1 00:00:05,760 --> 00:00:07,600 I'm here! I'm here, I'm here. 2 00:00:08,140 --> 00:00:09,770 You can start the meeting now. 3 00:00:09,850 --> 00:00:11,830 The meeting is over. You're late. You missed roll call 4 00:00:11,850 --> 00:00:14,270 and the tutorial on using the new copiers. 5 00:00:14,350 --> 00:00:16,310 Six years, and no matter how hard I try, 6 00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:18,340 I still can't get you to understand the importance of being punctual. 7 00:00:18,360 --> 00:00:19,960 Maybe you should just give up and accept me for who I am? 8 00:00:19,980 --> 00:00:22,230 No, I will break you. Right now. 9 00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:23,860 While you were out being tardy, 10 00:00:23,950 --> 00:00:26,240 I was hard at work devising a special punishment. 11 00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:28,990 I've crafted an intricate, personal high-five 12 00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:31,230 with everyone in this office except you. What? 13 00:00:31,250 --> 00:00:34,500 But you hate high fives. Yes, every minute of it was hell. 14 00:00:34,580 --> 00:00:36,750 But it'll be worse for you. Squad, dismissed. 15 00:00:37,460 --> 00:00:38,500 Good-bye, Diaz. 16 00:00:40,210 --> 00:00:41,590 Salute into a Fanny waggle? 17 00:00:41,670 --> 00:00:42,710 Good-bye, boyle. 18 00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:43,880 The snake charmer! 19 00:00:43,970 --> 00:00:45,010 Good-bye, jeffords. 20 00:00:46,840 --> 00:00:48,600 That's a butt bump. Good-bye, Santiago. 21 00:00:49,300 --> 00:00:52,760 Double fist bump reverse explosion into a Pete townshend strum. 22 00:00:54,060 --> 00:00:56,560 That was terrible, but it's over now, and I made it through. 23 00:00:56,650 --> 00:00:57,810 Good-bye, Leonard from xerox. 24 00:00:57,850 --> 00:00:59,690 What? No, no, no. 25 00:01:00,230 --> 00:01:01,360 The copy guy? 26 00:01:21,500 --> 00:01:24,380 So nice of you to stop by, Kevin. Enjoy your day. I hope it's productive. 27 00:01:24,420 --> 00:01:26,700 Thank you, Raymond. I hope your day is productive as well. 28 00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:30,260 PDA in the office? My, my. Couldn't help myself. 29 00:01:30,350 --> 00:01:34,100 Mmm. Oh, may I please use the precinct facilities before I head to work? 30 00:01:34,180 --> 00:01:35,370 Yes. Thank you for asking for permission. 31 00:01:35,390 --> 00:01:36,850 Thank you for granting it. 32 00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:43,320 Whoomp. There it is. 33 00:01:43,650 --> 00:01:45,630 Got to say, I could have used a little more oomph on the whoomp. 34 00:01:45,650 --> 00:01:46,880 That's the oomphiest whoomp youllget 35 00:01:46,900 --> 00:01:48,250 so, what's going on? Why'd you want to meet in private? 36 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:49,340 I need your help with a case. 37 00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:51,920 Three antique coins were stolen from my classics department at Columbia. 38 00:01:51,950 --> 00:01:53,800 So, why not ask captain holt for help on the case? 39 00:01:53,830 --> 00:01:56,500 Wait, are you guys getting a divorce? I can handle it. 40 00:01:56,580 --> 00:01:58,810 This doesn't bring up any weird issues for me. 41 00:01:58,830 --> 00:02:00,930 No, it's nothing like that. Raymond's a brilliant detective. 42 00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:02,380 It's just when a case involves me, 43 00:02:02,460 --> 00:02:04,300 he can get a little overemotional. 44 00:02:04,380 --> 00:02:07,010 You remember the safe house. Oh, yeah, he went crazy. 45 00:02:07,090 --> 00:02:08,940 But I also remember you and me becoming best friends 46 00:02:08,970 --> 00:02:10,570 and watching every nic cage movie ever made. 47 00:02:10,590 --> 00:02:12,940 Can you still quote them all? No, I purged myself of that nonsense. 48 00:02:12,970 --> 00:02:14,240 I bet it's still in there. It's not. 49 00:02:14,260 --> 00:02:16,070 We'll see. There's a chance it's in there. We won't. Chance of zero. 50 00:02:16,100 --> 00:02:17,730 I'd put money that maybe it's there. 51 00:02:17,810 --> 00:02:18,870 You're losing your money. Okay. 52 00:02:18,890 --> 00:02:20,600 So will you help me? I don't know. 53 00:02:20,690 --> 00:02:22,250 I want to, but keeping a secret from holt? 54 00:02:22,270 --> 00:02:23,330 That's a lot of pressure. Hmm. 55 00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:26,910 Am I remembering correctly? Don't you eat pressure for breakfast? 56 00:02:26,990 --> 00:02:29,740 Nic cage in the rock. 57 00:02:29,820 --> 00:02:32,110 We are best friends. I am so in. 58 00:02:32,950 --> 00:02:34,510 Oh, no, that's Raymond. That's how he opens a door. 59 00:02:34,530 --> 00:02:35,630 Kevin, are you still in here? 60 00:02:35,660 --> 00:02:37,540 Uh, yes, Raymond, I'm in the stall. 61 00:02:37,620 --> 00:02:41,250 Uh, some tickets were just released for mahler's fourth symphony this weekend. 62 00:02:41,330 --> 00:02:42,640 Great. That sounds great. Let's do it. 63 00:02:42,670 --> 00:02:44,840 Fantastic. Now, which section do you prefer? 64 00:02:44,920 --> 00:02:49,010 The first tier, the second tier, the third tier... 65 00:02:49,090 --> 00:02:50,090 The first tier. 66 00:02:50,180 --> 00:02:52,270 Now, which section of the first tier? 67 00:02:52,340 --> 00:02:55,390 Right, left, right-center, 68 00:02:55,470 --> 00:02:57,600 center_. Justanysecfionisfine. 69 00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:00,660 Any section. Well, someone had pepper on their eggs this morning. 70 00:03:00,690 --> 00:03:02,610 I'll buy the tickets. 