1
00:00:02,199 --> 00:00:05,869
Good morning. This is your dean
reminding you

2
00:00:05,869 --> 00:00:08,496
that among your school's
prestigious alumni

3
00:00:08,496 --> 00:00:10,165
is Mr. Luis Guzmán.

4
00:00:10,165 --> 00:00:13,627
Celebrated actor and model
Puerto Rican-American.

5
00:00:13,627 --> 00:00:15,796
This Friday,
we will be dedicating

6
00:00:15,796 --> 00:00:17,131
a statue of Guzmán,

7
00:00:17,131 --> 00:00:19,424
and unveiling
our brand-new school song.

8
00:00:19,424 --> 00:00:21,885
So, boy, I don't know about you,

9
00:00:21,885 --> 00:00:24,303
but this sure feels like
a real college to me.

10
00:00:24,303 --> 00:00:27,975
Greendale, Greendale,
Greendale.

11
00:00:30,435 --> 00:00:33,855
Ah. Jeff, Jeff, good morning.

12
00:00:33,855 --> 00:00:36,858
How is student life,
my dry-witted friend?

13
00:00:36,858 --> 00:00:38,318
Probably the same
as teacher life,

14
00:00:38,318 --> 00:00:40,612
but less tragic
because I get to leave.

15
00:00:40,612 --> 00:00:43,157
Very dry, very witty,
not a great friend.

16
00:00:43,157 --> 00:00:44,658
Listen, I wanted to ask you

17
00:00:44,658 --> 00:00:46,701
about that young lady
in your Spanish class.

18
00:00:46,701 --> 00:00:48,662
You know, the blond
with the pouty,

19
00:00:48,662 --> 00:00:50,664
strident
Cate Blanchett sexuality

20
00:00:50,664 --> 00:00:51,915
and the ridiculous name.

21
00:00:51,915 --> 00:00:54,501
Britta.
That's it. That's it.

22
00:00:54,501 --> 00:00:58,421
Imagine living with that.
Can you imagine? Unbelievable.

23
00:00:58,421 --> 00:01:00,465
Anyway, um,
are you two an item?

24
00:01:00,465 --> 00:01:03,635
And if so, would that item
be impervious to sabotage?

25
00:01:03,635 --> 00:01:06,554
You know, you have
the savoir-faire of a hyena.

26
00:01:06,554 --> 00:01:09,432
How is it that you and James
Bond come from the same island?

27
00:01:09,432 --> 00:01:12,644
Message received. I'll just wait
for you to finish striking out.

28
00:01:12,644 --> 00:01:14,271
Cheers.
M*A*S*H.

29
00:01:14,271 --> 00:01:16,356
Fawlty Towers, game over.
Have a nice day.

30
00:01:18,025 --> 00:01:20,568
You think Luis Guzmán
will come to visit his statue?

31
00:01:20,568 --> 00:01:22,779
If so, I'd like to ask
about his movie choices.

32
00:01:22,779 --> 00:01:25,324
Particularly Carlito's Way,
The Cowboy Way,

33
00:01:25,324 --> 00:01:26,908
The Hard Way and Q&A.

34
00:01:26,908 --> 00:01:29,619
Yeah. Luis Guzmán is on
a private jet from Hollywood

35
00:01:29,619 --> 00:01:31,955
because he can't wait to have
that conversation with you.

36
00:01:31,955 --> 00:01:33,372
How does he know about me?

37
00:01:33,372 --> 00:01:35,500
Because he called me
on my cell phone.

38
00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:37,418
Why would a movie actor
call you?

39
00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:41,422
You don't know?
No.

40
00:01:41,422 --> 00:01:44,551
I'm President Obama's nephew.

41
00:01:44,551 --> 00:01:45,886
You never mentioned that.

42
00:01:45,886 --> 00:01:47,346
I didn't know
if I could trust you,

43
00:01:47,346 --> 00:01:49,306
but now it's time
to tell you everything.

44
00:01:49,306 --> 00:01:51,474
Starting with me inventing
the Ferrari.

45
00:01:51,474 --> 00:01:53,935
So I guess
the cell phone number

46
00:01:53,935 --> 00:01:56,730
you put on the study group's
contact sheet was fake.

47
00:01:56,730 --> 00:01:58,606
Which I just learned
in the awkward conclusion

48
00:01:58,606 --> 00:02:00,067
of a month-long
text-message affair

49
00:02:00,067 --> 00:02:02,819
with a dude from Boulder.
Sorry.

50
00:02:02,819 --> 00:02:04,112
That's okay.
Give me your number.

51
00:02:04,112 --> 00:02:05,322
I'll cleanse my palate

52
00:02:05,322 --> 00:02:06,865
while Kevin
rethinks his marriage.

53
00:02:06,865 --> 00:02:08,325
If you promise

54
00:02:08,325 --> 00:02:10,410
not to use it in any
other context than friendship.

55
00:02:10,410 --> 00:02:11,661
Uh… Pass.

