1 00:00:12,670 --> 00:00:14,670 This programme contains strong language 2 00:00:14,710 --> 00:00:17,710 and scenes that some viewers may find disturbing or upsetting. 3 00:00:45,590 --> 00:00:46,230 DOOR OPENS 4 00:00:47,510 --> 00:00:48,550 Ahem. 5 00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:50,470 They're ready for you. 6 00:00:53,030 --> 00:00:54,750 Gwendolyn Harris. We've met. 7 00:00:54,790 --> 00:00:56,030 Bournemouth. 8 00:00:56,070 --> 00:00:57,750 But you don't know the others. 9 00:00:57,790 --> 00:00:59,830 No, but I'm familiar with you. 10 00:00:59,870 --> 00:01:02,390 Why do you want to be an MP? 11 00:01:02,430 --> 00:01:04,830 Because I'm not satisfied with the way things are, 12 00:01:04,870 --> 00:01:08,150 and rather than sit back and moan I'd prefer to do something about it. 13 00:01:09,230 --> 00:01:10,470 Go again from the top. 14 00:01:10,510 --> 00:01:14,150 I don't know why anyone's surprised the world's number one teen idol 15 00:01:14,190 --> 00:01:15,550 has become a Scientologist. 16 00:01:15,590 --> 00:01:17,110 Speed up the autocue, please. 17 00:01:17,150 --> 00:01:19,270 Pop stars do believe in weird things. 18 00:01:19,310 --> 00:01:22,670 'Abba believed in angels. R Kelly believed he could fly...' 19 00:01:22,710 --> 00:01:23,910 They said show you this. 20 00:01:23,950 --> 00:01:25,390 This happened just now? 21 00:01:25,430 --> 00:01:26,030 Mm-hmm. 22 00:01:26,070 --> 00:01:27,550 Gladwell? 23 00:01:27,590 --> 00:01:30,270 "Shamed Tory Jason Gladwell resigns," - capitals - 24 00:01:30,310 --> 00:01:32,190 "over Twitter porn pics scandal." 25 00:01:32,230 --> 00:01:33,670 Oh, so he wasn't hacked after all. 26 00:01:33,710 --> 00:01:35,990 "Originally claimed his account had been hacked, 27 00:01:36,030 --> 00:01:39,070 "resignation statement admits inappropriate correspondence 28 00:01:39,110 --> 00:01:40,190 "with a 15-year-old girl." 29 00:01:40,230 --> 00:01:43,230 So tweeting dick photos is correspondence now, is it? 30 00:01:43,270 --> 00:01:45,270 "Departure triggers a by-election 31 00:01:45,310 --> 00:01:47,550 "in his Stentonford and Hersham constituency." 32 00:01:47,590 --> 00:01:49,030 Well, you get to use the Gladwell stuff. 33 00:01:49,070 --> 00:01:50,110 Mm-hmm. 34 00:01:50,150 --> 00:01:52,350 Bump it all up to the top of the monologue. 35 00:01:52,390 --> 00:01:54,030 Anyone seen Jamie? 36 00:01:54,070 --> 00:01:56,030 PHONE DIALLING 37 00:01:59,910 --> 00:02:00,910 Rach? 38 00:02:00,950 --> 00:02:03,190 'You really shouldn't be calling me any more. 39 00:02:03,230 --> 00:02:04,910 'You need to sort yourself out.' 40 00:02:04,950 --> 00:02:06,390 I am. 41 00:02:06,430 --> 00:02:08,910 'Focus on Waldo, that's going well for you.' 42 00:02:08,950 --> 00:02:10,270 But it is not... 43 00:02:10,310 --> 00:02:12,030 'He's a hit, Jamie.' 44 00:02:12,190 --> 00:02:14,550 "He." Not me, "he". 45 00:02:14,590 --> 00:02:16,190 'Just do your show.' 46 00:02:16,350 --> 00:02:18,030 I will. I mean, hon, if you'd just... 47 00:02:18,070 --> 00:02:19,270 PHONE CUTS OFF 48 00:02:19,310 --> 00:02:20,830 (KNOCKING) Jamie? 49 00:02:22,030 --> 00:02:23,590 Jamie, hurry up. 50 00:02:24,830 --> 00:02:27,110 What do you know about Stentonford and Hersham? 51 00:02:27,150 --> 00:02:28,950 Safe Tory seat. 52 00:02:28,990 --> 00:02:32,270 So, realistically, I know there's not much of a chance, but... 53 00:02:32,310 --> 00:02:35,190 So, it's a stepping stone for you? 54 00:02:35,230 --> 00:02:36,670 Yes. 55 00:02:38,150 --> 00:02:41,390 Obviously, I wouldn't say that outside of this room, 56 00:02:41,430 --> 00:02:43,470 but, well, you want me to be honest. 57 00:02:43,510 --> 00:02:45,030 There's no point in pretending. 58 00:02:45,070 --> 00:02:49,590 Is there anything in your past that might conceivably cause problems? 59 00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:50,870 No. 60 00:02:52,150 --> 00:02:53,870 Except... 61 00:02:54,870 --> 00:02:57,470 ..I did commit a series of murders in Huddersfield 62 00:02:57,510 --> 00:02:59,470 between 1999 and 2003. 63 00:02:59,510 --> 00:03:01,070 But apart from that... 64 00:03:04,950 --> 00:03:07,310 Well, thank you, Gwendolyn. 65 00:03:07,350 --> 00:03:09,270 If you could leave via that door. 66 00:03:09,310 --> 00:03:11,030 Oh, that door? 67 00:03:11,070 --> 00:03:13,070 We like to keep the candidates separate. 68 00:03:14,150 --> 00:03:15,630 Right, yes. 69 00:03:26,590 --> 00:03:29,830 (MUTTERS) Idiot. Idiot! 70 00:03:31,430 --> 00:03:34,910 Shamed super groomer and all-round pillock of the community 71 00:03:34,950 --> 00:03:38,030 Jason Gladwell has resigned as an MP, 72 00:03:38,070 --> 00:03:41,710 saying he could no longer maintain his position. 73 00:03:41,750 --> 00:03:43,990 That position, presumably, being hunched over 74 00:03:44,030 --> 00:03:46,190 wanking madly at school kids. 75 00:03:46,230 --> 00:03:47,790 'A pal of Gladwell said...' 76 00:03:47,830 --> 00:03:48,630 You ready? 77 00:03:48,670 --> 00:03:49,990 Uh-huh. 78 00:03:50,030 --> 00:03:52,070 ..how old the girl wasn't. 79 00:03:52,110 --> 00:03:53,670 That's the sort of feeble excuse 80 00:03:53,710 --> 00:03:56,390 'only a naive school kid would swallow - 81 00:03:56,430 --> 00:03:58,310 'which, presumably, was the idea. 82 00:03:59,590 --> 00:04:02,470 'Anyway, the bad news is he's resigned in disgrace.' 83 00:04:02,510 --> 00:04:05,550 The good news is he's now free to pursue a full-time career 84 00:04:05,590 --> 00:04:08,190 in the disgraced paedophile industry. 85 00:04:08,230 --> 00:04:09,830 LAUGHTER 86 00:04:09,870 --> 00:04:12,390 Personally, I don't understand why anyone's surprised... 87 00:04:12,430 --> 00:04:14,790 Um, small change to the intro. 88 00:04:14,870 --> 00:04:15,750 What? 89 00:04:15,790 --> 00:04:17,470 Nothing huge, Conor wanted the Jacko gag for the monologue, so... 90 00:04:17,510 --> 00:04:18,950 That was my bit. 91 00:04:19,030 --> 00:04:20,190 There is the Chancellor stuff, you could use that. 92 00:04:20,230 --> 00:04:21,550 Bit politics. 93 00:04:21,590 --> 00:04:22,390 You can do politics. 94 00:04:22,430 --> 00:04:23,950 I do piss-taking. 95 00:04:23,990 --> 00:04:25,030 Go be Waldo. 96 00:04:25,190 --> 00:04:26,270 Yes, commander. 97 00:04:26,310 --> 00:04:28,190 'R Kelly believed he could fly, 98 00:04:28,230 --> 00:04:31,550 'and Michael Jackson believed that his doctor was qualified...' 99 00:04:31,590 --> 00:04:33,630 (DEEP VOICE) Big ball blue bear bollocks. 100 00:04:33,670 --> 00:04:35,390 And now it's time for our final visit 101 00:04:35,430 --> 00:04:37,830 to the world of educational children's programming 102 00:04:37,870 --> 00:04:39,390 courtesy of everyone's favourite, 103 00:04:39,430 --> 00:04:42,830 and only occasionally inappropriate cool kids' TV character, 104 00:04:42,870 --> 00:04:44,190 Waldo. 105 00:04:47,150 --> 00:04:49,670 Whose mum's in tonight, apparently. 106 00:04:49,710 --> 00:04:52,470 Waldo, who have you had in your cave this week? 107 00:04:52,510 --> 00:04:55,830 Well, Conor, in my big pink cave this week 108 00:04:55,870 --> 00:04:58,830 I had former Minister for Culture Liam Monroe. 