If you were to grow up in the best of all places...
It would be our Little Italy.
- We had the perfect childhood. - Well, maybe some would say
we weren't so perfect.
- Him, for instance. - Yeah, definitely him.
Ready, set, go!
God, we were such little shits, weren't we?
Poor Mr. Ganucci.
Let's go.
- Whoo-hoo! - Let's go, Leo!
He's gonna get us!
See you, Mr. Ganucci!
I'm gonna feed you to the worms!
To us, Little Italy wasn'tjust a few city blocks.
Hi, Mr. Patelli.
- Hey, kids. - Hey, Mario.
It was our entire world. We knew everyone.
And everyone knew us.
Nikki, even back then, you had a reputation.
- What? - As being super competitive.
- Excuse me! - I mean, you always wanted to beat me.
- Show me what you got. - I did beat you.
- When I let you. - Seriously?
- See? I won. - Won what? A concussion?
Are you okay?
I love that I can beat you, stupido.
Yeah, yeah. I know you do, stupida.
Come on.
- Wanna race me now? - Ha!
Hey! Hey!
So, being Italian is about three things.
- Tradition... - Passion...
And pride.
And we were raised on all of it.
- Leo, do you wanna dance with me? - Not in a million years.
After a week of great food and festivities,
tomorrow for the first time ever,
we're gonna announce the winner of Little Italy's Best Pizza!
- That's right! - By our two celebrity judges...
Us!
So, venite tutti. Come on down, everyone!
Join in!
And here it is,
Little Italy's pride and joy...
- Pizza Napoli. - Slow down!
Where our families made the best pizza in the world.
Look out!
It was always full of love and chaos.
But delicious chaos.
Okay! I got one large pepperoni, two regular slice...
Our fathers were best friends.
Uh... sometimes.
How we doin', Ma?
See the good-looking guy there tasting the sauce?
That's my pa, Salvatore Angioli.
The maestro of marinara.
And the guy spinning? My pa, Vincenzo Campoli.
- The don of dough. - Really? The don?
- That is such a stereotype. - No, no. It's poetic.
Hey, Vince! How do you get your crust to be so thin and crispy?
Well, Mikey, that's a family secret.
And the secret is... Two teaspoons of nunya!
Nunya? What's nunya?
It's nunya business, Mikey!
Hey, Mikey, what about my mother's special sauce, huh?
Mama Angi, what's your secret?
Every time I make the sauce, I say three Hail Mary.
- I love that woman. - See?
From God above this sauce comes.
Mangiare, everybody! Mangiare!
You have hungry customers and pizza to make!
- Let these people wait a little. - Yeah, save that for later.
- All right? - Not in front of the kids.
How do you think the kids got here?
Well, I know that, but they don't know that.
My parents...
Every day, they danced to "Al di la." And so did they.
That's enough.
Were you playing in a pigsty?
- I won. - I let her.
- Did not. - Did, too.
Go get cleaned.
My daughter's a champion goalie!
And her father won't stop bragging about it.
- Ah, shut up. - Nah, you shut up.
Hey, Leo. Leo.
Go see Nonno make the dough.
- Leo, I got a call from Mr. Ganucci. - It was Nikki.
- Why did he say that? - Leo, wash your hands.
Okay, Nonno.
Don't skimp on the cheese. Don't skimp!
Take a shot.
Gently. Gentle.
The thing is you gotta treat it like it's a beautiful lady.
My grandfather, my nonno, he's all charm.
- Someday, you're gonna thank me for that. - Too bad he didn't pass it along.
Nicoletta, squeeze the love out of every tomato
like it was the last... No! Too... too... too hard.
Too hard. You can't force love.
Never squeeze the love out of a man's heart.
If he don't give it freely,
you don't want it.
Nonna knows.
What does "al di la" mean?
Beyond everything...
there's you.
God! I was so moony over you!
- What was wrong with me? - What can I say? I'm irresistible.
- I won! - I won.
- Unbelievable. - Come on.
Thank you.
Come on, pal. I'll buy you a beer at Luigi's.
Oh, no. No, Sal. Tomorrow. The contest is tomorrow.
What are you worried about? My sauce, your crust!
We're unbeatable!
Our husbands, huh?
- Like an old married couple. - Which one wears the pants?
- We do. - I heard that.
I'm going to church to light a candle for the boys.
Thank you, Ma.
- A winning candle. - May I join you, signora?
- Si. - Grazie.
Life was perfect.
And our families were inseparable.
I mean, how could a bond this strong ever be broken?
I have no idea!
But... that was then.
And this is now.
I went away.
- Yeah, more like ran away. - From you.
- Hey, wait a minute! - Okay, we'll get to that later.
Actually, I went to learn how to cook,
like, four Michelin stars cook, from the Chef Corrine.
Picture Gordon Ramsay but prettier.
The only thing sharper than your knives are your senses.
Anything less than perfection is what?
- Failure, Chef. - And scarier.
Limp...
like my last husband.
Oil is a garnish.
You've used so much, the US Army will invade the plate.
You are a what?
- Moron sandwich. - No, I can't hear you.
Moron sandwich!
Pathetic.
Nicole. Gareth.
Collect your things and see me in my office.
The rest of you, class is dismissed.
I expect everything to be spotless in the morning.
Yes, Chef.
This'll be quick. I'll get right to the point.
I think you're both done here now.
- No, I can do better, Chef. - No, Chef! Please.
- Please. - Oh, stop whining, you ninnies!
I'm opening up a new place in Mayfair.
Something millennial-friendly.
Trendy, fast and very expensive.
Well, that's the perfect complement to your brand, Chef.
Fast, casual. It's brilliant, chef.
Enough with the ass kissing!
I know you both would kill to work there, so...
I'm planning on hiring...
one of you.
You'll each have two weeks
in which to come up with a completely new menu.
Wow me,
then you and your winning menu will be the toast of Mayfair.
Don't just stand there looking gobsmacked.
- You won't be disappointed, Chef. - Thank you.
Oh, Nicole.
If you want the job, you're going to have to have your visa changed
- from student to work at once. - Yes, Chef.
That means you're going to have to go back to Canada.
- I have to go home? - I know. I feel your pain,
but it'll only be for a week or two.
Oh, don't forget to pack your mukluks or whatnot.
Probably the last place I wanted to go back to was...
Little Italy.
Our Little Italy.
- Hey, Carlo. - Hey! Ciao, ciao!
All right. You ready?
In the net! There it is.
All right, guys, I gotta take off.
I'll see you next week.
- Where nothing changes. - Hey. Bruno.
What's up, man? Looks good this year.
And yet, everything is different.
You see, our fathers, they had a fight.
A fight? It was more like a war.
Yeah, a pizza war.
- My dad moved his shop. - All the way next door.
And since then,
our families haven't exactly been on speaking terms.
Technically. They still swear at each other
- with occasional hand gestures. - Hey, Leo.
Hey there. You know, we deliver.
I bet he does.
Disgrazia!
Again?
Hey!
Seriously?
And it all started the day that they won the best pizza contest.
And why they fought, they've never said.
Pop swears he'll take it to the grave.
Mine, too.
Hey!
Hey.
Leo.
Hey, how come the only thing my son's good at is being late?
Miss Rossini asked me to help her move some furniture.
The bed or the couch?
Or perhaps the kitchen table?
Jogi!
That is not our trash.
You take that trash and you throw it in the dumpster of...
- He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named. - You got it, Boss.
Guy over there wants a pizza Margherita with no sauce.
