1 00:01:02,404 --> 00:01:05,240 Good morning. 2 00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:07,535 Many of you are halfway through 3 00:01:07,535 --> 00:01:11,038 your first week here at Greendale, and as your dean, 4 00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:13,833 I thought I would share 5 00:01:13,833 --> 00:01:16,418 a few thoughts of wisdom and inspiration. 6 00:01:16,418 --> 00:01:18,337 What is community college? 7 00:01:18,337 --> 00:01:21,006 Well, you've heard all kinds of things. 8 00:01:21,006 --> 00:01:25,636 You've heard it's loser college for remedial teens, 9 00:01:25,636 --> 00:01:27,847 20-something dropouts, 10 00:01:27,847 --> 00:01:30,432 middle-aged divorcees, 11 00:01:30,432 --> 00:01:32,434 and old people keeping their minds active 12 00:01:32,434 --> 00:01:35,354 as they circle the drain of eternity. 13 00:01:35,354 --> 00:01:37,481 That's what you've heard. 14 00:01:37,481 --> 00:01:40,401 However, I wish you luck. 15 00:01:44,946 --> 00:01:46,866 Okay, you know… Uh-oh. 16 00:01:46,866 --> 00:01:48,325 There's more to this speech. 17 00:01:48,325 --> 00:01:50,077 There's a middle card that's missing. 18 00:01:50,077 --> 00:01:51,746 Can we look around our immediate areas? 19 00:01:51,746 --> 00:01:53,205 Because I really wanted to… 20 00:01:53,205 --> 00:01:55,416 I'm only half Arabic. My dad is Palestinian. 21 00:01:55,416 --> 00:01:57,793 He's a U.S. citizen, he's not a threat to national security. 22 00:01:57,793 --> 00:02:00,170 A lot of people wanna know that because he has an angry energy. 23 00:02:00,170 --> 00:02:02,297 But not angry at America, angry at my mom for leaving. 24 00:02:02,297 --> 00:02:03,799 She did leave because he was angry 25 00:02:03,799 --> 00:02:05,509 and he was angry because she's American. 26 00:02:05,509 --> 00:02:08,888 My name's Abed. Abed, nice to know you 27 00:02:08,888 --> 00:02:10,556 and then meet you, in that order. 28 00:02:10,556 --> 00:02:13,350 Now about that question that I had? Oh, uh… 29 00:02:13,350 --> 00:02:15,143 Five after 11 when you asked. 30 00:02:15,143 --> 00:02:16,562 Abed. Yeah. 31 00:02:16,562 --> 00:02:18,272 What's the deal with the hot girl 32 00:02:18,272 --> 00:02:20,775 from Spanish class? I can't find a road in there. 33 00:02:20,775 --> 00:02:23,569 I talked to her once while she was borrowing a pencil. 34 00:02:23,569 --> 00:02:25,945 But her name is Britta, 28, birthday in October. 35 00:02:25,945 --> 00:02:27,531 Has two older brothers. One works with children 36 00:02:27,531 --> 00:02:29,324 who have a disorder I might look up. 37 00:02:29,324 --> 00:02:31,285 She thinks she's gonna flunk tomorrow's test. 38 00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:34,455 She needs to focus. She's sorry if that makes her seem cold. 39 00:02:34,455 --> 00:02:40,252 Holy crap. Abed, I see your value now. 40 00:02:41,879 --> 00:02:44,214 That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. 41 00:02:44,214 --> 00:02:46,216 Jeff Winger, 42 00:02:46,216 --> 00:02:48,009 genius at law. 43 00:02:48,009 --> 00:02:49,428 You gotta stop saying that. 44 00:02:49,428 --> 00:02:53,766 I will never do that. Sit down. Sit down. 45 00:02:53,766 --> 00:02:55,476 So, what is my lawyer doing here? 46 00:02:55,476 --> 00:02:56,852 I'm a student. 47 00:02:56,852 --> 00:03:00,564 Well, that cannot be an inspiring journey. 48 00:03:00,564 --> 00:03:02,942 Uh, I am in a bit of a jam. 49 00:03:02,942 --> 00:03:05,486 The state bar has suspended my license. 50 00:03:05,486 --> 00:03:09,448 They found out my college degree was less than legitimate. 51 00:03:09,448 --> 00:03:11,283 You had a bachelor's from Columbia? 52 00:03:11,283 --> 00:03:13,911 Now I have to get one from America. 53 00:03:13,911 --> 00:03:15,621 It can't be an e-mail attachment. 54 00:03:15,621 --> 00:03:17,706 Well, you've picked a fine school. 55 00:03:17,706 --> 00:03:19,291 Yes. And I'm hoping 56 00:03:19,291 --> 00:03:23,003 that our friendship will yield certain advantages. 57 00:03:23,003 --> 00:03:24,797 You know, academic guidance. Yes. 58 00:03:24,797 --> 00:03:26,047 Moral support. 