Oh, what are you guys doing together,
just the two of you?
to help with the oil spill. We're gonna raise money
show how serious the problem is. We're making this display to
Oh, yeah. Each drop represents 10,000 gallons of oil.
Ooh. Oh.
this overshadowed Haiti. I'm so glad
I didn't have ideas for that.
Yay to having fun in pairs.
What up, party people?
You got a Band-Aid on your arm. Be careful shaving.
This is from a blood test. I wax, dummy.
Oh, no. I knew it.
Things were going too well for you.
Oh, no, no, just a physical.
needs a tune-up. Even a Ferrari
moonshiners now? Are you guys
just the two of them. No,
We're raising money for the oil spill.
Did you even know?
the AOL homepage bookmarked. Uh, yeah, I have
Did you even know about the ostrich
that raised a tiger cub?
Troy, what's wrong?
I just saw a dead body.
Told you not to use the east stairwell.
it's meth season. My pastor said
You know I'm living with Pierce now,
to do laundry in the garage so this morning I went
and I found his mom, dead.
Troy, that's terrible. Oh.
Well, she had been in bad shape for a while,
out there to die like a cat. so I guess she crawled
I've never been close to a dead body.
Oh, pumpkin.
She was so cold and gray.
I saw her underwear.
Jeez, who died?
Pierce, we're so sorry to hear about your mom.
Why?
is always difficult. Losing a loved one
What? My mom isn't dead.
But when Troy found her, he said…
Her heart, lungs, kidneys and brain have stopped working.
of saying that would be? And another way
her organic body. She's used up
By dying in it.
Wrong. She's alive.
Mom was a part of my Buddhist church.
She's a Level Five Laser Lotus, same as me.
When a Level Five's body stops functioning,
in the Temple of Renewal it's vaporized
in an energon pod. and stored
In a few years, when our technology advances,
they'll extract her body vapors,
re-condense it to a solid.
Before you know it, Mom will be back in the kitchen
making Troy and me sandwiches.
Heh.
Pumpkin. It's okay.
Oh, sweetie.
about that turtle in China? Did you guys hear
Two packs a day.
To run out of steam ♪ d Give me the hope
It can be here ♪ d Somebody said
Tied up, dead in a year ♪ d We could be roped up
They all just fade away d d One by one
If you guys let me get to the can opener,
I can feed you.
We have to do something about Pierce.
He thinks his mom isn't dead.
"…er"? He's gone crazy.
He won't even let us have a memorial service.
I was halfway done with the collage.
I'm told that's not normal. He hasn't cried yet.
Who's normal, Abed?
but that's beside the point. Baptists are,
Everybody has some service for the departed.
Eskimos, witch doctors, Jewish people.
The point being, Cool, we made the list.
death needs to be coped with, not ignored.
concoct all these religions? Otherwise why did mankind
You wanna rephrase that? Oh, I'm sorry, humankind.
You think you're real smart. Guys, guys, guys.
Did we learn nothing from last Christmas?
I don't see much difference between Pierce's religion
and anybody else's.
because his has lasers. You're not listening,
for not caring about religion. You guys make fun of me
I'm dedicated enough But at least
to not caring to let you have your own beliefs.
Can't Pierce have his?
Can't you be cool like me?
Hello?
of his speeches that way. He ends so many
Morning, Pierce. How's Mom? Morning, guys.
Terrific. Her body is being vaporized as we speak.
What does that feel like?
It's the greatest feeling ever.
Like the second when the fudge on your sundae is still hot,
or when you're the first one to break in a new boob job.
You're free from the burden of your earthly body.
It is a burden.
I am Dr. Ian Duncan. Greetings, class.
Now, I don't normally teach Anthropology,
but apparently, Professor Bauer tried to strangle Mr. Winger
and has been put on leave with pay.
So, what is anthropology?
Seriously, does anyone know?
It's the study of humanity. You, in the boobs.
Wow.
Wow, I thought psychology was a racket.
Well, well.
I heard there was a drunk limey teaching this class.
and I can prove it. I'm not drunk
I blew beneath the limit
That's reassuring. this morning.
everyone here to know Also I would like
that this man assaulted me last year.
a restraining order, And I have
so I can have him expelled if he comes within…
Twenty-five feet.
Abed. Yep.
Proceed, Dr. Teeth.
It is the single largest disaster
in recorded history.
than 50 Exxon Valdez spills. It is worse
You don't have to yell at us.
Nobody is on the other side of this issue.
are covered in oil. And the pelicans
Everyone likes pelicans. They bring babies.
That's storks. Oh, right.
Well, we still like them. Heh, heh, heh.
Yeah, we do. Um…
I'm gonna give you another 20.
Aw. Thank you so much.
if you haven't framed them yet. I'm here for my test results,
Hey, gorgeous.
Jeff, you have something very infectious.
What? Charm.
You got me, Jackie.
everything looks great. Seriously,
You're an incredible specimen.
Even your moles are shaped like little hearts.
Only thing I suggest, see a doctor.
for cholesterol medication. And get a prescription
What? Why?