56
00:02:14,956 --> 00:02:17,042
Star-Burns, that means you.

57
00:02:17,042 --> 00:02:18,793
My name's Alex, dude.

58
00:02:18,793 --> 00:02:22,422
You should spend five hours
sculpting that in your face.

59
00:02:22,422 --> 00:02:24,299
Last night I graded your tests.

60
00:02:24,299 --> 00:02:25,717
I'm sure you wanna know
how you did.

61
00:02:25,717 --> 00:02:27,969
Yes.
Well, I'm not gonna tell you

62
00:02:27,969 --> 00:02:32,224
until I find out who did this:

63
00:02:32,224 --> 00:02:33,558
What is that?

64
00:02:35,852 --> 00:02:38,272
It's a tiny piece of paper,
okay? That's all it is.

65
00:02:38,272 --> 00:02:39,814
A tiny piece of paper

66
00:02:39,814 --> 00:02:43,526
containing all the information
covered on the test.

67
00:02:43,526 --> 00:02:46,905
Otherwise known
as a crib sheet.

68
00:02:46,905 --> 00:02:48,115
Who did it, huh?

69
00:02:48,115 --> 00:02:50,909
Mary Ann?

70
00:02:50,909 --> 00:02:52,911
Grandpa?

71
00:02:52,911 --> 00:02:55,789
Jackée? Kumar?

72
00:02:55,789 --> 00:02:57,999
There's one Asian stereotype
that does apply to me.

73
00:02:57,999 --> 00:03:00,543
Whoever did this
insulted my honor.

74
00:03:00,543 --> 00:03:04,089
And they've got 24 hours
to come forward

75
00:03:04,089 --> 00:03:07,092
or Mr. Miyagi here
will wax off everyone's score

76
00:03:07,092 --> 00:03:11,263
and the whole class gets a zero.

77
00:03:12,973 --> 00:03:14,599
Except you, Toby.

78
00:03:21,648 --> 00:03:24,234
The only difference
between Señor Chang and Stalin

79
00:03:24,234 --> 00:03:26,485
is that I know
who Señor Chang is.

80
00:03:26,485 --> 00:03:27,904
You hear him
call me Jackée

81
00:03:27,904 --> 00:03:29,656
like I'm some
black female caricature?

82
00:03:29,656 --> 00:03:31,199
If the good Lord
hadn't been watching,

83
00:03:31,199 --> 00:03:33,076
I'd have slapped him
upside the head.

84
00:03:33,076 --> 00:03:34,661
Who do you guys think cheated?

85
00:03:36,246 --> 00:03:38,498
Flattering,
but if I'm gonna cheat,

86
00:03:38,498 --> 00:03:40,583
I'm not gonna write information
from a book onto paper.

87
00:03:40,583 --> 00:03:42,336
That's practically learning,
for God's sake.

88
00:03:42,336 --> 00:03:45,046
Whoever made that crib sheet
wasn't a real cheater,

89
00:03:45,046 --> 00:03:47,882
just insecure and naive.

90
00:03:47,882 --> 00:03:51,094
I may be naive,
but I'm not stupid.

91
00:03:51,094 --> 00:03:52,553
Well, I may be stupid,

92
00:03:52,553 --> 00:03:55,556
but I'm not trying
to look like I'm not.

93
00:03:55,556 --> 00:03:58,101
Well, I may be a genius,
but I'm not a lesbian.

94
00:03:59,269 --> 00:04:00,520
Who cares who made it?

95
00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:02,022
The only real cheater
is the guy

96
00:04:02,022 --> 00:04:04,024
who's threatening
everyone with a zero.

97
00:04:04,024 --> 00:04:05,900
You're right.
It's so unfair.

98
00:04:05,900 --> 00:04:08,195
I can't handle this
kind of stress right now.

99
00:04:08,195 --> 00:04:10,364
I'm overwhelmed by my duties
on the school song committee.

100
00:04:10,364 --> 00:04:12,740
Are you a musician?
Ew. No.

101
00:04:12,740 --> 00:04:15,618
I hired a local composer,
but he's quite a handful.

102
00:04:15,618 --> 00:04:17,287
Well, I guess that's
your fault, isn't it?

103
00:04:17,287 --> 00:04:18,788
It is?

104
00:04:18,788 --> 00:04:20,665
You got an accomplished pianist
and songwriter

105
00:04:20,665 --> 00:04:22,792
sitting three feet
away from you.

106
00:04:22,792 --> 00:04:24,836
I wrote the jingle
for Hawthorne Wipes towelettes.

107
00:04:24,836 --> 00:04:26,421
I would've done your song
for free.

108
00:04:26,421 --> 00:04:28,131
Smooth move, Metamucil.

109
00:04:28,131 --> 00:04:30,633
Troy could do the school song.
Troy invented rap music.

110
00:04:30,633 --> 00:04:32,469
He's related to Danny Glover
and Obama.

