:01:15,562 --> 00:01:18,107
Before you go

45
00:01:15,562 --> 00:01:18,107
barking up that tree,

46
00:01:18,107 --> 00:01:19,441
she might not be interested.

47
00:01:19,441 --> 00:01:22,027
Why wouldn't she be...?

48
00:01:19,441 --> 00:01:22,027
Oh.

49
00:01:22,027 --> 00:01:25,656
Is she a friend of Ellen?

50
00:01:25,656 --> 00:01:27,866
Yes, Annie,

51
00:01:25,656 --> 00:01:27,866
but you can say the word.

52
00:01:27,866 --> 00:01:31,244
Page is a lesbian.

53
00:01:35,624 --> 00:01:38,209
Pierce, as someone who's been

54
00:01:35,624 --> 00:01:38,209
calling me a lesbian

55
00:01:38,209 --> 00:01:39,628
for the last year

56
00:01:38,209 --> 00:01:39,628
and a half,

57
00:01:39,628 --> 00:01:41,713
I'm sure you

58
00:01:39,628 --> 00:01:41,713
don't have anything to say

59
00:01:41,713 --> 00:01:43,674
about me being friends

60
00:01:41,713 --> 00:01:43,674
with one.

61
00:01:43,674 --> 00:01:45,425
Nothing off the cuff.

62
00:01:45,425 --> 00:01:48,762
What I do have

63
00:01:45,425 --> 00:01:48,762
is a prepared statement.

64
00:01:58,563 --> 00:02:00,440
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST

65
00:01:58,563 --> 00:02:00,440
IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]

66
00:02:25,423 --> 00:02:29,761
"And in summation,

67
00:02:25,423 --> 00:02:29,761
good luck

68
00:02:29,761 --> 00:02:32,597
and bon appétit."

69
00:02:34,725 --> 00:02:38,645
Many, many paragraphs of that

70
00:02:34,725 --> 00:02:38,645
were oddly supportive.

71
00:02:38,645 --> 00:02:41,606
Wait till you hear the one

72
00:02:38,645 --> 00:02:41,606
I have for you.

73
00:02:44,442 --> 00:02:46,111
Okay, I know that wasn't gum.

74
00:02:46,111 --> 00:02:49,114
You're right.

75
00:02:46,111 --> 00:02:49,114
It was an awesome exit pill.

76
00:02:49,114 --> 00:02:51,033
Zip, zop, zooey.

77
00:02:52,034 --> 00:02:54,786
Bye.

78
00:03:02,753 --> 00:03:05,130
We gotta do something

79
00:03:02,753 --> 00:03:05,130
about those painkillers.

80
00:03:05,130 --> 00:03:07,007
He's recovering

81
00:03:05,130 --> 00:03:07,007
from broken legs.

82
00:03:07,007 --> 00:03:08,842
He sure is. Dude can moonwalk.

83
00:03:08,842 --> 00:03:10,802
He's almost through

84
00:03:08,842 --> 00:03:10,802
his prescription.

85
00:03:10,802 --> 00:03:13,430
He's a baby boomer.

86
00:03:10,802 --> 00:03:13,430
They invented drugs.

87
00:03:13,430 --> 00:03:15,099
Yeah, they also invented TV.

88
00:03:15,099 --> 00:03:17,101
Have you seen him

89
00:03:15,099 --> 00:03:17,101
control one of those?

90
00:03:17,101 --> 00:03:18,852
Intervention? Intervention?

91
00:03:18,852 --> 00:03:20,062
Count me out.

92
00:03:20,062 --> 00:03:21,438
We can't. He listens to you.

93
00:03:21,438 --> 00:03:23,107
And the Bare-naked Ladies.

94
00:03:23,107 --> 00:03:24,775
Get their dumb asses

95
00:03:23,107 --> 00:03:24,775
to help you.

96
00:03:24,775 --> 00:03:27,069
Back it up.

97
00:03:27,069 --> 00:03:29,571
Okay, Jeff, you are clearly

98
00:03:27,069 --> 00:03:29,571
in a bad space today,

99
00:03:29,571 --> 00:03:31,198
but Pierce is our friend

100
00:03:31,198 --> 00:03:34,034
and the Bare-naked Ladies

101
00:03:31,198 --> 00:03:34,034
are triple platinum. Are you?

102
00:03:34,034 --> 00:03:36,453
Why does everyone leap

103
00:03:34,034 --> 00:03:36,453
to defend

104
00:03:36,453 --> 00:03:37,871
that band so aggressively?

105
00:03:37,871 --> 00:03:39,581
How much do we have

106
00:03:37,871 --> 00:03:39,581
to go through

107
00:03:39,581 --> 00:03:41,875
before my friendship

108
00:03:39,581 --> 00:03:41,875
stops being questioned?

109
00:03:41,875 --> 00:03:44,920
Maybe friendship is about

110
00:03:41,875 --> 00:03:44,920
going through a lot of stuff.

111
00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:48,215
And maybe BNL has two

112
00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:48,215
Billboard Awards to your zero.

113
00:03:48,215 --> 00:03:50,134
Oh, okay, they're "BNL" now?

114
00:03:50,134 --> 00:03:52,552
We need a shorthand

115
00:03:50,134 --> 00:03:52,552
for the Bare-naked Ladies.

116
00:03:52,552 --> 00:03:54,304
That's how fundamental

117
00:03:52,552 --> 00:03:54,304
they are.

118
00:03:54,304 --> 00:03:56,389
Fundamental.

119
00:03:54,304 --> 00:03:56,389
You know what Pierce

120
00:03:56,389 --> 00:03:58,308
probably needs

121
00:03:56,389 --> 00:03:58,308
more than anything?

122
00:03:58,308 --> 00:04:01,270
Some space. Maybe I do too.

