1
00:00:01,618 --> 00:00:03,662
So then the guy says
to the housekeeper:

2
00:00:03,662 --> 00:00:06,498
"Make sure she's dead."
Stop me if you've heard this.

3
00:00:06,498 --> 00:00:08,625
Would've been nice
27 minutes ago.

4
00:00:08,625 --> 00:00:13,547
The housekeeper says,
"We don't have a pool."

5
00:00:13,547 --> 00:00:16,257
And the guy says…
Good morning, Greendale.

6
00:00:16,257 --> 00:00:18,677
Just a reminder,
our debate team will bring home

7
00:00:18,677 --> 00:00:21,304
the championship tomorrow
versus City College.

8
00:00:21,304 --> 00:00:23,098
Go, Human Beings.

9
00:00:23,098 --> 00:00:26,309
Great, now I gotta start
the whole joke over again.

10
00:00:26,309 --> 00:00:29,229
Okay, so this…
No! I've got one for you.

11
00:00:29,229 --> 00:00:32,107
A doddering old fool
walks into a bar,

12
00:00:32,107 --> 00:00:34,442
tells a stupid joke,
and I crush his windpipe

13
00:00:34,442 --> 00:00:37,445
with my three-ringed binder.

14
00:00:37,445 --> 00:00:40,240
I don't get it.
Britta's giving up cigarettes.

15
00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:44,452
Don't tell. I'll slap that look
off your pointy face.

16
00:00:44,452 --> 00:00:49,791
I'm saying this because I care
and you're my friend.

17
00:00:49,791 --> 00:00:53,045
You need to start smoking again.
I think you should.

18
00:00:53,045 --> 00:00:55,547
You lose weight,
your skin looks great.

19
00:00:55,547 --> 00:00:58,926
I appreciate your support,
but I've got to quit.

20
00:00:58,926 --> 00:01:00,844
You thought
about hypnotherapy?

21
00:01:00,844 --> 00:01:03,555
I know a hypnotherapist.
Ten-to-one says it's him.

22
00:01:03,555 --> 00:01:06,975
His name is Pierce Hawthorne.
And I'm very effective.

23
00:01:06,975 --> 00:01:09,061
Can you help me
block out people's voices

24
00:01:09,061 --> 00:01:10,854
I find extremely annoying?

25
00:01:10,854 --> 00:01:12,773
Jeff, she's right there.

26
00:01:12,773 --> 00:01:14,357
Pierce,

27
00:01:14,357 --> 00:01:16,526
I would be grateful
for your help.

28
00:01:16,526 --> 00:01:19,404
You would? Super.
I'll set it up.

29
00:01:19,404 --> 00:01:22,699
What? I feel bad for him.
Plus, I just yelled at him.

30
00:01:22,699 --> 00:01:24,492
You yelled at me too.
Oh.

31
00:01:24,492 --> 00:01:27,913
Did I hurt your feelings?
Wow. Wow.

32
00:01:27,913 --> 00:01:30,791
Have you seen
the film department's website?

33
00:01:30,791 --> 00:01:33,085
What do you think?

34
00:01:33,085 --> 00:01:35,796
All of Abed's films
are about us.

35
00:01:35,796 --> 00:01:37,672
What?
Check it out.

36
00:01:39,216 --> 00:01:40,341
What else is new?

37
00:01:40,341 --> 00:01:42,677
Jeff.
Hola.

38
00:01:42,677 --> 00:01:45,973
Jeff, stop being so relaxed.
We need to talk to you about…

39
00:01:45,973 --> 00:01:47,306
You're living out of your car.

40
00:01:47,306 --> 00:01:49,392
Why are you living
out of your car?

41
00:01:49,392 --> 00:01:51,603
Those people look just like us.
That's eerie.

42
00:01:51,603 --> 00:01:55,356
Fine, it's true.
I'm living out of my car.

43
00:01:55,356 --> 00:01:58,152
And I don't want anyone's help.

44
00:01:58,152 --> 00:02:00,320
We had that
exact conversation last week.