No sauce? Why? What's wrong with my sauce?
Nothing. That's what he wants.
Hey! Yo! Yeah, you! Four eyes!
Why don't you take your one good eye and go next door,
look for the naked pizza over there?
Go to that bottega, see what he gives ya!
His sauce is no good anyway, you pervert!
You want naked pizza? Get outta here! Go on! Get outta here!
We're going broke, and you're yelling at the customer?
You gotta get on with the times, Pa.
I mean, people today, they want some variety.
Health-conscious toppings or paper-thin, you know, square slices.
There's just so much that we can do!
Are you hearing this?
Your grandson, he wants to make square pizza for hippies.
Hippies are back? I liked them.
Those girls...
They burn bras.
No, not hippies. Hipsters, Nonno.
Millennials.
And you know what else wouldn't hurt?
If we got online, and like, did an app or something.
I mean, we gotta get business flowing in here again
like, you know, back in the good old days when you and Sal...
Hey!
My vangina! You said his name!
Angina, and your heart is on this side.
Nobody tells me where my heart is.
Excuse me, will my pizza be long?
No, no. Your pizza will be round,
covered with sauce and cheese on it.
Welcome to Vince's!
Come for the pizza,
stay for the abuse.
I'm taking a walk.
I'll join you. I'm going to Sal's.
Hey, hey! Leo, Leo!
You gotta stay late tonight 'cause the place needs a cleanup.
No, I can't, Pa. I gotta work my shift at Luigi's.
You ought to be working here, not tending bar over in that dive
for that Luigi character. He's no Neapolitan.
Let's face it, Pa. You can't pay me enough,
and this way, I get free rent. It's a win-win.
Honey, you can come back home any time you like.
You just make sure that those puttanellis don't climb through the window.
You know why? 'Cause God made you too gorgeous.
I love you. I'll see you, Pa.
Where's that mouth been?
That's your son.
My vangina.
I don't know, Jogi. You really think you're ready for this?
Oh, yes, sir! I am ready, Mr. Leo.
I would give my left testicle to deliver pizza Leo-style.
All right. I gotta warn you, though.
The ladies at this address...
- they're wild, okay? - Oh!
So just promise me you'll be careful, yeah?
- Yeah. - All right, here. Take it.
Thank you, Mr. Leo!
Knock yourself out, yeah?
Oh, I will be knocking...
Hard.
Jogi!
Next time I see you on Sal's territory,
I'll squash you like a malaria mosquito in Mumbai.
They say Karma is a real bitch.
Are the two of you related?
- Jessie, are you out? - Coming, boss!
Just taking out the trash.
Don't forget the trash that comes out of that mouth of yours!
Get out!
Take out the trash.
Oof. Jessie, why does today's sauce smell like cat puke?
Curry powder.
- Oh! - Jogi! Son of a bitch.
That monster messed with my mother's sauce.
- We will get them, Boss. - Okay.
- What? - All right.
You don't seem too upset,
which must mean you have worse planned.
Honey, let's just say tomorrow is gonna be a high holiday.
Here's a fresh batch.
- Mama! - Dio mio, this is heavy!
This is heavy.
Your voice is no gift.
You work too hard.
Oh, but what, you think the sauce make itself?
Come on. Come with me. I want you to rest.
No, I'll rest when I'm dead.
Oh! Speaking of dead, this is our dinner crowd!
It's been a slow day, Ma.
My bowels are slow. This is dead.
I'm going to church for some excitement.
Okay, listen, while you're there, why don't you pray
that the place next door goes up in smoke?
Coglione! Your evil will end!
Sal's Pizza. It's better.
What?
You're kiddin' me! Oh, my God!
- What? What? - Oh!
What?
Oh! Okay! It's Nikki!
- What? Nikki? Nikki! Nik... - No, she hung up!
Nikki is coming home tomorrow.
Hey! Nikki!
Nikki's comin' home!
- Now, you listen to me. - What?
My baby girl is comin' home for the first time in five years.
- If you ruin it with your farkakte feud... - Oh, there it is! There it is.
What?
What, my "farkakte feud"!
- It's my fault she left. - I'm not saying it's your f...
- You just said it's my fault! - I did not say it's your fault!
- You... - I don't wanna hear it!
Get it while it's hot!
Yoo-hoo!
Ladies, please!
One at a time!
- Nikki? Oh, my God! - Gina!
- Oh, my God, it's you! Oh! - Hi!
Oh, my God! My girl's back!
Look at you!
You're all gorgeous!
Okay. Where's the rest of your luggage?
Oh, my God. You're not staying. Your family's gonna disown you.
They haven't seen you in, like, five years!
I know. I haven't told them yet.
They think I'm arriving tomorrow. I just...
I need a drink before I have that conversation.
You need about 20.
And since Joe's got the kids, we've got the whole night.
- Luigi's? Really? - Like the good old days!
Oh! Look at what the cat dragged in.
Wait till Luigi sees you.
Oh, this bambolina made me an offer I couldn't refuse.
- So what's Luigi do? - Hey, Luigi!
Luigi takes care of business. Ciao, bella!
Nicoletta!
Oh, my God!
You look so, uh...
- Different? - I was gonna say hot.
Hey!
Bentornato!
In honor of your return.
- Salut! - Saluti!
Okay. Give me gossip.
Royal frickin' dirt. British Vogue.
- What do you wanna know? - You were seeing an investment banker.
So?
He had a...
sizeable portfolio, but not a clue how to manage it.
I would've shown him how to invest.
I bet Englishmen can get you to do the filthiest stuff with that accent.
You'd be surprised how quickly that novelty wears off.
I hear they're big on oral.
Oh... yeah.
All talk and nothing else.
That's just like Italian men.
Speaking of which...
One, two. Just like that. Then you'll hit it.
Oh, my God. What is he doing here?
He works here. You didn't know that?
- You planned this. - Of course I did!
Remind me to kill you later.
Here he comes.
- Oh! Gina. - Yo, Leo.
- How you doing, Teresa? - Pretty good.
So, you guys gonna introduce me to your friend here?
You from these parts?
Do I look like I'm from these parts?
No, actually...
You look sober.
- Can I get you a drink? - You can get me one.
Or six.
They still do battle here?
Uh, yeah. Every Monday night.
Best show in town, huh?
- I see your dad's ahead. - Of course.
Here we go.
Stupida.
Saluti!
Playing it safe?
I'm not playing anything.
I forgot. You hate to lose.
So, tell me...
Still living with your parents?
Oh, no. He lives upstairs with me.
Paesano bachelor pad style, right?
So who's kicking your ass at soccer these days?
- Ooh. - Come on. Please.
I'm undefeated.
Only because I left town.
One second.
Oh!
Shall we take this outside?
Oh, come on! You can't be serious.
Uh... I don't know. He looks pretty serious to me.
He looks pretty serious.
- I... I'm in heels. - Do it!
- And it's raining! - Nikki!
What's the matter? You... afraid you might get...
wet?
I am. Oh, shit. Oh, my God.
Did I just say that out loud? Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
I mean...
- it's gonna be embarrassing... - Yes!
...for you.
Andiamo!
To the field!
Nikki versus Leo, the rematch!
It's gonna get messy, people!
Okay, listen up. Okay.
Nikki blocks a shot,
Leo does a shot! Hey!
Leo scores,
Nikki does a shot. Hey!
You do realize that I coach the neighborhood soccer team now?
That's a shame for those kids.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on, Nikki!
Oh! Oh!