Your cholesterol's a little high.
Eat some egg whites. No big deal.
But I-I don't understand.
Wait, did I accidentally tell you you have AIDS?
I mean, it doesn't… I've done that before.
I treat my body like a temple.
I can't be the first person to tell you
doesn't last forever. that the temple
I mean, it's made of hamburger. This is a Temple of Doom.
And like the real Temple of Doom,
the inconvenient fact it represents
that all good things,
or movie franchises, be they people
eventually collapse into sagging,
of hard-to-follow nonsense. sloppy, rotten piles
I need to be alone.
you can do that by leaving. Uh,
Okay. Let's get going.
These Paps aren't gonna smear themselves.
There is no God!
Tell us how you really feel. Am I right?
Morning, Jeff, did you get the results of your blood test?
I figured. I'm fine.
for wising us up yesterday. Uh, thank you
We were being judgmental about Pierce's religion.
is Jesus accepts… But the fact
is everyone's dying. The fact
And we all have these notions that we're the exception,
but we're as wrong as we are dead.
That's nice.
with the side project How's it going
that the two of you are doing?
It's great. I made $236, plus Britta's makes…
Well, all totaled,
we're close to 250, right, Britta?
Mm-hm.
about this issue. Greendale cares
I don't think that's it. Yeah,
Come on, Annie. What do you mean?
Guys are giving you money
because of the sexy schoolgirl routine.
Yeah. I have a routine?
The one where you use posture as an excuse
to stick out your chest
and you laugh at guys' unfunny jokes,
pretending not to know
that they have a sock at home with your name on it.
Um, that's me.
to make a puppet of me, And if a guy wants
that's hardly your concern.
Well, I may just be an outsider here
because I was never called to participate,
that Britta's upset but it seems to me
because she's raising less money than you.
I'm raising less money Yeah,
because I'm not jump-starting date rapists.
Ooh-hoo.
Bitter much?
Say "bitter much" much?
Say "say 'bitter much' much" much?
I used to wear a back brace. It's not my fault.
That's why.
What's with the lava lamp?
It's not a lava lamp. It's my mom.
Oh, snap. Wait, what?
finished vaporizing her. The temple
This is Mom's energon pod.
in those bubbles. That's her vapor
I'm sure that thing was free, right?
Energon doesn't grow on trees, Jeff.
It's harvested by super bees in Buddha's meteor crater.
Which is at the foot of Mount Sky Mall
in The Sharper Image Valley?
Sorry, I overslept.
comfortable than it looks. The sidewalk is more
Drunk. Glug-glug-glug.
did we get to yesterday? Shut up. So where
You are drunk and stupid. Actually, Ben,
I do have a wee bit of a headache,
Um… so if you could just…
Isn't that interesting?
I have a right to be here, sir.
You do, you do.
you have very good hearing. And I do hope
Bastard.
So where did we get to yesterday?
We were talking about humanity,
which starts with birth and ends with death.
True, all life ends in death,
are cursed with knowing, which we as a species
resulting in something.
Again, this is really not my field.
Professor, what would you say might be the difference
between a religion and a cult?
Why don't we open that to the floor
since I don't know and the book for this class is expensive?
Well, I would say a cult might, for instance,
sell you a tube of Jell-O and tell you
your mother is in it. Jeffrey.
Are we thinly veiling personal conflict
and passing it off as a lesson?
please continue. Because if so,
Reformed Neo-Buddhism is not a cult.
It is a new way of looking at the world,
emphasizing empowerment.
Like a video game?
very much like a video game. Yes, Troy,
and at a certain point, You gain levels
you actually can eat a ghost.
I wanna eat a ghost. What?
No, no, do not let him
with this crap, Troy. pollute your brain
It's okay to ask questions. I have a question.
Your mother went from solid to vapor.
Do people ever take liquid form,
like creatures in The Abyss or Children's Tylenol?
It's a good question.
Actually, when Buddha returns, we all take liquid form
and merge into a shimmering ocean of knowledge,
which, according to scripture, tastes like Hawaiian Punch.
Hawaiian Punch.
my church's Open Hive tomorrow. If you're curious, come to
and free credit checks. You know, wine, beer
How much wine and beer per person?
We're having a con… What? Oh, come on.
is this Anesthesiology? Excuse me,
Just go with this. Yes. Yes, it is.
It's really sad. I've seen it.
Anything helps.
Just anything you can give would be really…
I don't have…
Hey. I, like, need you to save the pelicans.
They're all feathery and pelican-y.
I "wuv" them.
Thank you.
Wow, it really is easy to raise money
when you sell out your gender.
I'm sure it's even easier
when you're not standing next to this:
You're stupid. Hey, jerk.
I know more than you. Give me money.
I don't know anything. I need boys.
makes my back hurt. Saving the planet
I obviously don't need guys for anything.
I wear stripper boots That's why
and mustard for lunch. and eat only celery
I never start. Oh, I never stop smiling.
My sweaters keep shrinking.
I get up an hour early
to ever-so-slightly curl my hair.
you're both so different. Yeah,
Skinny bitches.
