Raisins don't belong in chocolate chip cookie.
Hey, watch it, punk. It gives them depth.
What are you, 80?
trying to bring back disco. He's the one
to know it's not gonna happen. I don't have to be old
What it is, soul brother!
My boys will make me breakfast in bed for Mother's Day.
Well, actually, I'm going to make the breakfast,
but they'll bring it to me.
Aw. I know!
the cutest thing last night. And then they said
'cause they call me Mama. They said, "Mama",
You're gonna be the fun police. If I'm the fun police,
then you're director of Funland Security.
Good, more of this. More of what?
The constant bickering. What do you think?
It was cute at first, but…
Well, Abed explains it best. To be blunt,
is no Ross and Rachel. Jeff and Britta
and lack of chemistry Your sexual tension
are putting us all on edge, which is why, ironically,
on every level, you're keeping us from being friends.
do not have sexual tension. Jeff and I
We just argue all the time. Aw!
Just like Sam and Diane. I hated Sam and Diane.
Who are Sam and Diane? Okay, we get it.
You're young! Sorry.
See what you're doing to us?
Pork her and move on. Want my advice?
We did it all the time in my day.
Yeah, you also put hydrogen in blimps, that was bad.
Hey, everybody.
Just a reminder.
is on the quad today. Our Spring Fling
Music, food, activities. What, what?
He makes me uncomfortable.
Hm. Still in the room.
There's also going to be a game of Paintball Assassin
for last man standing. with a prize
Or last man in a wheelchair with no paint on him.
Or last woman.
Give it a rest, Britta. Ugh. What's the prize?
It was a Blu-ray DVD player, but it was stolen.
So now it's TBD.
I want TBD. Is that new?
If it's what I think, I had it for about a month in the '70s.
to Britta and Jeff. Let's get back
There's no Britta and Jeff.
He said, fully erect.
you guys figure this out Well, I'm gonna let
while I go take a nap in my car.
What are you waiting for?
To run out of steam ♪ d Give me the hope
Tied up dead in a year ♪ d We could be roped up
What the hell?
Hello?
What is going on?
The paintball game was starting,
and the dean…
The dean announced the prize.
The prize!
We turned on each other like animals!
What was the prize? Was?
This is not over!
This is still happening right now!
Leonard, I'm not playing. Leonard?
Everyone's playing.
Aw.
You suck.
Come with me if you don't want paint on your clothes.
wandering the neutral zone. Hey, look what I found
Jeff Winger.
You son of a bitch!
I thought you were dead, man.
I was just taking a nap.
lost their mind? Has everyone
a game of paintball. It's just
Yep. With one rule. Last man standing gets the prize.
The prize. The prize.
What is this prize?
You don't know.
Priority registration.
Priority registration?
That's why everyone's running around like a bunch…
Does that mean what I think it means?
Like you could have first choice of your classes next semester?
Easy, sugar bear.
all your classes on a Monday But you could schedule
and take a six-day weekend.
You could do a lot of things.
Talk him through the hunger, Abed.
Every student wants that prize, Jeff.
so we'll all turn on each other. There's no way to share it,
But the longer we wait to do that… Jeff.
The longer we work together, the longer we last.
Is everyone running in packs?
but they fell to infighting. Debate team was first,
Glee club is luring stragglers into sniper traps
with cheery renditions of hit songs.
And people fall for that? Really?
I mean, I'm all for winning, Yeah.
but let's not resort to cheap ploys.
Are the girls in the game? You mean Britta?
I don't mean Britta. Did I say Britta?
Twice now.
Chess Club.
No, no, no.
He's a pawn.
Checkmate, bitches.
their tears will be real today. And tell the drama club
No, that's all sugar, man! Get some protein!
Yeah, yeah. Peanuts. Right here. Peanuts.
Take the stuff closer to you. No, no.
The ones in the back are the freshest.
That will keep us going. Yeah. Okay, okay.
Hey.
I got you covered, bro. What the hell?
You guys formed an alliance without me?