How'd you stop that?
- For you. - Drink up!
Come on, pizza boy!
Shit!
Oh!
Shot for Nikki!
Joey Junior has diarrhea. I have to go. I'm so sorry.
- Okay, okay. - I gotta go. All right.
What's wrong with my kids?
- I wasn't ready! - What kind of excuse is that?
- You gotta be ready! - Oh, come on!
I scored!
Okay. Whoa.
Come on. Okay. Come on, guys.
Oh, come on! Where is everybody going?
I can't do this anymore. You two settle it on your own, okay?
Just you and me now.
All right, I'm calling the top left.
I win again!
Yeah, I let you.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
- You sure? - Yeah.
Oh!
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no! - Buongiorno, bella Nikki!
You were amazing last night.
- Luigi? - You're so talented, you know?
Hashtag skills, huh?
No. No. No, no. no. no. Good God, no!
No, no, no, no. Come on.
I just needed a clean pair of junk trunks, huh?
Good morning.
Hi.
Hangover?
No, just jet lag.
Yeah, me, too.
So...
we should probably talk about...
last night.
Uh-huh.
And what happened...
It was one for the books, Nikki.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, you were saying that a lot last night.
No, no, no, no, no. Oh, my God. No. No.
I'm gonna be in so much trouble. My dad is gonna kill me.
- I mean, I... - Yeah, I think he's gonna shoot me first.
I slept with Vince's son!
I'm... I'm joining a convent.
After last night, they're not gonna let you in.
Oh, my God!
Relax. Hey, relax, stupida.
- Nothing happened. - Nothing?
Nah, you passed out.
- Oh, my God! Thank you! - I gave you my room to sleep it off
and I took the couch.
Well, who took off my dress?
Hey, listen, you had that on when I left you.
What you did with it after, that's... none of my business.
Uh, have you seen my necklace?
You left it.
On my lap.
What?
I... I don't wanna know.
Thank you.
- What? - You're very, uh...
How'd you get to be so very?
Kale.
Ever heard of it, pizza boy?
Kale, kale, kale, kale. I...
- Where's your bathroom? - Sounds vaguely familiar.
Let me think. Uh... it's a superfood.
Part of the wild cabbage family.
It's rich with antioxidants and calcium.
So, look, my folks think I'm arriving today.
So, if I see you later...
I'll look surprised.
Can you believe this?
More dough, Carlo!
It's about time we got some life back in this place!
- Like old times. - Okay, ladies!
Go, Jogi, go! Jai ho, Slumdog!
How I regret giving you that DVD for Christmas!
Sausage and peppers, two large.
Hey, that was my nickname in the army!
Whoa, whoa.
Hey.
This place is really hopping!
- No thanks to you. - Oh, come on, Pa!
It's a beautiful day. Enjoy it, would you?
Hey, Jogi, you got that order ready for the police department?
- Like every Sunday. - Good man.
Oh, Leo!
Guys, I'll be right with you.
Here you go, folks.
- Enjoy! - Hey, hey!
Amalia!
- Hi. - Hi.
It looks like you've got a good crowd today.
Nah, I guess we got lucky.
Between you and me, our pizza today is delicious.
Well, our side is so dead, Sal and I could have sex on the table
and no one would even notice.
But you know what? None of that matters.
- Why? - My Nikki's comin' home today!
- What? - I know! I know!
- That is fabulous! - I'm so happy!
Keep your pants on, would you?
Come on, already!
Now, we just have to find her a husband so she'll stay.
- Sure. - Right?
Oh!
- Honey, let's go! - What? I'm comin'.
If their mid-life crises don't kill them...
- We will. - All right.
- How's your father-in-law? - He's horny as a teenager on prom night.
Your mother-in-law?
Oh, prudish as a nun during lent.
- Hey! - Hey!
- Hi. - Nicoletta!
La bella!
And already dressed for my funeral!
Nonna, you're not going anywhere. Don't say that.
My next address is a tombstone.
- Oh! You still wear it. - Yeah.
Saint Antonio...
patron saint of wayward children.
I knew he'd bring you home!
Oh, bella, bella, bella!
Salvatore!
- Nicoletta nella casa! - Honey! Honey, she's home!
Oh, my beautiful girl!
Oh, look! Look, I hardly recognize you!
Well, you would if you learned to FaceTime.
Hey, is that what the boys show their cazzo on?
- Hi, Mama. - Hug me!
My baby. My baby! Oh! You're so thin!
- What happened to her ass? - I don't know!
- No one trusts a skinny cook, baby! - She'll get you another one.
- Eat, baby. Eat! - Oh, yeah.
- Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm okay. - Just a little bite.
- You just got home! - A little bite! Little bite!
You miss your father's pizza, don't you? Come on. Get in there.
- Just a little bite. Yes! - Get in there. There's my girl!
So... How's it taste?
- Just like home. - Oh, that's it!
- That's wonderful! - Come here.
Oh, listen, I made a list of all the single men
still in the area, okay? We'll go through it later.
I am so sorry, Mario. My little girl, she just came home!
Congratulations, Sal. Welcome home, Nikki.
Hi, Mr. Puzzo.
Hey, Sal, you gotta fix the electrical on this place.
- I know. - Vince told me to tell you.
Vince?
You spoke to that gelatinous mass?
Here we go.
Take it.
To go.
Get out!
- Are you serious, Sal? - Out!
Disgrazia!
Sal!
What?
He slept with the enemy.
- Really? - This is why their side is always crowded
and ours is empty!
- Che fanno, una festa? - It does sound like a party.
Really?
Party indeed.
What did you do?
Nothing!
I didn't do nothing as far as you know.
Don't just stand there!
I got pizza cookin'.
Oh, fuck!
Jogi, do something!
I'm on it, Boss!
Get down from there, madam!
Take me on your magic carpet ride, Aladdin.
First, let me show you my Indian rope trick.
Oh, yeah, baby!
Oh, madam, I must warn you,
my rope is very knotty!
Get it? Naughty!
Oh, I want to make cookies and cream babies with her!
Jogi, what the hell are you doing?
Customer service, boss!
Pa?
They call me the maniac from Mumbai!
- What'd you put in the pizza today? - Dude.
Always the same, the best.
- That's not oregano. - Huh?
My vangina!
Do you think the cops liked their weed pizza?
Jogi, Jogi, Jogi!
Jogi's hotter than the pizza here, baby!
We had no idea! This was sabotage.
Sabotage!
Yeah, right! Spiking our pizzas with reefer.
- Bye-bye! - It was you, Sal!
I'll get you for this, you strunz!
Hey! Peddling ganja from the Ganges?
What will your mummy say?
I would insult your mother,
but cows are sacred in India!
Hey, you'll never be the man that your mother is!
Oh! Thou must go! Bye-bye!
Look, Officer, this is all a big mistake.
- This is all just... - Hands against the wall.
Shut up and spread 'em.
I said spread 'em! You need an invitation to the prom
- to get cozy? - Okay, okay, okay.
Hey! Bring those down to the station.
We're gonna eat them later. As evidence!
Eyes on the wall, captain.
Oh, my God. That is...
You're carting guns, mister. You didn't declare
that you had two amazing man guns.
- You hiding anything else? - Listen...
Oh, what have you got here?
A six-pack? Oh, no, I'm sorry. That's eight.
- I'm gonna go south now, okay? - Hey, now...
- You packing heat here, mister? - Hands off!
My God! Were you breastfed?
Is there anything in your pockets that might be sharp or hard
or pokey in any way?
