Good afternoon, Greendale.
with a few corrections I am your dean
to the fall class catalogue.
Cosmology should be Cosmetology.
Astrology should be Astronomy.
The students on the cover should be smiling,
but that's a matter of opinion.
a small patch of cannabis Whoever is growing
behind the gymnasium,
you have won a cruise. congratulations,
to claim your tickets. Report to security
In order to increase awareness of homelessness,
security has been given binoculars.
In campus news,
the debate over our library's PA system continues,
with some students suggesting its volume be lowered,
while others question its very purpose.
More on that story as it unfolds.
That dude makes a lot of announcements.
It makes every 10 minutes I like it.
feel like a new scene of a TV show.
The illusion lasts until someone says something
they never say on TV,
like how much life is like TV. There, it's gone.
Jeff's running late again.
We should get started… What a shame.
No, I think we should wait for Jeff before we start.
But when Jeff gets here, we could talk to him,
about his tardiness. as a group,
Oh, come on now. Don't use that word around Abed.
a chat with Jeff, I'd do it. If you want me to have
kind of, sort of like brothers. We've got a bond going,
Hope your mom didn't make you take baths together.
would have been like 30. One of you
Jeff probably comes late That's funny.
so he doesn't have to sit through your tardiness.
Sorry, Abed.
Hey, will you guys have some self-respect?
obsessing over someone You are
who does not give you a second thought.
journalists are being killed In Guatemala,
by their own government.
What's happening in Guatemala?
Nothing.
are being murdered? Journalists
Every day in that country,
people are being killed for speaking out.
The worst part of it is, when it's all over…
…it's as if it never happened. Spoilers.
Hmm? Hey, Abed.
they don't have spoilers. Real stories,
and life are different, right? You understand that TV
Hey.
My lady. My lord.
Hey, baby. Hi, sweetie.
You smell nice. Vitamin P.
Morning, Jeffrey. People were jazzed to see me too.
Word them everywhere. Word them up.
Good entrance. Thank you. It was for you.
Hey, Jeff. Britta.
Think there's something that the group
to talk to you about. would like
Okay. If you're gonna study with people,
to show up on time. it would be cool
Oh. Were you waiting? No.
I just got here. No.
You guys usually spend the first 20 minutes
your interesting lives talking about
and your cool emotional problems.
I feel like I never have anything to offer.
No. Truth is, Oh!
than this three-ring binder. my life is emptier
Annie, do you have any Spanish notes that might fit in there?
Wow. Double-spaced. Thank you.
So, what's a guy gotta do to get a C around here?
To run out of steam ♪ d Give me the hope
It could be here ♪ d Somebody said
Tied up, dead in a year ♪ d We could be roped up
They all just fade away d d One by one
Good study.
Thanks for good study. See you later.
Hey, you know what today is?
of my horrible first impression. It's the two-week anniversary
There's a card for that? Not specifically.
But if you think of grandsons as metaphors for friendship,
I think you'll agree with this Transformer here
that it's time for ours to become a man
Look, Jeff, by reading from the Torah.
you're harmless enough to me.
has given me douche-ray vision. A life full of ups and downs
But those are good people in there,
and they trust and respect you,
and watching you exploit them bums me out.
They're my friends. Exploit them?
Can I bring your car around?
No, Abed, I don't want you bring my car around.
I'll bring yours around, good guy.
You get going, all right?
You're cute but selfish,
and narcissistic to the point of near-delusion.
She said I was cute. Tell you what. You take her.
I have less to prove.
Jeff, you can't pursue people so desperately.
creep them out. It starts to
Why don't we get a beer? I'll give you advice,
and we can have what the kids are calling a sausage fest.
I'm not much of a sausage guy, Pierce. Maybe next time.
Next time then.
Hey.
Britta, will you tell us more about Guatemala?
I wanna be political.
That's good. You should discover that stuff on your own.
We need your help. We've been living on the wrong side.
You're like Jodie Foster or Susan Sarandon.
You'd rather keep it real than be likeable.
Can you at least tell us what to Google?
journalist Chacata-Panecos. You could start with the
Wrote an article critical of the government and they killed him.
Can we have a protest? That's horrible.
I wanna protest something.
like lesbians on the news. A candlelight vigil,
I could make brownies.
Brownies?
Every once in a while, a student will ask:
why do you teach Spanish?" "Señor Chang,
They say it just like that.
"Why do you teach Spanish?"
Why you.
Why not math?
Why not photography?