71 00:03:02,690 --> 00:03:04,440 Any section. 72 00:03:05,570 --> 00:03:06,740 Guys, horrible news. 73 00:03:06,820 --> 00:03:08,740 The fridge broke this morning. Everything's warm. 74 00:03:08,820 --> 00:03:09,960 Doesn't seem like that big a deal. 75 00:03:09,990 --> 00:03:11,780 Your yogurt's spoiled. Who did this? 76 00:03:11,860 --> 00:03:15,570 Okay, everyone, calm down. I will put a request in for a new fridge. 77 00:03:15,660 --> 00:03:16,800 Good luck getting that approved. 78 00:03:16,830 --> 00:03:19,230 Commissioner Kelly's already slashed our budget within an inch of its life. 79 00:03:19,250 --> 00:03:21,040 Yeah, the toilet paper's only one ply now. 80 00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:22,910 My butt hurts all the time. The ac is broken. 81 00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,060 My butt hurts all the time. 82 00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:25,350 Scully's butt hurts all the time. 83 00:03:25,380 --> 00:03:26,440 All right, guys, we get it. 84 00:03:26,460 --> 00:03:28,150 It's just that lunch is the one part of the day 85 00:03:28,170 --> 00:03:29,760 commissioner Kelly hadn't ruined. 86 00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:32,050 People are pissed. Morale's really taken a hit. 87 00:03:32,130 --> 00:03:33,920 Okay, I got this. 88 00:03:34,010 --> 00:03:37,430 Hey, squad. Lunchis on me today. Taking everyone out for pizza. 89 00:03:39,020 --> 00:03:40,650 And that's how you improve morale. 90 00:03:40,730 --> 00:03:43,860 Okay. You're not the only sergeant around here. Let me help. 91 00:03:44,350 --> 00:03:46,690 This side of the room, lunch is on me, 92 00:03:46,770 --> 00:03:49,190 and we're getting something better than pizza. 93 00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:50,280 Sushi! 94 00:03:51,990 --> 00:03:53,320 Are you trying to outdo me? 95 00:03:53,410 --> 00:03:57,330 No, no, no. Just trying to raise morale. 96 00:03:57,910 --> 00:04:02,250 Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Morale, morale, morale. Okay. 97 00:04:02,330 --> 00:04:04,540 Wow! So, this is your classroom. 98 00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:05,790 What's today's lecture about? 99 00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:08,640 I know you don't care about that. Just ask me what you want to ask me. 100 00:04:08,710 --> 00:04:09,940 Can I play with your laser pointer? 101 00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:12,550 You know, the laser pointer is a bit of a misnomer. 102 00:04:12,630 --> 00:04:15,180 It is simply a laser. The pointer is you. 103 00:04:16,090 --> 00:04:17,440 That was awesome. Take it for a spin. 104 00:04:17,470 --> 00:04:18,470 Don't mind if I do. 105 00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:22,650 Good afternoon, class. Allow me to make my first... point. 106 00:04:22,730 --> 00:04:24,940 Very impressive. Thank you very much, Kevin. 107 00:04:25,020 --> 00:04:27,110 But I do have five additional points to make. 108 00:04:27,190 --> 00:04:30,150 Chair, chair, wall, chair, 109 00:04:30,230 --> 00:04:32,320 captain holt. Captain holt? No. 110 00:04:32,690 --> 00:04:35,780 Yes, that was a delicious lunch, Gary. 111 00:04:35,860 --> 00:04:39,240 And I agree, our group does seem happier than it was before. 112 00:04:39,330 --> 00:04:40,750 Oh. The pizza was that good? 113 00:04:40,830 --> 00:04:43,540 Pizza? Right, that's what I said we were getting 114 00:04:43,620 --> 00:04:46,040 before we decided to, uh, snazz it up. 115 00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:47,660 Oh. You guys snazzed? 116 00:04:47,750 --> 00:04:50,800 Yeah, we snazzed all the way to la petite creperie. 117 00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:52,220 I thought we couldn't say'snazz' 118 00:04:52,300 --> 00:04:54,720 oh, no, I was thinking of. 119 00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:56,030 We can't say. Carry on. 120 00:04:56,050 --> 00:04:57,680 Tell 'em how good it was, Rosa. 121 00:04:57,760 --> 00:04:59,930 Tell 'em how high our morale is. 122 00:05:00,010 --> 00:05:01,510 High. Oh, stop gushing, girl. 123 00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:03,060 I think it's so interesting 124 00:05:03,140 --> 00:05:05,770 you guys didn't stick to your original plan, 125 00:05:05,850 --> 00:05:07,310 because neither did we. 126 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:08,400 What? Why? 127 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:11,190 You don't think we knew you were gonna snazz? 128 00:05:11,270 --> 00:05:13,560 We saw your snazz coming a mile away. 129 00:05:13,650 --> 00:05:17,900 That's why I took my team out for some big, juicy steaks, and... 130 00:05:17,990 --> 00:05:19,410 Mashed potatoes 131 00:05:19,490 --> 00:05:20,570 and some spinach 132 00:05:20,660 --> 00:05:22,790 and some key lime pie 133 00:05:22,870 --> 00:05:23,910 thank you, Heather. 134 00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:25,440 Well, that doesn't sound better than crepes. 135 00:05:25,460 --> 00:05:28,550 It is. Terry wins. We know. We were at both lunches. 136 00:05:28,630 --> 00:05:30,880 How? They were simultaneous and two miles apart. 137 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,590 It was free food. Life finds a way. 138 00:05:32,670 --> 00:05:35,300 Okay, but you can't win because it wasn't a competition. 139 00:05:35,380 --> 00:05:37,510 So, let's make it a competition. Same groups tomorrow? 140 00:05:37,590 --> 00:05:39,590 Okay. But let's agree at the end of this 141 00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:41,030 that we'll still be friends. No deal. 142 00:05:41,050 --> 00:05:42,890 Good! 