- What? - Eyes on the wall!
I'm gonna just check to see if you...
Oh, my God... if you smell like pot or anything.
Hey, all right, listen. You're clean, buddy.
You're clean.
Or are you dirty? I don't know. I don't know.
But I've got my eyes on you.
Let's go!
Whoa!
The issue of your loins did this!
That's right, you heard her!
Ma!
Welcome home, Nikki.
He deserved everything he got... Again with hitting!
Don't look at him, Nikki. Okay, folks. Who's got the munchies?
Right this way, please.
All right, folks. The show's over, okay?
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned in thought, in word and in deed.
A triple threat.
You tell me your sins, and I'll tell you mine.
Our sin is we'll go to hell for meeting like this.
And our sons! I think they're onto us!
I love you when you get so passionate.
You watch it! The church has eyes.
- But not as beautiful as yours! - No!
Now, give me a taste of that special sauce.
- Jesus! - No! Father Toscani.
- Franca? - Oh, Gesu! Perdonami!
Perdonami!
Forgive me, Father!
Oh, we're so busted!
Thank you.
- Hi. - Hi.
Nice bag.
Nice...
- Ball. - Oh.
Hey, Lisa.
Hey, baby.
Oh, Nikki.
Aren't you gonna introduce me to your little friend here?
Yeah, of course.
Lisa, meet Nikki,
my... my best friend
since, you know, we were like...
well, forever.
Well, that's about as much chitchat as I can handle for today.
I need a drink.
Don't keep me waiting.
Bad timing?
- I just... I just came by to say sorry... - No, no...
...about my dad and the whole arrest thing.
Come on. A misdemeanor for pot possession?
Please. My dad had your dad investigated for tax evasion.
And the year before that,
your dad tried to have Jogi deported, so...
When did all of this go from crazy to bat-shit insane?
You know what?
We've never apologized for their stupidity before, so,
let's not start now, okay?
You're right. Thanks.
Leo...
You know, I'd love to, uh,
finish what we started the other night but...
Yeah, no, it's fine. I... I'm...
I'm around, you know. Plenty of time to fool around.
I mean, you know what I mean, just hang out or something.
- Yeah, right, okay, well... - Hello?
Final boarding call?
It's not what you...
Hey, wait! Listen.
You wanna have dinner tomorrow night?
You wanna come here, like, around 8:00?
I'll cook.
Really? I mean yeah, sure.
Best friends gotta eat, right?
Cool.
Oh, okay.
- Okay. - Sorry.
Bye!
See ya!
Vince Campoli from Vince's "The Best" Pizza
hit a new low by getting his customers high.
All right! Andiamo! Okay.
Remember, the first one to stand up is the loser.
All bets must be placed before the fight is entered.
I got ten bucks on Sal! He's an A-hole! Who's in?
Hey, I'll take that bet!
Okay, they're coming!
Everyone step back. Step back. Give them room.
...but this does not bode well for the Campolis.
- Buonasera, Luigi! - Hey, hey!
These are dark days.
Drugs, arrests.
It's an infamia!
You know, this used to be a nice place to live.
Now, the riffraff is here. No good.
- How you doin' tonight, Vince? - Not bad.
Some imbecille tried to smoke me out of business yesterday.
- You get charged for that? - A night in jail.
Frankly, I took a rest, because even with a $1,000 fine,
record sales.
That's big talk for a jailbird.
Must've got lucky in the shower.
Come on, Vince! You gonna take that?
Sal...
what's it like having Nikki home, huh?
It's the best.
My gioia mia is home!
- Salut! - Salut.
Luigi, isn't that true that usually the daughter
takes after the mother? Thank God.
And the son takes after the father.
So soon, Leo will not be able to see his feet.
My Nikki is the complete package.
She's beautiful, she cooks, and smart.
She's got it up here and knows how to use it.
Unlike some children that only know how to use
what's down there.
The small man wishes he had half the action that my Leo does.
All right, Pa. Just leave me out of this, would you?
Viagra wanted to take a sample of his blood!
Luigi...
does his asshole get jealous of the shit coming out of his mouth?
How is it possible that a mere beast with no brains and no looks
could actually be the genetic father of a complete package?
Luigi, is this bewildered sloth
questioning my fatherhood?
Luigi, it's not his fatherhood in question,
but his manhood.
- Bastardo! - Disgrazia!
On the house. It's a tie!
You couldn't pick a place where we stuck out less?
We're the only ones without a computer and the, how you say, the fancy phone!
Exactly. Now that Father Toscani
is onto us,
the church is out.
I feel terrible.
Sneaking around,
just waiting to be caught!
Franca and Carlo?
Two caramel lattes?
- I've got 'em! - Franca and... Oh!
Is this for you, sir? Here you are.
Love your hat, by the way.
You told them our names?
What are we, spies?
Relax!
Drink.
- Baby Jesus. - Oh, mother of God!
- Hold me! - Oh, this is to die for!
If I gotta go, this is the way to do it!
- Two more, please! - No, no! You dirty boy!
Give me a kiss.
- Give me a kiss. Come on. - No. Stop. Stop it!
- Amore mio... - Watch it, Valentino.
- Why? - There's an old Italian saying
- I learned from my nonna. - And what's that?
If you want it, you have to put a ring on it.
What was your grandmother's name?
Beyoncé?
No. Bianca.
Oh.
Nikki! How many sausages did you want?
I'm just gonna have the kale salad.
That's gonna break your father's heart.
Why are you so dressed up? We're in your parents' backyard.
Good point.
You know Joe's a plumber now? Fully certified.
It's Joe's Plumbing. "Trust the best,
flush the rest." Huh?
- It's catchy. - I know!
Such an entrepreneur.
Here, why don't you hold Joey Junior?
- Oh, are you sure? - Honey, I almost forgot
- the nice cannolis. - Thank you, baby.
Oof. Here, take the gum.
Leave the cannolis.
Hi, Joey Junior!
I can't believe you've had two kids in the time I've been gone.
I know. It's like my uterus threw a party.
So...
the stewardess.
She looked like she got off shift at the perfume counter.
- Puttana. - And her bag, it was totally fake.
But, uh...
you're still gonna go for dinner?
He wants to cook.
Besides, if I don't go,
he's gonna think he's had some sort of effect on me.
And he hasn't.
So I should go
to prove it.
- Oh, it's okay! - It's okay!
- No, don't cry! - I'm sorry.
Come here. Come to Daddy. Let the ladies talk.
Thank you. Thank you. Please, continue.
Look, it doesn't matter. I am going back to London
and when I am the chef de cuisine
at Mayfair's newest and trendiest restaurant,
Leo is not even gonna be an afterthought.
Wow.
You're still in love with him.
All those years of pent-up sexual frustration.
No wonder you're so skinny. You must diddle yourself like a fiend.
Would you stop?
Look who's here!
Look, it's Anthony Bottiluco!
You remember Anthony, right? Look at him.
- Look at him, all grown up! Hi! - Hi.
Nikki. Long time. You look, uh, you look good.
Oh, you're lookin'... you know, the same.
- Thanks. - Are you still at the, uh...
Oh, at the parlor? Yeah. Yeah, Pop's retired, so hey...
I'm your guy if you need any funeral arrangements.
Good to know.
Hey, speaking of which, how's your nonna doing?
- Mom, where is Nonna? - Oh, she's at church.
That lady prays more than the pope.
Here you go.
Salut.
Just give me a minute before he starts crying again.