Why not martial arts?
in my nature to instruct you I mean, surely it must be
in something that's ancient and secret
you can see from outer space. like, building a wall that
Well, I'll tell you why I teach Spanish.
It is none of your business, okay?
conversations about what a… Now, I don't wanna have any
inscrutable man I am. …mysterious,
IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] [LAUGHING
I am a Spanish genius!
In espanol my nickname is El Tigre Chino.
will bite her face off. Because my knowledge
So don't question Señor Chang or you'll get bit.
Yeah, bit. Yeah, bit.
we'll be having conversations Okay, Friday mañana,
using some phrases we learned. with the rest of the class,
You'll be partnering up in pairs of dos.
CHUCKLES]
under your desk, So if you look
you will find a card with either a picture or a word on it, okay?
Por ejemplo, Blondie, aqui,
has a card with a picture of a house on it.
So that means the person with the card
with the word "casa" on it is her partner.
Comprende, Star-Burns?
Okay, see you Friday, find your partners, have a great day.
at the end of every class? And what do we say
Ninety percent of Spanish. Come on, hands.
Good. Abed, Abed, Abed.
Do you want to trade cards? No.
I'll give you 20 bucks.
No.
Fifty bucks. No.
Don't want money. Want your shirt.
What?
I've had my eye on it since registration.
Fine. Give me your card.
I don't think you understand. I wanna wear it out of here.
Thanks. Gracias. Gracias.
What are the odds?
Are you sure you didn't adjust the odds?
I know Abed's been eyeing that shirt for three weeks.
It's almost like you gave it to him so he would switch cards.
because I'm not selfish. I gave Abed my shirt
Which is I guess you'll discover
while we are working on this.
Tomorrow night? Dinner, drinks?
That's something we should discuss with our partners.
Oh, see, I did switch cards.
Can you believe this? What are the odds?
That's a nice shirt. Wanna sell it?
Yes.
What's the moist towelette industry like?
it's nothing like the product. Oh, believe me,
dry, large business. No, it's a hard,
Destroyed all my marriages.
It didn't help any that I can't have children.
In fact it's a rare condition I'm not sterile.
called hyper-virility.
My sperm shoot through the egg like bullets.
Can you believe that? I can't.
so that's fine. But you can,
So the assignment is to write a Spanish conversation
using those five phrases… Ooh.
Hemingway's lemonade.
Don't need to make this a long evening.
a piece of garbage to you? What am I,
What? No.
Got you. Hey, come on,
let's have one drink before we work.
Mm, mm, mm.
To the empowerage of words.
of that sentence. To the irony
So, what's up with you?
It seems like you got a burr up your ass or something.
Well, I guess that it's, uh… I think it's Britta.
to know about her is her name. Forget Britta. All you have
What is she, a water filter? I mean, she's ugly.
Okay.
with me saying, donde… Why don't we start
What the hell are you doing? Our assignment.
Oh, no, no, no.
This is the first time people are gonna see
Winger and Hawthorne together.
We're gonna show them we're to be reckoned with.
Come on, let's brainstorm some story ideas.
Better yet, before we do that, let's ask ourselves…
…what is a story? Oh, my God in heaven.
Guatemala, we hate
If you like that brownie, you're gonna hate
what's going on in Guatemala. Google it.
Oh, hey, hey. Hi.
Raise the truth.
Okay, once it gets dark, I hand out the candles,
and we do what's called a speechless protest.
We put tape over our mouths and gather hand in hand
of outraged silence. in a sea
Star-Burns, no, no.
What's gotten into you? This is not how you do this.
We know it's not how you do it. Because we're doing everything.
But this is tacky and lame.
I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.
What I meant to say
is really personal to me. was that this cause
we're not allowed to protest? Are you saying that
you sound like Guatemala. Britta,
Somebody has a case of "likes to use fringe politics
to make themselves feel special but doesn't ever do anything."
Itis. No, I do things. I…
I went to…
I don't do anything.
What can I do?
the Chacata-Panecos piñata. You can hang
he was beaten to death? You guys realize
That's where we got the idea from.
Poignant.
All right.
what I've got so far. Okay, tell me
What we have so far?
Well, we have something incredibly long
and a little homophobic. and very confusing,
specifically, surprisingly And really, really,
and gratuitously critical of Israel.
It's called "Two Conquistadors." Should probably be dos.
I mean, it is Spanish class. Oh, which reminds me.
The only thing not included in this epic
are the five phrases required to get me a passing grade.
Needs more work. You're right.
What are you guys doing? I have no idea.