123
00:04:01,270 --> 00:04:02,771
Maybe we all need some space

124
00:04:02,771 --> 00:04:04,648
to pull the knife out

125
00:04:02,771 --> 00:04:04,648
of the back

126
00:04:04,648 --> 00:04:07,901
of the most celebrated Canadian

127
00:04:04,648 --> 00:04:07,901
alt-rock band of the mid-'90s,

128
00:04:07,901 --> 00:04:09,319
you selfish, jaded ass.

129
00:04:09,319 --> 00:04:11,280
This is a fight.

130
00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:13,949
We are fighting.

131
00:04:15,325 --> 00:04:18,495
Jeff. Hello. I hear you're

132
00:04:15,325 --> 00:04:18,495
fighting with your group.

133
00:04:18,495 --> 00:04:20,080
Correct.

134
00:04:18,495 --> 00:04:20,080
You won't know this,

135
00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:23,125
being American, but tonight,

136
00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:23,125
Liverpool are playing...

137
00:04:23,125 --> 00:04:24,459
Manchester United.

138
00:04:24,459 --> 00:04:26,419
I'm a stylish American,

139
00:04:24,459 --> 00:04:26,419
professor.

140
00:04:26,419 --> 00:04:29,214
I've been forcing myself

141
00:04:26,419 --> 00:04:29,214
to be into soccer since 2004.

142
00:04:29,214 --> 00:04:31,008
Oh, then it's destiny.

143
00:04:31,008 --> 00:04:33,802
God gave you a British friend

144
00:04:31,008 --> 00:04:33,802
and a massive TV for a reason.

145
00:04:33,802 --> 00:04:36,596
Oh, it's Valentine's day.

146
00:04:33,802 --> 00:04:36,596
Even though we're fighting,

147
00:04:36,596 --> 00:04:38,807
I did promise the group

148
00:04:36,596 --> 00:04:38,807
I'd go to the dance.

149
00:04:38,807 --> 00:04:40,934
You promised the study group?

150
00:04:38,807 --> 00:04:40,934
Whip crack.

151
00:04:40,934 --> 00:04:42,560
I'll see you at 6:30,

152
00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:45,272
or as the English call it,

153
00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:45,272
gravedigger's biscuits.

154
00:04:45,272 --> 00:04:47,232
Okay?

155
00:04:47,232 --> 00:04:51,153
Ha!

156
00:04:53,905 --> 00:04:57,159
That moonwalk back there

157
00:04:53,905 --> 00:04:57,159
was streets ahead, buddy.

158
00:04:57,159 --> 00:04:58,910
Hey, thanks, buddy.

159
00:04:58,910 --> 00:05:00,120
Hey, Pierce.

160
00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:02,164
Hey, it's you.

161
00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:02,164
Yeah,

162
00:05:02,164 --> 00:05:04,708
the tiny man you see

163
00:05:02,164 --> 00:05:04,708
when you take enough pills.

164
00:05:04,708 --> 00:05:07,002
We have a good time,

165
00:05:04,708 --> 00:05:07,002
don't we, Pierce?

166
00:05:07,002 --> 00:05:08,253
I ain't hurting.

167
00:05:08,253 --> 00:05:09,963
And you wanna keep this going,

168
00:05:08,253 --> 00:05:09,963
right?

169
00:05:09,963 --> 00:05:11,756
Because I'm sure

170
00:05:09,963 --> 00:05:11,756
you've noticed,

171
00:05:11,756 --> 00:05:13,591
the prescription

172
00:05:11,756 --> 00:05:13,591
is almost done.

173
00:05:13,591 --> 00:05:16,678
Heh, heh. I don't think

174
00:05:13,591 --> 00:05:16,678
the doctor...

175
00:05:16,678 --> 00:05:18,013
You know, he won't...

176
00:05:18,013 --> 00:05:19,723
Pierce, if doctors

177
00:05:18,013 --> 00:05:19,723
are so smart,

178
00:05:19,723 --> 00:05:21,599
why are there millions

179
00:05:19,723 --> 00:05:21,599
of them?

180
00:05:22,767 --> 00:05:24,561
Look in your hand.

181
00:05:27,356 --> 00:05:29,649
It's Valentine's, buddy.

182
00:05:29,649 --> 00:05:32,194
Be mine.

183
00:05:33,945 --> 00:05:35,364
Ahem.

184
00:05:35,364 --> 00:05:38,116
Mariah, Abed Nadir.

185
00:05:35,364 --> 00:05:38,116
My associate, Troy Barnes.

186
00:05:38,116 --> 00:05:39,492
Charmed, I'm sure.

187
00:05:39,492 --> 00:05:41,536
You're the guys

188
00:05:39,492 --> 00:05:41,536
who keep staring at me

189
00:05:41,536 --> 00:05:42,787
and yelling out "books"?

190
00:05:42,787 --> 00:05:45,456
The very same.

191
00:05:42,787 --> 00:05:45,456
We're both interested

192
00:05:45,456 --> 00:05:48,043
in taking you to the dance.

193
00:05:45,456 --> 00:05:48,043
We are also best friends.

194
00:05:48,043 --> 00:05:50,212
It is important

195
00:05:48,043 --> 00:05:50,212
we protect that friendship

196
00:05:50,212 --> 00:05:51,838
from the stresses

197
00:05:50,212 --> 00:05:51,838
of courting.

198
00:05:51,838 --> 00:05:53,506
So we're trying to be direct.

199
00:05:53,506 --> 00:05:55,466
Will you go to the dance

200
00:05:53,506 --> 00:05:55,466
with one of us,

201
00:05:55,466 --> 00:05:57,552
and if so, which one?

202
00:05:57,552 --> 00:05:59,554
We need to get

203
00:05:57,552 --> 00:05:59,554
something straight first.

204
00:05:59,554 --> 00:06:02,599
This is the cutest thing

205
00:05:59,554 --> 00:06:02,599
that's ever happened to me.