109 00:04:58,870 --> 00:05:00,750 Oh, he's quite handsome, isn't he? 110 00:05:00,790 --> 00:05:03,030 I was hoping he'd nosh me off! 111 00:05:03,070 --> 00:05:04,830 Want to see how it panned out? 112 00:05:04,870 --> 00:05:06,470 I think we should. 113 00:05:06,510 --> 00:05:07,830 Run VT! 114 00:05:09,230 --> 00:05:11,590 APPLAUSE 115 00:05:17,310 --> 00:05:19,350 LAUGHTER 116 00:05:20,710 --> 00:05:22,110 Hey, everybody! 117 00:05:22,150 --> 00:05:24,110 It's Waldo time! 118 00:05:24,150 --> 00:05:25,590 Yeah! 119 00:05:25,630 --> 00:05:27,110 Cool! Cool! 120 00:05:27,150 --> 00:05:30,110 Waldo-rrific! 121 00:05:30,150 --> 00:05:31,470 Ha-ha-ha! 122 00:05:31,510 --> 00:05:34,990 Hey, kids, my guest this week is Mr Monroe. 123 00:05:35,030 --> 00:05:36,550 Hello, Mr Monroe. 124 00:05:36,590 --> 00:05:37,950 Hello, Waldo. 125 00:05:37,990 --> 00:05:41,030 Mr Monroe is a politician. 126 00:05:45,230 --> 00:05:47,670 So, what is a politician, Mr Monroe? 127 00:05:47,710 --> 00:05:49,550 Well, a politician is someone 128 00:05:49,590 --> 00:05:52,270 who tries to make the world a fairer place. 129 00:05:52,310 --> 00:05:53,830 Like Batman. 130 00:05:53,870 --> 00:05:55,750 Not exactly like Batman. 131 00:05:55,790 --> 00:05:57,630 Do you beat people up? 132 00:05:57,670 --> 00:05:59,030 No, I don't beat people up. 133 00:05:59,070 --> 00:06:00,590 Oh, you're a pussy then? 134 00:06:02,430 --> 00:06:04,390 Well, I'm not sure I know exactly what... 135 00:06:04,430 --> 00:06:07,110 You don't know what pussy is? 136 00:06:07,150 --> 00:06:08,470 LAUGHTER 137 00:06:09,710 --> 00:06:12,190 OK, this is clearly some kind of joke. 138 00:06:12,230 --> 00:06:14,830 No joke, sorry, let's move on. 139 00:06:14,870 --> 00:06:16,110 Friends again? 140 00:06:16,150 --> 00:06:17,830 (KISSES) 141 00:06:25,910 --> 00:06:28,190 Oh, hello, mate, great show. 142 00:06:28,230 --> 00:06:29,310 Well done, really good. 143 00:06:29,350 --> 00:06:30,590 So, we'll bring him over. 144 00:06:30,630 --> 00:06:32,390 You go and get him, I'll explain about... 145 00:06:32,430 --> 00:06:34,190 'Now, he comes across...' 146 00:06:34,230 --> 00:06:35,550 Jamie! 147 00:06:35,590 --> 00:06:37,590 (WALDO'S VOICE) What you want, Miss Tamsin? 148 00:06:37,630 --> 00:06:39,750 Behind me, man in glasses talking to Jack Napier. 149 00:06:39,790 --> 00:06:40,470 Jack freaks me out. 150 00:06:40,510 --> 00:06:41,830 Yeah, ditto, 151 00:06:41,870 --> 00:06:44,030 but he owns the company and the man he's with is important 152 00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:44,830 and wants to talk to you. 153 00:06:44,870 --> 00:06:46,110 (SIGHS) 154 00:06:46,150 --> 00:06:47,670 He's from the channel. 155 00:06:47,710 --> 00:06:49,190 Go on. 156 00:06:49,230 --> 00:06:49,950 'Honestly, all I'm saying...' 157 00:06:49,990 --> 00:06:51,390 'Is he shy?' 158 00:06:51,430 --> 00:06:53,630 'No, all I'm saying is he's a terrific guy...' 159 00:06:53,670 --> 00:06:54,950 Jim, Jamie, Jamie, Jim. 160 00:06:54,990 --> 00:06:55,950 How do you do? 161 00:06:55,990 --> 00:06:57,190 Jim, Jack, James. 162 00:06:57,230 --> 00:06:58,470 Jamie. 163 00:06:58,510 --> 00:07:01,110 Jim was just talking about Waldo. 164 00:07:01,150 --> 00:07:03,950 Yeah. Liam Monroe has lodged a complaint. 165 00:07:05,070 --> 00:07:06,390 Toys out the pram. 166 00:07:06,430 --> 00:07:07,750 And that's...? 167 00:07:07,790 --> 00:07:09,110 Good press. 168 00:07:09,150 --> 00:07:11,550 It's so tough to get a breakthrough these days, 169 00:07:11,590 --> 00:07:14,030 but when it does, well, it's just fantastic. 170 00:07:14,070 --> 00:07:16,470 It's fantastic the way Waldo puts the piss up Monroe. 171 00:07:16,510 --> 00:07:19,910 You know, all those twats, it's punk, it's... it's... 172 00:07:19,950 --> 00:07:21,110 'Jack?' 173 00:07:21,150 --> 00:07:22,510 Excuse me. 174 00:07:24,070 --> 00:07:27,270 Well, Twitter can't get enough of Waldo, loves him. 175 00:07:28,790 --> 00:07:31,750 Look, I know the show's coming back again next year, 176 00:07:31,790 --> 00:07:34,350 but we want to see more of Waldo. 177 00:07:36,470 --> 00:07:37,750 They want to do a pilot. 178 00:07:37,790 --> 00:07:38,670 A Waldo pilot? 179 00:07:38,710 --> 00:07:40,830 Yeah. I mean, how does that sound? 180 00:07:40,870 --> 00:07:43,030 Yeah. Sounds good. 181 00:07:43,070 --> 00:07:46,230 Sounds stormin' Norman, fucking stormin'. 182 00:07:46,270 --> 00:07:47,710 Going to give it to 'em. 183 00:07:53,710 --> 00:07:55,350 PHONE BEEPS 184 00:08:07,750 --> 00:08:10,310 But look, we can't do sketches without Waldo. 185 00:08:10,350 --> 00:08:12,310 It's a Waldo pilot, it's a Waldo show, 186 00:08:12,350 --> 00:08:13,910 it's got to be Waldo, Waldo, Waldo. 187 00:08:13,950 --> 00:08:16,670 Realistically, there isn't the budget for other animations. 188 00:08:16,710 --> 00:08:18,830 I mean live action, other characters I can do. 189 00:08:18,870 --> 00:08:20,750 What about the Brown Knight? 190 00:08:20,790 --> 00:08:22,310 What, the crap crusader? 191 00:08:22,350 --> 00:08:24,270 We can look into the Brown Knight. 192 00:08:24,310 --> 00:08:26,870 But right now let's find more Waldo ideas. 193 00:08:28,510 --> 00:08:31,830 The problem is, any guests we book will be in on it. 194 00:08:31,870 --> 00:08:34,190 They know that Waldo's a joke, the surprise is gone. 195 00:08:34,230 --> 00:08:36,110 So, we think round that. 196 00:08:36,150 --> 00:08:38,790 (WALD) Hey, boys and girls! It's Waldo time! 197 00:08:38,830 --> 00:08:40,950 Yeah! Ha-ha! 198 00:08:42,070 --> 00:08:43,830 He's awesome, isn't he? 199 00:08:43,870 --> 00:08:47,590 I mean, look - sod name in lights, you're an app now, my brother. 200 00:08:49,990 --> 00:08:52,830 All right, Sara? How's the think tanking going, good shit? 201 00:08:52,870 --> 00:08:54,830 Um, yeah, yeah, we're making headway. 202 00:08:54,870 --> 00:08:56,310 Good. 203 00:08:56,350 --> 00:08:58,670 I see our friend Monroe is in the news again, 204 00:08:58,710 --> 00:09:01,390 running in the Stentonford by-election. 205 00:09:01,430 --> 00:09:02,990 We should get Waldo down there. 206 00:09:04,070 --> 00:09:06,270 Hey, that's not a bad idea, actually. 207 00:09:06,310 --> 00:09:09,470 We get a van with a screen with the image of Waldo on the side. 208 00:09:09,510 --> 00:09:10,670 Like it. 209 00:09:10,710 --> 00:09:12,910 And then, when Monroe's doing a meet and greet, 210 00:09:12,950 --> 00:09:14,750 we just turn up and just get under his skin. 211 00:09:14,790 --> 00:09:16,150 I love that, I love it. 212 00:09:16,190 --> 00:09:16,870 We've done Monroe. 213 00:09:16,910 --> 00:09:18,230 But it was a great bit. 214 00:09:18,270 --> 00:09:20,670 I'm not dumb or clever enough to be political... 215 00:09:20,710 --> 00:09:24,030 Why don't we get Waldo to stand for the by-election? 216 00:09:24,070 --> 00:09:25,110 Get people to vote for him? 217 00:09:25,150 --> 00:09:26,310 He's not real. 218 00:09:26,350 --> 00:09:28,830 But people have stood as fictional characters before. 219 00:09:28,870 --> 00:09:31,110 Do you think Screaming Lord Sutch was his real name? 220 00:09:31,150 --> 00:09:33,390 We just put "commonly known as" on the ballot. 