59 00:03:26,047 --> 00:03:28,049 Every answer to every test 60 00:03:28,049 --> 00:03:31,094 for every one of the classes that I'm taking. 61 00:03:31,094 --> 00:03:33,931 Here's my schedule. Now, Jeff, just by asking that 62 00:03:33,931 --> 00:03:37,977 you have insulted the integrity of this entire institution. Oi. 63 00:03:37,977 --> 00:03:41,647 Waster. Not a bathroom. Not a bathroom. 64 00:03:41,647 --> 00:03:45,526 Okay. Duncan, you did seem less into integrity 65 00:03:45,526 --> 00:03:47,611 the day that I convinced 12 of your peers 66 00:03:47,611 --> 00:03:50,364 that when you made that U-turn on the freeway 67 00:03:50,364 --> 00:03:52,950 and tried to order chalupas from the emergency call box 68 00:03:52,950 --> 00:03:56,244 that your only real crime was loving America. 69 00:03:56,244 --> 00:03:59,498 I'll look into it. Thank you. 70 00:03:59,498 --> 00:04:01,667 Duncan, you are a good man. 71 00:04:01,667 --> 00:04:04,043 Jeff, are you familiar with the adage 72 00:04:04,043 --> 00:04:05,462 "Cheaters never prosper"? 73 00:04:05,462 --> 00:04:08,549 No. And if I wanted to learn something, 74 00:04:08,549 --> 00:04:10,551 I wouldn't have come to community college. 75 00:04:40,873 --> 00:04:43,918 Oh, hey, Spanish. Yeah, don't hit on me, okay? 76 00:04:43,918 --> 00:04:46,336 Whoa. Uh, I wouldn't dream of it. 77 00:04:46,336 --> 00:04:49,256 I just wanted to let you know about my Spanish study group. 78 00:04:50,549 --> 00:04:53,510 Oh, whoa, whoa. The guy playing "Bejeweled" 79 00:04:53,510 --> 00:04:55,930 on his iPhone all class has a study group? 80 00:04:55,930 --> 00:04:57,347 Can I sign up twice? 81 00:04:57,347 --> 00:04:59,433 I'm taking the class as an easy credit. 82 00:04:59,433 --> 00:05:03,062 I'm actually a Spanish tutor. Board certified. 83 00:05:03,062 --> 00:05:04,646 Can you say that in Spanish now? 84 00:05:11,987 --> 00:05:13,488 I really need help with Spanish. 85 00:05:13,488 --> 00:05:15,282 I was willing to bet. I'm Jeff. 86 00:05:15,282 --> 00:05:16,992 Or jefe. 87 00:05:16,992 --> 00:05:18,077 We meet at the library at 4. 88 00:05:18,077 --> 00:05:20,079 Yeah. Britta. Thanks. 89 00:05:29,504 --> 00:05:31,673 Hey, all right, come on in. 90 00:05:31,673 --> 00:05:33,508 I rented the table. 91 00:05:33,508 --> 00:05:36,344 Yeah, here's the, uh, contact sheet. 92 00:05:36,344 --> 00:05:38,722 Just put your stuff there. That's… 93 00:05:38,722 --> 00:05:42,935 Man, the rest of the group is running late. 94 00:05:42,935 --> 00:05:44,561 But you and I can get acquainted. 95 00:05:44,561 --> 00:05:46,814 You may have noticed this morning, 96 00:05:46,814 --> 00:05:49,149 not so good at small talk. Yeah. I like big talk. 97 00:05:49,149 --> 00:05:50,818 What's your deal? That's not small talk? 98 00:05:50,818 --> 00:05:52,653 What's your deal, and is God dead? 99 00:05:53,737 --> 00:05:55,114 All right, you wanna know my deal? 100 00:05:55,114 --> 00:05:56,573 Mm. My deal is, 101 00:05:56,573 --> 00:05:58,033 above all else, honesty. 102 00:05:58,033 --> 00:06:00,368 Honesty. Yeah. 103 00:06:00,368 --> 00:06:02,037 You tell the truth, I'll like you. 104 00:06:02,037 --> 00:06:04,665 You lie to me, I will never talk to you again. 105 00:06:04,665 --> 00:06:07,292 That's a good deal. So, what's your deal? 106 00:06:07,292 --> 00:06:09,837 Uh… I would have to go… 107 00:06:09,837 --> 00:06:14,091 I would have to say, um, honesty. 108 00:06:14,091 --> 00:06:16,969 Because I would say anything to get what I want, 109 00:06:16,969 --> 00:06:21,306 and I want you to like me. So, uh… 110 00:06:21,306 --> 00:06:23,976 Well, that's a very honest answer. 111 00:06:23,976 --> 00:06:25,310 For now, I like you fine. 112 00:06:25,310 --> 00:06:28,939 Really? Wow. You're easy. Hell, yeah. 113 00:06:28,939 --> 00:06:31,232 Abed. In the house. 114 00:06:31,232 --> 00:06:32,693 Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! 