45
00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:04,032
But Abed posted
this video two weeks ago.

46
00:02:05,033 --> 00:02:06,618
That boy is a soothsayer.

47
00:02:08,745 --> 00:02:10,122
This is wrinkling my brain.

48
00:02:10,122 --> 00:02:11,915
This is wrinkling my brain.

49
00:02:11,915 --> 00:02:13,583
That's wrinkling my brain.

50
00:02:13,583 --> 00:02:15,210
Get a load of these wrinkles.

51
00:02:15,210 --> 00:02:18,630
Who's that old guy?
Hi. I'm Pierce Hawthorne.

52
00:02:18,630 --> 00:02:20,048
Oh, come on.

53
00:02:26,096 --> 00:02:29,057
There he is.
Oh, Mr. Winger, hold on.

54
00:02:29,057 --> 00:02:32,019
Did you hear my announcement?
I hang on every word.

55
00:02:32,019 --> 00:02:33,353
I assume that's sarcasm.

56
00:02:33,353 --> 00:02:34,688
Correct.
You didn't hear?

57
00:02:34,688 --> 00:02:37,357
I'm barely listening now.
Oh, okay.

58
00:02:37,357 --> 00:02:40,527
My debate partner dropped out.
We need you for championship.

59
00:02:40,527 --> 00:02:43,738
Jeffrey, as debate coach,
I'm offering you an opportunity

60
00:02:43,738 --> 00:02:46,241
to spend a night
drinking from the cup of life

61
00:02:46,241 --> 00:02:48,785
rather than romancing
your nether regions.

62
00:02:48,785 --> 00:02:52,789
Who better than a former lawyer
to really stick it

63
00:02:52,789 --> 00:02:56,877
to those City College snobs
and their star debater Simmons?

64
00:02:56,877 --> 00:02:58,503
Mmm. Pass.

65
00:02:58,503 --> 00:03:02,549
Okay, no, no, no. Wait.
Okay, no, no, no. Look.

66
00:03:02,549 --> 00:03:06,220
Listen, jerk wad.
I'm sorry, that got heated.

67
00:03:06,220 --> 00:03:07,762
Greendale needs a win.

68
00:03:07,762 --> 00:03:10,682
The best compliment
our sports program gets

69
00:03:10,682 --> 00:03:12,475
is our basketball team
is gay.

70
00:03:12,475 --> 00:03:14,602
So, what's it gonna take?

71
00:03:14,602 --> 00:03:18,065
A plum parking space?
Free meals?

72
00:03:18,065 --> 00:03:23,778
A night of companionship,
if you know what I mean?

73
00:03:23,778 --> 00:03:25,739
I'll do it
for the parking space.

74
00:03:25,739 --> 00:03:28,575
If you promise
not to tell me what you mean.

75
00:03:28,575 --> 00:03:31,995
All right. Yeah.
Pierce, thank you.

76
00:03:31,995 --> 00:03:33,830
I appreciate you
helping me out.

77
00:03:33,830 --> 00:03:35,540
And I appreciate
the opportunity.

78
00:03:35,540 --> 00:03:38,377
Sometimes I think
people don't take me seriously.

79
00:03:38,377 --> 00:03:39,753
What are you gonna do?

80
00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:41,796
Wave a pocket watch
in front of my face

81
00:03:41,796 --> 00:03:44,299
and tell me
I'm getting very sleepy.

82
00:03:44,299 --> 00:03:46,718
No. Just checking the time.

83
00:03:47,886 --> 00:03:51,806
Close your eyes,
keep them closed.

84
00:03:51,806 --> 00:03:55,894
And listen to the soothing
sound of my voice.

85
00:03:55,894 --> 00:03:59,731
The only word
that will bring you out is

86
00:03:59,731 --> 00:04:01,649
"gorilla."

87
00:04:01,649 --> 00:04:05,028
Okay, now, focus on the rhythm
of your own breathing.

88
00:04:06,863 --> 00:04:09,950
And when you feel the desire
to light up a cigarette

89
00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:13,453
you will associate these urges
with things that disgust you.