221 00:09:33,430 --> 00:09:36,030 No-one's actually going to vote for him, that's not the point. 222 00:09:36,070 --> 00:09:39,110 The point is, we get to hang around, we're there for the count. 223 00:09:39,150 --> 00:09:41,790 Well, go on then, Sara, whack it up there. 224 00:10:02,310 --> 00:10:04,670 'He's with a mum and baby group.' 225 00:10:04,710 --> 00:10:08,350 OK. Going live in five... four... three two... 226 00:10:08,390 --> 00:10:11,030 'Thank you so much for joining me this morning.' 227 00:10:11,070 --> 00:10:12,670 It's been incredibly informative 228 00:10:12,710 --> 00:10:15,870 and I think we should have a little round of applause for the children, 229 00:10:15,910 --> 00:10:17,830 who were fantastic. 230 00:10:17,870 --> 00:10:20,350 Thank you, Naomi. 231 00:10:20,390 --> 00:10:22,230 Thank you for your time. 232 00:10:25,230 --> 00:10:26,670 Hey! 233 00:10:26,870 --> 00:10:29,230 Hey, it's me Waldo. 234 00:10:29,270 --> 00:10:31,670 Oh. I like your trainers, man! 235 00:10:31,710 --> 00:10:34,190 I'd wear trainers myself but I can't cos I haven't got feet. 236 00:10:34,230 --> 00:10:35,270 I've got stumps. 237 00:10:35,310 --> 00:10:36,710 (THEY LAUGH) 238 00:10:36,750 --> 00:10:37,510 He's out. 239 00:10:37,550 --> 00:10:39,590 Hey, Mr Monroe! Mr Monroe. 240 00:10:39,630 --> 00:10:41,710 Hey! Did you get off with any of the mums? 241 00:10:41,750 --> 00:10:43,830 Where'd you look while they were breastfeeding? 242 00:10:43,870 --> 00:10:46,310 They got big milky tits, Mr Monroe! 243 00:10:46,350 --> 00:10:48,070 He said it! 244 00:10:48,110 --> 00:10:50,510 Mr Monroe, don't walk away from me! 245 00:10:50,550 --> 00:10:51,110 I'm sorry about this, Liam. 246 00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:52,430 Hey, I'm being snubbed! 247 00:10:52,470 --> 00:10:55,150 Hey, don't ignore me. Don't just get in your car. 248 00:10:55,190 --> 00:10:57,390 It's a death trap anyway, look at it! 249 00:10:57,430 --> 00:10:59,430 Let's find out what we can about the idiot inside that thing. 250 00:10:59,470 --> 00:11:00,430 Sure. 251 00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:03,430 Mr Monroe. Oi! 252 00:11:05,190 --> 00:11:06,630 PHONE RINGING 253 00:11:06,670 --> 00:11:08,830 'Stentonford Labour Party.' 254 00:11:08,870 --> 00:11:10,750 Right, you've got a choice of styles, 255 00:11:10,790 --> 00:11:16,070 so just choose one from there. Then you put your name in there. 256 00:11:16,110 --> 00:11:17,750 This is like bloody Moonpig. 257 00:11:19,110 --> 00:11:20,910 Don't knock the free mail out. 258 00:11:23,110 --> 00:11:25,790 Bet Liam Monroe doesn't use some Fisher-Price leaflet app. 259 00:11:25,830 --> 00:11:27,310 He doesn't have to. 260 00:11:33,390 --> 00:11:35,990 Day one of the campaign in Stentonford and Hersham, 261 00:11:36,030 --> 00:11:38,830 and Tory hopeful Liam Monroe hits the ground running. 262 00:11:38,870 --> 00:11:41,750 The licence fee is something that's very close to my heart... 263 00:11:41,790 --> 00:11:44,110 'Mr Monroe, ey! Oh, oh, oh! Look at me Mr Monroe, please!' 264 00:11:44,150 --> 00:11:46,710 Hey, over here! Hey, over here... 265 00:11:46,750 --> 00:11:48,710 Look over here, Mr Monroe... 266 00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:50,510 The Conservative Party have been, er... 267 00:11:50,550 --> 00:11:54,230 Have been arguing for a reduction of the licence fee for... 268 00:11:54,270 --> 00:11:54,990 Good morning, everybody. 269 00:11:55,030 --> 00:11:56,030 Pardon? 270 00:11:56,230 --> 00:11:57,470 Why you ignoring me, Mr Monroe? Mr Monroe? Why you ignoring me? 271 00:11:57,510 --> 00:11:58,710 I beg your pardon. 272 00:11:58,750 --> 00:12:00,790 I'm sorry. It's rather loud. 273 00:12:00,830 --> 00:12:02,430 We have argued for a further reduction in the licence fee... 274 00:12:02,470 --> 00:12:04,230 Mr Monroe? Why you ignoring me? 275 00:12:04,270 --> 00:12:06,030 Mum with a pushchair - drag her into it. 276 00:12:06,070 --> 00:12:07,470 Hey, you. Mum with the pushchair. 277 00:12:07,510 --> 00:12:11,470 Yeah, you. Ask Mr Monroe why he's ignoring me. 278 00:12:11,510 --> 00:12:13,710 Why are you ignoring Waldo? 279 00:12:13,750 --> 00:12:17,150 'Mr Monroe, what's Waldo done to you?' 280 00:12:17,190 --> 00:12:20,670 We should probably just shift before this turns stupid. 281 00:12:21,990 --> 00:12:23,990 I'm not walking away from a cartoon. 282 00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:27,590 'I'm not ignoring you.' 283 00:12:27,630 --> 00:12:29,790 Yeah, you were, you upset me. 284 00:12:29,830 --> 00:12:31,910 You made Waldo sad. 285 00:12:31,950 --> 00:12:35,430 Wa-a-a-a-a-a-ah. 286 00:12:37,150 --> 00:12:40,790 Well, obviously, I'm absolutely devastated that you're upset... 287 00:12:40,830 --> 00:12:42,990 WA-A-A-A-A-A-A... 288 00:12:43,030 --> 00:12:45,310 (CROWD LAUGHS) 289 00:12:45,350 --> 00:12:48,270 Let him get a word in. 290 00:12:49,470 --> 00:12:52,910 I'm not ignoring you because there is no you. 291 00:12:52,950 --> 00:12:55,750 You are an image voiced by a comedian - 292 00:12:55,790 --> 00:12:57,630 an alleged comedian, more accurately. 293 00:12:57,670 --> 00:12:59,750 If I'm not real, why you talking to him? 294 00:12:59,790 --> 00:13:01,710 And by "him" I mean me, knobber! 295 00:13:01,750 --> 00:13:04,070 (CROWD LAUGHS) 296 00:13:04,110 --> 00:13:06,590 There's no point in attempting to converse with a cartoon. 297 00:13:06,630 --> 00:13:09,390 Ooh, "converse", Your Lordship! 298 00:13:09,430 --> 00:13:12,790 Thy flowery language doth give me a right throbbing bone-on! 299 00:13:12,830 --> 00:13:14,550 Uh-ha-ha-ha-huh! 300 00:13:14,590 --> 00:13:16,070 (CROWD GASPS AND LAUGHS) 301 00:13:16,110 --> 00:13:17,950 Uh-er-ha-ha! 302 00:13:17,990 --> 00:13:20,070 Ha-ha-ha-ha-uh-uh-uh! 303 00:13:20,110 --> 00:13:23,630 Uh-uh-uh-oh! Huh! 304 00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:25,030 Finished. 305 00:13:25,070 --> 00:13:26,030 (CROWD LAUGHS) 306 00:13:32,390 --> 00:13:34,150 Drink? 307 00:13:34,190 --> 00:13:35,750 I've got e-mails. 308 00:13:42,350 --> 00:13:45,350 You know that's Gwendolyn Harris? 309 00:13:45,390 --> 00:13:46,630 The Labour candidate. 310 00:13:48,550 --> 00:13:50,230 Did you read my background doc? 311 00:13:50,270 --> 00:13:51,390 Yes. 312 00:13:52,990 --> 00:13:55,430 Why don't you read it tonight? Alone. 313 00:14:05,190 --> 00:14:08,270 I'll swing by about nine, so have your breakfast first... 314 00:14:08,310 --> 00:14:10,310 Are you my dad? 315 00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:13,190 Apparently not. See you tomorrow. 316 00:14:15,070 --> 00:14:18,270 (TELEVISION)'.. Waldo the bear left Monroe in stunned silence. 317 00:14:18,310 --> 00:14:20,790 'The colourful Waldo launched his own campaign 318 00:14:20,830 --> 00:14:23,790 'in typically loud and crowd-pleasing style...' 319 00:14:26,910 --> 00:14:28,910 Someone's bold? Do I know you? 320 00:14:28,950 --> 00:14:31,270 Nice way to greet a voter... 