1
00:00:03,977 --> 00:00:06,104
Anyone know how long
it takes papier-màché to dry?

2
00:00:06,396 --> 00:00:08,940
Longer than it took Duncan
to think up this assignment.

3
00:00:09,232 --> 00:00:11,735
I think he's gonna
appreciate the work we did

4
00:00:12,027 --> 00:00:13,403
expanding
our evolutionary chart.

5
00:00:13,695 --> 00:00:16,198
Oh, Britta, can you hold up
the final stage of humanity?

6
00:00:16,490 --> 00:00:18,825
I still think man
is gonna evolve into woman.

7
00:00:19,117 --> 00:00:21,203
Not a dragon monster
with three legs.

8
00:00:21,495 --> 00:00:23,288
Three legs?

9
00:00:23,580 --> 00:00:25,040
Well, it's been real.

10
00:00:25,332 --> 00:00:26,541
At least the paste smell has.

11
00:00:26,833 --> 00:00:28,001
But I have a date to catch.

12
00:00:28,293 --> 00:00:30,128
Or should I say a catch to date.

13
00:00:30,420 --> 00:00:32,214
Oof. I hope you just
came up with that.

14
00:00:32,506 --> 00:00:34,216
Look out, drive-by deaning.

15
00:00:34,508 --> 00:00:35,676
I'm kidding.

16
00:00:35,967 --> 00:00:37,719
Just a non-violent,
verbal reminder.

17
00:00:38,011 --> 00:00:40,806
The local shelter is having
a Puppy Parade this afternoon.

18
00:00:41,098 --> 00:00:43,558
Aw.
Oh, I wanna lick it.

19
00:00:43,850 --> 00:00:46,269
I expect all of you
to lend a paw.

20
00:00:46,561 --> 00:00:47,854
Heh, heh.
Except you, Jeffrey.

21
00:00:48,146 --> 00:00:50,023
I know you've got
a catch to date.

22
00:00:50,315 --> 00:00:52,609
Oh, like you're famous
for your wit.

23
00:00:52,901 --> 00:00:54,069
Puppy Parade?
I am in.

24
00:00:54,361 --> 00:00:56,863
I wanna see if those
wiener dogs are born that way,

25
00:00:57,155 --> 00:00:59,574
or if they start off normal
and then get wiener.

26
00:00:59,866 --> 00:01:01,284
Abed, did you pick up my pen?

27
00:01:01,576 --> 00:01:02,828
It's purple with a gel grip.

28
00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:05,038
Nope. I'm strictly
mechanical pencils.

29
00:01:05,330 --> 00:01:07,708
More relatable?
It was just here.

30
00:01:07,999 --> 00:01:10,502
You okay, Annie?
Chocolate?

31
00:01:10,794 --> 00:01:12,462
Can I push you
to the parade, Pierce?

32
00:01:12,754 --> 00:01:15,340
No, thanks. I don't want people
to see me as a handicap.

33
00:01:15,632 --> 00:01:19,052
If anything, this chair
makes me more than a human.

34
00:01:22,806 --> 00:01:24,725
You move it by blowing
into this tube.

35
00:01:25,016 --> 00:01:26,059
It's the most expensive one.

36
00:01:26,351 --> 00:01:28,520
I outbid three hospitals
for this baby,

37
00:01:28,812 --> 00:01:31,231
and it was worth every penny.

38
00:01:35,652 --> 00:01:38,196
Oh. Oh.

39
00:01:40,991 --> 00:01:42,784
Wait.
Please, just wait.

40
00:01:43,076 --> 00:01:45,871
I'm sorry, but I need to know
who took my pen.

41
00:01:46,163 --> 00:01:47,789
Uh...

42
00:01:48,081 --> 00:01:50,083
Sorry, I don't see it.

43
00:01:50,375 --> 00:01:52,419
Yeah, sorry, Annie.

44
00:01:52,711 --> 00:01:56,423
No. Not "Sorry, Annie."

45
00:01:56,715 --> 00:01:59,634
We passed "Sorry, Annie"
eight pens ago.

46
00:01:59,926 --> 00:02:02,804
I keep bringing pens
and you guys keep taking them,

47
00:02:03,096 --> 00:02:05,474
and I'm afraid
I'm putting my foot down.

48
00:02:05,766 --> 00:02:06,933
Okay.

49
00:02:07,225 --> 00:02:09,519
Now Annie has made it clear
that this is an issue,

50
00:02:09,811 --> 00:02:11,021
so from now on,
we need to be more

51
00:02:11,313 --> 00:02:13,982
respectful of her things, okay?

52
00:02:14,274 --> 00:02:15,192
Okay.
Cool.

53
00:02:33,668 --> 00:02:35,670
All right,
it's not on the floor,

54
00:02:35,962 --> 00:02:37,297
so whoever accidentally took...

55
00:02:37,589 --> 00:02:38,757
Not accidentally.

56
00:02:39,049 --> 00:02:40,592
Accidents don't just happen

57
00:02:40,884 --> 00:02:42,677
over and over
and over again, okay?

58
00:02:42,969 --> 00:02:44,262
This isn't budget day-care.