90
00:04:13,453 --> 00:04:15,080
Bad tasting food,

91
00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:16,456
sex with men,

92
00:04:16,456 --> 00:04:21,044
wearing attractive clothing,
and…

93
00:04:21,044 --> 00:04:24,047
Oh, God,
I think I really hurt myself.

94
00:04:24,047 --> 00:04:25,715
Somebody help me.

95
00:04:25,715 --> 00:04:27,675
Oh! Britta, wake up.

96
00:04:27,675 --> 00:04:30,304
Why did I put you under so well?

97
00:04:30,304 --> 00:04:32,889
Damn my talents. Aah!

98
00:04:32,889 --> 00:04:34,099
The topic for the debate is,

99
00:04:34,099 --> 00:04:36,310
"Are people inherently good
or evil?"

100
00:04:36,310 --> 00:04:38,770
When do you want
to get together to strategize?

101
00:04:38,770 --> 00:04:40,397
Annie, I was a lawyer.

102
00:04:40,397 --> 00:04:44,067
I was a debater for money.
I think I can handle this.

103
00:04:45,652 --> 00:04:47,070
How was hypnotherapy?

104
00:04:47,070 --> 00:04:50,240
He fell down, screamed,
I laid with eyes closed

105
00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:52,451
to make him feel
like a good hypnotherapist.

106
00:04:52,451 --> 00:04:54,953
This will never end.
It's already done.

107
00:04:54,953 --> 00:04:56,496
He just wants one more session.

108
00:04:58,457 --> 00:05:00,667
Where's Abed? Need to talk
about his films.

109
00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:03,086
He is prescient.
He can read minds.

110
00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:08,967
I know what you'll say.
Watched my movies?

111
00:05:08,967 --> 00:05:10,385
He's a witch.
Get him.

112
00:05:10,385 --> 00:05:12,804
Not a witch, a student
of human character.

113
00:05:12,804 --> 00:05:15,765
I know you guys all so well
I can predict your behavior.

114
00:05:15,765 --> 00:05:18,643
Like, Shirley,
I know you're a sweet,

115
00:05:18,643 --> 00:05:20,145
Christian, generous person.

116
00:05:20,145 --> 00:05:22,022
Oh, that's nice.
Oh, that's nice.

117
00:05:23,148 --> 00:05:24,524
I know you have rage issues.

118
00:05:24,524 --> 00:05:26,526
Careful, boy. Oh!
Careful, boy.

119
00:05:26,526 --> 00:05:28,028
Here, check this out.

120
00:05:28,028 --> 00:05:30,613
May I?
Yeah.

121
00:05:30,613 --> 00:05:33,283
Jeff's character acts
like nothing affects him.

122
00:05:33,283 --> 00:05:35,160
Things bother him
more than he lets on.

123
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:38,872
I'm top of the class.
Gaah!

124
00:05:38,872 --> 00:05:41,082
He's also very vain.

125
00:05:41,082 --> 00:05:43,084
Ridiculous.

126
00:05:43,084 --> 00:05:44,461
Ohh.

127
00:05:46,254 --> 00:05:50,091
Why am I crying? Will I listen
to "Come Sail Away" by Styx?

128
00:05:50,091 --> 00:05:53,720
Don't worry, it's just a movie.
I can't predict the future.

129
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:55,972
I hurt my leg. Ah!

130
00:05:57,932 --> 00:06:00,352
What up, happy people?

131
00:06:00,352 --> 00:06:02,645
You tell me my future right now,
evil wizard.

132
00:06:02,645 --> 00:06:07,275
I think your shirt's trying
to get out of your pants.

133
00:06:07,275 --> 00:06:12,113
As Golding's Lord of the Flies
demonstrates, man,

134
00:06:12,113 --> 00:06:15,242
when left to his own devices,
will descend

135
00:06:15,242 --> 00:06:18,412
into chaos and evil.

136
00:06:25,752 --> 00:06:30,173
And now, from City College,
Jeremy Simmons.