115 00:06:32,693 --> 00:06:35,154 Whoo. Why? 116 00:06:35,154 --> 00:06:37,031 Britta invited me. Is that cool? 117 00:06:37,031 --> 00:06:40,034 Oh, I can't think of a single logical reason why not. 118 00:06:40,034 --> 00:06:42,201 Cool. There you go. 119 00:06:42,201 --> 00:06:43,954 Put your info down right there. 120 00:06:43,954 --> 00:06:47,499 Cool, cool, cool. Cool, cool, cool. 121 00:06:47,499 --> 00:06:50,711 Hey, this is kind of like Breakfast Club, huh? 122 00:06:50,711 --> 00:06:52,379 We are in a library. 123 00:06:52,379 --> 00:06:54,131 I'm sure we've each got an issue balled up inside 124 00:06:54,131 --> 00:06:55,632 that would make us cry if we talked about it. 125 00:06:55,632 --> 00:06:57,968 Do you have something balled up inside you? 126 00:06:57,968 --> 00:07:01,930 I got doozy in the chamber if things get emotional. 127 00:07:03,724 --> 00:07:05,517 Hey, text message. 128 00:07:05,517 --> 00:07:07,102 Let's give this bad boy a read. 129 00:07:07,102 --> 00:07:08,937 Uh, er, it's probably… It's just for your eyes. 130 00:07:08,937 --> 00:07:11,773 "Say you have to pee. I need to talk to you." 131 00:07:11,773 --> 00:07:14,317 "Say you have to pee." That is weird. 132 00:07:14,317 --> 00:07:15,360 Do you have to pee? 133 00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:17,154 No. That's so weird. Hmm. 134 00:07:17,154 --> 00:07:18,989 Well, I'm stumped. That's very creepy. 135 00:07:18,989 --> 00:07:20,699 That makes two of us. 136 00:07:20,699 --> 00:07:21,992 What's that? 137 00:07:21,992 --> 00:07:23,869 Does it say you have to pee? 138 00:07:23,869 --> 00:07:27,288 It's just someone with misguided grasp of abbreviation. 139 00:07:27,288 --> 00:07:28,790 I just need five minutes. 140 00:07:28,790 --> 00:07:32,419 So go ahead and study all the verbs in Spanish. 141 00:07:34,213 --> 00:07:35,422 Spanish. 142 00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:38,008 Suppose I was to say to you 143 00:07:38,008 --> 00:07:40,719 it was possible to get those test answers. 144 00:07:40,719 --> 00:07:42,096 I would say go for that. 145 00:07:42,096 --> 00:07:43,764 And could have said so in a text. 146 00:07:43,764 --> 00:07:45,224 I'm asking if you know the difference 147 00:07:45,224 --> 00:07:47,559 between right and wrong. 148 00:07:47,559 --> 00:07:50,604 I discovered at a very early age that if I talked long enough, 149 00:07:50,604 --> 00:07:52,522 I could make anything right or wrong. 150 00:07:52,522 --> 00:07:55,650 So either I'm God or truth is relative, 151 00:07:55,650 --> 00:07:58,570 and in either case, booyah. Oh. Interesting. 152 00:07:58,570 --> 00:08:01,531 It's just, the average person has harder time saying booyah 153 00:08:01,531 --> 00:08:03,158 to moral relativism. 154 00:08:03,158 --> 00:08:05,244 You don't have to play shrink to protect your pride. 155 00:08:05,244 --> 00:08:06,995 I accept you're chicken. 156 00:08:06,995 --> 00:08:09,081 I'm a professor. You can't talk to me that way. 157 00:08:09,081 --> 00:08:11,208 A 6-year-old girl could talk to you that way. 158 00:08:11,208 --> 00:08:12,709 Yes, because that would be adorable. 159 00:08:12,709 --> 00:08:14,920 No, because you're a 5-year-old girl, 160 00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:16,255 and there's a pecking order. 161 00:08:16,255 --> 00:08:18,173 Fine, I'll do it. Thank you. 162 00:08:18,173 --> 00:08:21,093 Yeah, with pleasure. Bye. 163 00:08:21,093 --> 00:08:22,886 Yes, good. 164 00:08:22,886 --> 00:08:26,306 Why am I still shouting? I'm drawing attention to myself. 165 00:08:26,306 --> 00:08:27,975 You guys aren't gonna believe this, 166 00:08:27,975 --> 00:08:29,350 but the rest of the group… 167 00:08:30,936 --> 00:08:32,312 Is here. 168 00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:34,564 Are you the board-certified tutor? 169 00:08:34,564 --> 00:08:36,483 That means you do my homework, right, Seacrest? 170 00:08:36,483 --> 00:08:38,777 I need to call my babysitter if we gonna be late. 171 00:08:38,777 --> 00:08:40,988 What board certifies a tutor? Where's Britta? 172 00:08:40,988 --> 00:08:42,990 Not sure. I invited people from Spanish class. 173 00:08:42,990 --> 00:08:46,701 Is that cool? It's the coolest. 