206
00:06:02,599 --> 00:06:05,185
But I don't know

207
00:06:02,599 --> 00:06:05,185
either one of you.

208
00:06:05,185 --> 00:06:07,062
Give us a moment.

209
00:06:11,191 --> 00:06:13,151
New proposal:

210
00:06:11,191 --> 00:06:13,151
Get to know us at the dance

211
00:06:13,151 --> 00:06:15,820
and decide which of us

212
00:06:13,151 --> 00:06:15,820
you'd like to see again.

213
00:06:15,820 --> 00:06:17,072
Okay, deal.

214
00:06:17,072 --> 00:06:18,489
Nice.

215
00:06:18,489 --> 00:06:19,991
What's in the briefcase?

216
00:06:19,991 --> 00:06:22,786
Oh, tacos.

217
00:06:22,786 --> 00:06:24,037
You want one?

218
00:06:24,037 --> 00:06:25,205
No.

219
00:06:25,205 --> 00:06:27,165
Great,

220
00:06:25,205 --> 00:06:27,165
we really wanted them.

221
00:06:27,165 --> 00:06:29,000
Yeah, we're gonna eat them.

222
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:31,669
So, like, would you change

223
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:31,669
clothes in front of her?

224
00:06:31,669 --> 00:06:33,380
Annie,

225
00:06:33,380 --> 00:06:36,300
I know your lack of world

226
00:06:33,380 --> 00:06:36,300
experience creates curiosity,

227
00:06:36,300 --> 00:06:37,550
but questions like that

228
00:06:37,550 --> 00:06:39,303
can make you seem

229
00:06:37,550 --> 00:06:39,303
a bit homophobic.

230
00:06:39,303 --> 00:06:41,263
It's homophobic to ask?

231
00:06:41,263 --> 00:06:43,974
If you have to ask if it's

232
00:06:41,263 --> 00:06:43,974
homophobic to ask questions,

233
00:06:43,974 --> 00:06:46,435
haven't you already answered

234
00:06:43,974 --> 00:06:46,435
your own question?

235
00:06:46,435 --> 00:06:49,478
Have I?

236
00:06:46,435 --> 00:06:49,478
Don't know. Not a homophobe.

237
00:06:49,478 --> 00:06:51,231
Oh.

238
00:06:51,231 --> 00:06:53,150
Oh, there's Page.

239
00:06:53,150 --> 00:06:56,445
Should I ask her 500 questions

240
00:06:53,150 --> 00:06:56,445
about being a lesbian?

241
00:06:56,445 --> 00:06:58,696
Or should I just treat her

242
00:06:56,445 --> 00:06:58,696
like a normal person?

243
00:06:58,696 --> 00:07:02,117
That's a question

244
00:06:58,696 --> 00:07:02,117
you can ask.

245
00:07:03,534 --> 00:07:06,037
Hey, how are you?

246
00:07:03,534 --> 00:07:06,037
What's going on?

247
00:07:07,122 --> 00:07:10,541
Hey.

248
00:07:07,122 --> 00:07:10,541
Hi.

249
00:07:10,541 --> 00:07:13,086
I'm not a lesbian.

250
00:07:10,541 --> 00:07:13,086
Oh.

251
00:07:13,086 --> 00:07:14,879
I'm not either.

252
00:07:13,086 --> 00:07:14,879
Oh.

253
00:07:14,879 --> 00:07:17,215
But it's cool

254
00:07:14,879 --> 00:07:17,215
that you're friends with one.

255
00:07:17,215 --> 00:07:19,592
Oh. Page isn't a lesbian.

256
00:07:19,592 --> 00:07:21,594
She just likes hanging out

257
00:07:19,592 --> 00:07:21,594
with Britta.

258
00:07:21,594 --> 00:07:24,431
It makes her feel cool to have

259
00:07:21,594 --> 00:07:24,431
a lesbian friend. Heh, heh.

260
00:07:24,431 --> 00:07:26,183
But Britta's not a lesbian.

261
00:07:26,183 --> 00:07:28,893
She thinks that Page is.

262
00:07:32,063 --> 00:07:33,815
Guess what, Annie.

263
00:07:33,815 --> 00:07:36,818
Page and I are going

264
00:07:33,815 --> 00:07:36,818
to the dance together.

265
00:07:36,818 --> 00:07:38,778
Hope I stay straight, right?

266
00:07:40,864 --> 00:07:43,741
My friend's a tad homophobic,

267
00:07:40,864 --> 00:07:43,741
so I was doing a bit.

268
00:07:43,741 --> 00:07:45,576
Oh...

269
00:07:43,741 --> 00:07:45,576
Heh.

270
00:07:47,787 --> 00:07:49,747
Bye.

271
00:07:51,916 --> 00:07:53,668
Pretty exciting

272
00:07:51,916 --> 00:07:53,668
first half.

273
00:07:53,668 --> 00:07:56,171
Yeah, zero-zero.

274
00:07:53,668 --> 00:07:56,171
Electrifying.

275
00:07:56,171 --> 00:07:59,299
Worried that your six-headed

276
00:07:56,171 --> 00:07:59,299
ball and chain will be calling?

277
00:07:59,299 --> 00:08:01,801
Fine.

278
00:08:04,221 --> 00:08:06,473
That's better, you big slut.

279
00:08:13,146 --> 00:08:14,731
It's Chang.

280
00:08:14,731 --> 00:08:15,982
Chang? Why?

281
00:08:15,982 --> 00:08:18,651
I don't know.

282
00:08:15,982 --> 00:08:18,651
I can hear you guys.

283
00:08:18,651 --> 00:08:20,153
What are you doing here?

284
00:08:20,153 --> 00:08:21,612
How do you know

285
00:08:20,153 --> 00:08:21,612
where I live?