59
00:02:44,554 --> 00:02:46,431
Okay, whoever insidiously

60
00:02:46,723 --> 00:02:48,308
and with great malice
aforethought

61
00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:49,684
abducted Annie's pen,

62
00:02:49,976 --> 00:02:52,020
confess, repent and relinquish
so we can leave.

63
00:02:52,312 --> 00:02:53,522
Maybe nobody took it.

64
00:02:53,814 --> 00:02:56,024
Sometimes I think I lost
something important,

65
00:02:56,316 --> 00:02:57,943
and it turns out,
I already ate it.

66
00:02:58,235 --> 00:03:00,111
I didn't eat my pen, Troy.

67
00:03:00,403 --> 00:03:02,447
I know I brought it,
and now it's gone.

68
00:03:02,739 --> 00:03:04,908
Ah. I took a photo.

69
00:03:06,034 --> 00:03:07,410
Aha.

70
00:03:07,702 --> 00:03:09,871
Zoom in. See?

71
00:03:10,163 --> 00:03:12,624
See? I took this

72
00:03:12,916 --> 00:03:14,084
My pen was on the table.

73
00:03:14,376 --> 00:03:15,710
No one has come in or out since.

74
00:03:16,002 --> 00:03:19,840
One of you has my pen right now.

75
00:03:20,841 --> 00:03:23,593
Annie, it's a pen.

76
00:03:23,885 --> 00:03:25,846
It's not a pen.
It's a principle.

77
00:03:29,307 --> 00:03:30,892
Not a good time to get gum.
Okay.

78
00:03:31,184 --> 00:03:32,644
Are we going
to the Puppy Parade?

79
00:03:32,936 --> 00:03:34,104
Feels like a bottle episode.

80
00:03:34,396 --> 00:03:35,814
Again with the TV crap.

81
00:03:36,106 --> 00:03:38,191
Hey, meatball,
did you take Annie's pen

82
00:03:38,483 --> 00:03:41,278
to make life more like
Benny Hill or whatever you do?

83
00:03:41,570 --> 00:03:43,446
Abed?
I wouldn't do that.

84
00:03:43,738 --> 00:03:44,739
I hate bottle episodes.

85
00:03:45,031 --> 00:03:46,741
They're emotional nuance.

86
00:03:47,033 --> 00:03:48,827
I might as well sit with
a bucket on my head.

87
00:03:49,119 --> 00:03:50,829
I have a photography project
to finish.

88
00:03:51,121 --> 00:03:52,289
My grandmother's hands

89
00:03:52,581 --> 00:03:54,708
aren't gonna take
close-ups of themselves.

90
00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:56,918
Hasta la later.
Hmph.

91
00:03:57,210 --> 00:03:58,712
Was that "hmph" directed at me?

92
00:03:59,004 --> 00:04:01,339
If the "hmph" fits.
I don't have your pen, Annie.

93
00:04:01,631 --> 00:04:04,593
I'm always lending you supplies.
You never come prepared.

94
00:04:04,885 --> 00:04:06,136
If it's so important,
have my pen.

95
00:04:06,428 --> 00:04:08,471
That's my pen.
Whatever, people.

96
00:04:08,763 --> 00:04:09,848
They're just things.

97
00:04:10,140 --> 00:04:12,267
I don't suppose
you'd mind letting us

98
00:04:12,559 --> 00:04:13,852
take a quick look-see
in your bag?

99
00:04:14,144 --> 00:04:15,520
I'd very much mind, Annie.

100
00:04:15,812 --> 00:04:18,857
There's no such thing as a quick
invasion of civil liberties.

101
00:04:19,149 --> 00:04:21,651
Oh, man.

102
00:04:21,943 --> 00:04:24,237
It starts with a quick look
into someone's bag.

103
00:04:24,529 --> 00:04:26,781
Then it's a brisk peek
at our phone records.

104
00:04:27,073 --> 00:04:28,909
And before you can say 1984,

105
00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:31,202
the Thought Police
are forcy-worcing you

106
00:04:31,494 --> 00:04:32,454
to bend and spread.

107
00:04:32,746 --> 00:04:34,873
Are the Thought Police
gonna make love to us?

108
00:04:35,165 --> 00:04:36,625
They find thoughts in our butts?

109
00:04:36,917 --> 00:04:38,043
I should've read that book.

110
00:04:38,335 --> 00:04:40,879
Stop using the Constitution
as a baby blanket.

111
00:04:41,171 --> 00:04:43,048
She invoked
the Freedom of Information Act

112
00:04:43,340 --> 00:04:45,091
to request photocopies
of my notes.

113
00:04:45,383 --> 00:04:46,426
Heh. That's pretty good.

114
00:04:46,718 --> 00:04:47,928
Well, excuse me for living free.

115
00:04:48,219 --> 00:04:49,846
We all know
the pen's in your bag.

116
00:04:50,138 --> 00:04:53,141
Yeah, come on.
Yeah, come on, just drop it.

117
00:04:57,228 --> 00:04:58,229
Happy?

118
00:04:58,521 --> 00:05:00,523
Not if that's a used Q-tip.
Ew!

119
00:05:00,815 --> 00:05:02,233
- Gross.
- Yes, gross.

120
00:05:02,525 --> 00:05:04,945
Welcome to the gross business
of martial law.