Yeah. You with Star-Burns?
not if I can be with you. Well,
Heh. It's just Star-Burns.
need a pee break? Anyone else
Yeah. Yeah.
Hey. Hey.
I don't need to pee. I'll stand guard.
I'm wearing a diaper for the game.
Oh, yeah. For the game.
Hey, guys, make this quick
before Pierce's chewing attracts enemies.
Um, guys? Hold it.
Drop it. Don't move!
All right, everybody, be cool.
We can beat the others if we merge alliances.
We're doing fine on our own.
You gonna win camped on crapper? Worked on you.
You have a gun in your face. Did it?
Nice comeback. Yeah, kinda matches yours.
Shut up!
Jeez.
Okay.
So the agreement is we're allies
we're the last seven standing. until we're sure
You thinking what I'm thinking? Mm-hm.
Our team's walking with God.
I'm thinking we might already be the only seven left,
this is a window in which case,
to take out the others. for the two of us
great PR for the Black students. Real nice, Troy, that'd be
I am not an ambassador.
I am gladiator.
Now, you want to win or not?
Troy made God mad!
Take cover!
Run, Pierce!
Glee club.
it's the glee club? How do you know
Listen.
Oh, brother.
That is so uninspired!
I'm not so sure.
I got a plan. Get ready.
Don't come over here, okay? Hey, Pierce.
I'm coming over there. Screw you.
Medic. In the trees. There.
Write some original songs!
What are you guys gonna do
priority registration? if you win
I'll make my schedule airtight.
in three years instead of four. Maybe get out of here
I'd take any class with no tests and no papers.
What would you do, Shirley?
morning classes so I could… I'd choose all
to spend some time with my boys. get home early
It's hard being away from them so much.
You know what?
I say if any of us win the prize,
as a Mother's Day gift. we give it to Shirley
Absolutely. What?
you don't have to do that. Abed,
I am so sick of you guilting people
humanitarian shtick. with your phony
you can watch me do it. Phony? When I win,
Of course you'll do it, but that won't make it less phony.
a lot more likeable… You know, you'd be
If I never did anything for anybody ever?
Yeah, because when you help, that always turns out great.
Let's do it.
Study group. Come out and play.
it's post-ironic Disco Stu. Oh, look,
Still trying to bring it back?
Hi.
Damn, he brought it back.
Put your hands…
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
They shot us.
It's hot, it's hot. Let's go, fool!
The last guy almost got me.
My legs.
Oh, Shirley, I'm so sorry.
I'm going home, Britta.
I know, Shirley, I know.
No, seriously, I'm going home. Can you help me up?
Oh. Yeah, sure.
Shirley, I'm gonna win for you and your boys.
That's nice.
I'm gonna win that prize, Shirley,
but not for you and your boys.
That's less nice.
Oh, my God, you've been hit. What?
Oh, no.
Wait, wait…
Heh. It's blood.
I thought it was paint, but I'm just bleeding.
Talk about luck. Ech.
is still going on. It's 2 a.m.! I can't believe this game
What if someone gets hurt and the police come?
They'll think I'm a bad dean.
There's classes in the morning. This has to stop!
because I'll take everyone out. Put me in the game,
three times a week, bro. I play paintball
I'm even one of the douche bags who brings his own equipment.
But it wouldn't be fair. You're not a student.
But you can change that, can't you? Huh?
Enroll me in a class.
Arts and crafts. What are your interests?
Oh, cool. Oh, I do watercolors.
The group would be thrilled.
The wounded soldier fantasy
from doing it, right? means we're moments
Yeah, can you feel that tension?
we still have clothes on. It's a miracle
You're right, you know.
I am a phony.
because I'm afraid that I'm not. I try to act compassionate,
Oh, please, I invented phony.
You care about people.
I accuse you of faking
I'm not such a jerk. to convince myself
Jeff, you help people more than I do,
and you don't even want to.
You're not a jerk. You're fine.
that I've repaired Especially now
my trembling feminine fingers. your overworked torso with
Too much sexual tension. Yes.