- Oh, hey, Gina. - Yeah, I'm gonna let you two catch up.
- No, oh, no. That's okay. - Little Nikki, all grown up, hey.
- Hi. - Took the shoes off, huh?
Lettin' the toes breathe.
Look at that big toe. Very nice.
- I have to pee. - Ah, okay.
Maybe he's changed a lot.
- No! - Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's good.
This is really good.
Those are just the appetizers.
Tonight's main course
features my signature ultra-thin crust pizza
with mesquite mushrooms, smoked gouda, a little prosciutto,
and then we top it off with radicchio and fresh arugula.
So good.
Have you considered...
Figs?
May I?
Have at it.
To cut through the gouda and balance the flavors.
You got some serious knife skills.
My father would consider this the highest form of treason.
What's that, the pizza?
Or us being together?
Both.
It looks pretty good.
- Hot. - Very.
Seven hundred degrees. It should only take about...
About 90 seconds.
Exactly.
Why don't you do something like this down at your pizzeria?
I mean, you'd have lines down the block.
My father, he, you know,
he believes that pizza should be round with sauce and mozzarella.
And, you know,
I cook what makes him happy.
And what about you, Leo?
What makes you happy?
Family.
Family's the most important.
It's done.
Whoa, whoa. Not yet, not yet. Hold on.
It doesn't need your help, okay?
- Patience. - No. I'm telling you, it's done.
Just give it another moment, would you? Please?
For me?
A little bit of love.
Now it's done.
Come on. Please.
My fresh arugula.
Listen to this.
The sound of perfection.
You better believe it.
- For you. - Thank you.
- It's delicious. - The figs, they just...
They give it the perfect amount of sweetness, you know?
For the smoky, spicy side.
I love your pizza.
Our pizza.
Oh, dio! You scared me to death!
What's going on? What are you doing here?
Not in front of the Madonna!
- It's a bad omen! - No. It's bad luck
to be superstitious.
Franca.
With the Virgin Mary as my witness,
will you marry me?
Women.
Not you, of course, Maria.
Leo, this is amazing!
I grow all my fresh ingredients up here.
Basil, oregano, some fennel.
You name it. And it's all organic.
Now you're speaking my language.
You know, one day, I hope something like this could be my legacy.
Like a pizza shop on the bottom, organic garden on top.
I'll call it Pizza Organica.
I love it.
- Have you leased a space? - No, but I got my eye on a spot.
Still saving up, though.
Maybe when my dad retires, right?
Leo, why would you wait? That could be in 20 years!
What do you want me to do? Compete with him?
How is it that I'm the one in culinary school,
and yet you're the one coming up with the dishes?
I love this festival. Didn't you miss it?
Our parents' hate-iversary.
I don't understand how you start a fight after winning a contest together.
I mean, for making something that you love.
I don't think they even remember what it was about.
Listen.
Come on.
- Why? - Come here.
You remember?
- Remember what? - The tarantella, stupida.
Settle down, stupido.
I got it all locked in here.
You know, the last time we danced together was...
at Gina's wedding.
- You kissed me. - Wait, you kissed me!
I don't know. No, I think you started it.
I'm pretty sure I was drunk. That's what I remember.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
That was the last time I saw you before you took off for London.
I couldn't believe that you'd just
left without saying bye.
Have you been lonely?
Okay, fine. Who's...
the investment banker?
- You've been keeping tabs on me? - Maybe a little bit.
I might have checked out your Facebook page a few times.
You look ridiculous in that chef's hat, by the way.
You look ridiculous in your hair net.
- I don't wear one. - Well, you're supposed to.
Is that so?
I should go.
Why?
So I don't stay.
I'll take that.
Thanks, Jessie.
"You squeeze the love out of every tomato
as if it were the last."
Nonna, what's wrong?
I've been thinking about your nonno.
Missing him?
What was he like?
The biggest ladies' man in all of Napoli.
The charm of ten Italian men.
What made him settle down?
I hit him over the head with a piece of prosciutto.
Out of love, of course.
Have you ever been in love?
Maybe.
You take over, bella.
Okay.
You tell your papa that...
I went out.
Okay.
Figs?
Your father sees this,
he's gonna blow a gasket.
How was your date last night?
How'd you know that I, uh...
Little Italy...
It's little.
Look, it wasn't a date, but...
it was nice.
Meaning?
Nice, you know. It was... it was...
It was very nice.
But I don't know, Nonno. It's... it's complicated with Nikki.
Leo, here's what I learned about
love, life and cooking.
Learn from your mistakes.
Be fearless.
But above all,
have fun.
I don't know. I think maybe she's outgrown this place.
Leo...
you can take the girl out of Little Italy,
but you can't take Little Italy out of the girl.
Show her what she's missing.
Thanks, Nonno.
- I'm getting a cup of coffee. - What the hell is this?
What is that?
Delicious is what it is.
Give it a try, Pa. All right? I'm gonna get out of here.
- Oh, my buono! Oh, my God! - Sweet and smoky at the same time!
- Delicious! - This is fantastic!
Figs on a pizza! Who knew?
- Oh, so good! - Oh!
Another caramel latte for Madonna.
- Keep them coming. - You got it, "Material Girl."
- Hey, hey! That's enough! - Hey, hey! Why did you do that?
Come here. Give me that face.
For your own good.
What do you want from me, Carlo?
Well, the other day, you said if I wanted it,
I had to put a ring on it.
And I did,
in front of the Virgin Mary, no less, and you...
you fled.
What is it, my love?
It's too hard, Carlo.
After Alvaro died,
I swore I would never mourn another man in my life.
Well, we could have, uh...
what do they say, uh...
friendly benefits?
You almost sent my dentures flying across the room!
I am a lady!
Yes, and...
I want you to be my lady.
You don't think that Alvaro wants you to be happy?
The only regrets we'll ever have are the chances we didn't take,
and the love
we didn't make.
I don't wanna hide no more,
and go back to my stupid son's house alone
at night.
I want us to have a home together.
A place to cuddle and watch
The Bachelor
in bed.
I love you, Franca.
I never thought I'd hear that again.
I love you too, Carlo.
Franca...
with God...
and this beardo-weirdo as my witness,
I promise
I will love you for as long as you live.
Come on.
Smile,
while you still have your teeth.
Yes.
I will marry you.
Look at that! Whoa!
Hey!
- What are you doing? - Special delivery.
Pizza for the lady.
Kale included.
I'm not hungry.
What are you talking about? You're always hungry at midnight.
Hey, do me a favor, would you?
Be ready first thing in the morning, okay?
- Ready for what? - Just be ready!
Nikki! It tastes better than it looks!
- Hey. - Hi.
Where are you taking me?
I want to introduce you to someone.
Who?
The Nikki I used to know.
- Do you juggle? - Opa!
- I'll think about it. - Come on.
- Yeah, you want a lick? - Yeah. Hit me.
- Good. Like it? - Yeah.
I like it. It's good.
"Save a stallion, ride an Italian."
Oh, there you go. Oh! I think that you should get that one.
We'll take both of these.
I think I'd like to get olive oil or something.
- Wine? - Yeah, sure. Wine.
Can I get some of that cheese? Yeah? Thank you.
Who is this for?
Don't worry. It's an old friend of ours.
- No! - Just do it!
Come on! It's tradition.
Yes!
Come on, come on, come on, come on!
Let's go!
You again!
- You're welcome, Mr. Ganucci! - Bye!
I'm still gonna feed you to the worms!
- Right there. Remember? - You are not serious. Stop!