121
00:05:05,236 --> 00:05:07,822
Welcome to what used
to be individuality

122
00:05:08,114 --> 00:05:10,992
seized and disintegrated
by cowardly groupthink.

123
00:05:11,284 --> 00:05:14,245
Welcome, my friends,
welcome to the machine.

124
00:05:14,537 --> 00:05:15,830
It looks like you were wrong.

125
00:05:16,122 --> 00:05:18,583
Britta does come prepared
for one thing.

126
00:05:18,875 --> 00:05:20,669
Or six. Big weekend?

127
00:05:20,961 --> 00:05:23,129
Can't complain.
Razzle pzazzle.

128
00:05:23,421 --> 00:05:25,215
Attention, students.

129
00:05:25,507 --> 00:05:28,009
The Puppy Parade
is starting on the quad.

130
00:05:28,301 --> 00:05:30,971
Come quick. Every moment,
these puppies grow older

131
00:05:31,262 --> 00:05:32,931
and less deserving
of our attention.

132
00:05:33,223 --> 00:05:35,642
Whoa, whoa. Where do you think
you're going?

133
00:05:35,934 --> 00:05:38,853
Have you ever gone to a Puppy
Parade halfway through, Britta?

134
00:05:39,145 --> 00:05:41,564
It is pointless.
Then you clearly stole the pen.

135
00:05:41,856 --> 00:05:43,692
The Patriot Act cuts both ways.

136
00:05:43,984 --> 00:05:46,111
Actually, it's one-sided.
That's the point.

137
00:05:46,403 --> 00:05:47,404
Here's my point.

138
00:05:47,696 --> 00:05:50,198
Whoever the thief is just
watched me get Guantanamoed.

139
00:05:50,490 --> 00:05:52,826
I'd like to know who it is
so I can let them know

140
00:05:53,118 --> 00:05:54,577
they have lost my trust.

141
00:05:54,869 --> 00:05:56,162
It's a bottle episode.

142
00:05:56,454 --> 00:05:58,957
We're sorry we looked
at your prophylactic equipment.

143
00:05:59,249 --> 00:06:01,167
Your mistakes
are none of our business.

144
00:06:01,459 --> 00:06:02,335
Oh, thanks, Shirley.

145
00:06:02,627 --> 00:06:04,796
Let's rustle through
your tampons and wallet

146
00:06:05,088 --> 00:06:06,214
so we can apologize to you.

147
00:06:06,506 --> 00:06:08,466
I'm sure everybody here
knows I don't steal.

148
00:06:08,758 --> 00:06:11,636
Have you checked? If you took it
by mistake, I forgive you.

149
00:06:11,928 --> 00:06:13,096
If I took it, it's larceny.

150
00:06:13,388 --> 00:06:15,598
If you find it under mother hen,
it's a mistake.

151
00:06:15,890 --> 00:06:17,225
Mother hen?
We're the same age.

152
00:06:17,517 --> 00:06:20,145
Sure, unless time is linear.
I'll make your ass linear.

153
00:06:20,437 --> 00:06:22,814
That doesn't make sense.
I'll make your ass sense.

154
00:06:23,106 --> 00:06:24,566
Don't get your panties puckered.

155
00:06:24,858 --> 00:06:26,443
We're all really thinking,

156
00:06:26,735 --> 00:06:28,653
if the culprit is among us,

157
00:06:28,945 --> 00:06:31,239
statistically speaking,
it's Troy.

158
00:06:31,531 --> 00:06:35,535
Yes, we were all
just thinking that, in 1856.

159
00:06:35,827 --> 00:06:37,787
1856?

160
00:06:38,079 --> 00:06:39,039
What if a ghost took the pen?

161
00:06:39,330 --> 00:06:40,957
- Please forgive him.
- For what?

162
00:06:41,249 --> 00:06:43,710
For stealing the pen, dummy.
Why would I take her pen?

163
00:06:44,002 --> 00:06:45,211
I don't even like having my own.

164
00:06:45,503 --> 00:06:47,130
It's probably
under Pierce's cast.

165
00:06:47,422 --> 00:06:49,299
He uses everything
to itch his legs.

166
00:06:49,591 --> 00:06:50,800
We're on our third DVD remote.

167
00:06:51,092 --> 00:06:52,343
If I took the pen, I'd say so.

168
00:06:52,635 --> 00:06:53,553
You probably forgot.

169
00:06:53,845 --> 00:06:55,597
Been popping painkillers
like Tic Tacs.

170
00:06:55,889 --> 00:06:57,849
Oh, yeah, right.

171
00:06:58,141 --> 00:07:02,896
"Side effects, verbal dysphasia
and octopus loss."

172
00:07:03,188 --> 00:07:05,815
I don't see anything
on this squirrel about memory.

173
00:07:06,107 --> 00:07:07,859
Now I wanna know who has it.

174
00:07:08,151 --> 00:07:10,236
Nice try. That doesn't take you
off the list.

175
00:07:10,528 --> 00:07:11,529
Jeff, you're in charge.

176
00:07:11,821 --> 00:07:12,947
I demand you deal with this.

177
00:07:13,239 --> 00:07:15,700
There's nothing to deal with.
I'll say.

178
00:07:15,992 --> 00:07:18,828
Okay, all right, all right,
everyone breathe.