'Cause I didn't mean it, anyway. 143 00:05:42,970 --> 00:05:45,600 Hello, sir. How'd you find us out? Mahler's fourth symphony. 144 00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:47,520 He'd never sit in just any section. 145 00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:49,020 I might. I'm flexible. 146 00:05:49,100 --> 00:05:53,100 Oh, really? You'd sit center-left? In timpani alley? 147 00:05:53,190 --> 00:05:55,610 I'll purchase those tickets right away. 148 00:06:00,820 --> 00:06:02,240 No, don't. Fine. 149 00:06:02,330 --> 00:06:04,350 Jake is helping me with a burglary here at the university, 150 00:06:04,370 --> 00:06:06,540 and I asked him not to tell you. 151 00:06:06,620 --> 00:06:08,710 Is this about St. augustine? Yes. 152 00:06:08,790 --> 00:06:10,020 What's going on? He's embarrassed of me. 153 00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:12,960 Last Christmas, the classics department threw a holiday party. 154 00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:16,920 I had one drink too many and utterly humiliated myself. 155 00:06:17,010 --> 00:06:18,700 And that was the point St. augustine was making 156 00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:20,100 in consolation of philosophy. 157 00:06:20,180 --> 00:06:23,100 Yeah, sounds super humiliating, saying something smart. 158 00:06:23,180 --> 00:06:25,680 Smart? I confused St. augustine with boethius. 159 00:06:25,770 --> 00:06:28,330 I might as well have stepped on a rake and bonked myself on the forehead. 160 00:06:28,350 --> 00:06:29,940 The problem wasn't what you said. 161 00:06:30,020 --> 00:06:31,750 It was that Dean allister pointed out your mistake, 162 00:06:31,770 --> 00:06:32,910 and you lost your damned mind. 163 00:06:32,940 --> 00:06:35,690 I misremembered it because I'm reading both simultaneously. 164 00:06:35,820 --> 00:06:37,630 One book is too few for me. 165 00:06:37,650 --> 00:06:39,240 Where is everyone going? 166 00:06:39,990 --> 00:06:41,490 It was quite the kerfuffle. 167 00:06:41,570 --> 00:06:44,070 The problem is, is that I get flustered and defensive 168 00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:46,580 because I know how they all see me. 169 00:06:46,660 --> 00:06:49,830 As Kevin's working-class bimbo. 170 00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:51,310 I can't imagine that's what they think. 171 00:06:51,330 --> 00:06:52,410 His really? 172 00:06:52,500 --> 00:06:55,150 Obviously I know that they're wrong, but they put you in your own head, 173 00:06:55,170 --> 00:06:56,310 and you're not yourself around them. 174 00:06:56,340 --> 00:06:58,220 I'm sorry, I was just trying to protect you. 175 00:06:58,300 --> 00:07:00,550 Yes, of course. Thank you for saving me from myself. 176 00:07:00,630 --> 00:07:02,010 Now, if you'll excuse me, 177 00:07:02,090 --> 00:07:04,840 I'll just go sit by the pool and read some fiction, 178 00:07:04,930 --> 00:07:06,770 like the bimbo that I am. 179 00:07:09,730 --> 00:07:11,230 There's a pool here? 180 00:07:14,150 --> 00:07:15,740 Sir, wait. Oh! 181 00:07:16,020 --> 00:07:18,020 Wasn't expecting to catch up to you so fast. 182 00:07:18,110 --> 00:07:19,170 I don't know what to say now. 183 00:07:19,190 --> 00:07:21,590 I thought I was gonna have more running time to formulate it. Oh! I know. 184 00:07:21,610 --> 00:07:23,250 I'm sorry that we kept the case a secret from you. 185 00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:24,490 Oh, I understand why you did. 186 00:07:24,570 --> 00:07:28,120 The truth is, ever since I met Kevin, I've felt insecure in his world. 187 00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:31,240 I can't compete with these highly-educated academics. 188 00:07:31,330 --> 00:07:35,580 I worry every day that I'll make one St. augustine slip too many, 189 00:07:35,670 --> 00:07:37,710 and he'll realize... 190 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:39,540 I'm beneath him. This is insane. 191 00:07:39,630 --> 00:07:41,260 You're the smartest person I know. 192 00:07:41,340 --> 00:07:43,930 I'll explain it to you. Among Kevin's peers, 193 00:07:44,010 --> 00:07:45,510 iwnthejake. No, no, no. 194 00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:47,290 I refuse to live in a world where you're the Jake, 195 00:07:47,310 --> 00:07:49,040 because if you're the Jake, what does that make me? 196 00:07:49,060 --> 00:07:50,440 The Charles? The Hitchcock. 197 00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:52,940 The Hitchcock? Oh, my god. 198 00:07:53,020 --> 00:07:55,290 You dropped down so many more levels than I was expecting. 199 00:07:55,310 --> 00:07:57,270 Okay, you know what? Screw this. 200 00:07:57,360 --> 00:07:59,550 You are so smart, and we're gonna prove it to those professors. 201 00:07:59,570 --> 00:08:00,860 You're gonna work this case, 202 00:08:00,940 --> 00:08:02,270 and you're gonna find those coins. 203 00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:05,740 Vveh, I suppose it would be nice to show them 204 00:08:05,820 --> 00:08:07,910 I'm more than just a hot, dumb piece of ass. 205 00:08:07,990 --> 00:08:09,200 Yes. That's the spirit. 206 00:08:09,290 --> 00:08:10,920 Now get that hot ass moving, 207 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:12,310 'cause we've got a crime to solve. 208 00:08:12,330 --> 00:08:13,640 Peralta, please, have some decorum. 209 00:08:13,670 --> 00:08:15,300 What? I was just using your words. 210 00:08:15,380 --> 00:08:17,150 Look, you teach people the way you want to be treated. 211 00:08:17,170 --> 00:08:18,550 That's what Dr. Phil says. 212 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:21,710 Okay, lunchtime starts in 10 minutes. 