- Ah! Come on! - You wanna go again? Okay!
Stop!
That was freezing! I got towels in here.
Ever the gentleman.
Yeah, it's, uh... It's getting harder by the minute.
I didn't mean it like that.
Okay? Enough.
Do you wanna play a game?
What are you thinking?
Maybe something where you can score for a change?
Stop. Stop, stop, stop. Stop.
First admit that you never let me win.
Look, I...
I got a reputation to maintain, okay?
- I can't tell those sorts of lies. - Say it.
- What? - Say it!
Never.
This room is so beautiful.
Did you see, uh...
the little soaps
in the fancy bathroom?
Already in my purse with the shower caps and the Q-tips.
And, uh...
how was, uh...
Incredibile!
It's good everything still works, huh?
How are we gonna tell the families?
They're gonna freak out, as the kids say.
I don't care.
- And I'm looking forward to it. - Oh!
Carlo! Carlo!
- Again? Oh! - Or die trying.
Oh! Oh! Animale!
Maybe this time you take off your top, huh?
There you go!
"Vince's Pizza"?
Oh, no. I refuse to hire anyone
that traipses around in a pedestrian pizza shop outfit.
I'll burn it as soon as we hang up.
Good. Now, here.
Look, our new endeavor. Isn't it absolutely fabulous?
- It's stunning. - Of course it is.
It's only missing one little detail.
A stunning menu.
Gareth has sent me his. When do I get yours?
I'm... I'm close, Chef. I can feel it.
Your hair looks like you've been shagging.
Is there a penis more pressing than my menu?
No! No, no, no. No. I'm on it!
I mean, not on that, but I'm on it. I'm...
You know what I mean.
Well, there's only one way to the top, Nicole,
and it's a solo trip.
Now, listen, you have until Sunday.
Otherwise, you can be the first to congratulate Gareth.
- Watch out, you wanker! - Oh, sorry! Sorry!
Do you not see I'm standing here?
If that's not the hottest advertisement in all of Little Italy,
I don't know what is.
How you doin'?
Thank you.
For what?
Making me feel at home again.
Making it all so special.
Everything's more special now that you're back.
I mean that.
- I'm sorry. I can't. - What's the matter?
What are we doing?
I'm not... I'm not a kid anymore,
and I know who I am to you.
Okay? I mean, I was the girl that beat you at soccer,
and then I was the girl who had that silly crush on you,
- and now... - Nikki.
I'm a girl who's been in your bed.
- Oh, no. No, no, no... - I've worked too hard
to come back to this, I mean, to
slaving away in a pizza joint for the rest of my life,
and watching our families fighting,
and watching you grow old with somebody else.
With who?
I don't know. Pick a number.
I'm sure one will come knocking on the door
the second that I leave.
Look, I've... I've really enjoyed our
tryst, I just...
Tryst?
Really?
I have to go.
How does it look?
The only thing we've saved for a rainy day is an umbrella.
And it's broken.
We can't lose this place, Mali.
It's the only thing we got to leave to our kid.
Well, then, maybe you should believe in Leo, huh?
I mean, let him try it his way!
Little Italy is changing, Vinny, but that doesn't have to be bad.
Hey guys, I'm gonna go for a walk. Okay? I'll be back.
I'm closing a little early tonight, Leo.
- What? - Why?
Because I'm taking the family to dinner!
- What? - Why?
Do I have to give a reason?
Who raised you people?
Dress nice. Be ready by 7:00.
You, too, kid.
Okay!
- I hope he's paying. - Oh, he's paying.
Baby.
You know, I have trained with the world's finest,
but nothing comes close to Nonna's sauce.
It's like I can taste what's in it, but I just can't put my finger on it.
Yeah, well, good luck with that.
She hasn't even told your father.
We are so proud of you, Nikki.
And so very happy that you are home.
Have you ever thought about... leaving here, Ma?
Leaving? No.
No, it never occurred to me.
It's a big world out there.
I know. I've been to Niagara Falls,
thank you very much.
Come on.
I mean, how do you stay so happy?
You guys are going broke here,
you and Dad are fighting all the time, and yet,
you just seem as in love as ever.
- Dora! - You are killing me!
Okay, you really wanna know?
Not if it's about sex.
Well, I mean, good sex is a key ingredient but
a good man
is the meal you wanna eat every night.
Still sounded sexual.
- I'm sorry. Yeah, just a little. - It's a little bit...
Wha...
- I love you. - I love you.
Sal, what?
You messing with my sauce?
You don't mess with perfection.
- Anybody looking? - No.
What?
My nonna
would stir in two anchovies just for long enough to salt the sauce.
Don't tell nobody.
Dance with me! Dance with me!
All right. Everybody!
Family dinner tonight. My treat.
- Why? - What's the occasion?
I need a reason to make dinner with my family?
I'm gonna die soon, and I like food. That's it.
Dinner at 7:00. You, too, come.
Welcome to Korma Sutra.
I'm gonna get gas.
The Lustful Lotus.
Try it on the menu...
and at home.
Ma, this is the restaurant you pick for a family dinner?
- Yeah. - It's an interesting choice, Nonna.
How'd you find it?
I, I did the Yelp.
And besides,
if your father make a scene, no one we know will see.
Ma, why would I make... What the hell!
- What the hell! - Hey, welcome! Welcome, everybody!
- That's it. I'm leaving. - You sit!
I'd rather sit in hell!
Now, Franca and I have something to tell all of you.
While our families have been at war,
two people here have fallen in love.
I swear to God, Vince, if your slimy son
- has touched my daughter... - The only thing slimy here is you!
Shut up, both of you!
Carlo and I...
We've been seeing each other.
- Huh? - What?
What do you mean "seeing each other"?
We've been having a relationship.
What do you mean "having a relationship"?
Forgive me, Salvatore. We've been lovers.
Oh, okay.
I don't understand.
Do you want me to draw you a picture?
Or you can pick one of those from the menu.
Oh, stop.
Put that down.
Oh! Oh!
Just gonna need this knife, Ma. I'm gonna open a vein.
I can't feel my legs.
- I think it's, it's wonderful! - Oh!
Now, if you two could just start acting like grown-ups...
Yeah, then maybe we can put an end to this
whole stupid family war.
This is your fault. Your fault!
- You and your horny old man! - Hey!
You don't even know where your own mother is at night!
- Watch your mouth! - That's it. You know what?
Little Italy is not big enough for me and you.
You're right. So, when are you leaving?
We're not leaving! The Angioli pizza's always been superior.
So do the community a favor.
Pack up your fugazi pizza and get the hell out of town!
- Here we go. - Again.
You wouldn't know good pizza if it bit you!
Let's let Little Italy decide who stays and who goes.
What are you two idiots talking about?
- The Little Italy pizza contest. - Yeah.
- And whoever loses goes. - Vince!
- They won't let you enter. - Yeah. You're banned.
Yeah, we're banned, but these two aren't.
We can't compete.
But Leo and Nikki can.
What?
No, no, no, no, no. No way. All right? We're not competing.
I'm a chef. I don't do pizza.
That one hurt.
- You did pizza the other night. - Leo!
- What night? - There was some kind of night?
- What do you do at night? - Stop, okay?
I'm not doing a pizza competition.
I'd understand why you would chicken out,
because really, she never was able to compete at Leo's level.
Wait. Whoa, whoa. whoa. What do you mean "at Leo's level"?
Soccer. He was better.
What soccer? She always won!