179
00:07:22,082 --> 00:07:23,583
You know what this is?
Yep.

180
00:07:23,875 --> 00:07:25,710
Shut up.
This is a normal day

181
00:07:26,002 --> 00:07:27,837
with friends
who are done studying

182
00:07:28,129 --> 00:07:30,507
and a pen that rolled away.
Rolled away?

183
00:07:30,799 --> 00:07:31,925
Or fell down someone's shoe.

184
00:07:32,217 --> 00:07:35,178
Let's check shoes.
Annie.

185
00:07:35,470 --> 00:07:37,639
Fine, fine.

186
00:07:37,931 --> 00:07:41,684
Someone in this room
is hiding your pen.

187
00:07:41,976 --> 00:07:44,229
Wanna know why?
They feel terrible.

188
00:07:44,521 --> 00:07:45,563
They made a mistake.

189
00:07:45,855 --> 00:07:47,440
They waited too long
to come forward

190
00:07:47,732 --> 00:07:48,650
and now they feel bad.

191
00:07:48,942 --> 00:07:50,193
They should.
Mm-hm.

192
00:07:50,485 --> 00:07:54,114
Okay, okay. So, pen thief,
we understand what happened,

193
00:07:54,405 --> 00:07:56,741
and we forgive you.
If you confess and apologize.

194
00:07:57,033 --> 00:07:58,743
But here's the trick.

195
00:07:59,035 --> 00:08:00,036
Because this person

196
00:08:00,328 --> 00:08:02,956
now has no reason
not to come forward,

197
00:08:03,248 --> 00:08:05,166
if by some chance,
I get to the count of three

198
00:08:05,458 --> 00:08:08,211
and nobody comes forward, guess
what.

199
00:08:08,503 --> 00:08:12,465
We have to accept that no one
has the pen, don't we?

200
00:08:12,757 --> 00:08:14,300
Don't we?

201
00:08:16,469 --> 00:08:18,888
Good. So here we go.

202
00:08:19,180 --> 00:08:20,974
One.

203
00:08:22,433 --> 00:08:24,060
Two.

204
00:08:25,895 --> 00:08:28,022
Pierce, you have something
to tell us?

205
00:08:28,314 --> 00:08:30,608
Yes. Is it me,
or has it become really obvious

206
00:08:30,900 --> 00:08:31,818
that Jeff took the pen?

207
00:08:32,110 --> 00:08:33,695
Yes.
Definitely could be.

208
00:08:33,987 --> 00:08:35,738
You wanna make a bet, you jerks?

209
00:08:36,030 --> 00:08:38,032
Lockdown.
Abed, seal the doors.

210
00:08:38,324 --> 00:08:41,327
Nobody leaves
until this pen shows up.

211
00:08:41,619 --> 00:08:42,745
I don't like this.

212
00:08:43,037 --> 00:08:44,664
Yeah, tell it to the pen
you might have.

213
00:08:44,956 --> 00:08:46,291
Gwynnifer? Hi.

214
00:08:46,583 --> 00:08:48,459
Yeah, it's me.
I can't make it.

215
00:08:48,751 --> 00:08:50,628
Well, tell your disappointment
to suck it.

216
00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:52,547
I'm doing a bottle episode.

217
00:09:12,233 --> 00:09:13,776
Okay.

218
00:09:14,068 --> 00:09:15,904
You just became my hero.
Thank you.

219
00:09:16,196 --> 00:09:18,239
No pen.
I can see that.

220
00:09:18,531 --> 00:09:20,283
Why do you keep
taking that tone with me?

221
00:09:20,575 --> 00:09:22,827
Oh, I'll field that.
If nobody else has this pen,

222
00:09:23,119 --> 00:09:24,412
it means you realized you had it

223
00:09:24,704 --> 00:09:27,081
and were too embarrassed to say,
and we kill you.

224
00:09:27,373 --> 00:09:30,376
I'm not hiding my own pen,
you paranoid weirdo.

225
00:09:30,668 --> 00:09:32,837
Everybody stay within
each other's eyelines.

226
00:09:33,129 --> 00:09:34,297
Me next, right?

227
00:09:34,589 --> 00:09:36,174
Hold on.
Can we please consider

228
00:09:36,466 --> 00:09:38,051
the threshold
that we are crossing?

229
00:09:38,343 --> 00:09:40,303
We don't trust Abed?

230
00:09:40,595 --> 00:09:42,972
He shredded my backpack.
He freed my pet monkey.

231
00:09:43,264 --> 00:09:45,225
Because we corrupted him.
He's our innocent.

232
00:09:45,516 --> 00:09:47,769
He put gum in your hair.
Empty the bag, Abed.

233
00:09:48,061 --> 00:09:49,938
Pierce, you don't have a bag?
Giraffe.

234
00:09:50,230 --> 00:09:51,856
Uh, Jeff, you don't have a bag?

235
00:09:52,148 --> 00:09:53,358
I'd never deprive the world

236
00:09:53,650 --> 00:09:55,568
of the part of my chest
the strap would cover.

237
00:09:55,860 --> 00:09:58,488
Makes sense. What's left,
hugging and crying,

238
00:09:58,780 --> 00:09:59,697
then we're done?

239
00:09:59,989 --> 00:10:02,075
Wait, Abed,
why is my name in here?