213 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:24,760 Whichever team wins gets recorded on the whiteboard of victory. 214 00:08:24,840 --> 00:08:27,430 The winner will be decided by ourjudges, Hitchcock and Scully. 215 00:08:27,510 --> 00:08:29,680 Oh, my god, are we high status, Hitchcock? 216 00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:31,350 I think so. What a world. 217 00:08:31,430 --> 00:08:34,270 Oh, well, good luck. I'm sure you know all the best places to eat 218 00:08:34,310 --> 00:08:37,730 since you've reached elite status on yelp. Oh, wait, that was me. 219 00:08:37,810 --> 00:08:40,160 Oh, because yelp reviewers are sane people with great taste? 220 00:08:40,190 --> 00:08:42,340 Oh, sorry, couldn't hear you over gourmetglen12 saying 221 00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:43,740 that my review of the duck skin 222 00:08:43,820 --> 00:08:46,070 at the hearth and feather was helpful. 223 00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:49,200 Come on, team jeffords. It's chow time. 224 00:08:50,660 --> 00:08:52,300 We have a cool thing to say, too. 225 00:08:52,330 --> 00:08:55,080 Team Santiago, let's lunch-a-bunch! 226 00:08:55,170 --> 00:08:57,380 No, I don't say that. Come on, Rosa, please? 227 00:08:57,460 --> 00:08:59,710 Let's lunch-a-bunch. Ah! Rosa said it. 228 00:08:59,790 --> 00:09:01,330 Did you hear that? Did you hear it? 229 00:09:01,420 --> 00:09:02,550 Ah. 230 00:09:02,630 --> 00:09:04,590 Dean allister? Policeman Raymond. 231 00:09:05,010 --> 00:09:06,550 Good to see you. 232 00:09:07,050 --> 00:09:09,050 Read any interesting magazines lately? 233 00:09:09,140 --> 00:09:11,520 This again? I was waiting for Kevin, I had finished my book, 234 00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:12,930 and I happened to glance at 235 00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:15,610 an issue of the economist that someone left lying about. 236 00:09:15,690 --> 00:09:17,610 All I remember is you becoming unhinged. 237 00:09:17,690 --> 00:09:20,820 The only reason I picked it up was to SWAT a fly. I'm not crazy. 238 00:09:20,900 --> 00:09:22,990 Why are there always flowers here? 239 00:09:23,070 --> 00:09:25,820 So, is policeman Raymond joining the case? 240 00:09:25,900 --> 00:09:27,400 Actually, he's leading it. 241 00:09:27,490 --> 00:09:29,990 Captain holt is the finest investigator I've ever worked with. 242 00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:31,750 Sir, tell him our plan of action. 243 00:09:38,670 --> 00:09:40,300 Clues. Okay, you're freezing up. 244 00:09:40,380 --> 00:09:41,690 I'm just gonna take the wheel for now. 245 00:09:41,710 --> 00:09:43,170 There were no signs of forced entry, 246 00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:44,770 the only people with access to the archives 247 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:48,720 were the professors in the department, and they all have alibis, which means... 248 00:09:49,970 --> 00:09:51,030 I don't know what you want me to say. 249 00:09:51,050 --> 00:09:52,820 Okay, that's my fault for throwing it to you again. 250 00:09:52,850 --> 00:09:54,580 Which means we need to examine the crime scene. 251 00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:55,770 It is there that we will find 252 00:09:55,850 --> 00:09:58,350 what captain holt has so eloquently described as... 253 00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:01,440 Clues? 254 00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:03,150 Sir, you just said it. 255 00:10:03,860 --> 00:10:05,280 Cupcakes up, everyone. 256 00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:07,030 Heather, you already ate yours? 257 00:10:07,110 --> 00:10:08,820 The point is to eat it in their faces. 258 00:10:11,830 --> 00:10:13,750 Honk, honk, bitches. What the hell? 259 00:10:13,830 --> 00:10:15,970 We rented a party limo, drove to coney island for hot dogs, 260 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:17,750 and then did karaoke the entire time. 261 00:10:17,830 --> 00:10:19,870 I sang it wasn't me by shaggy. Crushed it. 262 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:21,550 But that's not even about lunch! It's... 263 00:10:21,630 --> 00:10:22,920 An experience. 264 00:10:23,170 --> 00:10:24,370 Team Amy wins. What? 265 00:10:24,420 --> 00:10:26,510 How did you get there? You were just with us. 266 00:10:26,590 --> 00:10:28,260 Scully was with them. Free food. 267 00:10:28,340 --> 00:10:31,390 Great cupcake, sarge. Butamy still wins. 268 00:10:31,470 --> 00:10:33,140 Eat snazz, losers. 269 00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:38,400 Okay, so there were no witnesses, no cameras, and no prints. 270 00:10:38,480 --> 00:10:40,110 In other words, we have nothing. 271 00:10:40,190 --> 00:10:41,960 That's what you get when you put a bimbo on the case. 272 00:10:41,980 --> 00:10:43,940 Okay, well, let's not give up all hopejust yet. 273 00:10:44,020 --> 00:10:45,190 We do know some things. 274 00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:48,380 For example, the perp entered using a key, which means they probably work here. 275 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:51,490 And they knew enough to skip past all these expensive-looking artifacts. 276 00:10:52,070 --> 00:10:53,610 They walked straight up to this shelf 277 00:10:53,700 --> 00:10:55,330 and grabbed the coin case from up there. 278 00:10:55,410 --> 00:10:56,890 H%toolflgh youcantreachn. Exacfly. 