Gentlemen, may I present to you the suicide squad.
Hang on there, genius. You want us, your enemies,
to help you bring down commissioner Kelly?
You guys consider me your enemy?
You're some of my best friends.
We haven't talked to you in, like, three years, c.J.
Wait, yeah. I'm thinking of different guys.
Oh, Raymond, that you came to me to ask for help
shows how much you've matured.
You know what else shows how much you've matured?
Your withered face.
Now I know why you refer to this as a suicide squad, peralta,
because I already want to kill myself.
Why don't you wait a week? You'll probably die of old age.
The only way I'm going to die
is if you touch me with one of your bony fingers
and drag me across the river styx, you reaper.
Ah, wonderful. Very creative.
Look, John Kelly has to be stopped.
He's spying on civilians. It's unconstitutional and it's wrong.
Please. Do you think any one of these jackals
cares about what's right or wrong?
|'|| help. See, sir? There is good in every person.
But I want it to be known it's for selfish reasons.
Why would you want that to be known?
'Cause I've never met c.J. Before and I want him to think that I'm cool.
It's working. I mean, I love how you're taking over the room.
Like that? Yeah, it's awesome.
You know, I actually wouldn't mind getting rid of John Kelly either.
That guy makes up so many dumb rules.
He told me I couldn't eat raw chicken.
And you think a new commissioner will...
Yeah, he's already on board, so, yes, a new commissioner
would let you eat raw chicken for whatever reason.
It's healthier. It sure is, ceej.
And what do you hope to get out of this, Madeline?
Let me guess, revenge on Dorothy for killing your sister?
I want the same as you, Raymond.
I think what John Kelly is doing is terrible.
Yes, well said, wuntch.
So, we're all on board. This is exciting!
Let's bring it in, huh? "Suicide squad" on three.
Ready? One, two...
Idonttouch other dudes' hands.
Whose hand is sticky? It might be me.
I ate a Popsicle earlier. It's probably Madeline.
Cockroaches release a mucus-like secretion.
You would know about roaches, you roach.
And three! Suicide squad!
Sorry. Sorry I'm late.
Why is Santiago here?
We agreed to keep this secret.
Well, it's hard to keep secrets
when you're married to an ace detective.
He told me as soon as he got home.
I did. I'm so excited about the suicide squad.
Ah, I love seeing these glimpses of domestic peraltiago.
Now kiss.
You don't do it enough. We do it all the time,
just not in front of you. It's been a year!
We don't have time for this.
Now, Kelly's stingrays
can steal cell phone data from anyone, including us,
so, I procured special equipment
for us to communicate with.
Extremely old beepers?
Yeah, they're analog, so the sting rays can't detect them.
I had one of these in high school, and it was so cool.
And you're just sitting in math class,
and you feel that buzz,
and it's your dad saying he loves you.
The rest of the day, you're just walking on air.
Did you guys just kiss? Mdlmmsfl? Hmm?
Yes. It was very unprofessional.
Oh, come on! I don't like this.
I wouldn't wish working with Madeline wuntch
on my worst enemy,
and my worst enemy is Madeline wuntch,
whom I hate.
Look, if you wanna stop Kelly,
she's the key to my entire plan.
So, ehheryou getoverh,
or we walk away from this thing right now.
Ugh. Fine. I will learn to trust Madeline wuntch.
I will never trust Madeline wuntch.
She's a venomous snake
waiting to strike, and you know what we do to snakes.
Chop their heads off.
Remove the skin. Turn them into boots.
Don't be absurd. Who would want troll skin boots?
You just said she was a snake.
The devil comes in many forms.
No, what I meant was I want you to follow her
and make sure she doesn't betray us.
And, uh, don't tell peralta.
Count me in. I got nothing else going on.
Aren't you supposed to be getting ready to transfer to staten island?
That's not real. It was pretty real last week.
That's before I decided to pretend it wasn't.