174 00:08:46,701 --> 00:08:49,871 I'm gonna go to the bathroom. 175 00:08:49,871 --> 00:08:54,542 And bring my jacket, wallet and keys with me 176 00:08:54,542 --> 00:08:56,878 in case there's a fire. 177 00:08:56,878 --> 00:08:58,546 Should we go with him? 178 00:08:58,546 --> 00:09:00,674 Gonna leave my homework with Slumdog Millionaire. 179 00:09:00,674 --> 00:09:01,925 That's borderline racist. 180 00:09:06,888 --> 00:09:08,223 And busted. 181 00:09:08,223 --> 00:09:09,641 Listen. 182 00:09:09,641 --> 00:09:12,602 Now you know. I'm a smoker. 183 00:09:12,602 --> 00:09:14,729 Yeah, but they're filtered, so that makes them safe. 184 00:09:14,729 --> 00:09:17,858 You ready to get started? Looks like your group showed up. 185 00:09:17,858 --> 00:09:20,777 Not mine. I think Abed took out a page on Craigslist. 186 00:09:20,777 --> 00:09:22,863 And I was trained never to say this, 187 00:09:22,863 --> 00:09:25,657 but I think that group may be untutorable. 188 00:09:25,657 --> 00:09:26,950 Oh, really? 189 00:09:26,950 --> 00:09:29,077 Why don't you and I go study over… 190 00:09:29,077 --> 00:09:30,954 Dinner? Or drinks. 191 00:09:30,954 --> 00:09:33,498 I think, actually, we should prioritize here 192 00:09:33,498 --> 00:09:36,335 and study first and then go to dinner. 193 00:09:38,170 --> 00:09:40,380 And if they really prove to be untutorable, 194 00:09:40,380 --> 00:09:42,132 we'll slip out early. 195 00:09:42,132 --> 00:09:45,927 Oh, they will be untutorable. 196 00:09:54,353 --> 00:09:58,481 All right. Look at this crew. 197 00:09:58,481 --> 00:10:01,235 All ready to study all night. 198 00:10:01,235 --> 00:10:02,527 I can stay till 10. 199 00:10:02,527 --> 00:10:04,946 But who studies with strangers, right? 200 00:10:04,946 --> 00:10:06,656 My name is Jeff. 201 00:10:06,656 --> 00:10:09,326 Jeff, it's a pleasure. My name is Pierce Hawthorne. 202 00:10:09,326 --> 00:10:12,204 And, yes, that is Hawthorne as in Hawthorne Wipes, 203 00:10:12,204 --> 00:10:14,039 the award-winning moist towelette. 204 00:10:14,039 --> 00:10:15,623 I was just gonna ask. 205 00:10:15,623 --> 00:10:17,542 I'm a Toastmaster. I should do the introductions. 206 00:10:17,542 --> 00:10:18,960 Definitely. You know Brittles. 207 00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:21,629 Britta. Abed. Abed the Arab. 208 00:10:21,629 --> 00:10:23,382 Is that inappropriate? Sure. 209 00:10:23,382 --> 00:10:25,217 Roy, Roy, the wonder boy… Troy. 210 00:10:25,217 --> 00:10:26,843 Little princess Elizabeth… Annie. 211 00:10:26,843 --> 00:10:30,847 And this beautiful creature is named Shirley. 212 00:10:30,847 --> 00:10:32,307 Is that even close? 213 00:10:32,307 --> 00:10:34,684 I'd like to know why I had to find out 214 00:10:34,684 --> 00:10:35,852 about this group on accident. 215 00:10:35,852 --> 00:10:37,604 Way more like Breakfast Club. 216 00:10:37,604 --> 00:10:40,357 There's breakfast? We should get started… 217 00:10:40,357 --> 00:10:42,567 I've been a part of a lot of study groups that fell apart 218 00:10:42,567 --> 00:10:44,736 because of unresolved tension. 219 00:10:44,736 --> 00:10:47,530 Shouldn't we address Annie's concern? Did we not invite her? 220 00:10:47,530 --> 00:10:49,574 Well, Annie, sweetie, it's not behind your back. 221 00:10:49,574 --> 00:10:51,993 Can we stop with the "pumpkins" and the "sweeties"? 222 00:10:51,993 --> 00:10:53,995 Being younger does not make me inferior. 223 00:10:53,995 --> 00:10:55,789 if anything, your age indicates 224 00:10:55,789 --> 00:10:57,498 that you've made bad life decisions. 225 00:10:57,498 --> 00:10:59,626 Shirley has a response. No, no, no. Don't. 226 00:10:59,626 --> 00:11:02,170 It looks like you do. Shirley, go ahead. 227 00:11:02,170 --> 00:11:03,880 Okay, okay. 228 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,883 I'm sure I've made some bad life decisions. 229 00:11:06,883 --> 00:11:09,970 And maybe Annie's decisions will be better. 230 00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:11,679 I think she needs to decide 231 00:11:11,679 --> 00:11:14,266 whether she wants to be considered a child or an adult, 232 00:11:14,266 --> 00:11:16,017 because children get pity, 233 00:11:16,017 --> 00:11:18,979 but not respect, and adults, they get respect. 