137
00:06:32,050 --> 00:06:35,636
Jeremy. Jeremy.

138
00:06:35,636 --> 00:06:38,056
Jeremy. Jeremy.

139
00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:45,939
There were 23,000

140
00:06:45,939 --> 00:06:49,526
kidney donations
in America last year.

141
00:06:49,526 --> 00:06:51,194
Man is good.

142
00:06:51,194 --> 00:06:57,242
The average life expectancy
for a man in a community

143
00:06:57,242 --> 00:07:01,704
is 23 years longer
than a man alone.

144
00:07:01,704 --> 00:07:03,248
Man is good.

145
00:07:03,248 --> 00:07:08,753
And just 10 minutes ago,
a bald, bespectacled man

146
00:07:08,753 --> 00:07:11,839
held the door
for a man in a wheelchair.

147
00:07:11,839 --> 00:07:13,467
Man is good.

148
00:07:14,884 --> 00:07:17,637
Oh. I hate this guy.

149
00:07:17,637 --> 00:07:19,931
By the end of this debate

150
00:07:19,931 --> 00:07:24,227
I will prove
with facts and data

151
00:07:24,227 --> 00:07:28,148
that man is inherently good.

152
00:07:30,650 --> 00:07:33,736
Little trick for achieving
the competitive mind set.

153
00:07:33,736 --> 00:07:35,822
I always envision my opponent

154
00:07:35,822 --> 00:07:38,241
having aggressive sex
with my mother.

155
00:07:47,125 --> 00:07:49,419
This feels so formal.

156
00:07:50,420 --> 00:07:52,589
Let's just talk.

157
00:07:52,589 --> 00:07:55,467
People are evil.
They can't help it.

158
00:07:56,468 --> 00:07:58,928
I didn't catch your name.

159
00:07:58,928 --> 00:08:00,888
It's Jean.
Take Jean here.

160
00:08:00,888 --> 00:08:02,682
She spent a lot of time
this morning

161
00:08:02,682 --> 00:08:06,019
making herself look so lovely.

162
00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:09,648
Tell me, how many people
told you how great you look?

163
00:08:09,648 --> 00:08:11,691
None.
Man is evil.

164
00:08:11,691 --> 00:08:14,402
But you just said
how great I looked.

165
00:08:14,402 --> 00:08:17,113
For my own selfish purposes.

166
00:08:17,113 --> 00:08:20,492
The fact is,
as hot as you look

167
00:08:20,492 --> 00:08:25,079
and it is quite hot,
I wouldn't have said anything.

168
00:08:25,079 --> 00:08:27,248
When I talk about people
being evil,

169
00:08:27,248 --> 00:08:29,626
I could cite quotes
or dig up statistics,

170
00:08:29,626 --> 00:08:31,961
but those are just words
and numbers.

171
00:08:31,961 --> 00:08:36,049
I think we could have
a little more fun

172
00:08:36,049 --> 00:08:39,760
if I express myself in song.

173
00:08:48,978 --> 00:08:50,771
That's my time, everybody.

174
00:08:50,771 --> 00:08:52,815
Thank you very much. Yeah.

175
00:08:55,694 --> 00:08:58,029
At the end of round one.

176
00:08:58,029 --> 00:09:00,031
City College, 50.

177
00:09:02,367 --> 00:09:03,868
Greendale, eight.

178
00:09:08,498 --> 00:09:10,333
I got eight?

179
00:09:12,252 --> 00:09:14,170
I only got eight?
She got eight.

180
00:09:14,170 --> 00:09:17,549
You got zero.
It's debate, not American Idol.

181
00:09:20,427 --> 00:09:22,637
Nice work, L.A. Law.

182
00:09:22,637 --> 00:09:25,306
All sizzle, no steak.

183
00:09:25,306 --> 00:09:26,641
I don't care, dude.

184
00:09:26,641 --> 00:09:28,476
I'm doing this
for a parking space.