Look, they've been lifelong rivals,
and she's afraid to go up against him.
Pa, we're not rivals, all right?
- We were just competitive. - Yeah.
If we were rivals,
- I never would have let her win. - Okay, let's be clear.
Nobody ever let me win.
- Are we gonna start with this again? - You won when I let you.
Yeah, like you let me win last night.
Are we still talking about soccer?
I'm really happy for you, Nonna.
Listen, honey, you don't have to go.
- Hey, wait. Nikki... - No! You know what?
I am done waiting, Leo.
You know, there's a reason why they call it Little Italy.
because nothing ever changes here.
I mean, not our fathers and their stupid fight...
and especially not you.
Paesano, face it.
You're in love with Nikki. Always have been.
But every time you come close to doing something about it,
you talk yourself out of it.
"Oh, I can't be with Nikki. She's moving to London."
"Oh, I can't be with Nikki, my dad will cut off my giggle berries."
It's too complicated, all right? You know...
This is for the best. Trust me.
Those sounds like the excuses of a man
who's not being honest with himself, huh? Che parli?
Oh, I'm not being honest with myself?
Look, I'm not trying to be mean or nothing, all right, but...
Have you looked at yourself in the mirror?
Luigi, your real name
is Lee Zhao Ping. You're Chinese, bro!
When are you gonna be honest with yourself that you're not even Italian?
You know, when I told my dad I was gay, he...
threw me out of the house.
Will you still be my friend?
Luigi.
Come on!
You think I wouldn't be your friend just 'cause,
what, you like guys? So what?
No.
Because I'm not Italian.
You know, when my daddy threw me out,
I walked the streets for days, you know?
And I ended up here, pretty damn drunk.
You know, the real Luigi?
He took me in. He gave me a job.
You know, I found a community that's crazy, chaotic...
but lovable.
You know, when I was Lee Zhao Ping, I was an outcast.
When I became Luigi,
everyone accepted me.
Look, I'm sorry, man. I didn't know.
- All right? I didn't know. - Ah, stop.
You can either go after Nikki and open up your own shop,
or hey, hey,
you can move to Chinatown.
- Yeah, sure. - Mio amico,
you and Nikki, you're like Romeo and Juliet, huh?
Romeo and Juliet died.
That's a bad example.
You, uh...
You're like Rocky and Adrian.
- I'm not Rocky. - No! But you could be.
- Is your hand on my ass? - That's how Chinese people hug.
I knew I'd find you here.
Nonna knows.
I remember your confirmation.
You stood right there.
It was a special day for two reasons.
One, because you chose Saint Antonio,
- and... - I got my braces off.
Look, there you are. There's a smile, bellissima.
Come.
Come, bella.
So, tell me...
What's in London?
A new job.
A new life.
No drama.
And this life over there, it makes you happy?
Oh, come here.
It's good to cry.
Washes the soul.
Do you love him?
It doesn't matter.
Maybe it's time you take a piece of prosciutto
and you whack him over the head.
When I was little,
you told me I should never have to squeeze love out of a man's heart.
That if it doesn't come freely, I don't want it.
I did?
What else did I say?
That boys are stupido
and that I can do anything better than they can.
Ah! You see, I'm a wise woman.
In here, what do you want?
I want to be happy.
I want you all to be happy.
And I...
I guess I do want...
Leo.
Yes.
If you have to leave, you have to leave.
But if this thing with Leo is really love...
it'll come and find you.
You got something you wanna say?
You know what, Leo?
The competition?
It's on.
Oh, so the chef wants to make pizza?
Okay, fine. Yeah, it's on.
Wow, really?
All right, fine. It's on.
Come on down, everyone.
- Join the party! - Have some fun!
Today is Little Italy's biggest day.
Today, we crown the winners of...
Ah! Miss Little Italy Bikini.
And of course, Little Italy's Mr. Bikini.
Sorry.
And of course, we also crown the winner of Little Italy's Best Pizza!
That's right!
- Go get 'em, baby! - Today's contest
- has two stages. - You better pack your bags!
Elimination and championship.
And only the top two can move on to the finals.
Round one.
- Hey! - Start the clock.
Our contestants must wow us with a pizza creation
that looks and tastes original.
- Yeah! - Okay, folks!
Now, let's give a big hand to these chefs.
Ten, nine...
Eight, seven,
six, five, four,
three, two, one!
- Paesano, you got this! - You got this, baby!
Here he comes.
This was not easy, folks.
Yeah, each of these pizzaiolos is a master.
But Johnny, we can only choose two, huh?
So, let's give a big round of applause to our two finalists.
Leo Campoli from Vince's "The Best."
And Nikki Angioli from Sal's "It's Better."
There's something more than just a trophy at stake.
As we finally put an end to Little Italy's oldest food fight.
We are going to challenge our finalists
- to cook the queen of all pizzas... - Hey!
La pizza Margherita!
Okay!
Each pizza will be judged by its crust,
- its sauce... - And above all...
The taste.
Stay focused, all right? It's all up here.
"Eye of the Tiger."
You could be "Champion of the world!"
Pizzaiolos...
It's go time!
- Go, Nikki! - All right, son!
Hey.
Good luck.
You, too.
Okay, folks.
Beautiful dough, Leo!
They're gonna be heading over to the...
Look how nice she rolls. Look how nice she rolls that out.
Yesterday at the church,
I light not one candle, but two.
Yeah, but darling...
there can only be one winner.
Leo!
Come on, Leo!
Hey, that's my boy!
Come on! What do you want, style points?
It's too bad there's only going to be one winner.
Look how beautiful this is!
- Down in front! Move it over! - Hi. Hey. That's good.
Nice!
Come on! Focus! Focus!
- All right, it's the home stretch! - Home stretch!
While the pizzas are cooking,
why don't we do some cooking ourselves?
Hey! Why don't we announce the winner of this year's Miss Bikini?
And the winner of Mr. Little Italy...
What?
Uh, you might wanna just give it another second.
I'm telling you, it's done.
It's coming down to the wire now, people!
- See? - Good call.
Ten, nine...
Eight, seven,
six, five, four,
three, two, one!
- Come on, Leo! - Nikki!
Nicely done!
They look great. Great!
Please, Chef Nicoletta. Please.
- Take to the stage. - Thank you very much. Chef.
Chef? Okay.
Oh! Looks good.
Look at the bottom!
What are you looking for, a serial number? Just eat it!
No matter which piece, they're all perfect.
- He likes it. He likes it! - How do you know?
How do you know? - The jacket's blooming.
This side.
Here we go. Here we go.
All right, this was a very difficult decision,
but the winner
of Little Italy's best pizza
is...
Leo Campoli from Vince's "The Best" Pizza!
- Yeah! You did it! - No!
Leo!
It was so close.
The crust, the sauce!
It reminded me of when your fathers were together.
Yeah, try it! Try it!
Excuse me!
I'm sorry, but we can't accept this trophy.
Whoa, whoa! No, no, no! Wait. Wait. We accept, we accept.
Whoa! No, you heard what he said. He can't accept. Nikki wins!
- You're not gonna steal this! - What steal? Your own kid said it!
It wouldn't be right, Pa!
You don't understand! It's not my pizza.
Nikki, she must have switched our sauce with theirs.
That pizza, the winning pizza, that's got my crust
and the Angioli family sauce.
Can we get Nikki back up here?
- Nikki? - She's gone, Leo,
to the airport.
Whoa, whoa. Leo, wait a minute. Think about this.
- Where are you going? - Take a guess.