111
00:04:32,469 --> 00:04:34,179
Abed, have you been racist
this whole time

112
00:04:34,179 --> 00:04:35,930
while I'm telling everybody
at church

113
00:04:35,930 --> 00:04:37,932
what a sweet
little caramel angel you are?

114
00:04:37,932 --> 00:04:39,767
Hey man,
that stuff I said this morning

115
00:04:39,767 --> 00:04:41,186
wasn't true.
I was just messing.

116
00:04:41,186 --> 00:04:42,937
You were lying?
Yeah, as a joke.

117
00:04:42,937 --> 00:04:45,148
You never had somebody
mess with you before?

118
00:04:45,148 --> 00:04:47,567
Yes, just kidding.
No, like that?

119
00:04:50,153 --> 00:04:51,738
This isn't a table.

120
00:04:51,738 --> 00:04:54,699
Ha-ha-ha!
That's funny.

121
00:04:54,699 --> 00:04:57,911
Remember when we used
to study Spanish?

122
00:04:59,954 --> 00:05:01,540
Pierce.
Yo.

123
00:05:01,540 --> 00:05:03,458
I talked to the dean
and he said you can write

124
00:05:03,458 --> 00:05:06,002
Greendale's school song.
That's more like it.

125
00:05:06,002 --> 00:05:08,088
You know, the statue dedication
is this Friday,

126
00:05:08,088 --> 00:05:09,672
so you have to have it
it done by then.

127
00:05:09,672 --> 00:05:11,091
This Friday? This Friday?

128
00:05:11,091 --> 00:05:12,509
If that's not enough time…

129
00:05:12,509 --> 00:05:14,928
No. You really
don't know much about genius?

130
00:05:14,928 --> 00:05:16,804
Yes, I can do it by Friday.
Great.

131
00:05:16,804 --> 00:05:18,306
There's a piano
in the rehearsal space

132
00:05:18,306 --> 00:05:20,183
and I'll help you out
however I can.

133
00:05:20,183 --> 00:05:23,353
You're gonna do an awesome job.
I know!

134
00:05:23,353 --> 00:05:25,188
So this is

135
00:05:25,188 --> 00:05:29,443
the last chance for the cheater
to be an adult

136
00:05:29,443 --> 00:05:32,820
and face la música

137
00:05:32,820 --> 00:05:34,573
or everyone fails.
No.

138
00:05:34,573 --> 00:05:38,076
You've got 10 seconds,
starting now.

139
00:05:45,959 --> 00:05:49,670
No!

140
00:05:49,670 --> 00:05:52,006
I've never gotten
a zero before.

141
00:05:52,006 --> 00:05:53,800
I did it.
Britta?

142
00:05:55,469 --> 00:05:57,429
Wow. You really took
your sweet time with that one.

143
00:05:57,429 --> 00:05:59,013
How dare you
terrorize a class

144
00:05:59,013 --> 00:06:00,848
by threatening their grades?
It's not easy

145
00:06:00,848 --> 00:06:03,017
to get human beings
to turn on each other.

146
00:06:03,017 --> 00:06:04,478
Turn on her.

147
00:06:07,314 --> 00:06:09,732
Real mature.
God, Britta.

148
00:06:09,732 --> 00:06:12,735
That's right, we are mature.

149
00:06:12,735 --> 00:06:15,614
Too mature to sit in a class

150
00:06:15,614 --> 00:06:17,616
with a cheating,
lying, poop face.

151
00:06:19,826 --> 00:06:22,954
Okay, time to learn
some formal greetings.

152
00:06:30,253 --> 00:06:33,131
So wow.

153
00:06:33,131 --> 00:06:34,841
Yeah,
I bet you're enjoying this.

154
00:06:34,841 --> 00:06:36,384
Yeah, well,
when we first met,

155
00:06:36,384 --> 00:06:37,969
like, you were up here
and I was here.

156
00:06:37,969 --> 00:06:39,346
And now…

157
00:06:39,346 --> 00:06:41,306
Oh, wait, I gave a quarter
to a dirty bum today.

158
00:06:41,306 --> 00:06:43,099
What do you think
they're gonna do to me?

159
00:06:43,099 --> 00:06:44,976
Well, we're not gonna buy you
an ice cream.

160
00:06:44,976 --> 00:06:46,603
Hi, Dean Pelton.

161
00:06:46,603 --> 00:06:48,522
Quite an entrance
I got to make there.

162
00:06:48,522 --> 00:06:52,150
You would be Britta Perry?
I just spoke with Señor Chang.

163
00:06:52,150 --> 00:06:53,443
And I'm afraid Greendale

164
00:06:53,443 --> 00:06:55,445
takes this kind of thing
very seriously.

165
00:06:55,445 --> 00:06:58,657
Much like a university would.

166
00:07:00,408 --> 00:07:02,076
Your case will be reviewed

167
00:07:02,076 --> 00:07:04,787
by disciplinary tribunal
tomorrow in Borchart Hall.