I'm in denial.
Most people who are in denial
don't usually say they're in denial.
That's because they're in denial
about being in denial.
But I'm not in denial.
I'm in denial.
Is jeffords' brain okay for this mission? Yes, sir.
For this and all future nine-nine missions,
which I'll definitely be a part of.
Let's go.
So, this apartmentwill be
our base for the duration of the mission.
Thank you to the vulture for procuring it.
Hey, don't thank me. Thank my boy, Billy.
He said the place was mine while he's still in prison.
What? It's not what it sounds like.
His only crime was planning a kickass music festival.
Are you friends with the fyre festival guy?
Best friends. He got a bum rap.
You can learn about it when my documentary comes out.
It points all the blame where it clearly belongs.
With the island people.
Wow. So many levels of terrible there.
All right, we need to catch Kelly
in the act of illegally spying,
so, here's the plan.
We commit a fake crime so serious
that he's forced to deploy the stingray.
What kind of crime? We're gonna kidnap a cop.
But not just any cop,
it needs to be someone so high-ranking
that it sends shock waves through the system,
but not important enough
that their absence negatively impacts the NYPD in any way.
Who you guys thinkin'?
We're clearly all looking at you.
Oh, god. Am I in charge of the meeting? Dismissed.
Dismissed. No. You're getting kidnapped, c.J.
Amy, Charles, and I will be the kidnappers. Oh.
Captain holt is the driver.
Here's how it'll go down.
Approaching the target. All right, let's do this. Masks on.
Actually, scratch that.
We're not gonna use ski masks. We'll use cool rubber masks.
Ooh. We should be the ladies of the first wives club. I call Keaton.
We're not gonna do first wives club masks.
Just because you can't be Keaton? Grow up, Jake!
No, because they don't exist.
And also, yeah, Keaton is clearly the coolest one
and I don't think it's really fair that you just "called" her.
Forget it. We'll wear scary gorilla masks.
Approaching the target.
Okay, let's do this. Masks on.
When c.J. Goes to get his morning coffee,
we will arrive and grab him.
He will pretend to struggle just enough to attract attention.
Help! Help!
I'm gonna write this down so I remember my lines.
I can see that you already have the word "milk"
written on your hand. I know where this is going.
Milk! Milk!
Don't do that. Too risky.
What if you leave DNA evidence at the scene?
Well, iuckin, it's a missing person's case,
so, the lead detective will be the vulture.
He will arrive and...
No, no, no, no, no. Hold on, peralta.
You forgot to say that I ride in on my motorcycle.
Okay, the vulture who rode in on his motorcycle...
Kobe.
Will take charge and eliminate any evidence we left behind.
There's nothing here.
Make sure the other people working with you
are your worst detectives.
I gotjust the guys for you. I mean, they're real duds.
I wouldn't even trust those two to get coffee for me.
Gerard, tell him where we're at.
Brooklyn. You know, you guys take off, all right?
I got this. All right.
Hey, you. Come here.
You wanna tell me what you saw?
I'll tell you what I'd like to see.
Stop. Yourmg_.
I'm the one describing the plan.
What, so there's not gonna be any sex at all?
No. The point is, without any good leads,
Kelly will give the order to use the stingray.
An order that we will record
thanks to our very own Madeline wuntch.
Not possible. Kelly won't tell me anything.
He won't even meet with me.
Perhaps you can sneak in
disguised as an old leather chair.
Will you calm down? She works at one police Plaza.
All you have to do is "run into him."
Commissioner Kelly. Madeline. I didn't see you there.
I thought you were an old leather chair.
He's not gonna say that. He might.
You're worse than the vulture. Anyways...
Give him a handshake, a pat on the back...
I heard your app caught a serial killer.
Hotclues strikes again. Yes, indeedy.
And plant the bug.
And that's the plan.
That is exactly how tomorrow's gonna go. Got it.