234 00:11:18,979 --> 00:11:21,648 They also get their head grabbed and pushed through jukeboxes. 235 00:11:21,648 --> 00:11:25,568 Okay. Why don't we try learning "jukebox" in Spanish? 236 00:11:25,568 --> 00:11:27,112 What are you doing? Pierce. 237 00:11:27,112 --> 00:11:29,364 Let's discuss this creepiness. Pardon you? 238 00:11:29,364 --> 00:11:31,408 What are you doing? I'm certified. 239 00:11:31,408 --> 00:11:32,826 Are you unaware 240 00:11:32,826 --> 00:11:35,370 that Shirley finds your advances inappropriate? 241 00:11:35,370 --> 00:11:37,664 What advances? 242 00:11:37,664 --> 00:11:39,416 You have been sexually harassing me 243 00:11:39,416 --> 00:11:41,751 since the very first day of class. 244 00:11:41,751 --> 00:11:43,211 Sexually harassing? 245 00:11:43,211 --> 00:11:45,422 What…? That makes no sense to me. 246 00:11:45,422 --> 00:11:47,257 Why would I harass somebody who turns me on? 247 00:11:47,257 --> 00:11:51,428 Saying she turns you on is the harassment, dude. 248 00:11:51,428 --> 00:11:53,596 Hey. 249 00:11:53,596 --> 00:11:55,098 I am a prominent business leader 250 00:11:55,098 --> 00:11:56,808 and a highly sought-after dinner guest. 251 00:11:56,808 --> 00:11:58,810 And I will not take courting advice 252 00:11:58,810 --> 00:12:00,270 from some teenage boy. 253 00:12:00,270 --> 00:12:03,940 This teenage boy is a quarterback and prom king. 254 00:12:03,940 --> 00:12:05,900 You're not prom king anymore, Troy. 255 00:12:05,900 --> 00:12:08,362 This isn't Riverside High. How'd you know I went there? 256 00:12:08,362 --> 00:12:12,782 Because you're still wearing your stupid letter jacket, 257 00:12:12,782 --> 00:12:15,243 Were you that girl that got hooked on pills and dropped out? 258 00:12:15,243 --> 00:12:17,037 You're little Annie Adderall. 259 00:12:17,037 --> 00:12:20,999 And you're a stupid jock who lost his scholarship 260 00:12:20,999 --> 00:12:22,876 by dislocating both shoulders in a keg stand. 261 00:12:22,876 --> 00:12:25,462 Keg flip. Very hard to pull off. 262 00:12:25,462 --> 00:12:28,340 Don't talk to me. You don't know… I'm a legend. 263 00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:35,805 You know what I got for Christmas? 264 00:12:35,805 --> 00:12:38,892 It was a banner year at the Bender family. 265 00:12:38,892 --> 00:12:41,311 I got a carton of cigarettes. 266 00:12:41,311 --> 00:12:42,937 The old man grabbed me. He said, 267 00:12:42,937 --> 00:12:44,398 "Hey, smoke up, Johnny." 268 00:12:46,358 --> 00:12:48,985 No, Dad, what about you? 269 00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:56,368 Well, that actually was from The Breakfast Club. 270 00:12:57,618 --> 00:12:58,912 Nobody puts Baby in the corner. 271 00:13:00,747 --> 00:13:02,374 Dirty Dancing. Hello? 272 00:13:02,374 --> 00:13:04,334 It's Professor Duncan. 273 00:13:04,334 --> 00:13:06,420 Come to the parking lot now. 274 00:13:06,420 --> 00:13:07,879 What's wrong with your voice? 275 00:13:07,879 --> 00:13:11,049 I'm disguising it. 276 00:13:11,049 --> 00:13:13,301 I'll be right back. But while I'm gone, 277 00:13:13,301 --> 00:13:15,803 you guys need to hash this stuff out. 278 00:13:15,803 --> 00:13:19,640 No stone unturned. Go. 279 00:13:24,812 --> 00:13:27,232 Every answer to every test 280 00:13:27,232 --> 00:13:29,025 in your curriculum this semester. 281 00:13:29,025 --> 00:13:31,278 I knew you could do it, buddy. Thank you. 282 00:13:31,278 --> 00:13:33,821 Whoa, there, grabby grabby. 283 00:13:33,821 --> 00:13:35,323 What do I get? 284 00:13:35,323 --> 00:13:37,200 The satisfaction of being even. 285 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:40,120 Even, fairness, right, wrong. There is no God. 286 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:41,788 Booyah, booyah. What do you want from me? 287 00:13:41,788 --> 00:13:43,540 Your Lexus. 288 00:13:43,540 --> 00:13:46,000 My car for a semester's worth of answers? 