286
00:08:21,612 --> 00:08:23,365
I can answer

287
00:08:21,612 --> 00:08:23,365
both of those questions

288
00:08:23,365 --> 00:08:25,450
by returning

289
00:08:23,365 --> 00:08:25,450
your driver's license.

290
00:08:28,870 --> 00:08:31,373
Ah. There it is.

291
00:08:31,373 --> 00:08:33,291
Man U

292
00:08:31,373 --> 00:08:33,291
versus Liverpool.

293
00:08:33,291 --> 00:08:36,669
For God's sakes, let him in.

294
00:08:33,291 --> 00:08:36,669
He's wearing the right colors.

295
00:08:36,669 --> 00:08:38,171
Come in.

296
00:08:38,171 --> 00:08:39,423
Don't mind if I Chang.

297
00:08:39,423 --> 00:08:42,175
Hey, hey.

298
00:08:39,423 --> 00:08:42,175
Hey, man, check this out.

299
00:08:42,175 --> 00:08:44,844
Ya-tah!

300
00:08:54,187 --> 00:08:57,315
The thing I was going to show

301
00:08:54,187 --> 00:08:57,315
you guys was pretty cool.

302
00:08:57,315 --> 00:08:59,359
I'm ignoring you

303
00:08:57,315 --> 00:08:59,359
and watching soccer.

304
00:08:59,359 --> 00:09:00,860
Just sit down, Chang.

305
00:09:00,860 --> 00:09:03,196
There's space for three

306
00:09:00,860 --> 00:09:03,196
fannies on this sofa.

307
00:09:03,196 --> 00:09:05,323
In England,

308
00:09:03,196 --> 00:09:05,323
fanny means "vagina," right?

309
00:09:05,323 --> 00:09:07,451
In England, everything

310
00:09:05,323 --> 00:09:07,451
means "vagina."

311
00:09:09,786 --> 00:09:11,371
I'm gonna make it up to you.

312
00:09:11,371 --> 00:09:14,791
Even though, like I said,

313
00:09:11,371 --> 00:09:14,791
weird place to put a lamp.

314
00:09:14,791 --> 00:09:16,501
But let me order a pizza.

315
00:09:16,501 --> 00:09:17,835
Ooh, I love pizza.

316
00:09:17,835 --> 00:09:20,046
In England, we call them

317
00:09:17,835 --> 00:09:20,046
"Italian fannies."

318
00:09:20,046 --> 00:09:22,340
I'm hooking us up.

319
00:09:20,046 --> 00:09:22,340
Celly.

320
00:09:22,340 --> 00:09:23,841
Uh, go use the landline.

321
00:09:23,841 --> 00:09:26,470
Landline?

322
00:09:23,841 --> 00:09:26,470
Okay, Grandma Bell.

323
00:09:28,346 --> 00:09:31,849
Star-Burns. It's Chang.

324
00:09:31,849 --> 00:09:34,060
Remember that pizza

325
00:09:31,849 --> 00:09:34,060
you owe me?

326
00:09:34,060 --> 00:09:36,229
Well, it's time to pay up.

327
00:09:36,229 --> 00:09:40,024
Party at Winger's tonight.

328
00:09:40,024 --> 00:09:41,443
Yeah, you can tell people.

329
00:09:41,443 --> 00:09:43,736
Cool. Cool.

330
00:09:43,736 --> 00:09:46,114
Wingding at Wingers.

331
00:09:43,736 --> 00:09:46,114
Wingding at Wingers.

332
00:09:46,114 --> 00:09:47,491
So, Mariah,

333
00:09:47,491 --> 00:09:49,742
what you get with me

334
00:09:47,491 --> 00:09:49,742
is the complete package.

335
00:09:49,742 --> 00:09:51,995
HBO, Showtime,

336
00:09:49,742 --> 00:09:51,995
Starz, Starz Black.

337
00:09:51,995 --> 00:09:53,663
Sounds expensive.

338
00:09:53,663 --> 00:09:56,916
If you go with me, you can

339
00:09:53,663 --> 00:09:56,916
expect this on the dance floor.

340
00:10:02,088 --> 00:10:05,258
Go, go, go.

341
00:10:09,804 --> 00:10:11,598
I feel

342
00:10:09,804 --> 00:10:11,598
like everyone's staring.

343
00:10:11,598 --> 00:10:12,765
Not that I care.

344
00:10:12,765 --> 00:10:14,476
Well,

345
00:10:12,765 --> 00:10:14,476
of course they're staring.

346
00:10:14,476 --> 00:10:16,769
They've probably never seen

347
00:10:14,476 --> 00:10:16,769
a straight girl

348
00:10:16,769 --> 00:10:18,729
and a lesbian

349
00:10:16,769 --> 00:10:18,729
so comfortable together.

350
00:10:18,729 --> 00:10:21,316
Exactly.

351
00:10:21,316 --> 00:10:23,026
Those two

352
00:10:21,316 --> 00:10:23,026
were talking about us.

353
00:10:23,026 --> 00:10:26,029
Well, let's give them something

354
00:10:23,026 --> 00:10:26,029
to really talk about.

355
00:10:27,071 --> 00:10:28,906
Let's do it.

356
00:10:27,071 --> 00:10:28,906
Okay.

357
00:10:32,577 --> 00:10:35,455
Excuse us.

358
00:10:32,577 --> 00:10:35,455
Thanks. Sorry.

359
00:10:44,172 --> 00:10:45,674
Cool music, huh?

360
00:10:50,470 --> 00:10:51,888
Oh, nice call, ref.

361
00:10:51,888 --> 00:10:53,806
Bite my banger.

362
00:10:53,806 --> 00:10:56,393
Jeff, something's up

363
00:10:53,806 --> 00:10:56,393
with your toothbrush, man.

364
00:10:56,393 --> 00:10:58,687
What the hell?

365
00:10:56,393 --> 00:10:58,687
I had to get cleaned up.