240
00:10:02,367 --> 00:10:05,662
That's mine.
And Shirley's and Annie's?

241
00:10:05,954 --> 00:10:07,372
- What is it?
- Charts,

242
00:10:07,664 --> 00:10:08,539
some kind of calendar?

243
00:10:08,831 --> 00:10:11,209
That's my personal
private business.

244
00:10:11,501 --> 00:10:14,671
"Annie, 4 on, 28 off,
next November 10th.

245
00:10:14,963 --> 00:10:17,340
Britta, 5 on, 27 off..."

246
00:10:17,632 --> 00:10:21,302
Oh, my God. Are you charting
our menstrual cycles?

247
00:10:21,594 --> 00:10:23,137
What? Gross.

248
00:10:23,429 --> 00:10:26,266
Abed, this is so personal.
And so accurate.

249
00:10:26,557 --> 00:10:29,227
Creepy. I don't understand
why you would do this.

250
00:10:29,519 --> 00:10:31,020
I can explain.

251
00:10:31,312 --> 00:10:33,523
I thought you'd keep
yelling over me. I can explain.

252
00:10:33,815 --> 00:10:36,401
I have trouble reading people,
I say the wrong things.

253
00:10:36,693 --> 00:10:39,153
I noticed it was happening
more often with you three.

254
00:10:39,445 --> 00:10:42,198
I noticed fluctuating patterns
and started graphing them.

255
00:10:42,490 --> 00:10:44,325
By the time I realized
what I was measuring,

256
00:10:44,617 --> 00:10:47,787
it had started to yield positive
results, so I kept doing it.

257
00:10:48,079 --> 00:10:49,747
Were you ever
gonna tell us about this?

258
00:10:50,039 --> 00:10:51,874
I feel so violated.

259
00:10:53,626 --> 00:10:54,544
Thanks.

260
00:10:54,836 --> 00:10:56,921
More chocolate?

261
00:10:57,213 --> 00:10:58,756
Aah! Get away from me.

262
00:10:59,048 --> 00:11:01,050
Abed just became my hero.

263
00:11:01,342 --> 00:11:02,802
Can I have a little...?
No!

264
00:11:03,094 --> 00:11:06,139
Sheesh. Guess it's true what
they say about the sync-up.

265
00:11:06,431 --> 00:11:08,641
If I could share
a few words of sarcasm

266
00:11:08,933 --> 00:11:10,059
with whoever took this pen.

267
00:11:10,351 --> 00:11:12,437
I wanna say thank you
for doing this to me.

268
00:11:12,729 --> 00:11:15,064
Thought I'd have to suffer
through a Puppy Parade.

269
00:11:15,356 --> 00:11:17,483
I prefer being entombed
in a mausoleum of feelings

270
00:11:17,775 --> 00:11:19,902
I can neither understand
nor reciprocate.

271
00:11:20,194 --> 00:11:21,904
Whoever you are,
can I get you anything?

272
00:11:22,196 --> 00:11:24,907
Ice cream? Best friend medal?
Anything? Mm-mm?

273
00:11:25,199 --> 00:11:27,327
Okay, sarcasm over.
You're last up, Shirley.

274
00:11:27,618 --> 00:11:29,704
Dump your comedically huge bag
and end this.

275
00:11:29,996 --> 00:11:31,372
Uh...
No, thank you.

276
00:11:34,083 --> 00:11:36,961
Well, well, well, Harvey Keitel.

277
00:11:37,253 --> 00:11:40,006
Well, what do you know,
Henry David Thoreau.

278
00:11:40,298 --> 00:11:44,427
My, oh, my, Mike Tyson.

279
00:11:44,719 --> 00:11:46,763
Empty the bag.
No, I don't have Annie's pen.

280
00:11:47,055 --> 00:11:49,307
I'm a Christian woman
that doesn't open her bag.

281
00:11:49,599 --> 00:11:52,769
What did the Christian woman
think would happen?

282
00:11:53,061 --> 00:11:54,187
You'd find it on the Muslim.

283
00:11:54,479 --> 00:11:56,939
Real nice.
Nicer than you, condom carrier.

284
00:11:57,231 --> 00:11:58,775
Dump the bag or you're guilty.
No.

285
00:11:59,067 --> 00:12:00,109
Aah! Aah!

286
00:12:00,401 --> 00:12:02,737
Oh, Lord, he's thrown a clot.
Pierce.

287
00:12:03,029 --> 00:12:04,530
Call 911. Pierce... Aah!

288
00:12:04,822 --> 00:12:05,907
No. No.

289
00:12:06,199 --> 00:12:07,742
Pierce, you didn't need
to do that.

290
00:12:08,034 --> 00:12:09,952
Yes, I did.
All you guys do is talk,

291
00:12:10,244 --> 00:12:12,038
leaving me to do the things
you won't do.

292
00:12:12,330 --> 00:12:13,706
People like you are the reason

293
00:12:13,998 --> 00:12:17,043
we took so long
to get into Vietnam.

294
00:12:17,335 --> 00:12:19,670
Is this what you were trying
to hide, Shirley?

295
00:12:19,962 --> 00:12:21,005
A pregnancy test?

296
00:12:21,297 --> 00:12:22,965
And more importantly,

297
00:12:23,257 --> 00:12:25,760
are they seriously
marketing them to black women?