321 00:14:31,310 --> 00:14:33,230 Sorry, I thought you were... 322 00:14:33,270 --> 00:14:36,310 Actually, I'm more of a rival. 323 00:14:36,350 --> 00:14:39,790 "Hey, Mr Monroe, Mr Monroe, why are you ignoring me, Mr Monroe?" 324 00:14:39,830 --> 00:14:41,030 You're good at that! 325 00:14:41,070 --> 00:14:42,150 Because I am that. 326 00:14:42,190 --> 00:14:43,270 What? You're that thing? 327 00:14:43,310 --> 00:14:46,710 Waldo's not a thing, he's a bear. 328 00:14:46,750 --> 00:14:50,990 Liam Monroe calls him worse. Nice work there, by the way. 329 00:14:51,030 --> 00:14:54,510 Yeah, well. It's dick jokes at his expense basically. 330 00:14:54,550 --> 00:14:55,630 Another one? 331 00:14:55,670 --> 00:14:57,070 OK. One. 332 00:15:01,310 --> 00:15:04,470 The way you describe it, it's like you're doing this for a showreel... 333 00:15:04,510 --> 00:15:05,510 No... 334 00:15:05,550 --> 00:15:08,230 ..like this place is the equivalent of a walk-on in a sketch show... 335 00:15:08,270 --> 00:15:09,270 Shh! 336 00:15:09,430 --> 00:15:11,950 .. but your party leader has to show up because it's a... mid-thing... 337 00:15:11,990 --> 00:15:13,150 Midterm by-election. 338 00:15:13,190 --> 00:15:14,190 Terminology tits. 339 00:15:14,230 --> 00:15:15,390 You are 12! 340 00:15:15,430 --> 00:15:17,350 So because leaderballs is there, 341 00:15:17,390 --> 00:15:20,390 suddenly it's walk-on in a Ricky Gervais sketch show 342 00:15:20,430 --> 00:15:21,750 so it's good exposure. 343 00:15:21,950 --> 00:15:23,230 You're not going to win, you know you're not going to win... 344 00:15:23,270 --> 00:15:24,270 Come on, shh. 345 00:15:24,310 --> 00:15:26,310 You're not going to win though. 346 00:15:26,350 --> 00:15:27,350 Of course not. 347 00:15:27,390 --> 00:15:28,550 So, why not be honest? 348 00:15:28,590 --> 00:15:30,590 Say, "You arseholes aren't going to vote for me, 349 00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:32,030 "so here's what I think anyway."? 350 00:15:32,070 --> 00:15:32,990 It doesn't work like that. 351 00:15:33,030 --> 00:15:35,470 Nothing does, that's why everything's bollocksed. 352 00:15:35,510 --> 00:15:38,710 You're angry, for someone who's doing well. 353 00:15:38,750 --> 00:15:42,710 I'm the voice of a blue bear... 354 00:15:42,750 --> 00:15:45,350 if that's, "doing well," then we are doomed! 355 00:15:49,510 --> 00:15:50,550 I can't see! 356 00:15:50,590 --> 00:15:52,070 Hang on, there's a thing. 357 00:15:55,390 --> 00:15:58,910 Have you had a fox in here or do you live like a 14-year-old? 358 00:16:03,550 --> 00:16:05,670 Well, don't get too excited, I'm not sleeping in it. 359 00:16:05,710 --> 00:16:06,950 Shit, really? 360 00:16:23,870 --> 00:16:24,870 (You're amazing.) 361 00:16:24,910 --> 00:16:26,030 Sorry? 362 00:16:26,070 --> 00:16:27,870 You're amazing? 363 00:16:27,910 --> 00:16:29,470 Oh, thank you! 364 00:16:47,310 --> 00:16:49,670 (SIGHS) 365 00:16:53,430 --> 00:16:54,910 What's up? 366 00:16:54,950 --> 00:16:56,470 Nothing. 367 00:16:56,510 --> 00:16:57,790 Are you sure? 368 00:17:02,830 --> 00:17:04,230 It's just... 369 00:17:08,270 --> 00:17:10,950 ..I haven't been happy in a while... 370 00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:15,750 .. and this is good, you know? 371 00:17:15,790 --> 00:17:16,750 Hm. 372 00:17:26,990 --> 00:17:29,750 Can I... have your number? 373 00:17:33,750 --> 00:17:35,230 Yes! (GIGGLES) 374 00:17:52,470 --> 00:17:54,150 Where's our mark this morning? 375 00:17:54,190 --> 00:17:55,790 We're out on the road. 376 00:17:55,830 --> 00:17:57,910 Ooh... bien sur. 377 00:18:01,350 --> 00:18:09,070 Oh, hello, I'm Mr Monroe. Vote for me and keep things shitty. 378 00:18:09,110 --> 00:18:11,150 Ha-ha-ha-ha! 379 00:18:12,790 --> 00:18:14,830 PHONE KEYPAD BEEPING 380 00:18:23,390 --> 00:18:24,910 PHONE BEEPS 381 00:18:32,630 --> 00:18:36,230 Vote Waldo! Vote Waldo! 382 00:18:36,270 --> 00:18:39,430 Vote Waldo! Vote Waldo! 383 00:18:42,190 --> 00:18:43,750 'You're right. Strong Tory.' 384 00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:45,030 'I warned you.' 385 00:18:45,070 --> 00:18:48,630 You know you're on Monroe turf when they live so far apart. 386 00:18:48,670 --> 00:18:50,510 CAR HORN BEEPING 387 00:18:50,550 --> 00:18:52,030 I'm voting Waldo! 388 00:18:55,750 --> 00:18:58,150 I met Waldo last night. 389 00:18:58,190 --> 00:18:59,950 Jamie, the guy who plays him. 390 00:19:00,110 --> 00:19:01,070 He's fun. 391 00:19:01,110 --> 00:19:02,670 Fun? 392 00:19:02,710 --> 00:19:03,670 Mmm-hmm. 393 00:19:05,710 --> 00:19:08,270 Did you tell him anything about our campaign? 394 00:19:08,470 --> 00:19:09,830 Not really. 395 00:19:09,870 --> 00:19:11,470 Not really or no? 396 00:19:13,030 --> 00:19:14,230 Er, not really. 397 00:19:15,390 --> 00:19:16,550 Look, he's OK. 398 00:19:16,590 --> 00:19:17,750 He's a comedian - 399 00:19:17,790 --> 00:19:20,190 he's mocking Monroe now, it'll be you next. 400 00:19:22,270 --> 00:19:25,190 His act is all f-this and penis jokes. 401 00:19:25,230 --> 00:19:26,230 But... 402 00:19:26,270 --> 00:19:28,110 Don't see him again. 403 00:19:34,830 --> 00:19:37,790 OK. Job done till the husting tomorrow. 404 00:19:38,910 --> 00:19:41,910 Some media students doing a Question Time type thing. 405 00:19:41,950 --> 00:19:43,910 They've asked Waldo to join the panel. 406 00:19:43,950 --> 00:19:46,990 Oh, come on. It's my nightmare, going on Question Time. 407 00:19:47,030 --> 00:19:48,230 It's students, you'll walk it. 408 00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:50,110 I can't answer serious questions... 409 00:19:50,150 --> 00:19:53,230 No-one wants you to! You're the comic relief, lighten up. 410 00:20:04,950 --> 00:20:08,790 Erm, just have a look. I'm sure you'll find lots in there... 411 00:20:08,830 --> 00:20:11,270 PHONE RINGING 412 00:20:11,310 --> 00:20:16,550 Are there any particular issues that you're concerned about at all? 413 00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:18,390 TONE BEEPING 414 00:20:32,070 --> 00:20:33,270 Hey. 415 00:20:33,310 --> 00:20:34,310 Oh, hi. 416 00:20:34,350 --> 00:20:35,030 I thought we were going to...? 417 00:20:35,070 --> 00:20:36,510 Sorry - I've had a tough day... 418 00:20:36,550 --> 00:20:37,910 Right. Not even one? 419 00:20:37,950 --> 00:20:39,390 Sorry. 420 00:20:39,430 --> 00:20:40,950 Well, what about tomorrow? 421 00:20:42,430 --> 00:20:43,870 Look, I can't, when this is happening, I can't see you. 422 00:20:44,070 --> 00:20:44,990 What do you mean? 423 00:20:45,030 --> 00:20:46,230 I'm sorry. 424 00:21:03,790 --> 00:21:06,270 Do they think that looks like Question Time? 425 00:21:06,310 --> 00:21:08,310 Yeah. It looks politicsy. 426 00:21:09,870 --> 00:21:11,950 Check the host. 427 00:21:11,990 --> 00:21:13,070 Jailbait Dimbleby. 428 00:21:20,710 --> 00:21:24,430 When it comes to addiction and addicts, we should sympathise, 429 00:21:24,470 --> 00:21:26,590 but we shouldn't patronise. 430 00:21:26,630 --> 00:21:29,990 You know, serious drug use is a criminal offence, that is 431 00:21:30,030 --> 00:21:32,590 committed voluntarily and for pleasure... 