So you do or you don't want me to yell "milk"?
Approaching the target.
Okay, let's do this. Masks on.
I thought we were getting rubber masks.
Yeah, I couldn't find any. It's not Halloween.
These look like they're from fifty shades of grey.
Yeah, I got them from a sex shop, Amy,
and we're lucky to have them. There were only three left.
At least you're not wearing a gimp mask.
Look, there weren't a lot of options.
It was a very awkward retail interaction.
Can we please just kidnap c.J. Now?
Leave me alone! What the?
You'll never get me alive! Help!
Help! Somebody call the police!
Here, take her. Take her instead of me.
No, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me.
Oh, wsyou yeahjtsus.
Now, get in the Van.
Oh, okay.
Help!
Hey, could we stop and get a slushee?
It's just that you guys kinda made me drop it back there.
What the hell was that, c.J.? C.J.: I'm sorry!
I didn't know it was you.
You were supposed to be in gorilla masks.
Okay, so, let me get this straight.
You thought that we were real kidnappers
who showed up at the exact time
that we planned a fake kidnapping?
Exactly. You get it. He gets it.
Nobody is following us.
I'm headed back to the apartment.
Okay, look, that didn't go great, but we got away,
and on the plus side, no more of the plan hinges on c.J.
Oh, thank god.
He pulled off your mask, Jake. What if someone saw you?
That's why we have the vulture.
Kobe. Ow!
Captain pembroke, what do you have there? Did you find a hair?
Nice work.
Let's bag it. Let's get it to the lab.
They have my hair?
I thought you put your two worst guys on this.
These are my worst guys, all right?
They're real dorks. They both wear glasses.
One of them's even a woman.
You said you didn't trust them to get coffee.
Look, if you can't tell what "coffee" is code for by now,
then you and I shouldn't be talking about this, Jake.
Oh, my god. He put his best detectives on the case.
Hey, my two best detectives are sticky and boner,
and they definitely know how to order coffee.
Extra cream. Wink, wink.
Guys, stop fighting. We did it.
Let's just chill and play some Madden.
No one's playing Madden with you, c.J.
Ugh. You know what, peralta? This is all your fault.
A witness saw your face
and now there's a police sketch of you being sent around.
Oh, please. That doesn't even look like me.
The only thing that got right is my little curl,
and I can just get rid of that.
Jake, you can't. You're right. It's worth the risk
to keep it. This is bad.
Our plan is collapsing. No, it's not.
John Kelly's gonna authorize the stingray within the hour
and everything'll be fine, assuming wuntch gets the bug in place.
She's still standing there.
Since we got time, you wanna talk about your good-bye party?
Will you eat a cake, or does it have to be boneless chicken breast?
Sure. Seventy-year-old Terry can eat whatever he wants.
You are talking about my retirement party, right?
Twenty years from now.
Dude, you know I'm not talking about that.
What do you think is gonna happen at the end of the week?
I don't know, but I do know what's gonna happen right now.
Topic change.
You ever wonder where wind starts?
I have. Wind is crazy.
You need to face facts. About wind?
I'm trying, but you won't engage.
Why you in denial aboutwind, Rosa?
Commissioner Kelly.
Something's going on with wuntch.
I heard your app caught a serial killer.
Hotclues strikes again. Yes, indeedy.
What the hell, Raymond? You were following me?
I don't know what you're talking about.
I've been here the whole time. My mistake.
These two goons were carrying a dirty old mop
that looked exactly like you.
What did you do? She's up to something. I'm sure of it.
Hey, it's kimble and Gerard.
Those nerds found DNA all over the scene. Take care of it.
Yefi now?
You know, I know I just got here,
but it feels like everything's falling apart.
No, everything's going great, Rosa.
Hey, cool. I'm not the only one that's in denial. It's catching on.
I'm not in denial. We've had a few hiccups,
but all that matters is that wuntch planted the bug on Kelly.