366
00:10:58,687 --> 00:11:00,313
Why?

367
00:11:01,439 --> 00:11:03,358
Oh, yeah.

368
00:11:01,439 --> 00:11:03,358
Yeah.

369
00:11:03,358 --> 00:11:05,109
Pizza time.

370
00:11:05,109 --> 00:11:07,529
Leonard?

371
00:11:05,109 --> 00:11:07,529
Where are the white women at?

372
00:11:07,529 --> 00:11:09,780
No. There are no

373
00:11:07,529 --> 00:11:09,780
white women here, Leonard.

374
00:11:09,780 --> 00:11:10,948
This is not a party.

375
00:11:10,948 --> 00:11:12,576
Don't tell that to Magnitude.

376
00:11:12,576 --> 00:11:14,035
Who's Magnitude?

377
00:11:14,035 --> 00:11:17,038
Yo, yo, yo. Pop, pop!

378
00:11:17,038 --> 00:11:19,874
Ha, ha, ha!

379
00:11:17,038 --> 00:11:19,874
Pop, pop! Bam!

380
00:11:19,874 --> 00:11:21,042
Bam!

381
00:11:21,042 --> 00:11:22,793
Come on in. What's up?

382
00:11:22,793 --> 00:11:25,338
Oh, yeah, dog.

383
00:11:22,793 --> 00:11:25,338
Looking good.

384
00:11:25,338 --> 00:11:28,966
That is my analysis

385
00:11:25,338 --> 00:11:28,966
of the Saw movie franchise.

386
00:11:28,966 --> 00:11:30,260
That about does it.

387
00:11:30,260 --> 00:11:32,637
So I think it's time

388
00:11:30,260 --> 00:11:32,637
for you to choose.

389
00:11:35,181 --> 00:11:37,642
Abed, could you get us

390
00:11:35,181 --> 00:11:37,642
some punch?

391
00:11:37,642 --> 00:11:39,060
On it.

392
00:11:40,103 --> 00:11:42,355
You guys

393
00:11:40,103 --> 00:11:42,355
are really cute together.

394
00:11:43,356 --> 00:11:44,857
Thank you.

395
00:11:44,857 --> 00:11:48,069
But, you know,

396
00:11:44,857 --> 00:11:48,069
having to actually choose, I...

397
00:11:48,069 --> 00:11:49,696
Hey, we both agreed to this.

398
00:11:49,696 --> 00:11:51,822
We're both comfortable

399
00:11:49,696 --> 00:11:51,822
with each other.

400
00:11:51,822 --> 00:11:53,991
So I won't be...

401
00:11:51,822 --> 00:11:53,991
No, I choose you, Troy.

402
00:11:55,118 --> 00:11:56,953
Psssh. Punch.

403
00:11:56,953 --> 00:11:59,539
Hey, Abed.

404
00:11:56,953 --> 00:11:59,539
Hey.

405
00:11:59,539 --> 00:12:03,585
I, um... She just,

406
00:11:59,539 --> 00:12:03,585
uh... She chose me.

407
00:12:04,835 --> 00:12:06,879
Cool.

408
00:12:04,835 --> 00:12:06,879
You can have this, then.

409
00:12:06,879 --> 00:12:09,215
Thank you, Mariah.

410
00:12:06,879 --> 00:12:09,215
Have a great night.

411
00:12:16,556 --> 00:12:19,643
Great.

412
00:12:16,556 --> 00:12:19,643
Pierce?

413
00:12:19,643 --> 00:12:21,519
You go straight to hell!

414
00:12:21,519 --> 00:12:22,979
Wha...? Uh...

415
00:12:22,979 --> 00:12:25,022
Heh. Oh, I'm sorry.

416
00:12:25,022 --> 00:12:26,691
I don't know,

417
00:12:26,691 --> 00:12:29,444
I've been going through

418
00:12:26,691 --> 00:12:29,444
all these mood swings lately.

419
00:12:29,444 --> 00:12:31,988
You understand

420
00:12:29,444 --> 00:12:31,988
we care about you, right?

421
00:12:31,988 --> 00:12:33,990
Hm.

422
00:12:33,990 --> 00:12:36,033
Okay.

423
00:12:37,327 --> 00:12:39,496
Well, look. Here's the deal.

424
00:12:39,496 --> 00:12:42,582
I am not sharing you

425
00:12:39,496 --> 00:12:42,582
with them.

426
00:12:42,582 --> 00:12:44,208
So before this goes further,

427
00:12:45,376 --> 00:12:48,921
you have a choice to make,

428
00:12:45,376 --> 00:12:48,921
my friend.

429
00:12:50,799 --> 00:12:52,759
Ha, ha!

430
00:12:50,799 --> 00:12:52,759
Look at the lesbians.

431
00:12:55,928 --> 00:12:57,221
Lesbians!

432
00:12:57,221 --> 00:12:59,223
Screw you.

433
00:12:57,221 --> 00:12:59,223
Screw you.

434
00:13:01,184 --> 00:13:02,393
Heh.

435
00:13:01,184 --> 00:13:02,393
Heh.

436
00:13:02,393 --> 00:13:04,061
I...

437
00:13:02,393 --> 00:13:04,061
No, no.

438
00:13:04,061 --> 00:13:06,439
I don't care what they say.

439
00:13:04,061 --> 00:13:06,439
Oh, I don't either.

440
00:13:06,439 --> 00:13:08,441
I wish it wasn't such

441
00:13:06,439 --> 00:13:08,441
an issue for them.

442
00:13:08,441 --> 00:13:10,527
Yeah, but that starts

443
00:13:08,441 --> 00:13:10,527
with us.

444
00:13:11,736 --> 00:13:13,655
That starts with us.

445
00:13:27,502 --> 00:13:29,671
I've never done this before.