279 00:10:56,910 --> 00:10:59,430 So, now we know that the thief was taller than me. That's a good lead. 280 00:10:59,460 --> 00:11:01,380 Also, we know they were a little bit of a freak, 281 00:11:01,460 --> 00:11:03,000 since I am above average height 282 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:04,420 according to the 1940 census. 283 00:11:04,500 --> 00:11:05,770 I didn't realize you had a thing about your height. 284 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:06,800 I don't! 285 00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:08,190 Because I'm above average. 286 00:11:08,210 --> 00:11:10,150 Why would I have a thing about my height when I'm above average? 287 00:11:10,180 --> 00:11:12,100 It doesn't make any sense. 288 00:11:12,180 --> 00:11:15,390 Anyways, we're looking for an insanely tall perp, a real Shaq type. 289 00:11:15,470 --> 00:11:18,060 Maybe the thief stood on something, like, 290 00:11:18,140 --> 00:11:19,930 one of these drawers. 291 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:22,690 Turn off the light. 292 00:11:23,230 --> 00:11:25,400 Maybe something will show up under uv. 293 00:11:27,190 --> 00:11:28,940 Bingpot! A footprint. 294 00:11:29,030 --> 00:11:30,740 You did it, you brilliant bimbo. 295 00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:33,070 Oh, there you are. Why are you in the dark? 296 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:34,510 Were you not able to find the light switch? 297 00:11:34,530 --> 00:11:36,030 Ha-ha! Very funny. 298 00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:37,310 But I'll actually have you know 299 00:11:37,330 --> 00:11:39,090 captain holtjust found a very promising lead. 300 00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:40,540 Oh, how fun. A lead. 301 00:11:40,620 --> 00:11:42,010 Meanwhile, we actually found the thief. 302 00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:43,080 You did? What? 303 00:11:43,170 --> 00:11:44,800 Technically ourjanitor found him. 304 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:47,090 Come on in, Randy. Tell them how you did their jobs. 305 00:11:47,170 --> 00:11:50,550 Well, um, I was emptying the trash in professor port's office. 306 00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:53,930 I saw something shiny sticking out from underneath a notepad. 307 00:11:54,010 --> 00:11:55,550 It was one of the missing coins. 308 00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:57,230 Dean allister: Great police work. 309 00:11:57,310 --> 00:12:01,810 Perhaps you might want to hire Randy, or, Randy, you could hire them. 310 00:12:01,940 --> 00:12:04,280 It seems like you all have, basically, the same skill set. 311 00:12:05,690 --> 00:12:07,730 We're actually all staffed up in maintenance. 312 00:12:07,820 --> 00:12:09,490 We don't want your job, Randy. 313 00:12:11,900 --> 00:12:15,200 I know Dean allister humiliated us, butwe can still have our revenge. 314 00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:17,910 I watched a ton of horny '80s comedies when I was a kid, 315 00:12:17,990 --> 00:12:20,740 and they're filled with ways of getting back at mean deans. 316 00:12:20,830 --> 00:12:23,040 So, we are gonna throw the wildest party 317 00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:25,000 this campus has ever seen. No. 318 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:26,600 Okay, then we'll have a bikini car wash. 319 00:12:26,630 --> 00:12:28,050 No, no, save your schemes. 320 00:12:28,130 --> 00:12:30,170 I know exactly how to get back at the Dean. 321 00:12:30,260 --> 00:12:32,220 By arresting him. For what? 322 00:12:32,300 --> 00:12:34,780 It seems pretty obvious that port did it. No, no, that makes no sense. 323 00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:37,200 Why would someone steal something valuable and then leave it in their desk? 324 00:12:37,220 --> 00:12:39,620 I feel like this is a veiled shot at me for leaving the crown in my desk 325 00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:41,200 during the third Halloween heist. It is. 326 00:12:41,270 --> 00:12:44,730 Allister planted the coin in professor port's desk. 327 00:12:44,810 --> 00:12:45,890 They're rivals. 328 00:12:45,980 --> 00:12:48,570 Hmm. Did you see the book allister was holding back there? 329 00:12:48,650 --> 00:12:51,610 A biography of Macedonian general, parmenion. 330 00:12:51,690 --> 00:12:52,730 He was taunting us. 331 00:12:52,820 --> 00:12:53,960 Again, I'm the Hitchcock here. 332 00:12:53,990 --> 00:12:55,590 You're gonna have to connect the dots for me. 333 00:12:55,610 --> 00:12:58,150 Parmenion was a close advisor to Alexander the great. 334 00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:00,160 Alexander suspected that parmenion 335 00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:02,370 was trying to supplant him, so he executed him. 336 00:13:02,450 --> 00:13:04,160 He was getting rid of his rival. 337 00:13:04,250 --> 00:13:05,790 Sir, you cracked it. 338 00:13:05,870 --> 00:13:08,080 You and your big hard brain. Hard? 339 00:13:08,170 --> 00:13:11,110 Yes! You have the biggest, hardest brain on earth, and I want you to say it. 340 00:13:11,130 --> 00:13:13,510 Say "I am Raymond holt, and my brain is rock-hard." 341 00:13:13,590 --> 00:13:14,840 A brain shouldn't be hard. 342 00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:17,840 If anything, I'll say, "I am Raymond holt, and my brain is soft and wet." 343 00:13:17,930 --> 00:13:19,720 No, don't say that. It's gross and I hate it. 344 00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:21,140 Let's go do some cop stuff. 345 00:13:22,470 --> 00:13:25,060 Wait, why does Terry's team have four wins? 346 00:13:25,140 --> 00:13:27,890 He only won steaks, bowling, and the mobile escape room. 347 00:13:27,980 --> 00:13:30,860 You're forgetting about our breakfast at the empire state building. 348 00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:32,610 It was so cold up there. 349 00:13:32,730 --> 00:13:35,020 It sounds a lot better than our indoor skydiving lunch. 350 00:13:35,110 --> 00:13:37,300 Speaking of which, are we gonna get reimbursed for that? 351 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:39,950 How dare you complain about the funtastic flyzone. 352 00:13:40,030 --> 00:13:41,820 That was funtastic fun for everyone. 353 00:13:41,910 --> 00:13:43,510 So, what are you guys planning for today? 354 00:13:43,580 --> 00:13:45,920 Oh, nothing much. We're just gonna keep it caj. 355 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:48,000 Us too. Super caj. 356 00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:50,290 Super duper caj. 357 00:13:50,380 --> 00:13:54,760 We all know you're both planning something insanely complicated and annoying. 358 00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:57,470 Your teammates are turning against you, Terry. 359 00:13:57,550 --> 00:13:59,180 I'm on yourteam. Who cares? 360 00:13:59,260 --> 00:14:02,180 We're gonna win. Team lunch-a-bunch forever. 361 00:14:02,930 --> 00:14:04,560 Sir, why are we still doing this? 362 00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:07,450 We've been following him for days, and he hasn't done anything suspicious. 363 00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:08,690 Let's just confront him. 364 00:14:08,770 --> 00:14:11,560 He only hid one of the stolen coins in port's desk. 365 00:14:11,650 --> 00:14:13,750 He'll probably try to sell the others. I want to catch him in the act. 366 00:14:13,780 --> 00:14:15,070 Shh. Here he comes. 367 00:14:20,700 --> 00:14:21,910 These college kids. 368 00:14:21,990 --> 00:14:24,470 I used to wear long-sleeve t-shirts under my short-sleeve t-shirts. 369 00:14:24,490 --> 00:14:25,550 Waita minute, lstill could. 370 00:14:25,580 --> 00:14:26,770 Hang on. He's stopping. 371 00:14:26,790 --> 00:14:27,890 Oh, no, he forgot his phone. 372 00:14:27,910 --> 00:14:29,590 He's gonna turn around and see us. Come on. 373 00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,330 Sorry, sorry. Oh, hey, guys, what's up? 374 00:14:32,420 --> 00:14:34,070 You want to join our a cappella jam circle? 375 00:14:34,090 --> 00:14:35,720 Oh, no. Are you guys Harry Potter fans? 376 00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:37,860 I do not like where this is going. Three, four... 377 00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:40,970 Won't you come visit Hogwarts? 378 00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:46,100 I'll be alone, dancing in Gryffindor 379 00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:50,390 Harry is the best at the spells 380 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:53,440 and as for potions Hermione does well 381 00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:56,560 this is actually pretty funny. You got to know Harry Potter. 382 00:14:57,190 --> 00:14:59,070 Wait a minute. Where'd allister go? 383 00:15:00,150 --> 00:15:03,320 He was standing right here. It's like he vanished without a trace. 384 00:15:03,410 --> 00:15:05,700 Wrong, peralta. He vanished with a trace. 385 00:15:05,790 --> 00:15:08,000 Check it out. His footprint. Gotcha. 386 00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:09,520 I am Raymond holt and my brain is rock-hard. 387 00:15:09,540 --> 00:15:10,600 I'm not going to say that. Smart. 388 00:15:10,620 --> 00:15:11,680 Saving it for a bigger moment 389 00:15:11,710 --> 00:15:13,230 in front of a bunch of people. Can't wait! 390 00:15:13,250 --> 00:15:17,960 Okay, squad, hope you ate lunch already, because it's lunchtime! 391 00:15:18,050 --> 00:15:19,890 What's with the get-ups? Oh. Nothing much. 392 00:15:19,970 --> 00:15:23,180 We just turned the parking garage into an elaborate paintball arena. 393 00:15:23,260 --> 00:15:25,760 It's zombie-themed. We hired 60 actors. 394 00:15:25,850 --> 00:15:26,910 That sounds pretty expensive. 395 00:15:26,930 --> 00:15:28,290 Nah, New York actors are desperate. 396 00:15:28,350 --> 00:15:30,160 For ten bucks, you can shoot 'em right in the face. 397 00:15:30,180 --> 00:15:31,930 Wow! That's amazing. 398 00:15:32,020 --> 00:15:34,770 I don't know how anybody could ever beat that, 399 00:15:34,860 --> 00:15:38,160 except maybe an in-office teppanyaki grill. 400 00:15:38,230 --> 00:15:39,230 Moshi moshi, losers! 401 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:41,450 We got shrimp. We got lobster. 402 00:15:41,530 --> 00:15:43,620 Heather, I know you're allergic to shellfish. 403 00:15:43,700 --> 00:15:45,410 You're just gonna have to not eat. 404 00:15:45,490 --> 00:15:47,870 Where's Heather? Where is everybody? 405 00:15:48,450 --> 00:15:49,890 They're on the roof by Gina's statue. 406 00:15:50,660 --> 00:15:51,740 What the hell, guys? 407 00:15:51,830 --> 00:15:52,830 Oh, god, they found us. 408 00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:54,690 Don't let them take me. Why are you hiding from us? 409 00:15:54,710 --> 00:15:57,210 This lunch competition has gotten out of hand. 410 00:15:57,300 --> 00:15:58,550 No one is having fun. 411 00:15:58,630 --> 00:16:00,010 I keep having panic dreams 412 00:16:00,090 --> 00:16:02,680 about sergeant Santiago shooting down my lunch ideas. 413 00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:05,180 Historic walking tours don't win lunch, Gary. 414 00:16:05,260 --> 00:16:07,350 No one cares aboutwinning lunch. 415 00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:09,350 Please, just leave us alone. 416 00:16:10,770 --> 00:16:12,190 Gary, wait. Look... 417 00:16:12,270 --> 00:16:13,730 Ow! Oh! 418 00:16:13,940 --> 00:16:16,490 Why did you do that? Oh, my god, it was an accident. 419 00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:17,910 This thing doesn't have a safety... 420 00:16:17,940 --> 00:16:19,860 Ow! Ooh! 421 00:16:19,940 --> 00:16:22,070 Stop! Help! 422 00:16:22,150 --> 00:16:24,650 And a big round of applause for janitor Randy 423 00:16:24,740 --> 00:16:26,830 for recovering our precious coin. 424 00:16:26,910 --> 00:16:28,790 Don't applaud for that man. 425 00:16:28,870 --> 00:16:30,710 What's going on? What's going on is, 426 00:16:30,790 --> 00:16:34,000 captain holtjust solved this case. What's there left to solve? 427 00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:36,630 We found the coin in professor port's desk. He's the thief. 428 00:16:36,710 --> 00:16:38,940 Oh, you'd like everyone to believe that, wouldn't you, Dean allister? 429 00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:41,670 Or should I say, general parmenion? 430 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:43,510 Raymond, are you causing a kerfuffle? 431 00:16:43,590 --> 00:16:45,720 Yes. Sometimes a moment calls for a kerfuffle. 432 00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:48,550 No. No moment calls for a kerfuffle. You know my feelings on this. 433 00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:52,190 Dean allister framed professor port to get rid of a rival, 434 00:16:52,270 --> 00:16:54,860 just as Alexander got rid of parmenion. 435 00:16:54,940 --> 00:16:58,280 Preposterous. Do you even have a shred of evidence to back up that claim? 436 00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:00,700 Oh, we've got more than a shred. Look at these photos. 437 00:17:00,780 --> 00:17:03,320 Here, a footprint from the scene of the crime 438 00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:04,400 left by the thief. 439 00:17:04,490 --> 00:17:07,830 And here, another print made yesterday by you. 440 00:17:07,910 --> 00:17:10,160 You've been caught, allister! Is it happening? 441 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:11,490 Caught by me. It is happening. 442 00:17:11,580 --> 00:17:14,670 Me and my rock-hard brain. Ithappened! 443 00:17:14,750 --> 00:17:16,840 Oh, Raymond. Look around. 444 00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:20,220 These shoes I'm wearing with their "unique footprint," 445 00:17:20,290 --> 00:17:21,540 we all have them. 446 00:17:21,630 --> 00:17:23,550 They were the departmental gift this Christmas. 447 00:17:23,630 --> 00:17:24,970 They're actually very funny. 448 00:17:25,050 --> 00:17:26,610 They have "achilles" printed on the heel. 449 00:17:26,630 --> 00:17:28,880 I don't know if I would call that very funny. 450 00:17:28,970 --> 00:17:31,530 I'm surprised you didn't know about them. Kevin must have gotten a pair. 451 00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:33,520 Oh. I remember what happened. 452 00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:36,350 You had to leave the Christmas party before they were handed out. 453 00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:39,070 Why was that again? Oh, yes. The kerfuffle. 454 00:17:39,150 --> 00:17:40,610 But what about the autobiography 455 00:17:40,690 --> 00:17:42,080 of persimminons you were taunting us with? 456 00:17:42,110 --> 00:17:45,150 I suppose I can see how holding any book would seem like a taunt to you. 457 00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:46,430 I own a book. But I don't think Raymond 458 00:17:46,450 --> 00:17:47,990 is remembering the story correctly. 459 00:17:48,070 --> 00:17:50,320 Alexander didn't see parmenion as a rival. 460 00:17:50,410 --> 00:17:52,090 He killed him over a dispute about his son. 461 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:54,660 Oh, no, it's boethius all over again. 462 00:17:54,750 --> 00:17:56,480 Dean allister: At least you got one thing right. 463 00:17:56,500 --> 00:17:59,670 You do have a rock-hard brain. Because that's bad. 464 00:17:59,750 --> 00:18:02,130 Everyone knows that a brain should be soft and wet. 465 00:18:02,210 --> 00:18:04,010 I wanted to say that, but Jake told me not to. 466 00:18:04,090 --> 00:18:07,260 Yeah, because it's gross. 467 00:18:09,510 --> 00:18:10,640 There you are. 468 00:18:12,430 --> 00:18:14,180 You okay, sir? I'm fine. 469 00:18:14,270 --> 00:18:15,810 I have decided to stop fighting it 470 00:18:15,890 --> 00:18:17,330 and lean in to the fact that I'm an idiot. 471 00:18:17,350 --> 00:18:19,690 Look at me, playing a video game. Oh. Which one? 472 00:18:19,770 --> 00:18:21,360 Times crossword app. Not a video game. 473 00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:23,690 It plays a little song when you solve it, 474 00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:25,090 as if you've just learned to potty. 475 00:18:26,530 --> 00:18:28,990 Yes, yes, play me my dunce's tune. 476 00:18:29,070 --> 00:18:32,450 Okay, so those guys look down on you. So what? 477 00:18:32,530 --> 00:18:34,070 Amy's parents look down on me. 478 00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:36,140 They talk about me right in front of my face in Spanish 479 00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:38,260 because they don't think I'm smart enough to learn another language, 480 00:18:38,290 --> 00:18:41,080 but I've been taking classes, and now I can understand 481 00:18:41,170 --> 00:18:43,510 all the hurtful things they've been saying. 482 00:18:43,590 --> 00:18:44,760 And how did that help? 483 00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:46,340 Now I know they think I'm short 484 00:18:46,420 --> 00:18:49,050 and I was able to do some research and find that 1940s census 485 00:18:49,130 --> 00:18:51,010 thatprovesan above average in height. For1940. 486 00:18:51,090 --> 00:18:52,890 Yeah, I'm taller than the greatest generation. 487 00:18:52,970 --> 00:18:55,850 It doesn't matter. The point is, you can use this. 488 00:18:55,930 --> 00:18:58,180 There are benefits to being underestimated. 489 00:18:59,230 --> 00:19:01,860 My goodness. You're right. 490 00:19:01,940 --> 00:19:04,900 There are benefits to being underestimated. 491 00:19:04,980 --> 00:19:06,690 You can get away with anything. 492 00:19:06,780 --> 00:19:09,490 Sir? Are you going to kill the Dean? 493 00:19:09,570 --> 00:19:12,490 No. What if the thief was someone we dismissed 494 00:19:12,570 --> 00:19:14,210 because they didn't have a classics background? 495 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:15,870 Someone who wasn't a professor? 496 00:19:15,950 --> 00:19:17,370 But what about the footprints? 497 00:19:17,450 --> 00:19:18,720 The shoes were only given to faculty. 498 00:19:18,750 --> 00:19:21,250 There was one pair that was unaccounted for, Kevin's. 499 00:19:21,330 --> 00:19:24,290 They were left at the party to be cleaned up. 500 00:19:24,380 --> 00:19:28,090 By janitor Randy. My story solved it. I'm tall. 501 00:19:28,170 --> 00:19:31,010 Hey, everyone, we would like to say we're sorry 502 00:19:31,090 --> 00:19:33,010 for letting this competition get the best of us. 503 00:19:33,090 --> 00:19:35,630 And to make it up to you, we figured out what to do for lunch. 504 00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:38,850 Please, whatever your new idea is, I just don't want to get shot again. 505 00:19:38,930 --> 00:19:40,850 Ugh. Gary, it was a paintball. Suck it up. 506 00:19:40,940 --> 00:19:42,440 Isn't this supposed to be an apology? 507 00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:45,360 Yes. You're right. I'm sorry. 508 00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:47,670 I mean, I shot my husband with a real bullet two years ago, 509 00:19:47,690 --> 00:19:49,710 and it comes up way less than this. Way less than this. 510 00:19:49,740 --> 00:19:50,740 Guys! Right. 511 00:19:50,820 --> 00:19:52,490 What we're trying to say is 512 00:19:52,570 --> 00:19:56,320 that we lost sight of what this was all really about, building morale. 513 00:19:56,410 --> 00:19:58,550 So, we bought two-ply toilet paper for the whole squad. 514 00:19:58,580 --> 00:20:00,120 I call shotgun! Shotgun! 515 00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:02,830 Also, I sold theteppanyakignh 516 00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:06,130 and used the money to turn the briefing room into... 517 00:20:06,210 --> 00:20:07,500 The lunch zone. 518 00:20:07,590 --> 00:20:09,180 Oh, no. What's the lunch zone? 519 00:20:09,260 --> 00:20:11,930 Is it some place we have to put on a harness and not eat lunch? 520 00:20:12,010 --> 00:20:13,470 There are no harnesses. 521 00:20:14,390 --> 00:20:17,520 There are phone chargers and noise-canceling headphones. 522 00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:20,050 So you can eat your lunch and stare at your phone 523 00:20:20,140 --> 00:20:22,730 and you won't have to see or hear anyone you work with. 524 00:20:22,810 --> 00:20:25,690 It's perfect. It's absolutely perfect. 525 00:20:25,770 --> 00:20:26,810 We're so glad you like it. 526 00:20:26,860 --> 00:20:29,070 And just to be sure, I'm not gonna get shot? 527 00:20:29,150 --> 00:20:31,990 Oh, my god, Gary. Yes! You won't get shot! 528 00:20:32,820 --> 00:20:34,240 Yeah, I stole those coins. 529 00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:35,720 Can't believe you bought that whole story. 530 00:20:35,740 --> 00:20:37,450 They underestimated you, Randy, 531 00:20:37,530 --> 00:20:39,320 just as they underestimated Raymond holt. 532 00:20:39,410 --> 00:20:41,300 Well, you guys haven't been that great to me either. 533 00:20:41,330 --> 00:20:43,230 Well, you got to teach people how you want to be treated, Randy. 534 00:20:43,250 --> 00:20:44,250 Dr. Phil, rip. 535 00:20:44,330 --> 00:20:47,420 The point is, captain holt solved the case when no one else could. 536 00:20:47,500 --> 00:20:49,780 He's actually been stealing from these archives for years. 537 00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:52,240 You've been asleep at the wheel, allister. You're an embarrassment. 538 00:20:52,260 --> 00:20:55,850 Really? Well, at least I've never confused St. augustine with boethius. 539 00:20:55,930 --> 00:20:58,730 Oh, who gives a rat's ass about boethius, Wesley? 540 00:20:58,800 --> 00:20:59,840 What are you doing, Kevin? 541 00:20:59,890 --> 00:21:01,640 I am creating a kerfuffle. Oh, damn. 542 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:04,180 Sure, my husband is a hot piece of ass, 543 00:21:04,270 --> 00:21:05,900 but he is so much more than just that. 544 00:21:05,980 --> 00:21:08,520 Raymond holt is as smart as anyone in this department, 545 00:21:08,610 --> 00:21:12,610 but he chooses to use his intelligence to make our city a better place. 546 00:21:14,070 --> 00:21:16,620 One day, I hope to live up to the standard you set. 547 00:21:17,110 --> 00:21:20,320 You make me want to have a wetter brain. 548 00:21:20,410 --> 00:21:21,750 Oh, Kevin. 549 00:21:24,750 --> 00:21:26,290 Y'all are hella specific.