289 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:48,295 Will it be just a semester, though, Jeff? 290 00:13:48,295 --> 00:13:50,464 Won't you be taking the easy way out 291 00:13:50,464 --> 00:13:51,672 for the next four years? 292 00:13:51,672 --> 00:13:53,550 I want payment in advance. 293 00:13:53,550 --> 00:13:56,386 I want leather seats with built-in ball warmers. 294 00:13:56,386 --> 00:13:58,138 You know, bluffs this weak 295 00:13:58,138 --> 00:14:00,014 are how your people lost the colonies. 296 00:14:00,014 --> 00:14:02,225 Have a nice disbarment hearing. 297 00:14:03,893 --> 00:14:05,312 What am I supposed to drive? 298 00:14:05,312 --> 00:14:06,729 Take this car. It's good for the Earth. 299 00:14:06,729 --> 00:14:08,273 So is wiping your butt with a leaf, 300 00:14:08,273 --> 00:14:10,066 but it's not how a man gets around. 301 00:14:16,531 --> 00:14:18,158 Golf cart. 302 00:14:23,913 --> 00:14:25,664 It is a disaster in there. 303 00:14:25,664 --> 00:14:27,542 Yeah. Untutorable. 304 00:14:27,542 --> 00:14:29,336 You like Thai food? I love Thai food. 305 00:14:29,336 --> 00:14:31,754 Wait. So this is a game to you? 306 00:14:31,754 --> 00:14:35,216 You put human beings into a state of emotional shambles 307 00:14:35,216 --> 00:14:36,926 for a shot at getting in my pants? 308 00:14:36,926 --> 00:14:39,137 Why can't you see that for the compliment that it is? 309 00:14:39,137 --> 00:14:41,097 You're unbelievable. What do you want me to do? 310 00:14:41,097 --> 00:14:43,475 Maybe one decent thing could be to go in there 311 00:14:43,475 --> 00:14:45,684 and clean up your mess. 312 00:14:45,684 --> 00:14:48,104 I'm the Barack Obama of this room. 313 00:14:48,104 --> 00:14:51,816 Okay, if I do that, then dinner, right? 314 00:14:54,486 --> 00:14:57,071 Yeah, fine, whatever. As if there's a dinner on earth 315 00:14:57,071 --> 00:14:59,782 that could make me forget you are a shallow douche bag. 316 00:14:59,782 --> 00:15:02,494 Oh, you're gonna eat those words when you see my new car. 317 00:15:07,624 --> 00:15:09,750 All right, everybody! 318 00:15:09,750 --> 00:15:12,546 I wanna say something. Sit down. 319 00:15:12,546 --> 00:15:14,713 Well, you don't have to yell. 320 00:15:16,508 --> 00:15:19,135 What makes humans different from other animals? 321 00:15:19,135 --> 00:15:20,720 Feet. 322 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:22,597 No, no. Come on, bears have feet. 323 00:15:22,597 --> 00:15:25,266 We're the only species on earth 324 00:15:25,266 --> 00:15:27,477 that observes "Shark Week." 325 00:15:27,477 --> 00:15:30,730 Sharks don't even observe "Shark Week," but we do. 326 00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:33,274 For the same reason I can pick up this pencil, 327 00:15:33,274 --> 00:15:34,651 tell you it's name is Steve 328 00:15:34,651 --> 00:15:36,110 and go like this. Oh. 329 00:15:36,110 --> 00:15:37,696 And part of you dies 330 00:15:37,696 --> 00:15:40,114 just a little bit on the inside. 331 00:15:40,114 --> 00:15:43,159 Because people can connect with anything. 332 00:15:43,159 --> 00:15:44,785 We can sympathize with a pencil, 333 00:15:44,785 --> 00:15:46,246 we can forgive a shark, 334 00:15:46,246 --> 00:15:47,706 and we can give Ben Affleck 335 00:15:47,706 --> 00:15:49,416 an Academy Award for screenwriting. 336 00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:50,750 Big mistake. 337 00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:52,669 People can find the good 338 00:15:52,669 --> 00:15:55,296 in just about anything but themselves. 339 00:15:55,296 --> 00:15:58,633 Look at me. It's clear to all of you that I am awesome. 340 00:15:58,633 --> 00:16:01,428 But I could never admit that. That would make me an ass. 341 00:16:01,428 --> 00:16:04,222 But what I can do is see what makes Annie awesome. 342 00:16:04,222 --> 00:16:05,473 She's driven. 343 00:16:05,473 --> 00:16:07,308 We need driven people, 344 00:16:07,308 --> 00:16:09,060 or the lights go out and the ice cream melts. 345 00:16:09,060 --> 00:16:11,646 And Pierce, we need guys like Pierce. 