No. I didn't. What's that now?
You don't trust me, I don't trust you.
The mission is off. Here's your bug back.
It's not an actual bug, so don't eat it, you lizard.
Ha! You didn't specify the subspecies of lizard.
I won that round! Oh, my god. Will you give it a rest?
Oh, man. I can't believe this wild ride's over.
We've changed so much. You know, when we started out,
we were just Charles the jock,
Amy the rebel, captain silly pants, talky-talky Rosa,
Terry the stoner, and c.J. The ringleader.
I'm not sure you're nailing these.
Okay, I smoothed things over with Madeline,
and she's agreed to rejoin the suicide squad.
Oh, goody gumdrops. But do we even need her?
What does she bring to the table?
Thirty years of police experience. I have 33.
I earned a police combat cross. I have a medal of honor.
I own the record for most arrests as a uniformed officer in NYPD history.
You got me there. Of course, I never spent much time in uniform
because I was promoted to detective after one month.
They're not allowed to do that. It's against the rules.
It's also against the rules to let a pile of worms wear a uniform,
and yet here you stand.
Okay, just stop. Look, su, I've explained this.
Wuntch is the only one that can get close to Kelly.
Okay. We need her.
The worm pile stays.
Great. That was our last obstacle,
except for one other thing, I promised her that you would apologize
for everything you've ever done to her.
Including the Michelle Obama incident?
Yes, she mentioned that specifically. I'm very curious what happened there.
Oh, it's nothing. But fine.
I'm sorry, Madeline, for everything.
Hmm. Especially for...
Pushing you into Michelle Obama from behind and then running away.
Sir! What?
It was very funny. Apology accepted.
There's a policeman's ball tonight.
I can plant the bug on Kelly there.
And since you don't trust me, you can be my plus one.
Oh, please. Everyone knows we're enemies.
It would raise suspicions. Don't worry.
I know just what to tell people.
Madeline and I are now...
Lovers.
So, we can assume Kelly authorized
stingray surveillance, and we missed it,
but if we ratchet up the pressure on him, we might get another chance.
How do we ratchet up pressure more than we already have?
By making him believe that the "kidnappers" are serious,
and that c.J. Is in real danger.
Ooh. What if we send Kelly a severed finger in a box?
No way! I need all my fingers.
How else am I gonna do the hang ten sign?
Nobody's cutting off your fingers.
I meant we would get one from the morgue.
From the morgue? Man, we are always getting into the craziest situations.
If I were leaving this squad, I'd miss these moments,
but I'm not, so I won't. Okay, seriously.
What's going on with him? It's a whole thing.
Is it gonna screw up the plan? It's more quietly self-destructive.
Sounds good. Terry, do you. I have an idea.
So when my dad lost his flower shop, my aunt Bruce...
Charles, we don't have time for a weird boyle story right now.
Just tell us your idea. We make a scary hostage video
where it looks like we're gonna kill c.J.
Ooh, I love that.
Wait a minute. Your dad did that to save his flower shop?
Was your aunt the hostage? What happened there?
You said we didn't have time.
I didn't know it was the coolest story ever.
Oh, it is. Well then, tell the whole thing
okay. And spare no detail.
So, you know how aunt Bruce can lactate on command?
Guys. Of course.
Yeah, sorry. All right. So we'll make a hostage video,
but I don't think we should do it here. It's too nice.
Do we know anyone with, like, a real creepy basement?
Yeah, it's just got one exposed light bulb
and a couple of spent mattresses.
"Spent"? Oh, yeah. That sounds perfect.
Oh, wait. Before we decide, Scully, what's your basement like?
Bunch of old victorian wallpaper that came with the house.
I tried to peel it off, but the wall underneath
was covered with fingernail scratches.
Ooh!
Hitchcock, can you top it?
Mine has mother's hosphalbed.
Okay, Scully? Yeah.