Go get her, kid!
Hey! Time for you to be Rocky.
Adrian!
You destroyed your friendship, we didn't say anything.
You destroyed our business, and we still didn't say anything.
- But this is where we draw the line. - You are gonna go to the airport
and you are gonna fix this, or you are gonna lose your kids!
- Andiamo! - Go, the two of yous!
- Go on! - The two of yous!
- Hey, wait for us! - Oh!
Thank you.
Hi, Chef. It's Nikki. Nicole.
Thank you so much for giving me this opportunity.
I got my visa, and I am on my way to make my pitch
personally to you as soon as I land.
All laptops, shoes, belts and fluids. You know the drill.
Ramone!
- What's up, girl? - Get back to work!
Relax, Terelle. I need a new profile pic.
It's great light. Look at this.
Let's go!
- Hold on tight! - Hey, lady!
Leo! Quick!
- Move! - Out of the way! Out of the way!
Keep going! Excuse me!
Nikki?
I'm sorry.
Come on. No hold ups. Let's go.
Sweetie? Step back through.
All right.
Yeah, a bracelet will do it. Yeah. That, too.
And you can go.
Yeah, you don't want her to go to town on you
- with that latex glove. - Yeah.
Nikki!
Don't go.
You won, Leo. You got what you wanted.
And I know what I want, and it's in London.
The only thing I want
is you.
Nikki, please!
Stay.
See what we could be.
Girl, go to London. Don't change your plans for no man.
Nikki! Nikki!
Nikki, what are you doing? Don't let this coccola drive you away!
She's not running away from him. She's running away from you!
Will you two be quiet?
Nothing is gonna change!
Especially not them.
It doesn't matter about them.
I've changed.
And I'm not afraid to tell you that
I'm in love with you.
I always have been.
I always will be.
I'm not afraid to tell my father that
I want to start my own shop.
- What? - It's about time!
I mean, all this time, you never said anything,
and now that I'm about to get on a plane, you finally find the words.
Love isn't words.
It's actions.
All right? That's why you let me win today.
And you know what?
I don't want us to have to let each other win.
I want us to both win.
Together. Please, Nikki. Stay.
Not for me,
with me.
What's it gonna be, girl?
This is the final boarding call
for flight 7-2-0 to Manchester.
Final boarding for flight 7-2-0 to Manchester.
Boarding Gate 25.
Then it's done.
I think I'm gonna cry.
Me, too.
What?
I had to get my luggage.
I've loved you all my life.
Now, what are we gonna do about them?
Pa, Sal.
Isn't it time you tell us what this fight is all about?
- No! No! - No.
- Yes! - Or I'm getting on a plane with Nikki.
Fine.
Fine, do you wanna know?
All right. So, you wanna know?
It's about them.
Us?
And the winner of The Best Pizza of Little Italy is...
Pizza Napoli!
Hey, guys, give us the name of your winning pizza!
Wait, wait, wait. We gotta think of a name.
- It's easy. Pizza Franca. - No, no, no. Wait.
It's better, uh... Pizza Carlo.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No. You see, my mother made the award-winning sauce,
so it's Pizza Franca. Perfect.
Yeah, but it's my father's crust.
Look at this. What is this? Without my mother's sauce,
this is nothing! This is a McDonald's hamburger bun.
Well, your mother's sauce without my father's crust,
you know what this is? Campbell's Tomato Soup!
Eat this!
I don't want a pizza named after me! - Me neither.
We were just trying to show respect.
- Honor our families. - What honor?
So that some idiot could say that Carlo was so cheesy,
he plugged me right up?
Or even worse, I ate a Franca for lunch two days in a row!
Now, you two knuckleheads, love and honor
has nothing to do with your selfish pride,
or my crust or her sauce.
- My sauce is very good. - Your sauce is delicious.
- Look at you two. You are family. - It's the best.
- Family, huh? - Yeah.
No, they were brothers.
And for your information, you truly are.
That's right. Even now, more than ever.
He put a ring on it! I'm Beyoncé.
Oh, Papa!
- Nonna! - Call me Jay-Z.
- Oh, it's so wonderful! - Oh, thank you!
- Nonno! - You know I love you, kid.
- Shut up. - You shut up.
- Yes, we do! I love you, honey! - Listen up, people.
Operations have resumed!
- All laptops, belts, shoes... - Okay! Let's get out of here!
Thanks. Just keep 'em coming, Jessie.
- Everything's good, yeah? - It's perfect.
And so our life in Little Italy began all over again.
A better version.
- Chef, are you tearing up? - Oh, good God, no. I'm British.
I just can't believe that I came all this way
to lure back my favorite student, and I'm failing.
- Gareth's menu didn't work out? - Oh, on the contrary.
It worked its way out of a top food critic's colon so quickly,
I was forced to shut down.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I'm sure you'll find another concept you like.
I think I just did.
Are you interested in going international?
Attention, single ladies!
The bride's gonna toss the bouquet!
- Come on, Chef! Let's go! - All right, come on!
Oh, my God!
- Hey! - Stop it!
Oh, Carlo! I've got something to tell you.
- What, honey? - I'm pregnant.
What? She says she's pregnant!
- Jogi, may I have this dance? Yeah. - Me? Be gentle.
Jessie, will you dance with me? You look beautiful.
Holy cow.
Life may take you to distant places...
But it's love that brings you home.
We may not have it all together...
- But together... - We have it all.
So, you finally gonna tell me the secret to your nonna's sauce?
I told you. It's two teaspoons...
- Oh, my goodness. Seriously? - ... of nunya!
Nunya business!
Forty-seventh take there. On mark.
Oh, Franca!
I love you!
Oh, Carlo! Carlo! Carlo!
I'm never gonna cut.
My penis sack fell off.
- The sack that holds my penis. - That holds your rocket?
It fell off.
I have to put my penis back in the sack.
I've been about to have a laugh attack all day.
This is sending me over the edge.
Oh!
Your boo-boo forgot! Listen to me!
- It's family... - Do you wanna go have sex?
Now?
I love you. I love you.
That's like, a very Italian accent.
It doesn't sound like it to me.
I'm just learning.
- Is your hand on my ass? - Yeah, I was hopin' you wouldn't notice.
It's because you're taller than me.
It'll be there a lot now. That's not my hand.
You wanna put your hand on my ass?
Italian style.
- I can do it! - Stop!
- I can't. - You want help with that?
Whoa.
People think it's weird being around dead bodies,
but they're kind of like my friends.
Friends with benefits, am I right?
- I'm gonna pee. - Is this Gina's?
Damn! This is like an episode of Springer.
- Need to say we're leaving at 7:00. - All right.
- Oh! I'm drunk. - You all right? We've still got time.
- You're drunk with me, aren't you? - Stop!
- I do this to you. Get over here. - Stop!
Maybe we should elope.
- Please! - Will you mother just leave?
No more white people!
- Woo! - Whoa, baby!
- Oh, yeah! - Oh! Brother, here you go!
Jogi's hotter than the pizza in here, baby!
Now, don't ask me to go down on one knee.
As long as you don't ask me to go down on both later.
- No, only all fours. - Oh, animale!
- No. - Is there anything hard in there
that I need to know about?
Even semi-hard?
I'm just gonna check under your shirt. I am right under that t-shirt,
and I'm just gonna check close to your nipple.
- I'm around... - That is my nipple.
- There are people watching us right now. - There's no...
- I don't do this normally! - Don't be a sack!
I don't need help! I can do it!