346 00:16:11,646 --> 00:16:15,233 This guy has wisdom to offer. The Dalai Lama and I… 347 00:16:15,233 --> 00:16:18,027 We should listen to him. We wouldn't regret it. 348 00:16:18,027 --> 00:16:21,489 And Shirley, Shirley has earned our respect. 349 00:16:21,489 --> 00:16:24,825 Not as a wife, not as a mother, but as a woman. 350 00:16:24,825 --> 00:16:26,411 Don't test her on that, 351 00:16:26,411 --> 00:16:27,870 because that thing about the jukebox 352 00:16:27,870 --> 00:16:29,456 was too specific to be improvised. 353 00:16:29,456 --> 00:16:30,873 And Troy. 354 00:16:30,873 --> 00:16:33,543 Who cares if Troy thinks he's all that? 355 00:16:33,543 --> 00:16:35,295 Maybe he is. 356 00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:38,131 And Abed. Abed's a shaman. 357 00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:41,968 You ask him to pass the salt, he gives you a bowl of soup. 358 00:16:41,968 --> 00:16:44,429 Because you know what, soup is better. 359 00:16:44,429 --> 00:16:45,930 Abed is better. 360 00:16:45,930 --> 00:16:48,808 You are all better than you think you are. 361 00:16:48,808 --> 00:16:50,727 You are just designed not to believe it 362 00:16:50,727 --> 00:16:52,019 when you hear it from yourself. 363 00:16:52,019 --> 00:16:53,354 Soup? 364 00:16:53,354 --> 00:16:55,189 Look to the person to your left. 365 00:16:57,066 --> 00:16:59,569 Sorry. Look at the person sitting next to you. 366 00:16:59,569 --> 00:17:01,321 Look at her. Okay. 367 00:17:01,321 --> 00:17:02,614 This…? Yeah. 368 00:17:02,614 --> 00:17:05,492 I want you to extend to that person 369 00:17:05,492 --> 00:17:07,744 the same compassion you extend 370 00:17:07,744 --> 00:17:09,621 to sharks, pencils and Ben Affleck. 371 00:17:09,621 --> 00:17:11,498 I want you to say to that person, 372 00:17:11,498 --> 00:17:13,333 "I forgive you." 373 00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:15,084 I forgive you. 374 00:17:15,084 --> 00:17:16,836 I forgive you. I forgive you. 375 00:17:16,836 --> 00:17:18,463 You little twerp. 376 00:17:18,463 --> 00:17:20,674 Pierce, I'd like you to say, "I forgive you." 377 00:17:20,674 --> 00:17:23,384 He didn't say it? I forgive you. 378 00:17:23,384 --> 00:17:26,304 You've just stopped being a study group. 379 00:17:26,304 --> 00:17:30,099 You have become something unstoppable. 380 00:17:30,099 --> 00:17:33,561 I hereby pronounce you a community. 381 00:17:33,561 --> 00:17:36,022 Oh, that's nice. I like that. 382 00:17:37,691 --> 00:17:39,693 This isn't like Breakfast Club anymore. 383 00:17:39,693 --> 00:17:41,569 It's Stripes or Meatballs. Anything with Bill Murray. 384 00:17:41,569 --> 00:17:45,448 I agree with Abed that tonight has been very special. 385 00:17:45,448 --> 00:17:47,158 And now, if you'll excuse me, 386 00:17:47,158 --> 00:17:49,869 I have a dinner engagement with Britta. 387 00:17:49,869 --> 00:17:52,079 Britta? I lied. 388 00:17:53,247 --> 00:17:54,791 Thanks for calming everyone down. 389 00:17:54,791 --> 00:17:56,710 But since you're not a Spanish tutor, 390 00:17:56,710 --> 00:17:59,671 just a lying creep who purposely upset everyone 391 00:17:59,671 --> 00:18:02,632 in an attempt to get with me, I'd appreciate it if you left 392 00:18:02,632 --> 00:18:04,425 and stopped wasting all of our time. 393 00:18:04,425 --> 00:18:06,302 Everybody ready? Fine. 394 00:18:07,887 --> 00:18:09,930 And I'm happy to report 395 00:18:09,930 --> 00:18:12,933 that one of the benefits of being a lying creep 396 00:18:12,933 --> 00:18:15,812 is having all the answers to tomorrow's test. 397 00:18:15,812 --> 00:18:19,691 And I'm happy to share them with anyone whose time I wasted 398 00:18:19,691 --> 00:18:21,942 more than they wasted mine. 399 00:18:21,942 --> 00:18:23,778 Jeff, if you have all the answers, 400 00:18:23,778 --> 00:18:25,988 why the hell did you start this study group? 401 00:18:25,988 --> 00:18:28,115 I don't have a study group. I made it up. 402 00:18:28,115 --> 00:18:30,535 What about the speech? That's what I do. 403 00:18:30,535 --> 00:18:32,119 I make things up. 404 00:18:32,119 --> 00:18:34,247 And I got paid a lot of money to do it. 405 00:18:34,247 --> 00:18:36,708 Before I came to this school-shaped toilet, 406 00:18:36,708 --> 00:18:38,835 I was a lawyer. 