185
00:09:28,476 --> 00:09:32,313
Let's go, boys.
I wanna see some hustlers.

186
00:09:32,313 --> 00:09:35,233
By Zeus.
What sort of jackassery is this?

187
00:09:35,233 --> 00:09:37,193
We're in the middle of a debate.

188
00:09:37,193 --> 00:09:39,571
We reserved the gym
for practice so…

189
00:09:39,571 --> 00:09:41,531
Yup, they reserved it.

190
00:09:41,531 --> 00:09:44,409
Okay,
they got us by the short ones.

191
00:09:44,409 --> 00:09:47,078
The debate is suspended
until tomorrow.

192
00:09:47,078 --> 00:09:51,249
Hopefully, by then
we can get our act together.

193
00:09:51,249 --> 00:09:54,419
Oh, great try, Bruce. Great try.

194
00:09:56,630 --> 00:09:59,299
When are we getting together
to prepare for tomorrow?

195
00:09:59,299 --> 00:10:01,635
Never. Because it's stupid
and I don't care.

196
00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:03,637
Bite me.

197
00:10:04,971 --> 00:10:06,389
Maybe Simmons is right.

198
00:10:06,389 --> 00:10:08,475
You really are all sizzle
and no steak.

199
00:10:08,475 --> 00:10:11,852
You probably couldn't beat him.
What do you mean?

200
00:10:11,852 --> 00:10:15,940
We are going to study harder
and beat City College tomorrow.

201
00:10:15,940 --> 00:10:17,233
Really?
No.

202
00:10:17,233 --> 00:10:20,403
Who am I, iCarly?
Abed is right,

203
00:10:20,403 --> 00:10:22,905
you act like things
don't bother you, but they do.

204
00:10:22,905 --> 00:10:26,409
Six months ago
I was a lawyer, I wore suits.

205
00:10:26,409 --> 00:10:29,329
I used to say stuff
like "objection" and "sidebar."

206
00:10:29,329 --> 00:10:31,956
Now I'm losing
a community college debate

207
00:10:31,956 --> 00:10:34,000
to Jeremy "Soul Patch" Simmons.

208
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:36,795
Hey, Winger.

209
00:10:36,795 --> 00:10:38,045
You like to sing?

210
00:10:38,045 --> 00:10:40,465
I like to sing too.

211
00:10:44,636 --> 00:10:45,928
Kick that.

212
00:10:56,105 --> 00:10:58,775
Lay off. Jeff didn't
understand the rules.

213
00:10:58,775 --> 00:11:02,862
Yeah? What's your excuse,
eight points?

214
00:11:02,862 --> 00:11:04,447
Dude, leave her out of this.

215
00:11:10,578 --> 00:11:14,081
That's it, we are gonna debate
the living crap out of you.

216
00:11:15,916 --> 00:11:18,044
We've got some preparing to do.

217
00:11:18,044 --> 00:11:20,505
I liked you better smoking.
I'm so sorry.

218
00:11:20,505 --> 00:11:24,091
No, you're right,
my feet are long and stupid.

219
00:11:24,091 --> 00:11:26,010
You can't unring that bell.

220
00:11:27,053 --> 00:11:28,971
Oh, no.

221
00:11:28,971 --> 00:11:32,099
That's my newspaper.
What do you need a paper for?

222
00:11:32,099 --> 00:11:35,019
You knew what was gonna happen,
you Magic Eight Ball.

223
00:11:35,019 --> 00:11:38,231
Pierce hurt his leg.
Britta made Troy cry.

224
00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:40,483
What's my destiny?
Am I gonna die in a car?

225
00:11:40,483 --> 00:11:44,320
Is it going to happen soon?
I'm just an entertainer.

226
00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:46,322
But if it will make you
feel better,

227
00:11:46,322 --> 00:11:48,658
here, let me show you
what I'm working on.

228
00:11:52,370 --> 00:11:54,748
Were… No. Were…

229
00:11:54,748 --> 00:11:57,500
Sorry, is that me being
chased down by a werewolf?