168
00:07:04,787 --> 00:07:06,831
You could be facing expulsion.

169
00:07:06,831 --> 00:07:08,291
Isn't Borchart Hall the pool?

170
00:07:08,291 --> 00:07:10,710
There is an Olympic-sized
pool there, yes.

171
00:07:10,710 --> 00:07:12,462
But we will be next to it,
using its

172
00:07:12,462 --> 00:07:15,423
$6000 judge's table.

173
00:07:15,423 --> 00:07:17,050
Uh, is she allowed
to have counsel?

174
00:07:17,050 --> 00:07:18,968
I mean, I may not be
a practicing lawyer anymore,

175
00:07:18,968 --> 00:07:21,513
but relative to this place,
I'm Alan Dershowitz.

176
00:07:21,513 --> 00:07:23,557
Oh. Okay, ouch.

177
00:07:23,557 --> 00:07:25,225
If you'd like,
you may represent her.

178
00:07:25,225 --> 00:07:26,685
Dean you later.

179
00:07:26,685 --> 00:07:29,103
I'm not gonna sit
while some hokey tribunal

180
00:07:29,103 --> 00:07:31,231
gets its jollies judging me.

181
00:07:31,231 --> 00:07:33,191
Hey, if you show up with me,
follow my lead,

182
00:07:33,191 --> 00:07:35,443
and deny everything,
you'll walk.

183
00:07:35,443 --> 00:07:37,529
That's the Winger guarantee.
I get it.

184
00:07:37,529 --> 00:07:40,532
You think you're gonna save my
bacon using your lawyer powers

185
00:07:40,532 --> 00:07:42,492
and send me into fits
of grateful arousal.

186
00:07:42,492 --> 00:07:45,495
I can neither confirm
nor deny that.

187
00:07:45,495 --> 00:07:46,954
See how good I am?

188
00:07:49,082 --> 00:07:51,834
Hey, Troy, did you hear?

189
00:07:51,834 --> 00:07:53,836
All dogs are blue now.

190
00:07:53,836 --> 00:07:55,922
Every single dog in the world
is blue.

191
00:07:58,925 --> 00:08:00,594
I'm just messing with you.
Yeah. I know.

192
00:08:00,594 --> 00:08:01,928
But let me explain to you

193
00:08:01,928 --> 00:08:04,264
a few things
about how this works.
Okay.

194
00:08:04,264 --> 00:08:06,140
First of all,
I cannot be got.

195
00:08:06,140 --> 00:08:08,435
Because I am not
gullible like you.

196
00:08:08,435 --> 00:08:10,604
Secondly,
you are not good at this,

197
00:08:10,604 --> 00:08:13,856
because you are not believable
in your face, okay?

198
00:08:13,856 --> 00:08:15,149
Your face?
Yeah?

199
00:08:15,149 --> 00:08:16,776
It's bad. Um…
Okay.

200
00:08:16,776 --> 00:08:20,363
Also, you gotta ride the line
between believable and…

201
00:08:21,740 --> 00:08:24,325
What are you writing in?
It's a notepad.

202
00:08:24,325 --> 00:08:27,287
Yeah, but what… What language?
It's probably Arabic.

203
00:08:36,379 --> 00:08:39,591
All right, uh, I am convening
this disciplinary tribunal

204
00:08:39,591 --> 00:08:42,093
at our state-of-the-art
judge's table.

205
00:08:42,093 --> 00:08:44,679
Which has its own built-in
sound system.

206
00:08:44,679 --> 00:08:46,222
So take that, Yale.

207
00:08:46,222 --> 00:08:49,643
Our judges include, uh, myself,
Dean Craig Pelton.

208
00:08:49,643 --> 00:08:51,352
Professor Ian Duncan.

209
00:08:51,352 --> 00:08:53,354
Professor Ben Chang.

210
00:08:53,354 --> 00:08:55,565
Uh, no, you're a teacher,
you're not a professor.

211
00:08:55,565 --> 00:08:58,067
Well, maybe because
I don't look like Ron Weasley.

212
00:08:58,067 --> 00:09:00,695
That's the difference,
that's the qualifying factor.

213
00:09:00,695 --> 00:09:02,113
Gentlemen, point of order.

214
00:09:02,113 --> 00:09:04,240
How can Señor Chang
be one of the judges?

215
00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:06,326
He's the one accusing my client.

216
00:09:06,326 --> 00:09:08,620
You got Prince Charles over here
as your drinking buddy.

217
00:09:08,620 --> 00:09:10,455
Oh, got me.

218
00:09:10,455 --> 00:09:13,207
Well, it sounds like there are
two biases, one on each side.

219
00:09:13,207 --> 00:09:15,502
And I go both ways.
Oh, let's strike that.

220
00:09:15,502 --> 00:09:18,129
LaShonda,
can we please strike that?

221
00:09:18,129 --> 00:09:20,298
I am impartial,

222
00:09:20,298 --> 00:09:23,134
so it should all work out.
Okay, let's begin.