298
00:12:26,052 --> 00:12:27,762
Guys, this is
a terribly childish way

299
00:12:28,054 --> 00:12:30,056
to handle
this kind of situation.

300
00:12:30,348 --> 00:12:32,266
Does this mean
you have a new boyfriend?

301
00:12:32,558 --> 00:12:34,102
Who, who, who?

302
00:12:34,394 --> 00:12:36,562
Not that it's anyone's business.

303
00:12:36,854 --> 00:12:39,440
I recently reconnected
with my husband over Labor Day.

304
00:12:39,732 --> 00:12:42,318
The Lord may have a plan
that doesn't include

305
00:12:42,610 --> 00:12:45,405
that slut he ran away with.
You're not pregnant, Shirley.

306
00:12:45,696 --> 00:12:48,282
Why does everybody think
I'm old? I'm around Jeff's age.

307
00:12:48,574 --> 00:12:50,284
I have a uterus.
According to my charts,

308
00:12:50,576 --> 00:12:52,328
you couldn't have conceived
Labor Day.

309
00:12:52,620 --> 00:12:54,455
You would've been
ovulating on Halloween.

310
00:12:54,747 --> 00:12:56,624
If you're gonna have
a pregnant woman,

311
00:12:56,916 --> 00:12:58,459
I say go elevator labor
or go home.

312
00:12:58,751 --> 00:13:00,169
Halloween?

313
00:13:00,461 --> 00:13:02,713
Well, that's that, then.
Yeah, what a relief.

314
00:13:03,005 --> 00:13:05,925
Looks like someone narrowly
avoided a mistake of their own.

315
00:13:06,217 --> 00:13:08,636
Oh, or is it only bad
if you sleep with unmarried men?

316
00:13:08,928 --> 00:13:10,471
The Bible
doesn't recognize divorce.

317
00:13:10,763 --> 00:13:12,265
You marry a man, he's your man.

318
00:13:12,557 --> 00:13:13,933
After he marries someone else,

319
00:13:14,225 --> 00:13:15,601
if you jump into the sack
with him,

320
00:13:15,893 --> 00:13:18,354
you're an angel, so long as
you don't use protection?

321
00:13:18,646 --> 00:13:20,398
I'm so glad
you're enjoying this.

322
00:13:20,690 --> 00:13:24,569
And I hope whoever stole
that pen enjoys it in hell.

323
00:13:24,861 --> 00:13:25,778
Nice try, Stephen Fry.

324
00:13:26,070 --> 00:13:27,238
Stephen Fry.

325
00:13:27,530 --> 00:13:30,241
We all have an agreement.
Nobody leaves till we find it.

326
00:13:32,452 --> 00:13:33,828
Oh!
Yeah, here we go.

327
00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:35,788
We are gonna find this pen.

328
00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:38,875
We are gonna find that pen.

329
00:13:39,167 --> 00:13:41,377
Oh...
And if we can't find it,

330
00:13:41,669 --> 00:13:43,087
our children will find it.

331
00:13:43,379 --> 00:13:46,048
Is it over here in these books,
the pen?

332
00:13:46,340 --> 00:13:48,843
This incredible, magical pen

333
00:13:49,135 --> 00:13:51,137
that nobody knows
how it could disappear.

334
00:13:51,429 --> 00:13:52,972
Oh, maybe it's right in here.

335
00:13:53,264 --> 00:13:55,391
Guys, this is school property.

336
00:13:55,683 --> 00:13:57,643
Can we just forget it?

337
00:13:57,935 --> 00:13:59,812
It's a pen.

338
00:14:05,651 --> 00:14:07,695
Oh.

339
00:14:07,987 --> 00:14:10,781
It's a pen now?

340
00:14:12,325 --> 00:14:14,243
Really?

341
00:14:14,535 --> 00:14:16,746
It's not a principle anymore?

342
00:14:17,038 --> 00:14:19,624
Now it's a pen?

343
00:14:21,042 --> 00:14:23,127
Why the change of heart?

344
00:14:23,419 --> 00:14:26,672
You're not seriously
accusing me. We searched my bag.

345
00:14:26,964 --> 00:14:29,383
Which is exactly the
last place you'd put it

346
00:14:29,675 --> 00:14:31,636
if you found it
halfway through all this.

347
00:14:31,928 --> 00:14:34,805
In fact, assuming that one of us
does have the pen,

348
00:14:35,097 --> 00:14:36,682
who has the most incentive

349
00:14:36,974 --> 00:14:39,060
to make sure it never sees
the light of day?

350
00:14:39,352 --> 00:14:40,311
You wanna go there?
Yeah.

351
00:14:40,603 --> 00:14:41,562
I'll go there, Okay.

352
00:14:41,854 --> 00:14:42,813
I was born there.
Really?

353
00:14:43,105 --> 00:14:45,816
There's a placard there
commemorating me.

354
00:14:46,108 --> 00:14:48,236
What's going on
and how can I help?

355
00:14:48,528 --> 00:14:50,446
Annie, relax.
No, you relax, Jeff.

356
00:14:50,738 --> 00:14:53,199
Or are you scared if you do,
my pen will fall out?