230
00:11:57,500 --> 00:12:00,002
That's how you'd behave
in that situation. No?

231
00:12:00,002 --> 00:12:02,839
The situation being me
being chased by a werewolf?

232
00:12:02,839 --> 00:12:04,173
Mm-hm.

233
00:12:08,762 --> 00:12:11,097
And that's Jeff
locking lips with Annie?

234
00:12:11,097 --> 00:12:15,184
Mm-hm. Yeah.
You're a fool.

235
00:12:15,184 --> 00:12:18,354
Stanford students were divided
into prisoners and guards.

236
00:12:18,354 --> 00:12:20,607
The guards immediately started…
Ugh!

237
00:12:20,607 --> 00:12:24,527
What's wrong?
I have pain above my eyebrow.

238
00:12:24,527 --> 00:12:27,363
It's a stress headache.
I got my first one when I was 4.

239
00:12:27,363 --> 00:12:29,948
I hate it.
Get to used to it.

240
00:12:29,948 --> 00:12:33,035
You're knee-deep in it.
This is debate.

241
00:12:33,035 --> 00:12:35,496
If you wanna win,
you need to prepare.

242
00:12:35,496 --> 00:12:36,997
Well, agreed.

243
00:12:36,997 --> 00:12:40,293
But if you wanna win,
you need to loosen up.

244
00:12:40,293 --> 00:12:43,170
Go off-book, robot debater.

245
00:12:43,170 --> 00:12:45,673
Oh, my gosh.

246
00:12:46,716 --> 00:12:49,135
You're right.

247
00:12:49,135 --> 00:12:52,806
Simmons is so good
at using his inherent magnetism

248
00:12:52,806 --> 00:12:55,182
to sell his points
and here I am,

249
00:12:55,182 --> 00:12:58,185
like a spinster librarian
with my hair pulled back.

250
00:12:58,185 --> 00:12:59,562
Yeah.

251
00:13:08,571 --> 00:13:11,491
What do you think?
Yeah.

252
00:13:12,742 --> 00:13:14,577
Thanks.

253
00:13:14,577 --> 00:13:17,580
Be careful, Abed thinks
you two are gonna kiss.

254
00:13:17,580 --> 00:13:20,583
Ha, ha, ha! Ridiculous.

255
00:13:20,583 --> 00:13:23,085
Us kissing?

256
00:13:23,085 --> 00:13:25,254
That is ridiculous.
Totally.

257
00:13:30,844 --> 00:13:32,595
We should get back to work.
Yes.

258
00:13:32,595 --> 00:13:37,015
Okay. The…
People are inherently evil.

259
00:13:37,015 --> 00:13:40,018
Oh, we can use
this Hobbes quote.

260
00:13:40,018 --> 00:13:44,106
"Man is a collection of base,
animal urges.

261
00:13:44,106 --> 00:13:46,943
To act on them
and experience sinful pleasure

262
00:13:46,943 --> 00:13:51,071
would be morally no different
than taking a breath."

263
00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:54,659
That's poignant, right?
Yeah.

264
00:13:54,659 --> 00:13:57,453
Maybe we should study alone.
Yeah.

265
00:13:57,453 --> 00:13:59,037
Separately.
Uh-huh.

266
00:13:59,037 --> 00:14:03,501
That way, we can be
more reproductive… Productive.

267
00:14:03,501 --> 00:14:05,378
Bye.
Bye. What…

268
00:14:10,008 --> 00:14:13,845
Oh, you forgot your phone.
Oh, I can get another one.

269
00:14:13,845 --> 00:14:17,181
The next time
you even see a cigarette,

270
00:14:17,181 --> 00:14:20,018
you will think of things
that disgust you.

271
00:14:25,023 --> 00:14:28,526
And while you're under so deep,

272
00:14:28,526 --> 00:14:32,864
you'll find yourself attracted
to slightly older men.

273
00:14:32,864 --> 00:14:35,616
Perhaps some barrel-chested stud

274
00:14:35,616 --> 00:14:39,203
with just enough tummy
to love.