446
00:13:27,502 --> 00:13:29,671
Me neither.

447
00:13:29,671 --> 00:13:32,131
Wait, what?

448
00:13:29,671 --> 00:13:32,131
Wait, what?

449
00:13:32,131 --> 00:13:34,217
Bring it.

450
00:13:34,217 --> 00:13:39,222
So curious about one thing.

451
00:13:39,222 --> 00:13:40,598
What was wrong with Abed?

452
00:13:40,598 --> 00:13:42,141
Well, I mean,

453
00:13:42,141 --> 00:13:44,477
he did talk about

454
00:13:42,141 --> 00:13:44,477
the Saw movies for two hours.

455
00:13:44,477 --> 00:13:47,731
But there are eight of them

456
00:13:44,477 --> 00:13:47,731
and they're two hours apiece.

457
00:13:47,731 --> 00:13:49,649
The first one

458
00:13:47,731 --> 00:13:49,649
did redefine the genre...

459
00:13:49,649 --> 00:13:52,235
Troy, I would love

460
00:13:49,649 --> 00:13:52,235
to be his friend.

461
00:13:52,235 --> 00:13:54,111
I know you would,

462
00:13:52,235 --> 00:13:54,111
it's incredible.

463
00:13:54,111 --> 00:13:55,697
But romantically, he's...

464
00:13:56,781 --> 00:13:58,742
You know.

465
00:14:00,785 --> 00:14:04,831
I hate her, I hate her,

466
00:14:00,785 --> 00:14:04,831
I hate her!

467
00:14:04,831 --> 00:14:07,375
What happened?

468
00:14:04,831 --> 00:14:07,375
She called you weird.

469
00:14:07,375 --> 00:14:09,293
I am weird.

470
00:14:07,375 --> 00:14:09,293
Not as weird as her.

471
00:14:09,293 --> 00:14:11,379
Who the hell

472
00:14:09,293 --> 00:14:11,379
is Nicholas Nickleby?

473
00:14:11,379 --> 00:14:13,381
She wouldn't shut up

474
00:14:11,379 --> 00:14:13,381
about it.

475
00:14:13,381 --> 00:14:15,341
Hm. I know.

476
00:14:16,843 --> 00:14:19,470
There's someone out there

477
00:14:16,843 --> 00:14:19,470
for us.

478
00:14:20,513 --> 00:14:21,848
Happy Valentine's Day.

479
00:14:21,848 --> 00:14:23,767
It is now.

480
00:14:32,149 --> 00:14:34,569
Ignore her.

481
00:14:32,149 --> 00:14:34,569
Okay.

482
00:14:34,569 --> 00:14:37,113
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING

483
00:14:34,569 --> 00:14:37,113
ON SPEAKERS]

484
00:14:37,113 --> 00:14:40,533
It's weird, but I've never heard

485
00:14:37,113 --> 00:14:40,533
of Magnitude before tonight.

486
00:14:40,533 --> 00:14:42,159
He's a one-man party.

487
00:14:42,159 --> 00:14:44,370
You're always busy

488
00:14:42,159 --> 00:14:44,370
with your study group.

489
00:14:44,370 --> 00:14:46,205
Well, he's not

490
00:14:44,370 --> 00:14:46,205
with them tonight.

491
00:14:46,205 --> 00:14:48,040
Ha, ha, ha.

492
00:14:46,205 --> 00:14:48,040
Oh, yeah!

493
00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:50,209
I thought you quit drinking,

494
00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:50,209
Duncan.

495
00:14:50,209 --> 00:14:51,836
False alarm on that one.

496
00:14:51,836 --> 00:14:53,254
Oh, yeah.

497
00:14:53,254 --> 00:14:55,214
Pop, pop.

498
00:14:55,214 --> 00:14:57,258
Pop, pop.

499
00:14:55,214 --> 00:14:57,258
Pop, pop.

500
00:14:57,258 --> 00:14:58,968
Pop, pop. Pop, pop...

501
00:14:58,968 --> 00:15:01,011
CHANG & MAGNITUDE:

502
00:14:58,968 --> 00:15:01,011
Yo! Yo! Yo...

503
00:15:01,011 --> 00:15:03,973
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING

504
00:15:01,011 --> 00:15:03,973
ON SPEAKERS]

505
00:15:03,973 --> 00:15:05,850
I never said

506
00:15:03,973 --> 00:15:05,850
I was a lesbian.

507
00:15:05,850 --> 00:15:07,602
Why didn't you just ask me?

508
00:15:07,602 --> 00:15:08,978
What am I, a homophobe?

509
00:15:08,978 --> 00:15:11,272
I don't care

510
00:15:08,978 --> 00:15:11,272
about people's preferences.

511
00:15:11,272 --> 00:15:12,982
You so care.

512
00:15:12,982 --> 00:15:15,944
You were hanging out with me

513
00:15:12,982 --> 00:15:15,944
because you thought I was gay.

514
00:15:15,944 --> 00:15:18,028
So, what you were doing

515
00:15:15,944 --> 00:15:18,028
with me?

516
00:15:18,028 --> 00:15:21,073
Hey, what does it matter,

517
00:15:18,028 --> 00:15:21,073
you know? We're both just humans

518
00:15:21,073 --> 00:15:23,534
trying to make our way

519
00:15:21,073 --> 00:15:23,534
through this crazy world.

520
00:15:23,534 --> 00:15:25,411
You're the worst.

521
00:15:25,411 --> 00:15:26,913
What?

522
00:15:25,411 --> 00:15:26,913
For the record,

523
00:15:26,913 --> 00:15:28,581
I never thought

524
00:15:26,913 --> 00:15:28,581
you were cool.

525
00:15:28,581 --> 00:15:30,541
I only thought

526
00:15:28,581 --> 00:15:30,541
you were a lesbian.

527
00:15:39,175 --> 00:15:40,593
Page is straight.