223
00:09:23,134 --> 00:09:26,429
Fine. Uh, the tribunal
calls teacher Chang.

224
00:09:26,429 --> 00:09:28,723
Okay, just keep it
up, Frost/Nixon.

225
00:09:28,723 --> 00:09:31,267
I was planning on doing that.
Cleared my whole day.

226
00:09:31,267 --> 00:09:32,977
Uh, Mr. Chang,

227
00:09:32,977 --> 00:09:36,063
could you remind us
of the events of yesterday?

228
00:09:36,063 --> 00:09:38,608
Oh, with great pleasure.
It was a Tuesday,

229
00:09:38,608 --> 00:09:41,194
uh, crack of dawn, 5:58 a.m.

230
00:09:41,194 --> 00:09:43,237
I got up,
I took my morning deuce.

231
00:09:43,237 --> 00:09:46,324
I made a breakfast
consisting of…

232
00:09:53,540 --> 00:09:56,459
Oh, man. Green, green, green.

233
00:10:01,922 --> 00:10:03,174
Hi. I'm almost done.

234
00:10:03,174 --> 00:10:04,592
Oh, good.

235
00:10:04,592 --> 00:10:06,302
You can tell the dean
you will have a song

236
00:10:06,302 --> 00:10:07,928
that'll make the devil
poop God's pants.

237
00:10:07,928 --> 00:10:10,431
That's exciting.

238
00:10:10,431 --> 00:10:12,183
Mind if I hear
what you got so far?

239
00:10:12,183 --> 00:10:14,728
Well, yeah, sure, I, uh…

240
00:10:14,728 --> 00:10:17,438
I'll probably open
with something like this. Uh…

241
00:10:19,190 --> 00:10:23,820
You know, a note like that.
And end with a note like that.

242
00:10:23,820 --> 00:10:25,154
The words, I can't tell you.

243
00:10:25,154 --> 00:10:28,700
You know,
the rest is really a surprise.

244
00:10:28,700 --> 00:10:30,410
I'm just a little worried.

245
00:10:30,410 --> 00:10:32,161
I keep hearing
the same two notes.

246
00:10:32,161 --> 00:10:35,331
And your sheet music looks like
a Chinese takeout menu.

247
00:10:35,331 --> 00:10:38,793
A musician sees music
in everything, Annie.

248
00:10:38,793 --> 00:10:40,670
I mean, it could be…

249
00:10:45,675 --> 00:10:47,635
You see?
I mean, it just comes out.

250
00:10:47,635 --> 00:10:49,387
You really shouldn't be here
right now.

251
00:10:49,387 --> 00:10:52,265
What?
You are inside a throbbing,

252
00:10:52,265 --> 00:10:54,809
cosmic womb of creativity.

253
00:10:54,809 --> 00:10:57,019
And when this baby
starts kicking,

254
00:10:57,019 --> 00:11:00,356
I cannot be responsible
for your sanity. Ha.

255
00:11:00,356 --> 00:11:03,192
I know it sounds funny,
but let me play you out, okay?

256
00:11:06,362 --> 00:11:08,030
Playing you out now, this song.

257
00:11:08,030 --> 00:11:10,032
You know, like on stage?
Playing you out, okay?

258
00:11:10,032 --> 00:11:11,576
Thanks for coming. Bye-bye.

259
00:11:23,713 --> 00:11:26,466
Then she yelled, "Screw you."
Or, "Screw education."

260
00:11:26,466 --> 00:11:29,093
Or something like that. Then
she stormed out of the room

261
00:11:29,093 --> 00:11:31,387
in her high-heel boots
like it was tampon time.

262
00:11:31,387 --> 00:11:32,722
If you know what I mean.

263
00:11:32,722 --> 00:11:34,682
Objection.
I don't know what he means.

264
00:11:34,682 --> 00:11:36,392
Please don't encourage him.

265
00:11:36,392 --> 00:11:38,185
Do you have any more questions?

266
00:11:38,185 --> 00:11:39,771
The defense calls Britta Perry.

267
00:11:41,481 --> 00:11:43,190
Now, are those
the high-heel boots?

268
00:11:43,190 --> 00:11:44,692
Yes.
Are they comfortable?

269
00:11:44,692 --> 00:11:46,360
Yeah.
I'm just curious. They're cute.

270
00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:49,447
Miss Perry,
did you make that crib sheet?

271
00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:52,575
No.
She confessed.

272
00:11:52,575 --> 00:11:54,494
She confessed
to protect her classmates

273
00:11:54,494 --> 00:11:58,164
because you were threatening
to flunk everyone.

274
00:11:58,164 --> 00:12:01,375
You did what?
Oh. Shut your pompous vortex

275
00:12:01,375 --> 00:12:02,627
of overlapping fangs.

276
00:12:02,627 --> 00:12:04,629
Hey, British dentistry
is not on trial.