275
00:14:39,203 --> 00:14:41,247
You'll want to buy him dinner.

276
00:14:41,247 --> 00:14:43,082
Then go back to his hot tub.

277
00:14:43,082 --> 00:14:44,876
You'll invite one
of your friends

278
00:14:44,876 --> 00:14:46,293
to join us for a three-way.

279
00:14:46,293 --> 00:14:48,963
Maybe someone
with low self-esteem

280
00:14:48,963 --> 00:14:51,674
and slightly larger breasts.

281
00:14:51,674 --> 00:14:53,968
Go to hell, you disgusting pig.

282
00:14:53,968 --> 00:14:56,429
A-ha!
I was awake the whole time.

283
00:14:56,429 --> 00:14:59,515
I was faking it.
I know. I saw you.

284
00:14:59,515 --> 00:15:01,350
What do you think I am?
Some joke?

285
00:15:01,350 --> 00:15:05,438
No, I was trying to make you
feel better about yourself.

286
00:15:05,438 --> 00:15:08,691
How dare you pity me.

287
00:15:08,691 --> 00:15:11,569
I may be a little older,

288
00:15:11,569 --> 00:15:15,656
my ideas may seem weird,
my fashion sense may cause envy,

289
00:15:15,656 --> 00:15:20,327
but I have a lot to offer
and I will not to be pitied.

290
00:15:27,835 --> 00:15:29,545
Do not help me up.

291
00:15:30,922 --> 00:15:35,217
And as German poet
Franz Wickmeyer once wrote:

292
00:15:36,928 --> 00:15:39,931
"Snow falls
from the heavens pure.

293
00:15:41,515 --> 00:15:46,104
We cannot blame the snow
for being soiled by the Earth."

294
00:15:50,817 --> 00:15:52,401
Man is good.

295
00:15:57,740 --> 00:15:59,450
What? That dude gets it.

296
00:15:59,450 --> 00:16:02,620
Jeff Winger will now offer
a two-minute rebuttal.

297
00:16:05,999 --> 00:16:07,750
Hey, sizzle.

298
00:16:07,750 --> 00:16:10,753
What you going to sing tonight?
I'm in the mood for Sade.

299
00:16:10,753 --> 00:16:12,546
Okay.

300
00:16:15,591 --> 00:16:18,011
In the Stanford
Prison Experiment,

301
00:16:18,011 --> 00:16:21,889
21 out of 21 students,
when given absolute power,

302
00:16:21,889 --> 00:16:24,809
abused and tortured
their fellow students.

303
00:16:24,809 --> 00:16:29,022
My competitor likened people
to pure falling snow.

304
00:16:29,022 --> 00:16:32,566
I would respond,
"There is none righteous,

305
00:16:32,566 --> 00:16:34,861
no, not one."

306
00:16:34,861 --> 00:16:36,863
Now, I realize
Mr. Simmons' quote

307
00:16:36,863 --> 00:16:39,532
was from
the great Franz Wickmeyer.

308
00:16:39,532 --> 00:16:43,619
Mine was just from
a simple desert handyman

309
00:16:43,619 --> 00:16:44,871
named Jesus.

310
00:16:48,582 --> 00:16:51,293
Oh, that's nice.

311
00:16:51,293 --> 00:16:54,797
Survival of the fittest wires
an impulse to eliminate people.

312
00:16:54,797 --> 00:16:57,591
Counter point.
Mother Teresa, Joan of Arc.

313
00:16:57,591 --> 00:16:59,343
Rebuttal.
Nuclear bombs.

314
00:16:59,343 --> 00:17:01,470
Nuclear families.
Abu Ghraib.

315
00:17:01,470 --> 00:17:03,931
Apu from The Simpsons.
Double rejoinder.

316
00:17:03,931 --> 00:17:05,725
Telemarketers.
Organ donors.

317
00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:07,393
Hate crimes.
Executions.

318
00:17:07,393 --> 00:17:08,978
Ketchup is a vegetable.