432 00:21:32,630 --> 00:21:33,790 AUDIENCE MUTTERS MUTINOUSLY 433 00:21:33,830 --> 00:21:36,070 Look, I'm sorry, these are the facts. 434 00:21:36,110 --> 00:21:37,470 Waldo, what do you think? 435 00:21:37,510 --> 00:21:39,110 Mr Monroe, are you addicted? 436 00:21:39,150 --> 00:21:40,870 No. 437 00:21:40,910 --> 00:21:42,870 Sorry, I mean, are you a dickhead? 438 00:21:42,910 --> 00:21:44,030 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 439 00:21:45,590 --> 00:21:47,110 I think we have to ask ourselves... 440 00:21:47,150 --> 00:21:50,550 I think we have to ask ourselves, what is this for? 441 00:21:50,590 --> 00:21:54,470 And why do we waste our time with animated trivialities like him? 442 00:21:54,510 --> 00:21:56,230 AUDIENCE WHOOPING 443 00:21:56,270 --> 00:21:57,430 I mean why? 444 00:21:57,470 --> 00:21:58,470 Why? I mean why? 445 00:21:58,510 --> 00:22:00,470 (ON A LOOP) I mean why? I mean why? 446 00:22:00,510 --> 00:22:01,990 I mean why? I mean why? 447 00:22:02,030 --> 00:22:05,470 This is just the kind of thing... rather than see you laugh... 448 00:22:05,630 --> 00:22:07,030 They laugh at you, Limbo. 449 00:22:07,070 --> 00:22:09,510 You laugh, you're laughing at someone who won't engage. 450 00:22:09,550 --> 00:22:13,990 Who is scared to engage, who hides behind a children's cartoon. 451 00:22:14,030 --> 00:22:16,630 Who you calling a kiddy toon, fool? 452 00:22:16,670 --> 00:22:21,470 I'm... I'm... I'm speaking about James Salter. 453 00:22:21,510 --> 00:22:22,750 Hm? 454 00:22:24,430 --> 00:22:26,510 Don't worry about it. 455 00:22:26,550 --> 00:22:28,590 That's your name, isn't it? 456 00:22:28,630 --> 00:22:31,110 James Salter, this is the man who's behind all this. 457 00:22:31,150 --> 00:22:34,030 He's 33 years old, 458 00:22:34,070 --> 00:22:37,870 a man whose career can be summed up surprisingly quickly. 459 00:22:37,910 --> 00:22:39,390 You were in a sketch troupe 460 00:22:39,430 --> 00:22:41,790 that enjoyed minor success about six years ago, 461 00:22:41,830 --> 00:22:43,870 and the others moved on to better things, 462 00:22:43,910 --> 00:22:46,630 but your main achievement seems to have been playing 463 00:22:46,670 --> 00:22:48,310 the part of a corn on the cob 464 00:22:48,350 --> 00:22:51,430 in a high-interest personal loan commercial. 465 00:22:51,470 --> 00:22:52,750 LAUGHTER 466 00:22:52,790 --> 00:22:54,590 I notice you keep that pretty quiet. 467 00:22:54,630 --> 00:22:57,790 And now of course operating this sort of teddy bear thing. 468 00:22:57,830 --> 00:23:00,630 Which by the way is easier than it looks. Anyone could do it. 469 00:23:00,670 --> 00:23:07,110 See, this is... this is the thing. It's easy, what he does. 470 00:23:07,150 --> 00:23:08,590 He mocks. 471 00:23:08,630 --> 00:23:11,110 And when he can't think of an authentic joke, 472 00:23:11,150 --> 00:23:13,950 which is actually quite often, he just swears. 473 00:23:14,990 --> 00:23:19,070 I think that this puppet's inclusion on this panel debases the 474 00:23:19,110 --> 00:23:23,150 process of debate, and smothers any meaningful discussion of the issues. 475 00:23:23,190 --> 00:23:27,750 So I return to my original question, is that really what this is for? 476 00:23:27,790 --> 00:23:30,950 He has nothing to offer and he has nothing to say. 477 00:23:30,990 --> 00:23:33,590 Prove me wrong. Hm? 478 00:23:33,630 --> 00:23:35,710 Speak, Waldo. 479 00:23:35,750 --> 00:23:39,910 Please. Come on. Speak up. 480 00:23:43,110 --> 00:23:45,510 There you see, nothing. 481 00:23:45,550 --> 00:23:46,590 Oh, go fuck yourself. 482 00:23:46,630 --> 00:23:48,710 LAUGHTER 483 00:23:48,750 --> 00:23:50,470 It's more swearing. 484 00:23:50,510 --> 00:23:51,790 You're a joke. 485 00:23:51,830 --> 00:23:53,030 You look less human than I do 486 00:23:53,070 --> 00:23:55,190 and I'm a made-up bear with a turquoise cock. 487 00:23:55,230 --> 00:23:56,990 LAUGHTER 488 00:23:58,470 --> 00:24:02,510 What are you? You're just an old attitude with new hair. 489 00:24:02,550 --> 00:24:05,390 Assuming you're my superior because I'm not taking you seriously? 490 00:24:05,430 --> 00:24:07,750 No-one takes you seriously, that's why no-one votes. 491 00:24:07,790 --> 00:24:09,070 The vast majority do vote. 492 00:24:09,110 --> 00:24:09,950 It's bullshit. 493 00:24:09,990 --> 00:24:11,230 Surely this is enough? 494 00:24:11,270 --> 00:24:12,870 You think you deserve respect. 495 00:24:12,910 --> 00:24:13,950 Just common courtesy. 496 00:24:13,990 --> 00:24:15,390 Because you went to public school 497 00:24:15,430 --> 00:24:17,590 and believed you were entitled to everything. 498 00:24:17,630 --> 00:24:18,310 Perhaps we could get back... 499 00:24:18,350 --> 00:24:19,670 Ad hominem nonsense... 500 00:24:19,710 --> 00:24:20,830 Gwendolyn Harris... 501 00:24:20,870 --> 00:24:23,870 Something's got to change. No-one trusts you lot cos they know 502 00:24:23,910 --> 00:24:26,590 you don't give a shit about anything outside your bubble. 503 00:24:26,630 --> 00:24:29,310 What about your mate Gladwell, the kiddy-flasher? 504 00:24:29,350 --> 00:24:32,070 You knew him for 20 years, did you not know what he was like? 505 00:24:32,110 --> 00:24:33,310 No, of course not. 506 00:24:33,350 --> 00:24:37,590 Yeah, cos you're all just front, like him, sly and pretending, 507 00:24:37,630 --> 00:24:39,590 and in that way you're all the same. 508 00:24:39,630 --> 00:24:44,350 Gwendolyn Harris, is all of politics a waste of time? 509 00:24:44,390 --> 00:24:46,870 Well, of course I think no... 510 00:24:46,910 --> 00:24:49,910 Oh, shut up, you're worse! 511 00:24:49,950 --> 00:24:51,670 Seriously, she's faker than him. 512 00:24:51,710 --> 00:24:54,310 For once I agree with Liam Monroe in that this... 513 00:24:54,350 --> 00:24:54,750 Are you going to win? 514 00:24:54,790 --> 00:24:57,950 .. doesn't get us anywhere and there's no point in us continuing... 515 00:24:58,150 --> 00:24:59,430 Tell them why you're here. 516 00:24:59,470 --> 00:25:00,950 .. if we can't have anything resembling a deba... 517 00:25:00,990 --> 00:25:03,030 Tell them why you're here. 518 00:25:06,190 --> 00:25:08,310 She's here to build a showreel. 519 00:25:08,470 --> 00:25:10,870 I'm not kidding, that's literally it. 520 00:25:10,910 --> 00:25:13,070 Knows she's not going to win. This is all experience, 521 00:25:13,110 --> 00:25:14,350 to get on telly. 522 00:25:14,390 --> 00:25:16,990 She actually gives less of a shit about anyone round here than 523 00:25:17,030 --> 00:25:19,350 he does, because he'll actually have to represent you. 524 00:25:19,390 --> 00:25:20,590 Am I wrong? 525 00:25:20,630 --> 00:25:24,590 A career politician. Someone else less real than me, 526 00:25:24,630 --> 00:25:25,870 and I can do this. 527 00:25:25,910 --> 00:25:28,190 LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING 528 00:25:30,070 --> 00:25:31,950 Can I just make a couple of points? 529 00:25:31,990 --> 00:25:33,670 Oh, shut up, you pebble. 530 00:25:33,710 --> 00:25:36,350 What is this for? That's what you wanted to know, Mr Monroe. 