277
00:12:04,629 --> 00:12:09,049
Dean Pelton, I move this case
be thrown out of the pool area.

278
00:12:09,049 --> 00:12:10,510
Well, it certainly…

279
00:12:14,722 --> 00:12:15,974
Well, it certainly sounds to me

280
00:12:15,974 --> 00:12:17,851
that this young lady's
only crime

281
00:12:17,851 --> 00:12:20,144
is being a hero
and wanting to be taller.

282
00:12:20,144 --> 00:12:21,604
This tribunal is adjourned.

283
00:12:21,604 --> 00:12:23,230
Wait, I cheated.
And we're back.

284
00:12:23,230 --> 00:12:25,817
Objection.
My client did not cheat.

285
00:12:25,817 --> 00:12:27,067
Yes, I did.

286
00:12:27,067 --> 00:12:29,988
Yes, she did.

287
00:12:29,988 --> 00:12:31,489
But why?

288
00:12:31,489 --> 00:12:34,325
That's the real question,
isn't it?

289
00:12:38,078 --> 00:12:41,415
The world wasn't the only thing
that changed on September 11th.

290
00:12:41,415 --> 00:12:43,751
Oh, Jeff, come on.
Five minute recess?

291
00:12:43,751 --> 00:12:45,294
No, no. There's nothing
in the bylaws

292
00:12:45,294 --> 00:12:47,005
about recesses, all right?

293
00:12:47,005 --> 00:12:50,008
The wheels of justice here
don't stop just because… Oh!

294
00:12:50,008 --> 00:12:52,176
I know, everyone, time out,
time out.

295
00:12:52,176 --> 00:12:54,052
Save the table, save the table.

296
00:12:56,597 --> 00:12:58,056
Beginning transmission.

297
00:12:58,056 --> 00:12:59,851
The primary purpose seems to be
male bonding.

298
00:12:59,851 --> 00:13:01,477
And the attitude
during conveyance

299
00:13:01,477 --> 00:13:04,146
of the random deceit is
apparently of great importance.

300
00:13:04,146 --> 00:13:06,524
The humanoid is approximately
5'10" in height…

301
00:13:06,524 --> 00:13:07,817
What are you doing?

302
00:13:07,817 --> 00:13:10,904
Oh, hey, Troy.
I didn't see you.

303
00:13:10,904 --> 00:13:14,240
Uh, how long were you
standing there?

304
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:15,742
You trying to mess with me?
Yes.

305
00:13:15,742 --> 00:13:17,451
That's what I was doing.
You got me.

306
00:13:17,451 --> 00:13:20,162
I was just messing with you,
but I guess I blew it again..

307
00:13:20,162 --> 00:13:23,917
Yeah, you did.

308
00:13:32,759 --> 00:13:36,387
Don't turn your back on me,
thinking you're all hoity-toity.

309
00:13:36,387 --> 00:13:39,057
Have you got a problem with me?
I don't like the fact

310
00:13:39,057 --> 00:13:41,350
that you're walking around here,
like you're better than me,

311
00:13:41,350 --> 00:13:42,810
in front of my students.
I'm sorry,

312
00:13:42,810 --> 00:13:44,395
do you mind if we
have this conversation

313
00:13:44,395 --> 00:13:45,897
in a room with less balls?

314
00:13:49,191 --> 00:13:53,029
You… You're very confident,
I'll say that.

315
00:13:53,029 --> 00:13:54,614
But you shouldn't be.

316
00:13:54,614 --> 00:13:56,032
What are you
doing out there?

317
00:13:56,032 --> 00:13:58,158
You know I have a problem
with dishonesty.

318
00:13:58,158 --> 00:14:00,787
You're on trial for cheating.

319
00:14:00,787 --> 00:14:02,789
Fine. Look, we'll be fine.

320
00:14:02,789 --> 00:14:04,373
I just have go back out there

321
00:14:04,373 --> 00:14:06,459
and make the case
that you're a good person.

322
00:14:06,459 --> 00:14:08,252
You don't know that.
You're just doing all this

323
00:14:08,252 --> 00:14:10,379
because you wanna sleep with me.
You said it yourself.

324
00:14:10,379 --> 00:14:12,840
You don't even wanna be
my friend.

325
00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:14,425
Wait a minute, wait.

326
00:14:14,425 --> 00:14:16,260
Is that… Is that
what you thought I meant?

327
00:14:16,260 --> 00:14:17,804
Britta, look at me.
Look at me.

328
00:14:17,804 --> 00:14:19,013
I am.

329
00:14:19,013 --> 00:14:21,140
No, look how handsome
my face is.

330
00:14:21,140 --> 00:14:22,892
If all I wanted was sex,

331
00:14:22,892 --> 00:14:24,268
I could get it
from plenty of women

332
00:14:24,268 --> 00:14:26,020
without having
to go through all this crap.

333
00:14:26,020 --> 00:14:27,730
I'm here because I like you.