Damn bursting.
You know, it would totally serve them right
if we did it here in the study room.
God, could you imagine? I can't stop imagining.
Neither can I.
We should get dressed
before the third-shift librarian shows up.
We don't want this to turn into
a letter to Penthouse, right?
I think the group is right.
to relieve some tension. We did need
Tell me you didn't have sex with me to win at paintball.
now I'm gonna win at paintball. No, I had sex with you, and
I'm gross? Don't be gross.
at putting on panties one-handed You seem pretty practiced
while holding a gun.
before you assassinate me? Can I get dressed
it meant nothing to you? So all that happened,
What did it mean to you? I didn't say that.
I asked you first. Very mature.
wearing Hello Kitty underwear. Said the woman
Said the woman holding the gun.
You sure that's a gun?
for your fake, jaded persona. Maybe it's a metaphor
Uh-oh.
No paintballs, Hans? You think I'm stupid?
When you started seducing me. When'd you take my clip?
I wasn't though.
makes you grosser. Assuming that
Not when I'm right.
Buenos dias, children.
You'll be happy to know you made it all the way till the end.
You're not even a student! Wrong!
and Politics of Gender, biatch. Critical Media Literacy
Give me your clip.
that would be brilliant of me. Oh, yeah,
Look, you got the drop on me. I lost.
Let me do this for you.
if I shot you right now, huh? Be pretty crazy
What's so funny, Chang?
there's no such thing Maybe it's the fact
as priority registration.
Or maybe it's this.
Ta-da.
Dean!
Just one moment.
Oh, hi there, Jeffrey.
That's a good look for you. Everybody out there
each other for nothing is shooting
in your ivory tower. while you sit here
Jeffrey, I can explain.
I messed up when I promised priority registration.
Apparently, it's a violation of some student equality act,
but this isn't. Ta-da!
it's not Blu-ray, Heh. Okay, now,
with its own remote, so… but it comes
Jeffrey!
Jeffrey! Jeffrey!
You get it all out of your system?
Almost.
What do you want from me, Jeffrey?
Guess.
Oh, hi. Hey, how's it going?
have some paint. You still
Oh, thanks.
Um, so I was thinking… You don't even have to.
It didn't happen.
Just that it didn't happen. It's not a mistake.
It was a crazy night of paintball.
Exactly. Tension relieving.
to mention it to anyone. Absolutely. No need
Right, no big deal. Nothing's changed.
Something's changed.
Oh, Abed. Crazy Abed.
No, something's different now.
I'm sporting a man-thong. It could be me.
Maybe.
Or maybe it's that I…
have emerged victorious
with a priority registration form.
Well done, Jeff. Oh!
And in recognition
of her bravery,
not to mention her children,
to the best soldier, Shirley. I hereby award this
Now, the bad news is, Oh!
for legal purposes, next semester,
if anybody asks, you have gout.
Do you mind walking with a limp? Mm.
Thank you, Jeffrey. Look, Annie.
Wow, I didn't see that coming. Neither did I.
So no one feels it?
No one senses anything's different?
Nope. Not at all.
It's riding up a little, but…
Meet you at the flagpole in… Hey, Abed, it's Troy.
with your message, press one. If you are satisfied
To erase and re-record… Hey, Abed, it's Troy.
at the flagpole in like… Yo, I'll meet you
If you are satisfied with your message…
Hey, Abed. It's Troy. Hee-hee!
If you are satisfied with your message…
When are you gonna meet him? Ten minutes.
To listen to your message…
Hey, Abed, your girlfriend
at the flagpole in 10 minutes. will meet you
Goodbye.
with your message, press one. If you are satisfied
To erase and re-record…
Did I sound like a jerk?
To listen to your message, press three. To send…
sorry to bother you. Hey, Abed,
at the flagpole in 10 minutes. Troy will meet you
Heh. Okay.
If you are satisfied…
Maybe just send a text message. Yeah.