531 00:25:36,390 --> 00:25:39,350 And the truth is, none of us know any more, thanks to you. 532 00:25:39,390 --> 00:25:42,590 What are you for? What are you for? 533 00:25:42,630 --> 00:25:44,350 Thank you and goodnight. 534 00:25:44,390 --> 00:25:45,670 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 535 00:26:32,550 --> 00:26:35,150 KNOCKING 536 00:26:35,190 --> 00:26:37,110 Jamie. 537 00:26:38,910 --> 00:26:40,070 Jamie? 538 00:26:41,710 --> 00:26:44,150 Jack's here. He wants to see us. 539 00:26:45,430 --> 00:26:46,510 You can't avoid it. 540 00:26:51,910 --> 00:26:55,110 Get dressed, he'll meet us outside. 541 00:27:09,550 --> 00:27:11,670 (TV) 'And yet accusations of vapidity aside, 542 00:27:11,710 --> 00:27:13,990 'it's clearly tapped a nerve. 543 00:27:14,030 --> 00:27:16,750 'in just three days, Waldo has gone viral. 544 00:27:16,790 --> 00:27:20,670 'The video of his clash has already been viewed over a million times 545 00:27:20,710 --> 00:27:23,990 'on YouTube. There are Facebook groups calling on Waldo 546 00:27:24,030 --> 00:27:26,790 'to form a national party.' 547 00:27:26,830 --> 00:27:28,510 'You're a joke. 548 00:27:28,550 --> 00:27:31,590 'You look less human than I do and I'm a made-up bear with 549 00:27:31,630 --> 00:27:33,790 'a turquoise (BLEEP) What are you? 550 00:27:33,950 --> 00:27:36,430 'You're just an old attitude with new hair. 551 00:27:36,470 --> 00:27:40,390 'Assuming you're my superior because I'm not taking you seriously. 552 00:27:40,430 --> 00:27:43,230 'No-one takes you (BLEEP) seriously.' 553 00:27:43,270 --> 00:27:44,630 MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY 554 00:27:51,430 --> 00:27:53,590 Oh, look, here he is the man of the moment! 555 00:27:53,630 --> 00:27:55,310 How does it feel to be a phenomenon? 556 00:27:55,350 --> 00:27:56,350 Shitifying. 557 00:27:57,910 --> 00:27:59,430 You are everywhere, my son. 558 00:27:59,470 --> 00:28:01,590 Twitter, the news... Have you seen the poll? 559 00:28:01,630 --> 00:28:03,790 You're in third place, mate. 560 00:28:03,830 --> 00:28:05,390 You overtook that Lib Dem prick... 561 00:28:05,430 --> 00:28:06,670 Yeah, well, he's a glass of water. 562 00:28:06,710 --> 00:28:08,030 This is an opportunity, Jamie. 563 00:28:08,070 --> 00:28:10,070 He knows my name now. 564 00:28:10,110 --> 00:28:11,870 We could really do something here. 565 00:28:11,910 --> 00:28:14,230 You know, everyone's pissed with the status quo. 566 00:28:14,270 --> 00:28:16,070 And Waldo gives that a voice. 567 00:28:16,110 --> 00:28:18,870 Waldo's a bear. A blue bear. 568 00:28:18,910 --> 00:28:20,430 Tell him, Tams. 569 00:28:20,470 --> 00:28:22,670 We've been asked on Consensus. 570 00:28:22,710 --> 00:28:26,110 It's a ten-minute one-to-one interview with Phillip Crane. 571 00:28:26,150 --> 00:28:27,230 Pitbull Crane? 572 00:28:27,270 --> 00:28:28,310 Big guns for big guns. 573 00:28:28,350 --> 00:28:31,590 Hello? I'm not a politician, OK? I don't want to be a politician. 574 00:28:31,630 --> 00:28:32,950 We know that you hate politics. 575 00:28:32,990 --> 00:28:35,510 I don't hate them, I'm just not interested in them. 576 00:28:35,550 --> 00:28:37,230 You don't need to be interested in them. 577 00:28:37,270 --> 00:28:38,550 You just need to be Waldo. 578 00:28:40,030 --> 00:28:42,550 And when Crane asks something tricky and I look stupid 579 00:28:42,590 --> 00:28:43,470 because I don't know how to answer? 580 00:28:43,510 --> 00:28:45,550 You'll know the answer. 581 00:28:45,590 --> 00:28:47,310 Because you have a producer. 582 00:28:47,350 --> 00:28:50,950 Look, I can tell you what to say. 583 00:28:50,990 --> 00:28:53,710 I can live Google any facts, give you stats, quotes, 584 00:28:53,750 --> 00:28:54,750 whatever else you need. 585 00:28:54,790 --> 00:28:57,150 So you've got a safety net for the concrete stuff 586 00:28:57,190 --> 00:28:59,550 and the rest is Waldo and you can do that in your sleep. 587 00:28:59,590 --> 00:29:01,590 You'll piss all over Crane. 588 00:29:01,630 --> 00:29:03,670 He'll know there's a team around me, he'll see it. 589 00:29:03,710 --> 00:29:06,270 Yeah good. I hope he does. I hope he points a camera at it. 590 00:29:06,310 --> 00:29:09,350 All the other MPs have got teams, we're just more honest about it. 591 00:29:09,390 --> 00:29:11,830 Now come on. What d'you say? Eh? 592 00:29:15,270 --> 00:29:16,630 Jamie! Jamie! 593 00:29:16,670 --> 00:29:17,990 Why would I want to do this? 594 00:29:18,030 --> 00:29:20,910 Look, the world is knackered and you can do something about it. 595 00:29:20,950 --> 00:29:22,390 I don't know what you're on about. 596 00:29:22,430 --> 00:29:25,310 Waldo has got the attention of the young, and the young don't 597 00:29:25,350 --> 00:29:28,350 give a shit about anything except trainers and pirating films. 598 00:29:28,390 --> 00:29:31,070 Do you have any other astounding theories about young people? 599 00:29:31,110 --> 00:29:34,710 Yeah, yeah I do actually. Look, they care about Waldo. 600 00:29:34,750 --> 00:29:36,030 They'll vote for Waldo. 601 00:29:36,070 --> 00:29:37,510 The video was a hit for a reason. 602 00:29:37,550 --> 00:29:39,830 The video's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed by it. 603 00:29:39,870 --> 00:29:41,750 I was lashing out. I wasn't even articulate - 604 00:29:41,790 --> 00:29:43,950 Doesn't matter. Or funny, which is almost worse. 605 00:29:43,990 --> 00:29:45,230 We can build on that. 606 00:29:45,270 --> 00:29:46,310 Waldo's not real. 607 00:29:46,350 --> 00:29:50,110 Exactly! That's what you said that really hit home. He's not real, 608 00:29:50,150 --> 00:29:51,670 but he's realer than all the others. 609 00:29:51,710 --> 00:29:53,390 He doesn't stand for anything. 610 00:29:53,430 --> 00:29:55,790 Yeah, well, at least he doesn't pretend to. 611 00:29:55,830 --> 00:29:58,310 Look we... we don't need politicians, 612 00:29:58,350 --> 00:30:01,150 we've all got iPhones and computers, right? 613 00:30:01,190 --> 00:30:04,710 So any decision that has to be made, any policy, we just put it online. 614 00:30:04,750 --> 00:30:08,470 Let the people vote thumbs up, thumbs down, the majority wins. 615 00:30:08,510 --> 00:30:11,350 That's a democracy. That's a... that's an actual democracy. 616 00:30:11,390 --> 00:30:14,350 So's YouTube and I don't know if you've seen it but the most 617 00:30:14,390 --> 00:30:18,390 popular video is a dog farting the theme tune to Happy Days. 618 00:30:20,510 --> 00:30:22,430 Well, today it's Waldo. 619 00:30:22,470 --> 00:30:24,990 No. It's still the dog. 620 00:30:25,030 --> 00:30:27,630 Listen, can you imagine all the things we can change 621 00:30:27,670 --> 00:30:29,670 if we fuck the politicians out the equation? 622 00:30:29,710 --> 00:30:32,150 I've said what I've said and now I'm shutting this door. 623 00:30:38,230 --> 00:30:40,230 Do you know who owns Waldo? 624 00:30:40,270 --> 00:30:41,430 I do, I own the rights. 625 00:30:44,030 --> 00:30:45,310 He's my character. 626 00:30:45,350 --> 00:30:46,910 Yeah, written for my show. 627 00:30:47,990 --> 00:30:52,670 You're too frightened to take to the next level. Fine. I understand. 