528
00:15:41,552 --> 00:15:42,971
Really?

529
00:15:44,054 --> 00:15:47,057
Well, when she was gay,

530
00:15:47,057 --> 00:15:49,769
I thought it was really cool

531
00:15:47,057 --> 00:15:49,769
of you to make out with her.

532
00:15:49,769 --> 00:15:52,814
Thanks, Annie.

533
00:15:54,398 --> 00:15:56,359
Come on. Kiss her!

534
00:15:57,276 --> 00:15:59,028
Annie.

535
00:16:00,655 --> 00:16:03,282
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING

536
00:16:00,655 --> 00:16:03,282
ON SPEAKERS]

537
00:16:03,282 --> 00:16:05,994
Oh, thanks, man.

538
00:16:03,282 --> 00:16:05,994
Just leave those.

539
00:16:05,994 --> 00:16:09,413
I'll get them in the morning.

540
00:16:05,994 --> 00:16:09,413
Oh, it's okay.

541
00:16:10,373 --> 00:16:12,000
Are you wearing

542
00:16:10,373 --> 00:16:12,000
my underwear?

543
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:14,377
Oh. I needed a pair

544
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:14,377
while I did some laundry here.

545
00:16:14,377 --> 00:16:16,671
I don't have

546
00:16:14,377 --> 00:16:16,671
a washing machine.

547
00:16:18,715 --> 00:16:20,508
What the hell?

548
00:16:20,508 --> 00:16:22,301
Don't get mad,

549
00:16:20,508 --> 00:16:22,301
don't get mad.

550
00:16:23,260 --> 00:16:25,262
I'm homeless, Jeff.

551
00:16:25,262 --> 00:16:27,431
When my wife found out

552
00:16:25,262 --> 00:16:27,431
about Shirley and me,

553
00:16:27,431 --> 00:16:30,018
she kicked me out.

554
00:16:27,431 --> 00:16:30,018
For good this time.

555
00:16:30,018 --> 00:16:33,396
My whole life

556
00:16:30,018 --> 00:16:33,396
is in this dishwasher, man.

557
00:16:33,396 --> 00:16:37,942
Well, some of it's

558
00:16:33,396 --> 00:16:37,942
also soaking in your bathtub.

559
00:16:37,942 --> 00:16:39,861
Oh, so wasted and sleepy.

560
00:16:39,861 --> 00:16:42,363
You know, I should

561
00:16:39,861 --> 00:16:42,363
probably just crash here

562
00:16:42,363 --> 00:16:44,365
and, you know,

563
00:16:42,363 --> 00:16:44,365
I can start looking

564
00:16:44,365 --> 00:16:45,783
for a place in the morning.

565
00:16:46,993 --> 00:16:48,202
What?

566
00:16:48,202 --> 00:16:49,996
You orchestrated

567
00:16:48,202 --> 00:16:49,996
this entire party

568
00:16:49,996 --> 00:16:51,998
so you could weasel

569
00:16:49,996 --> 00:16:51,998
into staying here.

570
00:16:51,998 --> 00:16:53,457
You weren't gonna notice.

571
00:16:53,457 --> 00:16:55,084
Don't kill the messenger,

572
00:16:55,084 --> 00:16:58,046
but you have four hermit crabs

573
00:16:55,084 --> 00:16:58,046
in your bathroom sink.

574
00:16:58,046 --> 00:17:00,840
You'll fall in love with them.

575
00:16:58,046 --> 00:17:00,840
I named one Jeff.

576
00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:02,592
How long

577
00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:02,592
were you gonna stay?

578
00:17:02,592 --> 00:17:05,135
Just a month, three tops.

579
00:17:06,262 --> 00:17:08,222
I mean,

580
00:17:06,262 --> 00:17:08,222
how long is our lease?

581
00:17:09,891 --> 00:17:12,309
Uh... Uh...

582
00:17:17,147 --> 00:17:19,025
Way to go, idiots!

583
00:17:24,447 --> 00:17:26,699
All right, everybody out.

584
00:17:24,447 --> 00:17:26,699
I'm not kidding.

585
00:17:26,699 --> 00:17:28,785
It's been very interesting

586
00:17:28,785 --> 00:17:31,871
getting to know you all

587
00:17:28,785 --> 00:17:31,871
much, much better.

588
00:17:31,871 --> 00:17:35,959
Star-Burns. Leonard.

589
00:17:31,871 --> 00:17:35,959
Magnitude. Pop, pop.

590
00:17:35,959 --> 00:17:38,502
Swizzle. Scandalous.

591
00:17:35,959 --> 00:17:38,502
C Dubbs.

592
00:17:38,502 --> 00:17:41,380
Tim.

593
00:17:38,502 --> 00:17:41,380
Mighty D, Glisten.

594
00:17:41,380 --> 00:17:44,884
Good night, everyone.

595
00:17:41,380 --> 00:17:44,884
Faster. Move it. Thank you.

596
00:17:44,884 --> 00:17:48,096
Well, I hope you found

597
00:17:44,884 --> 00:17:48,096
tonight therapeutic.

598
00:17:48,096 --> 00:17:51,599
Because I would love to pretend

599
00:17:48,096 --> 00:17:51,599
that that was my plan.

600
00:17:51,599 --> 00:17:53,225
I actually started

601
00:17:51,599 --> 00:17:53,225
to have fun

602
00:17:53,225 --> 00:17:54,978
until that maniac

603
00:17:53,225 --> 00:17:54,978
tried to move in.

604
00:17:54,978 --> 00:17:58,188
What is it about me that makes

605
00:17:54,978 --> 00:17:58,188
broken people flock to me?

606
00:17:58,188 --> 00:17:59,774
Is it my height?

607
00:17:59,774 --> 00:18:02,485
Do huddled masses mistake me

608
00:17:59,774 --> 00:18:02,485
for the Statue of Liberty?