I got this one red door I've never been able to open
and I hear screams behind it sometimes.
But it's probably just the wind.
Okay, that's actually too scary. Hitchcock's it is.
How do we get close enough without attracting attention?
Could dance. You must know some moves.
You were mentioned by name in the monster mash.
Fine, but on two conditions.
We stay at least four inches apart at all times,
and you tuck your tail back into your pants
deal soldonttnponit
my name is captain Jason stentley.
It's Friday night, I think.
There's no windows in here.
This morning, I was kidnapped for real...
Stop. What? What was wrong with that?
You said you were "kidnapped for real."
Well, I don't want people to think I was fake kidnapped.
You know? I'm sellin' it. Okay, let's just do it again.
Say you were kidnapped and nothing else.
Now he's gonna add "nothing else."
She's right. Okay, fine, one more time.
Take 12. Just say kidnapped.
Okay.
Kidnapped.
You move well. Must be all the extra legs, you crab.
Don't you find this exhausting?
Thinking up fresh insults?
Not at all, you coffin cave mold beetle.
I meant our relationship.
Aren't you tired of the rivalry?
We fight and we fight, and nothing changes.
But we're really not so different.
I suppose we were close once.
Remember Brighton beach?
Twelve hundred kilos of heroin in an abandoned subway tunnel.
How could I forget? The largest drug bust in NYPD history
pulled off by a most unlikely duo.
A woman, and a gay, black detective.
No, I meant a human and a rotted Jack-o'-lantern.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
You weren't all the way rotted back then.
There's John Kelly.
Twirl me into him, and I'll place the bug.
Heho, John. Rqhtonthne, madehne
did Raymond buy it? Did he think you were bonding?
He was smiling at me like an idiot.
You've betrayed us, you coffin cave mold beetle!
Okay, one more take.
Please stop saying, "don't forget to like and subscribe."
Sure, but how we gonna get followers on this thing then?
NYPD! NYPD! What's going on?
What's going on is you're under arrest
for the kidnapping of Jason stentley.
Kobe.
But Kobe never passed.
I can't go to prison. I couldn't even get through the scary parts
of the musical, Chicago.
Does anyone have a good lawyer?
I got a divorce guy, an alimony guy,
a slip and fall guy, a pizza's too hot guy...
Everybody just relax. We're not gonna go to prison.
It's all gonna work out in the end. Should we play celebrity?
Come on, man. Yeah, come on, Terry.
No one wants to play celebrity,
the best game ever made, but he does have a point.
Nothing bad is gonna happen to us. Wrong!
You turds are about to get flushed.
Come on, peralta. You're up first. Let's go.
Oh, cool. So, I'm the first turd to be flushed. Bye, you guys.
What are you doing?
You were gonna get promoted
out of missing persons. Your plan went to hell, tough guy.
Wuntch, she came to me with a much better one.
Guess what she's giving me for betraying you?
My dream job, captain of the...
69th precinct. Bingo.
Look, you're not gonna get away with this.
You were a part of the whole thing.
First of all, Jake, there's no records
that you and I teamed up together
because you insisted that we only communicate through a beeper.
Stupid beepers. We're right to be addicted to our phones.
Eyewitness saw you. The DNA's all over the scene.
And I caught you red-handed making a hostage video.
Your Is cooked.
That's not a saying. Its'goose' who cares about a goose?
I'm talking about cooking a penis. All right, this is pointless.
C.j. Will just tell everyone the truth. No, he won't.
I bought him off. All I gotta do is play Madden with him.
Come on, c.J.! Hey, you know what?
I just beefed hard,
so I'm gonna let you stew in here for a little while.
I am loving it.
Such a loser.
And this is rock-bottom.
Oh, Raymond. This is sad.
He's the one you think of like a son, right?
Or are you closer to Santiago? Not that it matters.
They're both equally going to prison.
Oh, come on, Madeline. There's no need to gloat.