357
00:14:53,491 --> 00:14:55,451
Oh, you precocious little bitch.

358
00:14:55,743 --> 00:14:58,079
Okay, guys, guys,
hey, guys, stop.

359
00:14:58,371 --> 00:14:59,789
You're being
completely illogical.

360
00:15:00,081 --> 00:15:02,542
We need to flip the table,
divide by gender, then search

361
00:15:02,833 --> 00:15:05,211
each other in our underwear.
What?

362
00:15:05,503 --> 00:15:06,629
Now what?

363
00:15:06,921 --> 00:15:10,675
Everybody shake.
Enough to dislodge.

364
00:15:13,219 --> 00:15:15,346
Okay, anything hit the floor?
No.

365
00:15:15,638 --> 00:15:17,640
What are those underwear
made out of?

366
00:15:17,932 --> 00:15:20,017
Oh, they're an organic
soy-cotton blend.

367
00:15:20,309 --> 00:15:21,978
This Gwynnifer
must be real special.

368
00:15:22,270 --> 00:15:25,147
Don't you usually wear the
stripey Beetlejuice numbers?

369
00:15:25,439 --> 00:15:26,524
What does she mean, usually?

370
00:15:26,816 --> 00:15:28,943
All right, end of the road.

371
00:15:29,235 --> 00:15:31,529
We've torn apart the room,
we've stripped.

372
00:15:31,821 --> 00:15:35,700
There is absolutely
no place left...

373
00:15:37,743 --> 00:15:39,787
No.

374
00:15:40,079 --> 00:15:41,622
No.

375
00:15:45,334 --> 00:15:46,669
No.

376
00:15:46,961 --> 00:15:48,754
No! No.

377
00:15:51,299 --> 00:15:53,884
Damn it.
Broke my scissors.

378
00:15:54,176 --> 00:15:56,012
Here. Be careful.

379
00:15:56,304 --> 00:15:58,472
That's the last pair we have.

380
00:15:58,764 --> 00:16:00,016
Also, don't cut his legs.

381
00:16:01,934 --> 00:16:03,311
I'm worried we've gone too far.

382
00:16:03,603 --> 00:16:05,313
This is how super villains
are created.

383
00:16:05,605 --> 00:16:07,398
Can't you just make
a speech about trust

384
00:16:07,690 --> 00:16:08,149
throw in a few digs
at a celebrity

385
00:16:09,358 --> 00:16:10,693
and put a ribbon on this thing?

386
00:16:10,985 --> 00:16:13,529
Abed, think about this
for one second.

387
00:16:13,821 --> 00:16:15,406
If a single one of us
leaves this room

388
00:16:15,698 --> 00:16:16,991
before we find that pen,

389
00:16:17,283 --> 00:16:20,578
how can any of us trust anyone
in this group ever again?

390
00:16:22,496 --> 00:16:23,914
What's your hurry?

391
00:16:24,206 --> 00:16:25,249
I'm clothing myself.

392
00:16:25,541 --> 00:16:27,251
I'm not comfortable
in my all-together

393
00:16:27,543 --> 00:16:28,586
like you two anorexic jezeb...

394
00:16:28,878 --> 00:16:32,214
Oh, I'm so sorry,
that was really mean.

395
00:16:32,506 --> 00:16:34,008
I don't know
where that came from.

396
00:16:34,300 --> 00:16:35,718
We've all been through
a lot today.

397
00:16:36,010 --> 00:16:38,220
And I'm sure
this pregnancy scare's

398
00:16:38,512 --> 00:16:40,139
been weighing on you
all week, right?

399
00:16:40,431 --> 00:16:41,432
Mm-hm.

400
00:16:41,724 --> 00:16:43,601
And maybe that's why
you took my pen?

401
00:16:43,893 --> 00:16:45,311
What?
Where are you hiding it?

402
00:16:45,603 --> 00:16:46,979
Oh, my goodne...

403
00:16:47,271 --> 00:16:49,649
All right, here we go.

404
00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:55,738
It smells like
a Waffie House sink.

405
00:16:56,030 --> 00:16:59,325
Pierce, are you using Slim Jims
to scratch your legs?

406
00:16:59,617 --> 00:17:02,703
Have we not gotten to a place
free of judgment yet?

407
00:17:02,995 --> 00:17:04,747
This isn't it, this isn't it,
where is it?

408
00:17:05,039 --> 00:17:07,249
Where's the pen,
where's the pen?

409
00:17:07,541 --> 00:17:09,710
Where's the pen?

410
00:17:10,002 --> 00:17:12,630
It's getting
a little chilly outside,

411
00:17:12,922 --> 00:17:15,091
so the animal wranglers asked
every student

412
00:17:15,383 --> 00:17:17,885
to pick up a puppy
and hold it so they stay warm

413
00:17:18,177 --> 00:17:20,513
while the volunteers
hand out puppy-sized hats.

414
00:17:20,805 --> 00:17:21,972
Honestly, I don't know

415
00:17:22,264 --> 00:17:24,058
why I'm even making
these announcements.

416
00:17:24,350 --> 00:17:28,938
There can't be anyone
who isn't already on the quad.

417
00:17:37,196 --> 00:17:39,198
Annie, I'd just like to say,

418
00:17:39,490 --> 00:17:41,701
on behalf of whoever
actually stole this pen,

419
00:17:41,992 --> 00:17:44,078
I really am sorry
about all this.