609
00:18:02,485 --> 00:18:05,571
I don't know, but being as how

610
00:18:02,485 --> 00:18:05,571
you are halfway through

611
00:18:05,571 --> 00:18:07,323
your second year

612
00:18:05,571 --> 00:18:07,323
at Greendale,

613
00:18:07,323 --> 00:18:10,034
you may want

614
00:18:07,323 --> 00:18:10,034
to either stop resisting,

615
00:18:10,034 --> 00:18:13,037
or admit that you're actually

616
00:18:10,034 --> 00:18:13,037
starting to enjoy it.

617
00:18:13,037 --> 00:18:14,288
Well, you assume I enjoy it

618
00:18:14,288 --> 00:18:16,373
because you think

619
00:18:14,288 --> 00:18:16,373
you'd enjoy it.

620
00:18:16,373 --> 00:18:20,210
It's true, I am very lonely.

621
00:18:22,212 --> 00:18:24,090
You want a nice little taste

622
00:18:24,090 --> 00:18:26,258
of what you're missing

623
00:18:24,090 --> 00:18:26,258
in a relationship

624
00:18:26,258 --> 00:18:27,468
with six nutcases?

625
00:18:27,468 --> 00:18:29,219
Yeah.

626
00:18:27,468 --> 00:18:29,219
Let's turn on my phone

627
00:18:29,219 --> 00:18:32,348
and listen to the 39 messages

628
00:18:29,219 --> 00:18:32,348
they left tonight.

629
00:18:32,348 --> 00:18:34,100
Hello.

630
00:18:34,100 --> 00:18:36,435
You have no new messages.

631
00:18:37,311 --> 00:18:40,648
Hm. That's...

632
00:18:40,648 --> 00:18:42,274
Hm.

633
00:18:42,274 --> 00:18:43,776
Since you got it turned on,

634
00:18:43,776 --> 00:18:46,029
why don't you call me

635
00:18:43,776 --> 00:18:46,029
a cab and then pay for it?

636
00:18:46,029 --> 00:18:48,114
They must be in some kind

637
00:18:46,029 --> 00:18:48,114
of trouble.

638
00:18:49,157 --> 00:18:52,368
Ah. What a relief

639
00:18:49,157 --> 00:18:52,368
that would be.

640
00:18:53,953 --> 00:18:55,579
Tell you what.

641
00:18:53,953 --> 00:18:55,579
If you need me,

642
00:18:55,579 --> 00:18:58,708
I'm gonna be waiting

643
00:18:55,579 --> 00:18:58,708
for my cab down here.

644
00:18:59,625 --> 00:19:01,961
I'll have a special nap.

645
00:19:11,929 --> 00:19:13,848
Oh!

646
00:19:28,278 --> 00:19:30,698
Thanks, bro,

647
00:19:28,278 --> 00:19:30,698
I'll be gone in the morning.

648
00:19:30,698 --> 00:19:32,616
Yeah, whatever.

649
00:19:32,616 --> 00:19:35,369
Okay,

650
00:19:32,616 --> 00:19:35,369
maybe I'll stay a while.

651
00:19:37,830 --> 00:19:40,416
Thirsty.

652
00:19:37,830 --> 00:19:40,416
Don't push it.

653
00:19:40,416 --> 00:19:42,126
All right.

654
00:19:42,126 --> 00:19:44,045
It might not shock you guys

655
00:19:44,045 --> 00:19:46,380
to hear the real reason

656
00:19:44,045 --> 00:19:46,380
we had a fight today.

657
00:19:47,715 --> 00:19:49,675
It wasn't about

658
00:19:47,715 --> 00:19:49,675
the Barenaked Ladies.

659
00:19:49,675 --> 00:19:52,386
Although I do have

660
00:19:49,675 --> 00:19:52,386
some unresolved issues there.

661
00:19:52,386 --> 00:19:55,139
Caring about a person

662
00:19:52,386 --> 00:19:55,139
can be scary.

663
00:19:55,139 --> 00:19:57,725
Caring about six people

664
00:19:55,139 --> 00:19:57,725
can be a horrifying,

665
00:19:57,725 --> 00:19:59,018
embarrassing nightmare.

666
00:19:59,018 --> 00:20:00,686
At least for me.

667
00:20:00,686 --> 00:20:04,774
But if I can't say it today,

668
00:20:00,686 --> 00:20:04,774
when can I say it?

669
00:20:04,774 --> 00:20:06,567
I love you guys.

670
00:20:06,567 --> 00:20:09,820
Oh, and Pierce?

671
00:20:06,567 --> 00:20:09,820
Take it from an expert.

672
00:20:09,820 --> 00:20:12,990
These knuckleheads

673
00:20:09,820 --> 00:20:12,990
are right outside your heart.

674
00:20:12,990 --> 00:20:14,742
Let them in.

675
00:20:14,742 --> 00:20:16,953
Before it's too late.

676
00:20:18,037 --> 00:20:19,997
Happy Valentine's Day.

677
00:20:27,588 --> 00:20:30,758
Be mine.

678
00:20:27,588 --> 00:20:30,758
Right. Yes.

679
00:20:34,303 --> 00:20:36,931
Love you.

680
00:20:34,303 --> 00:20:36,931
Amazing.

681
00:20:41,144 --> 00:20:43,271
You're cute?

682
00:20:41,144 --> 00:20:43,271
Hm.

683
00:20:43,271 --> 00:20:44,939
No, wait.

684
00:20:46,315 --> 00:20:48,859
Kiss me.

685
00:20:46,315 --> 00:20:48,859
There has got to be a way

686
00:20:48,859 --> 00:20:51,445
to make money off of this.

687
00:20:54,282 --> 00:20:56,200
I've been cheating.

688
00:20:59,078 --> 00:21:02,498
No, it says, "E-mail me."