319
00:17:08,978 --> 00:17:11,271
Wow. This is a real barn-burner.

320
00:17:11,271 --> 00:17:13,191
Oh, God, did I just say
cross-burner?

321
00:17:13,191 --> 00:17:15,275
No, you did not.
Oh, good.

322
00:17:15,275 --> 00:17:17,820
We make an amazing team.
I know, we're so in sync.

323
00:17:17,820 --> 00:17:20,156
We're like a perfect duet
or great se…

324
00:17:20,156 --> 00:17:23,117
Professor Whitman.
Your preparation was impeccable.

325
00:17:23,117 --> 00:17:26,579
You remind me of a young me
with slightly worse hair.

326
00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:28,330
I just checked with the judges.

327
00:17:28,330 --> 00:17:30,541
They'll need a miracle
to win in rebuttal.

328
00:17:30,541 --> 00:17:33,502
Simmons is finished.

329
00:17:33,502 --> 00:17:35,295
This is too much for me.

330
00:17:37,506 --> 00:17:40,885
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
He's going off-book.

331
00:17:42,845 --> 00:17:45,472
Why is he ripping the cards,
doesn't he need cards?

332
00:17:45,472 --> 00:17:47,850
It's a gambit.

333
00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:30,851
He hates me, yet he caught me.

334
00:18:32,061 --> 00:18:34,521
Man is good.

335
00:18:41,028 --> 00:18:43,572
Damn.

336
00:18:49,203 --> 00:18:51,371
Abed. Abed.

337
00:18:54,250 --> 00:18:57,003
He was horny,
so he dropped him.

338
00:19:00,673 --> 00:19:03,843
Man is evil.

339
00:19:08,931 --> 00:19:10,599
Greendale wins.

340
00:19:12,977 --> 00:19:14,979
Huzzah!

341
00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:17,898
Eat that, Simmons.

342
00:19:17,898 --> 00:19:19,441
Whoo!

343
00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:22,736
God!

344
00:19:22,736 --> 00:19:24,030
That off-book enough for you?

345
00:19:30,452 --> 00:19:31,996
Simmons got robbed.

346
00:19:31,996 --> 00:19:34,373
They kissed.
You do have powers.

347
00:19:34,373 --> 00:19:36,042
I'm going to die by werewolf.

348
00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:38,252
Shirley, I don't have powers.
Trust me.

349
00:19:38,252 --> 00:19:41,505
In my next film, we discover
Pierce is an actual genius.

350
00:19:41,505 --> 00:19:43,632
That's not gonna happen.
No, it's not.

351
00:19:43,632 --> 00:19:46,093
Pierce,
I can't smoke a cigarette

352
00:19:46,093 --> 00:19:48,512
without thinking of a three-way
in your hot tub.

353
00:19:48,512 --> 00:19:50,890
You did it.
Yes.

354
00:19:50,890 --> 00:19:53,184
I did?
You're a genius.

355
00:19:53,184 --> 00:19:55,353
Who's the third?

356
00:19:56,770 --> 00:19:58,438
You did great in there.

357
00:19:58,438 --> 00:20:00,649
Let's take
this bacchanalia outside.

358
00:20:00,649 --> 00:20:02,735
Full moon tonight.

359
00:20:05,321 --> 00:20:07,698
Shirley. Shirley!

360
00:20:08,991 --> 00:20:11,702
Well, I'm going this way, so…

361
00:20:11,702 --> 00:20:15,581
Well, congratulations, buddy.

362
00:20:15,581 --> 00:20:19,001
Thanks, pal.

363
00:20:24,131 --> 00:20:26,633
Just pat me.

364
00:20:49,907 --> 00:20:52,034
Let me ask you a question.
Do you hate this?

365
00:20:52,034 --> 00:20:54,578
Do you hate doing this?
Do you?

366
00:20:54,578 --> 00:20:56,830
Can I talk to you for a second?
Just hold on.

367
00:21:04,463 --> 00:21:06,257
Just have fun with it.

368
00:21:07,716 --> 00:21:09,051
Take 36.