420
00:17:44,370 --> 00:17:46,288
I knew it was you.
I knew it was you.

421
00:17:46,580 --> 00:17:48,791
It could be any of you.

422
00:17:49,083 --> 00:17:50,710
For all we know, it's you.

423
00:17:51,001 --> 00:17:52,795
I wish it were.
I really do.

424
00:17:53,087 --> 00:17:54,880
I wish I could just find it
behind my ear.

425
00:17:55,172 --> 00:17:57,007
I'd rather be that stupid
than have to think

426
00:17:57,299 --> 00:17:58,843
any of us
might be inconsiderate.

427
00:17:59,135 --> 00:18:02,179
After all we've been through,
it almost seems impossible.

428
00:18:04,098 --> 00:18:08,644
It seems less than impossible.

429
00:18:08,936 --> 00:18:13,649
Something impossible
actually seems more likely.

430
00:18:13,941 --> 00:18:16,152
Here we go.
A Winger speech to take us home.

431
00:18:16,444 --> 00:18:17,862
What if a ghost took the pen?

432
00:18:18,154 --> 00:18:19,613
Let him finish.
I am finished.

433
00:18:19,905 --> 00:18:22,324
For real, honestly,
seriously, why not?

434
00:18:22,616 --> 00:18:24,702
Why not just a ghost
took the pen?

435
00:18:24,994 --> 00:18:27,121
Okay, I've been
saying that for hours.

436
00:18:27,413 --> 00:18:30,082
And we should've listened
to Troy from the beginning.

437
00:18:30,374 --> 00:18:31,333
Guys, look in your hearts

438
00:18:31,625 --> 00:18:33,252
and answer this question
honestly.

439
00:18:33,544 --> 00:18:34,545
What's more likely?

440
00:18:34,837 --> 00:18:36,547
That someone in this group

441
00:18:36,839 --> 00:18:39,216
doesn't belong
in this group or ghosts?

442
00:18:39,508 --> 00:18:41,761
If we have to choose
between turning on each other

443
00:18:42,052 --> 00:18:43,387
or pinning it on some specter

444
00:18:43,679 --> 00:18:45,556
with unfinished
pen-related business,

445
00:18:45,848 --> 00:18:48,893
I'm sorry,
but my money's on ghost.

446
00:18:50,144 --> 00:18:51,812
Well,
I'm not a religious person,

447
00:18:52,104 --> 00:18:54,106
but I've seen specials
on the paranormal.

448
00:18:54,398 --> 00:18:55,357
Anything's possible.

449
00:18:55,649 --> 00:18:57,067
Relative to the alternative?

450
00:18:57,359 --> 00:19:00,279
It actually seems
more logical to me.

451
00:19:00,571 --> 00:19:02,782
Why would a ghost want a pen?

452
00:19:06,952 --> 00:19:09,371
Troy?

453
00:19:09,663 --> 00:19:11,582
Okay, so I see it

454
00:19:11,874 --> 00:19:13,793
as a lot like the movie
Paranormal Activity,

455
00:19:14,084 --> 00:19:16,670
except for more boring
and fancy.

456
00:19:16,962 --> 00:19:19,048
And I think in 1856,

457
00:19:19,340 --> 00:19:21,342
it is possible
that a man was beheaded

458
00:19:21,634 --> 00:19:23,344
while he was
writing in his diary

459
00:19:23,636 --> 00:19:24,845
to his long-lost love.

460
00:19:25,137 --> 00:19:27,181
And now he roams
the halls of Greendale

461
00:19:27,473 --> 00:19:28,432
screaming for his pen

462
00:19:28,724 --> 00:19:30,142
so he can write her
a love letter.

463
00:19:30,434 --> 00:19:31,602
"I need her, I need her,"

464
00:19:31,936 --> 00:19:35,147
he screams
as he looks for a pen.

465
00:19:43,948 --> 00:19:47,034
What the hell did
you people do in there?

466
00:19:47,326 --> 00:19:49,995
Something
you could only dream of,

467
00:19:50,287 --> 00:19:52,998
you non-miraculous
son of a bitch.

468
00:19:54,291 --> 00:19:56,043
Non-miraculous?

469
00:19:56,335 --> 00:19:59,088
Wait. Abed.

470
00:20:36,041 --> 00:20:40,129
Now, who could resist falling
in love with our next float?

471
00:20:40,421 --> 00:20:42,715
This Autumn Colors puppy
reminds us

472
00:20:43,007 --> 00:20:44,592
that while the leaves
might be changing,

473
00:20:44,884 --> 00:20:48,429
responsible pet ownership
is always in season.

474
00:20:48,721 --> 00:20:52,433
Oh, here's a crowd favorite,
the Top and Tails float.

475
00:20:52,725 --> 00:20:55,561
A champagne bath
and a red sports car?

476
00:20:55,853 --> 00:20:57,313
Let's hope he's single.

477
00:20:57,605 --> 00:20:58,981
Okay... Oh, okay.

478
00:20:59,273 --> 00:21:02,860
Well, this one feels
a little preachy. Oh.

479
00:21:03,152 --> 00:21:06,322
Boo! Boo!