334
00:14:27,730 --> 00:14:30,942
And I'd… I'd be psyched
to be your friend.

335
00:14:30,942 --> 00:14:32,652
I didn't wanna take sex
off the table

336
00:14:32,652 --> 00:14:35,071
without doing
my due diligence.

337
00:14:35,071 --> 00:14:37,156
I actually believe you.
Well, why wouldn't you?

338
00:14:37,156 --> 00:14:40,701
I don't know. I guess
the same reason that I cheated.

339
00:14:40,701 --> 00:14:43,079
I just have more experience

340
00:14:43,079 --> 00:14:44,413
being worthless.

341
00:14:44,413 --> 00:14:46,373
I think I left that crib sheet
on the floor

342
00:14:46,373 --> 00:14:48,334
because I wanted
to get caught at it.

343
00:14:48,334 --> 00:14:49,794
I'm so used to
screwing everything up,

344
00:14:49,794 --> 00:14:51,378
I just wanted to get
it over with.

345
00:14:51,378 --> 00:14:53,673
Wait.
I think we have our defense.

346
00:14:54,966 --> 00:14:59,178
Gentlemen, my client is insane.
What?

347
00:15:06,268 --> 00:15:08,104
Gentlemen,
I'm sure you suspected

348
00:15:08,104 --> 00:15:10,982
that Miss Perry was pretty odd
before the recess.

349
00:15:10,982 --> 00:15:13,151
But if you could've heard
all the stuff

350
00:15:13,151 --> 00:15:14,861
she just told me in the shower,

351
00:15:14,861 --> 00:15:16,236
you would realize

352
00:15:16,236 --> 00:15:19,573
she is all the way out
of her entire damn mind.

353
00:15:19,573 --> 00:15:21,283
She doesn't want to succeed

354
00:15:21,283 --> 00:15:23,327
because she doesn't think
she can.

355
00:15:23,327 --> 00:15:26,998
So she goes out of her way
to fail.

356
00:15:26,998 --> 00:15:28,332
That's crazy.

357
00:15:28,332 --> 00:15:32,003
But do we really
wanna make it a crime

358
00:15:32,003 --> 00:15:35,048
to be crazy at Greendale?
I mean, look at us.

359
00:15:35,048 --> 00:15:37,925
I mean, you two are arguing
about status

360
00:15:37,925 --> 00:15:40,761
at a college that correspondence
schools make fun of.

361
00:15:40,761 --> 00:15:44,223
Dean, you want so bad
for this place to be Ivy League

362
00:15:44,223 --> 00:15:46,934
that you are putting us at risk
of electrocution.

363
00:15:46,934 --> 00:15:50,396
Because everyone on this campus
is nuts.

364
00:15:50,396 --> 00:15:52,857
Not me.
Oh, come on, Leonard.

365
00:15:52,857 --> 00:15:55,151
If you're gonna argue with me,
put on a bathing suit.

366
00:15:55,151 --> 00:15:56,402
Busted.

367
00:15:57,945 --> 00:16:00,823
If you wanna rehabilitate
your fellow inmate,

368
00:16:00,823 --> 00:16:04,118
you need to sentence her
to staying here with us.

369
00:16:04,118 --> 00:16:07,121
Because if crazy people
can't be at Greendale,

370
00:16:07,121 --> 00:16:09,373
where are we supposed to go?

371
00:16:11,500 --> 00:16:14,754
Wow. Well,
under the circumstances,

372
00:16:14,754 --> 00:16:17,215
I recommend that the accused
be fully exonerated.

373
00:16:17,215 --> 00:16:20,551
On the condition she receives
psychological counseling

374
00:16:20,551 --> 00:16:23,470
on a weekly basis from a trained
mental health professional.

375
00:16:23,470 --> 00:16:25,681
I'm thinking maybe Fridays,
9-ish, something like that.

376
00:16:25,681 --> 00:16:27,266
All in favor say "aye."
Aye.

377
00:16:27,266 --> 00:16:28,893
Yes.
Wait. What?

378
00:16:28,893 --> 00:16:30,061
That just happened.

379
00:16:42,031 --> 00:16:43,991
Greetings, Abed.

380
00:16:47,286 --> 00:16:50,039
Greetings, Abed.
Greetings, commander.

381
00:16:50,039 --> 00:16:53,251
Tell me about
the one they call Troy.

382
00:16:53,251 --> 00:16:54,752
Well, he is rather arrogant

383
00:16:54,752 --> 00:16:56,796
and has no mercy
for weaker beings.

384
00:16:56,796 --> 00:16:58,714
Stop. Stop doing this right now.

385
00:16:58,714 --> 00:17:00,174
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm not an alien.

386
00:17:01,717 --> 00:17:05,304
I never thought you were.
But this is insane, okay?

387
00:17:05,304 --> 00:17:07,890
Those are credible
alien hand movements.

388
00:17:07,890 --> 00:17:09,349
You invented a whole language.