Headed to the demonstration. What, hippies?
Some cause Britta's into. It's a silent protest,
lots of candles. Gets the ladies in the mood for social change.
Good chance to put miles on this shirt.
You realize these conversations are due in the morning?
Oh, yeah. Right.
What do you wanna do?
Pfft. Hacks.
Okay, what do we do about the ending of act two?
what we're going to do. I'll tell you
We are gonna take this
in a museum for crazy people. and we're gonna put it
Then we're gonna take this and memorize five phrases
tomorrow morning before class. Good night.
Wait a minute. You're bailing on our first sausage fest?
This is your definition of friendship?
No, this is my definition of you trying way too hard
and harder to stay polite. and me finding it harder
This was a fine way to spend an evening devoid of hope,
but the woman I kind of like is out in the moonlight
caring about something stupid.
This is my chance to show her that I care enough to act
like I care about it too.
That's all you had to say. That was it? Oh.
Would've been great if I had done that two hours ago.
Thanks. Nice sign.
I like what you've done with the place.
I think was a little too harsh on you. I'm not perfect.
to show you the ropes. I am. I'd be happy
Awesome.
Look at awesome Jeffrey Winger.
Too awesome for old Pierce
with your hip shirts and your gelled hair
and your cool tape over your mouth.
Why is everybody wearing tape over their mouth?
It's a protest, Pierce.
Oh, good.
Because I know what I'd like to protest. How much you hurt me.
will bring us together Conflicts like these
as an unlikely family.
You have horrible breath.
You constantly blow me off, then you want me to do your homework.
I'm trying too hard Then you tell me
to be your friend so you have to go.
You had to come out here to pretend to care
about the stupid stuff she cares about.
He is paraphrasing. His words, not mine.
I got an idea. Why don't you go get a cup of coffee
and hold some waitress hostage with a monologue about sperm.
some sperm, buddy. I'll show you
What the hell? I'm on fire! Is this your idea?
No, I'm not ready to die.
Oh, he's… He's…
He's jumped in the fountain.
Please call 911. He's fine.
We did it, girl. Page three. Have you seen it?
It's about Pierce, but listen to that paragraph.
"The incident occurred during a protest"
in Guatemala." Awareness! "regarding events
This is a real damn newspaper.
There's a Marmaduke in here.
I ever accomplished. It's more than
ethnic cleansing in Burma? Did you know about the
We need to bust out that brownie mix.
Morning. Morning.
Oh, no, I get it.
Garfield's wishing me a Arbor Day, you'd like a fresh start.
It's actually Secretaries Day. Nice try.
It says I'm sorry about crashing your protest
self-immolating baby boomer. with that drunken,
We don't blame you. Pierce has always been on my watch list.
That dude is crazy. He told me girls have two pee holes.
I sang carols at a nursing home.
I've seen the face of dementia, and last night, I saw it again.
You know what he did that's really crazy?
He offered me a $100 to switch cards with him
just so he could be partners with Jeff.
I think he thought getting closer to Jeff
would bring him respect in the group.
I think he spent his whole life looking out for himself,
and he would trade it all for a shot at some family.
SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] [PIERCE & CHANG
Hola, cl Hola.
Time for our presentations.
to be Jeff and Pierce, First up was supposed
but Pierce explained the situation to me.
There was a falling out, things were said, people were betrayed.
Wow.
Pierce's side of the story, Jeff, having heard
the only humane thing to do would be to give you a C
his presentation alone. and let Pierce do
If that sounds fair to you.
That doesn't sound fair to me at all.
I understand if you don't wanna be my friend.
But this thing that we've created,
it is bigger than the both of us,
to be done right. and it deserves
All right.
Okay, um, guys, why are there costumes involved?
These are short conversations. They're not supposed to take…
Your breath away?
Well, tough.
You ready, amigo? Sí.
"WISE UP" PLAYING] [AIMEE MANN'S
F, F-minus.
What?
What? Did you say S?
So…
that was one of the worst things I have ever seen.
Which I guess makes being a part of it a pretty selfless act.
So I'm impressed.
How do you know I didn't do it
just to get another shot at you?
A smart guy like you would know that no woman in that class
will be able to look at you
as a sexually viable candidate ever again.
I thought of that. No, I know.
She looked back.
Aah!
You did an all right job up there, my friend.
Thanks, Pierce.
You got this thing you do with your face
when you're trying to be funny, forces people
to think about how cool you think you are.
Yeah, boy, boy.
What? It's 2009. Yeah.
Word.