Hello, Billionaire Boys Club.
in class today? What happened
You pulled 40 minutes
of anesthesiology out of your ass.
Yeah, I did.
your elderly friend. But I meant
Are you okay? Are you okay?
I haven't eaten a doughnut? Do you know how many times
How I got teased in grade school I do not.
for dabbing my pizza with napkins?
I've suffered.
I've denied myself. Mm-hm.
Because the rules said, if I did that,
I would live longer.
halfway through the game, But then,
I get this little update.
That it doesn't matter what I do.
I could eat powdered bran every day
while you suck down pudding and I still might die first.
I want my doughnuts back. It's unfair.
Well, I think you're being a little childish and…
I need to use my force field Hold on.
from getting food. to prevent Chang
Now, where were we?
Look, the way I see it,
to have no religion, while claiming
you were actually devoutly worshipping yourself.
And now that your god has high cholesterol,
kick Pierce's in the balls. you're trying to
You're right.
All I've been trying to do is crush Pierce's faith
to feel better about dying. And?
Now that I realize that that was my goal, Mm-hm.
I can really roll up my sleeves and get it done.
Thank you. There it is.
No, that wasn't what I was… Welcome.
Actually, I don't care.
guess who found Buddha. Hey, girls,
Hey. Hey.
We're on our way to Pierce's Buddhist Open Hive.
First I'm taking these fellas for ice cream
as an apology for questioning Pierce's faith.
there's this 69th flavor Pierce says
I need to try. I am excited.
my car's over there. Hey guys,
Cool.
Guess what.
I'm not actually taking them for ice cream.
to the county morgue I am taking them
where I have confirmed that Pierce's mother's
very un-vaporized corpse will be lying
on a stainless-steel slab for all to see.
Surprise.
Welcome to reality. Welcome to death.
Good luck. Have fun.
you guys are real downers. Wow,
I can't believe I made out with both of you.
Ugh.
I'll check the basket.
Sorry, I almost arched my back a little.
I know you hate that.
since I'm a calculating bitch. I should count it,
since I'm the one No, I should,
who's whoring out our gender.
I'm gonna count it! Give that back.
Give me that! Let go!
Oh! Ugh.
You think this is funny? Oh, yeah?
You think it's funny?
Come here, you little brat. Get off of me.
I'm a brat?
What the…?
I hate you!
this is why I came to America. Now,
Maybe we should listen to some music.
No problem.
I brought the jam book from the Pierce-mobile.
I could play some of the old stuff,
but you guys would make fun of me. Heh, heh, heh.
So I'll throw you a bone and put in some Loggins.
This ice cream place is far.
it's worth it. Trust me,
This is Mom's handwriting. What's this?
in the garage, you silly goose? Is that what you were doing
her last moments alive She spent
making a CD?
That is gangster.
Pierce, you've found the CD, which means I'm dead.
Vaporized.
I'm not vaporized. I'm gone, Pierce.
and that's how I like it. Gone forever
Life is only worth a damn because it's short.
It's designed to be consumed, used, spent, lived, felt.
We're supposed to fill it
with every mistake and miracle we can manage.
And then we're supposed to let go.
I can't force you to do that for yourself, Pierce.
But you can't force me to stay.
And if you unscrew the top of that stupid thing,
you'll see it was made in China.
I love you, son.
I'll play myself out. Goodbye.
Well, that proves one thing.
That woman was really losing her marbles toward the end.
You seriously still think she's in there?
Why wouldn't I?
No reason.
So where's this ice cream place?
Yeah. Oh. Um…
You know, I think
I actually saw a better one back there.
The place I was gonna take you is kind of depressing.
a little more sawdust Oh, can we get
on that storm gutter? Thank you.
I'm sorry too. I'm sorry.
I just got jealous of you.
but you totally called me on No,
what I was doing and…
to see if I could do it. I only kissed Jeff
and sexy like you. I wanna be cool
I can't believe how gross I am.
I only slept with Jeff because I hate myself.
That's why I got after you for raising money.
No. I'm twice as gross.
that we raised more money And you know the reason
in five minutes of oil wrestling
than in two days of fundraising?
are even grosser? Because men
And when we forget that, they win.
Aw.
all right, all right. Yeah, all right,
Yeah, do it.
Oh, so you got actual ice cream?
Yeah, with peanut butter and hot fudge.
What the hell, right? Nobody lives forever.
No offense.
Think what you want, it's a free country.
I barely saw you this week, Abed.
What have you been up to?
Not much. Hm.
Whoa, busted, 25 feet. What?
Which puts you in violation of this restraining order
I filed against you for abusing me
restraining order. with your
Mutually assured destruction.
Well played, Chang. Thank you.
That… That means a lot.
getting a quick photo of me Do you mind
with the oily co-eds?
Center button. You're the man. Okay. No problem.
What, what?
He's not a projection.
pretending to be Tom Berenger. He's the British guy
It was a mislead.
That's the whole point of Inception,
subversion of reality.
He hasn't seen it yet.