389
00:17:09,349 --> 00:17:11,018
I'm pretty sure
you rented a green screen.

390
00:17:11,018 --> 00:17:13,271
Yeah.
It would be less creepy

391
00:17:13,271 --> 00:17:15,106
if you were
actually an alien.

392
00:17:15,106 --> 00:17:18,609
But this is what friends do.
No. It…

393
00:17:19,652 --> 00:17:21,988
From now on, Abed,

394
00:17:21,988 --> 00:17:24,157
friends don't mess
with each other.

395
00:17:25,324 --> 00:17:28,035
Okay, cool?
Cool, cool. Bang-bang.

396
00:17:30,246 --> 00:17:31,747
Garrett, it's over.
He knows.

397
00:17:34,416 --> 00:17:36,127
You're getting
a little sloppy.

398
00:17:36,127 --> 00:17:37,753
We went over budget.

399
00:17:47,888 --> 00:17:50,349
I've got it.

400
00:17:57,106 --> 00:17:58,357
Oh.

401
00:17:58,357 --> 00:18:00,109
I can't…

402
00:18:03,737 --> 00:18:05,031
Reject.

403
00:18:08,492 --> 00:18:10,161
I'm a fraud, Annie.

404
00:18:10,161 --> 00:18:13,706
I'm no more of a songwriter
than you or Billy Joel.

405
00:18:13,706 --> 00:18:16,167
But what about
the Hawthorne Wipes jingle?

406
00:18:16,167 --> 00:18:18,669
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Sure, the whole thing.

407
00:18:18,669 --> 00:18:20,129
You wanna hear it? Here.

408
00:18:30,139 --> 00:18:31,974
That's "She'll be Comin'
Around the Mountain."

409
00:18:31,974 --> 00:18:35,394
I know. I steal everything.
You backed the wrong horse.

410
00:18:35,394 --> 00:18:38,689
I got nothing.
Pierce, you're musical.

411
00:18:38,689 --> 00:18:40,733
You're creative,
you can do this.

412
00:18:40,733 --> 00:18:41,984
I believe in you.

413
00:18:41,984 --> 00:18:43,610
Well, you shouldn't. I quit.

414
00:18:43,610 --> 00:18:45,363
You listen up, Pierce.

415
00:18:45,363 --> 00:18:47,740
I'm gonna tell you what
my mother told me

416
00:18:47,740 --> 00:18:50,076
when I wanted
to quit cheerleading.

417
00:18:50,076 --> 00:18:52,745
"You're not very pretty,
you have no boobs,

418
00:18:52,745 --> 00:18:54,872
"you can't do basket toss
to save your life,

419
00:18:54,872 --> 00:18:56,957
but you made a commitment."

420
00:18:56,957 --> 00:18:59,001
So pick up your pom-poms,
Pierce.

421
00:18:59,001 --> 00:19:00,419
Stuff your bra,

422
00:19:00,419 --> 00:19:02,588
get ready for team bus
to forget you at Taco Bell

423
00:19:02,588 --> 00:19:04,631
because life is tough.

424
00:19:04,631 --> 00:19:09,011
But we soldier on,
and that's just the way it goes.

425
00:19:11,597 --> 00:19:13,640
I'm gonna play myself out.

426
00:19:16,727 --> 00:19:18,771
"The way it goes."

427
00:19:18,771 --> 00:19:21,023
That's it.

428
00:19:21,023 --> 00:19:25,152
One, two, Luis Guzmán. Oh!

429
00:19:25,152 --> 00:19:27,947
Oh. Oh.
All right, Luis.

430
00:19:27,947 --> 00:19:29,949
Greendale may never be Harvard…

431
00:19:29,949 --> 00:19:31,284
Don't talk to me for a while.

432
00:19:31,284 --> 00:19:33,077
No problem.
Just glad you're here.

433
00:19:33,077 --> 00:19:35,829
I'd like to introduce
our student, Pierce Hawthorne,

434
00:19:35,829 --> 00:19:39,292
who's written Greendale
its own school song.

435
00:19:39,292 --> 00:19:41,043
Pierce, okay.

436
00:19:41,043 --> 00:19:42,878
Thank you, dean, thank you.

437
00:19:42,878 --> 00:19:44,422
This song goes out to Annie

438
00:19:46,048 --> 00:19:47,841
for believing in me.

439
00:20:05,234 --> 00:20:06,986
Is this Bruce Hornsby's?
Yup.

440
00:20:06,986 --> 00:20:09,488
Does he know he stole it?
I don't think so. Let him enjoy.

441
00:20:09,488 --> 00:20:11,531
Could we get sued?
Not sure.

442
00:20:14,910 --> 00:20:16,370
Yeah, they got us.

443
00:20:59,788 --> 00:21:01,332
How many?
Thirty-six. You win.

444
00:21:01,332 --> 00:21:02,833
Best of three?
Yeah.

445
00:21:07,587 --> 00:21:08,797
Ah…