407 00:18:38,835 --> 00:18:41,504 Oh, man, this ruins everything. 408 00:18:41,504 --> 00:18:43,256 I thought you're like Bill Murray. 409 00:18:43,256 --> 00:18:44,965 But you're more like Michael Douglas. 410 00:18:44,965 --> 00:18:47,719 Yeah? Well, you have Asperger's. 411 00:18:48,845 --> 00:18:49,789 What does that mean? 412 00:18:49,804 --> 00:18:52,599 Ha, ha. Ass burger. 413 00:18:52,599 --> 00:18:54,851 It's a serious disorder. It really is. 414 00:18:54,851 --> 00:18:57,478 If it's so serious, why don't they call it meningitis? 415 00:18:57,478 --> 00:18:59,731 Heh, heh. Yeah. Heh, heh. 416 00:18:59,731 --> 00:19:01,900 Ass burger. Burger for your ass. 417 00:19:22,712 --> 00:19:24,338 Before you say anything, 418 00:19:24,338 --> 00:19:26,006 you might wanna think about the gift you've given. 419 00:19:26,006 --> 00:19:29,218 An excuse to punch a hippy? No. No, not that. 420 00:19:29,218 --> 00:19:30,845 An important lesson. 421 00:19:30,845 --> 00:19:34,557 You see, the tools you acquired to survive out there 422 00:19:34,557 --> 00:19:36,643 will not help you here at Greendale. 423 00:19:36,643 --> 00:19:37,977 What you have, my friend, 424 00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:40,062 is a second chance at an honest life. 425 00:19:40,062 --> 00:19:41,397 Give me my keys. 426 00:19:41,397 --> 00:19:43,566 No, I have to keep your car for the lesson. 427 00:19:43,566 --> 00:19:45,192 Please don't hit me. 428 00:19:45,192 --> 00:19:46,444 Jeffrey? Jeffrey? 429 00:19:46,444 --> 00:19:50,949 Are we cool? Are we cool? 430 00:19:53,033 --> 00:19:54,577 I like you, Jeffrey. 431 00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:58,998 You remind me of myself at your age. 432 00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:02,251 I deserve that. 433 00:20:02,251 --> 00:20:06,965 You know I've been divorced seven times? 434 00:20:08,591 --> 00:20:10,844 Sometimes I think I'm doing something wrong. 435 00:20:16,641 --> 00:20:19,435 You keep getting married. 436 00:20:19,435 --> 00:20:20,979 I never looked at it that way. 437 00:20:24,607 --> 00:20:26,651 Shouldn't you guys be studying? 438 00:20:26,651 --> 00:20:29,403 Yeah, things got kind of boring after you left. 439 00:20:29,403 --> 00:20:30,905 Shouldn't you be rolling around 440 00:20:30,905 --> 00:20:32,782 on a bed covered in test answers? 441 00:20:37,912 --> 00:20:42,082 I don't have any of the answers. I'm gonna flunk the test. 442 00:20:42,082 --> 00:20:45,127 If you just, like, study for an hour, it's not that hard. 443 00:20:45,127 --> 00:20:47,421 You seem pretty smart. You got a sports coat. 444 00:20:47,421 --> 00:20:50,341 Well, the funny thing about being smart 445 00:20:50,341 --> 00:20:51,843 is you can get through most of life 446 00:20:51,843 --> 00:20:53,177 without having to do work. 447 00:20:53,177 --> 00:20:57,640 So I'm not really sure how to do that. 448 00:21:02,979 --> 00:21:04,814 Please? So sad? 449 00:21:05,857 --> 00:21:07,650 He makes me wanna: 450 00:21:09,903 --> 00:21:11,278 What's going on? 451 00:21:11,278 --> 00:21:12,989 Can you guys hear me? Am I deaf? 452 00:21:12,989 --> 00:21:15,074 Can you hear me talking right now? Yes. 453 00:21:15,074 --> 00:21:17,159 That's good. 454 00:21:18,619 --> 00:21:20,621 You know what? Jeff, actually, 455 00:21:20,621 --> 00:21:22,456 we didn't get that far without you. 456 00:21:22,456 --> 00:21:25,585 So if you wanna come back upstairs… 457 00:21:28,295 --> 00:21:29,672 Really? 458 00:21:29,672 --> 00:21:32,008 Well, it is your study group, so… 459 00:21:32,008 --> 00:21:34,176 Come on, let's study. Sounds good. 460 00:21:34,176 --> 00:21:36,220 Come on. Pressure. 461 00:21:45,646 --> 00:21:47,648 I'm sorry I called you Michael Douglas. 462 00:21:47,648 --> 00:21:48,942 And I see your value now. 463 00:21:51,069 --> 00:21:54,530 That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.