628 00:30:52,710 --> 00:30:54,550 But also, fuck off! 629 00:30:54,590 --> 00:30:55,630 And watch me fly. 630 00:30:55,670 --> 00:30:57,950 You own Waldo, you can't be Waldo. 631 00:31:00,670 --> 00:31:04,150 (MIMICS WALDO) Eh, Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, what's 'appenin, eh? 632 00:31:06,390 --> 00:31:07,630 Pretty close, I'd say. 633 00:31:18,880 --> 00:31:20,840 What's happenin'? Ahh! 634 00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:24,680 Waldorific, yeah! Yeah! 635 00:31:24,720 --> 00:31:25,920 Why is it going off left again? 636 00:31:25,960 --> 00:31:26,760 Because the... 637 00:31:26,800 --> 00:31:27,720 I know! I've got my... 638 00:31:27,760 --> 00:31:29,000 Put your thumb in the white thing. 639 00:31:29,040 --> 00:31:30,960 I got that. In there? OK. 640 00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:32,600 That's not how that works. 641 00:31:41,600 --> 00:31:45,920 First tonight, a figure - or more accurately a character - 642 00:31:45,960 --> 00:31:49,640 who's been causing an upset in the Stentonford by-election. 643 00:31:49,680 --> 00:31:52,920 Unlike the other candidates, he has no party affiliation. 644 00:31:52,960 --> 00:31:54,760 He doesn't even have a surname. 645 00:31:54,800 --> 00:31:59,200 He is Waldo, a few weeks ago just a cult character in a comedy show. 646 00:31:59,240 --> 00:32:02,840 Today, an official mascot for protest voters. 647 00:32:02,880 --> 00:32:04,160 Vote Waldo. 648 00:32:04,200 --> 00:32:07,360 Cartoons don't play by the rules and Waldo's open disdain 649 00:32:07,400 --> 00:32:10,160 for his opponents has clearly struck a chord. 650 00:32:12,800 --> 00:32:15,480 Waldo, as a mascot for the disenfranchised, aren't you 651 00:32:15,520 --> 00:32:18,760 ultimately neutralizing seriously effective dissent? 652 00:32:19,960 --> 00:32:21,840 Can I have subtitles for Mr Crane, please? 653 00:32:21,880 --> 00:32:25,280 By encouraging people not to care, you're actively dangerous. 654 00:32:25,320 --> 00:32:27,280 Dangerous? You think the public can't be trusted? 655 00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:28,360 No. 656 00:32:28,400 --> 00:32:29,840 Isn't that basically you calling them twats? 657 00:32:29,880 --> 00:32:30,840 No, I... 658 00:32:30,880 --> 00:32:31,920 Bell-ends then? 659 00:32:31,960 --> 00:32:33,480 Did you come for a discussion or... 660 00:32:33,520 --> 00:32:36,720 You're snooty for a glorified Punch And Judy man, Phil. 661 00:32:36,760 --> 00:32:39,600 You know you're gonna get your best ratings in months cos I'm here. 662 00:32:39,640 --> 00:32:42,360 To even get close to the figures I'm gonna pull in for you tonight, 663 00:32:42,400 --> 00:32:45,200 you'd have to fuck a prawn sandwich live on air. 664 00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:46,840 Make a nice prawn cocktail. 665 00:32:46,880 --> 00:32:49,000 Could we make a serious political point that is... 666 00:32:49,040 --> 00:32:50,920 I've got one big blue point to make, fool. 667 00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:51,720 Would you like to have a look at it? 668 00:32:51,880 --> 00:32:52,760 Oh, God. Thank you. 669 00:32:52,800 --> 00:32:55,560 Great work tonight. Look at... Look at this, look at this. 670 00:32:55,600 --> 00:32:58,720 It's The Waldo polling app. Now, this can pinpoint you with GPS 671 00:32:58,760 --> 00:33:00,560 so that when you're at a polling station, 672 00:33:00,600 --> 00:33:02,240 it unlocks loads of free shit, look. 673 00:33:02,320 --> 00:33:03,560 Thanks for voting, dickhead! 674 00:33:03,600 --> 00:33:06,120 Thanks for voting, dickhead! 675 00:33:06,160 --> 00:33:07,280 It's good, isn't it? 676 00:33:07,320 --> 00:33:08,720 Who's this guy we're meeting? 677 00:33:08,760 --> 00:33:12,800 I dunno. But he's from Washington and he's got my restricted number. 678 00:33:16,040 --> 00:33:18,720 Jeff Carter, from the agency. 679 00:33:18,880 --> 00:33:19,360 Hey. Hey. 680 00:33:19,400 --> 00:33:20,640 And I'll leap right in. 681 00:33:20,680 --> 00:33:23,240 I think what you're doing with Waldo is fascinating. 682 00:33:23,280 --> 00:33:24,560 From "the agency"? 683 00:33:24,600 --> 00:33:28,200 Yeah, listen. Waldo may be the perfect political figurehead. 684 00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:29,720 Waldo The Bear. 685 00:33:29,760 --> 00:33:32,760 The bear, people like. The fact he's a bear is an assist. 686 00:33:32,800 --> 00:33:33,200 An assist? 687 00:33:33,240 --> 00:33:34,280 It helps. 688 00:33:34,320 --> 00:33:36,480 Right. You look at human politicians, 689 00:33:36,520 --> 00:33:39,360 you're instinctively like, "brrrr" - uncanny, right? 690 00:33:39,400 --> 00:33:40,560 Like the girls in porn. 691 00:33:40,600 --> 00:33:43,040 You know something's wrong, cos why else are they doing it? 692 00:33:43,080 --> 00:33:44,760 It's usually daddy issues, eh? 693 00:33:44,800 --> 00:33:47,040 Just like politics. Waldo bypasses that. 694 00:33:47,080 --> 00:33:49,560 You already know he's not real, so no personal flaws. 695 00:33:49,600 --> 00:33:51,000 I'm a person. 696 00:33:51,040 --> 00:33:52,920 With respect, Waldo's more than you. 697 00:33:52,960 --> 00:33:56,560 He's a team, and you're open about that, which is fantastic. 698 00:33:56,600 --> 00:33:58,520 The honesty thing works. 699 00:33:58,560 --> 00:34:02,760 Waldo is a construct people not just accept but embrace. 700 00:34:02,800 --> 00:34:04,720 At the moment he's anti-politics, 701 00:34:04,760 --> 00:34:07,760 which is a political stance itself, right? 702 00:34:07,800 --> 00:34:10,880 But he could deliver any brand of political content, 703 00:34:10,920 --> 00:34:13,560 minus the potential downsides of a human messenger. 704 00:34:13,600 --> 00:34:17,480 In a debate, your team could Google every word the other guy says, 705 00:34:17,520 --> 00:34:19,480 then let Waldo hit him with debunk stats 706 00:34:19,520 --> 00:34:22,640 and spit a Twitter-ready zinger into the next sentence. 707 00:34:22,680 --> 00:34:25,000 He's the perfect assassin. 708 00:34:25,040 --> 00:34:26,720 We won't win, though. 709 00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:32,400 You guys are so British. 710 00:34:32,440 --> 00:34:36,560 No, of course he won't win. You started out too coarse off the bat. 711 00:34:36,600 --> 00:34:39,760 There's no substantial basis to what you offer, and the whole 712 00:34:39,920 --> 00:34:44,200 nihilist "democracy sucks" thing, yeah, is kind of wack-a-doo, 713 00:34:44,240 --> 00:34:48,640 but with a targeted, hopeful message, which we can provide, 714 00:34:48,680 --> 00:34:51,840 energising the disenfranchised without spooking the middle 715 00:34:51,880 --> 00:34:56,280 via your new platform... You got a global political-entertainment 716 00:34:56,320 --> 00:34:58,840 product people actually want. 717 00:35:00,400 --> 00:35:02,200 You could roll this out worldwide. 718 00:35:02,240 --> 00:35:04,120 Like Pringles. 719 00:35:04,160 --> 00:35:05,520 Absolutely. 720 00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:13,920 It's, er... It's interesting stuff though. 