Though, it does feel good.
Gloaty, gloat, gloat.
I knew I never should have trusted you.
Yes, obviously not, you dum-dum.
John, you're gonna wanna remember this.
Why don't you snap a photo of him? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Why don't you get in there with him?
Oh, why the heck not?
My kids just got me a digital picture frame.
All right, everybody say, nine-nine. Nine-nine.
Mmm, Raymond, I love the scowl,
but could you slump your shoulders a bit more?
Remember, you're a man who just lost everything.
And done.
We got it, peralta.
Boom! Are they totally shocked?
Is Kelly like, "what just happened?"
What just happened? You've been had, John.
You see, when you handed me your unlocked phone
just now to snap that photo,
I cloned it to a secure network server.
When you handed wuntch your locked phone...
Yeah, yeah. I already said that part.
Sorry. I can't see or hear anything. I'll just be quiet from now on.
I might chime in with a yeah here and there
to stay in the mix. Great.
The only way to get you to trust me
isifyouthought iwasbeuawnghoh. Yeah!
And now I have access to all your personal correspondence...
All right! Including all stingray authorizations.
Okay. It's over, Kelly. You're done.
You may have won this round, Madeline,
but you're gonna live to regret it.
You are both so gonna live to regret it.
I agree with what was just said. Hey, Jake?
I'm just gonna hold this down. Yeah, sounds good. Thank you.
When did you hatch this plan?
Peralta thought of it when I tried to quit the mission.
Hey, what's holt's expression right now?
Would you describe it as, proud daddy? It's hard to tell.
He's still piecing it together. This could take a while.
Why didn't you just tell me what was actually happening?
I wanted to, sir, but it involved trusting Madeline wuntch,
and I just didn't think you could handle it.
But I'm sorry that I lied to you.
Sir? Sir?
Oh, no. Is he mad?
I can't see anything. Did he storm out?
No, I stormed in to tell you it was a great plan.
Nice work, peralta. And there it is.
The proud daddy.
Well, well, well. Commissioner.
Still not used to hearing that.
Of course, I'm only acting commissioner
until they choose someone permanent.
Might well be you. After all, you brought down John Kelly.
Wonder what he's doing now.
He's got a much higher-paying job in the private sector.
Yes, the world is horrible.
Mmm. But then again, sometimes, it surprises you.
This whole time, I thought you were up to something,
but really, you just wanted what was right for the NYPD.
I did.
But also, I was up to something.
Could I have everyone's attention?
I know it's my last day,
and I've been in denial about it all week.
And I still am.
So, I'm giving this toast for no reason. Here's to nothing!
You okay there, ter? It's just that, if I wasn't in denial,
I would be so depressed right now at the thought of leaving all of you.
Yeah, we'd be depressed, too,
if anything was happening, which it isn't.
Right, and I'm not gonna say
that no matter what precinct number is on your uniform,
you will always be part of the nine-nine.
It means so much to me that you aren't saying that right now.
And iwanna say I'm not gonna miss you at all,
you piece of crap. Good riddance.
Pretty sure you're misreading the game here, Charles.
Yeah. I see that now.
To nothing. To nothing!
Thanks, guys, but this sucks.
Terry, come on. We're still gonna see you all the time.
I promise. You'll come visit me in staten island?
Yeah! Or, you know,
you can come to Brooklyn. There's seven of us, one of you,
but we can iron out the details later.
Nobody's going to staten island.
Okay, damn, I get it. I'll come to you.
No, you're staying here at the nine-nine.
I just talked to Madeline wuntch.
She's making a personnel change,
which frees up some room in the budget.
Really? What kind of personnel change?
I told her that I'd only spent a month as a patrolman before I made detective.
She said that's against regulations
and has decided to rectify the situation.
Rectify it how?
That's life that's life
that's what all the people say
you're riding high in April
shot down in may
but I know I'm gonna change
that tune
when I...