721 00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:15,760 When you're done with Stentonford, 722 00:35:15,800 --> 00:35:18,360 there may be an opportunity in South America. 723 00:35:18,400 --> 00:35:20,000 Se puede hablar espanol? 724 00:35:20,040 --> 00:35:22,400 Vivi en Madrid tres anos. 725 00:35:22,440 --> 00:35:24,280 Excelente. 726 00:35:43,240 --> 00:35:44,480 What? 727 00:35:45,800 --> 00:35:47,280 He's not coming. 728 00:35:47,320 --> 00:35:49,920 But he's the party leader! 729 00:35:49,960 --> 00:35:51,040 It's too toxic. 730 00:35:54,840 --> 00:35:57,040 (TV) Meanwhile, as support for Gwendolyn Harris 731 00:35:57,080 --> 00:35:58,280 appears to be dwindling, 732 00:35:58,320 --> 00:36:02,200 Labour denies the party is losing faith in their young candidate. 733 00:36:02,240 --> 00:36:04,840 But Miss Harris spent most of the day locked in crisis talks 734 00:36:04,880 --> 00:36:06,120 at party headqu... 735 00:36:09,800 --> 00:36:14,080 In the Stentonford by-election, Waldo the cartoon bear continues... 736 00:36:15,320 --> 00:36:17,800 Did you see Gwendolyn Harris yesterday? 737 00:36:17,840 --> 00:36:19,880 She looks like she's been poisoned. 738 00:36:19,920 --> 00:36:22,280 Because he's gonna overtake her. 739 00:36:22,320 --> 00:36:23,640 We're still way ahead. 740 00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:27,000 If that thing is the main opposition then the whole system looks absurd. 741 00:36:29,680 --> 00:36:32,240 Which it may well be. 742 00:36:32,280 --> 00:36:33,680 But it built these roads. 743 00:36:39,800 --> 00:36:40,800 KNOCK AT DOOR 744 00:36:41,800 --> 00:36:43,640 Just come in, Roy. 745 00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:51,640 I'm sorry, OK? 746 00:36:53,160 --> 00:36:55,560 It was wrong to speak to you like that and... 747 00:36:55,600 --> 00:36:58,000 After the campaign, I would've called you. 748 00:36:59,280 --> 00:37:01,280 After the campaign! 749 00:37:01,320 --> 00:37:03,440 All you've done is strengthen Monroe. 750 00:37:04,440 --> 00:37:08,200 You won't win either, but I was at least attempting to represent... 751 00:37:08,240 --> 00:37:11,200 Well I don't know! Not just "bollocks to everything". 752 00:37:11,240 --> 00:37:13,880 If you were preaching revolution, well that'd be something, 753 00:37:13,920 --> 00:37:16,960 but you're not because that would require courage and a mindset. 754 00:37:18,240 --> 00:37:19,600 And what have you got? 755 00:37:21,160 --> 00:37:22,360 Who are you? 756 00:37:23,800 --> 00:37:25,400 What are you for? 757 00:37:32,560 --> 00:37:33,640 Morning. 758 00:37:43,600 --> 00:37:45,400 So, final push. 759 00:37:45,440 --> 00:37:47,080 You remind everyone that's got the app 760 00:37:47,120 --> 00:37:50,840 that if they recommend it to a friend it unlocks a little fez for Waldo. 761 00:37:50,880 --> 00:37:51,960 We're here. 762 00:37:54,880 --> 00:37:57,120 Attention, shoppers. 763 00:37:57,160 --> 00:38:00,560 I'm here to ask you an important favour. Gather round. 764 00:38:00,600 --> 00:38:02,720 Come over here and listen. 765 00:38:05,240 --> 00:38:08,360 Don't vote for me. I'm an insult. 766 00:38:08,400 --> 00:38:09,920 Seriously. 767 00:38:09,960 --> 00:38:12,920 Vote for Monroe or Harris or, I dunno, UKIP: 768 00:38:12,960 --> 00:38:14,760 or even that Lib Dem guy. 769 00:38:14,800 --> 00:38:16,400 He's a prick! 770 00:38:16,440 --> 00:38:20,040 Seriously, only an arsehole would actually vote for me. 771 00:38:20,200 --> 00:38:21,200 What is this? Irony? 772 00:38:21,240 --> 00:38:22,920 I'm worse than a wasted vote. 773 00:38:22,960 --> 00:38:24,680 He's from the Harris campaign. 774 00:38:24,720 --> 00:38:26,920 I mean it, you idiots! Don't vote for me! 775 00:38:26,960 --> 00:38:29,120 Don't vote for me! Don't vote for me! 776 00:38:29,160 --> 00:38:31,040 Don't vote for me! 777 00:38:31,080 --> 00:38:32,800 Don't vmmmf! 778 00:38:35,160 --> 00:38:36,280 Shut up. 779 00:38:36,320 --> 00:38:38,200 No. Don't boo him, he's right! He's right! 780 00:38:38,240 --> 00:38:39,400 What are you doing? 781 00:38:39,440 --> 00:38:39,840 Resigning. 782 00:38:39,880 --> 00:38:41,080 Jamie! 783 00:38:42,520 --> 00:38:44,280 Look! It's me, I'm Waldo. 784 00:38:44,320 --> 00:38:47,480 This guy, whoever this guy is, he's a hero. 785 00:38:47,520 --> 00:38:49,840 You should throw stuff at Waldo, he's bad bloody news. 786 00:38:49,880 --> 00:38:50,040 He's funny! 787 00:38:50,080 --> 00:38:51,200 He's not. 788 00:38:51,360 --> 00:38:53,760 Don't listen to that man, he's a lesbian. Ahh! 789 00:38:53,800 --> 00:38:57,400 So remember, the polls are open, and if you've got my app, you can 790 00:38:57,440 --> 00:39:00,760 unlock new stuff like catchphrases and a little hat 'n' that. 791 00:39:00,800 --> 00:39:05,120 Only an idiot wouldn't vote for me so question the status quo! 792 00:39:05,160 --> 00:39:06,400 Kill it! Kill it! 793 00:39:06,440 --> 00:39:08,280 Kick them where it hurts. 794 00:39:08,320 --> 00:39:10,920 The first man to hit him gets 500 quid! 795 00:39:10,960 --> 00:39:14,400 Yeah, that's right. Knock him down. Knock him down. 796 00:39:14,440 --> 00:39:15,840 Smash it! 797 00:39:15,880 --> 00:39:18,000 Yeah! Yeah! 798 00:39:18,040 --> 00:39:22,360 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah... 799 00:39:31,680 --> 00:39:33,040 (TV) I, the undersigned, 800 00:39:33,080 --> 00:39:35,160 being the returning officer for the Stentonford 801 00:39:35,200 --> 00:39:38,680 and Hersham constituency, hereby give notice that the total number 802 00:39:38,720 --> 00:39:42,160 of votes recorded for each candidate at the election is as follows. 803 00:39:43,520 --> 00:39:47,120 Finch, Simon Arthur. Liberal Democrats. 804 00:39:47,160 --> 00:39:49,280 2,449. 805 00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:52,480 APPLAUSE 806 00:39:52,520 --> 00:39:55,920 Harris, Gwendolyn Jodie. Labour. 807 00:39:55,960 --> 00:39:58,200 11,237. 808 00:39:58,240 --> 00:40:01,760 APPLAUSE AND BOOING 809 00:40:01,800 --> 00:40:06,240 Monroe, Liam George Tennyson. Conservative. 810 00:40:06,280 --> 00:40:08,520 19,161. 811 00:40:08,560 --> 00:40:11,800 JEERING 812 00:40:15,240 --> 00:40:17,280 Waldo, Independent. 813 00:40:20,840 --> 00:40:23,200 16,784. 814 00:40:23,240 --> 00:40:27,080 BOOING AND SHOUTING 815 00:40:27,120 --> 00:40:31,200 Ladies... Ladies and gentlemen, please! I declare that Liam Monroe 816 00:40:31,240 --> 00:40:33,920 is duly elected member of Parliament for the constituency. 817 00:40:33,960 --> 00:40:36,200 BOOING 818 00:40:36,240 --> 00:40:38,560 Hey, hey! Everyone! 819 00:40:38,600 --> 00:40:41,080 500 quid to anyone who can lob a shoe! 820 00:41:11,520 --> 00:41:13,760 Up you get, come on. 821 00:41:13,800 --> 00:41:15,080 Come on! 822 00:41:17,360 --> 00:41:20,640 MECHANICAL WHIRRING 823 00:41:23,960 --> 00:41:25,640 Come on. Out you go. 824 00:41:57,440 --> 00:42:01,720 AUDIO IN MANDARIN 825 00:42:21,000 --> 00:42:22,040 GLASS SMASHES 826 00:42:22,080 --> 00:42:23,480 Oi! 827 00:42:24,800 --> 00:42:26,000 Agh! 828 00:42:42,680 --> 00:42:45,720 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd